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 2021/November 
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today's efforts

omigron plagueExceedingly quick off the mark!
The spirit of enterprise is flourishing in the Untied States under the leadership of President Creaky Joe and an enterprising toy manufacturer has created a cuddly toy version of the new omicron variant of the Chinese plague as this year's must-have Xmas Gimme-Gimme!

Gordon F. Broon, the man who wrecked private pensions and the British banking system when in office, is setting himself up as an Xpert on vaccines.
   No doubt there will be a picture of him doing his famous menacing scowl on the tombstone for the 'uman race to let visiting aliens know who managed to extinguish all life on The Planet.

CFL logoWestern Semi in Regina, Saskatchewan
Morrow took the Stampeders' 2nd punt all the way from goal to goal, 124 yards, only to have his effort binned by an illegal block. An interception when the Roughriders were pinned inside their own 10 set up a TD for the Stamps after 7 minutes. They did nothing with another pick. The Riders finished Q1 in the red zone and kicked a FG to start Q2, 7-3.
   Another return by Morrow; 69 yards for a TD; stuck, 7-10. The Stamps got a rouge from a punt and both defences were trying to set records for interceptions. The Stamps missed a FG with 32 seconds left and Lemon of their defence was evicted for loutism at the end of the half.
   The Riders started Q3 with an on-side kick, taking advantage of a 25 yard penalty on Lemon, and bagged the ball. A big run by Fajardo was followed by a TD. 8-17. Paredes managed a FG, 11-17. The Stamps muffed receiving an SK punt but a FG try hit the post for nowt. A FG for the Stamps was matched by one by the Riders in Q4, 14-20.
   The Stamps did a Charge! from the SK 1, TD, 21-20. A pick gave them a FG and 24-20. Charge! by the home team, 24-27 with 2:14 left. The Stamps were sacked to a FG and 27-all. The Riders ran out the clock for OT.
   Both sides managed a FG for 30-all. Paredes missed another FG try, Lauther didn't. 30-33 for the Roughriders and they get a trip to Winnipeg.

tick symbolThe Britisch Army is following the lead of the Americans by establishing 4 Ranger battalions—but by hoovering troops out of the existing ones rather than by expanding the Army. The new outfit will go abroad to befriend and civilize natives of less advanced nations.

markerWhy, one wonders, does China have the hump over President Creaky Joe inviting Taiwan to contribute to a summit on global democracy. Taiwan is a democracy, China ain't. Or do the waxworks in Peking want to be there to show the world what a terrible mess communism creates as an awful warning?

bulletQ: You've stolen the best part of £100,000 via fraudulent benefit claims. What sort of repayment schedule would a judge @ Manchester Crown Court give you?
bulletA: £11 per month for 686 years, suggesting the judge was recruited from another planet where they live a bit longer than the rest of us.

Shrunk!markerWW Wonkiness!
The WW wrestling franchise is in crisis. Someone left their champion out in the rain and it did him no good.
   Once 6' 3" tall and towering a full head above his manager, the former Paul E. Dangerously, Roman the Rained-On can barely manage 4' 8" in his wrestling boots and he is going to need a whole gang of minions to do his fighting for him, instead of the pair of bozos who are tackling the job at present.
   Unless his iron-clad contract with the WW suffers a mysterious episode of spontaneous combustion and he can be quietly shuffled off into obscurity.
   Something which is not beyond the bounds of possibility in the fantasy world of television wrestling.

markerStart again
Gangs of Xperts in London & Innsbruck are trying to convince supermarkets that they have been using the wrong sort of shopping trolley and they need to replace their entire stock.
   Giving a trolley two wheelbarrow-style handles instead of the traditional horizontal push bar encourages customers to up their spending by one-third, the Xperts would have us believe. But for how long with the customers fall for it? BFN wonders.


    WEEK 5    Hey, Hey, Macrony, How many dead aujourd'hui?

 
November snowscape


Wot bloody gorbal warmage?


eyesBriefing against the Britisch vaccine invented by AstraZeneca, the boss of the company reckons, is what has left the EFU engulfed by yet another wave of the Chinese plague.
   France & Germany, which were particularly virulent in their Brexit-fuelled condemnations, are particularly badly hit. Are we gloating? Would we?
[Indecently, Ed.]

If you assume from your personal experience that all delivery firms are crap, you are right to do so, according to research by the consumer division of Citizens Advice.
   Amazon, the Royal Mail & DPD can manage a satisfaction rating of about 50% but Yodel and Hermes are in the bin at around 30%.

CFL logoEastern Semi, the Alouettes in Hamilton
Call that snow? Nothing compared to what we had in Romiley yesterday. The TiCats stared & punted. Their 30 yards of penalties helped the Als to a FG. Then the defences took over. The Als lost the ball to a sack/fumble in Q2 and the Cats scored a TD after 9 minutes, 3-7. The Als were 2 & gone, another TD for the Cats, 3-14. Harris was mugged again and the Cats got a FG from it, and they kicked another to close the half at 3-20 after making an interception.
   After an exchange of punts in Q3, the Als made 3rd & 3 to the TC 28 and Harris fired a TD pass on the next play, 10-20. Lots of sacking & punting into Q4. The Als challenged but didn't get a clear case of DPI. The Cats challenged a fumble of a punt return, got no yards in their favour and went on to a FG, 10-23 with 3 minutes left.
   The match was effectively over then. The Als went out on downs @ the TC 9 with 1:38 left. The Cat ate clock by running around in their end zone to concede a safety instead of punting, 12-23. Then they inflicted a 3rd down sack on the Als. The end.

rageThe Xtinctionists reckon they are going to mobilize and train 3.5% of the UK population next year. That's 2.3 million boides smashing up buildings, vandalizing with paint & other means, and getting in the way.
   All of which leaves us asking who is paying for the Xtinctionists to cause all this damage to propery and the economy and the future of our society? China? Putin$tan? Both of them?

Far Queue symbolThe RAF will be going carbon neutral in 2040, which means the wonks @ the Ministry of Defence flushing even more taxpayers' money down their drain.

Be AdvisedEight units of alcohol in 4 small glasses of wine per week will give you dementia, a buch of Xperts of the miserable git tendency have announced to cheer us up as the Festering Season approaches.

markerIs claiming that the latest Bond epic, which took $725 million after its global launch, is going to lose $100 million, the prelude to some sort of tax dodge. Because it sure sounds like it is.

Bandits should be banned
You have to be a really nasty bastard control freak to take over a nation of overseas aid junkies with your drug dealer's army and sit in the presidential palace, enjoying your drug money lifestyle, whilst the foreign aid dries up and the rest of the country drops to pieces around you.

markerPong Index Pings
Market research Xperts are using perfume sales as an indicator of whether this Festering Season will be a great success for retailers and the good news for them is that things are looking very positive for the future.

markerShould we really be celebrating a booming economy in Britain? It's really an open invitation to The Universe to grot all over it! Assisted by Sirk Reepy, who would definitely like to see the economy go tits up if he's not in charge of it.

tonguebullet If a running club in Leigh-on-Sea decides not to award metal-alloy medals to those who complete its annual 10 km run, is that 1) cheapskating, 2) a virtuous avoidance of buying 650 medals from China, 3) woke wonkism if they reckon they will award 'sustainable but invisible' medals instead?

German flagAn era ends
Germany is about to bin Angular Mherkel and acquire a traffic-light coalition of greens & crypto-commies to replacel her.
   Cannabis, the new Kanzler has pledged, will become compulsory, the minimum wage will be raised to €20/hour (£8.51) and the voting age will be lowered to 13. Or near offer.


    WEEK 1 

 
Chancellor SnackbulletQ: Why does the Chancellor, Mr. Snack, wear a face mask? Is he showing solidarity with the former holder of his job and now Health Sec., Vajid Javid?
bulletA: In fact, it's in the hope that everyone will forget what he looks like so that he will be able to make good his escape when he has to do a runner after splurging all of the country's cash, plus whatever he was able to borrow, as part of his bid to rival Gordon F. Broon as the worst Chancer of the Exchequer of all time.
reader comment“He'll need to get an ear-bob first!” Model Holmes

UK flagFollowing his splash the cash Boris Budget, Chancellor Snack has been invited to become an associate member of the Football WAGs' Spree Club.
reader comment“There are complaints, mainly from Those People, that the Boris Budgie has shifted the burden of taxation onto the poorest of people. But they are used to doing without and they can cope with it. Rich people aren't and can't. Or won't, if their wealth is portable.” Khali Griboon

marker Birds are learning to avoid Xtinction by not migrating to and from Britain with the seasons. They are realizing that it is a bad idea as they are liable to be turned into chips by a wind farm en route.

CFL logoSNF #2, the Riders in Montreal
The Als made a 3rd & 1 in their own half on the way to a FG half-way through Q1, 0-3. They set up for a FG after a double sack on Shiltz in their next drive, procedure, punt instead. Q2 started with the 3rd sack on Fajardo! The Als were sacked out of FG range after a couple of punts. Purifoy returned a pick to midfield, the Riders advanced to FG range, Powell in for a TD from the 3, 7-3 at half time.
   Defences continued to rule in Q3. The Riders kicked a FG after 9 minutes, 10-3. The Als failed to make 3rd & 1 and put the Riders @ their 29. 2 & FG, 13-3. T. Harris, moved from Edmonton, took over from Shiltz in Q4. He nearly made an end zone TD pass, FG instead, 13-6. Same story at the other end, 16-6.
   The Riders inflicted a sack when the Alouettes went for a 3rd & 2; nothing from it. Harris rushed to the red zone, TD for Lewis, 16-14 with 1:26 left. A short kick off was fielded by Williams, the Riders were sacked to a FG, 19-14 with 52 seconds left. Another SK sack, the Als went out on downs and the Roughriders are now in the playoffs.

reader comment“After Black History month, what's November? Rhubarb Growing or something of equal lack of relevance to most of us?” Tempel Owls
reader comment“Going on and on about something is actually a great way to put people off it. Maybe they should make this International Be A Smoker month and plug it to the same degree!” Rah Beenood

Romiley lamp signtick symbol Romiley Fisheries is delighted to share the good news that no one who eats 2 tins of their deluxe sardines per day has ever caught a noticeable dose of the Chinese plague or tested positive for a symptomless version.
   That's on top of the much advertised and medically recognized health benefits from eating oily fish, of course.

Ladykiller bug


Murdering Monster Weekend @ Romiley Theme Park
November 6th & 7th, noon till 10 p.m.
Challenges + Events + Spectacles

All ages and peculiarities catered for
B there or B somewhere else


marker“If you don’t like these principles, I have lotz more”
Clueless Clegg Is failed Liberal politician Calamity Clegg on the verge of adding a new major failure to his CV of Disaster?
   There are rumours flying around that his $300M per annum + $80M mansion non-job as VP of Global Affairs & Comms. was created so that all the blame for FakeBuk [now called Feta, Ed.] & its cohorts failing to do anything about online hate & criminals using the services could be dumped on old Clueless, putting the mega-rich boss, Mr. Sugarhill, in the clear.

skull 2sneezeTaking the H out of NHS
Should people who don't believe in the medical benefits of vaccination and won't have shots of the Chinese plague vaccine be working for the NHS and putting customers or other members of staff who deal with customers @ risk?
   Or does the 'uman bluddy right to diversity trump all other considerations, no matter how sensible?
   Looks a lot like the people in charge of the NHS go for the latter.

Be Advised If you are feeling hard done by, take comfort from the news that there is no 'climate emergency', there is just BS Warmist propaganda.
   The real emergency is one of boneheaded & dishonest government & local council bosses coming up with scams of no benefit to the customer because they are there only to shove cash into official pockets to be wasted on more scams like H2S & heat pumps.

Scribble McGibblehatman + + + CON-job chaos for BeanFeasters on opening day + + + Endless queues, hours long + + + Sleepy Joe gets in but nods off + + + Bookies take a beating on that! + + + H.M. The Queen tells BeanFeasters to get the hell on with it [only rather more politely, Ed.] + + + Ticketless Greenhouse Grotter reduced to incoherent harangue @ mob of Xternal idlers with no jobs to go to + + +

Romiley Space AuthorityThe only frontier is one of imagination
The Chandra X-Ray Telescope is giving NASA's customers all sorts of Xcuses to invent new wild & woolly objects in space.
   The latest is a maybe, might, cudda-be exoplanet in the galaxy M51, which is 28,000,000 light years from ours.
   There might be a neutron star or a black hole orbiting a companion in M51, and there might be a planet the size of Saturn orbiting the neutron star or black hole at twice Saturn's distance from our Sun. Or not.

BorisNothing hurts like the truth
President Boris is right when he says plastic can be recycled only a limited number of times. The polymer chains degrade with each heat heating & reforming cycle and the recycled bulk needs to be topped up with virgin plastic to provide the required properties.
   It's something that keeps a smile on the faces of producers of plastics but it's not a popular revelation with those making a mint out of recyclo as it grots somewhat on their virtue-flagging.

