The congestion tax imposed on vehicles in central London has increased the amounts of the more dangerous air pollutants emitted by them.
The electric heat pumps demanded by the government in all homes as part of its zero carbon emissions scam are expensive, unreliable and rubbish technology compared to gas boilers.
Q: Is a tomato a fruit? Or a vegetable, as the US Supreme Court ruled?
“If there is an active campaign on-going to deflect people from the @-cost AZ vaccine to the ones offering IMMENSE profits to the manufacturers, it is hypocrisy of the worst sort for politicians & their burrocraps to moan about problems in supplying a vaccine that no one wants, allegedly.
Bad news for the confecting industry; the silly story that the Royal Family includes Moorish ancestors is just that, a silly story invented by people with an agenda.
Have U tried NiCOLA yet?
“According to my newspaper, some government minions were advised on how to conduct themselves on the day the Duke of Edinburgh died. Which conjurs up an image of them being lined up and told how to stop doing the self-promotion thing and behave like real people for a day or two by the Commons Protocol Sergeant-Major.” Soup Rano
Despite the pandemic, President Gopher Joe is attempting to fill the Untied States with migrants from South America in the hope that they will vote Democrap.
caption: The French government makes itself popular with the rest of Europe by polluting the skies over the continent with a public bonfire of confiscated & unwanted Chinese plague vaccine doses to prevent them from crossing the Channel to the UK.
Things to come; maybe
Bloody customers! Let them out of locko a bit and what do they do? Fill the nation's parks and empty spaces with litter and pee and crap all over the place.
We have been informed that calling the Duck of Sussex 'Prince Hairy' has been deemed disrespectful. 1. Respect must be earned.
"That's my bestimate" sounds so much more authoritative than "that's my guestimate".
The Metropolitan Police did their job properly and correctly when dispersing the unruly mod of Virgil Victims and arresting those who confected being busted.
Pres. MacRon is not at all pleased with his customers. They have let him down badly by spreading the Chinese plague recklessly and making him look a twerp in the court of world opinion.
Q: We all just 'umans, aren't we?
Made to order
No longer wanted on voyage
Oak wrap! Some Japanese impressario lady has decided that virtual art is worthless. So that's $50 MILLION down the drain for the Beeple.
Surprise! The lobbying watchdog has done a Wee Burney on Dave the ex-Leader and cleared him of all rule-breaking.
How does the SNP at home and away get away with not including BLAME Bunchers and not doing diversity?
The government appears to be giving a subsidy to the Royal Mail's letters division by sending out millions of threatening reminders to people who have already filled in the March census form. Those received this morning from a certain Professor I. Diamond may be ignored as blatantly obvious April Fools.
Tonite’s Film: Four Funerals and a Weeding
Rule Number 1 for Suez or any other canal: Never attempt a 3-point turn if the length of your ship is greater than the width of the canal.
“One did get the impression that the BBC was wetting its collective self yesterday over the chance to repeat the words 'Nazi' and 'terrorist' about an exed-copper who had scored a couple of white bad guy diversity points to offset the thousands scored by Islamists of old and new immigrant stock.” Bay Conan
Q: Automobile is a car, which makes skymobile . . . a plane?
Another BashedEar bombshell about a phantom abortion? The scrubbers are going to have to work overtime to prove that he didn't mislead Princess Di to get his meltdown interview with her.
The latest scare story from the Xperts is that you will die 51% faster if you eat 2 sausages per week.
“How long do we have to put up with the naked rachelism of whiteboards? We demand the return of our blackboards & chalk!” 4 Midable
Wee Burney Sturgeon thinks an independence vote to make her First President of Scotland has a higher priority than staying in the Untied Kingdom and extracting cash from English taxpayers to repair the damage done in Scotland by the Chinese plague!
The Co-op supermarket chain is to put GPS tags on high-price items such as expensive cuts of meat to make life tough for thieves.
The Chinese government is expecting a vote of thanks from the UK for seeing off the Yorkshire Ripper with its plague.
Maz the Merciless is expected to achieve total meltdown in 9 days if she decides to run for president of the Untied States in 2024 as she will be unable to cope with the barrage of inspection of her factoids and motives.
Egypt is facing the threat of a rival plague caused by the deaths of hundreds of thousands of animals stuck without food, water and space to move on the ships trapped in the Suez Canal by the Evergreen Line's monster container ship Ever Given.
