WEEK 1    Putin a really lethal ‘germ’ into egermency

 

The thing about the people yelling about fuel poverty is that they have set the threshold randomly low just to make it look like lotz of people are in it and, as a result, make it all about the yellers.
Wonky fruit & veg brands are proliferating as supermarkets offer a range of crops stunted by drought but still perfectly edible @ reasonable prices.
Liverpool's police getting nowhere with catching the killer of a 9-year-old girl a week ago? Round up 170 usual suspects as a distraction.
Is the on-going total collapse of the NHS being engineered by the Tories as a prelude to nationalization? There are no signs of organization in the collapse, only chaos—which is the hallmark of the Labour party and the trade unions.
Trussty Lizzie has managed to outrage the BierBC's self-appointed Labour Party Correspondent, N. Robinson, by cancelling an interview with him as a waste of her time.
Manufacturers of nitrous oxide are struggling to replace stocks after massive amounts of ‘hippy crack' were scoffed @ the Knotting Hill Carnival last weekend.

Today's Question:
Is it rational to talk about an energy price ‘cap' when it can be raised at will?

Q: ADHD?
A: Anti-Disestablismentarian Hair Disorder—a fear of going bald overnight if you fail to be diverse & wonk & politically correct.

Wee Sterny Burgeon claims she doesn't want to be the kind of politician who clings to office. Which has to be as clear an admission that you could hope for that she plans to wreck & then run with her loot when the voters dump her.

How to weasel with words
You can get away with anything if you describe what's on offer as ‘responsibly sourced' as there is no legal definition of the term and therefore the description can mean anything a spiv wants.

Q: Why did so many people rush across the Channel in small boats last month?
A: The weather was favourable, Albanian bad guys are offering cut-price deals and it is well known that the French shore patrols all go on holiday in August.
“What we need is more photographers on French beaches if the shore patrols sabotage the dinghies that bogus asylum seekers are planning to use only when they're being filmed and able to feel appreciated.” Animal Lekter

Could it be that the people who are trying to turn imaginary micro-aggressions into a macro problem are just vexatious nit-pickers with no useful contribution to make?

Q: What do you get if Kreepy Labour comes up with a ‘fully funded' plan for a 6-month energy bill freeze?
A: A Brown Hole £18,000,000,000 deep.

Our Partiality Correspondent,
Siltiam the Sselicrem, declares:
What's wrong with the BierBC is that it is under the thumb of the Tories, it caused Brexit with its policy of both sidesism, which acknowledges that there are people who don't agree with the great & the good (like me, incidentally) and tribal idiot economists, who keep getting their forecasts of doom painfully wrong, are allowed unlimited access to BierBC programmes without the scrutiny of an informed person (such as myself).
   No Platform is the only safe platform.

Archie Conflagration Latest!!!
He wasn't even in the bedroom when the heater did, or didn't, emit a minute amount of smoke, which makes Mhegan the Merciless' wobbly just a skiver throwing one when done out of a chance to do some slacking.

Diversity isn't a way of making society uniform and equalizing assets. It just creates gangs of grabbers who are different from the traditional ones. As a result, the majority of white achievers is sidelined and minorities, each tugging in its own self-interest direction, wreck everything and everyone.

We are indebted to Mr. E. Hardcastle of the Daily Disaster for revealing that the twin passions of the late playwright H. Pinter were cricket and bridge colliding. Sadly, Mr. Hardcastle neglected to expand on the latter topic to let us know if the colliding involved just Mr. Pinter and a bridge, or whether vehicles and/or boats were used.

Mhegan the Merciless has been awarded The Worst Whinge of the Century Award for her latest fictionfest concoction.
Who do we want as our next prime monster if the choice is broadened? Emma Radical-Canoe in a posh frock has a strong following.
40% of NHS customers still believe that they can receive quick treatment if it is needed.
Around one-third still believe that GP services are still readily accessible.
The Algae Boutique is going to have to change its name as legsbians feel they are no longer included, having been ousted by transisters.
We in Romiley are eager to say "YES!!!" to frakking if we get 25% off our energy bills.

Slow news day?
Prince Hairy played polo last week and the DoomBuggers have been yelling about the 6 tons of carbon dioxide his jaunt added to the Earth's atmosphere. Is this worthy of notice, given that there are already 3,307,200,000,000 tons of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, that he has done nothing more dangerous than raise that total to 3,307,200,000,006 tons?
   Only to a total idiot.

“We got the usual ‘meteorological autumn' bollux from the BierBC's weather forecaster yesterday. No one impressed.” Karan Dash

Just doing his job, folks
President Boris has been accused of razzing up President MacRon by claiming that France is our best mate after Trussty Lizzie didn't think so. Were his fingers crossed at the time? Of course, they were!

Sherie, our Meeja Affairs Correspondent, sez:
Whether or not we go carbon neutral in 2050 or whenever is irrelevant. Our 1% of total global emissions is nothing much. It is the emissions from China, India, the Untied States and the other majors that count.
   The Boris Green Bollocks might look decorative on a Xmas tree, but that's all they are. Political trimmings of zero real world significance.

An ishue that really caught our lot’s imagination!
“Is that actually colliding with a bridge or is it more like side-swiping, which seems more surviveable.” Conque Pow
[As the hobby didn't kill Mr. Pinter, he doesn't seem to have taken it to Xtremes. Ed.]
“The Pinter bridge crashing probably didn't involve planes, as this would have been rather unsurviveably kamikaze. But maybe doing it at modest speed using an unpowered hang glider might provide the necessary thrill.” Engal Cross
“Doing it by parachute would involve a great deal of skill and practice. And also an almost non-windy day for the collision.” Indigo Tussil
“I imagine going for something as big as the Forth Bridge with a hang glider would be considered too much of an unskilled ‘fish in a basket' situation.” N. Dorse

Will Trussty Lizzie do the decent thing and bin the shameful Harridan Seven, the Commons committee with a 'Get Boris by any means, especially crooked' agenda?
   Doing it, or not, will define her premiership.
Captain Underpants, who was shamed into stepping down as honcho of the committee, reckons the members are going to keep their noses in this particular trough until well into the new year by wasting hundreds of hours on scanning hundreds of irrelevant documents cooked up following the Partygate confection.

Never Kissed A Tory? With a mug like that, no surprise!
“Spotted it. That's The Joker's sister, right?” Playan Biltong
The T-shirt is being seen as an attempt to distract attention from the Labour party's total lack of realistic ideas for tackling the costa living crisis.

Zero Credibility, Zero Notbovveredness?
There's absolutely totally unbelieveable and there's sacked Chancellor Snack claiming he fought tooth & nail against lock-in when the Chinese plague was at its worst whilst throwing £400 BILLION of our money around and making no attempt to impoverish the fraudsters who copped for a HUGE slice of it.
“You have to wonder why the bloke Boris sacked as Chancellor is still doing his whinges in the direction of Liz Truss when all the polls keep saying he has no chance of becoming the next Tory leader.
   “Is the fix in, does he know about it, and is he dead sure he's going to leap before the nation in his Batman cape as our new figurehead? Could happen in Russia, but here?” C.M.X.

Today's Question:
Will 25% of the people of Britain not turn their heating on this winter, or are they just trying to blackmail more cash out of people who live within their means?

FNF: The RedBlacks in Montreal
The AlCapones were sacked to a punt. Arbuckle rushed to FG range and that was what the visitors got. One back by the Als after 13 minutes, 3-all. The Als' running game got going in Q2; 5 plays, a TD pass to Lewis, 3-10. Harris fumbled when sacked and a scoop ‘n' score by the RB defence got them to 10-all after 8 minutes. A pick by the RBs gave them a single from a punt, 11-10. Acklin raced to the MA 27, on to a TD for D. Adams, 18-10.
   A tipped pass went to the RBs in Q3 and they got a FG from it, 21-10. A succession of FGs got the sides to 24-16, and an RB punt in Q4 gave them a rouge. 25-16. A forced fumble went to the RBs and gave them a FG, 28-16. A punt after a sack gave the Als a rouge. The RBs did a charge from the MA 2 for a TD inside the last 3 minutes, 35-17, game over. A quick drive gave Wieneke a TD, the on-side kick try went to the RBs, FG, 38-24 final.

“You have to wonder about what goes on in the heads of people who keep reading about the lives of the rich & frivolous, and then complain the Xcesses to which they are Xposed do their head in and are wrecking their mental ‘elf. Why don't the twits find something else less destructive to waste their time on?” Alvin Kettel
[When people have got a good whinge, they tend to stick with it. Ed.]

It has leaked out that Britain's secret police, and a few visible ones, have been ordered to treat reporters as Xtremists, who are as dangerous as Xploding Islamists due to their habit of Xposing police corruption and uselessness. Thus requests for assistance; witnesses, video, etc.; are not being made in the nation's press and criminals are being allowed to get away with it.

The Venerable J. Rees-Mogg, Minister for Tackling the Shirk @ Home Culture, is to reduced BIG government by presiding over the sell-off of empty Whitehall offices worth £1.5 BILLION.

“Just what we need—an imaginary package to help families facing ruinous bills for gas & electricity.” Sem O'lina
[I was going to suggest you misread ‘imaginative' but it will probably come to the same thing in the end. Ed.]

Terminal Decline
The statuary industry is currently in tatters with no hope on the horizon. Xisting statues which have not yet been torn down are being allowed to fall into disrepair by trustees fearful of slavery taints and woke monsters.
   Worse, no new projects are going ahead as the woke monsters can always be relied on to come up with a dozen spurious reasons why the person to be celebrated shouldn't be.

Trade union leaders are keen to initiate a year-round strike culture with everyone getting a turn to screw the Britisch public as some sort of perverted ‘uman bluddy right.

ArchieFit Trainers now in stock
The ultimate in foot comfort
Be Well on the move or sitting still
Romiley Bootage, 42c Riverside Drive

Unco-operative Nature at it again
Oh, dear. All the brown bits of the countryside are going green again after getting some rain and the catastrophists are going to have to dream up some new scam to carry forward their DoomBugger agenda and keep the cash flowing into their bottomless pockets.

A matter of questionable importance
Does anyone give a rat's arse where the dead ashes of the dead Yorkshire Ripper were tossed into the sea? Or about the identity of the depraved gaol visitor who did the deed?

“God must really have it in for white male achievers if it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get in to her heaven. Which wouldn't Xactly be a fun place anyway.” Dosvi Peruka

The tony b. liar Institute for Global Disaster wants to scrap school & other exams because they over-emphasize knowledge. Translation: informed people see through tony b.'s lies too quickly.

Mhegan the Merciless is claiming that her marriage to Prince Hairy was a global celebration at the level of the release from prison of the Sarf Efrican terrorist N. Mandela. Go figure.
   Next Week, the Merciless One is Xpected to claim that she is now more reviled than Putrid the Poisoner for being right about everything all the time.
Mhegan's claim that her wedding caused rejoicing in the streets of Sarf Efrica has been trashed. There was no Mandela buzz. She made it up.

Wee Burney's official hoose in Edinburgh wasn't affected by the fortnight-long strike of binpersons as she is serviced by a private company, which is paid for by English taxpayers.

43% of Americans are Xpecting to become involved in a third civil war before the decade is out. There is just no stopping the combative buggers with all them guns.

Drink at least 2 cups of tea per day and you will live forever—that's the latest claim from Xperts in the Untied States.

Q: How do you bring Britain's £3 BILLION antiaircraft carrier to a humiliating, shuddering stop on the way to a naval Xercise with allies?
A: Arrange for no bugger to remember to turn on the lubrication system for the propellor shafts so that they seized up.

“How are local councils going to provide warm spaces for people who don't want to heat their homes if they have been doing their level best to CLOSE every library & museum they can?
   “Sounds like we're back to the sticking plaster for a leg bitten off by a shark scenario.” R. Bitrage

Owning a posh foreign car is now a criminal offence in Putinstan.

