Q: Why do we keep getting fobbed off with the old stuff, Covid-19? Why do we never get any of the new stuff, Covid-21?
A: Blame the EFU. It's bound to be their fault. Everything else is.
[No doubt Vajid Javid, our new, dynamic Health Sec., has the problem well in hand. Ed.]
“Why would anyone object to a painting by Mr. Whistler which includes a tiny image of a tethered black boy when it gives wonks the opportunity to say: 'Look how far we've come since then' and feel obscenely smug?” Ricky Tyres
“Which ignores the fact that slavery has been going on forever and it's still happening today. And the wonks could well be profiting from it unawares by buying products created by slave labour. Oh, the agony of that!” Enn Jineer
Polish them pantz!
Sir Kreepy Steamer is rumoured to believe that his road to personal salvation as Labour's leader lies along the route of picking a fight with the BLAME Bunch.
They want to abolish the police to make life easier for criminals. Our former Director of Public Prostitutions wants to cancel the plan to build a new royal yacht and spend the £200 MILLION on more CCTV and an army of PCSOs to make life a bitch for BLAME Bunchers.
“His problem is that it's a lousy job but he knows he'll look like a total pillock when he's binned.” Russ Bustle
Britain is one of the most unwonk places in the world!! Thus we are clearly right to believe that all foreigners are vastly inferior to the Britisch. That's what a survey by Professor Duffy of King's College, London, turned up. Ta, for that, Prof!
“The Putinstanis shot off some ammo 'near' a British warship in the Black Sea? Okay, where is our destroyer in the picture they bunged on the interweb. Ah, could it be that dot on the horizon? Curious definition of near.” Enton Thes
“The chairmanship of the British Museum must be a complete non-job if G. '19-Jobs' Osborne is doing it for free in his spare time. Just a fancy title and the minions do any work?” Vajid Vengelence
Q: What exactly do you get if you pay hard cash for a 6-second video clip of tennis pro A. Murray in action but you don't end up owning the copyright?
A: A hole in your pocket and a piece of paper claiming to be a non-fungicidal token. Or maybe just a JPG of it.
The Church of England is abolishing the title of Reverend because it has had/still has too many nasty bastards in its ranks.
Abolishing the title, high heid yins of the CoE think, will make the problem go away and stop the abuse of the vulnerable by people in what should be positions of moral authority..
It might even wash away the stain of having benefitted from slavery centuries ago.
I. Ackerley, the boss of NSANDI, who presided over a MASSIVE outflow of cash to escape his miserable & prethetic interest rates, has been awarded a £30,000 bonus for failure. Ain't life grand in the public sector?
Western Canada and the north-west of the United States are sweltering in record temperatures and experiencing a rise in the death rate, which is being blamed on gorbal warmage.
But let us not lose sight of the inescapable fact that cold kills ten times more people than heat during the year. In terms of population survival, therefore, warmer is better.
Amazon & Gooble are under investigation by the Competition & Markets Authority to see if they can be fined for breaking the law by failing to do enuff to cancel fake reviews of the stuff sold from their platforms & market places.
“The way things are going in the direction of being painfully political, the guest list for the unveiling of the much delayed Princess Di statue won't breach the Rule of Six.” A. Reader
“Especially if Prince Hairy 'accidentally' gets locked in his mini-quarantine quarters @ Frogpond Cottage.” A. Ditto
SNAFU in Europe
The Jairmans & Frogs want to keep the Britisch out in revenge for Brexit. The Greeks & Spanish want to welcome paying customers, especially if they've been vaccinated against the Chinese plague, unlike Jairmans & Frogs. So also do a few less vocal others.
One in the eye for Miserable Mherkel & Moocher MacRon.
“Something most people would like to see is Moaner Mherkel go into a long period of isolation. Preferably down a deep, dark hole with no phone or internet service.” Nick O'Teen
“Now that the euphoria has ebbed, we're going to have to confront the unwelcome fact that on past form, England won't beat Germany again in a major football tournament until 2076!” Keiko Agenda
Thanks to having had Jonah Burnham as our local Police & Crime Commissioner before he became the cosmetic mayor, not even GMP cops have any confidence in their own force.
They think reporting a crime to their organization would be a complete waste of time, and the rank & file coppers are applying for transfers elsewhere in record & unprecedented numbers.
The boss of Ofcom, the broadcasting regulator, has upset the wonk community mightily by announcing that he has seen nothing at all problematic on GB Views, the new channel which would be a bête noire if the wonks allowed bêtes to be noire; something they are too rachelist to do.
Blast From The Past (2005)
“There might be palpable public anger @ the Hancock imbroglioor a confected appearance of it in the London Bubblebut so what? There will be something bigger and better to wipe it out of recollection ere long. Because what Little John of the Daily Mail calls Fleet Street's monstrous regiment of Glendas are always desperate for something to yell about, no matter how trivial everyone else considers it to be.” Marge Fence
“Now it's back in the news because it is being phased outis it correct to call people on furlough 'workers' if they're not actually working?” Antonio B. Liar
Despite the Chinese plague, the human ancestor trade is thriving. Remains found in Palestine are believed to be of a 140,000 year old ancestor of Neanderthal man, and a skull of similar vintage, which languished in a Chinese well for 85 years after its discovery in 1932, is now a closer relative of H. sapiens than the Neanderthals.
Turn your Staycation into a Fabrication
Everything you could possibly needmaterials, tools, advice
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“Prince Hairy Wails needs to realize that playing the poor stinker card, and doing things like claiming your dad cut off your pocket money when he didn't, might work on the west side of the Atlantic, but we on this side expect some fortitude from our Royals.” S.T. Reader
“Worse, his antics are causing people to wonder exactly what such a mental 'elf did in the Afghanistan war zone. Was he saving the world from the Talibandits? Or did he just make sure the cutlery in the officers' mess was in the right order and the napkins were folded correctly? And did he put his soldier suit on only for photo calls?” Baget Rattique
You can now blag a cupro-nickel 2021 Olympics 50p coin with '2020' and lots of sports symbols on the reversebut no mention of Tokio. Only £12.99 (cheap)
If you see more child criminals lurking about, it's because they're bunking off school in their tens of thousands, taking advantage of the chaos caused by the Chinese plague to join criminal gangs.
The effects of the crime epidemic in London are likely to be less than elsewhere, however, as teenage gangsters are killing one another off in record numbers.
MPs are being given the chance to create Tips Narzis, who will persecute eatery owners who grab tips intended for their staff. But not until September and not unless the government doesn't stand in the way of the private member's bill.
A triumph of dog-whistle rachelism?
Labour holds Batley in a by-election thanks to the murdered MP sympathy vote. Jonah Burnham in tears at this relieving of the pressure on Sir Kreepy Steamer and a blow to the Jonah campaign to be the next Labour leader.
The information on food packagingthe stuff everyone ignoresis to be augmented by an eco rating. Just more green bollocks and jobs for the unemployable.
“That was a brilliant idealeaving some 'secret' documents in a bus shelter, knowing they'd be passed on to the BBC and thence to the Kremlin to let the buggers in Putinstan know we're not impressed by their antics in the Black Sea.” Prel Damage
The backstabbers are lining up their sights on new 'Elf Sec. Vajid Javid even before he's made himself comfortable in his latest office chair. As a certified Friend of Scary Carrie, there are 'useless bugger' tags being printed to pin on him. Including an extra large one to be affixed by Desperate Dom, who is not an admirer of either The Vaj or Carrie.
“If morally obnoxious behaviour became grounds for cancelling a politician, the House of Common Criminals and the House of Frauds would be emptied in short order.” D.O. Shanblida
“And we wouldn't have to fork out squillions for refurbishing the Palace of Westmonster. We could just sell it off and let some cowboy developer do something appalling on a prime piece of Thamesside real estate.” Partial Cornwell
Artisan bakers are being urged to reduce the size of their loaves as slices from them tend to be too big to fit into toasters.
Cutting big bread in half is evidently outwith the capabilities of some toaster fans, especially those with no access to a grill, which would tackle big bread with no problems. And sandwich-makers are quite happy with the size of artisan bread and liable to get into punch-ups if they come across obstructive toaster fans.
The French police have caught up with the woman who caused a major crash during the first leg of Autour de France by stepping out into the road with her back to the riders to hold up a sign toward TV cameras.
She faces a year in gaol and a fine of €20,000. Or she could get away with it if the judge is dotty enough. Even better, she might be able to afford a fine as the tour organizer has decided not sue the pants off her.
TONITE’s FILM: Alien Obligation (2021)
A vast alien spacecraft wearing a Confederate flag parks above the Capitol building in Washington, D.C. It is there to help the South to rise again in order to repay an ancient debt . . .
Q: If people are having to spend less on heating during the winter coz of gorbal warmage, what's stopping them from spending the cash they save on keeping cool in summer and thereby adapting to a changed climate?
A: Just a false perception that this is not oncreate by GW swindlers, who are after that surplus cash.
We’ll let you know, mate!
P. Picasso's Head of a Woman (1939) might be priceless but the painting, which has been surrendered by the bloke who stole it from the National Gallery in Athens gallery 9 years ago, is hardly a work of art of any great merit.
“And I'm willing to bet serious money that he never ever met a woman who looked anything like that. Except, maybe, in a DT nightmare.” Bill E. Clinic
“Looks like Cubism from the school of under the influence of LSD on a cube of sugar.” Jane Plan
One of those totally useless surveys has found that most people with a garage have so much junk in it that they can't put a car inside.
If you have a wonky heart, you are more likely to develop some type of cancer than someone non-wonky, Xperts in Germany have concluded. Which has to be further proof that the Universe hates us.
There could be another boycott on the wayof everything made by McVitie if the Turkish owners of the company close the biscuit factory in Glasgow.
The latest gadget for the persistently o'bese and masochistic is sets of super-magnets, which are glued to the back of molars to prevent the victim from opening their mouth more than 2 millimetres to ensure that a liquid-only diet has to be followed.
“Okay, so after the glue has set and the mouth can't be opened more than 2 mm, how the hell does anyone have the magnets extracted? Or are they supposed to stay there permanently?” Kevin Express
Those who are TOUGH are unfazed
by gorbal warmage
TwatterTube Sensation: Nothing changes. Back in 2005, the BBC was getting a kicking from BFN over its (lack of) political impartiality.
The US state of Pennsylvania faces bankruptcy after it has paid an enormous amount of compenbloodysation to the entertainer B. Crosby for railroading him into gaol illegally and with prejudice.
Q: Why were they handing out pinque wrist bands to doubly vaccinated and plague negative-tested fans @ bloody Wimbledon and making them look like a gang of poofters?
A: Someone probably got a job lot of surplus ones left over from some campaign or other.
“Whatever colour they pick, there will be someone complaining about being made to look like a commie, an Islamist, a coward, a customer of the Algae Boutique, a Man. City fan or whatever. A pin-on badge with the slogan 'Probably Safe' is probably much too obvious and sensible.” Opta Cruise
“Bloody Wimbledon is also doing its bit for the not-so-great gorbal warmage swindle by offering lotz of GW propaganda and being pious about it.” Amber Soul
“Does anyone really care if President Boris is digging his own political grave over Hancock's Having It Away? Politicians are infinitely replaceable. When one goes, there is a whole crew of them jostling for the fancy job title.
“And is Boris likely to be bovvered about being obliged to return to the real world and earning enough cash to support his tribe? Joke!” Claudia Wrinkleperson
[If you are falling for any of the Kreepy confected outrage at what's going on @ Westminster, have a look at what BFN was reporting at this time of year in 2005, when New Labour was setting new world records for sleaze. Ed.]
The same-sex toilet industry is having an uphill PR battle. 91.2% of people think same-sexers in places outside the home should be for other people only and the majority should be entitled to their separates.
Providing separate evacuation facilities in public spaces & workplaces is something the Communities Sec. is supposed to be making a legal requirement, but don't hold your breath.
Catch 22 Rides Again
Schools are being told that they need to have reports on what they are doing about sexual harassment ready to show to Ofsted stooges.