Dave the ex-leader is going to have to be cleared of putting himself about on behalf of a disgraced tycoon in Singapore. The scrubbers will be v. busy for the foreseeable future.
Redundancies in the near future?
Forget the Rule of Six, it's the Rule of Six Hundred whilst the Sun is shining. But everything will be back to normal when winter returns on Easter Monday.
Confection, confection, confection!
Trouble paying your tuition fees? Universities all over the country are encouraging their customerswith free information packs and coursesto dive in to the sex industry and make lotz of lovely money to spend on university courses.
Russians are being faced with a terrible dilemma. If they don't stop drinking vodka, they will destroy the protection from the Chinese plague conveyed by their Sputnik V vaccine!
The government is worried that the initial locko relaxo madness will be a lasting phenomenon rather than a temporary embarrassment. Customers are just not getting the difference between some rules relaxed and a free-for-all.
Initials to know No. 1,524: FPN
Dopes who want to buy dope in New York will be allowed to only if they are over 21. Alternatively, they will be allowed to grow half a dozen pot plants for personal consumption.
Golfers with luminous balls teeing off @ 1 second past midnight on Monday? Who's going to believe that!
Shock, horror! Some people may have been given false positives from a virus test lab! Or they may not have. The operators of the lab declared the BBC's Xcitement over the issue to be 'selective representation'. 'Of the worst sort' implied.
Lobbying of the government has begun already for making a winter lockdown an essential annual event to provide an enhanced Xmas Xperience through the sheer relief of unlocko.
President Gopher Joe is threatening a tariff war with the UK if President Boris doesn't cancel the Digital Services Tax on the revenues of tech giants like Gooble & FakeBuk, which was introduced a year ago.
It doesn’t have to make sense, it’s the EFU
“That was a brilliant idea from Little John of the Daily Mail, to make EFU countries Xplain their goods in all the languages used here. That's leaflets & labels printed in over 300 languages, including lots of varieties of scribble. Only then will they be allowed to export stuff to us. Red-tape them until they learn a sense of proportion.” Niti Sawn
Is the modern British Army required to take the Knee of Shame before going into battle, thus making all those obese battlers into sitting ducks for enemy snipers?
“On what exactly did President Boris spend the £2.6 MILLION that was blown on his Downing Street press briefing room? There should have been at least a couple of Rembrandts in there.” 40 Chewed
Germany & Austria are in a real wobble over the Oxford plague vaccine. First, it was banned for people over 65. Now, no one younger than 60 is allowed to have it.
Motto For The Day:
“You'd think people who are non-white, non-Christian and/or non-atheist are trying to create an apartheid society, in which they are the Xcluded minority because they have refused to be vaccinated against the Chinese plague.” Tak Tierem
“We should definitely not be donating surplus plague vaccine to Ireland & other unfriendly EFU states. Selling onlyand doing it at a price that covers our costs fully. And a bit more for good luck and their bad faith.” 10 Shun
“Maybe pretend financial regulators could end up on half salary for a couple of years; with no option to change their job; if they let dodgy hedge fundamentalists run riot on their watch.” Con Tours
Q: How did Scotland Yard miss a Nazi in the ranks of the Metropolitan police?
“The people agitating over vaccine passport discrimination are the worst sort of Xcluders. If one person can't go somewhere or do something, no one can.
The Chinese plague vaccination programme is allowing deaths from other causes to catch up and take their rightful place in official statistics.
Woeful Hack Outfit
Too lenient by half
He told us so
Q: Why did the Archbish of Cantab step up and grot all over Maz's phantom wedding 3 daze before the real event?
Q: If hereditary peers are undemocratic, why do we have to put up with the dregs of politics and the cronies of ditched leaders in the House of Frauds?
Xperts? Major fail!
Anglers are going to have to do some serious weight training if they hope to land fish which have grown to ginormous proportions @ fishing reservations during their locko furlough.
“The trial of the cop who is facing 3 murder charges w.r.t. G. Floyd is a complete waste of time. The prisoner in the dock has been fired by his PD and the city of Minneapolis has paid $27 million to the Floyd family. How prejudicial can you get?” Vigor Vitas
Shock, horror! Some political wasbeen has come up with a Bile Bucket About Boris.
