This websight [sic Ed.] does not indulge in human trafficking, slavery, yoghurt or the creation of meaningless virtue-signalling slogans. Please continue to read with confidence.

WEEK 1

 

Public Service Announcement The Romiley Fruit Growers' Association presents   “Stone Me” Their annual festival of season-free exotics will be held in the Romiley Millennium Hall on the first Saturday in June. Admission free!

Unusual fairness
The London fire brigade is to blame for most of the Grenfell tower deaths, according to the expert who published his report in the London Review of Books. The brigade's response was inept and shambolic, and the Tory councillors, who collected all the flak from the luvvie left, are free of serious blame.
Who is accountable? No one seems to be pointing a finger at the guy whose dodgy fridge started the whole thing off, or the fridge company.

The Russians are preparing to invade Europe
This is the experts' conclusion from the tide of anti-British and anti-European fake news sloshing out of the former Soviet Union at the rate of at least 50 fake items per week. Clearly, the Evil Empire is putting its alibis in place before sending in the tanks and making its pal J. Corbyn the President of Britain.
“Putin just doesn't get it. When he hears 'people like you', he assumes they mean 'people have affection for you' rather than the actual 'people of your repellent sort'.”

Interpol is colluding with the Russian campaign of harassment against those who are exposing corruption in high places in the Evil Empire by issuing defective arrest warrants and then spouting a load of bollocks when the harassment is exposed.

The boss of CAMRA has quit. Nor surprising if he wants to include lager in the real ale campaign's agenda. Not to mention Dutch alcohol-free substitutes for proper ales.

“Bremoaners are claiming that leaving the EU is the same as appeasing Hitler in 1938. Which just shows how wrong they are. Trying to keep the UK in the EU, despite the Brexit vote, is the equivalent of appeasing the petty Hitlers in Brussels.”

British universities, especially in London, are dropping down the world rankings due to a combination of poor teaching and pandering to snoflakes with safe spaces and censorship policies designed to eliminate freedom of speech and even thought. fr

“An MP threatening to report constituents as hate-crimers if they complain about her failure to support her party's manifesto commitments? A clear case of malpractice in a public office and grounds for impeachment.”

Same old road to you know where
Vaping with e-fags is the first step on the road to damnation, the experts have concluded. It is a one-way bridge to an actual tobacco habit, which is a one-way ticket to an early death from cancer, lung disease, heart disease, etc. The flavoured vapes, such as strawberries and cream, are the worst offenders.

Denmark will join Austria, Belgium and France (from 1st August) with a ban on people wearing full-face coverings in public, especially those used by terrorists and bank robbers.

Wanted: another foreign zillionaire to buy Chelsea FC now that V. Putin has told the current Russian owner to bale out.

The London Evening Standard, edited by Project Fear Osborne, has been accused of selling positive news coverage packages to the likes of Gooble and Über.
   The Russian-owned newspaper has claimed that everything in the package will be labelled as commercial content. But cynics are saying that the warning will be printed in fefefe grey. [Something indistinguishable from white to a casual glance. Ed.]

The Trump-Kim summit is back on again this week. (or maybe just for this weekend)

Rail travel is expected to remain a mess for the rest of the month due to the combined effects of Notwork Rail, the train operating companies and the trade unions.

If women become invisible at 45, how does anyone explain Theresa May? Or Harridan Harperson? Or Diane Abbott? Or Wee Burney Sturgeon?

Equality News
When BFN's facilitation committee was presented with a request for an allocation of a room in which female members and visitors could have a good cry, a lively debate ensued.
   Known trouble-makers immediately demanded a male crying room in the interests of equality. Used to such turns of events, the committee braced itself for a demand for a trans crying room. And then separate trans-male and trans-female crying rooms.
   When the meeting stopped laughing, the committee decided to assign a single diversity crying room for all in need of a good cry, regardless of race, creed or other divisions.
   The assignment will be made as soon as a suitable space has been identified. [Breath not being held. Ed.]

Revenge News
Labour leader J. Corbyn's backers have emerged from the woodwork to launch a Left Against Britain campaign.
   Their object is to make life miserable for everyone who didn't vote for Jezzer by keeping us in the E bloody U.

For what it's worth . . .
The average British citizen has 7 bottles of wine, a couple of bottles of prosecco and half a dozen bottles of craft beer in their drinks stash, according to a survey. A quick poll @ BFN found that no one had less than 2½ dozen bottles of wine, and no one had any prosecco or craft beer.

Sales drive
The illegal arms trade in Scotland is really struggling. So much so that dealers from Eastern Europe are having to offer members of Scotland's 163 serious and organized criminal gangs extras like a couple of free hand grenades thrown in with every Kalashnikov clone purchased to make their sales quotas.

Smile for the camera!
A bloke who tried to smuggle drugs and stuff into Perth prison has been given a chance to find out for himself how good other people's delivery services are.
   He and his two sidekicks didn't realize that a camera on their drone was switched on and recording their every move. And the police were delighted to recover an SD card full of incriminating video evidence from the drone after our hero crashed it whilst making a second delivery attempt.

Smoke & Mirrors
It's difficult not to assume that when the security services talk about threats from Islamists and right-wing terrorists, they include the right-wingers only to avoid upsetting 'the Moslem community', a remarkably large proportion of which appears to be on the side of the Islamists.
   Of course, it could be that the security services are having enormous success against right-wingers and that's why all the bombings and vehicular murders in the news are perpetrated by Islamists. But given the secret nature of the work of the security services, we'll never know.

We're coming to get you!
An international gang of scientists is in the Highlands on a Nessie hunt. Not that they're admitting it, of course. The stated object is to find out about the animals and plants which live in and around Loch Ness, and the group will be doing this by collecting and analyzing DNA samples from every available source, solid and liquid.
   "If we don’t find a monster, that doesn’t mean there is no monster," one of the Danish experts commented. Which rather gives the game away.

