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 2021/September 
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Nothing is working?
No one is responsible
   or slightly accountable?
How can you cope?

Getting unashamably ratted on BurneyBru™
is one solution to making your troubles go away
—It’s a massive 132o proof—

tick symbolFrolic acid is to be added to white bread to get the lower orders leaping about a bit more. Posh people who eat wholemeal or artisan bread will be exempt.

cross symbol Pres. Creaky Joe let Pres. Boris know that he can forget a trade deal with the US as Joe is more interested in the Irish vote than the Britisch one.

second class stampreader comment“The Labour party claim that this government doesn't care about working people is absurd. A lot of the cash the government splashes around comes from working people and the government needs to keep in with them.” Genai Pounding
reader comment“What the Labour whingers are really going on about is the skivers and non-working people who voted for them last time around.” Public Woods

tick symbol The La Palma volcanic eruption is being positioned as a Good Thing as the ash & aerosols ejected into the atmosphere block and scatter incoming sunlight and promote gorbal coolage.

tick symbol Football fans are to be allowed to stand in stands again from January 2022, when a ban imposed over 25 years ago is cancelled under a government reform programme.

first class stampreader comment“Does a newsreader ordering the customers to have a wonderful afternoon at the end of his/her stint before the cameras constitute provocation of those with mental 'elf problems and the terminally miserable?” Incendiary Stoker

bullet91% of fraudsters investigated by the police get away with it.

reader comment“Everyone with a coal fire can now sneer @ the gorbal warming fraudsters and announce that they are doing their bit to relieve the gas crisis using an alternative and dependable fuel.” Arbitrary Steamer

bulletQ: "Zero up-front costs" means what?
bulletA: Eye-watering down-back follow-up gouging.

bulletQ: Is there any point to the ruling by the EuroCourt of 'Uman bluddy Rights that blames Putinstan for poisoning dissenter A. Litvinyenko with polonium and laying a radioactive trail across Europe?
bulletA: As Putin the Poisoner and his stooges won't get a fair hanging, it just shoves taxpayers' cash into the pockets of legal parasites to zero benefit to the people who were obliged to cough up the cash.

markerGPs to be fitted with GPS so they can find their customers?
Sounds daft enough for some politician in search of notice to advocate it.

markerEntirely predictable, entirely inevitable
The shambles over the price of natural gas confirms the lesson of history which is never learnt, namely that when politicians start messing about to Save The World, everything ends up FUBB.

The people who signed up with one of the energy cowboys got the benefit of cheaper than commercial prices for a while from a new company trying to build up a client list.
   And if their cowboy has gone bust and they have found themselves assigned to a dearer major player, welcome to the real world and excuse us if we ignore your whinges.

bulletToday's Word: Workcation
Looking busy but actually doing bugger all


    WEEK 4 

 
Shriek!Wee Burneystan goes Bonquers
Despite the ravages of the plague and nothing working in Scotland with the SNP in charge, what passes for a government there has no problem with throwing cash at attempts to rewrite history north in the border to make it all about slavery, the imaginary contribution to Scittish society of members of non-native minorities, changing street names and cancelling monuments. Meanwhile, Wee Burney needs the Army to step in to bail out her failed ambulance service.

Surprise! The doctors' trade union is demanding more taxpayers' cash for their members to go back to seeing patients in person and doing the job they are very well paid to do.

markerNot welcome on voyage
US flag The US Congress is trying to poke its nose into President Boris' attempts to impose a pragmantic end to persecuting British troops who served in Northern Ireland. The Yanks are clearly unable to grasp the simple fact that there will never be justice in Ireland and only separated toleration rather than reconciliation.

bulletQ: If Dockson of Dick Green has been given 2 extra years to fail to be an effective boss of the Met, what is the lesson to be learnt?
bulletA: That the government doesn't know any way to do these things other than badly.

marker Is there a more wretched phrase than the Covid Rollout with its overtones of the government giving a dose of the Chinese plague to everyone, regardless of sex, race, creed and intellectual capacity?

skull 1markerQuisling Quartet?
Are the Doctors of Doom in the pay of the Russians and/or the Chinese? This is a valid conclusion based upon their repeated attempts to ignore the value of the vaccination programme against the Chinese plague and place the whole of the UK back in the deep, dark hole of another economy-stifling locko.

marker North & South Korea are firing off missles to remind everyone that they are still around and still armed and bloody dangerous.

eyesComes around
The Warmist Lord Deben wants to switch off street lights and make the peasantry use torches; or grope around in the dark if they can't afford one. Which conjures up the image of the villagers heading for Deben's lair like a mob in a Hammer film, torches blazing, to sort him out.

postage stampreader comment“If the Bride of Daesh knows enuff about Islamic terrorism to be an effective advisor to Pres. Boris, that confirms she was a gun-toting cheerleader for the murder mongers, not a deluded teen, and a sound reason for keeping her ass (and the rest of her) out of the UK.”
The Award-Winning Herbie McGrath

bulletQ: How much is an apology from Wee Burney worth to someone who didn't get an ambulance in time?
bulletA: 0.00001 of a bean.

markerThe foreign-owned Britisch Airways has confected a 'perfect carbon neutral' flight from London to Paisley. The reduction in emissions will have zero effect on the climate of The Planet.

hatmanThe legal trade is seeking to create the crime of ecocide (cf genocide) as a means of Xtracting vaster amounts of cash from prosecuting & defending businesses which cause pollution and imaginary destruction of the enviromint.
   A main aspect of the scam involves diluting genuine science to vanishing point and giving uninformed opinions equal status in court.
reader comment“The more argy bargy, the more cash for the legal spivs. Never fails.” Ann Droid

ragebulletMessage to the Ministry of Energy: Stop pissing about and get the coal-fired power stations up to full speed so that methane gas can be used to make fertilizer and, as an essential by-product, the carbon dioxide which is in such short supply.

bulletQ: Does wrapping the Arc de Triomphe in 25,000 square metres of white fabric secured with 3,000 metres of red rope constitute a work of art?
bulletA: Not in any sensible Universe.

markerThe Department of Transport is plotting to cancel the piece of plastic which is the current driving licence in favour of something digital, which will be available only to those with a pocket phone. Which will make them even more popular targets for thieves. EU law is being blamed for not allowing this to be done pre-Brexit.
   The government is also plotting a major campaign of amendment, replacement & repeal of EU-imposed laws which are of no benefit to the Britisch public, such as the ban on Imperial weights & measures.

markerAnother pointless triumph for the Warmists
Their anti-humanity activities have created a world shortage of methane natural gas, crippling industries which rely on it for making carbon dioxide and driving cowboy energy firms into cancellation.
bulletPutinstan has got the EFU hot under its XL collar with the economic warfare tactic of inflating the price of gas shamelessly, knowing that mainland Europe is firmly under Putin's thumb, gaswise.
markerAs a spin-off, price comparison websites face going bust as there is no longer anything much left to compare.

first class stampreader comment“Does President Creaky Joe have a memory span of 1.2 seconds and is that why he can never remember anyone's name? Actually, his big problem turns out to be that he is surrounded by totally unmemorable non-entities, both @ home and abroad. No wonder he can't remember any of the names of such inconsequential zombies.” Defin Paradise

skull 2Ode to a . . . (channelling Jim Morrison)
I think I'll open a little shop . . .
A gift shop in Berlin . . .
And I think I'll call it "Putin's". . .
[One for our German speakers. Ed.]
updateA third member of the KGB team responsible for the Salisbury poisonings, the failed attempt on the life of former spy S. Skripal and the murder of D. Sturgess has been identified. The man who was in charge is a Putinstani agent using the alias Denis Sergeyev, 53.

first class stampbulletQ: What can you do if you want to get rid of a couple of hundred million bucks?
bulletA: Get SpaceX to launch you into low Earth orbit (but higher than the ISS) for 3 days so that you can pretend to be doing scientific experiments before you come back down to your boring life on the boring planet.
   The 'mission' is described as a triumph for diversity. Decoded, that means it was entirely pointless. Apart from increasing atmospheric pollution due to rocket fumes, of course.

markerAy, Oh! Let’s GO!
The wonky tip of New Zealand's tail wants to change the name of the place to AOtearoom. Presumably because the wonks think they can do a sponsorship deal with AO.com.

first class stampreader comment“Apparently, there are looney left Democrap politicians on the public payroll who don't know that the rich are taxed and pay most of the taxes collected by the government of the Untied States.
   “Thus, they think it's a cute stunt to turn up at a beanfeast wearing a frock with a 'Tax the Rich' slogan. A. Occasional-Cortez of New York did this. She is supposed to be an influencer but behaves more like someone under the influence of freebie booze.” Osgood Z'Beard

markerWhere is Hulme Hall Grammar School? Does it even exist in the real world? Those were the questions prompted by recipients of a flyer with all sorts of other stuff delivered by a postman with no post to offer. And as for the others, all the school had to offer was the phone number, email address and website info you get from fly-by-nighter cowboys. No danger of a street address for actual buildings.

face maskThis year's Total Bollocks Prize goes to President Boris for telling us that the chances of saving The Planet @ his November Warmist jamboree are just 6 in 10. But no doubt enough natural gas will be available to keep the venue in Glasgow unaffected by late autumn frosts.
reader comment“The Planet will be around for another 5,000,000,000 years. Can't say the same about Pres. Boris, though.” Gladston Container

markerPut the Warmism on hold
There's no gas for power stations and the wire that brings nuclear-generated electricity across the Channel from France is broken. Will the occasionals; wind & solar; bridge the gap? Will they buggery. Especially if the wires that bring wind power south from Wee Burneystan keep breaking.
   Forgetting all the Boris Green Bollocks and activating all 3 of the remaining and much reviled coal-fired power stations for affordable electricity that's reliable and able to respond to changes in the demand whims of the customers is the government's only sensible choice.
[(a) Just as well they haven't been demolished. (b) Since when did sense have anything to do with government? Ed.]

bulletQ: What is a 6-figure settlement like the one paid by the BBC to the former Royal nanny as damages for the lies told about her by M. Bashedear?
bulletA: If the figures have to be different, 1+2+3+4+5+6; or 21p; is the simplest. Or anything down to 6p if duplication is allowed.