CFL logoSNF #1, the Lions in Misty, Murky, Wet T’ronno
BC were stopped early by a pick, FG from it, 0-3. The Argos made 3rd & 2 in their next drive to a TD, 0-10. The Lions replied with a TD after 14 minutes, Michael to Burnham, 7-10. Buckets of fouls by the other lot kept the Lions going to a TD for Rhymes in Q2, Halloween zombie act, 14-10.
   BC did some fouling then sacked the Argos to a FG, 14-13. A long FG for the Argos made it 14-16 @ half time. An Argo punt produced a rouge in Q3. Another long FG put them 14-20 up in the 10th minute. The BC defence scored a TD from a tipped pass, 21-20. The Argos got to & goal but were sacked to a FG in Q4, 21-23.
   An FG try by the Lions missed for a rouge in the rain with 5 minutes left, 22-23. Offside gave the Lions a 3rd & 5 but a long FG try was blocked in the last minute. The Argos punted. BC were at the TA 37 with 7 seconds left. A FG trom from the 30 missed for a rouge. 23-all and O/T!!
   DPI in goal helped the Argos to a TD, they added +2, 23-31. The Lions also scored a TD but they couldn't manage +2. 29-31 final. Phew, Gov, worra roller coaster!

UK flagIf CON-Job BF achieves anything at all in the way of positives, it will be telling the rest of the world which BeanFeasters are ignoring Warmist alarmism in their own commercial interests and who to blame when the 'uman race goes Xtinct in 2069.
reader comment“Maybe we should put a black obelisk somewhere prominent for when visiting aliens arrive too late to save us and start wondering what went wrong.” Budget Wasp
reader comment“Or maybe just a statue of Greenhouse Grotter?” Beau Nafides
reader comment“Quote of the CON-job: 'We can have as many Greenhouse Grotters as we want but nothing useful will come from them.' Sad but true.” Fran Tastiq
reader comment“Are we really Xpected to believe that her doctors order The Queen around? And it's not: 'I humbly suggest, ma'am' to avoid 'Orf with his head!'?” Lin O'Leum

Scribble McGibbleUK flagThe message to the CON-job BF has to be that The Planet is a dynamic system and if people choose to settle in places which can be overwhelmed by changes, that is their responsibility, not that of people who live in more sensible places.

Far Queue symbolThe message to the BeanFeasters, the BLAME Bunch and their ilk is that seeking to impose their prejudices and defects on people who don't share them never has a good outcome

tick symbol The obfuscators have done such a brilliant job that no one will ever be able to tell if what happened at this latest CON-job made any sort of impact on The Planet's climate.

first class stampreader comment“Why are all these junketeers arseing about in Glasgow ['coz they is just freeloading scumbagz? Ed.] when they could give the job of saving The Planet to Prince Hairy & Mhegan the Merciless and sit back, as they always do, until it's time to take their share of the credit for someone else's achievement?” Semi Lina

bulletQ: Why isn't CON-job BF being done by remote video to cut out all the pollution of travelling?
bulletA: Because the nutters don't want to be sidelined by someone with a mute button!

markerBeginning to see the light
Some Tory back-benchers are starting to get the message that adapting to genuine climate change is sensible and making noises about stopping it is a waste of time. Now, if they can just be taught to tell genuine change from Warming BS and drama queen hysterics, we might make some progress.

bulletQ: What do you get if you send malicious messages to Labour's scumbucket monitor A. Rayner?
bulletA: A suspended sentence (but not from a lamp post) rather than the thanks of a grateful nation.

markerSNAFU
It's cheaper for water companies to dump raw sewage in rivers than to process it to make it harmless? Then the fines for dumpage need to be elevated to eye-watering levels with a solid cap on permitted charges to customers. But try getting any government department to do something that quick & sensible.

Far Queue symbol Killer Couzens is planning to cram more cash into the pockets of the legal trade with an appeal against his whole life sentence for the murder of S .Everard.
reader comment“Shame he can't be given something more on top when the appeal is binned, like whole life with hard labour, to put him in touch with reality.” Crystal Dilithium
reader comment“Shame he doesn't have to pay for the appeal and get a refund only if it's granted by some dotty old judge.” Backpack Jones

markerBlack History Month doesn't seem to have corrected the claim that B. O'Bummer was Ameriqua's first black president, which is only half correct.

tick symbol Former Daily Telegraph boss C. Black has come up with an interesting distinction. Jail is somewhere they put the town drunk. He reckons that he, a much superior being, was in prison for fraud.

masked BorisbulletQ: What did President Boris mean by saying the 'fight' against gorbal warmage is in the same state as being 1-5 down @ half time in a football match?
bulletA: Translation—You have no chance of winning and you might as well leave 20 minutes before the end of the match to try to beat the rush to the car parks.
   That bit about civilization collapsing like the Roman empire with the Chinese barbarians @ the gates of Rome was a dead giveaway.
bulletQ: So the message is keep on posturing even if you know it's futile?
bulletA: Pretty much. The Last Chance Saloon is about to shut up shop and we can all relax. We're doomed.

Far Queue symbol Archbish of Cantab plays Nazi card against CON-job non-attenders & non-cut-backers? Like China & India & Putinstan? Phew, Gov!!

bulletQ: How does President Boris know we're @ one minute to midnight away from Climate Doombuggery?
bulletA: Scary Carrie told him?
[The actual official guesstimate is 100 seconds from midnight. But it's probably no closer to reality than Boris' version. Ed.]

bulletQ: How serious is the Daily Mail about Climate Doom?
bulletA: On Monday, the front page started with Boris doing a doomy message, which was continued on page 4, so not very, especially as page 2 was an advert and page 3 was all about P. McCartney's Halloween bash.

bulletQ: If Boris was saying "get serious today because it will be too late tomorrow" on Monday and it's Wednesday now, does that mean we're either saved or doomed and we can all relax either way?
bulletA: Applying logic to politics doesn't work.

cross symbol As universally predicted, NS&I Green Bonds are a swindle. They pay 0.65% annual interest for a 3-year fix @ a time when 1.51% pa for an 18-month bond and 1.81% pa for 3-year bonds are on offer by alternative providers.

bullet President Boris to order MoD to deploy Navy ships to sink French trawlers which invade UK waters if MacRon the Maniac continues to make trouble?
reader comment“They could also sink the migrants the French send over here. Or bung them onto French trawlers before they get the bum's rush back where they came from!” Bengal Evans

Inked squatterThe Real People strike back with the Devil’s Music!
Far Queue symbol Roadway squatters are now facing the twin hazards of being squirted with ink and being deafened by relentless bagpipe music from buskers.
   Decent members of the public are being encouraged to come up with further methods of proportionation to inflict upon these idle moochers.
   Police forces everywhere are outraged by being shown up further as totally useless @ dealing with the pests and enraged by being unable to arrest the retaliators, but not the moochers, due to mobs of photographers from Her Majesty's Press, who are busy recording moocher misery.
reader comment“That's defintely putting the 'ink' into inkremental. And also the 'mental'.” Lionel Barrier

tick symbol Sir P. Vallance, the government's chief science advisor, has cracked the climate 'emergency'. All our nation has to do is eat less meat and fly less, and everything will be okay. All the Boris Green Bollocks Scams are a waste of time & money, and totally unaffordable, and won't work anyway.

face maskToday’s Short Story:
"Angelina, who was only one foot nine inches tall at the age of 18, decided to become a microbiologist."

look rightbulletThe acting person A. Jolly, with what looks like the Periodic Table of Elements tattooed on her back, can now be described only as tatty.

bulletQ: Have we left it too late to save The Earth?
bulletA: Actually, no. The Xtinction of 'umans will do it a power of good.

bulletQ: Someone couldn't get through to their GP despite ages on hold, someone somewhere else did it in minutes. What does that prove?
bulletA: Absolutely BF all.

bulletToday’s Treat: Caramelized cabujos with optional rum crackers

Scribble McGibblerageIt comes as no surprise to learn that discarded UK PM Gordon F. Broon is @ the CON-job BeanFeast demanding that everyone with 2 pennies to rub together coughs them up.
   It's just the same old, same old policy of reckless spending on pointless frivolities, which failed so disastrously under his clunking fist. It didn't work in the Twenty-noughties and it still ain't gonna work now.

first class stampcross symbol With businesses effectively locked out of Glasgow as roads & public transport are unavailable to staff, the CON-job BeanFeast is threatening to bankrupt Scotland's First City—with the active encouragement of Wee Burney Sturgeon.
reader comment“One hypersonic Chinese missle landing on Glasgow this week will wipe out so many moochers that The Planet may well be saved from catastrophe @ a stroke!” Boot McGoot
reader comment“The main aim of the CON-job BeanFeasters seems to be to prevent deBoristation and thus let him go on with his dosh-wasting Green Bollocks Scams.” D. Hedge-Grower
reader comment“Climate hyperbole should be made a capital offence. Especially claims that Nature itself is being wiped out.” Darnold Buck
first class stampreader comment“If countries becoming Developed has caused the 'climate emergency', why are the Developeds being asked to help Developing countries to the same state? Especially as this will just make things worse. They should be stopping Developing countries dead in their tracks as an immediate & urgent measure. Or is that too logical?” Furz Ackerley

Far Queue symbol If you see a dosser in a doorway in Glasgow, it could well be a CON-job BF 'delegate', who couldn't afford to shell out a grand per night for a hotel!

bulletToday’s Unexpected Info: Artistic paper-folding was invented by the Romans in what is now Latvia, which explains why they built the name of the local capital, Riga, into origami, their name for paper shapes.

look leftNot an infinite licence
Okay, Sir D. Attenborough is a saintly icon but he does himself no favours with his reckless hyperbole. There is no threat to life on Earth. Whatever the climate does, life will continue to flourish in one form or another. Living organisms have been around long enough to become pernicious.

eyes Having scoffed all the rats & earthworms in their country during the famines of the 1990s, North Koreans are now munching black swans, which are raised for their ornamental qualities. And also because they are supposed to have medicinal properties.

markerRecycle, recycle
Putinstan is locking up so many political dissenters that gaols which were repurposed in the 1990s following the collapse of formal communism are having to be brought back into service for all the people who dislike Putin the Poisoner.
   The situation is not helped by his Blessed Vladness insisting that the families of dissenters must be locked up as well as his opponents themselves.

Politics is preventing US intelligence agencies from declaring that the Chinese plague came from the lab in Wuhan, where experiments were taking place on it or observations being made of its properties.
   The Xperts are agreed that the Chinese did not produce it by deliberate genetic engineering but they are not being allowed to say that it was allowed to escape through sloppy biosecurity to avoid upsetting the waxworks in Peking too much.

The head of Glasgow council would have us believe that streets filled with rubbish & rats is the new normal for cities everywhere, plague or no plague, which makes the Glasgow rubbish dump nothing special & perfectly acceptable, and yah, boo, sucks to the customers paying her wages.

Even Stevenage
There are persistent rumours that Glasgow residents with thick gloves are rounding up rats, intending to torment them and get them good and mad before hurling them at anyone foolish enuff to glue a body part to a roadway and make themself a sitting target.

Revealed The GPs trade union is claiming a historic victory over the government with regard to its plans to publish league tables of face-to-face consultations with customers. Those GPs who don't do it won't be 'named & shamed', they will just be named. But customers will still be able to decide if those in the foothills of the table have been shamed.

thumbs downNot totally indispensable
Breakfast TV & radio shows have lost billions of audience members due to the Chinese plague as those Skiving @ Home tend not to get up much before lunchtime.
   The road back to the habit is expected to be long and slow.

tick symbolThe Honorable Guild of Cigarette Smugglers is seeking National Treasure status following Chancellor Snack's being Boris Bumped into whacking a massive 88p in Xtra tax on a packet of 20.
furthermore . . . Another reason why Mr. Snack is wearing a mask—it's the traditional garb of the pocket-picker. His 3p off a pint of some beers in about 18 months' time will be swallowed up by a price rise of around 30p/pint by February 2023 due to increased costs.
bulletMr. Snack's cut in the tax on domestic air travel and a reduction in the cost of airline Green Bollocks delusions will be recouped through a fiscal swindle—from higher taxes paid by electricity generating companies for their Green Bollocks delusions, as there is only a fixed number of licences available to the highest bidder, and you need to have a licence or go out of business.
reader comment“On the other hand, there will be politicians dangling from inactive lamp posts if the lights go out 'coz the electricity generators think carrying on is too much hassle.” Malc Ontent

bullet The NHS has decided to stop telling customers with chronic fatigue syndrome to get on their exercise bike.

