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 2021/April 
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 WEEK the FIRST 

 
Brennt Paris?

Brennt Paris?

Far Queue symbolcaption: The French government makes itself popular with the rest of Europe by polluting the skies over the continent with a public bonfire of confiscated & unwanted Chinese plague vaccine doses to prevent them from crossing the Channel to the UK.

Romiley Space AuthoritymarkerThings to come; maybe
Residents of the Moon are now living in fear & trembling. NASA is threatening to fire plague-ridden humans there in 2024 using its monster Space Launch System.
   The trip will take 4 days and each launch will cost taxpayers in the Untied States $1-2 BILLION. Worse, the astronauts will be picked for diversity rather than their technical skills.
   Next stop, Mars. But not for a while.
reader comment“But only if Marsman Musk gives them visas.” #ini Berg

Far Queue symbol Bloody customers! Let them out of locko a bit and what do they do? Fill the nation's parks and empty spaces with litter and pee and crap all over the place.

markerWe have been informed that calling the Duck of Sussex 'Prince Hairy' has been deemed disrespectful. 1. Respect must be earned.
2. How about 'Prince Peeved' instead?
reader comment“Nothing like keeping it in the family. Maz supplying the fake news and Peeved giving it publicity.” Crush Jumbo

marker"That's my bestimate" sounds so much more authoritative than "that's my guestimate".

Official The Metropolitan Police did their job properly and correctly when dispersing the unruly mod of Virgil Victims and arresting those who confected being busted.

Official Pres. MacRon is not at all pleased with his customers. They have let him down badly by spreading the Chinese plague recklessly and making him look a twerp in the court of world opinion.
   Moreover, the Yellow Vest Pests are refusing to go away and their latest demand is for Frexit—for France to get the hell out of the EFU before MacRon can step over the discarded body of Angular Mherkel and proclaim himself King of Yourope.

bulletQ: We all just 'umans, aren't we?
bulletA: Apart from the aliens disguised to look like 'uman, who spread division & discontent & entitlement.

Pointless PelosimarkerMade to order
The real beauty of giving yourself a before & after mental 'elf audit for a particular event is that you can confect with ease, the scores you need to 'prove' any point you want to make.
reader comment“I'm a mental elf and there's nothing I can do about it? Sounds like the perfect alibi for everything.” Par Kinson

markerNo longer wanted on voyage
Yorkshire used to be famous as an area where good sense prevailed. Not any more, if the antics of the parents of customers @ Batley Grammar School and their jihadi mates are anything to go by.
reader comment“Ideally, some imaming days should be over.” Mann Dribble
reader comment“Or done from a gaol cell.” R. Noldator

BombshellOak wrap! Some Japanese impresario lady has decided that virtual art is worthless. So that's $50 MILLION down the drain for the Beeple.

markerSurprise! The lobbying watchdog has done a Wee Burney on Dave the ex-Leader and cleared him of all rule-breaking.
reader comment“Dave is now left to mourn the $100 MILLION that slipped out of his grasp.” D. Mented

marker How does the SNP at home and away get away with not including BLAME Bunchers and not doing diversity?

eyesThe government appears to be giving a subsidy to the Royal Mail's letters division by sending out millions of threatening reminders to people who have already filled in the March census form. Those received this morning from a certain Professor I. Diamond may be ignored as blatantly obvious April Fools.
reader comment“The sad thing about it is that we, the customers, are the fools for letting the bloody government waste our tax pounds to give postmen the dignity of employment.” Arne O'ldator

bulletTonite’s Film: Four Funerals and a Weeding
The death toll from the Chinese plague leaves a much-loved public garden in a state of neglect and in need of a champion.

markerRule Number 1 for Suez or any other canal: Never attempt a 3-point turn if the length of your ship is greater than the width of the canal.
first class stampreader comment“The Captain of the Ever Bloody In The Way is favourite for the Seagoing Jerk of the Year Award.” Treat Coxx
reader comment“Maybe they'll send it to his dungeon in the gaol where Al Jazeera journalist Mahmoud Hussein was locked up without charge for 4 years; until February of this year.” Yanna Witt

reader comment“One did get the impression that the BBC was wetting its collective self yesterday over the chance to repeat the words 'Nazi' and 'terrorist' about an exed-copper who had scored a couple of white bad guy diversity points to offset the thousands scored by Islamists of old and new immigrant stock.” Bay Conan

bulletQ: Automobile is a car, which makes skymobile . . . a plane?
bulletA: Sounds logical.

ragged jeansmarkerDodgy business
Politics certainly exposes people to huge amounts of ridicule. Such as when a foreign government bans people who have no intention of going there from visiting their country and freezes the assets in their country of people who don't have any assets there.

Far Queue symbol Another BashedEar bombshell about a phantom abortion? The scrubbers are going to have to work overtime to prove that he didn't mislead Princess Di to get his meltdown interview with her.

bullet The latest scare story from the Xperts is that you will die 51% faster if you eat 2 sausages per week.

reader comment“How long do we have to put up with the naked rachelism of whiteboards? We demand the return of our blackboards & chalk!” 4 Midable

Bombshell Wee Burney Sturgeon thinks an independence vote to make her First President of Scotland has a higher priority than staying in the Untied Kingdom and extracting cash from English taxpayers to repair the damage done in Scotland by the Chinese plague!

tick symbol The Co-op supermarket chain is to put GPS tags on high-price items such as expensive cuts of meat to make life tough for thieves.

bullet The Chinese government is expecting a vote of thanks from the UK for seeing off the Yorkshire Ripper with its plague.

bullet Maz the Merciless is expected to achieve total meltdown in 9 days if she decides to run for president of the Untied States in 2024 as she will be unable to cope with the barrage of inspection of her factoids and motives.

skull 2Egypt is facing the threat of a rival plague caused by the deaths of hundreds of thousands of animals stuck without food, water and space to move on the ships trapped in the Suez Canal by the Evergreen Line's monster container ship Ever Given.
   The vessel was finally freed on the last Tuesday of March but not soon enough to prevent the Egyptian authorities being faced with the problems of safe disposal of thousands of bodies and tons of animal waste.

bullet Dave the ex-leader is going to have to be cleared of putting himself about on behalf of a disgraced tycoon in Singapore. The scrubbers will be v. busy for the foreseeable future.

markerRedundancies in the near future?
The rachel confection industry is up in arms over an official report which President Boris commissioned after the BLAME Bunch riots. It shows that there is a lot less rachelism going on here in the UK than the confecters need to maintain their legend of oppression. Worse, we are a bit of a shining example to the rest of the world!
   The only hope for the confecters seems to be to drown the chairman of the commission; an Afron; and the report in irrelevant wibble and spurious quibbles.
   All those doing bias training for various police forces are particularly bitter about their living going down the plughole. The report even dared to suggest that BLAME should be abolished as a rachel tag.
first class stampreader comment“Institutional rachelism is a just fiction created by Those People? Well, there's a surprise! This report seems to be a poke in both eyes for the BLAME Bunchers and their search for victimhood rewards if it says the only people getting a raw deal here are the white working class.” Jury 4man
reader comment“So rachelism is mostly against white people? Presumably, thanks to the loopy left, who hate everything Britisch and especially white people.” Kno Blart

marker Forget the Rule of Six, it's the Rule of Six Hundred whilst the Sun is shining. But everything will be back to normal when winter returns on Easter Monday.

markerConfection, confection, confection!
The Green wonks have come up with a bizarre argument against the plastic bags-for-life sold in supermarkets. Single-use plastic bags keep the recycling industry at full pelt but if plastic bags are reused and stay in the community, that damages recycling numbers.

tick symbol Trouble paying your tuition fees? Universities all over the country are encouraging their customers—with free information packs and courses—to dive in to the sex industry and make lotz of lovely money to spend on university courses.
   The university student wonkster community is joining in with a drive to make whorephobia as terrible a concept as rachelism.

bullet Russians are being faced with a terrible dilemma. If they don't stop drinking vodka, they will destroy the protection from the Chinese plague conveyed by their Sputnik V vaccine!

markerThe government is worried that the initial locko relaxo madness will be a lasting phenomenon rather than a temporary embarrassment. Customers are just not getting the difference between some rules relaxed and a free-for-all.

markerInitials to know No. 1,524: FPN
Fixed Penalty Notice (a.k.a. PRR—Plague Rules Rip-off)

markerOne-way street
Will a chewing gum tax stop people from spitting it all over the place? No, having paid more for it, they will feel more entitled to spit, having paid for the clear-up job for their mess. The last thing they will do is stop making that mess in the hope of getting cheaper gum.

eyes Dopes who want to buy dope in New York will be allowed to only if they are over 21. Alternatively, they will be allowed to grow half a dozen pot plants for personal consumption.

bullet Golfers with luminous balls teeing off @ 1 second past midnight on Monday? Who's going to believe that!

red eyeShock, horror! Some people may have been given false positives from a virus test lab! Or they may not have. The operators of the lab declared the BBC's Xcitement over the issue to be 'selective representation'. 'Of the worst sort' implied.
[That's the Beeb all over. Ed.]

tick symbol Lobbying of the government has begun already for making a winter lockdown an essential annual event to provide an enhanced Xmas Xperience through the sheer relief of unlocko.

Far Queue symbol President Gopher Joe is threatening a tariff war with the UK if President Boris doesn't cancel the Digital Services Tax on the revenues of tech giants like Gooble & FakeBuk, which was introduced a year ago.

markerIt doesn’t have to make sense, it’s the EFU
bulletThe EFU is refusing to accept seafood from the UK's 'polluted' coastal waters.
bullet The EFU wants its member states to be free to hoover up as much seafood as they like from the UK's coastal waters, and to have priority over British fishing vessels.

first class stampreader comment“That was a brilliant idea from Little John of the Daily Mail, to make EFU countries Xplain their goods in all the languages used here. That's leaflets & labels printed in over 300 languages, including lots of varieties of scribble. Only then will they be allowed to export stuff to us. Red-tape them until they learn a sense of proportion.” Niti Sawn

markerIs the modern British Army required to take the Knee of Shame before going into battle, thus making all those obese battlers into sitting ducks for enemy snipers?

first class stampreader comment“On what exactly did President Boris spend the £2.6 MILLION that was blown on his Downing Street press briefing room? There should have been at least a couple of Rembrandts in there.” 40 Chewed

marker Germany & Austria are in a real wobble over the Oxford plague vaccine. First, it was banned for people over 65. Now, no one younger than 60 is allowed to have it.
Wot next?

markerEaster Treat:
The Carthage Symphony Orchestra presents a performance of Hannibal's Messiah upon a troop of specially trained African elephants to ensure safe spacing of the performers.
** Featuring the Non-Covid Chorus **

bulletMotto For The Day:
For every person who believes something stoopid, you can be sure there are 100 more who believe something even dafter.

reader comment“You'd think people who are non-white, non-Christian and/or non-atheist are trying to create an apartheid society, in which they are the Xcluded minority because they have refused to be vaccinated against the Chinese plague.” Tak Tierem
reader comment“Which raises the interesting question of how entitled they are if their exile is self-inflicted.” 40 Fied

first class stampreader comment“We should definitely not be donating surplus plague vaccine to Ireland & other unfriendly EFU states. Selling only—and doing it at a price that covers our costs fully. And a bit more for good luck and their bad faith.” 10 Shun

reader comment“Maybe pretend financial regulators could end up on half salary for a couple of years; with no option to change their job; if they let dodgy hedge fundamentalists run riot on their watch.” Con Tours

bulletSemper Piranhas

No swastikas!bulletQ: How did Scotland Yard miss a Nazi in the ranks of the Metropolitan police?
bulletA: Because if you start checking up on what candidates tell you, Those People start jumping up & down and screaming "Rachel Profiling!" and "Anti-Diversity" and similar stuff and making a real nuisance of themselves @ the taxpayer's expense.