Far Queue symbol What a giveaway when the Labour lot start moaning that the government is complacent. Translation—Sirk Reepy's gang has nothing of any use on offer.

police helmetreader comment“The police really are useless if the Home Sec. has to summon their leaders in order to bang heads together and order them to stop yobs from larking about on motorways.”

bulletToday’s Word: Nocation
1. Staying @ home to avoid being ripped off by holiday host spivs.
2. Too busy to go on holiday.

markerWomen have been cancelled in what passes for wonk culture. They are now officially 'people who are not men'. But for how long can men continue to get away with it?

Surprise! The University Ratings Board has found that St. Andrew's in the Kingdom of Fife is better than Oxo & Cantab @ satisfying its customers and delivering Value For Money to its customers.

Revealed The manufacturers of booze-laden fizzy water drinks are in trouble with Ofalc, the booze regulator, for dressing their products up in the clothing of soft drinks and pretending that their liquid is extraordinarily healthy and life-enhancing.

bulletToday’s Word: Mxknifesto
Gender-driven nit-picking with a cutting edge

MandelsleazemarkerOn manoeuvres again
The Mandelsleaze, twice sacked for absurd levels of dodginess by the dodgiest ever prime monster T.B. Liar, is so desperate for something to do that he is pretending that he would like to be the star of Sirk Reepy's Cabinet under a Labour government.
reader comment“That would be a virtual labour government? As an actual one with Sirk Reepy in charge is never gonna happen.” Dinna Giva

Mandelsleaze

Kreepy pantsreader comment“Maybe the Mandelsleaze will come up with something to deflect attention from the parallel jamboree for Labour's Semitism cancellers when the mainstream party has its conference. But don't hold your breath. Not with Baroness 'Whitewash' Chukabutty and some bloke who's the Welsh First Meenister also at the official do.” Bakkan Forth

markerShortages of staff & supplies, tax rises and unaffordable energy prices are expected to wipe out 62% of the nation's small businesses within the next 7⅓ months. Unless the government moves loadsa taxpayers' cash in their direction.

Far Queue symbol The Trivial Liberals want to make interweb access a 'uman bluddy right. Paid for by someone else, of course.
reader comment“Having oil & gas for home heating isn't on the Trivials' list, though. They want to tax both fuels out of Xistence, even though they have nothing on offer to replace them.” Penalty Jones
reader comment“Are the Trivs going to make being an astronaut another 'uman bluddy right? Sounds daft enuff and pointless enuff to be on their list.” Herbie Detector


    WEEK 1 

 
empty shelvesmarkerNow would be a good time to start panic buying
Everyone needs to start their Xmas shopping yesterday before everything runs out, is the message from the retail trade. There will be shortages due to companies not restocking some items made in China due to soaring shipping costs—some up 4x or even 10x—and a major shortage of containers because the cost of sending empty ones back to China has also gone through the roof.

bulletQ: Can we impose Western values @ the barrel of a gun? Former BBC legend & Grace Brothers essential Mr. Humphreys reckons it won't work.
bulletA: Worked for the Talibandits.
[Worked for the Talibandits until someone with more and bigger guns arrived after the attack on the World Trade Centre in New York. Worked until American realized that Afghanistan is not worth the effort.Ed.]

Really Bloody Daft Idea Is the cover of the Nirvanah album Nevermind child porn? Not if it has been around unchallenged for 30 years. Which makes the objection raised by the alleged grown-up version of the baby featured on the cover just a crude attempt to grab some cash.
first class stampreader comment“Certainly not nearly as pornographic as hiring some pervert to direct the action when you're shagging your spouse.” Anti Kuwait
reader comment“After all these years, no one is going to look @ the bloke and realize he's the kid on the album cover. Thus any embarrassment has to be totally self-inflicted by an attention-seeker. Who merits a slap round the back of the head for being a twat.” Semi Luvvi

markerMeteorological summer is now over because the boobies @ the Met Office can't handle something finishing three-quarters of the way through a month rather than tidily at the end of the previous month.


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markerAfghanistan Double-Guessers
Hearing from attention-seekers, long lists of things that might, maybe, perhaps have turned out differently if things had been handled differently in the past is of no help to the task of dealing with the present as it is.
   In fact, their witterings are just a distraction from doing what needs to be done, which makes being as rude as possible to them when telling them to fuck off the only sensible way to treat them.

bulletrageThere's only one thing to say to all the people bitching about what happened in Afghanistan. It happened, you can't change it no matter how long you go on about it, so shut up or drop dead.
Your choice.
reader comment“It has all happened and there's nothing Those People can do to reverse anything. so hear, hear! to that belt up and drop dead message.” Roger Lithium
reader comment“Those People making themselves useful by belting up or dropping dead? Never going to happen. It's against their religion to be useful.” Roger Swell

markerNo bugger is impressed
The Bonk of England's management is trying to pretend that this national institution never had anything to do with anyone who had anything to do with the slave trade or knew anyone in the biz, or anyone had even heard of it.
   But it's just Those People being posturing hypocrites again, like they do. Yawn.

Far Queue symbol Creaky Joe has awarded the Talibandits US military hardware which cost taxpayers in the Untied States some $70 BILLION. Black Hawk helicopters, which are the bee's knees, were included in the package.


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yell!Scary Carrie is getting the blame for letting an ex-marine, who was living in Afghanistan, claim priority over people for his 200 pets during the evacuation operation @ Kabul airport.

marker Do we care that Scary Carrie's refurb of the 11 Downing Street residential flat cost President Boris £52K or even more?
   We'd have been bovvered only if it had cost £520K and the taxpayer had been stuck with the bill rather than His Borisness.
   Those People obviously have way too much time on their hands if they're moaning about this.

Be Advised The national treasure Pete Boggs is to cop for around £16,000,000 of taxpayers' cash. Or something.

markerAs a result of the Chinese plague, the NHS has run out of the glass vials used for blood samples and its Dracula Department is currently on short time. Or even no time at all, in places. So if you're thinking of going to your GP for a blood test, think again because the chances are you won't get it. Unless you take your own bottle.

RevealedPutin the Poisoner makes the opponents he railroaded into a penal colony cum re-education camp near Moscow pretend to watch Soviet propaganda films for 8 hours per day, every day. The bastard!

bulletToday's Explanation: posthumorous biopic—one which takes the Mick out of those of the departed who deserve it.

adam peaty tattoos


Olympic swimist A. Peaty offers us an awful warning about the perils of not paying attention . . .



bullet The New Normal is a steady increase in the number of people killed and injured by drunk drivers, and one-eighth of the NHS budget spent on diabetes—something which is rising relentlessly.

first class stampreader comment“Luvvie actresses who claim that the Xtinctionists are the only people who are doing anything to ensure the survival of The Planet need to be clapped in the stocks for a couple of wet weekends.” Claud Fingers
reader comment“Especially if they agree that broccoli is The Planet's main enemy, which can be combatted only by dancing round clumps of it in city streets.” Inn Kitin
reader comment“Same with the exhibitionists who take their top off to show off a boob job in the name of saving The Planet. The only snag is that they would enjoy a chance to show off their boobs in the stocks a bit too much.” Carey Crocodile
first class stampreader comment“Maybe we could export the Xtinctionists to Afghanistan to tell the Talibandits how they can make a contribution toward saving The Planet. It's not as if they have anything useful to do with themselves. That's the Talibandits and the Xtinctionists.” Hac Atthe
reader comment“If Afghanistan can afford to give guns & ammo to millions of thugs, it can afford to feed and educate its population, and create somewhere decent to live without our help.” Hazi Tate

reader comment“Def Con One? We all know what a con is, don't we!” Mik Groaning

bullet The BBC is currently shedding licence payers at an average rate of half a million per year through its inability to compete with the streamers.

talk Self-appointed Xperts are claiming that if the British Army hadn't been shrunk to its present miserable state over the years, we'd still be in charge in Afghanistan. Without the Yanks? Dream on!
reader comment“Apparently, Creaky Joe is getting the blame for all the equipment which the Afghan army just handed over to the Talibandits by running away. Dreadful injustice!” Frei Degg

Far Queue symbol If you think Uncle Ben was cancelled by company bosses pandering to nasty bastard rachelists DON'T BUY THE RICE!
[And anything else on offer. Ed.]

first class stampbulletSomeone had to get Ameriqua out of Afghanistan. Creaky Joe turned out to be the man for the job. He's just there for the one term; if that; and not bothered what lame ducks around the world think of him. And he is a man loaded with self-esteem who insists that he can do no wrong, especially when he's doing the right thing.
reader comment“The only thing keeping Creaky Joe in office and safe from a trumped-up impeachment by treacherous Democraps is the knowledge that dumping him in favour of VP Harrisment will make things 137 times worse.” Rain Monsoon

markerPutin the Poisoner has banned a long-serving BBC journalist from ever going back to Putinstan as a threat to his security. Clearly she has been doing a first-class job of exposing all the corruption there.

Far Queue symbol England's footballers got a richly deserved barrage of booing when they did the knee of shame before last night's World Cup thrashing of Hungary. And quite right, too.

markerJust so you know
Politics is the Art of the Possible; in theory. Opposition; in fact; is the art of claiming that only you know all the answers to everything and it's not your fault if the wheels come off when the people are stoopid enough to make your gang the government.

Nicola


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Find out the easy way
   Glug a tinnie of Nicola . . .
      Glug another . . .
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marker 96% of today's young people can't cope with mental change and climate health in a time of pandemic. Not even if they try a little bit.

markerFractious Foreigner
Greenhouse Grotter has thrown a wobbly in the direction of Wee Burneystan. She doesn't think Wee Bee & Co. are global leaders in the field of gorbal warmage fraud and so she doesn't think it's worth her while going to the Gorbal Warmage Jamboree in Glasgow.
[The appearance fee not high enough? Ed.]
   Wee Bee had no comment to make but her expression (she was maskless on a junket) said: "And I hate you, too."

Be Advised Despite all the kerfuffle in Afghanistan and all the tripe talked about it, the Chinese plague is still here and it's not going anywhere anytime soon.

bulletQ: Does it matter that Morcambe & Wise (hugely successful comedians) didn't think much of a lot of the (hugely successful) output of the Monty Python gang?
bulletA: Not even one bean, never mind a hill of them. Not even 0.0000001 of a single bean.

trambullet83% of the nation's department stores have vanished out of business over the last 5 years, leaving major shopping centres with vacancy levels of 50-80%. The practice by local councils of wringing every last cent out of motoring shoppers through parking fees and fines for minor transgressions of pointless rules is a major contributing factor.