Whilst we're basking in summery conditions in England, spare a thought for the poor sods in Newfoundland, who are still waking up to dustings of snow and a wintry wind chill making their Monday feel like -7deg.C. The last time they had snow in June was 22 years ago. The last time there was snow in Romiley in June was about 1975.

The American robot voice on the phone is back again, pretending to be BT and threatening to cut off internet services to the good people of Romiley.
The phone number, from a 1471, is 01234 578 246.

Inconveniently alive
The wheels have come off the Establishment plot to pretend that J. Thorpe didn't try to have an inconvenient homosexual partner done in. One of the main reasons why the police felt safe to ignore the whole business was their story that the alleged hit man, who failed in his task, was dead.
   Surprise! he isn't. No surprise that he was gone from his home in Surrey when some coppers plodded round to harass him.
   Mr. Newton, now called Mr. Redwin, would appear to have a couple of options before him: say nothing and leave the police with the job of fitting him up unaided, or cash in by selling his story, possibly from somewhere with no extradition treaty with the UK.
The Gwent police have decided that Mr. Newton-Redwin has nothing new to tell them and they are planning to continue to sit on their hands on the sidelines, unmoved by whatever fictions the BBC puts in its productions loosely based on the failed assassination of N. Scott.
   Maybe they should get Tony B. Liar to write an IRA-style 'get out of gaol free' letter to Mr. Newton-Redwin to nail the lid down firmly.
   And maybe the BBC should take Mr. N-R's girlfriend up on her offer to sell her life story for £500K as a means of keeping the pot boiling.

We're coming to get you!
The police farce of the Metropolis is spending thousands of pounds of hard-working taxpayers' money on finding out the colour of the personality of coppers and civilian staff in order to empower them.
   A mouthpiece for the Met insisted that getting an equal balance of personality colours at every police facility plays an important part in achieving the government's diversity targets.

“There's a lot of fuming and point scoring and hyperbole about the new, useless timetables, but the fact remains that we don't have Third World railways in Britain. If we did, the rail companies would be allowed to relieve congestion by letting people ride on the roofs of carriages and hang off the sides of them.”

Mind melt
It's amazing how far down the road to insanity politicians will go when they want to attack their opponents. Democraps in the United States, for instance, have been reduced to defending violent criminal gangs after President Trump went out of his way to condemn one of them. [Kind of drifting from virtue signalling to insanity signalling. Ed.]
   Another recent example of insanity signalling is the council of a town in Massachusetts, which ordered a businessman to reduce the 200 flags in the grass in front of his offices 'to a reasonable amount' on the grounds that he had violated a town statute on excessive flags.
   Naturally, his response was to add a further 500 flags to honour America's veterans even more!

Corruption is king
No surprise that Gary bloody Lineker has turned out to be a Putin pal. The guy who was advocating a boycott of the Russian World Cup because Putin bought it from FIFA has a bit of explaining to do.
“It would well be that footballers are stupid after all, hence Lineker.”

Time's up
Homeopathy on the NHS is to get the bullet after the British Homeopathic Association lost a High Court protest against NHS England, which concluded that it was wasting £4 million of taxpayers' cash every year. Private deals are not affected, of course.

The Archbish of Cantab thinks that the EU is Man's greatest achievement since the fall of the Roman empire. Sounds like it's time to send for the looney bin's yellow van and the men in white coats!

Boneheadedness is king
A cow belonging to a farm in Bulgaria strays across the border to Serbia. The farmer retrieves the animal but he can't have her back because she left the EU and doesn't have a passport.
   As a result, the jobsworths of the EU want to kill a perfectly healthy animal because they are too boneheaded to do anything else.
Given that boneheads are boneheads everywhere (like idiots), the Windrush deportees can count themselves lucky to be still alive instead of having been quietly butchered as inconveniences — because no burrocrap can resist a chance to be awkward and to stick it to someone who's paying their wages.
“Maybe the cow can pretend to be an asylum seeker or an economic migrant. That would get her first-class treatment.”
The Bulgarian burrocraps have been shamed into not killing the cow which took a stroll in Serbia, and she will be returned to her owner. No apology is on offer, of course.

President MacRon's chief of staff has been accused of corruption; something which is quite normal (if not expected) in French government circles. The President is claiming that the allegations are completely unfounded, though, so everything is okay.

Liverpool lost the Champions' Leauge final because there is no concussion protocol for international football and their goalkeeper had it after one of the Spanish thugs assaulted him.

What restarts in Week 2? The CFL! Yay!!

Nothing personal, pal, you're just handy
The bloke whose fridge started the Grenfell Tower fire seems to be surprised that he's getting the blame and death threats, even though he did nothing wrong.
   But after what happened to the local councillors, who weren't to blame for the fire either, he needs to realize that the mindless mob isn't interested in trivial things like guilt and innocence. It just wants a target, and he's an obvious one.

What have they done to Harvey Weensteen's trousers?

At least it wasn't as bad as what happened to this poor sod.

Cat patrol
The police might not be bothered about muggings and burglaries, but if you dare to feed a cat who looks a bit thin and homeless, watch out! If the cat does happen to have an owner, who makes a complaint, the police will be round like a ganga bandits with a Community Protection Notice and threats to lock you up for life if you so much as look at someone else's pet.

Poverty, but not as we know it, Jim
A massive one-tenth of the population claimed to have an annual income of £5,000, including state benefits, in the tax year 2016/17. And yet this bunch managed to spend getting on for £12K each in the same period.
   The poverty industry, of course, would prefer us to ignore all this hidden wealth as it is damaging to the industry's credibility. [And wealth. Ed.]

More boobs on show
The Can't Prosecute Service has revealed the results of a review, which found that 48 cases involving sex-crime prosecutions collapsed due to negligence on the part of the police and the prosecution during a period of just 6 weeks of the year. The outgoing (with good reason?) head of the CPS admits that this is just the tip of an iceberg.
Our readers can be assured that no coppers, lawyers, civil servants or quangocrats will be sacked or disciplined as a consequence of their incompetence.

