WEEK 1

 
“Good Thing—there's no need to blow £12.9 MILLION of taxpayers' cash on an inquiry into the government's handling of the Chinese plague. Desperate Dom has done the job already.” Barry Kobammer
“Who will be Scotland's Dangerous Dom, who will spare English taxpayers from having to pay for an investigation of Wee Burney's plague shambles?” Robby Nood

“If people won't be vaccinated against the Chinese plague for non-medical reasons and they die or get seriously ill, that's their choice. The only involvement of the rest of use should be to ensure they don't infect anyone else rather than us going out of our way for the anti-vaxxers.” Enton Thes

There's a move afoot to pay an allowance to the frontline health and key workers who ended up with Long Covid as a result of their job.

Minimum pricing has reduced alcohol sales by 8% in Scotland. The booze industry is aghast @ the prospect of a tax level which will make booze quite unaffordable to all but the very rich and politicians on expenses.

A teacher who was suspended by Batley Grammar has been investigated for showing a cartoon of Mohammet during a R.E. class. A ruling of absence of malice was made and he can go back to work. But probably somewhere free of lethal Islamist Xtremists.

Something else the Xperts have concocted for us to worry about is Cardiac Syndrome X. Previously known as microvascular angina, it used to be thought to be harmless. Not any more. Thousands of customers could have it, or even as many as 100,000.

Some virus boffins are putting their money on a super mutation of the Chinese plague to come along to spoil things just when President Boris is about to relax locko and let the nation breathe again.

Threatening to cough or spit on someone to give them the plague, or actually doing it, especially to a police officer or NHS staff, will be worth up to 9 months in gaol in July. If the police & the courts can be bothered to enforce the law.

There is a 40% chance that global warming swindlers will be able to confect a 1.5 deg.C rise in global temperatures to reach their imaginary tipping point by the end of 2026.
   There is a 100% chance that they will come up with another imaginary tipping point later on in our future as 2026 approaches.

The Royal Navy has been browbeaten into appointing the first female admiral in its 500 year history. It is believed that she will take charge of HMS Victory, which is currently parked in Portsmouth dockyard, receiving an extensive refit after being knocked about a bit in the battle off Trafalgar Cape, suffering 2 decades of repairs by cowboy builders and then being subjected to various indignities in retirement.

“M. Rashford seems to be learning the hard way that the wheels come off a career as a saint if your football team loses the final of an event to a foreign team. Especially on penalties.” Kevel Lasrouge

Please go boldly, Boris!
"Don't steal our summer!"
"Let people use their common sense."
   That last message cum plea to the prime monster sounds like a recipe for disaster as everyone has their own idea of what is sensible. For confirmation of that, all you have to do is look back at the totally contradictory messages from the alleged plague Xperts over the past year.
   And the Dom Diatribe, of course.
“What we need now is a new word for a diatribe of Dom's wordiness level.” Mann Churia
“Is Dom about to sink into obscurity, deflated, bolt shot, after getting all that off his chest? Someone with his record as a back-stabber has to be restricted to a very limited type of employment. But someone will probably take the risk eventually. The world is full of head-bangers.” Dick Tater

Both sides are Bad Guys—on the same evidence!
“Newspapers must be Xtremely grateful to Desperate Dom as he has given them a chance to wage hate campaigns against all their pet hates in the government whilst running a simultaneous demolition programme on Dom's best claims.” Zak Parody
“p.s. When did Desperate Dom become the sole arbiter of who is and who isn't qualified to be the prime monster? WTFH does he kno about it?” Stoney Broke
[In case you were wondering, WTFH is the product of a collision between WTF and WFH, which worked surprisingly well. Ed.]

Today's Word is Spadophobia—fear of what sacked special political advisors will concoct about you.

BashedEargate has cost BBC licence payers £1,400,000 for the Lord Dyson hoovering operation, which could have been spent on something useful.
[But probably wouldn't have been. Ed.]

Today's Explanation: Martial Bliss = having a wife who's also a competent bodyguard.

To no one's surprise, Gloucester police have blown £70,000 on digging up a piece of blue pipe. It was supposed to be the clothing of a woman who disappeared and is suspected to be one of serial killer F. West's victims. But it wasn't. Both worked at the café which had its cellar dug up.

Israel's self-appointed prime monster 4 life is rumoured to be trying to join the Putin-Kashmachineko Mutual Admiration Club. He is now seen as a major threat to peace & security in his region and he needs a big stick to use to threaten his ungrateful customers. With Sleepy Joe making pals with the Palestinians, he's having to look East for salvation.

TV Film Category Explained: PG = Pretty Gruesome.

Well worth a try
Our government is being urged to use the not-so-great gorbal warmage fraud to our benefit by applying a carbon tax to imported goods from places like India & China to level up the playing field.
   Domestic companies feel that they are being done over through all sorts of government warmage garbage, which is applied to stuff manufactured here but not imported stuff.
   The playing field is being tilted by the fact that UK carbon emissions are going down (or the numbers are being fiddled to make them appear to be) whilst those of filthy foreigners are leaping up @ accelerating rates. By 30+ or 60+% in some cases.

Pres. Kashmachineko's minions screwed up their aerial hijack of the Ryanair dissenter-carrying flight to Vilnius in Lithuania. They sent the fake bomb-threat email 24 minutes after Russian-supplied Migs had presented the airliner with a choice between diverting to Minsk or being blown out of the sky.

Whoda Thunk It?
The US cities which cut their police budget in response to the rioting & destruction following the demise of funny money-passer G. Floyd have all experienced a surge in crime.
   To the surprise of the city fathers concerned, their BG populations have taken full advantage of the situation, especially in Noo Yawk. The cuts are now having to be reversed to prevent rioting by the non-criminal members of the communities, who are, of course, on the receiving end of the fallout from this frankly stoooopid policy.

Putinstan will never dare to invade the Untied States as a recent survey there found that there are more guns floating around in God's Country that people!

Unshockable Luvvies?
It's something of a surprise that the acting trade isn't up in arms over the misappropriation of the term 'actor'.
   Foreign spies are 'state actors'. So are killing squads from Russia and Saudia. And hackers based in and employed by rogue states are also 'actors'.
   Now, accomplices of criminal suspects are being called 'actors' as in "The police do not believe there was a third actor."
   But maybe the luvvies are just waiting patiently for the fad to die out and be replaced with a libel on another trade.

After banning the Oxford and Johnson & Johnson vaccines, Denmark is having to unban them because its vaccination programme is failing to keep to the schedule.

Met boss Dockson of Dick Green wants to recruit inferior ethnic minority candidates in preference to competent white male candidates to obtain a diverse police farce which won't be up to the job, despite ticking all her boxes.
“This will be her revenge for being found out and found wanting.” Miko Portaloo

The experts are ganging up on President Boris over making the 21st of this month Grand Unlocko Monday. Some want him to put it off for a month, some want it to be a partial loosening rather than an unlocko and others want areas of low plague infestation to enjoy unlocko but plague areas not to. Even though they have no plan on offer for keeping spreaders out of low-plague zones.

It doesn't really matter if the French government has banned visitors from Britain as French airport staff will be on strike next month. And we are not alone in achieving a state of shambles on the air transport front, Norway's airports are also in chaos with inappropriate people in all the queues.

“Meteorological summer is upon us? What bollocks weather persons talk. Summer starts on June 20th, not the 1st. But they obviously can't deal with something that begins in the middle of a month.” Prak Tickle
“Next thing you know, they'll be insisting there's a Meteorological Xmas on December 1st.” Bombda Fukoota

The Chinese government is so confident that it has made all the evidence about how the coronavirus plague escaped from its virus factory in Wuhan go away that it has taken to taunting President Bidet of the Untied States. He's likely to have as much success with getting to the truth of the matter as the search for S. Hussein's WoMD in Iraq had, the Chinese reckon.

PM 4 Life Ne10yahoo of Israel has been offered the chance to spend more time with his lawyers and his trial for fraud, bribery & breach of trust by a coalition of his rivals.
   The major downside of losing the job to which he has been a klingon for 12 years is that if he's out of office, he can't grant himself a pardon if/when convicted.

Despite gorbal warmage, the May Bank Holiday No. 2 daytime temperature didn't get close to the 91 deg.F recorded in 1944.

The commentators for a Wednesday night match between England & Austria were startled to find themselves booed into oblivion by fans objecting to the footballers still doing the Knee of Shame in support of American criminals and bringing politics into what was supposed to be a sporting event.
   8,000 safely spaced fans had been allowed into Middlesbrough's plague-secure Riverside Stadium for the friendly occasion. England 1, Austria nil at the end.

According to that respected expert, Professor Prince Hairy Wails, the current epidemic of mental elfery is due to gorbal warmage. Well, he would know.
“If that's so, why doesn't he take his overheated brain to the North Pole or Antarctica to seek a cure?” Code Erodes
“Maybe he likes having the alibi to fall back on.” Trigger Treat

Carrot & stick
The EFU is trying to buy Byelorussia's affections. EC President von Leyen thinks a bung of €3 BILLION to Pres 4 Life Kashmachineko will seduce him out of the evil clutches of Putin the Pants Poisoner and put this benighted blot on the landscape on the road to democracy.
   Not that the 'democracy' of the EFU is any advert for the institution.
The Europeon Broadcasting Union has shown its displeasure by banning Byelorussia from its Song Contest Stitch-Up. That's showing the buggers!

The Pope is making failure to report sexual abuse by members of the Catholic Establishment to the proper authorities a crime against that Establishment. But not until December.

If you’re narked, you’re parked
Secondary schools have been ordered not to let their customers express outrage @ the treatment of Palestinians in territories occupied by the Israeli regime as part of the anti-anti-Semmitism campaign directed at the Labour party and its customers.
   Demos in favour of Palestinian rights are streng verboten by order!

“The figures for the number of people waiting one or even two years for an NHS hip operation are described as damning. But who gets damned? The Chinese, for creating their plague and spreading it world-wide? But they don't give a damn because they're too big to.” Nokan Dhu

Japan's Chief Medical Advice Boffin thinks letting 90,000 foreigners crowd into Tokio, which is in a stage of emergency due to the Chinese plague, is a bloody daft idea. But the government seems to be hell bent on going ahead with the Olympics, come what may and die who must.

The Eateries Trade is up in arms because it can't get staff because the government is letting the people who would normally be working in the trade Skive At Home on furlough.

The Iranian navy has suffered the loss of one of the ships suspected of being used to attack traffic around the Arabian peninsula. The Britisch-built vessel 'caught fire', burned for 20 hours and sank. Israel is getting the blame.

Unless you read all the small print, making an online donation could just be shoving cash into the pockets of fund-raising chancers. You Have Been Warned!!

Q: How do Egyptians discourage their offspring from stealing?
A: They tie a thieving brat to a pole, cover him with honey and leave at the mercy of the local bees for a while.

The WHO has decided to stop naming variants of the Chinese plague after the country or territory where they developed or were spotted first.
   The new policy is to use the Greek alphabet for variant nomenclature, starting with Alpha for the Kent variant, which will be very educational and quite useful for crossword fans as it progresses.
   No doubt national governments will follow this lead in due course; after an attempt to make everyone else think it was their idea in the first place.
“This is supposed to end discrimination against the places where variants developed. But it's clearly an attempt to disguise the fact that China is to blame for creating and spreading the bloody virus in the first place.” Elly Mentary

Your latest travel advice from SAGE, which is bothered about the Europeon spread of a plague variant from Nepal, which is much too new to have a Greek letter assigned to it and still has the 'might be resistant to vaccines' scare story attached to it despite a total lack of proof

The truth won’t set you free
That the government of China brewed up & released the coronavirus pandemic is now officially Credible & True. MI6 thinks so, and even the China-dominated World Health Organization is making noises in this direction.