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reader comment“The people agitating over vaccine passport discrimination are the worst sort of Xcluders. If one person can't go somewhere or do something, no one can.
   “There's a lethal plague in circulation and people who can't or won't be vaccinated or tested are a threat to the rest of us. One which we would prefer to avoid.” Judge 4man

skull 2bullet The Chinese plague vaccination programme is allowing deaths from other causes to catch up and take their rightful place in official statistics.
bullet Look out for some weird suntan effects—people on Spanish beaches have to wear a mask when sunbathing. Or pay a fine/fee of €100 if they want a full-face tan.

markerWoeful Hack Outfit
If the head of the WHO doesn't believe the official WHO report on the source of the plague that spread from China, why should anyone else? Especially as he's from Ethiopia, an indentured Chinese client.
   About all we can be certain of is that enough whitewash has been applied and enough evidence has been destroyed to leave the point eternally moot.

markerToo lenient by half
How much judgely deliberation went into deciding that a bloke from Brinnington (which is quite near Romiley), who sliced and diced his wife for letting a £3 bag of chips defrost, has to spend thirteen and one-third years in gaol before he can be considered for parole?
   In a case like that, throw away the key is the only reasonable choice.

markerHe told us so
In 2010, Dave the Leader called lobbying the next big scandal waiting to happen. Surprise! This was confirmed by the actions of Dave in pursuit of MILLIONs of quid after he left office as PM and an MP. Well, we can't say we weren't warned.

bulletQ: Why did the Archbish of Cantab step up and grot all over Maz's phantom wedding 3 daze before the real event?
bulletA: He has a book to plug.

bulletQ: If hereditary peers are undemocratic, why do we have to put up with the dregs of politics and the cronies of ditched leaders in the House of Frauds?
bulletA: Dunno.

Maculinea arionXperts? Major fail!
We were absolutely guaranteed that Maculinea arion, the British large blue butterfly and a favourite prey of the Victorians, was doomed to Xtinction in 1979. It even got a Radio Times front cover to let everyone have a last look at it. And it was used as a gadget in the novel Roundabout by RLC author Philip H. Turner.
   Surprise! Despite its weird, parasitic life cycle, the large blue is still around if you know where to look for it.

marker Anglers are going to have to do some serious weight training if they hope to land fish which have grown to ginormous proportions @ fishing reservations during their locko furlough.

reader comment“The trial of the cop who is facing 3 murder charges w.r.t. G. Floyd is a complete waste of time. The prisoner in the dock has been fired by his PD and the city of Minneapolis has paid $27 million to the Floyd family. How prejudicial can you get?” Vigor Vitas

Yawn 2bullet Shock, horror! Some political wasbeen has come up with a Bile Bucket About Boris.
update Not just Boris. Mr. Duncan didn't get on with anyone at all. So it's more like a tankerload of bile.

markerThe Kerching! community is greeting with dismay, the news that there has never been an outbreak of the Chinese plague associated with crowds gathering on a beach anywhere in the world. Which makes the FPN [see above] fine potential zero.
   Except at 'pinch' points like refreshment facilities where safe spacing breaks down.

tick symbol Democracy in action—60% of boozers are happy to put up with vaccine certificates if it means they can go darn the pub. Another boot in the teeth for the Stet Devretners.

first class stampreader comment“You have to wonder about the competence of the people running things on the other side of the Channel. Whilst doing their best to stop supplies of the Oxford vaccine getting to the UK, they're banning its use in the EFU zone.” Π Rate

reader comment“Ripping away the institutional rachelism alibi is tearing a security blanket out of the fingers of everyone who wants to feel entitled. Are we bovvered? Naaa!” Add Mitta

markerWe might have had this before but it bears repeating—Where do all the virgins come from and what does the hero do after consuming his quota?

markerNot impressed
We were assured that the first Monday of the month would be a return to the depths of winter. But it was a sunny and only moderately chilly day, despite the persistent breeze.
   So why were those bastards at Weather Control lying to us?

first class stampreader comment“After seeing a picture of a bunch of coppers doing the Knee of Shame, I started wondering if their enormous equipment belt now includes a handy little brush for the knee which was in contact with the nasty, filthy ground. No doubt some chief constabule's lucky best mate got the supply contract for them.” Bear Norby
reader comment“What we need to know is if there are any statues of Sir Wm. McFearsome, who confected the institutional rachelism myth, which can be chucked into a handy harbour.” Jonquin Sella
reader comment“Could the Archybish of Cantab also take a dip for trying to tag the Church of England with the institutional rachelism label?” A. Vicar

cross symbol The Xperts reckon that scriptrotters will become Xtinct in the Fine Future, which will belong to computer programs and a library of 30,000 gimmicks and story lines for the computer to mix and match in original ways.

markerThe Council done it, it don’t have to make sense
The council of Birkenhead in Scouseland has blown taxpayers' money on a whirlpool of circle segments in the middle of a road as part of a daft scam to encourage customers to walk or cycle.
   The council itself is unable to explain how the mess is supposed to be navigated—treat it as a roundabout or drive straight across it. Our consultant psychologist reckons it is intended to leave drivers so confused that they give up motoring all together.

markerJurassic Justice
J. Epstein and G. Maxwell have been accused of attempting to persuade a genetobiologist to breed carnivorous dinosaurs the size of a large dog, to which their victims could be fed should said victims make a nuisance of themself.

marker Labour's Shadow Chancellor is reported to have a severe case of the hump because Tory government ministers took no notice of Dave the ex-Leader's lobbying on behalf of the gone bust Greenswill company; to the taxpayer's relief; and deprived her of a megawhinge.
   Life's a beach and then you drown. Or something like that.
reader comment“Life is a golden beach, then the tide comes in just when you have got yourself comfortable.” Oliver Warm


virus t-shirtsAd Attack Virus Victim? Virus Vanquisher?
& every step in between

Loadsa T-shirts for all Moods
& Preferences in all Colours
Romiley Togs, 41 Riverside Drive


boneheadBournemouth council has been nominated for a 2021 Confecter Award for not emptying litter bins and using a drone to spot victims who can be fined for not using an overflowed litter bin.
   Serving the customers. Not.

bulletQ: Why is the phrase 'Dundee United' used as an insult in Africa?
bulletA: Because they don't have any football teams of their own?

marker New rule for the Untied States: Every American traditional phrase or saying; e.g. pork barrel politics; has to have a confected slavery connection.


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markerInitials to know No. 1,525: MBE
Monster Bung Extravaganza
[I've been asked if HTFK is to be included but our regular readers know it very well. Ed.]
reader commentOBE is Oh, Bloody 'Ell?” Annie Walking

skull 2Things To Come
1. The next expansion episode of the current victim culture pandemic is expected to be the confection of a lost covid generation. Politicians from the Xtremes are already 'working hard' on the project. [Of buying the lost ones' votes. Ed.]
2. There are plans for an animal boat race if the Chinese plague continues to disrupt the human event.

markerNicola Splurgeon is stealing England’s future
The SNP claims that Scotland's tax revenues cover all devolved spending on day-to-day public services. If that is so, why is public funding per person 30% higher for Scotland than for England?

Far Queue symbol Goldmine Sachs and JeeP Morgan make a bog of the valuation of a much-hyped company which is joining the stock market. After being sold at the Xperts' price, the shares plunge 30% when trading starts. But that's just mispriceing and as unimportant as misspeaking by a politician.


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first class stampreader comment“Participating in your local community is a privilege, not an absolute right, and dependent on your good conduct. If you are likely to spread a plague in that community by not being vaccinated; or do it to the Cup Final crowd; Xcluding you is not discrimination, it is sound good sense. So yah-boo sucks to Swami Chuckabutty and her ilk.” J. Binglebush

markerWhat's the latest scam for solving all The World's problems?
Pink bendy buses. Well, that should work.

bulletQ: What's a good way to sleaze the bloke whose report grotted all over the institutional rachelism industry and its lazy generalizations?
bulletA: Accuse him of glorifying & revelling in the slave trade, knowing it to be a non-white lie.
reader comment“S.O.P. of Those People” Noted Carousel

bullet Don't plan on going to the gym tomorrow, the Xperts are telling us, coz your stoopid body will scoff extra grub today and you won't lose any weight.
   The only way to lose weight from exercise is to make an instant decision to go to the gym and go directly there.

Far Queue symbol The WHO has blasted the EFU's vaccination programme as unacceptably slow. The EFU will continue to lumber on @ its pathetic pace regardless.

reader comment“A headmaster who banned history @ his school because only white kings & queens of Britain are on offer, and hauled down the Union Flag, deserves to be tarred & feathered on every schoolday and every weekend during school holidays.” Glint East

markerVertical equemtocy
The SNP is hiring a mechanical digger to dig trenches during the Scittish Parliament election campaign. The Gnats hope to make rival candidates stand in a trench so that their midget of a leader can acquire height parity with the other parties.

hello!reader comment“The impression I got from a brief dip into the shock-horror Duncan political memoirs is that he (or a ghost writer) has done a megawhinge about everyone he was rude to and who subsequently refused to have anything to do with him. And he baled out of politics a year and a bit ago because he got fed up of being treated like the Invisible Man.” Weakly Rageous
reader comment“Life really sucks if you have access to all those subsidized bars and no one will buy you a drink.” Al Most

 WEEK SECOND the 

 
markerI’m all right, Jack mentality
We are told that the Chinese plague is a contemptible little disease with only a 0.5% mortality rate. The implication is that the government should have told us to ignore it a year ago and let those who couldn't resist it croak for the sake of the economy.
   But would the Croakers have accepted the bill for 300,000 funerals and the blame for all those deaths? One guess.


