WEEK 1    Trussty Lizzie—hitting the horizon running

 
Temporary Shark Week starts TODAY!!!

Apparently, some team or other won something yesterday. Foreigners got beat, which is always a Good Thing.
Not enuff police @ a football match and they moan. Too much police for the Euros 2022 final and guess what? Right. They moan.
The nation, which has had more days off than you can shake a stick at since the Chinese plague arrived, will not be getting another to celebrate the women's football win.
Strikes will still go ahead, though. No chance of a holiday from them.

We're having the worst drought since 1976? Wasn't that when the so-called Xperts were panicking about The Planet heading for another Ice Age?

Q: How come there's yet another drought?
A: Because the water companies let vast amounts of it leak out of pipes which the government fails to compel them to repair as a condition of doing business here.
Q: Was that conclusion based on the godzillions of gallons of treated & clean water which escaped through a pipe rupture under Compstall Road in Romiley during the week?
A: Draw your own conclusion.

There does seem to be a large disconnect between what the self-appointed Xperts claim people need to survive on and what people in the real world are actually surviving on.

SatNF: the Bombers in Calgary
The Stampeders got a FG from their opener, 2 and punt for the Blue Bombers. Another FG for the Stamps. The BB faced 3rd & 1 inside the 10 in the last seconds of Q1, TD for Demski, 7-6. The Stamps were soon back ahead with a FG in Q2, 7-9.
   A 30-yard run by Olivera to the SC 31 set up another TD pass to Demski, 14-9. An exchange of FGs made the half time score 17-12. The Stamps' second drive of Q3 was a zoom to the end zone. Cue 2 horse riders on the sideline to celebrate, no +2 though, 17-18. A TD for Schoen the other way restored the BB lead at 24-18 after 5 plays. 10 minutes gone.
   The Stamps went ahead with a TD in the last minute of Q3, a punt for a rouge by the BB made it 25-all in Q4. Close but just a FG for the Stamps, 25-28. Collards to Schoen again for a TD in the 12th minute, 32-28. A BB FG in the last minute left them 35-28 up and the Stamps with just 27 seconds to do something. No cigar. The BB are now 8-0 on the season.

Unfortunate Inconvenience
The UK is a 1%er in the emissions league—nett zero here won't make a scrap of difference.

If you can't explain something, what do you blame it on? Brexit usually gets the gig but lock-in is getting the blame for an unexplained outbreak of hepatitis in 35 countries around the world.

The endless ingenuity of the criminally inclined
A nudist has been busted for shooting dead another clothesless person on a beach near Lyon. Police are still trying to work out where the murder weapon, a hunting rifle, was concealed until it was brought into misuse.

Reassuringly right
Some Xperts believe that people who have a nap during the day are dooming themselves to have a stroke. Other Xperts think this is bollocks. Which serves only to support SF author Sir A.C. Clarke's Fourth Law, namely that for every Xpert, there is an equal & opposite Xpert.

Back in 2017, it has been revealed, Britisch sheep were trained to recognize President O'Bummer. Presumably so that they could trample him a bit if he ever tried to make a nuisance of himself on this side of the Atlantic.

Q: What's a good way to sabotage a TV ‘debate' between Tory leadership hopefuls?
A: Pick a collapso as the ringmistress.
[Cruel but true! Ed.]

Uneven External Person**
Three wimmin who did a sponsored hike up Scarfel Pike, each with a stainless steel kitchen sink strapped to her back, have been accused to promoting disharmony. Why? ‘Coz two of them had the draining board facing outwards and one had it facing inwards.
[** Odd One Out, Ed.]

Trussty Lizzie will bin the coasters & wonks @ the top of the civil service!

Which hands to trust?

Sacked Chancellor Snack the grabber, subtext “it’s all about me”
Trussty Lizzy the giver, on your side, obviously has the better image consultant

Q: What's a good way to get sacked unfairly by West Midlands Trains?
A: Dare to wonder if there's such a thing as black privilege after going through a company indoctrination session on white privilege.
WMT is now in a woke sulk over the tribunal's verdict and the prospect of paying out compenbluddysation for the unfair sacking.

Café & bar owners on the Europeon mainland, especially in France & Spain, are seething over the income lost due to potential visitors from the UK going elsewhere, put off by the petty regulations concocted to punish the UK's residents for daring to Brexit out of the EFU.

SunNF: The RedBlacks in T’ronno
After making the Argonauts punt, the visitors got to their 41 with a 46-yard pass play but ended up having to kick a 45-yard FG. The RBs stopped the Argos with a challenge, they kicked a FG, 3-all after 8 minutes. A FG in the last minute of Q1 put the RBs 6-3 ahead.
   Bethel-Thompson to Speedy B in Q2 for a TD, 6-10. A TA drive in the last minutes of the half produced a FG with a minute left. Evans to Acklin for a TD and 13-all at the half.
   The RBs went ahead with a FG in Q3. They reached scoring range in Q4, the Argos were objectionable(!) so the RBs scored a TD! 23-13. Both sides had scoring chances in the last 5 minutes but neither made anything of them.

Wonky Doodle Dandy
Coppers in Cambridgeshire, Beds & Herts have been ordered not to address their customers as ‘Sir' or ‘Madam'. They have to use the inclusive catch-all ‘You-All' instead on the wonky orders of their dumbo transitory bosses.

People who had lots of time to skive and do DIY during lock-in don't now. They are Xpected to get back to work [unless they're civil servants, Ed.] and they have to put up with inflation caused by greedy trade union bosses. Bosses of firms selling DIY stuff are not happy about any of this.

“Online betting—Putin the ‘broke' into Ladbrokes?” Mick McMuckle

Making it up as they go along
There's a lot of rhubarb being talked about The Summer of ‘76. Let us be clear. There were no stand pipes in the streets in Romiley and life went on pretty much as normal. Boring but true.
   About all we recall is that as soon as Sunny Jim's Labour government appointed a cosmetic Minister for Drought, it started pouring down with rain. Also, it was pouring down with rain in Northern Ireland whilst the mainland was having its drought
   And the comical D. Howell had to be renamed Minister for Floods when the rain reached the rest of us at the end of August to wipe out the bank holiday.

Five deaths worldwide from monkey pox; two in Spain, the only ones in Europe; and yet the WHO has confected a Global Health Egermency out of it. Credibility shot to little bitz.

“Is there a sprinkling of sense starting to permeate our shores? A barrister booted out of her left-wing chambers; despite being a paid-up member of that same tendency herself; for repeating the obvious scientific fact that biological sex cannot be changed wins her case for illegal Xclusion.
   “Those objecting to calling the English female soccer team Lionesses are grotted on from a great height. New dawn? Or just another false one?” Bill Ding

Is there a teacup small enuff?
Will there really be a Labour civil war ‘coz Sirk Reepy Smarmer sacked Angular Robot's Corbynsteiner BF out of his shadows for joining an antisocial picket line? That's just him and not the rest who did it?
   The only ones outraged are the really looney left, and they always have their knickers in a twist about something or other.
“Maybe the Corbynsteiners aren't up in arms because they realize it doesn't really matter what Sirk Reepy does, he's not a figure of any importance.” Modesta Mount

Esso petrol in Romiley 179.9p/litre
Esso diesel in Romiley 181.9p/litre

Permanent Silly Season
117 coppers in England & Wales don't know if they M or F, an increase of 1,200% on last year's total of 9. When asked how long it would be before all coppers reach this unhappy condition, the BFN SuperDuper MegaComputer unbooted and switched off. Something it does increasingly often when told to do something daft.
   There is a suspicion that this trend is due to dodgy blokes looking for an easy way to be allowed to strip-search female customers with no come-backs.

Mhegan Struth
The psychiatric industry is considering branding a condition with the name Mheganitis Illogicans. Those with it believe that whatever suits them from moment to moment is true, even when it is demonstrably not & total bollocks, e.g. Mhegan claiming to be an only child when she has a sister and her claim she married Prince Hairy, with the Archbish of Cantab's assistance, in a back room 3 days before the official jamboree.
“Is this something that Sirk Reepy has when he insists that anyone who sez they're a woman is one? It certainly Xplains a lot about him.” Gim Medosh

Like wading through slowsand
The people trying to get portable barbeques banned, as their misuse is the usual suspect in ‘uman-caused cases of wildfires, are dismayed.
   They have collided with the soggy wall of government, which ensures that nothing is ever done until the usual suspects have dallied through a commission of inquiry for a year or two and made their pockets bulge even more.
“The next logical step should be to rebrand foot-dragging DEFRA as DEAFRA.” Ed Beneficiary

Crystal balling
The tedious yawn of the Tory leadership election won't damage the brand, the Xperts reckon. When Trussty Lizzie wins, she will be up against Captain Crasheroonie Snoozefest himself, Sirk Reepy Smarmer. She will look like a whole sunburst of rays of sunshine in comparison.
   What the Tories really have to look forward to is winning the next general election and losing the one after that simply because they will have been in office for the best part of 20 years and the moronic electorate will be unable to resist letting Labour wreck everything as they are wont to do. Then, no doubt, the customers will Xpect the following Tory government to restore everything miraculously practically overnight.
“If the public won't vote for a divided party, that rules Labour out as much as the Tories, given the pro & anti Corbynstein factions. Are we therefore Xpected to believe that the Trivials will win the next election? Oh, look! Flying pigs!” Tel Emmitry

The Ukrainians are nothing if not polite. Whenever the invading Putinstani army shoots down one of its own helicopters, the locals always send them a ‘Thank you for your goodwill gesture' card.

Departures
James Lovelock, the planetary scientist who came up with the notion that The Planet is a living organism, has died at 103. One of his final thoughts was that the Gaia superorganism will wipe out ‘uman beanz if they don't stop greenhouse gas emissions, and that it will be done by something worse than the Chinese plague, which was actually set on us by The Planet, if this ludicrous warning is not heeded.

A watch thought to have belonged to A. Hitler was sold @ auction for $1.1 million despite an attempt to cancel the sale. Imagine what it might have fetched with a clear line of provenance rather than tales of wartime looting and clandestine sales afterwards.

Gordon F. Broon, who couldn't be arsed to make an effort in this direction when he was PM, is now ordering President Boris to cancel the House of Frauds. Bloody cheek!

A plan to open a Greggs bakery 24 hours a day in Leicester Square in London has been grotted on by the police and local council just so that they can tell the meeja that the idea is half-baked. Prethetic, or what!

Trussty Lizzie has got the Gremlin worried. Putinstan's TV is claiming she's unfit to have control of the UK's nuke's because she's still capable of feeling emotions—a sure sign that she has Putrid the Poisoner worried, especially if he wants to use his little nuke's in areas of occupied Ukraine where his rag-tag army is getting its collective arse kicked.

Furry French Lesson:
Maison d'être—home of the moment

The government has been booted into booting into touch, a scheme by the trans lobby to chemically castrate thousands of confused children.
   The activities of a major trans recruitment centre in London are being trailed as the biggest medical scandal of the century and the legal trade can scent blood in the water.

The wheels are coming off funeral plan companies, triggering a warning of a rash of clandestine back garden burials and interments in some remote part of the countryside, possible with some sort of religious spin applied.

Today’s Burning Ishue:
Is Angular Robot being positioned as the new Corbynstein?

“Cricket Scotland is institutionally rachelist? Quel surprise! But after all the knee-taking and weasel words & PR gimmicks, there will always still be those who can slurp the sleaze anywhere, anyhow, anywhen.” Wilber Fours

Notwork Rain bosses are giving their minions two choices—abandon your Spanish practices or go and work for some other suckers if you can find any who will take you.

Q: Why are rhinos transported by helicopter dangling from their feet?
A: So they can't toss their head and spike holes in the chopper's fuselage with their horn.

Meteorological DoomBuggers, especially those @ the Met. Office and the BierBC, have been receiving world record levels of derision over their hysterical claims of disaster based on three hot days last month.
   Their problem is that too much real information is in circulation to let them get away with manufactured ‘evidence' of climate disaster rather than the real thing, which is in severely short supply.

Keeps them amused
Labour's Corbynsteiner MPs have a new hobby—Tweaking the Steamer by being photographed on every picket line that will have them to annoy their Kreepy leader to the max.

Let us be clear
The bosses of the time-gobbler TikTok do not hand customer data to the Chinese government. They don't have to. The Chinese bosses just stomp in and grab what they want whenever they want it ‘coz that's what they do.
MPs are up in arms because their personal data is up for grabs on Parliament's TikTok account. No doubt the Xercise will do them good.

The political correctness department of the NHS seems to be pushing the line that doctors not giving patients face-to-face consultations will be good for The Planet as more customers will croak of treatable conditions and that will reduce the nation's carbon emissions.
[By an entirely insignificant amount. Ed.]

That giant bull in the opening ceremony of the Birmingham Commonwealth Games is emblematic of the monstrous amount of BS & wokery being distributed by the BierBC in its shows covering the Games. [Other programmes are available. Ed.]