BonquersCON-job BeanFeasters are being driven around in electric Jags, which are recharged using diesel generators brought to the area for just this purpose. Staggeringly high on the green hippocrisy scale!

reader comment“If Ringo Starkie really did chug 16 bottles of vino per day, he must have spent all the time he wasn't boozing in the bog, peeing it out. Such are the lives of the rich & famous!” Rev O'Lting,

G.F. BroonbulletQ: Why is Gordon F. Broon moaning at us for not vaccinating the rest of the world rather than going on at China, which gave everyone the plague in the first place?
bulletA: Because he's Gordon F. Broon?
reader comment“And he hates the ungrateful nation that dumped him out of the PM's job and all those chances to junket round the world?” Labi Rinth

bulletQ: How long is it going to take the newspapers to get over The Queen going to hospital without phoning them with a full explanation of why, where and for how long?
bulletA: They probably won't.

clunking cointhumbs downMost Pointless Grotter Slogan of the week:
"You can't breathe money"
The trouble is, these days you can't get the quality of protester you used to get back in the 20th century. This is especially true if today's yoof idlers in Glasgow think gorbal warmage is going to make them run out of the air wot they breeve.

cone markermarkerThe Grotters are planning to sabotage the CON-job and put it into a state of chaos. This is the meeting that's supposed to be about 'repairing' the climate? And stopping it dead in its tracks is supposed to make sense?
reader comment“It obviously makes sense to the wonk tendency. Which makes creating a devastated The Planet for them to grot about on in the manner of the shattered hulks in an SF B-Movie an act of social justice.” Bree Sample

Be Advised If you hear a steady clink, clink, clink noise, that's the alibis slotting into place around the film set where some clown put a loaded gun into the hands of an actor, who was supposed to pull the trigger harmlessly but who shot dead one of the crew and injured another with a single bullet.

military bone helmetThe waxworks @ the MoD and the boss of the Life Guards regiment have been shamed into providing military pall bearers for the funeral of D. Hutchings, a former soldier who was hounded to his death via a dose of the Chinese plague by the IRA fan-club prosecution system in Northern Ireland.
   The shame is even greater on account of the bludgeoning required to reverse the initial 'get lost' reaction and the willingness of former soldiers to line the streets on the funeral day.

markerFinally, President Boris has shown some backbone in dealing with the French over the issue of letting them fish British waters. Satellite tracking data has confirmed that French fishermen have been lying about their history in an attempt to blag licences, which puts us on the moral high ground.
[For all the good it will do us. Ed.]

The BBC is having an impartiality revolution, the new management reckons, and the Bias Buggers will get the sack?
   We'll believe that when we see it.
p.s. Not holding our breff.

markerIt just gets worse
HOT Madagascar has a crap climate. It's a crap place to live. But that hasn't stopped the Warmists from almost claiming that the lack of rain was engineered deliberately by people living in more sensible places [which excludes California, Ed.] and that the Madagascans are victims of man-made gorbal warmage and entitled to compenbloodysation. 'Coz that's the sort of swindling fraudsters the Warmists are.

bulletQ: What happens if you put science in the hands of the iggorant, e.g. the editor of the Daily Mail?
bulletA: CO2 becomes Co2.


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tree manAmazing Fact Keeping the lights on in the Untied States by using biomass in power stations to cycle carbon into the atmosphere and out again would require the Yanks to turn 380,000 square miles of their territory over to production of the necessary biomass.
   This would involve chucking everyone out of California, Washington State, New York State, Pennsylvania & Florida and turning them over to the biomass industry.
   Creaky Joe is reputed to think this is something that would work.

Amazing Fact If all the electric car ambitions of every country in the world are achieved, that will reduce the mean gorbal temperature by 0.0001 deg.C by the year 2100, the International Energy Agency reckons.

Really Bloody Daft IdeaDoing anything about climate change with current technology is almost impossible, which means that politicians are a) tinkering about aimlessly at the edges and b) lying about what they can achieve.

Really Bloody Daft IdeaFYI—The Mr. Sugarhill anti-social meeja publishers are now rebranded as Feta, Iota & Wogga.

bullet What Britain needs right now is a firm DeBoristation agenda.

silver coinSurprise! The Talibandits have thrust out the hand not holding a Kalashnikov clone seeking cash to make Afghanistan greener—i.e. more Islamist?
reader comment“No danger of their sticking the free hand in the pocket containing their drug money and fishing some of that out?” Encapsule A. Ted

Sleaze is back in Westmonster! ** REJOICE **
reader comment“Yup! There's nothing the "holier than thou" hippocrites love more than pretending to be holier.” Rev. O'Lting
reader comment“Whatever you think about the way standards are enforced in the House of Common Criminals, it's still the inmates marking their own homework a lot of the time, aided (sometimes) by a 'commissioner' who doesn't seem to have much idea about evidence-gathering.” Prodigality Stevens
reader comment“Mr. P.A. Terson clearly reckons he didn't get a fair trial and a fair hanging, or any attempt to provide either. But he's gone now and it will be business as usual again.” Anne O'Raq
reader comment“Mr. Terson's problem is that he used the standards of conduct which were the then normal of the corrupt blair labour era.” Dr. Noah Predicter
reader comment“Note to the hyperbolists—you can't get further into the gutter than in the gutter.” Hydrogen Tiny

CFL logoFriday Nite #1 in Grey Cup host Hamilton
The Lions made a shambles of fielding the kick off but kept the ball, they made 3rd & 1 @ midfield and went on to a FG. The Cats got to 3rd & inches @ the BC 3, procedure, FG instead of a try for the goal, 3-all. The Lions gave up a safety in Q2 and the Cats extended their lead to 3-8 with a FG. A long TC FG try fell short but Speedy B went in for a TD in the last minute, 3-15 at the half.
   The Cats got close in Q3 but just a FG. 3-18. A TD run by Butler put the Lions just 9-18 down. The PAT missed. They kicked a FG in Q4. The Cats replied with a TD. 12-26. Reilly went in for a TD from the TC 1, the PAT missed, 18-26, 1:18 left. A short kick off went to the Cats. They went 2 & out. Reilly tried a hurl & hope as the clock ran out—no cigar.

cone markerShockHorror Some schools are teaching the customers that the police are a colonialist, rachelist organization created to persecute migrants and promote white privilege.
   Looks like the 5th Column is alive & well and thriving in schools.
   So much for Education, Education, Education.

cross symbol The latest Boris Green Bollock Scam is making firms come up with a zero-carbon plan, which will have bugger all effect on the climate of The Planet as long as China & India & Putinstan do nothing.
   We are still Not The Problem.

eyes Is it news that the Ministry of Defence has wasted BILLIONs on stuff that doesn't work? Or course, it isn't. The whole crew there are totally & completely useless and always will be, seems like. Same for the crew running the NHS.

markerDeeper into the Diversity Dustbin
Ofqual, the exam regulator, wants exam papers simplified for the benefit of schoolkids who don't understand English. Hard questions should also be put at the end of an exam paper to avoid demotivating migrants, who will be assumed not to be able to get that far.

CFL logoFriday Nite Part 2 in Edmonton
Edmonton Antlers helmetThe Antlers punted away their opener but got the ball right back via a pick. Nothing from it but they got a FG from their next possession. 0-3. The Riders made it 3-all after 5 minutes and went ahead with a rouge from a punt. A monster pass to EA territory was followed by a TD pass, the PAT missed, 10-3.
   A challenge by the Riders in the red zone in Q3 flopped, FG, 13-3. They added 2 more for 19-3. Finally, a TD for the Ants in Q4, no +2, 19-9. The Ants managed another TD in the last 3 minutes. No +2 but DPI in goal gave them another shot, 19-17. A short kick off went to the Roughriders, game over. The Antlers are now winless @ home.
reader comment“Do they need to bring the Eskimos back to Edmonton because the Antlers don't do much winning? Just a thought.” Bradley Lunch

clunking coinmarkerDo’ne arsk me, mate!
The Bank of England crew has announced that it has no idea how much of the predicted rise in the inflation rate to 5% will be due to domestic stuff and how much will be global.
   Thus they will be sitting on their hands until they know what's going on or until the government starts booting them into doing something, if only something cosmetic.

hello!Far Queue symbol Wee Burney Sturgeon has a case of the hump as big as all outdoors because she has no role at the CON-job BeanFeast, not being a head of state, Just like Foulmouth Grotter, who has had to resort to shoving the work 'fuck' into her rants to get noticed. Shame.

marker90% of doctors reckon a phone consultation doesn't match a face-to-face consultation with a customer. If so, why are their trade union's bosses so keen to do everything by remote control?
reader comment“Maybe it's because the union is run by nasty bastards who hate the common pleb customers.” Stayson Bernard

postage stampbulletAs of this month, the Chinese government's plague has reduced the world's 'uman population by 5,000,000.
bulletThe Secretary of the UN, General A. Guerres, called it a 'global shame'.
reader comment“Not a Chinese one? You can tell who's in charge @ the UN. And that they're not bothered about making it blatantly obvious.” Scalp Team Leader

bullet The Forest & Bird Society of New Zealand has voted to make their Bird of the Year for 2021 . . . the local long-eared bat.
   What the selection committee was smoking at the time has not been disclosed

    WEEK 2 

 
cone markerFar Queue symbol "How does making air travel more attractive help The Planet?" asks a wiseguy. Maybe the two are not connected, Mr. Guy.

cross symbol 40 countries represented @ the Glasgow CON-job are going to give up coal eventually, but nowhere important like China, India, Putinstan & the USA.
   So just empty words, the usual rigmarole.
reader comment“So what we're going to get is China burning godzillions of tons of coal to make wind turbines, which these other countries will install and pretend they're saving the modern dinosaurs? The same old, same old hippocrisy, in fact. Wunderbar.” Bickie Tin

baseball hatThe TV menu offered the following description: "Action from the Canadian Football League as Winnipeg Jets host Montreal Canadiens at MTS Centre"
   Has someone been janking someone else's crank?
   A TSN plug for "Hockey for Tuesday" during the match cleared up the mystery. The Jets & the Canadiens are ice hockey teams.
CFL logoSaturday Nite #2 way out West
The Alouettes started in Winnipeg with Trevor Harris (ex-Antlers) @ QB. A high snap when they had to punt and a shambles put the Blue Bombers @ their 33 and on the way to a TD in the 7th minute. A BB fumble at the start of their next drive handed the Als a pick-6 and 7-all.
   The Bombers went ahead with a FG in Q2, and missed a FG try for a rouge, 7-11. The Als replied with a TD with 3 minutes to go. The Bombers kicked a FG in the last minute, 14-all at the half. A TD in the 3rd minute of Q3 put the Als 21-14 ahead.
   The Bombers got level again after 10 minutes and went ahead with a TD in the first minute of Q4. 21-28. A pick by the BB gave them a FG and a 21-31 lead. And when the Bombers, who own Q4 this season, made another interception, that settled the Als' hash.

cone markersilver coin Want your name on an Oxford college?
   Got £155 MILLION in your hip pocket?
Kerching!
   That will do the job.
Having a gang of dancing girls in red & yellow bikinis and red stockings on the books also helps.
Be Advised BFN wishes to announce that we shall not be making any multi-million pound donations to universities to avoid embarrassing the poor suckers.
reader comment“lineker College @ Oxo has binned gary in favour of a rich Vietnamese lady? How are the mighty (well, in their own minds, at any rate) cancelled.” Nigo Austry

pants manfirst class stampMighty undermined, and like that
Commentary by Christ Bryant, MP?
   Sounds important.
Chairman of the Commons Standards Committee.
   Wow!
But hang on . . .
   Isn't he Captain Underpants, who put pictures of himself in his underwear on the interweb?
   Credibility shot to bitz.

Reality Denied or Know Your Role
Tory MPs are moaning that President Boris used them as cannon fodder in his efforts to get a fair deal for binned MP P.A. Terson.
   But that's exactly what they are—a blunt instrument which gets government policy through the House of Common Criminals.
   Always have been, always will be.

Romiley Space AuthorityBe Advised Make sure you go before you head for home in a SpaceX capsule, trippers returning from the International Space Station are being told.
   Fawlty plumbing on Mr. Musk's space vehicles has left passengers facing the prospect of wading in wee if they dare to use the toilet facilities.
tick symbol According to Mr. J.B. Zos, the Amazon honcho, the only way to get a perspective on The Planet is to be blasted into space on his phallic rocket for a couple of minutes.
   Ever the smart businessman, J.B. Kerching!

cone markerbulletQ: What's a good way to upset the EFU and Bremoaners?
bulletA: Label the ingredients in a food product which come from other sources as 'non-EU' to satisfy EFU country-of-origin naming requirements.

The award for the Snivellingest Bastards of 2021 goes to . . .
The EFU threatens a trade war if the UK uses an article in a treaty agreed with the EFU? That amounts to: "We recognize that it is perfectly legal for you to do this but we'll commit the criminal act of shooting you if you do."
   No wonder we got out of this poisonous & corrupt shambles.

bulletQ: Who's to blame for hospital A&E departments sagging under the strain?
bulletA: GPs not seeing customers face-to-face, Health Sec. Vajid Javid has revealed. So now we kno.

Far Queue symbol Wee Burney Sturgeon has ordered other politicians to put their ego aside in Glasgow. Presumably, to allow more room for hers to expand.