Shriek!

bulletToday’s Sound Advice:
No way to win, no way to lose?
Take a step sideways,
Head for the booze.


markerYou just have to deal with it
The New Normal of not letting customers consult a GP face-to-face in a surgery has resulted in a sharp increase in deaths due to collateral damage—the effects of delayed treatment for serious conditons and infections picked up as a result of emergency hospital admissions.
   The nett effect is to reduce the NHS customer base significantly and take pressure off it. Brilliant strategy? Not something the Department of Health would acknowledge or admit.
reader comment“Vanishment of customers is going to put a big cramp on the lifestyle of the online doctors making a hundred quid per hour out of remote viewing. No chance of a tax reduction for the customers if the NHS wages bill drops, though.” Alvin Comparator

markerSonic Revenge
look both There has been a surge of phantom pings in recent weeks. They appear to be coming from the NHS crApp as a warning of possible exposure to the Chinese plague but hackers are believed to be infiltrating the system to take a pop at enemies and people who deserve some griet.
   F'rinstance—the Scittish government has said nothing about a phantom being the probable cause, but Wee Burney Sturgeon was pinged at the end of last month and had to self-isolate pending the outcome of a PCR test.
   Lotz more of the same is expected!

tick symbolUS flagPresident Creaky Joe's new vision for the Untied States is to stop wasting American lives and wealth on trying to civilize junk nations like Afghanistan and to concentrate on what's best for the people of Ameriqua.
   Sounds like something very worthwhile.
[Much too worthwhile not to be sabotaged by Those People. Ed.]

marker The Xperts have determined that drivers with a pocket phone in their vehicle, even if it's switched off, make significantly more errors than phoneless drivers, and they are much more crash-prone.

lanes closed signMore taxpayers’ cash wasted
The software controlling the signs on 'smart' motorways is even more crash-prone than phone-bearing drivers. It is liable to freeze for hours on end, locking the 'operators' out of the system.
   Clearly, rebranding Highways England as National Highways has done nothing to address the endemic crapness of this sorry outfit.

bullet Today's useful German word:
Eisenbahnknotenpunkthinundherschieber
—the bloke who pulls & pushes the lever which operates a set of points [context: a railway shunting yard]

Bollocks to BarnierJust what they need
bullet Bollocks to Barnier, the EFU henchman who screwed up the Brexit negotions, now wants a turn as the president of France. But it's unlikely that the Yellow Vest Pests will stand for that.

marker Why has the power company Eon combined with the clothing company Next? Could it be that Eon Next is hoping to sell warm clothing to people who can't afford over-priced green energy when the gorbal warmage fraudsters push us into another Ice Age?

Far Queue symbol Gulp! The revered ex-President JFK Kennedy was the Harvey Wheensteen of his day. "Shag me and you'll be made for life" was his pitch to impressionable young girls half his age.
reader comment“So the assassins bullets are being spun as the saviour of womankind now?” Barry Kobammer

markerFar Queue symbol The bloke who murdered JFK's bro, the presidential wannabe RFK Kennedy, thinks he should be allowed out of gaol at the age of 77 after wasting his entire life behind bars 'coz he has been to anger management classes and Alcoholics Unanimous sessions.
   Three-quarters of RFK's ginormous tribe of kids don't want S. Sirhan back on the streets of Ghod's Country. The other two are not bovvered.

markerDo we feel better for knowing this?
A late-August Xtinctionist extended tantrum in London proved/confirmed two things. 1. They are a complete waste of space. 2. The police of the Metrolopis, like their leader, Dockson of Dick Green, are a complete waste of space.

markerImmunity from Scepticism? Nope!
meeja tramp Poi ZonosPoi Zonos, our roving meeja tramp, reports: Major tragedy for Prince Hairy & Mhegan the Merciless! The official Meeja Complaints Bureau has ruled that it is okay for ITV's tough-minded pundits (when it has any) not to be impressed by the Sussex Whingers and to express total disbelief in the fictions which their spin-doctors attempt to foist on the rest of us as long as one of Those People is around to do some toadying in the name of balance.
   As a result of the ruling, Mhegan the Merciless is now going to have to get used to being known as Princess Pinocchio of the Fiction Factory.

Aaagh!bullet Dave the ex-Leader's commercial clout knows no bounds. Having made $10 million from the failed Greenswill adventure, he's in line for more zillions when a tech firm based in the tax-haven of Bermuda, in which he has a small investment, goes public.
[There is nowt like being an ex-prime monster for raking in the dosh. Even TheRazor May seems to be managing it. Ed.]

Blast From The Past: When were Romiley's entrepreneurs after planning permission for a drop-in centre for trans-sexual transvestites on Riverside Drive? Back in January 2007!!

CFL logoCrunch, Friday, Licking—all action in Ottawa
The Alouettes got a field goal from their opening drive in the nation's capital but missed a 50 yarder after the next drive stalled. Nichols was picked to give them another go. Bang! TD from the Redblacks' 34, Adams to Lewis, 10-0 in the 14th minute.
   The RBs returned the kick off to the MA 27, 2 & FG, 10-3 to close Q1. Another FG for the Als, 13-3. Some DPI by the RBs helped them to another TD, 20-3. Finally, a decent RB drive, Davis to Petermann for a TD, 20-10, 3 minutes to go. Some hurdling got Lewis 27 yards and he took a TD pass, 27-10. The RBs were sacked to a FG as the last play of the half, 27-13.
   The Als missed a FG in Q3 but their next drive produced a TD for Weineke, 34-13. In Q4, a pick-6 by Levels put the Als 41-13 ahead. The RBs had to punt, pinned the Als deep and sacked Adams in his end zone for a safety, 41-15. Then they marched to the MA 2 and Davis went in for a TD, no +2, 41-21.
   The RB on-side kick off try didn't work and DPI in their end zone let the Als bring on veteran 90 Sewel to barge in for a TD. The PAT was blocked with flags flying on both sides of the line. Back 5 yards, try again, 48-21 with 3 minutes left.
   Another TD for Petermann and +2 made the score a slightly more respectable 41-29 with 2 minutes left. The Als went 2 & punt but picked the first RB play, ate some clock, kicked a FG and made the final score 51-29. Phew! Some opener to Labour Day Weekend!

talkbulletQ: Who is to blame for the shambles in Afghanistan? The Foreign Sec. or his gangs of minions?
bulletA: The shirk @ home wonks of the Foreign Office are the People's Choice, according to a recent poll.

reader comment“If Funding Freedom is unauthorized with no input at all from Prince Hairy & Princess Pinocchio, no wonder it's a bollocksography. What else could it be?” Prak Tickle

Not many smiles expected
The city of Glasgow is bracing itself for a November surge of the Chinese plague as thousands of ThePlanet-wreckers flood there for a gorbal warmage jamboree.
   The junketeers will not be required to do PCR testing to find out if they are plague carriers and the wreckers from travel red-list countries will not be required to spend 10 days doing quarantine in a grotty hotel.
[The only consolation for the city is that it might be spared the presence of Greenhouse Grotter, who is holding out for a better adoration deal. Ed.]

Get the ‘f’ out
Be AdvisedThe words 'shiftiness' and 'shitiness' can be used interchangeably when the context is politicians.

pound coinA Gordon F. Broon strategy
The government has come up with a cunning way to reduce overpopulation. An eye-watering tax on disposable nappies will discourage snoflakes from having children as they will be unable to cope with all the Xtra effort of dealing with the reuseable kind.


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Dooshank & Grabitas of Romiley, 32 Riverside Lane


Good NewsPresident Boris is expected to support the campaign to put the Talibandits in charge of the UN's Gorbal Warmage Delivery Strategy. Only they have the Xpertise to save The Planet—as demonstrated by the way they saved Afghanistan from Truth, Decency & the American Way.

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal”
reader comment“Is Marsman Musk planning to be visiting his colony on the Red Planet when one of his human-size servitor robots gets its wires crossed and Xterminates the owner? Or locks an entire family in the garage and leaves them to starve to death? Triggering a claim for billions of bucks in compen-bloody-sation for a handful of quite ordinary lives?” Mann Churia

flood warningbulletQ: What do you get if you build a city in a spot where high-strength hurricanes have a habit of making their landfall?
bulletA: New Orleans flooded and bashed to bitz over and over and over again and the flood waters filled with alligators.

bullet No such troubles in Canada, where it's L*A*B*O*U*R* Day.

bulletQ: If the symptoms of blood cancer are varied & often very vague, is it any surprise that 99.998213% of the population don't know what they are?
bulletA: Nope. Nor is it a surprise that the government is having an awareness campaign which will alarm lotz of people to no good effect.

cross symbolThe Royal College of Nursing is not moving its annual conference online due to complaints of serial gropage just because its chairman is into bondage and polyamorism and making inappropriate remarks on the internet. Oh, no.

police helmetUniform means . . . uniform
The Police of the Metrolopis are making their uniforms gender-neutral, which means that those coppers who don't know which sex they are will have to wear trousers, like men & women, and bloody well like it.
   This is being offered as a great stride forward instead of another example of PC BS. No surprise there.

look leftNo wonder H.M. The Queen put the Lucian Freud 'portrait' of herself in a cupboard for the last 20 years. It's a likeness of a sort but rather crudely done and dragging it out for an exhibition to mark the centenary of the artist's birth does him no favours.
   It's not anything up to Old Master standard, that's for sure
reader comment“A wonk working for theGuardian described it as probably the best portrait of any royal anywhere for 150 years when it was first unveiled. Obviously an attention-seeking toady rather than someone who knew what they were talking about.” Stone E. Broke

bulletBlast From The Past
Back in December 2006, the corrupt bliar labour ministry for climate change was recommending that everyone in the country should be obliged to double their daily water consumption to 5 litres to prevent sea levels from rising.

BonquersThe Xperts reckon that men who mumble are more attractive to women than people who speak clearly. Probably because if no one can make out what they're saying, no one realizes they are total idiots muttering garbage.

marker The Xtinction Rebellion vandals & eco fascists are accusing the charity junkie World Wildlife Fund of eco fascism. Well, they should know all about that.

look both"Hundreds of thousands of customers will receive cholesterol-lowering injections biannually from their GP as an alternative to taking daily statin pills", was the announcement.
   But this will not go ahead until the NHS has worked out how to do the injecting remotely via an internet conference call as GPs are no longer meeting customers in person.