“We are told that it is time to give tennis player turned fashionista E. Radical Canoe a break. But we are not told if an arm or a leg is contemplated. Bloody typical.” Syem Nadsat

The university rate—the proportion of the population going there—has started to fall as customers realize that a lot of the degree courses on offer are not worth the asking price and the tony b. liar ambition to get a 50% rate was political BS of the worst sort.

If the government wants to target Winter Aid, how about a double Winter Fuel Allowance for pensioners with an income below the tax threshold? Rich people wouldn't get it, which would deprive the usual suspects of a whinge, and the information is readily available. All that stands in the way of doing it has to be the endemic 'can't do' attitude of the civil service.

You set ’em up . . .
Off from everything?
Sounds about right for Duchess Difficult
“Or off at the knees for being a diva? Cue the Slushtag ^VockmomnMhegan” E. Mir-Rate

The Boy Beckham has really upset a lot of the usual suspects with his claim that Qatar is the best country in the world. And bagged a lot of free publicity, of course.
   His message is that Qatar is sheer perfection and a great place to hold a World Cup final, especially if you're a filthy rich ex-footballer who's being paid ten million quid to plug the event & its hosts.

Don’t let the facts get in the way
Self-appointed Xperts are whingeing about the amount of carbon dioxide that will go into the atmosphere if NASA ever gets its new rocket off the ground. That's one that uses hydrogen and oxygen to power its engines, and creates loads & loads of . . . steam.

 
Q: Do sharks pose a major threat to undersea cables?
A: No, the cables are fitted with multiple weapon turrets, which zap any creature that sets off the proximity alarm.

Q: Is an election over 12 months in the future entitled to be called a ‘snap' one now?
A: Not on this side of sanity.

Retailers selling petrol @ £1.60 per litre or even less can make a profit. Anyone still selling it for more, e.g. supermarkets and major petrol station operators, is profiteering. Not that owt will be done about it.
Esso petrol in Romiley 166.9p/litre
Esso diesel in Romiley 183.9p/litre

The Harridan Seven kangaroo court's assault on President Boris would be ruled illegal, if challenged in a court thanks to Harperson's shenannygoats & rule-bending, an official Legal Lord had concluded.
“Just ill-will from an irrelevant political rump.” Pyet Nadsatch
“Destination the deepest, grottiest dungeon in the Tower of London instead of a subsidized bar in Westmonster for the Harridan 7?” Limo Pokradniy

Q: How come it has taken a legal eagle so long to notice that the partygate kangaroo court is outside the law and common justice?
A: 1. Lawyers are paid by the hour. 2. Maybe he was on holiday.
Legal Eagle, definition: Someone who attempts to bend the law in the favour of whomever is paying the bill, a bamboozler.

LBC radio in London has a cute ploy for sticking it to Tory ministers. It calls them up using a dodgy broadband connection, and when the line is dropped at their end, they give the government minister's broadband a trashing.

“We keep being told that Boris is going to stage a comeback when Trussty Lizzie flops. But why would he do anything else now than make lots of dosh and pick the company he keeps? The idea that he'd want to go back to the appalling shower in the rats' nest @ Westmonster is ludicrous.” Dvad Satch

All a matter of spin & perspective
According to the police version, the 8 people who were stabbed :@ the Knotting Hill Carnival, one fatally, were knifed in a largely good-natured way. Same for the 74 injured coppers, some of whom had arms or legs broken by the good-natured carnival crowd.

Against the grain
It has been pointed out that the Mandelsleaze doesn't donate any of his millions to Kreepy Labour to help break its cash dependency on vindictive trade unions. Which misses entirely, the point of the Mandelsleaze career. Cash is for going into his pockets, not flowing out into someone else's.

Against reason!
Jonah Burnham, Greater Manchester's cosmetic mayor (Stafford Hospital neglect deaths, banks bust, GM police in administration & Chief Con. sacked) is eager to stand on a picket line. Shame the union he's patronizing would go bust? Not a shame if they know his reputation for disaster and still cultivate him.
“If he replaces Sirk Reepy Smarmer as the party boss, it will be a race to see which he wrecks first, the country or the Labour party.” Ban Kollidy

We're in a costa living crisis, what do we do to deflect attention away from it? Quick, launch a tirade against all the surplus inner plastic bags and hangers that clothing firms unload on their customers.

Everyone who messes about with a pocket phone is going to die prematurely. Their blue light, as well as disrupting body clocks, speeds up ageing of body cells, especially brain cells, Xperts in Oregon have found.
   Phone users who want to survive to find out what The Universe has in store for us in the way of disasters through the rest of the century are advised to switch to warm, fuzzy orange light instead of evil blue.

Exit Boris, stage left, pursued by dinosaurs and a screeching Harperson.
“Well, who'da thunk it! Bizzie Lizzie is the Prime Monster! Didn't see that one coming.” Fractious Emmet
“With an enormous sigh of relief, P. Patel sheds the chore of being an unappreciated Home Sec. surrounded by useless staff, grateful for the Xcuse of a change of management.” Yufu Koff
“It will take a really Braverperson to pick up that poisoned chalice.” King Phin

The DoomBuggers are already talking up an inflation rate of 22% for next year and they are hoping to be able to confect a rate even higher than the massive 24.5% which Harold bloody Wilson inflicted on an unfortunate nation back in August of 1975.

The Blue Bombers in Regina for a Labour Day Classic
The RoughRiders dashed to scoring range, Fajardo went in for a TD, 0-8 with a point from the kick off. Collards was mugged & lost the ball with the BB in scoring range. The RR were sacked to a FG, 0-11.
   Another FG in Q2 put the Riders 0-14 up after 2 minutes. A huge pass went to Demski for a TD, 7-14. A big RR gain from a broken play set up a FG and 7-17. A great end zone catch gave Schoen a TD, 14-17, and the Bombers finished the half at 17-all with a FG.
   Q3 was all defence with the RR coach wasting a time out on a daft challenge. Indiscipline cost the RR a FG chance in Q4. They went ahead with a rouge from a punt after 8 minutes. The Bombers took a 20-18 lead with a FG & 3 minutes left. And held on to it.

Q: Is it a Bad Thing that Dockson of Dick Green was pushed out of her job as honcho of the P'lice of the Metrolopis for being useless by London's cosmetic mayor?
A: Even someone as useless as the Sadgeek can get it right occasionally.

Xmas will be candle-lit this year as no one will dare switch on lights for fear of being ostracized for wasting the nation's energy supply frivolously.

Business as usual
9-year-old child murdered by drug criminals in Liverpool.
170 usual suspects busted.
Out on bail an hour or two later for business as usual?

“Dear Editor, Don't you think it's time to make a distinction between what people are paid and what they earn? Especially as applied to bosses of failing industries, such as railway companies, and leaders of strike-happy trade unions.
   “If these enormous salaries are paid to attract the best talent, and the company/union is still a mess, the philosophy clearly doesn't work. Or the people applying it are useless.” Shed Mygaster
“Asleep's train drivers aren't Xpected to work just as hard for 10% less pay, as the union boss pretends. They are Xpected to work for a sum appropriate for the amount and quality of the work they do.” Furz Ackerley
“About time that was applied to gary bloody lineker.” Dev Radget

It’s probably an effect of gorbal warmage
A bloke who joined the Royal Navy's Submarine Service refused to join the crew of a nuclear-armed submarine for religious reasons and was given a shore posting. He is now sueing the MoD for not letting him do something he didn't want to do. The legal trade has one hell of a lot to answer for.

So’s this
Why is the BierBC's reputation in tatters? Because if it makes a blunder and/or shows its endemic partiality to the looney left, the first reaction of the bosses is to deny all wrong-doing and attempt to smear whomever dared to notice that something was amiss.
   As a result, when the BierBC gets in a fluster, everyone knows that someone has screwed up and the cover-up is in full swing and nothing the BierBC says about the matter can be trusted.

Goes around
Putin the Poisoner wasn't invited to the funeral of ex-Soviet leader M. Gorb O'Choff. There are limits, one of the undertakers observed.
   Petulant jealousy over his lack of a Nobel Prize for the Poisoner to match the one awarded to Mr. O'Choff, and the likelihood that Putrid would try to make the funeral all about him, are believed to be among the reasons for the Xclusion.

Q: What is the skiver's latest authorized Xcuse?
A: "I'm taking a 10-minute microbreak to recharge my batteries and restore my mental ‘elf."
Q: How do you spot an accomplished skiver?
A: They can fit 7 microbreaks into an hour of work time.

What do the Xperts kno anyway?
An increase in VAT to 25% would put a brake on household spending, some of the usual self-appointed Xperts reckon, and put billions into the government's coffers. And all the businesses that go bust would gobble up their £30 BILLION and much more. Hey-ho!

Just Stop Just Stop Oil Protesters
That sounds like a sound strategy.
“There are bound to be a few spare lamp posts after the lawyers and the trade union leaders have been dealt with.” Laura Norda

Labour Day started with an Ontario Derby
Drive 2 for the T'ronno Argos featured a 57-yard pass, B-T to Speedy B and a TD for Ambler on the next play, 7-0. The TigerCats managed a rouge from a punt in reply. The Argos missed a FG try for a single at the end of Q1, 8-1. Zoom! A pick-6 by Rolle in the 4th minute of Q2 made it 8-all. Then defences took over and it was chucking it down with rain.
   The Argos went ahead with a FG in the 11th minute of Q3, 11-8. The Cats were stopped on a 3rd & 1 @ their 27! The Argos advanced to the 4, a tricky TD for Speedy B, 18-8. Peters took a pick from a tipped pass to the TC 27. Bang! A TD pass to Speedy B, 25-8 with 7 minutes left.
   The Cats went out on downs again, the Argos kicked a FG for 28-8 with 1:29 left, and that's how it ended.

And finished with another in Alberta
Lots of blue sky over Calgary, Maier QBing for the Stampeders, who opened the scoring with a TD in the 8th minute. The pictures vanished at the end of Q1 and we had to watch the Edmonton Antlers get an equalizer in replay, 7-all. The Ants got just a rouge from a punt after a pick in the 9th minute of Q2, 8-7.
   The Stamps woke up in Q3 and added +2 to a Begelton TD, 8-15. The Ants went 2 & punt, the kick was block and there was Begelton again taking a TD catch. 8-22 after 10 minutes. The Ants got the ball at the CS 35 from a failed punt catch, just a FG, 11-22.
   The Stamps were sacked to a FG in Q4, 11-25. The Ants reached the CS 5, a scrambling Cornelius found Marshall with a TD pass, 18-25. The Stamps missed a FG try for a single, 18-26 final.

Q: Is it remarkable that Samurai swords are made from steel folded 1,000 times?
A: Beat out a piece of red-hot steel until you can fold it over. Reheat and beat it out to the former size. Do that 10 times and you have 1,024 folds. Not something that will take forever.

The Sadgeek still K’han’t
The police in London are so pointless that President Boris had to spend his last few days in office wearing a stab vest and going round giving drug dealers a hard time. Not anything the cosmetic mayor would ever contemplate doing, of course.

“The Boy Beckham doing his ten million quid promo deal for the World Cup in Qatar has really upset the customers of the Agae Boutique, which is what the Algae one has been forced to become after being required to get the ‘L' out. Well, a couple of the more vocal customers are upset. The rest probably don't give the proverbial Rattenkranz.” 4miy Kasid

Want a chainsaw? Don’t try Scotland!
The population there is snapping them up and logging furiously in anticipation of an Arctic winter.
English taxpayers are standing by for rejected Prime Monster Gordon F. Broon to demand a subsidy from them to assist Scots to buy chainsaws, duvets & hot water bottles. Like he does.
Now that she's the PM, Trussty Lizzie is being advised to adopt a pragmatic attitude to Scotland. What does this involve? Recognizing that nothing works north of the border; least of all the politicians; which is why there is no political will to make things work & throwing more English TPM @ the Scots will be more cash down a bottomless Broon drain.