Booblinereader comment“While Sirk Reepy and the other Opposition trough-scoffers were moaning about President Boris' efforts to give a fair trial & a fair hanging to the former MP P.A. Terson, a Labour MP got a 10 week suspended gaol sentence for threatening to do an acid attack on someone she had the hump with. Are Sirk Reepy's bunch any better than the Tories? Nope.” Super Kuff
reader comment“One does get the impression that all those claiming that Parliament has suddenly got sleazy are in the pay of tony b. liar and trying to pretend that corrupt new labour and the Mandelsleaze Episode never happened.” Busted Al Cole
reader comment“President Boris is definitely guilty of the heinous crime of loyalty to a colleague. Something which Labour, obviously, will fail to understand. Especially the envious socialists who would never dream of having a good word to say about their country.” Dor Korder

rageAnother new normal
bulletQ: How do you wreck a sporting pro's post-playing career?
bulletA: Claim, without offering any proof, that he said something ray-sist 30 years ago, knowing that Those People will stick him in the bin right away as an exercise in virtue-flagging.

Bombshell The Chinese regime is claiming that it intends to waste vast amounts of the customers' dosh on building hundreds of nucular missles—700 or so of them—which it could never use without turning The Planet, including China, into a radioactive desert.
   Another example of the brain-rotting properties of absolute power?

cone markerFar Queue symbol How bad are things in Burneystan? A primary school in Edinburgh is insisting that boys and male teachers wear skirts in the name of equality. And offering to lend skirts to boys with no sisters.
   Perverted, or what!
bullet The Real Education campaign described it, with lethal accuracy, as adults foisting their own anxieties off on kids.

markerHow demic can you get?
The Department of Health has decided to make vaccination against the Chinese plague compulsory for its staff. But after the pandemic is over. Which Prof. J. Van-Tam, the government's deputy medical honcho, reckons could be by the spring of 2022.

Far Queue symbol Our Message To MacRon: We have nothing to offer you but a smack in the gob with a wet fish.
reader comment“MacRon must respect the fact of Brexit or get his fish elsewhere. We have more nukes than him.” Excess Bicep

Far Queue symbol Do we blame the parents for putting the 'rotter' into F**K-B*CK*T GR*TT*R?
Is that the silly kid's alibli?

Scribble McGibblemarkerCON-job Triumph
All the countries which aren't wrecking The Planet through their use of coal are going to ban it.
   Those which are—China, India, Putinstan, USA, etc.—aren't.
   CON, or what!
baseball hatChina is hoovering up coal from all over The Planet to combat national power shortages and frequent blackouts everywhere unimportant. And bugger all the BS about cutting CO2 emissions.

Gobstopping
The Chancellor, Mr. Snack, does Mission Impossible in Bury?

Scribble McGibblebulletQ: How much damage has been done to The Planet by 40,000 BeanFeasting Grotters descending on Glasgow?
bulletA: The damage is probably terminal. But they can always go to Mr. Musk's colony on Mars for the 2024 BeanFeast and get busy with the task of wrecking another planet.

sunBS Baffles Brains
Bin the 1.5 deg.C target limit rise in global temperatures, which was just some BS out of a defective program on a computer anyway.
   Substitute 1.9 deg.C. Just as BS but it also has that vital decimal point to make it seem scientific. Then reduce it to 1.8 deg.C as a gesture of cheerfulness. Job done.

Far Queue symbol The world's biggest vehicle manufacturers have declined an opportunity to sign up to President Boris' planned ban on the sale of new petrol- & diesel-engine vehicles.

Scribble McGibblegreen carWant an electric car? Not if you're poor, mate. A shortage of the metals used in batteries; Li, Ni, Co, etc.; means that the price of the vehicles is going to soar to at least double the cost of a car which uses a petroleum-based fuel.
   That's a vehicle which has a much greater range between refuelling stops and a significantly greater number of places where more fuel is available.
[BP's diesel is currently £1.50 a litre in Romiley. There are still people around who think that's a totally outrageous price for a gallon of fuel. Ed.]

Silly story of last week:
reader comment“Why would anyone hack the Labour party? It's not as if anyone significant belongs to it.” Grinnan Berit

clunking coinbulletBookies are getting nervous about having to pay out big bucks to all those who bet that every single one of the energy billing companies will collapse thanks to the gas price carnage inflicted by Put the Vladin's shenannygoats with wholesale supplies.

bullet The amount of taxpayers' dosh handed to civil servants to create Skive @ Home offices is estimated at £42.31 MILLION.

bulletQ: What's the price of releasing one Scottish trawler which was hijacked by the French?
bulletA: 95 licences for our waters issued to swindling French fish-hooverers.
Do Not Buy French, Not Never Ever

fantasticAnything we can do . . .
A farmer in New Zealand has captured the record for the world's biggest spud. At 17 lbs 3 oz it dwarfs the current record-holder; a Britisch spud weighing 10 lbs 14 oz found back in 2011.

bulletQ: How much do you pay a publisher to do a book of Wee Burney Sturgeon's political speeches?
bulletA: £300K of English taxpayers' dosh (allegedly).

marker73% of modern schoolkids & snoflakes in the age range 16-28 think G. Fawkes is famous for inventing either fireworks or . . . forks.

bulletQ: How do you get away with stealing £70K via a will fraud & stay out of gaol?
bulletA: Be the mother of 6 kids.

WTFHUniversities will be closed for a couple of weeks shortly whilst the staff go on strike to do their Xmas shopping in good time and before everything runs out due to supply problems.
furthermore . . .A think tank thinks that universities which offer Mickey Mouse degree courses should pay the tuition fees borrowed by students who never earn enough to become liable to pay them back. Some £45K on average with the interest charges added on.

bulletQ: What's a good excuse for a trade union to stop giving cash to the non-Corbynstein Labour party?
bulletA: Claim Sirk Reepy has no connection with people who work.
[Especially when they're on strike? Ed.]

Bonquers It's enough to make a cat laugh. There is now a DogTV channel for doggies to watch whilst their master is out—working or not skiving @ home—so that the pet can avoid becoming anxious.

markerPutting doors on supermarket fridges will cut the UK electric bill by a huge amount, we are assured.
reader comment“What, like the ones already on the freezer section cupboards & bins in our local Aldi?” Nightshy Alma

Scribble McGibbleBe Advised The CON-job in Glasgow has been confirmed to be just that—all the ground-breaking, Earth-shattering promises are just smoke & mirrors and political BS with lotz more holes in them than a second-hand dartboard.
[Quel surprise! Ed.]

CFL logoSaturday Nite #1 The Argos in sunny!! Ottawa
Third & charge by the Argonauts @ the Redblacks' 46? Offside by the defence, how obliging, 2 & FG from the 40, 3-0. The RBs advanced to the other lot's 40 but their FG try missed. But the Argos fumbled a return attempt to them at their 8. 2 & FG, 3-all. Defence to Q2 and a go-ahead FG for the RBs, 3-6.
   2nd & 22 for the Argos? No prize, sacked to a FG, 6-all after 6 minutes. The RBs advanced to the TA 1, charge! to a TD, 6-13. The Argos were stopped by a pick but an RB FG try from the TA 40 missed. The Argos made a FG with a minute left, 9-13 at the half.
   The Q3 kick off was returned for a TD by 17 Dedmon! Challenge denied, 9-20. The Argos replied with a FG, 12-20. Another charge by Dedmon went to the TA 15 but a penalty hauled the RBs all the way back to their own 10. 2 & punt. The RB kicker was short on another FG try. In Q4, the Argos went for 3rd & 1 to the RB 12, TD, +2, 20-all with 10 minutes to go.
   Bash! 3rd & 1 made by the Argos, 2 & FG, 23-20, 3:43 left. After an exchange of punts, the RBs were sacked on a 3rd & 13 with 1:20 left. The Argos had to make a 3rd down before they could go into victory formation to run out the clock. They are the Beast of the East but the home team sure made them work for it.

Sliding further into uselessness
The police standards honcho has vowed to cancel the current macho culture in favour of a wimpo culture.
   Criminals everywhere are applauding the pledge.
reader comment“Someone needs to mention to Prince Hairy that if you pretend to be someone important and you behave like a twat, people will notice.” Tree Kill

skull 1Dental grave-digging? Oh, yes!
If you switch to on the Mediterranean diet, you're doomed, the Xperts now reckon. It is absolutely loaded with toxins compared to what is dismissed as the unhealthy Britisch diet.
   Those who Med it up damage their immune system and they are lucky to live long enuff to retire for a couple of years on what is probatly an inadequate pension anyway.
[So not much harm done? Ed.]

French flagbulletQ: How will lighting up the Empire State Building in New Yawk with red, white & blue lights be seen as a welcome to Britisch tourists after a travel ban lasting over 600 daze?
bulletA: You're not supposed to ask questions like that.
[Especially as they are also the colours of the French flag. Ed.]

markerThe Melanoma Metaphor
Perhaps the most graphic comparison between real life and what the world's BeanFeasters are currently proposing is that their scams will achieve much the same as painting a cosmetic camouflage over a bad case of skin cancer.

Far Queue symbol Ethiopia is set to join Afghanistan on the list of countries driven into a state of ruin by murderous thugs with guns.

face maskToday’s Tall Story:
"Ingrid, who was 9' 8" tall at the age of 13, decided to become an inspector of low bridges."

bulletQ: What is Equality Release?
bulletA: It's a system of offsetting & trading which lets people enjoy sections of their lives untroubled by the moans of control freaks & Those People.
bulletQ: Something really worth having, then?
bulletA: The market is currently enjoying a rocket-booster BOOM! and the country's masochists are piling upon themselves more misery than you can shake a stick at.

first class stampreader comment“If we have a moral duty to behave virtuously, as the pontificators assure us we have, does that entail trying to do things which are beneficial as well as virtuous?
   “Or is pointless waving of virtue flags, as is happening in Glasgow, considered to be quite sufficient?” Two Alley Don
reader comment“Depends whether you're one of the suckers footing the bill for all the flag-waving by Those People.” Anxa Yeti

UK flag The Gov. of the Bank of England reckons that energy prices will remain @ rip-off levels forever thanks to all the Boris Green Bollocks scams.

ShockHorrorCON-job Sensation!!
baseball hatPresident Boris tells the BeanFeasters that climate change is done for and we can all relax and enjoy Xmas without fear.
Phew!
The World offers its humble thanks to our saviour!

bulletQ: If someone steals your house and all its contents via a blatant act of fraud, what will the police do about it?
bulletA: Absolutely bugger all until the owner of the house complains to the meeja and they boot the cops up the arse and shame them into doing the job they're paid to do.

mad pilotreader comment“The main charge against the MP G. Cox seems to be that he made a lot of money from his trade as a lawyer @ the height of the Chinese plague crisis and he was skiving abroad instead of at home. Thus the message from envious socialists is that making money when there's a pandemic going on is somehow in bad taste, which is made worse by going somewhere they can't afford to visit.
   “Not that one can expect anything resembling good sense from the moaners.” Jo Nathan

UK flagCompared to what went on under corrupt blair labour, calling the current outburst over alleged Tory sleaze "a storm in a teacup" is a gross exaggeration. A ripple in a small teaspoon is probably about as close as you can get.
Far Queue symbol President Boris' advisors are getting it in the nexk. But Scary Carrie is probably also getting her share—but by proxy rather than in person, seeing how scary she is.

ShockHorrorSnoflakes are the ones wrecking The Planet. Their trendy trainers, made using non-recyclable plastics, are heading toward overtaking aviation as a producer of greenhouse gases. And as for all the time & resources they consume messing about with phones; well, it's no surprise that the 'uman race is doomed to Xtinction in 2069.

Scribble McGibblebulletQ: What is the actual job of the CON-job BF?
bulletA: Either to give President Boris a stupendous if meaningless political triumph to brag about or to allow him to pin the blame for failure elsewhere.

The Chinese plague has become a bit of a busted flush, terrifying the nation-wise? Bring back the Menacing Microplastics!!
   Jazz things up with a HUGE guess about how many bitz we breathe in every day. Ignore all the other debris in the atmosphere; the bitz of rock and plants and animal hide (including human skin) and insect debris from the zillions of bugs on The Planet.
   Yes, they are much more likely to carry nasty bioorganisms but we're doing a scare about plastics, which are man-made and therefore the Spawn of the Devil.

bulletQ: What should Yorkshire's cricket team do now that it is thoroughly ensleazed with race hatred?
bulletA: Bring down the shutters and go into a permanent tea interval now that people who don't get everything their own way feel entitled to throw a wobbly and demand two hundred grand compenbloodysation.

reader comment“That was an interesting view on TV last night. If you stop D. Attenborough and his ilk from zooming round the world making TV programmes, and ground pointless self-promoters like Prince Hairy & Mhegan the Merciless & politicians, that would get the world into carbon balance and let the rest of us carry on as normal.” Tamord Nual

bulletQ: What's good that comes out of Glasgow and isn't BeanFeaster BS?
bulletA: 1) On the whole, Glaswegians are excellent folk. 2) More satellites are built in Glasgow than in anywhere else outside California & Washington.

first class stampreader comment“Nice to know there is nothing serious going on anywhere in the world. There can't be if the entire nation has turned envious eyes on the money-making activities of just one Tory MP! The spirit of New Labour lives on reincarnated.” Strigh Kwon

markerAs well as promoting international terrorism, Saudia is being accused of promoting the many and varied advantages of gorbal warmage to prevent damage to its wealth-generating oil industry, which pays for the terrorism.


