6 months' rain in 10 minutes. Can anyone beat that?

Q: What's a good reason for getting your full frontal nude scene cut from a film?
A: People laughing 'inappropriately' during test screenings, filmist K. Cosner reckons.

“How much did it rain on Tuesday/Wednesday night of the week just gone? Enuff to leave a puddle a couple of inches deep in my black rubbish bin, which must have had the lid down all night long because it wasn't open on Wednesday morning.” Tre'Davious

Something well worth repeating
Let us not forget that the British Empire spread civilization around the world and its foreign critics would still be living in shacks in the woods if our ancestors had stayed at home instead of enlightening them.
   No pocket phones, no internet, no bogus asylum claims, no one taking the slightest notice of their ranting, no nuffink. As for the condemnation customers in Britain—traitors is as traitors does.

Judicial pragmatism
“Lord Sumption, the retired judge, appears to be in favour of the Swedish model of dealing with the Chinese plague. No lockdown and let those who are susceptible croak. How very communist of him.” Nott Camel

Q: How many carrots do you have to eat to turn orange?
A: 832 in under 2 hours.

Breaking News
+ + + President Gopher Joe signs Xecutive Order making Chinese plague illegal + + + Believed to intend to make having had plague criminally offensive as way of shoving ex-Pres. Trump in gaol + + + President of Putinstan pleased by this endorsement of his own method of dealing with political opponents + + + Offers some helpful hints + + + Joint training program for FKPD** & FIA on the way?
** Federalniy Kommisariyat Putinikh Dyel' = Federal Commission of Putinic Affairs
[In case anyone was wondering, the FIA is a collection of (forcibly) retired & sacked law enforcement agency senior staff, who can be relied on to fit up anyone on whom the pariah lefties in the Untied States have a down. Ed.]

Customers are advised to buy shares in the firms which manufacture oximeters—gadgets which measure the oxygen content of a live patient's blood—as the NHS would like everyone to have one.

“Don’t let the closing door hit your ass!”
Discarded prime monster T.B. Liar is severely worried by all the talk of a wealth tax and the likely impact on his ill-gotten gains from advising dictators and other BGs. The rest of us are wondering whether it would be worth having our pockets picked if it drives Mr. Liar out of the country to a tax haven.

Q: If a death on the hard shoulder of a 'smart' motorway is unlawful killing, according to the coroner @ an inquest, who goes to gaol for corporate manslaughter?
A: Government scheme, so no one to blame.

Ways and means
There's a rumour going around that the current US president doesn't actually sign all of his shower of Xecutive Orders himself. He is said to use an AutoGrafer™ for most of his petty efforts to wipe out everything that was anything to do with President Trump.
   This gadget uses a pen to draw a fair copy of a signature, and it can be programmed to introduce minor variations so that all of its efforts don't look the same.
   Thus Gopher Joe signs a couple of Orders for the TV cameras, then he slopes off for a nap whilst his minions feed the rest through the AutoGrafer™.

Q: How does a new coal mine in Cumbria help the climate crisis?
A: It will have zero impact on the climate, so no crisis multiplication or confection.

WEEK 4

 
Rescinded prime monster T. May, in a rant @ President Boris, demanded that Britain should lead internationally and British taxpayers should subsidize the rest of the world.
   Why?
   It's the 21st century and British enlighteners have been trying to civilize the rest of the world for centuries. If they haven't got it by now, sod 'em. We've done our bit.

The number of people who have had an armful of the plague vaccine is approaching the total number of people who have had a dose of the plague itself, a condition which is supposed to provide effective protection for at least 5 months without a second shot.

You have to be really desperate for some fake news if you have to pretend that President Trump was on the phone to Vlad the Putin during the Capitol Caper to co-ordinate the efforts of the tourists, as Hilarious Clinton & Nasti Pelosi would have us believe.
   Of course, they do have the problem of deflecting attention from the fact that their leader is a 2nd US civil war draft dodger and the oldest president in the history of the universe. And he's had his hand in the taxpayer's pocket for most of his life.

Length is all that counts when you're talking about life & life expectancy, sez Lord Sumption. What you do with it is irrelevant. Which means that Pres. Bidet's is worth about 2 cents.

“Come to think of it, the Capitol Caper, which was all over by teatime, is pretty much on a par with the storming of the Bastille, which had been reduced to a place of no importance when it happened and was just ramped up for propaganda purposes.” L.G.R.

France is enjoying a shopping boom as people from Switzerland surge across the border to stock up on alleged non-essentials, which they are not allowed to buy in their own country any more.
   Members of the Swiss army, meanwhile, are having to train at home with a sergeant major bellowing at them from a computer screen.

Making a total bog of dealing with the Chinese plague has left Welsh Labour at a world record low in the opinion polls.

Is your life worth more than fifteen quid?
The Swami™ SMART plague mask will KILL all variants of the Chinese Plague STONE DEAD. GUARANTEED!!!
Viricidal and also fungicidal too!
Romiley Medical Supplies, 31 Riverside Drive

If 72% of black Britons claim they are unlikely or no way likely to seek a shot of the vaccine for the Chinese plague, does that indicate institutional rachelism, as the SAGE wonks would have us believe, or just the presence of some sort of death wish cult?

If you plan to buy something big online, do it now before the teenage chancellor slaps a web tax on it.

Italy is claiming the world record after giving a 108-year-old a shot of plague vaccine. Spain is claiming ultra-victim status after getting a bit of snow recently—with the threat of record floods to come. Sweden, meanwhile, is going after a world record for the weirdest ways to extract plague related fines from the customers.

The snow didn't work and Weather Control is hoping to keep its customers indoors with deluges of rain now.

“Those gits in Weather Control couldn't resist playing with their snow machine. Ta, for that.” R.W.
“I bet the Plague Wardens have drones up, looking for footprints in the snow to see if they can Kerching! anyone.” Twatter Bleater
“They'll have to be quick. I went out for a paper and some shopping. 20 minutes tops. And when I got back, the leaving footsteps had been o'bliterated by fresh snow.” Bjorn Stabul
“My cat insisted on going out, ran to the end ot the garden, turned round and ran straight back in again. Not a good day to be out & about. Which probably has the SAGE crew smirking.” Jéan Pagé

Start with a broken promise
There is great disappointment around the world following the accession of the 46th president of the Untied States. The controlling Democrap party promised countrywide rioting & revolution on January 20th.
   Didn't happen.
   Disappointed TV news outlets, which had deployed staff in all 50 of the Untied States, are concluding that everyone stayed at home to watch the mayhem on TV and as a result, no one went out to cause any.
   An attempt to persuade US Special Forces troops to dress up as rednecks and stage a mock battle with the National Guard in Washington DC foundered on the question of bonus payments to the actors and the reputational damage that would be caused when the sham was exposed, as it was bound to be.

The European Court of 'Uman Bluddy Rights has the hump with the court system in Geneva, where a Romanian woman was busted for begging, which is illegal in Switzerland, and locked up when she couldn't pay. One rule for the natives, another for Yuropeons, apparently.

Storm Camela offered the UK disastrous floods or a foot of snow. Some bloody choice!
Some lucky people got some of each. The River Rom remained under control and there was no serious flooding in Romiley, although Romiley Park did acquire a bit of a lake @ the Sandy Lane side. Just like the old times of a dozen years ago.

Free freak show
What a great time the nation's arm fetishists are having with all the TV images of bare arms with needles plunging in to them!

Out by 100%? So what?
Predictably, the Office for National Sadistics got one of its guesses for the size of the economic hole due to the Chinese plague dead wrong. The ONS said a 5% shrinkage. The actual figure was 2.8%.

Some TV wonk has complained about people mooching instead of doing a brisk stroll when out & about. Let us hope that anyone who spots her outdoors has the youth & agility to do a John Cleese silly walk nearby as a gesture of contempt.

The grapes of powerlessness
When considering TheRazor May's TOP** rant @ Boris, we should remember that he's the prime monster and she ain't, he delivered Brexit and she didn't, and he won an election with a big majority but she lost her majority when she called an election.
[** Toys Out of Pram Ed.]

Locko is causing a world shortage of marmalade as people shirking @ home are finding they have time for breakfast now that they no longer need to spend time commuting.

“All in” is a sick joke
If we're all in it together, property taxes should be abolished and replaced by a tax that everyone has to pay. But that would be much too fair for the Labour party to swallow as it would mean their members would have to put their hands in their pockets.

Self-interest rulz
Sir Kreepy Steamer, who lives in Camden, London, wants April's Council Tax rises to be blocked. Why? 'Coz Camden council (Labour) is going to shove the C Tax up by 5%. The Kreeps!

