WEEK 1

 
Today's Wordful Wisdom:
A day without jazz is like a day without drinking 14 bottles of Chianti.

Q: Are there still mugs with more money than sense around?
A: If people will buy fizzy drink cans signed by pickler D. Hirst online for 2 grand, that's a big A-firmative.
“Add on the stooge who paid $1.5 million for a crap rapper's shoes!” Eve Hoe

Q: What can we do about Xtinction vandals if the court system lets them off?
A: "Xtremeinate! Xtremeinate!" Where are the Daleks when you need them?

How can you get a TON of free publicity?
A good way is to take all the vowels out of your company's name-logo, e.g. SCNTHRP BZRS, to make sure you're first in your field because everybody thinks of you when they're looking for an external contractor. And then you have to hope that potential clients are wonkish enough to admire your approach.

“Nobody in the real world gives a monkey's about the flatgate crap. If that's the best Sir Kreepy can do, it's time for him to run backwards in ever decreasing circles and disappear like the Ooozlum Bird.” Epi Sodic

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Problem that’s easily solved
Millennials, born in the 1980s, get a bigger slice of their lifetime income from inheritance than those born in the 1960s, the Xperts have calculated. 16% for Millennials inherited from post-war achievers vs 9% inherited by the 1960s births, whose parents had their lives messed about by a world war.
   Those same Xperts are confecting a social mobility crisis out of this, but the solution to their 'problem' is obvious. All Millennials have to do is go forth and earn more money from working so that their income from inheritance can sink to the magic 9%.
   Sorted!

Problem that should never have arisen
Surprise! Areas where electric scooters have been allowed to invade pavements are experiencing a crime wave. The rates of robbery, assault, casual mayhem by careless riders, theft from shops, drug dealing & transporting, even drive-by shootings are all soaring.
   So too are thefts with violence, and even murder, of the expensive electric scooters themselves.

Sleepy Gopher Joe has been boss of the United States
for 100 daze already!
   Did he managed to Get America Interesting Again, as promised?
   Nope. All he's planning to do is steal $6 TRILLION to use to buy himself some popularity.

A better hole
The NatWest bank has given Wee Burneystan a big vote of confidence by announcing that the corporate headquarters will be moved to Englandland in the event of Burneystan going independent.
   This is seen as tepid air as the latest poll of those bothered by the issue shows 46% being in favour of independence and 54% in favour of subsidies from English taxpayers.

Blairy Solution
The government is planning to put troops convicted in a kangaroo court of killing a terrorist on a par with IRA murderers by issuing get-out-of-gaol-free pardons instead of strangling the kangaroos and the people who confected the charges brought before them.
   Makes you proud to be Britisch.

Preverts England Something else that makes you proud to be Britisch is the decision by some wonk in authority @ Highways England to ban any use the signage configuration telling motorists that lanes one and four of a 'smart' motorway are both closed due to one or more hazards.    Why? Because the wonk prevert decided that the symbol looks like a rampant todger.	the "todger" in context
When questioned, the boss of Highways England launched into a long spiel about how 'smart' motorways are the safest highways in the whole history of The Universe in terms of fatalities on them and ignored the wonkage issue completely.

Recipe for disaster
There is a plan afoot to let cars with lane-keeping technology onto motorways by the end of the year. The hands-off driver would be free to mess about with a phone, read a newspaper, eat crisps or slurp coffee, or whatever—but required to take manual control of the car within 10 seconds!
   A lot can happen on a motorway in 10 seconds, even if the car is doing the initial permitted top driverless speed of just 37 mph!! With other drivers bombing around it at 70 mph.
“Keep death on the roads, where it belongs.” Florentine Bisq

Q: How can you tell if a former Attorney General is a puffed-up windbag?
A: If some BBC squirt repeatedly calls him Sir Whatever and he doesn't point out the error, that's the best clue you could hope for.

Flopperooney
Labour & BBC sleaze has failed to stick to vacuum cleaner tycoon Sir J. Dyson. The gifts to the Tory party from this 'donor' amount to a total of just 800 quid. Not even enuff to buy a new settee for Scary Carrie.

Lord "14 Pints" W. Hague reckons that the British army of the future could be sent to Brazil to shoot loggers to prevent them from hacking down the jungle there as a green gesture. And, no doubt, the RAF's remaining 2 planes could be used to bomb anyone attempting to drill for oil as another planet-saving gesture.

Good news for Australia is bad news for France. If Trade Sec. L. Truss completes a trade deal with the Aussies, their wine will become cheaper here.

"Let the hoodies pile up in their thousands."

NOTHING is better than Kreepysleaze!
"Okay, we'll have some nothing, please."

Blast from the past
Going right back to our beginnings in 2002, it's clear that The Black Flag hit the ground running. And we had the number of The Mugger, a.k.a. Gordon F. Broon, nailed down right away.
   Back then, as today, there were untouchable minorities. Our suggestions for how to deal with criminals were as uncompromising as they are now. "Black Rod to be abolished as rachelist" in the June 2002 issue—not a bloody thing has changed in the last 20 years. Stuff we were going on about in 2002 is still flying around in 2021.

Rewards for Failure Department: The boss of the cosmetic shambles that is NHS England is quitting and getting a peerage.

Today's Wisdom: Marriage is like yellow—it is neither red nor blue.

Despite Gorbal Warming, Scotland experienced its coldest April since 1922 this year.

Football boils over
Liverpool visiting Man. Utd.? Nah, let's have a riot about the failed ESSL instead of watching overpaid pampered gits doing the Knee of Shame.
   Which has left Man. City fuming on the sidelines @ having to wait a bit longer to be crowned champs of their league.

Universal Commonality
The gap between reality and what the plague Xperts told us was HUGE at times. The global warming fraudsters are using the same statistical systems to make their guesses.
   So when the GWF predict the end of the world and the total destruction of The Planet, let us recall what the plague Xperts told us and get the nation's gritting lorries out to apply lotz of salt.

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"Aaaah, Knut B. Arsed."

Fantasy Nook
Having blown his considerable earnings from the pop industry; mainly on flowers rather than expensive wallpaper; former star attraction J. Elton (right) has been reduced to scraping a living as an imitation cleaning lady.

Wallpapergate News: President Boris could be the first national leader sent to gaol for not playing along with a tabloid newspaper's sleaze campaign.

Pres. Boris could face £1M fine for financial juggling!
Pres. Boris could be facing suspension for the rest of this Parliament for redecorating his Downing St. flat!

Pres. Boris could send Sir Kreepy Steamer to gaol for an indefinite period for contempt of the office of prime monster in his capacity as supreme arbiter of political ethics @ the Palace of Westmonster.

“It's rather reassuring that the Pantz of Kontrol Guy can't find anything serious to whinge about and he's reduced to doing it about wallpaper.” Jemma Jocund
“Sir Kreepy's unconquerable problem is that no one likes a smart-arse lawyer.” Agent 47

95% of wildlife in Scotland could face Xtinction due to a global temperature rise of +1.5 deg.C.

The world's oceans could start fizzing due to the vast amounts of absorbed carbon dioxide by the end of the century.

Profits warning
As a result of on-going legal action here, Gooble, FakeBuk, UTube and other online companies which track users against their wishes could end up in legal actions lasting for decades with trillions of pound/dollars of compensation payments at stake.
Apple could end up on the wrong end of a $27 BILLION fine if the EFU's antitrust charges against the company and its crApp Store succeed.

Badly behaved schoolkids are trying to play the mental 'elf card to avoid being stuck in detention to deprive them of opportunities for further bad behaviour.

Same day, different tradition
It used to be fashionable for workers to parade their trade union banners on May Day and whinge about how oppressed, overworked and underpaid they are by fascist bosses.
   The workers don't get a look-in any more. It's thugs getting into clobbering matches with the police over lock-ins. It's Xtinctionists wailing about the impending demise of The Planet. It's Yellow Vest Pests in France. It's communists in Italy, Putinstan & Spain.
   It's "Stomp A Copper" everywhere for no good reason.

Ponzi fraudster B. Madoff's death certificate; he died on April 14th just 12 years into a 150-year sentence; lists his occupation as "broker". That's in the sense of someone who conspires to make others go broke, of course—a verb rather than a noun.

The Xperts are now convinced that going for a haircut doesn't spread the Chinese plague and customers could have continued to indulge in personal care binges during lock-in.

The cost of Scary Carrie's Downing Street refurb has been confected up and up to £200,000(!) by the Sunday Post, Scotland's favourite newspaper. When will it reach the magic half-million? And who will get it there?

Primary school kids are reported to have become so bored during locko that they have actually resorted to reading boox with a degree of difficulty about them!

President Bidet of the United States would have us believe that in his first 100 daze, he has made America great again.
“Nurse! He's out of bed again.” Open Zashlogal
“Not even if he kept on for 100 million daze.” Gorrie Zontal

The Planet could find itself finally free from glaciers, those Ice Age relics, by 2050.

President Boris's refurb is being investigated by the Electoral Commission, which is recognized even by those confecting outrage against him as a politically motivated kangaroo court. Which makes whatever the EC decides totally irrelevant.

New Zealand is facing up to the challenges to its dairy industry posed by global warming fraudsters by pioneering the breeding of cattle with low methane emissions.

“It's Now! It's Trendy! It's BLLCKS! But the ad agency got paid for whipping out all the vowels, and that's all that counts.” Danno Mahomey

“What a wonderful idea someone had—that the vaccine passport should be called a Prescott because it proves you've had Two Jabs.” C4 Lookin

“The legal trade is notorious for bending 'the truth' into any shape the customer is willing to pay for. Sir Kreepy is a self-confessed member of the legal trade. So much for any hope of his playing the honesty and/or integrity card.” Kirk Church

“Remember when O'Bummer was president and he used to stroll out @ occasions doing the big grin and pretending to point at people he was supposed to know in the crowd? Can you imagine Sir Kreepy doing that if he gets a turn as President of the Yew Kay?” Copper B'tom
“The acting lessons will cost the guy millions!” Coat D'Orleans

The Untied Nations' Security Council is demanding democracy in Burma and the release of all political prisoners.
   That should do the trick.

Scott Elk Mystery
Members of the public have been done for £2,000 to repair a prehistoric elk skull, which had an unfortunate collision with the floor in the former home of Scottish author Sir Walter Scott.
   Questions are now being asked about how the cost of a tube of superglue and a roll of low-tack tape for positioning was inflated to two grand.

A 300-ton fatberg in a sewer beneath the fringes of Birmingham is expected to keep the contractor busy for the next two months with the removal job.

Deportment classes—where Home Office wonks need to be sent to learn how to deport foreign criminals and other undesirables.

Today's Joke:
"I've got a smart watch. You don't have to wind it."
   "It has a quartz movement?"
"Nah, it's just a crap watch that's broken."

Today’s other joke -->

Sir Kreepy Steamer's attempt to get an extra-parliamentary paid job as a wallpaper advisor to the John Lewis chain of stores seems to have flopped.
   He was tried & found wanting by the Head of DIY @ the Manchester branch, who reported: "He could pick a roll of it out of a rack to be photographed but he didn't have a clue what to do with it next.
   "You could see the PR guy fuming on the sidelines. He must have warned him not to do it. But the boss always knows best."

“Everybody who claims The Planet is on fire should be taken to a deserted island somewhere remote, thumped mercilessly and left to walk home. That would reduce the world hysteria level considerably and increase the Species Sanity Index.” Bjom Feeda

Exit Strategy
The Democratic Unionist Party in Northern Ireland is heading for a complete loss of credibility if it makes its Stormont agriculture minister the next leader. Why? 'Coz he thinks The Planet just popped into Xistence 6,000 years ago.
   Not a serious person at all!