The Chinese government remains confident that all the evidence of how the plague was created and who did the work has been vanished.

Vietnam has brewed up a plague variant which is a cross between the Kent & India strains, which are officially the World's Most Dangerous alongside the variants from Brazil & Sarf Efrica. Kent is now Alpha but which of the others gets Beta, Gamma & Delta is still being discussed. Which means that new variants are not getting a look-in.

There's always someone who can come up with a reason not to do anything. This week's prize goes to whoever came up with the idea of rural hospitals being overwhelmed by a rush of unlocked staycation customers, who are suddenly laid low when they are exposed to fresh air.

Ulster still says NO!!!
The new fundamentalist leader of the DUP in Ulster has the number of the EFU. He reckons that our enemies in Europe are using Ulster as a plaything to punish the UK for daring to Brexit from their poisonous club. And he's not going to stand for it.

Q: What has lock-in done to Bad Guys?
A: Made it so difficult to launder cash that the fuzz were able to rake in £13 MILLION in banknotes, which BGs had been unable to legitimize.

King's College of London University has received a severe booting after wokista wonks with closed minds took a pop @ the late Prince Philip, who did an opening ceremony for the college.

Maybe, maybe not
Six current and former bosses of The Post Office could face criminal charges, including perverting the course of justice, for persecuting postmasters over imaginary missing cash created by defective software.
   87% of those who responded to an instant poll on the subject expected them to get away with it.

Today's Definitions:
Protein—beef
Amtein—a vegan concoction

Trying it on is always an option
"Don't do the crime if you can't do the time" is advice likely to deepen the depression of the TV doctor with assets of £20K, who has been ordered to pay £125K to ex-DUP leader A. Foster for a casual online libel.
   But he is hoping that his fans will come up with the £300K, which he is likely to face as the cost of the whole mess. The response from some of his online fans, however, suggests that he is not going to get too close to the legal ransom.

Our local Jehovah's Witnesses are mailing out letters—just addresses, no names—to tell us that J. Christ is going to form a government on Earth very soon.
   The new management will stamp out the Chinese plague and zap wicked people like Putin the Poisoner and exploding Islamists. Which will be nice.

Bummer! Having to wait until August 5th for the CFL season to start due to a third wave of the Chinese plague sweeping Canada. The clubs need the income from spectators, and they're going to struggle with just a 14-week season with the Grey Cup staged in December.

Blast From The Past
This month 8 years ago, two members of the English Defence League were arrested “on suspicion of obstructing police”. Which carries the implication that the coppers concerned were too dim to be able to tell if they had been obstructed.
   CCTV and pocket phone pictures were being scanned in search of evidence to support this ludicrous charge, which was obviously just plain harassment of members of an unpopular political minority.
   We haven't come across another case of this clear abuse of authority, which suggests that either the police have become sneakier and they have been able to conceal their abuses of due process, or they have confected a less obviously absurd non-crime.

Get a bit of sunshine and what happens? The knife criminals start stabbing people on holiday beaches in addition to city streets.

“That's a rather peculiar notion, that crimes are being staged by 'actors'. Presumably, for the amusement of the police. Or maybe just to give them something to do.” Hazi Tate

Edinburgh University has applied the Boot of Honesty to a gang of wokists, who attempted to cancel a professor for objecting to the cancellation of the philosopher David Hume over slavery links.
   Parallels are being drawn between the Looney Left cancellers and the architects of the alleged Cultural Revolution in China.

Oxford council is trying to impose a ban on smoking near workplaces, school gates & parks to encourage customers to stop doing it. This is seen as a first step toward a total ban on smoking anywhere in the county.
The diversity lobby is up in arms over this, claiming that it is an assault on the poor, the mentally ill, the homeless and travellers, who do most of the county's smoking.

Foreign ambassodors are in keen competition to present their credentials to The Queen now that she has decided to do it via a video conference. Only 5 are being done per week to allow H.M. to do things other than research foreigners.

Edstone Milipede is still in denial. He still won't accept that his making a bog of eating a bacon sandwich was a major reason for his failure to become prime monster in 2015.

One of the worst excuses for refusing to get vaccinated against the Chinese plague has to be that the refusenik thinks it will make himer go bald.

The owners of the Heinz brand are feeling the pinch. Own-brand supermarket offerings of tomato ketchup have been doing well since American-owned Heinz abandoned the UK and moved production to the Netherlands. Heinz is now planning to sneak back to the Wigan area and hope for an upturn in sales if the stuff is manufactured here again.

A spot of goes around
President Bidet is being outed for his involvement in phone-tapping and spying on Europeon politicians, especially Angular Mherkel.
   The dastardly deeds took place 8 years ago, when he was vice-pres. to Pres. O'Bummer and the US spy gang the NSA [No Such Agency, Ed.] was in cahoots with Danish spooks. And also Sleepy Joe.

“President Trump is reported to be aghast that people pay serious money for a video lecture by former Britisch prime monster TheRazor May. In fact, he's reported to have said that he'd pay a hundred grand not to have to listen to one. Which leaves me wondering what she goes on about.
   “Does she have her own equivalent of neoclassical endogenous growth theory? Which had the customers riveted to their seats when Gordon F. Broon was pushing it all them years ago.” Arabama Neater

Devon & Cornwall Police are expected to waste millions of pounds of taxpayers' money on preventing ecoyobs from getting in the way of the G-7 jamboree later this month.
   Scary Carrie will be in charge of the G-7 WAGs. That should be a thrill for them.
“In view of the state of the national finances, and taking into consideration what would be best for The Planet, it would be a good idea to shoot the yobs; using wooden crossbow bolts rather than lead bullets, and feed their carcases to the sharks off Land's End.” Malda Méres

“Slobberedon Milosevic, the sometime Diktator of Serbia—did they ever find out who slobbered on him and where that unfortunate is buried?” Lou Smorrals

Initials Explained: MGM = Miserable Gits Mob
“That's an a.k.a. for the Labour party?” S. Treuth

Q: Is a piece of sexed-up & diversified mock history on Channel 5 anything much?
A: It might feature characters with the same names as historical figures, but no.
“Are the actors in fact actors in a conspiracy against historical accuracy and worthy of the attention of the Old Bill?” E. Klips
[Ochen' mnogo kraposhch, was our Russian sub-editor's contribution. Ed.]

Kids on Skids
The pandemic has given the government a splendid opportunity to create schoolkids with useful knowledge. The education system has a chance during the catch-up period to concentrate on the essentials and teach kids to read, write and do basic sums relevant to surviving as an adult.
   Kids can also be taught that the stuff on the internet is mainly there thanks to the efforts of idiots and people with a cause, which is usually disgraceful & self-serving to the disadvantage of others.
“So what did the government's Catch-Up Tsar do? Grasp the opportunity to do something useful and well? No. Flounce off in a huff, complaining he wasn't getting enough trillions to blow on frills & PC crap. Typical!” Bash Talverise

The former luxury liner and wartime troop carrier RMS Queen Mary is rusting away and could end up sinking @ Long Beach, California. The ship is owned by the city and its administrators are refusing to pay for necessary repairs.

Q: Do customers in NHS hospitals have a 'uman bluddy right to choose to be treated only by staff who have had sufficient plague vaccinations? If not, why the bluddy hell not?
A: (a) Only in a perfect world. (b) Thank the 'uman bluddy rights industry, which always favours the rights of a vexatious minority over those of the majority.
Q: (b) Why?
A: 'Coz there's more money to be made out of it.

Q: How big an idiot do you have to be to fall for the 'gamble responsibly' crap from online casino firms?
A: Anything over two foot five and a half works.

'antipodes' is pronounced ann-tippo-dees, which means that:
'antibodies' has to be pronounced ann-tibbo-dees. Just so you know.

Yesterday's Amazon Prime renewal scam phone call came from 001 3125 293 217. No dice for the scammer.

WEEK II

 
“The BFN strap line for next month? 'scampering down a rabbit hole over variants' Yours for no charge.” Merse I. Full

“Where is the new Michael Winner, who will tell the SAGE scaredy-cats to Calm down, dears!” King Pin

Q: Where do bingo wings come from?
A: Red Bull gives you wiiings.

Modern Complaints: Hairy Todger Syndrome is a result of getting your baldness and reptile dysfunction potions mixed up.

“Having experienced some warm weather last week, I have decided that I like it. So my message to the people who don't want me to be warm is: 'Far queue. Far queue very much. And may you die horribly & slowly.' Who do they think they are anyway?” Ptero Dactyl
[Unrepentant, or what. Ed.]

The Ministry of Defence has upset the Scottish sporran-building industry by making noises about going in for cheaper substitutes made in Pakistan.

Sinister plot?
Attempts to abolish the 'not proven' third verdict in Scottish courts are being seen as a fore-runner of an attempt to abolish the presumption of innocence. Why? To manipulate conviction rates upwards to make the police and Crown Office look better. Especially if a majority of 8 to 7 from a 15-member jury is seen as enough for a conviction.
“Ex-judges moaning that they were not allowed to explain to a jury what a 'not proven' verdict amounted to is no excuse. If judges were or are concerned about this, they should be agitating for a change to the law instead of doing bugger all. Sitting idly by means you're not bovvered, and it's no good pretending otherwise.”

Q: What does the '7' in G-7 stand for?
A: The £70,000 of taxpayers' money, which the Cornish jamboree is going to cost us taxpayers for security.
A: Gordon F. Broon is using the jamboree shamelessly to plug his latest book on endoclassical neogorbal whatever.

The Office of Tax Simplification wants the tax year to begin on April 1st instead of April 6th to rub the noses of the customers in the fact that the joke is on them.

Q: Who started a bush fire, which ate 100 acres of Highland heath & young woodland in Invernessshire?
A: A bloke with a degree in ecology and a business offering outdoor survival training, who lit a back garden bonfire on the hottest and windiest day of the year.

The Ministry of De Fence is to use RAF drones to spot illegal immigrants in the Channel to aid the Border Farce's mission of hoovering them up, even if they are in French waters.

“Ministers have missed an opportunity to make holidays abroad cheaper for 'hard pressed' families by giving them 'free' lateral flow tests for the Chinese plague, we are told.
   “But who will be paying for these 'free' tests? Will the cash just be picked off the Magic Money Tree? Or will non-travelling taxpayers, including us 'hard pressed' pensioners, be required to dig deeper? Good on you, Ministers, for not robbing us a bit more.” Des Tination

“In these days of rampant Poisonous Correctness, is the word spadework banned as rachelly unsound? And should I arrest myself for the confected thought hate crime of knowing it as the answer to a crossword clue?” Meg Awatt
[Prolly. Ed.]

Americans are weird.
The governors of several of the Untied States are feeling the need to offer lottery tickets to persuade their customers to get vaccinated against the Chinese plague.
   Cash, shotguns, free beer, amusement park tickets, fishing licences, state park permits, hunting rifles and gift cards are just some of the riot of stuff on offer. And, no doubt, there are some characters who are trying to fill both arms with vaccine, instead of having just 2 shots, to maximize their chance of winning something.

Xperts in the Untied States have found 'Made in Wuhan' in the small print of the DNA of the Chinese plague, establishing beyond a doubt where it came from.
    The regime in Peking is chewing carpets—despite knowing that one of its military boffins filed a patent for a Chinese plague vaccine in February of last year, proving that it had been around for years(?)—or at least long enough for all the vaccine development work to be done.