Q: I keep walking into things; what can I do?
A: Stop moving around.

WEEK 1

 
Q: Will the new year be any better than the one just gone?
A: We still have the Chinese plague, we still have Sir Kreepy and we're getting Sleepy Joe in a week or three.
S:** So that's a no.
[** Statement Ed.]

This week's plague acronym cum slogan: LUNPA**
[** Let Us Not Piss About Ed.]

Selective Greeting
A ski resort in Switzerland has amended its "Welcome to Verbier" sign with the addition of "Unless You Are Britisch". The new strain of the Chinese plague, which was detected in Britain first only because our nerds are doing variety checks, has got the Swiss really spooked. Even though it is all over the place.

The London Ambulance Service has been taking 8,000,999 calls per day instead of the routine 5,600 calls per day.
[I think there's a gash comma in there somewhere. Ed.]

“If people with the Bumper version of the plague say they can smell burning all the time and describe it as being 'like toast', that doesn't say much for their toast-making skills."” G'lass Nost,

Nothing changes
Local councils are cutting budgets for essential services like road gritting and care of the elderly & children in order to continue to spend on the usual trivia such as climate change impact confections & carbon reduction scams.

A new shop is opening in Romiley's central Precinct, replacing the photographic business which gave up. Another barbershop to go with the half dozen or so already not trading due to plague restrictions. Wonderful business plan.

Bad news for Tesco shareholders
The Boris deal with the EbloodyU has deprived the supermarket chain of an excuse to shove prices up and up.

“President Boris seems to be offering us turbocharged lockdown. Good luck with getting anything worthwhile out of that.” Tue Nitin,

Bound to be a hell of a lot more in reality
The quango which hands out legal aid to the unworthy has self-guestimated that it wasted £20 MILLION of taxpayers' cash in the last financial year. No members of the Legal Aid Authority, however, have been sacked, demoted or reduced in pay grade.

Naked Self-Interest
The priest in charge of a church @ Whitby has upset the local tourism industry by handing out leaflets rubbishing the vital Dracula Connection and plugging St. Hilda instead.

Q: How can you be classed as black even if you have no ancestral connection with Africa and you don't want to be put in this category?
A: Be a member of the National Education Union, which wants schools to be kept closed and unoccupied members to be kept on full pay, and which makes blackness a compulsory choice on political grounds.

Rank dishonesty in politics
An independent nation @ the heart of the EbloodyU?
Or a small client country on the fringes living off the charity of Germans and Hollanders?
Guess which the SNP is touting in Scotland.

Someone needs to mention to the honcho of NHS England that the eye of a storm is not a bad place to be.

The teaching unions and their Labour party cronies are being accused of trying to embed a new epidemic of education poverty.

National polls have revealed that the number of likely plague vaccine refusers is just 8%. Which means that rounding them up and isolating them in a tent encampment surrounded by armed guards on Dartmoor is still a practical proposition.

Q: How much extra time off do you get if you have to work one lousy day extra, which may be WFH?
A: If you're an MP, a week off.

Q: What do you get if you vote to leave the EbloodyU?
A: Burrocraps trough-scoffing for 1,600 and some days.
[1,652 Ed.]
“And 48 years of free lunches for burrocraps.” Per Sonal

The talk of the latest plague update affecting children in particular is based on guesswork by Professor Legover. Most Xperts are waiting for reliable data before chipping in with their threepennorth.

28% of the population are such pessimists that they are convinced that 2021 will be a lot worser than 2020.

The Swiss quarantine requirement for British visitors has been Xposed as a cynical scam. It was just unreasonable rules imposed for the sole purpose of generating fines.
“Anyone would think they think they're the EbloodyU.” R.W.

China is set to make bumper profits from selling an antidote to the plague which it inflicted on the world.

Selective Intolerance
A bloke who says he's a woman, or a woman who claims she's a bloke, cannot be accused of pretending under wonk rules. But a woman who was born in Boston and identifies as Spanish is trolled mercilessly for pretending. Spit the bones out of that.

An escaped convict, who tried to run to France through the Channel Tunnel, is being held in custody pending a sanity evaluation. He was busted toward the French end of the tunnel and held under a charge of endangering the trains, which blast through the Chunnel @ 99 mph.

The Spanish government is upsetting their people who work in Gibraltar by more of its tedious sabre-rattling and messing about @ the border.

“. . . as they say, not as they do . . .”
EC President U.v.d. Leyen has been showing off a MASSIVE carbon footprint thanks to all the jetting around she does instead of taking trains. Natch, her flights of fancy have all been to promote various greenwash global warming swindles.
   The Planet sez: "Ta, for that."
“She sez she's being green but we kno she's just leyen her head orf.” Gasp O'ket

What could go around
The Chinese government gave the good citizens of Wuhan 'gratitude training' to make them appreciate their ruthless lockdown. No doubt Professor Legover and the rest of President Boris' League of Doom are hoping the same will happen here and they start collecting knighthoods at the very least as a result.
“The world can only wait in fear and trembling for the next release from a secret Chinese laboratory with either in inability to work safely or orders from the bankers in Beijing. No surprise that rhymes with Kerching!” Phung Sway

The Scene: Weather Control
The Day: First Saturday in January
Wonk1: "Right, we're in a new year. What do we do?"
Wonk 2: "Give the buggers some snow and show them who's the boss."
Wonk 1: "Give the wimps who moan about Xtreme weather something to whinge about?"
Wonk 2: "Xactly. It's our public duty."

Mr.Sheen has handed in his OBE.
Q: Who he?
A: Isn't he something to do with polish?

The Xperts have decided that old people need to drink at least 5 cups of tea (preferably around 12) per day as it will boost their brainpower. And having to keep rushing to the toilet to shed the Xtra liquid will do wonders for their physical fitness.

+ + + Revolting doctors refuse to buy vaccine policy + + +

CS-100 Nasal Congestion Relief
You pick the dose to load into the handy applicator
Left or right nostril—your choice always
Relieves drips & bungedupness & all winter ills
Romiley Medical Supplies, 31 Riverside Drive

“My wife calls our gadgets Conk Squirters. And they work, too!” Bear Llirgs

“Do those ***king wonks in the NHS PR department really expect us to keep all the windows wide open when we're @ home? If so, we're entitled to sue their arses off if we start losing fingers, toes & noses to frostbite. Bet the ***kers don't do it themselves.” Dmitri Krill

Pruning scenario
Do we need new peers in the House of Frauds? Yes, we need some new members with good sense and sound judgement. We also need to saw off dead wood to reduce the size of the Upper House to 375 members.
“Bonfire of the inanities time.” Anne Apolis

The German firm BioNTech is hoping to make a mint out of brewing up lotz and lotz of its Chinese plague vaccine and filling in the glaring gaps left by current non-approval of rival products made by less enterprising competitors.

“Are we allowed to breathe here in Tier 6 or whatever? Or have we been banned from exhaling on plague transmission prevention grounds?” Sur Jen Ma

“When you think about it, Wee Burney Sturgeon is out of the same box as The Donald. The UK (of which Scotland remains a member) voted to get out of the EbloodyU but she can't accept that. The people of Scotland voted against leaving the UK despite her agitations (or was it to spite her?) but she can't accept that either.” Lulu Purdue
“She wants to do things the EbloodyU way—make the idiots keep on voting until they get it right. The old Democracy, Schemocracy thing.” Al Chino

“How strange that we had Brexit going round in circles until the French whizz-kid EbloodyU negotions bloke, Bollocks to Barnier, was shunted aside by his German boss. How much did a year's worth of free lunches cost us?” Amin Presst

President MacRon of France has promised that there will be no 'unjustifiable delays' in arranging plague vaccinations for his customers. Translation: The usual suspects will get them first and the usual obstructionism will keep the peasants at the back of the queue.

Heavy goods vehicles are flooding through the Channel Tunnel now that the French have put an end to their gratuitous obstructionism. The Chunnel operators seem to be quite optimistic that there won't be a permanent bottleneck due to Brexit.
   The Britisch boycott of everything French, except for Crême de Cassis, continues.

The Spanish government has been shamed into ending its border obstructions at Gibraltar. Spanish citizens who work there have let their government know in no uncertain terms that they will not appreciate being messed about. An outbreak of a Spanish version of the French Yellow Vest Pests seems to have been averted.

100 shots of the plague vaccine administered in America in the first hundred million days of his reign (or something like that), president-elect Sleepy Joe is promising.

A big casualty of locko has been sales of bottled water. People have found that the stuff which comes out of their taps is really quite drinkable. Won't last, of course. Once people start going out again, they'll lose all sense of judgement.

New migrants entering Britain from the EbloodyU will not be able to claim benefits here until 2026, which gives us a bit of a break.