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writer comment“I have just read that the French author E. Zola would have us believe that a novelist is nothing more than a court clerk, who records what he has seen. What total & utter bollux and a silly denial of the existence of imagination. And wot about science fiction? When did Arthur C. Clarke ever visit Titan?” M.K.

first class stampreader comment“We are being invited to believe that the US government at the turn of the century had explosives stashed in the upper floors of the World Trade Centre in New York.
   “Why? On the off chance that terrorists would fly planes into the twin towers and give the US military an excuse to kill O. b. Laden.
   “There's always someone who is ready to believe absolutely anything if it suits them. Or just to be awkward.” Laird Gury

bulletQ: How do you pretend that a remake of King Kong vs Godzilla is a new film?
bulletA: Call it Godzilla vs Kong and hope no one makes unfortunate comparisons with the film from 60 years ago and no one notices the lameness of the remake's plot.

markerTowed into a hole
Anyone who has had a vehicle towed away and impounded because of a parking offence or other reason during the last 30 years can demand their money back if they still have the paperwork.
   The enabling legislation was cancelled by accident in 1991 due to a 'drafting error' and the wonks @ the Home Office have only just noticed. Unfortunately, something else which has been noticed is their efforts to sneak the legislation back into place.
   As big a mess as PPI, we are assured.

reader comment“What we need is some revitalization. so let's ditch all this BS about roadmaps and substitute the metaphor of creating a footpath through a wilderness. Because that's what all the following the science and being nudged or shoved by pressure groups amounts to.” Jake Gurn

TV Listing typo: ITV4, 5:55, Monster Crap

cross symbol The main problem with the members of the government's all-ethnic rachel disparity commission seems to be that every single one of the people picked is a W.T.E., and they have upset the HUTAgonian V.C.E. Crowd mightily.

markerInitials to know No. 1,526: WTE
Wrong Type of Ethnic, a.k.a. a Real Person

markerInitials to know No. 1,527: VCE
Victimhood Confecting Ethnic, also: VCNEA—Victimhood Confecting Non-Ethnic Ally

Kreepy pantscross symbol Sir Kreepy Steamer has been informed that the voters will continue to have the hump with the Labour party until he does a grovelling apology to the nation for O.J. Corbynstein and his own cosying up to O.J.
reader comment“His task won't be made any easier by Labour local government candidates calling flying or embracing the Union Flag, as Sir Kreepy has been trying to do, something that only a Fascist would do.” Mypar Fect

look leftlook rightThings To Avoid: Fat Dunk
definition: Horrible mess, opposite of Slim Dunk—an elegant success
source: Survivors by Amarath Prethon

bulletDespite gorbal warming, there are records being set all over Europe for the lowest ever night-time temperature @ this time of year, especially in the Balkans.

tick symbol Dave the ex-Leader looks likely to be instrumental in triggering legislation to control lobbying and end abuses & cronyism, which really Xploded when New Labour was in charge.

Knee of Grace The weird vocalist Cher (74) is in trouble for claiming that everything could have been okay for G. Floyd if she had been there when he was arrested for passing a dud $20 bill. Which is sparking a new industry.
   Maybe the Ever Bloody In The Way wouldn't have got stuck across the Suez Canal if Cher had been on the bridge. Maybe J.F.K. would still be alive if she'd been in Dallas on that day. Ect. ect.

tick symbolFakeBuk and its subsidiaries are quite happy to let suicide clubs of teenage girls flourish on their platforms as nothing they do breaks the infinitely flexible rules.

First class stampreader comment“I was amused to read that Scary Carrie is getting the blame for all the animal escapes from the zoo that belongs to the charity which employs her.
   “Three of the fugitives were recaptured, one had to be killed after injuring itself and a rather small, rusty-spotted cat is still at large.” Rhett Ralph

markerWho will win the End of Lock-in Showdown? It's pretty much level pegging between the Libertarians, who want 'anything goes' & the Clampers, who want people to be able to prove they're not spreading the Chinese plague before they are allowed to leave their isolation bunker.

purple face mask + + + Duke of Edinburgh expires 2 months short of 100th birthday + + + Speculation & obituary industries go into overdrive + + + One of a kind + + + Plague restrictions will make funeral a family affair + + +

look leftlook rightThings To Kno:
Wall-eyed raving looney lefties have replaced rachelism with 'nativism' in the hope that real people won't realize they are being insulted and slug the offender in the mush.
   Also, nationalism = fascism, the loonies reckon, and patriotism is unmentionable because the last thing they could ever be is patriotic.
   In fact, the only thing lefties hate more than patriotism and the British people is people with more money than them who refuse to share their wealth with unworthy lefty scroungers.

red eyemarkerSupermarkets are in competition for free publicity from their substitutes for items ordered online but not available.
   The most stoopid swaps seem to be based on pocket phones, e.g. sending half a dozen Galaxy phones instead of Galaxy chocolate bars or a tablet computer instead of washing or other tablets.

bullet FREE LONDON with every 5 gallons

first class stampreader comment“Has Professor of anti-non-black propaganda Doktor Gopal of Cambridge U. shot herself in the foot by reminding everyone that Narzi propagandist J. Goebbels had a doctorate, just like her? Or has she just managed to tar herself with the drippings from the brush she was using on white people?” Rachel Wrath
[Votes on a PC to the usual address Ed.]

Wee Burney Sturgeon has a haircutmarkerA haircut too far!
Scittish First Meenister, Wee Burney Sturgeon, busting a gut to beat President Boris to that all important 'first haircut after lock-in' publicity stunt, failed to notice that some comedian had booked her appointment @ the ALBA nail bar & hair style saloon for the Salmond Special.
   Nice shine from the polish job, though!

tongueThe EFU is allegedly investigating claims that the Russian Sputnik vaccine for the Chinese plague was tested on customers who were forced to join in.
   Sounds like a total waste of time. What else do you Xpect from Putinstan? Or the EFU, for that matter.

You have to be tough to be vaccinated around here!
first class stampreader comment“Friday: Phone call from the Health Centre, vaccination available @ 10:50 tomorrow @ Woodley Civic Hall. Saturday: Leave home at 10:10, stop in at newsagent, on to Woodley. Risk life & limb crossing the pedestrian unfriendly main road to get to Civic Hall. Arrive 8 minutes early. The queue goes on and on and on and on.
   “Conclude that 99 others got the same appointment time as me. The scattering of hail during the walk to Woodley becomes snow, which rules out reading the paper. 11:25, indoors, give details, wait some more, get the jab, out @ 11:35. Still snowing. Home @ 12:05. The snow stops @ 12:25 and it brightens up. 12:45: the Sun comes out, unappreciative vaccinated mob besieges local Weather Control Centre.” Rho D'Bloque

Far Queue symbol Sir Kreepy Steamer is back to playing politics. Anything that the government does (or doesn't do) with respect to vaccine passports, he will be agin it.

Far Queue symbol The teaching unions are demanding that their members should not have to leave home, should not have to have anything to do with 'orrible kids and should receive an instant 37% pay rise.

Far Queue symbol Edinburgh council is up for a stoopidity award after putting a cycle lane between a parking lane for cars and the pavement.
   As a result, parked cars and the cycle lane occupy three-quarters of their side of the road and traffic in motion has to wait for gaps in oncoming traffic on the other side of the road, or dodge it or play chicken with it.
   Even worse, cyclists won't use their lane because they are worried about people in cars in the parking zone opening a door as a biker arrives at their usual reckless speed.

Far Queue symbol Brides of Daesh of all nationalities are 'doing a Begun' and dressing normally in an attempt to persuade Western politicians that they are no longer a threat to life & limb.

markerProstitutes in Brazil are on strike for a week for not being treated as priority workers and entitled to a shot of plague vaccine.
   Well, it's a valid point of view.

markerInitials to know No. 1,528: PWFB
People Without a Functioning Brain

markerInitials to know No. 1,529: GFR
Genuine Failure of Recollection, context: a politician lying about not remembering saying something incriminating

Far Queue symbol The Salmonella Alba party is predicted to win zero seats in the Scittish Parliament elections but the pollsters think it will hoover up enough votes to deprive Wee Burney of a majority and leave her still having to suck up to the Greens.

tick symbol The herd will achieve immunity on the second Monday of this month (74% of the customers protected), some of the Xperts reckon.

markerModern rhyming slang: ToAnd
To & Fro = Afro

bullet The Xperts are in a race to be the first to find something possibly/maybe/might be wrong with the US Moderna plague vaccine, which is now available in the UK.

bulletQ: How do you succeed as a bank robber?
bulletA: A thief in Germany wore a tie which was so horrible that everyone stared at it and no one looked at his face. Not even the CCTV cameras.
reader comment“Why wasn't he wearing a mask? Or did no one notice that he was (or wasn't) 'coz of the 'orrible tie?” Specs Bloor

Bombshell The travel industry has the hump with President Boris big-time for not allowing it to move plague spreaders around the world to wherever they'll pay to go.

skull 2Swallowing the science
Bi-weekly testing of everyone in England for the Chinese plague using lateral flow kits will generate 60,000 to 500,000 false positives per week, depending on who is making the guess.
   Either end of the range is a number that is much too huge to be coped with and the cost of the scam will be £1 BILLION per month.
first class stampreader comment“The sensible thing to do would appear to avoid getting involved in this scam. Non-participation will also be a bonus for the taxpayer, if a small one.” Blue Tempo
reader comment“Probably something on the same scale as making the UK carbon zero whilst China, India and the US continue to go their merry way.” Olin Hilly
reader comment“We are assured that a raft of businesses is about to be reopened. The only problem is that the raft is parked in the middle of the world's widest river, which is full of piranha fish & crocodiles, and the government has locked up all the boats.” Hugo First

This Week's Pathetic Bit of Censorship:
****-a-doodle-doo! [Daily Mail, Tuesday]
context: extracting the pee from the Duncan whinge memoirs

bulletQ: What's a good way for a former colleague turned enemy to wind up President MacRon?
bulletA: Forecasting that Marine le Pen will be elected France's president next year.

Far Queue symbol One of the teaching unions is demanding that black history and slavery connections be confected into all lessons, including cookery, mathematics and woodwork.

Isolierings mobilemarkerDrastic action
A surge in plague cases in Sweden has led to citizens resorting to the use of a personal isolation chamber when they have to visit one of the larger cities.

bullet There's a really doomy Xpert in Germany who is forecasting that locko might end up a permanent condition there as the Chinese plague infection rate soars!

bullet Despite gorbal warming, the French wine industry is declaring itself to be a disaster area after searing spring frosts destroyed vineyards. Luckily, quality wines are available from lots of other countries.

face maskGood news for sunbathers in Spain, the commandment that face masks must be worn on beaches has been cancelled.
   No more weird facial tan lines!