Scribble McGibbleConfederacy Of Pillocks No. 26 a Triumph!!

+ + + President Boris gets the job done!! + + +

Everyone to be virtuous!!

tomorrow . . .


green carreader comment“How green are electric cars really? The enormous lithium batteries are made by extracting the lithium metal from its carbonate, which releases VAST AMOUNTs of trapped carbon into the environment. Green, Schmeen.” Abbo Nibble
bulletEven worse, getting electric cars serviced & repaired can involve huge journeys—on diesel-engined car transporters in the case of breakdowns—as there are nowhere near enough trained mechanics around and there is absolutely no prospect of having enough of them trained up before President Boris makes electric cars compulsory.
[Which is typical government-in-action—setting the nation on course for another disaster whilst waving a virtue flag. Ed.]

markerDreams in ashes
Locko has filled homes with hot tubs, piazza ovens, home gyms and stuff costing thousands of pounds. Which the regretful purchasers are now seeing as cash down the drain 'coz they never use their gadgets now that the novelty has worn off.

cross symbolSome wise person was asking why that primary school in Edinburgh doesn't make the boys wear kilts for their 'being a girl' experience. Maybe, because he/she is English, the wise person doesn't get that kilts are not skirts.

rageSomeone else asked how anyone can deny the efficacy of vaccines if one has nearly eradicated cervical cancer in young women. She is clearly too unwise in the ways of the world to know that there are people around who can come up with a reason for not doing anything at all that's beneficial, no matter how perverse this attitude is.

bulletQ: What do you say to care home staff who feel they were pressured into getting vaccinated against the Chinese plague as a condition of employment?
bulletA: "You're making it all about you rather than admitting you were putting the safety of the people you're supposed to be caring for at risk by not being vaccinated. How caring is that?"

markerThe Untied States have reopened their borders to fully-lacerated travellers?
Sounds weird enough to be true rather than just misheard.

Bagn!markerA war on trade works both ways
The EFU is up in arms. Whilst it has been making noises about tariffs and other penalties to stick it to the Britisch for daring to talk about opting out, quite legally, from the Northern Ireland Protocol, President Boris' minions have been plotting countermeasures.
   The UK opting out of a few EFU research programmes will unKerching! our enemies across the water to the tune of £15 BILLION. The crooks who steal 11.7% of all EFU budgets are aghast.

Surprise! The portrait of the von Trapp family offered in The Sound of Music film & stage show is fiction and paints a totally false picture of the parents.
Surprise! The works of fiction by H. Mantel set during the reign of King Henry VIII and involving his lackey T. Cromwell present an entirely unrealistic picture of what they actually got up to and actually achieved, and they should not be treated as historical reference works.

BorisWhich one is true?

Boris! Ah-hah!
Cleans up the Universe

Boris! Ah-hah!
He’ll screw every one of us

Daffodilsreader comment“We kept hearing people telling us 'This may be our last, best chance' when they were talking about about something environmental @ the Glasgow CON-job. Does Mr. Straczynski, the scriptwriter & Mr. Everything about Babylon 5, get a royalty every time his signature phrase is used? He should.
   “p.s. 'May be' also includes the possibility of 'may not be' and therefore nothing to worry about. Not that the DoomBuggers would every admit that.” Tex Rebate

CFL logoFNF #1 the TiCats in wet & windy T'ronno
Q1 was ruled by the defences. In Q2, the Argos made one FG try and missed another. Lots of sackage going on, Masoli's deep passes to TC receivers were not connecting. A good punt return set up a TD by the Argos in the 14th minute, and they had time to collect a rouge from a punt and a FG before the half ended at 0-14.
   In Q3, the Argos got to the TC 3 but had to kick a FG. The Cats were sacked to a FG and 3-17 in the 13th minute. A pick by the Argos in the first minute of Q4 set up a dash by Speedy P (Pipkin) and then a TD, 3-27. A FG try by the Cats missed for a single, 4-27. Speedy B to the TA 1 in their next drive, Bash! in for a TD with +2, 12-24, 1:49 left. The Argos punted but a pick-6 by their defence just rubbed in their 12-31 victory, which puts them in the post-season.

bulletQ: ABS?
bulletA: Abominable Bust Syndrome. A major source of revenue for private-sector cosmetic surgeons. see also FBS & IBS.

bulletQ: FBS?
bulletA: Flabby Bum Syndrome. A major source of revenue for private-sector cosmetic surgeons.
bulletQ: IBS?
bulletA: Inadequate Bust/Bottom Syndrome.
[Inadequate Boobs/Butt in the Untied States, Ed.]

CFL logoFNF #2 the Stampeders in Vancouver
BC got to & goal, but had to settle for a FG. The Stamps did the same and got a TD, 7-3 after 9 minutes. BC kicked a FG and stopped the CS on a 3rd & 1 in Q2.
   The Lions made a 3rd & 1 on the way to a successful challenge for DPI in goal and a TD, 7-13 after 9 minutes. The Stamps made a 3rd & 1 on the way to a TD with a missed PAT, 13-all. A too many men penalty helped the Stamps to go 16-13 ahead in the last few seconds of the half.
   A 46-yard pass play in Q3 set up a TD for the Stamps, 23-13. A strip/sack on Michael gave them the ball then a FG, 26-13. BC kicked a FG and added a TD in Q4 for 26-23. The Stamps were sacked to a punt and an 85-yard return to the goal by BC was cancelled by penalties.
   Another TD put the Stamps 33-23 up with 4 minutes left. The defences took over. A last-minute scramble by Reilly left the Lions just short on 3rd down. Shudda kicked the FG and tried the on-side kick, said the comms.

bulletQ: What has upset Those People & envious socialists more—the former attorney general G. Cox, MP, spent locko in the British Virgin Islands or that the government there thought his legal services were worth paying him a million quid?
bulletA: Either would sent the above mentioned into apoplexy. The two together have put them into meltdown with envy as it underlines the sad truth that they are totally crap and worthless and he isn't.
reader comment“Let us not forget that the list of MPs who made money out of additional jobs includes Sir Kreepy Steamer before he lumbered himself with his present imposition.” Sammy Platinsk

markerImmobility in prospect.
The Big Question for the 2030s is how Britain's notoriously pot-holed roads will stand up to electric cars, which are twice as heavy as proper automobiles due to the massive battery complex.
   The answer, of course, is that they won't and Council Tax everywhere will have to double to pay compensation to those who fall foul of what will be practically wall-to-wall potholes.
   On the other hand, rail-freight services will enjoy a boom for long-haul distribution. Assuming NotWork Rail or its successor can be arsed to keep the tracks repaired.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

    WEEK 3 

 
markerbaseball hat + + + Coal is okay, Glasgow CON-job BeanFeasters conclude + + + Not to be phased out + + + China puts nukes back on stand-by + + + Boris claims major success + + + Gorbal warmage conquered + + + Greenhouse Grotter now dustbined + + + The Planet rejoices + + +

British RailbulletQ: How do you do wonders for the nation's railways at a stroke?
bulletA: Pay millions to a consultant for the idea of sticking a union flag behind the existing double-headed arrow logo.
   On the plus side, this is something too patriotic for O.J. Corbynstein to hijack again.

Really Bloody Daft IdeaThe National Gallery is working hard to confect a link between every work of art in its collection and slavery. "By hook or by crook" is the prevailing imperative. Crook seems to be winning by a country mile.
reader comment“Maybe some public-spirited person can confect a link between Greenhouse Grotter & slavery. That would put a HUGE kink in her halo!” Sleek Wullie

markerNational Highways England is going ahead with its programme to inflict around 100 miles of unsmart motorways on a grateful nation and safety concerns be buggered

first class stampreader comment“We've had Xperts claiming a gorbal warmage of 2.4 deg.C above the mean for the last Ice Age is on the way. The world is now laying bets on when someone will shove up the ante to above 3 deg.C.” Hek Hajem
reader comment“The leader of Brighton council, a Green hypocrite, flies to Glasgow to be part of the BeanFeast and wrecks The Planet! The sod!” Bryan Rainchek
reader comment“Only 14% of the world's population will be 'at risk' of an Xtreme heat event if this 2.4 deg.C temperature rise is achieved. No problem for most people, then. And 'at risk' is a long way from 'bound to be zapped by'. Meanwhile, the rest of us will appreciate a reduction in our heating bills, no matter how trivial.” Kabuzhi Nasha

markerSuspicious silence
One thing we never hear about is the traffic congestion that President Boris' proposed ban on diesel HGVs will cause.
   Big lorries with an electric drive will have a significantly reduced load carrying capacity due to the weight of the battery, which means that lotz more of them will have to be on the roads to maintain the supply chain.
   Their short range will also multiply the numbers needed if they are going to have to spend hours being recharged on a long-haul trip.
reader comment“And think about all the Xtra potholes they will grind in the country's already unfit for service roads.” Reggie Ment

markerWoke up, de-woked!
The students' union @ Cambridge U. has been forced to bin a blacklist of cancelled celebrity speakers. Someone realized that they would be unable to get anyone interesting or relevant to educate and divert them if the cancellers had been allowed to have their field day.

ShockHorror Three MPs on a jolly to Gibraltar got ratted on the plane; no doubt @ the taxpayer's expense; and one of them had to be put in a wheelchair. 1 Labour, 2 SNP. No incapacitated Tories!!!
Default reaction of a politician in the wrong—start lying
Typically, Wee Burney Sturgeon tried to play the 'we've been sleazed card', which is a clear admission that she knows the truth but it's not politically convenient.
p.s. The Labour MP's excuse for being wheelchaired was that it was due to a combination of all the booze and her medication with the sub-text that the medication was mainly to blame.

thumbs upmarkerRacing Certainty
No doubt whoever it was who paid $3 MILLION apiece for a couple of Marie Antoinette's diamond bracelets is due for a barrage of sleaze and disapproval from the confecters.
   There has to be some way the rocks can be connected to slavery—if only that they were seen once by someone who knew someone who owned a dozen or so slaves. Or they were seen by someone who had heard of slavery, if the confecters get really desperate.

bulletQ: Is it okay to sack your estranged wife if she starts spying on you to find out how much you spend on viewing on-line porn?
bulletA: This is a clear breach of the employer's 'uman bluddy right to privacy and termination with Xtreme prejudice is fully justified.
bulletQ: Is it okay for a tribunal to award the soon-to-be-ex-wife loadsa cash in compenbloodysation?
bulletA: It's certainly typical of the sort of thing tribunals do.

markerTell ’em anything in the advert, grab the cash before they wake up
An upright steam mop kills 99.99% of coronaviruses & bacteria? Maybe you can use it on door knobs as well as floors, but people? That would be interesting to watch.

BonquersThe NHS chief exec., A. Pritchard, claims that hospital admissions for the Chinese plague are 14x higher that at this time last year. In fact, they are 40% LOWER. Health Sec. Vajid Javid's explanation for the disinformation is that she was 'misunderstood'.
   Really? That's the best he can do? 0/10 for not trying.

UK flagSomeone in Britain has managed to pass on a dose of the Chinese plague to a dog for the first time. Get the Guinness Book of Records on the phone!

markerNow we know
The reason why the 300,000 strong Afghan army just vanished when the Talibandits got stroppy has been revealed.
   There were only 33,000 actual troops. The rest were phantoms, whose wages crooked officers & government ministers were stashing in offshore bank accounts.
   Worse, the wage-snatchers also took bribes from the Talibandits to move the real troops out of the way to avoid exposing the true rabblement state of the Talibandit army.

Bangladesh is trying to play the climate change card to extort BILLIONs from the rest of the world. But too many of them crammed into somewhere that's not much of a place to live is down to them, not more enlightened nations.
look bothreader comment“A South American BeanFeaster was trying to play the poor little stinker card and demanding lotz of dosh from nations who have done well. Turned out that the reason why where she lived was a wreck was because her country's government couldn't be bothered to do anything for her and her neighbours. Probably because the elected government stole all the nation's cash. Which is somehow our fault? Oh, no it isn't!” Mark Seismic

bulletQ: What do you get if you fake having cancer to defraud an insurance company a couple of years after getting away with £20K of benefit fraud?
bulletA: Away with it.

markerBack at yer
Pres. Kashmachineko of ByellowRussia is seeking to embarrass the EFU, with active encouragement from Putin the Poisoner, for all the sanctions against his corrupt regime by importing gangs of migrants from the Middle East and attempting to drive them over the border to Poland.
   He is also reminding the world that the EFU was oh, so snotty about Pres. Trump building a wall along the border with Mexico to keep invaders out of God's Country but it hasn't said a word about Poland doing the same.

cone markerAmazing Fact 68% of the roads in Derbyshire need to be de-potholed, but are unlikely to be, and 50% of the roads in some parts of London. It's the same story just about everywhere else in the country.

bulletQ: "Hi! What are your pronouns? Mine are . . ."
bulletA: "It's okay, I don't need to know. I won't have anything to say to you."

markerSuck it and see
Scotland's Nature Agency seems to have a rather pragmatic approache to putting beavers back into the wild. They are released in areas where NatureScot thinks they will thrive, but if they start upsetting farmers, they are rounded up and moved elsewhere to try again.