The EbloodyU's nightmare has become reality. Countries like Switzerland are using our Brexit deal as a starting point for future negotions on trade with the dead hand of Eurocrazy. And they are specifying that Bollocks to Barnier does not come within 200 miles of the meetings.

Value is relative
Britain has given the world a universal language, which allows foreigners to slag one another off in English and be understood. What has China given the world? Silk and a lethal, life-destroying plague.
“That's pretty Fu Manchu, brewing up a plague, spreading it around and then Xpecting people to be grateful for a shot of your antidote.” Bay Cananeg,

The Chunnel runner has been identified as a paedophile from Blackpool & Manchester, whose neighbours used to call him Dracula because he went out only @ night. Something which being sent to gaol put a severe cramp upon.

Con-job, no one to blame, natch
What the NHS wonks are still not admitting is that the Nightingale plague hospitals were all about PR and waste of taxpayers' cash as they had no hope of operating @ the advised capacity. The NHS knew that it had insufficient staff for them before they were assembled. This still remains true.

Not even a fair trial and a fair hanging
Russia has ordered the opposition politician A. Navalny to fly back to Moscow from his place of refuge in a German hospital so that Putin the Poisoner can have another go at him.
   Putinstan's Federalniy Otdyel Naushcheniya** is currently in the process of fitting up Gospodin Navalny on charges of stealing donations to his opposition political party to buy personal possessions.
   Curiously, the Russian FON is not trying to work out how Vlad the Impossible managed to afford a $175 MILLION palace on the outskirts of Moscow when his official salary is just 4,200 rubles/month.
[** Federal Bureau of Instigation Ed.]
“Pantalones de puta!” ** Perry Stroika
[** see Prey by Jon A. Gored. Ed.]

Q: Which is better, German stolen cake or Britisch Xmas Pud?
A: Even Germans choose The Pud.

Why does Britain need to build 5 million new homes to accommodate the number of migrants Xpected to arrive between now and the end of 2040? Don't build the houses and you don't encourage even more migrants to overcrowd us.

F.O. wonks thought a book by the Russian spy K. Philby would undermine the government of Harold bloody Wilson. Until it was pointed out to the wonks that H.b.W. had done such a good job of destroying his own credibility that half a dozen books by enemy agents would make no difference at all.

Scotland is being threatened with another Beast from the East and the frozen conditions which obtained in February and March of 2018. So much for gorbal bloody warming.

Something else that Scotland is besieged by is rats. Thanks to SNP policies, the rat population north of the border soared from 12 million to 15 million last year. Nae doot the Scots are telling Wee Burney, "Ta, for that."

Wee Burney Sturgeon has been forced to admit that her claim that a million Scots would get a shot of plague vaccine this month was just empty posturing.

“It really is 'Up Yours, Delors!' @ long last. Shame it's 30 years late.” Milly Sherbet

Sherri Scouse, our Society Xpert, reports:
The chica from Boston who is being trolled to bitz for identifing as Spanish is married to a liberal wonk of an actor person with a Donald Trump obsession. Thus the online derision piled upon his missus (and also him) is being seen as routine 'goes around'. Of which plenty is owed.

The Japanese are hoping to start deploying satellites made out of wood in Earth orbit from 2023 on in order to reduce contamination of the upper atmosphere with metallic particles.
“Which can reflect sunlight away from The Planet and cause global cooling and put millions of swindlers out of a job?” Emchon Gosh

20% of the people polled claim they are going to give up booze for January. And another 20% say they'll have alcohol-free days. Nice to kno we're surrounded by so many lyin' bastards!

Q: The government is banning BOGOF in an attempt to look virtuous—what's the answer to that?
A: Penny sales—Buy One Get One For A Penny or BOGOFAP.
“Bogofap sounds perilously close to an App for ordering Bogof stuff on your phone.” Clive-Clare Laty

Police officers everywhere are on overtime as their bosses strive to rake in the maximum revenue from fines for plague rule violations, real & imagined.

Q: E pluribus unum—what does that mean?
A: It's Latin and the motto of Putinstan. Roughly translated, it means "Xtract from the many (i.e. the customers) to benefit the One Who Counts (i.e. the bloke who's made himself president for life).

“When will our pubs open again? Not until we start dangling some of the government's so-called scientists from lamp posts to encourage the others to connect with reality. Oh, for a jaunt to the Locko & Lamprey or the Fish Finger and Face Mask gastropub.” Rake U. Vic

Being assertive
The Royal Navy is testing marine drones armed with missiles for operations in the Channel against smugglers and other bad guys, including the shipping of enemy nations such as Putinstan & France.

“Lord Kerslake, discarded civil service honcho, GUARANTEED there would be riots in the streets. When are they going to happen? Can't wait!” Mar Kenry

Q: Does the world need a Japanese robot which can prance like J.T. Revolta did in the film Saturday Night Fever?
A: Nope.

Tolchocking of Burrocraps Required
The two dozen competence certificates required by retired NHS staff who return to administer shots of the plague virus include ones for training in counter-terrorism & rachel bias, punch-up defusing and fire safety.
   Whoever included all that, and the other irrelevant stuff, in the package; and left knowing how to do an injection safely right at the back of the queue; should be run over by 6 steam rollers.
“What you have to keep reminding yourself is that the NHS has a Soviet-style burrocrazy, which thinks the organization is there entirely for their benefit and its success depends on putting the maximum number of pointless pieces of paper into circulation.” Carla Moats

Global warming fraudsters are campaigning for signs to be attached to petrol pumps claiming that internal combustion engines are destroying The Planet and the 'uman race.
   They, of course, will not be paying for the signs.

Q: Is there any hope of rehabilitating A. Salmonella, former SNP leader?
A: All the perfumes of Araby, etc.

The Amazon jungle will be tamed by September 4th, 2064. It will be suitable for farmland and residential & industrial occupation by then, climate Xperts have claimed.

Boris-5 is really taking off. Don’t be left behind!

Any old Xcuse
Teaching unions are demanding that schools remain closed until the end of March to allow members who go abroad on skiing holidays to observe quarantine periods 1. before they leave, 2. in their resort of choice and 3. after they return.

The SNP has the hump because they don't think enough of their cannon fodder are getting peerages.

The Romiley Consumer Forum has declared that it will be making every positive & conscious effort to boycott everything Chinese in 2021, takeaways included.

“What is the point of Sir Kreepy if the wearer of the Pantz of Kontrol is busting a gut to get a national locko declared forthwith only because President Boris hasn't done it and if Boris does lock everyone down, Kreepy will be busting another gut to get us unlocked.” Watson Throws

Q: How do you avoid Xtradition to face multiple charges of espionage & criminal conduct?
A: Persuade a judge to believe that you might, maybe, possibly become a suicidal nutter in a foreign gaol.

Q: This 'Box Set' vaccine—what's that all about?
A: The words ears, cloth & Oxford spring to mind.

Either supplies of everything will dry up and supermarket shelves will become empty or everything will be okay. One or the other.

Falling over in amazement is off the table
The BBC has been obliged to admit that its Chief Tory Basher, Emilia Frightful, broke every impartiality rule in the book when she took an Xtended pop @ Desperate Dom.
   A line has been drawn and Mx Frightful will be allowed to get away with it. And also with her hysterics about President Boris.

“Hell, no!” @ the Capitol
Only in a liberal (in the non-American, non-perjorative sense) democracy could this have happened. In a communist country like China or Russia, the tanks and helicopter gunships would have been out and the resultant death toll would have made the Tiananmen Square massacre look like a routine gang-banger drive-by.
   One woman shot dead by the police, three people dead of 'medical emergencies'. It's a tribute to the restraint of the security forces in Washington that there were so many guns deployed but not used.
   It's not something that could have happened here because no one feels such strong support for any of our politicians; not even Oh, Jeremy. As for Sleepy Joe and Mx Harrisment, they are now on notice that there are lots of people watching them and waiting for them to step out of line. Or even daring them to cross the line.

Q: How do you upset the teaching unions?
A: Make their members go back to work for one day to remind them what it's like before they get to stay at home for a couple of months.

The BBC's locko acronym
SESNNP
[Almost as self-explanatory as one of Wee Burney's. Ed.]
[You don't get it? Really? Stay home, Exercise outdoors once, Schools closed, No household mixing, No non-essential shopping & leisure, Pubs & restaurants takeaway only. Ed.]

Q: How do you get away with double murder in India?
A: Park yourself in England and claim that being sent to gaol for life would abuse your 'uman bluddy rights.