Following a ruling by the Little John Commission, Scary Carrie will henceforth be known to some people elsewhere as Carrie Antoinette.
Today's Bad Taste Question:
How tall will she be after a haircut down to her shoulders?

History repeats itself
The truth is out. MI6 has been so thoroughly infiltrated by Putinstan that it no longer hides its objective—to disrupt activities which promote the UK's interests.
   This revelation is now included in MI6 job advertising to underline the message that only infiltraitors need apply.

Knotty problem
You're a primary school head teacher and you want to be noticed; preferably, with notoriety. What do you do?
   Well, it will have to be something stoopider than banning teachers from using the term "boys & girls" because it's sexist in the opinion of the wonk head. Or, actually, not sexist enuff as it Xcludes kids who are neither male nor female.

Dentists want schools to add to their range, lessons to teach kids how to brush their teeth as modern parents seem to be incapable of passing on this vital training. It is feared that teachers who are also parents might have to be sent on a training course at huge expense.

Inclusives never work
"Each human life is unique and precious," Prince Chazzer said in his plug for the new bit to be added to St. Paul's Cathedral. We'll give him unique, but precious?
   Jack the Ripper, Dr. Shipman, Pol Pot, Mr. Ponzi, whoever brewed up the Chinese plague. We could well have done without any of them . . . and lots more like them.

The head jobsworth of the Britisch civil service has been outed as a lout who wears scruffbag shoes. Shocking!

The BIG growth industry in Nigeria is corrupt officials declaring pensioners to be dead and extorting cash from them to get their 'death' reversed and the pension payment restored. Eventually.

Some choice!
Variations of the Chinese plague brewed up in India are now in a serious arse-kicking contest for dominance in the London area with the variation first detected in Kent.

Is the Britisch economy about to BOOM! or is it just clawing part of the way out of an enormous hole dug by the Chinese plague? It all depends what the person doing the sums is trying to sell.

6th May: Cosmetic GM Mayoral Election — Support your Covid 21 Candidate!

Do we want this guy again?
Jonah Burnham was a Minister @ the Dept. of Health when people were dying of neglect @ Stafford hospital.
Moved to the Treasury for the Brown Slump of 2008 and all the banks went bust.
Became Greater Manchester Police & Crime Commissioner then the cosmetic mayor. GM Police ended up in administration, declared unfit for purpose on his watch, and the chief constable was sacked. Nothing to do with him, of course.
Next mission—wreck the public transport system?

Mercer got it right
Sacked-by-text veterans minister J. Mercer was vindicated when the case against two former paratroopers collapse in disarray. The kangaroos had brought the former soldiers to Belfast Crown Court to try to turn the death of an IRA terrorist into murder. They failed miserably.
“No surprise that the BBC kept the IRA flag flying after the case was tossed by the judge.” Craig Millar
“This trial should never have gone before any sort of court, kangaroo or otherwise, relying on 'evidence' which the prosecution had to know would be tossed by any competent judge. The people responsible should be sacked as unfit for purpose.” Prag Gnatic
“Sucking up to the IRA should be a criminal offence worth 5 years in gaol; the length of time this travesty was dragged out for.” Zuta Law

To the surprise of the world, M. le Penn was acquitted of a hate crime against Moslems in a French court. What she did was post details of Daesh atrocities on Twatter 6 years ago. This barrel scraping operation failed miserably.

Fuk Jon Sno, the newsreader with a notoriously anti-white rachel bias, is to be relocated permanently to a re-education camp in N. Korea and will no longer be available not to be watched on Channel 4.

+ + + Rachelist Bollywood actress accuses Twatter of hating her + + + No one surprised + + + Was blocked for posting anti-white hate messages + + +

The way forward north of the border
"Last year our whole world changed.
"This year, let's change it for the better.
"Bin Wee Burney with both votes.
"You know it makes sense."

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Never mind the Major Domo, I want to speak to the Colonel Domo.
“Or the Brigadier Domo if you don't get no satisfaction?” Hairy Wails

“No, I don't buy Cantor's notion that there could be an infinite number of numbers bigger than infinity. You have to draw the line somewhere.” Dud Grunger

Information Corner: When a spoilt brat rants: "Do you know who my mum is?" when drunk on an airliner, the correct response is: "Ask your nanny, sonny. She should know."

Why it will take @ least 2 decades to restore confidence in Labour's leadership?
   That's how long it will take Sir Kreepy to get up to speed.

Croquet is becoming popular again, thanks to the Chinese plague. Safe spacing is easier to maintain and the sport doesn't involve all the tedious walking about that golf entails. And the amount of equipment needed and the space to deploy it is so much less.

Hospitals are having to evict Chinese plague cases to make room for a surge in child o'besity cases.

The current surges in wonkism and cancellation culture @ universities are driving some of them to the bread-line as philanthropic donors turn away from them and look for more worthwhile causes.

Shame on them
The guards @ the notorious Brooklyn Detention Centre near New York could find themselves in gaol for violating the 'uman bluddy rights of detainee G. Maxwell and giving her black eyes.
   Their conduct has been described as something which would be out of order even in a gulag in Burma, China, Iran, North Korea or Putinstan.

“Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to let the Scots go their own way. And the Irish, too. Especially if it disconnects us from the IRA stooges in the PNSI, the PPS and the HET.
   “Dissolving the Union would leave England more prosperous after shedding its dependencies and a smaller presence on the world stage. And therefore no longer needing to throw vast amounts of taxpayers' money @ pointless examples for the rest of the world to ignore. A nation at peace with itself. Pretty much.
   “And maybe we could get rid of the Welsh, too . . .” Fromage Gravity

A blue whale, which tried but failed to hijack a freighter, has washed up dead on a beach in Sarf Efrica. Alternatively, the whale might have lost a game of chicken.

The legal trade has already made over £100 million out of the still on-dragging Grenfell Tower fire inquiry—with more to come.

Teenagers are a major cause of gorbal warming, the Xperts are concluding. Most of them have at least 2 electronic gadgets on the go simultaneously, and some 70% flit between 4 gadgets with screens. All chomping up vast amounts of electricity, which requires vast amounts of carbon accounting.

Just normal for a career of that length
“Kurt Vonnegut created a large body of work over five decades, I read in a puff for the Vonnegut Encyclopaedia in a Postscript Books catalogue.
   “Impressive? Well, I calculated my own output over the last five decades and it has to be around 10 million words in 130 volumes (and counting), which is large by any standards. But so is the time period.
   “Thus, when it comes to being impressed, no, I'm not actually. But that said, yes, some of his books are good, yes, some are not so good. If you churn out enough stuff, different people will appreciate different bitz of it.” P.H.T.

Xorcists are now calling themselves paranormalists in an attempt to check the initial impulse to laugh felt when people hear what they do.

“Anyone surprised that ex-copper D. Chauvin's leagle eagles are appealing on the grounds that he didn't get a fair trial for the murder of G. Floyd, he got a railroad job instead? Nope?” S. Ceptic

“The honcho of the BBC has warned that its growing assault on truth poses a threat to societies & democracies around the world? I'm having some of what he's been smoking!” Bankoputres Methtigre

“Is there an awful inevitability about virtue flaggers who put their money on some guy for diversity reasons, as BAFTA did, finding out too late that they've backed another G. Floyd? Maybe this is a sign that The Universe is starting to lose patience with posturing gits.” Blue Susan

Not quite according to plan
"You got it, Peloton!"
   "Got what?"
"A treadmill that needs to be recalled on safety grounds."
   "Bugger!"

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The latest FeckAllData poll indicates . . . that the world and it's auntie ain't that impressed by President Boris's antics but they are even less impressed by Sir Kreepy Steamer's.

WEEK 2     WEEK 2

 
Reasons to be cheerful
We'll let you know when we have some. Might take a bit of time.

Forget the traditional political coronation across the water
The DUP in Ulster has found a proper candidate to challenge The Poots, a creationist, for its leadership. He's even a Sir, like Sir Kreepy!

The Swiss government has done something about the plague of discarded face masks, which are clogging streets everywhere. The official advice now is that they need not be thrown away after one use.
   They should be kept in isolation for 7 days and then they can be used again. Bad news for the firms flogging zillions of them if customers need just 7 for max. mobility instead of endless packets of 50.

Froggies get uppity
Both the UK and France have sent gunboats to the Channel Islands as French fishermen attempt to blockade Jersey because they are no longer entitled to haul as much fisch as they like out of Britisch coastal waters without paying for a licence.
   The French government has weighed in with a threat to stop supplying electricity to Jersey, which gets 90-95% of its power via an undersea cable system. The situation has not been helped by claims by some French government ministers that they are ready to go to war over their nation's right to fish where they want and take as much as they like, and bugger sustainability.

Last week, 'smart' motorways were safer than any other road, according to Highways England.
This week, 'smart' motorways have a higher death rate than proper M-ways with a hard shoulder, according to the Commons transport committee and the London Fire Brigade.
What will we get next week?
Nothing sensible. You can count on that.

Bollocks to Barnier as the next French President?
That makes sense. Not.
“After the procession of out and out crooks and poseurs, it will maintain the tradition of putting the person least qualified in the presidential palace.” Katta Pilar

We're about to experience the fastest rate of economic growth for 70 years? Are we impressed? Nope. Not if it's in the wake of the damage done by the Chinese plague.
“And not if savers continue to be swindled.” Onva Conse

Masochism for the Masses ---->
Sir Kreepy pretends to take it on the chin from the Britisch electorate in the May electionfest—but he can't manage to look cheerful and unconcerned about it..

Slurp!
Following locko, the Baby Boomer generation is to be redesignated Baby Boozers as lotz of them have become certifiable alcoholics who need an eye-opener to get the day started.

Is it still valid to talk about deprived areas if the customers there can scare up enuff cash to set records for deaths due to alcohol abuse?
   Sounds like something the Nomenclature Nerds need to tackle urgently.

Cop for that!
Reports are mixed over what actually happened in the Battle of Jersey, when Britisch gunboats broke up an attempt to blockade the island's main harbour.
   The French side is claiming that the 8 fishing boats that sank when the blockade fleet of 70 was dispersed were victims of naval gunfire. The Britisch side maintains that they met their end as a result of collisions when the unruly rabble became even more unruly in retreat.
“The Jersey government should take a close look at the video footage of the blockade attempt and charge the participants double the going rate for a fishing licence.” X. Ponential
“Pres. MacRon is just a Poundshop Putin? That's telling the bugger!” Mompy Tissue
“It does old MacRon no favours to call him the new Napoleon. Let us not forget that Mr. Bonaparte, like Mr. Hitler, was seen off by we Britisch.” Moth Darnold

FU EFU
“Let us also not forget that World War 2 was over ages ago and the French are NOT our allies. Especially when they expect the rest of the EFU to back up their threats. And they have NEVER been our friends.” Anbo Lynn

The point is less or ful?
The SNP is bragging about electing women of colour to the Scittish Parliament but the one on the front page of today's Sunday Post looks as pink as any of the 'white' people in the rest of the paper. Thus what we really need to know is whether she is any good or whether she is just a piece of entitled cannon fodder.

Scotland's problem is that there is no credible opposition party there. Nationally, when enough people get fed up with the Tories and they put Labour in charge, we know that Labour will make a hell of a mess but the Tories that follow will fix things.
   Scotland is a one-party state. It used to be Labour, now it's SNP. Thus the SNP have been making a hell of a mess there for over a decade—education, policing, transport, etc., etc.—and there is no prospect of a competent rival to fix things.

