“If people won't be vaccinated against the Chinese plague for non-medical reasons and they die or get seriously ill, that's their choice. The only involvement of the rest of use should be to ensure they don't infect anyone else rather than us going out of our way for the anti-vaxxers.” Enton Thes
There's a move afoot to pay an allowance to the frontline health and key workers who ended up with Long Covid as a result of their job.
Minimum pricing has reduced alcohol sales by 8% in Scotland. The booze industry is aghast @ the prospect of a tax level which will make booze quite unaffordable to all but the very rich and politicians on expenses.
A teacher who was suspended by Batley Grammar has been investigated for showing a cartoon of Mohammet during a R.E. class. A ruling of absence of malice was made and he can go back to work. But probably somewhere free of lethal Islamist Xtremists.
Something else the Xperts have concocted for us to worry about is Cardiac Syndrome X. Previously known as microvascular angina, it used to be thought to be harmless. Not any more. Thousands of customers could have it, or even as many as 100,000.
Some virus boffins are putting their money on a super mutation of the Chinese plague to come along to spoil things just when President Boris is about to relax locko and let the nation breathe again.
Threatening to cough or spit on someone to give them the plague, or actually doing it, especially to a police officer or NHS staff, will be worth up to 9 months in gaol in July. If the police & the courts can be bothered to enforce the law.
There is a 40% chance that global warming swindlers will be able to confect a 1.5 deg.C rise in global temperatures to reach their imaginary tipping point by the end of 2026.
The Royal Navy has been browbeaten into appointing the first female admiral in its 500 year history. It is believed that she will take charge of HMS Victory, which is currently parked in Portsmouth dockyard, receiving an extensive refit after being knocked about a bit in the battle off Trafalgar Cape, suffering 2 decades of repairs by cowboy builders and then being subjected to various indignities in retirement.
“M. Rashford seems to be learning the hard way that the wheels come off a career as a saint if your football team loses the final of an event to a foreign team. Especially on penalties.” Kevel Lasrouge
Please go boldly, Boris!
Both sides are Bad Guyson the same evidence!
Today's Word is Spadophobiafear of what sacked special political advisors will concoct about you.
BashedEargate has cost BBC licence payers £1,400,000 for the Lord Dyson hoovering operation, which could have been spent on something useful.
Today's Explanation: Martial Bliss = having a wife who's also a competent bodyguard.
To no one's surprise, Gloucester police have blown £70,000 on digging up a piece of blue pipe. It was supposed to be the clothing of a woman who disappeared and is suspected to be one of serial killer F. West's victims. But it wasn't. Both worked at the café which had its cellar dug up.
Israel's self-appointed prime monster 4 life is rumoured to be trying to join the Putin-Kashmachineko Mutual Admiration Club. He is now seen as a major threat to peace & security in his region and he needs a big stick to use to threaten his ungrateful customers. With Sleepy Joe making pals with the Palestinians, he's having to look East for salvation.
TV Film Category Explained: PG = Pretty Gruesome.
Well worth a try
Pres. Kashmachineko's minions screwed up their aerial hijack of the Ryanair dissenter-carrying flight to Vilnius in Lithuania. They sent the fake bomb-threat email 24 minutes after Russian-supplied Migs had presented the airliner with a choice between diverting to Minsk or being blown out of the sky.
Whoda Thunk It?
Putinstan will never dare to invade the Untied States as a recent survey there found that there are more guns floating around in God's Country that people!
After banning the Oxford and Johnson & Johnson vaccines, Denmark is having to unban them because its vaccination programme is failing to keep to the schedule.
Met boss Dockson of Dick Green wants to recruit inferior ethnic minority candidates in preference to competent white male candidates to obtain a diverse police farce which won't be up to the job, despite ticking all her boxes.
The experts are ganging up on President Boris over making the 21st of this month Grand Unlocko Monday. Some want him to put it off for a month, some want it to be a partial loosening rather than an unlocko and others want areas of low plague infestation to enjoy unlocko but plague areas not to. Even though they have no plan on offer for keeping spreaders out of low-plague zones.
It doesn't really matter if the French government has banned visitors from Britain as French airport staff will be on strike next month. And we are not alone in achieving a state of shambles on the air transport front, Norway's airports are also in chaos with inappropriate people in all the queues.
“Meteorological summer is upon us? What bollocks weather persons talk. Summer starts on June 20th, not the 1st. But they obviously can't deal with something that begins in the middle of a month.” Prak Tickle
The Chinese government is so confident that it has made all the evidence about how the coronavirus plague escaped from its virus factory in Wuhan go away that it has taken to taunting President Bidet of the Untied States. He's likely to have as much success with getting to the truth of the matter as the search for S. Hussein's WoMD in Iraq had, the Chinese reckon.
PM 4 Life Ne10yahoo of Israel has been offered the chance to spend more time with his lawyers and his trial for fraud, bribery & breach of trust by a coalition of his rivals.
Despite gorbal warmage, the May Bank Holiday No. 2 daytime temperature didn't get close to the 91 deg.F recorded in 1944.
The commentators for a Wednesday night match between England & Austria were startled to find themselves booed into oblivion by fans objecting to the footballers still doing the Knee of Shame in support of American criminals and bringing politics into what was supposed to be a sporting event.
According to that respected expert, Professor Prince Hairy Wails, the current epidemic of mental elfery is due to gorbal warmage. Well, he would know.
Carrot & stick
The Pope is making failure to report sexual abuse by members of the Catholic Establishment to the proper authorities a crime against that Establishment. But not until December.
If you’re narked, you’re parked
“The figures for the number of people waiting one or even two years for an NHS hip operation are described as damning. But who gets damned? The Chinese, for creating their plague and spreading it world-wide? But they don't give a damn because they're too big to.” Nokan Dhu
Japan's Chief Medical Advice Boffin thinks letting 90,000 foreigners crowd into Tokio, which is in a stage of emergency due to the Chinese plague, is a bloody daft idea. But the government seems to be hell bent on going ahead with the Olympics, come what may and die who must.