And if there have been no complaints made @ a particular school, the teaching staff are going to have to confect something to avoid being given a failing grade by the jobsworth inspector.
Another Blast From The Past: Also in 2005, scaremongers were claiming that hospital Bibles were spreading MRSA. Any sign that they are recycling the tale with the Chinese plague as the vector?
“Covid-21 : Wake me up when it's all over.” Smerk McGurk
Quarantine is being dispelled in dribs & drabs. Foreign football trough-scoffers don't have to do it. Foreign business people who are likely to be of economic benefit to the UK don't have to do it. Special Interest Group by SAG, it is on the way out. Until, eventually, everyone will be arguing about when it actually ended.
Well, why not?
The latest conspiracy theory is that it's the faction which wants to unlock the economy that is behind the leak of video pictures of Hancock's Half Hour in a clinch with an associate. It was done as a way of getting shot of a bloke who was under the thumb of the Professors of Doom so that the more hawkish Vajid Javid could replace him.
“That was a really ruthless Hancock Plan the unlockers came up with. One minute, the Professors of Doom were feeling in charge. The next, they got a Vajocet missile up the bum to blast them into toast and insignificance. Really, really cute!” Charlie Dome
“Next question: what else do the unlockers have up their sleeves for the obstructionists?” Holly Day
Q: Why did the princess kiss the wealthy businessman?
A: So she could turn him into a frog and steal his Rolls-Royce.
A nerd @ a university in middle America is claiming that the French diet is ray-sist because they eat too much white food, a practice which amounts to a two-finger salute to all ethnics. Prethetic, or what!
Boos and cheers before England played Ukraine at the weekend in Rome, where that trick of playing loud music to drown out protests wasn't used. Thus the world could judge the degree of contempt felt for England for doing the Knee of Shame and the amount of cheering Ukraine got for not indulging in the poisonous gesture.
Police here made themselves even more popular by putting the boot in to celebrating football fans after England's 2-0 win, especially in London.
Another blow to those who want the dinosaurs to have been tipped over the edge into Xtinction by that Mexican meteor strike! Xperts in France are now suggesting that their decline began 76 million years ago, 10 million years before the meteor strike, which was just a blip, kicking the dinos while they were down, rather than a turning point. It's tough, but science does have a habit of baffling BS.
“Who is this sports person Anne D. Murray we keep hearing about? Anyone we should be interested in?” Marq Hess
[Probably not. Ed.]
Not much charity there
As well as a haven for sexploiters, Oxfam has been exposed as a fascistic home of fanatical anti-white rachelism.
It's true. Hancock's Half Hour was sunk by a chancer with an anti-locko agenda, who was trying to flog a version of that video up to a week before it went public and put the Westminster Bubble into a state of hysteria.
The only thing that prevented the sale, we are told, is that the version on offer was of dreadful quality and it looked not very well faked.
“Probably by a Picasso imitator.” Slasha Doyle
The CCTV spy camera was installed by a company which is banned in the Untied States on account of suspicions that it is in the pocket of the Chinese regime. The security of the Ministry of Health building is handled by a private firm.
President Boris has upset the Westmonster Bubble drama queens mightily by not taking them serious.
Q: Are the Devon police being cute when they describe the discovery of a headless corpse as a suspicious death rather than a murder?
A: That's where the smart money is going.
The verdict on the Princess Di statue is a thumbs down. Putting her in charge of a couple of anonymous generic kids makes her look like a frumpy playgroup leader. Oh, well, it's not exactly easy to find in the Sunken Garden at Kensington Palace, and hardly anyone is going to see it.
Hysteria can be counterproductive
The Warmists are moving toward a degree of cunning and away from their traditional shameless blatancy.
Thus climate change is merely 'contributing' to the once in a millennium 'heat dome' over western Canada and the Untied States, which have been experiencing temperatures north of 120 deg.F and incredibly destructive wild fires.
Q: Is it surprising that viewing figures for GB Views have dropped from the initial levels?
A: Nope. That's just the curiosity & novelty factors wearing off.
Yesterday's 4th of July celebrations in the Untied States were non-existent in areas around colleges and other educational establishments. Millennial snoflakes are now embarrassed about being Americansif not totally ashamed of itthanks to the poisonous woke 'culture'.
Q: Will Africa ever be prosperous and not an embarrassment?
A: It has been prosperous in recent historical times only when white people were in charge of organizing the place and that ain't gonna happen again. The anti-white ray-sists will see to that.
M. Le Pen is getting a kicking from her grass roots. They think she is making the National Rally party far too mainstream and electable when it should be extremist and unelectable. Something which Sir Kreepy Steamer also seems to be doing by trying to wrapping himself in the Union flag.
Q: Did the Suffragettes die to give Millennial feminists the right to turn a blind eye to TV trash like ITV's L:ove I:sland?
A: No, they all died of old age, in the main, completely unaware of what would be considered to be mass entertainment, by some, in the 21st century.
MPs are keen to fine schools which embrace the cancel culture as well as the universities where it is rife.
Q: What do you do if your village in Wisconsin is called Plover but the wonk who painted the name on a GIANT water tower got one of the templates backwards and rendered it as 'PLVOER'?
A: Decide that you like the typo and the publicity it gives you and vote not to correct it.
Very Little Helps (but not very much)
The Pound in yer pocket
The Treasury is working on making the use of cash a 'uman bluddy right and frustrating the attempts of the wonks who want us to go cashless.
Banks will be placed under an obligation to ensure that there is nationwide access to coins and notes, and the distribution of free-to-use cash machines will be evened out. Communities currently with no access to physical money will get it. Maybe.
Does anyone really care that the wives of Eric Morcambe & Ernie Wise didn't get on and they didn't hang out together? No?
Kanzler Mherkel will permit doubly jabbed Brits to visit Germany "in the foreseeable future". Say, about 2025?
Those People have been trying to brew up a scare story about an EFU ban on Britisch tourists who have had doses of the AstraZeneca vaccine brewed up in India. They claim it's not recognized by the EFU and up to 5 million people could be affected.
Our government has blown the story out of the water with the revelation that the brew in question, which has been approved by the WHO, hasn't been used in the UK. So there.
Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel. Hence the Labour party's sudden conversion to the Buy Britisch cause.
How very dare you tell them the truth!!!!!
The BBCyes, the wonky national broadcasterput the Warmist cult into a tail spin by daring to provide GCSE revision tips which included 9 benefits of a warmer climate.
All of these positives have now been binned in favour of the usual wall-to-wall death, doom & disaster wails from Warmists with their hands out for taxpayers' cash to waste. Chief Warmist Moonbat Monoblot is said to have come within a whisker of Xploding with fury; a detonation which could have wiped out life on 50% of The Planet.
The Warmistsand the Beeb after its kickingwould prefer us not to know that:
1. warmer conditions and higher carbon dioxide levels encourage plant growth
2. and a longer growing season
3. some animals & plants will benefit from a warmer climate
4. new shipping routes, e.g. the northwest passage, will become available
5. ice melting in frozen areas of Alaska & Siberia will make oil recovery cheaper & easier
6. and currently frozen regions, e.g. in Canada & Siberia, will be able to grow crops
7. energy consumption will decrease in a warmer climate
8. new tourist destinations will become available
9. warmer temperatures lead to healthier outdoor lifestyles
Here's something to tell all Those People who are making a living out of the hate-crime industry of confecting stories about how appalling and dreadful Britisch history is:
“Just think, if none of that had happened, you'd be totally unemployable.”
One of the pushy gits who personhandled Professor of Doom C. Whitty has been sacked by this estate agency employer for bringing the biz the wrong sort of publicity.
President Boris has decided not to get involved in deciding whether Skiving @ Home should be the new normal. He's leaving it up to employers to choose.
£500 MILLION spent on food & drink on the Saturday of England's football match with Ukraine but only a guestimate of £348 million for today's more important match against Denmark @ Wembley. Looks like it's just a case of think of a number.
“It's a wonder they didn't tack on a decimal point to try to make the guess look scientific.” Grant Clanger
Q: If gamblers are losing £6 million quid a day (each?), why doesn't the government nationalize gambling and do something useful with the vast profits?
A: There's your big mistakeassuming the government would do something useful with the cash.
Strident is as strident does
Canadians, mainly out west in Manitoba & Alberta, but also in the wonk regions of Toronto, have joined the anti-statuary movement, hurling red paint @ statues of Queen Victoria & Queen Elizabeth II before vandalizing them.
The misdeeds of the Catholic church and its persecution of indigenous children are at the back of the outrages which the rioters are using as their excuse, but no churches have been burnt to the ground. Yet.
The charity the Royal National Lifeboat Institution has joined in with the Border Farce's efforts to transport migrants across the Channel. Like the BF, RNLI vessels are going into French waters to hoover up passengers.
Appreciation index zero
President Boris' food tsar, fast food chain founder H. Dimbleby, is in trouble over the tax on salt, which is being positioned as a poor people's crisp & burger tax created to persecute them by a member of the middle class.
Cycle of futility
A medical Xpert reckons that the people who resort to slimming by having their jaws clamped to a 2-mm opening with super-magnets are just like those people who had their jaws surgically wired together when it was fashionable in the 1980s.
Back then, cheaters were scoffing liquidized Mars bars and other goodies. And when the wires were removed, the customers tended to pile on pounds again and become super-sized once more.
Home Sec. P. Patel is minded to make arriving in the UK without valid entry permission a criminal offence with a penalty of up to 4 years in gaol. Which is bad news for the Border Farce and the lifeboat charity the RNLI as they are liable to be busted as accessories if they hoover up migrants in the Channel, especially if they do it in French waters, and bring them to the UK.
The maximum sentence for people-moving is to go up to life imprisonment. But are any of the traffickers ever caught?
Q: What's a good way to get noticed by the papers if your landscape architecture colleagues don't want to know your ideas?
A: Claim that what we call Stonehenge is just the skeleton of some of the foundations of a vast Neolithic thatched worship centre that looked a bit like the Albert Hall.
World Recordwe just knew she was good for something
Wee Burneystan is the biggest hotspot for the Chinese plague in Europe.
Q: What's a good way to create a work of fiction which will get noticed internationally?
A: Claim that someone famous and dead (so they can't sue you for libel) killed someone else famous and dead, that someone famous and dead was a witness and the police were in on it too.
For instance, you could claim that the Kennedy clan killed M. Monroe, R. Kennedy administered the poison, the film actor P. Lawford was the spectator and cops from LAPD and Beverley Hills covered everything up.
Account Settled by Olive Resus
The sensational story of how the Kennedy clan murdered the film star Marilyn Monroe in 1962 and the leading players failed to get away with it.
A year later, the shadowy Friends of Marilyn settled the hash of President J.F. Kennedy, who trifled with her.
Three years later, presidential hopeful R.F. Kennedy was sent to his reward for doing in the screen goddess.
Only now can the full shocking story be told!!
Pickle magnate R. Branston is hoping to trump the ace of a fellow commercial space pioneer; the Amazonian J.B. Zos; by taking a trip 55 miles up to the edge of space in his Virgin Galactic hybrid aircraft 9 days before Mr. Zos and his SpaceX vehicle go 60 miles up.
"This is not a competition," sez Branston.
"Yeah, right," sez the rest of us.
China is building prisons disguised as nuclear missile silos in the desert near the north-western city of Yumen. It is suspected that dissidents from Hong Kong and inconvenient Moslems will be disappeared here.
The vanishing act will be performed after the state's enemies have had their heads bashed, as announced by President Xi in his latest official policy statement. Any survivors of the bashing treatment will fit comfortably into the new prison complex as their numbers are not expected to be huge.
Q: We are supposed to reach Step Four of the government's unlocko programme on July 19th, but what were Steps One to Three?
A: Nobody remembers but it will be on the official government website somewhere.
Delusion in need of popping
Perhaps the reason why Strewth Davidson is the ex-leader of the Scottish Conservatives is that she doesn't know what she's talking about.