Alien invaders? Nope, they're Indian motorbike cops wearing coronavirus-themed helmets to drive home the twin messages of the need for maintaining safe spacing and the importance of vaccination.

Q: Is a diverse parliament a Good Thing?
A: Depends whether competence is cancelled in favour of box ticking. We're thinking about D. 'Abacus' Abbott, who has been failing to distinguish herself in (mock) ministerial jobs since 1988.
“In fact, pretending that a white, male MP is unable to represent females and members of other ethnic groups is just the sort of casual sexism & rachelism the diversity movement is promoting in the name of getting rid of it.” R. U. Screwing

There’s gratitude for you—how Bristol treats its benefactors

How did a Nepal variant of the Chinese plague get all around the world? It was spread by the mountain climbers who have been trekking up to the top of Mount Everest in record numbers recently.

The world's financial experts are claiming that Amazon will be able to avoid paying the Tech Giant Tax. But is it too much to hope for those same Xperts to come up with a way to prevent this from happening? Or is their expertise just a hollow sham?

US Pres. Joke Bidet is poking his nose into the affairs of Ulster again. He needs a severe biff on it to discourage future interference.

A body from Roman times is found when builders are doing a home extension in Rutland. The body looks like it was thrown into a ditch and there were iron manacles on the ankles. Some evil and vicious criminal who was parked after receiving his just deserts?
   The Xperts, bless them, are busy confecting a sad tale about a slave who was given a horrible life and discarded like a piece of trash. 'Evidence-based' seems to mean whatever is most convenient to the wonkism of the moment.

We are told that there is division in the ranks of the nation's plague boffins over unlocking on June 21st.
   No sugar, Shirley. Everyone else in the world would fall over in amazement if there wasn't division, given the ability of so-called experts to reach diametrically opposed conclusions based on the same data and their personal (often self-promotional) agendas.

Grrrrr!
There's a partial solar eclipse this morning, so what do we get?
   A look at the sun early on.
Cloud.
   More bloody cloud.

Some mug has paid 13 grand for a certificate of authenticity for a 'work of art' that doesn't exist.
“Recalls that comment someone made about money for old rope without having to supply any rope.” D. Hedge-Grower

The cuts in the UK aid budget in these plague-ravaged times are a worry to Yemen, we are told. But the solution to all the worries over there is in their own hands—stop wasting all your cash on guns 'n' bombs 'n' bullets and civil war, and you might have somewhere to live that isn't a shitehole.

The threat of a vast, ancient population is being mitigated somewhat by the vegan cult. It is producing children who are smaller and less robust than those receiving an omnivore diet, and they are not expected to live as long.

The gorbal warmage fraudsters are unconsolable. They are unable to find a way to blame the 'uman race for an unexplained mass extinction of sharks 19 million years ago, when stocks of all species fell by 90%.

Momentum is gathering for applying the axe to the heads of the English Cricket Board for lack of common sense and absence of basic man management skills for suspending a rising star bowler over ancient stuff, which he posted on auntie-social meeja a decade ago.
   At least half a dozen players are also being scrutinized [or screwed over. Ed.] by the confection process.
“Bang, splat have gone the rising star's hopes of an O.B.E., then?” Ma Shlart
“He might get an Oh, Bloody 'Ell.” Yehl O'Roza
“The ECB is going to end up history if it manages to confect something against every eligible player and it can't field a team to face other countries.” Gol Darn
Also facing the chop is the captain of the HMC Valiant for hoovering up illegal migrants on the French side of the Channel and giving them a free ferry ride to England in direct violation of Home Office policy.
“Knowing the way things operate, the skipper of the Valiant is likely to end up an admiral with a chestful of medals.” Furz Ackerley

M. BashedEar's picture is to be removed from his university's wall of fame gallery because his image is claiming too much attention among portraits which the average person would fail to identify, or respond to even if they were told the subject's name.

The gangs of police @ the G-7 jamboree in Cornwall are particularly worried about a serious threat to their surveillance drones—seagulls with attitude, which don't like aerial competition and are prepared to take hostile action against it.

Evidence released by the Pentagonians suggests that there is no obvious Earthly origin for about 120 of its collection of UFO pix. Which suggests that if they were flying saucers containing alien visitors, the occupants had a look around, decided they didn't like what they saw and buggered off, never to return.

FakeBuk is sucking up to the Democraps by extending President Trump's ban on using it to a couple of years. The FakeBuk business model & its data dodginess are coming under increasingly unfavourable scrutiny and any help Pres. Sleepy Joe is minded to offer would, no doubt, be more than welcome.

Definition For Today: epoxy resin
   Not very good repair filler bought online.

“'Yoga shrinks brain areas', the Daily Mail told me. That's a really wonderful incentive to do it! Not.” Bro Ken

Q: What do you get if you go biking in the Peak District with a video camera mounted on your cycling helmet?
A: Swooped on by a daft buzzard, which can't tell a camera from a mobile rodent.

“Falls over in amazement! I actually got a look at the partially eclipsed Sun yesterday morning at around 11:30. The Moon was doing its bite at the top of the solar disc and chomped to about a quarter of the way down.” Harry Zontal

“It was sunny @ 8:45 when my cat decided she was going out. Eclipse viewer standing by. 'For Direct Solar Viewing' on the front, 'DO NOT use after Aug 12 1999' on the back. Bollocks to that.
   “Bollocks also to the horizon to horizon clouds that marched in, some white, some black to meet diversity requirements.
   “As the eclipse maximum of 11:30 approached, Romiley Astronomical Group got tough with the clouds. Several blasts with the Super-Zapper™ laser gave us half a dozen brief glimpses of a complete solar disc with a bite out of the top.
[see solar viewer image right]
   “Spotted 'DO NOT use continuously for more than three minutes' in the viewer instructions. Ha! 10 seconds was good going. Then it was back to total cloud cover.
   “Blue sky starting to appear in the west as noon approached and strong winds had blown the clouds clear of the Sun by ten past, in time for us to see a tiny bite out of the top left of the solar disc.” A.L.M.

“What is it that the wonky inmates @ Oxo U. have against colonialism and H.M. The Queen? Do they resent the way our ancestors brought civilization and Britisch values to the rest of the world?
   “Do they feel deprived of a sense of superiority, which they would have been able to enjoy if our meddling ancestors had left the rest of the world full of uneducated savages?
   “What a bunch of miserable gits they are.” Lauren Orda

Garden SHEDs Are Now Luxuries!
World timber prices are soaring—they have doubled as Yanks are rushing to buy up
every last scrap of the stuff!
Get your shed NOW! whilst stocks last
Self-build or pre-built options
Romiley Timber, 27 Riverside Drive

Q: Do the wonks @ Amazon have a brain cell between them?
A: Not if they insist on pensioners showing a photo ID document to prove that they are over 18 before Amazon delivery drivers will hand over booze.

Blast From The Past:
Back in the autumn of 2004, people were realizing that the Scottish Parliament brought to them by Tony B. Liar & Co. was Scotland's Millennium Dome—way over budget and a total shambles on the administration side.

The World Health Organization scam to conceal where variants of the Chinese plague were first spotted ain't working. The BBC uses the WHO Greek letters, then lets the cat out of the bag by telling us things like the Delta variant was first discovered in India.

“Why does the Daily Mail keep quoting stuff that disgraced former prime monster Tony B. Liar wants done on issues like allowing 'free from virus checks' international travel? Is this diversity in action? The views of the contemptible being of the same value as those of decent people?” Fran Tastiq

The staff of Apple in California have decided that they don't want to go back to working in the company's offices come September. They think office work doesn't promote diversity & inclusion as effectively as shirking @ home.

Australia is being overrun by a plague of mice, which are eating crops—and one another when the veggie diet runs out. They are also nibbling humans in their homes and also in hospitals.
   Natch, Britain is getting the blame for stocking Oz with humans, who have provided all the food that allowed the explosion in the imported mouse population to happen. And, of course, it was the Brits who did the importing with their rodent-ridden ships.

Former prime monster TheRazor May is trashing her reputation further by doing a Ted Heath-style sulk and opposing President Boris at every turn.
   As long as it doesn't interfere with her £100K-a-pop video lectures business, one assumes.

Booing England's footballers when they bend the Knee of Shame is the new normal. TV companies are now worried about boycotts of matches featuring teams which take the Knee of Shame in the upcoming Euros tournament and loss of advertising revenue.
England's team is now in the same box as the Labour party. The present incarnation has nothing in common with the country's traditional supporters.

The reason why the Church of England is heading for extinction has been explained. The ordained members; vicars, bishops & beyond; think like looney left theGrauniad readers but the lay members think like the normal people who read the Daily Mail.
   Other news organs are outraged by this lack of diversity and inclusivity, and especially by their non-inclusion in the analogy.

The Al Jazeera network has been under attack for the last week by BGs, who are trying to silence it. No guesses needed as to their identity and something more vigorous than Al Jazeera's threats of legal action is needed as a response.

The FA is upset because it is getting FA in the way of support from President Boris & the government for its campaign of offering the Knee of Shame in support of BLAME Bunchers, who want to abolish the police to make life easier for criminals.
   Same with the gang in charge of pro cricket and confecting outrage on the basis of past daftness.

It has taken until this week for the head of the police trade union for England & Wales to realize that cramming a G-7 jamboree featuring the world's top political bods into a small Cornish village is a bonkers idea. Where has he been while now? On holiday?

“Is England's cricket team getting booed for its wonkist ban on O. Robinson? Never watch it, myself.” Budget Wasp
[Same for everyone I asked. Ed.]

Q: We know what a prostitute does, but what's the job description of an antistitute?
A: Anyone? And one for amstitute, too, which should be easier.
[Those offering examples of people considered to be amstitutes should bear in mind that there are savage libel laws in this country. Ed.]

Mr. J.B. Zos, the owner of the megamonster Amazon, will be taking a jaunt 60 miles up into the air next month. He'll be doing it on July 20th, the 52nd anniversary of the Moon landing by the Apollo 11 crew. [Well, some of them. Ed.]
   The whole 'edge of space' experience is expected to last just 11 minutes. One estimate puts the cost of the jaunt @ $15,000 per second, which sound almost reasonable for someone who is a zillionaire.
   His jaunt is seen as a gesture of triumph aimed at the other zillionaires who are hoping to make even more cash out of space tourism but are finding the going a real struggle thanks to exploding rockets. That's the likes of the Britisch pickle magnate R. Branston and American perfumier E. Musque.
“I noticed that a newspaper pic of the launch vehicle plus passenger capsule didn't have a launch escape tower on top of the capsule. NASA considered this a vital accessory for its manned launches to allow astronauts to be flown to safety in the event of a catastrophe on the launch pad. Is Mr. Zos that confident that his rig will work? Or just not bothered about surviving if his launch is a monumental and explosive flop?” Tak Tickle

“If displaying pictures of The Queen is now banned to avoid reminding foreigners, especially vexatious Yanks, that they're in Britain, is the Untied States going to have to ban all those American flags, which are everywhere, to avoid giving offence to visitors from other lands?” Ritt Norf

Q: If Prince Hairy takes 20 weeks' paternity leave, will anyone notice?
A: Only if he refrains from online griping for those 20 weeks.
“Maybe he can spend the time pondering whether he actually is any use to man or beast in his present incarnation.” Hella Nacelle

To knee or not to knee? Deferably not to
Why are the administrators of professional sports so worried about fans booing players who do the Knee of Shame in support of abolishing the police to make life easier for criminals?
   Could it be that they are worried about the protests upsetting their paymasters, the online gambling companies, who will get the hump big time if their customer base shrinks because people are not watching matches and not being exposed to the torrent of pro-gambling advertising?

