Now would be a good time to start panic buying
Everyone needs to start their Xmas shopping yesterday before everything runs out, is the message from the retail trade. There will be shortages due to companies not restocking some items made in China due to soaring shipping costssome up 4x or even 10xand a major shortage of containers because the cost of sending empty ones back to China has also gone through the roof.
Q: Can we impose Western values @ the barrel of a gun? Former BBC legend & Grace Brothers essential Mr. Humphreys reckons it won't work.
A: Worked for the Talibandits.
[Worked for the Talibandits until someone with more and bigger guns arrived after the attack on the World Trade Centre in New York. Worked until American realized that Afghanistan is not worth the effort. Ed.]
Is the cover of the Nirvana album Nevermind child porn? Not if it has been around unchallenged for 30 years. Which makes the objection raised by the alleged grown-up version of the baby featured on the cover just a crude attempt to grab some cash.
“Certainly not nearly as pornographic as hiring some pervert to direct the action when you're shagging your spouse.” Anti Kuwait
“After all these years, no one is going to look @ the bloke and realize he's the kid on the album cover. Thus any embarrassment has to be totally self-inflicted by an attention-seeker. Who merits a slap round the back of the head for being a twat.” Semi Luvvi
Meteorological summer is now over because the boobies @ the Met Office can't handle something finishing three-quarters of the way through a month rather than tidily at the end of the previous month.
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Hearing from attention-seekers, long lists of things that might, maybe, perhaps have turned out differently if things had been handled differently in the past is of no help to the task of dealing with the present as it is.
In fact, their witterings are just a distraction from doing what needs to be done, which makes being as rude as possible to them when telling them to fuck off the only sensible way to treat them.
There's only one thing to say to all the people bitching about what happened in Afghanistan. It happened, you can't change it no matter how long you go on about it, so shut up or drop dead.
“It has all happened and there's nothing Those People can do to reverse anything. so hear, hear! to that belt up and drop dead message.” Roger Lithium
“Those People making themselves useful by belting up or dropping dead? Never going to happen. It's against their religion to be useful.” Roger Swell
No bugger is impressed
The Bonk of England's management is trying to pretend that this national institution never had anything to do with anyone who had anything to do with the slave trade or knew anyone in the biz, or anyone had even heard of it.
But it's just Those People being posturing hypocrites again, like they do. Yawn.
Creaky Joe has awarded the Talibandits US military hardware which cost taxpayers in the Untied States some $70 BILLION. Black Hawk helicopters, which are the bee's knees, were included in the package.
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Scary Carrie is getting the blame for letting an ex-marine, who was living in Afghanistan, claim priority over people for his 200 pets during the evacuation operation @ Kabul airport.
Do we care that Scary Carrie's refurb of the 11 Downing Street residential flat cost President Boris £52K or even more?
We'd have been bovvered only if it had cost £520K and the taxpayer had been stuck with the bill rather than His Borisness.
Those People obviously have way too much time on their hands if they're moaning about this.
The national treasure Pete Boggs is to cop for around £16,000,000 of taxpayers' cash. Or something.
As a result of the Chinese plague, the NHS has run out of the glass vials used for blood samples and its Dracula Department is currently on short time. Or even no time at all, in places. So if you're thinking of going to your GP for a blood test, think again because the chances are you won't get it. Unless you take your own bottle.
Putin the Poisoner makes the opponents he railroaded into a penal colony cum re-education camp near Moscow pretend to watch Soviet propaganda films for 8 hours per day, every day. The bastard!
Today's Explanation: posthumorous biopicone which takes the Mick out of those of the departed who deserve it.
Olympic swimist A. Peaty offers us an awful warning about the perils of not paying attention . . .
The New Normal is a steady increase in the number of people killed and injured by drunk drivers, and one-eighth of the NHS budget spent on diabetessomething which is rising relentlessly.
“Luvvie actresses who claim that the Xtinctionists are the only people who are doing anything to ensure the survival of The Planet need to be clapped in the stocks for a couple of wet weekends.” Claud Fingers
“Especially if they agree that broccoli is The Planet's main enemy, which can be combatted only by dancing round clumps of it in city streets.” Inn Kitin
“Same with the exhibitionists who take their top off to show off a boob job in the name of saving The Planet. The only snag is that they would enjoy a chance to show off their boobs in the stocks a bit too much.” Carey Crocodile
“Maybe we could export the Xtinctionists to Afghanistan to tell the Talibandits how they can make a contribution toward saving The Planet. It's not as if they have anything useful to do with themselves. That's the Talibandits and the Xtinctionists.” Hac Atthe
“If Afghanistan can afford to give guns & ammo to millions of thugs, it can afford to feed and educate its population, and create somewhere decent to live without our help.” Hazi Tate
“Def Con One? We all know what a con is, don't we!” Mik Groaning
The BBC is currently shedding licence payers at an average rate of half a million per year through its inability to compete with the streamers.
Self-appointed Xperts are claiming that if the British Army hadn't been shrunk to its present miserable state over the years, we'd still be in charge in Afghanistan. Without the Yanks? Dream on!
“Apparently, Creaky Joe is getting the blame for all the equipment which the Afghan army just handed over to the Talibandits by running away. Dreadful injustice!” Frei Degg
If you think Uncle Ben was cancelled by company bosses pandering to nasty bastard rachelists DON'T BUY THE RICE!
[And anything else on offer. Ed.]
Someone had to get Ameriqua out of Afghanistan. Creaky Joe turned out to be the man for the job. He's just there for the one term; if that; and not bothered what lame ducks around the world think of him. And he is a man loaded with self-esteem who insists that he can do no wrong, especially when he's doing the right thing.
“The only thing keeping Creaky Joe in office and safe from a trumped-up impeachment by treacherous Democraps is the knowledge that dumping him in favour of VP Harrisment will make things 137 times worse.” Rain Monsoon
Putin the Poisoner has banned a long-serving BBC journalist from ever going back to Putinstan as a threat to his security. Clearly she has been doing a first-class job of exposing all the corruption there.
England's footballers got a richly deserved barrage of booing when they did the knee of shame before last night's World Cup thrashing of Hungary. And quite right, too.
Just so you know
Politics is the Art of the Possible; in theory. Opposition; in fact; is the art of claiming that only you know all the answers to everything and it's not your fault if the wheels come off when the people are stoopid enough to make your gang the government.
How GREEN are you?
Find out the easy way
Glug a tinnie of Nicola . . .
Glug another . . .
Still standing? You're coalition material
Your country needs YOU!
sign up @ SNP HQ, Wee Burneystan
96% of today's young people can't cope with mental change and climate health in a time of pandemic. Not even if they try a little bit.
Greenhouse Grotter has thrown a wobbly in the direction of Wee Burneystan. She doesn't think Wee Bee & Co. are global leaders in the field of gorbal warmage fraud and so she doesn't think it's worth her while going to the Gorbal Warmage Jamboree in Glasgow.
[The appearance fee not high enough? Ed.]
Wee Bee had no comment to make but her expression (she was maskless on a junket) said: "And I hate you, too."
Despite all the kerfuffle in Afghanistan and all the tripe talked about it, the Chinese plague is still here and it's not going anywhere anytime soon.
Q: Does it matter that Morcambe & Wise (hugely successful comedians) didn't think much of a lot of the (hugely successful) output of the Monty Python gang?
A: Not even one bean, never mind a hill of them. Not even 0.0000001 of a single bean.
83% of the nation's department stores have vanished out of business over the last 5 years, leaving major shopping centres with vacancy levels of 50-80%. The practice by local councils of wringing every last cent out of motoring shoppers through parking fees and fines for minor transgressions of pointless rules is a major contributing factor.
Today’s Sound Advice:
No way to win, no way to lose?
Take a step sideways,
Head for the booze.
You just have to deal with it
The New Normal of not letting customers consult a GP face-to-face in a surgery has resulted in a sharp increase in deaths due to collateral damagethe effects of delayed treatment for serious conditions and infections picked up as a result of emergency hospital admissions.
The nett effect is to reduce the NHS customer base significantly and take pressure off it. Brilliant strategy? Not something the Department of Health would acknowledge or admit.
“Vanishment of customers is going to put a big cramp on the lifestyle of the online doctors making a hundred quid per hour out of remote viewing. No chance of a tax reduction for the customers if the NHS wages bill drops, though.” Alvin Comparator
There has been a surge of phantom pings in recent weeks. They appear to be coming from the NHS crApp as a warning of possible exposure to the Chinese plague but hackers are believed to be infiltrating the system to take a pop at enemies and people who deserve some grief.
F'rinstancethe Scittish government has said nothing about a phantom being the probable cause, but Wee Burney Sturgeon was pinged at the end of last month and had to self-isolate pending the outcome of a PCR test.
Lotz more of the same is expected!
President Creaky Joe's new vision for the Untied States is to stop wasting American lives and wealth on trying to civilize junk nations like Afghanistan and to concentrate on what's best for the people of Ameriqua.
Sounds like something very worthwhile.
[Much too worthwhile not to be sabotaged by Those People. Ed.]
The Xperts have determined that drivers with a pocket phone in their vehicle, even if it's switched off, make significantly more errors than phoneless drivers, and they are much more crash-prone.
More taxpayers’ cash wasted
The software controlling the signs on 'smart' motorways is even more crash-prone than phone-bearing drivers. It is liable to freeze for hours on end, locking the 'operators' out of the system.
Clearly, rebranding Highways England as National Highways has done nothing to address the endemic crapness of this sorry outfit.
Today's useful German word:
Eisenbahnknotenpunkthinundherschieberthe bloke who pulls & pushes the lever which operates a set of points [context: a railway shunting yard]
Just what they need
Bollocks to Barnier, the EFU henchman who screwed up the Brexit negotions, now wants a turn as the president of France. But it's unlikely that the Yellow Vest Pests will stand for that.
Why has the power company Eon combined with the clothing company Next? Could it be that Eon Next is hoping to sell warm clothing to people who can't afford over-priced green energy when the gorbal warmage fraudsters push us into another Ice Age?
Gulp! The revered ex-President JFK Kennedy was the Harvey Wheensteen of his day. "Shag me and you'll be made for life" was his pitch to impressionable young girls half his age.
“So the assassins bullets are being spun as the saviour of womankind now?” Barry Kobammer
The bloke who murdered JFK's bro, the presidential wannabe RFK Kennedy, thinks he should be allowed out of gaol at the age of 77 after wasting his entire life behind bars 'coz he has been to anger management classes and Alcoholics Unanimous sessions.
Three-quarters of RFK's ginormous tribe of kids don't want S. Sirhan back on the streets of Ghod's Country. The other two are not bovvered.
Do we feel better for knowing this?
A late-August Xtinctionist extended tantrum in London proved/confirmed two things. 1. They are a complete waste of space. 2. The police of the Metrolopis, like their leader, Dockson of Dick Green, are a complete waste of space.
Immunity from Scepticism? Nope!
Poi Zonos, our roving meeja tramp, reports: Major tragedy for Prince Hairy & Mhegan the Merciless! The official Meeja Complaints Bureau has ruled that it is okay for ITV's tough-minded pundits (when it has any) not to be impressed by the Sussex Whingers and to express total disbelief in the fictions which their spin-doctors attempt to foist on the rest of us as long as one of Those People is around to do some toadying in the name of balance.
As a result of the ruling, Mhegan the Merciless is now going to have to get used to being known as Princess Pinocchio of the Fiction Factory.
Dave the ex-Leader's commercial clout knows no bounds. Having made $10 million from the failed Greenswill adventure, he's in line for more zillions when a tech firm based in the tax-haven of Bermuda, in which he has a small investment, goes public.
[There is nowt like being an ex-prime monster for raking in the dosh. Even TheRazor May seems to be managing it. Ed.]
Blast From The Past: When were Romiley's entrepreneurs after planning permission for a drop-in centre for trans-sexual transvestites on Riverside Drive? Back in January 2007!!