The Eateries Trade is up in arms because it can't get staff because the government is letting the people who would normally be working in the trade Skive At Home on furlough.
The Iranian navy has suffered the loss of one of the ships suspected of being used to attack traffic around the Arabian peninsula. The Britisch-built vessel 'caught fire', burned for 20 hours and sank. Israel is getting the blame.
Unless you read all the small print, making an online donation could just be shoving cash into the pockets of fund-raising chancers. You Have Been Warned!!
Q: How do Egyptians discourage their offspring from stealing?
The WHO has decided to stop naming variants of the Chinese plague after the country or territory where they developed or were spotted first.
The truth won’t set you free
The Chinese government remains confident that all the evidence of how the plague was created and who did the work has been vanished.
Vietnam has brewed up a plague variant which is a cross between the Kent & India strains, which are officially the World's Most Dangerous alongside the variants from Brazil & Sarf Efrica. Kent is now Alpha but which of the others gets Beta, Gamma & Delta is still being discussed. Which means that new variants are not getting a look-in.
There's always someone who can come up with a reason not to do anything. This week's prize goes to whoever came up with the idea of rural hospitals being overwhelmed by a rush of unlocked staycation customers, who are suddenly laid low when they are exposed to fresh air.
Ulster still says NO!!!
Q: What has lock-in done to Bad Guys?
King's College of London University has received a severe booting after wokista wonks with closed minds took a pop @ the late Prince Philip, who did an opening ceremony for the college.
Maybe, maybe not
Trying it on is always an option
Our local Jehovah's Witnesses are mailing out lettersjust addresses, no namesto tell us that J. Christ is going to form a government on Earth very soon.
Bummer! Having to wait until August 5th for the CFL season to start due to a third wave of the Chinese plague sweeping Canada. The clubs need the income from spectators, and they're going to struggle with just a 14-week season with the Grey Cup staged in December.
Blast From The Past
Get a bit of sunshine and what happens? The knife criminals start stabbing people on holiday beaches in addition to city streets.
“That's a rather peculiar notion, that crimes are being staged by 'actors'. Presumably, for the amusement of the police. Or maybe just to give them something to do.” Hazi Tate
Edinburgh University has applied the Boot of Honesty to a gang of wokists, who attempted to cancel a professor for objecting to the cancellation of the philosopher David Hume over slavery links.
Oxford council is trying to impose a ban on smoking near workplaces, school gates & parks to encourage customers to stop doing it. This is seen as a first step toward a total ban on smoking anywhere in the county.
Foreign ambassodors are in keen competition to present their credentials to The Queen now that she has decided to do it via a video conference. Only 5 are being done per week to allow H.M. to do things other than research foreigners.
Edstone Milipede is still in denial. He still won't accept that his making a bog of eating a bacon sandwich was a major reason for his failure to become prime monster in 2015.
One of the worst excuses for refusing to get vaccinated against the Chinese plague has to be that the refusenik thinks it will make himer go bald.
The owners of the Heinz brand are feeling the pinch. Own-brand supermarket offerings of tomato ketchup have been doing well since American-owned Heinz abandoned the UK and moved production to the Netherlands. Heinz is now planning to sneak back to the Wigan area and hope for an upturn in sales if the stuff is manufactured here again.
A spot of goes around
“President Trump is reported to be aghast that people pay serious money for a video lecture by former Britisch prime monster TheRazor May. In fact, he's reported to have said that he'd pay a hundred grand not to have to listen to one. Which leaves me wondering what she goes on about.
Devon & Cornwall Police are expected to waste millions of pounds of taxpayers' money on preventing ecoyobs from getting in the way of the G-7 jamboree later this month.
“Slobberedon Milosevic, the sometime Diktator of Serbiadid they ever find out who slobbered on him and where that unfortunate is buried?” Lou Smorrals
Initials Explained: MGM = Miserable Gits Mob
Q: Is a piece of sexed-up & diversified mock history on Channel 5 anything much?
Kids on Skids
The former luxury liner and wartime troop carrier RMS Queen Mary is rusting away and could end up sinking @ Long Beach, California. The ship is owned by the city and its administrators are refusing to pay for necessary repairs.
Q: Do customers in NHS hospitals have a 'uman bluddy right to choose to be treated only by staff who have had sufficient plague vaccinations? If not, why the bluddy hell not?
Q: How big an idiot do you have to be to fall for the 'gamble responsibly' crap from online casino firms?
'antipodes' is pronounced ann-tippo-dees, which means that:
Yesterday's Amazon Prime renewal scam phone call came from 001 3125 293 217. No dice for the scammer.
“Where is the new Michael Winner, who will tell the SAGE scaredy-cats to Calm down, dears!” King Pin
Q: Where do bingo wings come from?
Modern Complaints: Hairy Todger Syndrome is a result of getting your baldness and reptile dysfunction potions mixed up.
“Having experienced some warm weather last week, I have decided that I like it. So my message to the people who don't want me to be warm is: 'Far queue. Far queue very much. And may you die horribly & slowly.' Who do they think they are anyway?” Ptero Dactyl
The Ministry of Defence has upset the Scottish sporran-building industry by making noises about going in for cheaper substitutes made in Pakistan.
Q: What does the '7' in G-7 stand for?
The Office of Tax Simplification wants the tax year to begin on April 1st instead of April 6th to rub the noses of the customers in the fact that the joke is on them.
Q: Who started a bush fire, which ate 100 acres of Highland heath & young woodland in Invernessshire?
The Ministry of De Fence is to use RAF drones to spot illegal immigrants in the Channel to aid the Border Farce's mission of hoovering them up, even if they are in French waters.
“Ministers have missed an opportunity to make holidays abroad cheaper for 'hard pressed' families by giving them 'free' lateral flow tests for the Chinese plague, we are told.