Far Queue symbol Yesterday's remarks by Trivial Democrap leader Sired Davey were described as a kick in the teeth to those remaining UK nationals in fear for their lives inside Afghanistan.

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Be Advised Correction: Due to a typographical error and the poor English comprehension of a junior staff member, the Prime Monster was described as being in gaol over his parenting activities.
   In fact, he is in goal for his extended family's football team.
   We trust this clears up any misunderstanding.

bulletToday's Russian Phrase: zapassniy chelovek—useless lump
[see also: Prince Hairy Ed.]

CFL logoSunday Nite in Regina & points hard to come by
A punt by the Roughriders to start. RRs lining up offside gave the Blue Bombers a third & inches, on to a 56-yard FG try, missed. A pick stopped the RR, DPI in their end zone set up a TD for McGuire, 7-0.
   The RR defence forced & recovered a fumble; nothing from it. The home team's first point came from a punt in Q2, 7-1. Their next drive produced a 54-yard FG, 7-4. Lots of defence, another rouge for the RR in the last 3 minutes from a missed FG, 7-5. The BB missed a FG try in the last minute and an outrageous roughing the kicker penalty needed a challenge to be wiped out. Fajardo wasted most of the remaining time, FG, 7-8 at half time.
   More defence in Q3. DPI in the RR end zone let the BB go ahead with a TD, no +2, 13-8. An interception let them increase their lead to 16-8 with a FG after 5 minutes of Q4. A TD for Demski with 4 minutes left sealed a 23-8 win for the Blue Bombers.

Duck House of the August MoonmarkerMore into nowhere won’t go
It comes as no surprise to hear that local councils are not offering homes to thousands of imports from Afghanistan. We're full up with poor people & illegal-entrant migrants, and there just isn't the space for a huge influx of more of the same. Some innovative thinking on the subject is long overdue. Not to mention some effective action.

bulletBrilliant Idea!
Change the law to prevent legal spivs from making money out of lodging vextatious appeals against the deportations. Then deport the 11,000 foreign criminals who have spent over 12 months enjoying the taxpayer's hospitality in a British gaol to make room for 10,000 useful Afghans.

Amazing Fact 90% of the plague patients on a ventilator in hospital have not been vaccinated. Could it be that the plague is doing its best to kill off anti-vaxx spreaders?

markerThere are blatant gorbal warmage frauds and there is
petrol + 10% ethanol, which is in a league of its own

The government is pretending that petrol mixed with 10% of ethanol from suspect sources is a wonder fuel which will save The Planet. That is a black lie. All gasohol does is extend existing petroleum stocks, which will last for another 200 years, even if exploration for new oil deposits is halted forthwith. Nothing more. As for reducing carbon dioxide levels in the atmosphere, that is a lie of corrupt blair labour dodgy dossier proportions.
bullet Bad news for anyone with an old vehicle or lawnmower. It won't be able to cope with gasohol, which will wreck the feed system. That's anything pre 2011, which is something not in the government's propaganda. Along with the cost of scrapping every old car in sight.
   There are 113 more excellent reasons why gasohol is a bad idea. But hey, when has the government ever been on our side?

MeghanocchioBliar If Princess Pinocchio dumped Prince Hairy, went for the money and married Tony B. Liar, imagine what the kids would look like!
reader comment“The probing nose would be entering the Freeloaders' Bar & Grill a good ten minutes before the rest of the offspring. Giving everyone in there a fair chance to duck. Very public-spirited.” Trigger Treat

markerBritain's nuclear submarines could be relocated from Wee Burneystan to the US facility @ Guantanamo Bay should the Scots ever vote for independence. Moving them to Devonport makes much more sense, but what does good sense have to do with political decisions?

bulletIt is clear that the bozos of the WHO don't understand alphabets if they think alpha, beta, gamma and delta varieties of the Chinese plague should be followed by a mu variant.

markerBig blow for the propaganda departments of the teaching unions. Teachers are 23% less likely than anyone else to end up in hospital with the Chinese plague, which removes an excuse for keeping them out of schools.
reader comment“We have heard a loada BS about vaccinating kiddies or not. But the fact of the matter is that it can't be done 'coz of the shortage of delivery drivers and a consequent inability to distribute supplies of the vaccine.” Dick Tater

burglarHigh old time in the frozen north
Criminals are expected to enjoy a fiesta of crime in other parts of Scotland when the gorbal warmage fraudsters invade Glasgow in November for their international fiesta and most of Police Scotland is rushed to Wee Burneystan's First City to keep the fraudsters under surveillance.
tick symbol Terrorists & drug dealers everywhere in the UK will have a particularly good time as a shortage of sniffer dogs means that every one of them in Britain will be in Glasgow from now until the end of November.
bulletQ: COP26—what's that all about?
bulletA: It's a combined acronym and number code. Translating the numbers into letters, it becomes COPBF, which stands for Convenience Of Public Be Fukt.

CFL logoLabour Day Double Bill Part 1
The Argos were in Hamilton, where the Tigercats opened their account with a FG then stopped the Argos with a pick. Nothing from it. The Argos drove into Q2 and kicked a FG for 3-all.
   The Cats went ahead with a TD after 5 minutes, 3-10. Both QBs ate turf. The Argos got a rouge from a punt and the defences took over for the rest of the half. A story which continued in Q3. But, Bang! A TA punt returned for a TD by Williams, no flags, 4-17 after 8 minutes. Then Evans passed 57 yards to White for a TD, +2, 4-25 after 13 minutes.
   Sacks & punts into Q4. A rouge from a punt put the Cats 4-26 ahead. Rogers dropped a 2nd down catch at the TC 1 but took a catch in the end zone on 3rd down, 11-26, 7 minutes left. A TC punt left the Argos pinned deep. A pass by Arbuckle from his goal line was tipped to the Cats, TD from it, the PAT missed, 12-32. And that was how the Tigercats' 7th Labour Day win over the Argonauts in a row finished.

    WEEK 2 

 
markerSelf-correcting Catastrophe
The crisis caused by a lack of GPs; mainly due to early retirements; is expected to be solved fairly quickly by making filling in online forms instead of face-to-face consultations the new normal.
   Unhealthy customers are expected to die off in numbers sufficient to make the health service crisis dissolve with politically acceptable rapidity.
postage stampreader comment“When you think about it, the nation is back to the state it was in before the wartime government came up with the idea of a National 'Elf Service.
   “Back then, hardly anyone went to see a doctor because they couldn't afford it. Now, hardly anyone is going to see a doctor because they're not seeing customers any more.” Nokan Dhu

Far Queue symbol Loss of habitat due to the Talibandits is now seen as a main cause of wildlife endangerment. This conclusion is supported by a rise in the tuna population as the Talibandit is not sea-going species.

CFL logoLabour Day Double Part 2: Drowned in History
Edmonton Antlers helmet The Stampeders got a FG from their opening drive against the Antlers in Calgary. The visitors replied with a 45 yard TD pass, Harris to Edwards, 7-3. Lots of defence & argy bargy, Whyte of the EA missed a 48-yard FG try!!
   In Q2, a bomb got the Ants to the CS 6, TD, 14-3. An outrageous roughing the passer call stopped the Stamps from going out on downs, a TD from the next play, 14-10. Whyte had another FG try and hit the upright. Defence for the remaining 2 minutes.
   DPI helped the Stamps to a TD in Q3 and 14-17. A bomb to Walker and a FG for the Ants, 17-all. The Stamps went back ahead with a FG in Q4, 17-20. Wilder in for a TD from the CS 10, 24-20 with 8 minutes to go. The Stamps missed a 48-yard FG try. Harris to Jones, 53 yards for a TD, 31-20 with 2:39 left. Plus a single from the kick off, 32-20. Maier was sacked, 3rd & 18 @ the EA 31, a pass to the end zone was batted away. The end.
reader comment“At least the Stamps can claim they weren't beat by the Edmonton Eskimos. It was some new outfit called the Antlers wot done 'em in!” E. Klips

TalibanditOreilles de Tissu
reader comment“I was baffled by an item on the news about thousands of chainsaws vanishing from British high streets. Is this Islamist terrorists planning attacks with something more alarming than a kitchen knife or a machete? I asked myself.
   “All was explained when I paid attention to a news summary and discovered that it is chain stores which are vanishing in alarming numbers, not chainsaws. Phew! Panic over.” Robby Nood

reader comment“Why the hell should the government have to consult the people who used to live in Grenfell Tower over demolishing the shell as a matter of public safety? It's not as if they own the place. It's not as if they live there any more. Get a life. Move on.” Kevel Lasrouge

1st class stampreader comment“Should we still be paying doctors big bucks if the customers need a medical degree to be able to do a self-diagnosis and tell some voice on a phone what's wrong with them?” Bombda Fukoota

Revealed Afghan migrants who can drive a lorry or van are being fast-tracked into the UK to replaced the vanished Europeon delivery drivers.

bullet Greenhouse Grotter has made herself even more popular in Wee Burneystan by revealing that she is not impressed by the coalition between the SNP and the Greens. But HTFK in the real world? It's not as if her opinion is worth any more than that of the average crackpot or Xtinctionist.

marker How much coke can a tennis player snort during an 8-minute toilet break? Answers on a PC to the usual address.

markerThe Monstrous Regiment heard from
football We are being assured that England will never win another World Cup until the entire coaching staff and the management is made 100% female. We are invited to accept that the evidence of the last 50 years is that men are just not up to the job.
[That's 100% real women, not blokes pretending to be female. Ed.]
reader comment“Message to current England manager G. Southgate—we want your players to stand together. It's their habit of kneeling down in support of criminals that is getting them booed mercilessly.” S. Treuth

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outragemarkerWell spotted
An alert reader has pointed out that the gasohol scam is out of the same box as the one concocted by a government think tank during the corrupt blair labour era.
   As revealed in BFN for March 2007, customers filling up with petrol @ a supermarket were finding themselves having to stump up a small fortune to replace an oxygen sensor, which had been wrecked by an additive in the fuel.
   Gasohol wrecking the fuel feed system of older vehicles to force customers to waste thousands on buying an electric car is just as sinister.

bulletQ: How much ammo have the Talibandits wasted on heiling their sieg?
bulletA: There seems to be an infinite amount for scumbags to blast skyward, thus there is no point in attempting to make a guess.

bullet Dognappers could be gaoled for 7 years but none of them will be.
reader comment“No, the judge will probably tell them to read works of literature by Jane Austen and Nick Carter and let them off with a warning.” Ellie Mentary

Good News Britain's counter-o'besity campaigners are cheered immeasurably by the delivery driver shortage, which is preventing supermarkets from restocking with fattening fizzy drinks.

