WEEK 1

 
Scum Rising
On May Day in Paris, no one was dancing round a maypole. It was masks on for a day of rioting, arson 'n' lootin' by members of the commie trade unions and their satellites.
The Minister of the Interior (or Inferior? Clockwork Orange joke. Ed.] declared the violence to be completely unacceptable. Which leaves the rest of us wondering what this waxwork would consider partially, or even marginally, acceptable.

Brief encounter
President Kim's chumming up to his counterpart in South Korea is seen as being just as sincere as McRon's attempt to become Donald Trump's boyfriend. All teeth and tits on the day, then back to normal when the cameras stop rolling.

At the end of April, London was invaded by toxic, Corbynist, hairy oak moth caterpillars, which can cause vomiting and skin rashes. The city's pantomime mayor; a cosmetic son of a Pakistani bus driver; rushed to issue a statement claiming that there was no cause for alarm. Which triggered mass stampedes out of the infected areas.

Here's a good one that one of our contributors found:
The modern world explained: Why is it called a hash tag? Because Twitter is mind-marijuana, which makes its users paranoid and crazy.

President Trump has threatened to close down the federal government machine in September if Congress fails to release funds for his security wall along the US border with Mexico. The construction industry has welcomed his stance but politicians see it as an unwelcome distraction of attention from the ones hoping to be re-elected in November.

Ruddy well gone
Rudd resigns? Okay. Everyone knows that the Home Office is full of idiots but civil servants cannot be blamed for anything that they do. They are untouchable. When they screw up, they are promoted; sideways or upwards; or given a medal and booted into dishonourable retirement on a huge pension.
   Politicians are not untouchable, however. It is their job to carry the can back by resigning to let everyone know when the idiots have screwed up exceptionally badly. Especially if the politician is too busy to looking in other directions to notice what the idiots have been up to.
   That said, everyone knows that the person who gave the idiots a licence to abuse and behave like complete berks in re the Windrush migrants is currently the prime minister. But she's out of that firing line and in another.

Ignorance; not necessarily blissful
If the replacement Home Sec.; the British-born son of a Pakistani bus driver (who also did lots of other stuff); thinks he could have been caught up in the Windrush shambles, that explains why he's at the Home Office. If he doesn't know the difference between Pakistan and the Caribbean, it's a good job he's not at the Foreign Office or even in charge of Education & Training.
   In fact, it would have been better for the country if he had been left to fester at Communities as a nod in the direction of diversity.

Smoke & Mirrors
A count of those giving on-line praise to J. Corbyn has revealed that Labour has 13 times more supporters in Russia than in Britain. But that support is fugitive. If some other party began to attack everything that Western culture stands for, it would suddenly acquire a magical majority in the spurious on-line world.

Nosh News
Romiley can expect yet another new eatery next month with the opening of a branch of Pasta La Vista, Baby, Arnold Schwarzenberger's chain of spaghetti joints. Refurbishing work is close to completion next door to Romiley's branch of Glad To Be Vlad, where the staff are picked for their bad attitude and slavish adoration of President Putin and all his works.
   [Hint: if you want to get into what passes for their good books, admire the Vlad posters and ask for the Salisbury Special. Ed.]

We're being told by the BBC that 60% of people didn't see a hedgehog last year. Really? If they'd said 97%, that would have been more credible.

When in doubt, shoot yourself in the foot
Facebook has decided to start ranking news organization on a trustworthiness scale based on user feedback. Which means we can expect a surge in membership by Russians pretending to be located a lot further west, and some very interesting websites at the top of the heap.
   The honcho's brainstorm is a result of criticism to the effect that his company's platform (i.e. publishing platform) has damaged democracy by the amount of fake news which it has carried without screening and presented as being of the same standard as real news. [Or what passes for it in today's world. Ed.]

Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!
There is nothing some countries won't do to reclaim the international spotlight. Take Israel for instance. Kim and Moon have a love-in in Korea. Next thing you know, the gang boss of Israel is threatening to bomb Iran because he claims they're still making nuclear weapons (to counter the threat of Israel's nukes) but mainly because he's not getting enough attention.
   Cue some tweets from President Trump to put him back in his box? Especially as he has a long history of claiming that Iran is seconds away from creating its own nukes.

Moving the menace
Utility companies have come up with a wonderful new scam. Faced with huge charges for digging up roads, they plan to move pipes and cables to pavements to escape fees for disrupting traffic. Which fails to take into account the ease with which the road tax could be extended to cover pavements, too. And the fact that many pavements are not wide enough for people and workmen.
If they had any sense, the utility companies would demand a pothole discount for roads which they repair after excavating.

Iraq war hero Tony B. Liar, the man who put the 'con' into consequences.

Divide and disgruntle
Wee Burney Sturgeon has turned the Scots into a divided nation with her cosmetic legislation to give alcohol a minimum price. They now consist of those within handy range of England, who can go on a quick booze cruise to a place where it is cheaper, and those too far away to cruise comfortably.
The British nation's chronic drinkers are doing their bit towards mitigating the care of the elderly crisis. Their death rate has gone up by 10% over the last decade.

Flying around France is still beset by problems. The yobbo unions are still calling strikes over a 5.1% pay claim.

People Power
The German response to the prospect of bans on diesel-powered delivery vans in cities has been a rise in the number of cargo bikes on the road.
   Some are 2-wheelers, usually with a cargo tray in an extended space between the rider and the handlebars, and the front wheel, and some are trikes. More bike lanes are promised and it won't be long before Far East-style bicycle taxis start to appear.
   And then some wiseguy politician will decide that the pollution problem has gone away and start slapping taxes on the bikes to make up for lost revenue from motor vehicles.

Some of the Corbynasties have had to be switched from Jew-bashing to Paki-bashing following the switch of Home Secretary. Mr. Javid, the latest incumbent, is now in line for a Labour First Coconut Award as soon as the party can find someone nasty enough to present him with it.