Kerching!
first class stampAn Austrian man, who was fined €500 for breaking plague rules by farting 'provocatively' in a public park, has had the fine reduced on appeal! This followed shock-horror headlines around the world, which forced Vienna's police force to claim, on auntie-social media, that no one would be done over for accidentally ‘letting one go’. Once.
    The victim of the fiscal assault challenged the fine on the grounds that what he had done was a natural biological process and the fine amounted to limitation of his freedom of expression and a breach of his 'uman bluddy rights, even if the fart had been released deliberately rather than accidentally.
   As he did not have a criminal record, the court reduced the fine to €100 as a warning to the bloke not to make a habit of it.
reader comment“At least the fartologist didn't get done for a spurious victim surcharge.” Morag Vehicle
reader comment“Maybe not, but he must be on the run from a gang of crooked lawyers with customers claiming $1,000,000 apiece 'coz of the damage done to their delicate state of health by the reckless emissions.” Marga Lunch

Kerching!
Bucks, bucks, $$$$$$$$$$
It is difficult not to see a conspiracy behind all the black propaganda against the Oxford plague vaccine. It is the only one being sold at cost, which means that AstraZeneca isn't making anything out of it. The others, in contrast, are all for-profit deals.
   Lots of countries choosing not to use the Oxo vaccine because their customers have been frightened away from it means a Kerching!-fest for the other main manufacturers.

bullet One positive outcome of all that chat about vaccine passports is that it has spurred rachel minorities into accepting a shot of the white man's medicine in order not to be left out of things even more than usual.

bulletQ: Why does it say USELESS on a packet of the new, improved Persil?
bulletA: Maybe because it is now so concentrated that it will burn holes in your clothes before it can be diluted sufficiently to become harmless. Or maybe not.
[It actually says Use Less, you confecters. Ed.]

bullet Novichok didn't get the job done so Putin the Poisoner's minions have given Kreml critic A. Navalny a dose of tuberculosis instead.

markerOne-way street or seals are people, too
We hear an awful lot about gorbal warming driving polar bears into extinction from blesséd pundits, even though bear numbers are rising. Strange we never hear anything from these same people about the animal right of seals not to be killed & scoffed by polar bears.

markerRich people are being encouraged to pay more council tax as a voluntary gesture like the ones made by people living in the area serviced by Westminster council.
reader comment“Presumably, so that the town clerk and the gang of upper-echelon minions can be offered even more eye-watering salaries.” Van Minh Dong

bullet President Gopher Joe has appointed a commission to work out how to sneak more Democrap-supporting judges into the US Supreme Court.

bullet Labour has come down against vaccine passports because the party doesn't think its donors will get any of the contracts which will go to the private sector if the passports are ruled vital to opening up sporting and dramatic events.

look bothbulletQ: How do local council officers end up being paid (not earning) a quarter of a million quid per annum or more?
bulletA: Because most councillors are just cannon fodder, who vote the way they're told, and party bosses think it makes them look good if they're paying the town clerk and lesser minions an ENORMOUS salary. Yes, this doesn't make any real-world sense but that's what's been happening for decades and decades.

markerCommunality cancelled, individuality rulz
The anti-plastic mob will be bouncing up and down with rage now that cafés and other eateries have reopen and BILLIONs of individual sachets of ketchup, brown sauce, salad dressings, etc. are unleashed on the world.
reader comment“No doubt the exercise will do them some good.” Fred Wok

Bombshell A. Salmonella is in Putin the Poisoner's pocket and never off his propaganda TV channel Russia Today, which means Putinstan comes first & Scotland second on his list of priorities. Or, more probably, a distant third behind the interests of Gospodin Salmonella.

good news for particle physicists. Recent results from both sides of the Atlantic confirm that they haven't discovered everything there is to kno about The Universe.
   Which means they're still in a job and still able to demand zillions for further huge-scale and mind-blowingly complicated experiments.

markerThe latest demand from the teaching unions is that toxic examinations should be abolished and customers @ schools should be rated according to how much their parents bung to the unions.
bullet The next demand is expected to be that all children be banned from schools, which should be converted into leisure centres for teachers.

First class stampreader comment“Maybe the obsessions of successive London mayors can be combined to the betterment of humanity. Everyone who wants to take advantage of Sadgeek Khan's obsession with decriminalizing cannabis should be allowed to join in only on a Boris Bike along the edge of a steep cliff.” Gury Raker

bulletQ: How do you get petrol bombs flying again in Belfast?
bulletA: Let the IRA ignore the plague laws concerning the number of people allowed to attend a funeral.

Revealed Being locked in 'coz of the Chinese plague has made fragile relationships more likely to break down, the Xperts reckon. Not an unexpected result but what are the Xperts going to do with it that saves humanity from going Xtinct?

bulletQ: How do you turn a £7 million conference centre into a £100 million nightmare?
bulletA: Put the comrades in charge of the Unite union in charge of the project.

Bombshell The world's highest concentration of Chelsea tractors is in . . . Chelsea! This is expected to remain true as the larger size of an SUV offers more battery space and a greater range between recharges than is available to smaller electric personnel transporters.

bullet The Doom Mongers are getting their 'I told you so' in place in case Boris relaxes locko too quickly and there's a third one thanks to unchecked plague hotspots. Cheerful bunch of buggers, ain't they?

Yawn 1reader comment“Sir Kreepy Steamer is yelling that he's completely different from President Boris in every way, shape and form. What a clot he is if he doesn't think we've noticed that.” Mustafa Riddle

skull 2Big problem for inhabitants of the Caribbean island St. Vincent—their resident volcano, La Soufriere, is popping off but they are not allowed to be evacuated on cruise ships, their prime monster has decided, if they've not been vaccinated against the Chinese plague.

skull 2 Italians who are hoping to get a shot of plague vaccine are discovering this is not possible unless they are a friend of the Mafia, which is commandeering supplies intended for the elderly to give to pals and clients.
   The Italian prime monster, meanwhile, is popping off at queue jumpers and ignoring the Mafia situation completely.

marker Shopkeepers in Naples are in trouble for waving only female underwear during their street protests about the effect all the lockdowns; or should that be locksdown?; have had on their businesses. The lack of garment diversity has upset whole gangs of Those People.

meanwhileGermans, who are having to contend with a third wave of the Chinese plague, think they have been locked down and they can't understand why alleged medical Xperts & politicians are talking about the need for a lockdown.
   The problem seems to be that there has been only a 'sort of' lockdown in Germany with opportunities for social contacts—and forming social bubbles has been just advice rather than a rule. Maybe Frau Mherkel will get round to doing it properly before she retreats into the political wilderness.

face maskGulp! Having done the deadly blood clot condemnation on the AstraZeneca Oxford vaccine, the French are about to do the same to the Johnson & Johnson single-dose product.

markerNo chance of getting a grip, of course
We are told again & again that the last 12 months have been 'unprecedented'; but that's just Bollux to Berko. World War Two? World War One? Remember them?
   Lives turned upside down. Lives terminated abruptly. The economy in ruins. Debts from WW 2 not paid off until the beginning of the present century.
   Those embracing the victim culture with both arms and both legs want our current situation to be unique for their own devious/defective purposes.
   But it ain't. Tough. Deal with it.

marker The Chinese regime has Kerching!ed £2,400,000,000 (4% of 2019 sales) from tech shark Alibaba [me neither, Ed.] as a penalty for its anti-competitive practices.

markerAssurance Process needed
Saying no to vaccine certification has cost Sir Kreepy the votes of professional sports people, who want crowds in financially viable numbers at their events.

Far Queue symbol After threatening a tariff war with the UK when President Boris announced plans to tax US tech giants, President Gopher Joe has pinched the idea as his personal brilliant new policy.

bulletQ: What is a really pathetic way to sleaze G. Maxwell, who is currently imprisoned in New York's lethal detention centre?
bulletA: Claim she doesn't flush the toilet often enough and the entire useless and smelly sewage system in the building is her fault.
reader comment“It's a wonder they don't accuse her of breeding & releasing all the rats & cockroaches in the place.” Rachel Wrath

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markerVanity 1, Pomposity 2
It has taken professional football long enough to decide to abandon the anti-social meeja and deprive sad bastards of somewhere to throw bricks at teams and their management.
   But they're depriving FakeBuk, Twatter & the rest of advertising revenue for only a week before the flow of barely literate tripe resumes.

markerIncomplete conspiracy theory
According to the 'influencers' of auntie-social fiction factories, Chinese plague vaccines are lethal concoctions and part of a sinister plan to depopulate The Planet. But to the benefit of whom?
   Is it the envious socialists, who don't think other people should have stuff? Or is it the grabbing communists, who think all property is theft except for whatever they have blagged?

Big Thanks! to Dr. Little John of the Daily Mail for revealing that the popular cold remedy Lemsip could cause the potentially lethal blood clots which are being blamed by foreign countries on the Oxford Chinese plague vaccine.
   Statins, ibuprofen and penicillin also have the same warning on the label.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

 the WEEK THIRD 

 
bonehead burnhamJust the bloke we need as cosmetic mayor again. Not!
bullet It's election time and A. Burnham wants to keep his feet under the table as cosmetic mayor of Greater Manchester. We're getting doses of his propaganda, but what are his real qualifications?
   When he was a minister @ the Dept. of Health, people were dying of neglect @ Stafford hospital. Nothing to do with him, of course.
   When he was moved to the Treasury, we got the Brown Slump of 2008 and all the banks went bust. Nothing to do with him, of course.
   When Labour was chucked out of office, he inflicted himself on Greater Manchester, first as the Police & Crime Commissioner then as the cosmetic mayor. GM Police ended up in administration, declared unfit for purpose, on his watch. Nothing to do with him, of course.
   What does Jonah Burnham have in store for his next trick?

Surprise! The congestion tax imposed on vehicles in central London has increased the amounts of the more dangerous air pollutants emitted by them.
reader comment“That's politicians for you. Always grubbing for money and if something can be made worse, they'll find a way to do it.” Con Tralto

markerbullet The electric heat pumps demanded by the government in all homes as part of its zero carbon emissions scam are expensive, unreliable and rubbish technology compared to gas boilers.
   Apart from that, they're brilliant!
reader comment“If it's what some of the government wants, because some of Those People thinks it will make said government look good, it doesn't necessarily have to make any sort of sense.” Count Ertenor

bulletQ: Is a tomato a fruit? Or a vegetable, as the US Supreme Court ruled?
bulletA: It's a fruit. What do judges know about the real world anyway?

$1 stampreader comment“If there is an active campaign on-going to deflect people from the @-cost AZ vaccine to the ones offering IMMENSE profits to the manufacturers, it is hypocrisy of the worst sort for politicians & their burrocraps to moan about problems in supplying a vaccine that no one wants, allegedly.
   “Especially when the moaning is being done by the likes of the Froggish T. Breton, EFU trough-scoffer.” Stan Dandy

cross symbol Bad news for the confecting industry; the silly story that the Royal Family includes Moorish ancestors is just that, a silly story invented by people with an agenda.


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first class stampreader comment“According to my newspaper, some government minions were advised on how to conduct themselves on the day the Duke of Edinburgh died. Which conjures up an image of them being lined up and told how to stop doing the self-promotion thing and behave like real people for a day or two by the Commons Protocol Sergeant-Major.” Soup Rano
reader comment“No surprise that O.J. Corbynstein was his usual curmudgeonly self last Friday.” Mick Shaw
reader commentfirst class stamp“What would be really nice would be for everyone who claims Phil the Greek made gaffes gets a vigorous slap round the back of the head until the practice dies out. A gaffe is a blunder and Prince Philip knew exactly what he was saying, and its likely impact, on every occasion. Well, most of them.” Mambo Jenny

bullet Despite the pandemic, President Gopher Joe is attempting to fill the Untied States with migrants from South America in the hope that they will vote Democrap.