Providing divorce on demand has been kicked into the long grass for at least 6 months. The Min. of Justice was supposed to deliver it this autumn but it can't get the website to work.

Nominations are now being accepted for this year's award to the person who did their level best to put the 'git' into agitator.

“Are we really expected to observe Parents Who Have Not Given Birth's Day instead of Father's Day next week?” Dev Radget
“All this emphasis on giving birth is unfair & divisive unless we have a People Who Are Not Parents Yet But Could Be's Day.” Sirk Reepy
“J'ack Hughes! You just have to work in the greetings card industry.” Beau Nafides
“Not currently but I'm open to offers.” Sirk Reepy

Those People are mightily MPD because booing sports professionals who take the Knee of Shame is a 'uman bluddy right and there is nowt they can do about it.

Q: Would I be sued if I suggested that Prince Hairy's missus should be renamed Mooghan as she's a bit of a cow?
A: Deferably!

Blast from the past:
In October of 2004, the new Commish of the Metropolitan police, I. Bliar (no relation to T.B.), was planning to apply a new era of political correctitude to the police. And also the philosophy "White Isn't Right On" as a forerunner of the current 'Anti-white rachelism is okay' campaign. More evidence of exactly when the rot set in.

France has gobbled €220 MILLION out of Gooble as a fine for anti-competitive tactics in its own favour in the Gooble marketplace.

Just a vindictive air-head
Wee Burney Sturgeon thought it would be a good idea to ban an English cruise ship on a trip round the Britisch Isles from docking @ Greenock to pick up Scottish passengers on spurious plague-spreading grounds.
   She chose to ignore the fact that most of the other passengers are innoculated pensioners. And there is no ban on people going to Scotland on a train or by road. Which is how the Scottish passengers had to travel in the opposite direction to get to Liverpool to join the cruise.

“When Pres. Sleepy Joe talks about 'Mr. Poodn of Russia', is he trying to put down Putin the Poisoner? Or is that just over-interpretation?” Joe King
[Prolly. Ed.]

+ + + EFU confecting 'sausage war' with UK by seeking to ban sales of mainland meat products in Northern Ireland + + + EFU position totally bonquers, sez Pres. Boris + + + No sugar, Shirley, wot else would it be? sez everyone else + + +

Restoring foreign aid to the previous level of £14 BILLION per year will require a tax rise equivalent to 1p on income tax. All those willing to cough up the bit extra are invited to contact HMRC. And then we'll see how serious the opinion level on this really is.

Blaming last Tuesday's internet crash on one customer—unnamed—of the firm that fell over sounds like a contender for the 'What's the silliest story we can concoct?' award for 2021.

Q: Is it possible to consider a woman who has more than 366 pairs of shoes as anything other than a weirdo?
A: Nope.

The way things are
Sacked for telling the boss you were in bed and too sick to work but you were spotted boozing & smoking in a pub even though smoking aggravates your medical condition? Sacked for being caught at it several times?
   Don't worry. There will always be a judge who will claim that you were unfairly dismissed and entitled to compenbloodysation.

Wisden, the former cricketing bible, has been cancelled for confecting outrage against cricketers by giving a wonk the job of trawling through antique auntie-social meeja posts for daftness & youthful indiscretions.

Sir Kreepy Steamer has achieved popularity-rating parity with Labour hero O.J. Corbynstein. Both hit a rate of -29 after 14 months in the job of Labour figurehead. And the only way on from here is downwards.

+ + + Ungrammatical book for kiddies by Mhegan the Merciless biffed by critics + + +

President Bidet is keen to encourage the myth of a special relationship between the Untied States and us which puts the Yew Kay firmly in the passenger seat. This is the same 'special' relationship that involved Vice-Pres. B. Liar dragging us into Pres. Dubya Bush's illegal war in Iraq.

“The government is banning halogen and fluorescent light bulbs; well, the sale of them for a start; as part of the Green Swindle.
   “I still have some incandescent bulbs with a filament, which are great for an instant, bright light when needed. I also have stocks of CFLs bought for 10p in the local supermarket when they were on sale cheaply to take some of the sting out of banning incandescents.
   “What do I do now? Hang on and see if my bulbs become collector's items? Or hand them over to a museum.” Formy Kasid
[Offering them as an imaginary work of art might work. Ed.]

Q: Is it cowardly for a lion in Kenya to climb up a tree to escape being trampled by a gang of buffaloes?
A: Sensible and survival-positive would be a better and less silly explanation.

Today's observation: offcology—what the Chinese plague did to cancer treatment.

“Who needs the East German Stasi when we have every wonk & troll mining auntie-social meeja to confect hate crimes?” Labi Rinth

“The Invisible Man could never buy a non-fungible 'work of art'. The spiv wouldn't be able to see the mug coming.” Semi Lina

“The Prime Monster and the Home Sec. can talk as tough as they like, but if members of the Border Farce can go into French waters to hoover up unwelcome guests without being sacked, it's all rather pointless.” Rev O'Lting

The spirit of New Labour lives on
When Public Health Scotland does an inquiry, such as into the policy of dumping plague-carrying customers out of hospitals and into care homes, PHS doesn't have to do an honest job.
   Why? Because in its rule book is a requirement to prevent sustained or widespread criticism of the Scittish Government! As a result, the truth may be filed & forgotten and no one will be sacked.

“The thing about all this confection about colonialism is the sheer hypocrisy & ingratitude of it all. We get gangs of Africans, whose ancestors made a bomb out of selling their fellow Africans as slaves, coming here on scholarships offered by British benefactors and sounding off about how dreadful the Britisch are.
   “That's the same Britisch who brought civilization to their backwaters and who continue to shower them with our wealth while they fight their endless civil wars.
   “Foreigners have got one hell of a lot to apologize for. And the cheek to pretend they haven't.” Troy Angular
“Especially the Yanks who come here and have the cheek to take a pop at us.” Lin O'Leum

Public Service Announcement He's been called the Blogger of the Decade His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

WEEK 3

 
Today's Topic: How does a cryptocurrency differ from a kleptocurrency? Discuss.

“Which genius came up with the idea of sticking England's cricketers in T-shirts with the slogan Moment of Unity? Which invites the assumption that when the brief moment is over, it's back to disunity, as usual.” Day Munill

The British Board of Film Censors has decided that because rude & crude language is a normal part of daily life now, then just about anything goes in films that will be seen by kiddies. Thus cartoon characters f-ing and blinding is set to become the New Normal.
   Hoo-bloody-ray!

Where President Boris went wrong @ the G-7
Building a Better World ain't going to happen if everything has to be gender balanced and diverse. Finding out who can do the job and who's up for it is the only way to get better.
   Diluting Talent & Ability with pillocracy correctness is a recipe for Complacency & Shambles @ the lowest common denominator.

“What we need now is a New Era of Reality, in which the rest of the world stops sticking its hands into the pockets of the British taxpayer and starts pulling its weight. British taxpayers should be allowed to enjoy the full benefit of their efforts for a while. It would only be fair.
   “We have shed the spongers of the EFU. It is time we did the same with the rest of the world and let them know that they need to shape up. We don't owe them anything. On the contrary, they owe us a huge debt of gratitude.
   “A period of showing some genuine appreciation would be nice.” 4 Midable

Oxford U. used to be the Bee's Knees. Now, it's the Pits. Sic transit and all that.
“The daftest idea about the Oriel College statue of the African civilizer C. Rhodes has to be that it should be turned round to face the wall. Thanks to sculptor A. Gormless for that.” Shoot McGoot
“Turned round to say what? 'Now all you cancellers can kiss my arse'?” Cas Tigate

There has been a new addition to the TV news channels since 8 p.m on Sunday—GB News. It seems to be strong on talking heads and not that bothered about doing news round-ups. And there are adverts to pay for it.
“No surprise that the Bollocks Broadchasing Company is being accused of a petty attempt to sabotage the new channel by trying to exclude it from access to the sharing system for coverage of major events.” Youse Huck

Illegals crossing the Channel from France have a plague rate 20x greater than that in England. A big thanks to the Border Farce for inflicting them on us.
The above turns out to be fake news from the Border Farce trade union. According to the Home Office, no illegals tested positive last month or so far this month.

The wheels are off for Desperate Dom. He has failed to offer any evidence to back up his slagging off of Health Sec. Hancock's Half Hour and a judge has ruled that giving his pals government contracts worth half a million quid was unlawful.
But, in fact, this judgement is no big deal as it's based on a judgely decision that there cudda maybe might possibly have been a perception of bias rather than anything solid and 'You're nicked!'-worthy.
Worse, actually awarding the contracts was nothing to do with Desperate Dom, which makes his knowing the recipients irrelevant. Thus there has to be a 'no harm, no foul ruling' on that one in view of the zero relevance to the real world.

“Under what law did French police 'seize' a copy of Mein Kampf from the home of a bloke who had the good taste to smack Pres. MacRon in the mush? Fascists R Us, or what!” Asian Steak

The Spanish football team will be booed as vigorously as England's if they take the Knee of Shame at any of their matches, and supporters are being encouraged to switch their TV off if they do.

If you wear headphones @ your workplace, listen to music all day and make it impossible for your colleagues to communicate with you, you will be able to find a judge who will say that's okay and your employer can't tell you to pack it in.

Thought For The Day: Just because a remark by someone you've heard was recorded by a biographer, that doesn't make it wisdom.

“If universities which used to be in the top rank, e.g. Oxford, are turning out stoopid idiots, you have to wonder about the quality of the admission/selection process. And also that of the teaching.” Aki Leesheel

The Taishan nuclear plant in the south of China has been leaking radioactive gas for the past two weeks.
No need to worry, sez the govt., which is thousands of miles to the north.
Nothing to see. Move along, please.
Just don't go anywhere near Hong Kong, Macau and Guangzhou.

Boooooo!
President Boris has gone soft on booing the Knee of Shame.
   Shame on you, BoJo!
Here's a Knee of Defiance for your goolies.

Q: Why do we spend 3x more on defence than on overseas aid?
A: Because the Ministry of Defence wonks who blow cash on tanks, aircraft and ships that don't work are 3x more useless than the F.O. and other wonks who give aid cash to dictators and other thieving crooks. Especially the dickheads who don't get the simple fact that no country with its own space programme qualifies for aid. Ever.

In December 2004, the global warming fraudsters were predicting that Mount Snowdon would be completely free of snow by 2013 and would have to be given a new name excluding 'snow' to avoid falling foul of the Trade Descriptions Act.
   To no one's surprise, this has turned out to be total warmage bollocks.

It's rather curious that the Daily Mail keeps wheeling out D. Blunkett as some sort of elder statesman when this is a bloke who was sacked from the job of Home Sec. for abuse of office and abuse of his expenses.

When the rot set in continued: Back in 2005, Ofsted, the schools inspectorate, was complaining that nursery schools were wasting too much time teaching kids to do sums and write their names instead of how to explore their feelings.

BFN would like to revive its meaningless political slogan from 2005:

Britain: REMUGIENT not HAMATE!

[This dates back to the time when the New Labour morons @ the Home Office realized that they had blown millions of pounds of taxpayers' money on making criminals apologize to their victims in the mistaken belief that a 'repentant' criminal will lead a virtuous life. Didn't work, of course, but no one got the sack for abuse of tax revenue. Ed.]