“Molten Mandelsleaze as a result of Labour losing its parliamentary seat in the hartle pool? Not a pretty sight!” Chloride Nicotine

A bullet dodged
The nation breathed a sigh of relief; well, the informed members of it did; when former Labour Chancellor A. "Eyebrows" Darling turned down the chance to head a charitable trust, which would have been responsible for refurbishment of the residential quarters in Downing Street.
   Clearly, he didn't want to be bombarded with reminders of how much taxpayers' cash he swindled out of the system by pretending his second home was his first home and vice versa when he needed refurbing done.
“Four flips was four too many.” Hadda Nuff

More cash-flow hopes dashed
Bad behaviour on the part of the government of China, source of the current global pandemic, has sunk Dave the ex-Leader's hopes of creating a £720 MILLION UK-China investment fund.

Bad News & Good News
NASA has warned that following extensive exploratory exercises, it will be unable to do anything about any large asteroid which is found to be on a collision course with the Earth.
   This is because both Bruce Willis & Clint Eastwood are now far too old to be launched into space as rogue-busting space cowboys.
   The only good news is that a really good asteroid impact will put an end to the Xtinctionist pests and all global warming fraudsters. And also Greenhouse Grotter, of course.

Another present from off to the East
Warnings have been issued about the danger posed by a Chinese Long March 5B booster rocket. It was used to deliver to orbit, the first set of components to build a Chinese space station and it is now in an unstable orbit.
   The good news is that the 20-ton monster is likely to break up when it gets fed up of orbiting out of control and re-enters the atmosphere, and no mass Xtinctions are Xpected. The bad news is that large bitz of it could hit land or sea anywhere between Peking in the north and New Zealand in the south.
   Xperts are hoping that the Pacific or Atlantic ocean will take the hit rather than a populated area. May 8th is currently the most likely date for the return. If you are reading this, nothing happened to either you or us!
   To no one's surprise, the Chinese government is trying to play down the threat from their rocket. They have gone as far as claiming it is not out of control and that particular concern is just Western hype. But they have not dared to claim that it is nothing to do with them.
NASA has reported that the big bitz just missed the Maldives in the Indian Ocean, splashing down in the early hours of Sunday morning.
   10 more launches of components for the Chinese space station will be made and so The Planet will get to shudder with fear of being landed upon 10 more times.

Despite gorbal warming . . .
Winter sports fans have been enjoying a long, last hurrah in the North of England & Scotland following late snowfalls, and the May Day bank holiday has been declared the coldest and windiest on record.
   Not that this is anything to get Xcited about as the records don't go back all that far.
Scottish waters are too cold for killer whales and the West Coast pod of orcas is currently holidaying off Cornwall.

Q: What exactly is a hartle and how deep is their pool?
A: It is a species of stickleback found only in Yorkshire. Anything deeper than 2 feet in a stream with not much of a current seems to suit them very well.

Some of the nation's Xperts are gnashing their teef. Why? 'Coz some of the customers are daring to say that locko has improved the state of their mental 'elf and they are ready for as much more of it as President Boris and the Death Doctors can dish out.
   All professionals in the mental 'elf industry see this as a direct threat to their livelihood and they are demanding that something be done about it.

“If not coughing up billions of pounds of tax revenue to an independent Scotland is the price of one woman's vanity, we taxpayers south of the border are certainly not going to complain!” Bay Cananeg

Safety protocol
Following a number of violent detonations—but no loss of life as yet—Scottish fans of NiCOLA are being urged not to attempt to batter and deep-fry cans of it.

Scittish Parliament election result SN party biggest group but no absolute majority, still dependent on what the Greens will let them do.

Trying to bribe the customers to vote Labour by handing out chocolate brownies is not a criminal offence in West Yorkshire, the cops there reckon.

People who glug soft drinks—with or without sugar—are more likely to die early than people who don't, the Xperts reckon. Especially of heart disease.

Sir Kreepy Steamer thinks giving everyone training in how to acquire and demonstrate unconscious bias; paid for by the taxpayer, natch; is not a bad idea, having done it himself.

Raveny McRavenface
The Yeopersons of the Tower of London have offered 5 choices for a public vote to decide the name for a new female addition to the tower's contingent of ravens. No prize is on offer for guessing what is on offer as the write-in nomination from alleged humorons.

Kids who won't learn how to brush their teeth will end up crippled with rheumatoid arthuritis. That should give the little skivers something to think about.

Just so you know, a popular restaurant switching to vegan but keeping the same set price for a meal is the same as indulging in the profit motive dressed up in the glad rags of sanctimony. And that's official.

Q: How do you get away with paying nowt in corporation tax on £38 BILLION of sales?
A: Be Amazon and have a sweetheart deal with the regime in Luxembourg.

“You do start to wonder what they've been smoking when a panel of alleged Xperts claims that a bottle of wine which has spent a year on the ISS has aged faster than the same wine kept on The Planet.” Sue Preem
“There's always one. Some mug, they reckon, is going to pay a million quid at an auction for a spaced bottle of Burgundy.” Elsa Poppin
“Let us hope more than one bottle was spaced and the mug isn't going to find his/her million-quid bottle half empty because the Xperts have been slurping at it.” Joy Ryder

“It’s Not Rocket Surgery” or “A Much Better Guess?”
What is the source of the mysterious puffball look-alikes which have been spotted by NASA rovers on Mars?
   People desperate for an instant explanation picked believing them to be evidence that fungi can survive and thrive on the Red Planet. And received well-deserved derision.
   A more likely explanation is that they are formed by the same process which grew a tongue of ice out of a dish of catwater in Romiley back in January of this year.
   Okay, it's a disappointment for those who are desperate to find signs of life on Mars but sub-surface water can flow out through cracks if put under pressure and freeze when it meets sub-zero temperatures. And if the water is full of gas bubbles, the resulting structure will be opaque and look just like the NASA pictures.
   And if the temperature goes up, ice will sublime directly into water vapour and just vanish along with the gas.

Food Xperts in Pennsylvania, America's vampire heartland, have come up with a way to make flat sheets of pasta twist & turn into cute shapes when cooked. The cooking time for the invention is only two-thirds of that of conventional pasta shapes, and more of it can be stored in a given space for the convenience of campers and people on expeditions into the wilds of The Planet.

Q: What's a good way to make a High Court judge blow his top?
A: Sell your luxury yacht after the judge puts a court order embargo on selling it.

We're getting lots of moaning about 'vulnerable' gamblers losing zillions to rapacious online betting companies but nothing in the way of an alternative.
   The obvious solution is for the State to declare compulsive gamblers to be incompetent, confishcake all their assets and oblige them to live on a modest allowance until they can find something less destructive to do with themselves.

Also on the theme of Poundshop Putins—India's prime monster, N. Modi, has joined the club with his construction vanity projects. He had already blown enough cash on his attempts to build the legacy of the British Raj in the shade to pay for vaccinating 80% of the one-billion plus population and the cash continues to cascade into his drain.
When he was trying to get himself elected, he promised to drain Delhi of corruption & cronyism. He neglected to mention that he would just be diverting it to his own mates.

“How does Manuka honey get away with it? Personuka, shirley!” Jon E. Vegas

50 years ago, there were Xperts ASSURING us that the world's food supply was going to run out . . . 20 years ago, in 2000. So much for them.

We have been advised that socal distancing is to remain W1 in the important parts of the Yew Kay. We are still waiting for the English translation.

Q: What do you get if you buy Japanese high-speed trains?
A: Cracks in vital structural welds in the chassis and no trains running on intercity mainlines.

In case you were wondering . . .
. . . this is a picture of a bus to remind you what they looked like, as there won't be any by the time our cosmetic mayor, Jonah Burnham, the Stafford Hospital Guy, has finished letting the public transport system die of neglect.

You are what you eat whilst listening to music, Xperts in Denmark have decided. Smoooth jazz encourages listeners to go for fresh fruit & salad. Rock music fans go for pizzas & donuts & junk foods.

Keep on guessing, guys!
The imprisoned Napoleon Bonaparte (French) wasn't poisoned by volatile arsenic compounds emitted by the green wallpaper in his cell-villa on St. Helena. The latest theory is that he absorbed the cancer-causing bad stuff from his fave brand of eau de Cologne.
[Something for all you Colognistas to ponder. Ed.]

Israel appears to have wound up Hamas with a spot of religious harassment in Occupied Jerusalem in order to take advantage of some munitions which were approaching their use-by date.
   The World is not surprised.

Reality is starting to bite
It is clamping its teef into electric car users in Scotland. The bribes are drying up. The subsidies on vehicle purchases are shrinking and councils are actually daring to charge for plugging in to their charging points instead of letting electricals have their juice on the house.
[i.e. courtesy of English taxpayers Ed.]

“Wee Burney can squawk as much as she likes but a generation of 'uman beenz ain't 7 years—fact!” Alien 81

Responding to attempts @ intimidation by Vlad the Putin, President Joke releases a picture of himself with his wife which make him look about 8 feet tall!
   Putin, of course, is terminally embarrassed by being a bit of a shrimp. Like Pres. MacRon.

The Ministry of Defence is going for a fleet of 148 digital tanks to meet and match the threat of Putinstan's inflatables.
[reported toward the end of last month Ed.]

Sometime First Lady of the Untied States M. O'Bummer is worried that her daughters will be judged adversely because a number other persons of colour there behave badly.

Q: What does this sign mean? --->
A: It directs tourists & visitors to France to an official area where they will have the piss taken out of them by jobsworth Froggie burrocraps.

Danes and Norwegians are too weak & feeble to handle the UK's workhorse Oxford vaccine. They are also not up to handling the Johnson & Johnson product, which is based on the same technology, which means all the more for the Germans, who are offering it to everyone.

Q: A van with the slogan Smart Digital Services on the side—how much confidence does that inspire?
A: About as much as a sign for a 'smart' motorway.

The Football Association has binned its iconic 3 lions badge in favour of one showing a lioness and 2 cubs.
   This is confirmation that in the divershity era [Sean Canary pronunciation Ed.], professional football is now just for big girl's blouses and kiddies.

“If Pres. MacRon hates the Britisch so much, why is he so against Brexit and why does he want the UK in the EFU? Other than to pick the pocket of English taxpayers, of course.” Gart Cosh
“MacRon giving President Boris an Xcuse to send a couple of gunboats to Jersey is getting the credit for tipping the balance in the Hartle Port by-election and depriving Labour of the former haunt of the Mandelsleaze.” May Benot
“Like January's Capitol Caper in the Untied States, Trafalgar II @ Jersey was all over by teatime. And let us not forget that the Froggies lost Trafalgar I, too.” Angelina Miserare

“Apparently slavery is okay if someone French like Napoleon Bonaparte is making cash out of it.” Food Evans

“Wokery is to be cancelled as it discriminates against people who are not HUTAgonians.” Nafia Falsehood

Spain has ended its 'state of alarm'. Young people are now back on the streets, looking for a good time, maskless and unsocially spaced, and apparently determined to make sure everyone who is going to get the Chinese plague does so in the next couple of weeks. Mucho pragmatismo!

Goldilocks And The 3 Bears is to be cancelled because it discriminates against people who don't have golden hair, people who don't have hair and animals other than bears. And also people who don't like porridge.

The megamonster Apple could end up tripping @ a slight dent in the pavement if a class action for overcharging customers in its crApp store succeeds in Xtracting $1.5 BILLION.

Enterprising Indians have come up with a novel way to ensure safe spacing in a country ravaged by the Chinese plague. They are covering themselves with cow dung as a protective measure to avoid contact with plague carriers.

President Boris has announced that casual sex will be okay again from the 17th of this month.

The Chinese regime is worried about running out of customers. The birth rate there has fallen to 1.3 children per woman and whilst having fewer people means more open spaces to enjoy, a reduction in the number of customers to exploit means belts tightened for the élite.

Quis custodiet?
Fact/Comment/Opinion: If somebody does something which causes others to hate them, then hating that person is not a criminal offence and if the police pretend that it is the equivalent of a criminal offence, then the conduct of the police amounts to a criminal offence and becomes grounds for sacking the police officer(s) concerned.
   If that doesn't happen, those who are responsible for inspecting the conduct of the police are guilty of misconduct in a public office and belong in gaol in any society in which the Law is enforced without fear or favour.