“Where was the honcho of Alky Ida zapped? Talibanistan. Quel unsurprise!” Hooter Yoota

Not Xactly a state secret
The zapped head of Alky Ida was living in the capital of Talibanistan, had been for ages, in a ‘safe' house owned by one of the top Talibandit's stooges, so no question that he didn't know that Zawahiri was there, especially if he had his whole family with him.
“The $20M dead or alive goes to the CIA, then?” Poctu Ring
“Might just cover some of the cost of the 6 months they took to set up the drone strike.” Hugh Grind

Selective truth
Doom & gloom & no rain ever again predicted on the BierBC lunchtime news. Pictures of rain clouds gliding over the Manchester area on the local news yesterday and wet pavements this morning.
   What they tell you or the evidence of your own eyes? Wot a tough one!

Vague & Misleading Slogans Rule, Nokay!
It is becoming increasingly hard to find a clothes-flogging company which isn't having its reputation shot to bitz for shameless greenwashing. The shrapnel is flying everywhere as mines go off alongside claims of sustainability and blow them out of the water and prove that buying overhyped gear won't save The Planet from gorbal warming fraudsters.

The lesson of history is that you should never trust anyone whose name ends with ‘in'. Lenin, Stalin, Putin. Never fails.

Customer Service
Our local council is considering a petition to Xtend the privileged parking regime locally by placing next to disabled parking bays, several dishevelled parking bays for people who are scruffy and/or have a scruffy-looking vehicle.

The trade unions are threatening to send the Labour party to the poor house by cutting off their vital donations unless Sirk Reepy Smarmer gets on the picket lines and starts backing the greedy wreckers.

The hype machine is revving up to full speed already for the autumn release of the new Mockney Bond film Diamonds Are For Geezers.

Putrid the Poisoner is having trouble with his robotic right arm, which has a tendency to go limp and unuseable in hot conditions.
GCHQ has stepped in to reduce the scope of hackers to mess with the Tory leadership voting process.
The UK is leading Yourope in the field of not lowering fuel tax.
Customers are advised to brace themselves for a food apocalypse caused by Putrid the Poisoner.
Northumberland council has paid out £200K of the customers' cash to get rid of a council chief executive whose period in office was non-stop chaos & zero public service. The public sector, eh!

++ Squeaker of US House of Reps Nasti Pelosi does Taiwan uninvited ++ China fires off loads of ammo @ its sell-by date and blockades Taiwan ++ Govt. there refuses to give up democracy ++ Wrecking job done, Pelosi bugs out ++

“It's rather rich of the trade union bosses to claim that Labour isn't the party for workers. Neither are they with their agenda of constant strikes.” Has Tala
“You can't call a plan to cut income tax by 4p in the £ ‘by the end of the decade' jam tomorrow. It's in the category of ‘jam never', given that Mr. Snack isn't likely to be around & in a position to deliver it at the end of this decade.” Enton Thes

Tomato ketchup ice cream? Soy sauce flavour? Baked bean ice cream containing whole beenz? At ten quid a tub! Wot next?
[Snail porridge ice cream? Ed.]
“I'm sure my cat would go for tuna flavour. After it's melted, of course.” Hertz Proton

Prince Chuck is being twitted by the usual suspects for taking a charitable donation from a bin Laden who isn't a terrorist.
The Charity Commission has no problem with the donation.

A spectacular volcanic eruption in an uninhabited Icelandic valley is being blamed on climate change.
The Gov. of the Bonk of England is putting the country into a recession for 12 months or until we start appreciating his failure to tackle inflation more.
The BoE's recession will be the worst since Gordon F. Broon (binned) & Jonah Burnham (now Manchester's cosmetic mayor) were in the Treasury and wrecking the Britisch economy and destroying the banking system.
Cyclists @ the Commonwealth Games in Birmingham have been advised that crowd-surfing on their bike is unacceptable & unappreciated.
Two coppers face manslaughter charges after a wheelchaired 93-year-old with dementia in a care home was tasered and died.

TNF: the Blue Bombers in Montréal
The 2nd play by Collards was picked and the AlCapones got a FG from it. A sack/fumble gave the ball to the Als in the 14th minute of Q1 but they blew up on a 3rd down at the BB 5 in Q2. A dose of DPI helped the BB to a TD pass for Schoen, 7-3. Collards hurled a bomb @ the MA goal in the last minute; no damage from a pick.
   The Als kicked a FG in Q3, 7-6. The Bombers got close but were sacked to a FG? 1st & goal on a penalty, TD, 14-6. The Als replied with a TD for Philpot, DPI on the +2 attempt, Charge! 14-all after 11 minutes. Collards was picked in the MA goal. Harris was sacked to close Q3.
   A challenge in Q4 kept the MA drive going to a 47-yard FG try that hit the upright for nowt. The BB reached the MA 1, TD on 3rd down, 21-14 after 7 minutes. Returning a punt 57 yards gave the BB another TD, 28-14. No damage from an intercepted pass attempt by Harris, but the next one yielded a TD. 35-14. The Als scored a TD in the last minute. The +2 attempt was a flag-fest; no cigar from 4 tries!
   35-20 final, the BB are now 9-0.

Q: Why are the Dutch so tall?
A: It's genetic selection in a population that lives below sea level.

Spot the typo
GP practices should be replaced by pubs with a team of doctors, nurses, radiographers & physiotherapists.
[hubs, Ed.]

Contrary to what some would have us believe, the NHS gender falsehood agenda is not the fault of all of ‘us'. That makes no sense when most of ‘us' weren't consulted by ‘them'.

Is Trussty Lizzie doomed if she lets the fantasist P. Mordor & the treacherous Vajid Javid join her team? Maybe her stand against ‘Bin the BOGOF' and putting nanny taxes into the bin instead might repair some of the damage.

Confection Corner
The German meeja are in a desperate struggle with the defeated Euros football team's coaches & staff to confect the most instances of cheating by England's victorious team to ‘prove' to an unsympathetic world that "We wuz robbed!" and Germany should have been able to claim a ninth title as of right.
“Do the Krauts have a word for Schadenfreude? If not, we'll lend them ours.” Herts Likell

How very dare they!
No surprise that theGrauniad was moaning about the lack of diversity in the Euros-winning football team. But it's probably asking too much for those monoblots to get that everyone on the team has to wear the same outfit, even if that produces a sea of white shirts.
“What upset the woman(?) who was moaning on the BierBC even more was even more sillious. The lack of team members who didn't have a clue how to play football just underlined the lack of diversity? Super-duper-sillious!” Ger Maine

Sacked Chancellor R. Snack is now being called Mr. Mañana for promising tax cuts in a couple of decades or so instead of right away.

There could be a good reason why 94% of Brits don't know 50 different words for restaurant fish dishes. Something to do with most of them applying to foreign muck that no one in their right mind would eat!

“Sirk Reepy Smarmer gave his legal services free to Scaregill's striking miners 40 years ago? When he was barely out of his teens? And barely qualified? So that's why they lost!” Ger Maxi

Must be deliberate, right-on yeah!
The usual suspects are going on about the shutdown of the Hinkley Point B nuclear reactor @ the power station in Somerset during an energy crisis as if it's something being done deliberately by the wicked Tories. Which conveniently ignores that it is knackered after a working life of 46 years; 15 years longer than planned; and unsafe to use any more.
   If there are any problems caused, it's due to successive governments failing to do anything about providing reliable, always on energy; usually to a chorus of objections to any viable schemes from the usual suspects.

FNF: the Stampeders in the Nation’s Capital
It's not raining! The Stamps sent the RedBlacks 2 & out, kicked a long FG and that was Q1. They missed a long FG try in Q2 and it was returned. The next FG, shorter, worked, 6-0. A pick-6 after 12 minutes put the CS 13-0 up.
   They went to 16-0 with a FG 5 minutes in to Q3. A pick in scoring range gave the RBs . . . nowt. The Stamps also did nothing with a fumble recovery. They managed a rouge from a punt in the 5th minute of Q4, 17-0. The RBs got to & goal, they were pushed back and a FG try banged through off the right post! 17-3, whitewash avoided.
   Arbuckle was picked in the CS goal in the 14th minute. A might-as-well challenge for DPI failed and that was the tin lid applied. The RBs did get to the CS 10 with time running out but a pick with 8 seconds to go rammed the lid tight.

The trade unions represent 7 million members in the same way that the UK government represents about 70 million customers.
   Do 100% of them agree with what the government does?
   No more than 100% of union members agree with what their looney left dinosaurs get up to when they're not dining out on expenses.

The Unite union's boss was voted in by 4% of the membership. 4.9% for the boss of Unison. Not exactly a popular vote and a wholehearted endorsement.

Sirk Reepy Smarmer has been banned from going to Putinstan. Looks like Putrid the Poisoner is worried about someone sneaking up on him whilst Sirk Reepy is boring him to death.

Pretending to be offended on behalf of people with whom the alleged offended person has no connection for the sake of attention-seeking is to be made a capital offence.

Xperts have calculated that all communication will cease by 2053 as there will be no unobjectionable words left uncancelled by then.

The UN Secretary, General Guterres, would have us believe that the world is just one miscalculation away from total nuclear annihilation.
   But wouldn't this be a Good Thing if it put an end to all egermencies, the Chinese plague, monkey pox, ect., ect.?
“Do we really have to be worried about monkey pox if the people at risk from it are mainly men who have sex with monkeys and men who have sex with men?” End Ever

“Just how dumb are the people in China? Does anyone really believe that tanks wrecking coastal beaches facing Taiwan are really necessary in case tiny Taiwan launches an invasion of colossal China?” Hogan Particle
“It's a group think thing. Like the endemic weird notions that make our civil service and bitz of the NHS so crap.” Ponder Price
“The regime in Nachi is all about keeping the bosses in comfort and the customers in their place. That's communism for you.” Elon Earth

Q: Why does the second person have only ‘you' while the first person has ‘I' and ‘me'?
A: Because the first person is an overinflated egoist and the second person isn't.

This week's Delusion Award goes to the journo who thought that Nasti Pelosi going to Taiwan was a noble stance. Right!

A variant of avian flu which is currently killing thousands of wild birds around Britain's coastlines is being positioned as the successor to the Chinese plague as a human-killer.
   That's a variant which has yet to emerge, BTW, but which the Xperts are confident will emerge in time.

Public Service Announcement He's been called the Blogger of the Decade His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

WEEK 2    Putin on the moon boot of melancholy

 
Sacked Chancellor R. Snack will be wielding a big stick if he replaces President Boris. The anti-Britisch mugs who condemn our country and everything it stands for will be made as welcome as terrorists.
   Sounds like a concerted bid for the Home Sec. job.
“That's as welcome as the terrorists who have been awarded a million-quid council house and hundreds of pounds per week from the taxpayer by the legal trade?” Elon Toast

Trussty Lizzie has been accused of being undiverse by being more concerned about women being gaoled for dodging the TV licence fee than about men done for the same offence.

Today's Suggestion:
‘Femmesplaining' for a when a woman does it as the word ‘man' is avoided. And it's the same number of syllables.

SatNF 1: the TiCats in T’ronno, 96 degF!!!!
After making the Argos punt, the Cats zoomed to a FG after 4 minutes. Sack/punt. The Cats reached & goal, TD for Jackson after 12 minutes, 10-0. They went further a head with a FG in Q2, one back for the Argos after 5 minutes, 16-3.
   Lots of defence, including a rouge from a punt for the Cats after 13 minutes. The Argos managed a FG with a minute left, 14-6 at the half. The Cats got to the TA 16 in Q3, FG, 17-6. Wow!! A TD by the Argos after 8 minutes, +2, 17-14. Pinning the Cats at their 2 yielded a safety for the Argos and a point from a missed FG in Q4 got them to 17-all.
   Blocking a punt by the Cats gave the Argos a defensive TD, 17-24. The Cats kept a drive going with a challenge for DPI and got a FG out of it, 20-24 with 6 minutes left. The Argos kicked a FG with 2:25 left, 20-27. A fake punt by the Cats went horribly wrong and gave the Argonaut defence a pick-6. 20-34, tin lid.

The Chinese plague has wiped out 20% of Britain's night clubs.

Thursday has been rebranded as Sky Thursday.

This Week's Daft Slogan:
It's only Thursday on Thursdays.

Q: What's worse than having bought a funeral plan from a firm that's on the FCA's Black List? [colourist! Ed.]
A: Being chased by legal vultures pretending to be able to get your money back.

The UK leads Yourope in credit card & other fraud. No bugger else has enuff spare cash to attract the scammers.

Does anyone really care that O.J. Corbynstein is claiming to be Putrid the Poisoner's pal if he's doing it only to be noticed? No?

'Humans toxify their planet'? Sez who? Nothing humans have done is more Xtreme that anything that has happened in The Planet's four point something BILLION year history. Johnny Come Lately 'umans are rank amateurs in the field of planet toxing
“Humans will never agree on what should happen to The Planet. There are too many competing vested & panted interests.” Beenzon Earth

The Gov. of the BoE might be asleep @ the wheel but it really narks him if anyone notices.

Aberdeen University has been drowned in derision for confecting a long list of trigger warnings, ishues and isms for mental elves who might consider trying out Celtic & Anglo-Saxon Studies, a course which includes the epic monsterfest Beowulf.
The university bosses are claiming that its wonky students admire this silliousness. Well, if they're daft enuff to go there, they would!

