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bonehead burnhamJust the bloke we need as cosmetic mayor again. Not!
bullet It's election time and A. Burnham wants to keep his feet under the table as cosmetic mayor of Greater Manchester. We're getting doses of his propapaganda, but what are his real qualifications?
   When he was a minister @ the Dept. of Health, people were dying of neglect @ Stafford hospital. Nothing to do with him, of course.
   When he was moved to the Treasury, we got the Brown Slump of 2008 and all the banks went bust. Nothing to do with him, of course.
   When Labour was chucked out of office, he inflicted himself on Greater Manchester, first as the Police & Crime Commissioner then as the cosmetic mayor. GM Police ended up in administration, declared unfit for purpose, on his watch. Nothing to do with him, of course.
   What does Jonah Burnham have in store for his next trick?

Surprise! The congestion tax imposed on vehicles in central London has increased the amounts of the more dangerous air pollutants emitted by them.
reader comment“That's politicians for you. Always grubbing for money and if something can be made worse, they'll find a way to do it.” Con Tralto

markerbullet The electric heat pumps demanded by the government in all homes as part of its zero carbon emissions scam are expensive, unreliable and rubbish technology compared to gas boilers.
   Apart from that, they're brilliant!
reader comment“If it's what some of the government wants, because some of Those People thinks it will make said government look good, it doesn't necessarily have to make any sort of sense.” Count Ertenor

bulletQ: Is a tomato a fruit? Or a vegetable, as the US Supreme Court ruled?
bulletA: It's a fruit. What do judges know about the real world anyway?

$1 stampreader comment“If there is an active campaign on-going to deflect people from the @-cost AZ vaccine to the ones offering IMMENSE profits to the manufacturers, it is hypocrisy of the worst sort for politicians & their burrocraps to moan about problems in supplying a vaccine that no one wants, allegedly.
   “Especially when the moaning is being done by the likes of the Froggish T. Breton, EFU trough-scoffer.” Stan Dandy

cross symbol Bad news for the confecting industry; the silly story that the Royal Family includes Moorish ancestors is just that, a silly story invented by people with an agenda.

Ad Attack Have U tried NiCOLA yet?
It's the drink for Wee Beesoms everywhere
Makes you far too Perky to be enplagued!
Romiley Health-Kick, 51 Riverside drive

first class stampreader comment“According to my newspaper, some government minions were advised on how to conduct themselves on the day the Duke of Edinburgh died. Which conjurs up an image of them being lined up and told how to stop doing the self-promotion thing and behave like real people for a day or two by the Commons Protocol Sergeant-Major.” Soup Rano
reader comment“No surprise that O.J. Corbynstein was his usual curmudgeonly self last Friday.” Mick Shaw
reader commentfirst class stamp“What would be really nice would be for everyone who claims Phil the Greek made gaffes gets a vigorous slap round the back of the head until the practice dies out. A gaffe is a blunder and Prince Philip knew exactly what he was saying, and its likely impact, on every occasion. Well, most of them.” Mambo Jenny

bullet Despite the pandemic, President Gopher Joe is attempting to fill the Untied States with migrants from South America in the hope that they will vote Democrap.


Brennt Paris?

Brennt Paris?

Far Queue symbolcaption: The French government makes itself popular with the rest of Europe by polluting the skies over the continent with a public bonfire of confiscated & unwanted Chinese plague vaccine doses to prevent them from crossing the Channel to the UK.

Romiley Space AuthoritymarkerThings to come; maybe
Residents of the Moon are now living in fear & trembling. NASA is threatening to fire plague-ridden humans there in 2024 using its monster Space Launch System.
   The trip will take 4 days and each launch will cost taxpayers in the Untied States $1-2 BILLION. Worse, the astronauts will be picked for diversity rather than their technical skills.
   Next stop, Mars. But not for a while.
reader comment“But only if Marsman Musk gives them visas.” #ini Berg

Far Queue symbol Bloody customers! Let them out of locko a bit and what do they do? Fill the nation's parks and empty spaces with litter and pee and crap all over the place.

markerWe have been informed that calling the Duck of Sussex 'Prince Hairy' has been deemed disrespectful. 1. Respect must be earned.
2. How about 'Prince Peeved' instead?
reader comment“Nothing like keeping it in the family. Maz supplying the fake news and Peeved giving it publicity.” Crush Jumbo

marker"That's my bestimate" sounds so much more authoritative than "that's my guestimate".

Official The Metropolitan Police did their job properly and correctly when dispersing the unruly mod of Virgil Victims and arresting those who confected being busted.

Official Pres. MacRon is not at all pleased with his customers. They have let him down badly by spreading the Chinese plague recklessly and making him look a twerp in the court of world opinion.
   Moreover, the Yellow Vest Pests are refusing to go away and their latest demand is for Frexit—for France to get the hell out of the EFU before MacRon can step over the discarded body of Angular Mherkel and proclaim himself King of Yourope.

bulletQ: We all just 'umans, aren't we?
bulletA: Apart from the aliens disguised to look like 'uman, who spread division & discontent & entitlement.