NASA's antics with the Artemis rocket have opened up the interesting prospect of Marsman Musk reaching the Red Planet to begin his colony before NASA gets any of its people back to the Moon.

“A big part of Scotland's problems is that its politicians don't live in the real world. One of the Scots MPs, the stellar A. Qaisar, has claimed that Scotland is a world leader in climate change—causing or preventing unspecified—which is rubbish.
   “The MP also thinks the SNP's declaration of a climate egermency is a Big Deal when it is no more than pointless posturing. With people like this around, no wonder the Scots have had to put up with 14 years of SNP misrule. Even if it is self-inflicted.”

Public Service Announcement He's been called the Blogger of the Decade His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

WEEK 2    Your view has been noted and will be ignored, as usual

 
The usual suspects are frothing at the mouth over just members of the Conservative party being able to pick their leader, who automatically becomes the Prime Monster. Which wilfully ignores that it has always been thus in the era of modern politics.
   Did anyone but Labour party members & paymasters get to make Sirk Reepy Smarmer the party leader? Or Crazy Corbynstein? Did anyone but SNP members put Wee Burney Sturgeon in charge? All the usual suspects are doing is waving their anti-Tory & anti-Boris credentials as if they were badges of honour rather than a mark of shame.

The 7,572 sets of roadworks in Scotland are being accused of turning the natives into nutters. The constant stress of going slow and being diverted is turning everyone in Wee Burneystan into mental elves.

Divorce lawyers are rubbing their hands in glee, anticipating buckets of business as the costa living crisis rips relationships asunder. 143% up on last year already.
Gloom from the Princess Diana industry. We won't get a break from it once the 25th anniversary of her death is done. There will be more & more & more.
Pay for GPs has gone up by £9K/year since 2015/16 but, of course, that isn't enuff to satisfy their trade union.
Wee Burney's gang have blown £13 MILLION on an 'inquiry' into the botched tram project in Edinburgh. Just think how much that would have been useful could have been done with the money. And then weep.

Q: What's Putrid the Poisoner's latest method for getting rid of people who don't appreciate him?
A: Put them in hospital, switch off the CCTV for 'maintenance' and chuck the offender out of a 6th floor window.
Dead Russians? 47 & counting.

Q: What would be a hoot?
A: Some bloke who writes mystery stories identifying as female, calling himself the Queen of Crime and defying the exorcists of the estate of Agatha Christie to do anything about it.

Are the Tories really staring down the barrel of electoral Armageddon, as we are invited to believe? Or is it the UK that's doing it?
   There is no credible alternative on offer. Labour in office is always a disaster, and Labour propped up by the SNP will be all about making Wee Burney the first queen of an independent Scotland.
   If the electorate throws a massive collective wobbly, it will come back to bit them viciously and often in the bum. But hey! When did good sense ever get in the way of an almighty whinge?

Time to stop the disgraceful bullying
The lordly legal eagle who grotted on the Get Boris campaign has really shivered the timbers of Captain Underpants (Labour), who normally figureheads the Commons kangaroo court. The Captain seems to be worried that if the legal trade is allowed to poke its nose in to his committee's business, he'll be prevented from posturing & preening & riding roughshod over the rules like a Harperson.

Q: What do you call 32 Albanian criminals sent back to where they came from?
A: A drop in the ocean.

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Our fractals correspondent, Julia Set, responds to a current ishue:
Q: What does the energy price cap do?
A: It ensures that everyone pays no more than the current cap level for gas & electricity no matter how much they actually consume.
Q: So if you leave your lights on all day and have the heating running at full blast 24/7/365.25, and have a row of charging points for electric cars, you can't be charged more than the cap even if your use ten times (or more) gas and electricity than the cap price pays for?
A: That's how it works out in practice for enterprising people with a car-charging business.

Q: Did somebody say, "Jar Steet?"
A: Ah, nope.

DEPARTURES
Queen Elizabeth II, 96, after a lifetime of putting up with politicians and other jumped-up nobodies. She was a model of patience and self-discipline, and set an example to other world leaders which was rarely followed to anything like the same extent.
   The monarchy will be totally different from now on. Whether or not this will be a Good Thing, we wait to find out with our customary impatience.
“A quick exit is best.” H.T.S.

“We will build an Aspirin Nation” [or something]
++ Labour demands general election last week ++ No one who could deliver is listening ++ Our nation waits with various degrees of patient for Smarmer bloke to stop his shameless posturing ++
[Not never gonna happen. Ed.]

The looney left is in a bile catastrophe situation. The world's supply is running our rapidly and Putrid the Poisoner isn't releasing the amounts the looneys need. Even to his best mates @ The New York Times.

There are only 3 types of economist in the world. Those who always get it wrong when they do adding up—and get a different total every time they try to do it with the same figures—and those who haven't grasped the concept of adding up.

Q: Do we need to panic about the £ sagging somewhat against the $?
A: The £ is staying the same. It's the $ that's rising against every other currency, which means the change is not due to anything we're doing.

“It's rather predictable, really, the usual suspects trying to convert the Brazilian Killer Dockson of Dick Green from someone who helped a long line of usual suspects to run the Metropolitan Police into the ground into a hero who was brought low not by her incompetence but by the railroading machinations of the cosmetic & equally useless London mayor, Sadgeek K'Han't.
   “Slushtag ^NewLegendBorn” Justin Case

Femmes @ the House of Common Criminals are up in arms over the conversion of their lavatory facilities arbitrarily into a free for all for blokes & transisters as well as persons of doubtful motivation.
   There was no consultation about this and there appears to be no danger of the same happening to male facilities, which has upset the femmes even more.

Q: Gastronomical energy price rises?
A: Conjure up an image of people being eaten alive by their inflated bills.

Q: Has the world really only just woken up to Mhegan the Minger?
A: Nah! We saw through her years ago.

Q: How much good will capping bus fares @ £2 do for people who don't go riding around on buses?
A: Not a whole hell of a lot.

“Who the hell gives a Rattenkranz about what the bitchy pratts on Twatter think?” Des Tination
“The really bitchy ones should be names & shamed—both before & after they spend a wet fortnight in the stocks.” Meg Awash

The Other Lot are back on Thursday Nite
There was a tribute to the late QE II before the NFL season opened with the Bills in L.A. Looked just like the CFL; until the Bills opened with a TD and we saw how miserable the end zones are. And all them downs, and no ‘no yairds', and the goal posts in the wrong place.
   A FG after a pick in Q2 put the visitors 10-0 up on the Super Bowl champs. Which woke the Rams up. TD for Super Kupp after 12 minutes, 10-7. And a 57-yard FG made it 10-all at the half.
   The Bills went ahead with a TD 7 minutes in to Q3, 17-10. Q4 started with a 47-yard pass play against an all-out Rams blitz and got the Bills to & goal. TD run by Allen, 24-10. Another pick set up a TD for Diggs, 31-10. There was 9:25 left but defences ruled for the rest of the match.

Sherie, our Major Meeja Correspondent, notes:
Wow, gosh! The blessed S. Vine of the Daily Disaster agrees with us—President Boris was chopped off at the knees for being loyal to people who didn't deserve it, in direct contravention of the Standing Orders for all political party leaders, who should be ready to sell their grannies down the river without a second thought if there is something in it for them.
   Boris' legacy is to be remembered as a President who was too much of a decent 'uman bean to be in charge of a scumbag-loaded political party.
[Which all of them are, unless they're vanishingly small like the Trivials & the Greens. Ed.]

Still on the subject of legacies . . .
“Our monarch, 96, accepts the resignation of an outgoing prime minister on Tuesday and endorses a replacement. On Thursday, she dies. That's 20th century grit and the associated sense of responsibility. That's what will be lost as this century progresses if the woke ‘culture' is allowed to spread its poison.” C.M.X.

Dirty business as usual
The wheels are coming off an attempt to sleaze a Metropolitan Police Commander, who cracked down on misconduct and drug abuse. Someone is trying to portray him as a pot-smoker and consumer of acid and magic mushrooms. But the vital witness has vanished into thin air, the tribunal in charge of blackening his reputation has been told.

The teaching trade is doing such an outstanding job that 175,000 kids will start secondary school this month unable to read.
   So much for the wonderful contribution of The Blob.

Bremoaners have blown £120 MILLION of our dosh on a wonking fiasco, which demonstrated the length & breadth of the nation's loonies rather than Britisch ingenuity. Warmists, wonks, colonialists, transisters—they're all grabbing a slice of the pie.
   The current footfall is 240,000—66 MILLION planned for—with 2 months left to run of what was supposed to be an event to rival the 1851 Great Exhibition and the 1951 Festival of Britain.
   A grateful nation thanks TheRazor May for initiating this Garage of Garbage.

Fanny the Fantasist—our new columnist, opines:
"Voting in a Labour government to punish the Tories for being rotten to President Boris is the equivalent of breaking both your own legs because you're not happy with the quality of the trainers on offer."

The Xperts have now concluded that the wheels were coming off the NHS before the Chinese plague arrived and the Yellow Peril just made the de-wheeling process happen sooner.
The NHS would have £1.2 BILLION per year more if the bosses did something about the endemic fraud.

How unkind!
The Astronomer Royal, Lord Rees, reckons those capable of doing it should blast robots into space instead of 'uman beenz. Next thing you know, Sirb Eery Smarmer is being volunteered to top the list!
[He never will be missed. Ed.]

Only 66% of pubs will go bust and close down over the winter, not the 70% predicted by the so-called Xperts.

Today's American Saying:
"These are the guys that shine the paint"

Marks & Spencer are Saving The Planet by doing away with cups & saucers in the caffs. Mugs instead, cheaper to wash and reuse, helping to keep the lights on. Teapots are also going in favour of a teabag in a mug.
The move is saving cash for stroppy pensioners, who won't go to M&S any more for a treat if it's not done properly.

One way of doing it
Prince Hairy & his merciless missus have an interesting tactic for avoiding disapproval. A team of minions with leaf-blowers is deployed to keep the public well clear of a venue where the couple plan to do a whinge, sparing them the booooos! of disapproving Little People.

Sir B. Johnson was the best PM we have ever had, a lord who used to work with him has declared.

Re: HM the late Queen
“One does get the feeling that there are only so many things you can say about a thoroughly decent and admirable woman, and going on and on all day and all night does no great service to her memory.” C.M.X.

FNF: The Lions in Montréal
Pipkin started a BC drive with a rush, on to a FG. A punt by the Al Capones pinned BC deep, and they gave up a safety, 3-2. A great kick return got the Als to the BC 34 but they blew up on a trick play. Their next drive produced a TD but no +2, 3-8. Vernon Adams came on for BC to be sacked by his old team to end Q1.
   The Als got to & goal in Q2, just a FG, 3-11. Harris to Lewis for a TD next time, 3-18. The Als were back for more in the last minutes; sacked to a FG, 3-21 at the half. Finally, in Q3, the Lions got some offence. Pipkin to Burnham for a TD? Incomplete pass. 3rd & goal from the 7? Sack & gone.
   A pick put BC in scoring range and a Charge! in Q4 gave them a TD, 10-21. Lots of defence, including a pick-6 by Lyon of the Als, 10-28. The Als ate clock, they kicked a FG with a minute to go and recovering a forced BC fumble left them 10-31 winners.

A couple of miles off target
J. Mercer seems to have thrown a major wobbly, as did his missus, when the new PM terminated him as Veterans Minister. "Who is going to be better than me?" he complained, revealing that he doesn't get that diversity demands that a job like this should go to someone with no Xperience or understanding of the Armed Forces

“Just bloody DO IT!” sez the boss
“If you're white & male, don't xpect one of the BIG jobs with Fizzy Lizzy in charge. That's the message that's coming across.” Merse I. Less
“Maybe all the blokes have to do is identify as dark brown & female, or even gender-shrouded Martian, to get around the ban on inclusivity grounds.” Matt Category

Someone up there really, really likes someone down here
There is something staggeringly felicitous about the monarch dying two days after a new PM moves in to the Downing Street roost. All the news meeja immediately trot out their carefully hoarded platitudes and no one has any time for looney left whingers who want to trash the new boss.