The BBC is in trouble with the people who believed what its weather forecast app told them about the late May Bank holiday. Violent storms, said the Beeb. Blue skies and sunshine everywhere is what we actually got.
   The BBC, which sacked the Met Office (which got the forecast right), now uses multiple sources for its forecasts to increase confusion.

The government is sending its whips out to lash Tory lords who drop off in the Chamber and make the place look like a doss house. Labour and the Liberals are not bothered by their persistent kippers making the place look untidy.

Britain has suffered a wind drought during the first week of the month, making turbines just expensive ornaments and leaving it to proper power stations to keep the lights on.

WEEK 2

 
A solution to all Brexit problems
“I read that some Dutch firm is going to stop buying things from British firms post-Brexit. Maybe we should all stop buying anything that comes from Holland. And if this spreads to the whole of the EU, the trade problem will go away because there won't be any.”

Yanking their cranks!
Greek courts seem to have gone down the American route to ridiculous sentences for criminals. Three members of a major people-smuggling gang were awarded 360 years in gaol apiece. A fourth member of the gang got off very lightly indeed with a mere 357-year sentence.

Ulterior motive
The UK's loneliness index has been pretty constant for the last 70 or so years, according to the experts. Which suggests that the people who claim we're in the grip of a major loneliness epidemic have something to gain from their activities. Usually financial.

They really saw you coming!!
Currys PC World is in trouble for screwing 80 quid out of customers for a gold-plated, 1-metre HDMI cable when a 40 quid basic black one would work just as well.
“I bought a gold-plated 1.5 M HDMI cable a couple of years ago. It cost four quid. Currys should be made to change their name to Mugs Only.”

How to survive post-Brexit
“Well, there's a brilliant marketing idea someone had! If it's someone's Day – Father's, Mother's, Auntie Ethel's, Uncle Ethel's – offer cards which can be sent to everyone who is excluded from what is supposed to be some group's 'special' day. Diversity, inclusion, all the boxes ticked. Magic!”

Time hangs heavy?
What do the nation's coppers do when they're fiddling crime figures, not investigating burglaries and ignoring muggings?
   Harassing customers with imaginary hate crimes gets them out of the office whenever they feel like a breath of fresh air.

Man of the moment
President Trump has a low threshold of boredom and a wicked fun streak. Force to associate with the G7 heads of state of Canada, France, Germany, Italy and Japan, and our own fragrant Prime Minister, and confronted with the prospect of the usual moans from the usual suspects, he decided to stir the pot a bit with a demand that Putin the Poisoner be readmitted to the gang.
   Result: life made a bit more interesting for everyone.
Putin the Poisoner was booted out of what was the G8 in 2014 for doing an Anschluß on Crimea.

Took them long enough
The Austrian government is getting ready to apply laws passed in 2015 to ban foreign funding of religious organizations.
   This will affect mosques paid for by Turkish Islamists and there will be no visas for foreign preachers, who encourage parallel societies and spout political Islam to the masses.

Spin-dizzy
Scotland's wee first meenister is in a bit of a hole.
   She was hoping that reviving the independence vote issue would distract attention from the SNP's manifold failures over the last decade in the area of education, transport, policing, etc.
   But the latest polls give 51% against another referendum, 38% for and the rest don't care. Worse, most of the europhile SNP supporters now don't want to spilt up the UK, which means that Wee Burney's party is split up the middle.
   Lots of tubes of Sticko urgently needed to cobble together some sort of political fudge before the Sturgeon hopes of becoming President of Scotland vanish down the plug hole forever.

What goes around . . .
The shrinking Russian economy is bringing austerity to the national space programme. Cyber attacks against other countries and the lethal activities of Putin Otravitel' and his cronies have resulted in delays in the development of interplanetary projects, a slowing down of construction at the Vostochny Cosmodrome and delays in the development of new rockets and space equipment.
   A policy of putting cronies in charge of space-related projects is expected to become yet another road-block. Something else that won't help is China's decision to open its space station to other members of the United Nations. This (rather small) competitor to the ISS [below] is expected to become fully functional in 2022.

Sporting contrast
The Canadian Grand Prix has a reputation for excitement and champions hitting the wall. Deathly dull this year. The Texas 600 IndyCar race, in contrast, had a car on fire and the driver baling out safely on lap 7, and the repellent Aussie whinger introducing himself to the wall with 40-some laps to go.
   But what was with that parade of concrete-mixer trucks after New Zealander S. Dixon had shown the Americans how it's done? Was that the Mafia sponsors advertising their disposal service for inconvenient bodies?

New Zealand has a plan to save the kiwi, its national symbol. The plan involves killing every rat in the country. Any chance of sending Tony B. Liar there on a visit when the extermination begins?

Significant shifts
The G7 is on course to become the G6 after President Trump persuades himself that he will never get on with the other members. Rumours that he is on course to form a G 2.0 with Russia after the US pulls out of the G7 have been 86'd by the US State Department.
[What about a G-3, also including North Korea? Ed.]

Dictator Kim of North Korea is so afraid of assassination that he sends out three airliners when he quits the country and leaves potential assassins to guess which one he's on. Which is rather a waste of time as anyone who is serious about doing him in would be able to afford three missles.

“It seems to be impossible for a journo to write the word brothel without attaching sleazy to it. Even when the venue is a £1.3 million flat at the heart of Mayfair. Apparently, revered author Jeffrey Archer gets the blame for the association. Good job he has broad shoulders.”

“Something I've yet to fathom is the logic of websites plastering pictures of stuff I've already bought in their advertising spaces.
   “I've got one, they know I've got one, and that I don't need to buy another.
   “They say a fool and his money are soon parted. That clearly applies in spades to interweb advertisers.”