Crunch, Friday, Lickingall action in Ottawa
The Alouettes got a field goal from their opening drive in the nation's capital but missed a 50 yarder after the next drive stalled. Nichols was picked to give them another go. Bang! TD from the Redblacks' 34, Adams to Lewis, 10-0 in the 14th minute.
The RBs returned the kick off to the MA 27, 2 & FG, 10-3 to close Q1. Another FG for the Als, 13-3. Some DPI by the RBs helped them to another TD, 20-3. Finally, a decent RB drive, Davis to Petermann for a TD, 20-10, 3 minutes to go. Some hurdling got Lewis 27 yards and he took a TD pass, 27-10. The RBs were sacked to a FG as the last play of the half, 27-13.
The Als missed a FG in Q3 but their next drive produced a TD for Wieneke, 34-13. In Q4, a pick-6 by Levels put the Als 41-13 ahead. The RBs had to punt, pinned the Als deep and sacked Adams in his end zone for a safety, 41-15. Then they marched to the MA 2 and Davis went in for a TD, no +2, 41-21.
The RB on-side kick off try didn't work and DPI in their end zone let the Als bring on veteran 90 Sewel to barge in for a TD. The PAT was blocked with flags flying on both sides of the line. Back 5 yards, try again, 48-21 with 3 minutes left.
Another TD for Petermann and +2 made the score a slightly more respectable 41-29 with 2 minutes left. The Als went 2 & punt but picked the first RB play, ate some clock, kicked a FG and made the final score 51-29. Phew! Some opener to Labour Day Weekend!
Q: Who is to blame for the shambles in Afghanistan? The Foreign Sec. or his gangs of minions?
A: The shirk @ home wonks of the Foreign Office are the People's Choice, according to a recent poll.
“If Funding Freedom is unauthorized with no input at all from Prince Hairy & Princess Pinocchio, no wonder it's a bollocksography. What else could it be?” Prak Tickle
Not many smiles expected
The city of Glasgow is bracing itself for a November surge of the Chinese plague as thousands of ThePlanet-wreckers flood there for a gorbal warmage jamboree.
The junketeers will not be required to do PCR testing to find out if they are plague carriers and the wreckers from travel red-list countries will not be required to spend 10 days doing quarantine in a grotty hotel.
[The only consolation for the city is that it might be spared the presence of Greenhouse Grotter, who is holding out for a better adoration deal. Ed.]
Get the ‘f’ out
The words 'shiftiness' and 'shitiness' can be used interchangeably when the context is politicians.
A Gordon F. Broon strategy
The government has come up with a cunning way to reduce overpopulation. An eye-watering tax on disposable nappies will discourage snoflakes from having children as they will be unable to cope with all the Xtra effort of dealing with the reuseable kind.
After fancy furniture that looks like you spent zillions on it?
Undetectable knock-offs are our specialité
We could fool Scary Carrie!
Dooshank & Grabitas of Romiley, 32 Riverside Lane
President Boris is expected to support the campaign to put the Talibandits in charge of the UN's Gorbal Warmage Delivery Strategy. Only they have the Xpertise to save The Planetas demonstrated by the way they saved Afghanistan from Truth, Decency & the American Way.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal”
“Is Marsman Musk planning to be visiting his colony on the Red Planet when one of his human-size servitor robots gets its wires crossed and Xterminates the owner? Or locks an entire family in the garage and leaves them to starve to death? Triggering a claim for billions of bucks in compen-bloody-sation for a handful of quite ordinary lives?” Mann Churia
Q: What do you get if you build a city in a spot where high-strength hurricanes have a habit of making their landfall?
A: New Orleans flooded and bashed to bitz over and over and over again and the flood waters filled with alligators.
No such troubles in Canada, where it's L*A*B*O*U*R* Day.
Q: If the symptoms of blood cancer are varied & often very vague, is it any surprise that 99.998213% of the population don't know what they are?
A: Nope. Nor is it a surprise that the government is having an awareness campaign which will alarm lotz of people to no good effect.
The Royal College of Nursing is not moving its annual conference online due to complaints of serial gropage just because its chairman is into bondage and polyamorism and making inappropriate remarks on the internet. Oh, no.
Uniform means . . . uniform
The Police of the Metrolopis are making their uniforms gender-neutral, which means that those coppers who don't know which sex they are will have to wear trousers, like men & women, and bloody well like it.
This is being offered as a great stride forward instead of another example of PC BS. No surprise there.
No wonder H.M. The Queen put the Lucian Freud 'portrait' of herself in a cupboard for the last 20 years. It's a likeness of a sort but rather crudely done and dragging it out for an exhibition to mark the centenary of the artist's birth does him no favours.
It's not anything up to Old Master standard, that's for sure
“A wonk working for theGuardian described it as probably the best portrait of any royal anywhere for 150 years when it was first unveiled. Obviously an attention-seeking toady rather than someone who knew what they were talking about.” Stone E. Broke
Blast From The Past
Back in December 2006, the corrupt bliar labour ministry for climate change was recommending that everyone in the country should be obliged to double their daily water consumption to 5 litres to prevent sea levels from rising.
The Xperts reckon that men who mumble are more attractive to women than people who speak clearly. Probably because if no one can make out what they're saying, no one realizes they are total idiots muttering garbage.
The Xtinction Rebellion vandals & eco fascists are accusing the charity junkie World Wildlife Fund of eco fascism. Well, they should know all about that.
"Hundreds of thousands of customers will receive cholesterol-lowering injections biannually from their GP as an alternative to taking daily statin pills", was the announcement.
But this will not go ahead until the NHS has worked out how to do the injecting remotely via an internet conference call as GPs are no longer meeting customers in person.
Yesterday's remarks by Trivial Democrap leader Sired Davey were described as a kick in the teeth to those remaining UK nationals in fear for their lives inside Afghanistan.
Clichés From Clots by A.J. Plenty
“A classic compendium of clottish remarks made by people who should have known better . . .” Romiley Literary Circle Recommendations
“As much tu quoque as allez bloop!” Gentleman's Fireside Review
now @ Romiley New Bookstore, 14 Riverside Drive
Correction: Due to a typographical error and the poor English comprehension of a junior staff member, the Prime Monster was described as being in gaol over his parenting activities.
In fact, he is in goal for his extended family's football team.
We trust this clears up any misunderstanding.
Today's Russian Phrase: zapassniy chelovekuseless lump
[see also: Prince Hairy Ed.]
Sunday Nite in Regina & points hard to come by
A punt by the Roughriders to start. RRs lining up offside gave the Blue Bombers a third & inches, on to a 56-yard FG try, missed. A pick stopped the RR, DPI in their end zone set up a TD for McGuire, 7-0.
The RR defence forced & recovered a fumble; nothing from it. The home team's first point came from a punt in Q2, 7-1. Their next drive produced a 54-yard FG, 7-4. Lots of defence, another rouge for the RR in the last 3 minutes from a missed FG, 7-5. The BB missed a FG try in the last minute and an outrageous roughing the kicker penalty needed a challenge to be wiped out. Fajardo wasted most of the remaining time, FG, 7-8 at half time.
More defence in Q3. DPI in the RR end zone let the BB go ahead with a TD, no +2, 13-8. An interception let them increase their lead to 16-8 with a FG after 5 minutes of Q4. A TD for Demski with 4 minutes left sealed a 23-8 win for the Blue Bombers.
More into nowhere won’t go
It comes as no surprise to hear that local councils are not offering homes to thousands of imports from Afghanistan. We're full up with poor people & illegal-entrant migrants, and there just isn't the space for a huge influx of more of the same. Some innovative thinking on the subject is long overdue. Not to mention some effective action.
Change the law to prevent legal spivs from making money out of lodging vexatious appeals against the deportations. Then deport the 11,000 foreign criminals who have spent over 12 months enjoying the taxpayer's hospitality in a British gaol to make room for 10,000 useful Afghans.
90% of the plague patients on a ventilator in hospital have not been vaccinated. Could it be that the plague is doing its best to kill off anti-vaxx spreaders?
There are blatant gorbal warmage frauds and there is
petrol + 10% ethanol, which is in a league of its own
The government is pretending that petrol mixed with 10% of ethanol from suspect sources is a wonder fuel which will save The Planet. That is a black lie. All gasohol does is extend existing petroleum stocks, which will last for another 200 years, even if exploration for new oil deposits is halted forthwith. Nothing more. As for reducing carbon dioxide levels in the atmosphere, that is a lie of corrupt blair labour dodgy dossier proportions.
Bad news for anyone with an old vehicle or lawnmower. It won't be able to cope with gasohol, which will wreck the feed system. That's anything pre 2011, which is something not in the government's propaganda. Along with the cost of scrapping every old car in sight.
There are 113 more excellent reasons why gasohol is a bad idea. But hey, when has the government ever been on our side?
If Princess Pinocchio dumped Prince Hairy, went for the money and married Tony B. Liar, imagine what the kids would look like!
“The probing nose would be entering the Freeloaders' Bar & Grill a good ten minutes before the rest of the offspring. Giving everyone in there a fair chance to duck. Very public-spirited.” Trigger Treat
Britain's nuclear submarines could be relocated from Wee Burneystan to the US facility @ Guantanamo Bay should the Scots ever vote for independence. Moving them to Devonport makes much more sense, but what does good sense have to do with political decisions?
It is clear that the bozos of the WHO don't understand alphabets if they think alpha, beta, gamma and delta varieties of the Chinese plague should be followed by a mu variant.
Big blow for the propaganda departments of the teaching unions. Teachers are 23% less likely than anyone else to end up in hospital with the Chinese plague, which removes an excuse for keeping them out of schools.
“We have heard a loada BS about vaccinating kiddies or not. But the fact of the matter is that it can't be done 'coz of the shortage of delivery drivers and a consequent inability to distribute supplies of the vaccine.” Dick Tater
High old time in the frozen north
Criminals are expected to enjoy a fiesta of crime in other parts of Scotland when the gorbal warmage fraudsters invade Glasgow in November for their international fiesta and most of Police Scotland is rushed to Wee Burneystan's First City to keep the fraudsters under surveillance.
Terrorists & drug dealers everywhere in the UK will have a particularly good time as a shortage of sniffer dogs means that every one of them in Britain will be in Glasgow from now until the end of November.
Q: COP26what's that all about?
A: It's a combined acronym and number code. Translating the numbers into letters, it becomes COPBF, which stands for Convenience Of Public Be Fukt.
Labour Day Double Bill Part 1
The Argos were in Hamilton, where the Tigercats opened their account with a FG then stopped the Argos with a pick. Nothing from it. The Argos drove into Q2 and kicked a FG for 3-all.
The Cats went ahead with a TD after 5 minutes, 3-10. Both QBs ate turf. The Argos got a rouge from a punt and the defences took over for the rest of the half. A story which continued in Q3. But, Bang! A TA punt returned for a TD by Williams, no flags, 4-17 after 8 minutes. Then Evans passed 57 yards to White for a TD, +2, 4-25 after 13 minutes.
Sacks & punts into Q4. A rouge from a punt put the Cats 4-26 ahead. Rogers dropped a 2nd down catch at the TC 1 but took a catch in the end zone on 3rd down, 11-26, 7 minutes left. A TC punt left the Argos pinned deep. A pass by Arbuckle from his goal line was tipped to the Cats, TD from it, the PAT missed, 12-32. And that was how the Tigercats' 7th Labour Day win over the Argonauts in a row finished.
The crisis caused by a lack of GPs; mainly due to early retirements; is expected to be solved fairly quickly by making filling in online forms instead of face-to-face consultations the new normal.
Unhealthy customers are expected to die off in numbers sufficient to make the health service crisis dissolve with politically acceptable rapidity.
“When you think about it, the nation is back to the state it was in before the wartime government came up with the idea of a National 'Elf Service.
“Back then, hardly anyone went to see a doctor because they couldn't afford it. Now, hardly anyone is going to see a doctor because they're not seeing customers any more.” Nokan Dhu
Loss of habitat due to the Talibandits is now seen as a main cause of wildlife endangerment. This conclusion is supported by a rise in the tuna population as the Talibandit is not sea-going species.