The Kerching! community is greeting with dismay, the news that there has never been an outbreak of the Chinese plague associated with crowds gathering on a beach anywhere in the world. Which makes the FPN [see above] fine potential zero.
Democracy in action60% of boozers are happy to put up with vaccine certificates if it means they can go darn the pub. Another boot in the teeth for the Stet Devretners.
“You have to wonder about the competence of the people running things on the other side of the Channel. Whilst doing their best to stop supplies of the Oxford vaccine getting to the UK, they're banning its use in the EFU zone.” Π Rate
“Ripping away the institutional rachelism alibi is tearing a secruity blanket out of the fingers of everyone who wants to feel entitled. Are we bovvered? Naaa!” Add Mitta
We might have had this before but it bears repeatingWhere do all the virgins come from and what does the hero do after consuming his quota?
“After seeing a picture of a bunch of coppers doing the Knee of Shame, I started wondering if their enormous equipment belt now includes a handy little brush for the knee which was in contact with the nasty, filthy ground. No doubt some chief constabule's lucky best mate got the supply contract for them.” Bear Norby
The Xperts reckon that scriptrotters will become Xtinct in the Fine Future, which will belong to computer programs and a library of 30,000 gimmicks and story lines for the computer to mix and match in original ways.
The Council done it, it don’t have to make sense
Labour's Shadow Chancellor is reported to have a severe case of the hump because Tory government ministers took no notice of Dave the ex-Leader's lobbying on behalf of the gone bust Greenhill company; to the taxpayer's relief; and deprived her of a megawhinge.
Virus Victim? Virus Vanquisher?
Bournemouth council has been nominated for a 2021 Confecter Award for not emptying litter bins and using a drone to spot victims who can be fined for not using an overflowed litter bin.
Q: Why is the phrase 'Dundee United' used as an insult in Africa?
New rule for the Untied States: Every American traditional phrase or saying; e.g. pork barrel politics; has to have a confected slavery connection.
Do You know the facts about fake honey?
Initials to know No. 1,525: MBE
Things To Come
Nicola Splurgeon is stealing England’s future
Goldmine Sachs and JeeP Morgan make a bog of the valuation of a much-hyped company which is joining the stock market. After being sold at the Xperts' price, the shares plunge 30% when trading starts. But that's just mispriceing and as unimportant as misspeaking by a politician.
Want to keep the Creeping Covids out?
“Participating in your local community is a privilege, not an absolute right, and dependent on your good conduct. If you are likely to spread a plague in that community by not being vaccinated; or do it to the Cup Final crowd; Xcluding you is not discrimination, it is sound good sense. So yah-boo sucks to Swami Chuckabutty and her ilk.” J. Binglebush
What's the latest scam for solving all The World's problems?
Q: What's a good way to sleaze the bloke whose report grotted all over the institutional rachelism industry and its lazy generalizations?
Don't plan on going to the gym tomorrow, the Xperts are telling us, coz your stoopid body will scoff extra grub today and you won't lose any weight.
The WHO has blasted the EFU's vaccination programme as unacceptably slow. The EFU will continue to lumber on @ its pathetic pace regardless.
“A headmaster who banned history @ his school because only white kings & queens of Britain are on offer, and hauled down the Union Flag, deserves to be tarred & feathered on every schoolday and every weekend during school holidays.” Glint East
“The impression I got from a brief dip into the shock-horror Duncan political memoirs is that he (or a ghost writer) has done a megawhinge about everyone he was rude to and who subsequently refused to have anything to do with him. And he baled out of politics a year and a bit ago because he got fed up of being treated like the Invisible Man.” Weakly Rageous
Hitting the buffers in your 40s & 50s?
“I have just read that the French author E. Zola would have us believe that a novelist is nothing more than a court clerk, who records what he has seen. What total & utter bollux and a silly denial of the existence of imagination. And wot about science fiction? When did Arthur C. Clarke ever visit Titan?” M.K.
“We are being invited to believe that the US government at the turn of the century had explosives stashed in the upper floors of the World Trade Centre in New York.
Q: How do you pretend that a remake of King Kong vs Godzilla is a new film?