Milk Muppets
Veganist ecoterrorists are attempting to create a national milk shortage by blocking major dairy product producers with the active co-operation of the police. Shameful acts of vandalism are going unpunished to avoid clogging the court system whilst the legal trade is on strike.

Q: What would be a good way to upset the natives of Wee Burneystan?
A: Not putting the clocks back an hour at the end of next month.

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A women-only club @ Swansea U. Has been cancelled by threats of violence from transisters. The university's authorities seem to be quite cool with this purgatory process. Wonk.

NASA's new rocket is back in the garage in the hope that it can be made to work by next month.

Turn about is fair play
Last week, President Sleepy Joe dismissed ex-President Trump as a threat to democracy & the Democraps. This week, it's the turn of President Trump to out Creaky Joe as an enemy of the Untied States.
   Next week, who knows!

Wellness companies; Gloop, MossiMess, etc.; are all about the wellness of the vendor's bank balance and nuffink else.

“Being a member of the Accession council is a really great job if you only have to do a couple of weeks' work every 70 years.” Yehl O'Roza
“No hassle about shirking @ home if you have nothing to do Xcept try out alternate lifestyles and it doesn't matter where you do it.” Labi Rinth
“Just going through that unchanging ritual for swearing in a new king or queen sounds perfect for robots, freeing up ‘uman beenz in the glorious new future for . . . something or other.” Allers Windchill

Yesterday's Sunday Post had an item from 1961 about storms with 100 mph gusts. Gorbal warmage? Nope, 60-odd years ago, the Xperts had us on course for a new Ice Age.
“Which we seem to have averted entirely by accident and with no assistance from the alleged Xperts.” Crucible Atkins

Mhegan the Merciless has been sussed. She's privileged but she hasn't done anything worthwhile and she feels terminally guilty about it. That's why she plays her ‘Poor Me' card non-stop.

When you’re stuck, get creative
Putin the Poisoner's engineers can't get his gas pipeline pumping again. Thus he is having to pretend to cut Europe off in punishment for daring to impose economic sanctions in protest against his warmongering.
   Desperate, or what.

Credibility sadly lacking
The Borisgate kangaroo court in the Commons is getting nervous. The amount of rumbling in the jungle has prompted one of the kangaroos to offer a disingenuous denial of any goalposts being shifted. He's also claiming that the Xistence of a ‘Get Boris @ Any Cost' agenda is a fantasy.
[In his fantasy world? Ed.]
“Jenkin the Josher rides again!” Vor McAcid

North Korea is going to have a very happy Xmas this year. Putin the Poisoners is having to spend billions of his gas & oil income on buying munitions from President Kim's busy regime because his 4-day campaign to smash Ukraine to bitz & Narzify the place is dragging on far too long.

A Scottish chancer who tried to claim that football is a religion collided with a judge who didn't buy his story. The world is still reeling with shock @ the Xposure to the public gaze of a sensible judge.

Bit of a problem
There's a bank holiday next Monday for The Queen's funeral. The Royal Mail will be suspending its services on that day. But, as several of our regulars have pointed out, with the buggers leaping out on strike every 5 minutes, who'll spot the difference?

Misogyny has been internalized in Wee Burneystan. In this new, progressive culture, a job that would benefit women has to go to a man on diversity grounds, and if the natives object, the job is scrapped and women get no benefit at all.
The bloke, should he sue for the loss of the job for sexism and because he did nothing wrong, is reckoned to be a dead cert for a ton of compenbloodysation.

“Quality of enunciation has suddenly become vitally important in order to discriminate between ‘new king' and ‘nuking' with that nutter Putrid the Poisoner around.” Vanished Johnson

The looney left does only Revised Diversity, which Xcludes all Tories and anyone who thinks the looneys are totally abominable. Victimhood, no matter how tenuous, inflated & childish, is absolutely essential.

Oh, dear!
Peutin the Poisoner's attempt to Narzify Ukraine is going badly and he's having to readjust his front to tidy it up in the face of multiple inconveniences imposed by the Ukrainian army, which has turned out to be a superior fighting force with superior weapons.

The RAF is now officially in a state of regret over its campaign to prevent white males from serving their country. No one is to be sacked for gross misconduct, though.

The chairman of the climate change committee in the House of Frauds is claiming that occasionals—wind & solar—are cheaper than energy from reliable fuels. But as the bloke concerned is Lord Gummer, who is making money out of the occasionals trade, it is being assumed that he is having an attack of Mad Cow Disease, of which he was in charge back in the day.

The Labour party has promised to have a woman as its leader as soon as Sirk Reepy Smarmer and the others in charge work out Xactly what a woman is.
“All Sirk Reepy has to do is claim that he's identifying as a woman for a couple of weeks. Job done.” Improper Harperson

Super Saturday Marathon #1 in the nation’s capital
The T'ronno Airgoes opened the scoring with a long FG, Coxie made 39 of 41 yards needed and the TA closed Q1 @ 10-0 with a TD. Gittens got the TA to the red zone in Q2, just a FG, 13-0. Ward delivered twice for the RedBlacks and the Airgoes missed a FG try @ 0:00, closing the half at 13-6.
   The TA managed a FG in Q3, Ward again in reply, 16-9. Another TA FG try went for a rouge, 17-9. A boot by Ward hit the post. More Gittens to the RB 12 and a TD for him from the next play, 24-9. In Q4, the RBs got to & goal, Charge! 24-16. A quick pick set up a FG, 24-19. And that was the last of the scoring. The RedBlacks losing at home is now a Law of Nature.

Orf to Winnipeg for a Banjo Bowl next
Demski opened the account for the home team with a TD, the PAT try missed, 0-6. Another long Blue Bomber drive ended in Q2 with a TD for Prukop, 0-13.
   The Sasquatches got close, DPI in the end zone, Fajardo in for a TD, 7-13. DPI got the BB to FG range, on to another TD for Demski, 7-20. Bailey did a highlight reel Superman dive for a TD toward the end of the half and the RoughRiders closed it with a 53-yard FG. 10-27.
   Alford got on his bike and returned the opening kick off of Q3 for a TD! 17-27. After an exchange of FGs, the BB closed the quarter with a TD, 20-37. A FG in Q4 put the BB 20-40 up. Brown came on for Collards, another BB TD, 20-47. Enuff? Nope, the BB were back for another TD in the final minute. 20-54 final and the Bombers copped for the Banjo Cup.

Levelling up in reality
Equality has a different meaning north of the border. Majestic boozing and all the diseases consequent have been mainly a male province. Nae mair! The femmes are catching up fast.
   Being locked in whilst the Chinese plague was raging fuelled the catch-up process.
“There has to be a hell of a lot of cash sloshing around if people in Wee Burneystan can afford to chug 30!! cans of cider a day every day.” Dar Korder

The Sainsbury's Nectar scam is about to get worse. No one is surprised. In future, customers will have to spend 4x as much dosh to get the current level of ‘benefit', which is purely notional anyway.

A garden hot tub is now a badge of honour for the megarich as only they can afford the upkeep & running costs. 57% of them are now completely unaffordable and have become just garden ornaments.

Q: What's a good way to get the usual suspects to give your new book a plug if you're a failed Labour hack politician?
A: Slag off the Tories. Works every time.

General T. Davie was given the job of Director of the BierBC a couple of years ago on condition that he did nothing about the endemic wonkness & anti-Toryism there. He has been a model of inertia.

Sherie’s RoundUp
“We will never see her like again but we can hope for something different that is just as good.” T. Redmill
“There might be an infinite number of ways to say the same thing but after the first couple or three, most give up on the words and just look at the pictures, no matter how worthy the scribe. Who still got paid, let us not forget, even if the essay remained unread.” Nervous Smarmer

The BierBC lived up to its reputation with the appalling Witchell bloke's tasteless speculation about the Xact cause of death and another of the crew writing The Queen off hours before the event.
The best ITV could do was parade its political editor, R. Pestilence, in a succession of ties in different colours, with and without stripes.

Not so Sieg!
“Interesting pictures of the crowds in front of Buck House @ the weekend. It looks like lotz of them are sieg-heiling! Until you look more closely and see that the out-thrust arms are all holding a pocket phone.” Peter O. Dactyl

SNF Finally, the Antlers hosted the Stampeders
The Stamps did a quick punt but a pick-6 got them ahead after 3 minutes. A bogged catch of an EA punt gave the Ants an equalizer. A dodgy DPI call got the Stamps back ahead, 14-7. Then they blocked a punt for 1st & goal, TD, 21-7.
   Lotz of defence & FGs in Q2, 27-13 at the half. The Ants had to give up a safety in Q3 and The Stamps came back for a TD, 36-13. Facing 3rd & 22, the Ants surprised everyone with a TD! 36-20. The rot continued in Q4. It was 50-20 when Cornelius went in for a TD, +2, 50-28 with 2:10 left. A TD in the last minute and a missed PAT made the Stamps 56-20 victors.

Further south & a day later
Cowboys caloflagelated in the first Sunday Late match of the new season. They managed a FG from their opening drive, then . . . nuffink. Meanwhile, the Tampa Bay Bucketeers, led by the superannuated Brady, ran up 19 points on them.

Siltiam Solutions
Q: Is there a Near Kinell as a counterpart of the Far Kinell we hear so much about?
A: Not that we're aware of.
Q: I take it there's no Near Queue as a counterpart of the Far one?
A: That's the way the world seems to work now—distance dominates.

Thought For Today:
The Unpleasant Left . . . should be!
Left to wallow in their wretchedness, unloved, irrelevant, envious and carping.

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WEEK 3    Recollections may have been invented

 
It’s not real if it’s not on TV!
There's a new custom & practice rule The powers that be have decided that King Chuck would have to be proclaimed as such on TV screens just to be sure that the customers would believe it was really happening.
“You'd have thought just bunging it on the interweb rather than deploying flunkeys all round the nation would have been quite sufficient these days.” R.U. Screwy

Not really what is wanted . . .
The period following the death of Queen Elizabeth will go down in the record books as a major Xcuse for peasants to throw a sickie; either to participate in a crowd scrum or just to have some bonus paid time off.
“I bet the bars @ the Palace of Westmonster are still doing a taxpayer-subsidized roaring trade.” Harry Zontal

The Putinstani ambassodor, Yuri Nate, is really upset by the amount of attention the aftermath of the Queen's death is getting.
The Gremlin has confirmed that Peutin the Poisoner will not be attending the royal funeral. Mainly because he hasn't been invited to.
The Putinstan In Action news agency is claiming that the very Xistence of the Untied Kingdom is about to end. No further details on offer.
Putinstan's attack on Ukraine is now being compared to the failed attempt to Narzify Afghanistan in the 1980s.

Mega ‘Not me, Gov’ situation
Peutrid is now claiming that he's fighting the whole of the West, not just Ukraine, and his 4-day Special Operation is taking so long because Ukraine's friends gave them so many superior weapons to defend themselves from a dictator's aggression.

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“Wow, gosh! The new Queen Consort used to shop @ Sainsbury's, just like the burghurs of Romiley.”

“Is it entirely coincidental that threat words like ‘menace' contain a pejorative ‘men'? I think not.”

Somewhat off-beam
The UK comes to a standstill read the headline.
Newsflash! We were already there with every bugger out on strike; especially the legal trade; or skiving @ home.

No reprieve for schoolkids whilst barristers are on the picket lines despite the ongoing royal rituals. Kiddies will have to keep on digging at the educational coal face. Assuming their teachers aren't pulling a sickie.

The Met Office is using the national period of mourning as an Xcuse to skive off and stop doing weather forecasts.
[Alternative explanations exist. Ed.]

The NHS, including hospitals, dentists & GPs, is having a grand day off on Funeral Monday.