She claims that cutting the foreign aid budget to 0.5% of GDP, which is supported by 60% of the electorate, would risk taking the Tories back to being the nasty party again.
There's one rather huge problem with that idea. The Tories never were the nasty partyexcept in the fevered imaginations of some of the more excitable inmates of the Westminster Bubble.
“Right! It's a gross libel confected by a wobbler with a grudge against the party for not letting her be in charge.” Penosha Orange
“And look what a mess TheRazor May made of things when she did get a shot at being in charge.” Jim-Al Brook
Think of a number
The bean counters are claiming that customers @ schools lost 1 BILLION days of education as a result of the chaos caused by the Chinese plague pandemic. But whether or not this figure has been adjusted for truanting; which could well halve it, has not been disclosed.
Them grapes have gorn orfsourer than conc. sulphuric acid!
Scottish football fans are moaning that the BBC's coverage of the Euro 2020 jamboree is giving too much support to England (still in it) and not enough to Scotland (out of it). Maybe they should be reminded that if there is no pleasing some people, nobody will see any point in trying.
“Sir Kreepy Steamer must be off the ball, despite all his pretence of being a football fanatic, if he hasn't spotted that his scriptrotter is recycling naff slogans from the new labour/tony b. liar era.” Chris Extra
The BLAME Bunchers and their supporters would have us believe that all historic varieties of slave trading were not equal. Those conducted by white people were somehow much worse than those run by people from Africa, the Middle East, the Orient and elsewhere.
“So it was okay for Africans to enslave fellow Africans, but if they sold their victims on to Europeons, that turned the whole business into a terrible crime against humanity? That makes sense. If your brain is switched off.” Ellen Burger
Tonite's TV Treat: 9:00 pm on TrifficTV Agatha Christie's Raisin A new case for the lady detective
Tomorrow's TV Treat: 9:00 pm on TrifficTV Agatha Raisin's Christie: The Revenge
Attention all those who try to be perfect every day. If it doesn't come naturally and you have to strain, you're wasting your time and distressing your mental 'elf.
Misery still loves company
As did World War II, the Chinese plague has created in the country a sense of unity, community and impunity. We're all in it together, and we're all stuck in our homes and our local areaapart from those who think the rules don't apply to them if no one is looking.
And, of course, there are those who think that their being miserable gives them a licence to ensure that they make everyone else in the country miserable. Just what we need.
Par for the course
It comes as no surprise to learn that a survey has shown that Labour, traditionally the party of intolerance, has embraced the cancel culture with enthusiasm.
The party of communists and Scaregills has a long and inglorious history of scabbing anyone who disagrees with its looney left views. Only now it's called cancelling.
It's all part of an anti-Britishand now also anti-whiteagenda, with over half of Labour's supporters wanting to portray their country as rachelist and unable to appreciate weird & attention-seeking minorities.
“And the big problem for Sir Kreepy Steamer is that the more he sucks up to the cancellers, the more he loses the votes of the sensible part of the population.” Debbie DiVerse
The Doctors of Doom are at it again. Unlocking could unleash another variation of the Chinese plague which will be resistant to vaccines. England playing Ukraine at Wembley could have created a vast and unimaginably dangerous spike in known varieties of the Chinese plague. The increased activity of unlocking could attract hostile aliens, who will arrive in force to enslave us.
“As long as these aliens don't have white skins, that will be perfectly okay.” Eric Salted
Scary Carrie is reported to be demanding that President Boris creates a Lobster Termination Police Force, which will make sure that lobsters are killed humanely before consumption and not boiled alive.
The plague conditions in Japan are so bad that the government is considering banning spectators from the whole of their Olympics and making it a TV only event.
Things are now so bad there that they've had to do it.
Drought, temperatures north of 50 deg.C and massive power blackouts have sent Iranians into the streets to do their 'Death to' chant aimed at their boss-for-life, the Ayatollah Bunchacommies. The police and the army are reported to be too shagged out and fed up to be bothered with the usual massacres of the protesters.
Yesterday's cheeky bugger call came from 01202 137 127 in the form of a recorded voice asking the victim to use their phone keypad to answer 10 questions about their personal circumstances.
Get a grip, you useless bunch
The prime monster says wearing a face mask will stop being a legal requirement when Step Four expires but it's a good idea to go on wearing them. Why should the Wonk Tendency start a row about that?
You can do it or not, as you wish, and you can choose to avoid or associate with people according to whether or not they're wearing a mask.
Are the wonks in favour of everyone getting a Personal Plague Conduct Monitor to tell them what they can and can't do minute by minute? Just because a few of Those People are incapable of organizing their lives without someone else holding their hand?
“No surprise that it's happening already. Those People are talking up a desperate and deadly conflict between masked & unmasked people. Open warfare in the streets, in shops, in supermarkets, in eateries & drinkeries, in fact, in every space where masking is optional. The big mystery is what are they getting out of it?” Russell Intercept
“Maybe they're selling knuckledusters and zombie knives on Mr. Internet and hoping to get filthy rich.” Boz Saint-Russeau
“Looks like the only safe place to be, if you venture out of your home, will be on a bus or train, where masking will remain the rule and only a certifiable nutter can kick up a fuss about wearing one.” Somer van Valk
Q: Is anyone still listening to Desperate Dom? Other than Those People who make a living out of being shocked, of course.
A: Real people aren't any more.
The last time England's team was in with a chance in a European final was in 1066. As in this year, we hammered the Danes. But we did it Up North.
Our lads were then faced with a 3-day forced march to the fixture near Hastings. They arrived too shagged out to give the French much competition. This is something we need to bear in mind for tomorrow's match with Italy.
We are pretty well one-all with Italy. England saw off Julius Caesar eventually but lost the rematch with the Emperor Claudius.
The way it goes
You happen to have a tin of the cat's tuna that you bought earlier in the Thatcher Cupboard but it seemed like a good idea to buy another when you were in the supermarket. And when you see the two together, you immediately think: "That's definitely smaller." And when you compare the new directly with the old, you're right.
The price remains the same but the contents of the tin; and the tin itself, have shrunk, putting the price up by about 10%. Sneaky or what!
Have they done the same trick with the 4-packs of tuna, which lacked ring-pulls on the tins and were 11% cheaper than buying the individual tins with ring pulls?
We can't tell you. Our consumer correspondent reported that the 4-packs were out of stock when he made his last expedition to Romiley's Aldi branch.
Not exactly rays of sunshine
The Professors of Purgatory, Whitty & Valance, are predicting that unlocko will last for only about 10 minutes before Lock-in Four is forced upon an ungrateful nation. For which they will get the blame.
HOPE or just Ho! Politically Expedient?
Where are police farces going wrong?
They are looking to recruit millennial snoflakes with a degree instead of former members of the armed services, who would be much better suited to The Job, even if they don't have that vital and totally superfluous degree.
As long as the Home Office remains full of idiots on the public payroll and making vital decisions, nothing is going to improve.
“That's new labour's lasting & shameful legacy to the nationall the degree-bearing idiots who are now senior coppers and who don't think public safety is anything to do with them.” Eck Srated
The manager of England's national football team, G. Southgate, will get a knighthood if his team wins the Euros and the bum's rush if they don't.
Predictably, the TUC is yelling for a day off on Monday after the England v Italy match.
Bang goes the best Xcuse in the world. Cleaning the house too much doesn't make young children more vulnerable to diseases by eliminating good bugs with bad ones.
The only problems kids are likely to have arise from using modern cleaning products instead of traditional ones and elbow grease.
The BBC has spent millions of pounds of licence-payers' money on a complete makeover of its logo. We are expected to be impressed by the use of the Beeb's own, personal typefaceBBC Reithas a cost-saving measure and not notice that the new design (top, right) looks exactly like a bad attempt to make a copy of the crumbling old design (bottom, right).
Contempt for the customer remains a constant @ the Bollocks Broadchasing Company.
The Beeb's pride in its brand new logo has been dented severely by accusations of rachelism. "Look @ all that Xtra WHITE space!" screamed one of Those People when confronted by it.
She then became hysterical & incoherent before Xploding messily all over the landscape.
US & UK troops are out of Afghanistan and it is about to become entirely Talibanstan.
How smart are smartphones if they increase your chances of getting cancer? That's what the latest efforts by the statistical bods have come up with.
Some wonk who is desperate for something to do has come up with the correct way to eat a digestive biscuit with chocolate on one side. You have to grasp it with the chocolate side uppermost to give your eyes a treat but flip it to chocolate side down when you bite it to give your tongue a chocolate treat. Got that?
Rumbled The advice turns out to be a PR stunt by the Turkish firm Pladis aimed at deflecting attention from their plan to close the McVitie biscuit factory in Glasgow and put half the population out of work.
The Chinese plague causes Reptile Dysfunction!!
[Or not, given the sample size. Ed.]
A NeatFlix trailer for the latest episode of the Haz 'n' Maz Saga was laughed to a standstill when it reached the scene where the desperate duo are seen digging an escape tunnel to get away from Haz's domineering father.
“Fair dos. The Colditz Story is probably long overdue for recycling in a remake.” Dave Monoblot
Q: What is being done about the scandal of fumigate?
A: Probably about as much as is being done about every other meaningful word that ends with 'gate'.
“We could probably do without negate, as applied by the cancel culture. And litigate by people who do it vexatiously.” Scotch Gordon
ATTENTION: Thai Kwonk Do classes are held on Romiley Rec on most sunny afternoons. Safe spacing observed. Masks required.
Just so you know . . .
The cosmetic target of confecting zero carbon emissions by the UK,
which will have zero effect on the climate of The Planet, will cost the nation
£1,400,000,000,000 in additional taxesdirect, indirect & stealth.
Scrapping the school bubble system, which sends an entire class to Skive @ Home if one member tests positive for the Chinese plague, on the 19th of this month won't result in a massive surge of the plague. Why? Because most schools will be closing down for the summer hols in this week. Sound planning by the new Health Sec. Vajid Javid.
If Education Sec. G. Williamson gets his way, universities will have to decide whether it would be cheaper to cough up a fine of £500K as the alternative to a return to face-to-face teaching and being required to provide online lectures of decent quality.
Q: Was it news that The Queen and President Boris both wished the England football team the best of luck?
A: It would have been news only if they hadn't.
Bookies take a beating. All the smart money was on one-all after extra time and England to lose on penalties. The manager's knighthood up the creek now.
“No doubt President Boris is glad he didn't make today a flash bank holiday.” Sen Trarf
“No doubt the TUC will be yelling for three days of national mourning.” Seeni TallB4
Pickle magnate R. Branston's jaunt to the edge of space in his personal space plane went off successfully as far as raining on the parade of Amazonian J.B. Zos is concerned. Mr. Zos isn't planning to make his excursion until July 20th, the 52nd anniversary of the Apollo 11 Moon landing.
Life won't get back to what used to be normal until March or April of next year, Prof. of Doom C. Whitty reckons. And there are two big problems with that:
1. No one will remember what normal used to be like and it will have to be reinvented with endless arguing back and forward, and
2. the Professors of Doom will have found a new Xcuse for plunging the entire nation back into yet another locko.
p.s. Don't bank on having a traditional Christmas this year. The Ps of D are bound to have up their sleeves, something which will put the kybosh on it.
Q: Will unlocking really result in 3.5 million people being placed under house arrest for 10 days?
A: Not if 3 million customers cancel the NHS crApp in order to make themselves uncontrollable.
If not one thing, then another
The Chinese plague has led to a diabetes timebomb, a charity in the sector reckons. Diagnosis and treatment have both gone to hell in the last year and a half. The only positive to be derived from the whole mess is that diabetes, unlike the plague, is not contagious.
A whole new ball game
China is reported to be gearing up to take a crack at Afghanistan and turn it into another client state. Or even an annex to its empire.
A superpower where the leadership is subject to the whims of the populace and unceremonious eviction from office doesn't have the right stuff to tackle the gangs of Talibanstan. Or their refuges in Pakistan.