Knowledge cycle
Technology is devolving the human race, the experts have concluded. An abundance of gadgets has resulted in young people playing with them instead of reading books and exploring the world.
   As a consequence, the average IQ has been dropping by seven points per generation since 1975.
   The good news is that the human race won't devolve back to living in caves because there will come a point where kids are too dim to use gadgets and, deprived of them, they will start to engage with the real world again and get smarter as a result.

The Thwaites brewery in Blackburn, which the local police allowed gypsies to invade and wreck over the late May bank holiday, is damaged beyond repair and will be closed.
   The chief constable who presided over the shambles went on TV to offer excuses but no arrests were made, of course, as gypsies are immune to prosecution.

The blame for moped-riding thieves . . .
. . . goes to middle-class junkies, according to the experts. MCJs are pretentious about their coffee and where it comes from and the imagined welfare of the workforce, but they don't give two hoots about where their coke comes from.
   This view is highly unpopular with the poverty industry, which sees it as a direct threat to the fatcat salaries in their industry.

The big news from the G6½ meeting is that President Trudeau the Younger of Canada has fake eyebrows. Make what you will of that.

The man they love to pretend to hate!
Opinion polls in the United States continue to ignore the moans and groans of Luvviedom. President Trump's approval rating is growing at a faster rate than President O'Bummer's did at the same point in his first term. America's economy is booming under Trump and the people love that.

While Romiley basks in sunshine which is quite hot at times, France is getting our rain. A couple of months' worth in 24 hours in places, especially in the north and the south-west. In Paris, the safest place to be is the top of their imitation of Blackpool Tower.
   Things are not much better in southern Germany with fist-size hailstones pelting the region of the border with the Czech Republic. Roofs and vehicles suffered severe damage. But at least the hail wasn't accompanied by the tornadoes which the central states of the US get!

The American author Lionel Shriver has been awarded this month's Service to Literature award for coining the phrase 'drunk on virtue' to describe corporate and government pursuit of diversity at the expense of merit.
   She was stung into action by the decision by Penguin Books to sacrifice the previous policy of going for quality literature. In future, Penguin will be seeking out books by members of every minority under the Sun in the name of political correctness.

The way ahead
The Trump plan for North Korea is to convert all those beaches, where the NK army lines up tanks and mobile guns to blast offshore islands, into mega-beach resorts with condos. In fact, it's even possible that the millions of dollars which the US will save by not holding joint military exercises with the South Koreans could even be ploughed in to developing these areas.

The new politics
incontinent : leaking all over the place, mainly money to the EU.
excontinent : beautiful Brexit serenity with the leak plugged.

Anyone going to Russia is advised not to log on to any websites which require a password, especially not banking websites, as you will be hacked.

Vehicle manufacturers are being warned about advertising which hints that cars are ‘self-drive ready'. Apparently, the reduction in national IQ is making the average motorist dim enough to believe advertising puff which makes it look like a car can drive itself – even if it can't.

Q: How does one obtain a CBE?
        A: Obtain a place on one of the committees which hands them out or sign up with an agent who has a place on such a committee.

As before, only more so
Labour's role as the Party of Eternal Protest has been amplified since J. Corbyn was entered into a leadership contest as a looney-left, joke candidate; and won.
   Corby has a long history of voting against whatever previous Labour leaders proposed. He now leads a party consisting of loyalists, who support him through thick and thicker, and disloyalists, who do the Corbyn thing and oppose his every move.
   Out of this mess came the unlikely spectacle of Corbyn being hailed the saviour of Brexit by getting enough of his MPs to abstain on the wrecking amendments from the House of Frauds to sink the lot of them and really upset the Tory Bremoaners.

Appearances, above all!
The BBC would appear to have a policy of paying staff to have a sex-change in order to eliminate the differences in salaries paid to male and female staff. Men who become something which looks like a woman will be allowed to retain excessive salaries in the interests of creating a façade of equemtocy.

A solution to all Brexit problems, part 2
The pub chain Wetherspoon is simplifying its business, and its paperwork, ahead of Brexit by ceasing to import some wines and beers from France and Germany. Home produced products and imports from non-EU countries will be sold instead.

Bad guys neutralized
Drug smugglers driving from the Continent to Britain face an unexpected hazard; stowaways. A pair of Dutch guys was bagged at the Channel Tunnel when detection equipment found an economic migrant among their load of coke and cannabis.
   The drug guys were allowed to continue to Britain go be gaoled. The stowaway had to stay in France.

This week's closing Fantastic Fact
Newspapers have been entertaining their readers with fake 'scoops' on a regular basis at least since the 1840s, which means that the current flood of fake news is nothing new.
   It's just a symptom of the mayfly minds of people who actually believe stuff presented to them on the interweb by anonymous sources of nil provenance.

Public Service Announcement He's been called the Blogger of the Decade His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

WEEK 3

 
The nuisance caller of the week is: 01950 304867
The area code belongs to Sandwich in Scotland. Either the line is dropped at the other end when the phone is picked up, or some scammer pretends to be from Microsoft, or there's a 'cut off your internet' scam.

The Cloth-Ears Prize of the week: goes to the correspondent who heard, "We saw snatreal ingredience" in a TV advertisement. [We source natural ingredients, in case you were wondering. Ed.]

Aaaaaaaaa-cho!
A warm, dry transition from spring to summer (which starts officially at the end of this week) has created record (well, the highest for a decade) pollen counts, particularly of grasses, which are going mad at the moment.

Unclean! Unclean!
The United States is heading for a measles epidemic because an increasing number of parents are refusing to have their children vaccinated on religious or philosophical grounds.
   Measles was officially declared extinct in the US in 2000 but people will keep taking unvaccinated kids abroad and bringing them back incubating a dose of measles. 18 states currently allow non-medical exemptions from vaccination. California is not one of them, having abolished such exemptions following a measles outbreak in 2014/15.

We're still a bit prehistoric
Evolution is to blame for most babies being born during the night. The experts have concluded that the basic model for humans is stuck at the point where men were out hunting dinosaurs all day and women were gathering fruits and grains.
   Babies are born at night because that's when the community is gathered together in its cave and there are likely to be other people around to assist in the event of a difficult birth.