The Rugby Football Union has decided to call its B Team 'England A' rather than 'Saxons' in recognition of the fact that the Diversionaries have driven out white, Angular-Saxon descendants in favour of the currently fashionable persons of colour.

No way out
The Labour party has Long Corbynstein Syndrome? That has to be a desperate bid for victim status.
   Nothing to do with the people in charge now and their policies and their disconnection from everyone else. Everything to do with something pseudomedical instead.

Q: What has Wee Burney Sturgeon got to say about the Chinese plague in today's briefing to the nation?
A: F.A.
[Face covered, Avoid crowds. Ed.]

for Labour: the claim that all its troubles are due to O.J. Corbynstein has been torpedoed & sunk. The problem is actually due to picking leaders who live in North London: Edstone Milipede, O.J. Corbynstein, Sir Kreepy Steamer.
“Sir Kreepy needs to ask himself if he's the right person to lead Labour? Cobblers! He's always going to give himself a resounding yes.” R.W.

Avoid foreign travel with a Cruisecation
4 or 8 days on a luxury liner off the UK coast
So much to do you won't want to go ashore
Everyone tested plague-free, no quarantine afterwards
Romiley Voyages, 31 Riverside Drive

One-way traffic
Putting the mockers on the Tokio Olympics a bit more—a female weightlifter from New Zealand is likely to lose her place to a former bloke. The rest of the team has been told to belt up and look cheerful if any wiseguy wonders if anyone on the male weightlifting team is likely to lose his job to an ex-female.

The Boris Cash Crisis has left Creepy Carrie having to get her frocks made out of leftover curtain material.

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Avoid the months of mess of a complete remake
One-Day or Two-Day conversion jobs on offer
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Fasting could help you to reduce your blood pressure. In fact, if you give up eating completely, you can get it right down to zero. At which point, you'll be brown bread, but every triumph involves some sort of sacrifice along the way.

5% of the population has terminal shopaholic disorder, the Xperts reckon. Tough.

“Does the world really face crippling problems due to climate change, as Sir Iconic Attenbro would have us believe? Or is that really a coded message expressing his total lack of confidence in the current generation of wonks & alarmists to keep things going? As their ancestors have done for millennia. Even through Spanish Armada threats and World Wars.” Walker Shoe

The Chinese government has been engaged in serious preparations for a World War 3 waged with bioweapons since 2015, Western intelligence agencies reckon. Wunderbar.

The boss of FakeBuk (American) is blaming the Million Dollar Employee, a.k.a. Calamity Clegg (Britisch), for banning President Trump (American) from using this auntie-social medium.

The much ridiculed Turner Prize for works of art & ludicrous garbage is now accepting entries from groups of no-hopers as well as individuals.

Romiley author Henry Smith wishes to make clear that he is not an MP nor is he the chairman of the Commons future of aviation group. That's another bloke with the same name.

This month’s Big Bargeload of Bollocks Award goes to . . .
. . . the concept of carbon-neutral home energy being a desirable benefit to the people who are being overcharged shamelessly for it.

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We’ve been here before lotz of times
Israel's latest Lebensraum Putsch seems to be heading toward a full-scale war with the A-rabs. But if you've got America paying your way, you can get away with anything. Especially if the other lot is relying on what Iran & Putinstan are willing to cough up in the way of charitable offerings.

There’s a word (or two) for it
Injustice Collectors—what terrorists & victimhood-seekers do to justify themselves and their atrocities.
Garbage Collectors—the people who have to hoover up terrorists and professional victims.

If you want to be a boozer without guilt, the best place to do it is Fiji, where the maximum recommended weekly intake of alcohol is 52 units!!!

Xtremely risky job
A third Russian doctor who treated Putin the Poisoner's victim opposition leader A. Navalny is believed to have been liquidated.
   And that's despite going along with the official line that Gospodin Navalny put himself into a coma and faked the symptoms of novichok poisoning.
   The Kreml line is that Siberian bears ate the disappeared doctor when he was out for a solo jaunt in bear-infested woods.

Taking to the air again
Back in the 1930s, rocket mail was all the rage, especially in Germany. 90 years on, the Royal Mail is experimenting with delivery by drone, presumably with servicing remote locations cheaply in mind.
   Drones are a lot less spectacular than rockets, and they are likely to carry smaller payloads, but they probably offer a much better bet of undamaged delivery at the other end.

Public Service Announcement He's been called the Blogger of the Decade His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

WEEK 2     WEEK 2     WEEK 3

 
Don’t call us and we won’t call you
Got a complaint about what they've done to version 88 of the Firefox internet browser? Forget it. Mr. Mozilla has been copping for so much outrage that he has been forced to cancel his feedback service.
“The most annoying mess-up has to be the way the Minimize, Maximize & Close buttons at the top-right of the frame keep on vanishing.” Gomez Putador
“That and not being able to right-click on an image to check its properties.” Carlos Covid

The Labour party is frantically denying reports that its internal cracks are due to Japanese jerry building.

The blame game goes on
Sir Kreepy Steamer has sacked his deputy, A. Rayner, for failing to act like a John Prescott figure. It seems that she was totally crap @ playing the Two Jags buffoon figure to make Sir Kreepy look serious and statesmanlike in contrast.
   Two Jags, the world will recall, was famous for putting the 'rant' into ignorant.
“And the 'infidel' into infidelity.” Fun Dunn

Marsman E. Musk has a cute misspeak disorder, he reckons. That's why a lot of what he says doesn't make much sense. Hasn't stopped him from racking up a fortune of $170 billion, though.

Won’t work
Kenyan ranchers are laying the ground for shoving up their black tea prices 'coz ov gorbal warmage. Their only problem is that we will be able to grow as much tea as we need here if things get warmer, and claim lotz of credit for bogus carbon capturing & saving The Planet, so no worries.
“Let them drink coffee instead.” Hun Dunn

Q: Does using an Android tablet turn you into an android?
A: Real people use a PC (proper computer) and don't give a rattenkranz.

Q: How do you find a lost invisible hearing aid?
A: What?

Men—get ready for mask-free life
and having to shave your face again
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Q: Trope vs Cliché—which wins?
A: Depends too much on the context.

No one learns from history
Some brave soul who was reading a volume of our printed Reference Editions of the material on the website came across an interesting fact.
   It was a report from July 2003 to the effect that the EFU was going to introduce a Europe Day and the first one would be on April 20th in 2004.
   A date which just happens to be Adolf Hitler's birthday. Which explains why it was changed to May 9th when the penny dropped.

Just a windmill
The spring of 2023 is being touted as a likely time for President Boris to call an early general election, the object of which will be 'to ratshit pressure' on Sir Kreepy Steamer.
   But with all the plotting & manoeuvring going on right now in the Labour party, especially as the sinister Corbynstein Momentum Gang hasn't gone away, there is no guarantee that Sir K. will still be the figurehead then!

He’s still not much cop
Bollocks to Barnier, the EFU's failed Brexit negotions guy, thinks we Britisch are behaving like buccaneers over Channel Island fishing rights. Not a term that is likely to offend, though, as the original buccaneers were heroic challengers of Spanish oppression back in the 17th century, Hollywood assures us.

Israel bombs Al Jazeera HQ in Gaza in an attempt to prevent reportage of outrages.

Cup Final 140, Chelski vs Leicester
“F.A. Cup prediction—The Blues will win.” Bargy Prodj
[But both teams play in blue. Ed.]
“And your point is?” Bargy Prodj

Daftest haircut? One of the Chelski mob. And one of the Leicester subs.
   Strange to have actual people in the stadium rather than crardboard cut-outs. Knees of shame for American criminals. Booooo! Not much of a specdracula start. Neither goal was in any danger during the first half. Were the slackers saving themselves for the last 20 minutes?
   Some of the contestants were turrible collapso actors, falling over and rolling half-way across the pitch after a nothing contact.
   Wow, gosh! A goal in the 63rd minute. Everyone falls over in amazement. Wot a cracker! The Blues in purple 1 up. The only shot on goal thus far. Maybe they should try it more often? Maybe 50 replays are enough?
   Chelski managed a shot on goal but the Leicester keeper got in the way. 3 minutes + extra time to go. And IT'S IN THE NET!!!!! a minute later. 1-all? Nope, offside, the Video Referee reckoned!!!!!! And nothing more before the final whistle blew.
“That thing about saving it for the last 20 minutes? Spot on.” Rhea Lies

Back you go
Skiving @ home is expected to die away naturally as people get bored and seek a return to a work environment where they can interact with other people. Bullies and sex pests in particular are suffering frustration and serious mental 'elf isshues during locko.

Q: Is the end to the ban on casual sex due to the Chinese plague Locko 2 likely to make much of a difference?
A: Not really. Serious bonkaholics are still at it, despite the ban. And frivolous ones are still making the most of their opportunities.

Unnecessary panic
Fixing the cracks in the Japanese-built mainline Hi-Speed trains will take weeks or months? Potential customers are advised to stay put.
   What a difference a couple of days makes.
   Suddenly, the story is that the microfractures are not serious and the trains can be running again right away. And if none of them crashes, it was a pointless scare.
“There is a strong suspicion that this business with the trains was a conspiracy aimed at stopping people travelling around @ the end-of-the-month bank holiday and spreading the plague. But someone chickened out and that's why trains are running again.” Coata Varms

Q: Where is a good place to meet a tiger in an urban setting?
A: Try Houston. Tiger owners there are not too hot on security. Especially the illegal ones.

Scrape, scrape
If Bonehead Jonah Burnham, Greater Manchester's cosmetic mayor, is the best the Labour party can do in the way of a Big Beast who is all-wise and all-knowing, then it is in dead trouble.
   And if Burnham is really the best candidate on offer when Sir Kreepy is toppled, it will be back to the good old daze of O.J. Corbynstein as far as Labour's credibility is concerned.
Point of Information, Comrades. The Stafford Hospital Guy was being touted as Labour's next leader back around this time of the year in 2015, when Edstone Milipede was getting the boot. In the event, Harridan Harperson was installed as a bookmark and the next elected leader was O.J.

“If Labour really is the party of equality & fairness, no one can blame Sir Kreepy for blaming the wimmin for the recent disastrous election results and sacking them wholesale if that's where the blame truly belongs.” Feud Heys
“Sir Kreepy is the son of a toolmaker? Well, he certainly behaves like a proper tool most of the time. But maybe not when he's asleep.” Polo Greedy

Pres. Bidet's pledge to make Ameriqua carbon emissions neutral by 2050, when he's right at the bottom of the dustbin of history, is based on technology which doesn't exist and totally worthless, his spokesbloke has admitted.

It's rather peculiar that the 'care' industry seems to attract lots of people who won't be vaccinated for one spurious reason or another, including religious ones, a belief that the vaccines mess with human DNA and that the vaccination programme is some sort of sinister conspiracy.
   Looks like it's high time for Pres. Boris & Co. to put in place regulations to ensure that those who look after the old & frail are reasonable persons in their right mind, and aware of their responsibilities to their charges. Which have to include not infecting them with the Chinese plague.

Israeli prime monster B. Net&yahoo was about to lose his job. That's not on the agenda now he's distracted his customers with another war with the A-rabs.