But none of that applies to China, where the regime has no checks & balances and a free hand everywhere. Let us see how the Talibandits get on with them and the Chinese intolerance of inconvenient Moslems. Not to mention the lack of concern elsewhere for oppressed Chinese Moslems as long as the sweeteners continue to flow.
“Do we need tor rebuild the country in a gender-neutral way, as some wonky MP was demanding of President Boris, or do we need to focus on talent, ability and enthusiasm for the job and let them determine the balance?
“I suppose it all depends on whether we want to build for success or botch a 'perfect' society that doesn't work.” Sleaze Endorser
Highways England, which thinks it's a brilliant idea to use taxpayers' cash to pay its brother-in-law to heap concrete under historic but out of use railway bridges, is in line for cancellation for cultural vandalism.
The wheels come off one by one
Oh, dear! The newspapers have finally started to notice that cosmetic mayors are a bad idea. Sadgeek Khan't (Labour) has presided over the collapse of the transport system in London and an epidemic of knife crime.
Labour leadership hopeful Jonah Burnham has presided over the collapse of Greater Manchester Police into administration and the sacking of the chief constable for being totally useless.
And as for Liverpool (Labour)don't even start.
Q: Does a green hydrogen-fuelled car, which Prince Chuck took for a spin, look anything like International Rescue's (the real one) Thunderbird Two, as a certain newspaper would have us believe?
A: Not even remotely. TB2 is a darker shade of green, it has rocket motors in side pods and it is designed to fly, not charge along roads.
Just so we get things into context with the global warming fraudster jamboree up-coming in Scotland quite soon . . .
“A million people getting the plague every day, the Doctors of Doom reckon? Crumbs! We're going to run out of uncontaminated bodies real fast at that rate. Are we going to end up begging the French to export all their bogus asylum seekers to keep the numbers up?” Strewth Kelly
[Stranger things have happened at sea. Ed.]
“In the national league table of causes of death, the Chinese plague was only 24th in June. Looks like it is getting far too much attention and the Doomsters have got us looking in the wrong direction.” Cola Dangle
Football fans are being blamed as the main super-spreaders, even in Scotland, which means that the end of the Euros is officially a Good Thing.
Footballer M. Rashford, having set himself up as an Aunt Sally, is now getting the blame for England's failure to win the Euros.
Is that fair? Is life fair? Is the Chinese plague fair?
"All possible things have downsides", said Professor of Doom C. Whitty during his lecture to the nation on 2021/07/12, i.e. yesterday.
Two-thirds of the working population are supporting the other one-third under the government's pandemic schemes. Thus the teenage Chancellor has no choice but to wind down furlough to head off a peasant's revolt.
It is a crime against humanity for a bloke doing a broadcast on the BBC to notice that a woman in the picture being transmitted is good looking as it upsets the sad old ugly bags in the audience. It also give outrage confecters an Xcuse to Xplode messily.
Q: Why is Sir Kreepy Steamer against unlocking?
A: He's the leader of Her Majesty's Opposition and he has to be against everything the government does, no matter how sensible it is.
Q: So he's totally superfluous? If we turn everything President Boris & Co. want to do on its head, that's where he is?
A: Right. He's a figurehead and a particularly dull and wooden one.
“Is it possible for Sir Kreepy to whip up public hysteria if he is incapable of faking it himself?” Vlad Blat
“President Boris, we are assured by a dotty old fashionista, would sell his grandmother for a fart. Alas, the lady failed to explain why anyone would possibly want a fart. And whether she was talking about an actual fart or a Non-Fungicidal Token for one.” Desi Cated
Drawing Board Return Recommended
Scary Carrie is in BIG trouble with the Kenyan Wildlife Service over her plan to fly elephants from her charity employer's base in the UK to be dumped in Kenya to 'rewild' them there. Sans visa, sans a ton of paperwork, sans veterinary certificates and sans thinking the crazy scheme through.
"Foreign-bred elephants would just die here", a spokesperson for the KWS pointed out. Why? Because they have no idea how to survive in the terrain and no support network of other elephants.
Q: Why are people parking their car in the street rather than in a garage, even if their garage isn't full of junk?
A: Because if you drive a modern car, which is six feet wide, into an old garage, which is seven feet wide, no one can open a door to get out. And if your aim is a bit off, you could lose a wing mirror.
Deep gloom is likely @ Xmas (if we have one) as the ongoing Animal Welfare Bill is to be extended to include vegetables. Which will make boiling sprouts alive a criminal offence.
Q: Which is worse, a life of endless toil or a life of idleness @ home, waiting for wine o'clock and an Xcuse to pour gallons of booze down your neck?
A: As far as pointlessness goes, they have to come out about even.
“Is it going to be Sir Mark Cavendish after he matched the Eddy Merckx Autour de France stage wins record? Or is he too white and undiverse?” Rod Bashtal
“How many millions of road potholes could be filled with the effort Highways England is wasting on filling holes under old railway bridges?” Karel Contoured
Taking American & British troops out of Afghanistan after 20 wasted years and all those wasted lives was the only answer.
None of the lunatics of the Taliban, the corrupt regime in Kabul, the warlords and the drug barons has anything to offer. Thus the only reason for foreign troops to be there would be to run the place as the locals are incapable of doing it in a civilized fashion.
But as foreign rule would have been unacceptable to the rest of the world, leaving the buggers to the Chinese is the pragmatic course of action.
“And if the West cops for the blame for the deficiencies of the Afghan people, that lets them become members of the victim community. Poor little stinkers.” Tugan That
Two for the price of one! The Doctors of Doom reckon that if someone is really lucky, they can have two different strains of the Chinese plague at the same time.
It were ’im
G. Southgate, the manager of the England football team, admits responsibility for the penalty shoot-out flop in the Euros final. So definitely no K for him.
A share of the blame also has to go to the Kreepy bloke who does The Knee of Treachery as a sign that he is prepared to pander to anyone with a sense of entitlement, no matter how repellent.
“If a player who didn't make the England team for the Euros final feels he has to be noticed by taking a hissy pop @ the Home Sec., bye-bye sport, hello the politics of the gutter.” Fafny Gospodin
“It certainly makes a mockery of the 'likeable young squad' tag.” Tyoh Ushchir
Pull the other one
The Labour party is so careless with its credibility that their shadow culture vulture sec. is trying to confect the spectre of Conservative Cronyism @ the heart of the BBC. Like that could possibly happen @ an institution which is firmly mired in the looney left's back yard.
“I want” don’t get
Eddy le Gizzard, who makes a living as a comedian, wants to become a Labour MP and wants everyone to pretend he's a woman when he's wearing a frock.
Sadly, he's in the wrong job for getting people to take him seriously. Even if he does become an MP.
“Comrade Eddy might think there's nothing more to being a woman than wearing a frock and claiming to be one. But there is the requirement to have a pair of X chromosomes to get around.” Uppa Rand
“Okay, it's polite to humour the eccentric but it gets difficult when you suspect they could be taking the pissor taking advantage of your good nature at the very least.” Smor Gasborg
“Is it a hate crime not to take an obvious exhibitionist seriously? It prolly is now.” Con Fector
If you live in the area 'served' by Southern Water and you're wondering why they don't fix leaky pipes, it's because they've been fined £90 MILLION for polluting the environment with releases of raw sewage.
Thirty-seven of the Untied States are hoping for a payday from hauling Gooble into court for running its crApp shop as an illegal monopoly and screwing the customers.
The leagle beagle paperwork for the case is the size of a small novel and should it succeed, the Gnomes of Gooble will be hit by demands for BILLIONs in fines & compensation payments.
Public Service Announcement
He's been called the Blogger of the Decade
His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!
Oh, dear! Cancel the astronaut badge
Like the England football team, bearded pickle magnate R. Branston didn't quite make it when he did his publicity stunt for space tourism.
His space plane needed to get to 62 miles or 100 km up to reach the von Kármán line, the official edge of space. It managed only 53 miles up.
Better luck next time.
How to be toast in one easy lesson
The teenage Chancellor, Mr. Snack, is on a hiding to nothing if he bins the manifesto commitment of the Triple Lock to avoid giving £3 BILLION to pensioners next year after a crazy rise in wage rates post-lock-in.
Three billion is just a drop in the ocean of cash which the government WASTES. Waste control, ensuring value for money and binning fraudsters, however, is a lot harder than picking the pockets of the nation's pensioners. Shame.
“Where are the privileges & rewards due to white Britisch people coz their ancestors were oppressed & Xploited & enslaved by Romans, Danes & Normans to name but a few? Level playing field? Ptui!” P. Hairy Mandelswine
Cutting their own throats
A report from Oxfam, the charity haven for sex offenders (unless they've cleaned their act up) says that two-thirds of the people faced with famine live in countries like Afghanistan, South Sudan, Syrian & Yemen, where the people would rather spend money on guns and killing one another and fighting over somewhere entirely worthless than on building a stable food supply.
“The logical conclusion from this is that food aid just encourages them to spend more money on guns and if they don't die of starvation, they die of bullets. But either way, they die. Coz that's their culture.” Notre Dome
Q: What's a good way to upset foreigners?
A: The Department of Culture Vultures reckons the "It's coming home" song works a treat as it tells uppity foreigners that they didn't invent football, we did. Even if we're not much cop at it.
Millions of dictators and thieving scroungers around the world are up in arms over the cut in the UK aid budget caused by the Chinese plague and the consequent effect on their bank accounts.
“If they stopped sending cash to countries with a space programme and if they stopped throwing cash away to meet quotas for just disposing of it, no one who really needs help need suffer.
“Only dictators & crooks will go short. Not that anything like the above is a realistic possibility, given the quality of the wonks unloading the UK's largesse.” Margy Puddle
Freedom Day on July 19th is now being repositioned as Fearsome Day with the emphasis on the 'fear'.
There are no 'victims' of push-back. Greece is perfectly entitled to police its borders and keep out unwanted invaders from the sea.
“There's a online petition up and running to demand that Amazonian J.B. Zos is pushed back and not allowed to return from his jaunt near the edge of space, which is planned for this weekend.” Peter Visage
Only 2% of those ordered to self-isolate for 10 days by the NHS crApp have the Chinese plague and are actually infectious.
Q: If drinking one cup of coffee per day reduces your chance of catching the Chinese plague by 10%, will drinking more than 10 cups per day keep you totally plague-free?
A: Worth a try if you think your kidneys are equal to the challenge.
“It's probably a good idea to drink all your coffee at home as a way of staying out of range of anyone who's spreading the plague. Solves the problem of where to go for a pee, too.” Dan Drift
Q: How much does a gold standard PCR test for the plague priced @ £1.99 or £2.99 really cost?
A: £117.99 and £24.99 respectively.
“The zillionaires are doing their stunts to sell space tourism; or an approximation to it. Shame that they stand a good chance of being grounded by 'elf & safety rules, given a death rate of around 1% for manned (and womanned) space flights.” A. Spire
“Both Beardie & Zos are trailing in the dust of Marsman Musk, who has sent astronauts to the ISS aboard his SpaceX vehicle.” Bersh Ber
Hedgehogs are vanishing all over the place as wild ones are being hoovered out of rural areas and towns to be sold as pets by internet spivs.
Long job, rounding up the usual suspects
The last president of Haiti was so popular that around 18% of the population is currently in gaol, suspected of aiding & abetting the gang of Colombian killers, who posed as DEA agents to get close enough to their target to fill him full of lead.
Rivals for the now vacant job of president, and all the perks that go with it, are hanging back to make sure that the blame is firmly pinned on someone else; and they have a sufficient corps of bodyguards; before stepping into the firing line.
Q: Are the guys who missed penalties in the Euros final destined to be dropped into the bin for non-achievers?
A: Depends whether diversity has trumped ability to do the job.
“If that's what diversity is all about, we can forget about ever winning anything ever again.” Pes Imist
Marlbro, noted manufacturer of cowboy cancer sticks, seems to think that taking over a Britisch inhaler firm will give the American firm a wellness image. Hope springs eternal . . .
