Q: Is reducing the carbon footprint of wine containers by switching from glass bottles to paper & plastic going to save The Planet?
A: Is stepping on an ant going to do any damage to an elephant standing next to it?
Jet skis are going to have to have a number plate so that scumbags who use them to assault & massacre wildlife can be identified and prosecuted.
Journalists @ the BBC are concerned by the number of MPs with journalistic training in the corridors of power. Journos, the Beeb guys would have us believe, are in permanent exaggeration mode and the Beeb guys are worried about competition from the Palace of Westmonster making them have to work a lot harder to remain the top exaggerators and crisis 'wet hens'.
Q: What do you get if you collected a 9-year prison sentence for attempting a £72 million cash fraud?
A: A change of name to something more dynamic once you're out of clink and a job in another part of the financial sector pointing people @ cryptocurrencies.
Upsetting the skivers
Sir Kreepy Steamer has made himself unpopular with some of the Labour party's trade union paymasters by telling them that they are wrong to oppose testing for the Chinese plague for really essential workers as an alternative to letting them do Skiving @ Home.
Bad news for binmen, especially the ones in Liverpoolthey're included in the ranks of essential workers and Skiving @ Home is off the menu for them. Still, the fresh outside air will do them some good but let us hope it doesn't rain on them too much.
Q: Why is no one using the temperature difference between the surface and the depths of old deep mine workings to generate acarbonic electricity?
A: Probably much too radical a concept.
If the anti-vaxxers are right, we need to be offering Big Thanks to the CIA for coming up with a way to reduce the human population of our over-crowded planet by 50% over a 5-year period by creating the Chinese plague and offering lethal vaccines for it.
“And blowing a loud raspberry @ Putinstan and the KGB for failing humanity by not doing it?” Imogine Kahr
Council staff, including the ones on pingcation, are outraged by the Home Sec.'s threat to make yobs clean up their locality and go on litter patrol.
They see it as a threat to their jobs. Worse, there is the potential for unfavourable comparisons if the yobs do a better job and the potential for humiliation if the public assumes that council employees are just yobs on workcation and threat them as such.
Sounds of a barrel being scraped if a BIG story from the Olympics is that some blokes on the socalled meeja don't think women should be allowed to have short hair.
“Still, it puts the whole Olympics thing in its proper place in the importance spectrum.” Glenda Vehicle
Sirk Reepy is moving toward support for vaccine passports, so that's him doomed as far as support from the looney left is concerned.
“This is the same Sirk Reepy who was predicting 100,000 new cases per day of the Chinese plague after the Doombuggers told him it would be a good way to be seen to be going in the opposite direction from President Boris?” Roman Ackley
Little John, the People's Guru, thinks Vajid Javid, the current Health Sec., should have grown a set and told the twits on Twatter to Foxtrot Oscar over his use of the term cower from the Chinese plague. But expecting a politician to have a sense of proportion when Those People are snapping at his heels is a big ask.
Get a couple of hot days and a bit of rain and the drama queens @ the Met Office go into meltdown & full Doombugger mode. Eminently predictable. Yawn.
The doctors' trade union is trying to get NHS consultants to behave like proper trade union stooges and go on strike over their 3% pay award.
Took them long enough but the government people responsible are finally making moves to keep Chinese interests uninvolved in our new nuclear power stations. Which might even keep the lights on if they are ever built.
Today’s “English As It Is Spoke” masterclass:
"Lesson" is two below "Moron"
“The biggest advantage of having someone like D. Trump as your president is that he isn't loaded down with a ton of political baggage and countless obligations like, say, Sleepy Joe, and there are more occasions when he can do the odd bit of honest brokerage because no political self-interest or pressure is involved.” Hella Barg
“What Xactly is wrong with discrimination? Personal choice? Choosing what you think is good and worth having? Other people might value things that I don't, but so bloody what? I see no reason why I should let the lack of taste of other people rule my life.” Joel Wineglass
“Looks like having some mental 'elf issues is becoming the new normal alibi. You want the attention but you're no longer prepared to make the effort to get it. So you play the 'poor little stinker' card, become a victim and say you need to focus on your mental 'elf and wellbeing. Cute.” Bukka Tea
Took them long enough
Former government bigwig and sometime Health Sec. K. Clarke has upset the legal trade mightily by refusing to grovel @ the inquiry into the tainted blood products which were imported from the US by the NHS in the 1980s and caused death & damage to people who received them.
His refusal to grovel over matters in which he had no involvement really got up the legal noses. As did batting back questions which were irrelevant to his testimony and his past responsibilities.
20th century robustness vs the 21st century search for wet wimpery. An easy victory.
Wee Burneystan is continuing to set world record death rates for deaths due to the consumption of illegal drugs. The current rate is 3.5 times that for the whole of the UK.
Poverty due to austerity imposed by the government in England is a main alibi, but it fails to explain how penniless customers can afford to buy enough of expensive drugs to kill themselves.
“Has Sir Kreepy turned into a lobster? He was looking very boiled when he was doing a rant on TV the other night in search of recognition & adoration by the masses.” Vosyem Gai
Today's pronouns: Igor & Natalie
Lorry-trams on motorways taking power from overhead cables with a gantry like the ones on electric trains are the next BIG idea for pretending we have the power to freeze the world. Trolley buses back in Manchester after they were binned half a century or so ago?
[55 years ago, Ed.]
To be bluntit’s all bloody backwards
When it comes to the green bollocks agenda, we shouldn't be trying to set examples to the rest of the worldfor two excellent reasons. 1. Whatever we do will make no detectable difference to the climate on The Planet, and 2. There is no reason why anyone else should follow our virtue-flagging example if it can't be shown to be making a difference.
No, the countries producing most of the allegedly criminal gas carbon dioxide should be taking the lead and setting any examples. And if what they do creates a wonderful new climate, maybe we'll follow their leadstrictly for cosmetic purposes and virtue flag-waving as nothing we do will make any real difference.
And if all the efforts of the BIG players achieves the square root of bugger all, we'll let them have the pleasure of lynching all The Planet's greenbugger grotters who caused them so much bother.
“The Equalities Mob wants employers to be 'proportionate' and 'non-discriminatory' over telling people 'no jab, no job'. What a load of waste-of-time bollocks. Get the Guinness Book of Records on the phone for another pointlessness winner.” Pin Gimplant
“When in doubt, say nowt could be modified to 'When you have nothing useful to contribute, shut up'. And it's as likely to be ignored as the original.” Amin Barast
The Welsh slate quarry which UNESCO is promoting to a World Heritage site is officially as good as Machu Pichu, which saves all the bother & expense of a trip to Peru.
Q: Could Northern accents fade away before 2066 to be replaced by soft Southern word-mangles?
A: Totally daft idea. Just a bit of academic 'What can we do to put out a paper and get ourselves noticed?' stuff.
“There'd be a whole gang of preservation societies keeping regional variation alive, as for regional languages like Manx & Cornish & Welsh.” Bakter Real
“The legal trade might have the hump big time but Lord Clarke is right to tell them that expecting people to recall who said what to whom in the 1980s is absurd. Spending time trying (and failing) to browbeat him just to shove cash into the pockets of the legal trade is of no benefit to the people coughing it up. [taxpayers, Ed.] Same old, same old.” Snope Lau
“The big flaw with this pie in the sky political waffle about putting chain gangs of criminal on clean-up duty is that the cheekier ones will go and stand next to the copperalso in a hi-viz jacketwho is supposed to be supervising the BGs and enjoy a skive because no one will be able to tell the difference.” Vin Aghar
“Something to make you think is realizing that if Jim Morrison hadn't croaked 50 years ago, he's be as old as you, pretty much.” Jonqil Deppa
Made for life
The Doombuggers are claiming that the impact of man-made gorbal warmage will last for a very, very, very long time. Which sounds like a wonderful alibi for all the fraudsters, who are claiming that if enough dosh is hurled in their direction, they can save The Planet.
If nothing happens as a result of all their scams within a decade or three, that's okay because getting to a new normal paradise is a very long haul and by the way, can the scammers have a lot more cash, please?
Sticking pronouns after one's name at the end of an email is the equivalent of doing the Knee of Shame and pandering to a repellent cause. Organizations which oblige their minions to do this need to be mocked constantly and mercilessly.
“Not being obliged to be a pronoun pratt has to be a basic 'uman bluddy right.” Jonqil Deppa
“A female Crumpled of the Bailey, like a black or female James Bond, is someone looking for a free ride on the back of someone else's efforts and to condemned vigorously.” Roe Inabote
Red Bull Racing has managed to nark the F1A to the max with its whinges about the driving of Louis Sam Milton as it has been interpreted as casting aspersions on the integrity of the Formula One stewards. Especially as their 'victim' has acquired the nickname Mad Max from his standard of driving.
Q: Is pregnant again Scary Carrie setting herself up as the British counterpart to Mhegan the Merciless?
A: No doubt President Boris would be glad to go along with it if it brings in enough dosh to keep up with Scary's lifestyle requirements.
Is cannibalism a routine part of pro-rugby now? There seems to be a lot of snacking in the scrum going on in the current test series against Sarf Efrica.
Murky Air Turbulence
The Scittish government has been accused of trying to extort £8 MILLION from ScottishPower as the price of removing an objection from Prestwick airport (run by the government of Wee Burneystan) to a proposed wind farm sited 30 miles away.
The operators of the wind farm have already provided the airport with the cash for a brand new radar system which won't be affected by radar noise from the wind farm. But Wee Burney's Bandits are demanding that ScottishPower coughs up as much as the bandits demand over the next 25 years and keep quiet about how much ransom is paid at each mugging.
Prestwick airport is a decaying, loss-making shambles and that is why Wee Burney's Bandits are trying to extort cash from non-flying sourcesto pretend that they are running the airport profitably.
“In other words, it's a stealth tax on electricity consumers, including all the poor people Wee Burney sheds crocodile tears over, rather than a tax on the people using the airport.” Olver Plachto
“Is there a Shouty Bloke Academy where wonks go to learn how to fake a frenzy of excitement to make TV viewers think something amazing is happening in front of them, even if it's not apparent to the viewers? There must be.” Eve Hoe
£600,000 for digital vaccine passports read the headline. Crumbs! Who can afford that if they're made compulsory? Only pop stars and leagle beagles like Sirk Reepy.
No way out
An SNP MP has an intractable problem. The party has a complaints officer but he has a history of trolling her. Which leaves her with no one to complain to about his antisocial behaviour.
No surprise that the BLAME Bunchers are blaming the Untied States for the disaster zone created in Cuba by the jobs-for-life communist regime.
But even President Creaky Joe can see that the Cuban pillocracy is a bad idea. Not much sign of Putinstan and America's enemies in South America helping out, though.
Is there a river flowing through your garden? No? No excuse, get one. Everywhere has to become beaver habitat, the rewilders are demanding.
Nothing works in Scotland and the country is going downhill even faster than ever thanks to devolution a couple of decades ago. Why? Because the nation's politicians are uniformly crap, an in-depth evaluation has found.
[And the trade unions aren't much help. Ed.]
Q: Would sending an American president into space, e.g. Creaky Joe, rekindle the spirit of adventure across the pond?
A: No doubt the PR guys would claim it had if it happened. But who believes PR puff?
Amazonian rocketman J.B. Zos has lucked out in an attempt to crash the NASA/SpaceX plan to put astronauts on the Moon again. NASA is short of cash, it can afford only one sub-contractor and Marsman Musk's outfit offered the best deal and a convincing track record of spaceflight competence.
The Home Office/Border Farce installation of boats used by illegal immigrants to cross the Channel, most with the help of the Border Farce, is growing nicely in a Dover warehouse.
Just So You Know: It is 56 years since Frank Herbert's landmark novel Dune was serialized in Analog SF, the former Astounding. Well worth a read. 20 publishers rejected what is the world's best-selling SF novel, so what do they know? And there are 5 sequels plus prequels and postquels by other authors, including Brian Herbert, the author's son.
Q: 25 GB (Great Britain?)is that enuff?
A: Sure, it is.
Not exactly a meeting of minds . . .
Wee Bee: "I kind of communicate at a level where I assume a certain level of intelligence."
Big Boris: "At the level of an IQ in low double figures, like your own, First Meenister?"