Kaboom! coming?
In October 2003, the US government admitted arming 3 Israeli submarines with cruise missiles fitted with nuclear warheads. Let us hope the fallout doesn't blow as far as the Yew Kay if Mr. Yahoo decides the best way to be PM for life is to sort out Gaza once and for all.
“A war against an inferior opponent is the first refuge of a scoundrel.” Megstye Miss
“Mr. Yahooo can't raise a cheer? Go and bomb the fuck out of some Palestinians. That will get the customers yelling their heads orf and waving flags.” Collar Terrel

Hugger-Mugger Monday 17th

Wales almost invaded
They came, they looked about a bit, and they didn't see much happening. And when the alien visitors went for a stroll around their landing site, they discovered that the lack of activity was due to everyone being locked in to prevent the spread of a plague.
   Not much of an advertisement for an insignificant, backwater planet and not much of an incentive to linger..
   But what actually sped them on their way was an accusation by a passing plague warden that they were guilty of cultural appropriation because their spacecraft reminded her of a sombrero.
   So they legged it as she was reaching for her fixed penalty ticket book.
photo credit: W.R.T. Productions of Cymru

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Nothing helpful
Something else the Tony B. Liar regime was doing back in the early part of the century was blowing hundreds of thousands of pounds on sending gender Xperts to conquered Iraq to tell confused A-rabs which sex to be.

Bollocks to Barnier (70) was all in favour of freedom of movement when he was trying to balls up Brexit. But now he wants a turn at being the French president, he thinks it should stop, especially movement of foreign migrants, because he thinks it's a vote-catcher.
“There's a strong suspicion that the old fool is being used as a pantomime stalking horse, whose job is to take votes away from M. le Pen to try to ensure another term for Pres. MacRon.” Debra Doors

The Dr. Who TV series is going to end up with a cast of thousands in one of its episodes if all the possible variations of cyberbeings are included in the name of diversity. Cybermen, cyberwomen, cybertrannies, cybernuls, the list is endless.

Was the Isle of Mull rocked by an earthquake last Friday? If it was just 0.5 on the Richter scale, our Xpert reckons that no one would have noticed it. Especially if it happened at 01:50 hours.

If Dave the ex-Leader bombarded everyone he knew in government and its auxiliaries with pleas for cash for the failed Greenswill company, and none was forthcoming, we can relax. The system works.
“We can also fall over in amazement that it did, given the generally crap reputation of government ministers and their minions where taxpayers' cash is concerned.” Folding Behemoth
“Who put Dave in touch with Greenswill in the first place? Former Cabinet Sec. J. Heywood. Is his reputation being trashed twice as much as Dave's? Doesn't seem to be.” Paqui Tinn
“The watchdogs failed to bark? They didn't need to if nothing dodgy happened and zillions of taxpayers' money didn't vanish down another drain.” Jackie Tinn

Still at it
18 years ago, Israeli troops were murdering British journalists in an attempt to prevent them from reporting the army's efforts to harass Arabs and demolish buildings belonging to them. The destruction of the Gaza media building keeps that tradition going.
   18 years ago, the Israeli army tried, but failed, to prevent reportage of a killing spree in Nablus, Jordan. That's in addition to killing Palestinians in the West Bank area to steal their land, and bank robbery. If the Yanks have your back, you're fireproof forever.

Pee-wee, much too small
Peat bogs might be carbon storage powerhouses but if the entire land surface of the UK were to be converted into a giant peat bog, it would have zero impact on the climate of The Planet and gorbal warmage.
   Only turning somewhere like the whole of Africa or China into a MASSIVE peat bog would make a difference. But like that's going to happen.

D. Milipede, paid one megabuck p.a. by the faux, Thunderbirdless version of International Rescue, is in line for a Tight Git of the Month award after advertising for a minion, who will be expected to toil for 3 months for bugger all in the way of cash.

Some pop person has fallen out with her dad. Cue a picture of the rattenkrantz we don't give. If we can be bothered to look.

The Cerne Abbas giant—the chalk figure with a 17-foot dong on a Dorset hillside—isn't a Roman tribute to the legendary Hercules, the Xperts now reckon. It dates back to the year 900 ± 200 years and it is a depiction of an Angular Saxon god called Heil or good health.
   The Rugby Football Union has banned its members from visiting the area because the white, male Saxon connection is seen as anti-diversionary.

Shares in firms manufacturing missles are rocketing upwards as the latest Arab-bashing episode in the Middle East escalates. This process is being helped on by Pres. Sleepy Joe refusing to let the UN Security Council condemn Israel's warmongering.
“If it wasn't for the American shield, the 'Uman Bluddy Rights & War Crimes court @ The Hague would be on permanent overtime.” Christo Ferren

The Serious Sir didn't win the day in Northern Ireland. Instead, the Democratic Unionists in the province & Westmonster went for The Poots, a notorious creationist and hard-liner, as their leader. He is seen as someone who will take no crap from the IRA.
   He is also a man happy with the job he's doing. He has announced that he will stay on as agriculture minister in the N.I. assembly when the present party leader quits next month and he'll let someone else be the cosmetic First Minister.

Q: Why does booze have an Arabic name—Al Cohol—if Arabs are not supposed to touch it?
A: They used to be mighty boozers but the prophet Mohammet put a stop to it. Well, in theory, if not in practice.

Not much changes
Back in the autumn of 2003, the EFU's management did a survey of its member states; there were just 15 at the time; and asked them to pick the greatest threat to world peace.
   The answer that came back wasn't China, Iraq, Iran, North Korea or Russia, it was Israel.
   Natch, the EFU tried to suppress this information. But failed miserably.
Something else the EFU was doing in this period was insisting that kilts are frocks for the purposes of its pointless accounting procedures.

“Whatever happened to crop circles? Are aliens no longer interested in us? Or are the designs we get now just dull & boring & too obviously fake and not worth reporting any more?” Synthetic Obama

No refuge
New freedom of speech laws will mean big bucks for college lecturers who are forced out of a job by the cancel culture. Cancelled students will also be able to reclaim tuition fees. Universities which foster the cancellation culture to polish wokosity credentials are beginning to shiver in their boots.

Wot a treat
The Britisch taxpayer has been saddled with finding £100K/year + inflation to keep Butcher of Bosnia R. Karaditch in gaol until he croaks. Now 75, the bastard will probably klingon until he's 90 just to spite us.

Q: If you're trying to sue the MoD for £4 million for turning you into a hopeless cripple, who can't stand up without a walking stick, what should you avoid?
A: Being videoed dancing & larking about and proving there's nothing wrong with you.

Cover-up Queen rapped
Dockson of Dick Green, the failed commish of the Met, has been labelled as big a fantasist as the gaoled 'Nick' Beech. That's the verdict on her attempt before a gang of MPs to shed all blame for the disgrace that was Operation Midland, which trashed reputations and cost the Met, and the taxpayer, a fortune in compenbloodysation payments to libelled customers.

The wonk who came up with the idea of making eateries work out how many calories are in each serving is to be horse-whipped as soon as President Boris can find a horse. The daft, time-wasting idea has now been grotted upon from a great height.

Q: How do you fool a Tesla self-drive car into thinking there's someone in the driver's seat?
A: Tap the steering wheel occasionally with your foot whilst sprawling in the back seat.

A salute to the bloke who described Wee Burney as one seat short of a majority. Nice change from sandwiches and picnics.

What's the big deal about sea salt? It's just contaminated NaCl extracted from water that fisch and other aquatic creatures have whizzed and crapped in.

There’s no pleasing all of the customers all of the time
Just over 50% of the population want locko to be over so they can get on with things.
   About one-third don't want restrictions to be lifted too quickly to prevent something awful from happening. And 14% are quite happy being locked in and not having to bother with other people. And they would like to see locko kept going permanently. Oooh-Ra!

President Bidet has cancelled an executive order protecting US national monuments and statues from vandalism because it was issued by President Trump. Vandals will no longer be punished to the full Xtent of Federal law and there is a rumour circulating to the effect that they may become eligible for Federal grants to further their activities.
   Sleepy Joe is clearly applying the attitude which the British looney left has to our national heroes & benefactors to his own nation's good guys—he's against celebrating their lives & achievements and doesn't want anyone to remember them.

Grand ’Ol Duke of York approach?
Scottish Labour has been advised to seek a 3rd way in Scotland as it has no chance of taking votes from pro-independence Gnats 'n' Greens or pro-Union Tories. Halfway in and halfway out of the Union whilst all the way in to the EFU?

Prince Hairy is rumoured to be receiving therapy @ a Californian clinic specializing in severe whingeoholics. Thus anything he says should be ignored until he is certified to be sound of mind and judgement.
“This explains why he keeps moaning about lack of privacy whilst flaunting himself shamelessly for any meeja mug who taps him up.” Crewed O'Missle

Q: Did the commies in Sovietstan really beat the Narzis all on their own in the 1940s, as Putin the Poisoner claims?
A: No, the Narzis were seen off by big green aliens from the Planet Zarg and the Sovyetskis made no contribution what so ever to their downfall.

Local authorities are avoiding spending cash on social care by taking so long to process claims that there is always an excellent chance that the claimant will croak long before the bureaucrazy is completed.

Weird message from Her Godness
The Office for National Sadistics has done its sums and concluded that atheists & agnostics are least likely to be killed by the Chinese plague. Moslems are most at risk, then Hindus, Sikhs, Jews and Christians in that order.

The Greeks would have had a word for it
A lady enjoying the visual anonymity of the wireless, but who was clearly an apologist for China and its neighbours, was hurling the term 'sinophobia' around as if it were a medical condition with overtones of illegality strapped on.
   She was clearly trying to set it alongside concepts such as homophobia, which are applied to people who have a distaste for the practice referred to rather than a fear of it. In the case of sinophobia, however, it is perfectly reasonable to fear and shun a culture which casually brews up a disease to which humans have no defence and spreads it around the world.
   Maybe we need to strike back by cancelling this spurious phobia and its purveyors and hit the apologists for China with kinadeespeesto—a mistrust of China.
[Which is putting it rather mildly in the current circumstances. Ed.]

Today’s lookalikes are?
Both work on TV, one rather more seriously than the other.

Recruitment agencies are in open warfare to hoover up non-beano snoflakes to fulfil diversity quotas. Things are now so bad, and there are so many dirty tricks being played, that it is more like a state of warunfair.

Severe dereliction
The Money Claim Online service is in big trouble for endorsing a spurious claim for damages against President Boris from a serial litigant.
   No sackings are expected for misconduct in a public office as the legislation assumes that the victim of the claim is guilty if he/she, or the minion responsible for extracting vexatious mail, fails to notice that a spurious claim has been made. No sackings of legislation drafters are expected either.
   The litigant is reported to have an unrelenting conviction that she is owed money by everyone; millions of pounds in some cases; and she is prepared to sue everyone else on The Planet as many times as necessary to get what she thinks she has coming.

“It doesn't say much for the natives of the US West Coast if they think Prince Hairy & 'er indoors are the bee's knees rather than a pair of demented whingeistas.” Santi Argo

Q: Do the looney left go to a lavasocialist rather than a lavatory?
A: No, they go to a lavacommie.
“If you're really posh, an apbogkrankel is always a loo, which is totally apolitical.” Pete Boggs (no relation)
“People who can't bring themselves to say W.C. go 'orf to the West Coast', which has the same initials.” Malder Mare
“If you think apbogkrankel takes too long to say, you need to get a life.” Jock Yewlar

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Q: If you're an illegal immigrant from India, where is a good place to be?
A: A rachelist mob in Glasgow will intimidate the Border Force into not busting you if you are spotted.

Prince Hairy has upset the Yanks big time by calling their First Amendment to the Sacred Constitution 'bonquers'. He doesn't think freedom of the press is all that great an idea. Especially if it lets people write their version of the truth about him.

Q: What do you call an American journalist who hurls a quotation @ Prince Hairy but can't credit the source?
A: A lazy cow who thinks she's too posh to ask Mr. Internet.

Diddums
The once serious train company LNER has come under fire for taking seriously, a complaint by a wonk about a train announcement directed @ ladies & gentlemen. The wonk, claiming not to be either, threw a wobbly at being left out. And some wonk at the company promptly offered a grovelling apology and about 10 yards of BS about diversity.