Labour Day Double Part 2: Drowned in History
The Stampeders got a FG from their opening drive against the Antlers in Calgary. The visitors replied with a 45 yard TD pass, Harris to Edwards, 7-3. Lots of defence & argy bargy, Whyte of the EA missed a 48-yard FG try!!
In Q2, a bomb got the Ants to the CS 6, TD, 14-3. An outrageous roughing the passer call stopped the Stamps from going out on downs, a TD from the next play, 14-10. Whyte had another FG try and hit the upright. Defence for the remaining 2 minutes.
DPI helped the Stamps to a TD in Q3 and 14-17. A bomb to Walker and a FG for the Ants, 17-all. The Stamps went back ahead with a FG in Q4, 17-20. Wilder in for a TD from the CS 10, 24-20 with 8 minutes to go. The Stamps missed a 48-yard FG try. Harris to Jones, 53 yards for a TD, 31-20 with 2:39 left. Plus a single from the kick off, 32-20. Maier was sacked, 3rd & 18 @ the EA 31, a pass to the end zone was batted away. The end.
“At least the Stamps can claim they weren't beat by the Edmonton Eskimos. It was some new outfit called the Antlers wot done 'em in!” E. Klips
Oreilles de Tissu
“I was baffled by an item on the news about thousands of chainsaws vanishing from British high streets. Is this Islamist terrorists planning attacks with something more alarming than a kitchen knife or a machete? I asked myself.
“All was explained when I paid attention to a news summary and discovered that it is chain stores which are vanishing in alarming numbers, not chainsaws. Phew! Panic over.” Robby Nood
“Why the hell should the government have to consult the people who used to live in Grenfell Tower over demolishing the shell as a matter of public safety? It's not as if they own the place. It's not as if they live there any more. Get a life. Move on.” Kevel Lasrouge
“Should we still be paying doctors big bucks if the customers need a medical degree to be able to do a self-diagnosis and tell some voice on a phone what's wrong with them?” Bombda Fukoota
Afghan migrants who can drive a lorry or van are being fast-tracked into the UK to replaced the vanished Europeon delivery drivers.
Greenhouse Grotter has made herself even more popular in Wee Burneystan by revealing that she is not impressed by the coalition between the SNP and the Greens. But HTFK in the real world? It's not as if her opinion is worth any more than that of the average crackpot or Xtinctionist.
How much coke can a tennis player snort during an 8-minute toilet break? Answers on a PC to the usual address.
The Monstrous Regiment heard from
We are being assured that England will never win another World Cup until the entire coaching staff and the management is made 100% female. We are invited to accept that the evidence of the last 50 years is that men are just not up to the job.
[That's 100% real women, not blokes pretending to be female. Ed.]
“Message to current England manager G. Southgatewe want your players to stand together. It's their habit of kneeling down in support of criminals that is getting them booed mercilessly.” S. Treuth
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Supply your email address and the whole process can be conducted electronically!
An alert reader has pointed out that the gasohol scam is out of the same box as the one concocted by a government think tank during the corrupt blair labour era.
As revealed in BFN for March 2007, customers filling up with petrol @ a supermarket were finding themselves having to stump up a small fortune to replace an oxygen sensor, which had been wrecked by an additive in the fuel.
Gasohol wrecking the fuel feed system of older vehicles to force customers to waste thousands on buying an electric car is just as sinister.
Q: How much ammo have the Talibandits wasted on heiling their sieg?
A: There seems to be an infinite amount for scumbags to blast skyward, thus there is no point in attempting to make a guess.
Dognappers could be gaoled for 7 years but none of them will be.
“No, the judge will probably tell them to read works of literature by Jane Austen and Nick Carter and let them off with a warning.” Ellie Mentary
Britain's counter-o'besity campaigners are cheered immeasurably by the delivery driver shortage, which is preventing supermarkets from restocking with fattening fizzy drinks.
Prince Hairy has received a Dumkopf Award for not knowing the difference between real world news media and the dreck offered by auntiesocial meeja on the interweb.
His confusion has been blamed on an excess of Californian sun, which has fried what little brain he has.
“If hate speech, sheer misinformation & online negativity are all rejected, is there anything left of the Gospel according to Prince Hairy and Princess Pinocchio?” Martin Crosstalk
Grade inflation has reached the point where everyone, almost, is getting an A-grade in school exams. As a result, A** and even A*** grades are about to be introduced to create a degree of separation.
There is much speculation over what those letters o'bliterated by those asterisks could be!
Refurb of the Big Ben clock & Elizabeth Tower budget£29 million.
Actual cost£80 million & rising.
Accountability for the discrepancythere is none.
No one is surprised. Nor is anyone surprised by attempts by a newspaper to stir up outrage in non-English MPs over the repainting the emblem on half a dozen shields bearing the Cross of St. George in their original red. They were painted black in the 1930s as a pragmatic admission that pollution was getting the better of everywhere.
A recent poll put the popularity of GPs only slightly ahead of that of tax inspectors. Bottom line? Don't get ill 'coz if you do, you'll croak if it's serious enuff. Especially if your local GP surgery has no resident doctors.
Sirk Reepy is in Big Trouble. Neil Pillock thinks he's doing a fairly adequate job of being Labour leader, which is not exactly a glowing recommendation.
Worse, O.J. Corbynstein, expelled from the party for Xtremism, will be allowed to creep about on the fringes of the next Labour party conference to undermine Sirk Reepy even more.
As part of their vexatiously annoying agenda, anti-alcohol fanatics are lobbying for the government to insist that a warning be placed on the label of any product which is likely to be sold in premises which stock booze.
The Chinese regime has banned "girlie guys" from appearing on TV as part of its "no poofters" policy.
There is a name for people who can't stand to be near annoying fuss-budgets & fidgetsthey are misokinetics. Don't you feel better for knowing that?
England's footballers are still taking the Knee of Shame before international matches. As a result, Polish fans booed them, and their own country's kneelers, loudly enough to be heard in the next town before the 1-all draw in Warsaw yesterday.
Blast From The Past: February 2007
"A person who claims they are doing something effective by going carbon neutral is like someone putting a single grain of sand on a beach and claiming they've stopped coastal erosion in its tracks."
One of the main PCR testing companies is under investigation for incompetence, fraud & crap customer support. Nothing much is expected to come out of the investigation.
the way YOU want it
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Having given the matter due consideration, we don't give a rattenkranz that the rather appalling writer H. Mantell is orf to Ireland so that she can become a Europeon again.
“If she's so degenerately anti-Britisch and anti-Royal, why does she klingon to her medal as a Dame Commander of the Britisch Empire instead of sending it back? Just another effin' notice me hypocrite.” Bash Talverise
+ + + Home Sec. P. Patel goes bonquers + + + Ready to offer appalling Dockson of Dick Green 2 more years at boss of Police of Metrolopis + + + Entire nation totally outraged + + + Will Boris the Chump sack her? + + + Unlikely + + +
A mere 10% of shirk @ homers have been threatened with a pay cut if they don't return to the workplace.
A. Sharma, president of the gorbal warmage fraudsters' jamboree due to be held in Glasgow in November, has been revealed to be in the pocket of the Chinese regime. He claims the Red Peril is doing lots to counter climate change despite being responsible for most of it, according to the gorbal warmage fraudsters' own scenario.
The Talibandits have upset the BLAME Bunchers by overpainting pictures of their hero, G. Floyd, in Kabul with propaganda messages in scribble.
Who's in charge of what passes for a government in Afghanistan? Bad guys let out of Guantanamo Bay by President O'Bummer. Something else for a grateful world to chalk up on his legacy list.
Q: How does Putin the Poisoner's party in Putinstan seek to swindle opponents out of a fair chance to win an election?
A: By getting a pair of stooges to change their names legally to that of the targetted opponent, change their appearance to an approximation to that of the target and stand as 'independents' in the election in the hope of stealing the votes of customers who are not paying full attention to where they make their mark.
Q: Should Prince Chuck's main man, Fawcett the Fence, be scrapegoated for indulging in cash for honours to fund the prince's charity?
A: Sounds deeply unfair if he was just following the new normal established by corrupt blair labour at the beginning of this century.
“It's not as if the Mandelsleaze, Blunk & all the rest haven't been allowed to get away with worse.” Chael Sieve
Lost or Stolen
The Marbles of the lovely but loopy Home Sec. who gave the useless Dockson of Dick Green another 2 years of failing to do the job she is overpaid to do.
We’re in “really sad but true” territory
The only reason why the Home Sec. offered the thoroughly shamed Dockson of Dick Green a 2-year extension to her contract as boss of the Met is that everyone working for Dockson is a totally woke wonk leftover from the corrupt blair labour era, who will make an even HUGER mess of the job than Dockson has managed.
Thus what we have on the taxpayer's hands is a case of going for the least worst of the worst, even if there is not much in it.
POTUS Creaky Joe is in trouble with the record keepers for claiming that getting 120,000 Americans plus satellites out of Afghanistan quickly was something unique & amazing.
Shame that it is overshadowed by getting 330,000 British troops plus satellites across the Channel from Dunkirk in 10 days during 1940. Better luck next time, Joe.
Always Unread, the memoirs of looney left Unite boss & hypocrite L. McCluskey, is Xpected to set new records for discounts offered to shift a few extra copies and the speed of its trip to the bargain bin.
The Chinese regime is planning to drive pigs into extinction in its part of the world by creating slabs of pork muscle cells in bioreactors, which are expected to come on stream in 2025.
Social Care Minister H. Whately is facing the sack for pretending that it is essential for the Education Sec. to be a football fan. Surprising as it may seem, following football is not considered to be an essential part of everyone who works @ the Min. of Education, and G. Williamson not knowing what the players look like, even the of colour ones in pursuit of sainthood, is neither a sign of rachelism nor one of incompetence.
Another ship ran aground and blocked the Suez canal for a while this week, but it was shifted quickly and didn't cause the chaos inflicted on the world's shipping by the Ever In The Bloody Way back in March.
The Winston Churchill Memorial Trust has fallen into the hands of lunatics, who are attempting to remove all traces of the wartime prime minister from the outfit.
“I can just see people rushing to thrust cash at a charity called 'The Memorial Trust for Someone We Are Much Too Ashamed To Mention'.” Cisco Alpaq
Significantly, there was no mention of what is bound to be an outrageous price @ the unveiling of a new BMW electric car made of 100% recycled and recyclable-in-their-turn materials.
Which makes it just a vanity project, more likely than not.
The Speaker of the Commons has felt obliged to warn all the lazy buggers who infest in the Chamber that they WILL continue to be suspended if they call another inmate a liar instead of making an effort to justify the charge with a properly reasoned argument.
Exercise For The Unathletic!
Ride an Electric Scooter on a treadmill
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Excellent alibi for inaction
Want a good excuse for continuing to ignore that annoying and non-essential DIY job @ home? Have a good moan about the rip-off price of tools & building materials of all descriptions thanks to locko and the current dearth of delivery drivers. Inaction until prices return to affordable levels is the only sensible course right now.
The EFU has retired to its bunker and stopped attempting to ban the free movement of sausages and other chilled meat products from the UK mainland to Northern Ireland. Same with applying unnecessary red tape to the movement of other goods to another part of the UK. For the nonce.
Friday Nite Single
The Tigercats & Argonauts did some punting in T'ronno then the Argos reached the red zone. A challenge got unspotted end zone DPI penalized, Arbuckle in for a TD, 0-7 after 13 minutes. The first play of Q2 was picked by the Argos and Foster barged 40 yards for a TD, 0-14.
A big pass play got the Cats to FG range then a 39-yarder put them in the end zone. 7-14. An end zone pick stopped the next Argo drive and defences remained in charge until Q3. A FG put the Argos 7-17 ahead after 7 minutes. More defence, more sacks into Q4. Evans, running for his life, kept the Cats going to a FG, 10-17 with 10 minutes to go.