Hand Salvation 21
Soap & alcohol drink up essential oils, leaving dry,
cracked skin vulnerable to viruses
Protect yourself with this non-greasy moisturizer from:
Romiley Medical Supplies, 31 Riverside Drive

National disgrace
President MacRon is still fuming @ the failure of French border staff to mark Brexit by causing the Mother of All Traffic Jams @ French ports. The French tourism industry is enraging him further by encouraging the Britisch to bring cash to France and spend it there.

Foreign fishing boats will no longer be able to use tasers on bottom-dwelling species of fish, e.g. sole, in UK waters. Protection of the marine environment at @ the back of it.

There is enuff plague vaccine in the UK for our immediate needs but there are lotz of other ways to slow down or sabotage the national immunization programme.

Moronica
Various vaccines, which cost taxpayers over £10 million, were wasted last year due to NHS staff in England not putting them in a fridge, leaving fridge doors open or switching fridges off. Which doesn't give us much confidence for the campaign to come against the Chinese plague.

Professor Gloom-Whilty is cheering us up with promises that vaccine shortages will sabotage the anti-plague vaccination campaign.

In order to raise maximum fine revenue from cameras on motorways, the Transport Department and Police England are working hard on software which will allow tailgaters to be identified and issued with a fixed penalty ticket automatically.
   It is believed that there will be a tier system for the fines based on proximity to the vehicle ahead and the amount of time spent in close and dangerous proximity to it.

Q: Are the people who question the way NHS burrocraps are handling the plague vaccination campaign out of the same box as anti-vaxxers?
A: Actually, it's the burrocraps who obstruct recruitment of vaccination volunteers and cock up the supply of vaccines who are serving the anti-vaxx cause mightily.

WEEK 2

 
Move along, there! Nothing to see.
“What happened in Washington on Capitol Carve-Up Day can't have been all that terrible if the very next day, the Senate was back in the building, confirming that Sleepy Joe won last year's election.” Vuitr Peflen

Dr. Death, Chief Medical Officer, is already drafting out next winter's lockdowns. How bleedin' cheerful.

Q: What does the Labour shadow health minister think her job involves?
A: Spreading false rumours about the actual vaccine minister on aunti-social meeja because he's a Tory.

Tough titty for Wee Burney
The interval between the UK's referendums on EbloodyU membership—41 years—is to be applied to independence referendums in Scotland as President Boris thinks that this gap is about right.
   Wee Burney Sturgeon's gang lost in 2014. She won't get another shot until 2055 now. Happy New Year, ya wee nyaff!
[On the other hand, it's bad news for all the English taxpayers who are hoping she wins IndyRef2 and they don't have to keep watching their cash going down the Scottish government's drain as well as the one in Westminster. Ed.]

Ofcom, the broadcasting regulator, is seeking to include lack of appreciation of someone else's political views as hate speech & grounds for cancellation in its new rulz of engagement.
“Terrible news for the likes of the cancelled artiste formerly known as Fuk Jon Sno.” Biner Scrams,

Hysterical Inevitability
Bremoaners would have us believe that Britain is the glue that keeps the EbloodyU together and our no longer being a member has made it absobloodylutely certain that war will break out on the Continent and the Germans will kick France's arse again as they did in the 1870s, the 1910s and the 1940s.
“But probably not until after the Germans have paid for the cure for the Chinese plague.” Peem Niner
“Even so, I'm off to buy shares in companies that make bombs 'n' bullets 'n' missles.” Peem Chom

The road back
Discarded Chancellor Vajid Javid is to be returned to President Boris' Cabinet in some capacity or other in order to increase the number of member with foreign names in the name of Dai Versity.
“How many of them are Welsh? Any?” Heil Herver

Bumps in the road ahead
“When you add up the number of ways civil servants & the medical trade have concocted things which 'may' prevent more than a handful of people from getting one of the plague vaccines, you get a true picture of the sabotage potential of vested interests.” R.H.

The Law Commission is minded to let people marry anywhere they like in order to reduce the cost of weddings. Pubs, back gardens or even branches of McDonuts could go on the list of permitted locations. Or the list could be abolished completely.

Everyone in Switzerland who wants a shot of vaccine will get on 'by summer'.
[That's before September 20th. Ed.]

Burrocraps in Sweden are working hard to establish the same sort of negative image as Britisch ones, mainly by flouting plague rules with jaunts abroad and Xmas shopping junkets, believing the news meeja won't notice.

Norwegian boffins are detecting lots more plague variations. Same with Germany where; surprise!; the Opposition is accusing the government of being too slow to roll out the vaccine.

The thing to remember is that nothing has changed
The dust settles on Washington, pictures of protesters in Posturing Pelosi's Parlour circulate, the world has had something else to think about other than the Chinese plague for a while, and then we're back to the same old, same old and still in bloody locko thanks to our Chinese friends. Wunderbar!

“When you think about it, it's entirely right and proper that the customers should be allowed to inspect the office of the likes of Posturing Pelosi to find out what she's been spending their taxes on.” Hella Vaklash
“The Democrap reaction to the Capitol Carnival is just naked envy. They know the customers would never stage something similar in support of Sleepy Joe, Mx Harrisment, Pesky Pelosi or anyone else on their roster.” Roadrunner
“Sleepy Joe shudda retired a dozen years ago. He's another Brezhnyev or Andropov or whatever.” J.W.
“Just a 2-day Wonder rather than the traditional 9 days, going from newspaper front pages. It's back to the plague in London today. Up North, of course, still doesn't count.” U-bet

Not so NeatFlix—all the subscription prices are going up to celebrate the latest locko.

Busy, busy Busies
The nation's police forces are on overtime to cope with the demand for bodies to question people driving out of supermarket car parks, or parked on benches, to find out who they are, where they're from and where they're going in order to find out if the customer is eligible for a locko-floutation fine.
“Keep the 'we're heading for damnation & a police state' flag flying.” E. Gulsnest

The EbloodyU's burrocrats are making a major bog of rolling out the Chinese plague vaccine to the outer edges of their fief. It's only in the important countries up in the north & centre where anything useful is happening.
   Just as well we got out, eh?

One person’s poison . . .
Some old codgers are refusing a shot of the Pfizzy plague vaccine because it's foreign and insisting on waiting for the Oxo shot because it's Britisch. Police officers are getting the rejected shots in order to avoid wasting the highly temperature-sensitive Pfizzy product.

President Boris is bringing in the army to assist with the vaccination programme. Could it be that he thinks that having people with guns around them will encourage the burrocrats and foot-draggers to do the job they're paid for?

Nationwide crashes of Sky's broadband are being used as an excuse for not delivering online education.

Small businesses are giving up (or have done) on trading with EbloodyU countries because they don't want to be tied up in even more pointless red tape. They are hoping that the current Buy Britisch campaign will be their salvation.

Early 'umans living in Africa had developed the skills to adapt to a changing climate, the Xperts reckon. Something with modern 'umans appear to have lost.

“The prospect of America being Made Great Again really seems to have rattled its enemies.” Sue Preem

Today's acronym just has to be MEGA—Make England Great Again!

The Chinese government is insisting that its access ban applied to a WHO mission tasked with finding out the actual origin of the Chinese plague is NOT a delaying tactic which is part of a cover-up plan. No way.

Clarke’s Fourth Law in action
Kids should get the vaccine so they can go to school. Ancients don't need it because they don't go out but kids need to. That's the view of one Xpert.
   Depriving the elderly, who are most at risk from the Chinese plague, of the vaccine would be simply callous, reckons and equal & opposite Xpert.
“The safe thing now is to ignore all Xperts if there is a 50% chance they're talking bollocks.” Tom Alien

Will the weather hold up?
Let us not forget that there is nothing happening in the United States recently & right now which has not happened elsewhere in the world and been endorsed as okay by the world's diplomatic community.
“Whatever happened to that coup d'état right here in Englandland that the news meeja were trying to sell us on Tuesday morning? Blink & you missed it?” Luthor Rak
“Blame the Britisch—the Capitol Caper was a celebration of the Spirit of 1814. Hooray!” Freebooter
How dare Trump be popular! or The Grapes of Envy
“The Capitol Caper has left Democraps green with envy. No one would get out of bed for any of their lot.” E.S.
“What the Congressional Crash has done is remind the political elite in the US that they are accountable, that bubbles can be burst and they can be held to account by the people whose pockets they so casually pick.” Dark Star

Space hoppers are making a comeback in a big way during the plague season because people sitting down don't have to be wearing a face mask.

Q: You're an SNP MP who flouts plague laws by swanning back & forth between Scotland & England when you have it. How long do the police take to charge you with a criminal offence?
A: 3½ months.
S: Nae doot she'll be yet another, when or if the case comes to court, who gets away with it.
The polis reckon they took so long because they were doing a thorough investigation.
   [Bollocks rating 98.73. Ed.]