The Queen's death has brought a whole army of nasty bastards and rachelists out of their boxes and increased the severity of the global bile shortage.
The police are giving a hard time to attention-seekers who are going around with a sign bearing an offensive message about the monarchy.
One of them was persecuted for saying, "Who elected him?" about King Chuck and demonstrating an abject failure to grasp the simple concept that the monarch is a figurehead with a degree of permanency and not some here today, gone tomorrow political stooge.

Foreign honchos won't be allowed to turn up in a helicopter for The Queen's funeral and they'll have to land their executive jet; or Jumbo Stratobuster if they've brought a small army; well clear of London and be Xpected to come into town by bus!

Prince Andrew & ex-Princess Fergiana have been awarded the task of looking after the Royal Collection of ankle-biting corgis, dorgis, etc.
[All part of the rehabilitation process. Ed.]

King Chuck is now being rebranded as a wise & compassionate national grandfather figure rather than a Neddy Seagoon ecofreak.

Q: Is it really true that Harold bloody Wilson was the late Queen's favourite prime monster?
A: This is just BS spread by Wislon himself. No corroboration from a reliable source, e.g. HM's memoirs, is available and Wislon's version remains in the fantasy/fiction box.

The sentries around Westminster Abbey will be on the alert for sacked Commons squeaker Berko attempting to sneak in on Funeral Monday.
[No word yet on whether a 'shoot to kill' policy will apply. Ed.]

The BierBC is still getting a booting for cancelling the Last Nite of the Proms and depriving the people who bought tickets of being seen to do God Save The King on TV and claim a place in history.

10% of customers don't think that PM Truss should cap energy costs and that every bugger should pay their own way.
   100% of the remaining 90% think the 10% should drop dead.

The nuclear power station @ Zaporizhzhia in Ukraine has been shut down at last, reducing the risk of Putinstani forces doing another Chernobyl and contaminating the whole of Europe & most of Putinstan with radioactivity.

North Korea faces an even happier Xmas than anticipated. The Putinstani army abandoned vast amounts of munitions & equipment when it bugged out of north-eastern Ukraine, all of which will have to be replaced by the likes of North Korean suppliers.

“Don't you just wish a race incident could be just a debate about who won the egg & spoon?” Rev O'Lting

Jaw, Jaw as War, War
If nothing else, Ukraine is winning as far as propaganda tactics go. The army & government made noises about a major offensive against Pheutin's gang in the south, he rushed troops and equipment there and the suckers left in the north-east were swept out of the way like the chaff they are.

The question being asked most often in Moscovicious at the moment is which 6th floor window Peutin the Poisoner will ‘accidentally' fall out of whilst sneaking a smoke when he reaches his sell-by.
   The second most asked question is who will end up stealing his Black Sea palace.

The sadistics confecters are so desperate for something, anything, to publish that they are claiming, based on the usual tiny sample, that half of the nation created a potential flood hazard by shedding tears over the death of The Queen.
   They also reckon that women were more likely to do blub than men, which upset the equality mob rather well.
Another 'finding' is that the Awkward Squad 10% don't think there should be a Bank Holiday on Funeral Monday, which is hardly worth recording as the AS10% say no to everything, good or bad.

Q: How can people stand in a queue for 30 hours to view The Queen's coffin? Do they have astronaut-style plumbing under baggy clothes for bodily waste?
A: They are issued with a coded wristband showing their place in the queue as they arrive so that they can take comfort breaks, go and buy food or even slope off for a 10-course banquet.
Q: No seig-heiling with phones at the venue, though?
A: Absolutely not.

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Despite a return to economic growth in July, the Office for Notional Sadistics is still confident that it can confect the UK into a recession.

Useless is as Useless does
In KC on Thursday Nite, the Chargers struck first with a FG. They were stopped cold when they did a Charge! from the KC 1 but another try in Q2 gave them a TD and 10-0. A flag saved the Chiefs from a pick, on to a TD, 10-7.
   In Q3, the Bolts made 4th & 1 at the edge of the red zone, on to a TD and 17-7. KC came back with a TD and 17-14. They were close at the end of Q3 but anyone watching the hilites on Sky was out of luck after that. The useless fuquers didn't show Q4!!!!!!
   ViewTube to the rescue. KC kicked a FG to start Q4, 17-all. The Bolts were close to scoring then a 99-yard pick-6 the other way put them in a 17-24 hole. Which became 17-27 after a KC FG in the 12th minute.

theGrauniad is calling our new PM Librium Liz because its readers [both of them, Ed.] are having to take tranquillizers to avoid endless smart alec invitations to "Calm down, dear!"

Bitchy is as bitchy does
How typical of the Loathsome Left to point out that ex-president Trump wasn't invited to the Royal Funeral as he is no longer in charge of the Untied States and the capacity for attendees is limited.
   Neither the O'Bummers nor the appalling Clintons got invites for the same reason. Not a peep out of the Loathsome ones about this, though.

Q: Why didn't The Queen's coffin travel from Edinburgh to London on the Royal Train?
A: Some say it was to nark the people who think things have to be done the same way every time, regardless of changes in circumstances. The real reason for using the RAF for the transport job was to avoid messing up already badly damaged train services even more. It also avoided giving attention-seekers a chance to invade railway lines to cause trouble.

FNF: The Antlers in Susquatch territory
The RoughRiders opened the scoring with a FG and got the benefit of an outrageous DPI call. 3rd & 2 @ the EA 42, Fajardo to Evans for a TD, 10-0. Groan! A 56-yard dash by Cornelius to the SK 19 set up a FG for the Ants.
   They were back at the start of Q2 with a Charge! Cornelius lost the ball but the Ants were allowed to keep possession and Cornelius went in for a 3rd down TD and 10-all. With the Ants at their 33, a pass to Mitchell went for a TD!! 17-10.
   A FG try for the RR dinged off the post. They came back for another try in the 14th minute, which worked. 17-13. A 51-yard try by the Ants . . . dinged off the post.
   A 41-yard pass play to Walker in the 8th minute of Q3 set up a FG, 20-13. The RR missed a FG try for a point in Q4. The Ants made one work after 4 minutes, 26-14. The RR kicked a FG in the 12th minute and went ahead with a 3rd down TD from the EA 7, 23-24.
   Walker to FG range, 26-24, and that was enuff for the Antlers to win!! Yay!
[One does get the impression that the author of this piece is somewhat biased. Ed.]

Q: Has it been too little, too late?
A: No, for once it has been too much, too early.

The black tie situation is so bad in London that shops there are having to import them from Italy.
[Giving the Chinese market a miss? Ed.]

Wee Burney Sturgeon's ambition to be Queen of Scotland is now being placed in the same box as Putrid the Poisoner's ambition to be King of Ukraine.

We can bog it, yes we can!
The holiday campists Center Parcs got themselves into a HUGE tangle after deciding to shut down on Funeral Monday. The twits in charge were quite prepared to tell customers in the middle of an Xpensive family holiday to bugger off and come back on Tuesday. Until heads were banged together and the notion was binned.
You can either unscrew a screw-up or tighten it. Center Parcs opted for the latter by ordering customers to hunker in their bunker on Funeral Monday 'coz eateries, swimming pools and everything else will be closed. But they do get a 17% reduction in their bill for the inconvenience.

The Aussies [12 invitations to The Queen's funeral!!! Ed.] are investigating the owner of betting company Ladbrokes for failing to observe rules designed to prevent money laundering and financing of terrorism.

Attention the Euronews TV channel! The queue to get a look at The Queen's coffin in Westminster Hall is miles long, not kilometres.

UEFA, a Europeon institution, banned the playing of our national anthem before mid-week international matches featuring British teams. But hey! The Europeons hate us, so what else do you Xpect?

The Southern Irish are also trying to stir up trouble over the mainland's trade with Northern Ireland. Shame they don't have something constructive to do.

Anyone surprised that airlines & hotels are cashing in mercilessly ahead of Funeral Monday? No? Bump-ups of 300% to 400% are quite common.

Q: Will coppers arresting people for being an attention-seeking Xhibitionist twat damage the monarchy?
A: Nope. Everyone knows that this is what the police do now instead of tackling serious crime.
[Not that any rational person objects to the Xhibitionists being hit with a stonking fine for the egurgitative offence of being a twat in a public place. Ed.]

  Funeral Monday, in case anyone has lost count  

Ever the optimist, King Chuck [right: as seen in August 2010 after reducing his personal liability to the Leg Tax on rich people imposed by Coalitionist V. Cable (Trivial). Ed.] wants minimum disruption for his minions on Funeral Monday.

Freak speech rulz
There are those who don't want the monarchy—probably hoping that its assets will be grabbed by the government and they will cop for a slice of the loot. They are as entitled to their view as those who aren't interested in attention-seekers are entitled to ignore their very Xistence.

Anyone surprised that MPs are jumping the queue to view The Queen's coffin and taking some mates with them? No?

What’s open in Romiley today?
The newsagent on Stockport Road, the railway station, the Esso/Londis petrol station and that's about it.
   The green & blue wheeled bins are being emptied. It was raining early on—although the Sun did struggle out @ the 11th hour of the morning. Briefly.

Where do they find them?
Police officers swear an oath of allegiance to The Crown; to whomever wears it legitimately. Which means that everyone who did it during the reign of Queen Elizabeth has automatically passed the benefit of their oath on to King Chuck now that he has been confirmed as the successor.
   But that hasn't stopped the character now in charge of the Met from wasting police time and our money on doing a survey for a grand reswearing for all coppers, which would have to be done in front of magistrates at a time when the courts have a backlog of 60,000 cases
   Sounds like Sir M. Rowley needs a slap round the back of the head and his K removed until he learns a bit of sense.

Sherie’s Message RoundUp
“Who are all these doshan bleedas who want The Queen's cortege to go right round the country and turn Funeral Monday into a 3-month event? Bogligast'v! mentally.” Ma Shlart
“MPs are agitating for it as well as the newspaper usual drivellers. No great surprise there, though. Owt to get noticed, even if it's for the wrong reason.” Tak Tickle
“What planet are these so-called Xperts on if they reckon half The Planet's crew will be watching the funeral live? Especially if it will be on ViewTube and every iPlayer equivalent going for a no-TV evening.” Kaydal Gleesh
“Is Gordon Broon seriously offering his services as a Royal Family guru? What a creep.” Anne Gwish
“We're not Scandinavians. Neither are we Broonies.” Jedgar Roover

Gooble is about to be done for £21 BILLION by firms that have objected to its uncompetitive and grabbing practices. The legal trade, which will extract a big fortune whichever way the various cases go, is wearing a broad grin.

Siltiam the Sselicrem, our Partiality Correspondent, does a round-up:

Q: Are people resonating, as claimed by a bloke in a dog collar?
A: On the contrary, most people nowhere near London are just getting on with things. And so are a lot of people in and around London.
Q: How many people who were watching a recroding or otherwise ignoring the TV news channels forgot all about last night's minute's silence?
A: Probably about as many millions as those who weren't aware of this morning's ‘coz of they were busy doing something instead of sat in front of a TV.

[There should be Semper Optimus on there somewhere. Ed.]

Saturday 1: the Blue Bombers in Hamilton
The TiCats started with a FG. Collards to Demski for a TD, 7-3. A triffic pass play by the Cats set up a TD for White. The Bombers got close but were held to a FG and 10-all.
   The Cats went ahead with a FG after 3 minutes of Q2. A sack/fumble by Carney then a scoop ‘n' score by him put them ahead 10-20 after 4 minutes. The BB got a single from a punt, the Cats went in for another TD with 4 minutes left. 11-27. The BB were sacked to a FG. Zoom! A huge pass for a TiCat TD, 14-34 at the half.
   The BB kicked a FG in Q3. A pick by the Cats went to & goal, TD, 17-41. The BB faced 3rd down at the TC 3 in Q4. Out on downs? Offsetting penalties gave them another go, Charge!, 24-41. Bailey was shoved into the TC goal, 31-41. The Cats struck again with 2 minutes to go, 31-48. The BB were stopped by a pick. The End. Phew!