DEPARTURES
Steve Sneyd, writer, academic and publisher in his eighth decade. He was an expert on genre poetry, particularly science fiction poetry, and the proprietor of the Hilltop Press, a vehicle for publishing his own work and that of like-minded others.
   He will be remembered principally for his quirky 4-page creation Data Dump – collections of observations, news and comments presented, uniquely in the computer age, in his own distinctive handwriting.

BANG! A reminder of the frailty of existence. Getting on for 2 p.m. on a Saturday afternoon, composing the above obit and the monitor screen went blank and the PC went silent. Outside, the air was filled with the sounds of burglar alarms cheeping their distress at being deprived of electricity.
   Nothing much to do but go for a pee, have a drink of water and wait for the power to come on again, which it did quite quickly.

Fireworks on the ground and in the sky!
That was a punishing start to the new CFL season, when Thursday Night Football was expanded by a pair of breaks for lightning of around 90 minutes each into Friday in Winnipeg.
   The latest a CFL match has ever ended could even have been even later had the match gone into overtime. But, with the scores tied at 30-all and 1:22 left, the Eskimos forced the home team to punt and zoomed to field goal range for a win. Phew!

BANG 2 Two hours later, the same again. Only it was the TV news which vanished, leaving me to enjoy a cup of tea with today's paper; gas stove and uninterruptible words on paper.
   This time, they managed to keep the 2 bits of wire joined and we were able to enjoy the whole of the Friday Night Football replay. The World Champions of Canada, the T'ronno Argonauts, were tonked in Regina, Sackskatchewan, by the Roughriders, reversing the result of last season's crossover Eastern Final.

What on Earth is going on in Glasgow?
The west wing of the iconic School of Art building was devastated by a fire in 2014. A £35 million refurbishment was expected to be completed by next February but the entire building has now been reduced to just a shell by a fire which swept from one end of the structure to the other. How was that allowed to happen?
   A brilliant 150th birthday present for Mr. Mackintosh, who designed the building.

Mr. Reckless outraged
Gordon F. Broon's reckless spending when Chancellor of the Exchequer and Prime Minister put the country on the road from a balanced budget to a deficit heading for £2,000 BILLION. Now, he has the hump with the SNP government in Scotland over finances.
   Before Indyref1, the Gnats promised a land flowing with milk and honey. Now, according to the Man Who Stole Your Pension, the SNP recipe for Indyref2 contains neither milk nor honey. At least they've had the good sense not to let him anywhere near it!

He gets away with more than his fair share of cheating on football pitches but putting one over on the taxman is a different proposition. Which is why Ronald Ho, the man we love to hate, is having to cough up £16.5 million to the Spanish tax authorities to avoid the inconvenience of a couple of years in gaol, according to the local meeja.

Burglars now have a 97% chance of getting away with it in England and Wales, thanks to the idiots in charge of our police farces. Sounds like it's time to impose a minimum prison sentence of 10 years for burglary and robbery, and up that to 15 years if it doesn't have a deterrent effect.
   It has been suggested that on a Blue Moon when they are caught, burglars tell the police they are Travellers, knowing that the coppers will have to smile and let them go on their merry way with their loot.

Have Mercy
David Dimbleby to quit Question Time at 79? Maybe it's time the old codger retired completely to write his memoirs or something equally useful. Surely the nation has had more than its fair share of him.

A Way Ahead
Zero tariffs on sales of all goods manufactured in the EU or Britain, and also on services performed in those countries.
   Goods and services which receive government subsidies which lower the selling price artificially will be excluded from the arrangement and subject to separate (possibly also zero) tariffs.

The ancient Tory MP, who blocked a private member's bill on upsakirting, is claiming he didn't do it because he's a filthy old perv. He sez he did it on principle because private members' bills are never subjected to proper scrutiny.
   The government is doing a virtue-signal by launching an official bill on the same subject, but it's likely to run into the same problem as burglary, namely that the upsakirting perv will just claim to be a Traveller and the police will have to let him/her/it go.

The Grenfell Tower fire inquiry is being blighted by institutional racialism and ethnic stereotyping by the lawyers working for the complainants.

Not Guilty
The Great and the Overinflated in the United States are having a lot to say about the children of illegal immigrants being separated from their parents in Texas but President Trump isn't to blame for making illegal entry into the US a misdemeanour criminal charge.
   That's all down to a law passed in 2008 during the presidency of George W. Bush, husband of Laura, who's making a big song and dance about the issue. That's a law passed a decade ago. Nothing was thought wrong right through the reign of the blesséd President O'Bummer. And yet it's now somehow all Donald Trump's fault.
   Weird bunch, these Yanks. Or maybe lots of them are just secret Corbynists.

Annoyed by Snoflakes? Don't worry, they won't be around for long. The experts have found that, unlike their ancestors, Snoflakes can't take the pressures of modern life and they will burn out and croak very quickly.

Political slogan in search of a cause: Break the Violence with Silence!

Incompetent crooks
Prosecutors in central Italy are after 120 property owners, most of whom claimed compensation for being left homeless after the R6.0 earthquake in August 2016. Some of the crooks, who lived elsewhere in Italy or even abroad, claimed as their primary residence a holiday home or somewhere bought to let. Others bunged in alternative accommodation claims for family and relatives, who had their own homes elsewhere.
   The Italian police have seized over €120,000 given to fraudsters and they reckon the bad guys got away with more than half a million euros.
[Which is just chicken-feed on the scale of fraud in the EU, where anything less than a billion euros is considered hardly worth bothering about. Ed.]

Could it be that Lord Hague is about to shift to the Trivial-Democrats following his U-turn from totally opposed to legalizing cannabis toward the Liberals' wish to make it compulsory? Maybe we should just send him to Canada, which is going down that road under its trendy new leader.