PM Boris + plague pointerRejoice! The Cup Final will have a stadium audience after all!
On a visit to the AstraZeneca production facility in Macclesfield, a small Cheshire village quite near Romiley, President Boris received a demonstration of the latest scientific breakthrough—the Dynamic Plague Pointer.
   In combination with an array of in-stadium sensors, the device is able to point out on CCTV displays, any person who has a live case of the Chinese Plague to allow that individual to be isolated and removed from a crowded stadium, and those nearby given the opportunity to self-isolate @ home and avoid spreading this pernicious disease further.

markerNiews, or just bitz of it?
bullet + + + Rioting in Minnesota, USA, after police shot black man + + +bullet
   What, just any old non-white personage?
   No, a guy with an outstanding arrest warrant, who was fighting with police officers and trying to flee, possibly because he felt too entitled to be arrested. The riots appear to have been staged in support of that cause—entitlement.
   Parallels with the Floyd case?
   A fair number of them.

markerSplurge for Britain
Millions of people will spend more than 300 million quid each during this week, the forecasts made in last weekend's newspapers seemed to imply. We await with interest to hear how those millions will explain having all that dosh to their friendly, neighbourhood tax inspector.

bulletQ: Will Prince Edward be allowed to become the next Duke of Edinburgh if the SNP gets its way and turns Scotland into Wee Burneystan?
bulletA: As the Scots will be enormously dependent on the goodwill of the government in England for financial propping up, we don't expect to hear a peep out of anyone who counts.

markerToo soft on criminals
The Labour party is making itself unpopular with part of the criminal community by backing a 2-year gaol sentence for dognapping. This was dismissed as namby-pamby by a spokesperson for former pet owners, who consider hanging, drawing & quartering a more appropriate punishment and disincentive to doing it again.

markerThey have a really cushy life in French gaols. It's possible to become a food porn star on Mr. Internet by recording recipes for chocolate-overload dishes in the comfort of your cell.

markerSupport in a time of need
The Britisch government is continuing to recognize K.Z. Minn, the ambassodor sacked by the Burmese junta, and the Foreign Office has ordered the police of the Metropolis and traffic wardens not to issue parking tickets for his Volvo car, which is parked outside the Burmese consulate, and which is now Mr. Minn's official residence.

bulletQ: Are we impressed to learn that Gibraltar has vaccinated the entire population?
bulletA: As it is not much bigger than Romiley, nope.

markerThinking ahead
Putin the Poisoner is parking tanks on his border with Ukraine, which he believes is really Russian territory because it is packed with Russian infiltraitors. He considers it to be a good place to site a research lab, which will create a Putin Plague to rival the Chinese one.

markerWimps can apply for jobs as a snowplough driver @ Oslo airport as they are trialing a driverless vehicle, which will be controlled from a safe, warm bunker.


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markerInterest of the self type
The Third World is up in arms over the complaint by the boss of the Iceland supermarket chain that all the unlocko litter strewn everywhere makes Britain look like part of the 3rd World.
   But what's the real whinge?
   Could it be a fear that aid donors will assume that if Third Worlders have enough cash to bury themselves in First Worlder levels of litter, then they don't need no more aid to support their politicians and spivs?

first class stampreader comment“What we really need is a retrovirus. Something which is highly contagious. Something which will sit harmlessly in the human body, waiting, and something which will mess with the Chinese plague virus and turn it into the retrovirus.
   “Something which will remain parked in human hosts forever, waiting to leap into action if it meets a human without the retrovirus or one infected with a hooked virus.” Corona Selby

bullet In Germany, they don't have a lockdown or a circuit-breaker, they apply an emergency break just to be different.

first class stampreader comment“If quarantine is 10 or 14 days now instead of the original 40, then how come Prince Hairy is doing only 5 days @ Frog Cottage? Sounds more like an excuse for his family to have nothing to do with the turncoat than an effective period of quarantine.” Dai Gress
reader comment“Maz was advised against flying 'coz of her pregnancy, we were told. Sounds like another Xcuse out of the same box if she wasn't bothered about flying whilst carrying the Archie franchise-to-be. Not that we are complaining about her absence, of course.” Para Lytic

first class stampreader comment“Gordon F. Broon came out of his cave to pontificate on commercial lobbying by ex-politicians [lobbying by ex-civil servants not mentioned] and warn that it could become a stain on our democracy like the MPs' expenses scandal. Which doesn't really seem to have made much difference.
   “We still have too many MPs on the gravy train, and some are still troughing shamelessly. And that includes non-Tories, Mr. 'holier than' Broon.” Hod Jarwheesht

markerSurvival tactics
The variant of the Chinese plague first detected in Kent is more readily transmitted than the original version but no more deadly, which makes 100% sense in the context of a virus' purpose—breeding to the max.
   Killing the customers is a bad idea. Unless the virus is smart enough to kill off elderly and defective hosts as a matter of choice in order to maximize the resources available to hosts of breeding age. But are they cute enough to do that rather than just mutate at random and leave their survival to blind chance? It's unlikely.

markerA place of learning? Phooey!
Can't write grammatically correct English, hopeless @ spelling and totally unable to express yourself coherently in writing? Don't worry. It is now fashionable for some universities to 'challenge the status quo' and reject the Northern European, white, male elitism of literacy.
   Instead of requiring high standards from their customers, some universities are wonking up and dumbing down to the level of the most pathetic of said customers.
LOOK!reader comment“In other words, the so-called academics @ these universities are becoming a gang of illiterate dunces and they don't want to be shown up by the customers, thank you very much!”
Rho Yabote
reader comment“All part of the not-so-grand grade inflation scam. If everyone is an idiot, they can all be awarded a top grade.” Rho Locke

markerSteel wheels?
Vehicle tyres generate VAST amounts of microplastic particles which, the Xperts reckon, can hang in the air for a week and cross a continent if there's a gale blowing. A move to electric vehicles will have zero impact on this crisis.
   Steel wheels with an active suspension has been suggested as an alternative but councils would have to do something about the increased battering that road surfaces would receive rather than doing nothing much, as at present.

Far Queue symbol The United Nations Organization is worried that protecting British troops from baseless prosecutions for non-existent war crimes will affect adversely, the incomes of bent lawyers and confecters all over the world.

reader comment“No doubt the wokesters are wetting themselves in anticipation of being able to hurl a statue of Prince Philip into the Thames over some confected crime against humanity.” Dan Grunge

Mindless gesture culture
reader comment“A minute's silence for Prince Philip then the Knee of Shame with Black Power fists. And they try to tell us footballers have working brain cells.” Ang Back

Greenhouse GrotterNot that much help
According to a newspaper TV reviewer, who had to watch her efforts on the box, Greenhouse grotter is just a figurehead for the global warming swindlers and has as much in the way of ideas to offer as the wooden structure on the front of a ship.
   She is also the despair of her father, who seems to be hoping she'll grow up and join the real world sometime or other.
first class stampreader comment“Unless she makes a career out of it, becoming an Attenborough-like icon until someone better comes along.” Undo Kier
reader comment“The Grotter scheme of things seems to be to yell that everyone else is ruining her life and bask in the credit if someone else does something worthy if ultimately pointless.” Patric Falls

marker Really daft haircuts are on view everywhere now that people can be primped again by a pro.

reader comment“Is it necessarily wrong that those people in Chicago who choose to become gun-toting criminals should live in fear and pain because they have chosen to do so?” Perry Stupnik

markerAge does bring wisdom to some
Sound move by HM the Queen, not allowing uniforms @ Prince Philip's funeral and depriving the wibble merchants of a chance to take pops @ Andrew & Haz. But, no doubt, they'll find something else to wibble about.

markerTechnology marches on
Panicking about gorbal warming? You can stop now. There is a new paint soon to be on the market for the roofs of buildings in towns and cities—Covid White 98.
   The paint is loaded with barium sulphate pigment and it can reflect 98% of incident sunlight back into space, where it came from, cooling buildings and reducing the demand for electricity to power air-conditioning systems.
reader comment“Great for summer, but we'll have bloody great icicles hanging off gutters as a hazard to life & limb when it gets a bit cold. Wunderbar.” Alred Hitch

bulletQ: Is it a sin to lie to a scammer?
bulletA: If it's a bloke with an Indian accent calling from 006 11458 682491 and claiming to be from BT internet, and you tell him you don't use the internet—nope.

markerbulletPutinstan is getting ready for an action replay of the fate of Malaysia Airlines flight MH17, which it blasted out of the skies over occupied Ukraine in 2014. Why? Because it can.

markerTests are in progress to determine whether spectators need to wear masks at events. If not too many of the no-mask crowds croak, that option will be made available.
   Something else being discussed is obliging every spectator to consume a small glass of a drink which is heavily laden with garlic to ensure 'garlic breath' safe spacing.

markerEveryone has to drink 5 million pints to catch up after all the lockdowns.
Cheers!

bulletQ: Is there any comparison between Dave the ex-Leader lobbying for taxpayers' cash to go to the failed business Greenswill and President Boris goosing the Premier League over a £300M deal involving Newcastle United and Saudi cash?
bulletA: Only in the minds of confecters and Those People. All President Boris did was force the PL to stop dithering over whether to let the country run by the Crown Prince who had journalist J. Khashoggi murdered run the Toon team. And as a result of the Boris Bump, the PL got off its fat can.

markerAaaaagh!
Twatter blew a fuse on Saturday, depriving people with nothing useful to do of the opportunity to do something completely useless.
   China, Putinstan and all the other usual suspects are getting the blame. Not that they are at all bovvered.

markerMillions tuned out to avoid the deathly dull BBC and ITV coverage from a long distance away of Prince Philip's funeral. Al Jazeera reported record viewing figures on Saturday. And it was Super Saturday for shoppers.
$8 stampreader comment“I note that a Channel 5 presenter wonk thought there should have been some token Africans & Asians included in the 30 family members allowed to attend the Duke of Edinburgh's funeral service. In the name of diversity, natch. That's how divorced from reality some of these idiots now are.” Jezzer Vain

eyesA convicted murderer was booted out of his gaol in Argentina after the authorities found that he should have been released 20 years earlier. The bloke was reported to be highly peeved at the loss of his free board & lodging.

bonehead The EFU has made such a horlicks over its campaign against the Oxford vaccine for the Chinese plague that the burrocraps in charge will not be ordering any more of it, no matter how much damage that does to their vaccination programme, to avoid further embarrassment.

bullet The North West and South West of the Untied States are good places to avoid. Down south, in California, protesters claim they will be peaceful before they get down to the serious business of setting cars on fire and looting shops. Up north, they get down to the rioting, looting & arson about without delay.

eyes Local councils are being landed with HUGE claims for compensation for injuries caused by people tripping over rubber kerbs and other gadgets intended to force safe spacing in streets.

markerConflagrations expected
Local Authorities are having to employ extra rangers as the nation's firebugs escape lock-in and inflict disposable BBQs, camp fires and casually discarded fag ends on the Great Outdoors. Not to mention all that litter.
   There are hopes, however, that the extra costs can be made up from parking fines imposed on those who leave their vehicle outside the designated zones.

marker“I see no ships!” or Mandelsleaze Forever!
As far as lobbying of the government goes, the British public is sick & tired of being sick & tired. Not that it will do any good. The cronies will always be able to insert a snout and the heads of the civil service will continue to put their telescopes to a blind eye.

markerOn its way
The latest scam from the GW fraudsters is Energy Democracy. The bottom line of this innovation is that you pay twice as much for an unreliable service and you have to look cheerful about it because TANFA**.
[**There Ain't No F-in' Alternative. Ed.]

no fly Seven hours to check a passport at an underused airport? Sounds like the border staff are racing along @ full pelt.
   Makes you proud to be Britisch!
   It certainly seems to be a sound strategy for discouraging people from coming in to the country with new variants of the Chinese plague. Not to mention putting the resident customers off leaving the UK.
reader comment“The government is clearly working up to making the customer spend 10 days doing el cheapo quarantine in a queue @ an airport.” David Afterburner
update The Indian variant of the plague is unable to find enough customers in its country of origin and it has started trying to export itself to the UK. Good job our borders are so opaque.

bulletQ: Is the world really holding its collective breath over Putin the Poisoner's sabre rattling around Ukraine?
bulletA: Nope. According to the Xperts, President Gopher Joe & NATO won't get into a shootin' war over Ukraine, so there is nowt to be bovvered about.