Towed into a hole
“What we need is some revitalization. so let's ditch all this BS about roadmaps and substitute the metaphore of creating a footpath through a wilderness. Because that's what all the following the science and being nudged or shoved by pressure groups amounts to.” Jake Gurn
TV Listing typo: ITV4, 5:55, Monster Crap
The main problem with the members of the government's all-ethnic rachel disparity commission seems to be that every single one of the people picked is a W.T.E., and they have upset the HUTAgonian V.C.E. Crowd mightily.
Initials to know No. 1,526: WTE
Initials to know No. 1,527: VCE
Sir Kreepy Steamer has been informed that the voters will continue to have the hump with the Labour party until he does a grovelling apology to the nation for O.J. Corbynstein and his own cosying up to O.J.
Things To Avoid: Fat Dunk
Despite gorbal warming, there are records being set all over Europe for the lowest ever night-time temperature @ this time of year, especially in the Balkans.
Dave the ex-Leader looks likely to be instrumental in triggering legislation to control lobbying and end abuses & cronyism, which really Xploded when New Labour was in charge.
The weird vocalist Cher (74) is in trouble for claiming that everything could have been okay for G. Floyd if she had been there when he was arrested for passing a dud $20 bill. Which is sparking a new industry.
FakeBuk and its subsidiaries are quite happy to let suicide clubs of teenage girls flourish on their platforms as nothing they do breaks the infinitely flexible rules.
“I was amused to read that Scary Carrie is getting the blame for all the animal escapes from the zoo that belongs to the charity which employs her.
Who will win the End of Lock-in Showdown? It's pretty much level pegging between the Libertarians, who want 'anything goes' & the Clampers, who want people to be able to prove they're not spreading the Chinese plague before they are allowed to leave their isolation bunker.
+ + + Duke of Edinburgh expires 2 months short of 100th birthday + + + Speculation & obituary industries go into overdrive + + + One of a kind + + + Plague restrictions will make funeral a family affair + + +
Things To Kno:
Supermarkets are in competition for free publicity from their substitutes for items ordered online but not available.
FREE LONDON with every 5 gallons
“Has Professor of anti-non-black propaganda Doktor Gopal of Cambridge U. shot herself in the foot by reminding everyone that Narzi propagandist J. Goebbels had a doctorate, just like her? Or has she just managed to tar herself with the drippings from the brush she was using on white people?” Rachel Wrath
A haircut too far!
The EFU is allegedly investigating claims that the Russian Sputnik vaccine for the Chinese plague was tested on customers who were forced to join in.
You have to be tough to be vaccinated around here!
Sir Kreepy Steamer is back to playing politics. Anything that the government does (or doesn't do) with respect to vaccine passports, he will be agin it.
The teaching unions are demanding that their members should not have to leave home, should not have to have anything to do with 'orrible kids and should receive an instant 37% pay rise.
Edinburgh council is up for a stoopidity award after putting a cycle lane between a parking lane for cars and the pavement.
Brides of Daesh of all nationalities are 'doing a Begun' and dressing normally in an attempt to persuade Western politicians that they are no longer a threat to life & limb.
Prostitutes in Brazil are on strike for a week for not being treated as priority workers and entitled to a shot of plague vaccine.
Initials to know No. 1,528: PWFB
Initials to know No. 1,529: GFR
The Salmonella Alba party is predicted to win zero seats in the Scittish Parliament elections but the pollsters think it will hoover up enough votes to deprive Wee Burney of a majority and leave her still having to suck up to the Greens.
The herd will achieve immunity on the second Monday of this month (74% of the customers protected), some of the Xperts reckon.
Modern rhyming slang: ToAnd
The Xperts are in a race to be the first to find something possibly/maybe/might be wrong with the US Moderna plague vaccine, which is now available in the UK.
Q: How do you succeed as a bank robber?
The travel industry has the hump with President Boris big-time for not allowing it to move plague spreaders around the world to wherever they'll pay to go.
Swallowing the science
This Week's Pathetic Bit of Censorship:
Q: What's a good way for a former colleague turned enemy to wind up President MacRon?
One of the teaching unions is demanding that black history and slavery connections be confected into all lessons, including cookery, mathematics and woodwork.
There's a really doomy Xpert in Germany who is forecasting that locko might end up a permanent condition there as the Chinese plague infection rate soars!
Despite gorbal warming, the French wine industry is declaring itself to be a disaster area after searing spring frosts destroyed vineyards. Luckily, quality wines are available from lots of other countries.