Putinstan is working to create a nuclear disaster that will make the one their morons created @ Chernobyl look totally insignificant. The reactor @ Zaporizhzhia in the occupied sector of Ukraine; the biggest in Europe; is in the hands of the Putinstan's troops but still run by Ukrainian prisoner/technicians. Which doesn't stop the site from being shelled by Putinstani troops, who have no idea how to behave near such a dangerous place.

The diversity industry is just a bigots' ballroom, which needs to be squashed flat, according to the Attorney for England & Wales, General S. Braverperson.
[But will she be allowed to kill off a wonk vested interest? Ed.]
“I notice that General Braverperson is giving the wonks & cancellers an alibi. If what they are doing is the equivalent of a religion, when zapped they can scream religious persecution.” Adam Burgler
“And probably cop for another front page of UK trashing in the New York Times.” Dan Tropical
“The message from the new religion seems to be that if you are not actively rachelist, ableist and all the other ists, you are doing something seriously wrong and you need to chuck lotz of dosh @ the wonks to learn how to be istist.” X. Pertise

SatNF 2: The Antlers in Vancouver
The BC Lions were sacked 2 & out but the punt catch was bogged, BC ball. 2 & FG? A fake play didn't work but the ball was promptly fumbled back to the home team. TD this time, 0-7. The Antlers reached the red zone, TD for Lawler, 7-all. Zoom! A BC TD to close the quarter @ 7-14.
   Rourke to Rhymes in Q2, the PAT missed, 7-20 after 7 minutes. A monster TD pass play to Lucky Whitehead, 7-27. This was followed by a BC FG and another TD in the last few seconds of the half. 7-37.
   The Antlers were backed up to a safety in Q3, 7-39 after 5 minutes. Swiss cheese, TD run, 7-46. A BIG struggle got the Ants to BC territory in Q4, on to a TD, 14-46. Some booting by the punters and a pick by BC in the 14th minute finished things.

Time to wriggle
The unbearable triteness of the wonk culture can be turned to advantage by those ingenious enough. A cringeworthy wonk Batgirl film has been consigned to the bin after receiving a universal thumbs down from previews. But it provides the manufacturer, Warner Bros., with a $90M tax write-off black hole to set against things the people were prepared to watch.

Glasgow council offered the film makers of that binned Batgirl film a grant of £150K to attract them to the city. That will be cash down the drain if WB drops an invoice on Glasgone.
Council and film company are both in ‘no comment' mode currently.
“Of course, a really wonk superhero film would include a character with no super powers and a crap costume, who goes round accusing the others of being powerist.” Deter Rent

Modest protest; if not meaningless
Labour MPs are demanding to be allowed to stand in picket lines if they wear dark glasses & a bushy beard, and they don't wave a placard or talk to the meeja.

A customer in the Grampian region of Scotland has been stuck in hospital, treated successfully but undischarged, for six years. The SNP is claiming a World Record on behalf of this unfortunate.
An internet schlockjock in the Untied States has been done for $41 million for confecting BS about a massacre @ a school in Sandy Hook, Connecticut, in which 26 people were murdered.
Women who pack 6 pairs of shoes for a holiday but wear only 2 of them will no longer have to be treated as rational beings from August 24th.
Taiwan is Xperiencing a tourist boom of people who want to take a selfie on the headland which is closest to Nachi to prove how daring they are. Pictures taken with a huge plume of water in the background from a missle strike on a stretch of ocean are most prized.

“I read that strikes in Gaza have killed 15 people. Is that what the trade unions here have in mind as their next step?” Jules Syndrome

Fuel poverty as a political tool
The government in Southern Ireland is about to collapse over a demand by the Greens there that harvesting, using & selling peat should be made a capital offence in the name of saving The Planet.
   The peasants are threatening to revolt over this assault on their heritage.
The IRA is backing the Greens as it sees the collapse of the current coalition as a possible route to power and a fist deeper into the taxpayer's pocket.

Yep, it’s the Silly Season
The usual suspects, who whinge when President Boris does something and whinge when he does nothing, are up in arms ‘coz he has dared to go on holiday instead of sitting in Downing Street, not operating the levers of power and composing his Dissolute Honours List.
   These same Skive @ Home suspects are also moaning because the Chancellor and his deputy are on holiday and ignoring the fact that it is with access to enough communications gear to run a small war.

The Chinese plague has reduced demand for garments made in sweatshops in Asia. Natch, the usual BLAME suspects are blaming the hardship caused by the slump in demand on the UK rather than the Chinese or, shockhorror, the business model of the people running the sweat shops in Asia.

“What will tax cuts do for people with an income too low to trouble the taxman? Or are the Tory leadership hopefuls talking about VAT & fuel tax? This needs to be clarified.” Norah Clue

Dodgy Dooshank under fire for getting it wrong all the time
Trussty Lizzie is on the case of the Gov. of the Bonk of England for dragging his feet over doing anything about the inflation rate. Sounds like a 13.3% pay cut—or something even more drastic—could be on the way.
   The England & Wales Attorney, General Braverperson, is also not impressed by the performance of Gov. Bailey.
“Could it be that A. Bailey is in line for an entry in the Guinness Book of Records for the longest string of dodgy economic forecasts ever made?” Imon Holliday

That paragon of virtue Sirk Reepy Smarmer has been found guilty of 8 breaches of the MPs' code of conduct to a total of £120,886 plus an undisclosed amount of book royalties.
   As incompetence seems to be one of his main characteristics, and he's not a Tory, the Standards Commish is turning a blind eye.

Snack vs Trussty Lizzie TV ‘debates', considered outcome
Sky out ahead, over the horizon, an easy winner. The BierBC and TalkTV came equal last, a long, long way behind. Now that's out of the way, phew!

Boat well rocked
Princess Fergiana has really upset the Xperts by buying a couple of Mayfair flats for her daughters. The alleged Xperts are going nutz trying to work out how she came up with the 7 million quid for the two when their conventional wisdom has been that she's skint.

“You can tell it's the Silly Season. Every attention-seeker on The Planet is out of they's box. The busteder the flush; Gordon F. Broon, that bloke in charge of the Trivials, Wee Burney; the louder the noise.” Gerin Hamad
[Interesting use of the possessive form of the inclusive/diverse pronoun ‘they'. Ed.]
“‘Oh, bugger. What's they up to now?' The acceptable way to wonder what the latest wonk outrage is?” Buxon Backlog

A missle strike on her car in Horlicskovo has wiped out a Putinstani artillery lieutenant-colonel who specialized in targetting Ukrainian civilians.
   The job there is getting done gradually.

“Was that Egyptian Pharaoh telling Joseph's brothers that they would have to eat the fat of the land part of a state-sponsored incentive to tackle o'besity in the ancient Egyptian population by feeding all the unhealthy stuff to foreigners?” Gla Drags

The EFU's blundering burrocracy is failing to obtain supplies of the monkeypox vaccine, as it failed to obtain vaccines for the Chinese plague quickly and efficiently. Brexit is being blamed by the EFU Commission.
“Too many horses, each pulling the joint procurement wagon in a different direction.” Khobi Gho

Fair shake for small towns & rural areas
Ex-Chancellor Snack is in trouble for claiming that he checked the flood of taxpayers' cash to run-down Labour areas and introduced a policy of fairer distribution of tax revenues.

Prince Hairy is being kept out of the UK by the on-going refusal to let him treat Britisch protection-squad coppers as a security force for hire and compromise a scarce resource.

Want to look slimmer without the hassle of dieting?
A Leaning Mirror will do the job.
   Place it against a handy wall to look slimmer & more elegant
++ Lots of styles for all interiors ++ Also all-weather editions for garden settings ++
Romiley Gadgets, 3a Riverside Drive

Snack tactic better
Trussty Lizzie has announced that she thinks the best approach to the loud noise north of the border is to ignore Wee Burney. Ex-Chancellor Snack prefers a positive response—that Burney should be confronted at every turn with the multiple failures of the SNP through a decade and a half in office—trams, ferries, roads & bridges, education, policing, health services, ect., ect.
“That's the perfect image for the SNP—Wee Burney 'launching' an unseaworthy ferry with painted-on windows that hadn't been installed at the time and still haven't been.” Binned Stanley

There is no holding the spivs back!
After boosting all sorts of dubious insulation products to keep homes warm in the depths of winter, they are now flogging all sorts of ways of keeping cool on the occasional hot days in summer. Wot next?

Q: Shouldn't a footballer who takes their shirt off on the pitch during a match get an automatic HUGE fine for bringing the game into disrepute as well as a yellow card?
A: Sounds fair enuff and probably the only way to train the ball-booters to behave appropriately..

The Gov. of the Bonk of England has been given a yellow card by a consortium of business leaders & economists for being a DoomBugger and talking the country down. His endless panic mongering is not helping, is the general verdict.
“Under the Snack Rule, is he liable to be treated as a terrorist & chucked into a deep, dark dungeon in the Tower of London for his anti-Britisch attitude?” Rod Knee
[Should happen. Ed.]

Chinese state-sanctioned terrorists are getting the blame for a cyber attack on the NHS 111 service, which demolished its IT system for several days.
[Or maybe it was Putinstanis. Ed.]

If your Amazon order goes a bit wonky, it's because the staff have walked out after being offered a 3% pay rise instead of the 10% they were demanding.

Prince Chuck is being dinged for taking a £300K donation to his charity from a Russian zillionaire whose Jewish affairs job obliges him to meet Putrid the Poisoner occasionally.

The Usual Suspects—Putin the ‘ass' into assumption.

Bad news for everyone who is currently spending all the cash that comes in as it arrives. The DoomBuggers reckon that the costa living egermency will cost an average household of 2.3 people an Xtra 6 grand this year compared to last year.
   But as the cute calculation includes all sorts of fripps & frills that can be done without easily, there is no need to raise the panic level to the required 150% level just yet.

The Royal Mail is changing its business model to ‘no deliveries before 6 p.m.' in order to ensure that most customers are @ home and there to receive bulky items which are too big to go though the national standard letterbox.

Sirb Eery Smarmer used to swear blind that he would stand in solidarity with the shirkers on every picket line available, even if he became Labour's leader. But now he is the leader, he's not doing it and reality is sinking the teeth of hypocrisy into his arse.

The Putinstanis are firing missles @ containers of spent fuel @ the Zaporizhzhia nuclear power station, wrecking radiation sensors. Bad aim or sheer stupidity? Could be either.

Talking about sheer stupidity . . .
Was the raid by the alleged US Justice Dept. on the Florida home of former president D. Trump an example of the corruption of a Federal agency by the looney left politicians and officials in Washington? Or was it all orchestrated to give his supporters another reason to rally round Trump and turn him into a martyr?
   If it happened in the Untied States, 'could be either' has to be the conclusion on this side of the pond. One thing is for sure, it won't have done the battered reputation of the FBI any favours.
“The abuse of a Federal agency has obvious parallels with the assault here on President Boris by the Commons privileges committee led by the odious Harridan Harperson, the Bremoaner usual suspects and the Tories who didn't get the job they thought was their birthright.” Arm Gargle

Good news for some fans of conker battles. The hot spell has accelerated development of the fruits of the horse chestnut in the South of England and they are already falling off trees there.
The nation's energy supplies are being endangered by Warmists who think they have a right to sabotage everything to do with North Sea oil & gas.
NHS dentistry is 14.7 months away from total Xtinction.
25% of UK customers are not Xpected to have a merry Xmas.
30% of UK customers are not bovvered by the costa living egermency & confident that they can cope.

Some housing associations are doing their best to overheat customers during hot spells by banning paddling pools, garden furniture & parasols on spurious fire-risk grounds.
“That would be something viral—a paddling pool full of water undergoing spontaneous combustion!” Dosh Snack

The oil companies are getting a booting for not passing on fluctuations in the price to motorists.
   But they are big and used to being booted, and it's unlikely to have any effect on them.
Esso petrol in Romiley was 173.9p/litre on Saturday 06th August and 172.9p/litre on Friday 12th
Esso diesel in Romiley was 184.9p/litre on Saturday 06th August and 183.9p/litre on Friday 12th

Once in a lifetime?
For the first time in recorded history, a French police squad has frustrated a gang of would-be cross-Channel illegal immigrants. The cops charged onto a beach earlier on in this week as a massive dinghy was being dragged seaward, slashed the fabric to deflate the air cells and battered the outboard engine into submission with hammers.
   The cops then departed, looking smug.
“Someone didn't get a pay-off coughed up in time?” Stack Babber

The UK is being swamped by uninvited economic migrants from Albania, where the usual Xcuses of war & persecution are not available.
   Xport to Rwanda of characters like this is now even more urgent.

Martyrs Schmartrys
The Church of England is involved in a campaign to cancel direct debits to energy companies by people who think they should be supplied for free. Spivs & chancers are also Xpected to join in in large numbers.

After spending 17 days on holiday in the White House with a dose of the Chinese plague, President Creaky Joe's first official job turned out to be . . . a day out @ a holiday resort in Delaware.

The Metropolitan Police farce is in trouble for strip-searching 650 children during the last 3 years of the reign of Dockson of Dick Green, often without the benefit of the presence of an appropriate adult.