Forward planning
China has staked a claim to Mars with the landing of a carrier bearing a rover vehicle named for the Chinese god of fire. The rover is thought to be hosting a virus which will thrive in the conditions on Mars and any potential settlers on the Red Planet are going to have to buy an expensive immunization process from the Chinese regime of the day before they embark on a Musk Interplanetary Express journey to their new home.

It’s their choice, let them live with it. Or not.
President Boris is being told in no uncertain terms by his ministers and party members that unlocko has to take place on June 21st.
   The usual-suspect Death Doctors are whining that the Indian variant of the Chinese plague [all three of them Ed.] 'could' do in people who have refused to be vaccinated on non-medical grounds.
   If so, tough.

Q: How can you tell if you are not a serious diarist?
A: If, like M. Palin, you have to invent something daft to do to give yourself something to write about, you need to get a life.

More forward planning? Nope!
A claim that maggots may have to be cultivated on an industrial scale to tackle global malnutrition is being laughed out of Xistence on a number of grounds.
   As any fule kno, the problem with food is one of distribution rather than production. Also, maggots are none of your 5-a-day. Or is it 10?

Q: If you are accused of systematic bullying, what's your best defence?
A: A robust assertion that you get a bit kranky at times, like everyone else, and it is your 'uman bluddy right to do so.

Just so you know
We have received some flak about using the term 'diversionaries' to describe those who seek to clog everything up with meaningless diversity. We would point out that the aim of diversionaries is to deflect attention away from things that really matter; quality, fitness for purpose, etc.; and toward frivolities, cosmetics and control freakery, by and large.
   So we're not going to stop doing it.

Cover-upz R Uz
The current & former bosses of the Metropolitan police are lobbying frantically to prevent a proper inquiry into their abuses, and those of their ally the Labour MP T. Watson, during and after the failed attempt to create a child abuse ring of Top People. De-Dameing Dockson of Dick Green could be high on the list of things that really need to be done.

Q: Should Dave the ex-Leader take any notice of the poncified control freaks who want him to stop adding his personal tag to text messages?
A: No, he should do as the rest of us do and invite them to go and do something as obscene as it is physically challenging, and then ignore them completely.

Cruel & unusual can be okayed
A judge in New York has ruled that it is fine for the staff of the notorious Metropolitan Detention Centre to stress-test former socialight G. Maxwell by shining a torch in her face every 15 minutes, day & night.
   To ban this activity, presumably, would be to deprive the screws of their 'uman bluddy right to give in to sadistic instincts.

Wee Burney Sturgeon has reshuffled her no-hopers and put the guy who presided over the shambles that is education in Scotland in charge of screwing up the economy even more.

Gesture politics
Italy's caretaker prime monster is so fabulously rich that he has decided to do the job for free and not claim the €110K+ salary.
   This is supposed to be a bloke with an annual income north of half a million quid and 10 residences to choose from showing solidarity with impoverished peasants, who have been hit by the Chinese plague-induced recession & general social collapse in Italia.

Anatomically challenged
H. Beckett, who is seeking to be the boss of the Unite trade union, and who wants to deport Home Sec. P. Patel [where to if she was born here? Ed.] would have us believe that he doesn't have a rachelist bone in his body.
   This opens up a couple of possibilities. 1. He doesn't have 'a' rachelist bone, they're all rachelist. 2. The rachelist bones are in his arms & legs & especially in his head.

One day, we're being told that formula baby milk is a bad idea. The next, the message is that parents are panicking because it's in short supply. Further proof that you're not supposed to win.

WEEK 2     WEEK 2     WEEK 3     WEEK 4

 
“99p for a cup of coffee made from 3 beanz? 10/10 for honesty in advertising but is has to be 0/10 for Value For Money.” Meg Alodon

“£6.25 plus 3 quid for postage to get hold of a Royal British Legion commemorative 50p coin? That sounds like a dead bargain!” King Sland

The 'poor me' card hasn't worked and Princess Di scammer M. BashedEar is no longer part of the BBC.
The BBC has continued its policy of obfuscation & cover-up by binning a Panorama exposé of the misdeeds of the then top BBC bods following the exposure of BashedEar's duplicity and their complicity in it until it had lost all news value.
Judge Dyson's hoover job on the BBC confirmed that BashedEar let everyone down with his duplicity and the Beeb's bosses let everyone down with their cover-up & character assassinations. But no heads are expected to roll and no ex-bosses will lose their peerage or gong(s).

Today's Definition: isobar—a pub where all the drinks are the same price.

Awful Warning:—if you spend too much time on a doolally doctor's couch, you turn into a whingeista mental elf with a big hole in your bank balance, like Prince Hairy.

The Daft Quote of the Week:—comes from a pub landlord in Huddersfield. "Boris stole our Christmas". No, you berk, it was the Chinese plague. Pay attention!

Q: Does it embarrass the prime monster if his £840/roll wallpaper won't stay stuck to the walls of his Downing Street Den?
A: Of course not. Any embarrassment belongs to the minion who failed to use enough wallpaper paste.

The operators of Heathrow & Gatwick airports think it's a brilliant idea to mix potential plague carriers arriving from Red List countries with people arriving from safer countries.

A singist we haven't heard of has decided that she doesn't want to be either sex. Good luck with that.

A range of stylish sports bras is to be issued to female recruits to the Britisch Army. It is believed that fat male squaddies with wobbly upper bitz will also be supplied with support on diversity grounds.

Be warned!
All those individuals who insist on being referred to as 'they' are suffering from delusions of grandeur and usurping the Royal 'We'. This could well be made an offence under a new Descriptions of the Person Act, which is currently in preparation, and incur a hefty fine and a lengthy period of quarantine in the Traitor Pit @ the Tower of London.
“Definitely sounds like these bozos are taking the Royal Wee!” Pak Panther
“Pandering to the people who indulge in petty nuisance tactics just encourages more of it.” Uart de Ferq
“Pandering is a criminal offence in the Untied States. Maybe we should be locking up the panderers & nuisances here.” Voodoslavsky

Whither Prince Hairy after the Yanks get fed up with his whinges & BS? He could always try Africa. The darker the better.
“Prince Hairy now comes across as a self-obsessed wimp who wouldn't dare to say boo! to the skin on a rice pudding. In fact, his upper lip is very like the immature skin on a baking rice pudding—totally flabby and no stiffness at all.” Upp Tite
“This can't possibly be the same bloke who was charging around Afghanistan, sorting out the Taliban, not so long ago.” Armi Gallow

Today's Killer Quote: "Birds of a feather should flock off."
Lt. Provenza in Major Crimes (series 5, episode 11, 2016).

BashedEar, who has been characterized elsewhere as a poisoned dwarf, now claims he's not to blame. So all the fuss can stop now?

“If half of the population has seen online abuse in the past year, as BT Sport would have us believe, then half the population needs to get a proper life and stop messing about on the internet.” Sput Nik

Q: Some bloke with a strong Indian accent rings up and gives you a spiel about replacing gas boilers over 7 years old free via a government scheme. What do you do?
A: If you're busy, tell him your boiler is only 2 years old and he'll make his excuses and ring off. If you're not busy, lead him on and find out exactly where the scam comes in to it.

Three houses in Heysham demolished by a gas explosion. Imagine what the devastation would have been like had it been an explosion of the hydrogen alternative to natural gas, which the Warmists are trying to foist off on us.

Can the BBC be reformed and made fit for purpose again? Given the state it is in, this is unlikely without a complete change of staff and managers.

Microsoft inventor and zillionaire W. Gates seems to be getting the Dirty Old Man treatment from all sides after shedding his wife. The way things are going, he could be even more thoroughly Wheensteened or Epsteined than anyone else on The Planet by the end of next month.
   Mr. Gates is also being positioned as a Seriously Deluded Hombre, who is alleged by his denigraters to have thought the late J. Epstein could blag a Nobel Prize for him.

What is it that M. BashedEar knows that forced BBC bosses to ignore his many crimes against the truth, honesty & decency? It must be something particularly terrible/disgusting/poisonous/illegal if he got the old kid glove treatment for so many decades and re-hired after his Diana Deception was revealed.

Palace of wonkism rather than learning
You have to wonder about the quality of the teaching at Oxo Uni if those doing it are trying to cancel traditional Britisch measures like feet, inches and pints because the wonks think these measures were a product of the slave trade and the Britisch Empire, hooray, hooray, and not units created hundreds or thousands of years earlier.

PM 4 Life
The attempts by B. Ne10yahoo to bomb his way into a permanent job as Israel's prime monster have given a huge boost to the anti-Semitic lobby in the UK. Shouting abuse @ Jews in the areas where they congregate is now a booming growth industry among the Corbynistas.

Sleepy Joe has told the Israelis to cease fire or no more bombs will be forthcoming to replace the ones used up on Gaza, which is now receiving American aid.
The Israeli honcho's bluff has been called over sending troops to invade Gaza. The casualty figures, Ne10yahoo was reminded, would demolish beyond repair, his hopes to be PM 4 Life.

Q: How do you inflate the price @ auction of a key with a metal label from the wartime Reich's Chancellery in Berlin?
A: Claim it could maybe might have been the key to Mr. Hitler's personal & private apbogkrankel.

There are 6 birds for every human on The Planet, according to the latest guess by the bean counters. This violates the Species Equemtocy Convention and steps are being taken to reduce the ratio to a more reasonable 1:1 by 2042.

The latest brilliant idea for carbon cancelling is to replace a gas boiler with one using microwaves to heat the water. The major problem with this is that electricity costs 3x more than gas, kiloJoule for kJ. But the people behind the scheme have a solution—use overnight electricity, which is cheaper. [But still not as cheap as gas. Ed.]
   Thus customers for the brilliant new scheme will have to have their heating system going full blast for 7 night-time hours when they are tucked up in bed, and they'll have to hope that the charge of heat built up in their dwelling lasts until they crawl back into bed at the end of the following day.
“There are going to be a lot of frozen to death poor people before the world rises up in revolt and the Warmists end up dangling from lamp posts with politicians, lawyers and trade union leaders.” Stew D'Olive
“It's going to need a crApp to tell the system how much overnight energy it needs to store to last through the next day. Which means something the size of a weather forecasting supercomputer strapped on to the microwave boiler.” Maria Mould

Open season on Those People begins shortly . . .

A Japanese company has created a space-saver toilet roll which is 6x longer than the standard 50 metre boggo rollo sold in supermarkets here. This has been achieved, according to reports, by eliminating the cardboard tube at the heart of conventional boggo rollos.
   The Great New Thing is likely to cost 8x more than current products if it goes on sale here and it is too wide to fit most Britisch holders, which are designed for a standard 105 mm product. But apart from that, it's a brilliant idea. Sort of.
   Only those desperate for diversion are expected to go for it.

You are safe from the Chinese plague outdoors because fresh air, the Xperts reckon, blows virus particles away. But where to?
   They have to go somewhere. And where that is has to be something we definitely need to be told.

How unexpected!
An independent NHS assessor has found that 80% of the 'health' Apps on pocket phones are, in fact, just CrApps, which fail to meet basic quality standards and which may be doing the customer bad rather than good.
   There is currently no regulation system for such electronic gadgets and not likely to be one anytime soon.

App or CrApp?
It's official—most medical Apps are actually harmful
Get yourself a CrAppBuster™ to spot the ones that work
Romiley Gadgets, 3a Riverside Drive

Q: If everyone in Bolton, where the Chinese plague is rampant, has to go outside more, does that mean the virus particles they exhale will be blown into the surrounding districts and infect them too?
A: Sounds logical.

Distribution centres for McDonuts are being blockaded by veggie terrorists. The police, as usual, are as useful as chocolate teapots.