How odd
J. Corbyn goes to someone one else's music event and he's hailed as a god! by the luvvie left and the Fuk Jon Snows. But when he stages his own music event, they don't bother to turn up and he loses a packet on the deal. Flighty lot.

We ain't gonna live forever; or anywhere close!
Life expectancy has been going up steadily since the end of the First World War. Advances in medicine and safer working conditions get the credit. That increase has now levelled off, however. It would appear that we have reached the natural human life-span, which is a long way short of the 120 years that some experts were flogging a while ago, and all the shroud-waving about austerity by the Labour lot is just their usual wibble.

Nothing sinister
Three dead bodies on a railway line near Loughborough Junction in south London in the early morning. A Mob hit? A gang hit as London heads for double New York's murder rate?
   None of the above. The aerosol spray cans found with the bodies announced that there are now three less graffiti vandals around.

You bastards!
Manufacturers of lager and fizzy drinks are in trouble thanks to a Europe-wide shortage of carbon dioxide. Producers of chicken and pork products are also affected, as well as companies which package fresh products in an inert atmosphere to prevent the growth of bacteria.
   Global Warming Swindlers are being blamed for the consequences of their attempt to make dim politicians believe that CO₂ is a pollutant rather than an essential natural product. The good news is that a good old pint of bitter, or still cider, are not affected.

Reciprocal wave-making
The EC president, J. Druncker, is making more waves over the border between Ulster and the Irish Republic, Druncker and his mates have been playing the terrorism card shamelessly, and the EU is threatening to cut Britain out of the current co-operations on policing and anti-terrorism.
   Fine! Let's make the problem go away by declaring that Post-Brexit, no Irish goods or citizens will be allowed to enter the UK on national security grounds, and any Irish passport-holders living here be gone before the end of March, 2019.
   Simple solutions are always the best ones.

Bad people will ALWAYS do bad things
What do we gather from the report on the unnecessary deaths at Gosport War Memorial Hospital? 1. that managers of organizations within the NHS are more concerned about their image than patient welfare; shades of how things were at Stafford Hospital when the current Mayor of Manchester was Health Sec.; 2. that the police and the GMC are a bunch of useless buck-passers; and 3. that whistle-blowers in the lower ranks of the NHS are ignored or sacked if their nuisance value is high enough.
   Nothing new, then.

Not much pain for some
The bail-out of the useless Greek government in 2010 was supposed to spread the pain of being in the euro around Europe. Not much pain for the Germans, though. The latest figures from Berlin show that they have made around €3 BILLION profit out of interest from Greek government bonds and other sources after paying €900 million back to the Greeks. Good old racket, this austerity lark.

New from Farrago Books Mr. Wydey's TV Series Episode Guides does Stargate SG-1 The complete TV series; all 10 seasons; plus the 1994 film and the two films made with the TV series cast. Available in a PDF edition from the Farrago Books website.

WEEK 4

 
Take your pick
A) Sharks are being sighted more frequently in British coastal waters as a direct consequence of global warming caused by evil human beans.
B) Sharks are being sighted more often because there are more tourists taking boat trips out to look for interesting sea life, such as cuddly dolphins, and there are more marine biologists looking for ways to cash in on the grants available to anyone who can produce 'proof' to support the global warming swindlers.

Pay to roam
“Selmayr The Monster, the top EU mandarin, wants Britons travelling to the EU to pay £53 for a post-Brexit visa. Fine, Mr. Monster, we'll go along with that. And by the way, it will cost EU citizens £153 for a visa to come here. Unless they're EU burrocraps, in which case the visa will cost £1,053.”

Contrariwise
“Labour is definitely the party of 'against it', no matter what knots it ties itself in. The Labourites used to be against not having a 3rd runway at Heathrow airport when it wasn't happening. They're suddenly violently against the idea now that it looks like happening.”

Don't panic, the knees are jerking
A bloke was arrested for being in possession of a power drill, which had an exploding battery, which went off at Southgate Tube station.
   The police admit they're not going fit him up on a terrorism charge but they felt obliged to harass him a bit. Which makes it difficult to see how they can avoid charging themselves with wasting police time, as it's not against the law to be in possession, unknowingly, of a defective battery.
Maybe we should be told how many people the police fitted up with a terrorism charge for being in possession of an Apple phone with a defective battery, which exploded and caught fire.

Covering up Commons Squeaker Berko's bad behaviour has cost the taxpayer at least £2.4 MILLION in gagging orders with confidentiality clauses.

Pay to play the pillock
“The response to threats from Airbus to pull out of the UK in the event of no deal with the EU should be a robust warning of heavy tariffs on its products if they are entirely non-British. Then see how keen they are to play politics.”

The bods in charge of Exeter University reconfirmed the Truth of the Day, namely that 'Idiots are in charge everywhere', by issuing a grovelling apology to their Snoflakes after sending out an inspirational message by Field Marshall Rommel.

the Ozimandias Effect
'Electrosmog' is now so bad that the Snoflakes have no chance, is the message from the experts, who have been warning about it for years but who have suffered the humiliation of being heard and then ignored.
   The human race has moved from the perils of tobacco smoke and asbestos to the invisible killer of microwave radiation, which causes brain tumours, heart failure, male infertility, autism and damage to DNA and chromosomes. And they are only the things the experts are fairly sure about. Stress, headaches and sleeplessness can probably also be added to the list.

Berko ain't gone yet. But did anyone seriously think such a shifty, lying bleeder would step down when he promised to?

À l'eau, McRon!
President McRon is having a swimming pool built at his official summer seaside retreat (£100K from the taxpayer, Kerching!) so that he and his OAP missus can't be photographed in their swimwear. [Except by drones and spy satellites. Ed.] The Pres. wishes it to be know that the pool will be a bargain, costing only twice the amount charged to the French taxpayer for the 1,200-piece dinner service, which Madame bought for the presidential residence in Paris.
   Let us hope that no rotten Chinese, Russian or North Korean spy frustrates his desire for privacy by hacking the CCTV system.