Minion: Where can we dump the blame for this one? Is this a bugakrath or an isogarn?
Wee Bee: Er, I'll get back to you on that one.
Canadian Crunch is back tonite with a replay of the 2019 Grey Cup match between the Hamilton Tigercats and the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. Yeeey!
Real shame about last year's season. We really missed them.
New Normal alibi deployed
The Turkish government isn't blaming the country's destructive wildfires on its failure to manage its environment. Oh, no, it's down to gorbal warmage and therefore nothing to do with the regime.
Vaccine passports are now the Issue of Choice for those looking for something to moan about 'coz they have nothing better, or constructive, to do.
Hazard of the trade
Q: Is the entire nation outraged that the BBC isn't showing wall to wall live coverage of everything to do with the Olympics?
“Well beyond tiresome”
Oh, dear! That's the verdict on the scripting antics inflicted on Dr. Who. Changing the sex of the lead character and adding wonk, Remoaner & PC story lines has sent the once watchable SF epic into terminal decline and reduced its viewing figures to a negligible rump.
A wonky Canadian foodista is claiming that teaching kids to use a knife & fork @ mealtimes is rachelist and a celebration of colonialism, and everyone should bin thousands of years of civilization and eat with their fingers..
This is something out of the same box as Leeds council trying to get parkin banned 'coz of confected links to the slave trade centuries ago.
Q: What's a good way to upset our enemy across the Channel?
A: Put France on the amber travel list 'coz of an outbreak of the Chinese plague on the island of Reunion, 6,000 miles away in the Indian Ocean.
"What did he know?"something to put on the tombstone of the recently deceased former Olympic athlete who said, "But you can't even write your own name." when fellow athlete Jeffrey Archer announced that he planned to write a best-seller.
Vines in the Champagne growing region are to be moved from 5 feet apart to 7 feet apart. This will save The Planet from gorbal warmage. Right.
It's all very well for the pontificators to tell us that a civilized society has to believe in rehabilitation of criminals but there is abundant evidence that what is being done doesn't work for most of them.
Sticking them in a chain gang might do a bit of good at best. At worst, it will keep the BGs away from their criminal activities for a while.
“Unless they criminalize doubly when they've finished ganging to make up for lost time.” Open Zashlogal
“Exile works rather well with the truly incorrigible.” C4 Lookin
The RNLI is losing vast amounts of donation cash through its support for the Border Farce policy of assisting the importation of illegal immigrants from across the Channel.
“Speedster Mad Max's problem is he thinks it's all about him and finding out that it isn't is bending him out of shape painfully.” Zuta Law
Sporting coaches everywhere and for every sport are having a thin time of things now. They are used to being raving tyrants and storming monsters, who bully their charges mercilessly.
But now, in the era of the mental 'elf, their victims are striking back and demanding no more of it. Or they won't come out and play 'coz they just can't take it any more.
“Whatever happened to the rogue apostrophe? We're getting really desperate to see headlines about Summer Holiday's, Plague Hotspot's and the like.” A.L.M.
Nope, you can’t win
Oh, no! The company has spent a fortune on perspex screens for the workplace but now the Xperts are rubbishing them.
They have no effect on plague droplet transmission between safely spaced workers and they disrupt air-flow and ventilation, and make the workplace an even more dangerous place to be.
Hancock's Half Hour is going through a period of ritual humiliation, which is seen as a necessary accessory to rehabilitating himself as a potential minister for something or other.
The eastern arm of H2S from Birmingham to Leeds is being binned as unaffordable and incompatible with the new normal of Shirk @ Home and video conferences.
“Are there actually any shouty blokes or is it all done by computers these days? Because the commentators all sound exactly the same; be it doing the Olympics, Formula One or something else, on the Beeb or another sports channel; when they work themselves into an artificial frenzy at the end of an event.” Moth Darnold
Dockson of Dick Green to be rehabbed?
Those who hold public servants to account are having such a sustained go at the failed head of the Metropolitan Police that she is in serious danger of being able to play the poor little stinker card and retire in a huff with generous benefits instead of being ditched. But probably not with the thanks of a grateful nation.
“When you're totally crapespecially @ covering up disasters if you keep on being found outand you're overpaid out of the public purse to boot, and people keep on getting on your case about it, that is definitely the time to play the poor little stinker card and hope enuff idiots who matter fall for it.” Prah Gnatic
There are weirdos about who are actually claiming that getting a dose of the Chinese plague is a 'uman bluddy right!
Anyone surprised? No?
Any cause, no matter how repellant or just plain daft, will always attract a fan base. As a contemporary example, you only have to think of the BLAME Bunchers, who want to abolish the police to give criminals a free ride and abolish wealth-creation, but who brought the likes of Sirk Reepy to their knees.
The Tory party is about to make a northward move. It stands to lose soft Southern seats to Labour in the next election and win seats from Labour in areas of the North with a bit of self-respect.
After it was revealed that President Boris is getting Dippy the dog neutered to stop him from humping everything in sight, there is speculation that Scary Carrie might have the same in mind for BoJo.
“Maybe if slandering dead but worthy people, e.g. G. Chaucer, were to be made a criminal offence with a whole-tariff 10-year gaol sentence as the penalty, that would protect their reputation from the ministrations of wonk academics doing a 'look at me' episode.” Bay Cananeg
“The boss of Red Bull Racing has as good as admitted that all the wailing about Louie Sam Milton's driving in the British GP was nothing personal, it was just a routine attempt to put him off his game. The politics of sport and playing the poor little stinker card for their driver. the notorious Mad Max, to the limit & beyond.” Chris P. Rhat
“Cue Louie Sam Milton striking back with the same tactic and worrying that he is a poor little stinker who has long covid because he was totally shagged out and dehydrated after a long and active Hungarian GP.” Noel Condemn
Words in Politics: Transparency
The Opposition is demanding that the government reveals a working method which they would never dream of sharing when in power for the sake of being seen to hold the government to account, even if it isn't achieving anything useful because the Opposition is just playing politics.
Coming to a cinema near you . . .
Starring Professor C. Whitty and a cast of hundreds of thousands
Yep, it’s deferably back!
Hoist the Grey Cup flag, something a year overdue, and get 2 really fat Mounties to haul the cup onto the field. The Cats, way out west in Winnipeg, got a TD from their opening drive. The Bombers went 2 & out twice. Then they launched a TD drive, 6-7.
The Bombers did nothing with a pick by Jefferson in Q2. Mr. Collards did a hell of a lot of running about in the first half, and fired another end zone TD pass for 6-14 at half time.
Another sack for the Cats in Q3 but no sign of any more points. Masoli ate some turf and the Cats gave up a safety instead of punting from their end zone, 6-16 after 7 minutes.
The Bombers were held to a FG half-way through Q4, 6-19. A minute & change left and the Cats needing two TDs. A pick by the Bombers, game over.
Q: If the PM does a double U-turn, doesn't that mean he's still going in his original direction?
A: Not if he's driving 2 separate vehicles simultaneously and they both do a U-ey.
Cancel Everything & Everyone?
The anti-white, anti-male rachel-hate confecters of the vegan fad are trying to have it cancelled on the grounds that it is cultural appropriation of the diet of parts of Africa and Asia.
“An outfit so infested with poisonous weeds definitely needs to be sprayed with DDT and dumped in a deep, dark hole to rot away.” Katta Pilar
“Which will leave the leagle beagles weeping over the loss of another source of income from vexatious litigants.” Mompy Tissue
“Nothing like a good influx of vexatious minorities for killing something off.” Elsa Poppin
“Or leaving it to continue to thrive with normal people in charge if the trouble-confecters get the hump and sod off when they've had their publicity from a pointless whinge.” Walker Shoe
Q: What's the new normal conclusion from nobody in a workplace filing complaints about bullying and sexual harassment?
A: That everyone at minion level is living in a climate of fear and they're all too scared to complain.
“This is the repellent T. Watson Confection, Confection, Confection approach in his role of Nonce-Finder General? With the assistance of the gaoled fantasist 'Nick' Beech and a whole gang of boneheaded coppers.” Epi Sodit
“Assume the worst and you will always find plenty of idiots who believe it and who are willing to perjure themselves to build the fantasy. Don't you just love the new normal?” Gorrie Zontal
Chelsea tractor SUVs are responsible for a disproportionate number of road deaths as the driver feels invincible behind the wheel of one and takes less care with his/her driving. That's what the Xperts reckon, anyway.
Let us be clearPolice Scotland selecting the name Operation Bunter for a possible visit by President Boris to Wee Burney was nothing to do with his size. The name was cancelled because of its potential for shaming the fat-bellied coppers likely to be on guard duty with a gun and wearing an XXXXXLLL flak jacket.
Maybe, just maybe, police stop & searches are seen to be targetting particular groups of individuals because police records indicate that they are most likely to have their pockets stuff full of drugs and/or be carrying a concealed zombie knife.
Which means that appointing an oversight board is just chucking more taxpayers' money @ the legal trade uselessly. Same old, same old, in fact.
Q: Is there any point to a UK climate change tsarina [on £129K from the public purse, Ed.] who thinks cutting the UK's emissions of greenhouse gases to zero will change The Planet's climate?
A: None at all. Especially if she thinks the dippy Green party can save The Planet.
“She's in dead trouble for rubbishing the range of electric cars and saying she won't be getting one anytime soon.” Fromage Gravity
“Electric cars can actually travel quite a long way. As along as it's all downhill.” Onva Conse
The government is to blow £5 BILLION of taxpayers' money on getting everyone out in the sticks messing about in the internet instead of doing anything useful.
Q: What is a severe hazard for a milkman doing deliveries in County Durham?
A: Being busted by stoopid coppers, who assume that someone driving around so early in the morning has to be a burglar.
Wonks begin to tremble! There is at least one judge in the court system who is not too old and too dotty to fail to toss a compenbloodysation case brought by someone who takes offence too easily.
No lead is safe
The Roughriders motored to a 4 TD lead, the last from a pick-6, plus a FG at home against the Lions, who had a Mr. Rourke, a young Canadian, as QB in the first half. He came good at the end and the Lions scored a TD, but no +2, and a FG for 9-32.
Mike Reilly; now so venerable that he is Michael; started Q3 for the Lions. A safety, a TD and a FG try missed for a point got them to 23-32 with 3 minutes to go. Rourke had another go and fired another end zone pass for a TD. The convert missed, 29-33; miracle time. Not today, the on-side kick didn't work.
Dashing out to buy a hydrogen boiler to replace the gas boiler powering your central heating system? Be advised that the Xperts think it is 4x more likely to cause a devastating explosion than a gas boiler. The explosion will be 5x bigger than a gas explosion.
Cowes Week, the yachting jamboree on the Isle of Wight, has felt obliged to cancel its Ladies' Day for fear of upsetting wimmin who are not ladies.
The organizers came up with the alternative of Women's Day but that is under fire from 2 directionsfrom those who claim women deserve a lot more than one day and from those who are worried about upsetting people who aspire to womanhood but fail to make the grade.
The relentless march of science
Bad guys in search of a new face to escape their past will soon be able to have a new nose and a new set of ears made using a 3D printer and a printing medium brewed up from their own cells grown in a lab bioreactor.
“Sounds like good news for No Nose McGurk!” S. Ceptic
Q: What do you get if you phone a bank to report a fraud case?
A: A chance to be on hold for 7 hours and cop for a phone bill of 50 quid.
Which? has come up with a red, amber, green & green+ traffic light list for travel firms to warn customers about the spivs who will refuse to pay refunds to anyone who is inconveniently pinged.
Hooray! It's the Argos in Calgary, where the Stamps started 2 & out. A TD drive from the Argos in reply, with +2, 8-0. The 75-year-old Stamps started Q2 with a FG, 8-3. A 58 yard FG try by the Argos missed rather than falling short. The Stamps went ahead with a TD and +2, 8-11.
A blocked punt put the Stamps at the TA 19, FG, 8-14. Bebe kicked a 53 yard FG for 11-14; and missed a 28-yarder for 1 point. 12-14 at half time
Almost an Argos TD from the first play of Q3, but the Stamps forced a fumble into their end zone for a touch-back. The Stamps had a TD cancelled by a challenge and ended up with a FG, 12-17. And kicked another in Q4, 12-20. The Argos recovered a fumble at the CGY 27 and went on to a TD +2, 20-all with 8 minutes to go.