Teachers are not legally obliged to go along with the delusions of kids who want to pretend to be the other sex and wear an inappropriate uniform & use the other sex's facilities.

No doubt Brexit is to blame
The Archybish of Cantab has achieved 5-Star DoomBugger status by accusing the 1% emissions UK of causing climate change which will turn half the population of The Planet into migrants by the end of this century. Or something.

“Everyone and his granny is yelling for the government to do something NOW!! But only so that they can start bawling that the thing is either the wrong one or it's never gonna work.
   “It's a mark of the yellers' uselessness that they know that we know it's what they do, but they still do it.” Mox Lee

TNF: The Al Capones in Winnipeg
Mr. Collards of the Blue Bombers was sacked several times in Q1. The Als went a TD ahead 3 minutes in to Q2 thanks to DPI by the BB. Running for his life, Collards fired off a TD pass, 7-all after 9 minutes. A chip shot 20 yard FG try by the Als dinged off the post. Collards was sacked again.
   The Als reached the WPG 35 half-way through Q3, FG, 10-7. The BB equalized from longer range after 11 minutes. They stopped slacking in Q4 and Olivera went in for a TD in the 3rd minute, 10-17. Collards was mugged in the 8th minute and fumbled the ball to the Als.
   Davis came on for Harris to Charge! from close to the goal line. The Als were stopped on 3rd down but a fingertip offside gave them another set of downs and a TD. 17-all with 2:21 left. The Bombers set up for a FG as time ran out but the dozy bugger missed! Overtime,
   The Als went 2 & FG, bang down the middle, 20-17. The BB went 2 & FG after a challenge for DPI failed. Donk off the upright! The BB are now 9-1 instead of perfect @ 10-0.

Past Blaster
A decade ago, N. Lamb, the Liberal 'Care Minister' in Dave the Leader's coalition government, ordered GPs to put 1% of their customers on a Death List, which would ensure that if the customer had to go to hospital, they would get no treatment (to save NHS costs) other than being looked after until they were ready for a trip to the mortuary.
   The scam was revealed to the public to make the decrepit part of the citizenry refuse to go to hospital if it was sure to be a one-way trip in order to save further NHS funds.
   What nice people the Liberals are.

Q: What do you get if you take your kid to swim with sharks in the Bahamas?
A: A kid with both legs chewed by 3 sharks.

The trade unionists who do A-level results are planning to walk out on the day the results are revealed to cause maximum annoyance to the customers.

Instant government decision, shock-horror!
The Home Office has told the police to stop running their Registration Scheme, which requires foreign nationals from enemy countries to give details of who they are, where they they're living and what they are doing here in the first place.
   The cynics' view of the move is that it is an admission that the scam is just a waste of police time & taxpayers' money.
The Home Office already collects the information when the foreigner applies to come here and the police scam is just a Spanish practice dating back to World War I, when all we had to worry about was German spies.

Vindictive, or what
"What can we do to upset a lot of people?" the bosses of the BierBC asked themselves. The best they could come up with was to cancel the 5 p.m. summary of the Saturday football results on the steam wireless.

Q: How many times was the appalling author S. Rushdie stabbed at a do in western New York state?
A: Twice
Q: So claims that it was ten times or ‘up to 15 times' are just wishful thinking?
A: Indeed.
The number of his injuries as reported from the hospital suggests that the 2 guesstimate is as reliable as the one of 15 stabs.

Customers are reminded that there is no point in getting used to heatwave conditions as you will all be freezing to bloody death next week. That's what the Britisch climate is all about.

No Chance Saloon
The ambulance service is so overloaded by defective customers that cops with guns, who have had first-aid training, are being set to attend to people who have had a heart attack as a "First & only resort".
[If the heart attack doesn't finish them off, someone yelling 'Armed police!' will! Okay, that was in Xtreme bad taste but that's the way things are. Ed]

Whether it was donated missles fired by the Ukrainian army or defective Soviet munitions spontaneously combusting, the end result is the same. The destruction of a Putinstani military air base in Crimea.
Alternatively, the attack was carried out by Ukraine's Special Forces; possibly posing as tourists. Same result, however.
The Putinstani claim that someone dropped a cigarette end in the wrong place and sent nine planes up in smoke is being absolutely drowned in derision from all sides.

FNF: the Argonauts in Hamilton
The Argos were done for 20 yards for time-wasting before they kicked off! The 2nd TigerCat drive produced a FG after 9 minutes. Punt by the Argos for a single, 1-3. Then they picked off the first TC play, Kelly came on as QB and hit the end zone, 8-3.
   The Command Centre stepped in to reverse a bad penalty call on the Argos and the Cats kicked a FG in Q2, 8-6. A 47-yarder by the Argos, 11-6. The Argos lost an end zone pick to DPI, Newman came on as QB to score a TD for the Cats, +2, 11-14. The Argos got level with a FG.
   Then there was a flag-fest; but not one thrown for DPI on Speedy B, and challenge flags flying. The Argos kicked a FG but a penalty gave them a 1st down and a TD by Daniels put them 21-14 up a half time.
   An exchange of FGs started Q4 at 24-17. The Cats had a punt return to the end zone cancelled by holding, but Shiltz to White from midfield and a TD made it 24-all after 5 minutes. The Cats went a TD up inside the last 3 minutes and kicked a FG, 24-34 with 1:40 left. The Argos were left 10 points down with 2 seconds on the clock, so they kicked a FG. 27-34 final.

People who do bugger all in the workplace are no longer to be referred to as lazy skiving bastards. They are now quiet quitters. By order.
   This term is a Chinese import, apparently.
“Quiet quitter? Next step, a tasteful termination of employment and bye-ee, sucker!” Reddi F'rowt

One of the Tories on the looney left/Bremoaner/Boris Basher Commons committee doing the witch hunt against President Boris has been shamed into baling out. But only if the witch hunters will let her.
“What, Xactly, are Harridan Harperson & her witch hunt crew doing about the costa living egermency, fuel prices and all the other stuff they were sent to Parliament to deal with? Or is that somehow unimportant next to their personal vendettas?” Anne Gular

Even more Abuse of Office
West Mercia Police Farce & the Bier Can't Prosecute ‘Service' are under investigation for assault & persecution of a Kidderminster man who mooned a speed cam in a police van as part of his ‘I'm going to die soon' bucket list.
   The Professional Standards waxworks are Xpected to turn the usual blind eye to the violent assault and the needless persecution, a standard machination of the Dweeb State.

Good sense not Xtinct in Yorkshire
Morons are demanding that York Dungeon changes the ‘Dick' in its Dick Turpin carriage ride; the finale of the tour of the location, to ‘Richard' because ‘Dick' is rude.
   Their demand is being met with concerted derision for their filthy minds from all quarters.

Further proof that Ghod is female—the Xperts have found that men are more likely to get cancers than females, especially if GPs are not doing customer interviews with the customer present.

If you're a Labour MP and you steal 50 grand from the taxpayer with fraudulent expenses claims, you could get away with it a decade ago by claiming you were feeling too depressed to go to court and be prosecuted. No doubt the same still applies.

The biggest bid for the energy price cap next year is now five grand. Will some pillock go for six?

Droughts, hosepipe bans and the climate & fuel egermencies are being blamed on the relentless & wilful pessimism of theGrauniad crew.

Advertisement Mr. Wydey’s Book List Highly Recommended Reading, Authors worth pursuing & some Awful Warnings, Hundreds of Bux listed!

WEEK 3    Taking care not to touch the sides

 

Ex-Chancellors like Osborne & Snack freezing tax thresholds will cost workers £30 BILLION per year. Which makes rescinding the recent rise in National Insurance (£14 BILLION) very affordable.
87.6% of the customers would not pee on Boris-basher Tory MP B. Jenkin if he were on fire. Not even if they were absolutely bursting for a jimmy.
The Enviromint Agency is Putin its alibis in place for a drought lasting well into 2023.
The Notional Truss is claiming that its beavers are preventing rivers from drying up.
Isle of Man blitzed by building wrecking lightning strikes on Sunday night.

SNF 1: the BC Lions in Calgary
The Lions went 2 & punt but the Stampeders bogged the return, BC ball and a FG from it. The kick off was returned to the BC 29! FG, 3-all. A pick right away set up a TD for Philpot and a FG after 13 minutes put the home team 3-13 ahead.
   The first play of Q2 was a CS punt, the next was a CS pick-6. A 30 yard TD pass to Rhymes got the Lions to 10-20. A long FG by the Stamps. BC got to their 1 and Rourke went in for a TD, 17-23. A quick TD by the Stamps, a single from a punt in reply, 18-30. The Stamps missed a 51 yard FG just before half time.
   The CS kicked a FG in Q3. Rhymes lost a TD to his OPI, FG instead, 21-33 after 9 minutes. Offsetting penalties did Lucky Whitehead out of a TD. BC got a FG out of a CS fumble in Q4 and Burnham held on to a rocket pass for a TD, 31-33. The kick off was run back 99 yards by Logan for a TD!! 31-40 with 6 minutes left.
   Rabbit on the pitch in the 12th minute. A 3rd & 9 pass to Burnham between 2 defenders was worth a TD and 38-40. A punt left BC at their 6 needing a FG to win. Whitehead got them in range, 41-40 with 2 seconds to go. The end. These Lions mean business.

Some swimmer is accusing Britain of being responsible for Commonwealth countries not appreciating homosexualists. Does anyone care? Thought not. It's just routine anti-British BS from the BierBC and a usual suspect.
“If he's hates Britain so much, what was he doing @ international sporting events, trying to win medals as part of Team GB? Rank hippocrisy of Smarmer proportions.” Wander Walk
“No danger of the hissy git handing back any awards won as a member of team GB, of course. HAGD**, Sunshine!” Stee Myrrh
[Have A Grotty Day. Ed.]
“This just confirms that while this character might know something about swimming, he knows F.A about anything else. Worse, he's ready & willing to help the BierBC get on with its Britain bashing agenda. Because he is too iggorant to kno any better?” Ned Sundormer
“Useful idiot in the pocket of the Islamism apologists/deflecters.” Angin Rings
“How many decades is it since the places he's moaning about were evicted from the Britisch Empire? Slushtag ^PoisonPillock” Arta Kontrole

Marriage is being cancelled by breeding couples. Most of them now seem to think the tax breaks offered to officialized couples don't make it worthwhile. Alternatively, the inconveniences caused by the Chinese plague are the cause.

The BierBC has a Climate Confecter. No further details have been forthcoming.

Dweeb State at it again
That Soviet-style raid of armed troops & armoured vehicles by the Federal Bureau of Instigation and the not-so Secret Service on the Trump residence in Florida will have fall-out later in the year.
The current US Attorney, General Garland, who authorized the raid, has been advised that he will be toast after this year's elections put the Republicans back in charge of the House of Reps.
The assault was timed to ensure that ex-President Trump would be elsewhere so that the Feds would have an excuse to blow his safe open.
Even the Democrap mouthpiece, Nasti Pelosi, felt obliged to put on a display of shock-horror. Not that anyone was convinced by it.
The FBI is attempting to deny that its agents are sent to China for training in totalitarian tactics.

Donald Trump's greatest talent remains his ability to annoy all the right people @ any moment of his choosing.

Modern Proverb
The Meek will inherit The Earth. But not until after the Contemptible have wrecked it and then melted like Snoflakes on a sunny day.

Q: Why did Man. Utd. get a hammering from Brentford last Saturday?

A: 'Coz they were wearing pale green shirts instead of red ones.

Brown bollocks in abundance
Maybe all those meeja outlets which know that Gordon F. Broon is a busted flush; and also the architect of most of the current costa living egermency; should either deny him the oxygen of publicity or be relentless about shooting holes in the old booby's pretence to have an answer for everything.

Week 10 finale: Elsewhere in Alberta
The RoughRiders were sacked to a punt for a point. The Antlers advanced to the red zone and Cornelius did a QB draw for a TD. Fajardo did the same going the other way, 8-7. The RR were sacked to a punt in Q2. The Ants reached the SK 5 but a botched hand-off to the running back gave the ball to the Riders.
   The next EA drive produced a FG, 11-10 with 2:30 to go. Way too many flags flying. The Riders kicked a FG. Blimey! A 26 yard TD dash by Cornelius, 14-17. The Ants had their No. 65 sent off and the Riders returned the kick off for a TD. 21-17 at half time.
   Lightning caused a bit of a weather delay before Q3. Lotz of sacks & punting, including one for a single by the RR. 2 minutes in to Q4, the Ants kicked a FG then made an immediate pick to the SK 31. Two kicks needed for a FG and 22-23.
   A pick by the Ants was cancelled by DPI. TD but no +2 from the next play, 28-23 with 4 minutes left. A pick by the Riders led to a FG? Another bloody penalty on the Ants set up a TD for Fajardo. The PAT missed but 34-23 was too bloody much to break the Edmonton team's 'lose at home' streak. Bring back the Eskimos!

Thumbs which way?
We keep hearing from the usual suspects that our current lack of a functioning government is a Bad Thing. But given the messes created in the past by what were considered to be fully functional governments, could it just be that not having one is actually a Good Thing?