How very BBC. It's okay for their mob to ignore the rules & slag off the Tories on anti-social meeja @ every opportunity but when someone perceived to be a Tory dares to express a view about the suitability of one of the slaggers for a responsible jobmeltdown! in a teacup. And the Kreepy gang, predictably, weighing in on behalf of the looney leftie.
Britain's cut in the foreign aid budget is being viewed as a Good Thing as it gives states which traditionally keep their hands in their pockets, e.g. members of the EFU, a chance to step up and make a contribution.
“If people kneel down to support a political cause which others find repellent, those others will exercise their democratic right to boo them. And to continue to boo them for as long as the kneelers exercise their right to do it.” Smor Gasboard
“Sir Kreepy Steamer might pretend that not taking the Knee of Shame is ray-sist but he's just dead wrong. And he's not @ the head of a national consensus. He might be in favour of cancelling the police and cancelling the Capitalist system that keeps the country afloat, but it's only out of sheer political perversity.” Trudi False
“Would he still sing the same song after he's been mugged half a dozen times, his car has been stolen, he's been burgled & robbed blind and there's no cash to pay him compenbloodysation because the public purse is empty coz Capitalism has been binned with the police? Sure he would.” Bhad Patch
“No more gravy for the Kreepy one? It might be worth letting the BLAME Bunchers have their way just to see him sitting in the gutter, wishing he'd kept his stooopid trap shut.” Vera Cross
“He seems to be suffering from something akin to religious insanity, the Kreepy one. Okay, it's crool to mock the afflicted but it can be absolutely irresistible in some cases.” Misan Men
[I think we need to cancel Sir Kreepy. We've had more than enough about him now. Ed.]
Talk is cheapwhich is prolly why they do it
Persons who do rachel abuse online will be banned from football matches, sez President Boris. But how will they be identified? Certainly not by the platform/publishers who facilitate it. There is no sign of the online rachel abuse being stopped by its hosts, and no sign that the abusers suffer any penalties such as an eye-watering fine or a gaol sentence.
Yesterday's scam phone call came from 01494 564 573. A woman with an Indian accent claimed a £49 Amazon gift card had been issued from the victim's account and seemed to be angling for his IP address for some reason. He told her he doesn't have an Amazon account and he wasn't bothered whether the gift card was cancelled or not. Didn't stop her going on and on about his IP address.
“All the stuff that President Boris is doing under the evil influence (alleged) of Scary Carrie is like a doctor telling a customer, 'You need to lose weight, pal.' and the customer saying, 'Right, mate, I'll go and get a haircut.' Empty virtue flagging.” Algae Smith
“Everyone is supposed to follow Britain's lead with the green garbage, but what's most likely to happen is China, India and the rest seeing how much cash is being wasted here on cosmetic & meaningless gestures and deciding not to get involved.” Rose Violin
Q: Are we inspired by England's performance in the Euros?
A: Coming second isn't exactly a Reason To Be Cheerful, and all the political slagging off is the main memory.
Lost between winning and finishing nowhere
England's result in the Euros created a major headache. Winners get gongs and paraded around the streets of the capital on open-topped buses.
But there is no plan telling those in charge what to do for a team which finishes second on diversity grounds.
“People who set themselves up as tin gods must expect to be cancelled if they prove to be inadequate. That's the new normal created by the wonks and if their members can't take it, tough. Even if they do play a bit of football.” Lynn Kedin
Tarred by humanity
Words are not offensive in themselves. They are merely descriptions, which become offensive only when people abuse them.
Q: Is anyone surprised that ticketless yobs got into Wembley stadium last Sunday with apparent ease?
A: The London police have worked hard to establish a reputation for total uselessness, so no.
[Nine quid for a pint? Ed.]
There’s ‘a good story’ and there’s this
The appalling A. Campbell, T.B. Liar's dossier confecter (Scottish) is claiming the credit for England's defeat in the Euros final.
It happened because he reckons England's manager was daft enuff to follow his team tip advice texts on things like who should be subbed to take a penalty after the inevitable one-all draw at the end of the playing time.
“Is anyone that bothered that the failure of the London police to stop yobs crashing the Youros final @ Wembley will cost us a chance to stage the 2030 World Cup? No?” Jude Villager
“Maybe we should let Vince McMahon's World Wrestling Entertainment gang have the 2030 World Cup. Then England could enjoy a totally unexpected win in the final to provide one of the biggest upsets in the history of televised sports.” Montavius Pillock
“I'd definitely pay my 35¢ to watch that!” Ber Padu
BE AWARE There is no Xcuse for confusion over the need to wear a face mask and yapping about it. The Chinese plague is still with us. Just bloody wear one and shut your trap.
Scary Carrie is getting the blame for turning bonking Boris into a transmigratory wonk, who tries to be all things to all creaturesa strategy which is doomed to failure by definition.
Gott strafe Ihnen
The top Britisch universities are joining forces with German counterparts to wage war against the poisonous commie snoflakes, who are trying to cancel free speech and most of the world's benefactors, and trash the benefits of Capitalism.
K for Southgate still on?
As a consolation gesture?
Definitely not a reward for failure.
Schoolkids taking O- and A-Level exams next year art to be issued with the exam paper well ahead of time to ensure that they are not disadvantaged by the Chinese pandemonium.
Where we are now
What is the image of the Untied Kingdom now? The Union Flag? Lord Nelson up his column to remind everyone else we can put them in their place when we want to? HM The Queen?
It's an England football fan with a lit red flare clenched between his bum cheeks.
Makes you really proud to be Britisch.
Doing damage, not good
Gulp! One up the kilt for veggies & vegans. Their substitutes for proper dairy & meat products can be more effective destroyers of The Planet. As a consequence, everyone switching to their cause will be responsible for bringing about the downfall of the 'uman race much more quickly.
Is that a Good Thing? The jury is still out on that one but buying local remains sound advice.
“If Health Sec. Vajid Javid has the Chinese plague, will he have to be renamed the Unhealth Sec.?” Tawny Curtin
Europeon leaders are blaming this weeks disastrous floods in the north on climate change and hoping that no one will notice that the real cause of all the damage and loss of life is their failure to carry out vast amounts of essential infrastructure work for water management.
Oh, dear. Former F1 supremo B. Ecclestone reckons that current world champ Louie-Sam Milton is a busted flush. He no longer has the fastest car and he no longer has the craving to make the effort to win.
The Warmist lobby wants the government to confect a daily death toll due to the effects of climate change, which will be as realistic as the dodgy numbers confected for Chinese plague deaths.
“A lottery win to a pinch of the proverbial that they're not lobbying for numbers on how many people are still alive coz of a warmer climate. Cold Kills More, but the Warmists will never admit that as long as they can shove their fists into other people's pockets.” Ratt 10krantz
Q: How is Virgin Galactic going to get away with 400 pointless jaunts to near the edge of space per year without being picketed, sabotaged and cancelled by the Warmists?
A: Electric space planes appear to be the only way out.
“Whichever planet Old Beardy thinks his almost into space jaunts are saving, it sure as Hell ain't this one.” Cocco Van
“Is Beardy setting himself up as a superduperhero with telescopic vision with his daft claim that when he was 53 miles up looking down, he could see people on the ground looking up at him?” Zuta Lors
“If the country is having to borrow money to spend on overseas aidand pay interest on the borrowingswouldn't it make more sense for the people with the cash to be made responsible for the aid instead of us?” Shill Bebak
[Since when did sense have anything to do with money & politics? Ed.]
Pull another one
The Doom Buggers are moaning that the antics of yobs @ Wembley stadium will cost us a shot @ hosting the 2030 World Cup. Which is rank hypocrisy.
Everyone knows that all that counts in football is the money and who can be bought with it. How else did that great footballing nation Qatar get next year's World Cup?
“Tyrone Mings? He's certainly a minger as far as manners go.” Lee Kyi Tap
“Message to the mingersuccess in life is x + y +z, according to physicist/mathematician A. Einstein, where x = work, y = play and z = keeping your trap shut.” Def Lator
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Four days' pay for 4 daze work? That will xplode 73% of the nation's shirkers.
The Talibandits want a political settlement giving them power in Afghanistan as having to pay for all those guns and bullets and missles is leaving their leaders with too little to spend on reckless living.
Scots are ordered to ignore what is happening here in England unlockingwise as they are living in the people's republic of WeeBurneystan and they will bloody well do what she saysor else!
Is it fair to call the late Herr A. Hitler a failed artist when his works are still fetching reasonable prices on the world art market?
“There's no getting away from clichés deployed by lazy authors.” Robbi Nud
Cuba's thuggish police are in trouble with the EcoTerrorist Tendency for their handling of the widespread mass protests against food & power shortages. They have been battering the customers with plastic pipes instead of using Planet-saving wooden clubs.
Younger people who do intense exercise are liable to have a heart attack and croak. Natural selection works in mysterious ways.
Beeb Bins Truth
The BBC is planning to waste hundreds of thousands of pounds of licence-payers' cash on creating 'appropriate' fake crowd noise to go with its pictures of the Tokio Olympics.
"The worst thing is to have it contrived," we have been told. Wrong. The worst thing is doing it and wasting all that money extorted from pensioners aged 75 and over.
England unlocking today will cause the whole rest of the world to end up on its collective knees. Isn't it bloody great to be thought to be that powerful!
“Only an idiot thinks that if President Boris says he wants unlocko to be permanent, that paints him into a corner politically. Just because someone wants something, like wanting to win the lottery every week, that doesn't mean The Universe will automatically make it happen.” Splatny Kraposhch
Porridge helps you to stay slim as you age, the Xperts would have us believe. Didn't do much for Norman Stanley Fletcher in the TV series.
Louis Sam Milton’s winning formula
Right in the goolies!
“A good crash with no one dead is one way to make Formula One a bit interesting again.” Momper Tissue
“Was that a Senna/Prost moment between Louie Sam and Verstappen? Not really. It lacked the degree of calculation that went into the other shunts.” Sofia Starmer
Schoolkids are getting time off school for their entire class by visiting anti-social meeja sites to learn how to fake a positive plague test result.
Kids are also being spared school by parents who are keeping them @ home to make sure that a family holiday abroad isn't sabotaged by the school ordering the kid to self-isolate for 10 days.
Moral low ground
What happens when an ex-president is sent to gaol for obstructing an investigation of his one lousy decade of corruption in office? If it's in Sarf Efrica, then it's rioting, arson & luton on an epic scale.
“Pretty much like the standard response in the north-west and east of the Untied States?” Giva Ninch
[Pretty much, yes. Ed.]
The current president blames opportunistic criminals for instigating chaos as a cover for their looting & theft. Which is exactly the same story as the one deployed in the Untied States at every excuse.
The more likely explanation is that former associates of the gaoled ex-president are muddying the waters frantically and hoping they don't end up in the same cell block as their former partner-in-crime before they've had a chance to make themselves and their loot vanish.
They don't pay the cops much in Sarf Efrica and some of them have been joining in with the luton. And some of the looting cops have been getting their arse kicked by people wanting to steal the stuff they stole!
Q: Is President Sleepy Joe responsible for the o'bliteration of Pres. Moise of Haiti if one of the alleged hit team used to be an informer for the FBI?
A: Give a lawyer some cash and he/she will confect something to support a case for compenbloodysation and continue to argue the impossible for as long as the cash flows into his/her pocket.
Compared to plane fares, train fares are an utter rip-off and up to 300% higher, we are told. So what else is new?
Q: Scotland is officially doing Level Zero but there are still plague restrictions in place. Wot next?
A: Level 'No Level'?
Greater Manchester Police have concluded that the graffiti on the M. Rashford mural there are not ray-sist. They are just expressions of disgust @ his failure to deliver when his country needed him after setting himself up as someone who can make a difference.
Places NOT To Be: L'Emmerdoirewhere obnoxious French burrocraps take foreigners with a problem to dump them in the shit.
The teenage Chancellor, Rikishi Snack, is opposing vigorously the Snack Tax urged by President Boris's Food Kommissarmainly because our Mr. Snack has been around long enough to know that he will collect the blame for it.