Collective Narcissism Syndrome
The news that lefty luvvies are less vulnerable to fake news than real people is . . . fake news, according to the experts. If it agrees with their prejudices, luvvies will swallow any old tosh as the truth.

Q: What do you get when you ask Apple to give you a £25 replacement battery for a failed old one in an iPhone?
        A: Charged £250.

The local elections attracted little interest from the political parties. A quick survey in Romiley turned up the news that no one questioned had been doorstepped by either a candidate or a representative. As for posters, those surveyed reported seeing a total of none for Labour and the Liberals in the central area of the village, and one for the Tories.

Coming to a phone near you . . .
The latest internet scam in the Romiley area is a recorded voice of a lady with an American accent, who claims to be from the victim's internet service provider (no name, no pack drill) and brings the news that their IP address has been compromised from several countries and the service will be cut off within 24 hours. But the good news is they can get a new one for free by pressing ‘1' to contact a technician (and be scammed).

No Platform for 'murky' censors
Universities have been claiming a right to ban anyone whose views are likely to upset snoflake bigots and racialists. As a result, the Universities Minister, S. Gyimah, has felt obliged to pull the plug on them. Vice-chancellors must allow the free exchange of views which do not violate existing laws, and they can no longer pretend they are helpless in the face of bans imposed by student unions in pursuit of dodgy causes. Or else the pound in their pocket will be trimmed.

Thought for the Month
Hopeless resignation – is that necessarily anything to worry about? Hope implies a desire for change. But if no change is desired, and one is content as well as resigned to one's circumstances, then hope (and its overtones of change) is actually unwelcome.
   A hope-less state can involve serenity through the lack of a fear of disruptive change. But only for those who know how to appreciate what they have and who do not feel inclined to indulge in change for the sake of it or because others expect it of them.

The New Britain
Courts in smaller towns are to go the same way as bank branches; into extinction. Under a new justice-on-the-cheap scheme, rooms will be booked in a town hall or hired in a hotel or pub, whenever a venue for legal business is required.
   What's the next step? Mobile courts like mobile libraries and banks?

More money for less
The EU, which is about to lose one of the handful of states which actually pays money in, is demanding an even bigger budget from the remaining 27 nations. Which will be really tough on the Germans and Dutch.

Higher? Lower?
Big question of the month: How will the number of Windrush scammers compare with the number of Grenfell Tower bogus resident scams?

The UN has sent one of its special envoys to the UK to promote post-Brexit racialism. This latest UN clown is a lawyer and a promoter of the 'uman right of vicious and nasty people not to go to gaol no matter how heinous the offence committed. Criminals adore her.

Flushed indestructible wet wipes are creating wipebanks of Dogger proportions in the Thames. It is feared that they could become a hazard to navigation if not tackled right away.

The government of China is said to be highly embarrassed by the £50 million of 'small change' overseas aid which it receives from the UK. The Department for International Development has no plans to stop sending it, as it has a mountain of cash to shovel into Brown Holes and every little helps.

Not that original after all
There is a guy trying to convince the South African government that towing icebergs there from Antarctica, at a cost of only around £100 million, is a reasonable solution to their drought problem which no one else has thought of yet.
   That's apart from the people who have been suggesting the same scheme for supplying rich but arid Arab nations with iced water for the last 40 or 50 years. And the brewing industry in Chile was actually using small icebergs in the middle of the 19th century! And the Canadians routinely tow icebergs around when they are on a collision course with an offshore oil platform. But hey, let's not let a few facts get in the way, eh?

How to be a dognapper
Note: this is based on an actual case.
a) get a job delivering stuff for Amazon, b) spot who is ordering dog food in bulk, c) find out if the pet is valuable, d) if it is, stroll off with the dog after making a delivery.

The Squeaker of the House of Common Criminals has been warned that all hell will break loose if he fails to keep his word and quit by June 22nd after 9 years spent disgracing the job by throwing 'legendary' tantrums and showing shameless bias to the Labour lot.

There are idiots everywhere, even in the ranks of the management of the RNLI. One of them has cost Whitby the services of most of the crew of its lifeboat with an act of pathetic political correctness and general nastiness.

Oh, Catastrophe! (not)
The BBC is really cross with the Conservatives. Having predicted confidently that the Tories would be wiped out in the local council elections, the Beeb's experts were left grinding their teeth in fury as they wiped egg off their collective faces when the results came in. The Tory vote didn't collapse and Labour had a bleak old time of things.

Pakistan has staked a claim on the hottest April day ever recorded on the planet with a reading of 50.2 deg.C in Nawabshah province on the 30th.

The US Department of Homeland Security has reported a large increase in the number of illegals being intercepted at America's southern border. Clearly, President Trump is making such a great success of reviving his country's fortunes that everyone wants to get in on the act.

Inappropriate Imprecision
What sort of expert talks about 'half a cup of Novichok' as the amount used by Putin's poisoners to attack the Skripals in Salisbury? Clearly, someone fresh from a cookery course.
The official view is that the amount of nerve poison is indeterminate, which means that it could have been anywhere between a tablespoolful and a teaspoonful.

Heading for the Red Planet
NASA's first ever launch from Vandenberg Air Force Base in southern California took place on the first Saturday of the month. The Atlas V launch vehicle, carrying the Mars lander InSight, was fired at 4 a.m. so that if it blew up, there wouldn't be too many people around to watch a flop.
   The mission will take 7 months to reach Mars, and the InSight lander is scheduled to touch down on the surface at around 3 p.m. EST on November 26th. The object of the mission is to detect marsquakes and monitor sub-surface heat flow at the lava plains of Elysium Planitia to obtain data to help space boffins understand how rocky planets form.

Wondering where all the traditionally terrible bank holiday weather has gone? As Britain basks in sunlight, and it's supposed to be hotter than Morocco, they're clearing up in western Canada. Cattle had to put up with standing up to their armpits in floods of freezing cold water in New Brunswick and roof-ripping gales hit Ontario.