ShockHorror All the propaganda about a turkey shortage @ Xmas was just alarmism. There will be enuff, the industry is saying now.

CFL logoSNF #1 in soggy Montreal
The Alouettes coughed up the kick-off and gave the Blue Bombers a quick TD, the PAT missed, 6-0. Defences ruled. The BB were stopped by a pick to their 15 after 12 minutes, Harris to Lewis for a TD and 6-7. The BB got level with a punt for a rouge in Q2.
   The Als made three 3rd downs on the way to another TD for Lewis, 7-14. More of the same in Q3 gave them a FG, 7-17. A trick pass play in Q4 got them to the BB 11, on to a TD for White, 7-24. Zoom! Two plays and McGuire to Adams for a TD, 14-24 with 10 minutes to go. The Als did nothing with a pick by Thomas but got a point from a punt, 14-25.
   They picked off the first play of the next BB drive! On to a FG and 14-28 with 2 minutes left. Hunter had an interception cancelled by the Command Centre, but another pick by the Als on the next BB play put the tin lid on their victory.

markerVacation Time
Putinstan is planning to let a big proportion of its army spend Xmas in Ukraine to give the troops the sort of holiday which Putin the Poisoner & his cronies would have been able to offer them had the nation's coffers not been drained mysteriously into off-shore bank accounts.

The ChancellorRevealed The Chancellor, Mr. Snack, has warned President Boris that the Tories have to do better on sleaze.
   There are too many people around who remember the 13 years of corrupt new labour, which is still leaving the Tories trailing in its dust.

markerMore Money Movement
The French authorities are suspected of having rented large part of their country's north coast to people smugglers in return for a cut of the proceeds.
   This is extra cash on top of that extorted from the UK for not policing France's border @ the Channel.

Be Advised If you get a Xmas hangover, you're on your own. The Chinese plague has created a major shortage of pain-killers. Hair of the dog is about all that is on offer now.


marker Pop offspring S. McCartney guides Prince Chuck to the best bits of an eco-fashion display @ the CON-job BeanFeast Fringe in Glasgow . . .

something bigger ...


Shriek!ShockHorror Feeding seaweed to cattle to stop them from farting methane won't save The Planet from gorbal warmage.
   The caterpillars of various types of moth produce far more greenhouse gas emissions than all the world's cattle put together and there is no plan to do anything about the real problem.
[Which is kinda typical. Ed.]

bullet Bad news for schoolkids. They could face tests at the end of every term to obtain a fall-back position in case the Chinese plague closes schools again during the conventional exam season.

markerA Colourful Future
Xperts @ Cambridge U. have saved The Planet from the menacing threat of conventional glitter. Their substitute is made using nanocrystals of cellulose, which create colours by irridescent bending of light @ crystal boundaries—a phenomenon which is quite common in the insect world, e.g. on butterfly wings.
   The product, which is still years from being commercially available, is biodegradable & vegan, and is guaranteed to be just as annoying as current plastic glitter brands.


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CFL logoSaturday Nite Part 2 in Regina
Edmonton Antlers helmetThe Roughriders had to punt. So did the Antlers but they recovered a fumble by the return man and got a TD from it! 7-0 in the 8th minute. Zoom! A huge kick off return plus a horsecollar penalty put the RR at the EA 8, TD, 7-all. Lots of defence into Q2 and a TD for the Riders after a minute, 7-14. The Edmonton team were sacked to giving up a safety and the Riders got a rouge from a punt, 7-17. As the quarter ran out, the Ants made the red zone, converted a 3rd & 4 and scored a TD on the next play. 14-17 at the half.
   A FG after some punting in Q3 increased the RR lead to 14-20. But a pick at the RR 50, a pass to Toliver to the 15 and Toliver taking a TD pass put the Ants 21-20 ahead in the last minute. The Riders made the end zone in Q4 but were called back for holding. But they got there again, no +2, 21-26. The Ants were sacked to a FG with 2:30 left, 24-26. Them lucky bugger Riders added a FG, 24-29, The End.
bulletThe Packers winning 17-0 against the Squawks on Green Bay on Sunday gave Green 'n' Yellow fans something to cheer about this week. Maybe next year for the Edmonton gang.

look rightbulletQ: What do you tell people who moan about the amount of carbon dioxide we the Britisch have released since the Industrial Revolution began?
bulletA: Ask them what they think fed their food crops if it wasn't our carbon dioxide? And remind them there were no problems with gorbal warmage until that lot came out of their mud huts and started demanding mobile phones and internet access and all the stuff we invented.

Mhegan the Merciless' 'Poor Little Stinker' card has been worn out through constant use and will have to be replaced—no doubt at great cost to someone else.
   Worse, her memory chip seems to have developed a mysterious fault, which leaves large gaps in convenient places for a court to be understanding about.

tick symbol A book on how he won the war against the Chinese plague despite impossible odds by ex-Health Sec. Hancock's Half Hour must be a real page-turner if he's in line for a £100K advance.
   The H3 book is being seen as him getting his revenge in place and playing the hero card before the legal trade makes some inquiry millionaires when the Chinese plague jamboree kicks off.
   H3 will be booting back @ the likes of Dangerous Dom, U. von der Lyin' and all the others who took a pop at him when they had the chance. Just plain goes around.
[Sounds like a lot of fun. Ed.]
reader comment“Will we be getting more of the same from Fawcett the Fence, sometime Mr. Essential to Prince Chuck, to turn him from zero to hero?” Poketmo Bile

Romiley Space AuthoritymarkerRussian Space Terrorism
An attempt by Putinstan to blow up the International Space Station with a missile attack has flopped.
   The seven-strong crew of the ISS had to take shelter in return-to-Earth capsules as debris flew around them. No one dead, no significant structural damage to the station, no thanks to Putin the Poisoner & his crew.

bulletQ: Are we surprised that a trade union is seeking to sleaze the PM's ethics watchdog, Lord Geidt, with fake news?
bulletA: Some people will do anything to get themselves noticed.

markerBack in 1996 . . .
. . . there was the book Brief Candle by Robert Arion, which featured the IALF deflaters.

International Air Liberation Front

bullet25 years later, underemployed ecolouts in Glasgow are busy attacking the wrong sort of SUV and awarding the driver a crudely printed rant under a windscreen wiper.
   No logo, of course, 'coz they are just idlers with no talent.

When not trying to blow up the ISS, Putinstan seems to be doing its best to take everyone's mind off the Chinese plague and gorbal warming by confecting a proxy war between ByellowRuss and the EFU.
   China is doing much the same by confronting the Untied States in the Southern Seas. But are we grateful for these distractions?
[Answers on a PC to the usual address. Ed.]


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FrankybulletQ: Will our government going carbon neutral in 2045 instead of 2050 @ a cost to the nation of £215 BILLION for additional green bollocks encourage the Big Greenhousers to go early too?
bulletA: This is just meaningless political posturing of the worst sort and something which will put smiles on the faces of the Chinese and the rest as they view the prospect of hoovering up the business lost by our economy when it goes uncompetitive.
   Especially if China has announced that it won't be pretending to go carbon-neutral until 2060.

markerStop the Defence cuts?
The head of the UK's Armed Forces, General N. Carter, is talking up the existence of a state of war with Putinstan. Not one with troops shooting at one another but one by other means. F'rinstance, cybercrime, economic warfare using supplies of natural gas, migrant racketeering, and the like.
bullet Putin the Poisoner is offering to resolve the migrant crisis @ the Polish border. Presumably, by sending in tanks to flatten the border fencing and the troops guarding the border alike.

gadgetRevealed If people are scared of something, e.g. croaking thanks to a dose of the Chinese plague, they'd rather splurge cash on a gadget than go on holiday or have a fancy meal in a posh restaurant. That's the conclusion of the Xperts of the School of Trivia @ Purdue University, Indiana.
   Which means that anyone who ends up with drawers and cupboards full of gadgetry that they never use can blame the Chinese.

Far Queue symbol The Liverpool taxi bomber turned out to be a bogus refugee, a Christian of convenience and a genuine nutter. And also someone shoving loadsa cash into the pockets of the legal trade with a spurious appeal against rejection of his asylum claim. Whose fault is he? Has to be the legal trade's.

bulletQ: Why isn't China getting the blame for the CON-job in Glasgow failing to get coal condemned as the work of the Devil and phased out on the spot? The lack of an international outcry is positively deafening.
bulletA: Because China has bought enough useful idiots worldwide to be able to get away with anything at all now. The list includes the Insulate Idiots here and, apparently, the WWF and lots of similar worthy organizations.
    Throw enough cash around and it will reach all the parts it needs to in due course.

CFL logoThe make-up match in T’ronno; plague postponed
Edmonton Antlers helmetPipkin's first pass in his first start as an Argonaut was picked off. No worries, the Argos did the same to Cornelius and went on to a TD by Pipkin. No PAT, 0-6. One back for Cornelius, who hit the TA goal after 6 minutes, 7-6. The Ants kicked a FG after 4 minutes of Q2, 10-6. They got close at the end of Q3 but Cornelius was picked in goal with a minute left.
   In Q4, the Argos got a rouge from a punt, 10-7. Cornelius was picked off in the TA goal again after 8 minutes. Whyte contributed another FG, 13-7 with 3 minutes left. The Argos couldn't make a 3rd & 10 with a minute left. Game over. The Beast of the East lost to the Worst of the West.

Kreepy pantshatman Sir Kreepy Steamer has been accused of the same sort of rule-ignoring practices which his minions are yelling about in the case of former attorney general & Conservative MP G. Cox.
   This confirms; if we didn't already have more than abundant affirmative evidence; that the 'one rule for them' concept also applies to Labour when it suits their devious purposes. And also to the other minority parties, especially the SNP. No one is surprised.

marker The current Speaker of the House of Commoners is a rather sensible old bloke and he usually does a sound job of things. But he revealed this week that he is prone to the odd Bollocks to Berko moment.
   When this happens, he switches from being the servant of the House to the entirely spurious Berkonic position of Boss of the Universe. This is a lapse which he should not be allowed to forget in order to discourage him from adopting the mantle of his ludicrous predecessor too often.

Don't ask mebulletQ: How many points will Labour's deputy blessed leader Ludicrous Rayner score for doing a personal, in-person apology to President Boris; but probably not on her knees; for calling Tories scumbags?
bulletA: None at all as it will be just a ludicrous & insincere political stunt and a prelude to some energetic virtue-flagging and efforts to 'prove' that she is holier than Pres. Boris.

pound coinLondon's cosmetic mayor, Sadgeek 'Kerching!' Khan't, has no problem with polluting London's most polluted area further with the outpourings of Formula One racing cars—as long as there's lots of dosh to come from it.
   He's Labour, which means that everything is all about the money.

markerThe rode to linquistic laziness & dummin darn
Twatter, which limits the number of keystrokes in pointless rants, is being lined up as the assassin of the apostrophe as it encourages sloppy and ignored grammar.
   Illiterate written language is now officially recognized as 'dynamic', which is a licence for craposity.
bulletExamples of bad spelling are being described as 'progressive' by self-styled Xperts. This can be nothing other than further craposity as most words which begin with 'pro' signal a con-job on the way in a PR or (local) government context.

Englisch Explained
reader comment“If 'procrastinate' means to put something off until tomorrow, then 'nocrastinate' means doing it today and 'precrastinate' means doing it yesterday. If we're being logical.” Batik Grave

tick symbol There are those who claim that apostrophes are being lost! They could not be more wrong!!! The missing apostrophes are merely being reincarnated as exclamation marks, singly or in clumps!!!! The evidence is all around us.
[There's plenty of it here. Ed.]

bullet Lying, thanks to the influence of Mhegan the Merciless, is now wearing a new normal alibi—one of forgetfulness.

cross symbol Burglars arrested: 3%
Speed cam mooners arested: 100%
If we have the police we deserve, what the FK was it that we did wrong?

reader comment“If A&E departments everywhere, especially in Wales, are crumbling under the strain, would it be too much of an imposition to ask the customers to be a bit more careful?” Paddy Roogan
[Asking anything much of the customers is usually doomed to failure. They're such a stroppy lot. Ed.]