Why pay 2 grand for a handbag that looks like a used tin of paint? We can do one for you for 15 quid!
Variety of sizes & designs
Romiley New Novelties, 16b Riverside Drive

We’ve already said “Goodbye”
The current message to sacked Chancellor Snack if that he has lost the beauty contest, he won't be picked as the next Tory leader and he should stop arseing around and drop out of the running with as much grace as he can muster so that a new government can be formed and get on with the job of wrecking The Planet and filling the country with Albloodybanian migrants.
“Snack might even get another responsible job in government as his reward. Sometime before the end of the century.” Reddi Breq

Some universities are finding it virtually impossible to put together an English Literature course of books that won't send snoflakes into a terminal tail-spin. Traditional children's books are a particular problem, especially if they contains ogres, witches, dragons & evil step-mothers.
   Some courses consist now of little more than thousands of trigger warnings about stuff to which the snoflakes will not be Xposed.

Woked-up uselessness
The Chief Inspector of Constabulary, A Cooke, has concluded that the nation's coppers are clueless and need locking up for impersonating police officers if all they can manage are charging rates for burglary, robbery & theft in the low single figures, percentagewise.
[Charging, not conviction. Ed.]

Some public spirited person has released a mountain lion near Mhegan the Merciless' lurkery in California in the hope of doing the world a favour.

Thames Water would have its customers believe that they are lucky that only 25% of their water is allowed to leak away, not 75%.

Waste of Space, Time, Everything
The Chief Inspector of Constabulary has given police farces until next March to bring their crime scene management practices up to standard. BFN has peered into the crystal ball and we predict confidently that nothing will happen until the end of February next year.
   Then the Xcuses Folder will be mined for a dozen good reasons why nothing can be done. Or nothing can be done unless lotz more taxpayers' cash is thrown @ the police farces.
“Nice to see the blame for all the lies the police have told about crime rates over the past couple of decades put where it belongs. On the account of the arch liar, tony b.” Un Dulate
“It was a well-known fact a decade or more ago that the police were falsifying crime figures. So should we be impressed by the knocking job issued by the new Constabulary Inspectorator? Or should we be asking which beach he has been lounging on out of the UK for the last dozen years?” Mark Matter

“If, as the BierBC would have us believe, all the crises and egermencies are here rather than anywhere else on The Planet, why don't we all migrate to some paradise abroad and let the illegal immigrants deal with all the catastrophic stuff?” E. Vil

Putrid the Poisoner has been fined 182 BILLION roubles (£37) for spreading fake news about his army by claiming that casualties in Ukraine are light to almost zero and nothing his customers should get excited about.

Blunted Instrument
The reason why the FBI & Co. turned over the Trump estate whilst The Donald was elsewhere, it is being suggested vigorously, was that it let the Feds plant 'evidence' for some convenient stooge to find.
   Thus anything the Feds claim they 'found' in Florida is hopelessly tainted by their Xclusion of everyone else from the 'discovery' process.

The Scottish TUC is trying to prevent able people older than the state pension age from continuing working if they wish to and there are skill shortages. Looney left ideology & anti-Toryism are at the back of it.

The BierBC now has an official Disinformation Correspondent. Not a lot of people know that.
“Only one? Aren't all of the buggers disinformers, the ones in the building, the ones out confecting reports of disaster & egermencies and the Shirk @ Homers?” Con Tinue

Q: Is it true that the BierBC has all its lights on permanently and the central heating running @ full blast 24/7 to maximize the energy egermency?
A: Certainly looks likely.
Q: Has anyone noticed that Sirb Eery Smarmer was skiving off on holiday all last week?
A: The official reason for where he was being pointless turns out to be that he was doing research into whinges which can be aimed @ the holidaying President Boris. The actual reason why he was skiving is that there is bugger all of any use that he can do here [like always, Ed.], so it doesn't matter where he is or what he does.

“Women who weren't allowed to retire @ 60 are claiming they only want what is fair. But what could be fairer than letting them retire at the same age as men?” Hun Chabac

The Perils of Sneaking a Holiday
Sirk Reepy Smarmer has come under a barrage of broadsides from the busted flush Gordon F. Broon, the Man Who Stole Your Pension and let the banks go bust.
   All of the Kreepy one's many deficiencies are being put on show by the unemployable Broon and unfriendly scribes in the news meeja, who will keep on asking of Smarmer: "What's he for!"

1. In December 2012, it was predicted that the Director of Public Prostitutions, a certain Kreepy Smarmer, would decide that people who put threats on the interweb cannot be charged with a criminal offence if they claim they were drunk at the time.
2. In the same month, the EFU insisted that footballs be stamped with a warning that they are a choking hazard if swallowed by children under 3 years of age.

Is it moral or even legal for the likes of Amazon & eBay to remove offers of illegal bladed weapons only if Which? tells them about the item? Sounds like the platform's scanning software is not fit for purpose. Like a lot of stuff.

Scots students are being frozen out of university places in their homeland because students from England pay 400% of the tuition fee offered by the SNP to buy 'free to the student' places. Students from abroad are worth lotz more. This same fact of life is keeping Britisch kids out of universities in England.

“It's all very well for former TV news executives to moan about President Boris telling porkies, but are they going to return all the dosh they made out of writing about him as a show of clean hands? Or apologize for their porkies? Like as if.” Gedda Life

Q: Should books have triggers?
A: Guns need them to work, books don't. Words are not dangerous, only looney psychos with guns & knives are.

Tell ’em anything—someone might believe it
A decade ago, Xperts were predicting that wet weather & bad harvests would make food unaffordable and make the nation's weight problems melt away.
   Didn't happen.
   We're now being told that heat waves & energy prices will make food unaffordable. Will the o'besity crisis go away now? WTFH to the Xperts kno anyway?

The BMA is demanding a 26% pay rise for its members and junior docs are going on strike if they don't get the full whack.

Ofgem director quits—that's her bugging out of a failed regulator with the usual rewards for failure?

The NHS is continuing to recruit diversity & similar dooshanks instead of people who would be of any use to the customers. If you were wondering why the BILLIONs going into the NHS from the National Insurance rise are having no effect, "Weel, ye ken the noo!"

Yet another Labour MP has booted a hole in the Coda Conduct; Lammy, the pretend For. Sec.; but it's all the fault of his office staff and, as for Sirk Reepy, nowt will be done about it by the Standards Wallah as Lammy ain't a Tory and only they can do wrong.

Sacked Chancellor Snack has been Xposed as a refusnik, who frustrated attempts to junk vexatious EFU red tape. He's also no friend of Northern Ireland and not bovvered about the vexatious trade regulations blighting the province.

Gross Greenwash
The Energy Sec. K. Kwarteng, is right to point out that bringing wood pellets across the Atlantic to burn @ the Drax power station in Yorkshire won't save The Planet from Gorbal Warmage Fraudsters.
   But doing it will keep the lights on when the wind don't blow (at the right speed) and the Sun don't shine and gas stops flowing.

With a friend like him . . .
The regime in Byellowroseofrussia is getting increasingly nervous about being a client of Putridstan. What's making them really frantic is Putrid's insistence on using their country as a parking space for his Xploding aircraft & supplies of spontaneously combusting munitions, which keep going up in smoke near the border with Ukraine.

No wonder we are broke
Nottingham city council (Labour) has blown millions of pounds of taxpayers' money on a greenwash solar panel scam, which has created a major public health hazard.
   Pigeons are nesting under the rooftop panels and contaminating the surrounding area with their Xcretions. Which means that lotz more TPM has to be blown on anti-pigeon screens of the sort deployed on the railway bridge in Romiley to clear that infestation.

Nottingham's council is notorious for finding ways to blow tens of millions of pounds of TPM on all sorts of scams in the name of achieving pointless or notional or delusional carbon neutrality.

“There are idiots around who think Gordon F. Broon is a genius. No wonder we're in such a dreadful mess.” Ret Iculated

“Moving water to where it is needed using the existing canal network will never happen because any plan would be sabotaged by the vested & panted interests who would want to take zillions off the taxpayer to build an entirely new and independent system, which would become available by 2060? 2070?
   “And probably leak like mad when it's delivered because the shoddy materials used in the construction have exceeded their sell-by dates.” Five John Lyton

Q: When did CNN lose its credibility?
A: In February 2013, when a CNN ‘anchor' asked a visiting Xpert if an asteroid doing a close pass by The Planet in an Earth-crossing orbit was due to gorbal warmage!!

“When the nutter who attacked S. Rushdi goes to gaol instead of the electric chair in New York state, he'll be an ‘incarcerated person' instead of an ‘inmate' as that world makes criminals uncomfortable.” Mark Time
“Are we supposed to be surprised or even shocked that women are now invisible in Afghanistan since it became Talibanistan again a year ago? What the hell else would anyone Xpect? Anyone in their right mind, that is.” Que Vadis

Xplosions of Putinstan's dodgy munitions in Crimea are becoming a regular event. A ban on smoking to prevent careless disposal of the cigarette ends that are causing all the havoc seems to be indicated.

Grade inflation @ O- & A-Levels has been severely dented by a return to actual Xams instead of teachers trying to make themselves look good.

Q: Should we be impressed by BierBC hysteria over the biggest change on record if the records have been kept only for the last 20 years?
A: We should be asking why the records have been kept only for 20 years and if they are so bloody important, why they weren't begun sooner? As usual, the BierBC focuses on the wrong part of the story.

Are there serious problems around in the world today? Not if there are gangs of people with so little to moan about that they have to be upset by an advert for household paint.

It's official. The Kreepy One has been SoH**.
[**Skiving On Holiday. Ed.]

Masked motivation
The Sleepy Joe regime in the Untied States is keeping suspiciously quiet about why it had the Trump estate in Florida surrounded by heavily armed stooges, all looking outwards rather than inwards.
   Could it be that they were hoping to stir up a riot and have a battle with Trump supporters? Which, tragically for the Democraps, failed to happen because the Trumpists spotted what was going on?
“Maybe they were hoping a Russian submarine would surface offshore and send a gang of hooligans ashore to stir up their riot.” Karl Vanman

The soon-to-be-gone US Attorney, General Gatland, has taken the unusual step of reminding the Americans that the only people above the law in Ghod's Country are called Clinton & H. Biden. And a few others. Well, quite a few others, to be accurate.

Weasel word warning
The Russell Group of universities is deploying the much overworked ‘working hard' cliché about finding places for grade-deflated would-be students. Result—no one is taking the claim seriously.

Esso petrol in Romiley 169.9p/litre
Esso diesel in Romiley 180.9p/litre

Military barrel scrapeage
Putinstan is using Europe's biggest nuclear reactor as a barracks, munitions store & artillery base and shelling nearby unimportant areas in the Xpectation that its clients will pretend to believe that Ukrainian forces are doing the shellage.

VFM?
NASA is to spend $147 BILLION on putting a person of colour on the Moon before the end of the decade.

64% of Americans no longer rate the Federal Bureau of Instigation as a fair and reasonable and politically neutral law enforcement agency.

The leaders of the rail unions have admitted that their members are so grossly overpaid that they can afford to go on strike for months without feeling the pinch.

Lock-in has done wonders for the gout & o'besity industries following a surge of binge-eating and a decline in exercising. Hospital admissions for gout cases are up 20% on 3 years ago.
“You have to wonder if any of this panic about gout & o'besity is real. If we're in a costa living crisis, won't it all just go away if the customers can't afford to gorge themselves any more?” Cell Ebrity
“If it doesn't go away, that's a sure sign that the BierBC Disaster Confection stooge has been on overtime.” Kui Dado

Way off target
In voter surveys on the prospects of the Tory leadership beauty pageant's hopefuls, Trussty Lizzie is getting twice as many votes as sacked Chancellor R. Snack.
   If an option to go for returning President Boris is included, he's 3x more popular than Trussty Lizzie and 3½ times more popular than sacked Snack.

Sirk Reepy Smarmer broke off his lengthy holiday to go to Labour's mythical forest to plant a Magic Energy Tree next to the Magic Money Tree donated by O.J. Corbynstein.

Another reason for avoiding the NHS
34 hospitals have a roof made of aerated concrete planks, which could collapse at any moment, the DoomBuggers of the NHS are proclaiming.
   The concrete structures were installed in the 1960s to the 1980s, and they have a design life of 30 years. Which means that some of them are twice as old as their safety limit.
The legal trade is lickings its collective lips over possible charges of corporate manslaughter if anyone is killed by a collapse.
“How strange that the overpaid burrocraps of the NHS didn't realize this would be a problem 40 years ago and do something about it. But no doubt the ones whose responsibility it was are now safely retired with a gong and a zillion-pound pension fund.” Ocho Sinko

When you get right down to it, it’s all about the money
It seems that the DoomBuggers of GreenPease are claiming that the Putinstani shelling of the nuclear reactor @ Zaporizhzhia will turn large part of Yourope and Putinstan into a radioactive desert.
   That's yelling about a reactor with a containment shell strong enough to withstand a Jumbo jet crashing on to it.
   The DoomBugger lobby is claiming that a million people died of cancers as a result of Putinstan's adventure with the reactor @ Chernobyl.
   Bollocks, say medical Xperts. There was a rise in cases of thyroid cancer, which is quite treatable and no evidence of an increase in leukemia deaths.
   Similarly, the destruction of the Japanese reactor site at Fukushima led to no increase in deaths due to the effects of radiation. It was the 2011 reactor-wrecking tsunami that killed thousands of people.
   Here, only the BierBC is spreading the DoomBugger disinformation, assisted by ‘feelings' rather than evidence from the Welsh branch of the NFU.