“In these days of rampant Poisonous Correctness, is the word spadework banned as rachelly unsound? And should I arrest myself for the confected thought hate crime of knowing it as the answer to a crossword clue?” Meg Awatt
Americans are weird.
Xperts in the Untied States have found 'Made in Wuhan' in the small print of the DNA of the Chinese plague, establishing beyond a doubt where it came from.
Q: Is a diverse parliament a Good Thing?
There’s gratitude for youhow Bristol treats its benefactors
How did a Nepal variant of the Chinese plague get all around the world? It was spread by the mountain climbers who have been trekking up to the top of Mount Everest in record numbers recently.
The world's financial experts are claiming that Amazon will be able to avoid paying the Tech Giant Tax. But is it too much to hope for those same Xperts to come up with a way to prevent this from happening? Or is their expertise just a hollow sham?
US Pres. Joke Bidet is poking his nose into the affairs of Ulster again. He needs a severe biff on it to discourage future interference.
A body from Roman times is found when builders are doing a home extension in Rutland. The body looks like it was thrown into a ditch and there were iron manacles on the ankles. Some evil and vicious criminal who was parked after receiving his just deserts?
We are told that there is division in the ranks of the nation's plague boffins over unlocking on June 21st.
Some mug has paid 13 grand for a certificate of authenticity for a 'work of art' that doesn't exist.
The cuts in the UK aid budget in these plague-ravaged times are a worry to Yemen, we are told. But the solution to all the worries over there is in their own handsstop wasting all your cash on guns 'n' bombs 'n' bullets and civil war, and you might have somewhere to live that isn't a shitehole.
The threat of a vast, ancient population is being mitigated somewhat by the vegan cult. It is producing children who are smaller and less robust than those receiving an omnivore diet, and they are not expected to live as long.
The gorbal warmage fraudsters are unconsolable. They are unable to find a way to blame the 'uman race for an unexplained mass extinction of sharks 19 million years ago, when stocks of all species fell by 90%.
Momentum is gathering for applying the axe to the heads of the English Cricket Board for lack of common sense and absence of basic man management skills for suspending a rising star bowler over ancient stuff, which he posted on auntie-social meeja a decade ago.
M. BashedEar's picture is to be removed from his university's wall of fame gallery because his image is claiming too much attention among portraits which the average person would fail to identify, or respond to even if they were told the subject's name.
The gangs of police @ the G-7 jamboree in Cornwall are particularly worried about a serious threat to their surveillance dronesseagulls with attitude, which don't like aerial competition and are prepared to take hostile action against it.
Evidence released by the Pentagonians suggests that there is no obvious Earthly origin for about 120 of its collection of UFO pix. Which suggests that if they were flying saucers containing alien visitors, the occupants had a look around, decided they didn't like what they saw and buggered off, never to return.
FakeBuk is sucking up to the Democraps by extending President Trump's ban on using it to a couple of years. The FakeBuk business model & its data dodginess are coming under increasingly unfavourable scrutiny and any help Pres. Sleepy Joe is minded to offer would, no doubt, be more than welcome.
Definition For Today: epoxy resin
“'Yoga shrinks brain areas', the Daily Mail told me. That's a really wonderful incentive to do it! Not.” Bro Ken
Q: What do you get if you go biking in the Peak District with a video camera mounted on your cycling helmet?
“Falls over in amazement! I actually got a look at the partially eclipsed Sun yesterday morning at around 11:30. The Moon was doing its bite at the top of the solar disc and chomped to about a quarter of the way down.” Harry Zontal
“It was sunny @ 8:45 when my cat decided she was going out. Eclipse viewer standing by. 'For Direct Solar Viewing' on the front, 'DO NOT use after Aug 12 1999' on the back. Bollocks to that.
“What is it that the wonky inmates @ Oxo U. have against colonialism and H.M. The Queen? Do they resent the way our ancestors brought civilization and Britisch values to the rest of the world?
Garden SHEDs Are Now Luxuries!
Q: Do the wonks @ Amazon have a brain cell between them?
Blast From The Past:
The World Health Organization scam to conceal where variants of the Chinese plague were first spotted ain't working. The BBC uses the WHO Greek letters, then lets the cat out of the bag by telling us things like the Delta variant was first discovered in India.
“Why does the Daily Mail keep quoting stuff that disgraced former prime monster Tony B. Liar wants done on issues like allowing 'free from virus checks' international travel? Is this diversity in action? The views of the contemptible being of the same value as those of decent people?” Fran Tastiq
The staff of Apple in California have decided that they don't want to go back to working in the company's offices come September. They think office work doesn't promote diversity & inclusion as effectively as shirking @ home.
Australia is being overrun by a plague of mice, which are eating cropsand one another when the veggie diet runs out. They are also nibbling humans in their homes and also in hospitals.
Former prime monster TheRazor May is trashing her reputation further by doing a Ted Heath-style sulk and opposing President Boris at every turn.
Booing England's footballers when they bend the Knee of Shame is the new normal. TV companies are now worried about boycotts of matches featuring teams which take the Knee of Shame in the upcoming Euros tournament and loss of advertising revenue.
The reason why the Church of England is heading for extinction has been explained. The ordained members; vicars, bishops & beyond; think like looney left theGrauniad readers but the lay members think like the normal people who read the Daily Mail.
The Al Jazeera network has been under attack for the last week by BGs, who are trying to silence it. No guesses needed as to their identity and something more vigorous than Al Jazeera's threats of legal action is needed as a response.
The FA is upset because it is getting FA in the way of support from President Boris & the government for its campaign of offering the Knee of Shame in support of BLAME Bunchers, who want to abolish the police to make life easier for criminals.
It has taken until this week for the head of the police trade union for England & Wales to realize that cramming a G-7 jamboree featuring the world's top political bods into a small Cornish village is a bonkers idea. Where has he been while now? On holiday?
“Is England's cricket team getting booed for its wonkist ban on O. Robinson? Never watch it, myself.” Budget Wasp
Q: We know what a prostitute does, but what's the job description of an antistitute?