“If President Boris is not minded to impose a poor people's tax on sugar and salt, there's an obvious alternative. Abolish Council Tax and substitute a Mass Tax based on what the customer weighs.
“No fault, no blame, no shame. Just the bigger you are, the more you pay. With exceptions for things like pregnancies, of course.” Jacq Pott
Gooble has been fined €500 MILLION by French regulators for refusing to comply with an EFU law on copyright, which was enacted in 2019.
More from the Ocks de Pill
"We must do moron climate change," yell political morons in Yourope after a once in a millennium rain storm.
Nothing about discouraging people from living in areas which flood.
Nothing about water management to keep it where it should be and keep it available when rain doesn't fall.
Nothing about adapting to live with the world as it is and not pretending that Those People have any idea how to change the climate for the better.
Or that they have any sort of concensus on what 'better' would be.
Dockson of Dick Green, a.k.a. the Brazilian Killer, is lobbying for a 5-year extension to her contract as head of the Police of the Metrolopis to enable her to continue her work of wrecking policing in London and persecuting the innocent.
Prince Chuck giving her a blue medal during this week to make her a dame commander was a clear indication that the rewards for failure culture continues to flourish in the nation's capital and it is likely that she is not going nowhere other than back to her office to do more wrecking.
“No doubt they're going to make Jonah Burnham a Dame of the British Empire, like Dockson, in recognition of his efforts as the Greater Manchester Police & Crime Commissioner and putting GMP into administration for being totally crap.” Magna Mopus
Yes, it is obscene
There is no justice to be had in Ireland. The general amnesty for troops and terrorists confirms this; assuming there are any terrorists who haven't had a letter of amnesty from tony b. liar; and confronting everyone with reality is what is behind all the shouting.
“There is no way the Irish government should be consulted about this. That safe haven for terrorists has confirmed time and again that it is no friend of the UK. Our government should reach a decision for the UK and tell the Irish to like it or lump it.” Alphonse Amo
Q: What exactly is the difference between paying people without jobs furlough cash and paying people without jobs unemployment benefit?
A: Political fantasies.
Dick Disaster? “Not us, Gov!”
Any mayhem @ Wembley last weekend is down to the FA, which refused to pay for coppers to handle security @ the Euros final and went for a handful of private sector cowboys instead.
That's what the discredited Met is claiming, anyway. That the FA did FA.
“Is there anyone anywhere who actually believes that football's champion (self-proclaimed) Sur Kreepy Steamer has ever watched a match all the way through and had a clue about what was going on?” Al Q'atraz
Thought For Today: Just because some people have been dealt a losing hand in the lottery of life, that is no reason why everyone should get one.
+ + + Amazonian J.B. Zos does 66 miles up (nearly) on his cocque au feux + + + Boots Beardie into touch + + +
A clear winner
The Bezos Dong space tourism vehicle blasted off from Texas on the anniversary of the first Moon landing, as promised, hurling the New Shepard capsule beyond the von Kármán line, the official edge of space.
The reuseable launcher made a tidy landing back on the launch pad, and all 4 passengers in the capsule survived clunking onto the dusty landscape beneath 3 huge parachutes. They will now be famous for 5 minutes and then the trolls will set about them.
“What's a she-pard and is there going to have to be a he-pard on equality grounds?” Nigel Moanalot
“And a trans-pard and a dunno-pard?” Gorrie Zontal
D(pantomime)CBE Dockson of Dick Green's entire claim to fame is that she is not quite as appallingly useless as her predecessor, Hulk Hogan Hyphen Howe. Some recommendation.
Commentator GB Views has given short shrift to a wobbler who did the Knee of Shame during a programme. Gone. Goodbye. Don't call us. Good for them.
Power from a nuclear fusion reactor in amounts sufficient to contain the process and supply a city is no longer a dream that is 50 years away. It is only 49 years away now.
Compared with the sheer volume of dreck posted on auntie-social meeja every day, the amount of ray-sist abuse delivered here is at the "drop of water in an ocean" level rather than an overwhelming torrent of bile, as claimed by the looney left.
70% of it comes from trouble-makers abroad, not from UK residents. In the case of the stuff associated with the Euros, about 5 of the offensive posts were proved to have originated in the UK. The rest came from foreigners and shitehawk foreign state actors. Not the story you get from the BBC and the rest of the anti-Britisch looney left when they are making their case that the YouKay is the world capital of rachel bias.
ATTENTION ALL MUGS! If you know where to look, you can blow 25 quid on a 500 gm tin of Spanish artificial crisps.
A Blast from the Past
From the archives of a decade & a half ago comes the revelation that planting trees won't make The Planet colder.
Whilst they consume the greenhouse gas carbon dioxide, trees also emit enough of the 30x more effective greenhouse gas methane to more than reverse the claimed cooling effect of Carbon Planting.
Which means that all those scams to turn The Planet into a vast forest is just green bollux. And the cynical Wamists who are profiting from the scams know it.
The American manufacturer of a Glock pistol got up to look like it is made out of Lego have been slapped down by a cease & desist order issued on behalf of the Danish toy manufacturer.
Different ain’t always better
Biophilia is the new buzz word in the world of officesplants & stuff to screen off areas in a more attractive way. The inmates are assumed to have become more connected with Nature during locko. So no arguments about whose turn it is to water the new companions. By order!
Q: What are you doing for diversity?
A: Waiting to find out what it does for me in order to formulate a proportionate response.
Samples of the world's smallest grass, which isn't much bigger than lock-in facial stubble, have been found on the Scottish island of North Uist.
But bad newsthe boffins who found it didn't bother to take note of where they made the discovery and they can't find it again.
Ever since Sleepy Joe took over the US presidency in January, the staff @ the embassy in Vienna have been falling over with a mysterious condition akin to the one experienced by the staff in the Havana embassy when it was under stealth attack by foreign actors.
Probably the Russians up to their dirty tricks again.
The organizers of the Tokio Olympics have asked the customers not to make political gestures when getting medals. If they do it in the absence of spectators to avoid booing, maybe an appropriate crowd noise tape can be played to give the posturing gits a rousing Bronx Cheer. And they should certainly get abundant raspberries on the internet.
Red Moon Night!
Is it Mars about to crash into the Earth? It's the right colour but far too bloody BIG! At 11 p.m., low in the south on the third Wednesday of the month, below the treetops, that's our own satellite painting the night red.
Prethetic, or what!
The Liberal party in Scotland would have us believe that it is struggling to recover from the Coalition government, when their then leader, Clueless Clegg, was in office next to Dave the Leader.
The shock of actually having to do things and be responsible for the fall-out has left the Libs in a permanent quiver, unable to believe that no one takes anything they say seriously and worried that they might be blamed for something.
“Taking your kid to work is bad enough but taking your dog when we are no longer locked in? Forget it.” Mick Stupp
Only some lives ever matterand only ever some of the time.
It must be true that there is a world shortage of hinges if the nation's looney hystericals have been able to become unhinged so readily and as a result of this, the people who claim to be flying the virtue flag of anti-rachelism are actually promoting rachel division to give themselves something to beef about on their internet soap box.
The government spent £73,000 on over 4,200 bottles of wine to stash in its hospitality cupboard last year. The good news is that three-quarters of it was from English & Welsh manufacturers.
What they were saying 15 years ago
"Sadly, the higher management of the Metropolitan Police is tainted with institutional stupidity." How true those words remain.
The use of the term "white privilege" has been ruled a rachel hate crime and it now commands a fine of £10,000 with the option of 6 months in gaol added on for persistent offenders.
Meat grown in a bioreactor is a common science fiction dodge but a French firm has found a way to do it with goose liver cells to put pâté de faux gras back on menus. As well as delighting the taste buds, it will also push the Saving The Planet button.
Interestingly, the success of the NHS is being blamed for the o'besity epidemic. If the NHS were totally crap, the morbidly obese would die off in short order and there would be no problem.
The official advice for offices is that windows should be opened wide to allow the Chinese plague to blow in on the inmates and out onto passers by.
The "most deprived" areas of the country can't be all that deprived if they were able to chalk up a 20% rise in deaths due to alcohol abuse during lock-in.
Putin the Poisoner got D. Trump elected president of the Untied States because he thought Mr. Trump would wreck the place. That didn't happen and the blame for the policy failure has been shifted away from Vlad the Bad toward a suitable mug, who will be enjoying a Putinstan holiday break in Siberia for the next decade or so.
The Police of the Metrolopis are doing their best to avoid being roped in to the hunt for the spiv who copped for £75K for selling CCTV pix of Hancock's Half Hour doing snoggage with Gina the aide.
The Met is staying out of things to avoid the blame for another failure when its deadlegs get nowhere.
Q: Should bus & train passengers be worried about being stranded if their driver is pinged by the NHS crApp for being within a couple of yards of a plague case and walks off the job?
A: Messing about with a phone whilst operating a public service vehicle is a serious criminal offence and a few fines of 10 grand imposed promptly should ensure that all journeys are completed.
Euphemismiologist wonks in Australia are trying to persuade people who have been ripped apart by a marauding shark that they have not been attacked. No, they have merely suffered a negative encounter and nothing to worry about.
“Those rotters are cutting the ground from under the feet of hysterics like Greenhouse Grotter, whose rain dance is getting the blame for the flooding in Northern Germany, Belgium and France. We are not actually experiencing a climate emergency, according to the euphemismiologists, just a few small local difficulties. Problem solved!” Forry Nehr
Another Red Moon last night after some early evening cloud.
Things are not looking promising for today, though, with lotz more cloud on the way.
Anyone surprised to learn that all the binmen in Liverpool are self-isolating and there will be no bins emptied until next month? No?
Diversity & equality rules have been interpreted as a licence to behave badly by more and more women, a survey of recent crimes figures has uncovered.
Only the pingless without a pocket phone are truly free
“Just what we need, Boriselected county mayors and another layer of useless burrocraps like Manchester's cosmetic Jonah Burnham.” L.B.W. Biffed
roll on Community Immunity Day
The son of the former president of Sarf Efricahe who was gaoled for obstructing investigation of his corruptionhas won this month's The Biscuit Award for telling his dad's yobbos to do their rioting, arson about & luton 'carefully and responsibly'.
Q: What is the down side of a judge awarding someone £70K in libel damages for stuff posted on BlogSpot.com?
A: Not having any chance of getting the dosh as Gooble doesn't know the identity of the anonymous blogger.
Things not to look forward toSmothering Sunday
Yeah, Right! Department
The fiction factory in the Untied States has come up with another; well, not exactly a gem. Quite the opposite, in fact. The latest silly story is that the top general of the army and the High Command were worried about President Trump using the army to stage a banana republic style coup instead of strolling back to Florida.
We hope to get a reaction from Mr. Trump when he stops laffing.
The Gordon F. Broon Solution
The latest BIG IDEA for solving the care crisis is to make OAPs pay National Insurance contributions if they carry on working past the formal retirement age. This extra taxation will put cash into the Treasury and also encourage oldies to give up working in disgust and open up jobs for younger people.
Something else on offer is a revival of the story of the Labour MP, embezzler & spy for the Commies J. Stonehouse, a.k.a. J. Markham & D. Mildoon, who faked his own death off the private beach of a Miami hotel to escape from his creditors and launched a whole string of imitators on TV and in real life.
Wikipedia is unreliable as it has been taken over by the looney left, one of its co-founders has revealed. Anything involving boring facts is probably okay but history, politics & opinions are all likely to be full of propaganda and outright fakery.
Unlike father . . .
If you hear a loud whirring noise, it's the former Anthony Wedgewood Benn, Viscount Stansgate, rotating at high speed. He busted a gut to shed his peerage and most of his name to become that looney left icon tony benn. He pretended to be the people's friend but he was cunning enough to avoid the taxes which would have stripped away his vast wealth.
Seven years after his death, his son Stephen decided he wanted to be in the House of Frauds. He reclaimed the title and managed to get himself included in the ranks of the 92 hereditary peers, who can claim their £323 lunch money for turning up there.