Sun reader comment“If everything is made in China, why should we be surprised that the plague also comes from there? Even if the BBC won't admit it.” Lau Zang
reader comment“Hoo wood have thunk the universalies wood get so stuck for custombers they'd let anyperson in, even if they caint spell.” Gerry Mander

bulletQ: How many of the Royal Mail covers celebrating Prince Philip's 100th birthday managed to leak out of the recycling bin and into the outside world?
bulletA: The size of the philatelic forgery industry is making a guess v. difficult.

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“Wee Burneystan's fave pacifier!”
“Brain-fade for the masses, all day and every day”

Wee BurneyFar Queue symbol Anyone who claims getting a shot of the vaccine for the Chinese plague was an emotional moment is either a politician lying her head off or someone in serious need of getting a life.

eyes Scotland being out of the EFU now, and the travel restrictions caused by the Chinese plague, are putting a severe crimp in the activities of the Romanian human slavery gangs, which have been operating quite freely north of the border.
   The activities of the police in Scotland & Romania, and Interpol, are not helping either.

markerWibblegate vs Davegate
—a severe case of Who Cares Who Wins?

Amazing Fact It costs FakeBuk $20,000,000 per year for security guards to prevent the founder from being lynched.

marker23,000 out, 23,000 in
The illegitimate regime in Burma has released 23,000 criminals from the nation's gaols to make room for pro-democracy & anti-junta protesters. The licence terms for the prisoners include a requirement to target the junta's enemies Xclusively.

bullet Yesterday's silent call came from 001 13127 030059.

first class stampreader comment“It's easy to spot who our friends are, and Canadian President J. Turdo is definitely not one of them if he is confecting fake news about the state of the Chinese plague in UK in order to distract attention from the miserable roll-out of vaccination in Canada with him in charge.” Regal Buffet

markerJust more iggorance on the interweb
There will be no fish left in the oceans by 2048, is a pretty dramatic claim to make. No need to panic, though. It comes from an outfit that seems to be out of the same box as Greenhouse Grotter.
   The honchos admit that they are not scientists, which makes their claim look like something totally worthless from attention seekers. But it's giving people who subscribe to NeatFlix a big thrill.

bullet NASA is planning to spend BILLIONs of dollars on putting a woman and a person of couleur on the Moon. Within a decade, maybe, but don't hold them to it.
   The trippers won't be going there to do anything useful, just to give the diversity mob one less thing to moan about.
   Predictably, Marsman Musk will get the job of providing the vehicle.

tick symbol Still with NASA, their helicopter on Mars, which rejoices in the name of Ingenuity, has managed to make a short flight despite the almost total lack of an atmosphere on the Red Planet. Parallels with the first efforts of Orville & Wilbur Wright on Earth are currently being mass-produced.

markerMoving on
Does it come as any great surprise that o'besity now causes more heart attacks than smoking? Not really. Smoking has been made socially unacceptable. Stuffing your face to bursting point hasn't. Yet.

first class stampreader comment“The Wee Scittish poseur was talking tripe about her plague vaccination last week. I've had two shots of Oxo and getting the armsful was no different from getting an annual flu jab. Wee Beesom was just doing a pointless 'Look at me! Aren't I brave?' piece of political garbage when she claimed it was an emotional moment.” Lau Chet

Far Queue symbol Predictably, the UN is trying to confect outrage at the disclosure in a report by non-white Xperts that institutional rachelism in the UK is a wonk fiction. Too many vested & panted interests @ the UNO not to.

markerPoison didn't work but the Putinocracy is quietly hopeful that their prison regime will do in Kreml critic A. Navalny, who is now languishing in a hospital ward.

bulletQ: Why is policing such a disaster in the Merseyside area?
bulletA: Because Chief Constable Cooke, who has just departed to spend time with an over-generous and undeserved pension, thinks criminals are really great guys and seriously misunderstood.

Surprise! The latest confection from the Law Society is that self-drive vehicles are ray-sist, sexist and every other ist going, and they discriminate against the handicapped because they are designed by able-bodied men.

Surprise! Chinese public health officials told a visiting Aussie Xpert that the food market @ Wuhan was a disease bomb waiting to happen back in 2014.

bullet Rangers @ the Kruger National Park in Sarf Efrica have hit on the strategy of driving poachers into the vicinity of some elephants to get them trampled to death by the animals they were trying to kill.

 the FOURTH WEEK 

 
cup of teamarkerThe way ahead
Workers in the Third World are now living in fear & trembling for the future. Frankensteins in San Diego, USA, are successfully creating human/monkey chimeras, which will one day become the world's workforce requiring just a few bananas and a couple of mugs of tea per day to keep them going.
   Similar experiments are also on-going in China.

Perspective Hull University has managed to horrify Boris's Universities Minister with its plan to ignore illiteracy and crude spelling on the part of its customers. She is appalled that a university thinks that inclusivity is all about dumbing down to the max.

Revealed Russian superstar V.I. Lenin was looked down upon in the unappreciative West because he was daft enough to pick an Irishman with a strong accent to teach him to speak English instead enlisting an English useful idiot, who could have made a proper job of it.
   Peter the Great, in contrast, remained great by speaking only the language of diplomacy in the 18th century—French. But a communist learn from an aristo? Never going to happen.

markerSomething to look forward to with eager anticipation
marker The Department of Global Warming Frauds is considering a points system for solid fuel, gas & electricity similar to the one introduced by the wartime government in April 1942.
   The system is also likely to be retrospective, like the one imposed 80 years ago, which will upset conspicuous consumers mightily!

markerReassuring NHS TV advertisement
"If you have a cough that won't go away, and it isn't the Chinese plague, it could be cancer."
   But don't worry. There are only 4,700,000 people ahead of you in the queue for treatment.


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markerPragmatism wins
Recreational cricket took no notice of the ECB decision to pause county championship matches for an hour and 20 minutes during Prince Philip's funeral services. A minute's silence, and then the rest of cricket 'got on with it', in accordance with the advice of the late Duke. Which makes sense with clubhouses and pavilions locked up because of plague regulations.
   Loitering around, safely spaced, for 100 minutes in the middle of a cricket match is no way to behave. Unless it's raining, of course.

Wee Burney legsRevealed Wee Burney Sturgeon's personifesto Plan for Scotlandland for the next session of the parliament there will cost English taxpayers around £49 BILLION/year if introducing a 4-day week, specified minimum incomes for singles, families & pensioners, and all the other stuff happens.
   Will Scittish taxpayers realize that President Boris is liable to return a hearty "Get lost!" to such a demand? We'll see.

Far Queue symbol Denmark is trying to swap its stocks of the Oxford vaccine, which is not being using because it's Britisch, for other brands. The big problem about that is that the EFU has done such a good job of spreading fake news about the AstraZeneca product that there are no takers.

first class stampreader comment“It doesn't say much for the quality of the people the Democraps insert into the Senate of the Untied States if one of them can go on the record as saying she hoped the ex-cop, who was on trial for the demise of G. Floyd, ended up on the wrong end of a guilty verdict. Instant grounds for appeal, the trial judge commented.” Lynn Kedin

markerWe do not have the technology
Vaccine passports are sliding to the status of something that is talked about but not likely to happen because no one can figure out how to build a workable system rather than another government mega-data system, which becomes another huge and embarrassing flop.

First class stampreader comment“What Xactly does the BBC's Head of Diversity mean when hx rules that an actor is not black enough in his on-screen diet? Does the target of the disapproval have to eat boiled missionary & chips in a couple of episodes of his show in order to become diversionally acceptable again?” N. Hralvigal

markerWonderful legacy
R. Castro (89), brother of F. (deceased), has resigned from his sinecure as honcho of Cuba's job-for-life commies with a 'job done' message. The job in questions seems to be achieving out-of-sight inflation, mass unemployment, food shortages and no one allowed to do nothing without a bribe to their local CP guy.

tick symbol “You got this, Manchester!”
But got what? The plague?

markerThere are just too many disaster-confecting weirdos with nothing better to do with themselves making pests of themselves
There are those among us who think that The Planet is on its knees because of 'umans. But any adult who doesn't know that planets do not have knees, or that this one has survived being a ball of molten rock, being a space iceberg & everything in between during its 4.5 billion years of existence, has not been paying attention.

Sly'un in action


The Sly’un in action! or ‘Mess with vons at your peril’

Knowing that the visiting presidential blokes, Michel of the Europeon Council (centre) and Erdogan of Turkey (right) would bag the posh chairs, the honchoess of the Euro Commission, Mrs. von der Leyen, arranged a little surprise for one of them.


markerThe decline of the fluffy Old English sheepdog may well force paint manufacturer Dulux to turn to the Japanese for a robot substitute to feature in the company's future advertising campaigns.

vulturemarkerIt’s all about the money, really
The pharmaceutical industry is aghast at the growing practice of doctors prescribing an 'honest placebo'. The customer is told that (s)he will get harmless sugar pills instead of an expensive and potentially lethal drug. In a surprising number of cases, the customer still obtains relief from a painful condition.
   Big drop in pharma profits involved, though.

perspective Not giving visas to members of foreign clubs in the proposed Europeon Super League would have been a good way of keeping it arm's length if it had not hit the buffers of its own accord.


Covid, Crumple, CorpseReasons to be Cheerful:
One, Two, Three ---------------------->


marker The Chinese plague has done no favours to people graduating with a first degree or a 2-1. Hefty grade inflation has cast a shadow over the awards and devalued them considerably.

markerMass Xtinction? Not quite yet
We are invited to be horrified & terrified by the fact that zillions of microparticles of plastic are surging around the world and ending up everywhere.
   What is in very short supply, though, is evidence that they do anything different to the zillions of tiny bits of soil, rock and plants, which have been in circulation forever.

coloured cheddar


 Which local supermarket is provoking the confecters by selling what they could pretend is ray-sist ‘coloured’ cheese?
[Answers on a PC to the usual address. Ed.]


tick symbol “E.S.L.? Go To Hell!”
“Okay.”
And it did.

Kreepy pantsmarker Sir Kreepy Steamer will issue a statement about the failed Europeon Super League after someone tells him what this football thing is all about.
Far Queue symbol The Wearer of the Kreepy Pantz of Kontrol is making a big thing over sleaze and his record for doing over lotz of expenses-cheat MPs when he was Director of Public Prostitutions. Curiously, he seems to have forgotten how many Labour MPs ended up in gaol. Selective amnesia of a politician intent on sleazing the other lot?