Mr. J.B. Zos, the owner of the megamonster Amazon, will be taking a jaunt 60 miles up into the air next month. He'll be doing it on July 20th, the 52nd anniversary of the Moon landing by the Apollo 11 crew. [Well, some of them. Ed.]
“If displaying pictures of The Queen is now banned to avoid reminding foreigners, especially vexatious Yanks, that they're in Britain, is the Untied States going to have to ban all those American flags, which are everywhere, to avoid giving offence to visitors from other lands?” Ritt Norf
Q: If Prince Hairy takes 20 weeks' paternity leave, will anyone notice?
To knee or not to knee? Deferably not to
Providing divorce on demand has been kicked into the long grass for at least 6 months. The Min. of Justice was supposed to deliver it this autumn but it can't get the website to work.
Nominations are now being accepted for this year's award to the person who did their level best to put the 'git' into agitator.
“Are we really expected to observe Parents Who Have Not Given Birth's Day instead of Father's Day next week?” Dev Radget
Those People are mightily MPD because booing sports professionals who take the Knee of Shame is a 'uman bluddy right and there is nowt they can do about it.
Q: Would I be sued if I suggested that Prince Hairy's missus should be renamed Mooghan as she's a bit of a cow?
Blast from the past:
France has gobbled €220 MILLION out of Gooble as a fine for anti-competitive tactics in its own favour in the Gooble marketplace.
Just a vindictive air-head
“When Pres. Sleepy Joe talks about 'Mr. Poodn of Russia', is he trying to put down Putin the Poisoner? Or is that just over-interpretation?” Joe King
+ + + EFU confecting 'sausage war' with UK by seeking to ban sales of mainland meat products in Northern Ireland + + + EFU position totally bonquers, sez Pres. Boris + + + No sugar, Shirley, wot else would it be? sez everyone else + + +
Restoring foreign aid to the previous level of £14 BILLION per year will require a tax rise equivalent to 1p on income tax. All those willing to cough up the bit extra are invited to contact HMRC. And then we'll see how serious the opinion level on this really is.
Blaming last Tuesday's internet crash on one customerunnamedof the firm that fell over sounds like a contender for the 'What's the silliest story we can concoct?' award for 2021.
Q: Is it possible to consider a woman who has more than 366 pairs of shoes as anything other than a weirdo?
The way things are
Wisden, the former cricketing bible, has been cancelled for confecting outrage against cricketers by giving a wonk the job of trawling through antique auntie-social meeja posts for daftness & youthful indiscretions.
Sir Kreepy Steamer has achieved popularity-rating parity with Labour hero O.J. Corbynstein. Both hit a rate of -29 after 14 months in the job of Labour figurehead. And the only way on from here is downwards.
+ + + Ungrammatical book for kiddies by Mhegan the Merciless biffed by critics + + +
President Bidet is keen to encourage the myth of a special relationship between the Untied States and us which puts the Yew Kay firmly in the passenger seat. This is the same 'special' relationship that involved Vice-Pres. B. Liar dragging us into Pres. Dubya Bush's illegal war in Iraq.
“The government is banning halogen and fluorescent light bulbs; well, the sale of them for a start; as part of the Green Swindle.
Q: Is it cowardly for a lion in Kenya to climb up a tree to escape being trampled by a gang of buffaloes?
Today's observation: offcologywhat the Chinese plague did to cancer treatment.
“Who needs the East German Stasi when we have every wonk & troll mining auntie-social meeja to confect hate crimes?” Labi Rinth
“The Invisible Man could never buy a non-fungible 'work of art'. The spiv wouldn't be able to see the mug coming.” Semi Lina
“The Prime Monster and the Home Sec. can talk as tough as they like, but if members of the Border Farce can go into French waters to hoover up unwelcome guests without being sacked, it's all rather pointless.” Rev O'Lting
The spirit of New Labour lives on
“The thing about all this confection about colonialism is the sheer hypocrisy & ingratitude of it all. We get gangs of Africans, whose ancestors made a bomb out of selling their fellow Africans as slaves, coming here on scholarships offered by British benefactors and sounding off about how dreadful the Britisch are.
“Which genius came up with the idea of sticking England's cricketers in T-shirts with the slogan Moment of Unity? Which invites the assumption that when the brief moment is over, it's back to disunity, as usual.” Day Munill
The British Board of Film Censors has decided that because rude & crude language is a normal part of daily life now, then just about anything goes in films that will be seen by kiddies. Thus cartoon characters f-ing and blinding is set to become the New Normal.
Where President Boris went wrong @ the G-7
“What we need now is a New Era of Reality, in which the rest of the world stops sticking its hands into the pockets of the British taxpayer and starts pulling its weight. British taxpayers should be allowed to enjoy the full benefit of their efforts for a while. It would only be fair.
Oxford U. used to be the Bee's Knees. Now, it's the Pits. Sic transit and all that.
There has been a new addition to the TV news channels since 8 p.m on SundayGB News. It seems to be strong on talking heads and not that bothered about doing news round-ups. And there are adverts to pay for it.
Illegals crossing the Channel from France have a plague rate 20x greater than that in England. A big thanks to the Border Farce for inflicting them on us.
The wheels are off for Desperate Dom. He has failed to offer any evidence to back up his slagging off of Health Sec. Hancock's Half Hour and a judge has ruled that giving his pals government contracts worth half a million quid was unlawful.
“Under what law did French police 'seize' a copy of Mein Kampf from the home of a bloke who had the good taste to smack Pres. MacRon in the mush? Fascists R Us, or what!” Asian Steak
The Spanish football team will be booed as vigorously as England's if they take the Knee of Shame at any of their matches, and supporters are being encouraged to switch their TV off if they do.
If you wear headphones @ your workplace, listen to music all day and make it impossible for your colleagues to communicate with you, you will be able to find a judge who will say that's okay and your employer can't tell you to pack it in.
Thought For The Day: Just because a remark by someone you've heard was recorded by a biographer, that doesn't make it wisdom.