Lots of defence to the 3 minute warning. A too casually thrown away ball was picked by the Cats @ the Argo 50. Almost a TD on the next play. The Cats made a 3rd & 10! And kept going to a TD. Bonk! The conversion attempt hit the top of the right post!! 16-17 with 1:24 to go. The Argos punted but the Cats didn't have enuff time left to do anything. Phew!
Casting couches are being warmed up in preparation for sorting out who will be in the Hollywood blockbuster charting the escape of 6 unimaginably dangerous Palestinians from Israel's escape-proof prison in the north of the country.
Armed only with a rusty spoon, the legend goes, the sextet dug a tunnel to a sewer, which provided an escape route.
400 other prisoners are being moved out of the escape-proof gaol to prevent them from providing further embarrassing proof that it isn't.
Just cough up the bloody money
Internet influencer spivs; especially those with a massive bottom; are in trouble for taking cash to get their customers to 'invest' in dodgy Bitcoin-clone schemes & scams.
Billions of dollars have poured into black holes associated with coins with zero tangible & visible assets in the real world and having a 'value' which fluctuates arbitrarily according to the needs of the black hole operator.
Someone suffering from sudden deafness was told that their first audiology appointment would be carried out over the phone.
"This happened even though the consultant knew that I was too deaf to hear a phone ringing," the customer complained.
All the stories about lorry drivers taking home £54,000 per annum are being laughed out of existence by people who do it for a living. This is their top whack +50%, they reckon.
What, exactly, is the point of fining Police Scotland £100,000 for contributing to the death of a woman by ignoring for 3 days, reports of the crashed car in which she was dying beside the dead body of the bloke who was driving?
Sacking the people guilty of neglect of duty and those responsible for the system that let it happen is the only thing that makes any sense, if only pour encourager les autres.
If some scumbag thief steals your computer, don't expect a copper to turn up on your doorstep if a scam dreamt up by a former boss of the Met takes off.
In the bright, new future, such crimes will have to be reported via a 'video chat', which means that you will have to go out and buy a new computer to report the loss of your old one.
“Or rent a computer if you think the police will get your old one back? Nah, never going to happen. Buy a new one and forget the old one. How we are looking forward to this bright, new future of policing.” Flo Latral
Saturday Nite Triple #1
The Roughriders, in Winnipeg, kicked a FG after 5 minutes. The Blue Bombers went for 3rd & goal @ the 1, TD, the PAT missed, 3-6. A FG for the RR in Q2 made it 6-all. In their next drive, Fajardo made up for a sack by running for a 1st down but he was picked off by Bighill.
The BB tried a FG but missed. A 53-yard pass play set up a FG for the Riders, 9-6. The BB reached the RR 1, TD, mighty punch-up during the celebration, Riders ejected, the BB got away with it. The PAT missed, 9-12. The Riders had another FG try; which missed.
DPI in Q3 helped the Bombers to a TD, 9-19. The Riders blew another FG try. The BB went further ahead with a TD in Q4, 9-26. Their defence held up, game over when the Bombers scored a TD with 3 minutes left, 9-33 final.
The official police explanation for not doing home visits is to avoid alerting the burglar next door, who could get the message that it is time to flee with their loot.
“Or just get ready to brazen it out and get away with it in court?” Ofa Cough
Those People are trying to scare the nation with stories of a prolonged fire-alarm locko in October. Still nothing useful to do with themselves?
Today's Wisdom: Politics & Parlour Trickswho can tell the difference?
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National Highways England is to add a few extra safety features to lethal unsmart motorways. But restoring hard shoulders for emergencies is not on the agenda and nothing will happen anytime soon.
“So it's a typical quangocrat fix? Fine words & lots of them but bugger all useful action?” Kristie Alslop
Q: Are we bovvered that unseasonable cold snaps have reduced French wine production to a 44-year low and sent prices climbing?
A: Nope; for 2 reasons. 1. We're not buying anything French. 2. Perfectly drinkable wines at reasonable prices are available from lots of other countries.
“People who claim to be 'victims' of buy now, pay later spivs are out of the same box as someone who chops all their toes off then complains they can't walk without falling over.” Elk Dogbone
“It's all very well getting happy-clappy about the NHS but the fact remains that it is nothing special when compared with other countries; ignoring the US, which is just plain weird. Our NHS wastes enormous amounts of cash on lunatic computer scams and overpays managers & consultants. And you can be lucky to escape alive from the clutches of some parts of it.” Ban D'Age
“What you have to remember about the NHS is that while the people at the sharp end; most of them; might be doing a grand job, it is run by the same sort of people who wish tanks that don't work and duff ships & equipment on the armed services, and arrange for people to be killed on 'smart' motorways. If your expectations are now at rock bottom, that's where they belong without a thorough shake-up of how the NHS is run.” Anne Drex
[To be clear; not a pop @ the PBI but deferably one @ the high command and the civil service mandarins who let them get away with it. Ed.]
If there is a way to turn a bad situation into a disaster, the NHS burrocraps will find it
Why is a quarter of the UK's population on one NHS waiting list or another? Little John, the people's guru in the Daily Mail has found out the hard way.
Whilst the NHS was doing Chinese plague cases only, the burrocraps in charge booked private sector treatment packages costing hundreds of millions of taxpayers' pounds. But they didn't send any customers to use them!!
This is because Marxist morons and commie clots in the ranks of the NHS administrators would rather kill the customers than let them go private, even if the private treatment is already bought and paid for out of the public purse.
Romiley Branch: 22 Riverside Drive All other types of offsetting catered for.
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The Welsh government is taking 200 refugees from Afghanistan, which leaves only 19,800 who will still need a billet.
“Why are the pissants moaning about a lousy 1.25% rise in National Insurance? Gordon F. Broon put Class 2 contributions up by 9.5% and Class 3 by 4.6% in April 2007. The whingeing bastards don't know they're born.” Zhen Krovensher
[Get out of that! Ed.]
“We are assured by her apologists, including i. blair (no relation), the bloke who was sacked from her job and binned, that Dockson of Dick Green is not a bad person. But the Brazilian Killer has presided over so much illegality & covering up of shameful stuff that she has to be either 100% devoid of morals or 100% evil.” Elbow Hartly-Worthit
“If she had a scrap of decency, she would have resigned years ago. That she is still in place tells us all we need to know about her.” Captain Dooshank
The NHS is recruiting whole gangs of managers on £270K instead of doing anything to make sure that the £36 BILLION added on to its budget is spent wisely and effectively.
“42 of the sods, in fact. That's 42 Fat Controllers each with his/her own burrocrapic empire. The answer to Life, the Universe & Everything still rulz?” Al Banian
“We're hearing a lot of whinges about food, accommodation & heating & other basics not being included in President Boris' care cap. But these are inevitable expenses of being alive whether or not you need care. And what pensions & savings are meant to cover. But a ban on care providers charging private customers more than they get from local councils for the same service is long overdue.” Peat Alien
The regime in Putinstan has ordered Gooble & Apple to cancel crApps which let tactical voters pick a candidate for the upcoming Duma elections who has a good chance of defeating the stooge from the Putin the Poisoner party, Tiedup Russia.
Is it a gaffe to tell the Putinstanis to go away and shut up after they commit murder in England? Is there anything wrong with thinking French politicians have nothing to say worth listening to?
If that's the best Those People can do in their assaults on Education Sec. G. Williamson, they might as well go away and shut up 'coz we're not listening.
Public Service Announcement
He's been called the Blogger of the Decade
His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!
** PLAGUE PANIC NOW **
You might as well get it started now 'coz things will go pear-shaped when the weather gets a bit chilly and noses start running.
The Online Petition of the Moment is the one demanding that her DBE be stripped from Dockson of Dick Green and handed over to last week's sports sensation, E. Raducanoe. In second place is one demanding that the Grand Prix driver Mad Max should be forced to change his surname to Verkingstappen.
Do YOU live in a community where people are forever shushing anyone who makes a little, tiny bit of noise?
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Q: Why will COP26 be a total waste of time junket for 10,000 plague carriers & Those People?
A: Because China is going to keep on maximizing gorbal warmage emissions until 2030, or later if convenient. It has no plans to set its carbon neutrality target before the year 2060, or later if convenient.
The good news is that omitting meaningless gorbal warmage stuff from a trade deal with Australia will make not one scrap of difference to anything.
“Don't you just wish the warmage pontificators would read a newspaper occasionally? Like the ones @ UCL here, who are telling us the vast majority of (the remaining reserves of) oil & gas shouldn't be extracted from The Planet. They obviously haven't found out that China ain't gonna stop. So what's their Plan B? Oh, there ain't one?” Nasser Crasser
The vested interests are out in force, busy lining up to claim that women handled lock-in better than men.
“And telling every woman who didn't that she's a failure?” Clem Venko
The burghers of Glasgow are worried about the impression which their graffiti-strewn streets will make on the 10,000 plague carriers and gorbal warming fraudsters, who will descend on Wee Burneystan's First City in November for COPout26.
But will the hospitality hounds actually ever be in a condition to see the shoddy streets should they venture out of the bars and other hospitality venues?
You can always find one: An Xpert reckons that the graffiti are a valuable commodity as they are done by people who tend to be engaged with society.
“Glasgow's gang-bangers? Seriously?” Wosser Than
The SNP is hoping to foment a winter of discontent for its own grubby & sinister purposes, the deputy leader, J. Swiney, has admitted.
No Sugar, Shirley
The War on Terror will go on forever, the Xperts are telling us as an expertcise (sic erat scriptum) in the bleedin' obvious. It will never end because no one with the power to do so will have the will to root out and Xterminate ruthlessly, all of the world's BGs along with their cheerleaders and bankers and other fifth columnists.
The much disgraced accounting firm KPMG has decreed that one-third of its future bosses will have to come from the working class in the hope that members of the lower orders will do better than the toffs who have cost the firm BILLIONs in fines for botched jobs, maladministration and blind eyes turned to blatant crookedness.
This comes from the firm that gave its previous boss the push for dismissing the utter crap of unconscious bias as utter crap and telling snoflake staff to stop moaning about pandemic working conditions.
[Other accounting firms are available; but much the same. Ed.]
Former Tory leader and prime-ministerial wannable Wm. "14 pints" Hague wants to turn Britain into a rival to Portugal as the drug capital of Yourope.
Not just a pointless joke, a bluddy expensive one
The 'Uman bluddy rights commission is busy vetting job advertisements to cancel those likely to Xclude time-wasting applications from people who won't be able to do the job on offer.
The British Gas slogan "Keeping Bathtime Flowing" has been banned on the grounds that it shames people who are unable to take a bath.
Oh, Crap, Mitchell is back
Lots of defence in the return match between the Antlers & the Stampeders, which was 3-all after the first quarter. The Ants started Q2 with a FG, two back at them from the Stamps for 9-6 at the end of a flag-filled half.
In Q3, the Ants were stopped by a pick and a 2-yard TD put the Stamps 16-6 ahead. The Stamps kicked a FG after 10 minutes, one back at them to end the quarter at 19-9. One minute into Q4, a pick-6 by Washington gave the home team some hope, 19-16. Calgary field goals after 7 minutes and at the start of the last minute took it away, 25-16.
Then the wheels came off. Harris was mugged and lost the ball. Mitchell just flung the ball downfield as the clock ran out and Jordan caught it for a TD. 32-16 final, no season sweep for either side.
“How come the Edmontonians still have EE on their shirts? Edmonton Entlers?” Furst Brainwell
They all go there eventually
Bollocks to Barnier is seeking to prove that he is as hypocritical as any other French presidential wannabe by deciding that France would abandon the Europeon Court of 'Uman bluddy Rights and no longer be subject to its lunatic rulings with him in charge. That's even though he considered it absolutely essential for post-Brexit Britain to remain under the thumb of the ECHR.