The Argos went ahead with a FG with 37 seconds left, 23-20. Mitchell's first play was picked. Game over. The Stampeders are now only 11-1 up in their series with the Argonauts.
The Institute for Government is complaining that President Boris ordered his minions not to create a plan for causing school chaos during the Chinese plague pandemic.
Fish Fungus Factory
Fish, especially the farmed variety, are next in line to be cancelled. Soon, the stuff of all fish fingers will be grown in laboratory bioreactors stuffed with fish cells and the fingers will be created using the increasingly ubiquitous 3D printer. Oh, joy!
A bit Xtreme, but one way out
The latest theory about sometime US president A. Lincoln is that he arranged his own assassination got get away from a wife who was a tiny shopaholic embezzler, who threw hot drinks at him and could clobber him hard enough to draw blood.
“Certainly sounds eminently reasonable!” X. Ponential
A judge has ruled that atheism has the same value of any set of religious beliefs and someone sacked for being an unashamed atheist is entitled to compenbloodysation. The legal trade is in raptures.
Pragmatic, or what?
The Belle Toit lighthouse @ Beachy head could be put on rollers to facilitate future rescue moves. The chalk cliff in front of it is crumbly and it had to be moved back from the approaching long drop 22 years ago. Another move is in the offing and it is not likely to be the last, hence the need for the rollers.
“If kids have a right to refuse to be vaccinated then schools have a right to treat them like lepers and segregate them as a danger to public health. 'Uman bluddy rights work both ways, not just to the advantage of the unworthy.” Nafia Falsehood
“Well, that's the theory anyway. but it doesn't always work out like that when the legal trade can scent a payday.” Preng Runcible
“Or multiple paydays, given a long, drawn-out appeal process.” Joy Ryder
A literal “Not Me, Gov”
The governor of New York is being positioned as a groper of mass destruction in an attempt to make the lacklustre Democrapic party look interesting.
He has responded to the charges with an assurance that the facts are much different than has been portrayed.
Q: Does the discovery that land agents in Mesopotamia were using triangles with sides in the ratio 3:4:5 to measure and compare land areas 1,000 to 1,300 years before Pythagoras came along invalidate his claim to fame?
A: Only to a newspaper journo. P's observation that the sum of the squares on the other 2 sides of a right-angle triangle are equal to the square on the hypotenuse is something completely separate from a surveying trick, which was something practical with no philosophical overtones.
30,000 exploding bottles of fizzy Highland water are to be thrown away. Defective glass in the bottles is being blamed for causing the hazard.
Tin hats out, everyone!
“Let us hope they are dumped somewhere where a good explosion will do a bit of good.” Hadda Nuff
“At the Gremlin? Next to some Talibandits?” Sue Preem
The Xperts are promising we won't need to do another locko this winter thanks to the vaccination programme. But flips could be flopped if the need arises.
“And the Xperts will claim that's what they were saying all along. As they do.” Nogul Which
Finally, the Redblacks in Edmonton
In the new normality, Eskimos, like Redskins, have been cancelled under the Unavailable Primitives Code.
Cue the Edmonton Antlers!
Close but just a FG for the Antlers to start, 0-3. Work for the punters, no damage from a pick of a pass by Harris but the RBs got level with a long FG after 13 minutes, 3-all. More for the punters. The RBs got cute with a kick return and hit the end zone; but their lateral went forward about a foot and they were sacked 2 & out. Harris had a long bomb cancelled by a penalty, punt. An exchange of FGs got the sides to 6-all. Time left for a 48-yard FG by Whyte, 6-9 at the half.
Whyte again to top off the 3rd quarter opener, 6-12. More work for the punters, Harris got away with another pick. The RBs kicked a FG in Q4 for 9-12, and took the lead when their defence ran back a tipped pass for a TD after 5 minutes. 16-12. More sacks, more punts, Harris was picked off again. The RBs ate clock, leaving the Antlers with 1:11 to go 82 yards for a TD.
A yard short @ 0:00 on the clock summed up the state of the offences on a day when it was all down to defence and special teams.
“If there are Auntlers, will there have to be Unclers on sex-equality grounds?” Kneil Sin
The EFU's leaders are being accused of killing everyone in Africa by rubbishing the AstraZeneca vaccine and turning Africans off something which could keep them alive. And we are so not surprised.
Sirk Reepy is offering a defiant message to the electorate. If the inhabitants of the UK want a non-Corbynstein Labour government, they will bloody well have to vote one in as he has no intention of forming a coalition with Wee Burney's SNP characters.
Wearing a face mask is a political statement and nothing to do with public health, a government Xpert reckons. As is usual with everything political, everyone has their own opinion of what the statement says.
Abroad? Ugh! Nasty!
Bills for quarantine stays in an 'orrible 'otel are Xpected to rise by 130% of the initial figure as a direct tax on those who are reckless enuff to go on holiday to somewhere crazy.
Q: Is there any point in sending British troops back to Afghanistan?
A: Only if you're in the business of postponing the inevitable pointlessly. The place is a dump and it should have a mile-high fence around it.
Q: How do you give the people-smuggling bad guys a Big Break?
A: Put Herr Rodhouse, the copper who bogged up confecting a VIP child murder & abuse ring, in charge of nailing them.
Chocolate teapots, the lot of them
The government is wasting £500,000 per year on storing the boats used by illegals to cross the Channel for a year in case the owner claims the boat because that's the law and the effin' government is too useless to change it.
A judge has ordered the government's Climate Clown's to provide evidence to support their ludicrou's claim that getting the UK to zero carbon emission's by 2050 will cost just 1% of GDP. Lord Lawson, a former Chancellor, is behind this challenge to President Boris' reckless waste of taxpayers' cash.
It is to be hoped that Tyburn Tree will be brought back into service to stage public hanging's of any wonk's who have drawn a salary from the public purse on false pretence's.
Q: Climate tsarina A. Strattonhow does she get away with it?
A: She's one of Scary Carrie's mates. 'Nuff said.
“And an M.A. in political hypocrisy?” Gullible Treadstone
The Xperts are predicting that emperor penguins are a failed experiment by Mother Nature. They lack the adaptability to survive things getting a bit warmer in the southern hemisphere. Equally, they will also croak if things get cooler.
Q: Is it possible to take a bloke seriously if he has diamonds stuck on his earlobes?
A: It's not something you'd expect our prime monster to go in for.
Reader Survey: Yes 2%, No 91%, the rest are still laffing.
Q: If ultra-processed foods still look okay after storage for 1-2 years, should we be impressed?
A: Not if they're turn out to be nothing you would ever want to eat when you get close enough to them to see how horrible they have become.
“Is this the same government that was making noises about a junk food tax which is proposing to bribe stroppy kids to get vaccinated with . . . free junk food?” Agatha Matic
Q: Brexit-16; is there any point to this reminder of the year when it was done?
A: Nope. It's daft imitation of Covid-19 but while there might be another Covid in the future if the Chinese get up to their careless tricks again, there won't be another Brexit as long as we remember that the corruption & incompetentence of the EFU is matched only by the hatred its management of failed politicians has for the UK.
Shirk@'omers should get less pay, sez a senior government minister. Which one? Not revealed. But the point about the lack of travel and other expenses for people paid out of the public purse remains valid.
“Same for London weighting for those who don't actually go to London.” Bethel Methyl
Pictures on your TV and other screens too damn GREEN?
Your supplier is fobbing you off with inferior
green electricity instead of the real stuff.
Get an ULTIMO™ Correction Filter @
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Putin the Poisoner is building up the reputation of the mad murderer J. Stalin in the hope that he will also get a statue in time if the masses can be bamboozled enuff.
Rule No. 1 for Conservative leaders visiting Scotland is don't say nuffink 'coz the natives will find some way to confect the hump out of an expression of the blindingly obvious truth.
“A row over private schools doing better than state schools has to be in line for the Worst Confection of the Year award. If you're paying good money on top of your taxes to get your brat(s) educated properly, you're entitled to expect to get a better service. And start a row if your private school does worse than the state sector.” Carlotta Blotter
The GW swindlers are trying to sabotage the Scotch whisky industry by banning the use of the peat which gives Scottish Delight its characteristic tang.
Twerp McGerp? or Hear Him!
"You don't need that kind of emotive language," sez Donald Findlay (Who?**), throwing a wobbly over guilty and not guilty as a jury's choices. He wants yes or not on whether the case is proven.
[** an incredibly famous Scottish lawyer who seems to be completely unknown out of his orbit. Ed.]
“What about not proven, if it's a Scottish jury?” Doshan Dolly
[He probably thinks Scots people don't get that choice but he's scared to put that in print in case he's scragged mercilessly by outraged customers. Ed.]
Grade inflation is making O- and A-Levels irrelevant. 65% of schoolkids are expected to get the new normal, teacher-awarded A-grades by 2024 if the present rate of inflation continues.
Moron than off
There are moans that the Climate Minister, A. Sharma, is allowed to substitute testing for quarantine after visiting plague hotspots in pursuit of President Boris' Green Bollocks Agenda.
Why not everyone else? Simple economics, is the answer.
The taxpayer foots the bill for Crown servant exceptions testing, which isn't an affordable option for the plebs.
The fad for bottled water is destroying The Planet, the Xperts reckon. Wastage is some 3,500 times greater than for water out of a tap.
Poor Little Stinker card on hold
The UN's minions have found that gorbal warmage has warmed the whole of The Planet and no one has been left behind.
Q: Can the UK lead the world back from the brink of the UN's gorbal warmage ApocaDoomAlypse to a new promised land?
A: What a stoopid notion. Like China, India, the Untied States, Europe, the Middle East and the Far East will do what we tell them to do. Or follow any Boris Green Bollocks examples.
DEFRA, the government's assassination agency, is trying to exterminate all camelids in the UK by using a defective bovine TB test as an excuse for having healthy llamas and alpacas killed.
Wonk critics in the Untied States have the hump over a production of Mary Poppins. Why? 'Coz the chimney sweeps have faces blackened by soot. RAYCHELIST!!!
“Is this in line for the Most Desperate Confection of the Year Award for 2021?” Behr Living
Owners of Apple phones beware. The company is planning to trawl through all the pictures stored on its gadgets and backed up to the iCloud. Apple clearly thinks that privacy is a primitive concept which doesn't apply to what it does.
Q: How much use is President Boris' Green Bollocks Agenda likely to be?
A: Your house is on fire so you go and pee on the garden gate. Probably not even as much use as that.
“You pee on the gate and cop for a fixed penalty notice for public urination.” Slam Dink
Bit of a twit? Got £1,300 you want to blow on something fancy & pointless? How about blowing it on a designer pizza box? The bad news is that you have to supply your own pizza.
You can also blow 550 quid on a designer coffee cup with a lid. Empty, of course.
Same old, same old yet again
The tale from the UN's gorbal warmage dudes has a strangely familiar look. Oh, yes. It's out of the same box as the "all over the place" guesses about what the SAGE dudes thought the Chinese plague would do that we've been getting for the past year and a half.
In fact, the UN dudes are probably just recycling the plague graphs as they're as they are as all over the place as the gorbal warmage stuff.
“Is the world ever going to run out of utter bollocks from the so-called Xperts? 'Coz the supply is looking pretty bloody inexhaustible.” Con Fector
“Claim that the mean sea level could, maybe, might rise by anything between 3 mm and 3 metres and then claim you were spot on whatever happens. Yes, very SAGE.” Gopher Rapee
We remember New bloody Labour
What sticks the boot in to Labour's claims of Tory sleaze over cash donations is that all politicians take cash from anyone offering it, especially Labour, and they don't bother about the probity of the donor all that much. And they all get hypocritical about it when it suits them.
Just . . . unbeatable!
Romiley Enigmas, 61 Riverside Drive
“Are you allowed to pick your own electricity colour? Because I fancy some orange stuff rather than the boring bollocks green on offer.” Peter Terrible
Deindustrialization isn't some mysterious process that defies explanation. It was a product of the rest of the world catching up and doing jobs that used to be done here much more cheaply.
All the miners and shipbuilders and steel workers and all the rest ended up jobless because they became unaffordable. Blame the rest of the world for improving itself. Blame the Labour party for pretending it wasn't happening when it was.