Someone needs to tell Tony B. Liar crony Lord Adonis that it's not the Home Secretary who deports people, it's the idiots at the Home Office. And if they abuse the system, that's because they're . . . idiots.

Unwelcome change
Labour looney J. McDonnell is quite right when he says Karl Marx was a force for change. Followers of Marx's looney ideas are really great at changing live people into dead ones. By the million.

Better late than never, but a lawyer has spotted that the luvvie left plan to make newspapers which are not in Labour's pocket pay the cost of a failed libel action brought against them violates 'uman bluddy rights laws and would be rejected by the courts.

Vlad the Putin has taken a break from trying to rig foreign elections to rig the domestic ones in Russia in order to keep himself and his mates with their hands in the till.

WEEK 2

 
Good and bad bus news
France is on strike but the buses are running in Italy. But the bad news is that they are liable to turn into an involuntary barbeque, especially in Rome, where 9 buses have gone up in flames already this year.
   There were 22 bus fires in the Italian capital last year, and the mayor has the Guinness Book of Records on speed-dial on his phone just in case this year breaks the record. An ancient fleet of buses and shoddy maintenance are getting the blame for the fires.
Rome is about the only major city of the world where a bus on fire in a major street is automatically blamed on the transport authority rather than terrorists.

Do as I say, not as I do
After moaning about the Trump plan to prevent illegal migrants entering the United States from Mexico, the Mexican government has been quietly ramping up border controls on its southern border. The bus companies in the area have reported a significant fall in revenue due to the loss of the migrant trade.

Let's have Russian Democracy here!
Vlad the Putin won another 6-year term as Russian president by a mile — by banning his main rival from standing as a candidate in the election. How, we wonder, would Russia's fans in the Labour party react if Mrs. May did the same to J. Corbyn? Shrug their shoulders and say 'fair enough'? They could hardly object without casting aspersions on their hero in the East.

Here's a wonderful scam: A driver sticks a bank card in a reader at a petrol pump and is done for £99. After filling up, the cost of the petrol is deducted from the 99 quid and the driver gets the change — anything up to two days later.

The experts have decided that the Uber driverless car, which killed a pedestrian in Arizona in March, has software which probably concluded that the woman was a plastic bag, which could be clobbered safely (safe for the car, that is). In addition to the defective software, there was also a 'safety driver' in the car, who must have been similarly defective.

The Attorney General of New York, who leapt aboard the MeeToo bandwagon, has been MeeToo'd out of his job.

Sainsbury's is also trialling delivery vehicles consisting of a trike with storage boxes ahead and behind the rider. But these replacements for diesel-powered vans are electric trikes, which means that the delivery persons will not derive the benefits of healthy exercise gained from applying pedal power.

“Anyone thinking of making a donation to the Lifeboats is advised to realize that the cash could be going to pay fancy wages to some management stooge, who thinks a knowledge of corporate speak and an ability to come up with cute slogans is more important that trying to retain the services of RNLI crew members, who are willing to risk life and limb to rescue those in peril on the sea.”

What do you get if you build a house on the slopes of the volcano Kilaueu in Hawaii? Swallowed up by a river of red-hot molten lava, that's what.

Loyalty matters? Really?
The insurance industry has promised a new ethos and approach in the future, and to stop ripping off existing customers with eye-watering rates far exceeding those offered to new customers.
   Their only problem appears to be getting the public that they have stopped being money-grubbing swindlers.

Give us lots of cash and save BILLIONS!
They're not called global warming swindlers for nothing. The Financial Ombudsman Service reckons that upwards of 20,000 people signed up for loans for installing solar panels on the understanding that the panels would pay for themselves via electricity sold to the national grid. But what they got was ripped off to the tune of as much as £1,000.

Beaver dams are good for the environment because they trap soil eroded from intensively managed grassland fields upstream, say the experts. Which helps prevent erosion of the fields how? No word on that yet.

A rise in petrol prices means that motorists are driving less. Which must be doing wonders for air quality by reducing the amount of pollutants going into it.

If you're driving a foreign car, especially a BMW or Volkswagen, don't expect to be told about any potentially lethal faults and don't expect the software to comply with legal requirements. And don't expect the seat belts to work if it's made by VW.

Surveillance society
Everyone who doesn't need a mobile phone had better hurry up and die. One of the country's top judges has decided that carrying a mobile phone, and having it switched on, will be a legal requirement in the 2030s in the interests of knowing where criminals are when crimes are committed.
   It will also help with the judicial ambition to abolish courts in buildings and perform all legal stuff on-line or on the phone.
“It would be really nice if overpaid judges would stick a hand in their own pocket and buy a phone for anyone who doesn't need one. And a charger if they have to be permanently switched on. And a spare battery, And pay for all the electricity used by the charger.”

The House of Lourdes is being threatened with reform/the chop yet again. Customers are advised not to hold their breath.

Snoflakes melting in the heat of exposure
Cambridge U. will allow students to opt out of a public display of exam results to reduce stress levels in duffers. Which means that only students who expect to do well will appear on publicly displayed lists, and everyone not on the lists will be assumed to be a duffer.

The telephone scammers who want to provide a "no nuisance calls for life" service are after a debit card number and £140.

“I had a mailing offering to do a free PPI check to find out I qualify for lots of lovely loot the other day. After watching Eddie-baby Millipede's swivel-eyed performance in the Commons on TV yesterday, I started to wonder if it's possible to take out PVI insurance. So that people like poor-me Ed won't be persecuted by Powerful Vested Interests, as he claims is always happening to him.”

If you live in Germany and your car has turned yellow, don't panic. It's not a manufacturing defect in the paint. It's pollen from spruce trees, which go crazy and produce it by the ton in some spring seasons. Customers are advised to wash it off rather than trying to wipe it off with a dry rag, as this could damage the paint finish. Or just let wind and rain remove it.
If this year is one of the spruce 'mast years', everyone is safe for the next three to seven years.