The NHS is testing a wonderful new blood test, which is capable of detecting multiple types of hard to spot cancersat a time when there is a national shortage of the glass phials needed for blood tests.
History Deniers Confronted
Mental 'elf monitors in the Untied States have concluded that having too much free time with nothing useful to do with it can be as dangerous as having too much to do and insufficient time.
This research is being offered as a explanation for the activities of the history deniers, who are seeking to tarnish every significant figure in Britain's history. The deniers are, in the main, talentless & unemployable in a responsible job, which is why they descended into mischief-making @ charities and universities.
The software giant MicroSoft has found that using a computer to skive @ home can never be as productive as going to work and using a computer there. And it makes people isolated, unable to communicate and less creative.
The actor D. Craig has been outed as a moaning whinger in real life but he manages to come across as a rough, tuff James Bond on the big screen. This paradox is being offered as the case for celebrating him as one of the best actors of all time.
Be Very Afraid
How the Warmists love their tipping points. Their latest threat is that the gradual process of ice melting and water running off the Greenland ice cap could cause the compressed land beneath to rebound suddenly and violently, sending tsunamis @ the UK.
The bad news for the insurance trade is that we are already past the imaginary tipping point and doomed. Which means that offering tsunami insurance would be fraud and put the perps in gaol; with luck, just before the first tsunami arrives.
The number of really hot days in the year has more than doubled over the last 40 years from two to five. We are expected to be alarmed by this.
Rule One of Politics
When politicians come up with a Big Idea for saving The Planet, they need to come up with two more for cleaning up the mess created by their first Big Idea.
They also need to come up with a half-way credible explanation for why the Big Idea flopped and why it wasn't their fault.
Q: Was King Canute the last honest politician, who proved that leaders are not much cop at controlling the world around them? And should we give up now?
A: It will probably save a lot of time, trouble & money if we do just that.
Grrrr! Very fiercely
A strident China is rattling its nukes, upset by a defence pact between Australia, the UK and the US. The French are also upset by the Anglosphere interfering with their empire-building ambitions in the region of the Southern Seas.
Something else which made the regime in Peking rattle its nukes even harder was the Xclusion of the Chinese ambassodor from a do @ the Palace of Westmonster after several Britisch MPs were provided with a travel ban for daring to expose what the Chinese regime is doing to its Moslem minority. That's a ban from travelling to a country which the MPs had no intention of visiting, by the way.
“Emma has lifted spirit of nation? Then how come the usual suspects are still whingeing @ every opportunity and demanding more than their fair share? One Raduecanoe just ain't enuff.” Neat Beverage
Misleading Headline of the Week:
Even Xperts say there’s confusion over kids’ jabs
Wrong! It's the so-called bloody Xperts who are creating ALL of the confusion with their contradictions and argy-bargy.
Too Little sleep is dangerous but Too Much
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Misheard by moonlight
"Protein distancing will be one of the measures used to contain the Chinese plague over the triple-threat winter," was what one of our correspondents thought he heard. Is this treating the customers like pieces of meat?
“Looks like a blatant attempt to outrage veggies and veganists!” Doctor Invasion
Q: Will President Boris be able to do another 10 years in Downing Street and outlast Mrs. Thatcher, the last proper prime monster?
A: Nope. With Scary Carrie and a tribe of young kids picking his pockets, he'll have to get back to the real world and back to earning some serious dosh before very long.
One up the kilt for cuteness is due to the marketing department of Cunard, which has cancelled cruises in favour of sailcations.
Those People are everybloodywhere
Newcastle University is in trouble for employing a hissy berk, who showed a yellow card (inappropriate dress) to a female medical student, who was wearing a below the knee skirt during a role-playing episode in a practical exam.
“Lucky it wasn't a bloke in the frock or the hissy berk would be picking up teeth or taking a ride to A&E with a broken nose.” Heller Nah
Q: The acronym ASDA is obviously the American Society of something or other, but what does the DA stand for?
A: Dental Architects. It's a trade organization for cosmetic dentists.
A: American League of Digital Influencers (posturing online parasites)
A: Lincoln's Inn Darts League (a bunch of lawyers)
Whatever happened to neoclassical endogenous growth theory and why is Sir Kreepy Steamer keeping so suspiciously quiet about his involvement in it? The nation has a right to kno.
Things To Come?
The Organization of Islamic Nations is attempting to rehab its Xplosively tarnished religion and the Talibandits by lobbying for the 2036 Olympic Games to be held in Kabul.
Russia and China are getting behind the idea as they see an opportunity to hoover up the big haul of medals, which would otherwise go to the US and UK if the Games were held somewhere civilized.
Both the US and the UK, along with most other European nations, could be expected to be no-shows on 'elf 'n' safety & danger-of-death grounds.
“Captain Underpants, a.k.a. the exhibitionist Welsh MP C. Bryant, reckons he nominated Creaky Joe for a Nobel Peace Prize after Joe won the last US presidential election and displaced D.J. Trump. But how much notice is the Nobel Committee likely to take of a bloke who postures on the interweb in his underpants?” Modified Johnson
Hello, Those People are at it againdemanding a Cabinet quota for homosexualists.
“Anyone who claims that they are offended by the classic BBC TV comedy series The Goodies should be clapped in the stocks and left to rot.” Amper Sand
“We join the next programme in progress”
The Lions had scored a TD against the Redblacks @ home after 4 minutes; but we did get a replay of the 5-play drive. After another Reilly TD bomb, the RBs got moving to a TD, 7-14. Reilly to Burnham, 7-21.
In Q2, an RB 49-yard FG try went wide left and was returned for a TD thanks to great blocking! 7-28. The RBs set up for a punt but the punter made a 1st down pass! Just a FG from it, 10-28. They were sacked to another long FG to end their next drive, 13-28. A strip/sack by the Lions gave them the ball. Reilly was sacked then picked off in the end zone. 1 minute left. 2 plays for the RBs from their 4, then a pick-6 for BC, 13-35.
Another TD for Burnham in Q3 put the Lions 13-42 ahead. The defences remained in charge into Q4. BC kicked a FG with 2½ minutes to go for 13-45. Punt, punt, then the RBs got a move on in the last minute. They got to the BC 15, BC jumped off-side with 00:00 on the clock. One more play, the Redblacks were stopped @ the BC 3, torture over.
Sirk Reepy is in a big, black hole. Having lined up his gang to vote against increasing National Insurance to pay for social care, it would be utterly embarrassing to accuse the Tories of nicking something that was Labour policy a couple of years ago.
Just two to go . . .
A report from the IOPC [Incredible Office of Pointless Crap] indicates that President Boris is doing a grand job of keeping former PMs off the guest list for the Tory party celebration of 100 years of free-loading @ Chequers.
Tony B. Liar, G.F. Broon and Dave the ex-Leader are all washing their hair or otherwise engaged. Which leaves just J. Major and TheRazor May to be shed before the occasion becomes a real swinging do for Boris and his mates.
Delusion vs Science
The Royal Horticultural Society is doing its level best to come up with 101 gardening scams, which will help people to pretend that they are changing the climate on The Planet.
The only minor cloud on the horizon is that the RHS needs everyone in China, India and the Untied States to try the scams 'coz even if every single person in the UK does everything on the list, it will make sod all difference to things on The Planet.
Thanks for mentioning this
Our contact @ the Covid County Sheriff's Department in the Untied States has informed us that following the release of FBI files which were declassified on the 20th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attack, the Saudi government has issued a statement regretting the exposure of links between its citizens & diplomats and the bin Laden terrorists.
Nul points, back to the drawing board
The Trivial-Liberals are attempting to sleaze Tory MP and government minister M. Gove with remarks made decades ago to wind up the other side during student debates.
Desperate or what!
“The question no one is asking is whether former Foreign Sec. D. Raab getting on the phone to Afghanistan would have made any difference @ a time when the members of what passed for a government there were packing up loot and getting out of Dodge rather than being interested in anything else.” Shami Kastren
Friday Nite #1, the Stampeders in Hamilton
The Stamps had to punt. So did the Ticats, but a muffed catch attempt put them at the CS 45, on to a FG and 0-3. Another CS punt became a shambles and Calgary ball, 2 & FG, 3-all.
Defences dominated into Q2. Another fumbled catch gave the ball to the Cats in the last minute and a FG made it 3-6 @ the half. A 48-yarder in Q3 increased the lead to 3-9. Bang! A pass play from the CS 35 to the TC 1, TD, 10-9. A pick-6 by Lawrence in the 9th minute and +2 put the Cats 10-17 ahead in the 9th minute.
The Cats kicked a FG in Q4, 10-20. The Stamps went out on downs. Another TC FG with 2½ minutes left, 10-23. A big 3rd down play put the Stamps @ the TC 36, on to a TD with 16 seconds left, 17-23. The short kick off became a scramble and the Cats batted the ball over the sideline to seal their win.
Pull the other one
Time Magazine has been awarded a Giant Raspberry for claiming that Prince Hairy & Princess Pinocchio are among the 100 most influential figures on The Planet rather than just monumental figures of fun.
News bruiser A. Neil has quit GB Views in a cloud of indignation because he was finding himself overshadowed.
** INSULATE BRITAIN **
[from anarchist weirdos & wreckers Ed.]
Diversity has its down-sides
Animal welfare campaigners are lobbying for information on the slaughtering method to be included on packaging for halal & kosher meat products.
But it remains to be seen whether knowing for sure that their dinner had its throat slashed open without being stunned will bother the consumers of these products.
“It will certainly make the products and their consumers easier targets for terrorist veggies & veganists.” Belia Kuture
Someone has to do it
Creaky Joe has finally found someone willing to be his ambassodor to the UK. After a succession of blokes turned the job down, he has picked on a woman who raised zillions of dollars for his election campaign.
J. Hartley has experience of doing the job in France and a sound dress sense, if the elegance of her frock in the newspaper pictures is anything to go by. She is married to a banker, a Mr. Schloßstein, who is worth a mere one-eighth of a billion bucks. She also has a sister, who is a celebrated hostess.
[For which airline was not specified. Ed.]
“If people aren't being paid and have no access to savings in banks in Afghanistan, how can they be selling their possessions to survive if no one has any money to buy them?” Coma Endure
Sir Clive Sinclair, inventor, 81
The man who reduced calculators to pocket size and created the ZX series of affordable home computers and the C5 electric vehicle has gone to his reward.
His ZX Spectrum user-friendly computer introduced kids to the concept of wasting vast amounts of time playing silly games. The C5 electric vehicle was too small for roads; not something which seems to deter idiots on electric scooters now; but it was ideal for people with large, flat pieces of territory to enjoy. He also created a pocket TV, which was too far ahead of its time to take off, and he gave tabloid editors frequent thrills with his private life.
Britain is a poorer place without him; which is not something which can be said all that often.
Q: You're from the West Indies and bigging it up as a rapster in the Untied States and you want to be noticed, what do you do?
A: Claim the Chinese plague makes bloke impotent knowing that those sad people on the interweb will believe any silly story you drop on them.
Q: Is there a follow-up?
A: Oh, yes. You can throw a HUGE wobbly when President Boris and Professor Whitty-Doom dismiss you as an iggorant twit and be a VICTIM!!!
“We are all aware that rap is crap. This confirms its brain-rotting powers.” Incendiary Streamer
Friday Nite #2, the Argos in Regina
The Roughrider opener reached the TA 1 and Fajardo, now recovered from his recent battering, went in for the TD. 0-7. After 2 plays, the Argos fumbled the ball to the Riders; who missed a 53 yard FG try. The next RR drive ended in a FG missed for a rouge, 0-8.
The Argos kicked a FG in the 3rd minute of Q2, 3-8. 2 and a pick by the RR but Arbuckle fumbled the ball back to the home team. Power Powell for 36 yards, on to a TD, 3-15 after 7 minutes. A monster pass play got the Argos to the RR 5, 3rd & goal @ the 1 with 3 minutes left; no cigar. Penalties helped the Riders to FG range, 3-18.