And remember that Labour in government closed TWICE as many uneconomical coal mines as M. Thatcher put together.
Deaths due to consumption of illegal drugs have doubled in Scotland since Wee Beesom Sturgeon became the First Meenister there. Spit the bones out of that.
Q: Why won't the SNP hold an independence referendum independently of the UK government?
A: Because someone will haul Wee Bee into court and the wheels will come off before she can say, "Gees a quid!" without involving President Boris. Major disaster for Wee Bee.
Thanks to the influence of Mhegan the Merciless, there are now henchpersons instead of just henchmen.
The National Gallery asked a staff member to wear a badge telling visitors that she speaks Arabic. She sued them for rachelism. Surprisingly, she was booted into touch by an industrial tribunal.
Fings is getting better?
President Creaky Joe has upset the Chinese government by offering Hong Kongers a safe haven from oppression in the Untied States. The lack of appreciation in Peking is HUGE and Joe could end up in the dock of the World Court accused of depriving the Chinese of the right to persecute their customers as and when they want.
Pres. Kashmachineko of Byelarus is flying migrants into his country so that they can be driven over the border into Poland and other EU affiliates as illegals as revenge for granting asylum to the Olympic sprinter K. Tsimanouskaya, who had the cheek to criticise the White Russian dicktater.
The grade inflation epidemic hasn't been helped by the legal trade weighing in to take cash off parents who think their little darling's teachers weren't generous enough.
The trade union for the education trade is not impressed. Their view is that getting legal spivs involved is immoral. Not much solidarity among the workers there.
Floods in Europe have created a major potato shortage and Europeons are turning to the better run farms in the YouKay for supplies. As a result, fish and chips will become fodder only for the very rich and you can forget any roast potatoes with your Xmas turkey.
A woman in Omsk wants to sue the McDonuts branch there for 1,000 roubles (9 quid) for seducing her with a burger ad and making her break the ceremonial fast she was doing for Lent. The local administrators for Russian legal processes are debating whether they should let her.
Beware of the BLAT Tendency Bitter Lefties And Them (i.e. Those People)
Q: What happens when you can't remember where you put your £1,595 invisible hearing aid?
A: You pony up another fifteen hundred and ninety-five quid and try to look as cheerful as possible.
“Is the Advertising Standards Authority on summer holiday. Or is there some other reason why energy companies are getting away with outrageous lies about power from occasional sources like wind & solar helping people to make a real difference to the climate when nothing done here will make the slightest difference?” Rohan Schmee
“Cosmetics R Us is the official government alternative to having an effective policy. Seems to have been allowed to leak into the private sector.” Shark Ross
Climate change does not cause wildfires. Natural events; usually lightning strikes; and people cause wildfires, which are made worse by the failure of people and their governments to create an environment in which there are effective obstacles to the spread of wildfires.
“Gorbal warmage doesn't cause wildfires, it just gives useless politicians an alibi they think they can get away with.” Bacs Lang
“Gorbal warmage is getting the blame for wiping out the bridle paths along canals. Wot next?” Upp Tite
Dippy the dog is making itself even more popular by scoffing grub put out for Larry, the Downing Street cat and official mouser, who actually has a worthwhile function.
The UK's share of global greenhouse gas emissions? 1%. Which means that Zero Carbon here will be great for putting the 'bugger' into 'bugger all use' but not much else.
This is all because President Boris, the clot, has got it backwards. We shouldn't be inviting derision by pretending to lead the world. We should be sitting on the sidelines, watching what the important emitters are doing and joining in only after we see if it will do any good. 'Coz our contribution will be bloody tiny
“Tackling climate change will cost families more, government ministers are admitting. What they are not admitting, however, is that it will cost families more than they can afford to achieve very little of any practical use.” Scart Issue
“The cost of doing nothing could be far greater than the expense of transition to President Boris' perfect world. On the other hand, it might be less. Very bloody helpful.” Pete O'Mac
He’s still got it despite the lengthened name!
Michael Reilly started for the Lions in Calgary; 2 & gone. The Stamps wasted a challenge and ended up punting anyway. BC missed a short FG for a rouge. The Stamps stalled @ the BC 16, failing to make '& inches' on 2nd & 3rd downs. Reilly fired a pass 61 yards to Burnham, FG, 4-0.
The Stamps kicked a FG in Q2, Reilly dived over the pile for a TD, no +2? Yes, the ball just reached the line, 12-3. Lotz of sacking and work for the punters. BC did nothing with a pick.
The Stamps opened Q3 and punted. BC stalled at the CS 20. Kick the bloody field goal! No, they went for it on 3rd down and got stuffed. Nothing from another BC interception. The Stamps opened Q4 with a FG, 12-6. One back for the Lions, 15-6. Rabbit on the field with 8 minutes to go!
Mitchell was picked off in the BC end zone; really athletic move! The next CS drive produced a FG, 15-9. BC ate clock, the kicker missed another FG try and brain-fade. The return man was crunched a yard out of his end zone. 109 yards to go to a TD in 1:24 for the Stamps. Mitchell's first play was picked. BC went out on downs @ the CS 36 leaving them 24 seconds to do something. They didn't.
Mitchell had a really bad day with 4 interceptions and BC's Japanese kicker is a turkey.
You can tell it's the wonk-ridden 21st century. The Beeb's iconic Radio Three is to bin Classical music in favour of vague noises in the hope of reinventing itself with a yoof audience.
There is no escape
TheRazor May is to be portrayed as a female Meccanovelli in an upcoming volume of fiction dressed up as political memoirs. Boris & Sirk Reepy also get a good going over. Could be one to look out for in the bargain book bin as an emergency Xmas present. If the Doombuggers allow us to have an Xmas.
In Scotland, women don't get pregnant, people do. Which is rather strange as the number of pregnant men remains stubbornly at zero.
The identity of the bloke who left Top Secret government documents @ a bus stop so that the BBC could get its mitts on them has been exposed. He has not been sacked, though. Which confirms that it was all a put-up job aimed at baffling the bad guys in Putinstan.
Are the nation's roads wide enuff to offer pedestrian-only lanes, where people on foot are safe from vehicles, bikes, raving looneys on e-scooters and street chariots for the mobility challenged?
Running fibre optic cables through water mains and pipes is seen as a cheap way to get people in hard to reach areas wasting time on the internet as it saves all the expense of digging up roads and pavements.
“People who go private are relieving pressure on the NHS and they should be applauded, not vilified by envious socialists and others who don't give a feck.” Stew D'Olive
“A RyanGrounded flight to Spain costs £18 when it's on special offer. The post-return PCR test costs £93. Are they the numbers to compare? Or do you add on all RyanGrounded's little extras to get about the same price for both?” Garth Vador
A lot of help
Banks are to face fines, maybe, for closing branches, but not for 2 years at the earliest. Which means that there probably won't be many branches left by then and closing them won't cost too much, especially as it's the customers paying the fine through increased bank charges.
Q: What happens when a mob of anti-vaxxers decides to attack the BBC?
A: The wonks get into a punch up with the police @ a building which the Beeb hasn't used for years and, in fact, is currently used by ITV.
Public Service Announcement
He's been called the Blogger of the Decade
His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!
Friday Nite Football in Winnipeg
The visiting Argos lost the initial field position battle, gave away the first of buckets of penalties and were on the receiving end of a 2-play TD by the Bombers after 11 minutes, 0-7.
Still flag city for the Argonauts in Q2. They tried a 51 yard FG in the 12th minute after recovering a BB fumble but the ball hit the post for nowt. The Bombers got to the Argo 6 with 9 seconds left, Edwards sacked Collards back to the 15, FG, 0-10 at the half.
A better pass would have given the Argos a TD in Q3, so they swapped QBs and Arbuckle got a run out after 11 minutes. White ran through tackles for a TD, 7-10. The Argos fumbled the ball away in the 3rd minute of Q4 and gave away a cheap shot penalty. TD for the Bomber, 7-17.
The Bombers kicked a FG with 2:07 left. 7-20. We heard a lot about Arbuckle leading the Stamps to two TDs in a final minute, but when he was forced to fumble the ball away, game over.
Dave the Sometime Leader copped for $10 MILLION from the failed Greenswill company and he did it without breaking any of the rules for former (prime)ministers, much to the chagrin of Those People.
Especially the ones in the Labour party, who seem to have forgotten the money-grubbing antics of a certain Mr. T.B. Liar after he was evicted from Downing Street.
The roadway of Tower Bridge getting stuck in the up position and causing major traffic jams is being blamed on gorbal warmage.
A foreign foodista's attempt to end the use of the word 'curry' on colonialism grounds are being met by loud derision. As are her demands that people who don't know her definition of the word should stop using it.
“Any danger of this stoopid broad being told to shut her trap because she's committing serial colonialism every time she opens it? Like most western European languages, English is based on Latin an export of Roman colonizers.” Luke Inglass
Despite gorbal warmage, this hot-ish weekend will be followed by an August washout. That's what the weather Xperts are predicting, anyway. Not that things have been all that hot in Romiley.
Got his number and it’s Zero
Sirk Reepy has turned into a clone of the sometime footballing saint M. Rashford. Given an open goal politically, he puts the ball in the car park.
How very Post-Corbynstein Labour.
Q: What does the acronym COVID stand for?
A: Chinese Origin Vicious, Insidious Disease.
The efforts by Labour's heroine, Dippy 'Abbaccuss' Abbott to keep convicted Jamaican criminals in the UK are being blamed on the effects of gorbal warmage on an over-exciteable personality.
The regime in Wee Burneystan has toppled over the brink into insanity if it is prepared to let kiddies pick their gender at the age of 4 without consulting the parents and with no regard for biology.
[Prolly something to do with gorbal warmage. Ed.]
The collapse of the regime in Afghanistan is being blamed on ex-President O'Bummer's claim in December 2014 that the civil war there had been won. And also on gorbal warmage.
Q: Will the UK leading by example persuade China to cuts its greenhouse gas emissions 'rapidly', as some idiot in office seems to believe?
A: No chance. Not as long as China is manufacturing all the stuff that the UK needs to buy because it's no longer made here 'coz of the emissions and the Zero Carbon Bollocks.
Are we a poor country? Not if gamblers are shovelling £6 MILLION per day in the direction of betting firms, online and off.
Q: If you hear, "Stop armed police", how do you tell if it's a firearms officer warning a suspect that he/she is about to be blasted or a knee-taking blame buncher demanding a free ride for criminals?
A: Maybe the police should be required a verbalize a comma between 'stop' and 'armed'.
A week late . . .
We got our first look at this year's Alouettes when they went 2 & out in Edmonton. The Antlers got to & goal, the Als blew a pick, FG, 0-3. The Als closed the first quarter with a triffic TD pass & a catch by Wieneke, 7-3.
The Ants blew up on 3rd & goal at the MTL 8. A huge pass play got the Als into FG range, 10-3. The Antlers went 2 & out and had their punt returned 85 yards for a TD! 17-3. The Als kicked another FG, they lost a pick-6 to a penalty, and they had another interception binned by the Command Centre in the last minute of the half, which ended at 20-3.
The Als missed a FG chance in Q3 for nowt. More sacks. The Ants managed a FG at the end of the quarter for 20-6. A FG then another TD put the Als 30-6 ahead in Q4. Some bad acting by their punter failed to win a roughing call. Harris had his helmet pulled off whilst being face-masked and the Ants got a consolation TD. 30-13 was the final score.
The Antlers are nowhere near as good as the Eskimos used to be.
As a direct result of the government's gorbal warmage hysteria, the market for used cars has doubled in just the 2nd quarter of this year. Hence the bombardment of TV ads featuring the Dodgy Cars Bloke and all the others.
Brilliant newslandline phones will be scrapped in 2025 and everyone will have to get a pocket phone. There is no good reason for doing thisit's just more Boris Bollocks and posturing.
Q: What does a family of elephants do after completing a 300-mile rampage across China?
A: Decide they've gone far enough north and do a reverse rampage back to where they came from.
“So that's another million quid in insurance claims and 150,000 people to be re-evacuated out of their way? I suppose it's one way to keep the economy ticking over.” Hilla Beenz
Q: How do you tell what's politics and what's science?