Pointless PelosimarkerMade to order
The real beauty of giving yourself a before & after mental 'elf audit for a particular event is that you can confect with ease, the scores you need to 'prove' any point you want to make.
reader comment“I'm a mental elf and there's nothing I can do about it? Sounds like the perfect alibi for everything.” Par Kinson

markerNo longer wanted on voyage
Yorkshire used to be famous as an area where good sense prevailed. Not any more, if the antics of the parents of customers @ Batley Grammar School and their jihadi mates are anything to go by.
reader comment“Ideally, some imaning days should be over.” Mann Dribble
reader comment“Or done from a gaol cell.” R. Noldator

BombshellOak wrap! Some Japanese impressario lady has decided that virtual art is worthless. So that's $50 MILLION down the drain for the Beeple.

markerSurprise! The lobbying watchdog has done a Wee Burney on Dave the ex-Leader and cleared him of all rule-breaking.
reader comment“Dave is now left to mourn the $100 MILLION that slipped out of his grasp.” D. Mented

marker How does the SNP at home and away get away with not including BLAME Bunchers and not doing diversity?

eyesThe government appears to be giving a subsidy to the Royal Mail's letters division by sending out millions of threatening reminders to people who have already filled in the March census form. Those received this morning from a certain Professor I. Diamond may be ignored as blatantly obvious April Fools.
reader comment“The sad thing about it is that we, the customers, are the fools for letting the bloody government waste our tax pounds to give postmen the dignity of employment.” Arne O'ldator

bulletTonite’s Film: Four Funerals and a Weeding
The death toll from the Chinese plague leaves a much-loved public garden in a state of neglect and in need of a champion.

markerRule Number 1 for Suez or any other canal: Never attempt a 3-point turn if the length of your ship is greater than the width of the canal.
first class stampreader comment“The Captain of the Ever Bloody In The Way is favourite for the Seagoing Jerk of the Year Award.” Treat Coxx
reader comment“Maybe they'll send it to his dungeon in the gaol where Al Jazeera journalist Mahmoud Hussein was locked up without charge for 4 years; until February of this year.” Yanna Witt

reader comment“One did get the impression that the BBC was wetting its collective self yesterday over the chance to repeat the words 'Nazi' and 'terrorist' about an exed-copper who had scored a couple of white bad guy diversity points to offset the thousands scored by Islamists of old and new immigrant stock.” Bay Conan

bulletQ: Automobile is a car, which makes skymobile . . . a plane?
bulletA: Sounds logical.

ragged jeansmarkerDodgy business
Politics certainly exposes people to huge amounts of ridicule. Such as when a foreign government bans peope who have no intention of going there from visiting their country and freezes the assets in their country of people who don't have any assets there.

Far Queue symbol Another BashedEar bombshell about a phantom abortion? The scrubbers are going to have to work overtime to prove that he didn't mislead Princess Di to get his meltdown interview with her.

bullet The latest scare story from the Xperts is that you will die 51% faster if you eat 2 sausages per week.

reader comment“How long do we have to put up with the naked rachelism of whiteboards? We demand the return of our blackboards & chalk!” 4 Midable

Bombshell Wee Burney Sturgeon thinks an independence vote to make her First President of Scotland has a higher priority than staying in the Untied Kingdom and extracting cash from English taxpayers to repair the damage done in Scotland by the Chinese plague!

tick symbol The Co-op supermarket chain is to put GPS tags on high-price items such as expensive cuts of meat to make life tough for thieves.

bullet The Chinese government is expecting a vote of thanks from the UK for seeing off the Yorkshire Ripper with its plague.

bullet Maz the Merciless is expected to achieve total meltdown in 9 days if she decides to run for president of the Untied States in 2024 as she will be unable to cope with the barrage of inspection of her factoids and motives.

skull 2Egypt is facing the threat of a rival plague caused by the deaths of hundreds of thousands of animals stuck without food, water and space to move on the ships trapped in the Suez Canal by the Evergreen Line's monster container ship Ever Given.
   The vessel was finally freed on the last Tuesday of March but not soon enough to prevent the Egyptian authorities being faced with the problems of safe disposal of thousands of bodies and tons of animal waste.

bullet Dave the ex-leader is going to have to be cleared of putting himself about on behalf of a disgraced tycoon in Singapore. The scrubbers will be v. busy for the foreseeable future.

markerRedundancies in the near future?
The rachel confection industry is up in arms over an official report which President Boris commissioned after the BLAME Bunch riots. It shows that there is a lot less rachelism going on here in the UK than the confecters need to maintain their legend of oppression. Worse, we are a bit of a shining example to the rest of the world!
   The only hope for the confecters seems to be to drown the chairman of the commission; an Afron; and the report in irrelevant wibble and spurious quibbles.
   All those doing bias training for various police forces are particularly bitter about their living going down the plughole. The report even dared to suggest that BLAME should be abolished as a rachel tag.
first class stampreader comment“Institutional rachelism is a just fiction created by Those People? Well, there's a surprise! This report seems to be a poke in both eyes for the BLAME Bunchers and their search for victimhood rewards if it says the only people getting a raw deal here are the white working class.” Jury 4man
reader comment“So rachelism is mostly against white people? Presumably, thanks to the loopy left, who hate everything Britisch and especially white people.” Kno Blart

marker Forget the Rule of Six, it's the Rule of Six Hundred whilst the Sun is shining. But everything will be back to normal when winter returns on Easter Monday.

markerConfection, confection, confection!
The Green wonks have come up with a bizarre argument against the plastic bags-for-life sold in supermarkets. Single-use plastic bags keep the recycling industry at full pelt but if plastic bags are reused and stay in the community, that damages recycling numbers.

tick symbol Trouble paying your tuition fees? Universities all over the country are encouraging their customers—with free information packs and courses—to dive in to the sex industry and make lotz of lovely money to spend on university courses.
   The university student wonkster community is joining in with a drive to make whorephobia as terrible a concept as rachelism.

bullet Russians are being faced with a terrible dilemma. If they don't stop drinking vodka, they will destroy the protection from the Chinese plague conveyed by their Sputnik V vaccine!

markerThe government is worried that the initial locko relaxo madness will be a lasting phenomenon rather than a temporary embarrassment. Customers are just not getting the difference between some rules relaxed and a free-for-all.