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US-ish flagmarkerLots more to come
The jury might have delivered the demanded verdict in the trial of the ex-cop D. Chauvin for the murder of G. Floyd—and avoided a lynch mob—but that's just the start of it.
   Chauvin vs The Union in the appeal courts will rake up a ton of prejudicial evidence, including awarding the Floyd family $27 million in blood money before the trial and a Democrap US senator lobbying for a guilty verdict during the trial.
   Railroading someone to the fate which lotz of people want, including President Gopher Joe, is still railroading and illegal. Except in Putinstan, of course.

markerFree & easy does it
The Big Handout Squawks Group of Tory(!) MPs is demanding a £500 handout to 18 to 24-year-olds 'coz of the Chinese plague, 20 quid per week more for those on Universal Credit, the axe for the £4 billion cut in overseas aid, and like that.
   Where's all the cash coming from? Silence.
first class stampreader comment“Nothing for pensioners? Like 20 quid per week more? What a buncha miserable gitz.” Hotep Amin
reader comment“If these are looney left Tories, what are the real raving loonies in the Labour party offering? I think we should be told.” Ratt 10krantz

cross symbol “You got it, Peloton!”
But got what? A treadmill that eats small kids & pets, actually.

bulletBig disappointment. Dave the ex-Leader didn't break any of the rules when he was doing his lobbying and he remains unsleazed.
   Labour is puce with frustration.

vulturemarkerIn the firing line
Men over 40 are to be blitzed with an advertising campaign to persuade them not to get type 2 diabetes and overload the NHS even more.
   Probably the only thing that will work is a warning that assassination squads are the next move if the ad campaign flops.

bulletQ: How do you spot a Russian diplomat?
bulletA: They're the blokes sneaking around with bombs and blowing up bitz of the Czech Republic.

Posturing PelosimarkerBlame Vince’s gang
If you want to know why there were power and internet blackouts recently, it's because over a billion weirdos wasted ENORMOUS amounts of both on looking at WW Wrestlemania stuff.

markerThe latest from the Xperts in Australia is that women who wear too much make-up are perceived to be slags.

markerFlopperoony
The world's biggest iceberg, which was the size of the county of Norfolk, has failed to destroy the Overseas Territory of South Georgia. It melted during its journey to the north and dropped to bitz before it got into demolition range.
   The world's panic merchants are aghast at the waste of lotz of effort. Even though they knew from the start that this was going to happen.


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skull 2Relax!
Some research in the Untied States has reached the cheerful conclusion that Millennials won't have to worry about pensions. They are getting obese in their 30s and they'll croak from the conditions it causes before hitting retirement age.

bulletQ: "From Hell, Hull and Halifax may the good Lord deliver us" is a phrase which has been around since the 17th century. Is that when Hull University's anti-literacy campaign began?
bulletA: It is believed to have been coined by some French bloke who called himself Nostradamus and had a touring fortune telling act—which didn't go down too well in Yorkshire.

bone helmetH.M. Inspectorate of Constabulary has concluded that coppers are avoiding making arrests to avoid a dose of the plague from an infected criminal. Hardened BGs of all descriptions are getting away with just about everything imaginable.
   In fact, the only people who aren't are those who can be Kerching!ed with a fine for breaking plague regulations.

Far Queue symbol Former EFU Commission honcho J.-C. Druncker is still living up to his name if he really believes that if he had ignored Dave the then-Leader and come to the UK to tell us how wonderful the EFU is, we'd still be in it.
first class stampreader comment“You can tell Dave is a Remainer. If he'd let Druncker come here to campaign, the majority won by the Leave campaign would have been ginormous. If there's one thing we Britisch won't stand for, it's being patronized by some foreigner with his hand in our pocket up to the elbow.” Shill Bebak

markerDos dedos to the doom mongers
Some of the alleged plague Xperts are yelling about a 3rd wave of the Chinese plague killing 30,000-50,000 people.
   But the academic whose predictions have been consistently accurate, Professor P. Thomas of Bristol U., reckons that while huge number of people will be infected; maybe 160,000 at the peak; the death rate will be low and symptoms will be mild thanks to the success of the vaccination programme.
   Bin SAGE, listen to Bristol!

first class stampA suppository narrative . . .
reader comment“I suppose one of the blokes in Abba still having the hump about getting nul points from the UK in the Eurovision Song Contest 40 years ago is about as suppository as you can get.” Brad Ooft
reader comment“Likewise President Boris's bollux bid to end all UK carbon emissions by next week. Or whenever.” Giva Ninch

bulletQ: If coffee plants can adapt to a different climate, what's stopping 'uman beanz from doing the same?
bulletA: Coffee plants don't have a deepening sense of victimhood and helplessness ingrained in them. Prolly a DNA thing.
meanwhileThe world is standing on the verge of an abyss, the Secretary of the UNO, General A. Guterres, is trying to tell us. His video statement to the world is being delayed, however, until he can do it to camera in a way that makes him look like he believes what he's saying.
reader comment“Let us not forget that the UNO is 100% about politics and 0% about science & the real world. Which puts the doomism in context.” Magna Mopus
reader comment“Likewise Groanpeace and their rivals, who have to keep on telling us the wheels are coming off to keep the cash coming in.” Guy Gemn

wandering snakebulletQ: Why are Afrons not getting vaccinated against the Chinese plague?
bulletA: Because the likes of Bishop Climate are flogging them bottles of a divine protection snake oil, plus a free bit of red string to tie round their waist as extra protection, @ £91 per pop and they think that's a better bet than a free vaccination that's going to fill them up with nanochips (allegedly).

markerBarclaycard is redefining the concept of a credit card by giving most of its customers a credit limit of £3.50.

Far Queue symbol A bunch of antisocial bozos @ Cardiff U. wants the government to put up food prices with an eye-watering tax to leave the customers unable to afford wine.

bulletQ: If you're a Buddhist, what's a good way to ensure good luck in your next incarnation?
bulletA: Building a guillotine and chopping his own head off seemed like a good idea to a monk in Thailand.
[We're still waiting to hear if it worked. Ed.]

face maskIt's true, the Labour party is in a state of acute distress because the lobbying system works. Dave the ex-Leader pushed buttons on behalf of Greenswill but he didn't get cash for them because no one bought his story.

look leftSic as a parrot transit
The David Livingstone museum in Blantyre has had a £9 million refurb, which has shifted the emphasis sideways to Mary, the wife, who spoke 6 languages and was a tireless organizer.
   She has been promoted to CEO of Team Livingstone. David, the man whom the history books have lauded as an influential missionary & explorer, has been downgraded to a figurehead and mere PR guy.

red eyeToday's Word: Apophantic
Someone who doesn't get the true nature of reality but collects the same abnormal meanings from every different set of circumstances.
see also: rachel bias confecter

markerFurther to a CLIMATE NEWS item back in June of 2016 . . .
Back then, we consulted a local weather archive to generate an average noon temperature for the month of June in England over the previous 40 years. Five years on, we've calculated a 6th average [in bold below] in exactly the same way as the previous 5 values:
grinning Sun      1975     17.9 deg.C
     1985     15.8 deg.C
     1995     16.6 deg.C
     2005     18.3 deg.C
     2015     17.9 deg.C
     2020     18.0 deg.C
Which leaves us asking again: "Were's all this warming if June of last year scored pretty much the same as June 45 years ago and June 5 years ago?

bullet Lest we forget, the IRA is still killing people and planting bombs in Northern Ireland. So what's that Good Friday Agreement really worth?

skull 1This year’s prize for pointlessness . . .
. . . goes to the organizers of the British Town Crier Championships, who know that people yelling "Oyez!" and stuff will breach plague regulations.
   Last year, they cancelled the event. This year, the winner will be picked on the basis of a written entry.
   Daft, or what!
first class stampreader comment“Apparently, there's a sinister element of diversity and inclusivity coming in to play. The old clanging the bell and yelling discriminated against people who didn't have much of a voice and wouldn't be heard a couple of feet away, never mind across the town square. The new system gives a no-headed, one-lunged albino from the planet Zarg the same chance as someone who can actually Town Cry.” Al Amo

markerConventional Wisdom: Bollocks vs Buffers? If politics is involved, the bollocks will always hit the buffers and they will always win. But it may take decades or even centuries.

marker The week-long boycott of auntie-social meeja by English Football League clubs has become four days. Which shows how serious they are about it.

markerPointless guilt trip
That's the one the bloke who took the phoney $20 note from G. Floyd is on. His story is that if he had told Floyd to get lost, there wouldn't have been all the trouble.
reader comment“Or if Mr. Floyd hadn't been spending funny money in a local shop where he was known . . . And all the rest.” I.O. Vry

eyes"E.S.S.L., go to Hell!"
"Okay."
And it did!

skull 1Greenhouse Grotter-Boris—what’s his Xcuse?
How many people will freeze to death when President Boris makes gas central heating illegal and bans solid fuel and there isn't enough 'green' electricity to go around?
   How many people will be blown to bitz if he tries to substitute hydrogen for natural gas? How many will starve if nutritious food is banned or priced off the market?
   What's Boris's plan for when the wind don't blow and the Sun don't shine? Silence.
first class stampreader comment“Not that he or his partner-in-crime Gopher Joe will be anywhere in sight when the body count starts to soar. They'll be long gone from politics.” Doshan Swede Anya
reader comment“Flying will become unaffordable and all those foreign holiday resorts will go broke. And H2S ain't going to zoom if there ain't no electric. And no one is going to want to go anywhere in an electric car that bursts into flames. Which means all we'll be able to do is sit at home and stuff ourselves with food bought with all the cash we don't spend on travelling. And croak at home due to some o'besity-related condition 'coz we'll be too incredibly fat to get through a door and leave the house.” Tawny Curtin
[You can tell it's a Monday! Ed.]

markerSomething to look forward to
If the experience of users in the Untied States is anything to go by, electric cars burn and burn when they crash because the batteries won't stop self-igniting until they have been beaten to death, especially if the car is a Tesla.

markerSinister development
The fire department which put out a crashed driverless Tesla in the US—eventually—was able to tell a reporter that 38,000 gallons of water were needed to kill the self-igniting batteries.
   Is this a warning that fire brigades everywhere are going to start adding up how much water they use and stick the customer with a massive bill as part of the "use less to prevent gorbal warming" scam?
reader comment“Sounds like another excuse to double home insurance policy premiums.” Robbi Nud

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markerUnloved and pissed off about it
marker Vlad the Putin is feeling left out and picked on by the rest of the world, which is why he ordered his customers in Putinstan to double their love for him to make up. The order to do so was included in his annual state of the nation speech.

bulletThe Europeon Flea Market—whatever became of that?

look bothThe world is aghast that it has taken the feeble British government only a decade to fulfil a pledge to cut overseas aid to China, the country with all the money in the world after it crippled everywhere else with its plague.
   The bad news is that the Foreign Office is still going to chuck two million quid of taxpayers' cash @ the Yellow Peril for the foreseeable future. And only the F.O. is cutting back. Other government departments are still hurling vast amounts of cash @ China with no accountability in prospect.

markerThe Church of England is finding tackling rachelism in its ranks a real problem because there isn't all that much of it. Accordingly, it has appointed a rachelism confection team to create a problem substantial enough for the unconfecters to get their teeth into.

bulletQ: What are all the gorbal warming swindles actually achieving?
bulletA: About the same effect as one person peeing into an erupting volcano.

face maskSomeone needs to explain to Sir Kreepy Steamer that if President Boris or Tory donors paid for the work done on the flat @ 11 Downing Street, taxpayers' money wasn't involved.
reader comment“No wonder he got the boot as Dir. of Pub. Prost. if he's too dim to grasp something as simple as that.” Otto Better

Far Queue symbolThe boss of Italian football gang Juventus is blaming the crash of the E.S.S.L. on Brexit. He has been awarded a 'B' for bollocks rather than an 'I' for Imagination.

first class stampreader comment“Is President Boris going to cough up the 2.6 million quid blown on the briefing room that he's not longer planning to use?” Splatny Kraposhch

bullet Labour is failing to sink President Boris with actual sleaze. That's why it has turned to the virtual sort.
reader comment“One up-side for President Boris is that Sir Kreepy is such a rotten actor. When he makes his phoney accusations, everyone can see it's just a lawyer bending the truth out of shape, like they do.” Al Q'atraz

markerFear factor
The threat of a boot up the backside from the government has forced the country's Top 24 universities to make noises about cancelling the cancel culture on their premises. Whether anything more than noise occurs remains to be seen. Especially as the gang includes the notorious canceller Oxford U.

markerModest man with modest plan
President pro-tem of the Untied States J. Bidet is promising to put an end to rachelism in the police there. Not a word about doing something about criminality in the ranks of their customers, though.
reader comment“Nothing about Getting America Interesting Again either.” Jacq Pott
reader comment“President Boris is getting a well deserved kicking for all his virtue signalling and green bollocks. Sucking up to Pres. Bidet is all very well but the rest of us can't afford his crap.” Def Lator

first class stampRustlers beware!
It's not just valuable animals which are disappearing during the plague season. Romiley Cactus Club has had to have its prize specimens implanted with microchips to allow any cheeky thieves to be tracked down and suitably chastised with exceeding vigour.

markerBank of England to open new Northern pub.
[cancel the 'p', insert an 'h'. Ed.]