A: When the gorbal warmage fraudsters @ the UNO bring their forecasts of doom forward by 10 years just before the Boris Climate Jamboree in Scotlandland, that ain't science.
When the Labour party starts going on about poverty, remember that 4 MILLION women here have 100 or more pairs of shoes in their personal repository.
That just couldn't happen in a poor country.
Today's Brilliant Job: Consolationist someone who makes a living out of telling people what a rotten deal they're getting and promises them the Earth to make up for it with no thought about how the bounty will be delivered. [see also Politician]
Q: How do you get an Oscar nomination for a film role despite being on the screen for less than 8 minutes?
A: Being of colour helps in the new normal.
No, no, not me!
Senior officers at the Met are trembling in their boots. The current honcho, Dockson of Dick Green, is a busted flush and expected to get the bullet next April when her contract runs out. Which means that one of the current stooges will have to step up and become the next Aunt Sally. A consummation devoutly unwished.
Q: How come the Russian-employed spy @ the UK embassy in Berlin was watched for months by our side?
A: To see who got the information he was allowed to leak to Putinstan and what they did with it. His arrest indicates that the Putinis had realized he was a waste of cash.
There are actually people among us who think the 'uman race is on the road to unsurvivable levels of chaos. And we'll all be Xtinct by the end of the century. GULP!
“Maybe someone will create a crApp to detect them so that the rest of us can give them a wide berth.” Kala Srushkov
Q: Is it possible for a rachelist Southerner to be sacked for calling all Northerners rachelist even if she's of color?
A: Are you sitting down? Surprisingly, yes, it is possible.
Cats NG Out West
The Tigercats and the Roughriders started with some punting in Saskatchewan. An SK penalty kept a TC drive going . . . to a rouge from a punt. The Riders were ambitious but not quite up to it, but they got the ball from a fumble after a challenge, made a 3rd & inches and Fajardo dived for a TD in the first minute of Q2. 1-7
Idiots with hands over the line gave the Cats 4 shots at the SK end zone from their 1, TD for Masoli, 8-7. Zoom down the field to just a FG for SK, 8-10. Forcing Masoli to fumble put the Riders @ the TC 8 at the end of the half, on to a TD, 8-17.
The Cats punted to start Q3, SK botched the catch, Masoli was sacked twice and a 55 yard FG try missed for nowt. A pick by SK on a TC 2nd & 18 led to the Riders zooming to a TD. There was an endless discussion about evicting 2 players before the convert, 8-24.
The Cats went 2 and a pick; SK FG from it, 8-27. Evans came on as QB for the Cats. The Riders went to 8-30 with a FG in Q4 and put a freeze on things for a second home win.
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D.J. Trump has $100 MILLION to spend on the task of Making America Interesting Again.
Ain't that wonderful?
The Governor of New York (resigned) A. Cuomo had the Bliar crony A. Campbell as a fan. That should have been more than enuff to sink him.
The rate of pay for commandos must be pretty lousy if they can't afford a pair of pantz.
Wee Bee's gang has been given £100 MILLION of English taxpayers' cash to check cladding on high-rise flat blocks for flammability and done . . . bugger all.
Men are to blame 100% for gorbal warmage and women are on the receiving end of 100% of the bad stuff caused by it. That what the female blame gamers would have us believe.
“Cue an avalanche of vexatious compenbloodysation claims?” Epithelial Bright
“If women at the mercy of the Talibandits are in for a tough time in Afghanistan, maybe their spiritual sisters internationally can find out who's giving all the guns and bullets for the Talibandits and give the suppliers a tough time?” Craig McCarkey
“Not going to happen as the Talibandits aren't getting free gifts. They are paying arms dealers in hard cash from drug growing and protection rackets in the areas they occupy. Hence all the busting a gut to take over the whole country. The drug trade generates zillions for the boss class and they don't need charity guns from the likes of Iran & Putinstan.” Al Capong
Q: What does the acronym COP26 stand for?
A: Creepy Old Pessimists for the letters. The 26 is a number code, and we all kno what BF stands for.
“It's all very well for the failed Tory leadership contender R. Stewart to go on about washing our hands of Afghanistan being a shameful betrayal. But what's happening now was always going to happen. Thus it might as well be now as sometime in the future, after the British people have wasted even more lives and billions of pounds there. Stop digging, Rory, before your hole starts collapsing in on you.” Gomez Putador
“And the NATO presence did put a cramp on the Talibandits' drug growing for 20 years.” Prim Plankton
Clique, Clunk, You’re Junk
The Labour party is having a good old communist-style purge of everyone who doesn't think the sun shines out of Sirk Reepy's pantsand especially of everyone who believes that O.J. Corbynstein is a living embodiment of sheer perfection.
Playing field protest
“What is the point of busting a gut and making an effort if those who can't be bovvered get levelled up?” Rhea Lies
Enterprising boffins are able to extract gold, silver and platinum from sewage in Brussels in kilogramme quantities.
Pestering former Health Sec. Hancock's Half Hour was the excuse of choice of the moment for journalists who want a skive in Cornwall whilst HHH was on holiday there.
Good to know
It has been calculated that the pieces in private hands of the 23 official wedding cakes created for the marriage of Prince Chuck to Lady Di, if placed end to end, would stretch 0.372 of the median distance between the Earth & the Moon.
Men are more tolerant that women, is the top line of a survey based on FakeBuk data by Aussie psychologists.
An international band of boffins has demolished one of the major alibis of fatties. The human metabolic rate doesn't slow down at 30. In fact, it can remain stable to 60.
Thus if people pile on pounds in middle age, it's because they're stuffing their face with more grub than before, not because their body is less efficient at demolishing it.
Prince Andrew now has the Met after him. Dockson of Dick Green has set the Scotland Yard Nonceism Confecters on his trail. Which means years and years of BS until the whole thing blows up in police faces, if past experience is anything to go by.
“Interesting observation'faces' is just one letter away from 'farces'. Just thought you'd like to know.” Stan Dingroom
Crumbs! In the new normal world of wonk, a smiling face is the ultimate insult, an archbishop of passive aggression, a cardinal of dismissiveness & an assurance that the recipient is less than the dust beneath the chariot wheels of the sender.
The world will end on September 24th, 2182, NASA reckons. Or if their calculation of the orbit of the asteroid Bennu (one-third of a mile wide) is a bit off, nothing bad will happen.
Well, not as a result of a killer rock from space hitting The Planet. But as all life on the Earth will be Xtinct by then, according to the gorbal warmage fraudsters, there won't be anyone around to care.
Q: What's a good way to get your local community in an uproar?
A: Go round pouring baked beanz through letterboxes and onto cars. Worked a treat in Wonersh, Surrey.
A teaching union is claiming that banning pocket phones in schools will make the kiddies anxious. Which shows how much attention they're now paying to what they should be doing.
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The former president of Afghanistan, A. Ghani, seems to have his head screwed on the right way. He is reported to have got out of Dodge with a helicopter full of cash and four cars before the Talibandits could get him.
“Must have been a bloody big helicopter if he could get 4 cars on it as well as his zillions.” Fun Dunn
Pres. MacRon has announced that he will bust a gut to make sure that all migrants from Afghanistan who reach Yourope end up in the UK.
In the glorious future, drones will spot potholes and cracks in roads, and the cracks will be repaired by 3D printers. If anyone ever works out how this can be done.
“No doubt the printers will be mounted on the drones to make the process fully automatic.” Megstic Miss
“And each repair will be accompanied by a fleet of cone drones, which will put traffic deflectors around the repair site and remove them after the job has been done. All fully automatically.
” Pete Boggs
The pingdemic might have been binned officially but, predictably, trade unions are demanding that doubly vaccinated members should be allowed to skive at home for 10 days on full pay if they are pinged
Q: Is it anything new that motorway service stations are ripping off motorists with overpriced fuel?
A: We'd be surprised only if they ever gave their customers a fair deal.
Pragmatism Rulez, USA
President Creaky Joe is making himself mightily unpopular by getting it right. If the Afghan people are not prepared to fight off the Talibandits to keep a modern lifestyle, it is their own fault if they get plunged back into the Dark Ages with criminal drug gangs in charge.
“Like the man said, we have known for ages that this was going to happen, and now it has. Get over it.” Maud Gambol
“Let the Chinese and Russia prop up the Talibandits.” Phil Tration
“It's not our job to be in charge of other countries. How come all the people moaning about colonialism and the British Empire aren't jumping up and down with glee now that the foreign troops are leaving Afghanistan, leaving the locals free to determine their own future?” Various Crewe
“Let us not forget that it was the Americans who were propping up the corrupt regime in Kabul, as they did for the one in Saigon. With them gone, there was no point in Britain staying.” Mary D'Eath
The Talibandits are claiming they are going to behave like decent human beanz Not like the mediaeval thugs they were two or three decades ago. Which means that if they don't keep their word, they're going to be tormented endlessly with stuff off the internet proving they're just a bunch of lying scrumbags and psychopaths out of the same box as Colombian drug dealers.
Will it bother them, though? Naah.
“In fairness to the Colombians, they don't insist you snort their religion as well as a snootful of coke.” Onya Mettle
Today's Conspiracy Theory: the Hidden Message
Look at the advertisement full on [below, left],and there's nothing out of order. But look at off-centre illuminated with the right wavelength of light [below, right] and the shocking hidden subliminal message is revealed!
Amazon is officially the worst place to go shopping for tools for DIY jobs, according to the gurus of Which?. Prices there can be double those paid by people who took a toolcation from Amazon to shop around.
Things to tell annoying people No. 171: You put the 'goat' into egoatism.
Digging Deeper a new TV series, coming to a screen near you SOON!
Dead people aren't always victims, the people who made them so aren't always to blame. A new crime series offers a new perspective on the prematurely dead.
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The right stuff it up ’em
President Creaky Joe has found the right formula for dealing with the meeja. He does his presentation and then he splits, giving the pests no opportunity to ask their stoopid and deliberately vexatious questions.
With great age can come a measure of wisdom, even to politicians.
Q: If a power company claims it is offering green electricity, how much of what the customer gets is actually green and how much can be brown misdescribed?
A: As noted previously on BFN, vast amounts of greenwash are sloshing about in power company advertising, and the actual ratio can be as bogus as 3% occasionals green to 97% misdescribed brown.
More smoke & mirrors creating meaningless letters (or numbers)
Examination grades are to be divorced from reality to allow The Blob to pretend that an epidemic of fairness has broken out. A fixed percentage of the candidates will achieve each grade, irrespective of whether a particular year's customers are better or worse than those of previous years.
This pretence at fairness is intended to prevent those who got exaggerated grades based on teacher assessment in 2020/21 from feeling inferior to those who get grades based on actual exam results in 2022
Close the door
It's not our job to be in charge of other parts of the world which are not British like the Falkland Islands & Gibraltar The message we're getting now is that our attempts in the past to civilize the world were not appreciated, especially by Those People in our own country.
In the 21st century, if foreigners don't want to benefit from our enlightenment, that is their choice, no matter what the likes of Sir Kreepy Steamer and other Opposition politicians say.
We should therefore respect that choice and leave them to stew in their own juice.
Letting e-scooters onto a city's streets is not sensible, they have found in Liverpool, home of one of the experiments, where over 1,000 people have received a 7-day ban for antisocial riding.
There have been injuries, some severe, but no deaths. Yet. But it's only a matter of time
The inevitable price of success?
It's the turn of John Lewis, the Scottish founder of the major department store chain, to get the scumbag treatment and put him in line for a Worst Person In The World award. No doubt the book that's trashing his reputation will be in a bargain bin near you in time for Xmas.
A teacher sacked by Eton for being unwonk has been cleared of professional misconduct and the former top people's school of choice is now in the firing line for an unfair dismissal claim.
Some idiots are useful and some aren’t
President Boris plans to double donations from UK taxpayers to Afghanistan this year to £246 MILLION to let the Talibandits buy more guns & bombs & bullets and train more Islamist terrorists
No doubt Sir Kreepy and the SNP will get up on their hind legs to moan that it's nowhere near enuff just to be awkwardif pointlessly.
“Maybe we could get the Islamists to crash the next plane onto the House of Clots.” Collar Terrel
Q: Why won't we see criminals removing litter from the Mint?