markerInitials to know No. 1,524: FPN
Fixed Penalty Notice (a.k.a. PRR—Plague Rules Rip-off)

markerOne-way street
Will a chewing gum tax stop people from spitting it all over the place? No, having paid more for it, they will feel more entitled to spit, having paid for the clear-up job for their mess. The last thing they will do is stop making that mess in the hope of getting cheaper gum.

eyes Dopes who want to buy dope in New York will be allowed to only if they are over 21. Alternatively, they will be allowed to grow half a dozen pot plants for personal consumption.

bullet Golfers with luminous balls teeing off @ 1 second past midnight on Monday? Who's going to believe that!

red eyeShock, horror! Some people may have been given false positives from a virus test lab! Or they may not have. The operators of the lab declared the BBC's Xcitement over the issue to be 'selective representation'. 'Of the worst sort' implied.
[That's the Beeb all over. Ed.]

tick symbol Lobbying of the government has begun already for making a winter lockdown an essential annual event to provide an enhanced Xmas Xperience through the sheer relief of unlocko.

Far Queue symbol President Gopher Joe is threatening a tariff war with the UK if President Boris doesn't cancel the Digital Services Tax on the revenues of tech giants like Gooble & FakeBuk, which was introduced a year ago.

markerIt doesn’t have to make sense, it’s the EFU
bulletThe EFU is refusing to accept seafood from the UK's 'polluted' coastal waters.
bullet The EFU wants its member states to be free to hoover up as much seafood as they like from the UK's coastal waters, and to have priority over British fishing vessels.

first class stampreader comment“That was a brilliant idea from Little John of the Daily Mail, to make EFU countries Xplain their goods in all the languages used here. That's leaflets & labels printed in over 300 languages, including lots of varieties of scribble. Only then will they be allowed to export stuff to us. Red-tape them until they learn a sense of proportion.” Niti Sawn

markerIs the modern British Army required to take the Knee of Shame before going into battle, thus making all those obese battlers into sitting ducks for enemy snipers?

first class stampreader comment“On what exactly did President Boris spend the £2.6 MILLION that was blown on his Downing Street press briefing room? There should have been at least a couple of Rembrandts in there.” 40 Chewed

marker Germany & Austria are in a real wobble over the Oxford plague vaccine. First, it was banned for people over 65. Now, no one younger than 60 is allowed to have it.
Wot next?

markerEaster Treat:
The Carthage Symphony Orchestra presents a performance of Hannibal's Messia upon a troop of specially trained African elephants to ensure safe spacing of the performers.
** Featuring the Non-Covid Chorus **

bulletMotto For The Day:
For every person who believes something stoopid, you can be sure there are 100 more who believe something even dafter.

reader comment“You'd think people who are non-white, non-Christian and/or non-atheist are trying to create an apartheid society, in which they are the Xcluded minority because they have refused to be vaccinated against the Chinese plague.” Tak Tierem
reader comment“Which raises the interesting question of how entitled they are if their exile is self-inflicted.” 40 Fied

first class stampreader comment“We should definitely not be donating surplus plague vaccine to Ireland & other unfriendly EFU states. Selling only—and doing it at a price that covers our costs fully. And a bit more for good luck and their bad faith.” 10 Shun

reader comment“Maybe pretend financial regulators could end up on half salary for a couple of years; with no option to change their job; if they let dodgy hedge fundamentalists run riot on their watch.” Con Tours

bulletSemper Piranhas

No swastikas!bulletQ: How did Scotland Yard miss a Nazi in the ranks of the Metropolitan police?
bulletA: Because if you start checking up on what candidates tell you, Those People start jumping up & down and screaming "Rachel Profiling!" and "Anti-Diversity" and similar stuff and making a real nuisance of themselves @ the taxpayer's expense.

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reader comment“The people agitating over vaccine passport discrimination are the worst sort of Xcluders. If one person can't go somewhere or do something, no one can.
   “There's a lethal plague in circulation and people who can't or won't be vaccinated or tested are a threat to the rest of us. One which we would prefer to avoid.” Judge 4man

skull 2bullet The Chinese plague vaccination programme is allowing deaths from other causes to catch up and take their rightful place in official statistics.
bullet Look out for some weird suntan effects—people on Spanish beaches have to wear a mask when sunbathing. Or pay a fine/fee of €100 if they want a full-face tan.

markerWoeful Hack Outfit
If the head of the WHO doesn't believe the official WHO report on the source of the plague that spread from China, why should anyone else? Especially as he's from Ethiopia, an indentured Chinese client.
   About all we can be certain of is that enough whitewash has been applied and enough evidence has been destroyed to leave the point eternally moot.

markerToo lenient by half
How much judgely deliberation went into deciding that a bloke from Brinnington (which is quite near Romiley), who sliced and diced his wife for letting a £3 bag of chips defrost, has to spend thirteen and one-third years in gaol before he can be considered for parole?
   In a case like that, throw away the key is the only reasonable choice.

markerHe told us so
In 2010, Dave the Leader called lobbying the next big scandal waiting to happen. Surprise! This was confirmed by the actions of Dave in pursuit of MILLIONs of quid after he left office as PM and an MP. Well, we can't say we weren't warned.

bulletQ: Why did the Archbish of Cantab step up and grot all over Maz's phantom wedding 3 daze before the real event?
bulletA: He has a book to plug.

bulletQ: If hereditary peers are undemocratic, why do we have to put up with the dregs of politics and the cronies of ditched leaders in the House of Frauds?
bulletA: Dunno.