Revealed! Boris Johnson and Donald Trump are the same person because lots of pictures are available showing them in the same pose. Also, they are both real people rather than mealy mouthed creeps with neither a personal philosophy nor a set of values and beliefs. And both have stickability. But we already knew that.

The party of DOOM!
The Labour party is getting the credit for solving the problem of an ageing population. The last time Labour was in government, Tony B. Liar and his chums set in motion the process of paying doctors to prescribe drugs which are beneficial to some [£15 BILLION since 2002. Ed.] but downright life expectancy-reducing for others who do not really need to take the pills.
   But now, people are seen as walking bags of money by doctors and drug companies. And if they drop dead, there are always new customers available to take their place.

Edstone, man of honor
Does it really matter whether Edstone Milipede stabbed his brother in the front or the back?
   Wherever the lethal blow landed, he still forced the hapless Banana Man David to emigrate to the US and get a £500K job with some charity instead of being stuck with the job of leading the Labour party into yet another electoral defeat.
   How crool is that!

The UK is no longer officially measles-free. The disease is staging a comeback via imports from the EU, mainly from Italy and Romania.

Labour is the welcoming party—official! Britain's communists feel right at home at Labour events because there is now no difference between the two parties, as far as their politics is concerned, with Corbyn's looney lefties in charge. Which saves the communists a fortune in not having to field candidates at elections.

Q: What do you get when you let W.H. Smith open a shop in a hospital?
        A: Charged 8 quid for an 80p tube of toothpaste.

Q: What do you get if you let the Establishment try to make the rail connection between Glasgow and Edinburgh 10 minutes faster?
        A: A bill for £900,000,000.

Lewis Hamilton won the Spanish Grand Prix easily. All of the excitement came in the first lap when there was a huge crash, which wiped out three cars. Thereafter, it was pretty processional and yawnworthy. Vettel blew a finish in 2nd place with an extra pit stop and let Bottas and Verstappen claim the other podium places.

If two-thirds of the population of Britain is supposed to be overweight, how does that square with Labour claims that everyone is living in poverty? And would it have been 101% of the population is overweight if Gordon F. Brown had been allowed to continue to chuck around borrowed cash?

Racialist African descendants of the people who rounded up slaves and flogged them off to the highest bidder coming here to bitch about the slave trade is like drug dealers beefing about the morals of their customers.

Fray Bentos pies in a tin have been around for 60 years and the ancestors of the Millennials have had no bother with getting at them. But the Snoflakes just can't do it, so a redesign of the packaging is needed. Aaaah!

Q: What do you get if you go gorilla-trekking in the Republic of Congo?
        A: Kidnapped by guerillas.

Bananaman Milipede is back from the States to save us from Brexit and deliver a hard Bremoan. Oh, joy!

Wearing a kimono if you're not Japanese is a really good way to set off offence-seeking junkies, the Eurovision Song Thing proved. It is also possible that adding a sombrero to increase the cultural misappropriation will make the junkies explode. Which makes it an experiment well worth trying!

WEEK 3

 
No Mr. Nice Guy
This week marks the 70th anniversary of the Palestinian Holocaust, when they were displaced from their homes by Jews from Europe in one of the usual deals by the usual suspects.

Q: What do you get when the US opens a new embassy for Israel in Jerusalem?
        A: A massacre of Palestinians with scores dead and hundreds wounded.

Information Categorization
The Information Commissioner is concerned about the number of mug shots held by the police in their databank. Everyone who is hauled off to a police station, either under arrest or for some harassment, is snapped and the databank contains lots of pix of people who were not charged or had not actually committed an offence or got away with it by one means or another.
   Perhaps the IC's mind could be set at rest by reclassifying the images as being those of pre-guilty people—on the grounds that the cops can fit up absolutely anyone for something if they try hard enough.

Given the choice of having in your hot, sticky little hand $52 million or a slightly dinged picture of a sailor by P. Picasso (which is currently being repaired), any sensible person would pick the money. Luckily for the art trade, there are lots of people and institutions around with more money than sense.
[One could ask: where would you get another painting like it? But then, why would you want even the original in the first place? The Philistine called Ed.]

Q: What is the main job of the Labour party?
        A: Creating new words which can be deplored as racist, 'gammon' being their latest effort. Maybe they should try harder?

Insidious Information
Mad scientists have discovered a way of transferring the experience of being given an electric shock from shocked to unshocked sea slugs. No time scale for doing the same to humans on offer, but the technology could, one day, help the police to massage their crime figures by converting pre-guilty people into guilty ones with skilfully transplanted memories taken from their snouts.

He's still getting no marks for trying
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He's fooling you
Kim Jong-whoever's tale that he is giving up his nukes is just flim-flam, sez a former deputy North Korean ambassodor to Britain, who defected in 2016. He reckons that the North Koreans will just move everything away from the earthquake-damaged current testing site and frustrate all attempts at inspection, as permitting scrutiny by the UN or whoever will smack of weakness on the part of the Blessed Leader.
The North Koreans are preparing the ground for throwing a wobbly in case Chairman Kim chickens out of the planned meeting with President Trump. America will get the blame, of course, on account of some imaginary crime against the Universe.

What's his game?
What prompted D. Milipede's return to Britain to save the EU from Brexit? Could it be that he was feeling a little out of it at the HQ of International Rescue? Which is miles from anywhere on Tracy Island in the middle of the Pacific ocean. Not many branches of CoffeeCreeps and MacDoodlebugs out there, and the locals are all too intelligent to fall for the boyish charm of a political schmoozer who's heading for sixty.
   Or maybe he's here to start a new political party for those Blairies who are feeling rejected by the commie Corbynites, the odd Tory Bremoaner and the Liberals who crave attention again. A British Union of Malcontents, maybe?
   Vote BUM and get one!
   Who could resist that offer?

Berko, the Squeaker of the House of Common Criminals, has been accused of bullying his staff into helping his allies to spread fake news to the meeja to the effect that Berko is not a bully. Another case of circular deployment of taxpayer's money by a Westminster Wonder.