A: 'Elf 'n' narzi rules compounded by councils closing public toilets to the inconvenience of incontinent BGs in order to blow the cash on something totally useless to the people who coughed it up. In other words, the message is "Sod the EnviroMint".
Say hello nicely to Michael, who was Mike when he played for your team
A big kick off return by the Lions, almost a TD pass to the end zone by Reilly as his first play, but just a FG. And a rouge from a missed FG after a sack halted the next BC drive, 0-4.
Whyte kicked a 52-yard FG for the Antlers, Harris to Jones in the end zone for a TD in Q2, suddenly the Ants were 10-4 up. BC gave up a safety after being pinned deep, and the Ants closed the half with a FG for 15-4.
Whyte kicked a 53-yard FG in Q3, one back for BC, 18-7. After sending the Ants 3 & out, the Lions advanced to the Edmonton 3, got backed up, benefitted from DPI in the end zone and Reilly went in for a TD from the 1. No +2, 18-13.
Whyte missed a FG in Q4!! One after a sack for BC, one back for Whyte, 21-16. A big dash for Wilder, on his way to 100+ yards, got the Ants to the BC 31, Wilder ran the clock out and Harris took a knee @ 0:00 for the gang from Edmonton's first win of the season.
If they stripped the House of Common Criminals of everyone who has no idea what the government machine can and can't achieve, it would look permanently like it did @ the height of the Chinese plague pandemicbut without all those TV screens for remote BS contributions
“There is nothing to be gained from trying to save a world full of unappreciative bastards. Our mission has to be to keep booting our politicians where it hurts until they stop pretending they can make a difference beyond our shores if they throw enough of our wealth @ unappreciative bastards.” Arid Placebo
“The last thing we need now is anything to do with anyone east of Lowestoft Ness.” Folding Behemoth
“& south of Lizard Point.” Coada Varms
You’re on your own
Prince Hairy and Mhegan the Merciless called a press conference to announce that they do not have a solution for the situation in Afghanistan.
Neither do they have anything on offer for earthquake-rocked Haiti.
Q: What do you get if America spends $1,000,000,000,000 on training the Afghan armed forces?
A: The whole lot of them heading for the hills @ the slightest sign of danger.
The Daily Wail was making a huge deal out of a best-of-5 grudge snooker match between M. Allen & his ex, R. Evans, in the British Open tournament @ the Morningside Arena, which sounds like it belongs in Edinburgh rather than Leicester.
Strange that the Wail couldn't be bothered reporting the outcome. But maybe they didn't think it was worth bothering with if the bookies had made Allen an 80-1 on shot for a win.
[3-2, no whitewash, Ed.]
Consistency Is King!
Professor 'Lockdown' Ferguson seems to believe in the buckshot theory of catastrophe. If he keeps on predicting a daily total of 100,000 new cases of the Chinese plague per day, he thinks he will eventually get it right, so sure is he that it will happen eventually.
“Or some new foreign plague will take over from the coronavirus and let him make his bloodcurdling predictions about something else with his past record conveniently forgotten.” Synthetic Obama
“If the people of Afghanistan don't want to be there, why should we want to be there?” Jock Yewlar
“A woman on the news was complaining that Afghanistan was invaded after the attack on New York in 2001 'to make America safer' and her question was: 'How is America safer now?'
“But what she is ignoring is exactly who made that 'safer' claim. Oh, it was politicians. The same ones who claimed that Sadman Hussein in Iraq had Weapons of Mass Destruction available for use in 4-5 minutes.
“Not anyone you would choose to believe. Unless you were trying to make trouble for another politician, of course.” Meg Alodon
“In which case, the 'belief' would be as sincere as a politician's assurance.” Debra Doors
“America's mouthy vice president, K. Harrisment, seems to have gone missing/on holiday whilst the flak is flying. Nothing to contribute?” Paqui Tinn
Our Foreign Sec. has offered the rather sensible view that he would not have gone on holiday had he been psychic and able to see what would happen in Afghanistan in a crystal ball.
But he ain't and he did, and if you don't like it, you're as useless as Sirk Reepy.
“Sir Kreepy said he wouldn't stay on holiday while Kabul was falling. But what could he do that would be any good, apart from bugger all?” Malder Mare
“That's rich, coming from a bloke who's permanently on holiday if all he has to do is sit on the sidelines, moaning his head off.” Uart de Ferq
“If the current Chief of the Defence Staff, the head of Britain's armed forces, thinks the Talibandits are not the enemy and they are men of honour, then General N. Carter should be moved to a padded cell forthwith. Along with whoever gave him the job.” Soup Lex
“What else do you expect from someone who has done his best to disable & devalue the Britisch Army with his wonk policies? Who needs a Fifth Column when we've got him?” Onya Byke
“The guy is a classic moreonmore on the enemy's side than ours.” Huw Cantspel
America Is Back
. . . Home
Who is to blame for the untidy US military withdrawal from Afghanistan? Why, it turns out to be the US military.
They have known for 20 years that their nation had no appetite for wasting billions of dollars and American lives on a cesspit half-way round the world.
The US Military didn't offer a withdrawal plan to President Trump because they were scared he'd go for it. They did offer one to Creaky Joe because they were confident he would turn it down. They are aghast that Joe went for it. But there was nothing they could do about it then.
A return to form
Little League bloody baseball getting in the way of the CFL? Disbloodygraceful! We arrived in the 4th minute with the Stampeders a FG up from their opener and the Alouettes about to punt. And get the ball back from an immediate pick. No Mitchell, Maier had the gig. On to a TD, 7-3. The Stamps got close but lost the ball in the red zone.
Another TD for the Als in Q2. The Stamps went to a TD from a pick but no +2, 14-9, and kicked a 52-yard FG toward the end of the half. 14-12.
Lotz of defence in Q3 then the Stamps went ahead with a TD, 14-19. The Als gave up a safety for field position, 14-21. In Q4, an 83-yard pass play got the Stamps to the MTL 1, flag-fest, a TD eventually, 14-28.
9 minutes left. The Als missed a FG for a rouge, 15-28. There was a miscue on the first Stamps play, Als' ball, TD, 22-28 with 2:48 left. 2 & out for the Stamps. 3rd & goal from the CS 1 with 1 second to go for the Als. No cigar. The end. The Stampeders have won one!
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Definitely a candidate for a ‘Poor Little Stinker’ award
Reading a news script from a teleprompter is so 'taxing' that at least one BBC bod is feeling burnt out @ 60. And we thought Millennials were the archetypal wimps!
A cricket commentator has revealed that his wife uses a spreadsheet to plan his outfits for Test Match broadcastson the radio! Desperate to be noticed, or what!
No wonder the country is two thousand billion quid in debt
The Home Office is to spend vast amounts of taxpayers' cash on getting the private sector to vet everyone with a gun licence to find out if they are a homicidal/suicidal nutter as its response to the massacre committed in Plymouth by shotgun licence-holder J. Davidson.
That's 566,000 bodies at what? 200 quid a pop? More?
The NHS is still using hospitals constructed in the 1960s, 70s and 80s using 'structural concrete planks' with a design life of 30 years. Some of the hospitals are now taking steps to avoid corporate manslaughter charges arising from the floor of an operating theatre collapsing whilst a customer is receiving service by banning treatment of grossly o'bese clients weighing 19 stones or more.
Note: When the hospitals were built, the UK's o'besity rate was just 1-2% rather than the one-third of the population that it is now.
Q: When you see an advert for a set of initialsCBDwith no explanation, and one of the bottles has 'Grass & Co.' on the label, is that a clue?
A: That they're embarrassed about selling dope? Deferably.
Today's Quotation: "Trifles make the sum of life"Charles Dickens.
[He obviously couldn't afford ice cream. Ed.]
Tesla self-drive cars are under investigation in the Untied States as they have a tendency to crash into stationary objects such as fire engines, ambulances & other vehicles, bollards, etc., more often than those piloted by a 'uman bean.
Q: Will everyone choosing to wash clothes cold with Aerial have the slightest effect on the climate?
A: There are ideas, ludicrous ideas, and this one.
If the FUN stops, stump up your bets just the same. We want all your dosh as fast as possible.
Q: What do you get if you're involved in the theft of foreign military vehicles worth hundreds of thousands of pounds?
A: Ex-Army Major M. Whatley was done for a £1,500 donation towards "astronomical" prosecution costs & 150 hours' community service.
[i.e. away with it, Ed.]
Nowt for a bloke on a horse to do early on
Lots of flags when the Redblacks visited the Roughriders, who went ahead with a FG. A big bomb to the SK 32 was followed by . . . a FG, 3-all. Lotz more defence in Q2. The RBs missed a long FG try, a successful challenge got the Riders to the red zone for . . . a FG, 3-6. And another in the last few seconds of the half, 3-9.
The Q3 opener by SK went to a punt, which hit a pylon for a rouge, 3-10. The next drive reached the RB 2, Fajardo in for a TD, 3-17. One back for the RBs in Q4, 10-17. Back to field goals, 10-23 with 5 minutes to go.
A flag fest ended with a punt by the RBs. Did the Riders fumble the ball away? No, said a review by the Command Centre and they were able to run out the clock to become the only unbeaten team.
That Met Office red alert for violent, killer thunderstorms @ the weekend just gone? Didn't happen here, credibility shot to shreds.
Coalition of Chaos or “It wisnae me tae blame!”
The SNP is having a really tough time in Wee Burneystan. So tough, in fact, that it has been forced to create a de facto coalition of convenience with the looney Greens to allow Wee Bee to get bills through the Scittish Parliament.
The Greens are delighted to get their mitts on the levers of power for the first time ever because they know, like the Liberals who formed the notorious coalition with Dave the Leader, that no matter how big a mess they create, some mugs will believe that it was nothing to do with them and they were not even in the building at the time.
Q: Is the estimated 8 BILLION quid cost of applying the Triple Lock to pensions in 2022 'staggering'?
A: Not when you remember how much the Ministry of Defence wastes on ships and tanks that don't work, and the ONE BILLION quid blown on Afghanistan over the last 20 years. And all the cash wasted during the Chinese plague pandemic.
The police have been accused of unlawful detention of up to 4,500 dangerous nutters whilst trying to protect the public from the nutters. Sometimes, you really just can't win.
“Accusing President Boris of losing control in Afghanistan includes an assumption that he was ever in control of the place. Which is bollocks as it was an American show. But the likes of Sirk Reepy would rather take a vow of silence than admit it.” Crewed O'Missle
“Who's to blame for the situation in Afghanistan? The list starts with China, Iran, Pakistan & Russia and goes from Tony B. Liar to TheRazor May, and from Dubya Bush to Creaky Joe. But excludes President Boris, no matter how much that upsets Sirk Reepy.” By Tmee
If you go for a drink in a pub and reveal your email address, you are liable to start receiving a torrent of spam as some companies have no scruples about selling customer data collected in the name of virus regulations, including the customer's drinking preferences.
Q: How do you inflate the building cost of a hotel from £7 million to £98 million?
A: Put the Unite trade union's wonky bosses in charge.
[Not new news but worth remembering, Ed.]
“They don't call this sorry gang's soon-to-be-evicted honcho 'In The Red' Len for nothing!” Fried Eggberg
Q: Is a lawyer ever "your best friend, your only friend"?
A: A best friend with his hand in your pocket up to the elbow? Some friend!
Even the free gift Manchester Weekly News (£1.55 where sold but are any ever sold?) is doing the 'died in vain in Afghanistan' thing to space out its adverts.
Q: If you see an Olympic celeb promoting a business, what should you do?
A: In 81% of cases, you should run as fast as you can in the opposite direction until you are out of sight.
Today's Suggestion: NATO should change its name to NATINever Acts To Improve or NDAUNever Does Anything Useful.
Q: Should we be worried about how the Big Bang happened? Or if such an event actually did happen?
A: As the information is totally irrelevant to the lives of 99.99999999999% of the world's population, if not more, like a religion, nope.
Meanwhile, back East . . .
The commentators for the Blue Bombers in T'ronno sounded like they were parked in a drainpipe. The Argos returned the kick off to midfield, 52-yard FG, 0-3. Their next drive produced a TD, 0-10. A pick got the Argos a FG, 0-13.