Maculinea arionXperts? Major fail!
We were absolutely guaranteed that Maculinea arion, the British large blue butterfly and a favourite prey of the Victorians, was doomed to Xtinction in 1979. It even got a Radio Times front cover to let everyone have a last look at it. And it was used as a gadget in the novel Roundabout by RLC author Philip H. Turner.
   Surprise! Despite its weird, parasitic life cycle, the large blue is still around if you know where to look for it.

marker Anglers are going to have to do some serious weight training if they hope to land fish which have grown to ginormous proportions @ fishing reservations during their locko furlough.

reader comment“The trial of the cop who is facing 3 murder charges w.r.t. G. Floyd is a complete waste of time. The prisoner in the dock has been fired by his PD and the city of Minneapolis has paid $27 million to the Floyd family. How prejudicial can you get?” Vigor Vitas

Yawn 2bullet Shock, horror! Some political wasbeen has come up with a Bile Bucket About Boris.
update Not just Boris. Mr. Duncan didn't get on with anyone at all. So it's more like a tankerload of bile.

markerThe Kerching! community is greeting with dismay, the news that there has never been an outbreak of the Chinese plague associated with crowds gathering on a beach anywhere in the world. Which makes the FPN [see above] fine potential zero.
   Except at 'pinch' points like refreshment facilities where safe spacing breaks down.

tick symbol Democracy in action—60% of boozers are happy to put up with vaccine certificates if it means they can go darn the pub. Another boot in the teeth for the Stet Devretners.

first class stampreader comment“You have to wonder about the competence of the people running things on the other side of the Channel. Whilst doing their best to stop supplies of the Oxford vaccine getting to the UK, they're banning its use in the EFU zone.” Π Rate

reader comment“Ripping away the institutional rachelism alibi is tearing a secruity blanket out of the fingers of everyone who wants to feel entitled. Are we bovvered? Naaa!” Add Mitta

markerWe might have had this before but it bears repeating—Where do all the virgins come from and what does the hero do after consuming his quota?

markerNot impressed
We were assured that the first Monday of the month would be a return to the depths of winter. But it was a sunny and only moderately chilly day, despite the persistent breeze.
   So why were those bastards at Weather Control lying to us?

first class stampreader comment“After seeing a picture of a bunch of coppers doing the Knee of Shame, I started wondering if their enormous equipment belt now includes a handy little brush for the knee which was in contact with the nasty, filthy ground. No doubt some chief constabule's lucky best mate got the supply contract for them.” Bear Norby
reader comment“What we need to know is if there are any statues of Sir Wm. McFearsome, who confected the institutional rachelism myth, which can be chucked into a handy harbour.” Jonquin Sella
reader comment“Could the Archybish of Cantab also take a dip for trying to tag the Church of England with the institutional rachelism label?” A. Vicar

cross symbol The Xperts reckon that scriptrotters will become Xtinct in the Fine Future, which will belong to computer programs and a library of 30,000 gimmicks and story lines for the computer to mix and match in original ways.

markerThe Council done it, it don’t have to make sense
The council of Birkenhead in Scouseland has blown taxpayers' money on a whirlpool of circle segments in the middle of a road as part of a daft scam to encourage customers to walk or cycle.
   The council itself is unable to explain how the mess is supposed to be navigated—treat it as a roundabout or drive straight across it. Our consultant psychologist reckons it is intended to leave drivers so confused that they give up motoring all together.

markerJurassic Justice
J. Epstein and G. Maxwell have been accused of attempting to persuade a genetobiologist to breed carnivorous dinosaurs the size of a large dog, to which their victims could be fed should said victims make a nuisance of themself.

marker Labour's Shadow Chancellor is reported to have a severe case of the hump because Tory government ministers took no notice of Dave the ex-Leader's lobbying on behalf of the gone bust Greenhill company; to the taxpayer's relief; and deprived her of a megawhinge.
   Life's a beach and then you drown. Or something like that.
reader comment“Life is a golden beach, then the tide comes in just when you have got yourself comfortable.” Oliver Warm

virus t-shirtsAd Attack Virus Victim? Virus Vanquisher?
& every step in between

Loadsa T-shirts for all Moods
& Preferences in all Colours
Romiley Togs, 41 Riverside Drive

boneheadBournemouth council has been nominated for a 2021 Confecter Award for not emptying litter bins and using a drone to spot victims who can be fined for not using an overflowed litter bin.
   Serving the customers. Not.

bulletQ: Why is the phrase 'Dundee United' used as an insult in Africa?
bulletA: Because they don't have any football teams of their own?

marker New rule for the Untied States: Every American traditional phrase or saying; e.g. pork barrel politics; has to have a confected slavery connection.

Ad Attack Do You know the facts about fake honey?
If not, maybe you'd like to sample some of ours
Tastes just like the real thing, honest!
A real consolation for Chinese plague and lockdown disorders
Romiley Health-Kick, 51 Riverside rive

markerInitials to know No. 1,525: MBE
Monster Bung Extravaganza
[I've been asked if HTFK is to be included but our regular readers know it very well. Ed.]
reader commentOBE is Oh, Bloody 'Ell?” Annie Walking

skull 2Things To Come
1. The next expansion episode of the current victim culture pandemic is expected to be the confection of a lost covid generation. Politicians from the Xtremes are already 'working hard' on the project. [Of buying the lost ones' votes. Ed.]
2. There are plans for an animal boat race if the Chinese plague continues to disrupt the human event.

markerNicola Splurgeon is stealing England’s future
The SNP claims that Scotland's tax revenues cover all devolved spending on day-to-day public services. If that is so, why is public funding per person 30% higher for Scotland than for England?

Far Queue symbol Goldmine Sachs and JeeP Morgan make a bog of the valuation of a much-hyped company which is joining the stock market. After being sold at the Xperts' price, the shares plunge 30% when trading starts. But that's just mispriceing and as unimportant as misspeaking by a politician.