Things To Remember: What's on offer if a gadget with a power pack is advertised to offer 30 minutes' use also includes the thing croaking after only 10 seconds of use.
A German town slides into an enormous quarry sink hole. Chancellor Mherkel's response is we (i.e. everyone else) must do something urgently about climate change. Alibi deployed.
Nothing will happen @ any great speed, and certainly nothing as effective as getting infrastructure in good order. Only that's something politicians won't do because it exposes their past neglect and tells the customers that the politicians are to blame for the catastrophe.
Far better to say it's climate change, which is everyone else's fault.
Desperate Dom has had his blown fusebox repaired and he is back with more chat which appears Xplosive with the context stripped away but rather harmless with the context restored.
Prince Hairy is pulling the same trick except that his stuff is all fiction and there is no real-world context to apply.
Doomster Professionals predict that up to 2 million new cases of the plague per day maybe, possible, might, cudda happen.
We say they might as well predict up to 68 million per day. Then there's no chance of being wrong as every number from zero to 68 million is included in the 'forecast'.
Q: Was President Boris lying when he said being pinged means that the customer is 5x more likely to have the Chinese plague?
A: Nope, he was merely repeating what some boneheaded alleged Xpert had assured him was true, even if the data was hopelessly out of date, and Boris is therefore blameless.
After multiple warnings, UNESCO has decided that the messing about which Liverpool is doing with the once iconic bits of its landscape, such as the waterfront, have gone too far and the city no longer qualifies as a World Heritage Tourist Trap.
The Scousers are out of their tree with rage. Much good will it do them, though.
The response from Liverpool is that this is typical of the UFN. It's all politics, nobody from UNESCO has been near the city for over a decade and the gesture is all about intimidating other customers and nothing to do with Liverpool. Which, given the history of UFN sub-divisions for playing politics instead of doing anything useful, sounds about right.
Oh, dear! An MP of color who did a noisy boycott of FakeBuk turns out not to be above taking their shilling to do speaking engagements for them.
File under 'usual suspect' and 'do as I say'.
Tory M.P. J. Rees-Mogg must have blown a fuse before he compared England's defeat in the Euros football competition to the retreat @ Dunkirk. World War II went on for another 5 years before we ended up with the win. The 2020 Euros is over and done with, finished, and there is no hope of coming back from a setback to go on to final victory as the conflict is over and done with.
Make-work for those incapable of doing anything useful?
The nation's thought police have wasted taxpayers' cash on recording 120,000 imaginary and non-criminal 'hate' crimes over the last 5 years. This attempted intimidation failed to make any contribution to solving any actual criminal incidents but a lot of coppers got the chance to inflict fear and loathing on their customers.
An all-party gang of MPs wants to ban people from giving carrots to rabbits coz they think it makes the rabbits o'bese.
Q: Why is it called backteria? Does it sneak up behind you when you're not looking?
A: Nurse, he's out of bed again.
It was known a couple of decades ago that 'unwitting rachelism' is just a meaningless label confected by Those People and bearing the spurious authority of an 'ism'. And yet they continue to get away with it.
[Probably something like social inertiaism in action. Ed.]
When new labour's attempt to rebrand itself as a patriotic party flopped, sunk by the torpedoes of disbelief, gordon f. broon demanded £8.5 BILLION from British taxpayers to buy himself friends in Africa.
Following the failure of Sirk Reapy's attempt to wrap himself in the Union Flag, next stop Africa with a big wodge of our cash to buy himself some popularity?
Attention all those plagued by seagulls
Yobs in Bristol were scattering bird food on bus lanes to watch gulls & pigeons being splatted 15 years ago. Might be worth a try . . .
Q: If you see a travel test for the Chinese plague advertised @ £24.99, do you rejoice?
A: Only if you satisfy the small print attached to that price, which is likely to include conditions like this price applies only to registered vampires who are more than 300 years old and able to travel 200 miles to a test centre for an appointment @ high noon on a sunny day.
Everyone else will be done for £150-£200or even more if the spivs think they can get away with it.
Dangerous Dom could be in line for a K if it really is true that he single-handedly prevented President Boris from visiting The Queen for one of their Wednesday chats and saved Her Majesty from a fatal encounter with a plague carrier.
Goes with the job
Will Dave the ex-Leader give a rattenkranz for the conclusion from a gang of MPs that he showed lack of judgement when lobbying for the failed Greenswill cause?
If it is a case of "Let the MP who is free of that defect cast the first stone", our Dave will survive unassaulted to stroll back to his posh caravan to pen another best-seller.
Official government files released from period around the end of the 20th century show that new labour prime monster tony b. liar wanted to turn the predicted flop that became the Millennium Dome into a shrine for Princess Di.
The idea fell through, the whole thing could have been scrapped but it wasn't, and mr. liar blew a BILLION QUID on a white elephant of a white dome to celebrate the arrival of the third millennium of the current calendar a year early.
new labour, new ways to be iggorant.
Brilliant idea for expanding the boundaries
Following the departure in a huff of the actor playing Polonius from the age- and gender-blind London production of W. Shakespeare's Hamlet starring I. McKellen (182), the job has been awarded to a particularly talented mynah bird to make the cast additionally species-blind.
As Polonius is stabbed discreetly behind the arras, there can be no question of on-stage animal cruelty and no excuse for the usual suspects to picket the theatre. For that reason, at least.
Little John's Daily Mail column during the week shows an emoji of what is purported to be a pregnant bloke with a moustache. But a much more likely scenario is that he is just one of the 82% of the population who are terminally o'bese.
Athletes @ the Olympic Village for the Tokio Games are having to do their bonkage on the floor as the beds in their rooms are made of cardboard and designed to collapse under the weight of 2 occupants, a frustrated contestant reckons.
The truth is out
Human beans are not causing gorbal warmage, some of the Xperts have decided. Wild pigs digging up soil to get at roots & creatures, like they do, are releasing into the atmosphere all of the excess carbon dioxide, which is allegedly wrecking The Planet.
Attempts to appeal to the better nature of the pigs and get them to cease & desist are proving unproductive.
Don’t be famous or important
The Foreign Sec., D. Raab, has let the cat out of the bag. The hostile state actors who are sabotaging everything to do with cyberspace are gangs of bad guys sponsored by the Chinese, in the main, as part of their world domination agenda because they have all the money and Putinstan doesn't.
Mobile phone attacking, hacking & take-overs are done mainly by Israeli nastiware. Anyone a disreputable regime wants watched, or killed like the journalist J. Kashoggi was in the Saudi consulate in Turkey, is fair game. As are heads of state such as Pres. MacRon of France, other politicians and senior burrocrats.
“The message from all this is clear. Don't have a pocket phone and do your internetting & emails @ your convenience using a properly protected proper computer to avoid being pinged by the NHS crApp & spied on by a rogue regime which has access to the Israeli nastiware.” Mini Mizece
Q: Why does some wiseguy think President Boris looks like a tramp who has slept in the same suit for 12 months?
A1: As the wiseguy won't have seen a tramp in that condition, the wiseguy is an idiot.
A2: Scary Carrie has spent all of Boris's cash, and a lot more, and he can't afford to be washed & brushed up.
Q: Can an electric car pull a caravan?
A: Yes. To about the end of the road where the owner of the electric car lives.
“If sports stars wish to receive only adoration on FakeBuk & Twatter and the rest, the solution lies in their own hands. They should use some of their vast income to hire a censor, who will zap anything they think the boss will be unlikely to appreciate before the exalted one views what the plebs have to say.” Hugh Founder
“The fact that none of them seems to do this just proves what a bunch of tight-fisted gits they are!” Ed Forrit
Despite gorbal warming, puffins in Scotland are reproducing @ a record rate.
“Or maybe because of it?” Count E. Line
Prince Hairy is reported to have done a deal for FOUR of the sort of book that people buy to be cute but don't actually bother to read.
“They should come in handy for propping up wonky table legs or anything else that needs to be raised a bit above ground level.” Merda Lors
His Hairiness is denying that there are 4 books to be ghosted and that he will be getting $40 MILLION for them.
In response to offerings from Dangerous Dom on the BSBC, the Drowning Street Dooshanks are contributing the line that "all political appointments are entirely made by the Prime Monster after due consultation and after Scary Carrie has told him who to pick".
Q: What is the official verdict on the Barnard Castle story?
A: The meeja wanted some baloney and so Desperate Dom cut off a chunk and sliced it for them. Job done.
The delivery driver crisis shows signs of easing as people start going back to shops and supermarkets to buy stuff instead of ordering it online.
You might think our police are stooopid . . .
A bloke who arrived in Perth was told to get out of town with 48 hours under recent Chinese plague border rules. He was then bunged into a quarantine hotel.
Undaunted, he made a rope out of bedsheets, abseiled four storeys to the ground and split in accordance with what he had been ordered to do. Only to be busted by bonehead Aussie cops 8 hours later for "failing to comply with a direction". Bloody obtuse, or what!
“Sounds like the bonehead Aussie bozos need to arrest themselves for the compliance failure if they locked the bloke up, thereby preventing him from getting the Hell out of Dodge. (or Perth)” Des Pickable
It's rather a sign of the times that Women Against State Pension Inequality think they should have been allowed to retire and collect the state pension at 60 when men had to wait to 65. Or 66, as it went up to.
Blackpool council has been forced to cough up £109K of taxpayers' cash to a Christian group after falsely accusing the members of Xtremism and banning advertisements for its festival.
“There is evidence that wearing a face mask makes no difference to the spread of the Chinese plague. Which makes masking a social politeness on the same level as wearing clothes on the three or four days per year when it is hot enuff to make them unnecessary.” Genna Sidle
“It's also a politeness that involves some cost to the mask wearer. I can confirm that they get bloody hot inside if worn for a long period of time and mask breaks away from other people to cool down are an essential 'uman right.” Marca Vendish
Romiley Recthe half of it that is still open to the publicis 'amazing' in the view of a visiting 4-year-old. So a big WELL DONE! to the council maintenance gang who keep it in such good order.
Belated look back
England went out of the 2006 World Cup ignominiously when the manager, S. Eriksson (foreign), picked the pillocks Lampard, Gerrard & Carragher to make a bog of penalty kicks.
The hash the diversity trio made of the Euros final was, therefore, just history repeating itself inevitably. When The Universe has got it in for you, these things happen.
Unanimity in the USA
Leading Republicans in the Untied States are now blaming the unvaccinated for the persistence and spread of the Chinese plague there. Which has forced President Sleepy Joe to clamber aboard the bandwagon to avoid being left behind.
If your local supermarket has anything left on the shelves,
you are not shopping anywhere near hard enough!!
Postal deliveries on Saturdays? Forget itif the Royal Mail gets its way and tears another piece off its list of obligations.
The Health Service unions seem to be trying to foment a strike over pay, which will do the popularity of their members no end of good.
Q: What sort of idea is having vaccine passports?
A: Burrocrapic BS and make-work for civil servants with nothing useful to do. Huge opportunities for the forgers in the criminal community. Singly or doubly vaccinated people can still spread the Chinese plague. Only a negative test is a temporary indication of possible social acceptability.
“The burrocracy will be a total waste of cash, which the government will have to borrow because its coffers have been empty for ages.” Aladin Egad!
Given the level of technology available, failing to deliver pictures of isolated President Boris with decent sound to the Commons for PMQs has to be due to deliberate sabotage by his minions. No one that bad at delivering tech support should be on the public payroll.
“There are whole gangs of incapable wonks on the public payroll. Why would you expect Boris' wonks to be any different?” Kes Project
“A 3-word slogan for Sirk ReepySack Your Scriptrotter” Quircan Tation
“The government must remove France from the amber category, yells a newspaper. Quite right. They should dump all Frogs permanently in the red zone.” Gilbert Lunch
Cancelling references to the work and achievements of dead white men, it has been pointed out by the Schools Minister, deprives schoolkids of the example of the best of the best on the whim of Those People.