In Q2, Arbuckle was mugged and the BB defence got a TD, 7-13 and the pattern of the match established. The BB defence was doing all the heavy lifting. But the offence managed a TD; Collards 51 yards to Adams; after the Argos had kicked another FG, 14-16. Lots of DPI as the half ran out, TD but no +2 for the Argos, 17-22.
The BB missed a FG try for a rouge in Q3. A major foul got the Argos to the BB 1, TD, 15-29. The Argos got a rouge from a punt and the Bombers did the same in Q4, 16-30. The Bombers missed a long FG try for nowt. Their next try got them to the red zone, TD, 23-30 with 2 minutes left.
An impressive pass play got the Argos to the BB 47, they went for a 3rd & 1 @ the 37, made it, and that was the game over.
The Royal Family has failed to bow down to the ludicrous demands of Prince Hairy & Mhegan the Merciless, their apologists have revealed. So their boycott of the UK will continue. Hooray!!
Q: Why would you pay £36 for a pair of glasses when you can get a pair for £6?
A: More money than sense?
The current chief constable of Greater Manchester Police has binned a policy created by his predecessor (sacked for being incompetent when GMP was put into administration for being useless) and the current mayor, Jonah Burnham (not yet sacked for being useless).
Their Citizens' Charter is complete tosh and patronizing BS, according to the new guy. Let us hope that the replacement chief con. isn't just more of the same done a bit differently.
Q: How much trust can you put in firms which offer just a phone number in their adverts and keep their address secret?
A: If they include in the advert stuff like Don't Trust The Cowboy's, not that much.
Silly Story of the Month: that when the Afghan president A. Ghani went on holiday to the UAE, he took $168,000,000 in cash with him. Obviously concocted by someone who has never heard of secret bank accounts and tax & asset havens.
“As the story came from Putinstan, maybe it's intended to suggest that such things don't exist and the leaders of the regime there don't have zillions stashed away off-shore and in forms other than paper and pound coins.” Hartly Worthit
“Further undermined by the news that the £7 zillion in the Afghan Treasury is stashed out of the country and beyond the reach of the Talibandits.” Al Pine
Not exactly progress
Are electric cars the future? They have to be bigger and wider than proper cars to accommodate all the batteries, and users will spend hours driving around pointlessly in search of a parking place because of the extra space they require. Which will reduce their effective range from the current 'rubbish' to 'totally prethetic'.
Dorset council is taking the piss out of motorists by making lanes for motor vehicles 9 feet 5 inches wide and lanes for bikes eleven feet two inches wide.
A mouthpiece for the council said: "Making life impossible for the motorist encourages them to leave their cars @ home and saves The EnviroMint."
Staycationer boots are trampling the Lake District into something flatter than the Netherlands, the bods trying to keep roads, lanes & trackways in good repair are complaining. That's the staycationers and gorbal warmage, of course.
The same is happening in Wales, where Mount Snowdon is being trampled so much that it is in danger of losing its status as the highest mountain in the principality.
Head teachers are up in arms over the Education Department's brilliant idea of holding school assemblies outdoors to reduce the spread of the Chinese plague. Especially when it's raining and freezing cold.
Q: How do you give your kids type 2 diabetes?
A: Feed them child-friendly yoghurts containing half a bag of sugar in every pot.
The Putinstanis are using their sonic weaponthe one perfected by use on US diplomats in Cubain the diplomatic staff of enemy states in Berlin.
People who can't afford to do so are finding themselves unable to provide their kids with nursery education.
Confecters' Corner: Wonk fascists are trying to claim that white women can't offer recipes for noodles & Chinese dumplings.
Afghanistan was given independence from the Britisch Empire 102 years ago this month. Haven't exactly done much worthwhile with it, have they?
“Don't you just love the story of the wonk who togged herself up in a burko for a pic to put on auntiesocial meeja and ended up looking a proper berk when the Talibandits took over Afghanistan!” Armi Gallow
Q: A woman was complaining that she can get the top off a bleach container but not the top off a bottle of multivitamins. Is there a solution?
A: If she drinks enough bleach, she won't need the multivitamins.
Don’t get STUNG by Fake Manuka
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Bug-killer cream, hand wash, lozenges . . .
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Q: The C20 song It's Raining Men has been rewritten in a woke version with the title It's Raining Them. Does that make any sense?
A: Them! is a C20 film about giant ants created by nuclear testing. Raining giant ants makes as much sense as raining men, possibilitywise.
“Raising awareness of other people's pronouns is so not important. We have much better things to do than pander to irksome minorities.” Quel Fromage
A scheme to graze cattle in Scottish forests to save The Planet has hit the buffers. The cows keep eating leaves & branches and wrecking young trees by using them as scratching posts or trampling them into the ground.
The problem seems to be arising where people don't realize just how much work they need to put in to do the job properly. Those who do know what they're doing can make the plan work, or so they claim. But any benefits from it might possibly may lie 12-40 years in the future.
Q: Is a Wild Food Festival really a Road-Kill Roundup?
A: It's supposed to be a veggie occasion featuring edible fungi, wild roots & berries, nettles, etc.
Q: So no chance of a badgerburger with chips?
A: None at all.
The SNP regime in Wee Burneystan is doing such a brilliant job that 14% of the customers are living in a permanent debt crisis.
Q: Does an inquiry into the chaos caused by the Chinese plague pandemic need to last more than 12 months?
A: Not if the legal trade gets off its collective fat can, goosed by the news that it won't be lining its pockets for several years and 12 months' pay for the job is all they'll get. Let us not forget that the inquiry into the bog New Labour made of its 2001 foot & mouth outbreak got the job done in a year.
Prince Hairy is doing his bit for mental change and climate health by using a private jet to get home from distant polo matches.
“They should make the bugger hitch-hike.” Ellie DeGenerate
Unexpected consequence of the drug plague
Coyote attacks on human beans in the parklands of Vancouver, Canada, are on the increase because the creatures are scoffing the discards of junkies and turning into proper fierce little monsters.
When you think about it, fossil fuels are Renewables. There is no reason why The Planet couldn't repeat the climate and geological conditions that produced the ones we're using now @ some time in the future.
“And The Planet will probably do a faster job of altering the climate to something more suitable for Those People than the gorbal warmage fraudsters and Those People combined.” Faz Ackeley
Hey, Joe! or Butcher’s Broth
The souvenir industry in Putinstan is expecting to make big bucks out of its soon-to-be-launched range of Stalin memorabilia.
Apparently, the monster from Georgia, who had upwards of 50 million customers of the Soviet empire murdered, is now seen as something of a saint compared with Vlad the Putin the Poisoner.
His fans can even stage marches through the streets of major cities in Putinstan without being harassed terminally by the KGB. Not something fans of Joe's mate Addie Hitler can do where they live.
“Everything is relative. Compared to Putin the Poisoner, maybe Stalin the Butcher looks like quite a reasonable bloke if your brain is a bit skew-whiff.” Gnat Alley
“He didn't steal the cash to build a palace on the shores of the Black Sea, unlike some spiv we could name.” Arnol Dator
“Only because there wasn't enuff cash sloshing around to pay for one after Stalin had bumped off everyone with more than 2 brain cells to rub together.” Warren Peas
China is hoping to be the first space-going nation to bring back soil samples from Mars. If that happens, expect another unstoppable plague to be unleashed on The Earth when the bugs on the soil are allowed to escape into the EnviroMint.
Slogan: We have the solutions
Interpretation: Please put lotz of dosh in our begging bowl
£3.95 for a razor from Harry.comis every box autographed by him personally? Or does he have a minion to do it?
usWITCHcouldn't they have picked a less sinister name?
Is the bloke with diamond studs on his ears a) a precious twerp or b) deaf and wearing hearing aids that are effectively invisible because they are disguised as diamond ear studs?
More about a Man Called Joe
The plan to oust Creaky Joe now that he has served his purpose seems to be going smoothly. But what does his successor, Ms Harrisment, have to offer?
Of colour? half a tick. Asian? half a tick. Y chromosomes? no tick. Nobel Prize? no tick. Under 60 years old? tick. Achieved anything much? no tick. Anything to offer when the trouble starts? no tick. Heads for the hills when the trouble starts? tick. Likely to do much to Make Ameriqua Interesting Again? no tick.
The International Monetary Fund is looking for praise for preventing over $400 million of aid cash from falling into the clutches of the Talibandits. But being in touch with the real world, we know that's just pocket change to their drug operation.
Six years ago, the Highways Agency spent millions on rebranding itself as Highways England. Now, it wants to blow £7 million more to become National Highways.
“Whatever the name, it will always be crap.” T.N.T. Kerboom
Q: What do you do with a British bloke who refuses to follow the plague rules in Singapore and won't wear a face mask?
A: Stick him in gaol until you can deport his ass.
Forget Thursday Nite Football; match postponed
The Edmonton Antlers' team members started going down with the Chinese plague after their trip to BC to say hello to Michael (formerly Mike) Reilly last week. 5 of them tested positive and ended up self-isolating. The total continued to rise and 14 is the latest number; players only. Which means a week off for the whole team and also the Toronto Argonauts.
GPs are becoming too few and too expensive to meet the demands of the current population. Cue the rise of a new class of expert practice nurses to bridge the gap. And very likely, extremely successfully.
Pillocks on Parade
A Big Boris Gotcha for the nasty bastards who claimed he faked a photo of him observing an 11 a.m. minute's silence 'coz the time on his watch didn't match the clock behind him, not realizing that his watch is always set fast to reduce his chronic lateness, if only notionally.
“It's always great to see the wheels come off for some picky bastard who trawls over everything, looking for something to find fault with.” Ded Kroshvel
“Like ending a sentence with a preposition in a casual comment, where such things don't count.” X. O'cution
Another MP is being hauled into court for expenses fraud.
Labour? Well, of course.
A Bollocks Bonanza Award goes to the foodistas who decided that eating a hot dog reduces the 'uman life span by 36 minutes and eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich increases it by 29 minutes.
“And if you eat enough chips, you'll live forever!” Reg O'Berg
Q: What do you do when you get the push from the public payroll 'coz you've outlived your usefulness in some pointless job?
A: Claim it's a conspiracy and play the tranny card.
The Xtinction loonies expect to get away with 2 weeks of climate posturing and wanton destruction in London. Another £50 MILLION down the drain?
Dockson of Dick Green's philosophy is that someone with a history of misconduct and assaults on other coppers shouldn't be kept out of a top job in the Police of the Metrolopis. No wonder everyone wants her gone.
President Creaky Joe's decision to zoom out of Afghanistan had the backing by default of NATOthe Europeons on the mainland decided they didn't want to be involved in letting a bunch of people half-way round the world have democracy and the freedom not to be murdered by psychopathic Islamists.
No specs for president-elect Biden? No autocue? Bugger!
Back in November 2020, when this first appeared, it was a joke. But that joke is wearing a bit thin now . . .
Q: What's 'In The Red' Len, boss of the Unite union pro tem, doing in his dotage?
A: Fantasizing about bringing the country to a dead stop, closing everything and depopulating the UK by mass starvation.
If you want to be trendy with your foul language, the Xperts reckon that there has been a bloodless coup and you should bin BH and substitute FK.
Straight into the buffers
Having to cope with electric cars will strain electricity grids around the world to the limit. But Marsman and visionary E. Musk is not bovvered.
He is planning to overload them to the point of collapse with a range of electric minionsaverage human-size robots, which will perform a whole raft of domestic chores and will become as need-to-have as an electric car once proper ones are banned.
“Allowing the owner to do bugger all at home other than be a couch potato watching NeatFlix, etc. and setting new world o'besity records?” Petty Thrope
“Sounds like a typical Musk sky-pie. Development cost$37.8 billion; Sales29.” Ang Krapf
Hooray! A Hand-Out
Romiley is to benefit from the not-so-great gorbal warmage swindle with a government grant to build flood defences for the handful of residents & businesses @ risk when the River Rom gets a bit frisky.
Romiley residents can now get Pétanque Piste [as a newt? Ed.] @ the bowling & tennis club on Oakwood Road.
Q: How long can you live in the Last Chance Saloon; which is where the Alarmists reckon we are now; before it becomes the new normal and you have to get used to it?
A: 37.812 yearsas long as supplies of food & drink continue to get through.
The staycation profiteering rate is 40% compared to 2019.
Q: What do you get if you give the school bully some of what he deserves 20 years later?
A: A suspended sentence, so away with it.