The government has had to appoint commissioners to take over the finances of Liverpool's council (Labour), which are in one hell of a mess. Scousers are up in arms about this infringement of their ‘uman right to screw things up royally.
Quote: "The Labour movement has solidarity". Yes, especially between the ears.

The bosses of the RAF face court martial for refusing to allow white males to be recruited until ‘impossible' quotas for women & ethnics have been achieved on wonkism grounds. Which is putting the security of the nation @ risk when we are threatened by commies in China & Putinstan.

Stop wasting our cash, you bastards
The brain-dead bozos running the NHS; the ones who are forever rattling a begging bowl; have blown a million quid of our money on helping their staff to waste thousands of hours per year on wokery instead of doing anything useful for the customers.
   Algae Boutique dos and celebrating the independence days of the nations of the world are popular excuses for a party.
   No one will be sacked for any of this, of course.

FNF 2: The Antlers in the nation’s capital
Both sides were sacked to a punt in their opener. A penalty let the RedBlacks swap a FG for a TD by QB Evans, 0-7 after 9 minutes. Then FGs; a 52-yarder by the Ants, and 2 missed for rouges in Q2 by the RBs, 3-9. Then one went through in the 11th minute! 3-12. The Ants reached the RB 7, DPI in goal, a 3rd down TD for Locksley, the PAT hit the post, 9-12.
   A TD for Lawler 4 minutes into Q3 put the visitors from Edmonton 16-12 ahead. Then a TD for Litre, 23-12. Lots of charges by the Ants in Q4 to the Ottawa 4, TD for Walker as the 15th play of the drive, 30-12. 6 minutes left, the RBs kept going out on downs, the Antlers won one!!

Just blatant rachelism
All the usual suspects went nutz and started kneeling down when a black criminal was killed in the US. But when an old, non-criminal white bloke is murdered on a street in west London, nothing.
   Pretty much what the cosmetic mayor is doing about knife crime.

Fact—the death rate from nuclear generated electricity, terawatt for terawatt, is lower than that for wind power. But no panic from the DoomBuggers about that, of course.

Jealousy? Maybe . . .
If you were ever wondering why Romiley Literary Circle isn't affiliated to the Society of Authors, we can offer no better reason than its chairman, J. Harris, who seems to be in favour of the more successful than her author J.K. Rowling receiving death threats.

Britain's Notional Crime Agency, our equivalent of the Federal Bureau of Instigation, has a new Director, General G. Biggar, who is going after scammers.
   To which the only possible response is to ask why the NCA has been sitting on its hands, doing bugger all about scammers, for years & years?

Looney lefties go even loonier
What, the world is eager to know, does Putinstan have on the management of Amnesty International which has turned the organization from a charity that's supposed to defend the victims of persecution into a Putrid propaganda machine?

The Polis of the Metrolopis have blown hundreds of thousands of pounds of taxpayers' money on trying and failing to persecute women who attended a vigil for murdered S. Everard. [Murdered by one of the Met's own. Ed.]
   The Can't Prosecute Service [former prop. Sirb Eery Smarmer, he keeps reminding us, Ed.] is also up to its greasy neck in the scandal, to no one's surprise.

We are told that airlines cancelling flights when schools have their half-term holidays will upset families. But if we're in a costa living crisis, not being able to blow a ton of cash on a foreign holiday should be a positive relief for the hard-pressed.

Firms which are in a trial of 5 days' pay for 4 days' work are trying to hide this information from potential recruits to avoid being swamped by skivers.

The wheels grind exceedingly slowly
We sent this message to the GM Police & Crime Commissioner a decade ago.

Greetings! On behalf of BlackFlag News, I would like to ask the Crime Commissioner how many crimes he has commissioned for the first three months of his period of office, and how many have proceeded to completion to date. Regards, Gordon Range, BlackFlag News Co-ordinator.

We're still waiting for a reply.

Winning a few matches has given the England women's football team the delusion that men talking about Football League matches have to clear their remarks with a committee of wimmin before uttering them. How very communist & lefty luvvie of them.

WEEK 4    Turning microincivilities into macros for Those People

 
Shake ’em up a bit!
Sacked chancellor Snack is making himself popular with the civil service by proposing that waxworks should get a pay rise (or not) based on performance rather than how long they've had a fist in the taxpayer's pocket.
   They'll also have to spend at least a year out of their group-think bubble in an attempt to put them somewhat in touch with the real world.

Cash flow crisis?
Universities which Xclude potential students who do not have impoverished parents are likely to face a massive class action for depriving academically bright children of their ‘uman right to an education and their ‘uman right to be treated fairly & equally.

FNF 2: The Lions @ jam-packed Mosaic
Passes to Rhymes then Burnham got BC to the SK 7, DPI, Charge! by Pipkin. 7-0 after 4 minutes. The RoughRiders had to punt but a pass was tipped to them. But an end zone pick gave the ball back to BC. They got to the SK 5, only to be picked off in goal by Moncrief.
   Nothing from a pick by Purifoy in Q2. Lotz for the punters until the Riders blocked one and started at the BC 33. Just a FG, 7-3 in the 10th minute. BC got to the SK 2, another TD for Pipkin, 14-3. The Riders were sacked to a punt with 2 minutes left.
   Bang! One play to a wide open Lucky Whitehead, 90 yards for a TD, 21-3. Which left time for Fine to hit McInnis with a TD pass, 21-10 at half time.
   A one-handed end zone catch by Burnham in Q3 put the visitors 28-10 up. The Riders got close at the end of the quarter but fumbled the ball away. Rourke went off dinged. The Riders kept going out on downs and there was no more scoring.

Rethink, restart, get it wrong again?
Sirk Reepy Smarmer has spent his 2½ years as Labour leader trying to distance himself from O.J. Corbynstein's economics of the looney bin. [After embracing them with as much enthusiasm as a cold fish can summon. Ed.]
   He has now swanned back from holiday to unveil his own Way Forward for the nation's finances. "Economic illiteracy in a class of its own" is the verdict of the Xperts in the field.
   Oh, dear, how sad, back to the drawing board.

Some retailers are trying to cheer their customers up by decking their shelves with Xmas decorations—with the implied message: "Quick, buy now before they become unaffordable".

“Nurse, she’s out of bed again!”
The SNP is under the delusion that ‘mitigating' the 2% of whisky that escapes from barrels during the maturation process will end gorbal warmage and win a Nobel Prize for Wee Burney Sturgeon.

A-Level grade inflation has decreased this year, but only cosmetically.

Equalization Agenda
Cyclists face the same sort of fees as motorists if the tax everything gang get their way. Licencing, fines for speeding, traffic offences, etc. And they will need to display a number plate to help to take them to court for a slap on the wrist when some selfish bastard kills a pedestrian on a pavement.

Q: How do you put gender neutral pronouns into a signature as the wonk admiral in charge of Britain's Armed Forces is demanding?
A: Signed, Themthey Theythem. Simple!
[And also uninformative if everyone appears to be called that. Ed.]

Q: What Xactly does the Royal Navy taxi service for migrants in the Channel do?
A: In theory, it prevents illegals from landing undetected & fading into the background. In theory, they end up @ risk of being sent to Rwanda, which is supposed to discourage them.

“Strangely enough, we Romiley residents can feel quite cheerful when we scan a Daily Disaster newspaper story about how everything in the food line has become unaffordable and a serious threat to the national o'besity crisis.
   “Why? ‘Coz the lists of stuff that has shot up in price tend to be full of branded goods and we can get alternatives of equal quality 50-100% cheaper here in Romiley.” Real E. Smug

SNF 2: The Stampeders in T’ronno
The stamps started at their 8, a pass play got them to the Argo 22, FG, 3-0. The Argos reached & goal, FG, 3-all. They did nothing with a pick right away and defences ruled into Q2. Suddenly, the CS ground game woke up and Logan went in for a TD in the 5th minute, 10-3.
   Kelly took the Argos from their 49 to the CS 40, then to the 1, TD, 10-all. The Argos were sacked to a FG after recovering a forced fumble, and kicked another FG in the last minute. 10-16 at half time.
   Another FG for the TA 9 minutes in to Q3. Mitchell was swapped for a Stamp back-up QB but it was a pick-6 by Bouka of the defence and no +2 that got the Stamps to 16-19.
   The CS got level with a FG in the first minute of Q4, and went ahead with another after 5 minutes, 22-19. The Stamps had a pass picked off in the Argo goal with 3 minutes to go. Punt, punt. The Argos were left with less than a minute to do something. So they fumbled the ball away to the Stamps. The End.

Our local MP is feeling depressed by the failure of his Wragg Revolution attempt to dislodge President Boris and he's taking time off to go and lie down in a dark room until he feels better.

A US firm with the cute name Boom Supersonic is hoping to get a mini-Concord flying between New York & London before the end of the decade.
   The new supersonic plane will do 1,300 mph, carry 80 passengers and use gorbal warmage swindle fuel.

Only Channel 5 could do a rockumentary called Top of the Pops: Secrets & Scandals, and not mention the BierBC's fave paedophile, Sir J. Savile. Or any of the others.

Women who add 10 children to the declining population of Putinstan will be awarded Hero of the Soviet Residue status and a payment of 347 TRILLION roubles (£13,000), which must be deposited in an account in the Bank of Putrid with an interest rate of -11%.
“Maybe if Putrid stopped getting his subjects killed for dissent and in pursuit of his territorial ambitions, the population wouldn't be in decline.” Mar Blarch

SNF 1: The TigerCats in Montreal; no lead is safe
The Al Capones nearly started with a score but Kelly picked Harris in the TC goal. The Cats had a punt cancelled by a penalty on the Als but went out on downs @ the MTL 6. White barged in for a TD to top their next effort with about a minute of Q1 left, 7-0.
   The Als kicked a FG after 5 minutes of Q2 and the Cats missed one for a single, 8-3. Philpot was killed on the way to a TD and the +2 for Lewis with 4 minutes left, 8-11. A FG put the Cats level @ half time, 11-all.
   The Als went ahead with a 54-yard TD play in Q3. The Cats didn't have to punt after their kicker was killed, a dodgy DPI call in the MTL goal was allowed to stand, on to a TD, 18-all, BOOOOOOO! At their 46 with about a minute to go, the Cats went ahead with a TD pass, Shiltz to White, 25-18.
   Lots of defence into Q4, the Als got a rouge from a punt, 25-19. They eventually reached the Hamilton 45, TD pass to White, 25-26 with 2:18 left. A 3rd down sack was wiped out by a penalty and the Cats got to kick a FG from the MTL 44, 28-26 with 37 seconds left. Time enough for the Als to get to the TC 40 and kick a winning FG. 29-29 final. Phew!

A rush of condemnation and a drying up of cash donations is forcing the discredited Amnesty Putinstan to reconsider supporting the invasion of Ukraine. [In return for tainted loot? Ed,]
   The Secretary of AmPut, General Callamard, is getting a revealed $260,000 for her efforts. How much more is coming in under the counter has not been revealed.

The nation's police farces have decided to make abuse of women by coppers a sacking offence. Which leaves the rest of us wondering what took them so long.
“This failure to condemn abuse of women is being blamed on the dozy bastards who were put in charge of misconduct hearings. The roots, of course, lie in the corruption of the police during the corrupt new labour era.” Per Radua

Are we surprised by the view that young adults watch less TV than pensioners? No, the bozos just spend the unused viewing time, and lotz more, twatting about with their phone.

In 2013, Honda decided to dig potholes in its test track to find out if the vehicles could stand up to the UK's generally crap & unmaintained roads. Has to have been an excellent investment, given that things here get only worser, roadwise.

The ocean contamination monitors, official & self-appointed, are warning of a summer of sewage for Britain's beaches as the water companies fail miserably again with water management.

right: The manager of Spurs, A. Conte, puts the record straight with Tom Tuchel, the Chelski guy. Do you have a hosepipe or are you safe from being banned? Looks like any rain we get will always be the wrong bloody sort. But despite all the panic around the nation, the River Rom has been well behaved and Romiley has experienced zero flooding.

“Is anyone on a state pension, particularly the old one, likely to get Xcited about jam not tomorrow but NEXT APRIL? Joke.” Anton Plaqet

Popular, he ain’t
Captain Crasheroonie Snoozefest Smarmer has been reduced in the ranks to lieutenant for reducing the Labour party's membership by about 100,000 and creating a £5 MILLION Brown Hole in the party's bank account.

Making cyclists pay their way is highly popular with 94% of motorists.