CFL logoRoman festival in Vancouver; Elks fed to Lions
Edmonton Antlers helmet His new club gave the sometime Eskimos MOP Mike, now lengthened to Michael Reilly, a night off but Mr. Rourke, his sub, got the job done. The Lions scored 5 TDs in the first half, including one from returning a punt. A missed convert left them 0-34 ahead. Cue a last minute TD for the Antlers and 7-34 at the half.
   The Antlers kicked a FG 5 minutes into Q3 for 10-34. The Lions kicked one in the last minute of the quarter and another 10 minutes into Q4. 10-43 and that was enuff. The glow of the unexpected EA victory in T'ronno on Tuesday Night satisfactorily quenched!

WTFH No wonder the average price of diesel has reached 150p/litre. It was 152p/litre in Romiley @ the BP petrol station the last time anyone looked.

Really Bloody Daft Idea Faking laughter is being offered as a remedy for anxiety. Apparently, the customer is supposed to be too focused on making the bogus laughter seem real to feel anxious!

markerIt’s here on TV
"I'm the spirit of Xmas," said the bottle of Drambuie.
"You can stay but the bloke holding you can bugger off until next month," said Scrooge.

PutinedPlaying silly buggers?
reader comment“What is President Boris up to, telling the EFU to choose between Putinstan's gas and Ukraine's freedom from being invaded by Putin the Poisoner? The EFU can't do without that gas, so no choice.” Shyhose Vanderpoise

CFL logoWeek 16, OTT @ chilly MTL
The RedBlacks kicked a FG after 4 minutes. A successful challenged by the Alouettes helped them to an equalizer after 13 minutes. Another long FG in Q2 put the Als 3-6 up. They went further ahead with a TD for Wieneke after 9 minutes, 3-12; procedure, no +2. Bash! 3rd & 1 to the RB 42, another TD for Wieneke in the last minute of the half, the convert missed, 3-18.
   In Q3, the RBs recovered a fumble early on, Charge! from the MA 1, TD and +2, 11-18. Lots of defence into Q4. The Als got to the red zone with 5 minutes left and fumbled the ball away. A red zone trip by the visitors yielded a TD and 17-18. Would they kick a convert and go for overtime? Nope. +2 made, 19-18 with 11 seconds left. Win not bust! The Als fumbled away the kick off just to rub it in.

reader comment“An interesting slant on things—people who dodge paying taxes are doing society a favour by reducing the size of the national pot and the amount of cash the country can afford to pay to all the anti-Britisch quangocrats & bosses of outfits like Notional England.” Terell Hardache

bulletQ: Do people who use multiple exclamation marks for emphasis, incredulity or comic effect also wear their underparnts on their head, as the Discworld creator T. Pratchett would have us believe?
bulletA: There are no known instances of this behaviour on record in any part of the world. Xcept for people larking about to make fun of the concept, of course.

Blasted from the past
look rightSurprise! That Yorkshire cricket bloke who's setting himself up as the most persecuted person in the whole history of the universe has been dumped in the ray-cism dustbin.
   He's had to apologize for making anti-Semmitic comments millions of years ago and he's as big a part of the problem as anyone else.
   Oh, the relief of his tide of virtue-flagging hitting the high water mark. Sadly, there seems to be truckloads of the same to come.

cone markerBonquersDoes anyone remember that the Environment Agency set a target back in 2007 of depopulating the east coast of England by 2035 by ceasing to do anything about coastal erosion?
   No doubt this abandoned zone will be decorated with carbon capture virtue flags as well as rewilding ones in due course.

Far Queue symbol The Prethetic Whinger Award for this month goes to C. Nokes, the Tory MP who tried to get herself noticed by claiming the Tory prime monster's Tory dad smacked her bum 20 years ago.
reader comment“What's she after, an O.B.E.?” Shyhose Vanderpoise
[That's an Oh, Bluddy 'Ell. Ed.]

    WEEK 4 

 
UK tombstoneUK flagThe Governor of the Bank of England could not be contacted for a comment about the prospect of inflation rising to 5%; some 3% over his official target; next month as he is hiding under a rock and hoping that the problem will go away of its own accord.

Good News CON-Job Update
Brazil will end deforestation in 2030. But before anyone starts waving virtue flags, that's when, if the present attrition rate continues, the country is expected to have no forests left.

bulletQ: Is anyone bovvered that a multi-millionaire pal paid orf Prince Andrew's meg and a half bank loan?
bulletA: The bank was probably glad to get the cash but only journalists looking for something to scribble about think it's worthy of notice.

reader comment“I knew the Speaker's outburst in the Commons at the prime monster reminded me of someone. It's just come to me—Leon Arras, the wrestler persona of the actor and writer Brian Glover. He was a cocky little 'un on World of Sport in the last century. Famous for his bouts with Les Kellett, at whom he was always yelling: 'I know the rules, Kellett!' That was the Speaker having a go at Boris the other day.” Des Picable

CFL logoWeek 16, -15 degrees in Calgary with the wind-chill
The Stampeders never looked like scoring in Q1. The Blue Bombers got to the CS 2 but short yardage Brown, playing instead of Collards in a meaningless match, fumbled the ball away. The BB eventually managed a FG 11 minutes in to Q2. A 52 yard FG try with seconds left went wide right.
   In Q3, the BB went 2 & FG after a pick, 6-0. They kicked another FG 5 minutes in to Q4, 9-0, and another long one at the end of their next drive, 12-0. A penalty put the Stamps in FG range, 12-3 with 5 minutes to go. The Stamps went for a 3rd & 7 @ their 53, TD from it!! 12-10, 1:43 left. No on-side kick try. The Stamps sent the Bombers 2 & out and won with a FG. 12-13 final.
[Note: CS stands for Calgary Stampeders, not Creepy Steamers as some would have you believe. Ed.]

baseball hatPointless gesture
It's hardly justice for WPC Y. Fletcher, who was murdered by a gunman inside what passed for a Libyan embassy in 1984, if a Gaddaffy minister has been found 'liable' for the crime.
   Especially as he is now back in Libya after being an asylum seeker here for a while. And so he can't be locked up for the rest of his miserable life or strung up from a lamp post.
reader comment“And as for the judge ordering the Mabrouk bloke to pay a nominal quid damages to a police witness to the murder for his PTSD . . . As the blessed Little John sez, you couldn't make it up. Good luck with getting hold of the quid, by the way.” Syn Ister

tick symbol Xtensive consumer research has found that Tory sleaze does a lot less damage to the taxpayer than Labour sleaze, which can reach truly epic or truly Mandel proportions.

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The gaol sentences passed on the Insulate louts, who appear to be mainly full-time idlers, have been described as 'disproportionate and another threat to the rights of all of us'. Quite right. They should have been sent down for 3, 4 or 6 years, not months.

markerLife Sabitch
aircraft stamp If you were hoping to blag your own private jet to avoid spending half a day in a queue at an airport—forget it. There are none to be had.
   New ones are on long delivery times, old ones have all been bought up and spare parts are an eternal problem. Which means that if you want to get away from it all, you're going to have to spend 3 or 4 years annoying your neighbours whilst your megabasement cowboys dig it out.
reader comment“All of the above explains why you don't see a Dodgy Planes Bloke analog of the Dodgy Cars Bloke on TV.” Pier Pointless

1950s postage stampreader comment“With the best will in the world, it's hard to see how reopening a railway line that's been closed for 50 years but running the trains only once every 2 hours is going to seduce people off the roads and make a community feel reconnected to the rest of the world. But good luck anyway to the Exeter/Okehampton revival railway.” Yafadas Mustash

Is a white elephant missing a leg a Good Thing or a Bad Thing? [Context—H2S with the eastern leg axed. Ed.]
   Given that a white elephant is a Bad Thing, one missing a leg and less able to blunder about can be only a Good Thing.
locomotivereader comment“Spending BILLIONs on a tunnel under the Pennines to connect Manchester & Sheffield, which are just 35 miles apart, was always a daft idea.” Caz Grumpled
reader comment“The new rail plan is miles better than the H2S scam, and that's what's really sticking in the craws of Sirk Reepy & his gang, that they didn't come up with something as good.” Dan Gerus

CFL logoWeek 16, late arrival in Hamilton
4 minutes gone and no scoring when BT got us to the RoughRiders vs the TigerCats. The unrelieved defence continued until the Cats were sacked to a FG after 14 minutes of Q2. A TD pass to Jackson put them 0-10 up. Murderous SK defence held the Cats to a FG with 2 minutes left, missed for 1. At chip shot as the half ran out left the Cats 0-14 up.
   Evans to Speedy B for a TD five minutes in Q3, 0-21. Plus a FG, 0-24. The Riders turned a pick into . . . a FG, 3-24. And that was the end of the scoring. Solid defence and the odd punch-up in Q4.
   The Riders must have left their first team on the bus. It will take a week to launder all the flags hurled on to the pitch.

pound coinYes, it’s always all about the money
Private firms running hospital car parking are claiming that bumping up their charges and fines will save The Planet & Protect the NHS. Presumably, by persuading potential customers not to go to the hospital and to croak @ home instead.

bulletToday's Cultural Non-Job:
The Poet Lariat—he has to rope & hog-tie people to get an audience.
reader comment“His lurid fantasies certainly put the 'gory' into allegory.” Masser Krab

markerPull the other one, Percy
The Chinese regime is facing a major credibility problem. The more it claims that it hasn't locked up a tennis star who claims she was sexually assaulted by one of the waxworks, the more everyone else assumes that she must have been locked up by the host nation of the next Winter Olympics, and the more the propaganda value of the event evaporates.

Wee BeeWhat she did, not wot she said
Wee Burney Sturgeon has shot herself in the foot. She promised that a public inquiry into major problems @ two flagship NHS hospitals would involve no cover-ups.
   But she has had to let some evidence be hidden to avoid public alarm and loss of confidence in the staff of one of the hospitals.
Further though the looking glass
reader comment“It is supposed to be a public inquiry yet the legal trade and the SNP government are locking things away if they are inconvenient. 'Public, but not as we know it, Jim.' Mr. Spock would have remarked.” Clawdyereyes D'Vanderpoise

G.F. BroonmarkerPull the other one, Gordie
Gordon F. Broon, the man who stole your pension on the way to becoming the worst prime monster of all time and presiding over the collapse of the UK banking system, is now setting himself up as an expert on gorbal warmage.
   Listen to him and The Planet is definitely doomed.
   Ironically, he is blaming that banking collapse for the rise of globalism & nationalism, and all the world's current ills. So we are quite justified in calling him The Architect of All Doom.
first class stampreader comment“Looks like Broon is Xpanding the EFU's United States of Europe agenda to a world government—presumably with him as President 4 Life.” Smo Kingun
reader comment“The major problem for the glad-handers of the world, who think they're owed a free lunch every day and two on Sunday, is that people are starting to realize how much they are having to pay to support the world's freeloaders and they're digging in their heels.” Sin Guilty
reader comment“And realizing that anything that come from the UN badged as science is really politics in disguise and intended to shove their cash into the pockets of usual suspects.” Runn E. Knows
reader comment“The historic emissions swindle cooked up by the likes of Broon is one of the worst scams. Why should we pay for creating the technology that less enterprising nations are busting a gut to acquire? Typical of Stealth Tax Broon to cook up another for enterprise & invention.” Canoe Radical

RevealedIf you're wondering where the British Army is these days, it's in Poland and the Baltic States, building fences and helping NATO allies to frustrate the migrant manoeuvres orchestrated by Putinstan as a stealth weapon against its gas customers.

markerYes, we have been here before . . .
Back in November of 2007, the Labour government headed by pension-snatcher gordon f. broon was telling its customers there would be no gas and electricity shortages @ Xmas. Which had everyone panicking that there would be, given Labour's lamentable record on veracity.
   Plus ça change . . .

bottle of wineShockHorror A supermarket own brand champagne costing 12 quid per bottle can outdo fancier brands costing £25-40/bottle in tasting sessions done by Xperts.
   On the other hand, those who have just one glass of wine per day with their evening meal can get a couple of bottles of Chateus Plonk de Neige Abominable for the price of one bottle of the supermarket fizz, and be sorted for 8 days.

rageLabour's main objection to the government's plan to tax 'n' pay for social care zoomed into the absurd. If a millionaire & an ordinary joe both have to pay thousands of pounds for the same treatment, the drop in their assets in percentage terms will be different. That's not unfair, that's just a fact of life.
reader comment“If everyone is paying the same for the same treatment, as is only fair, those who have neglected to accumulate wealth will pay a larger proportion of their assets. This is just the way equitable existence operates.”