Rants in his Pantz
The UN Secretary, General A. Gutteres, is claiming that The Planet is dropping to bitz due to climate change. He is demanding an end to the current fossil fuel free-for-all. Which is total rubbish when fossil fuels are a hell of a long way from free. And no viable alternatives on offer, of course.
If his complaint is about the use of fossil fuels, he needs to take his soapbox to China & India and do some yelling there. Not gonna happen, though, is it?
“If The Planet does drop to pieces and forms another asteroid belt, we can all migrate to the Musk colony on Mars and have a choice of holiday in the new, inner asteroid belt or the old one that's there now between Mars & Jupiter.” Preferred Jones

Sunday Nite in Green Bay
The Pack were sacked to a FG, TD for da Bears, 7-3. The Pack zoomed into the distance with 3! TDs in Q2, 7-24. A botched hand-off in Q3 gave the ball to the Bears and they kicked a FG eventually, 10-24.
   A big run by Montgomery in Q4 got the Bears to 4th & goal @ the GB 1 foot line. And they were stopped cold. GB dug out of the hole and went on to a FG and a 10-27 win. Yay for the green ‘n' gold!

Prince Hairy is about to make himself even more popular with another confection bombshells assembled by one of his 'team'. Recollections may vary.
Another publicity-seeker, a sacked attorney general for part of New York state, is also hoping to gull the gullible with a volume of whinges about Prince Andrew.
Unemployment @ 3.6% is the lowest it has been since 1974. But don't despair. The DoomBuggers are working hard to turn this situation into a major disaster.
Ukraine how has so many Putinstani prisoners that is it running out of inspiration over places to stash them.
Inflation down to 9.9%. The Bonk of England target it 2%. The sack for the useless Gov? Joke. Nowt like being fireproof, is there?

“If being a twat in a public place is a criminal offence in Scotland, why not in England too? Especially as we have 16 times more of them on a population basis.” Ecal Dwel

“It was fun to watch ex-Prince Hairy getting a good kicking for being bratty on late evening TV last nite.” Temil Lott

A rather Putrid way of running things . . .
The Polis of the Metrolopis could be running rather short of "Armed Police!" in the near future. Firearms officers don't get any extra pay for confronting armed & dangerous criminals and they are feeling let down by the failure of their bosses to have their back when the chips go flying.
   Which is why a lot of them are thinking of doing a mass pack-it-in to tell those bosses what they think of them.

The why of it—You Decide
The police in London spot a car that was involved in a firearms incident several days earlier and try to pull it over. The driver refuses to stop. There's a high-speed chase until the car is boxed in and shunted to a stop.
   The driver refuses to get out of the car and starts bashing forward and back against the police vehicles. A firearms officer shoots him dead before he kills someone. That officer ends up suspended ahead of a homicide investigation.
   The dead man had been imprisoned for a firearms offence and he was a member of a gang that spreads drill rap violence messages and includes members with convictions for weapon & drug offences.
   Was this the murder of a harmless person of colour by agents of a rachelist & Putinstanic regime?
   Or did a bloke with a sense of entitlement as big as all outdoors think he wasn't subject to the rule of law and, in effect, commit suicide by cop?

Ukraine's successes against the Putinstani invaders in the north-east of the country are now being described as the equivalent of scoring a goal just before half time.
Germany is busy scoring own goals. Sergeant Schultz, the current honcho, is dragging his feet over delivering tanks and other armoured vehicles to the Ukrainians in the hope that President Zelnskiy will forget all about the promises Schultz made.

Putrid's minions are scouring gaols for seriously bad criminals; murderers & rapists top of the list; who can be offered a complete pardon if they can last 6 months on the Ukraine front.
   Just a few small conditions. Desert and you're dead. Same for being caught with booze or drugs, and for molesting the locals; human animal or vegetable; in the war zone.

The new head of state in Kenya is going to take care of gorbal warmage in Africa, so we don't need to throw any of our cash in that direction.
   Bizzy Lizzy & minions take note!
[Implied threat if they don't? Ed.]

Saturday 2: The Lions in Calgary
After stopping the locals, the Lions benefited from DPI to get to FG range, on to a TD for Butler. The Stampeders kicked a FG in the 9th minute, 7-3. After making 3rd & inches at the CS 30, the Lions went 2 & FG, 10-3.
   Maier to Henry in Q2 for the equalizer in the 4th minute and that guy on the horse did a Charge! on the sideline. Lotz of defence & sacking. The Stamps went ahead with a FG @ 0:00, 10-13.
   In Q3, Adams dashed to the CS 25 but a bad snap led to a sack and a FG, 13-all. BC got to the red zone as the quarter ran out. A very dodgy DPI in goal got them to the 1. Pipkin had 3 goes and scored the TD eventually. 20-13.
   There were 5 minutes of Q4 left after an Xchange of FGs. The Stamps got level with a TD, 23-all, and Paredes missed a 48-yard FG try that would have won it. Overtime.
   Adams to Burnham then a rush by Butler. No +2 but the Stamps were offside. Pipkin on, success! 31-23. The Stamps scored a TD from the BC 4, no +2 and a challenge for DPI failed. 31-29 final.

Q: Is it really a big deal to be top of the First Division this early in the season?
A: Not in the real world.

Loathsome Left on the skids?
The Italian nationalists have got the commies really worried with elections up-coming. The commies are trying to tar the nationalists with the outdated & worn-out fascist brush and the nationalists are pointing out that they are nothing to do with Mussolini and there is nothing to choose between fascists and commies.
The waxworks of the EFU are getting worried about Italian nationalists asking awkward questions about the amount of corruption that goes on in Brussels.
The commies in Sweden are also worried that the nationalists there are proving to be increasingly popular whilst their popularity is declining.
The Swedish government's policy of hoovering up migrants recklessly is responsible for a big jump in violent gang-fuelled crime of the sort seen in Leicester this week over a cricket match between India & Pakistan. Intolerance of native Swedes and their 'uman rights by Islamist migrants is also increasingly common.

MNF: the Vikings in Philly
The Eagles opened the scoring with a TD after 6 minutes. Hurts to Watkins in Q2 from the PE 47 for another TD! 0-14. The Vikings replied with a TD in the 6th minute. 3rd & 2 @ the MV 24, TD run by Hurts, 7-21 with 2 minutes left. The Eagles tacked on a FG for 7-24 at half time.
   In Q3, a pick by the Eagles stopped the MV in the red zone. The Eagles had a FG try blocked. No worries; another pick. Nothing from it. Bagging a tipped pass in Q4 got the MV to the PE 9, but they were picked off on 3rd down. The Vikings got to the PE 10 with a minute left; and gave up a bad job after a 3rd down sack.

WEEK 4    Darn the pub, putin the 'tipple' into multiple [crap, Ed.]

 
Today's scam phone call came from 02070 975 721.
   The machine voice claimed to be ‘your internet service provider' [dead giveaway, Ed.] with a warning that your internet connection has been compromised and will be switched off in the next 24 hours if you don't press ‘1' to talk to a scammer and pony up a wad of cash.

Mr. Angry still at it
Former prince Hairy has vanity fit. Throws major angry wobbly about not being able to dress up in a uniform even though he no longer has any connection with the Britisch armed services and he's no longer all that royal any more. No one is surprised. Mhegan the Merciless is getting her share of the blame for turning him into an angry whinger & untouchable.
“Is he going to stomp into the garden and eat worms?” Inspector McRay
“Knew the TV cameras were on him and didn't sing 'God Save My Dad'. How bratty.” Brown Find
“Who's going to be his mate when Mhegan dumps him?” Ian Dunc

Security jobsworths @ Westmonster hall have been outed as being on the lookout for all sorts of stuff to confishcake from the customers. Werther's Originals were top of the list for the grabsworths.
“Pssst! Want to buy some Chanel No 5? Nearly full bottles?” Souman Deller

The New Yowk Times seems to be kicking the arse of theGroaner in the contest to be the sorriest bunch of Loathsome Lefties on The Planet.

Who’s Next?
The editor of Putrid the Poisoner's fave newspaper has been croaked on a trip far, far away from the fiasco in Ukraine. The official cause of death has been given as suffocation. All mention of the 2 KGB agents and the plastic bag has, presumably, been expunged from official & other records.
   Place your bets on how many more 'mates' will get the chop before the man himself is done away with as a necessity for survival.

“Diplomatic headache seating Iran, Israel and North & South Korea? Cobblers! Put one lot in London, another in Cardiff, another in Belfast and the last lot in Edinburgh. Problem solved!” Guid Riddenhook
“Pakistan in Aberdeen and India in far off Penzance.” Olaf Ingas
“Greece in Hull and Turkey in Halifax; both places from which to be preserved.” Quirk McTurk

Sherie’s RoundUp
“What's that deafening sound? Oh, it's all the BierBC mugs and other usual suspects, who had to pretend that Britain is a great place and somewhere that counts on the world stage, ungritting their teeth now that all the pomp & circumstance is over.” Dark Kenry
“A small, insignificant country the focus of world attention for a couple of weeks. How that must have irked the Bremoaners and Ludicrous Lefties.” Bill Moral
“Whoever took the decision to let the Chinese delegation—from the country that gave us the Chinese plague, let us not forget—jump the queue @ Westmonster Hall proved that we're better than a bunch of vindictive commies, who have put out ‘Not Welcome' signs for a number of our MPs.” Lin O'Leum
“And presecute Christians in Hong Kong. And Moslems in the north-west of China.” Bentine Comotion

Good idea all round
Le Touquet-Paris-Plage is renaming its airport after Queen Elizabeth. The Xact title has not yet been disclosed but it is Xpected to be something a lot less of a mouthful, which will make the directional signs cheaper to manufacture and easier to take in at a glance from a speeding vehicle.

Asleep, the train drivers' union, is trying to slow down the Tory party conference with strikes. Commies is as commies does. The London Marathon has also been targeted for an undisclosed reason

The latest amusement from the Fiction Factory is that Donald Trump, when president, tried to swap Puerto Rico for Greenland.

The Putinstanis bugged out of the liberated areas of Kharkiv so hurriedly that they abandoned at least a dozen torture centres with full equipment to be shown off to the world's news meeja.

According to the latest flyer from SKY, we can now get Full Fibre.
   News flash, comrades. We've had it since 1999 courtesy of Nynex and Cable & Wireless.

Junk food curbs face axe read the headline, which can be only a Good Thing. Whatever that face axe thing is, it sounds awful and all praise to junk food for being able to curb it.

“King Chuck travelled a couple of thousand miles during his first 10 days in office. How curious that the usual suspects haven't been jumping up & down and screaming about his carbon footprint.” Ermin Diatribe
“Yes, it does rather underline the triviality and irrelevance of such sham accounting.” Mar Shlart
“Liverpool dockers start a strike on Funeral Monday. How very scouser.” Bro Ken
“Would NeatFlix be able to do a funeral on the scale of Monday's? Or will that episode of their manufactured Royal soap feature some confected backstabbing with the funeral on a big-screen TV in the background?” Endzone Cliff

Some light in the darkness
We were struck by the snazzy jazziness of the medal ribbon in pole position in the set worn by King Chuck on his uniform. It turned out to be the one for the Queen's Service Order. It's nice to think that his mother chose the design personally to lighten up the solemnity of a whole row of gongs.

The black hat trade, like that for black ties, has slumped back to normal levels after a brief bonanza.