“If universities which used to be in the top rank, e.g. Oxford, are turning out stoopid idiots, you have to wonder about the quality of the admission/selection process. And also that of the teaching.” Aki Leesheel
The Taishan nuclear plant in the south of China has been leaking radioactive gas for the past two weeks.
Q: Why do we spend 3x more on defence than on overseas aid?
In December 2004, the global warming fraudsters were predicting that Mount Snowdon would be completely free of snow by 2013 and would have to be given a new name excluding 'snow' to avoid falling foul of the Trade Descriptions Act.
It's rather curious that the Daily Mail keeps wheeling out D. Blunkett as some sort of elder statesman when this is a bloke who was sacked from the job of Home Sec. for abuse of office and abuse of his expenses.
When the rot set in continued: Back in 2005, Ofsted, the schools inspectorate, was complaining that nursery schools were wasting too much time teaching kids to do sums and write their names instead of how to explore their feelings.
BFN would like to revive its meaningless political slogan from 2005:
Britain: REMUGIENT not HAMATE!
[This dates back to the time when the New Labour morons @ the Home Office realized that they had blown millions of pounds of taxpayers' money on making criminals apologize to their victims in the mistaken belief that a 'repentant' criminal will lead a virtuous life. Didn't work, of course, but no one got the sack for abuse of tax revenue. Ed.]
“'Britain to give the world 100 million doses of the Chinese plague vaccine', said the headline. But what will we get in return? The usual ingratitude and earache and complaints that it's not enuff. I don't know why we bother.” Com Plaint
There is a German bloke who would have us believe that trees can see & hear things, they have a sense of smell and they have the capacity to feel pain.
Just pathetically lame
We will not be cowed by the international hostile actors of the EFU.
“You have to be pretty desperate for a whinge to accuse President Boris of hypocrisy for holding a barbeque for the other six of the G-7 when people can't have hundreds of guests @ weddings rather than just 30. Apples ain't oranges? Completely different things ain't the same? Well, that's dreadful!” Finn Galskave
“Does anyone really care if Gordon F. Broon blasts something? He proved beyond a shadow of doubt that he knows nowt about owt during the New Labour Disaster.” Lina Site
1. Pres. MacRon of France is confecting his share of the EFU's sausage war with the UK as part of his survival strategy in a country where he is deeply unpopular. His big problem is that he doesn't have access to the tanks & stooges available to the likes of Putin the Poisoner & Mr. Lukashmachineko to keep him in office for the next twenty years.
Q: How do you make a profit out of six quid for a pair of specs?
Football teams shouldn't pick players with a heart condition that makes them collapsible for international or other matches. It's as simple as that.
“Maybe we should pretend to be out whenever the EFU phones to do a whinge. At least until they get some grown-ups in positions of responsibility.” Tone Ails
55% of Germans think the EFU's burrocraps are a waste of space after the EFU's miserable attempt at creating a vaccination programme.
Ministry of Defence wonks upallows Army personnel to phone in sick if they fancy a day off from training.
Professor S. Michie of London U., SAGE and the UK communist party think face masks, safe spacing & Skiving From Home should remain in place forever as they reduce the impact of flu and other viruses as well as that of the Chinese plague.
Thanks to strenuous confection efforts by the nation's police farces, the proportion of white people arrested for terrorism offences, real and imaginary, has been elevated to 53% of those busted.
“It has been suggested that the only reason why J. Biden (Democrap) said he was supporting the UK during the 1980s Falklands War was that the Repubelicans weren'ti.e. it was just the usual BS of the politics of opposition.” Diri Ghent
“Why should we be obliged to rewrite our history for the sake of vexatious foreigners and wonks? If they don't like the history that goes with Great Britain, they are free to bugger off to somewhere else with a history that suits them. Always assuming they'll be made welcome and not told to bugger further off to someplace else by their intended hosts.” Newl Haver
Yesterday's scam call came from 02087 692 270. Some bloke with an Indian accent was trying to tell us we weren't getting the proper internet speed, but he could fix that. We told him we don't use the internet, which stopped him dead in his scammer tracks.
"It's only live once" Formula One slogan
Attempts to pack the permitted audience for England's Euros football matches with stooges seem to be failing. The Boo! Birds can still make themselves heard when the wonks on the pitch do the Knee of Shame.
“Not thinking things through completely can be a huge problem. Take the case of the new TV channel GB News. With its talking heads format, it should really be called GB Views. But I suppose it's too late to change things now.” Zip Gorn
Scotland's football team didn't do the Knee of Shame before being clobbered two-nil by the Czech Republic. But they will do it when they play England. Which demonstrates a sincerity level of zero and that it is, in fact, just a pantomime gesture, which has become a load of bollocks.
Q: If you're on the patio of the Sedgefield Country Club in North Carolina, having a meal, what do you need to avoid?
“You do realize that if I choose to take the default position that you are an idiot unless you can prove otherwise, and you challenge that, you are abusing my 'uman bluddy rights, making me entitled to sue you for compenbloodysation?
Q: Will any of the members of the institutionally corrupt & cover-up Metropolitan Police Farce lose the gongs & damehoods they collected for alleged meritorious service to the nation?
UK not guilty
Isle of Man, Queen Elizabeth II Birthday 95, 50p commemorative coins
“We seem to be in the clutches of a generation of Drama Queens, who are going round yelling that the sky is going to fall. And when it doesn't, that won't be because it was never going to happen, it will be their Big Success, for which the Little People will have to be suitably and mightily grateful.” Eric Bevaried
To all the people who think they have a divine right to tell the rest of us what to dokindly remember that we have a 'uman bluddy right to tell you to F.O.A.D.
“Maybe England's football team didn't get the chance to have breaks for cool drinks during their sweltering opening match against Croatia as a punishment for doing the KoS in support of Luddites & criminals.” Lidia Dustbin
A month's rain in a day on Friday 18th in some parts of southern England. A bullet dodged Up North in Romiley!