Ofcom's board members are to be cancelled for pandering to every bigot, looney & global warming fraudster on The Planet with their ludicrous definition of hate speech.

Should we really be sorry for people on the TV news telling us they can't provide their kids with laptops because they have 4, 5 or even 6 of them and can't afford to gadget them? Probably not. If they've produced 6 kids they can't support, what do they expect?

All the ice in the Arctic could, maybe might fall into the sea on the same day, an Xpert reckons. Customers are advised to be well inland on that awful day to avoid the tidal wave.

South Africa is currently in the No. 1 Slot in the race to have the scariest variation of the Chinese Plague.

There is a major punch-up going on in the ranks of the Xperts. Some want existing vaccines to be ineffective against the South African variant of the Chinese plague and others reckon existing vaccines can be tweaked easily to accommodate it, if necessary.
“Okay, which is the definition of the Chinese plague? Life-or-death or whack-a-mole?” Jus Toringe

The BBC has made its Most Invective Rapper award for 2021 with just a week of the year gone. So much for value & credibility.

Just the Job
A police recruitment drive sanctioned by the Home Sec. has been oversubscribed by 5x the target. Lotz of people, it seems, want to boss the customers around, Xtract fines and be rewarded for turning a disceet blind eye occasionally.
   This has really upset Lord Blair (no, Ian, not Tony B.), the dispensed-with Met boss, who takes someone else's success as a personal slap in the face if it shows up his deficiencies.

FerroVaxxin liquid or capsules
Abolish the plague & tiredness with a single armful
Contains iron & 16 ESSENTIAL vitamins & minerals
Romiley Health-Kick, 51 Riverside Drive

This might smart a bit . . .
One of the SAGE Stooges reckons that a national lockdown might not be enough to halt the spread of the latest marque of the Chinese plague. Which means what? He's softening us up for the army to go round shooting everyone in virus nests to solve the problem?
“And the RAF to napalm the nests to complete the sterilization operation?” R.W.

Sir Kreepy Steamer is demanding round-the-clock action on vaccinations. Let us hope he gets his appointment @ around 3:45 a.m. on a cold, dark wet day.
“The Wearer of the Pantz of Kontrol reckons: 'we now need a government that's worthy of the British people.' Does he not realize that his petty demand rulz Labour right out?” Sab O'Tage

Q: Does it matter what its enemies are saying about America?
A: When you consider who is in charge of China, Iran, Putinstant, etc., nope.
Q: What about all the little nations that decide totalitarianism is the better financial option?
A: Screw them.

“If the earliest the US Senate could start an impeachment process against President Trump is January 20th, are they going to have to keep him on as president for however long the kangaroos bounce around their court? Or could they get the job done in about 10 minutes so that Gopher Joe can be sworn in on schedule and they won't have to reprint the tickets?” Ty Tanium
“The Congress Caper was just something that happened, not something organized by President Trump. Confecting cause & effect would be routine in Russia or China. The big question is 'Do the Democraps think they can get away with sinking to their level?' 50-50, given that all power corrupts” Raisin D'Etre
“A good defence for Pres. Trump? He was corrupted by the power the American people insisted on thrusting upon him?” Sue Wannee

Blizzards in spain on the second Saturday of the month. So much for gorbal warming.
The Spanish are claiming that their blizzard is unusual and persistent—to qualify for a victimhood grant? Bloody Snoflakes.

Wee Burney's SNP gang is demanding BILLIONs of pounds from English taxpayers as Brexit compenbloodysation, especially for the Scottish fishing industry, following the rule 'Demand billions, settle for millions'.
   This is ignoring the billion-pound sub they've already had, of course.
“Time for patriotic Scots, if there are any, to eat more fush suppers?” Roy Robber
“Wee Burney keeps on pretending that an independent Scotland would join the EU, even though she must have been told lots of time that Scotland can't meet the basic membership qualifications. But being a typical politician, she doesn't let reality get in the way of a good lie.” Cam Belzacumin

U-Tube (a.k.a. Gooble) doesn't believe in cancelling customers arbitrarily. It terminates them equally arbitrarily.

Pragmatism Attack
Rail services are to be cut back to eliminate the distressing sight of empty 'ghost' trains making pointless journeys. The same could happen to buses. Romiley certainly seems to get plenty of ghosts.

Q: You're the cosmetic mayor of a major city who isn't getting enuff meeja attention—what do you do?
A: Declare a Major Incident.

CoronaVirusFinalXit—Is that about as long as we can get it?

Blunk!
That's the sound of a politician's credibility hitting the buffers. Such as when doubly sacked, New Labour ex-minister D. Blunket starts his sounding off about vaccination by claiming Labour's handling of the 2001 foot 'n' mouth outbreak was some sort of triumph rather than an utter disaster.
   He also does a moan about the pig-headed burrocracy running the NHS and all the administrative straitjackets it creates, but fails to explain why, when he was Health Sec., he failed to do anything about the mess.

The Scottish Navy is taking a robust attitude to Irish trawlers, which seek to invade the Rockall 12-mile limit when they think no one is looking.

The global warming fraudsters are trying to drive steam trains into Xtinction via bans on mining in the UK, the low emissions coal that they use. Ta, for that.

NowSinking&Insovent.co.uk
The government's saving scam NS&I faces being wound up as it is heading for zero customers. Cutting interest rates to a derisory 0.01%, doing a swindle on premium bond prizes and having non-existent customer service were the torpedoes.

Greenhouse Grotter is in hiding to avoid inconvenient questions from people wanting to know why it's so bloody cold if The Planet has been turned into a sauna.

Q: How do you conceal your bolthole from the Federal Bureau of Instigation?
A: Give it a sneaky, unobvious name such as Tuckedaway.

“When you think about it, it is perfectly reasonable to expect people giving plague jabs to have had anti-terrorism training. After all, we don't want to waste the precious vaccine on terrorists & their supporters.” Petti Fogger

Teachers first, young people first, NHS staff first. There's an unholy punch-up going on for vaccine priority with a gang of Xperts backing each horse.

Q: Has the Police Commish of the West Midlands, where burglars get a free pass, really demanded a change in the law to let the police enter homes to join in dinner parties & raves?
A: You never kno, these daze.

O.J. Corbynstein is demanding, from his bunker, that everyone gets free broadband. Starting with him. Someone will have to pay for it but you can be bloody sure it won't be him.

Four people in a car @ 5 a.m. heading, they reckon, to a McDonuts. Which doesn't open until 7 a.m. Fines totalling £800. Ta, for that.

Just to be clear—being 92 is no excuse for thinking the Sun shines out of J. Assange's orifice and a reason not to be arrested if you're making a nuisance of yourself.

Advice From Your Government: Walking will get you from A to B but your B may not be more than 1.4873 miles from your A. And don't even think of including a C.

The end of the ’uman race?
Could a ban on women getting pregnant, because seeing them in that condition upsets women who can't, be how it happens?

“The lesson of history is that there is nothing left-wingers will not do to sell out their country, especially if it is to their personal and or financial advantage.” R.W.

A lot of Repubelicer staff & political careers are heading for the junkyard. After all, who's going to want to give a job to people who run away @ the first sign of trouble? Especially if the current Trump 'crisis' is going to last less than a couple of weeks.

Behind you!
Which shoulder is Wee Burney looking over? Discarded First Meenister A. Salmonella wants her job. Despite being Xposed by his own lawyer as a sex pest & bully.
   The view of the Burney faction in the SNP is that he's throwing the longest & most hysterical tantrum in the history of Scottish politics just because the allegations of pestism against him were not whitewashed out of Xistence by the Scittish Establishment.

Selective vision
Mr. Bidet called the Capitol Crowd 'domestic terrorists' for behaving like the BLAME Bunchers. Strange he didn't same the same about the Blamers when they were out agitating, looting' & arsonin'.

Q: Should we be celebrating the first people to get a shot of the vaccine for the Chinese plague, Hooray, Hooray?
A: Nope. We should save the celebrating for the last people to need it and the job of vaccinating the nation done & dusted. Until it has to be done all over again.

Q: "Why are you here?" sez the fine-soliciting copper.
A: "Why are any of us here? And why are we expected to entertain some pushy fine-solicitor with a philosophical discussion?"

“Why do pharma companies give their drugs stoopid names like Toxicsquab or Saroman instead of neat reference numbers? No drug with a silly name should be certified for use in the UK @ more than 50p/dose.” Golan Hites

Any plague cases in Madrid hoping to get a place in a hospital will be out of luck. The hospitals are full up of people who have injured themselves on the universal snow and ice wished on Spain by gorbal warming.