Q: How come the morons in charge of the National Grid have gone all woke and banned the word ‘he', but they're using ‘they' instead, which contains a banned ‘he'?
A: There might be a clue in your use of the word ‘morons'.
“Going wonk, apparently, is what the National Grid's operators think would be the best way of tackling the current energy crisis.” Serial Brooks
“Well, that will work. Not.” Bat E. Balls

Tell ’em anything; some might believe it
Quislings are insinuating that the Chinese plague was spread from a lab in the Untied States rather than its true source—that biological warfare laboratory in Wuhan, China.
   No surprise that The Lancet is involved in the manoeuvrings, which are being seen as the Chinese regime using useful idiots to indicate that it will own up to poor biosecurity at its lab in Wuhan if the Yanks are prepared to share the blame.
“Not gonna happen.” Beau Nafides

Putrid has lost it
Anti-war protesters in Putinstan are being rounded up by the police and conscripted into the army as a punishment. How committed a fighting force is that going to create? How much use will they be if they're kept on the home front as unmotivated pen-pushers and cosmetic sentries? Or if they're sent to Ukraine to recover dead bodies under fire and decide to desert?

The BIG SECRET of the Brit-hating N'Yawk Times is out! They're stooges of the Chinese, who are paying them to trash us. With an offer of distribution in China and advertising revenue as an Xtra bribe.

Sirk Reepy Smarmer [remember him? Ed.] is still failing to inject some (pretend) patriotism into the Labour party. It's still as churlish & Corbynstein as ever.

Don’t know or don’t want to be dead
How much is it going to cost to get the killer of 9-year-old Olivia Korbel shopped? She was shot by a home invader in Liverpool over a month ago. The current price on his head is £200K but this is clearly not enuff.
   No danger of the guy the killer was chasing, who is now in hospital, being extraordinary rendered to somewhere where he can be questioned properly, of course. Maybe it's the hurricane season in Guantanamo.

Rat ‘n’ Vulture RoundUp
Interest rates are the highest they've been since Gordon F. Broon was wrecking the Britisch economy.
The Bonk of England is still trying to confect a recession.
One in the eye for Trussty Lizzie? The mugs doing the funeral commentary for Aussie TV didn't recognize her and guessed from the size of her entourage that she was a minor royal.
[Probably Ruritanian, Ed.]
DIY dentistry is most prevalent in West Yorkshire and the South-East and East of England, where the NHS is very low on qualified dentists. Predictably, the Trivials are blaming the situation on a lack of investment by the government rather than the NHS wasting BILLIONs on pointless, make-work burrocracy.

Sherie’s RoundUp
“Having the usual suspects spouting the same old, same old bollocks again after a couple of weeks off reminds us how little we've missed them.” Exhumed O'Mission
“Right. You kind of hoped they'd all dropped dead but you just knew the bastards are too bloody miserable to do anything that useful.” Merse I. Full
“Edstone Milipede trying to sink the fraking industry is particularly switch-offable.” Gol Darn
“Maybe the Mobility Shop can come up with an ejector seat that can fire him into orbit.” Ken Tuckitin
“Around Mars, preferably.” Ujah Fink

Q: Does anyone in the real world give a reciprocating rattenkrantz about the Dodgy Cars Bloke, his female sidekick and their entourage jumping the queue @ the lying in state @ Westmonster Hall just because he's on TV a lot?
A: No one outside the London TV bubble does. And his reputation suggests it will just be water off the proverbial duck's bum anyway.

Q: Is it true that Trussty Lizzie's Chancellor is called Quasimodo?
A: Only by people who can't remember his name properly.

Leave Well Alone
Does Queen Elizabeth really need an adjective? Especially one like ‘the Great', which is clearly recycled and overloaded with baggage.
   Referring to her as just Queen Elizabeth is enuff, and the context will make it clear (if provided adequately) that QE II rather than the equally celebrated QE I is the subject of the observation.

Chancellor brings tax-cutting budget out of his red box, planning to go for growth. Labour outraged, Ludicrous Left goes BANG! in all directions @ end of cap on bankers' bonuses.
Creaky Joe kills off any prospect of a trade deal between the Untied States & the UK until after he is history.
The guesstrologists of the BierBC have settled on a figure of 32.5 million for the local TV audience on Funeral Monday. That's the number of people who ‘accessed' BierBC TV channels and iPlayer for anything from the full 10 hours to a few seconds in passing.
The biggest headache for King Chuck's staff is finding tactful ways to stop him from trying to do everything everywhere all at once, which is the ultimate recipe for disaster and getting nothing done.
The World O'besity Confederation has targets for the UK of 80% of the population overweight by 2060 and 91% clinically o'bese by 2073.
Leicester's Moslems (some of them) are trying to play the fascist card against the local Hindus. Nothing good will come of that.

Helpful suggestion
If King Chuck is looking for a reliable pen, he could do worse than a pack of the Chinese ballpoints on sale in the SPP Bargain store in Romiley @ £1.20 for 10.
   The refills can easily be rehoused in a posher shell by those who feel that using something made of plastic makes them look cheap!

TNF in Windy Brown Town
The gang in Cleveland are no longer mugs for the Steelers to maul. After the visitors had a FG try blown off to one side, the Browns made a TD on a 4th & goal, 0-7. The PS started Q2 with an end zone trip, 7-all. The CB got inventive and scored a TD, the PAT hit the post. One back at them after 11 minutes, 14-13.
   The CB went ahead with a FG in Q3. In Q4, they were stopped on 3rd & goal @ the PS 1, Charge! on 4th down, 14-23. The Steelers were almost picked in the CB goal as time ran out and kicked a FG in the 14th minute, 17-23. That's how it ended? Nope. Pinned deep with almost nowt on the clock, the Steelers started throwing the ball around, the Browns scooped up a fumble & scored a walk off TD with no extra point @ 0:00, 17-29 final!

Sherie Does Another RoundUp
Q: PETA?
A: Peculiar Entities Trawling (for) Attention
“Petrol Engines Travel Anywhere”
Malc Ontent
“Please Eat Tons (of) Apples”
Prodigality Stevens
“Please Elect Truss Again”
Stayson Barnyard
“Politeness Engenders Tons (of) Approbation”
” Deeon Maxley
“Protesters Enjoy Talking Apocalypse”
Semi Lina

Normality we don’t need
The Clarity Industry is revving back up to full blast as the nation recovers from a change of monarch.
   Demands for clarity are flying right, left and centre with increasing frequency as mainly politically motivated stooges try to get themselves noticed again.

Putin the ‘ham’ into Sham
Sirk Reepy Smarmer is continuing Labour's politics of envy @ his conference is Scouseland and still juggling green bollocks. "Let us not forget he's a barrister turned politician, which means that he will say whatever gives him a payday. And if he pretends to believe it, it's just a hollow sham."
“Rich people are not complete mugs. They notice it when they're not going to get much of a return on their capital and their efforts, and take them elsewhere. They won't just let a Labour gang of scroungers nick their wealth to give it to Labour's mates.” King Pin

Queen by any means
Following Putin the Poisoner's attempts to annex areas of Ukraine with gun-point referendums, there is speculation that Wee Burney is hoping to get Putrid to organize a referendum that will make Scotland part of Greater Putridstan for a token period.
   The country will then be granted independence in return for a suitable bribe. A castle as a refuge for Putrid before his enemies can write him off is one possibility.
   Giving him Edinburgh Castle has not yet been ruled out as there is talk of making Glasgow, Scotland's major city, the capital of an independent again Scotland as a clean break with the past.

The Turkish president, who has been having chats with him, is hinting that he can get Putrid out of Ukraine by diplomatic means. If he gets a big enuff bung from the EFU.
“Maybe he can talk to the Ayatollah BunchaCommies in Iran. 35 dead after protesting against the death of a young woman who didn't survive custody at the hands of the Morality Police.” Anne O'Raq

FNF: The TigerCats in Montréal
The Alberts had Davis on for a 3rd & 1 right away. And again; but punted at midfield. The Cats started at their 5 and reached FG range at the start of Q2. On to a TD for Hills, 7-0. A bad snap held the Als to a FG after 12 minutes. One by the Cats, 10-3 at half time.
   The Als kicked a long FG in Q3. A shorter one for the TC, 13-6. Harris to Lewis for a TD, the PAT hit the post, 13-12 in the 11th minute. The Als grabbed a tipped pass and started Q4 at the TC 4. A second down pass hit the crossbar of the goalpost, FG, 13-15.
   Lotz of defence. A TC challenge for DPI worked and they went on to a FG with 4 minutes to go and 16-15 up. The Als reached the TC I, Lewis again with a TD, +2 pass to White, 16-23, 1:42 left. A fumble with the player's knee inches from the turf went to the Als, Davis on for 3rd & inches then Victory Formation.

Having it both ways, as usual
Labour & the Trivials are claiming that not having a trade deal with the Untied States is a BAD THING. But they've also been telling us that having a trade deal with the US is a BAD THING.
   Why? ‘Coz everyone will be force-fed with chlorinate chicken and turn into something looking like Frank N. Stein's monster. Which Xplains why no one with more than 2 brain cells to rub together ever takes Sir Smarmer and his kreepy kohorts seriously.
   Even worser, we have a trade surplus with the US and a deal is not an immediate imperative for the UK and, curiously, Creaky Joe doesn't have one with the EFU, which he is insisting we have to rejoin or else. No wonder characters of his ilk are called the Ludicrous Left.

SNF 1: Dark but not raining!
The scoreboard operator had nowt to do in Q1 of the Argos in the nation's capital. A FG by the RBs opened Q2. The Argos got close but B-T was picked off in the goal. His defence put him back on the field right away with a pick, TD for big, tough, running back 34, +2, 8-3.
   A penalty held the RBs to a FG and 8-6. On for the TA with a couple of minutes left, 11-6. A challenge got the RBs to midfield but Arbuckle was picked. 54 yards for Daniels to the RB 21, TD for Gittins, who's from Ottawa, 18-6.
   Evans replaced Arbuckle in Q3. The Argos survived a fumble when B-T was sacked and punted. The RBs kicked a FG in the 10th minute, 18-9. A long FG try by the Argos missed and was returned; only to be fumbled back to them at the RB 8! 3rd down @ the 1. Oh, yeah! Sneak to one side of the scrum by Kelly, 25-9.
   Q4 started with another TA pick; by McManis. TD for Ambles, the PAT was a bad miss, 31-9. A pick-6 by Carnell made it 38-9. A pick-6 by Edwards off a tipped pass took the Argos to 41 points from turnovers and 45-9. The RBs did a charge from the TA 1, TD, no +2 and 45-15 was as close as they could get.

Doctors demanding £250/hour for working overtime demonstrates that loot is always what trade unionists are after, no matter how worthy the noises they make about and compassion and care for others.
“The way things are going, doctors are going to end up as hated & held in contempt as politicians & the legal trade.” Field Gasp
“The way things are going, all the sick people are going to die for lack of treatment and the doctors will find themselves out of a job and social outcasts.” Formy Kasid
“This certainly puts the kybosh on the hypocritical oath & similar BS, and files doctors in the same strike-happy box as dockers & train drivers. Care & compassion only for their bank balances.” Inability Brown
“When did the rot set in? 2004. Something else we have to thank new bloody labour and tony b. liar for.” Model Holmes

50 Ukrainians + Allies = 200 Putinstanis
Saudi diplomats attempting some damaged image repair are getting the credit for rescuing 5 British men from homicidal pro-Putrid stooges in occupied areas of Ukraine along with 5 others of assorted nationality.
   Another captured Brit, a diabetic, was allowed to die in July when his personal supply of medication ran out.
   The credit for the diplomatic effort is being directed @ Saudi honcho MbS, who remains notorious for having the dissenter journalist J. Khashoggi hacked to pieces in the Saudi consulate in Istanbul in October 2018.

Yes, they are gunpoint referendums in occupied Ukraine if Putinstani troops are going round checking & collecting the ballot papers.
That's the way things are done in areas Putrid wants.

Putinstan is now doing a replay of the Vietnam years in the US with men of conscription age nipping over the border to Finland and anywhere else that will have them; just as Yanks used to dash to Canada in the good old daze.

Turkey's airline is making a bomb out of the exodus after doubling ticket prices.

The Welsh regime (Labour) wants a tourism tax to keep tourists out of their territory. Sounds a little more socially acceptable than setting fire to holiday homes.

