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Oh, oh, oh, what have we done
Oh, oh, oh, come back Dave
and save us!


A bit more spectacle
Bernie Ecclestone, the F1 supremo, has an idea for stopping drivers exceeding the track limits in defiance of the rules: 16" high walls where the stripy bits end and the solid red or green starts. He thinks a mini version of the walls of street circuits, like Monaco, will concentrate a few minds, and give the public a few more spectator-entertaining crashes of those who fail to concentrate.
updateBernie's walls will have to be removeable at circuits also used for MotoGP as guys on motorbikes need plenty of stopping room if they come off and any walls they encounter needed to be heavily padded.


If only
They've had the by-election and Dave the Leader has been replaced by a shiny new Tory MP and the former leader is off into the sunset to write his memoirs (or have them written for him), and then see if anyone will give him a job involving lots of dosh for not very much from him.
   Just think, if they had democracy in Russia, the same could happen to Vlad the Putin. Which probably explains why they don't have democracy in Russia.

Look who's talking
Sir P. Green, the bad guy in the British Home Stores shambles, should be stripped of his knighthood says . . . a gang of rogues, thieves, expenses swindlers, hypocrites and liars in the House of Common Criminals. Is anyone who matters likely to be impressed by their opinions?

Small Deal
We're expected to be dismayed by the news that Dave the Leader's decision to make no tax rises until 2020 a legally enforceable policy was done on the spur of the moment because he had nothing else to offer to the eager news meeja.
   But we already knew that Dave was like Tony B. Liar; all flash and no substance. So further proof of his general vacuity isn't really needed.

space news

Over and out for Rosetta

The European Space Agency chose to end the 12-year, £1.1 billion mission to Comet 67P/Churyuov-Gerasimenko with a splat on the last day of last month. The space probe caught up with the comet after a 10 year chase and deposited a robot lander called Philae on its surface in November 2014. Unfortunately, the vehicle landed in a trench and it went into safe mode when its batteries were exhausted. Ever since, the main vehicle has orbited in the debris field around the comet. ESA decided to end its mission with some close-up pictures of the surface as an alternative to just switching the vehicle off.

ESA does a Beagle 2
Beagle 2 was the brain child of the late Professor Colin Pillinger of the Open University. It took a ride to Mars with the successful Mars Express mission in 2003 and all contact was lost during the descent. It was finally spotted in January 2015, when images from the HiRISE camera on the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter appeared to show that half of the solar panels had failed to deploy and they had blocked the communications antenna.
   The European Space Agency sent a probe called Schiaparaelli to Mars along with the ExoMars Trace Gas Orbiter with the object of testing the ESA landing system. Contact was lost with the probe yesterday during the descent to the surface, which means that ESA does not have something as effective as NASA's bouncing ball technique for the vital last bit.


Same old story
The European Court of Auditors had declined to sign off on the EU's accounts for the 22nd year in succession. More billions from Britain and Germany have vanished into the pockets of crooks running non-existent schemes and the EC's staff remain incapable of spotting projects which are ineligible for handouts, presumably because knowing and applying the rules would be too much like hard work.

Exit bonus?
The Prime Minister says there will be give and take during the Brexit negotions (that's a technical term for going through the motions of negotiating). As we're leaving, it would be nice if the usual course of events were reversed, namely that the EU does all the giving and we do all the taking just for once.

Not just Bremain tunnel vision
There's a lot of Bremain rage going around at the moment. The Bremainers feel let down by their fellow citizens, who failed to appreciate their point of view. They refuse to accept that they are in a political minority and they should accept that the political majority has a right to be heard. Which is a very leftie-luvvie point of view.
   Like leftie-luvvies, the Bremainers are convinced that they are right and everyone else is wrong, and the Brexiters must be made to admit their error to relieve the luvvie-Bremainers' impure rage and frustration; or else.
   Exactly the same thing is going on north of the border, where those who failed to vote for Scottish independence in their "once in a generation" referendum are giving the SNP the hump to the same extent.

Don't mess with us!
Belgian carpet manufacturers are doing a bit of sabre-rattling in response to the generally hissy reaction of the EU's management to Brexit. If EU bitchery results in a tariff barrier, which damages sales of their goods to the carpet-makers' biggest market, there will be trouble, an industry spokesman assured our local news outlet.
   The Belgian fishing industry is also worried about loss of access to British waters, not to mention the manufacturers of the posh German cars so beloved of the highly paid in Britain.

U-turn if you want to
The boss of the World Trade Organization has done a Brexit flip-flop. Having leapt aboard Dave the Leader's Project Fear doom ‘n' disaster bandwagon, he is now trying to grease up to Mrs. May. Now, he is telling the world that Brexit will not harm Britain and a vindictive attitude on the part of the EU will harm global trade.


Second coming in the offing
With Labour unelectable with clunker Corbyn in charge, Tony B. Liar is on the verge of saving the nation by launching his own political party. The high priest of spin, lies and self-enrichment is worried by the prospect of Britain becoming a one-party state, which is not being run for the benefit of the rich and sleazy.