Q: Labour MP jumped 3-year council flat waiting list using the pork pie trick. Anything surprising?
A: The words MP and Labour remove any surprise value.
you must join Pillockton
Especially for all those who are crazy about home workouts.
sign up @ Romiley Health-Kick, 51 Riverside Drive
Mhegan the Merciless doesn't cancel people after she has finished using them, she ghosts them just to be different.
“Someone needs to tell Sleepy Joe that Northern Ireland is nowt to do with him and he'll get a smack round the back of the head if he doesn't stop trying to interfere in the UK's internal affairs.” Zan Zeebar
Q: What value does an apology issued by a government for something perpetrated decades ago actually have?
A: It's just some politician saying he/she is extremely sorry (or pretending to be) for something other people did long before the politician came on the scene, and the politician, therefore, cannot be blamed for it in any way, shape or form.
“In other words, a smug 'Not me, Gov' from the politician.” Lokk Tupp
Things to come?
Agriculture and agricultural research could become things of the past. If certain people get their way, farmers will spend all their time messing about with a pocket phone, scrolling through all the socalled meeja platforms and scientists will spend all their time working out who's talking to whom and about what to the exclusion of everything else.
“And the Natural Britain lobby will be jumping up and down with glee when all the farms go to wrack & ruin & rewild.” Lord Splutch
Q: Is it possible to catch the Chinese plague from an online connection?
A: No, you can't have a day off. Ed.
Just forget it
The main argument against vaccine passports is that the computer system won't work and there will be endless trouble before the whole thing is binned and BILLIONs of quid are written orf.
Government computer system never work thanks to a combination of the quality of the software constructed and that of the minions operating it.
Anyone hoping to meet the MP for Wokington at the Tory conference in October will be out of luck if vaccination against the Chinese plague is a condition of attendance. He's not going if it is. But the good news is that it is unlikely that the views of such a hissy wobbler will be missed.
Rewilding or just land (& responsibility) abandonment?
Local authorities are waving green virtue flags over what they claim are rewilding programmes, which amount to just not cutting grass verges and grass in parks, and not cutting the rate of Council Tax paid by the customers for the service which they are no longer getting.
Something else to forget
We need an immediate inquiry into how the Chinese plague has been handled to avoid losing the chance to learn vital lessons? What bollocks!
All these inquiries do is shove loadsa cash into the pockets of the legal trade. Nothing useful ever comes out of them thanks to the degree of government obfuscation and general covering up, and the endemic inertia in the Wonderful World of Westmonster.
A major candidate for the wimpiest whinge of all time about billionaires doing skyward jaunts has to be that they are "a reminder that there will always be have-nots".
That's straight out of the same box as "I'm miserable and so everyone else has to be". Get a life.
Residents of Stirling are in for a thin time of things. Their council is planning to blow their cash on the biggest bucket of green bollocks in the whole of Scotland to make the place the greenest of the green. Which means that everything worth doing; or necessary; will have to tighten its belt whilst the virtue flags are waving.
People who blow a fuse @ something the Health Sec. puts on Twatter in a state of euphoria after getting through the Chinese plague need to take a serious look at themselves.
It's junk on Twatter, that's all. Find something real to go bang about.
[Just Because You're Miserable, that's no reason for everyone else to be. Ed.]
“There should also be a £100K fine for branches of the print & TV news meeja which seek out damaged individuals as a penalty for pandering to confect looney left propaganda.” 10 Tickle
“Selfish can be Xtremely ugly.” Cal Vados
Proverb for Today: They beg for alms but what they really want is arms to kill one another.
Self-isolation is being replaced by daily credit checks to make sure that potential spreaders can afford to get themselves tested.
The BMA has offered the entirely sensible view that blaming the NHS crApp for the pingdemic is like blaming a fire alarm for going off when there's a fire.
If you live in a small enough flat, you can by pinged if the person next door has the plague, or is self-isolating, even if you never come into contact with that person.
People are deliberately putting themselves about in crowded places in the hope of getting close enuff to a spreader to be pinged . Some skiving bastards haven't done more than three or four days' work in the last 3 months.
“An end to furlough is going to put a severe cramp on their activities. And give the taxpayer a bit of a break.” Beau Nidle
“Maybe the government needs to start adding up how much time off some people have had and make them do 150 hours of unpaid community service if they've been taking advantage of the taxpayer's generosity.” Sampan Dash
Q: Where have all the burglars, muggers & shoplifters gone during lock-in?
A: They are all (well, most of them) working @ home doing online scams to avoid person-to-person contacts even more than usual; apart from the muggers, of course.
An artificial intelligence program is being offered as a means of countering all sorts of diseases and recycling plastics. The way ahead? We'll see.
Q: A "Boris Banquet" from KFCwhat's that all about?
A: Sounds like a severe case of Clothears Syndrome. No fast food joint is going to be able to come up with a banquet of the sort that President Boris is reported to have enjoyed @ his Downing Street retreat before his involuntary spell @ Chequers.
Q: What do you get if you promise a zillionaire a home cinema with 'wow factor' but deliver ugly & wonky?
A: Suspended for 12 months for unacceptable professional conduct. But probably not by the neck.
It’s the bloody customers
The SAGE Stooges are severely vexed. Their forecasts are for zillions of new cases of the Chinese plague on every day of next month but the numbers reported for infections are falling. [Well, up to yesterday, Ed.]
The best that the Xperts can come up with is that the population is playing silly buggers somehow to make them look like idiots.
Over 50% of positive tests for the Chinese plague in hospitals come after the customer was admitted for something else. Some Xperts are worried that this is exaggerating the perceived plague rate in the general community.
What's the latest whinge from Those People in the Untied States? Accusations of displaying toxic masculinity aimed at an Olympic swimming coach who dared to be dead chuffed about one of his gang winning a medal.
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Some Xpert opinions just suck
The WHO (Untied Nations subsidiary) told its customers to avoid using face masks and wash hands religiously & scrub the hell out of all surfaces at the start of the Chinese plague pandemic.
A year and more on, actual scientific observations have found that "shared air" is the main transmission problem of the virus, making masks a good idea, and getting a dose of the plague from doorknobs & other surfaces is highly improbable.
Which makes deep cleaning just a cosmetic "hygiene theatre" frill and a waste of zillions of pound/dollars/etc.
Still, the original recommendations were only 180 degrees away from what would have been useful. Not bad for an offshoot of the UFN, where politics always takes precedence over truth & honesty.
Those Spanish crisps @ 25 quid for a 500 gm tin have been taste tested and they turn out to be an 'off de rip' compared to the posh crisps you can buy at the Lewis's food department.
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“Who needs awaycations & staycations when you can have a pingcation in the comfort of your own home? Magic!” B. Vert
“If one-third of the population think plague rules of one sort or another will stay in place for another year, that could well amount to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
“It's certainly going to encourage the SAGE Stooges to try to keep things clamped down as much as possible for as long as possible.” Kenny Carion
“How does that square with the current 'It will all be over by October' claims?” Jami Claire
“Politics, Xperts and the Real World never seem to come to the same conclusion.” Tree Woods
“The 'senior minister' who said it's all over bar the shouting preferred to remain anonymous. Spit the bones out of that.” Una Vailable
Is this what’s happening?
The pingdemic has all the characteristics of a stealth lock-in. No trains, no buses, shops of all descriptions shut, eateries, fast-food joints & pubs shut. And theatres.
No need to go out, then.
Anyone would think Gordon F. Broon was back as a government advisor on how to do damage to the customers by stealth.
MI5 might possibly maybe have prevented the mass murder by Irish terrorists in Omagh, a judge reckons. Or maybe not. Which doesn't really get anybody much further on.
“Forty grand for a car that can only go a couple of hundred miles before it needs to spend half an hour drinking up some more electricity? Wonderful. Real progress.” Sim Ulate
“Plus extra for the now compulsory Cash 4 Crash protection gadget to show it wasn't your fault that some scumbag ran into you.” Belle E. Dancer
Shop early, shop oftenthe nation’s supermarkets will have empty shelves due to the pingdemic in a couple of weeks.
That's what the Doom Buggers reckon.
“Not a problem if you still have some local proper shops, as we still do in Romiley.” Con Temporary
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Q: If the Chinese plague is "all over bar the shouting", can we relax?
A: Probably not. The noise level is unlikely to diminish, given the propensity Those People have for yelling about something, no matter how irrelevant or inconsequential.
Waste of breath
Government ministers are being warned that urging kids & young people to get a plague jab will be counter-productive as the young are stroppy little buggers who always do the opposite of what adults tell them to do because they think they know better and oldies are always getting at them just to annoy them. Which will makes things associated with vaccination, such as vaccine passports, also something to shun.
Q: What does a grime artist do?
A: Tries to get as mucky as possible in the shortest time.
Q: Is having 3 awards for it impressive?
A: Depends how impressed you are by mucky pups.
“You have to laugh at Red Bull's attempt to get Louie Sam Milton retrospectively disqualified from his British GP win because their driver came off worse after their collision. Trying to playing the Pool Little Stinker card on behalf of someone whose reckless driving style has earned him the nickname Mad Max is always going to be a losing bet.” Prin Sairy
Yesterday's Mystery Phone Call came from 001 3619 375 797. "Some woman released a stream of a language I'd never heard before for about 20 seconds then rang off," our correspondent reported. "Very weird."
Too busy to do their job, but doing what else?
Dog thieves & fraudsters are in keen competition set a new record in the "getting away with it" stakes. The nation's police farces are not interested in tracking down dognappers; even less interested than in tracking down stolen vehicles; and they have no answer to the fraudsters, who have created what is being described as a "tsunami condition".
The Guinness Book of Records is on stand-by to record the winner.
There is always an apologist
The editor of The Lancet seems to be getting a good kicking for his efforts to conceal the origin of the Chinese plague and play down its global impact.
He is also perceived to be campaigning in favour of the plague having a spontaneous natural origin and being nothing to do with the Chinese regime's biowarfare efforts and sloppy laboratory practices at the research station in Wuhan, where the plague first appeared in the local population.
“Red blindness seems to be a common affliction of the medical trade at home and at the UN, and in some cases, it reinforces image-polishing that is entirely undeserved.” Palava Mensh
“Blame politicians here instead of the medical trade for all blunders, arse covered.” Ott Krito
Giving local councils the power to collect and keep speeding fines will be to create a swindlers' charger of epic proportions. But will the government get this? That's not guaranteed.
Competition for Prince Hairy?
Edstone Milipede has blagged £80K from a deluded publisher for a book of wonkage which no one in their right mind will want to read. But which might be bought by wonks out of a sense of duty.
National treasure J. Cleese has put the mockers on comparisons between N. Bonaparte & President MacRon. Napoleon was three inches taller and he didn't look like a rodent.
“Unless his portraits were incredibly flattering. As for Anne of Cleavage.” Rodger McClunk
Really serious crisis
Wonk academics are up in arms over the concept of vaccine passports for students. This is based on their knowledge that the ones who give them the most adoration are also the ones most likely to refuse to do something they're told to do and also believe garbage trawled from the internet about DNA modification & microchipping.
Such students will refuse a chance to be vaccinated 'coz they think it's the government getting at them and thus be denied access to their uni to worship @ the feet of the wonks, which will cause enormous distress.
UNESCO seems to have embarked on a campaign of cancelling all the UK's existing World Heritage sites and replacing them with new ones to shake things up a bit. So that's Liverpool's waterfront gone for starters and Stonehenge in the bin next, replaced by a Welsh slate quarry. And about another 30 others to go.
Putin the Poisoner has super weapons which can zap anyone anywhere on The Planet at any time, and he reckons they are absolutely unstoppable.
“How much is Marsman Musk charging for a steerage ticket to his offworld colony?” Kat Amaran
The thing about reality is that if you deny its existence, that doesn't make it go away; as SF author P.K. Dick almost pointed out.
“Much the same applies to the idiotic fictions you find on Mr. Internet.” Ron Stable
Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.
|Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium.|
© RAL, July MM21 like anyone cares