Ad Attack Want to keep the Creeping Covids out?
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Romiley Upings & Downings, 39 Riverside drive

first class stampreader comment“Participating in your local community is a privilege, not an absolute right, and dependent on your good conduct. If you are likely to spread a plague in that community by not being vaccinated; or do it to the Cup Final crowd; Xcluding you is not discrimination, it is sound good sense. So yah-boo sucks to Swami Chuckabutty and her ilk.” J. Binglebush

markerWhat's the latest scam for solving all The World's problems?
Pink bendy buses. Well, that should work.

bulletQ: What's a good way to sleaze the bloke whose report grotted all over the institutional rachelism industry and its lazy generalizations?
bulletA: Accuse him of glorifying & revelling in the slave trade, knowing it to be a non-white lie.
reader comment“S.O.P. of Those People” Noted Carousel

bullet Don't plan on going to the gym tomorrow, the Xperts are telling us, coz your stoopid body will scoff extra grub today and you won't lose any weight.
   The only way to lose weight from exercise is to make an instant decision to go to the gym and go directly there.

Far Queue symbol The WHO has blasted the EFU's vaccination programme as unacceptably slow. The EFU will continue to lumber on @ its pathetic pace regardless.

reader comment“A headmaster who banned history @ his school because only white kings & queens of Britain are on offer, and hauled down the Union Flag, deserves to be tarred & feathered on every schoolday and every weekend during school holidays.” Glint East

markerVertical equemtocy
The SNP is hiring a mechanical digger to dig trenches during the Scittish Parliament election campaign. The Gnats hope to make rival candidates stand in a trench so that their midget of a leader can acquire height parity with the other parties.

hello!reader comment“The impression I got from a brief dip into the shock-horror Duncan political memoirs is that he (or a ghost writer) has done a megawhinge about everyone he was rude to and who subsequently refused to have anything to do with him. And he baled out of politics a year and a bit ago because he got fed up of being treated like the Invisible Man.” Weakly Rageous
reader comment“Life really sucks if you have access to all those subsidized bars and no one will buy you a drink.” Al Most


markerI’m all right, Jack mentality
We are told that the Chinese plague is a contemptible little disease with only a 0.5% mortality rate. The implication is that the government should have told us to ignore it a year ago and let those who couldn't resist it croak for the sake of the economy.
   But would the Croakers have accepted the bill for 300,000 funerals and the blame for all those deaths? One guess.

Ad Attack Hitting the buffers in your 40s & 50s?
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Romiley Swooon! Agent, 162 Riverside drive

writer comment“I have just read that the French author E. Zola would have us believe that a novelist is nothing more than a court clerk, who records what he has seen. What total & utter bollux and a silly denial of the existence of imagination. And wot about science fiction? When did Arthur C. Clarke ever visit Titan?” M.K.

first class stampreader comment“We are being invited to believe that the US government at the turn of the century had explosives stashed in the upper floors of the World Trade Centre in New York.
   “Why? On the off chance that terrorists would fly planes into the twin towers and give the US military an excuse to kill O. b. Laden.
   “There's always someone who is ready to believe absolutely anything if it suits them. Or just to be awkward.” Laird Gury

bulletQ: How do you pretend that a remake of King Kong vs Godzilla is a new film?
bulletA: Call it Godzilla vs Kong and hope no one makes unfortunate comparisons with the film from 60 years ago and no one notices the lameness of the remake's plot.

markerTowed into a hole
Anyone who has had a vehicle towed away and impounded because of a parking offence or other reason during the last 30 years can demand their money back if they still have the paperwork.
   The enabling legislation was cancelled by accident in 1991 due to a 'drafting error' and the wonks @ the Home Office have only just noticed. Unfortunately, something else which has been noticed is their efforts to sneak the legislation back into place.
   As big a mess as PPI, we are assured.

reader comment“What we need is some revitalization. so let's ditch all this BS about roadmaps and substitute the metaphore of creating a footpath through a wilderness. Because that's what all the following the science and being nudged or shoved by pressure groups amounts to.” Jake Gurn

TV Listing typo: ITV4, 5:55, Monster Crap

cross symbol The main problem with the members of the government's all-ethnic rachel disparity commission seems to be that every single one of the people picked is a W.T.E., and they have upset the HUTAgonian V.C.E. Crowd mightily.

markerInitials to know No. 1,526: WTE
Wrong Type of Ethnic, a.k.a. a Real Person

markerInitials to know No. 1,527: VCE
Victimhood Confecting Ethnic, also: VCNEA—Victimhood Confecting Non-Ethnic Ally

Kreepy pantscross symbol Sir Kreepy Steamer has been informed that the voters will continue to have the hump with the Labour party until he does a grovelling apology to the nation for O.J. Corbynstein and his own cosying up to O.J.
reader comment“His task won't be made any easier by Labour local government candidates calling flying or embracing the Union Flag, as Sir Kreepy has been trying to do, something that only a Fascist would do.” Mypar Fect

look leftlook rightThings To Avoid: Fat Dunk
definition: Horrible mess, opposite of Slim Dunk—an elegant success
source: Survivors by Amarath Prethon

bulletDespite gorbal warming, there are records being set all over Europe for the lowest ever night-time temperature @ this time of year, especially in the Balkans.

tick symbol Dave the ex-Leader looks likely to be instrumental in triggering legislation to control lobbying and end abuses & cronyism, which really Xploded when New Labour was in charge.