The current must-have dog accessory is a £73 collar with a built-in computer, which guesses whether the dog's barking means that it is angry, anxious, happy, relaxed or sad.
   One snag: you also need a pocket phone with a crApp to kno what the guesses are.

The DWP is giving £11 MILLION to the Reducing Parental Conflict programme, which bangs together the heads of rowing parents to give their kids a break from all the noise.

How long will it be before some wobbly wonk is hurling the proposed statue of much-loved Scottish comedian Billy Connolly into the Clyde because of some imagined outrage?

President Kim of North Korea had decided that Xpanding his nuclear arsenal is a good way of getting incoming Pres. Bidet's attention.

Modern Proverbs: He who hesitates to think about what he's going to do is most likely make it home for his tea.

Tiny footnote in history
Not Xactly the storming of the Bastille or the Winter Palace, was it? The 'Death of Democracy' in the United States was just an afternoon out, all over by teatime.
   Only in the minds of those who cling to victim culture and those who wish to pretend that life is a grand conspiracy against them has anything truly dreadful happened.
   It was a wake-up call to the pushy & the powerful. Nothing more.

Blame Pelosi & Co.
In fact, it was the Democrats wanting to give the Blamers & their ilk a free ride that made the Capitol Caper possible.
   If the police hadn't been worried about more meeja kickings & more cuts for getting in the way of protesters, they'd have kept them off the site and the whole thing would never have kicked off.

Here in the real world . . .
If you want an example of the end of the world in action, just take a look @ the obstructionism by NHS burrocrats over distributing the plague vaccine to where it's needed.
   That's not something that will be over by teatime.

President Boris is urging us to stay at home but we need clarity on how we are locked. Everyone agrees that it's not down. But are we locked up or locked in?

Singing: “Who, are you? Doot-doot, doot-doot!”
The BBC has given Dr. Who a licence to indulge in any conceivable deviation from normal human behaviour.
   Presumably, on the grounds that Who is an alien and wouldn't know any better.

Going an extra mile
So few people are flying on commercial airliners these days that aviation companies are installing a decent kitchen and a celebrity chef on their aircraft which are used by business class travellers and the rich & famous.
   The plan is for privileged customers to be able to pay for ordering Xactly what they want in the way of in-flight grub, and get it prepared Xactly as they want it.

Wearing a bank-robber mask when you go out for essential shopping on a winter's day keeps your face warm and is a Good Thing. Which will probably get you arrested by some over-eager copper if things ever return to an approximation of normality.

Q: If you're a burglar, what do you need to avoid?
A: Sitting on your phone, accidentally dialling 999, and getting yourself and your partner-in-crime busted in flagrante.

Purge Pelosi
If anyone is impeached, it should be N. Pelosi, the honco of the US House of Representatives. She's a loser who has made not accepting an election result obligatory in the United States through 4 years of Bremoaner attempts to undo the outcome of the 2016 presidential election.
   If anyone should be fired, she's at the top of the list and if President Trump ends up in gaol, she should be in the next cell.
“Next door to Hilarious Clinton?” A.L.

The Democraps have been accused of rachel bias by surrounding the Capitol site with a black fence.
The French are hoping that incoming President Sleepy Joe will abolish the retaliatory tariffs imposed on wines & spirits and aircraft part by the previous administration via the US Customs and Border Protection Agency over protectionist French subsidies to the Airbus franchise.

The West Mercia police farce is praying for snow as throwing a snowball is a crime against humanity under their Plague Law [as opposed to the Law of the Land, Ed.] and worth a Kerching! of 200 quid.

Bradford Council, meanwhile, would like to deliver an 'Up Yours!' to President Boris' instruction to stay @ home by putting wonks on the streets as human sign-boards carrying plague messages.

Spivs in London are going door-to-door and charging the unwary £160 for a fake plague vaccination.

President Boris's dad has made sure that he got 2 shots of the plague vaccine here before he buggers off to be a Bremoaner in France, where he'd have no chance of getting any.

No wonder Holland is the drug capital of the EbloodyU. Customs wonks there are making sure that no one has anything Britisch, such as sandwiches, Spanish oranges, American orange juice and Dorset muesli, when they enter the Niederlands. Truckload of cannabis? Straight through.

Gorbal warming is doing in sharks around Australia, the Xperts reckon, which is good news for people who don't fancy becoming a Great White's lunch.

+ + + Exeter council run by wonk pillocks + + + No resignations expected for gross stupidity & BLAME Bunchery + + +

Public Service Announcement He's been called the Blogger of the Decade His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

WEEK 3

 
We're facing the darkest hour, the Bank of England's Governor reckons. But never mind. There's a groping aristo who's going to gaol story to cheer us up. Wunderbar!

+ + + Twatter bans President Trump but continues to let terrorists use its services + + + Consistency, clarity, logic & transparency do not apply to internet publishing + + + Woke-ism needs to be put to sleep, proclaims US Sec. of State M. Pompeo + + +

The only woman in a prison Death Row in the United States is not to be terminated on the grounds that she is too crazy to appreciate the favour that Society would be doing for itself by getting shot of her.

Q: What do you get if you're a Nigerian stowaway who hijacks a tanker in the Solent?
A: Away with it, a taxpayer-funded allowance and a council flat because the Can't Be Arsed To Prosecute Service ain't interested.
“Sir Kreepy Steamer's legacy?” Dar Cages

+ + + Dockson of Dick Green and Met to get super-tough with plague rule violators + + + Kerching! more times than you can count + + + Boris bike ride gives outrage confecters HUGE burst of exercise for wagging tongues & pointing fingers + + + "Shudda biked up & down Downing St." wail outraged moaners + + +

“On the clarity front, are we to be told how many doses of the Pfizzy vaccine were wasted by the doomed NHS England quango when it ordered those preparing injections to extract only 5 shots from vials containing 6 shots? Or must burrocrap arses remain unbooted at all costs?” R.W.

Angular Mherkel is hoping to keep Germany locked down at least until the end of March, and no one will be able to travel anywhere before June.

Q: What is the opposite of FOMO or Fear of Missing Out?
A: DGAM or Don't Give A Monkey's.

The Way Ahead
+ + + Dr. Death orders 3 km spacing rule + + + All shopping to be done online + + + All deliveries to be made @ dead of night to dedicated Xternal bunker to avoid contact with customers + + + Supermarkets to make wearing a face mask compulsory MONTHS after other shops and long AFTER customers banned from leaving home + + +

Mock Martyrs
Anti-locko groups are being accused of stage-managing incidents to capture photographs of ladies of mature vintage being handcuffed by a gang of pushy coppers for posting on the usual interweb fake news sites.

Bozos busted
The National Police Chiefs' Council has been warned that its members could end up on the wrong end of a class action if they continue to allow police officers to harass members of the public by imitating judges & making up laws which have not been endorsed by Parliament, such as jumping on people who leave their home twice in the same day, which is entirely legal if the excursions are within the limits of the plague rules.
A requirement to act appropriately & proportionally
Police officers who break social spacing rules when harassing members of the public, and allow themselves to be videoed doing so, could be subject to enhanced fines on the grounds that they, more than anyone else, should know the rulz. Further, they should know that 'when in doubt, do nowt' applies when they're not sure.

Scam Warning
Over 80s are accusing the NHS burrocrats of fiddling the figures for plague vaccinations by offering them appointments tens of miles from their home.
   The burrocrats are operating a 'jab offered, job done' rule—which ignores the fact that vaccination opportunities are not being taken up—because the government target is to 'offer' a jab to the top four categories of customer by the middle of February and the count is not of jabs actually delivered.

Q: Are we impressed by Greenhouse Grotter sneaking out of her bunker to grot on President Boris' Green Bollocks Programme?
A: HTFK?**
** [Hoo The Fk Kares? Ed.]

+ + + Trump camp says "Bring it on" when impeachment mentioned + + + Will be a major propaganda victory for President, they claim + + + Their view that all accusations come from a deep, dark, dirty conspiracy against President Trump vindicated + + + GAIA! + + +

Q: How come the Federal Bureau of Instigation hasn't gone after Nasti Pelosi for subversion against the legitimately elected President of the Untied States?
A: Because the Feds are in the pockets of the Democraps?

How can an AlGoreithm be anything other than a disaster when you remember who it's named after?

Deluded, deluded, deluded
You'd think that politicians would be aware of all the foot-dragging & obstruction that goes on in the civil service, the NHS management, quangos and everything to do with the public sector. And yet they continue to set targets and claim things will be world-beating. Which doesn't give you much confidence in their probity and mental capacity and ability to learn from what goes on around them.