+ + + GB News advertising hit by vicious cancel culture hate campaign + + + Accusations of being 'a distributor of hate' libellous? + + + More pay days for legal trade to come? + + +
Q: What is wrong with the following sentence?
The Anyone But Ne10yahoo lobby is currently triumphant in Israel's parliament. But it probably won't last too long.
Q: Is lock-in going to drive the entire arts industry into extinction?
Today's Wisdom: When things go wrong, what we need is the someone who will put the 'ron' into pronto.
Moron of the Month: Lord Jones (Triv.-Dem.) for trying to blame the UK's entry in the Eurovision Tripefest getting nul points on Brexit Minister Lord Frost.
Spaceman Mr. B.E. Zos of Amazon fame has found a mug who's willing to cough up the best part of $30 million to occupy the third seat during a fun, 11-minute jaunt to the edge of space next month.
Oxford donuts who refuse to teach students from Oriel College, a Rhodes beneficiary, could be fined for breach of contract by the university and sued for compenbloodysation by the students involved.
Schools, which have to give their history lessons some content rather than observing an hour's silence, are resorting to including poisonous left-wing propaganda under the pretext of discouraging right-wing views.
“Egg on face time for any mug who paid 2 grand to watch the football teams of England & Scotland fail to put the ball in the net last Friday.” R. Noldator
Infungibilities R Us
How long is it going to take Desperate Dom to find a new hobby? Because he needs one desperately. He has dug his hole, the sides are collapsing in on him and no one is that interested in his shock-horror revelations any more.
+ + + Euros football jamboree in crisis + + + posturing players and wasbeens snubbing & trashing sponsors + + + cash drying up in protest + + + posturers in danger of having to get proper job + + +
“The Home Sec. has told us that she is cool with people booing footballers when they do the Knee of Shame. But suddenly, her boss, President Boris, has done a U-ey on it and he's agin it.
How will the travel industry understanding the government's system for categorizing destinations abroad be of any help? They still won't be able to go to the dodgy places.
Tell ’em anything. If it’s daft enough, someone will believe it!
More institutional incompetence
Unlike President Trump, who believed that the Europeon members of NATO other than the UK should pay their way, President Creaky Joe is going to splurge the organization with cash from the pockets of American taxpayers to buy himself popularity. Let us hope Uncle Joe also pays our share.
The Bride of Daesh, the terrorist comforter S. Begum, seems to be turning into an American; certainly as far as her speech patterns go. Maybe Joe & Co. will take her coz we still don't want to.
“Don't you just wish that some wonk doing the KoS will find himself unable to get up again without the assistance of a crane or heavy-lifting gear?” Four Mation
EasyJet is moving planes from the UK to Germany to generate some profit from them in a reduced regulation zone. Which proves that spot of lateral thinking can be Xtremely effective in a time of crisis.
Q: Does an opinion that the portrait is a masterpiece have any value?
The Metropolitan Police are going to review some charges against imprisoned G. Maxwell. To make them go away?
This House believes we must rework history urgentlyto remove all of the fake news & confection by the wonk tendency.
“Give the Knee of Shame a fingeror 2 if your prefer.” Badly B10ova
“What exactly are Marsman Musk's colonists going to do on Mars; other than struggle to exist; to make their relocation worthwhile?” 40 Chewed
Clonk a Wonk U kno it makes sense.
Q: What's the difference between owning a non-fungicidal token on something and owning the copyright?
The WHO is advocating a special international task force to prevent pregnant women everywhere from drinking alcohol. The international drinks industry has given the notion a firm thumbs down.
Thinking of visiting rural Scotland? Going by helicopter would be a good idea as the roads are chock-a-block with visitors from all over Britain, including Scotland's urban areas, and rural locals feel under siege by litter louts and mobile sewage factories.
Erupt, phut, retire
Q: Does Dockson of Dick Green have no shame?
The activities of the Stop Funding hate campaign have triggered a growing boycott of the brands which are claiming that GB News should not receive TV advertising because it is an antidote to wonks & the looney left.
The father of lateral thinking and guru in his own mind, E. de Bono, has died at the age of 88. As he was a Rhodes scholar, he now faces cancellation by the wonk tendency and a bonfire of all his books for his links with slavery.
In search of solutions
Apparently, it is a crime against humanity for an MP to tell someone to get a job if they are a one-legged drug addict who is begging on a public highway.
Ordering routine restaurant food using a delivery service's crApp can make the cost up to 173% dearer than Cook It Yourself for a basic meal. Much more if you go for something really fancy like a chef's speciality.
34,065 years in gaol for drugged-up drivers!!! Impressive, or what!! Actually, not. It amounts to only an average of 6 months each for all of the 68,000 drugged drivers dragged to court and gaoled over the last 4 years.
The cost of going to a public concert venue, e.g. the Manchester Arena, is likely to double if the security upgrades against exploding Islamists recommended by the Saunders investigation are implemented.
Lest we forget, Irish terrorists blew up Corporation Street in Manchester with a lorry bomb 25 years ago this month, leaving 200 people with 'horrifying' injuries from shattered plate glass window shrapnel.
The Narzis burnt books, the Catholic Church burnt people. But only the Narzis were cancelled. Is that fair?
Iran set two local records for presidential elections this monththe lowest ever turn-out and a highest ever spoilt ballot rate of 13%.
The SNP is facing questions about where the cash donated to campaign for a second independence referendum has gone. Burney's Bunch promised that the £600,000 raised by activists would be ring-fenced. But there is only £96K in the bank.
Today's ScAmazon call came from 01482 354 941. A wonky machine voice said your card has been charged £399. I wonder what they're sending!
The UK inflation rate is on course for reaching 4%, the Xperts reckon. Another crisis for the Bonk of England.