Knee of Grace The weird vocalist Cher (74) is in trouble for claiming that everything could have been okay for G. Floyd if she had been there when he was arrested for passing a dud $20 bill. Which is sparking a new industry.
   Maybe the Ever Bloody In The Way wouldn't have got stuck across the Suez Canal if Cher had been on the bridge. Maybe J.F.K. would still be alive if she'd been in Dallas on that day. Ect. ect.

tick symbolFakeBuk and its subsidiaries are quite happy to let suicide clubs of teenage girls flourish on their platforms as nothing they do breaks the infinitely flexible rules.

First class stampreader comment“I was amused to read that Scary Carrie is getting the blame for all the animal escapes from the zoo that belongs to the charity which employs her.
   “Three of the fugitives were recaptured, one had to be killed after injuring itself and a rather small, rusty-spotted cat is still at large.” Rhett Ralph

markerWho will win the End of Lock-in Showdown? It's pretty much level pegging between the Libertarians, who want 'anything goes' & the Clampers, who want people to be able to prove they're not spreading the Chinese plague before they are allowed to leave their isolation bunker.

purple face mask + + + Duke of Edinburgh expires 2 months short of 100th birthday + + + Speculation & obituary industries go into overdrive + + + One of a kind + + + Plague restrictions will make funeral a family affair + + +

look leftlook rightThings To Kno:
Wall-eyed raving looney lefties have replaced rachelism with 'nativism' in the hope that real people won't realize they are being insulted and slug the offender in the mush.
   Also, nationalism = fascism, the loonies reckon, and patriotism is unmentionable because the last thing they could ever be is patriotic.
   In fact, the only thing lefties hate more than patriotism and the British people is people with more money than them who refuse to share their wealth with unworthy lefty scroungers.

red eyemarkerSupermarkets are in competition for free publicity from their substitutes for items ordered online but not available.
   The most stoopid swaps seem to be based on pocket phones, e.g. sending half a dozen Galaxy phones instead of Galaxy chocolate bars or a tablet computer instead of washing or other tablets.

bullet FREE LONDON with every 5 gallons

first class stampreader comment“Has Professor of anti-non-black propaganda Doktor Gopal of Cambridge U. shot herself in the foot by reminding everyone that Narzi propagandist J. Goebbels had a doctorate, just like her? Or has she just managed to tar herself with the drippings from the brush she was using on white people?” Rachel Wrath
[Votes on a PC to the usual address Ed.]

Wee Burney Sturgeon has a haircutmarkerA haircut too far!
Scittish First Meenister, Wee Burney Sturgeon, busting a gut to beat President Boris to that all important 'first haircut after lock-in' publicity stunt, failed to notice that some comedian had booked her appointment @ the ALBA nail bar & hair style saloon for the Salmond Special.
   Nice shine from the polish job, though!

tongueThe EFU is allegedly investigating claims that the Russian Sputnik vaccine for the Chinese plague was tested on customers who were forced to join in.
   Sounds like a total waste of time. What else do you Xpect from Putinstan? Or the EFU, for that matter.

You have to be tough to be vaccinated around here!
first class stampreader comment“Friday: Phone call from the Health Centre, vaccination available @ 10:50 tomorrow @ Woodley Civic Hall. Saturday: Leave home at 10:10, stop in at newsagent, on to Woodley. Risk life & limb crossing the pedestrian unfriendly main road to get to Civic Hall. Arrive 8 minutes early. The queue goes on and on and on and on.
   “Conclude that 99 others got the same appointment time as me. The scattering of hail during the walk to Woodley becomes snow, which rules out reading the paper. 11:25, indoors, give details, wait some more, get the jab, out @ 11:35. Still snowing. Home @ 12:05. The snow stops @ 12:25 and it brightens up. 12:45: the Sun comes out, unappreciative vaccinated mob besieges local Weather Control Centre.” Rho D'Bloque

Far Queue symbol Sir Kreepy Steamer is back to playing politics. Anything that the government does (or doesn't do) with respect to vaccine passports, he will be agin it.

Far Queue symbol The teaching unions are demanding that their members should not have to leave home, should not have to have anything to do with 'orrible kids and should receive an instant 37% pay rise.

Far Queue symbol Edinburgh council is up for a stoopidity award after putting a cycle lane between a parking lane for cars and the pavement.
   As a result, parked cars and the cycle lane occupy three-quarters of their side of the road and traffic in motion has to wait for gaps in oncoming traffic on the other side of the road, or dodge it or play chicken with it.
   Even worse, cyclists won't use their lane because they are worried about people in cars in the parking zone opening a door as a biker arrives at their usual reckless speed.

Far Queue symbol Brides of Daesh of all nationalities are 'doing a Begun' and dressing normally in an attempt to persuade Western politicians that they are no longer a threat to life & limb.

markerProstitutes in Brazil are on strike for a week for not being treated as priority workers and entitled to a shot of plague vaccine.
   Well, it's a valid point of view.

markerInitials to know No. 1,528: PWFB
People Without a Functioning Brain

markerInitials to know No. 1,529: GFR
Genuine Failure of Recollection, context: a politician lying about not remembering saying something incriminating

Far Queue symbol The Salmonella Alba party is predicted to win zero seats in the Scittish Parliament elections but the pollsters think it will hoover up enough votes to deprive Wee Burney of a majority and leave her still having to suck up to the Greens.

tick symbol The herd will achieve immunity on the second Monday of this month (74% of the customers protected), some of the Xperts reckon.

markerModern rhyming slang: ToAnd
To & Fro = Afro

bullet The Xperts are in a race to be the first to find something possibly/maybe/might be wrong with the US Moderna plague vaccine, which is now available in the UK.

bulletQ: How do you succeed as a bank robber?
bulletA: A thief in Germany wore a tie which was so horrible that everyone stared at it and no one looked at his face. Not even the CCTV cameras.
reader comment“Why wasn't he wearing a mask? Or did no one notice that he was (or wasn't) 'coz of the 'orrible tie?” Specs Bloor