“'Britain to give the world 100 million doses of the Chinese plague vaccine', said the headline. But what will we get in return? The usual ingratitude and earache and complaints that it's not enuff. I don't know why we bother.” Com Plaint

There is a German bloke who would have us believe that trees can see & hear things, they have a sense of smell and they have the capacity to feel pain.
   Which leads to the obvious question of why big, immobile objects would need any of the above.
   Why would a tree want to hear and see and smell a forest fire coming, and feel the pain of being burnt to the ground? Where is the evolutionary advantage in it?
“It's probably an offshoot of this concept of The Planet being in peril due to biodiversity loss, which is as big a con job as any piece of pseudo-science. The Planet's records show dramatic changes over the last few billion years and species being wiped out and replaced by new ones over and over again. Like mammals replacing dinosaurs.
   “What sort of a wonk do you have to be to think this process has suddenly come to a stop? That species only die out now and no new ones are created?” Al Bertall
“Trying to applying brakes to a dynamic system without understanding it is always not going to work and all it will succeed in doing is shove taxpayers' money into the pockets of politicians and other effing spivs.” Finn Ganails

Just pathetically lame
The Scottish government has received a torrent of derision over its claim that historic buildings are being closed because of climate change rather than its failure to maintain the fabric of the buildings to prevent bitz from dropping off to the peril of visitors.
   Looks like English taxpayers are going to have to dig deep again if anything is to be done.

We will not be cowed by the international hostile actors of the EFU.
No effin way!
We have a special relationship with the Untied States and they don't.

“You have to be pretty desperate for a whinge to accuse President Boris of hypocrisy for holding a barbeque for the other six of the G-7 when people can't have hundreds of guests @ weddings rather than just 30. Apples ain't oranges? Completely different things ain't the same? Well, that's dreadful!” Finn Galskave

“Does anyone really care if Gordon F. Broon blasts something? He proved beyond a shadow of doubt that he knows nowt about owt during the New Labour Disaster.” Lina Site

1. Pres. MacRon of France is confecting his share of the EFU's sausage war with the UK as part of his survival strategy in a country where he is deeply unpopular. His big problem is that he doesn't have access to the tanks & stooges available to the likes of Putin the Poisoner & Mr. Lukashmachineko to keep him in office for the next twenty years.
2. President Boris is more popular in France than Pres. MacRon. It's true! It's damn true!

Q: How do you make a profit out of six quid for a pair of specs?
A: Allow a quid for the frame, another quid for two lenses and add on postage. Then do the maths.

Football teams shouldn't pick players with a heart condition that makes them collapsible for international or other matches. It's as simple as that.

“Maybe we should pretend to be out whenever the EFU phones to do a whinge. At least until they get some grown-ups in positions of responsibility.” Tone Ails

55% of Germans think the EFU's burrocraps are a waste of space after the EFU's miserable attempt at creating a vaccination programme.

Ministry of Defence wonks up—allows Army personnel to phone in sick if they fancy a day off from training.
   No obligation to report to the M.O. for a check-up.
   Self-certification now rulz.
This is something predicted in the 1983 Monty Python film The Meaning of Life. No one is laughing now.

Professor S. Michie of London U., SAGE and the UK communist party think face masks, safe spacing & Skiving From Home should remain in place forever as they reduce the impact of flu and other viruses as well as that of the Chinese plague.

Thanks to strenuous confection efforts by the nation's police farces, the proportion of white people arrested for terrorism offences, real and imaginary, has been elevated to 53% of those busted.

“It has been suggested that the only reason why J. Biden (Democrap) said he was supporting the UK during the 1980s Falklands War was that the Repubelicans weren't—i.e. it was just the usual BS of the politics of opposition.” Diri Ghent

“Why should we be obliged to rewrite our history for the sake of vexatious foreigners and wonks? If they don't like the history that goes with Great Britain, they are free to bugger off to somewhere else with a history that suits them. Always assuming they'll be made welcome and not told to bugger further off to someplace else by their intended hosts.” Newl Haver

Yesterday's scam call came from 02087 692 270. Some bloke with an Indian accent was trying to tell us we weren't getting the proper internet speed, but he could fix that. We told him we don't use the internet, which stopped him dead in his scammer tracks.

"It's only live once" — Formula One slogan
"You Only Live Twice" — James Bond film
Anyone want to go for three?
“Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, twice bitten, thrice shy.” 40 Fied
[Not exactly pithy. Ed.]

Attempts to pack the permitted audience for England's Euros football matches with stooges seem to be failing. The Boo! Birds can still make themselves heard when the wonks on the pitch do the Knee of Shame.

“Not thinking things through completely can be a huge problem. Take the case of the new TV channel GB News. With its talking heads format, it should really be called GB Views. But I suppose it's too late to change things now.” Zip Gorn

Scotland's football team didn't do the Knee of Shame before being clobbered two-nil by the Czech Republic. But they will do it when they play England. Which demonstrates a sincerity level of zero and that it is, in fact, just a pantomime gesture, which has become a load of bollocks.

Q: If you're on the patio of the Sedgefield Country Club in North Carolina, having a meal, what do you need to avoid?
A: Being side-swiped (non-fatally) by a descending bullet, which some idiot fired into the air some distance away.

“You do realize that if I choose to take the default position that you are an idiot unless you can prove otherwise, and you challenge that, you are abusing my 'uman bluddy rights, making me entitled to sue you for compenbloodysation?
   “That's something to drop on wonks when they get uppity.” Arne O'ldator

Q: Will any of the members of the institutionally corrupt & cover-up Metropolitan Police Farce lose the gongs & damehoods they collected for alleged meritorious service to the nation?
A: Not in this universe, they won't.

UK not guilty
Blaming the death of the small child of an invading migrant family on Britain is an insult which shames the person who makes the accusation, not the British people, who didn't invite this family to sneak across the Channel and drown on the way. They did it. Their responsibility is 100%.

Isle of Man, Queen Elizabeth II Birthday 95, 50p commemorative coins
£9.24 each, £37.74 for display pack of 6 different designs
Is this a bargain or is this a bargain!!

“We seem to be in the clutches of a generation of Drama Queens, who are going round yelling that the sky is going to fall. And when it doesn't, that won't be because it was never going to happen, it will be their Big Success, for which the Little People will have to be suitably and mightily grateful.” Eric Bevaried

To all the people who think they have a divine right to tell the rest of us what to do—kindly remember that we have a 'uman bluddy right to tell you to F.O.A.D.

“Maybe England's football team didn't get the chance to have breaks for cool drinks during their sweltering opening match against Croatia as a punishment for doing the KoS in support of Luddites & criminals.” Lidia Dustbin

A month's rain in a day on Friday 18th in some parts of southern England. A bullet dodged Up North in Romiley!

+ + + GB News advertising hit by vicious cancel culture hate campaign + + + Accusations of being 'a distributor of hate' libellous? + + + More pay days for legal trade to come? + + +

Institutionally O.T.T.?
The Met is off the hook, maybe? The investigation into the failure to investigate the murder of private eye D. Morgan 34 years ago is calling London's police farce institutionally corrupt. But it is being equated with the investigation of the sloppy investigation of the murder of S. Lawrence, which found the Met institutionally racialist.
   As the latter charge has been diluted by the current view that it was over the top, could this latest shock-horror be heading for the same outcome in a decade or two?
The Met is 'currently' rather than 'historically' corrupt and more concerned with creating a sham image of infallibility than with solving crimes & rooting out corruption within its ranks. The CPS also gets a kicking from the latest inquiry. Dick to lose her damehood and Sir Kreepy to lose his K?

Q: What is wrong with the following sentence?
   "Going vegan can make a big difference to saving The Planet."
A: The Planet is not affected by the creatures scuttling about on its surface and the statement is bollocks because The Planet doesn't need saving. Even from vegans & other weirdos.

The Anyone But Ne10yahoo lobby is currently triumphant in Israel's parliament. But it probably won't last too long.

Balance Achieved!
England v Scotland, the BIG Euros match
England booed on the field for doing the KoS before the event
Goalless draw. Bollocks.
England booed off the field for pathetic performance.
Also booed by Scots throughout for being English.
“What do you expect from a bunch of KoS wonks, who are more focussed on playing politics than concentrating on the job they're paid to do?” Jab Roni

Q: Is lock-in going to drive the entire arts industry into extinction?
A: This industry is doomed anyway. The Warmists are predicting massive floods everywhere in the near future, which means that no one will be able to travel to theatres & other arts events.
   Further, frequent violent storms will bring down all electricity pylons and wreck all windmills, which means no lighting, no online booking or online events and anyone in an unflooded area will be left unable to charge their electric car to go to a theatre which has managed to scrape together a few candles.

Today's Wisdom: When things go wrong, what we need is the someone who will put the 'ron' into pronto.

Moron of the Month: Lord Jones (Triv.-Dem.) for trying to blame the UK's entry in the Eurovision Tripefest getting nul points on Brexit Minister Lord Frost.

Spaceman Mr. B.E. Zos of Amazon fame has found a mug who's willing to cough up the best part of $30 million to occupy the third seat during a fun, 11-minute jaunt to the edge of space next month.

Oxford donuts who refuse to teach students from Oriel College, a Rhodes beneficiary, could be fined for breach of contract by the university and sued for compenbloodysation by the students involved.
“Sir Kreepy Steamer has biffed the Oxford dons over their Strike of Shame and cancellation of Oriel students. Is President Boris going to have to support the SoS to be politically opposite? Or will he be too busy finding excuses to keep us locked in to bother?” Unwoke Bloke

Schools, which have to give their history lessons some content rather than observing an hour's silence, are resorting to including poisonous left-wing propaganda under the pretext of discouraging right-wing views.
“We definitely need to give the Narzis a better deal and the commies a worse one in the interests of balance & diversity.” Evil Egor
Using Putin the Poisoner's tactic of locking up opponents has put Nicaragua's despot, D. Ortega, on course for Despot 4 Life status.
The Iranian regime is also following the Putin presidential plan of killing & gaoling the opposition.

“Egg on face time for any mug who paid 2 grand to watch the football teams of England & Scotland fail to put the ball in the net last Friday.” R. Noldator

Infungibilities R Us
Wide range of invisible/imaginary works of art available + + + Non space-consuming—fit as many as you like into the smallest enclosure
Prices start @ £1,887 but any hard currency accepted (not crypto)
Romiley Gallery, 111 Riverside Drive

How long is it going to take Desperate Dom to find a new hobby? Because he needs one desperately. He has dug his hole, the sides are collapsing in on him and no one is that interested in his shock-horror revelations any more.
   The bullets have been fired, they have bounced off their targets and it's still business as usual @ the Palace of Westmonster for the likes of President Boris & Mr. Hancock's Half Hour.

+ + + Euros football jamboree in crisis + + + posturing players and wasbeens snubbing & trashing sponsors + + + cash drying up in protest + + + posturers in danger of having to get proper job + + +

“The Home Sec. has told us that she is cool with people booing footballers when they do the Knee of Shame. But suddenly, her boss, President Boris, has done a U-ey on it and he's agin it.
   “Does that mean Sir Kreepy Steamer, who was anti-booing, is going to have to pretend he's in favour of it now to be in opposition to Boris the turncoat?” Broo Swain

How will the travel industry understanding the government's system for categorizing destinations abroad be of any help? They still won't be able to go to the dodgy places.

Tell ’em anything. If it’s daft enough, someone will believe it!
Hydrogen is claimed to be safer than liquid fuels like petrol & diesel because it doesn't form dangerous puddles on the ground when spilt.
   It just spreads invisibly throughout the local area, creating an odourless & undetectable explosive mixture when it has been diluted sufficiently with oxygen-containing air.
   When that happens, one small spark, maybe a very tiny static discharge, and KABOOM!
   Xtremely wonderfully safe.