+ + + Sore losers of the world unite in the Untied States! + + + Pelosi & Democraps make their country a laughing stock + + + US now China Mark II + + + Trump impeachment II is "a joke & an abuse of the democratic process"—Official! + + +
“This has to be a new low in petty & vindictive. The Demo Craps couldn't give Trump the sack while he was president, so they're going to give him the sack when he's no longer in the job? Sheesh!” M. Egabux
“A crude attempt to keep Sleepy Joe in the Guiness Book of Records as the world's oldest president of America.” Shu Shine
“Anything goes now? If you can't overturn a presidential election result like the one from 2016 honestly, try dishonesty? Hypocrisy of Pelosian proportions.” Eplu Ribus

Q: Will making safe spacing "2 meters plus" have any effect on the people who aren't spacing even one meter now?
A: One guess.
The only advantage of a 3-meter rule would be that the police can do an automatic bust on any 2 people sitting on the same park bench.
   400 quid. Kerching!

Moderate the Mockery
Derbyshire's chief constable, R. Swann, has had tons of derision about her haircut, including buckets of wonderment about how she manages to get a police hat to stay on her bonce.
   As a result, she is trying desperately to prevent her minions from going over the top. Such as by claiming that safely spaced friends with cups of takeaway peppermint tea are having a picnic and kerchinging them with a £200 fine apiece.
CC Swann is believed to have confiscated all police battering rams to prevent her minions from copying the Devon & Cornwall police, whose new hobby is battering their way into pubs to find out if they can kerching! anyone inside for boozing.

Under the Statute of Reciprocation, President Trump doesn't have to accept the outcome of the 2020 presidential election for as long as Pelosi & the Democraps have denied the result of the 2016 election. In other words, he doesn't have to say word one until 2025 at the very earliest.

+ + + Pelosi in line for Sacred Cow Award? + + +

Beyond cold to downright weird


The night of Thursday 14th & Friday 15th of this month was the coldest of the winter so far. It also produced an amazing phenomenon. A dish of water, parked in a back garden for the benefit of passing cats, froze solid.
   Not something it hasn't done before, you might point out. But what is unique about this occasion is the weird tongue of ice which the dish grew.
   The best theory available is that the surface of the water froze to the dish, creating a seal. When less dense ice formed below the surface, the pressure drove incompressible water out through a weak spot in the ice covering, and the tongue was the end product of physics in action.

Warning to customers:
If you are expecting a parcel via the Royal Mail, DO expect a card through the door telling you it's too big for your letterbox, DO NOT expect anyone to attempt to deliver the parcel.
“Ten past four: Was that something coming through the letterbox? Probably an advertising leaflet. Investigate. Red post office card with the time 16:15 on it. Open front door and look up and down the road. No sign of the Saturday Skiver, who does a hit & run with his cards instead of attempting to deliver any parcels.” Per Stofft
They keep the Saturday Skiver in his box on Tuesday. Still, he makes a real mockery of the Royal Mail 48 hour delivery sticker on the parcel.

With friends like her . . .
Joke Bidet's wife is reported to keep hiding in unlikely places, such as overhead luggage lockers on airliners, and springing out to startle him. She's a doctor and he has a dodgy ticker. The odds against Joe completing his first term in office, never mind trying for two, must be astronomical.
“What are the Secret Service guys doing while all this is going on? Keeping their heads down because their job is to protect a president—any president—and if one gets popped, there will be another along as soon as the Vice can be sworn in?” T.A.

Q: How do you build a 100-mile-long City of the Future in Saudia?
A: First, kill everyone whose home is in the way and who objects to having their home demolished.

Everyone else in the contest abandon hope—Pesky Pelosi has won the Sacred Cow of the Year award for 2021.

The US government machine is eager to present itself as serious and ept. Thus it is getting its secret agents & other investigators to uncork their files on . . . UFOs, which makes a whole heap of sense. Not.
   Nothing about Russian hackers, nothing about Chinese infiltraitors stealing tech secrets.The revelations are a product of a clause sneaked into the Grand Covid Relief Bill.

The Chinese regime has the hump with President Boris because he reckons that China's demented traditional medicine culture brewed up the current plague pandemic.
[Whether the release was accident/stupidity by the military or civilians, there's no doubt about where the plague came from. Ed.]

Put a figure of 45,000 positive plague tests into the government's guess-o-meter and the Xperts will read off an actual transmission rate of over 250,000 new plague cases per day.

Not us, Gov!
The Chinese regime is adamant that the wildlife market @ Wuhan was NOT the source of the current worldwide pandemic. Which has to be as close as they can get to admitting that appallingly shoddy bio-security standards @ their military laboratory in Wuhan released a virus which was created there.
   After all, what are the odds of a virus first attacking humans in the only city in China where the military is brewing up variants of this and other nasty bastard viruses?
   Dead cert with the emphasis on the dead.

The Grapes of Hissiness
Why did Arnie Schwarzenberger take a pop @ President Trump recently? Because he was outraged by the Capitol Caper or because he was fired off Trump's TV show 3 years ago with Xtreme prejudice for sinking the ratings? One guess.

Rash Claims or take a proper gander if you want the facts
The free school meals food parcel contains stuff costing a fiver, not the 30 quid of two weekly free school meals vouchers claims a recipient. The supplier says it's 10 quid's worth of lunches for one week, including the cost of packing & distribution, in the online photo.
   This is what 30 quid's worth of food looks like sez a charity offering another picture. That's actually 300 quid's worth before it became supermarket expired goods, the Xperts say.
   The pictures tell one story, the captions tell something quite different.

Yeah, right
The World Health Organization Xpedition to Wuham sez it's 'going to follow the science' when it does its investigation after the cover-up has been completed. If ever there was a phrase guaranteed to demolish confidence, that is it.

Tonite on TV: Sex . . . & the coal in them
[One for our readers in Edinburgh. Ed.]

Come on if you think you’re hard enuff
The Federal authorities in the Untied States are daring the population of all 50 states to start something when President Trump abandons Washington for his home in Florida.
   Billions of tax dollars are being diverted to barriers and riot equipment and overtime for police, National Guard and other security forces on duty in the vast empty linked spaces around the White House and the Capitol.
   Foreign spies are enjoying a field day as those charged with defending America concentrate on their own people.

Communication breakdown
If you haven't been getting much actual mail recently; the credit card bills, the catalogues of stuff you'd never buy in a million years; it's because postal staff are unusually sensitive to the Chinese plague and most of them are off sick. Better not let the NHS post the details of your vaccination appointment.

It fits the observed facts
You know the wonks managing the NHS are pure evil. Further proof of that is that they are making GPs throw away surplus doses of the plague vaccine rather than use them up on NHS staff or customers who could take a second dose.

No attempt at originality
When it comes to arrogance, bullying and vindictiveness, the Democrap-controlled House of Representatives in the Untied States seems to be following in the footsteps of that nation's TV wrestlers.
   Could it be that Nasti Pelosi is having her scripts writen by one of the WW Entertainment crew who is moonlighting?
   No one would be in the least surprised if this turned out to be true.

The Notional Truss has become associated with the view that doing gardening in any of its many and varied forms is perpetuating the evils of rachelism. Those whom the Gods would destroy, they first fix up with a job involving the N.T.
This wonkery comes from Prof. C. Fowler, who does post colonial literature @ Leicester U and has a snoflake's response to a National Treasure outing her views as wokery. In the meantime, the N.T. is running out of contributing members @ a terminal rate thanks to all the wonkery.

Weather Control has decided that the only way to stop its customers from ignoring the regulations and spreading the Chinese plague is to drown the country in snow for the next few days.
   If this doesn't keep people who don't have to be elsewhere in their homes, the only next step would appear to be to bring in the army to shoot a few (or a lot of the) trouble-makers.

Eyes on you
China is threatening to invade Australia if the Aussies don't stop noticing that the Chinese are arresting everyone in Hong Kong who would rather have democracy than government by a set of waxworks thousands of miles away in the north.
The opposition leader A. Navalny, who survived an assassination attempt by Putin the Poisoner's wonks, has flown back to Putinstan to be arrested on another trumped up charge.

President Trump will receive a 21-gun salute when he shakes the dust of Washington off his boots and flies off to Florida on the morning of the 20th of the month. Let us hope, for his sake—and for that of the GAIA campaign—that the Democraps don't turn the guns to point at Air Force One.
   Otherwise, America will get that 3rd civil war we've been hearing so much about, Gopher Joe's presidency will be the shortest on record and China will inherit the Earth after the waxworks have wiped out Putinstan.