The BLAME Bunchers are up in arms because a white bloke who shot 3 white rioters, who were doing it on behalf of the Black Fist Gang, when defending his property & himself, killing 2 of them, had a plea of self-defence accepted by a jury in God's Country.
   President Creaky Joe is also upset by the notion of white folks having a right to defend themselves and their property from rioters doing it on behalf of non-white folks, and white folks being treated with fairness & dignity under the law.
   This seems to be a common view across the Democrapic party & their supporters, especially in California.

eyes + + + Small earthquakes in the Highlands of Scotland last Tuesday & Friday + + + No one dead + + + Reports that Highlands were 'hit' by them dismissed as BS by Romiley earthquake survivor + + + Unlikely anyone noticed them, especially Friday's, which was at 2 a.m. + + +


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Politics to become impossible thanks to Pinocchio Project?
Xperts in Israel are working on a lie detector system, which will detect 'tells' offered by small facial movements. The current version of their gadget is 73% accurate but it needs electrodes to be stuck onto the subject's face. A stealth version which can be used to scan live video & recordings is the next step.

baseball hatApparently, Mhegan the Merciless believes in making her kids earn their keep and she has put Archwell, 2, in charge of feeding the chickens @ the family ranch.

pocket phonePocket phones will have to be fitted with sensors to indicate when they are being used under a new government plan. This will enable police in a patrol vehicle to spot motorists breaking the ban on phone use and Kerching! them with a £200 fine plus an automated 6 points on their driving licence; should they have one.

The EFU is getting the blame for letting economic migrants swan across Europe's open borders to France, and then on to England after they have shoved thousands into the pockets of criminals.
   This is part of the Home Sec.'s new agenda for making the French feel a bit less got at and more inclined to do the job for which UK taxpayers are shelling out MILLIONs.

Pontificating from a position of profound iggorance
It's amazing, the number of jounalists who think selling sand in the sahara is the height of fantasy. And yet, Saharan sand is no good for building work as the grains have been well rolled around and rounded to a smooth state.
   You need sharp sand with lots of jagged edges to make strong mortar and cement for non-collapsible buildings and surfaces, and it's not available in the Sahara. Not that journos would know that.

reader comment“'If there's a burglary, police run,' a senior police waxwork is reported to have said. Unfortunately, it's usually in the opposite direction, which explains why burglars keep getting away with it.” Ellie D'Generate

bone helmetOfficers of the Police of the Metrolopis, prop. C. 'Brazilian Killer' Dick, have to ask themselves 44 questions to justify putting handcuffs on a bad guy. And probably do it twice or three times if the BG is non-white. Which Xplains why arrest rates are so low. The BG is in the next county by the time a copper at the sharp end; bossed by morons from the corrupt new labour era; has made up his/her/its mind.

ShockHorrorWow! O.J. Corbynstein will go to gaol for 10 years if he does cheerleading for Hamas after the Home Sec. gets it declared a terrorist gang.

markerAnother Blast From The Past
As Xmas of 2007 approached, the nation was under the threat of truckers going on strike over the price of fuel, which was the dearest in Europe thanks to the Stealth Taxes slapped on it by G.F. "The Mugger" Broon, the worst Chancellor & UK prime monster in the whole history of The Universe.
reader comment“The same G.F. Broon who is claiming to be an Xpert on gorbal warmage, let us not forget.” Lan Donoris
furthermore . . . Our borders back then were as porous as they are now.
rage[If our contributors decide to go on strike, we can just recycle all the stuff from the corresponding period in 2007/08; with a few names altered; and no one will notice a blind bit of difference. It's positively uncanny how the present government is replaying all the disasters and bone-headed stuff we got from Labour back then. Ed.]

Bonquers The case for the Dumkopf of the Year Award going to the Parole Board has been strengthened by the child-killer C. Pitchfork having his arse jammed back into gaol just a matter of weeks after the PB let him out—something entirely to be expected, said our police contact.

smug clownbulletQ: Is it immoral & hypocritical & an outrage to the whole 'uman race that diesel generators power some of Prince Chuck's Xmas illuminations?
bulletA: Taking into account their contribution to global emissions and setting that contribution beside those from the likes of China and India, they amount to a single grain of sand on a vast beach and complaining about them is just confection by attention-seekers.

Be Advised If you haven't completed 100% of your Xmas shopping by the end of this month to beat the shortages and the lack of HGV drivers and Brexit and inflation, you WILL be shamed as the idle dregs of humanity. So think on!

Kreepy pantsreader comment“Labour shortages are pushing up prices, I read. Something else we have to thank Sirk Reepy and his Labourites for?” Capella Handgrenade

bulletQ: Is there any shame in a cricketer having blacked up to go to a music-themed party as his fave crap rapper a decade ago?
bulletA: The only shame belongs to the confecters who are trying to pretend he did something wrong. They need to be tarred & feathered and run out of town on a rail.

markerMutual back-scratchery
The Church of England is being accused of creating pretend Christians out of economic migrants to swell its apparent numbers and give the infiltrators an apparent credential for being here.

BonquersThe council in Richmond, South-West London, is getting flak for giving its approval to a plan to erect a statue of Virginia Woolf, the writer who drowned herself in a state of confusion in the River Ouze.
   The confecters are claiming that putting an image of the late Ms Woolf sitting on a park bench overlooking the river Thames, rather than parking it in an obscure back street, will encourage gangs of people to throw themselves in the river @ that point in virtue-flagging despair.
first class stampreader comment“Sounds like another job for the tar & feather crew.” Claudtheguys Vanderpoise

face maskPresident MacRon is claiming he won't let the Channel fill up with the bodies of drowned migrants. Which will be rather difficult if he continues to let his police officers do nothing to stop them setting out to sea.

bulletQ: If the Arctic is the Roof of the World, does that make the Antarctic the Bargain Basement?
bulletA: Our Geoscience Xpert will get back to you when he stops laffing.

cricketingGet YOUR whinge in 1st before U are Xposed as just as bad
Cricket in England will come to an end this year. Everyone who is any good has been accused of rachelism following trawls of anti-social & other meeja going back 30 years.
   Their accusers are all being hit with evidence of their own rachelism against other ethnic groups now that they have dared to poke their noses into the live-fire zone. Splash the sleaze and get contaminated. Nobody left standing.

baseball hat The vultures are gathering as speculators eye up the possibilities for redeveloping cricket grounds, some of which occupy prime sites in or near major cities.

Kreepy pantsThe enduring inevitability of political madness
Sirk Reepy, if the nation is daft enuff to make him prime monster, will establish an Office for Value for Money, which will pay fancy salaries to trade unionized civil servants, whose union will bung donations to the Labour party.
   The UK taxpayer will derive zero benefit from this exercise in virtue flagging, but that is what we have come to expect from all government departments anyway.

Far Queue symbolThe Parole Board is facing a major shake-up? Its members should be facing major gaol time without the option of parole over the decisions they make.

bullet Anyone with a bunker is advised to hunker in it over this weekend, which will be freezing bloody cold with 80-90 mph winds in places.

markerPublic Service Message
Want to be a sad loser all your life? Just keep on sending text entries to all those competition numbers that appear on your TV screen.

skull 2Macron okay with letting the bodies disappear into the sea?
Presidential reject E. MacRon playing politics in an attempt to get re-elected next year, and also trying to punish Britain for Brexit, is seen as the reason why migrants are allowed to get to the north coast of France instead of being parked in the centre of the country for processing.
reader comment“That's an interesting brick President Boris has thrown @ Moocher MacRon—if the French can't police their own borders & beaches, they should turn the job over to someone who can, such as the Brexited Britisch!” Jum Bosize

face mask New Zealand will be opening its borders to fully vaccinated visitors next April. Which will give those doing carbon footprint posturing time to walk there if they start off right now.

pound coinAnother outfit in need of something major
If fraudsters who blagged taxpayers' money from the three plague support schemes can obfuscate until March 2023, they stand a good chance of getting away with it.
   The above date is when HMRC will reach its point of diminishing returns and will write off £3,500 MILLION of our money as unrecoverable.

marker The fast food industry will have shrunk to a mere shadow of its current self by 2036, when all that will be on offer is algaeburgers and potential customers will decide it's not worth getting out of bed for something so uninspiring.

cross symbolDisaster in the making
Local authorities in England have given permission to spivs to build 5,000 new houses on flood plains.

tankmarkerIt’s all about getting a grip
It's all very virtuey, the likes of E.on Next telling everyone they're saving the planet with green electricity when they're doing nothing of the kind, but the world's politicians will never grasp the nettle if they're willing to settle for all the happy flaggy stuff.
   What do they need to do to change The Planet's climate? Drone strikes on all coal-fired power stations in China, India & the rest of the major users. Make the Amazon and other jungles Total Kill Zones for anyone with a chainsaw or other tree destruction weapons.
   When the dust from the drone strikes settles, wait 10 years to see if there is any change for the better. If there isn't, assemble the UN's climate 'Xperts' in Tiananment Square and let Chinese, Indian, etc. winners of the lottery drive tanks at the Xperts and squish them to a bloody slurry as a grovelling apology for all the damage done.
   And then, start all over again with another grand 10-year plan.

markerTo be expected
The prime monster is photographed not wearing a face mask on a crowded train Up North. Virtue flag-waving Liberals say he doesn't seem to care who he puts @ risk.
   But if President Boris doesn't have the plague, and he's been fully vaccinated, he's not putting anyone at risk. Which means that the Trivials are talking crap. But what's new about that?

UK flagIt is worth mentioning that the Chinese plague kills 850 unvaccinated people per 100,000 of them versus just 26 per 100,000 of fully vaccinated customers.
first class stampreader comment“Which suggests that Germany, Austria & German-speaking areas of Switzerland should refuse to let unvaccinated plague cases into hospitals to see if that makes their vaccination programmes more effective.” Beefy Clueso
reader comment“In Germany, people are being given ground-up meteorite bitz as a preventative against the Chinese plague, which helps to explain why there is so much of it there. Homeopathy, as opposed to actual medicine, is very big there.” Kim Jongill
reader comment“Homeopathic quackery was invented by a German, which explains why members of the House of Windsor, especially Prince Chuck, have fallen for it.” Igor Putanikov

bullet A bit of snow in the early, early hours of Saturday morning, lingered mainly on sheds, cars & bins, no damage done. No thanks to Weather Control for giving us more today as this is being written.

reader comment“Who the FK in their right mind needs a Festering Season guide to seasonal sustainability? Straight from the bowels of Saturday's Daily Mail to the blue recycling bin to be whisked away on Monday, when the bottle bashers also do their rounds.
   “Bamboo measuring spoons for those who want to measure bamboo; a Greenhouse Grotter wedge to keep your door open and let winter in; a giraffe cushion for anyone with a pet giraffe . . . One gets the distinct impression that some bugger is having a really big giraffe.” F. Engshoowy
reader comment“Four quid for 2 ballpoints made of recycled plastic, i.e. 10x the price of a couple of Bics. And how about paying a quid for a pencil made from recycled newspaper and imported all the way from Nepal to save The Planet? ECO2? ECON, more like.” Ferti Gready

Far Queue symbol Awards jamborees for films, TV, music and all the rest next year are to be extended to include a 'Best Nondescript' category for those who are unable to decide if they are male, female or something else.

Surprise! The guesswork xperts are claiming that as much as 10% of the Black Friday stuff on offer is actually a bargain.

Revealed Recent outrageous items on the BBC about what the government is alleged to have been up to are being exposed as fake news confected by Bremoaners, who are hoping to destabilize this government and drag the country back into the dead zone of the EFU.

smug clownWTFH The CBI [Confluence of Berkish Idiots with the emphasis on the 'con', Ed.] is getting a good kicking for the failure of its waxworks to appreciate contributions to our nation's wealth from Britain's success stories, ranging from former prime minister Margaret Thatcher's neutralization of rogue trade unions to the enormous amounts of cash generated by the Peppa Pig franchise.

markerWonky way of going about it
The RAF has lost 120 million quid's worth of defective American stealth plane in the Mediterranean. It is 900 fathoms deep and no one can find it.
   The manufacturers are claiming that this is proof positive that their stealth technology really does work.

Just to be clear, the Alpha variant of the Chinese plague is also known as the Kent variant because that it where it was first identified. Ditto for the Delta variant, which was spotted in India. But that doesn't mean these variants were created there, any more than the new Botswana variant detected in Southern Africa was brewed up there.

baseball hat Just what we need to hear—an Xpert telling us that tackling the Big Bag of Ironing is good for us and piling guilt on those who are successful in ignoring it until it starts to overflow.

bulletbulletNo wonder no one takes weather forecasts beyond about three days seriously. The Met Office is predicting a very wet winter with lots of floods but it will be mild.
   The outfit now servicing the BBC, which sacked the Met Office, is predicting a bloody cold winter, presumably on the basis of the same data.

markerDo we want a Super Bowl style half-time show @ football finals? Or do we want them to carry on knocking off for 15 minutes for a pee and a swig of some energy drink before they get on with the footie? Discuss.

Far Queue symbol Parent power is getting the credit for grotting on the attempt of the outgoing American School of London's head teacher to make all lessons abour race & white privilege in pursuit of her wonk agenda.

baseball hatThe digital Atom Bank—no branches, all on-line (which makes it easier to do a runner?)—is so worried about its employees degenerating into mental elves that its boss has decided to let them do 4 days' work for 5 days' pay, and do lotz of Shirk @ Home.


rain manBelow the line mission statement: Some of the above is true. BFN is recognized as a premiere class observational blog and a multiple winner of the OB of the Year award.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium.
© RAL, November MM21 like anyone cares