The Argos woke up in Q3 and Daniels took a TD pass. Arbuckle was sacked going for +2, 9-18. Lots of defence until the Riders scored a TD +2 after a minute of Q4. Another point from the kick off, 9-27.
The Argos marched to a TD in the 5th minute, 16-27. In their next drive, the Argos made a 3rd & 7 but were sacked to a stop on a 3rd & 10 with 2½ minutes left. The Riders kicked a FG in the last minute for 16-30 and sealed their win with an interception. The end. Apart from a bit of a scuffle after the final whistle.
Saturday Nite #1, the Lions in Montreal
BC made a 3rd & 1 @ the Als' 19 to the 2, on to a TD, 7-0. The Als zoomed to the red zone but Adams was picked in the end zone. Defence into Q2, when the Als survived a BC attempt to mug their punt return man and went on to a FG and 7-3.
Bang! Reilly 75 yards to Lucky Whitehead, TD, 14-3. Then the field goal kickers got a turn; one for BC, three for MTL, including a 49-yarder with 00:00 on the clock. 17-12 at half time. Close but no cigar for the Als in Q3, FG, 17-15. BC were 2 & gone and did nothing with a pick of a scrambling Adams.
Their next score came 8 minutes in to Q4; a TD pass to Hatcher, 24-15. A big dash by Adams got the Als to FG range, 24-18 with 4 minutes left. There were just 22 seconds left after BC kicked a FG for 27-18, time for the Als to go 3 & out. The End.
Water supply companies are planning to create more reservoirs; using a big sub from the taxpayer; and move water around in canals in a bid to reduce the flak from annoying customers, who complain about hosepipe bans caused by the water companies' reluctance to fix leaky pipes and ongoing failure to harvest rain when it comes pouring down.
Get some in!
The police have the hump with the Home Sec. over a zero per cent pay modification.
But maybe if they did the job they're not getting paid any more for neglecting, like removing loonies from motorways instead of standing idly by for four bloody hours, they might, maybe, possibly get some sympathy from the people who are paying their wages whilst they goof off.
But it's not something on which they should count.
“Chinese-Romanian & Canadian-born Ms Canoe is a great Britisch sporting heroine, who arrived here legally as a wanted addition. Something to remember when gary bloody lineker and other members of the Those People tendency start wittering on about unwanted sea-borne invaders.” Prinsan Dru
We're hearing a lot about stress these days, but not getting much in the way of solid sadistics. A BFN survey found the data offered in the adjacent pie chart.
Real actual stress (black) is at pretty much the normal level. As we suspected it might be, strawberry flavour cosmetic stress is at the high level shown because people don't want to feel left out
The peach flavour guilt stress is relatively mild and arises when people worry about being cancelled if they seem to be handling the stresses and strains of everyday life comfortably when those around them are self-indulgently dropping to bitz and expecting others to pick up their pieces.
If you have an Apple phone, it could become infected with the Israeli Pegasus zero-click spyware, which doesn't need the victim to click on something dodgy to be infestive. Apple is frantically trying to come up with an Xclusion fix.
The BMA, the doctor's union, is moving to a neutral position on assisted dying. Which means that the 'do no harm' aspiration still doesn't apply to those who have nothing to live for because their life is an ordeal.
An astonishing 24% of motorists are not bothered about lethal 'unsmart' motorways. Presumably, people who never use them.
Clint Eastwood is still making films @ 91 and riding around on horses. Can't they let the poor old bloke retire gracefully?
Saturday Nite #2, the Blue Bombers in Edmonton
TD from the BB opener? Nope due to OPI, but a TD pass 2 plays later stuck. 7-0. Harris is dinged, Cornelius got a go as QB for the Antlers. Another TD from the next BB drive, 14-0.
In Q2, the Ants fumbled the ball away but their defence mugged Collards and got the ball back, TD from it, 14-7. 3 minute warning. The BB missed a FG for a single, the Ants kicked one between the posts, 15-10 at the half.
A TD by the unstoppable Wilder, but no +2, put the Ants 15-16 ahead in Q3. The BB missed a 50-yard FG try but a pick-6 by Alford and +2 got them to 23-16. The Ants kicked a FG and the BB scored a TD in the last minute of the quarter for 30-19.
In Q4, the Ants kicked a FG after 8 minutes, 30-22. DPI in the end zone helped the Bombers to an unassailable 37-22 lead with 3 minutes left. The BB went 2 & out after a pick. Walker lost a wrestling match over a deep pass, BB ball and BT Sport lost the pictures as the Antlers sank into defeat.
Online news promulgators have formed a rare alliance to combat fake news on the BBC and the conspiracy theories and lies that flourish in its closed environment. The BBC constantly making a mockery of its impartiality requirements is another issue for them to tackle.
Various police forces are advising their local shopkeepers not to sell tinz of baked beanz to young yobs as it has become fashionable for them to anoint buildings, street furniture & parked cars with the contents of the cans.
Something else to file in the 'more money than sense' drawer.
Q: Is it possible to tarnish the thoroughly depraved & devalued Booker Prize even further?
A: Xcluding books by Britisch authors this year on spurious wonk grounds is an indication that there are still depths to be plumbed.
The Boris Tunnel connecting Scotland to Northern Ireland has been cancelled by the Treasury. A nation with finances ravaged by the Chinese Plague cannot afford it.
“That sounds totally bogus. It's only £15 BILLION going on £96 BILLION as the true eventual cost. Peanutz.” Villa Nuss
Q: Which should we be more surprised bythat 25% of female pensioners have only the state pension to live on or that the pundits were not aware of this earlier?
A: The Iggorance of Xperts is as constant as the North Star.
The Notional Truss has come up with another cute scam to put visitors off going to its properties & parks. Charging a parking fee per vehicle is out, charging per person in the vehicle is in.
As a charity, the NT feels that it has a perfect right to rip people off right, left, centre, up, down and in every other direction.
The good burghers of Cheadle & Cheadle Hulme have delivered a resounding "No bloody way" to attempts by Stockport council to blight their area with various traffic obstruction scams to force them out of cars and onto bikes or foot.
The Gods are having a giraffe
Having been told for several decades that carbon dioxide is the enemy and destroying The Planet, we are now gobsmacked to learn that several industries are currently being crippled by a major shortage of . . . carbon dioxide, which is used to gas animals before slaughter, for making dry ice for cooling things and lotz & lotz of other applications which are vital to the nation's survival.
The BBC has tried & failed to bury under President Boris' Cabinet reshuffle, the news that the Beeb has turned over editing its own news operation to a card-carrying member of the Those People tendency.
Trust between the government and the BBC has now gone from zero to negative.
Q: Why do coppers moaning about not getting a pay rise get no sympathy from their customers?
A: Because they slap fines on people sitting on a park bench with a cup of tea but offer canteen service to criminals with their bum parked on a motorway, which is actually against the law, but you wouldn't think so with all them coppers swanning around, doing bugger all about it.
ITV boss C. McCall [no relation to The Equalizer, real or fake, Ed.] has been awarded a Giant Raspberry for claiming that she supported the news bloke Piers "Pushed Out" Morgan when he was evicted from his TV job after Mhegan the Merciless threw a wobbly in her (McCall's) direction.
An 88% rise in baby deaths during labour is being ascribed to the medical trade's aversion to in-person consultations. Something to consider in the 'do no harm' context.
Wee Burneystan goes Bonquers
Despite the ravages of the plague and nothing working in Scotland with the SNP in charge, what passes for a government there has no problem with throwing cash at attempts to rewrite history north in the border to make it all about slavery, the imaginary contribution to Scittish society of members of non-native minorities, changing street names and cancelling monuments. Meanwhile, Wee Burney needs the Army to step in to bail out her failed ambulance service.
The doctors' trade union is demanding more taxpayers' cash for their members to go back to seeing patients in person and doing the job they are very well paid to do.
Not welcome on voyage
The US Congress is trying to poke its nose into President Boris' attempts to impose a pragmatic end to persecuting British troops who served in Northern Ireland. The Yanks are clearly unable to grasp the simple fact that there will never be justice in Ireland and only separated toleration rather than reconciliation.
Q: If Dockson of Dick Green has been given 2 extra years to fail to be an effective boss of the Met, what is the lesson to be learnt?
A: That the government doesn't know any way to do these things other than badly.
Is there a more wretched phrase than the Covid Rollout with its overtones of the government giving a dose of the Chinese plague to everyone, regardless of sex, race, creed and intellectual capacity?
Are the Doctors of Doom in the pay of the Russians and/or the Chinese? This is a valid conclusion based upon their repeated attempts to ignore the value of the vaccination programme against the Chinese plague and place the whole of the UK back in the deep, dark hole of another economy-stifling locko.
North & South Korea are firing off missles to remind everyone that they are still around and still armed and bloody dangerous.
The Warmist Lord Deben wants to switch off street lights and make the peasantry use torches; or grope around in the dark if they can't afford one. Which conjures up the image of the villagers heading for Deben's lair like a mob in a Hammer film, torches blazing, to sort him out.
“If the Bride of Daesh knows enuff about Islamic terrorism to be an effective advisor to Pres. Boris, that confirms she was a gun-toting cheerleader for the murder mongers, not a deluded teen, and a sound reason for keeping her ass (and the rest of her) out of the UK.”
The Award-Winning Herbie McGrath
Q: How much is an apology from Wee Burney worth to someone who didn't get an ambulance in time?
A: 0.00001 of a bean.
The foreign-owned Britisch Airways has confected a 'perfect carbon neutral' flight from London to Paisley. The reduction in emissions will have zero effect on the climate of The Planet.
The legal trade is seeking to create the crime of ecocide (cf genocide) as a means of Xtracting vaster amounts of cash from prosecuting & defending businesses which cause pollution and imaginary destruction of the enviromint.
A main aspect of the scam involves diluting genuine science to vanishing point and giving uninformed opinions equal status in court.
“The more argy bargy, the more cash for the legal spivs. Never fails.” Ann Droid
Message to the Ministry of Energy: Stop pissing about and get the coal-fired power stations up to full speed so that methane gas can be used to make fertilizer and, as an essential by-product, the carbon dioxide which is in such short supply.
Q: Does wrapping the Arc de Triomphe in 25,000 square metres of white fabric secured with 3,000 metres of red rope constitute a work of art?
A: Not in any sensible Universe.
The Department of Transport is plotting to cancel the piece of plastic which is the current driving licence in favour of something digital, which will be available only to those with a pocket phone. Which will make them even more popular targets for thieves. EU law is being blamed for not allowing this to be done pre-Brexit.
The government is also plotting a major campaign of amendment, replacement & repeal of EU-imposed laws which are of no benefit to the Britisch public, such as the ban on Imperial weights & measures.
Another pointless triumph for the Warmists
Their anti-humanity activities have created a world shortage of methane natural gas, crippling industries which rely on it for making carbon dioxide and driving cowboy energy firms into cancellation.
Putinstan has got the EFU hot under its XL collar with the economic warfare tactic of inflating the price of gas shamelessly, knowing that mainland Europe is firmly under Putin's thumb, gaswise.
As a spin-off, price comparison websites face going bust as there is no longer anything much left to compare.
“Does President Creaky Joe have a memory span of 1.2 seconds and is that why he can never remember anyone's name? Actually, his big problem turns out to be that he is surrounded by totally unmemorable non-entities, both @ home and abroad. No wonder he can't remember any of the names of such inconsequential zombies.” Defin Paradise
Ode to a . . . (channelling Jim Morrison)
I think I'll open a little shop . . .
A gift shop in Berlin . . .
And I think I'll call it "Putin's". . .
[One for our German speakers. Ed.]
A third member of the KGB team responsible for the Salisbury poisonings, the failed attempt on the life of former spy S. Skripal and the murder of D. Sturgess has been identified. The man who was in charge is a Putinstani agent using the alias Denis Sergeyev, 53.
Q: What can you do if you want to get rid of a couple of hundred million bucks?