More institutional incompetence
Former Tory MP H. Procter has baled out of the Met's investigation into how it tried & failed to stitch him up as part of a VIP child abuse ring.
   He announced that he has no confidence in the wonks doing the investigating when he opted out.
   Frankly, we're surprised that he stuck with them as long as he did.

Unlike President Trump, who believed that the Europeon members of NATO other than the UK should pay their way, President Creaky Joe is going to splurge the organization with cash from the pockets of American taxpayers to buy himself popularity. Let us hope Uncle Joe also pays our share.

The Bride of Daesh, the terrorist comforter S. Begum, seems to be turning into an American; certainly as far as her speech patterns go. Maybe Joe & Co. will take her coz we still don't want to.

“Don't you just wish that some wonk doing the KoS will find himself unable to get up again without the assistance of a crane or heavy-lifting gear?” Four Mation

EasyJet is moving planes from the UK to Germany to generate some profit from them in a reduced regulation zone. Which proves that spot of lateral thinking can be Xtremely effective in a time of crisis.

COVID PUFFERS
The meal of the moment!
They bring 'Fall in the Ocean' confidence

Fantasy realism?
What sort of idiot would pay £12 MILLION, or even more, for a portrait of fellow artist D. Hockney by L. Freud? Especially if it makes Mr. H. look like he's just been down't pit and he didn't bother washing his face when he emerged.

Q: Does an opinion that the portrait is a masterpiece have any value?
A: Not if it comes from someone involved in trying to flog it off for as much as possible.

The Metropolitan Police are going to review some charges against imprisoned G. Maxwell. To make them go away?
The New York prison system is reported to have been pumping raw sewage into Ms Maxwell's cell in an attempt to force compliance and confessions out of her.

This House believes we must rework history urgently—to remove all of the fake news & confection by the wonk tendency.

“Give the Knee of Shame a finger—or 2 if your prefer.” Badly B10ova

“What exactly are Marsman Musk's colonists going to do on Mars; other than struggle to exist; to make their relocation worthwhile?” 40 Chewed

Clonk a Wonk U kno it makes sense.

Q: What's the difference between owning a non-fungicidal token on something and owning the copyright?
A: In practice, not a lot. But giving something a fancy name is a spivvy device for jacking up the price.

The WHO is advocating a special international task force to prevent pregnant women everywhere from drinking alcohol. The international drinks industry has given the notion a firm thumbs down.

More meddling
The government's plan to make skiving @ home a 'uman bluddy right when things return to an approximation of normal is also getting the thumbs down.
   It will create a zombie Britain similar to things in the strike-ridden 1970s. Productivity will slump and the legal trade's vultures will make a fortune out of home shirkers claiming they were passed over for promotion in favour of someone who made the effort to be @ the workplace.
   Six Million jobs will be exported abroad, according to the Tony B. Liar Think Tank, and Britain will not thrive with Defeatism as the New Normal.
   You have been warned!

Thinking of visiting rural Scotland? Going by helicopter would be a good idea as the roads are chock-a-block with visitors from all over Britain, including Scotland's urban areas, and rural locals feel under siege by litter louts and mobile sewage factories.

Erupt, phut, retire
It's difficult to make out what Desperate Dom is trying to achieve—other than creating an illusion of having all the answers when everyone else doesn't.
   We all know that governments don't work. We all know that the heads of the civil service are very little cop and so full of themselves that they'd Xplode if they didn't wear a tight corset.
   We all know that getting rid of one set of wonks just puts either similar wonks in their place, or wonks with a different set of defects.
   We all know we're damned if we do and damned if we don't because we live in a Universe which hates us. Which Xplains why we have to share it with Desperate Dom.

WEEK 4

 
“It's quite fun to read last Friday's paper again and wade through the HUGE puff for the England-Scotland match @ Wembley. Especially knowing that the Match of the Century was a 0-0 damp squib.” Covid Cola
“England gifted Scotland a point @ Wembley out of UK solidarity because they're struggling. But did we get one word of thanks from Burney bloody Sturgeon? Joke.” Jury 4man

Q: Does Dockson of Dick Green have no shame?
A: She has made it abundantly clear that she is a klingon who has none at all.

The activities of the Stop Funding hate campaign have triggered a growing boycott of the brands which are claiming that GB News should not receive TV advertising because it is an antidote to wonks & the looney left.
Quite how this hate campaign squares with all the BS about inclusion & openness is rather a mystery if these worthies are Xcluding GB News and giving it the closed door treatment.
   Hypocrites R Us poison from the looney left? Their not-so-new normal?

The father of lateral thinking and guru in his own mind, E. de Bono, has died at the age of 88. As he was a Rhodes scholar, he now faces cancellation by the wonk tendency and a bonfire of all his books for his links with slavery.

In search of solutions
The Ministry of Transport is planning to increase the death rate on smart motorways by letting self-driving vehicles use them. This is seen as a contribution to the twin problems of over-population and making room for illegal immigrants.

Apparently, it is a crime against humanity for an MP to tell someone to get a job if they are a one-legged drug addict who is begging on a public highway.

Ordering routine restaurant food using a delivery service's crApp can make the cost up to 173% dearer than Cook It Yourself for a basic meal. Much more if you go for something really fancy like a chef's speciality.

34,065 years in gaol for drugged-up drivers!!! Impressive, or what!! Actually, not. It amounts to only an average of 6 months each for all of the 68,000 drugged drivers dragged to court and gaoled over the last 4 years.

The cost of going to a public concert venue, e.g. the Manchester Arena, is likely to double if the security upgrades against exploding Islamists recommended by the Saunders investigation are implemented.
   Thanks a bunch for that.

Lest we forget, Irish terrorists blew up Corporation Street in Manchester with a lorry bomb 25 years ago this month, leaving 200 people with 'horrifying' injuries from shattered plate glass window shrapnel.
   Something to remember when the Green Beer Mob and President Creaky Joe start pretending everything Irish is the bee's knees—coz they paid for the bomb.
“Is that fair?” A. V. Helpful Reader
[Was the £700 million it cost British taxpayers to fix the damage caused fair? Ed.]

The Narzis burnt books, the Catholic Church burnt people. But only the Narzis were cancelled. Is that fair?

Iran set two local records for presidential elections this month—the lowest ever turn-out and a highest ever spoilt ballot rate of 13%.
   No surprise that the favoured stooge; who was given the job 4 weeks ago by the Boss-4-Life, the Ayatollah Bunchacommies; won the rigged 'race' by a country mile.

The SNP is facing questions about where the cash donated to campaign for a second independence referendum has gone. Burney's Bunch promised that the £600,000 raised by activists would be ring-fenced. But there is only £96K in the bank.
“Sounds like it's time for Burney to do some Xtremely creative accounting!” Par Kinson

Today's ScAmazon call came from 01482 354 941. A wonky machine voice said your card has been charged £399. I wonder what they're sending!

The UK inflation rate is on course for reaching 4%, the Xperts reckon. Another crisis for the Bonk of England.

+ + + Ex-Commons Squeaker Bollocks to Berko joins Labour party + + + "No loss/Who gives a crap?" say Tories + + + "He's been on Labour's side for years" + + + Lack of elevation to Lords blamed on Bremoaning and always siding with Labour + + + Has Sir Kreepy offered Berko a peerage? + + +

The broadcasting regulator is going to change its name to Offsod in protest against the flood of frivolous complaints from looney left wonks when someone dares to express an opinion they don't like on GB Views.

Bunch of chancers
There is a move afoot to position the creatures which preceded dinosaurs as just as weird and really interesting. Cynics are saying that the dinojunkers' story that dinos have been done to death and it's time to hear about something fresh is just an attempt to create a new market for books & TV series.
The dinojunkers are also trying to position global warmage as the equivalent of the asteroid which didn't do for the dinosaurs—even if that makes warmage nothing to worry about!
“What sort of a drama queen thinks gorbal warmage is going to cause a mass Xtinction that will include 'umans? We're well over the border to certifiable there.” Ed &erson

Who cares who wins?
Greater Manchester's cosmetic mayor, Jonah Burnham, thinks he can boost his chances of succeeding Sir Kreepy Steamer as the Labour party's leader by picking fights with Wee Burney Sturgeon as a way of raising his profile. Desperation Corner, or what!

Q: Why can Scottish football fans invade England but Burney doesn't want people to travel from the North-West of England to Scotland?
A: Because Wee Burney Sturgeon is great at imposing illegal and unenforceable bans.

Dear Ask A Guru, The older I get, the more often I find myself resorting to the F-word and its variants to express my frustration with unco-operative & obstructive objects. Is there a lifetime quota on these words and am I in danger of suddenly finding myself unable to give adequate voice to my frustration? [Rejoice! The supply is sufficient to the need. the Guru]

Is there an effective size for the public sector? In England, the bloated Whitehall departments think they can do everything and don't talk to the others. As a result, there is major duplication of effort and massive waste of taxpayers' cash. In Scotland, everyone knows everyone else but the result is cronyism, incompetence and corruption on an epic scale.
   That old saw about you're not supposed to win seems inescapable.

What purpose will an apology from the Scottish government for forced adoptions 70-50 years ago serve? The people who ordered the kids to be grabbed are probably all dead by now and an apology won't fix the damage cause. And it will come from people who can pretend to be virtuous and it's something they would never do, and indulge in an orgy of self-preening.

Today's useful French phrase: Il est un ock de pill.

Boneheads using the same ‘me, me, me’ script
Bonehead Burney pretends she can get things done before the government in England to get noticed.
   Thus, if President Boris went on TV to announce that the world will come to an end at 9:10 p.m. tonight, Wee Burney would be off to her lectern to claim that she could make the world end in Scotland at five past the hour.
   Similarly, Jonah Burnham's 'notice me' tactic is to demand something he's never going to get then throw a major wobbly when he doesn't get it. Not because his customers are being short-changed but to further his campaign to become the next Labour leader because he has a sense of entitlement as big as all outdoors.
“Anything from either of them is as welcome as a wasp pizza.” Yapi Sosht

Talking about Labour, as we have been recently, the local Trivial-Democraps are steamed up because they are the largest party on Stockport council but the Tories have backed Labour to be in charge, not them.
   Could that be because we have all seen what a bog the Triv-Dems made of things in the past when in charge and the Tories have decided that even Labour won't make such a mess of things right now?
“Vote Tory and you don't get the Liberals? Sounds like a good deal for everyone.” Tak Tierem
“How typical of the TrivDems to throw their wobbly now, right after we've had some council elections and with no more in prospect for ages. Or do they expect us to rise up and demand re-runs of the elections in Stockport where they didn't win until we get it right? No wonder they're so keen on the EFU, where this is standard operating procedure.” Noted Carousel

Scotland's eviction from the Euros football tournament, despite a big helping hand from the unappreciated neighbours south of the border, is being viewed as yet another example of Wee Burney & the SNP promising the Earth and failing, yet again, to deliver the goods.

“Why is a report that one and a half million NHS operations were cancelled or delayed due to the Chinese plague 'damning'? Who is to be damned? The surgeons & other medical staff? Hospital administrators? The plague patients who took away the capacity to perform surgery as usual?
   “There's a plague rampant around the world and turning everything upside down. The operations weren't cancelled on a perverse whim and using 'damning' in this context is perverse. And also mind-blowingly stoopid.” D. Mented
“The only people in line for damnation are the death & doom doctors and statisticians, who used dodgy mathematical models & obsolete data to shut down things that didn't need to be.” Pust Lippa

Cheerful Charlie is back with more
The government's Chief Medical Gloomster is promising us a difficult winter. There will be new varieties of the Chinese plague, with new Greek letters, to contend with. Plus this year's different breed of the influenza virus.
   Worse, the chances of the two getting together are officially 'high' and we could end up with a choice of covid + flu or flu + covid—unless everyone stays @ home and goes nowhere beyond a 4-mile radius of where they live.
   If the nation fails to be virtuous and disciplined, the population of the UK next March is liable to be just 68% of the current level and all the cremations will have doubled gorbal warmage locally.
Estate agents are advised to despair as the housing market is expected to crash & burn next year. Householders will find themselves unable to give away properties out of the top flight to a severely reduced population.