Here is a spot of really cheerful news to take your minds off the Chinese plague—Xperts @ New York University reckon that The Planet is 30 MILLION YEARS overdue for a mass Xtinction event.
   Can't come soon enough for some of us!
“Maybe it's the plague that causes the Xtinction event rather than an asteroid. Whatever, I wish it would get a bloody move on.” Pram Demik

The wonkiest Plague Patrol Minion Xcuse for pestering someone was offered in London. A jogger was halted to be told off for breathing too heavily whilst having a run beside the Thames.
   No such rule exists, his employers were obliged to admit, but something that trivial isn't going to stop a wonk who's intent on being a pest.

There’ll never be another
Sherri Scouse, our Society Xpert, reports on January 19th 2021:
And so we prepare to say fare ye well in your next venture to President Donald J. Trump, the best leader the Untied States of Ameriqua have ever had.
   Trump's open and forthright style was a breath of fresh air in a world where diplomatic lies and casual treachery are the common currency.
   Will his successor be able to make Get America Interesting Again? It's not something you'd bet your own money on. But a big "GO, GAIA" anyway.
The Federal Instigators are frantically trawling through the records of the National Guardsmen posted to Washington, DC, in search of war veterans who voted Republican, or who might have voted Republican, so that they can be given a day off tomorrow as a potential security risk.

Q: What's a quick way to jump the queue to get a shot of the plague vaccine?
A: Go to Oldham and claim to be homeless because they're a special interest of the council boss.

The Republican party in the US is facing Xtinction. Too many people consider themselves to be members of the Trump party for the Repubelicker rump to have any hope of winning power.
   So that's a 3-party system for American politics until the necessary adjustments have been made to get things back to 2 parties again.

BTW: Holland is now on the blacklist of EbloodyU petty revenge-takers with France & the Irish Republic. Not buying nuffink Dutch, especially not their tasteless tomatoes and chewy cheese, is now the order of the day.

The Chinese government has decided that telling President Boris he's wrong about where the plague came from and all the abuses perpetrated against inconvenient Chinese Moslems & democracy advocates by the waxworks in Peking is the way forward rather than an invasion to crush their enemies here. For the moment . . .
“But when they've sorted out the Aussies?” James J'aw

“A WHO team hand-picked by the Chinese being kept out of Wuhan? They must be really behind with their cover-up!” A. Sceptic

Pay attention @ the back
Only sexual deviants can take these parts in dramas about them, only people with actual experience of murder can play the bad guy in Agatha Christie's murder mysteries, only actual, experienced getaway drivers can play these parts in films. Acting is banned. That's the wonk direction for the future of dramatic productions.

Q: If salaam alekum means hello, does alekum salaam mean oh, hell?
A: Sounds logical.

Modern Update: Beer Garden A place where safely spaced drinkers are baited by a Plague Warden for the entertainment of the meeja.

Good News: Surviving an encounter with the Chinese plague, the Xperts of the discredited quango Public Health England reckon, gives 95% protection from its effects for 5 months or more.
Bad News: You can still be re-infected, not experience any symptoms and become a super-spreader.

Q: Are fines for entering badly signed bus lanes in Scotland a deliberate Stealth Tax on motorists?
A: Where do you think Gordon F. Broon, who invented Stealth Taxes, comes from?

January 20th: America Wonks Up

 
From Firebrand to Figurehead

President Trump filled his last days @ the White House with signing off on popular relaxations of plague regulations, knowing that his successor will make himself unpopular by cancelling them.
“As for the pardons, think Bill Clinton on steroids.” De'André Bc'

Gone, but not into obscurity
“Let us not forget that the dreaded Capitol Campers allowed themselves to be evicted by tea time and the business there of wasting tax dollars resumed immediately.” Louis Iva Nandisho
“This is in fact perfectly true. They didn't insist on burning down the workspace of America's legisators, as a gang of those who make heroes out of dead criminals would have done. Which makes sending millions of National Guardsmen to that part of DC just a victim culture knee-jerk.” Flood Warning
“No doubt the O'Bummers have front row tickets for Joe's Junket, taking a break from feathering their nest in search of further feathering opportunities.” Judge Washo

“If the Kerchingers really want to do some good, they should slap a fine on the pillocks who wear a face mask over their mouth but not their nose. And call it a stupidity tax.” Old Ham

Burglars, who have been deprived of income by people staying @ home more, are seeking either access to a government furlough scheme or ideas for someone to sue to generate some income.
   Lawyers, who represent the occasional burglar who is victimized by the Can't Be Arsed To Prosecute Service (former proprietor Sir Kreepy Steamer) are in much the same position.

Dictator Assad of Syria has been linked to the chemical bomb which blew up Beirut last August.

The Chinese government reckons that the plague was brought to their country by infected people or goods from abroad. Or maybe it was aliens from the planet Zarg.

Public Health Scotland would have us believe that there is no statistical link between hospitals decanting elderly customers with the plague into care homes and thousands of deaths from the plague in care homes.
   Translation: If you were planning to sue for reckless endangerment after a relative died, forget it.

Man with a mission
Sir Kreepy Steamer has identified a key component of the prime minister's job as cosying up to people who don't have Britain's best interests at heart. Accordingly, he must be planning to cosy up to Gopher Joe, Vlad the hijo de Putin, unspeakable EbloodyUropeons and the Chinese big time in the coming months.
    Creating a financial crisis bigger than the one created by Gordon F. Broon in 2008 has to be another of his ambitions.

Scrap humans, bring on the robots?
Government & football boss-wonks are really tying themselves in knots over celebrations after someone has scored a goal. If footballers have been tested negative for the plague, why not?
   If they're not obliged to stay 2 yards apart on the pitch and avoid running & heavy breathing, why not?
   Celebrating achievement is part of the game and imagining everyone not on the pitch will take the celebration as an excuse to do the same is a fine example of official bone-bloody-headedness. Only bureaucrapic wonks would want to take all the emotion and excitement out of what is supposed to be a sporting spectacle.

Xactly what you want—guaranteed
The job of an Xpert is (a) to unscrew the inscrutable or (b) to screw it up, depending on who's paying their wages.
   And Clarke's Fourth Law applies at all times.

How dare you expect them to do what they’re paid to do!!
Teaching unions are up in arms following the news that school inspectors will be checking up on how many of their members are actually doing any on-line teaching and how many are doing a quarter of an hour in the morning, the same in the afternoon and skiving off for the rest of the day.

Get America Interesting Again Pleeze!

Hope the tickets didn’t cost too much!
Joke Bidet lived up to his first name by turning his inauguration into a tacky carnival act with a popster making a mockery of the US anthem and a line-up of ancient millionaires from the worlds film & TV.
   There's a rumour circulating that he wanted to shoot off some missles to show President Kim of North Korea who's the boss and Get America (a bit) Interesting Again, but we're not sure if there's anything in it.
Janus Reborn
His apologists are positioning the new president as:
(1) a modest man with much to be modest about and not a boat-rocker,
(2) a strong man who will resist the economy-wrecking whims of the left-wing loonies on his team, and
(3) not a vindictive man even if he makes it his priority to reverse every decision made by his predecessor because he can.

“Yes, the British government's handling of the response to the Chinese plague has been inept and disastrous. Which makes how bad things would have been with O.J. Corbynstein & Labour in charge impossible to imagine.” D'Ominique

Official Government Warning KOFFEE KILLS

The travel industry is relying on being rescued this summer by gangs of wealthy pensioners, who have had both of their plague vaccinations and can prove it, and want to get away from it all somewhere warm & sunny.

Poked with a joke
The well-mannered Tory MP J. Rees-Mogg has succeeded in helping whole gangs of humourless & tiresome gits to make fools of themselves. A jokey remark about fish being happier in British waters has driven the wonks absolutely mental, going from the amount of confection in their wonky responses. Bonehead baiting can be too easy at times.

Q: How do you market a half-size Mars bar @ the full-size price?
A: Claim the shrimp is a Planet-Saving reduced calorie version ('coz it's smaller). Some idiots will fall for it, guaranteed.

The boss of a chain of care homes is being paid two million quid per year and he gets his plague vaccination first? Enterprise has its rewards!

Not going backwards any more
British Gas is now just as bad as its rivals rather than worse than any of them. This is the conclusion reached by Centrica, its owner, from the fact that BG has as many customers as it had 6 months ago.
   But no one seems to be switching to BG. Its reputation for being abominable remains intact, it seems.

Putinstan murder target A. Navalny has been shoved in gaol for 30 days to give Putin's poisoners a better crack at him.

The Chinese are not pleased by Russian mockery of the effectiveness of their plague, which has killed only 2 million people out of a total world population of 7.8 billion.
   Just shoddy genetic engineering, smirking Russian virus Xperts are reported to have said in mock sorrow.

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, January MM21 like anyone cares