A: Get SpaceX to launch you into low Earth orbit (but higher than the ISS) for 3 days so that you can pretend to be doing scientific experiments before you come back down to your boring life on the boring planet.
The 'mission' is described as a triumph for diversity. Decoded, that means it was entirely pointless. Apart from increasing atmospheric pollution due to rocket fumes, of course.
Ay, Oh! Let’s GO!
The wonky tip of New Zealand's tail wants to change the name of the place to AOtearoom. Presumably because the wonks think they can do a sponsorship deal with AO.com.
“Apparently, there are looney left Democrap politicians on the public payroll who don't know that the rich are taxed and pay most of the taxes collected by the government of the Untied States.
“Thus, they think it's a cute stunt to turn up at a beanfeast wearing a frock with a 'Tax the Rich' slogan. A. Occasional-Cortez of New York did this. She is supposed to be an influencer but behaves more like someone under the influence of freebie booze.” Osgood Z'Beard
Where is Hulme Hall Grammar School? Does it even exist in the real world? Those were the questions prompted by recipients of a flyer with all sorts of other stuff delivered by a postman with no post to offer. And as for the others, all the school had to offer was the phone number, email address and website info you get from fly-by-nighter cowboys. No danger of a street address for actual buildings.
This year's Total Bollocks Prize goes to President Boris for telling us that the chances of saving The Planet @ his November Warmist jamboree are just 6 in 10. But no doubt enough natural gas will be available to keep the venue in Glasgow unaffected by late autumn frosts.
“The Planet will be around for another 5,000,000,000 years. Can't say the same about Pres. Boris, though.” Gladston Container
Put the Warmism on hold
There's no gas for power stations and the wire that brings nuclear-generated electricity across the Channel from France is broken. Will the occasionals; wind & solar; bridge the gap? Will they buggery. Especially if the wires that bring wind power south from Wee Burneystan keep breaking.
Forgetting all the Boris Green Bollocks and activating all 3 of the remaining and much reviled coal-fired power stations for affordable electricity that's reliable and able to respond to changes in the demand whims of the customers is the government's only sensible choice.
[(a) Just as well they haven't been demolished. (b) Since when did sense have anything to do with government? Ed.]
Q: What is a 6-figure settlement like the one paid by the BBC to the former Royal nanny as damages for the lies told about her by M. Bashedear?
A: If the figures have to be different, 1+2+3+4+5+6; or 21p; is the simplest. Or anything down to 6p if duplication is allowed.
What a giveaway when the Labour lot start moaning that the government is complacent. TranslationSirk Reepy's gang has nothing of any use on offer.
“The police really are useless if the Home Sec. has to summon their leaders in order to bang heads together and order them to stop yobs from larking about on motorways.”
Today’s Word: Nocation
1. Staying @ home to avoid being ripped off by holiday host spivs.
2. Too busy to go on holiday.
Women have been cancelled in what passes for wonk culture. They are now officially 'people who are not men'. But for how long can men continue to get away with it?
The University Ratings Board has found that St. Andrew's in the Kingdom of Fife is better than Oxo & Cantab @ satisfying its customers and delivering Value For Money to its customers.
The manufacturers of booze-laden fizzy water drinks are in trouble with Ofalc, the booze regulator, for dressing their products up in the clothing of soft drinks and pretending that their liquid is extraordinarily healthy and life-enhancing.
Today’s Word: Mxknifesto
Gender-driven nit-picking with a cutting edge
On manoeuvres again
The Mandelsleaze, twice sacked for absurd levels of dodginess by the dodgiest ever prime monster T.B. Liar, is so desperate for something to do that he is pretending that he would like to be the star of Sirk Reepy's Cabinet under a Labour government.
“That would be a virtual labour government? As an actual one with Sirk Reepy in charge is never gonna happen.” Dinna Giva
“Maybe the Mandelsleaze will come up with something to deflect attention from the parallel jamboree for Labour's Semitism cancellers when the mainstream party has its conference. But don't hold your breath. Not with Baroness 'Whitewash' Chukabutty and some bloke who's the Welsh First Meenister also at the official do.” Bakkan Forth
Shortages of staff & supplies, tax rises and unaffordable energy prices are expected to wipe out 62% of the nation's small businesses within the next 7⅓ months. Unless the government moves loadsa taxpayers' cash in their direction.
The Trivial Liberals want to make interweb access a 'uman bluddy right. Paid for by someone else, of course.
“Having oil & gas for home heating isn't on the Trivials' list, though. They want to tax both fuels out of Xistence, even though they have nothing on offer to replace them.” Penalty Jones
“Are the Trivs going to make being an astronaut another 'uman bluddy right? Sounds daft enuff and pointless enuff to be on their list.” Herbie Detector
Nothing is working?
No one is responsible
or slightly accountable?
How can you cope?
Getting unashamably ratted on BurneyBru™
is one solution to making your troubles go away
It’s a massive 132o proof
Frolic acid is to be added to white bread to get the lower orders leaping about a bit more. Posh people who eat wholemeal or artisan bread will be exempt.
Pres. Creaky Joe let Pres. Boris know that he can forget a trade deal with the US as Joe is more interested in the Irish vote than the Britisch one.
“The Labour party claim that this government doesn't care about working people is absurd. A lot of the cash the government splashes around comes from working people and the government needs to keep in with them.” Genai Pounding
“What the Labour whingers are really going on about is the skivers and non-working people who voted for them last time around.” Public Woods
The La Palma volcanic eruption is being positioned as a Good Thing as the ash & aerosols ejected into the atmosphere block and scatter incoming sunlight and promote gorbal coolage.
Football fans are to be allowed to stand in stands again from January 2022, when a ban imposed over 25 years ago is cancelled under a government reform programme.
“Does a newsreader ordering the customers to have a wonderful afternoon at the end of his/her stint before the cameras constitute provocation of those with mental 'elf problems and the terminally miserable?” Incendiary Stoker
91% of fraudsters investigated by the police get away with it.
“Everyone with a coal fire can now sneer @ the gorbal warming fraudsters and announce that they are doing their bit to relieve the gas crisis using an alternative and dependable fuel.” Arbitrary Steamer
Q: "Zero up-front costs" means what?
A: Eye-watering down-back follow-up gouging.
Q: Is there any point to the ruling by the EuroCourt of 'Uman bluddy Rights that blames Putinstan for poisoning dissenter A. Litvinyenko with polonium and laying a radioactive trail across Europe?
A: As Putin the Poisoner and his stooges won't get a fair hanging, it just shoves taxpayers' cash into the pockets of legal parasites to zero benefit to the people who were obliged to cough up the cash.
GPs to be fitted with GPS so they can find their customers?
Sounds daft enough for some politician in search of notice to advocate it.
Entirely predictable, entirely inevitable
The shambles over the price of natural gas confirms the lesson of history which is never learnt, namely that when politicians start messing about to Save The World, everything ends up FUBB.
The people who signed up with one of the energy cowboys got the benefit of cheaper than commercial prices for a while from a new company trying to build up a client list.
And if their cowboy has gone bust and they have found themselves assigned to a dearer major player, welcome to the real world and excuse us if we ignore your whinges.
Today's Word: Workcation
Looking busy but actually doing bugger all
Raining in Ottawa? So what else is new?
We join this programme half an hour late due to bloody baseball with 8 minutes gone and the TigerCats 1-0 up on the RedBlacks thanks to a FG try which went over the right post for a miss. Another TC FG try was short, left. But a 39-yarder at the end of Q1 worked! 4-0.
A sideline sprint in Q2 got the Cats to the RB 10, TD on the next play, 11-0. After a couple of punts, they got the ball again from a fumbled exchange, FG, 14-0. A fake punt by the RBs didn't work but no damage from that or from going out on downs. The Cats missed another FG try.
A pick-6 by Rolle in Q3 put the Cats 21-0 ahead. The RBs got on the scoreboard with a brilliant punt return for a TD in Q4, 21-7. The rain was either off or not that heavy, but the RBs couldn't perform. A muffed punt catch try with 2 minutes left gave the ball to Hamilton. FG from it. 24-7 final.
The SNP has turned Wee Burneystan into a free-for-all for drug dealers and junkies. The police there are now allowed to do no more than mildly harass people with drugs in their possession and create some pointless paperwork. The rest of the UK is not included in this policy but the policing is not terrifically better.
“Wee Bee seems to be determined to hang on to her drug deaths world record.” Rhett Rograde
“Is this alleged gas crisis really a plot by militant veggies to cancel chicken, turkey & pork?” Ann Kilbiter
“And force everyone who can't get hold of some red meat to have a veggie unmerry Xmas?” Hugh Diddit
Spotted dick steamed puddings are heading for Xtinction. Millennial snoflakes think the concept is fictitious or something to do with King Richard III; or the name is a bad joke or refers to an Xtremely unsightly STD.
If your GP gives you a phone consultation, find out where your nearest A&E is and how to get there because there is a 19% chance you'll need to.
Far Queue in spades!
Following the revelation that the PM of Canada, J. Trudeau, wore black face paint and a turban @ a party @ the school where he was working as a teacher 20 years ago, Canada has been Xpelled from the Untied Nations and the Commonwealth. And the other 191 nations on The Planet have withdrawn their ambassodors from Canada whilst playing the rachelism card and being insufferably smug.
The world has still not forgotten that Prince Hairy once dressed up in a Narzi uniform for a party and he is still on probation for that.
38-47% of teenage girls became mental elves through messing about on the interweb too much during locko, the Xperts have decided.
A BIG Boo to Boris!
President Boris claims that humanity is at an imaginary tipping point.
Translationjust a routine scare tactic and an attempt to position himself as the saviour of humanity.
“His big problem is that we are all well aware that decarbonization is just a crude scam. It's hijacking of the discussion about what to do when the oil runs outwhich is centuries awayand all about blowing vast amounts of money on virtue flagging stuff which is inferior, e.g. windmills & solar panels.” Leggit Abscond
“What bollocks Boris talks. The Planet isn't about to become uninhabitable. Just somewhat different on the surface. Something which has been going on for 4,500 million years.” Incom Pleat
“The Planet didn't give a rat's arse for the dear, departed dinosaurs. It won't give a rat's arse if mammals go Xtinct and there are no more rats as well as 'umans.” Homicidal Vole
“It's all about posturing and ripping off the public. It's all about politicians and the people taking taxpayers' cash from them pretending that they can control Mother Nature and the climate. They can't. They know it, we know it.” Elegant Lizard
“Let's take the 'war' to the Warmists and stop them in their tracks.” Accidental Paradox
“To the lamp posts with the lot of them and we maybe we'll get a bit of peace and a chance to enjoy the cash they're just blowing to no purpose.” Emilio Rutgers
[Looks like The Revolution is one day closer . . . Ed.]
The Alouettes in T’ronno
A quick punt from the Argos, the Als took longer to stall. DPI put the Argos in FG range, TD from the next play, 0-7. The Als made 3rd & 1 to the TA 10 in Q2, TD from the next play, 7-all. The Argos coughed up the kick off but sacked the Als to a FG, 10-7. The Argos reached the MA 3 with 1:11 to go, TD, 10-14 with 45 seconds left. Adams was picked @ midfield. Bethel-Thompson fired off 2 passes to a TD, 10-21 at the half.
In Q3, Adams rushed 25 yards to FG range but the Als fumbled the ball away. Next time they got close, it was Stanback on the ground to a TD, 17-21 after 13 minutes. Q4 started with an Argo FG, 17-24. FG, FG, Adams was picked again, FG. 20-30 with 2 minutes to go. 2 big pass plays to Wienecke gave the Als a TD with 35 seconds left. 27-30, cue an on-side kick try; no cigar.
Short-Change Week 8 closed with the Riders in BC
Michael & Co. 2 & gone. Cody & Co. did better and made a 3rd & 1 twice on the way to a FG and 3-0. A quick TD for the Lions in reply; Whitehead can be good rather than Lucky; 3-7. Punt, punt, FG, 6-7.