+ + + Ex-Commons Squeaker Bollocks to Berko joins Labour party + + + "No loss/Who gives a crap?" say Tories + + + "He's been on Labour's side for years" + + + Lack of elevation to Lords blamed on Bremoaning and always siding with Labour + + + Has Sir Kreepy offered Berko a peerage? + + +
The broadcasting regulator is going to change its name to Offsod in protest against the flood of frivolous complaints from looney left wonks when someone dares to express an opinion they don't like on GB Views.
Bunch of chancers
Who cares who wins?
Q: Why can Scottish football fans invade England but Burney doesn't want people to travel from the North-West of England to Scotland?
Dear Ask A Guru, The older I get, the more often I find myself resorting to the F-word and its variants to express my frustration with unco-operative & obstructive objects. Is there a lifetime quota on these words and am I in danger of suddenly finding myself unable to give adequate voice to my frustration? [Rejoice! The supply is sufficient to the need. the Guru]
Is there an effective size for the public sector? In England, the bloated Whitehall departments think they can do everything and don't talk to the others. As a result, there is major duplication of effort and massive waste of taxpayers' cash. In Scotland, everyone knows everyone else but the result is cronyism, incompetence and corruption on an epic scale.
What purpose will an apology from the Scottish government for forced adoptions 70-50 years ago serve? The people who ordered the kids to be grabbed are probably all dead by now and an apology won't fix the damage cause. And it will come from people who can pretend to be virtuous and it's something they would never do, and indulge in an orgy of self-preening.
Today's useful French phrase: Il est un ock de pill.
Boneheads using the same ‘me, me, me’ script
Talking about Labour, as we have been recently, the local Trivial-Democraps are steamed up because they are the largest party on Stockport council but the Tories have backed Labour to be in charge, not them.
Scotland's eviction from the Euros football tournament, despite a big helping hand from the unappreciated neighbours south of the border, is being viewed as yet another example of Wee Burney & the SNP promising the Earth and failing, yet again, to deliver the goods.
“Why is a report that one and a half million NHS operations were cancelled or delayed due to the Chinese plague 'damning'? Who is to be damned? The surgeons & other medical staff? Hospital administrators? The plague patients who took away the capacity to perform surgery as usual?
Cheerful Charlie is back with more
Bandits in Action
The Stonewall protection racket has been rumbled by HM Government, which is in the process of cancelling its dips into the taxpayer's pocket. The same needs to be avoided with the Stop Funding hate campaign.
How can meeting a team mate who's been picked by a rival nation in the tunnel area @ Wembley stadium after a match be a hideous breach of plague rules? Especially if the trio have spent 90 minutes chasing one another around, and maybe knocking lumps off one another, on the pitch?
“Is it really five years since we voted to bin the EFU? And yet, it's dead claws are still ripping chunks out of our lives. Some escape.” Evil Egor
Q: Are the Tories worried about losing the occasional Blue Wall seat in Parliament to a Liberal protest vote?
“Do we really need the Daily Mail to Dig Up Princess Di every 25 years? Surely every 50 years would be quite sufficient.” Weakly Rageous
The sale of virgin & extra-virgin olive oil is to be banned in the EFU on diversity grounds. The industry is now in a frantic scramble for a more acceptable upper-echelon appellation.
A sale of 'lost' literary treasures, including handwritten efforts by Bronte sisters Emily & Charlotte, has been put on hold to determine whether the documents & books can be saved for the nation by confecting a slavery link & confiscation.
The unwatched, loss-making embarrassment that is Channel 4 is to be sold off by the government to eliminate its ongoing drain on the taxpayer.
Today's criminal offence: elevated assaultpunching someone on a mountain
Q: What do you get if you play football against Scotland?
The head teacher of St Paul's Girls' School has abolished the position of head girl @ an all-girls school because it is an unwonk appellation. The derision level from former inmates of SPGS is officially 'high'.
One possible future
Q: Is there something 'Orwellian' about Bloomsbury Books telling its employees they need to be vaccinated against the Chinese plague?
Brain dead, jerking knee, BS
Zoos and safari parks are to be banned from importing elephants, which means that when the ones that are already here die off, elephants will become Xtinct in the UK. Bets are now being laid on whether this happens before or after elephants become Xtinct in Africa.
Think of an excuse
Today's definition: HUTAgonianspeople with their head so far up their own arse that they can't see another point of view. They live in the cracks in the pavement and come crawling out when they are least welcome in the real world.
The Daily Mail has revealed that Princess Di was the architect of her own demise! If she hadn't picked a fight with the government of the day over landmines, she would never have set in motion the chain of events that led to that fatal car crash in Paris.
Putin the Poisoner has been dismissed as a pathetic grandstander and posturer for shooting off some marine ammunition which had reached its sell-by date near a British destroyer in international waters in the Black Sea and calling it a naval exercise.
Letting thousands of unvaccinated UEFA & FIFA trough-scoffers & VIP plague spreaders into Britain for football matches next month without requiring them to serve a 10-day quarantine period cannot be justified.
To all newspaper editors: Please be advised that newspaper exclusives are to be banned as they breach inclusivity rules and promote division. Have a nice dayif that's still possible.
Paper wine bottles with a plastic liner instead of glass bottles to save The Planet from gorbal warmage? That will work.
“M. Rashford might be a saint off the pitch but how many goals has he scored for England recently?” Jonquin Sella
“If we're expected to believe that an 83-year-old bloke is a 30-year-old Danish prince and a woman 20 years his junior is his mum, where is the greater performance? On stage or in the ranks of the audience for the I. McKellen stab @ Hamlet by W. Shakespeare? (to give the author his due credit)” Marga Lunch
Cull the competition
The List of Shame of the GB News advertising boycotters
We have seen an appalling parade of po-faced buffoons polluting our TVs with their demands that Health Sec. Hancock's Half Hour should quit.
Q: How serious was the crime committed by Hancock's Half Hour when he embraced a colleague, as revealed by CCTV trawled up by some nasty bastard?
Due to new plague regulations and a major crash caused by a stoooopid spectator during the opening stage, the rest of this year's Autour de France will be held in a lorry park in Reims.