The Australian government, which isn't lumbered with membership of the EU and the euro, is going to cut taxes over the next decade. Natch, the conservatives are in power, not the Aussie Labourites, who want to raise taxes.

Another brilliant idea
“Tokenism vs virtue signalling; which will win as the phoney war rages [squibs damply? Ed.] over whether women should pundit @ male football matches. Another bit of daft diversity by the Beeb has produced something to talk about if the match is a bit boring.”

There's no answer to that!
The Democraps in the US have been caught on the hop whilst trying to portray President Trump as a sort of Ghengis Khan figure over illegal immigration. They're being asked why, if they allegedly feel so strongly about it, didn't they do anything about separating children from their criminal parents during the eight years when President O'Bummer was in charge? And they're not coming up with anything convincing in reply.
   Time magazine is also in trouble for putting a photo of a crying girl next to a picture of President Trump on its cover. One small problem, they picked a little girl who hadn't been separated from her mother. But hey, what's a little truth and honesty matter when the Great and the Bad are attacking the Great Satan Trump!

Turkey's president, Tayyup Bicep, has Putined his way to another 5 years in office with ballot rigging and intimidation, the experts have concluded. He is now in a position to rule by decree like a Hitler, Mugabe, Stalin or . . . Putin.

There are bad times just around the corner
The Labour party's Treasury shadows are preparing to preside over a meltdown of the economy should the Russians every get J. Corbyn elected president of Britain. They expect foreign investment to disappear with a rush and all the rich people to decamp, and that whoever gets stuck with the job of Chancellor of the Exchequer will have to tell the astonished electorate that Comrade Corbyn was lying and the Magic Money Forest doesn't actually exist.
   Venezuela with knobs on!

Small bomb attack on President of Zimbabwe, no one dead.

This week's nuisance callers who drop the line when you pick up/burglars who are checking if you're in:
   0061392 510 257
   0061298 563 265
   04141 719 317
   0041413 774900

Anyone thinking of catching a train this week is advised to forget it. The timetables don't work, the unions are on strike and the lines are all buckled due to the heat.

Real people win the Battle of Folkestone
28 luvvies tried to get a showing of the film Zulu! banned from a charity event in aid of the Armed Forces. They were told to get stuffed when they tried to play the race card.

Booting out the chaff
Some schools, Ofsted fears, are operating what has been described as a very canny scam to fake it in league tables. The school's duffers are excluded like trouble-makers just before the exams to create a false-positive performance.

Greenpeace seems to have a lot more money than sense. Its vandals managed to waste 1,000 gallons of paint on turning the road yellow around the Victory Monument in Berlin during this week.
   Motorists were left skidding on the wet paint and bike riders had a particularly tough time. And then the paint had to be washed away by city employees, causing further traffic chaos.
   Greenpeace seems to have the same immunity from arrest status as Travellers, which means that no police action is expected and there is absolutely no danger of Greenpeace having to pay for any of the damage and injuries caused.

The skies over Romiley remain unaffected by the major fire to the north of us, which is ravaging Saddleworth Moor, the burial ground chosen by the Moors Murderers, Brady and Hindley.

The Europeon Union (Withdrawal) Bill is now law and we will leave at midnight on 2019/03/29. Hooray!

Terrorist Territory
Prince William had better watch his step in Palestine. The Foreign Office has booked him in at the King David hotel, which was blown up by Jewish terrorists in 1946, killing 92 people.
   But maybe he could lay another wreath there as part of his royal duties.

The EU: a 'no friends' club?
The Swiss People's Party had collected enough signatures on a petition to trigger a referendum on the automatic right of EU citizens to work there. The party thinks that the arrangement is damaging to the country's prosperity in the long run.
   An earlier petition resulted on an end to unchecked immigration from EU countries to protect the rights and incomes of Swiss workers. Looks like this latest petition could upset the Drunckers and other parasites even more.

Justice only for bad guys?
The Ministry of Justice would have us believe that the nation will be better off with fewer people in prison. Which leaves everyone nervous about the next move.
   Will it be to release all convicts and then fake statistics to prove that the country is, indeed, better off?
   Or will it be to make a trip to prison the equivalent of winning the lottery? Which could lead to the scum of the Earth [Well, more of them. Ed.] rushing to Britain to plunder and pillage, knowing that the police, the courts and the government will do nothing.

New from Farrago Books Saracens & Crusaders by Alan L. Marshall Set in the 1980s, this is another example of a Romiley Literary Circle author creating a timeless book which also describes the current era, where crime is out of control, the police are helpless/useless and the public is having to play a greater role in self-protection. Available in a PDF edition from the Farrago Books website.

WEEK 5

 
“Bin Gowings — is that anything like Bin Laden?”

One step forward, two steps back
Wonderful new, high-powered MRI scanners are brilliant for making protons stand to attention and describe their surroundings, allowing doctors to map what is going on inside a patient's body.
   Unfortunately, they are also brilliant at extracting free mercury from mercury/silver amalgam fillings in teeth and giving the customer mercury poisoning.
   Not so much a case of you can't win as further proof that you're not supposed to win.

Bad people keep on doing bad things
Manchester Mayor A. Burnham, a.k.a. the Stafford Hospital Guy, is planning to waste £500 million on cycle lanes, causing lots more traffic chaos and lots more pollution, and putting up the price of everything which is moved by road haulage companies.

Now is the time to day Goodbye
Chancellor Mherkel is getting the blame for Germany's exit from the World Cup at the bottom of their qualifying group.
   She has managed to transformed Germany from a country which took pride in its national character to a gang of wimps, who would have a job to get a draw against England on a good day.
   Conspiracy theorists are saying this is just another part of the Putin Plan to buy a victory for Russia in the home World Cup, which he bought from the notoriously corrupt FIFA. We'll see.