Bombshell The travel industry has the hump with President Boris big-time for not allowing it to move plague spreaders around the world to wherever they'll pay to go.

skull 2Swallowing the science
Bi-weekly testing of everyone in England for the Chinese plague using lateral flow kits will generate 60,000 to 500,000 false positives per week, depending on who is making the guess.
   Either end of the range is a number that is much too huge to be coped with and the cost of the scam will be £1 BILLION per month.
first class stampreader comment“The sensible thing to do would appear to avoid getting involved in this scam. Non-participation will also be a bonus for the taxpayer, if a small one.” Blue Tempo
reader comment“Probably something on the same scale as making the UK carbon zero whilst China, India and the US continue to go their merry way.” Olin Hilly
reader comment“We are assured that a raft of businesses is about to be reopened. The only problem is that the raft is parked in the middle of the world's widest river, which is full of piranha fish & crocodiles, and the government has locked up all the boats.” Hugo First

This Week's Pathetic Bit of Censorship:
****-a-doodle-doo! [Daily Mail, Tuesday]
context: extracting the pee from the Duncan whinge memoirs

bulletQ: What's a good way for a former colleague turned enemy to wind up President MacRon?
bulletA: Forecasting that Marine le Pen will be elected France's president next year.

Far Queue symbol One of the teaching unions is demanding that black history and slavery connections be confected into all lessons, including cookery, mathematics and woodwork.

Isolierings mobilemarkerDrastic action
A surge in plague cases in Sweden has led to citizens resorting to the use of a personal isolation chamber when they have to visit one of the larger cities.

bullet There's a really doomy Xpert in Germany who is forecasting that locko might end up a permanent condition there as the Chinese plague infection rate soars!

bullet Despite gorbal warming, the French wine industry is declaring itself to be a disaster area after searing spring frosts destroyed vineyards. Luckily, quality wines are available from lots of other countries.

face maskGood news for sunbathers in Spain, the commandment that face masks must be worn on beaches has been cancelled.
   No more weird facial tan lines!

first class stampAn Austrian man, who was fined €500 for breaking plague rules by farting 'provocatively' in a public park, has had the fine reduced on appeal! This followed shock-horror headlines around the world, which forced Vienna's police force to claim, on auntie-social media, that no one would be done over for accidentally ‘letting one go’. Once.
    The victim of the fiscal assault challenged the fine on the grounds that what he had done was a natural biological process and the fine amounted to limitation of his freedom of expression and a breach of his 'uman bluddy rights, even if the fart had been released deliberately rather than accidentally.
   As he did not have a criminal record, the court reduced the fine to €100 as a warning to the bloke not to make a habit of it.
reader comment“At least the fartologist didn't get done for a spurious victim surcharge.” Morag Vehicle
reader comment“Maybe not, but he must be on the run from a gang of crooked lawyers with customers claiming $1,000,000 apiece 'coz of the damage done to their delicate state of health by the reckless emissions.” Marga Lunch

Bucks, bucks, $$$$$$$$$$
It is difficult not to see a conspiracy behind all the black propaganda against the Oxford plague vaccine. It is the only one being sold at cost, which means that AstraZeneca isn't making anything out of it. The others, in contrast, are all for-profit deals.
   Lots of countries chosing not to use the Oxo vaccine because their customers have been frightened away from it means a Kerching!-fest for the other main manufacturers.

bullet One positive outcome of all that chat about vaccine passports is that it has spurred rachel minorities into accepting a shot of the white man's medicine in order not to be left out of things even more than usual.

bulletQ: Why does it say USELESS on a packet of the new, improved Persil?
bulletA: Maybe because it is now so concentrated that it will burn holes in your clothes before it can be diluted sufficiently to become harmless. Or maybe not.
[It actually says Use Less, you confecters. Ed.]

bullet Novichok didn't get the job done so Putin the Poisoner's minions have given Kreml critic A. Navalny a dose of tuberculosis instead.

markerOne-way street or seals are people, too
We hear an awful lot about gorbal warming driving polar bears into extinction from blesséd pundits, even though bear numbers are rising. Strange we never hear anything from these same people about the animal right of seals not to be killed & scoffed by polar bears.

markerRich people are being encouraged to pay more council tax as a voluntary gesture like the ones made by people living in the area serviced by Wesminster council.
reader comment“Presumably, so that the town clerk and the gang of upper-echelon minions can be offered even more eye-watering salaries.” Van Minh Dong

bullet President Gopher Joe has appointed a commission to work out how to sneak more Democrap-supporting judges into the US Supreme Court.

bullet Labour has come down against vaccine passports because the party doesn't think its donors will get any of the contracts which will go to the private sector if the passports are ruled vital to opening up sporting and dramatic events.

look bothbulletQ: How do local council officers end up being paid (not earning) a quarter of a million quid per annum or more?
bulletA: Because most councillors are just cannon fodder, who vote the way they're told, and party bosses think it makes them look good if they're paying the town clerk and lesser minions an ENORMOUS salary. Yes, this doesn't make any real-world sense but that's what's been happening for decades and decades.

markerCommunality cancelled, individuality rulz
The anti-plastic mob will be bouncing up and down with rage now that cafés and other eateries have reopen and BILLIONs of individual sachets of ketchup, brown sauce, salad dressings, etc. are unleashed on the world.
reader comment“No doubt the exercise will do them some good.” Fred Wok

Bombshell A. Salmonella is in Putin the Poisoner's pocket and never off his propaganda TV channel Russia Today, which means Putinstan comes first & Scotland second on his list of priorities. Or, more probably, a distant third behind the interests of Gospodin Salmonella.

good news for particle physicists. Recent results from both sides of the Atlantic confirm that they haven't discovered everything there is to kno about The Universe.
   Which means they're still in a job and still able to demand zillions for further huge-scale and mind-blowingly complicated experiments.

markerThe latest demand from the teaching unions is that toxic examinations should be abolished and customers @ schools should be rated according to how much their parents bung to the unions.
bullet The next demand is expected to be that all children be banned from schools, which should be converted into leisure centres for teachers.