Prince HairyRevealed Prince Hairy has received a Dumkopf Award for not knowing the difference between real world news media and the dreck offered by auntiesocial meeja on the interweb.
   His confusion has been blamed on an excess of Californian sun, which has fried what little brain he has.
reader comment“If hate speech, sheer misinformation & online negativity are all rejected, is there anything left of the Gospel according to Prince Hairy and Princess Pinocchio?” Martin Crosstalk

look left Grade inflation has reached the point where everyone, almost, is getting an A-grade in school exams. As a result, A** and even A*** grades are about to be introduced to create a degree of separation.
   There is much speculation over what those letters o'bliterated by those asterisks could be!

ragecross symbol Refurb of the Big Ben clock & Elizabeth Tower budget—£29 million.
Actual cost—£80 million & rising.
Accountability for the discrepancy—there is none.
No one is surprised. Nor is anyone surprised by attempts by a newspaper to stir up outrage in non-English MPs over the repainting the emblem on half a dozen shields bearing the Cross of St. George in their original red. They were painted black in the 1930s as a pragmatic admission that pollution was getting the better of everywhere.

bullet A recent poll put the popularity of GPs only slightly ahead of that of tax inspectors. Bottom line? Don't get ill 'coz if you do, you'll croak if it's serious enuff. Especially if your local GP surgery has no resident doctors.

Kreepy pantsbullet Sirk Reepy is in Big Trouble. Neil Pillock thinks he's doing a fairly adequate job of being Labour leader, which is not exactly a glowing recommendation.
   Worse, O.J. Corbynstein, expelled from the party for Xtremism, will be allowed to creep about on the fringes of the next Labour party conference to undermine Sirk Reepy even more.

Shriek!Far Queue symbolAs part of their vexatiously annoying agenda, anti-alcohol fanatics are lobbying for the government to insist that a warning be placed on the label of any product which is likely to be sold in premises which stock booze.

bullet The Chinese regime has banned "girlie guys" from appearing on TV as part of its "no poofters" policy.

bullet There is a name for people who can't stand to be near annoying fuss-budgets & fidgets—they are misokinetics. Don't you feel better for knowing that?

Far Queue symbol England's footballers are still taking the Knee of Shame before international matches. As a result, Polish fans booed them, and their own country's kneelers, loudly enough to be heard in the next town before the 1-all draw in Warsaw yesterday.

bulletBlast From The Past: February 2007
"A person who claims they are doing something effective by going carbon neutral is like someone putting a single grain of sand on a beach and claiming they've stopped coastal erosion in its tracks."

Far Queue symbol One of the main PCR testing companies is under investigation for incompetence, fraud & crap customer support. Nothing much is expected to come out of the investigation.

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Far Queue symbol Having given the matter due consideration, we don't give a rattenkranz that the rather appalling writer H. Mantell is orf to Ireland so that she can become a Europeon again.
reader comment“If she's so degenerately anti-Britisch and anti-Royal, why does she klingon to her medal as a Dame Commander of the Britisch Empire instead of sending it back? Just another effin' notice me hypocrite.” Bash Talverise

WTFH + + + Home Sec. P. Patel goes bonquers + + + Ready to offer appalling Dockson of Dick Green 2 more years at boss of Police of Metrolopis + + + Entire nation totally outraged + + + Will Boris the Chump sack her? + + + Unlikely + + +

Far Queue symbol A mere 10% of shirk @ homers have been threatened with a pay cut if they don't return to the workplace.

markerApologist Outed
A. Sharma, president of the gorbal warmage fraudsters' jamboree due to be held in Glasgow in November, has been revealed to be in the pocket of the Chinese regime. He claims the Red Peril is doing lots to counter climate change despite being responsible for most of it, according to the gorbal warmage fraudsters' own scenario.

marker The Talibandits have upset the BLAME Bunchers by overpainting pictures of their hero, G. Floyd, in Kabul with propaganda messages in scribble.

Far Queue symbol Who's in charge of what passes for a government in Afghanistan? Bad guys let out of Guantanamo Bay by President O'Bummer. Something else for a grateful world to chalk up on his legacy list.

Putin the PoisonerbulletQ: How does Putin the Poisoner's party in Putinstan seek to swindle opponents out of a fair chance to win an election?
bulletA: By getting a pair of stooges to change their names legally to that of the targetted opponent, change their appearance to an approximation to that of the target and stand as 'independents' in the election in the hope of stealing the votes of customers who are not paying full attention to where they make their mark.

bulletQ: Should Prince Chuck's main man, Fawcett the Fence, be scrapegoated for indulging in cash for honours to fund the prince's charity?
bulletA: Sounds deeply unfair if he was just following the new normal established by corrupt blair labour at the beginning of this century.
reader comment“It's not as if the Mandelsleaze, Blunk & all the rest haven't been allowed to get away with worse.” Chael Sieve

Home Secretary Priti Patel

Public Appeal

Lost or Stolen

The Marbles of the lovely but loopy Home Sec. who gave the useless Dockson of Dick Green another 2 years of failing to do the job she is overpaid to do.

No Reward

Cressida Usless Dick

police helmetWe’re in “really sad but true” territory
The only reason why the Home Sec. offered the thoroughly shamed Dockson of Dick Green a 2-year extension to her contract as boss of the Met is that everyone working for Dockson is a totally woke wonk leftover from the corrupt blair labour era, who will make an even HUGER mess of the job than Dockson has managed.
   Thus what we have on the taxpayer's hands is a case of going for the least worst of the worst, even if there is not much in it.

Sleepy JoeFact-checker failure?
POTUS Creaky Joe is in trouble with the record keepers for claiming that getting 120,000 Americans plus satellites out of Afghanistan quickly was something unique & amazing.
   Shame that it is overshadowed by getting 330,000 British troops plus satellites across the Channel from Dunkirk in 10 days during 1940. Better luck next time, Joe.

eyesAlways Unread, the memoirs of looney left Unite boss & hypocrite L. McCluskey, is Xpected to set new records for discounts offered to shift a few extra copies and the speed of its trip to the bargain bin.

marker The Chinese regime is planning to drive pigs into extinction in its part of the world by creating slabs of pork muscle cells in bioreactors, which are expected to come on stream in 2025.

look rightFar Queue symbol Social Care Minister H. Whately is facing the sack for pretending that it is essential for the Education Sec. to be a football fan. Surprising as it may seem, following football is not considered to be an essential part of everyone who works @ the Min. of Education, and G. Williamson not knowing what the players look like, even the of colour ones in pursuit of sainthood, is neither a sign of rachelism nor one of incompetence.

bullet Another ship ran aground and blocked the Suez canal for a while this week, but it was shifted quickly and didn't cause the chaos inflicted on the world's shipping by the Ever In The Bloody Way back in March.

Far Queue symbol The Winston Churchill Memorial Trust has fallen into the hands of lunatics, who are attempting to remove all traces of the wartime prime minister from the outfit.
reader comment“I can just see people rushing to thrust cash at a charity called 'The Memorial Trust for Someone We Are Much Too Ashamed To Mention'.” Cisco Alpaq

Perspective Significantly, there was no mention of what is bound to be an outrageous price @ the unveiling of a new BMW electric car made of 100% recycled and recyclable-in-their-turn materials.
   Which makes it just a vanity project, more likely than not.

The Speaker of the Commons has felt obliged to warn all the lazy buggers who infest in the Chamber that they WILL continue to be suspended if they call another inmate a liar instead of making an effort to justify the charge with a properly reasoned argument.


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DIY guymarkerExcellent alibi for inaction
Want a good excuse for continuing to ignore that annoying and non-essential DIY job @ home? Have a good moan about the rip-off price of tools & building materials of all descriptions thanks to locko and the current dearth of delivery drivers. Inaction until prices return to affordable levels is the only sensible course right now.

Far Queue symbol The EFU has retired to its bunker and stopped attempting to ban the free movement of sausages and other chilled meat products from the UK mainland to Northern Ireland. Same with applying unnecessary red tape to the movement of other goods to another part of the UK. For the nonce.

CFL logoFriday Nite Single
The Tigercats & Argonauts did some punting in T'ronno then the Argos reached the red zone. A challenge got unspotted end zone DPI penalized, Arbuckle in for a TD, 0-7 after 13 minutes. The first play of Q2 was picked by the Argos and Foster barged 40 yards for a TD, 0-14.
   A big pass play got the Cats to FG range then a 39-yarder put them in the end zone. 7-14. An end zone pick stopped the next Argo drive and defences remained in charge until Q3. A FG put the Argos 7-17 ahead after 7 minutes. More defence, more sacks into Q4. Evans, running for his life, kept the Cats going to a FG, 10-17 with 10 minutes to go.
   Lots of defence to the 3 minute warning. A too casually thrown away ball was picked by the Cats @ the Argo 50. Almost a TD on the next play. The Cats made a 3rd & 10! And kept going to a TD. Bonk! The conversion attempt hit the top of the right post!! 16-17 with 1:24 to go. The Argos punted but the Cats didn't have enuff time left to do anything. Phew!

Finding Freedom
BombshellCasting couches are being warmed up in preparation for sorting out who will be in the Hollywood blockbuster charting the escape of 6 unimaginably dangerous Palestinians from Israel's escape-proof prison in the north of the country.
   Armed only with a rusty spoon, the legend goes, the sextet dug a tunnel to a sewer, which provided an escape route.
update400 other prisoners are being moved out of the escape-proof gaol to prevent them from providing further embarrassing proof that it isn't.

Aaagh!Just cough up the bloody money
Internet influencer spivs; especially those with a massive bottom; are in trouble for taking cash to get their customers to 'invest' in dodgy Bitcoin-clone schemes & scams.
   Billions of dollars have poured into black holes associated with coins with zero tangible & visible assets in the real world and having a 'value' which fluctuates arbitrarily according to the needs of the black hole operator.

telephonemarkerNHS logic
Someone suffering from sudden deafness was told that their first audiology appointment would be carried out over the phone.
   "This happened even though the consultant knew that I was too deaf to hear a phone ringing," the customer complained.

Be Advised All the stories about lorry drivers taking home £54,000 per annum are being laughed out of existence by people who do it for a living. This is their top whack +50%, they reckon.