Took their time about it
The 'experts' in Parliament have just realized that there is no such thing as free banking. But why should there be?
   Banks are businesses, which can't shove a hand into the taxpayer's pocket, like MPs. [Except when a politician like Gordon F. Brown encourages them to go bust, as with Lloyds Banking Group, of course. Ed.]
   As businesses, banks have to charge for their services. Free banking is a mirage, like the possibility that an MP would serving his/her/its country without salary or expenses claims out of sheer patriotism.

Any Comrade is Eligible
The Corbynists have done such an excellent job of diluting the nomination process that the next Labour leader after J.C. might not even be an MP.
   The way things are going, Corbyn's successor could be either the leader of the trade union which bungs the Labour party the most cash, or even . . . Vlad the Putin!
Momentum, the Corbyn clan, is hoping to bring some new blood into the party's ranks in Parliament by deselecting OAPs like Harridan Harperson on the grounds that they have had their day 'and a bit more'.

The alleged Dr. Death of Gosport Hospital has announced that, in fact, she is a good person. So everything there is okay.

They don't call him Mr. Liar for nothing
Disgraced former prime monster T. Blair is claiming that he didn't abandon controls on migration as a deliberate political act, which was aimed at annoying the Tories. Next thing you know, he'll be telling us that his invasion of Iraq is also a 'huge myth'.

No doubt Thatcher or Brexit is to blame
The BBC's diversity programme is causing an unexpected crisis for radio producers. There is now a world shortage of moaning women and the Beeb is struggling to keep its radio programmes, particularly Radio Four, stocked with them.
   But, with any luck, the breach could be filled if the BBC can recruit enough moaning men, who are prepared to identify as female.
   If that fails, a policy of 'involuntary identification' may be adopted as this will make it a lot easier for the BBC to cheat when it publishes its diversity statistics.

Anything Goes!
The Civil Partnership Act (2004) [More Tony B. Liar. Ed.] permits only same-sex couples to enter CPs. This has been ruled in the High Court to be discriminatory and a breach of the 'uman bluddy rights of mixed-sex couples.
   Which opens the door to a further legal challenge from those who think that restricting CPs to members of the same species is similarly discriminatory. Could happen. There are more than enough nutters around with enough cash to try it.

On the one hand, America. On the other, California
According to the US Department of Housing and Urban Development, an annual income of $117,400 for a family of four is considered to be just low income in San Francisco, and such a family qualifies for state assistance from the housing choice voucher program to pay rent to a private landlord.

More of the 'me' culture
“L'état, c'est moi,” King Louis 14th announced. In the case of the ousted president of Malaysia, it was more a case of l'état's cash, c'est mine.
   When his properties were raided by an anti-corruption agency, it took 22 officials with money-counting machines three days to get a total for all the cash they found lying around in Mr. Razak's many residences.
   And that's just a small fraction of the BILLIONS!! which he and his buddies made vanish from state funds when the good times were rolling.

One of a kind?
BFN is pleased to reveal that there is at least one police force among the farces 'serving' England and Wales. And the one in question is Durham, under the command of Chief Constable M. Barton.
   His crime figures are not brilliant by any decent standards but they are positively amazing compared to what other police organizations are achieving. What we need is for him to go on a nationwide tour to bang some heads together.

The US Supreme Court has upheld President Trump's ban on the admission of migrants from half a dozen terrorist hotspot nations.

Taking the fight to the enemy
Well, who'da thunk it! Then Home Sec. J. Straw really was lying his head off about rendition, and also when he assured the nation that there is no secret state in league with dark forces.
   But do we care? If the people who were being rendered were terrorists and friends of terrorists and people giving cash and aid to terrorists — not a jot.
   Britain's shame? Bollocks. The terrorists took the gloves off and their targets were then more than justified in doing the same. It's just a pity that pissant Labourites were in charge and the bad guys didn't get more than a small fraction of what they had coming to them.
“Go pick a cause with some merit to it, you boo-hoo buggers. The French — and the Minbari, come to think of it — have a word for what should happen to scumbag bad guys: TERROR. The only difference between them is that the Minbari are able to focus on genuine bad guys (most of the time) while the French, cursed with égalité, apply their Terror indiscriminately to everyone in sight until someone comes along to exterminate the Agents of Terror.

The EU has been forced to launch an Operation Angela to save the German Chancellor from the consequences of her disastrous migration policy. The stooges in Brussels are afraid that their pile of privilege will topple over and collapse without Mrs. Mherkel there to prop it up.

He's a foreigner. He doesn't get it.
The Icelandic TeaShop of Ireland, L. Varadkar, seems to think that Britain will be a junior partner of the EU after Brexit. Maybe someone should explain that we won't be any sort of partner post-Brexit.
   But we will remain a valued customer for goods produced in the EU. Unless we take our business elsewhere, of course. How will the customers of the TeaShop enjoy a boycott of Irish goods?

The buggers are listening . . .
InYerFaceBuk has the technology to spy on people when they're watching adverts on a mobile phone. The newly patented system allows a spy to take control of the phone's microphone and listen in to what the phone's owner, and anyone nearby, is saying. No doubt whatever they trawl will bore the pants off the luckless computer program, which has to scan it for trigger words.

O-Level Criminology & Mathematics
Q1: If you add 3 judges, 2 barristers, 6 solicitors and 1 legal clerk, what do you get?
[Hint: the diversity dickheads will deduct marks from anyone who has the temerity to notice that the judges are all of Asian origin and two are immigration judges.]
   Stumped? See below for the answer.

The EU Inaction or Sod the Migrants, Angie is Okay
The leaders of the EU nations (except Britain, of course) had a junket and party lasting to 3 a.m., then they revealed a brilliant plan to build detention camps for unwanted migrants. Problem solved.
   Except that hosting the camps is on a voluntary basis and not one of the member states is willing to volunteer, especially those which are not points of entry for unwanted migrants.
   How very EU! Especially as the real reason for the daft plan was to make Kanzler Mherkel look good(ish) to save her political ass.

O-Level Criminology & Mathematics Q1 answer: A £12 million legal aid scam.

Below the line mission statement: We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, June MM18.