"Greater diversity will enrich . . . the RAF's operational effectiveness." The moron who claimed that should be dumped in landfill or washed out to sea in an overflow of sewage.
“The only recruiting criteria the RAF, and the other Armed Services, should be using are willingness to do the job and ability to do it, not being a wonk and not being an enemy agent like the current gang of bozos doing the recruitment.” Ige Nition

Q: Do we need to be told that people with not much cash will be more affected by the costa living crisis than people with lotz of dosh, or is it bleedin' obvious?
A: There are lotz of bozos around, particularly self-styled Xperts, who can do little other than rehash the bleedin' obvious.

Q: Are there grafters & grifters in the workplace?
A: They are easy to tell apart. The grafters are doing all the work and the grifters are on strike or Shirking @ Home.

Q: Is this the right time for Prince Bill & Princess Kate of Cantab to acquire a third posh dwelling?
A: If they can keep in properly maintained and looked after when the peasants who have no hope of buying it are in a costa living crisis, this can be only a Good Thing.

Constructing a virtue-flagging new street named after a 19th century rioter has descended into ribaldry. The developer got the rioter's first name wrong on the street signs.
   Cue a council with egg on its face instead of a wonk grin.

Putin the ‘broke’ into Ladbrokes again
The betting firm has been done for a fine of £17 MILLION for failing to prevent idiots from hurling vast amounts of dosh in its direction.
   "A teaspoonful of water in an ocean compared to the company's profits," the Xperts reckon.

Talk not action
More grief for Wee Burney's failing government. It's not doing anything about stalking and it seems to be setting up a cull of oldies. Care homes with unaffordable energy bills are going bump and homeless customers will end up bed-blocking in hospitals until a life shortened by the upheaval ends. A commissioner with responsibility for women's health also ain't happening.

The Insolvency Service has been unable to confect a prosecution of P&O for sacking 800 staff in March with no notice.

Calabria in Italy's toe is having to recruit doctors from Cuba who are used to corrupt & incompetent management as Italians will not work in Mafia-controlled hospitals.

Wee Burney's gang is dragging its feet over removing flammable cladding from tall buildings. No surprise there.

The Ukrainian government is creating installations featuring collections of wrecked Putinstani tanks, self-propelled guns & armoured personnel carriers in the capital, Kviv. The big problem with this, of course, is that it's making the place look like a Garbage City rival to Edinburgh, where the binmen are on strike and the streets are full of overflowing bags of discards and digustings.

The forecast for April next year is that 97% of Scots will be in fuel poverty and most small businesses in Wee Burneystan will have gone bust. This is in a country which Wee Burney reckons can go independent and not need subsidies from England.

Just time-wasters
Sheri, our roving correspondent, reports:
The Big Problem with the carbon shaming industry is that it is picking on targets which are small enough to look intimidateable rather than ones big enough to make a difference.
   Why? Because the big targets are big enough to ignore the agitators and rich enough to swat them if they become too vexatious. Which could reduce the agitators' carbon footprint to zero and be of cosmetic assistance to the on-going The Planet scam.
“This is something that goes along with the government's Energy Demand Reduction scam, which has been floating around for a decade or so but not achieving anything much.
   “Reducing the UK's energy demand by one-half by 2050 will have bugger all effective effect on the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. Thus the EDR scam is just an alibi for the failure of successive governments to provide enough energy supply to meet the needs of a growing population and an expanding industrial sector.” Xome Bischof

Women are starting to realize that being told that all of them can ‘have it all' was just a con job and for most, a pragmatic ‘having enough' is more realistic and somewhat achieveable.

The latest device of the serial attention-seeker is to announce that they have hired lotz of security guards in the wake of the Rushdie attack in the hope that everyone will think they are also under threat. Wooo!

London's cosmetic mayor is blaming the annual summer rise in violence in London on gorbal warmage rather than the failure of the local Crime Commish (him) to make the police do their job or else.

School kids are turning their back on an A-Level in Eng Lit. As a result, university academics who are teaching wonked down courses in this subject are facing unemployment. "The government is to blame," they cry. Not them.

Sacked Chancellor Snack has revealed how often he goes to McDonuts by releasing a photo of himself holding a fast-food item which hasn't been on the menu there for at least 2 years.
   Why he thinks anyone would be impressed by his pretence to be one of the common herd when he is known to be mega-rich has not been revealed.

“Does it matter if some BierBC know-nowt is made the presenter of what's left of University Challenge if all he has to do is ask the questions, not be able to answer them himself?” Can Tanqer

If you want to know how to stay safe in a thunderstorm, London's Sadgeek cosmetic mayor is eager to tell you. But if you want to stay safe from psychos with knives in the capital, forget it. He don't have a clue. He's just a waste of time, space and our money.

Q: How does one cope with the baying Twatter mob?
A: Not having anything at all to do with waste-of-time auntie-social meeja is a good start.

The Japanese government is telling its young adult customers to booze like mad ‘coz it needs the tax revenue from their binges.

GPs are stealing £850 MILLION per year with non-existent, ghost patients, according to NHS Digital, which has compared the country's population with the number of GP customer registrations.
   The BMA is fully okay with this.
The NHS is also wasting our cash on £100K/year jobs only for men pretending to be females, which is discriminatory and illegal.

Time-wasters are ringing 999 to shop neighbours—before hosepipe bans come into force and instead of telling water companies.

The nose and face thing again
What Xactly does it mean when we're told the Red Wall constituencies will punish the Tories for binning President Boris? That they'll vote for some Labour mug and punish themselves by inflicting an incompetent Kreepy labour regime on the nation? That makes sense.

Firing 800 staff and replacing them with cheaper foreigners has boosted P&O's profits to £600 MILLION for the first half of this year.

The SNP MP who went swanning around on trains between Scotland & England after she knew she was infected with the Chinese plague is Xpected to get away with it ‘coz she's an MP.

People are complaining that a number plate on a bike would be too small for witnesses to an act of assault or manslaughter to see. The obvious alternative is a transponder giving off GPS data. With a fine of £1,000 for each offence of using a bike with a run-down battery.

The UK's inflation rate is crap compared with Turkey's, which is 80%!!
“The DoomBuggers are talking up 18.6% inflation for January next year. Cheerful lot, ain't they?” Estig Maytor

Feeling cheerful? Stop right now!

The GPs' trade union is trying to prevent the naming of members who are playing the system and being paid more than £150K/year of taxpayers' cash.
[Current record £700K.Ed.]

All railway franchises could be out-sourced to the French as passengers across the Channel pay fares that are about one-half of those inflicted on UK customers.

Electric cars fail an MoT test more often than petrol cars in the category of worn tyres. They tear up their tyres faster and pollute the enviromint more with tyre debris particles. So much for their credentials as The Planet savers.

Not a healthy trend
The BierBC is becoming a one-man band, giving every job going to A Rajan, which is a Good Thing for the licence-payer.
   If he's doing all the jobs, the Beeb can shed loads of surplus hangers-on and do the nation a favour.
“With gary bloody lineker top of the list?” Caliq Fragile

No danger of the blame going where it belongs
If one-third of the people who don't pay council tax by direct debit haven't claimed the £150 rebate offered by the government, maybe the Trivials should be making an effort to find out why rather than yelling and pointing a finger at the government.
   But expecting the Trivials actually to do something useful? Not really gonna happen, is it?
The money is there and available. Our Ancients' Affairs Correspondent had a payment, plus an Xtra 15 quid from Stockport Council, at the end of June. So those who haven't had one yet are either feeling too rich to bother or just foot-dragging.
[Or their council is foot-dragging. Ed.]

“If the outrage confecters go crazy about the Finnish PM enjoying herself and not breaking any rulz, can we hope the confecters will Xplode messily if she gets a parking ticket?” Arnie Gallow

Sometime presidential hopeful The Govester has made himself Cabinet unemployable by backing sacked Chancellor Snack as the next Tory leader, even though Snack has no chance, according to every poll.

The buy now, pay later firms, which are building a massive debt mountain, claim they are promoting responsible spending.
   In the same way that gambling firms which are fined MILLIONs for dunting punters wheel out Cockney spivs to claim they encourage people to gamble responsibly.

Q: Can the BierBC be saved from its biases against the Tories & Brexit?
A: Only by dropping nukes on it. Maybe Putin the Poisoner will oblige.

Wee Sterny Burgeon is rattling her begging bowl again. How could Scotland ever hope to become independent with the likes of her in charge?

There are 326 diversity officers in the civil service. Trussty Lizzie's first job as PM has to be diverting them to doing something useful to the taxpayer.
“If only driving vanloads of unwanted Albanian migrants back there.” Al Ligater

No record, no crime
Q: How do water firms get away with reckless sewage discharges?
A:The dozy ones don't fit gadgets that detect discharges of sewage-contaminated water. The cunning ones fit gadgets that work only 10% of the time.

“That gas price chart you had yesterday makes the 400 quid on offer from the government look cosmetic. Way too small. A sticking plaster offered for a leg that's been wrenched off by an alien monster.” Schi Fiver

Drought is driving badger cullers into unemployment because their business opportunities are being driven into Xtinction as rock-solid ground leaves them unable to dig up earthworms to eat and dig burrows to lurk in.

Voting age customers who either vote Tory or don't bother, surveys have found, are now inclined not to bother because they weren't consulted about Binning Boris.

TNF: The Stampeders (0) in Winnipeg (2 wins up)
The Blue Bombers zoomed to a TD for McCrae. A 101-yard CS drive in reply for 7-all. DPI got the BB to the CS 15, TD for Demski after 11 minutes, 7-14. A punt got the Stamps a rouge.
   The Stamps failed to recover a BB fumble in Q2 and the home team went on to a long FG and 8-17. A long FG for the Stamps, 11-17. They went ahead with a TD in the 14th minute, 18-17 and Collards was picked in the CS goal to close the half.
   The BB went ahead with a TD in Q3. The Stamps crunched a side judge on the way to the BB goal but he was still able to put his hands up to indicate a TD and 25-24 after 10 minutes. Collards was picked again in the CS goal.
   The CS kicked a FG in Q4, 28-24. Charge! from the CS 2, 28-31 at half-way. A single from a punt left the Stamps able to win with a FG. With 2:16 left, the BB were nearly swindled out of a 1st down but the Command Centre was watching and the Bombers were able to eat clock and gain enough ground to win 29-31. They are now 3-0 vs the Stampeders.

It's no surprise that tony b. liar has been outed as knowing that the Post Office's Horizon accounting system wouldn't work but he let it go ahead anyway and he has now had at least 4 deaths and hundreds of ruined lives added to his blood-spattered reputation.

Q: Do we really need Channel 4 to rehash Princess Di's fatal car crash in Paris a quarter of a century after the event?.
A: As no one we know ever watches Channel 4, we don't give a rat's.

After the binmen went on strike in Edinburgh, the must-have snack of the moment became a deep-fried ratburger.

The Harridan Seven goalpost shifters of the Commons privileges committee, who are wasting tons of taxpayer paid for time on confecting crimes against humanity in order to dump on President Boris, have been declared The National Waste of Space of 2022.

Recyling to the limit
The Ukrainians have come up with an interesting variation on those giant puppets that stroll from city to city and country to country in aid of some cause or other.
   Their collection of abandoned but still working Putinstani tanks will be doing a tour of Europe, going as far as Spain & Portugal, to raise awareness of how awful Putin the Poisoner is and remind everyone that he wants to extend Putinstan across Europe to the Atlantic..

The wheels are coming off the RAF attempt to block recruitment of white men as those officers who thought it was illegal and refused to go along with it identify themselves and leave the architects of this wonk nonsense exposed.

The daughter of Putrid's personal Rasputin has been killed by a car bomb aimed at her father.
   Or was it? Possible slushtag ^SpoiltBrat?

The way ahead?
Doctors will be instructed to tell their customers to go walking or ride a bike to improve their general fitness and reduce the risk of a heart attack.
   This is Xpected to lead to a demand from the waxworks running the NHS for even more taxpayer's cash so that walking boots, thick sox, bikes and all the protective gear that goes with them can be put on prescription.

Baksheesh!
Sirk Rreepy Smarmer, with a £5 MILLION Brown Hole in his party's accounts, hasn't been seen much since he crawled back from holiday. Why? ‘Coz he's been sneaking round his list of trade union bosses doing grovelling apologies for banning his MPs from picket lines. And rattling his begging bowl.

Sticking in the proverbial manner
The boss of the NSA* in the Untied States @ the time President O'Bummer is accused of getting GCHQ** in the UK to bug incoming President Trump is lining up with the then director of GCHQ to claim nothing happened. But they would, wouldn't they?
[*No Such Agency, **Grand Conspiracy HeadQuarters. Ed.]

Nothing important to deflect them?
The Welsh government (Labour) is doing its best to create a generation of kids who won't know which sex they are supposed to be via a propaganda campaign that starts in nursery schools. But only if the High Court will let it as there is considerable opposition among the parents of the kids on whom this wonkosity will be inflicted.

Q: Are we fed up with the Tory Hustlings?
A: Extremely very.