Today's definition: bolger—someone who blogs but makes a bog of it
“bogger—internet diarist who is no good at it.” Sal Vador

It is illegal for the Britisch Army to order its customers to have a plague vaccination. But refuseniks can be ruled 'unfit to soldier' and it isn't illegal to give them the push. This revelation has absolutely outraged the 'uman bluddy rights mob.

Challenged, but not as advertised
Plague hotspot Bolton has been identified as 330th in a list of 379 local authorities because the place seems to be full of unhealthy criminals. But does it deserve the description of 'deprived'?
   Not if it comes 30th of the 379 in terms of access to transport & access to broadband communications. What is wrong with the place seems to be all to do with the people living there and nothing much to do with everyone else conspiring to do them down.

Q: Non-Fungible Tokens—what's that all about?
A: They are something that don't exist in the real world and therefore fungus can't grow on them.

Don’t be fooled
The latest conspiracy theory from the Refusenik & plague-spreader lobby is that there is no dangerous Indian variant (or 3) of the Chinese plague going around and taking over from the Kent variant. It's just a scare story concocted by a government intent on microchipping its customers and messing about with their DNA.
[To what object has yet to be revealed. Ed.]

Q: Which is going to win, the campaign to build lotz more houses for illegal immigrants or the campaign to plant lotz of trees everywhere in the name of pretending to capture carbon?
A: Trees will have to be planted on land which doesn't flood, which means that new housing will be built on flood plains and all the migrants will drown eventually, which will reduce their carbon footprint considerably.

The next lock-in could be a response to cases of a new variety of influenza rather than the Chinese plague. NHS customers are now twice as likely to die of flu or pneumonia than from the Chinese plague.

Q: What is the difference between 22 footballers doing the Knee of Shame in support of dead American criminals and 2 footballers waving Palestinian flags?
A: Dead criminals are currently fashionable, Palestinians, dead or alive, aren't.

The process of spotting people hurling litter from vehicles is to be automated by getting computer software to scan CCTV footage and collect vehicle registration numbers. The yield from fixed penalty tickets is expected to soar when the system is up & running.

International enjoyment
A 1,000-foot building in the Chinese city of Shenzhen is becoming a tourist attraction, but only for the brave. The building has suddenly started swaying for periods of up to an hour for no apparent reason which the regime is prepared to disclose.
   Earthquakes have been ruled out but shoddy construction hasn't.

Illegal regime in Byelaruss uses fake bomb threat to hijack RyanGrounded flight to Lithuania in order to kidnap one of the passengers, who's a political enemy of the Blessed Leader. Putinstan's position as World's No. 1 Bad Guy looking precarious. But at least the enemy hasn't been poisoned. Yet.

Q: If a double negative is a positive, why don't two wrongs make a right?
A: Two negatives in succession cancel each other out. There is no guarantee that two successive wrongs will be connected and self-cancelling. And the way The Universe is known to work, they are more likely to make a bad situation worse than improve things.

A mere 20% of the French population are determined vaccine refuseniks. Not that it matters. As the other 80% are finding out, President MacRon and the EFU are still making a shambles of the vaccine rollout.

Q: Why has the Warmist 2C total climate disaster guaranteed limit been reduced to 1.5C?
A: Because BS looks more scientific with a decimal point.
“Even though eating 2 carrots is much better for you than eating only one and a half carrots?” Elly DeGenerate
A2: Precisely!
[Vocemgeigast'v, or what. Ed.]

Q: What exactly is a truth bomb?
A: It's a fake news description of fake news.

All change; sort of
Notwork Rail is to be replaced by Really Great British Rail (RGBR) in the near future.
   Customers of the railway industry are not expected to see much difference as the same old, same old trade unions will still be buggering everything up.
   Also, the same old, same old private companies will still be providing the trains, if on somewhat different financial terms.
As well as being in charge of railway furniture; tracks, stations, tunnels, etc.; RGBR will be responsible for timetables & fare levels everywhere.
A spokes for the Britisch Passengers' Alliance warned that "taxpayers' money will still leak out of the industry in the form of ransom payments to greedy unions".

Q: Is the Britisch average of the equivalent of 120 bottles of wine per year a high alcohol consumption rate?
A: Drinking a glass containing one-quarter of a bottle with dinner every day adds up to 91 bottles per year. Which puts the average at one and one-third glasses of wine per day. Not excessive at all. Stop panicking now.

Q: How did M. BashedEar get away with it?
A: Because he's diverse.

GM cosmetic mayor Jonah Burnham as Sir Kreepy Steamer's successor as Führer of the Labour party? He'll make the late and unlamented O.J. Corbynstein look competent & balanced!

They’re here! Panic! Panic! Panic!
Things are going wrong in Sleepy Joeland. That's the obvious conclusion to draw from ex-President O'Bummer popping out of his money factory to try to get us interested in UFOs.
   The government of the Untied States has pix of flying object they can't; or won't; Xplain. The big problem for those who claim they are aliens sizing us up for an invasion is why here? Why not somewhere more interesting?
   And the Big Question for the rest of us is what is Sleepy Joe's gang hoping to distract our attention from?

A message from H.M. Government

Some headbanger is Xpected to pay $250K, or even more, for the Fedora hat worn by H. Ford when playing the adventurer Inbanana Jones in moving pictures when it is sold @ an auction of Hollywood stuff.

“All these celebs telling us how they like their Yorkshire puddings is all v. artificial. When I were a lad, we got nobbut Yorkshires at every meal. Gravy on't? Only @ Xmas.” Garth Vador

Tonite's TV Thrill: The Dan Vinci Toad
An ancient and evil golden icon is the key to the future of the Catholic Church and to the Vatican's very survival. [4.5 stars]

Unfair!
Divorce lawyers are complaining that they are unable to gouge enough cash out of their customers because the other sides are hiding assets in the imaginary world of Bitcoins and other cryptocurrencies.

The government's Chief of GW swindles, A. 'Air Miles' Sharma, would have us believe that even small changes in the way we go about our lives can make a difference in cutting our emissions. But he failed to add that the difference will be totally insignificant and meaningless.
   But hey! He's a politician and therefore a total stranger to the truth and reality.
“Small changes such as drawing breath half as often to reduce our carbon dioxide emissions by half?” By Tmee

Q: Just how much difference will all the carbon neutrality posturing in the UK make?
A: It's like someone who's standing in the path of a charging rhino thinking: "What can I do? I know, I'll trim my fingernails." As effective as that.

Today's Creature is the Massive Aisled Rodent

Despite the Duck House on expenses scandal, MPs are still abusing their parliamentary exes, especially Labour MPs, and the 'watchdogs' are still not biting. Fancy phones and equipment to make propaganda videos to show on ViewTube, FakeBuk, etc. are common abuses.

The prison guards who took a night off from monitoring gaoled financier J. Epstein when he was done to death, are not going to prison after a deal was struck to avoid embarrassing the notorious New York prison system further.

No Thanks Rulz, OK
The Russian Sputnik vaccine for the Chinese plague is having trouble finding domestic customers in Putinstan. Just 10% of the population has had one shot of it and 75% don't want any of it.
   Why not? Because Putin the Poisoner is promoting it and everyone knows just how trustworthy he is.

The Royal Academy of Music has been dumped in the joke pile for cancelling the great & good G.F. Handel. The National Trust is there already for cancelling competent curators and trying to replace them with slavery obsessed wonks.

NASA is hoping to create a low-boom supersonic airliner, which will be able to cross the Atlantic in 3 hours @ Mach 1.4.
   The new flying machine will be slower than Concorde but able to fly over the continental Untied States @ supersonic speed because it will create a gentle thump @ ground level rather than a BOOM!
“Will it be able to carry enuff batteries to get it across the Atlantic when jet fuel is cancelled?” Scart Issue
“And will there be room for enuff passengers to make it a paying proposition if it has to lug all them batteries around?” Faz Ackeley

BBC now = BashedEar Broadcasting CrApp?

Q: "Three-quarters of your drink is mixer" means what?
A: Buy a fancy mixer and you're paying for vastly overpriced water.

Not much changes
During the post-World War One Weimar hyper-inflationary period in Germany, the Reichsbank printed a 10,000 Mark note featuring a work by A. Dürer entitled "Portrait of a Young Man". Almost. In fact, the engraver created a vampire with its mouth open at the man's neck as a protest against France sucking the life out of his country via the Treaty of Versailles.
   Something to think about when considering the quotation: "The BBC need have no morals as long as it can suck financial life blood from the Britisch public."

Is an agriculture deal with Australia, half a world away with seasons 180 degrees out of phase with outs, a threat to British farmers? Only to the Bremoaners of their trade union, who want us back in the EFU.

Is there actually unconscious bias? Or is there actually only control freakery by basically evil people?

Q: What do you get if you let the French build a nuclear power station for you, say @ Hinkley Point in Somerset?
A: A switch-on date of June 2026, which has turned out to be a joke and could be May 2029 or even October 2033. In other words, bugger all electricity when you were told to expect it.

One does get the feeling that the Chinese government will go along with all sorts of aspects of the Warmist agenda if it's to their immediate advantage now. But 15-20 years down the line, when the rest of the world realizes they haven't done any of it, the then government will just look surprised @ the thought of anyone being mug enough to believe their predecessors meant it.

“Bonehead Burnham as Labour's next leader—is that before or after our current cosmetic mayor screws up the transport system in Greater Manchester?” Profi Gans

Loss for Those People
The statue of benefactor Cecil Rhodes will remain in place @ Oriel College, Oxford, in compliance with the Baying Mobs Rejection Protocol. And Rhodes Scholarships will no longer be offered to those likely to fail to appreciate properly the benefits they convey.

The Rhodes Must Fall agitators have been branded anti-white rachelists of the worst sort, who fail to appreciate the work which C. Rhodes and his contemporaries did to bring civilization to southern Africa.

What really stiffened the backs of the college's administrators was the imminent collapse of its finances as former inmates took their charitable donations elsewhere. No Rhodes, no statue, no scholarships and no fat salaries for the management.

Just to be clear, the nation's railways are not to be renationalized as this was a blunder of monumental proportions. They are to be simplified to address the current lunatic fares system and provide some element of punctuality. That's the story, anyway.
Any MP who claims that the reorganization is a missed opportunity is someone with nothing constructive to offer and stalling until his/her minions come up with something.

Faking documents and faking news has been common practice at the BBC for decades but, paradoxically, everyone working there is honest & honourable.
“We need a BBC we can trust. Sadly, we don't have one and don't look like getting one anytime soon.” Pot O'Mac

The Tories are being done over for not thinking all Moslems, including the exploding ones, are the bee's knees to balance the Labour party's lack of appreciation for Semites. President Boris's efforts as a journalist are being mined frantically by those eager to create a smokescreen of de peffel

Moslem women are being encouraged to charge around on Boris Bikes to upgrade their profile.

Sign of the Times: Fat Freddy in the Beano will be just Freddy, rather than Fatty, in future. But he will still be drawn @ twice the bulk of the other Bash Street Kids.

Black Lives Matter agitator shot @ random by black criminals in Peckham, London, and put in hospital. Definitely random with no targetting, say Metropolitan Police despite attempts by customers to attach death threats to the event. No one is supposed to notice the strange symmetry.

Fake news warning
Attention all customers of the BBC! Everything you have been told over the last 50 years is suspect and you should disregard it unless you can obtain independent confirmation from a credible source.

+ + + Desperate Dom Cummings sinks government line on plague tactics + + + If there was something to get wrong, they did + + + Health Sec. M. Hancock belongs in gaol for lying left, right, centre & in every other direction + + +
+ + + Desperate Dom dismissed by government as allegation farmer + + + Long on sound & fury & sour grapes, deficient in proof and solid evidence + + +

Bolton might get away with its surge of plague cases without hospitals & morgues filling up. Maybe.