Really Bloody Daft Idea What, exactly, is the point of fining Police Scotland £100,000 for contributing to the death of a woman by ignoring for 3 days, reports of the crashed car in which she was dying beside the dead body of the bloke who was driving?
   Sacking the people guilty of neglect of duty and those responsible for the system that let it happen is the only thing that makes any sense, if only pour encourager les autres.

computerClosed Circle
If some scumbag thief steals your computer, don't expect a copper to turn up on your doorstep if a scam dreamt up by a former boss of the Met takes off.
   In the bright, new future, such crimes will have to be reported via a 'video chat', which means that you will have to go out and buy a new computer to report the loss of your old one.
reader comment“Or rent a computer if you think the police will get your old one back? Nah, never going to happen. Buy a new one and forget the old one. How we are looking forward to this bright, new future of policing.” Flo Latral

CFL logoSaturday Nite Triple #1
The Roughriders, in Winnipeg, kicked a FG after 5 minutes. The Blue Bombers went for 3rd & goal @ the 1, TD, the PAT missed, 3-6. A FG for the RR in Q2 made it 6-all. In their next drive, Fajardo made up for a sack by running for a 1st down but he was picked off by Bighill.
   The BB tried a FG but missed. A 53-yard pass play set up a FG for the Riders, 9-6. The BB reached the RR 1, TD, mighty punch-up during the celebration, Riders ejected, the BB got away with it. The PAT missed, 9-12. The Riders had another FG try; which missed.
   DPI in Q3 helped the Bombers to a TD, 9-19. The Riders blew another FG try. The BB went further ahead with a TD in Q4, 9-26. Their defence held up, game over when the Bombers scored a TD with 3 minutes left, 9-33 final.

Be Advised The official police explanation for not doing home visits is to avoid alerting the burglar next door, who could get the message that it is time to flee with their loot.
reader comment“Or just get ready to brazen it out and get away with it in court?” Ofa Cough

Far Queue symbol Those People are trying to scare the nation with stories of a prolonged fire-alarm locko in October. Still nothing useful to do with themselves?

bulletToday's Wisdom: Politics & Parlour Tricks—who can tell the difference?

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lanes closed signCosmetic Makeover
National Highways England is to add a few extra safety features to lethal unsmart motorways. But restoring hard shoulders for emergencies is not on the agenda and nothing will happen anytime soon.
reader comment“So it's a typical quangocrat fix? Fine words & lots of them but bugger all useful action?” Kristie Alslop

Italian winebulletQ: Are we bovvered that unseasonable cold snaps have reduced French wine production to a 44-year low and sent prices climbing?
bulletA: Nope; for 2 reasons. 1. We're not buying anything French. 2. Perfectly drinkable wines at reasonable prices are available from lots of other countries.

reader comment“People who claim to be 'victims' of buy now, pay later spivs are out of the same box as someone who chops all their toes off then complains they can't walk without falling over.” Elk Dogbone

reader comment“It's all very well getting happy-clappy about the NHS but the fact remains that it is nothing special when compared with other countries; ignoring the US, which is just plain weird. Our NHS wastes enormous amounts of cash on lunatic computer scams and overpays managers & consultants. And you can be lucky to escape alive from the clutches of some parts of it.” Ban D'Age
reader comment“What you have to remember about the NHS is that while the people at the sharp end; most of them; might be doing a grand job, it is run by the same sort of people who wish tanks that don't work and duff ships & equipment on the armed services, and arrange for people to be killed on 'smart' motorways. If your expectations are now at rock bottom, that's where they belong without a thorough shake-up of how the NHS is run.” Anne Drex
[To be clear; not a pop @ the PBI but deferably one @ the high command and the civil service mandarins who let them get away with it. Ed.]

BooblinemarkerIf there is a way to turn a bad situation into a disaster, the NHS burrocraps will find it
Why is a quarter of the UK's population on one NHS waiting list or another? Little John, the people's guru in the Daily Mail has found out the hard way.
   Whilst the NHS was doing Chinese plague cases only, the burrocraps in charge booked private sector treatment packages costing hundreds of millions of taxpayers' pounds. But they didn't send any customers to use them!!
   This is because Marxist morons and commie clots in the ranks of the NHS administrators would rather kill the customers than let them go private, even if the private treatment is already bought and paid for out of the public purse.

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tick symbol The Welsh government is taking 200 refugees from Afghanistan, which leaves only 19,800 who will still need a billet.

clownreader comment“Why are the pissants moaning about a lousy 1.25% rise in National Insurance? Gordon F. Broon put Class 2 contributions up by 9.5% and Class 3 by 4.6% in April 2007. The whingeing bastards don't know they're born.” Zhen Krovensher
[Get out of that! Ed.]

reader comment“We are assured by her apologists, including i. blair (no relation), the bloke who was sacked from her job and binned, that Dockson of Dick Green is not a bad person. But the Brazilian Killer has presided over so much illegality & covering up of shameful stuff that she has to be either 100% devoid of morals or 100% evil.” Elbow Hartly-Worthit
reader comment“If she had a scrap of decency, she would have resigned years ago. That she is still in place tells us all we need to know about her.” Captain Dooshank

cross symbolThe NHS is recruiting whole gangs of managers on £270K instead of doing anything to make sure that the £36 BILLION added on to its budget is spent wisely and effectively.
reader comment“42 of the sods, in fact. That's 42 Fat Controllers each with his/her own burrocrapic empire. The answer to Life, the Universe & Everything still rulz?” Al Banian

postage stampreader comment“We're hearing a lot of whinges about food, accommodation & heating & other basics not being included in President Boris' care cap. But these are inevitable expenses of being alive whether or not you need care. And what pensions & savings are meant to cover. But a ban on care providers charging private customers more than they get from local councils for the same service is long overdue.” Peat Alien

Far Queue symbol The regime in Putinstan has ordered Gooble & Apple to cancel crApps which let tactical voters pick a candidate for the upcoming Duma elections who has a good chance of defeating the stooge from the Putin the Poisoner party, Tiedup Russia.

markerIs it a gaffe to tell the Putinstanis to go away and shut up after they commit murder in England? Is there anything wrong with thinking French politicians have nothing to say worth listening to?
   If that's the best Those People can do in their assaults on Education Sec. G. Williamson, they might as well go away and shut up 'coz we're not listening.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

    WEEK 3 

 
Official ** PLAGUE PANIC NOW **
You might as well get it started now 'coz things will go pear-shaped when the weather gets a bit chilly and noses start running.

eyesThe Online Petition of the Moment is the one demanding that her DBE be stripped from Dockson of Dick Green and handed over to last week's sports sensation, E. Raducanoe. In second place is one demanding that the Grand Prix driver Mad Max should be forced to change his surname to Verkingstappen.


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bulletQ: Why will COP26 be a total waste of time junket for 10,000 plague carriers & Those People?
bulletA: Because China is going to keep on maximizing gorbal warmage emissions until 2030, or later if convenient. It has no plans to set its carbon neutrality target before the year 2060, or later if convenient.
bullet The good news is that omitting meaningless gorbal warmage stuff from a trade deal with Australia will make not one scrap of difference to anything.

reader comment“Don't you just wish the warmage pontificators would read a newspaper occasionally? Like the ones @ UCL here, who are telling us the vast majority of (the remaining reserves of) oil & gas shouldn't be extracted from The Planet. They obviously haven't found out that China ain't gonna stop. So what's their Plan B? Oh, there ain't one?” Nasser Crasser

Far Queue symbolThe vested interests are out in force, busy lining up to claim that women handled lock-in better than men.
reader comment“And telling every woman who didn't that she's a failure?” Clem Venko

look leftThe burghers of Glasgow are worried about the impression which their graffiti-strewn streets will make on the 10,000 plague carriers and gorbal warming fraudsters, who will descend on Wee Burneystan's First City in November for COPout26.
   But will the hospitality hounds actually ever be in a condition to see the shoddy streets should they venture out of the bars and other hospitality venues?
Far Queue symbol You can always find one: An Xpert reckons that the graffiti are a valuable commodity as they are done by people who tend to be engaged with society.
reader comment“Glasgow's gang-bangers? Seriously?” Wosser Than

Far Queue symbol The SNP is hoping to foment a winter of discontent for its own grubby & sinister purposes, the deputy leader, J. Swiney, has admitted.

skull 1markerNo Sugar, Shirley
The War on Terror will go on forever, the Xperts are telling us as an expertcise (sic erat scriptum) in the bleedin' obvious. It will never end because no one with the power to do so will have the will to root out and Xterminate ruthlessly, all of the world's BGs along with their cheerleaders and bankers and other fifth columnists.

Far Queue symbol The much disgraced accounting firm KPMG has decreed that one-third of its future bosses will have to come from the working class in the hope that members of the lower orders will do better than the toffs who have cost the firm BILLIONs in fines for botched jobs, maladministration and blind eyes turned to blatant crookedness.
   This comes from the firm that gave its previous boss the push for dismissing the utter crap of unconscious bias as utter crap and telling snoflake staff to stop moaning about pandemic working conditions.
[Other accounting firms are available; but much the same. Ed.]

Far Queue symbol Former Tory leader and prime-ministerial wannable Wm. "14 pints" Hague wants to turn Britain into a rival to Portugal as the drug capital of Yourope.

eyesNot just a pointless joke, a bluddy expensive one
The 'Uman bluddy rights commission is busy vetting job advertisements to cancel those likely to Xclude time-wasting applications from people who won't be able to do the job on offer.

bullet The British Gas slogan "Keeping Bathtime Flowing" has been banned on the grounds that it shames people who are unable to take a bath.

CFL logoOh, Crap, Mitchell is back
Edmonton Antlers helmet Lots of defence in the return match between the Antlers & the Stampeders, which was 3-all after the first quarter. The Ants started Q2 with a FG, two back at them from the Stamps for 9-6 at the end of a flag-filled half.
   In Q3, the Ants were stopped by a pick and a 2-yard TD put the Stamps 16-6 ahead. The Stamps kicked a FG after 10 minutes, one back at them to end the quarter at 19-9. One minute into Q4, a pick-6 by Washington gave the home team some hope, 19-16. Calgary field goals after 7 minutes and at the start of the last minute took it away, 25-16.
   Then the wheels came off. Harris was mugged and lost the ball. Mitchell just flung the ball downfield as the clock ran out and Jordan caught it for a TD. 32-16 final, no season sweep for either side.
reader comment“How come the Edmontonians still have EE on their shirts? Edmonton Entlers?” Furst Brainwell

French flagmarkerThey all go there eventually
Bollocks to Barnier is seeking to prove that he is as hypocritical as any other French presidential wannabe by deciding that France would abandon the Europeon Court of 'Uman bluddy Rights and no longer be subject to its lunatic rulings with him in charge. That's even though he considered it absolutely essential for post-Brexit Britain to remain under the thumb of the ECHR.

cross symboltick symbol The NHS is testing a wonderful new blood test, which is capable of detecting multiple types of hard to spot cancers—at a time when there is a national shortage of the glass phials needed for blood tests.