SNF 2: The Stampeders in Vancouver
A trick kick off by the Stamps put them on course to a missed FG try. One in the 11th minute worked, 3-0. Lotz of defence into Q2. Finally, a CS FG in the 11th minute, 6-0. The Stamps reached the BC 3 in the 13th minute, TD, no +2, 12-0. No pictures!!
   Nearly a TD for the CS in Q3, FG instead, 15-0. Same story for BC in the last minute, 15-3. Another FG for the Stamps in Q4, 18-3. A dogged TD run by Logan put them 25-3 ahead. The Lions scored a cosmetic TD in the last minute and +2, 25-11 final. Wot went wrong for the Lions?

Oxford U. Has banned the word ‘Oriental' on wonk grounds, claiming that it involves directionalism based on Europe, which is as bad as rachelism and all the other bad isms.
“Occidental for the chop too?” Crystal Dilithium

According to the medical establishment, comparing the performance of GP practices is like comparing apples with pears and doing it will only demoralize underachievers.

A survey of poor people has revealed that all but a handful of them think the rich should give them more money, whether or not they deserve it.

“It's all very well, the BierBC rounding up gangs of people to object to what the government is doing/planning. But there will always be people who object. We know that. The BierBC knows that. And so does everyone else. Which makes what the BierBC is doing to fill time between its internal adverts just pointless going through the motions. Something that everyone knows will achieve nothing.” Arnie Pencil
“It's true. There's always going to be someone; or a gang of bods; willing to moan that someone else has got something and they're not being allowed to shove a hand into the other person's pocket.” Sella Guerre

Grudgedown in Miami
Good effort by the Dolphins but the Bills scored a 4th down TD. The MD caused a fumble in the 10th minute and got the ball at the BB 6. TD, 7-all. The Bills went a TD ahead 3 minutes in to Q2. The Fins got to the red zone, 14-all. Their QB was dinged foully at the end of the half.
   The Bills went ahead with a FG in Q3. They got close in Q4 but missed a FG try. A TD after 5 minutes put the Dolphins 17-21 up. The Bills were at the MD 2 when a 4th down pass hit the ground instead of the receiver. Duh!
   A boot from the MD end zone on 4th & 11 hit the ass of a Dolphin for a safety. 19-21 with a minute & change left. The Bills were then defended to a standstill and 0:00 on the clock. Not their usual wipeout in Miami this time around.

Battle of the Bays: another episode
The Bucs opened the scoring with a FG, Green Bay replied with a TD, 7-3. They got to & goal in Q2, TD for Lazard, 14-3.. The Pack were back again as the half ran out but fumbled the ball to the Bucs in their goal. Tampa Bay were getting close to scoring but GB forced a fumble to themselves.
   Another fumble to GB in Q3 was cancelled by an interception by the Bucs. TB kicked a FG in the 9th minute, 14-6. Lots of defence to almost the end. GB were done for DPI, which helped the Bucs to the GB 3 with 26 seconds left. TD, 14-12, no +2. Tampa Bay lose.

Attention ludicrous leftie DoomBuggers who claim the £ is collapsing against the $. The £ is staying the same, e.g. against the €. What is happening is that the $ is rising. The Yanks are creating the change, not us.

DodgyCargate refuses to go away. As does the Dodgy Cars Bloke.
RMT Union claims to have put railways into crisis and driven several train operating companies to point of collapse.
The Australiens are just a few snootfuls away from claiming the world crown as the country with the most prolific drug use on The Planet.
The president of the World Bank is refusing to resign after declining an opportunity to get involved in the not-so-great gorbal warmage swindle.
"Queen Elizabeth was the greatest monarch in the history of the theatre," sez Sirk Reepy Smarmer.
[Lapse of attention possible. Ed.]

Unlock cash from your Garden Shed
We have the answers to ALL your questions
++ No Risk ++ Everyone Wins ++
Emitru Associates, Block 2 Romiley Trading Estate

Q: Were the Royals wrong not to let ex-prince Hairy dress up as a soldier on Funeral Monday and will they regret it?
A: They knew that whatever they did, he'd resume whinge mode & behaving badly when he got back to California and therefore it didn't matter what they did.

Attention people moaning about spectators on Funeral Monday holding up a phone and not bowing their head. That was the whole point of getting a view of the funeral procession; to photograph it. Duh.

MNF: The Cowboys in New Jersey
The Cowboys punted, then enjoyed the first sack. The Giants kept going to a blocked FG try. The Cowboys did better after 13 minutes, the Giants got level in Q2, 3-all. Another FG for DC made it 6-3 at half time.
   The NJG got level in Q3, then a 36-yard run by Barkley scored the first TD, 6-13. That woke up the Dallas offence, 13-all in the last minute of the quarter. The Cowboys went ahead with a TD in Q4 and added a FG after 9 minutes. 23-13.
   A long FG for the Giants got them to 23-16 with 3:37 to go. The Cowboys punted but a pick with 1:09 left sealed their win. The laundry bill for the flags used in this divisional clash will be HUGE!

Urgent Public Warning
Do you want to be invaded by Putinstani meerkats? Don't encourage them! Stay well clear of their website. You kno this makes sense.

“Wot a laugh. The SNP moochers moaning about how much the House of Frauds members are paid. Do we think Burney's Brigade do anything worth what they cop for? Nope.” P.H. Uknose
“Wot another laugh. Sir Smarmer planning to cancel the Frauds to get SNP support for an anti-Tory coalition.” Budget Wasp

Q: What's the latest emergency in Scotlandland?
A: Litter. It's everywhere. The natives won't stop dropping it and local councils can't be bothered to clear it up.

NASA Dart bashes a steroid
The Double Asteroid Redirection Test is a space mission aimed at testing a method of planetary defence against near-Earth objects; mainly asteroids in an orbit that crosses the Earth's.
   Basically, it involved clobbering an asteroid on a collision course with The Planet early enough to alter its orbit to prevent a collision.
   NASA launched a 570 kg vehicle 10 months ago. This month, it was successfully crashed into a tiny asteroid called Dimorphos; at a cost of $313.9 million; as a small first step in protecting The Planet from bigger space rocks & comets.

WEEK 5    Putin the ‘rat’ into aberration

 
Worthless is as worthless does
The Smarmer re-tax plan has been dismissed as ludicrous, cosmetic & petty. But what else would you Xpect from a labour party trying to warm its fists in the taxpayer's pockets?
right Labour's new image—the cycle of stagnation, don't go nowhere nor do nuffink.
“The really sickening thing is that Sir Reepy has wasted a ton of our money to come up with his ludicrous plan to end fossil fuel use by 2030.” Darnold Buck

++ Tories going for Growth ++ Labour opposed ++ Labour going for more Stagnation? ++ Angular Robot being positioned as Face of Stagnation ++ Sir Smarmer being positioned as 2nd coming of t.b. liar ++

Invisibility is next to godliness
The Church of Scotland is shrinking its footprint to match its customer base, and making millions from selling off unused and other surplus properties.

Sherie’s Conference RoundUp
“What's that, up in the sky? Oh, look! It's a Smarmer pie!” Bengal Evans
“Arivel, Brivel, Crivel. Then there's the one Smarmer does: Drivel.” Boot McGoot
“That what he need to be—de-rivelled. Can't see it happening, though.” Furz Ackerley
“Labour is in real trouble if Jonah Burnham, Manchester's cosmetic clown of a mayor, is seen as a Party Heavyweight and Person of Importance.” Labi Rinth

Totally wrecked
Scotland has reached a blight threshold as far as installing even more wind turbines is concerned. There are now so many of them that environmental groups which protect wilderness areas feel there is no point in raising objections as nowhere is wild any more.

Ludicrous lefties have accused the RAF of using stealth aircraft to spray fine water droplets to create the ‘miraculous' rainbows seen over Balmoral and London after Queen Elizabeth died.
“An essential part of Queen Elizabeth's legacy has to be the way she upset Pollen Tonybee and her ludicrous leftie ilk just by being a successful head of state.” Prim Sundae

DodgyCargate is still with us.

Nothing else works, why should this?
Information poverty and ability poverty are preventing the regime in Wee Burneystan from confecting fuel poverty statistics based on the entirely arbitrary level of 10% of income.
   The official target is 35.9% of the nation's 2,510,000 households to be in fuel poverty but nothing is Xpected from the SNP gang in the way of a number before next February. If then.
“As long as the confecters continue to keep their mitts warm in the taxpayer's pocket, they won't be that bothered.” Rah Beenood

New bloody labour's anti-Britisch ban on new grammar schools is to be cancelled.

One leg or two?
Russian women have an interesting counter to Putrid the Poisoner's call-up for the war he's lost in Ukraine—a threat to break their husband's bones to make the bloke unfit for military service!

President Creaky Joe has cancelled the term ‘special relationship' for the duration of his term in office. He is too pro-IRA and too pro shoving the UK back into the EFU to have more than the bare minimum of relations with the UK.

Further proof that Labour is pro-Putrid and anti-Britisch—they want to deny us the £4,000 BILLION that hydraulic fraking for natural gas would provide.
   Apart from the trade unions whose members will make dosh out of fraking, of course.
“Earthquakes that can be detected only by sensitive instruments and not by ‘uman beanz DO NOT impress Romiley's earthquake survivors.” Fran Tastiq

Oftwat is advocating selective water charging according to the season and according to the amount consumed. Which is just an attempt at universal meterage by the back passage.
“That's really going to impact people who have takeaway food delivered to their jackhughsie. Can't afford the water as well as the heating? Definitely can't afford takeaways.” Bradley Lunch

Fraking could be producing gas here by Xmas if given an immediate go-ahead.

The Labour conference in Liverpool is trying to confect an economic egermency after trying to wrap itself in the Union flag & playing the national anthem instead of the Red Flag. No one in the real world is fooled, however.
“Labour's royalism U-turn produced empty seats @ the conference and needed lyric sheets for those who don't know the national anthem There's convincing, and there's what Smarmer's mob does.” Lemon Pencil

Let the lights go out
++ Corporal Snoozefest's plan to bin fossil fuels by 2030 collapses into chaos and recriminations ++ "Totally unworkable" say Xperts ++

Another Little Known Fact:
The supermarket chain Aldi is named after Alfons the Dinosaur, a popular German cartoon character.

Guilt & Grossness
Cambridge U. is to give students of colour an unfair advantage because some of the previous proprietors made a profit out of the slave trade and that's making some of the current bunch feel guilty.
   Natch, there is no question of the of colour beneficiaries being required to prove definite disadvantage relating to the slave trade for their genuine ancestors. That would be asking far too much and reduce the artificial moral glow created by sticking it to white male potential students even more.

Q: What's a good way to upset the Spanish?
A: Take a selfie whilst scoffing a paella sandwich and put in on the interweb. It has worked marvellously for the last decade.

Dreadful bargain
The money wasted on hotels for bogus asylum seekers would pay the annual salaries of 38,263 NHS nurses. Were they available to be employed here in the UK.

Catholics have successfully outbred Protestants in Northern Ireland. But this should not be taken as an assumption that all of them want the IRA in charge.

Reality has caught up with Liverpool's docks. Now that the dockers have downed tools on a fairly permanent basis, the area is to be redeveloped as places to hold parties, an industry which is already established and eager to Xpand in an era of growth.

Q: Why did the EFU cap bankers' bonuses?
A: To make the UK a less competitive place to do business and to benefit mainland EFU nations.

All flash & no substance
Attention-seeking econuts are trying to copy the tactics of self-immolating Asians. But to a very limited Xtent. Instead of drenching themselves in petrol and Xpiring as a ‘uman barbeque, they use special effects technology to start a small fire on an arm, which looks dramatic but does them no damage at all. Attention sought & achieved, though.

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true. BFN is recognized as a premiere class observational blog and a multiple winner of the OB of the Year award.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, September MM22 like anyone cares.