0/10 for effort and inspiration
A professor has marked the 200th anniversary of the publication of Mary Shelley's novel Frankenstein, or the Modern Prometheus with the startling (to him) revelation that the creature 'probably' was equipped with 'the machinery of manhood'.
   But if the good doctor was trying to create a lifeform out of a collection of spare parts, it is hardly likely that he would have hacked off the todger rather than leave it in place. After all, even a monster needs to have a pee occasionally.

Can't remember = Can't be bothered
The experts have cracked the reason why Grumpy Oldie Syndrome overtakes seniors. It's all to do with the memory. One of the consequences of old age is that seniors tend to forget to pretend to be interested in people they find boring or inconsequential.

Was it a brainstorm?
As a sound-bite, it fails completely. People stuff pockets, safes and bank vaults with gold. Not even the idiots who ran Carillion into the ground, or their obliging accountants, stuffed their mouth with it.
   What makes the sound-bite all the more incredible is that it has been attributed to Frank Field, who is one of the few MPs credited with having all of his marbles.

Where are all the Labour party's migrants going to live when Dotty Diane abolishes all controls on who can come here? Corbyn Concentration Camps in the leafy suburbs of Islington?

Was it another brainstorm?
The Federal High Court in Germany has ruled that beer is unwholesome in compliance with the EU's rules on advertising alcohol. Which means that the Leutkircher brewery can no longer describe its product as bekömmlich. Grounds for a revolution, surely?

Cornwall [no, not ours, a small city to the south-west of Ottawa] is being taken over by stray cats. The feline population is estimated at around 7,000 and the city council is contemplating a by-law, which would require people to keep their cats indoors — unless supervised! — so that the number of strays can be determined and the true extent of the problem determined.
   One idea for reducing the number of strays cosmetically is a ruling that anyone who feeds a stray cat automatically acquires responsibility for it.
   By the way: good luck with supervising your cats, chaps!

Q: What do you get if you speak Spanish to the staff of a New York restaurant?
        A: Some guy threatening to report you to the Immigration Service as an illegal.

Armed and VERY dangerous
The police are intent on closing the gap to the military, weaponswise. Specialist firearms officers are to be issued with rifles fitted with sound suppressors and night-vision equipment to make police snipers silent and deadly at night.
The chief constables' union would like to train officers in rural areas to use firearms in case they run into armed terrorists 'on the rampage' and it would take too long to get an armed response team to the scene.
Their task is complicated by the response from the legal trade to a shooting. If it's a terrorist, that's okay. If it's a criminal, then the copper is liable to end up in the dock at the Old Bailey on a murder charge, surrounded by legal vultures who are watching their cash registers kerchinging on overtime.

What are the career prospects for a survivor of sexual harassment, like Prof. S. Sharoni of New England? Who spent several hours working on her script before throwing a wobbly about a remark made by Prof. R. Ledbow of King's College, London.
   Quite good, apparently, if a carefully timed explosion well after almost hearing an old joke in a crowded lift can be heard on both side of the Atlantic. And it's a good point of entry for moving on to the outrage and bullying industry.

Market research has found that the BBC has failed to overtake Russia Today as Britain's least politically impartial broadcaster. Only ITV and Channel 4 can claim to be politically impartial(ish).

Nurses in NHS hospitals are having to be bribed to accept free flu jabs. Go figure.

Coming next month
The Tottenham Jezzer Festival is expected to feature the Hugo Chavez Singers teamed up with the IRA Big Booze Band. The impromptu appearance of the Hezbollah motorcycle suicide squad is expected to go with a bang.
   A celebration bonfire will feature an effigy of the Prime Minister and it will light the way to a kinder, gentler style of politics, which will become possible when all the Tories have been killed and all of their assets have been stolen.

Plausible conspiracy theory?
The MeeToo movement is a plot by slags to deprive women of their 'erotic capital'. The slags would like to make it illegal for other women to dress up and try to make the best of their looks, figuring that they might have a remote chance of getting a decent job (or a bit of adoration) if everyone else looks like something the cat dragged in.

Are chickpeas really houmungous? Not if they're loaded up with oil, sugar and salt. Indeed, the fact that hummus is being blamed for the national obesity problem in Israel could just be the Arabs' revenge.

"Methinks he doth protest too much." That's the only possible response to Putin the Poisoner's increasingly pathetic cries of 'It wisnae me!' as S. Skripal is discharged from hospital after a murder attempt on the uncovered double agent failed.

The London mayor has attempted to reinforce his credentials as a miserable socialist git by letting Transport for London shut down public transport in large areas of the capital on Cup Final day.

The Thames Valley police farce thinks confetti is a potential security risk, especially in Windsor. Presumably, they see it as a vehicle for one of Putin's poisons.
Putin's latest whinge is that if he had tried to poison the Skripals, both of whom have now been discharged from hospital, they'd be dead. Except for the fact that the assassins bogging the job up so badly points the finger even more firmly at Russia.
The Russian ambassodor is still agitating for access to both Skripals, presumably to do a recce of their secret hiding place so that the poisoners can have another go.
Meanwhile, the CIA is investigating rumours that the Russians are planning to poison Chairman Kim to prevent a thawing of relations between North Korea and the United States. They will then try to dump the blame on Britain. Like they do.

Fake terrorism
Suspicion is growing that the Remoaners are secretly recruiting mercenaries, using a grant from the EU, in order to stage fake IRA attacks if the Remoaners don't get their way over keeping Britain in all of the EU's institutions.

Berko, the Commons Squeaker, will not be quitting after 9 years, as he promised. He has been convinced that he is the perfect embodiment of the shameless, unreliable expenses swindling MP, and therefore completely representative of the inmates of the aptly nicknamed House of Common Criminals & Cover-Up Artistes.