Kachunka-woo Kachunka-woo
Baldness could become a thing of the past thanks to . . . 3D printing! A French cosmetics firm is exploring the possibility of bioprinting hair follicles on/into a shiny scalp. The process will avoid the unfortunate side-effects of current hair regain medications.
black blob The initial cost of the process might even make HP inkjet printer ink look reasonable in comparison.

Would it have made a scrap of difference?
We are being invited to believe that Mary Whitehouse was right and that if everyone had listened to her in the 1970s and 80s, then the country would be a much better place with no pornography and women placed on pedestals to be respected and worshipped rather than to make it easier to look up the lady's skirt. No Kardashians and no filth on Channel 4.
   Fine. If we can ignore the influence of the rest of the world around Britain, which didn't have the benefit of the Whitehouse crusade, and pretend the internet never happened. And that every other nation is fine and upstanding, and it was the British who encouraged them to embrace filth and degradation lustfully and enthusiastically.

Home News
UK Flag

Cheer up, you Bremainers!
Yes, the world does look like a terribly bleak place and the catastrophes which you wanted to happen didn't. But hey, Labour might win the next general election and the FTSE 100, which is distressing you so much at 7,000, will be sure to crash to 5,000, or even 4,000, and make you feel a whole lot happier.

Shorter but better
According to the Europeon Union's propaganda and popular enlightenment department, the Scots might have a much lower life expectancy than the English but they have a better quality of life. That's despite their country having the worst rate of personal safety in the UK and the fact that they are worst off in areas such as nutrition and personal medical care.

Not harmless? Falls Over In Amazement!
A Royal Marines reservist is under arrest for stealing vast amounts of guns ‘n' grenades ‘n' explosives over a period of 4 years due to negligent security. A mouthpiece for the National Crime Agency claimed that "the weapons we seized are extremely dangerous". Which means what? That the general public might have thought that Marines are issued with harmless weapons if he hadn't put them on the right track?

Maybe not that spiritual
A lot is being made of a Bronze Age-style barrow, which has been built in Cambridgeshire with niches to house cremated remains in a neat urn. It is being lauded as a revival of lost mysticism in an age of atheism and repellent rampant religion.
   But let us not forget that it is also a business and there is a 2-grand parking fee for storing an urn for 99 years. Which raises the interesting question of what happens when the time is up? A burial in a Bronze Age barrow was for the rest of eternity. But when the 99 years are up, is it into the black landfill bin to make a parking niche available to another lucky customer if there are no relatives available to cough up another parking fee @ whatever inflation has done to the current price after a century?


Well, who'da thunk it?
Surprise! Brain-training doesn't. Falls over in amazement but the latest research has found that brain-training games just teach people how to do well in brain-training games and there is little or no evidence that they have any real-world benefits.

Termination terror
58% of British people are afraid of a takeover by robots, according to another of these pointless surveys. A recent survey by BFN found that 81% of respondents try to give an obviously silly reply to such surveys whilst maintaining a straight face.

Die, grabbers, die!
Baby Boomers (who were born between 1947 and 1964) are planning to spend all their money and not leave it to their kids, according to . . . you guessed it . . . another of these pointless surveys.


All mouth & trousers
President Hollande of France, who presides over a basket-case economy, has accused Britain of not taking migrants. He clearly has not noticed that some 400,000 French economic migrants have crossed the Channel to Britain to get away from him.

Not my problem, mate
The Gov. of the Bank of England, M. Carney, has admitted that he got it wrong with his excessive printing of money and decision to embrace Project Fear, but the consequences are not his problem. In his opinion, it's up to the government to handle "distributional consequences" – i.e. clean up his messes.

Where is he when we need him?
With the pound being battered on the foreign exchange markets, either by robots or by traders with clumsy thumbs, where is our Harold Wilson figure to assure us that the state of our currency “does not mean, of course, that the pound here in Britain, in your pocket or purse, or in your bank, has been devalued”.

The revenge of the Bremoaners
Unilever, a strong supporter of Bremain, appears to be trying to impose an across the board price rise of 10% using the fall in the value of the pound as an excuse. Tesco has responded by pointing out that a lot of the products are made here, and independent of the £, and removing a lot of Unilever products from its delivery service. Not stocking selected Unilever products is also going on as the giants fight it out behind the scenes.
updateUnilever has done another deal with Tesco, which is secret. The fact that some of the headline products, notably Marmite, are made with 100% British goods which are not subject to fluctuations in the pound's value has pulled the rug out from under Unilever, which is now experiencing boycotting over its product margin of 15%, which was exposed during the row.
   Some consumers are finding it difficult to boycott Unilever, however, because they never use its overpriced products and there are better alternatives on offer.
   An industry spokesman told BFN: "There was an unfortunate degree of arrogance in the use of such a blunt instrument as an across-the-board price rise. We expect a much sneakier approach to future price rises by Unilever. The public must remain vigilant to avoid being swindled."


What do "experts" know, anyway?
In 2007, an "expert" at Cambridge U. forecast that the Arctic would be ice-free by 2013. Didn't happen.
   In July 2008, the Independent predicted that all the ice would be gone by September of that year. Didn't happen.
   In 2012, the "expert" predicted that the ice would be gone by this year. What we got was the earliest start to the refreeze for 19 years and the fastest rate of refreezing since the Danish Meteorological Institute began collecting daily records in 1987.