Q2 started with punting. A huge pass play got the Roughriders to the BC 24, FG, 9-7. The Lions regained the lead with a TD in the last minute, 9-14. The Riders kicked another FG in Q3, 12-14. One back for BC, 12-17. SK were sacked to a punt but BC fumbled the kick back to them, on to a TD, no +2, 18-17 at half time.
Rather iffy DPI in the SK goal got the Lions to the 1, TD, 18-24. BC missed a long FG try and went 2 & out after intercepting Fajardo with 3 minutes to go. It was a dreadful punt to midfield. The Riders reached the BC 4 with 50 seconds left. They were sacked on 1st down, on to the 1, and Fajardo went in for a 3rd down TD. 25-24 final? Nope. Unlucky Whitehead fumbled away the kick off with a couple of seconds left and a "scoop & score" TD made the Riders 31-24 winners.
Meanwhile, a bit further South
We had an NFL play of the week that was genuinely extraordinary on Sunday. A 68-yard field goal try (wudda bin a new record) by the Cardinals fell short and was returned 109 yards from the Jaguars' end zone for a touchdownthe longest ever play in NFL history.
But, of course, the CFL can offer much longer ones.
The Lions were 16-17 up against the Ravens and daring to hope they'd won one. Until Mr. Tucker kicked a 66-yard FG at 00:00, breaking the NFL record and handing the Ravens a walk-off win. Like the one the spluttering Packers inflicted in San Francisco.
From the performance of their president for the BBC @ the weekend, we can keep Pakistan off our list of friends as the place is backing the Talibandits by refusing to say a bad word about them. In fact, the president of Pakistan seemed to be wishing that he could dare to take his country back to the 7th century, which is where the Talibandits live without the benefit of all this Western democracy crap.
Dairy foods are back on the "good for you" list as they have a positive effect on cardiac 'elf. Veganists are speechless with rage @ this message from Australia.
In addition to not being able to harass drug dealers & junkies, the police in Scotlandland have the added complication of a new computer system that's dead great. Or it would be if anyone knew how to operate it.
The SNP's policy of slashing the ranks of the civilian workers who do the backroom stuff is not helping any. But Wee Burney's Bunch is heartened by the backing of Sir Kreepy Steamer, who thinks going soft on the drugs trade is The Right Thing To Do.
Wee Burneystan is in danger of running out of poor people. A boom in the housing market as the Chinese plague threat backs off means that they can no longer afford to live there. Rich people selling up mansions in the London area and moving North are getting the blame.
“Are we seeing some sort of scam in action to put illegal immigrants off coming here? The police are a bunch of chocolate teapots, the court system is a joke, doctors don't want to be in the same county as their customers, teachers won't go to schools . . . The list just goes on and on. Oh, yes. And the shops are all empty and petrol stations are closed and there is no gas or electricity. Some desirable paradise.” Fortified Johnson
Mired in a madhouse
T. Davie, the DG of the BBC, has admitted that the company has appointed so many looney left wonks to its top jobs that the Bollocks Broadchasing Company is no longer seen as a sensible career choice by normal people. And that is why is it is impossible to get a balanced view from the BBC.
[We just knew there had to be a good reason for it. Ed.]
President Boris has come up with an explanation for why so many politicians are such idiots. The 'uman race, in terms of the average lifespan of a mammalian species, has reached its teenage years. And that is why politicians behave like irresponsible, reckless and thoughtless teenagers.
They just can't help it, not their fault, blame someone else.
Not even slightly fooled
It seems there is a new film out called Operation Mincemeat based on a book of the same name about 'a relatively unknown episode in World War II', which carries the implication that going to see the film would be a valuable educational experience.
One small problemit was all done back in the 1950s. In 1953, Ewen Montague had a book called The Man Who Never Was published which was based on his 1943 idea of fooling the Germans by leaving washed up on a beach, the body of an officer attached to a briefcase containing bogus top secret documents.
And in 1956, a film of the same name of the book was released. And it has been on TV several times. So 3/10 for hype to the makers of the new film and 0/10 for originality.
“Those who ignore history are condemned to repeat it. How true those words are, even today.” Mainframe Hooker
Q: Why is Labour deputy Ludicrous Rayner always going on about working people when, as a politician, she has probably never done a useful day's work in her life and she has no idea what being a working person involves?
A: Because she's a politician.
[And someone whom Sirk Reepy seems to be doing his best to disown as a total slag; not that he'd dare to admit what he's doing. Ed.]
“I bet she couldn't write a 12,000-word essay about nothing in particular.” Vlad McGift
Does "The Government" include "working people" of the sort that Labour is always going on about? 'Coz we're always being told that members of The Government and their minions are working real hard.
Q: What happens when you ask football's big stars to promote the vaccination programme against the Chinese plague?
A: 61% of them turn out to be big girl's blouses who run a mile at the sight of a needle.
The veganist cult has been labelled cultural appropriation and it is now liable for cancellation.
See it, wreck it, sorted
The MCC wonks have cancelled batsmen and created "battys" to be more inclusive.
The new term was originally "batters" but the Scottish chip shop trade threatened to sue for cultural appropriation and scared the life out of the wonks.
The fielding position "third man" is now "tertiary individual", also on diversity/inclusivity grounds.
from Professor of Doom C. Whittykids who don't get vaccinated will get the Chinese plague. Most of them.
If you get sick enough to need an appointment with a doctor on a Friday, you will probably die because lots of doctors are taking Friday off to get ready for their weekend off.
Someone more clued-up, please
The director of the latest Bond epic, who has the unfortunate name of Fukunata, clearly doesn't get the character if he thinks the spy character, as played by Sean Canary, shouldn't have used deception, intimidation and sexual violence to achieve his goals.
Maybe he'd be more comfortable in another line of work. How about driving an HGV? Useful and currently very much needed. And it would give him lotz of time to get his head around the concept of Nice Guys Always Lose.
“You have to wonder about who the original Nata wasthe bloke who gave his descendants the benefit of such a prejorative appellation. He must have been a real obnoxious SoB!” Sulfuric Embol
Bang the Xperts’ heads together
Ocean levels are rising at the rate of about one foot per century, according to the latest panic message from marine Xperts.
But if the government advice from a decade and a half ago is followed, and all 8,000 million customers on The Planet double their daily consumption of drinking water, there will be a nett decrease in ocean levels, no increased flooding, and panicking experts going on about droughts. But, no doubt, they will find something else alarming to go on about.
The usual sound ‘n’ fury story
Following the general election in Germany on the last Sunday of the month, lotz of time and taxpayers' money are being wasted on forming a coalition which will have essentially the same policies as the previous one.
Which means that all the dosh is being wasted on which political egos will be stroked rather than on anything useful.
But what else is new?
Angular Mherkel is Xpected to stay on as a Karetaker Kanzler until the end of the year as Germany's losers wrangle and try to concoct a new coalition government.
One choice for the new boss is a conservative with a small 'c', who is being positioned as gaffe-prone by hostile meeja as he appears to have a sense of proportion.
His main rival is a looney left lawyer, who would like to see the Britisch still in the EFU and still being crushed under the heel of his jackboot.
Q: Is it reasonable to claim that Angular Mherkel has 'seen off' 2-term American presidents?
A: Given the limitations imposed by US law, it is a stoopid things to say. Not that such a minor consideration will keep journos from saying it.
Q: Are the fans of Putin the Poisoner going to make the same claim about him & Mherkel?
A: Stoopidity is not a sole reserve of people living in a dimocrazy.
The government is giving the QuikGro company a special licence to clone & grow 5,000 HGV drivers to address the current shortage. Working @ maximum capacity, the production plant is expected to complete the order by the middle of October.
Q: Diversity is good? Really?
A: Oh, yes. A football team seasoned with darts, snooker & badminton players to make up the numbers would be really great. But only at not winning football matches, of course.
The Reader Speaks!
“Angular Mherkelin power in Germany for 16 years or in office for that long?” Zac Curtain
“People who live next to a volcano must expect to be erupted upon. Their choice, their problem.” Marlon Blackfroth
“If the milk of human kindness were intended to flow, it would. If it doesn't, blame The Universe for another shoddy job.” Sam Brendas-Grunt
“Whatever it is, I’m against it!”
Xpect a lot of noise from the anti-fluoride mob as the government has decided to put it in all drinking water, not just in that enjoyed by a select 10% of its customers.
“If there is no advantage to being rich under a wonderful, Corbynstein-free Sirk Reepy Labour government, people who aren't rich won't make the effort to become rich and people who are rich won't stay here to be robbed blind. Then where will Labour get its taxes from? Especially if business rates have been abolished. Has to be the poor old 'working people' which Ludicrous Rayner & Co. profess to adore.” Waterproof Jones
Q: Is the Mherkel tactic of having no known political beliefs the blueprint being followed here by Sirk Reepy?
A: It certainly looks that way.
Q: If, as her apologists are claiming, Mherkel's pig-headedness forced the Britisch to vote for Brexit, is she now in line for an MBE from a grateful nation?
A: That sounds daft enuff to be true.
Tuesday Night Football in the nation’s capital?
It was a good first quarter for the Antlers; apart from having no offence, no defence and the RedBlacks scoring two touchdowns in the first 5 minutes. The good news in Q2 was that the Ants scored a TD and the RBs managed just a FG. 7-17 at half time.
In Q3, Swiss cheese on a punt return gave the RBs another TD. The Ants had to work hard for their next one, and both sides kicked a FG for 17-27. A pick in the RB end zone in Q4 was a summary of Edmonton's luck.
A TD for each side let the RBs celebrate a 24-34 win and the end of an 11-match home losing streak. The Gods showed their approval of the RBs' efforts by refraining from raining on Ottawa for once.
“Bond, but not as we kno him, Jim.”
There are persistent rumours that the James Bond character in the latest film is so ancient that the scriptrotters have decided to make him more convincing by awarding poor old Jimmy a severe case of reptile dysfunction.
So severe, in fact, that the film censors have been able to award it a 'K' [for Kiddies, Ed.] rating as the old bloke is also too feak & weeble to bash the BGs properly.
Putinstan is claiming the 2021 World Record for forest fires.
and you weren't find this on the BBC 'news' website, but the Putin party was able to blag 72% of the parliament's seats with under 50% of the votes cast by about one-half of the electorate. So that's a disapproval rating of 75% for all the murder & corruption provided by Putin the Poisoner.
No need to panic, nothing to see
President Boris has reaffirmed the importance of the relationship between the UK and France. Despite the disappointment; for the French; of not being able to sell their old diesel-power submarines to the Aussies, the UK/France relationship remains unchanged with the importance level still at zero.
Iconic writing instruments like pencils, Parker pens and Bic ballpoints are approaching the verge of Xtinction as snoflakes don't do handwritten documents. It's all done digitally on a device, these days, and sans individuality for graphologists to interpret.
“Which means that they will be confined to historical documents in the glorious future.” L.G.R.
Q: What's a great way to lose an argument?
A: Be on TV as a traffic-disrupting Insulate The World looney who hasn't had his own home insulated. Which seems to be quite common among this class of wonks & wreckers.
Babies have higher levels of microplastic bitz inside them than adults, the Xperts reckon. Although they have no evidence that the bitz are harmful, customers are advised to panic just to be on the safe side.
“If people have a 'uman bluddy right not to be vaccinated against the Chinese plague; footballers, TV performers, care sector/NHS staff, etc.; then everyone else has an equal and opposite right to know when they are near someone unsafe and choose not to be anywhere near them.” Unexpected Earphone
“And those who won't say if they've been done must expect to languish in the unclean box until the Chinese plague goes away.” Jeffree Lunch
Take Night Owl™ for Chastity Nights
You know it makes sense to Rest Easy!
Romiley Medical Supplies, 31 Riverside Drive
Q: Does anyone give a rattenkranz about an actress, who doesn't know which sex she is, has zero dress sense and whose name provokes a 'Nope, never heard of her' reaction?
A: One guess.
Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.
|Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium.|
© RAL, September MM21 like anyone cares