US flagmarkerHistory Deniers Confronted
Mental 'elf monitors in the Untied States have concluded that having too much free time with nothing useful to do with it can be as dangerous as having too much to do and insufficient time.
   This research is being offered as a explanation for the activities of the history deniers, who are seeking to tarnish every significant figure in Britain's history. The deniers are, in the main, talentless & unemployable in a responsible job, which is why they descended into mischief-making @ charities and universities.

markerThe software giant MicroSoft has found that using a computer to skive @ home can never be as productive as going to work and using a computer there. And it makes people isolated, unable to communicate and less creative.

cross symboltick symbol The actor D. Craig has been outed as a moaning whinger in real life but he manages to come across as a rough, tuff James Bond on the big screen. This paradox is being offered as the case for celebrating him as one of the best actors of all time.

icebergBe Very Afraid
How the Warmists love their tipping points. Their latest threat is that the gradual process of ice melting and water running off the Greenland ice cap could cause the compressed land beneath to rebound suddenly and violently, sending tsunamis @ the UK.
   The bad news for the insurance trade is that we are already past the imaginary tipping point and doomed. Which means that offering tsunami insurance would be fraud and put the perps in gaol; with luck, just before the first tsunami arrives.

bullet The number of really hot days in the year has more than doubled over the last 40 years from two to five. We are expected to be alarmed by this.

markerRule One of Politics
When politicians come up with a Big Idea for saving The Planet, they need to come up with two more for cleaning up the mess created by their first Big Idea.
   They also need to come up with a half-way credible explanation for why the Big Idea flopped and why it wasn't their fault.

bulletQ: Was King Canute the last honest politician, who proved that leaders are not much cop at controlling the world around them? And should we give up now?
bulletA: It will probably save a lot of time, trouble & money if we do just that.

Bagn!Grrrr! Very fiercely
A strident China is rattling its nukes, upset by a defence pact between Australia, the UK and the US. The French are also upset by the Anglosphere interfering with their empire-building ambitions in the region of the Southern Seas.
   Something else which made the regime in Peking rattle its nukes even harder was the Xclusion of the Chinese ambassodor from a do @ the Palace of Westmonster after several Britisch MPs were provided with a travel ban for daring to expose what the Chinese regime is doing to its Moslem minority. That's a ban from travelling to a country which the MPs had no intention of visiting, by the way.

reader commentEmma has lifted spirit of nation? Then how come the usual suspects are still whingeing @ every opportunity and demanding more than their fair share? One Raduecanoe just ain't enuff.” Neat Beverage

rageMisleading Headline of the Week:
Even Xperts say there’s confusion over kids’ jabs
Wrong! It's the so-called bloody Xperts who are creating ALL of the confusion with their contradictions and argy-bargy.


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markerMisheard by moonlight
"Protein distancing will be one of the measures used to contain the Chinese plague over the triple-threat winter," was what one of our correspondents thought he heard. Is this treating the customers like pieces of meat?
reader comment“Looks like a blatant attempt to outrage veggies and veganists!” Doctor Invasion

bulletQ: Will President Boris be able to do another 10 years in Downing Street and outlast Mrs. Thatcher, the last proper prime monster?
bulletA: Nope. With Scary Carrie and a tribe of young kids picking his pockets, he'll have to get back to the real world and back to earning some serious dosh before very long.

Far Queue symbol One up the kilt for cuteness is due to the marketing department of Cunard, which has cancelled cruises in favour of sailcations.

markerThose People are everybloodywhere
Newcastle University is in trouble for employing a hissy berk, who showed a yellow card (inappropriate dress) to a female medical student, who was wearing a below the knee skirt during a role-playing episode in a practical exam.
reader comment“Lucky it wasn't a bloke in the frock or the hissy berk would be picking up teeth or taking a ride to A&E with a broken nose.” Heller Nah

Explanation Time
former 'er indoorsbulletQ: The acronym ASDA is obviously the American Society of something or other, but what does the DA stand for?
bulletA: Dental Architects. It's a trade organization for cosmetic dentists.
bulletQ: ALDI?
bulletA: American League of Digital Influencers (posturing online parasites)
bulletQ: LIDL?
bulletA: Lincoln's Inn Darts League (a bunch of lawyers)

markerWhatever happened to neoclassical endogenous growth theory and why is Sir Kreepy Steamer keeping so suspiciously quiet about his involvement in it? The nation has a right to kno.

markerThings To Come?
The Organization of Islamic Nations is attempting to rehab its Xplosively tarnished religion and the Talibandits by lobbying for the 2036 Olympic Games to be held in Kabul.
   Russia and China are getting behind the idea as they see an opportunity to hoover up the big haul of medals, which would otherwise go to the US and UK if the Games were held somewhere civilized.
   Both the US and the UK, along with most other European nations, could be expected to be no-shows on 'elf 'n' safety & danger-of-death grounds.

clownreader comment“Captain Underpants, a.k.a. the exhibitionist Welsh MP C. Bryant, reckons he nominated Creaky Joe for a Nobel Peace Prize after Joe won the last US presidential election and displaced D.J. Trump. But how much notice is the Nobel Committee likely to take of a bloke who postures on the interweb in his underpants?” Modified Johnson

bulletHello, Those People are at it again—demanding a Cabinet quota for homosexualists.

reader comment“Anyone who claims that they are offended by the classic BBC TV comedy series The Goodies should be clapped in the stocks and left to rot.” Amper Sand

CFL logo“We join the next programme in progress”
Bloody baseball!

The Lions had scored a TD against the Redblacks @ home after 4 minutes; but we did get a replay of the 5-play drive. After another Reilly TD bomb, the RBs got moving to a TD, 7-14. Reilly to Burnham, 7-21.
   In Q2, an RB 49-yard FG try went wide left and was returned for a TD thanks to great blocking! 7-28. The RBs set up for a punt but the punter made a 1st down pass! Just a FG from it, 10-28. They were sacked to another long FG to end their next drive, 13-28. A strip/sack by the Lions gave them the ball. Reilly was sacked then picked off in the end zone. 1 minute left. 2 plays for the RBs from their 4, then a pick-6 for BC, 13-35.
   Another TD for Burnham in Q3 put the Lions 13-42 ahead. The defences remained in charge into Q4. BC kicked a FG with 2½ minutes to go for 13-45. Punt, punt, then the RBs got a move on in the last minute. They got to the BC 15, BC jumped off-side with 00:00 on the clock. One more play, the Redblacks were stopped @ the BC 3, torture over.

markerSirk Reepy is in a big, black hole. Having lined up his gang to vote against increasing National Insurance to pay for social care, it would be utterly embarrassing to accuse the Tories of nicking something that was Labour policy a couple of years ago.

hatmanJust two to go . . .
A report from the IOPC [Incredible Office of Pointless Crap] indicates that President Boris is doing a grand job of keeping former PMs off the guest list for the Tory party celebration of 100 years of free-loading @ Chequers.
   Tony B. Liar, G.F. Broon and Dave the ex-Leader are all washing their hair or otherwise engaged. Which leaves just J. Major and TheRazor May to be shed before the occasion becomes a real swinging do for Boris and his mates.

look leftDelusion vs Science
The Royal Horticultural Society is doing its level best to come up with 101 gardening scams, which will help people to pretend that they are changing the climate on The Planet.
   The only minor cloud on the horizon is that the RHS needs everyone in China, India and the Untied States to try the scams 'coz even if every single person in the UK does everything on the list, it will make sod all difference to things on The Planet.

US flagThanks for mentioning this
marker Our contact @ the Covid County Sheriff's Department in the Untied States has informed us that following the release of FBI files which were declassified on the 20th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attack, the Saudi government has issued a statement regretting the exposure of links between its citizens & diplomats and the bin Laden terrorists.

markerNul points, back to the drawing board
The Trivial-Liberals are attempting to sleaze Tory MP and government minister M. Gove with remarks made decades ago to wind up the other side during student debates.
   Desperate or what!

reader comment“The question no one is asking is whether former Foreign Sec. D. Raab getting on the phone to Afghanistan would have made any difference @ a time when the members of what passed for a government there were packing up loot and getting out of Dodge rather than being interested in anything else.” Shami Kastren

CFL logoFriday Nite #1, the Stampeders in Hamilton
The Stamps had to punt. So did the Ticats, but a muffed catch attempt put them at the CS 45, on to a FG and 0-3. Another CS punt became a shambles and Calgary ball, 2 & FG, 3-all.
   Defences dominated into Q2. Another fumbled catch gave the ball to the Cats in the last minute and a FG made it 3-6 @ the half. A 48-yarder in Q3 increased the lead to 3-9. Bang! A pass play from the CS 35 to the TC 1, TD, 10-9. A pick-6 by Lawrence in the 9th minute and +2 put the Cats 10-17 ahead in the 9th minute.
   The Cats kicked a FG in Q4, 10-20. The Stamps went out on downs. Another TC FG with 2½ minutes left, 10-23. A big 3rd down play put the Stamps @ the TC 36, on to a TD with 16 seconds left, 17-23. The short kick off became a scramble and the Cats batted the ball over the sideline to seal their win.

raspmarkerPull the other one
Time Magazine has been awarded a Giant Raspberry for claiming that Prince Hairy & Princess Pinocchio are among the 100 most influential figures on The Planet rather than just monumental figures of fun.

markerNews bruiser A. Neil has quit GB Views in a cloud of indignation because he was finding himself overshadowed.