Seedless lemons are here! A nation rejoices! No more hunting for pips in your fish after showering it with L.J. A naturally unseedy mutation was spotted in Australia and it is now being grown in South Africa & Spain.
Not even remotely new
Hang About! BFN had an item about seedless lemons back in April 2004. They were on sale in 'limited quantities'. Probably because mugs were being charged 260% of the price of the seedful sort.

“It is only fair that Ameriqua should pay for rebuilding Gaza if it was their Weapons of Mass Devastation that wrecked the joint.” Bin Garden

Out of the archives: Formula One was being written off as a bit dull and predictable back in March 2004. Plus ça change . . . .
Also: Male coppers in Hampshire were throwing major wobblies over their Chief Constable imposing a dress code, which included a ban on . . . earrings!

Things from 2004 that didn’t catch on

FMD ATA is an expression of incredulity. [F**k Me, Doris! Ain't That Amazing?]
IDK KFO is a standard message for pests. [I Don't (wish to) Know (that). Kindly F**k Off!]

It’s all about the money
80% of the population of Japan, which has a Chinese plague vaccination rate of just 4%, are dismayed by the prospect of an invasion of thousands of potential plague variant spreaders to stage the postponed Olympic Games.
   Another area of concern is the impending disappearance of 10,000 staff from hospitals to act as servants for the competitors, their entourages, the meeja mob and the hangers on of the International Olympic Committee.
   The Japanese government is dumping the blame on the IOC, which is desperate for dosh to unload on its freeloaders. Although there won't be crowds in the stadia for the Olympic events, the IOC expects to make a heap of cash out of the TV rights. And if that means putting a few Japs in hospital with the plague, tough.

+ + + Trial of Hillsborough Cover-Up 3 collapses in Salford Crown Court + + + Judge tossed case against 2 former top coppers & solicitor + + + No case to answer, he said + + + Can't Prosecute Service in dock for not spotting this and blowing 10 million quid of taxpayers' cash + + +
“There should be wholesale sackings @ the Can't Prosecute Service over its latest fiasco—a judge taking one look at the 'evidence' and declaring there was no case to answer for the confected Hillsborough cover-up.
   “If that really is £10 million of taxpayers' cash down the drain, the wonks who didn't spot that their case was totally defective should be made to pay it.” Sponso Radog

“The NASA that's building the low-boom supersonic airliner. Is that the same NASA that took the concept of a space shuttle and turned it into a pig's ear? If so, it will probably end up louder than Concorde ever was.”

A TV show asked the question: George Floyd: Murder or Justice?
To which the obvious answer is: No, nothing like justice as long as the subsequent rioting, arson & looting by criminal populations remains unpunished.

M. Moseley, son of the fascism fancier O., had been grimly reaped at the age of 81. The former Formula One bigwig is notorious for trying to geld Her Majesty's Press after The News of the Screws shone a searchlight on a private life which he found Xtremely embarrassing to have Xposed to public scrutiny.
   Grim reaping of the NoTS followed as a result of efforts by Those People to conceal the grubbiness of their nasty lives. But their efforts to achieve total control of HMP flopped.

WEEK 2     WEEK 2     WEEK 3     WEEK 4     WEEK 5

 
There are definitely mugs with lotz of cash and no sense around if one paid $750,000 for the non-fungicidal token belonging to an old video clip of 2 kids larking about which is less than a minute long.

The EFU, being a totally useless collection of bozo burrocraps, is trying to force AstraZeneca to cough up billions of doses of the Oxford vaccine for the Chinese plague even though the EFU's own burrocraps, and those of places like France & Germany, have left their customers too scared to want it thanks to boneheaded fake news campaigns.

Not another false dawn?
Remember fusion power? Which was on offer in the 1970s as a way to provide the world with clean energy before the fossil fuels ran out? It's back in the news with a system that deals with the enormous heat generated by the fusion reaction.
   Titanium tiles and magnetic fields are used to channel the helium produced. The tiles have the highest possible melting point but they can't be exposed to the fusion temperature for very long. Otherwise, that's zillions more on the budget for replacements.
   The 'breakthrough' is all to do with actually using that enormous amount of heat to generate electricity. Despite the optimism, don't expect anything much before 2040. Don't expect much even then. Maybe by 2400 . . .

Getting the job done
Sniffer dogs are to be moved up and down airport queues to spot plague cases. Anyone the dogs dislike; they have a 94% success rate; will be seized firmly with tongs, manoeuvred into a car park and quarantined in a heavy-duty plastic bag until a PCR test result is obtained.
   Queue lingering times could be reduced from 5 hours to as little as 90 minutes if the procedure proves to be successful and reliable.

Admiral T. Radakin of the Untied States has been cheeked by idiots for saying that China & Russia are responsible nations. Well, they are. Responsible, that is.
   Responsible for sponsoring terrorism around to the world to promote communism. Responsible for stealing technology wholesale. Responsible (China) for unleashing a global plague pandemic. Need we go on?

Q: Why should taxpayers be lumbered with paying for social care so those with assets can pass them on to their family? [Presumably asked by someone assetless. Ed.]
A: Because the unfortunate and the feckless wouldn't get any social care? Except from charities which have no connection with the state systems.
“Expecting people with assets to pay 50% more than paupers funded by their local council is a shameful abuse.” Gnat Alley

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+ + + Grenadier Cummings dumps blame for not closing borders in March 2020 on rachelism industry + + + Rachelists had brainwashed government into fearful state of inertia + + + Admits that COBRA Committee leaked like sieve because he was in it! + + + Plans to return to Downing Street as PM's chief advisor in chief when teenage Chancellor R. Snack gets job + + +
“The only trouble with Desperate Dom's story that his road trip Up North was a response to death threats is that it could have been deployed at the time. Trotting it out now just looks like a 'the dog ate my homework' excuse.” Luke Inglass

“It's all very easy for the people who want to be the government, and would be the government if only the rotten electorate would vote for them, to wallow in hindsight and rattle on about absence of competence on the part of the government when dealing with the Chinese plague.
   “What undermines them, however, is their failure to admit that there was an absence of malice on the part of the current government and, having the same scientists telling them stuff and the same civil service screwing things up, they would have done no better.” Arnol Dator

“The strategy of Grenades Cummings seems to be to hoover up every frivolous remark he noted down or remembers (he claims) and present it as serious government policy. But he's showering us with so many grenades that he's making it obvious what he's up to and there just isn't the impact of a couple of well-chosen and apparently irrefutable grenades.” Hilla Beenz

Q: You're a bishop no one has heard of. How do you get a mention in the newspapers?
A: Poke your nose into BashedEargate and take pops at Prince William & the government. Then sink back into obscurity.

Images of Major General Sir Henry Havelock of Indian Mutiny fame, General Sir Charles James Napier, another soldier, not the logarithms guy, and King George IV on a horse all decorate plinths in Trafalgar Square. There were plans to put King William IV, also on a horse, on the 4th plinth but they couldn't raise the cash.
   Fast forward to now and that vacant plinth is doomed to be filled with a load of old rubbish, which will be seen as a crushing comment on the collapse of aesthetic standards in the last several decades.
“A horse's arse pickled in formaldehyde would get the message across quite admirably.” Cam Arraden

“The government appears to be planning to ban gas central heating on the assumption that gorbal warmage will make the need to heat homes disappear. Sounds like the frostbite industry should be booming very shortly.” Djon Conner

The skyjacking dictator of Byelarussia, A. Lucashmachineko, continues to bask behind his Shield of Imperviousness donated by Putin the Pants Poisoner. Assisted by the political shambles that is the EFU and its failure to do anything about him, of course.

The NHS is having to deal with another man-made epidemic—customers with stress fractures due to enthusiastic but inexpert vigorous work-outs @ home.

T. Parker, multimillionaire head of the National Trust, will quit before he's shown the door by objectors to his Wonkism R Uz policies. But he's not going until October, so there's lotz more wonkism time left.
He's also chairman of The Post Office, the outfit which ruined the lives of hundreds of postmasters with claims that they had stolen vast amounts of imaginary cash invented to defective software. No sign of quitting there, though, even though he has been ruled unfit to hold any managerial position at all.

The Kreepy Crew goes into frustration meltdown. An inquisition has failed to pin any rule breaking on President Boris over Creepy Carrie's splurge refurb of the 11, Downing Street living quarters.
   All that Xpenditure of faux outrage & hot air was a complete waste of time and effort. How Xtremely tragic.

The currently fashionable affliction is misphonia—rage triggered by the likes of noisy eating, people tapping pens & other objects on hard surfaces and even people breathing loudly.

No doubts about who our friends are
The usual image of the Europeon states as a unit is a hopeless shambles, which never agrees on anything. But it's remarkable how they unite against a common enemy. Nul Points for the UK in the Eurovision Crap Music Contest. And they even got Israel to join in, even though it's not in Europe.

Heat pumps—the grim truth.
They are vastly inferior to gas central heating systems, the electricity they use is vastly more expensive than gas as a fuel and they work only in insulated homes.
   As a consequence, every dwelling built before the 1950s will have to be demolished and replaced with a new structure as older housing stock cannot be insulated to the required extent.
   This is the sort of grim reality which the Warmists are refusing to face and one of the reasons why they have only lies about the future on offer.

Another Warmist confidence trick is wood-burning power stations, which offer carbon neutrality based on false assumptions and dishonest accounting.

“One day, plagues will embrace diversity. There will be manthrax, womanthrax and every gender-associated weirdness will have its own variant of every disease. And there will be endless arguments over which variant is the most lethal and endless complaints from minorities about how unfair it is that they are dying out faster than other people.” Warren Peas

Another Blast From the Past: Rachelism against white police officers was rampant in 2004 and many of them felt under-appreciated and unable to gain promotions which they deserved.
   Thanks to the diversity cult, nothing much has changed.

The Congo government has dismissed renewed activity @ the volcano to the north of Goma as a mere belch of gas rather than another eruption.
   Move along, there, nothing to see.

Despite locko, thieves in shops were able to help themselves to goods worth getting on for One Billion Quid in the last year. A lack of interest by the nation's police farces, even when an assault was involved, helped greatly.

The Good Thing about not winning the Eurovision Song Stitch-Up is that the fee for next year's farce will be just one million quid rather than the 29 million quid the winner has to blow on staging next year's farce.

Enemyship Rulz, OK!
Putinstan considers the Untied States to be an unfriendly country. Is this their entry for the Bleedin' Obvious Awards for 2021?
   Putin the Pants Poisoner's antics don't Xactly encourage approaching within a million miles, never mind friendship.

Q: What happens if your family is notoriously guilty of making billions from killing 500,000 customers in the Untied States and creating hundreds of thousands of addicts to a drug which was marketed as non-addictive?
A: You spend a couple of hundred of your millions on buying immunity from prosecution and responsibility.

Today's Treat: Seafood burglar with Wisho Washabi.

“It's a joke, that charge of conspiracy to murder the BLAME Bunch lady who was shot during a drive-by in London. Causing injury by reckless discharge of a firearm is what it was.” Bacs Lang
“Quite right. You can't have conspired to kill someone if you were just popping off at random.” Flew Tanie

The US imposes more sanctions on Pres. Lucashmachineko, his allies & Belarus. More pain for Russia's 3 taxpayers as Putin the Poisoner has to do more propping up of one of his sparse collection of pals.

There are now more traffic cones on the roads leading to and serving Snowdonia than there are people living in Wales. Other parts of the UK are in intense competition for what has become a scarce commodity, thanks to the Welsh government's micro-management.

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

If you are still wondering, the lookalikes are Stacey Dooley and Professor Alice Roberts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, May MM21 like anyone cares