First class stampreader comment“Maybe the obsessions of successive London mayors can be combined to the betterment of humanity. Everyone who wants to take advantage of Sadgeek Khan's obsession with decriminalizing cannabis should be allowed to join in only on a Boris Bike along the edge of a steep cliff.” Gury Raker

bulletQ: How do you get petrol bombs flying again in Belfast?
bulletA: Let the IRA ignore the plague laws concerning the number of people allowed to attend a funeral.

Revealed Being locked in 'coz of the Chinese plague has made fragile relationships more likely to break down, the Xperts reckon. Not an unexpected result but what are the Xperts going to do with it that saves humanity from going Xtinct?

bulletQ: How do you turn a £7 million conference centre into a £100 million nightmare?
bulletA: Put the comrades in charge of the Unite union in charge of the project.

Bombshell The world's highest concentration of Chelsea tractors is in . . . Chelsea! This is expected to remain true as the larger size of an SUV offers more battery space and a greater range between recharges than is available to smaller electric personnel transporters.

bullet The Doom Mongers are getting their 'I told you so' in place in case Boris relaxes locko too quickly and there's a third one thanks to unchecked plague hotspots. Cheerful bunch of buggers, ain't they?

Yawn 1reader comment“Sir Kreepy Steamer is yelling that he's completely different from President Boris in every way, shape and form. What a clot he is if he doesn't think we've noticed that.” Mustafa Riddle

skull 2Big problem for inhabitants of the Caribbean island St. Vincent—their resident volcano, La Soufriere, is popping off but they are not allowed to be evacuated on cruise ships, their prime monster has decided, if they've not been vaccinated against the Chinese plague.

skull 2 Italians who are hoping to get a shot of plague vaccine are discovering this is not possible unless they are a friend of the Mafia, which is commandeering supplies intended for the elderly to give to pals and clients.
   The Italian prime monster, meanwhile, is popping off at queue jumpers and ignoring the Mafia situation completely.

marker Shopkeepers in Naples are in trouble for waving only female underwear during their street protests about the effect all the lockdowns; or should that be locksdown?; have had on their businesses. The lack of garment diversity has upset whole gangs of Those People.

meanwhileGermans, who are having to contend with a third wave of the Chinese plague, think they have been locked down and they can't understand why alleged medical Xperts & politicians are talking about the need for a lockdown.
   The problem seems to be that there has been only a 'sort of' lockdown in Germany with opportunities for social contacts—and forming social bubbles has been just advice rather than a rule. Maybe Frau Mherkel will get round to doing it properly before she retreats into the political wilderness.

face maskGulp! Having done the deadly blood clot condemnation on the AstraZeneca Oxford vaccine, the French are about to do the same to the Johnson & Johnson single-dose product.

markerNo chance of getting a grip, of course
We are told again & again that the last 12 months have been 'unprecedented'; but that's just Bollux to Berko. World War Two? World War One? Remember them?
   Lives turned upside down. Lives terminated abruptly. The economy in ruins. Debts from WW 2 not paid off until the beginning of the present century.
   Those embracing the victim culture with both arms and both legs want our current situation to be unique for their own devious/defective purposes.
   But it ain't. Tough. Deal with it.

marker The Chinese regime has Kerching!ed £2,400,000,000 (4% of 2019 sales) from tech shark Alibaba [me neither, Ed.] as a penalty for its anti-competitive practices.

markerAssurance Process needed
Saying no to vaccine certification has cost Sir Kreepy the votes of professional sports people, who want crowds in financially viable numbers at their events.

Far Queue symbol After threatening a tariff war with the UK when President Boris announced plans to tax US tech giants, President Gopher Joe has pinched the idea as his personal brilliant new policy.

bulletQ: What is a really pathetic way to sleaze G. Maxwell, who is currently imprisoned in New York's lethal detention centre?
bulletA: Claim she doesn't flush the toilet often enough and the entire useless and smelly sewage system in the building is her fault.
reader comment“It's a wonder they don't accuse her of breeding & releasing all the rats & cockroaches in the place.” Rachel Wrath

NiCOLA canNiCOLA canAdvertisement
Watch oot Irn Bru
is coming for U!

“An energy drink for the nation”
“The ULTIMATE Wee Burney burn-oot!”

markerVanity 1, Pomposity 2
It has taken professional football long enough to decide to abandon the anti-social meeja and deprive sad bastards of somewhere to throw bricks at teams and their management.
   But they're depriving FakeBuk, Twatter & the rest of advertising revenue for only a week before the flow of barely literate tripe resumes.

markerIncomplete conspiracy theory
According to the 'influencers' of auntie-social fiction factories, Chinese plague vaccines are lethal concoctions and part of a sinister plan to depopulate The Planet. But to the benefit of whom?
   Is it the envious socialists, who don't think other people should have stuff? Or is it the grabbing communists, who think all property is theft except for whatever they have blagged?

Big Thanks! to Dr. Little John of the Daily Mail for revealing that the popular cold remedy Lemsip could cause the potentially lethal blood clots which are being blamed by foreign countries on the Oxford Chinese plague vaccine.
   Statins, ibuprofen and penicillin also have the same warning on the label.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, April MM21 like anyone cares