** INSULATE BRITAIN **
[from anarchist weirdos & wreckers Ed.]

markerDiversity has its down-sides
Animal welfare campaigners are lobbying for information on the slaughtering method to be included on packaging for halal & kosher meat products.
   But it remains to be seen whether knowing for sure that their dinner had its throat slashed open without being stunned will bother the consumers of these products.
reader comment“It will certainly make the products and their consumers easier targets for terrorist veggies & veganists.” Belia Kuture

US flagUS PresidentSomeone has to do it
Creaky Joe has finally found someone willing to be his ambassodor to the UK. After a succession of blokes turned the job down, he has picked on a woman who raised zillions of dollars for his election campaign.
   J. Hartley has experience of doing the job in France and a sound dress sense, if the elegance of her frock in the newspaper pictures is anything to go by. She is married to a banker, a Mr. Schloßstein, who is worth a mere one-eighth of a billion bucks. She also has a sister, who is a celebrated hostess.
[For which airline was not specified. Ed.]

reader comment“If people aren't being paid and have no access to savings in banks in Afghanistan, how can they be selling their possessions to survive if no one has any money to buy them?” Coma Endure

DEPARTURES

  Sir Clive Sinclair, inventor, 81

The man who reduced calculators to pocket size and created the ZX series of affordable home computers and the C5 electric vehicle has gone to his reward.
   His ZX Spectrum user-friendly computer introduced kids to the concept of wasting vast amounts of time playing silly games. The C5 electric vehicle was too small for roads; not something which seems to deter idiots on electric scooters now; but it was ideal for people with large, flat pieces of territory to enjoy. He also created a pocket TV, which was too far ahead of its time to take off, and he gave tabloid editors frequent thrills with his private life.
   Britain is a poorer place without him; which is not something which can be said all that often.

bulletQ: You're from the West Indies and bigging it up as a rapster in the Untied States and you want to be noticed, what do you do?
bulletA: Claim the Chinese plague makes bloke impotent knowing that those sad people on the interweb will believe any silly story you drop on them.
bulletQ: Is there a follow-up?
bulletA: Oh, yes. You can throw a HUGE wobbly when President Boris and Professor Whitty-Doom dismiss you as an iggorant twit and be a VICTIM!!!
reader comment“We are all aware that rap is crap. This confirms its brain-rotting powers.” Incendiary Streamer

CFL logoFriday Nite #2, the Argos in Regina
The Roughrider opener reached the TA 1 and Fajardo, now recovered from his recent battering, went in for the TD. 0-7. After 2 plays, the Argos fumbled the ball to the Riders; who missed a 53 yard FG try. The next RR drive ended in a FG missed for a rouge, 0-8.
   The Argos kicked a FG in the 3rd minute of Q2, 3-8. 2 and a pick by the RR but Arbuckle fumbled the ball back to the home team. Power Powell for 36 yards, on to a TD, 3-15 after 7 minutes. A monster pass play got the Argos to the RR 5, 3rd & goal @ the 1 with 3 minutes left; no cigar. Penalties helped the Riders to FG range, 3-18.
   The Argos woke up in Q3 and Daniels took a TD pass. Arbuckle was sacked going for +2, 9-18. Lots of defence until the Riders scored a TD +2 after a minute of Q4. Another point from the kick off, 9-27.
   The Argos marched to a TD in the 5th minute, 16-27. In their next drive, the Argos made a 3rd & 7 but were sacked to a stop on a 3rd & 10 with 2½ minutes left. The Riders kicked a FG in the last minute for 16-30 and sealed their win with an interception. The end. Apart from a bit of a scuffle after the final whistle.

CFL logoSaturday Nite #1, the Lions in Montreal
BC made a 3rd & 1 @ the Als' 19 to the 2, on to a TD, 7-0. The Als zoomed to the red zone but Adams was picked in the end zone. Defence into Q2, when the Als survived a BC attempt to mug their punt return man and went on to a FG and 7-3.
   Bang! Reilly 75 yards to Lucky Whitehead, TD, 14-3. Then the field goal kickers got a turn; one for BC, three for MTL, including a 49-yarder with 00:00 on the clock. 17-12 at half time. Close but no cigar for the Als in Q3, FG, 17-15. BC were 2 & gone and did nothing with a pick of a scrambling Adams.
   Their next score came 8 minutes in to Q4; a TD pass to Hatcher, 24-15. A big dash by Adams got the Als to FG range, 24-18 with 4 minutes left. There were just 22 seconds left after BC kicked a FG for 27-18, time for the Als to go 3 & out. The End.

Surprise! Water supply companies are planning to create more reservoirs; using a big sub from the taxpayer; and move water around in canals in a bid to reduce the flak from annoying customers, who complain about hosepipe bans caused by the water companies' reluctance to fix leaky pipes and ongoing failure to harvest rain when it comes pouring down.

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police helmetGet some in!
rageThe police have the hump with the Home Sec. over a zero per cent pay modification.
   But maybe if they did the job they're not getting paid any more for neglecting, like removing loonies from motorways instead of standing idly by for four bloody hours, they might, maybe, possibly get some sympathy from the people who are paying their wages whilst they goof off.
   But it's not something on which they should count.

reader comment“Chinese-Romanian & Canadian-born Ms Canoe is a great Britisch sporting heroine, who arrived here legally as a wanted addition. Something to remember when gary bloody lineker and other members of the Those People tendency start wittering on about unwanted sea-borne invaders.” Prinsan Dru

Stress pie chartbulletWe're hearing a lot about stress these days, but not getting much in the way of solid sadistics. A BFN survey found the data offered in the adjacent pie chart.
   Real actual stress (black) is at pretty much the normal level. As we suspected it might be, strawberry flavour cosmetic stress is at the high level shown because people don't want to feel left out
   The peach flavour guilt stress is relatively mild and arises when people worry about being cancelled if they seem to be handling the stresses and strains of everyday life comfortably when those around them are self-indulgently dropping to bitz and expecting others to pick up their pieces.

phonebullet If you have an Apple phone, it could become infected with the Israeli Pegasus zero-click spyware, which doesn't need the victim to click on something dodgy to be infestive. Apple is frantically trying to come up with an Xclusion fix.

markerThe BMA, the doctor's union, is moving to a neutral position on assisted dying. Which means that the 'do no harm' aspiration still doesn't apply to those who have nothing to live for because their life is an ordeal.

Far Queue symbol An astonishing 24% of motorists are not bothered about lethal 'unsmart' motorways. Presumably, people who never use them.

ShockHorror Clint Eastwood is still making films @ 91 and riding around on horses. Can't they let the poor old bloke retire gracefully?

CFL logoSaturday Nite #2, the Blue Bombers in Edmonton
Edmonton Antlers helmetTD from the BB opener? Nope due to OPI, but a TD pass 2 plays later stuck. 7-0. Harris is dinged, Cornelius got a go as QB for the Antlers. Another TD from the next BB drive, 14-0.
   In Q2, the Ants fumbled the ball away but their defence mugged Collards and got the ball back, TD from it, 14-7. 3 minute warning. The BB missed a FG for a single, the Ants kicked one between the posts, 15-10 at the half.
   A TD by the unstoppable Wilder, but no +2, put the Ants 15-16 ahead in Q3. The BB missed a 50-yard FG try but a pick-6 by Alford and +2 got them to 23-16. The Ants kicked a FG and the BB scored a TD in the last minute of the quarter for 30-19.
   In Q4, the Ants kicked a FG after 8 minutes, 30-22. DPI in the end zone helped the Bombers to an unassailable 37-22 lead with 3 minutes left. The BB went 2 & out after a pick. Walker lost a wrestling match over a deep pass, BB ball and BT Sport lost the pictures as the Antlers sank into defeat.

Be Advised Online news promulgators have formed a rare alliance to combat fake news on the BBC and the conspiracy theories and lies that flourish in its closed environment. The BBC constantly making a mockery of its impartiality requirements is another issue for them to tackle.
ragefurthermore . . .Various police forces are advising their local shopkeepers not to sell tinz of baked beanz to young yobs as it has become fashionable for them to annoint buildings, street furniture & parked cars with the contents of the cans.
   Something else to file in the 'more money than sense' drawer.

bulletQ: Is it possible to tarnish the thoroughly depraved & devalued Booker Prize even further?
bulletA: Xcluding books by Britisch authors this year on spurious wonk grounds is an indication that there are still depths to be plumbed.

tick symbol The Boris Tunnel connecting Scotland to Northern Ireland has been cancelled by the Treasury. A nation with finances ravaged by the Chinese Plague cannot afford it.
reader comment“That sounds totally bogus. It's only £15 BILLION going on £96 BILLION as the true eventual cost. Peanutz.” Villa Nuss

bulletQ: Which should we be more surprised by—that 25% of female pensioners have only the state pension to live on or that the pundits were not aware of this earlier?
bulletA: The Iggorance of Xperts is as constant as the North Star.

WTFHThe Notional Truss has come up with another cute scam to put visitors off going to its properties & parks. Charging a parking fee per vehicle is out, charging per person in the vehicle is in.
   As a charity, the NT feels that it has a perfect right to rip people off right, left, centre, up, down and in every other direction.

cross symbol The good burghers of Cheadle & Cheadle Hulme have delivered a resounding "No bloody way" to attempts by Stockport council to blight their area with various traffic obstruction scams to force them out of cars and onto bikes or foot.

markerThe Gods are having a giraffe
marker Having been told for several decades that carbon dioxide is the enemy and destroying The Planet, we are now gobsmacked to learn that several industries are currently being crippled by a major shortage of . . . carbon dioxide, which is used to gas animals before slaughter, for making dry ice for cooling things and lotz & lotz of other applications which are vital to the nation's survival.

eyesThe BBC has tried & failed to bury under President Boris' Cabinet reshuffle, the news that the Beeb has turned over editing its own news operation to a card-carrying member of the Those People tendency.
   Trust between the government and the BBC has now gone from zero to negative.

police helmetbulletQ: Why do coppers moaning about not getting a pay rise get no sympathy from their customers?
bulletA: Because they slap fines on people sitting on a park bench with a cup of tea but offer canteen service to criminals with their bum parked on a motorway, which is actually against the law, but you wouldn't think so with all them coppers swanning around, doing bugger all about it.

raspFar Queue symbol ITV boss C. McCall [no relation to The Equalizer, real or fake, Ed.] has been awarded a Giant Raspberry for claiming that she supported the news bloke Piers "Pushed Out" Morgan when he was evicted from his TV job after Mhegan the Merciless threw a wobbly in her (McCall's) direction.

marker An 88% rise in baby deaths during labour is being ascribed to the medical trade's aversion to in-person consultations. Something to consider in the 'do no harm' context.


rain manBelow the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium.
© RAL, September MM21 like anyone cares