Beavers are to be returned to the countryside so that they can be saddled with the job of preventing floods; something which the EnviroMint Agency and local authorities can't be arsed to do.
“And copping for the blame if it all goes horribly wrong, of course.” Polly Periferal
Local councils are to attach high-tech ears to their urban speed cameras to extract fines from boy racers for making excessive noise as well as travelling at excessive speeds.
75% of council income now comes from fines. If their scams continue to grow at the current rate, there will soon be a case for abolishing Council Tax on the grounds that are getting an adequate income from their fines and penalty notices.
Q: Took him long enuff but Health Sec. Vajid Javid is going to boot the cowboys off the official list of traveller plague test firms. Which means an overnight improvement?
A: Which means the cowboys will be right back under another name, if past form is anything to go by.
Islamist terrorists are posing as migrants and attempting to smuggle firearms across the Channel in small boats.
Dying of Iggorance Mark IIthe AIDS scenario all over again
The real reason why we are not likely to get vaccine passports is that people who have had 2 shots of vaxx can still get the plague and can still transmit it.
The up-side for vaccination is that the plague symptoms are generally much less severe or even unnoticeable. And the vaxxed can give a dose of the plague to persistent anti-vaxxers to give them something to think about.
“It takes all sorts of people to make a world, according to some guy called Doug Jerrold. This one has to be a prime example of the perils of using unkilled labour.” Cora Zhenko
The death of the inventor of the Corby Trouser Press reminds us that Those People are the sort of morons who will always scoff @ a gadget that actually works because . . . it works well and does exactly the job it was built for.
The Arts Council would have us believe that we customers want to shove vast amounts of taxpayers' cash in its direction to turn all the pubs in town centres into museums and galleries.
The number of countries we don't want to know is growing relentlessly. Will we get to 194 out of 195 by the end of C21? It's certainly looking likely.
Another up the kilt for Sirk Reepy
Labour's attempt to confect a rule breach by President Boris during the Hartlepool by-election has ended in a reasonable explanation and crushing failure.
Another humiliation for the leader pro-tem courtesy of his deputy, Angular Rabid. Maybe he needs someone better. But is there anyone?
FakeBuk is getting the blame for facilitating a surge of child grooming during locko. Apparently, the publishing platform's abhorrence filter is just not up to the job.
Got Her Number
The C20 attention-seeker and persistent media content complainer M. Whitehouse is now being positioned as the female equivalent of a dirty old man with a filthy mind, whose ability to hear naughty words in pop songs when there were none was legendary and who could confect offence from even the most harmless material.
In fact, as someone who would be right @ home among C21's similarly afflicted wonkistas.
California Frantic Lacrosse?
No, it's Friday Nite Football and the winless Ticats in Montreal, returning the kick off to the MA 50 and going on to a TD. 7-0. After a bout of sacking & punting, the Cats reached the MA 14 but came away with a FG, 10-0. Q2 started with a sack on Evans. The Als scored a TD and the Cats replied with a FG after 7 minutes, 13-7. Lots more defence and the Als kicked a FG with 2 minutes left in the half, 13-10.
A sack on Adams made the Als punt away their Q3 opener. A bomb of a pass got the Cats to FG range; and a miss. A big return was cancelled by a penalty and the Als punted. The Cats missed another FG try. In Q4, Williams returned a pick to the MA 14, on to a TD, 20-10. Lots more defence. The Als went out on downs after the 3 minute warning.
Thomas Erlington ran round & hurdled Als to eat clock and yards before going in for a TD. No coming back from 27-10. Even more flags flew in what was a flag-fest. Both teams are now 1-2.
If you're a sporty type and you want a spinal injury, the best thing to try is cycling, which has a reported 80% success rate for delivering them.
Anyone know the scandal behind Navigate?
Must be pretty ripe if it has a 'gate' ending.
Q: If you've run out of things to whinge about, wot next?
A: Pick on a children's classic book and confect all sorts of appalling & bogus nonsense about it. Especially if you hate tigers.
Local councils, particularly looney left ones, have found that a really good way to wind up their customers is to let weeds grown unchecked and make pavements dangerous to navigate. Allowing grass verges to grow out of control to make crossing the road impossible is another of their bright ideas.
Q: Has any of the country's enemies, internal & external, not received the support of the BBC or praise from one of its stooges on a BBC programme?
A: It's doubtful.
You're definitely getting away with one if you can be paid to do a survey to find out how long people boil their soft-bald eggs and how exactly they make the sticks of toast for dipping into a still-fluid yolk. HTFK?
Q: Three weeks to go before elections for your country's parliamentwhat to do?
A: If you're Putin the Poisoner, try bribing pensioners and the armed forces with a little bonus.
Revenge of the Wee Beesom
Nobody has been taking any notice of Wee Burney Sturgeon recently. This is offered as the explanation for her decision to hurl her toys out of the pram and threaten to lock down Wee Burneystan again if the lack of recognition continues.
“Yet another crime against humanity perpetrated by an attention-seeker.” Livi Poison
Cookery goddess Nigella has felt obliged to remove the word 'slut' from the names of those of her recipes which feature it because she feels it has taken on a more cruel and humourless meaning. Which means that its days have to be numbered for 'tart' in these wonky times.
What exactly would you call removing Uncle Ben's image from the products he was once featured upon? Denegritization? Or just old-fashioned o'bliteration from shamefully rachelist motives?
“Note to Hysterical of KentThe Planet doesn't care about President Bori's shopping bag's, what they're made of and how many he doe's or doesn't have. Planet's don't care, they just are.” Binh Liner
“Note to Hysterical of North Yorks. Afghans don't have to come here to live on benefits in a grotty council high-rise flat. They are free to stay in Afghanistan to be tortured & murdered by the Talibandits or blown up by Daesh. Nobody is holding a gun to their head. Xcept for the Talibandits, of course.” Ann Delivery
“It would be a mistake to treat the Talibandits as rational human beings. They are aliens with a pre-Mediaeval culture who have no understanding of our old normal, never mind the new normal.” Foram Zork
Saturday Nite in The Nation’s Capital!
No sign of the Lions being affected by the lurgi which laid the Antlers low after their trip to BC. After an exchange of punts, both teams managed a FG, 3-all after 12 minutes. The Lions went ahead with a FG in Q2, 6-3 and the tough defensive battle continued.
DPI by the Redblacks in their end zone gave Michael (not Mike) Reilly a QB sneak for a TD. The PAT missed, 12-3. A long FG by the RBs made it 12-6 at half time. In Q3, a sack by BC then a pick on the next play stopped the RBs and gave the Lions a FG. The Redblacks kicked another long one for 15-9. A challenge by the RBs got a DPI decision and prevented a punt, on to a FG in the rain and 15-12.
The rain was really bucketing down in Q4. A 2-play drive put BC 22-12 ahead. The Redblacks struggled. Two punts by the Lions yielded a rouge from each, and 24-12 was the final score.
What a load of effin’ rubbishno bugger impressed
The F1 Belgian Grant Prix @ Spa was a lot of a flop. From the amount of rain, anyone would think they'd held it in Ottawa instead. A Williams on the front row was a considerable achievement. What happened after a 3½ hour delay with rain persisting down certainly wasn't.
Two laps spent touring round after the safety car with no overtaking does not constitute a race. Half points for doing it is fraud.
“Oh, the suspense of wondering if Verstappen would slide and ram the safety car up the boot. Yawn.” Grin Freaker
“Half points for 2 laps spent sloshing around behind the SC is taking prethetic to new depths.” Y.I. Yabugga
“We are offering a crap substitute programme in place of the Belgian GP hi-lites as there were none. The track remained unsafe for racing through the 3-hour window after the official start time and the race was cancelled 'coz that's the rule. Or it should have been.” Germy King
We are being told that the national shortage of delivery drivers will put the kybosh on school meals, Xmas, well-stocked supermarkets, fast-food joints and all sorts of other stuff. Is this a real crisis? Or are the Doctors/Professors of Doom trying to soften us up for a December & January in locko?
Q: Has The Planet been destroyed by Prince Andrew taking 3 SUVs along on a holiday trip to Scotlandland?
A: Rejoice! The Planet remains entirely unaffected.
Q: What Xactly is 3X Data?
A: You've heard of 'X' Certificate films? 3X has to be three times more horrible & shocking & liable to corrupt young minds.
Q: So, highly desirable to some people?
A: That's the way it goes.
Are we surprised that the middle-class, entitled people who are organizing the Xtinctionist rabble are some of the world's most enthusiastic polluters by their own definition? Not really. In fact, the way the world works, we'd be surprised only if they weren't some of the worst people on The Planet.
Sunday Nite in Winnipeg; no lead is safe
A penalty kyboshed the Blue Bomber opening drive. The visiting Stampeders managed a FG. Bailey sprinted to the CS 2, Harris went in for a TD, the PAT kick missed, 3-6. Cue defence until the Stamps made it 6-all with a FG in the 5th minute of Q2.
The Stamps fumbled the ball away going for a 3rd & 1, giving the BB a FG. A 17-yard TD run by Carey made the half-time score 13-9. The second BB drive of Q3 could have included a 76 yard TD pass from Collards to Lawler. Cancelled on review, just a pass to the CS 43, on to a FG and 13-12.
Defence into Q4. The BB made 4 yards on a 3rd & inches, on to a FG and a 13-15 lead in the 9th minute. The Stamps went ahead with a FG with 1:49 on the clock. A roughing the passer call on the Stamps got the BB to the CS 37.
A FG kick missed!! But the play clock was on 00!! Time count violation, back 10 yards, kick again, success!! Right down the middle!! 16-18 with 37 seconds left. Paredes got a chance to equal his season long FG of 52 yards for a walk-off win with 0:00 on the clock . . . wide right.
Prince Hairy & Mhegan the Merciless considered trying to make a huge publicity splash for themselves by claiming one of the Royal Family is rachelist and naming a name.
But they chickened out when they were confronted with how many billions of bucks in libel damages, legal vulture fees and court costs would be hoovered out of their vast fortune, turning it into mere pocket change, according to the latest update to their fictional and non-authorized and nothing to do with them autobiology glug.
People who want to boo footballer Ronald Ho when he cheats will no longer have to go abroad. He will be working for Man. Utd. again @ £480K/week.
Cue a chorus of We hate Man. Utd. and we hate Man. Utd.
China has been successful in sabotaging the WHO investigation into the origin of its plague. The use of this obfuscation tactic is now being taken as confirmation that the coronavirus plague did indeed escape from the lab in Wuhan, where it was brewed up.
Q: How much support from the Unite union's 1.4 million members do you need to become the new boss?
A: A massive 3.3% of the members voted for the winner of the competition compared to 2.99% & 2.5% for her rivals.
The new boss is in charge of the union's department which directs intimidation campaigns against company executives, their families and people who know them. Something which can backfire with disastrous consequences for her members.
The Europeon mainlanders seem to have a hell of a lot to say about Creaky Joe pulling US troops out of Afghanistan but, of course, nothing was on offer in the way of gap-plugging. In line with the EFU's motto of Moan, Groan, Do Nowt.
“They're not even chocolate teapots, which are useless for making tea but you can enjoy the chocolate. Nothing about the EFU to enjoy, though.” Hazel M'nure
Another major drain on the National Grid's electricity has turned out to be the police. Their use of tasers is doubling every 4 years and the bill for recharging them is getting astronomical.
Reports suggest that having a K is an enormous embarrassment to Sirk Reepy and that's why the Speaker (or his deputies) of the House of Common Criminals now addresses the Labour honcho as Mr. Steamer.
“The ceremony of innocence is drowned. Shame that event happened for those who live where Islamists roam some 14 centuries ago and the light isn't due to come back again for 200-400 years, if we use Christianity as a guide.” Les Éfair
“What would be the point of wasting a whole bunch of taxpayers' money on reopening the inquest into the Brits who died when Alky Ida crashed airliners into the World Trade Centre in New York on a September day 20 years ago? No coroner is going to buy the silly story that the twin towers were blown up by the US government just before the planes hit them.” Salami Tsunami
“No inquest unless the conspiracy crew pay the entire cost of the circus from soup to nuts, not the rest of us.” J.P. Gauleiter
Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.
|Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium.|
© RAL, August MM21 like anyone cares