Useless Information Department
bulletQ: How many bubbles are there in the head on a 250 ml glass of lager?
bulletA: Between 200,000 and 2,000,000, depending on how the drink is poured out.

skull 2What the Dead Enders like Greenhouse Grotter and now President Boris never get; because they're a useless bunch; is that change is the natural order of things, and if they try to prevent it, The Planet will steamroller over them and squish them like bugs while the real people look on and cheer.

look bothbulletQ: If the Church of England has the job of bishop, will it have to have the alternative transshop on diversity grounds?
bulletA: Prolly. And the job of cisshop, or cißhop, as well.
reader comment“Let us not leave out the singular mono-shop alternative to the bi-shop job. Or maybe that should be uni-shop?” L.B.W. Johnson
reader comment“They could even have hip-shop for the really with-it guys.” Forry Nehr

Kreepy pantsmarkerA stolid member of the sleaze generation himself
Sadly for Sir Kreepy Streamer, while he was pretending to Dir. Publ. Prost., the Labour party was producing Mandelsleaze on an industrial scale and Labour ministers were getting the sack for it on what felt like a daily basis. Which makes Boris & Co. look like rank amateurs.
   So when the Wearer of the Pantz of Kontrol starts pointing fingers and doing his sleaze chant, he will always have fingers accompanied by appropriate reminders pointed right back at him .

Bombshell It is entirely possible that Defenestrated Dom's stories could be Xtremely undamaging to President Boris.
reader comment“Someone needs to remind the editor of the Daily Excitable and other meeja organs, such as TV companies, that ‘sources' are not evidence. Stooges will say anything to get a bit of attention or some revenge for an imagined slight.” Nikki Moanalot.

marker‘Journal of the Plague Year’ recycled
"Doctor, Doctor, I'm feeling a bit wonky."
   "I'm afraid wonky is now the new normal. Come and see me if you find yourself not feeling wonky."


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bulletQ: What's a really brilliant way to stop gorbal warming?
bulletA: Take a gang of wimmen armed with hammers & chisels bearing slogans to a branch of HSBC and break plate glass windows to the tune of £160,000. That will definitely save The Planet. And get one of the vandals elected as the next cosmetic mayor of London.

markerPutin’ on the pretence
Putinstan is spending so much on regime projects, like the blessed leader's vast Black Seaside palace, that the budget for serious military hardware has run out.
   Which is why the balloon manufacturer RuskBallon has been called in to create a range of inflatables. Hundreds of blown-up tanks and aircraft are now being moored in empty spaces @ military bases all over Putinstan and its occupied territories in an attempt to bamboozle satellite threat counters.

Russian inflatable tank

bulletQ: What should I serve @ my Frite Nite horror film party?
bulletA: How about a spicy ghoulash?

 FIFTH      

 
markerPunctured
The alleged Russian military withdrawal from encircled Ukraine is down to Pres. Bidet of the Untied States. According to the Xperts, he authorized CIA special agent snipers to shoot holes in Russian blow-up imitations of tanks & fighter aircraft, the existence & deployment of which was reported here yesterday. [see above]
   The assignments were carried out @ night to give the Russians a chance to remove the damaged balloons to save face and avoid raising the tension level in the region further.
updateThe head of the British Secret Intelligence Service has confirmed that his organization also took part in the pot-shotting of Putinstan's inflatables, which forced the retreat from the encirclement of Ukraine. Which explains the success of the operation.

markerUnpunctured
Locko has put a severe crimp in the activities of the bamboozlers who depoltergeist homes, which people have bought in good faith and found to be uninhabitable. Unlocko will be the salvation of the dispersers' bank balances and ensure that this vital public service remains available.

bulletQ: What's a good way to upset Manchester United's overpaid posturing prancers?
bulletA: A gang of fans going to their training ground to confront the manager about the failed E.S.S.L. will do it.

LOOK!markerCommando Campaign
French women are protesting against the closure of essential lingerie shops by sending their pants, which they can't replace, to the French Prime Monster. Who won't actually see them because he has minions to screen his post for bombs and other items of protest.

bulletQ: If everyone and his cat is selling dodgy cars on the interweb, will there be enuff to go around?
bulletA: Dodginess, like a gas, can always Xpand to fill the available space.

markerYou can’t get dumber
rang! The EFU is to take legal action against AstraZeneca over the supply, or lack of it, of the Oxford vaccine against the Chinese plague.
   That's the vaccine which is sitting in fridges all over Europe because the burrocraps in charge of the EFU & individual governments—that's Mherkel, MacRon, etc.—started a fake news campaign against the Oxford vaccine and made people run a mile when offered a dose.
   The only possible conclusion from this state of affairs is that Mrs. v.d. Leyen and her fellow burrocraps have been buying lotz of shares in companies which manufacture fridges.

first class stampreader comment“It's all very well for Pres. Bidet to issue a pledge that the Untied States will cut their carbon emissions in half by 2030—probably by cooking the books and Xporting lotz of it—but will he be around to issue a grovelling apology if it doesn't happen? A bloke of his great age?” Gorrie Zontal

bullet + + + Dangerous Dom savages President Boris & Scary Carrie a bit + + + Helps nation to forget Chinese plague for at least a few minutes + + + Hands ammunition to Sir Kreepy Steamer + + + He ends up firing blanks, as usual + + + Nation yawns, gets on with something useful + + +

markerIn case anyone is wondering . . .
. . . okay, you weren't, but M. BashedEar, the man who bamboozled Princess Diana, is playing the 'poor me' card and he has retired from public life with more medical conditions than you can shake a stick at, including the Chinese plague.

Bashir interrogates Diana
In case anyone is wondering 'Who he?', he's the one with specs

Yawn 2marker If President Boris paid for the refurb of the flat @ 11 Downing Street, there is no scandal.
   If President Boris considered other options, was told there were not available and ended up paying for the refurb himself, there is no scandal and all the BS is just deflecting attention away from real scandals.

bulletQ: Defenestrated Domgate and Flatgate could turn out to be the non-events of the year. If so, will there be enough egg around to anoint the faces of all the people who wasted vast amounts of time on them?
bulletA: Maybe imports from China could be used to bridge any gaps.
reader comment“Maybe the egging could be done publicly so that 'anoint' becomes 'annoynt'. Just a thought.” Mick Stupp

bulletQ: What is being blamed for India's catastrophic wave of the Chinese plague?
bulletA: Religion, mainly. Mass gatherings of spreaders @ religious festivals. But sporting events and big weddings are also being blamed.

shark markerFake news warning
A great white shark, which was tagged off Canada, is being tracked as it heads across the Atlantic to Yourope. Victimhood confecters are playing the 'could be heading for the UK' card but as the last great white known to have made the trip, back in 2014, ended up @ Portugal, this is a more probable destination for the latest visitor.
[Why is the shark blue? The Atlantic at this time of year ain't exactly warm. Ed.]

Knee of GraceStill jerking a bit
An attempt by cricket's ruling wonks to redefine all sorts of established cricketing terms has hit the buffers at an angle. The wonks tried to play the accessibility card but outraged fans let them know vigorously that the wonks were achieving the exact opposite by Xcluding long-standing fans.
   Gender neutrality is still going ahead in order that a knee is seen to be jerked a bit, no matter how pointlessly.

bulletQ: I just read that the Archbish of Cantab is adding a Rancid Justice Sunday to the Christian calendar. Is he, or do I need a new pair of specs?
bulletA: With all the confecting going on among those who used to be the great & the good, it's difficult to separate ambition from actuality & fakery these days.

US flagmarker There's a bloke done over to look approximately like a woman trying to become the governor of California.
   Well, where else?

bulletQ: Who is Free Summer? Why does he/she have to be masked?
bulletA: I think you'll find that's Mask-Free Summer, clotheyes!

markerNot so much news as obvious
Are we even slightly surprised to learn that Britain's biggest supergrass has an enormous price on his head? We'd be surprised only if we were told that evil & vicious gaoled criminals weren't trying to have him killed.

markermarkerNot getting the job done
The quality of jurors has to be called into question when they are prepared to acquit Xtinctionist vandals who have no legal defence, according to the trial judge. Maybe we need to import Dr. Bull from the Untied States to do some jury rigging to get the justice system dishing out justice again rather than wonkosity.
reader comment“Maybe the wonks need to be told that the taxpayer won't cough up their jury duty expenses if they abuse the system.” Lee Kyi Tap

marker Lock-in has switched the emphasis of criminals from burgalry to fraud, the Xperts reckon. Bank fraud, for instance, is up 60-odd per cent.

marker Police in Surrey have busted a suspect in the case of a nutter who has been chopping down trees with a chainsaw. 35 cases of dendritic murder have been logged. Sounds like the guy was really desperate for a hobby.

marker Stuck for an idea for a brilliant, best-selling book? Well, why not try something along the lines of Edward VIII, the uncrowned king from the pre-war era, was a Narzi spy?
   He's dead so he won't be able to sue anyone, no matter how much bollux is confected about him.

reader comment“Heathrow airport—how does it get away with its appalling sexism & lack of diversity? It needs to be renamed Hxathrow airport immediately!” Mini Mize

bulletQ: Fishgate?
bulletA: Sir Kreepy Steamer claimed he was astonished by something or other. Which produced a stormy backlash of disbelief. People were unwilling to accept that a cold fish lawyer is capable of reaching any emotional state, including astonishment.
[Although, the legal trade has demonstrated on many occasions that astonishment, rage, etc. can be confected if there is enuff cash on the table. Ed.]

markerIf you didn’t learn home cooking during locko, you’re sunk!
If you were hoping to dine out when lock-in is terminated, think again if you live in the South-East of England. Eateries are finding that waiters are in short or no supply and staff out front & in the kitchen want wages 50% higher than pre-locko rates.
   Eatery operators are now wondering if they can get away with enormous price rises or whether it would be a better idea to give up and find something else to do.
   Things are somewhat better Up North, where staff tend to be local people rather than migrants from Europe.


Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, April MM21 like anyone cares