Anyone hoping to get into the Guinness Book of Records with the most persistent case of the Chinese plague is going to have to beat 300 days.
If you use a bad, bad, banned word during a training course to teach you what is and what isn't a bad word, you can sue for wrongful dismissaland winif your stoopid bloody borough council employer sacks you.
“Something Prince Hairy and Mazzer didn't spot when they turned down the title Earl of Dumbarton for their kid is that as well as 'dumb', it also contains 'bar', which could have led to the kid being cancelled by dumoxes like . . . well, Haz 'n' Maz.” Mustafa Riddle
Q: Has D. Chauvin been stitched up?
Q: Does it matter that one-third of motorists don't know the significance of a green numberplate?
Free Britney with every 5 gallons.
hancock should be fired, blah, blah
Scouse Status Symbol Scuppered
“It's perfectly okay for President Boris to make Xtravagant commitments on the warmage front as long as he never does anything toward meeting them, as he is doing at the moment.
Q: What do you do if you're told that you are not good enough for the job at the end of probationary period?
Despair early, do it now!
Desperate (to be noticed) Dom has proclaimed that all political parties in the UK are rotten to the core. Tomorrow, he'll be telling us something else that everyone already knew. Thank you very much.
VP of the USA Harrisment is being accused of handing control of the estate of the late singer N. Simone (of colour) to white people instead of the family. Not a terribly diverse & unrachelist thing to do. But hey, Harrisment is a politician and they all think they're fireproof.
More goes around
Marks & Sparks is pushing a line of G. Floyd diversity knickers. Sickening, or what!
Drinking coffee may prevent liver problems in later life. Or not.
Q: I keep getting an electric shock when I touch things. What should I do?
How Woke a Wonk can U B?
Reality is biting President Creaky Joe. His plan to splurge $4 TRILLION of other people's money on making himself popular has been pared down to under a trillion bucks and could even end up at a figure which the US Congress is prepared to swallow.
The Politics of the Pointless
The British zoologist who tried to bin the suspicion that the Chinese plague escaped from the lab in Wuhan has been cancelled by his employer, the UN commission investigating the source of the plague.
Prince Hairy was lying when he claimed that his dad cut off his pocket money. On the contrary, Prince Chazzer continued to sub him, even after he buggered off abroad. Old Hairy still has to learn that you need to keep your gob firmly shut until you've made all the evidence that could sink you go away.
Strange that the newspaper strap-line "COMMENT by David Blunkett, former Education Secretary" doesn't include the revelation that he was sacked for abuse of his expenses and his position in government, and he's not, in fact, some wise elder statesman.
Very different strokes
British police officers are allowed to use proportionate force to defend themselves against a customer who is big, drugged up, violent and totally out of control, even if he is non-white.
Boffins @ Cambridge U. have concluded that animosity is its own reward, as far as anti-social meeja are concerned. The bigger, the more vile and the more disgusting the trolling, the greater the attention it gets.
Today's Thought: "They are not long, the days of wine and roses"which seems to assume that they can be consumed in tandem only in winter.
Instant Mealsthe ULTIMATE convenience
Deaths of cyclists in 2020 were up by 40% despite the much lower levels of traffic on the nation's roads thanks to the Chinese plague.
Busted Flush Scenario
Woke Logic: Disgraced police officer B. Monk was a keen golfer in his teens. As a consequence of his conviction for manslaughter, everyone who has ever played gold will have to be cancelled.
The Pinkagon: HQ for fellow travellers, wokists, and other traitors & enemies of the Britisch way of life.
The Delta variant of the Chinese plague has been renamed Delta-Alpha to allow a variant from India's neighbour, Nepal, to be designated Delta-Beta rather than Delta+.
Highly Creative or A Decade of Deception
The female spectator who caused that mega-crash during the first day of Autour de France is facing a year in gaol for her doziness. And then there are all the compensation claims to come from injured riders . . .
Upping the ante
“A 'debate' on Twatter? Joke!” Jerry Mander
The Welsh National Anthem, Land of my Fathers, has been cancelled on sexism and Xclusion grounds.
The FA's answer to fans booing footballers doing the Knee of Shame in support of the criminal & anti-police communities is to play loud music into the microphones of radio & TV commentators up to the kick off to censor the disapproval. Broadcasting cheering on the PA system seems to be another wee trick. Anyone visiting aliens would think we're living in a colony from China or Putinstan.
The nation is somewhat grateful to Germany for fielding their B-Team to let England win one against them for the first time since 1966.
You have to wonder if it matters if the 'uman race goes Xtinct after reading that 10% of the Scots in a survey turned out to be scoffing powerful opioid painkillers prescribed by their GP. Are we really that wonky?
Yesterday's ScAmazon Prime subscription renewal phone call was a fairly decent quality recording from 0013127 870 953.
All teachers are to be required to produce a certificate of adequate hearing after one reported a Moslem kid to the anti-terror watchdog. The pretentious kid said he wanted to give alms to the needy. The teacher thought he said 'arms'.
A populist historian reckons that the cause of every major disaster can be traced back to some jobsworth or burrocrat who screwed up, or to a purely natural catastrophe. The man at the topthe president, the minister, etc.always gets the blame; but unfairly. The historian has a book to plug.
“Angular Mherkel trying to ban all Britisch tourists from everywhere in the EFU, vaccinated or not, shows just how much pain of rejection Brexit caused!” Vex Atious
Q: "We'll scrap 1M rule on July19" said the headline. But what exactly is the one-million rule?
The perils of showing off for news-hacks with cameras!
A pensioner who tested positive for the Chinese plague for a world record 305 days managed to shed 8½ stones whilst getting rid of the plague, and thus also freed himself from the perils of o'besity. Plague-free, he weighs only 10 stone now and he is in need of a completely new wardrobe.
Mobile phone service providers are accusing Kanzler Mherkel of damaging their profit margins as they will be unable to rake in roaming charges from Britisch customers if the boss of Germany won't let them into the EFU coz of Brexit.
Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.