80% short of half-measures
That Donald Trump, what a big-hearted fellow he is. When he makes a threat, he doesn't go all the way. Thus President-for-life Kim is threatened only with total decimation if he doesn't do a nuclear weapons abandonment deal rather than total wipeout.

It's a good story.
Conspiracy theorists the world over will be uniting to condemn the French as rotten spoilsports. A gang of French experts was given access last year to the Hitlerania in the KBG/FSB archives in Russia, and they are certain that they found proof positive that Adolf Hitler died on 1945/04/30 in Berlin.
   So much for all the stuff about fleeing to Argentina in a submarine, or taking refuge at a secret base hidden somewhere in Antarctica or even being shot to the far side of the Moon.
   Or is it? Who knows what the Russians have been up to for the last 70-odd years with what they allege are Hitler's remains.

The good people of Windsor are getting themselves braced for the return of their collection of phoney beggars, who were cleared out of sight for the Royal Weeding.

It turns out that Irn Bru is banned – to avoid unshiftable yellow stains on expensive carpets – by lots and lots of high class businesses, not just by Donald Trump's hotel. But perish the thought that facts should get in the way of any Trump-bashing expedition!

Double feature
The big advantage of not having a ticket for the Cup Final is that you can watch both of them on TV without having to travel hundreds of miles, and the toilets and catering facilities are very handy.
   Celtic played safe by banging a couple past Motherwell in the first half and giving them an impossible mountain to climb.
   Chelski teased the millions (and millions) of Man.U. Haters by scoring just the once in the first half and leaving Grumpy Jose's team tantalizingly close right up to the end of the second half and its 5 bonus minutes. Bunch of sadists!

WEEK 4

 
Attention clouters!
It's okay to start shedding, May be out now.

Who wears a 'bateau' neckline? A sailor's wife? It's a term which looks like it can be stretched to cover a multitude of sins, from a frock with the grace of a tea clipper to something that looks like the back end of a tatty old barge.

Taking responsibility
It's very hard to have much sympathy for the people living near the Kilaueu volcano in Hawaii. If you chose to inhabit a danger zone, you must expect to be erupted upon and it's unreasonable to expect anyone else to rally round when the inevitable happens.

Gordon F. Broon is being described as a towering figure in UK and global politics in the puff for a coming interview by Mrs. Brown at the Southbank Centre in London. Looks like someone has managed to keep secret the abolition of the Trade Descriptions Act.

Chelski's Russian owner is being kept out of the country as part of the sanctions against Putin the Poisoner's buddies. Not being allowed to attend the Cup Final and posture with his winning team must have hurt. But, no doubt, the KGB will be able to mock up some photos to make it look like he was there after all.

Support for independence is down to 30% in Scotland but Wee Burney Sturgeon hasn't been put off wasting even more taxpayers' cash on even more independence plans.
   Her latest Big Idea is a Scottish pound, which will be independent of the UK residue pound, and probably worth about as much as the Venezuelan ruble. But unveiling her latest piece of nonsense did serve the primary purpose of getting Burney's pic in the papers.

China and the US have put their trade war over tariffs on hold for the moment to allow them to concentrate more on sorting out North Korea and Russia.

Non sequitur news
Dolphin died after eating rubber said the headline. The marine biologist who examined the remains said that the piece of old rubber glove in the deceased mammal's stomach was incidental. Which means that it would have been equally accurate to have used the headline:
Dolphin died after Corbyn made Labour leader

The beranting bishop
No one can accuse Prince Harry and his wife Mhegan of not having a sense of humour after they imported a cabaret act for their wedding. Unfortunately, their American comedy vicar got a bit carried away and rattled on for double his allocated time slog. [Typo, should have been 'slot' but we felt that the typo was stet-worthy. Ed.]
   Luckily for the foreign bishop, he was in England, where everyone is terribly polite, and the crowd didn't start stamping their feet and yelling: "Get ON with it!" when he kept drivelling on and on and on.

Just a quitter
K. Livingstone has abandoned his campaign to make the Labour party adopt A. Hitler as one of its Heroes of Socialism. The move is seen as part of the current campaign to pretend that the party's hard lefties are not anti-Semitic.
Mr. Livingstone's standing in the party remains solid with the Corbyn camp, a member of which described him as a towering figure, who popularised progressive socialism.
[Yes, Reader, you're right – it doesn't mean anything. Ed.]

If you're thinking about travelling by train, you might want to reconsider. Timetables everywhere have been redone and buggered up comprehensively.

Inflation in Venezuela, where the nutters have just rigged themselves another election victory, is a mere 14,000%. J. Corbyn would make this look trivial if he ever gets to be PM and follows Venezuela's better way of screwing things up.

The police are being allowed to chase and bust moped-riding criminals, even if they take their helmets off and put themselves at risk of serious injury. The outfits charged with investigating police conduct will also be banned from letting cases drag on for year after year.

Q: Where's the last place you should go if you want to see a maypole?
A: The Forest of Dean. The burrocraps on the council there think that putting up a maypole, something which has been done for centuries without their attention, should require planning permission — if only to give them some paper to push.

Asda's operation in Asia is in big trouble. The new boss is a woman who waved through huge pay rises for the guys who were driving the former construction giant Carillion into the ground.

It's a good story . . .
This week's bombshell from the experts is that some foreigners don't say 'thank you' for a good reason. No, it's not that they are all rude bastards compared to the British. The experts reckon that some of them live in close-knit communities, where co-operation is expected to such an extent that saying 'Ta!' is superfluous.
   The rest are just rude bastards.

Keep death on the roads
Here's another brilliant idea for population control from the boffins: Intelligent Traffic Lights. Future traffic signals will communicate with one another and do a census of nearby vehicles by spotting mobile phones.
   They will then advise drivers to move at a particular speed in order to reach the next in a set of traffic lights when it is green. And whilst the driver is goggling at a mobile phone to do a speed check, there will be population-reducing mayhem caused by collisions and swiping of pedestrians.