Bandits in Action
Local councils have raked in fines to the tune of £1 MILLION for real & imagined violations of the plague regulations. As the cash grabbed does not have to be turned over to central government, there is a strong suspicion [a.k.a. racing certainty, Ed.] that crooked plague marshals are confecting opportunities to swindle the innocent and their employers are turning a blind eye for the sake of all the lovely cash coming their way.

The Stonewall protection racket has been rumbled by HM Government, which is in the process of cancelling its dips into the taxpayer's pocket. The same needs to be avoided with the Stop Funding hate campaign.
The Register of Shame for companies on the boycott list for supporting the SF hate campaign is growing with all the inevitability of a wave of the Chinese plague. Only there is no vaccine campaign to save the boycotters from self-inflicted o'blivion.
Those boycotters who think half a dozen commie trolls are real people & a threat are coming in for a wealth of derision as they parade the BS and wonkiness which they claim are their 'values'.
      Honor, Courage, Instability. Hooo-ra!

How can meeting a team mate who's been picked by a rival nation in the tunnel area @ Wembley stadium after a match be a hideous breach of plague rules? Especially if the trio have spent 90 minutes chasing one another around, and maybe knocking lumps off one another, on the pitch?
Predictably, the FA is in a buck-passing contest with Public Health England over the question of whether the players need to isolate. The current state of play is that English ones have to but Scottish players don't. Spit the bones out of that!

“Is it really five years since we voted to bin the EFU? And yet, it's dead claws are still ripping chunks out of our lives. Some escape.” Evil Egor

Q: Are the Tories worried about losing the occasional Blue Wall seat in Parliament to a Liberal protest vote?
A: Not if they can win Red Wall seats up north with a protest vote their way. And not if the protest against H2S goes to the Trivial Democrats, who are gagging for H2S.

“Do we really need the Daily Mail to Dig Up Princess Di every 25 years? Surely every 50 years would be quite sufficient.” Weakly Rageous

The sale of virgin & extra-virgin olive oil is to be banned in the EFU on diversity grounds. The industry is now in a frantic scramble for a more acceptable upper-echelon appellation.

A sale of 'lost' literary treasures, including handwritten efforts by Bronte sisters Emily & Charlotte, has been put on hold to determine whether the documents & books can be saved for the nation by confecting a slavery link & confiscation.

The unwatched, loss-making embarrassment that is Channel 4 is to be sold off by the government to eliminate its ongoing drain on the taxpayer.

Today's criminal offence: elevated assault—punching someone on a mountain

Q: What do you get if you play football against Scotland?
A: A chance to self-isolate if you have a get-together with team mates on the other side afterwards. [Unless you're Scottish. Ed.]

The head teacher of St Paul's Girls' School has abolished the position of head girl @ an all-girls school because it is an unwonk appellation. The derision level from former inmates of SPGS is officially 'high'.

One possible future
There could eventually be a certain snobism about not Shirking @ Home, which is fine for people doing number crunching, translations, reducing a mass of data to useful information using a set of rules and similar jobs, but not so much for creative people, who spark ideas off one another to make something faster, better or able to perform new functions.
   Thus working life may develop into a two-tier realm comprising a lower tier of people who are perceived to be doing hack work as they S@H and an upper crust of people who make a real difference.

Q: Is there something 'Orwellian' about Bloomsbury Books telling its employees they need to be vaccinated against the Chinese plague?
A: Not if they have the choice to remain unvaccinated and seek a job elsewhere.

Brain dead, jerking knee, BS
What exactly is the point of fining a failed NHS trust three-quarters of a million quid? That's £750K less to spend on looking after the customers. Which makes a whole lot of sense. Not.
   Sackings with no compensation and no references would have been appropriate for the architects of failure @ East Kent Hospitals. Maybe even a bit of gaol time. But a fine? Plus legal costs?

Zoos and safari parks are to be banned from importing elephants, which means that when the ones that are already here die off, elephants will become Xtinct in the UK. Bets are now being laid on whether this happens before or after elephants become Xtinct in Africa.

Think of an excuse
The legal beagles who are attempting to re-import the unwanted Bride of Daesh, S. Begum, are now claiming she 'might maybe possibly' have been trafficked to join the BGs in the Middle East and give terrorists aid & comfort.
   This story has been confected as an attempt to bamboozle the British authorities into accepting it as mitigation. Even though there hasn't been a hint of trafficking in the past. Which leaves us wondering just how dotty & old the appeal persons are. Sadly, not at all is probably too much to wish for.

Today's definition: HUTAgonians—people with their head so far up their own arse that they can't see another point of view. They live in the cracks in the pavement and come crawling out when they are least welcome in the real world.

The Daily Mail has revealed that Princess Di was the architect of her own demise! If she hadn't picked a fight with the government of the day over landmines, she would never have set in motion the chain of events that led to that fatal car crash in Paris.

Putin the Poisoner has been dismissed as a pathetic grandstander and posturer for shooting off some marine ammunition which had reached its sell-by date near a British destroyer in international waters in the Black Sea and calling it a naval exercise.

Letting thousands of unvaccinated UEFA & FIFA trough-scoffers & VIP plague spreaders into Britain for football matches next month without requiring them to serve a 10-day quarantine period cannot be justified.
“Thousands of Very Important Scoffers? Joke. And a really rotten one.” Fred Wok

To all newspaper editors: Please be advised that newspaper exclusives are to be banned as they breach inclusivity rules and promote division. Have a nice day—if that's still possible.

Fantasy City
The teenage Chancellor wants Pres. Boris to Xplain where all the cash for his megasplurge on Royal yachts, social care for the ancient, all the Green bollocks, H2S and all the rest will come from. Especially the BILLIONs to be splurged on the now pointless H2S scam.
   Best of luck with getting something sensible out of him, Mr. Snack!
“Someone needs to tell Pres. Boris that we can have EITHER bread OR circuses, but not both. And if no one gets bread, there will be no one left alive to go to the circuses.” Rudy Geico
“And we definitely shitely bloody well do not need H2 bloody S, Bugger Boris.” Para Lytic
“Or all the Green bollocks, which will cost The Earth and not bloody save it, given the insignificant amount of our emissions, etc.” Vigor Vitas

Paper wine bottles with a plastic liner instead of glass bottles to save The Planet from gorbal warmage? That will work.

“M. Rashford might be a saint off the pitch but how many goals has he scored for England recently?” Jonquin Sella

“If we're expected to believe that an 83-year-old bloke is a 30-year-old Danish prince and a woman 20 years his junior is his mum, where is the greater performance? On stage or in the ranks of the audience for the I. McKellen stab @ Hamlet by W. Shakespeare? (to give the author his due credit)” Marga Lunch
“Will Polonius still be stabbed in the arras? No matter how painful that sounds.” Al Most
“Let us hope the star actor's wheelchair doesn't have squeaky wheels.” Rachel Conformity

Resolution Corner
“If you object to being called 'you guys' by waiters, stop going to eateries. Problem solved.” J. Binglebush
“Anyone who is bothered by the stoopid announcements by the passenger service wonk on a train is advised to invest in earplugs or noise-cancelling headphones. Problem solved.” A. Reader
“Everyone called Berko is advised to FOAD. Problem solved.” Jake Gurn
“Everyone with a problem with the character of the children's author E. Blyton, and who wants to cancel her books because of it, is advised to FOAD. Problem solved.” Oliver Warm

Cull the competition
The EFU is to ban British hit TV shows because they are getting too much air time in the Eurozone, where the television on offer is fairly crap. Spurious diversity grounds are offered as the excuse. This shows up Europe's inadequacies of imagination, and highlights the failure of the EFU's management to inspire excellence and promote enuff creativity there.
   That's what is at the back of this latest EFU wobbly.
“Britain has culture, the EFU doesn't. So dig a big hole and hide in it. That's the Europeon way.” Blue Tempo
“How are they going to stop people from watching Britisch stuff on the internet?” Morag Vehicle

The List of Shame of the GB News advertising boycotters
and boycott fodder themselves:
Grolsch (Dutch beer)
Ikea
LV (insurance)
Kopparberg (cider)
Nivea
Octopus Energy
the Open University
Ovo Energy
Specsavers

We have seen an appalling parade of po-faced buffoons polluting our TVs with their demands that Health Sec. Hancock's Half Hour should quit.
   The rules need to be changed to require them to submit to a vigorous smack in the mush as the price for unloading their hypocrisy on the nation.
   Fair's fair, and all that.

Q: How serious was the crime committed by Hancock's Half Hour when he embraced a colleague, as revealed by CCTV trawled up by some nasty bastard?
A: No one died, no one ended up in hospital and the outrage is confected & bogus.
“It must have been quite a relief for former Health Sec. Hancock's Half Hour today. He was able to have a long lie-in knowing he is no longer going to have to pub up with being abused by po-faced gits all day long!” Hod Jarwheesht
“His alleged offence is just a barnacle in a cookie jar.” Rhode Bocke
“Putting a spy camera in a light fitting in a ministerial office is a crime under the Official Secrets Act. But nothing will be done about it. Which means that the government is going to end up have to get itself arrested for dereliction of duty. Wonderful.” Declan Afterburner

Due to new plague regulations and a major crash caused by a stoooopid spectator during the opening stage, the rest of this year's Autour de France will be held in a lorry park in Reims.

Anyone hoping to get into the Guinness Book of Records with the most persistent case of the Chinese plague is going to have to beat 300 days.

If you use a bad, bad, banned word during a training course to teach you what is and what isn't a bad word, you can sue for wrongful dismissal—and win—if your stoopid bloody borough council employer sacks you.

“Something Prince Hairy and Mazzer didn't spot when they turned down the title Earl of Dumbarton for their kid is that as well as 'dumb', it also contains 'bar', which could have led to the kid being cancelled by dumoxes like . . . well, Haz 'n' Maz.” Mustafa Riddle
“That particular ignorant wobble is going to make them really popular in Scotland!” Mypar Fect

Turn about
President Trump is enjoying mocking the US Democraps, especially the president-in-waiting K. Harris, for mocking him when he revealed that the Chinese plague came from China.
   Harris called revealing the truth 'raysist & xenophobic'. Which is just further confirmation that hack politicians will never let the truth get in the way of a good rant.
“In fact, the truth is of no consequence to Those People. Orwellian, or what!” Rachel Wrath
“More egg on the mush of Vice-Pres. Harrisment—After pretending it was just a Trump silly story, President Creaky Joe is being forced to confront the mountain of evidence that the Chinese plague escaped from that laboratory in Wuhan and it was brewed up there.” Hugo First
“I see former president Slick Willy Clinton (Democrap) is trying to claim that the cancel culture was started by Republicans before his lot embraced it big time. Which makes the Democraps copycats as well as contemptible.” Gury Raker

Q: Has D. Chauvin been stitched up?
A: No question. But like G. Floyd, he was the agent of his own misfortune. There's nothing in the police handbook about spending 9 minutes twatting about, kneeling on a prisoner's neck instead of bunging him into the back of a cop car and hauling him down the local nick. Just like there is nothing in the US Constitution about customers of color having a divine right to pass funny money in their local shops.
“$27 million creates a hell of a lot of prejudice.” Perry Stupnik
“Only 22 and a half years in gaol? 27 would have been more appropriate.” Mick Shaw
“22 and a half years is approximate. 27 would have been Xact.” Dai Gress

Q: Does it matter that one-third of motorists don't know the significance of a green numberplate?
A: Drivers should be assessing the hazards to navigation of neighbouring chunks of mobile machinery and dozy pedestrians, not wondering about what's under the bonnet of the machinery or what colour the numberplate is.