FNF 1: The Tigernauts vs the ArgoCats
The Argos started 2 & out. Evans QB'd the Cats to a FG in the 7th minute. A B-T bomb pass was picked by the Cats but a pick the other way set up a FG for the Argos and 3-all going into Q2.
   The Argos did nothing after forcing Evans to fumble to them. Lots of defence. Shiltz took over as QB for the Cats, TD pass to Durant, 10-3 after 9 minutes. The Cats kicked another FG in the 14th minute, 13-3. Zoom by the Argos, DPI in goal was cancelled by a challenge but they got a TD anyway, 13-10. Small closed the half with a 58-yard FG for the Cats, 16-10.
   The Argos kicked a 56-yarder in Q3, the Cats replied with a more modest FG, 19-13. Shiltz was dinged. Daniels took a TD pass in the 11th minute, 19-20. A ball thrown away by Evans was picked by the Argos, TD from it, 18-27.
   A pick-6 by Peters 2 minutes in to Q4 put the Argos 19-34 ahead. They were sacked to a FG for 19-37. The Cats didn't go for a 3rd & 10 in the 13th minute and got just a rouge from a FG try badly missed. 20-37. The Cats got to & goal in the last minute but they were stopped.
   Another second-half TiCat collapse.

Boffins in Israel using a 3D printer have created flat wooden sheets, which spring into a predetermined shape if made wet then allowed to dry out.
   The invention is being billed as the future of flat pack furniture that self-assembles with no need for an unfortunate human to struggle with incomprehensible instructions.
“Maybe this could be the answer to the civil service crisis. Grind up the useless members of the Whitehall Blob, print them as someone with useful skills, leave them out in the rain to get soggy then put them in a drying room before putting them to work.” Bash Mayhem

A statistician @ Nottingham Trent U. has come up with a formula which predicts the Xact point in a car journey when a bratty kid will start yelling. Any which erupt before or after their prediction are Xceptional Xceptions.

The Electoral Commish has been booted up the bum for ignoring voter fraud if it is done by ethnic minorities or lefties & other anti-Tory interests.

Professional-Grade Humbrage!
Off-the-shelf or designed to delight
It's here, it's affordable and it will last.
Romiley Upgrades, 42d Riverside Drive

FNF 2: The Susquatches in BC Place
Rourke dinged, O'Connor got his first start for the Lions, threw the ball to Burnham then Whitehead, FG, 0-3. Endless punting with sacks into Q2. BC kicked another FG in the 4th minute, 0-6. One back for the RoughRiders, 3-6. Their next drive featured a TD pass from their 25, Fajardo to Baker, 10-6 after 11 minutes. An exchange of FGs made the score 13-9 at half time.
   O'Connor was dinged in Q3 and replaced by Pipkin. The Riders kicked a FG in the 9th minute and made a 26-yard TD play in the last minute, 23-9. BC got going in Q4, Pipkin to Scarfone with 6 minutes to go, 23-16. Punt, punt, SK ate the rest of the clock. They don't often win in the Lions' den.

What, we wonder, are the police in Liverpool doing about the murderous drug gangs in the city apart from nowhere near enuff?

Bets are now being laid on when there will be more Albanians parked in the UK and parasiting off the taxpayer than there are where they belong.
“The Overseas Aid Budget should be used to send Albanian migrants back home and if the usual suspect TaxPayers' Money-recipients moan, they should be told vigorously to take it up with the Albanian government.” F. Ixture
“And sent to Albania with the illegals to give them the opportunity to do so. After their passport has been cancelled, of course, so they can't get back here. Unless they know a people smuggler. Which they probably do.” Dek Stross
[Nowt like a good rant! Ed.]

Questions are being asked about why the Essex police had to waste 7 weeks looking for a student nurse, who swanned off without telling anyone where she was going and was found safe & well.
   The taxpayer would really like to hear O. Davies' Xcuse.

Pretty much what you’d Xpect from a zero with the rim rubbed off
In case anyone is still interested, the ‘fire in Archie's room' that Mhegan the Merciless was moaning about was just a faulty heater in Sarf Efrica giving off a bit of smoke.
   No fire brigade, no dramatic dash to a hospital and intensive care, no real drama at all.

“A forecast of a dry bank holiday on Monday? What's the catch?” Yumo Wrist

WEEK 5    Putin the ‘ding’ into persuading

 
Where's yer bloody sunny weather, bank holiday forecasters?

A really BIG ask
How kind of the Yanks to launch their test of the new NASA launch vehicle on our Bank Holiday Monday. The aim is to put an unoccupied capsule in a lunar parking orbit for a couple of weeks then splash it down in the Pacific in mid-October.
   After a gap of 50 years, NASA is having to prove again that it can get people to the Moon and bring them back without any space shuttle-style tragedies.
“In fact, the ‘unoccupied' capsule will contain 3 dummies, each with a cute name and outfitted with monitoring equipment to test the comfort of the furniture. All of the crash-test variety rather than ‘uman ones, of course.” H.T.S.
“Customers are now braced for a huge delivery of BS about how only Planet Friendly fuel & components are being used in the new space travel system.” N. Blocation
“What is all this crap about we're going back to the Moon? Only the Yanks ever went there 50 years ago and only they can go back.” Nox Ius

Q: VSVN?
A: Vertical Space Vehicles Norwich. It's a firm that makes strap-on boosters for the launch vehicles used in the Untied States. The firm understands how cold weather affects the joints between the individual components of a booster stack and a repeat of the Challenger launch disaster is not expected.

Q: What happens if the government freezes energy bills for 2 years and world prices go down but our bills stay frozen?
A: Everyone who can will migrate to Albania, where there will be lotz of room.

Get Carbon-Rated!
Certification for anything you want to do
No matter how exotic or outrageous
*** Off-World Options available for space tourists ***
Your imagination is the sole limiting factor!
Romiley Services, 19c Riverside Drive

SNF: The RedBlacks in swirly, windy Edmonton
Defences in charge until Lawler caught the pass of the year and set up a FG for the Antlers. 2 big passes by ex-Ant Arbuckle got the RBs to the EA 1 and he want in for a TD, the PAT missed, 6-3.
   The RBs did a Charge! for a TD in Q2, 13-3. A trick play got the RBs close, Behar fumbled instead of scoring and Evans came on for a QB TD, 20-3. A 50 yard pass to Lawler got the Ants to FG range at the end of the half but the kick was blocked.
   After some punting in Q3, off-setting penalties cancelled a TD for the Ants but Cornelius went in for one, 20-10. The Ants had to give up a safety in the 13th minute, 22-10. The RBs kicked a FG in Q4, 25-10.
   A 21-yard dash by Lockley on a 3rd & 2 got the Ants to the RB 1, TD but no +2, DPI gave them another shot, Cornelius in, 25-18. And that's as close as they got.

The police can’t stop every crime in the universe?
Well, obviously not if they're skate-boarding, dancing @ cute ethnic festivals, taking drinks to scumbags who've stuck themself to the road and they're busy confecting all sorts of non-crime imaginary hate incidents.
   But maybe the buggers would manage to do something if they started doing the job they're paid to do.
   And maybe our current kick-arse Chief Constable of Greater Manchester should be doing it more vigorously and more often to the arses of his troops until they get the message. And taking side trips to Liverpool to do some much needed arse-booting there.

Labour's apologists might claim that the party is honest about wanting to open our borders to the scum of the Earth, as corrupt new labour did, but how helpful is that to the people who have to pay for it?

How nice of Weather Control to save up Bonk Holiday Monday's sunshine for today.

Only another week of Tory joustings to ignore before Mr. Snack retires to his mansion to spend more time with his billions and Trussty Lizzie finds out that being prime monster can be a lot of a pain a lot of the time.
“If Trussty Lizzie doesn't know if Pres. MacRon of France is friend or foe, let me help. He is the latter. Never has been a friend of Britain, never will be.” N.O. Kinshop

Wimmin just can't win. If they're bulky, they're fat-shamed. If they have muscles, they can be fit-shamed. Which still leaves e, o and u available for further shaming opportunities.

The Russian National Republican Army, which sounds like it has the IRA as a model, is peeved that the Ukrainians are getting the credit for the NRA's successful operation to knock off the daughter of Putin's Rasputin.
   The NRA was hoping to get across the message that no one is safe from them. Looks like they're going to have to try a lot harder.

The waxworks running the school exam system here want special categories for kids who aren't male or female. Presumably, so that they can be granted special privileges for being abnormal. Natch, the usual Algae Boutique suspects are hoping to make TPM out of contributing to the scam.

Twatter has more security holes than a second-hand dark board, sez a former head of it. And a culture of hide rather than fix. There's a confidence builder for its users! [Both of them. Ed.]

Teenagers lying in bed all day is now a Good Thing as they are not snacking and not getting o'bese.
O'besity in teens is now being blamed on too much time wasted messing about with phones and tablets and insufficient sleep.

70% of Britain's public houses, taverns and inns will close over the winter thanks to the energy crisis and everyone @ Alcoholics Unanimous will be out of a job.

Supermarket packs containing less than the weight of contents shown on the label are stealing £8 MILLION/year from mug punters.

Today's phrase: Reality Check
Translation: How much can the gambling firm grab off a mug and get away with it.

“We don't seem to be hearing anything from Angular Robot, Labour's alleged deputy leader, at the moment. Is she on holiday or has Sirk Reepy turned her gas doon tae a peep?” Northo Raborda

“The Bishop of Liverpool seems to be more worried about outsiders thinking the city is divided than about children being shot by drug gangs. How very detached of him.” Four Kout
“Divided into what? Ordinary people and scumbags with guns & their apologists?” Den Bones

Destination China?
“Oh, dear. Sacked Chancellor Snack's attacks on Trussty Lizzie are being seen as childishly petulant, and he's way, way behind in the polls of people who have a vote. Time to stop digging; except that's something politicians seem to be incapable of doing.” Plu Rality

NASA has a sonification project, which is claiming that a black hole in the Pegasus galaxy is creating ripples in hot gas around it which, if one had an ear big enough and close enough, would sound a lot like whale song.
“Is that why they didn't get their Moon rocket off the ground yesterday? Too much attention directed at exotica rather than practica?” Alf Resquo

Familiar Story
The DoomBuggers are at it again—talking up a possible eruption of a volcano 8,000 miles away in the Pacific Ocean wrecking everything here. News flash, guys! Everything is already in ruins and we're not impressed.
   Oh, yes; these characters have their hands out for a big wodge of dosh, of course, for further research.

“Why would a migration crisis be bad for Tory election prospects? It's not as if anyone expects a Labour regime wouldn't make things infinitely worse.” Joe Obverse
“Albanians don't have a ‘uman bluddy right to be here and anyone who claims they do, and confects bogus modern slavery stories, should be made solely liable for supporting them.” Miker O'meter

Q: Is it true that the fire in the bedroom of Archie Merciless, son of Mhegan, resulted in 50% of Sarf Efrica being converted into smoking ashes?
A: Some estimates go as high as 83%.
“Being the scriptrotter for Mhegan the Merciless must be the world's biggest doddle. You can come up with any old tripe and all the usual suspects will go crazy over it and massage the Merciless Ego to the Max!” O. Chen

Q: This Rushdie Fat-Wah—is it something to do with the o'besity crisis?
A: Groan.

Q: Why have Thames Water imposed a hosepipe ban in the Oxford area?
A: Because the company can't be bothered to fix a MASSIVE leak, which has flooded underpasses beneath the city's ring road. But enterprising customers are free to pump water out of the TW lake to use on their garden or for agricultural purposes.

If Xmas ends up sabotaged this year, the Unite bosses who have container ports on strike will be blamed.
   Will there be enough lamp posts? Let us hope so.

Legsbians are finding themselves running into a stone wall when they try to join in with an event run under the Pried banner.
   All their places are being allocated to blokes who want to pretend that they are women under the terms of a rewrite of the rules for tiny but vocal minorities.
   What can we deduce from this? There will always be a smaller & louder minority lurking in the bushes.

The incoming president of Edinburgh's Royal College of Surgeons has calculated that getting NHS waiting lists back to pre-Chinese plague levels will take a decade and politicians need to stop pretending otherwise. And the customers need to brace themselves and get on with things as best they can.

Sense now much less common
If the Chancellor says we should all look at our energy consumption, that means those who can should try to use less. Those who can't, e.g. for family medical reasons, should just accept this instead of yelling & screaming & claiming they're being got at. But this ain't gonna happen with the meeja trawling the universe for yellers & screamers.

“It's all very well for the Scottish government to yell that it has a colder country than England, but as it gets an Xtra 2 grand per head per year from English taxpayers, it already has its subsidy.” Mon Teedon

Japan is thinking again about nuclear energy a decade after a tsunami wiped out its site at Fukushima. Let us hope that any new reactors are built in more sensible places.

We’re all doomed!
Is it worth surviving the Chinese plague, the energy crisis, the costa living crisis and the Eastern Powers' attempts to take over the world? Not really. A virobiologist is yelling that the bad guys are brewing up new genetic monsterings which will clear The Planet of all life in short order when they escape containment.

Departures
M. Gorb O'Choff the Reformer and Final Soviet Dictator (91), who tried to make the Soviet bloc look less gangsterish when it all dropped apart at the end of the 1980s, but who spent his last two decades watching Putin the Poisoner, wearing various hats, make the gangsterism even worser.

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true. BFN is recognized as a premiere class observational blog and a multiple winner of the OB of the Year award.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

page top

Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, August MM22 like anyone cares.