Screw you, experts!
“Keeping up with the demands of modern life can be almost impossible at times. Take eating alone: that's supposed to make you unhappy, according to the experts. But when the average person is having a solitary meal in front of the TV, or maybe eating one-handed whilst reading a book, does it even occur to them to be unhappy? I think not!”

BS always baffles Labour brains
A Labour comedian has managed to get himself onto an illegal all-woman candidate list for a job by claiming that he identifies as female on Wednesdays, and part of his personal peculiarity is that he looks, acts and dresses on that day exactly as he would on any other day.
   Apparently, Labour's rules insist that someone has to be treated as what they say they are. Which should be useful to humans who want to crash an all-Vogon candidate list.

As purely driven as slush
Tony B. Liar is claiming that he has had his brain washed and he now knows nothing about his former involvement in the rendition of any Libyan Islamists back to the arms of his former best buddy Muammar Gaddaffy for torture and imprisonment.

The Europeon Central Bank is on the case of the new Italian coalition government before it has even managed to get formed. There are dire threats of what will happen if the latest bunch start spending to fulfil their manifesto pledges and ignore EU budget rules.

There seems to be quite a big disconnect between street artists in Norway and their politicians. A site in Bergen acquired an image of a former justice minister in a crucifiction [accurate, not a typo, Ed.] pose for a brief period. Then the obliterators stepped in.
   The artist returned with a portrait of the current culture minister with her pants at half-mast. Bets are now being laid on who will be next after the obliterators get on the latest job.

Spain is claiming that it has the third most powerful passport in the world. Not only can it stop a speeding locomotive, it can also leap a tall building at a single bound. Switzerland has only the fifth most powerful passport. It can barely manage a school run.

The National Football League has reached an accommodation with those players who wish to kneel during a performance of the American national anthem. They can do it as long as they stay in the locker room. Do it on the pitch and the team will be fined.

The citizens of Paris are about to have their waterways reclaimed after they were turned into rat-infested slums by gangs of unwanted migrants. The move is being forced by the MacRon government over the objections of the city's mayor, a notorious member of the looney left.

First strike really hurts!
President Trump has played the Dirty Rotter card. He issued a letter of rejection calling off next month's planned meeting with Kim, the boss off North Korea, whilst the latter was still hurling his toys out of his pram and building up a good head of steam for his own dramatic cancellation of the talks.
   Bluff expertly called.

Deft Definitions: gin 'n' toxic — The drink to order during Cheers Time @ Vlad's of Romiley.

A fast solution
Analysis of relative sales figures for sodium bicarbonate and dried yeast has shown that soda bread is becoming the product of choice for home bakers.
   Our kitchen guru opines that the speed of turning out soda bread has to be the deciding factor. He reckons that going from 'I think I'll make some bread' to taking the finished loaf out of the oven can be done in about 70 minutes, which is a mere fraction of the time needed to make a decent loaf of yeast bread.
   Although the products are radically different, a quick solution which can be achieved by unskilled labour is thought to be the deciding factor for modern people. And soda bread can be scoffed after 10-15 minutes' cooling time.

Like as if!
“Even if Ferrari has been up to no good with the energy recovery system in its Formula One cars, as is suspected in the run-up to the Monaco GP procession, does anyone seriously think the FIA [Ferarri Is Awesome, Ed.] bosses will do anything? Like chuck them out of this year's competition?”

Apparently, insurance companies are using data mining to swindle customers if the company thinks that they will pay over the odds without protest. Come the revolution, it is unlikely that there will be enuf lamp posts to string up insurance company staff as well as politicians, lawyers and trade union leaders.
   Clearly, a more creative solution is needed.

Segregation by size
The latest word from the experts is that fat people should be put on a different working day — late start, late finish — to take them out of rush hour crushes and make them feel better about themselves.
   This encourages cynics to think that the experts are thinking ahead and hoping that the fat people croak early to reduce pressure on the care of the elderly industry.

A perfect design
Researchers at University College Cork have found that the dandruff on the remains of a 125 million-year-old, four-winged dinosaur is 'almost identical' to that found on modern birds.
   Knowing this makes us feel really enlightened!

Duck 'n' dive
President Trump has followed up his Dirty Rotter card by playing the Definite Maybe card in response to a conciliatory note in North Korea's reaction to his letter of rejection.
   The American president is even hinting that the meeting with Kim, originally planned for June 12th, could go ahead after all. Nothing like keeping the enemy off balance.

The Dutch team of air crash investigators, which is examining the wreckage of a Malaysian Airlines flight carrying 298 people, has confirmed that the Boeing 777 was killed with a Russian missile fired by Russian troops over Ukraine on 2014/07/17.
   Not unexpectedly, the Putinocracy is claiming that this act of mass murder was nothing to do with Vlad & Co. As with every other crime against humanity which they have perpetrated.

Temporary set-back?
The thing about a referendum held in the Irish Republic is that if the result isn't the right one, they have to do it all over again until they do it properly. Which means that the pro-choice victory in the referendum on relaxing abortion laws might just turn out to be something the pro-lifers plan to put right in a few months' time.

The Bru fights back!
Drinkers of Scotland's other fave home-produced product are being advised to watch out when they open a bottle of Irn Bru. A fault in the cap manufacturing process had left some of them liable to fly off at the speed of a champagne cork at risk to the life and limbs of the potential consumer.
Our advice to Bru-scoffers is to be safe and let someone else open the bottle for you. Preferably, not pointed in your direction.

Fair Enough
The venerable motion picture actor Morgan Freeperson has played the Humourless Git card. He hasn't assaulted any female persons, nor has he offered favours for sex. All he has done is make what, to him, seemed like light-hearted remarks. Which means that anyone complaining about them is a humourless git.

The new Italian prime minister designate has given up his attempt to form a government, blaming sabotage by the Italian president, whose name doesn't exactly spring to mind, for frustrating the will of the people.