Free Britney with every 5 gallons.

hancock should be fired, blah, blah
Portrait of a woman going through the motions of political hypocrisy coz it's 'er job and not making much of a go of it: Labour party chair occupier A. Dodds.
“Who does she think she is? Desperate Dom?” Corona Selby
“She should definitely be fired herself for that dreadful performance. 0/10. Just prethetic.” Ang Back
“This is beerlocks and wibblederdash.” Kate Hiven

Scouse Status Symbol Scuppered
Liverpool's iconic waterfront is to lose its UNESCO awarded World Heritage status. The local council is planning to rip it down and rebuild, and the 'regeneration' plans are seen as on the same level as flattening the Great Wall of China or the Taj Mahal.

“It's perfectly okay for President Boris to make Xtravagant commitments on the warmage front as long as he never does anything toward meeting them, as he is doing at the moment.
   “Anything he promises will be less than a drop in the ocean and have zero measurable effect on The Planet's climate. Thus doing anything will be a total waste of time and taxpayers' cash.” Con Tralto

Q: What do you do if you're told that you are not good enough for the job at the end of probationary period?
A: Throw a wobbly, make spurious charges of sexism & harassment and demand compenbloodysation for being too crap to employ.

Yadder-da-yadder ineffectually
“When you think about it, you realize the Tories have pulled off a very shrewd bit of political manoeuvring. President Boris didn't sack his Health Sec. guy, tick the 'loyalty' box.
   “Hancock's Half Hour took himself out of the line of fire of the bile bucketeers for a while, tick the 'smart' and 'self-respect' boxes.
   “And the new guy, Vajid Javid, can play the 'not me, Gov' card in re everything that happened before he arrived on the scene. Tick the 'bulletproof' box.
   “Even better, if the usual suspects yammer on and on about when Boris should have sacked Hancock and for what, they're just ticking the 'twats' box.” Sim Bolic

Despair early, do it now!
The doomsters are at it again. A reduction in flu cases over the last few years has led to a fall in immunity in the population and that is going to come back and bite us this winter. Thus if you don't get the Chinese plague, you'll be knocked for six by flu.

Cowboy country
President Boris is giving the Ministry of Defence the job of splurging £200 MILLION on a new royal yacht. Which means that the eventual cost will be north of £500 MILLION by the time it's delivered—which will be sometime during the reign of the current Prince William's little lad.

Desperate (to be noticed) Dom has proclaimed that all political parties in the UK are rotten to the core. Tomorrow, he'll be telling us something else that everyone already knew. Thank you very much.

VP of the USA Harrisment is being accused of handing control of the estate of the late singer N. Simone (of colour) to white people instead of the family. Not a terribly diverse & unrachelist thing to do. But hey, Harrisment is a politician and they all think they're fireproof.

More goes around
Teachers @ schools which harangue white customers about white privilege and contribute to systematic neglect & abuse of white children, especially poor ones, could end up in court facing imprisonment at the worst or compensation claims at the very best.
   The Commons education committee is on the case of the lefty wonks who have been pursuing a poisonous anti-white agenda relentlessly and at every opportunity with no legal basis to their activities.

Marks & Sparks is pushing a line of G. Floyd diversity knickers. Sickening, or what!

Drinking coffee may prevent liver problems in later life. Or not.

Q: I keep getting an electric shock when I touch things. What should I do?
A: Stop touching things or get yourself earthed. Problem solved.

How Woke a Wonk can U B?
The Oxford U. students' union has appointed sensitivity consultants to make the image of the place even more ridiculous than it is currently by censoring everything which is likely to upset the most delicate of snoflakes.
   Their job is similar to that of the censors appointed by the Chinese government to be sensitive about the population of Hong Kong.

Reality is biting President Creaky Joe. His plan to splurge $4 TRILLION of other people's money on making himself popular has been pared down to under a trillion bucks and could even end up at a figure which the US Congress is prepared to swallow.
“How much popularity with 35 cents buy?” Gordi Gregious

The Politics of the Pointless
The head Cockney Plumber reckons that the government's scam to replace gas central heating in 25 million homes with an electric heat pump is ludicrously unachievable. It's also ludicrously unaffordable.
   It's also a complete waste of time, money & resources.
   Zero emissions from Britain will have zero effect on the Earth's climate, and what the UK does is not going to have any influence on the major emitters—China, India, Putinstan & empire, the US, etc.
“Binning domestic gas makes as much sense as giving someone with diabetes a haircut instead of insulin and claiming you've cured them.” Trace Crêpe

The British zoologist who tried to bin the suspicion that the Chinese plague escaped from the lab in Wuhan has been cancelled by his employer, the UN commission investigating the source of the plague.

Prince Hairy was lying when he claimed that his dad cut off his pocket money. On the contrary, Prince Chazzer continued to sub him, even after he buggered off abroad. Old Hairy still has to learn that you need to keep your gob firmly shut until you've made all the evidence that could sink you go away.

Strange that the newspaper strap-line "COMMENT by David Blunkett, former Education Secretary" doesn't include the revelation that he was sacked for abuse of his expenses and his position in government, and he's not, in fact, some wise elder statesman.
[No doubt due to space considerations; the lack of revelation. Ed.]

WEEK 5

 
Q: Why is it raining?
A: Because Bloody Wimbledon is back.

Very different strokes
The management @ the Peking branch of the Japanese tech firm Canon has informed the staff that the company's AI security system will not let them onto the premises if they are not smiling and looking really cheerful.
   The system will also refuse to let them book a room for a meeting if they fail to give the face scanner a big, toothy grin. Quite how the AI system copes with face masks remains a closely guarded secret.

British police officers are allowed to use proportionate force to defend themselves against a customer who is big, drugged up, violent and totally out of control, even if he is non-white.

Boffins @ Cambridge U. have concluded that animosity is its own reward, as far as anti-social meeja are concerned. The bigger, the more vile and the more disgusting the trolling, the greater the attention it gets.
   Anyone surprised by this? No?

Today's Thought: "They are not long, the days of wine and roses"—which seems to assume that they can be consumed in tandem only in winter.
“To cheer people up? Neat idea.” Count Ertenor

Instant Meals—the ULTIMATE convenience
Just add meat/fish/vegan, vegetables, herbs & spices
of your choice and cook using your favourite recipe.
Sheer perfection every time
Life doesn't get any easier.
Romiley Provender, 7b Riverside Drive

Deaths of cyclists in 2020 were up by 40% despite the much lower levels of traffic on the nation's roads thanks to the Chinese plague.
Conclusion—nutters on bikes are becoming more suicidal.

Busted Flush Scenario
War with Russia is impossibly. Putin the Poisoner & his cronies have stolen so much cash from the Russian military that their equipment is a heap of rusty junk. And the Europeon NATO countries have neglected their obligations for decades so that their kit is in the same state.
   Thus any war would have to be hand to hand combat with clubs. Something which today's snoflake soldiers would be totally unable to hack.

Woke Logic: Disgraced police officer B. Monk was a keen golfer in his teens. As a consequence of his conviction for manslaughter, everyone who has ever played gold will have to be cancelled.

The Pinkagon: HQ for fellow travellers, wokists, and other traitors & enemies of the Britisch way of life.

The Delta variant of the Chinese plague has been renamed Delta-Alpha to allow a variant from India's neighbour, Nepal, to be designated Delta-Beta rather than Delta+.

Highly Creative or A Decade of Deception
A Sarf Efrican woman, who posted pix of herself the size of a hippo on the interweb and claimed she was about to give birth to 10 offspring, is now in a booby hatch.
   The doctors announced that she has not been pregnant recently. Nor has she given birth recently. The whole thing seems to have been a creative way of scamming cash from her boyfriend.
“Speculation is rife about what she had stuffed up her frock to create the illusion of a 10x pregnancy.” Fred Twitter

The female spectator who caused that mega-crash during the first day of Autour de France is facing a year in gaol for her doziness. And then there are all the compensation claims to come from injured riders . . .

Upping the ante
Ofsted is upset by iggorant parents trying to rewrite a school's curriculum to suit their peculiar notions & prejudices—often with violence on offer at the school gates.
   The Education Sec.'s answer is to make noises about declaring anyone who has done an alternative curriculum to be unfit for higher education.
   So no skive @ uni for the offspring of wonks, furious Islamists, the anti-Britisch brigade, etc. Which will have a significant effect on reducing university wonkiness.

“A 'debate' on Twatter? Joke!” Jerry Mander

The Welsh National Anthem, Land of my Fathers, has been cancelled on sexism and Xclusion grounds.

The FA's answer to fans booing footballers doing the Knee of Shame in support of the criminal & anti-police communities is to play loud music into the microphones of radio & TV commentators up to the kick off to censor the disapproval. Broadcasting cheering on the PA system seems to be another wee trick. Anyone visiting aliens would think we're living in a colony from China or Putinstan.

The nation is somewhat grateful to Germany for fielding their B-Team to let England win one against them for the first time since 1966.
“Feels more like 1066.” L.G.R.

You have to wonder if it matters if the 'uman race goes Xtinct after reading that 10% of the Scots in a survey turned out to be scoffing powerful opioid painkillers prescribed by their GP. Are we really that wonky?

Yesterday's ScAmazon Prime subscription renewal phone call was a fairly decent quality recording from 0013127 870 953.

All teachers are to be required to produce a certificate of adequate hearing after one reported a Moslem kid to the anti-terror watchdog. The pretentious kid said he wanted to give alms to the needy. The teacher thought he said 'arms'.
“Not going to work unless schoolkids can produce a certificate to show they can speak English competently.” Byron Letter
[You wouldn't happen to be in the certification industry, by any chance? Ed.]
“Might be” Byron Letter

A populist historian reckons that the cause of every major disaster can be traced back to some jobsworth or burrocrat who screwed up, or to a purely natural catastrophe. The man at the top—the president, the minister, etc.—always gets the blame; but unfairly. The historian has a book to plug.

“Angular Mherkel trying to ban all Britisch tourists from everywhere in the EFU, vaccinated or not, shows just how much pain of rejection Brexit caused!” Vex Atious

Q: "We'll scrap 1M rule on July19" said the headline. But what exactly is the one-million rule?
A: We don't have the space to cover it adequately here, which is fortunate as we would probably lose the will to live before we got very far into it.

The perils of showing off for news-hacks with cameras!

The Π-rate for the Chinese plague is Xpected to reach 8.7 in London following the coming invasion of thousands of UEFA & FIFA plague-propagating freeloaders @ Euro 2020 events.

A pensioner who tested positive for the Chinese plague for a world record 305 days managed to shed 8½ stones whilst getting rid of the plague, and thus also freed himself from the perils of o'besity. Plague-free, he weighs only 10 stone now and he is in need of a completely new wardrobe.

Mobile phone service providers are accusing Kanzler Mherkel of damaging their profit margins as they will be unable to rake in roaming charges from Britisch customers if the boss of Germany won't let them into the EFU coz of Brexit.
“Well, what do you expect from a former leading light in East Germany's version of the Hitler Youth?” Sally Mandel

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, June MM21 like anyone cares