Good news for sunbathers in Spain, the commandment that face masks must be worn on beaches has been cancelled.
One positive outcome of all that chat about vaccine passports is that it has spurred rachel minorities into accepting a shot of the white man's medicine in order not to be left out of things even more than usual.
Q: Why does it say USELESS on a packet of the new, improved Persil?
Novichok didn't get the job done so Putin the Poisoner's minions have given Kreml critic A. Navalny a dose of tuberculosis instead.
One-way street or seals are people, too
Rich people are being encouraged to pay more council tax as a voluntary gesture like the ones made by people living in the area serviced by Wesminster council.
President Gopher Joe has appointed a commission to work out how to sneak more Democrap-supporting judges into the US Supreme Court.
Labour has come down against vaccine passports because the party doesn't think its donors will get any of the contracts which will go to the private sector if the passports are ruled vital to opening up sporting and dramatic events.
Q: How do local council officers end up being paid (not earning) a quarter of a million quid per annum or more?
Communality cancelled, individuality rulz
A. Salmonella is in Putin the Poisoner's pocket and never off his propaganda TV channel Russia Today, which means Putinstan comes first & Scotland second on his list of priorities. Or, more probably, a distant third behind the interests of Gospodin Salmonella.
for particle physicists. Recent results from both sides of the Atlantic confirm that they haven't discovered everything there is to kno about The Universe.
The latest demand from the teaching unions is that toxic examinations should be abolished and customers @ schools should be rated according to how much their parents bung to the unions.
“Maybe the obsessions of successive London mayors can be combined to the betterment of humanity. Everyone who wants to take advantage of Sadgeek Khan's obsession with decriminalizing cannabis should be allowed to join in only on a Boris Bike along the edge of a steep cliff.” Gury Raker
Q: How do you get petrol bombs flying again in Belfast?
Being locked in 'coz of the Chinese plague has made fragile relationships more likely to break down, the Xperts reckon. Not an unexpected result but what are the Xperts going to do with it that saves humanity from going Xtinct?
Q: How do you turn a £7 million conference centre into a £100 million nightmare?
The world's highest concentration of Chelsea tractors is in . . . Chelsea! This is expected to remain true as the larger size of an SUV offers more battery space and a greater range between recharges than is available to smaller electric personnel transporters.
The Doom Mongers are getting their 'I told you so' in place in case Boris relaxes locko too quickly and there's a third one thanks to unchecked plague hotspots. Cheerful bunch of buggers, ain't they?
“Sir Kreepy Steamer is yelling that he's completely different from President Boris in every way, shape and form. What a clot he is if he doesn't think we've noticed that.” Mustafa Riddle
Big problem for inhabitants of the Caribbean island St. Vincenttheir resident volcano, La Soufriere, is popping off but they are not allowed to be evacuated on cruise ships, their prime monster has decided, if they've not been vaccinated against the Chinese plague.
Italians who are hoping to get a shot of plague vaccine are discovering this is not possible unless they are a friend of the Mafia, which is commandeering supplies intended for the elderly to give to pals and clients.
Shopkeepers in Naples are in trouble for waving only female underwear during their street protests about the effect all the lockdowns; or should that be locksdown?; have had on their businesses. The lack of garment diversity has upset whole gangs of Those People.
Germans, who are having to contend with a third wave of the Chinese plague, think they have been locked down and they can't understand why alleged medical Xperts & politicians are talking about the need for a lockdown.
Gulp! Having done the deadly blood clot condemnation on the AstraZeneca Oxford vaccine, the French are about to do the same to the Johnson & Johnson single-dose product.
No chance of getting a grip, of course
The Chinese regime has Kerching!ed £2,400,000,000 (4% of 2019 sales) from tech shark Alibaba [me neither, Ed.] as a penalty for its anti-competitive practices.
Assurance Process needed
After threatening a tariff war with the UK when President Boris announced plans to tax US tech giants, President Gopher Joe has pinched the idea as his personal brilliant new policy.
Q: What is a really pathetic way to sleaze G. Maxwell, who is currently imprisoned in New York's lethal detention centre?
Vanity 1, Pomposity 2
Incomplete conspiracy theory
to Dr. Little John of the Daily Mail for revealing that the popular cold remedy Lemsip could cause the potentially lethal blood clots which are being blamed by foreign countries on the Oxford Chinese plague vaccine.
Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.