It's only taxpayers' cash
The Scottish government is handing out grants going up to the hundreds of thousands of pounds (British) to dodgy charities 'to help the fight against climate change'. As this is yet another example of the despicable in bogus pursuit of the unattainable, there is ample justification for putting politicians at the front of the queue for the lamp posts, with lawyers, come the revolution.

It's only taxpayers' cash, take 2
The current Governor of the Bank of England (on sufferance), who would rather be the prime minister of Canada, has guessed that Brexit is costing every family £900/year.
   What he hasn't revealed is that the error limits on his guess could be anything up to plus or minus £5,000. Or even more.
They'll have to retitle the Canadian national anthem Woe Canada if Carney ever manages to inflict himself upon them as their leader.

Harvey Weensteen's lawyer expects him to be exonerated by the end of the legal process. Which leaves the rest of us wondering why they are bothering to harass the poor guy.

But is it worth it?
The general feeling in Scotland is that the country could survive as a nation independent of the rest of the UK. What the SNP is failing to do is produce evidence that the population would be better off, and that the whole thing isn't just for the benefit of politicians like Wee Burney Sturgeon, who want to pretend that they are some sort of world leader.
Cynics are saying that Wee Burney's eagerness for a Scottish pound is an admission that she has realized that the Europeon Union would not let an independent Scotland join and adopt the euro.

Lots of thunder and lightning darn sarf over the weekend. Those with the wisdom to live in the Romiley area were untroubled by this riotous spot of weather.

WEEK 5

 
Getting your own back
£30 million of the £64 million of aid money dished out from the pockets of British taxpayers to the despot of Rwanda is being repatriated to Arsenal FC, which is putting ads for Rwanda's tourism industry on the players' shirts. Dictator Kagame also gets a free hospitality box for himself and his pals at the Emirates stadium.
Mr. Kagame's pals include Tony B. Liar, but no surprise there.

Q: What do you do if people won't pay for tickets for Labour's Jezzerfest music event?
        A: Get a trade union to buy up the unsold tickets and give them away free; with free travel to London strapped on.

Be sneaky about it
Some Russian Putin pals who are being denied a visa for the UK have a back door into Britain. They can buy a property in Israel and, if they're Jewish enough, they can acquire an Israeli passport, which makes them eligible for short trips to the UK without a visa. Anything more than short, or working here, raises the original visa problem.
   But anyone with cash can throw it at some bent brief and get him to start an argument over exactly how many months a 'short' visit can be. And also play the 'uman bluddy rights card, of course.

Traditional crab-fishing areas in the South and East of England are reporting a shortage of crabs after the cold winter we've just had. Another nail in the coffin of the not-so-great global warming swindle.

Gypsies break into and wreck a Thwaites brewers in Blackburn at the start of the bank holiday weekend and what does the Lancashire police farce do about it? Nothing.

May 29th is this year's Tax Freedom Day. From now on, taxpayers can keep their dosh, having satisfied the Treasury's demands. It's the latest in the year on which TFD has fallen since the Adam Smith Institute began charting it. Something else we have to thank New Labour, and especially Gordon F. Broon, for.
The last time taxes were this high was in 1969/70, when Harold Bloody Wilson (also Labour) was prime minister.

All the billions of pounds of taxpayers' money which various governments have thrown at the problem of child obesity have been wasted. Britain's fat kids are just getting fatter and fatter. As are the bank balances of all the experts who are drawing wages for failure.

What does this mean?                  
Maybe it's something like: "Don't ask me to do any typing, I've worn out most of my fingers."

No, you plebs, snot arrogance
'Uman bluddy rights are more important that democracy, Swami Chuckabutty, the serial trough-scoffer, has proclaimed. In other words, the opinions of the people whose pockets are picked to fill up the troughs which she patronises don't count and what we should have is a luvviocracy, in which only what those who self-identify as lefty luvvies think goes, and everyone else should just pay up and shut up.

“Why should the organizers of the cancelled Portsmouth Mutiny Festival have to apologize to the families of the people who took drugs there, killed themselves and cause the event to be brought to a sudden halt? If any apology is due, it's to the people who organized the event and those who took the trouble to go to it and got short-changed.”

The Russians have given up on cute methods of killing people, like using poison. Soldier turned journalist and Putin critic Arkady Babchenko was terminated by being shot dead at his refuge in Ukraine by Putin's stooges.
"Go fuck yourselves, smartarses!"
Such was the response from Mr. Babchenko to British journalists, who started moaning when it was revealed that he had co-operated in a sting operation by the Ukrainians to outflank an attempt by the Russians to have him killed. Two useful idiots in the pay of the Putinocracy were arrested. One has already been charged with plotting terrorism. The other is still under investigation.
   As usual, the Putinocracy is denying everything. But, as usual, not very convincingly.

No, you plebs, snot arrogance Part 2
A Hungarian-born American chose Paris to announce his personal plan for a second EU membership referendum in the UK. [But is the bastard going to pay for it? Ed.] Even though he knows that the EU is a mess, he still wants the UK in it, the sadistic sod.
   His main concern seems to be that Brexit is exposing just how rotten to the core the EU is, and he wants the British to shut up so that the EU's stooges can get on with wallpapering over the cracks.
Message to anyone who thought the Brexiteers got it wrong: Look what the EU is up to in Italy; junking the result of a general election because it produced the wrong result.

Public Service Announcement The Romiley Fruit Growers' Association presents   “Stone Me” Their annual festival of season-free exotics will be held in the Romiley Millennium Hall on the first Saturday in June. Admission free!

The mob mind is closed and never in error
Harvey Weensteen has been tried and convicted by the moberazzi, and anyone who fails to accept as true, every word uttered by his accusers is liable to be lynched. Proving that there is little to chose between the intolerance of Islamists and that of moberazzi.

Apparently, feminism is 20th century and embarrassing to Millennial snoflakes. That's why they're so keen to be associated with the ‡MeeTooSlag movement, which has no connection with feminism.

Public Service Announcement He's been called the Blogger of the Decade His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

Below the line mission statement: We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, May MM18.