Another bullet dodged
Eight years ago, theGrauniad gave us 100 months to save the planet from soaring temperatures due to the Not-So-Great Global Warming Swindle (it's getting colder, it's October), melting ice caps (they're refreezing again after the usual summer melt), dangerously rising sea levels (nope), more hurricanes & more severe ones (nope), and more & more severe tornadoes (not in the United States, where the rate is at a record low).
   In fact, all that the rise in the atmospheric carbon dioxide level has done over the last 8 years is to increase crop yields everywhere. Is it possible to be more than 100% wrong? Looks like theGroaner has managed it!

Want Cash? Create A Crisis
The Earth is facing a mass extinction, sez the WWF. No, not the World Wrestling Federation, the other one. Do we need to be worried? Not really. Mass extinctions have happened in the past during the planet's 4.5 billion year history and, no doubt, there will be more before the Sun turns into a red giant and swallows the Earth in about 5 billion years' time.
   Whenever there have been big changes in the climate, the Earth has continued to turn and life has continued in different ways. So why is the WWF trying to scare us? Because it wants more money off us for things like its part in the not-so-great Global Warming Swindle. There's always a simple explanation if you take the trouble to look for it.

Crime News

Unreality TV
Putting cameras on coppers has resulted in a huge fall in complaints about police conduct. There are two reasons for this: No. 1 – coppers control when the cameras are switched on and they can switch them off when they want to be rude to a member of the public. No. 2 – coppers know when their camera is on and when they have to behave like a normal, decent person and stop being rude to the customers.

Criminal rights are paramount?
The European Court of 'Uman Rights ruled back in 1998 that police forces everywhere must inform criminals that their life could be in danger if the coppers discover that rivals are plotting against the criminal in question, and threatening to infringe the scumbag's 'uman right to life. Amazingly, this anti-social ruling has been allowed to go unchallenged for nearly 20 years.

New, but not as we know it, Jim.
The Russians would have us believe that Boris Johnson urging peace protesters to march on the Russian embassy over their bombing of civilians and other war crimes in Syria is a new form of diplomacy. That's "new" as in we expected to forget all the decades of demos led by Russia's paid stooges?

black square Jim Vaz has appointed himself to the Commons Justice select committee, presumably as an expert on rent boys and cocaine.

More smoke-screening
A Democrap senator tells the FBI it may have broken the law by doing its job of investigating Hillarious Clinton's emails close to the presidential election. That's a cudda, mighta from an unreliable witness, who's one of Hillarious' apologists. Which suggests the Democraps are hoping to get their dodgy candidate into the White House and hoping she survives the inevitable impeachment proceedings if their campaign of intimidation fails.
   The Head Fed who released the news of the further investigation is being accused of being long on innuendo and short on facts. By politicians. Pot. Kettle. Black.

world news

Take that, you cads!
Boris Johnson has announced that he is prepared to bust a gut to get his partial ancestral home, Turkey, into the EU. The plan is widely seen as an act of defiance against the moaning minnie Eurocraps, who are threatening to do Britain over as we head for a clean-break Brexit from the EU.

Clasp your ankles and kiss your ass goodbye!
Samsung has become more ambitious in its efforts to curb the human population explosion. As a follow-up to its range of inflammable mobile phones, it has branched out with a range of exploding washing machines.
updateTo be added to the list of explosive population-control devices: cheap/imported e-ciggies.

Not fair; we're outa here!
The government of the Maldive Islands, some 1,087 specks of coral in the Indian Ocean, has Mexited from the Commonwealth in a cloud of huff as a protest over the organization's unreasonable requests. The Maldivians thought it unjust and unfair that they should be required to refrain from locking up political opponents and allow freedom of speech and an independent judiciary.

Empty posturing
After 10 years in power, the Scottish Nationalists have proved themselves to be as useless as any other governing party. But they still haven't run out of interesting ways to waste English taxpayers' cash. Wee Burney Sturgeon, their First Meenister, would like to open a Scottish embassy in Berlin. Apparently, no one has told her that diplomatic stuff is the business of the UK government, not regional assemblies.

It will soon be all over. Hooray!
Trump: The American way of life, work should make you better off than welfare, individualism and personal initiative matters.
Clinton: Being a client of the state and choosing to be on welfare instead of working is okay. And competition is evil.

Untidy society
The flattening of the migrant camp @ Calais is making a lot of news, but it would appear to be an entirely self-inflicted wound on the French nation. This might seem rather Captain Obvious, but do they not have vagrancy laws and workhouses, in which to stash mendicants?

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Go with the master
US Presidential hopeful D. Trump has turned to Britain's UKIP hero N. Farage for advice on how to do a better job in his next TV reality show with the appalling H. Clinton. Mr. Farage is so good at TV debates that sometime prime minister D. Cameron was afraid to face him and he wiped the floor with sometime Trivial Democrap leader N. Clegg.

You have been warned!!
A Putin kite-flyer, V. Zhirinovsky, is ordering Americans to vote for Trump because Clinton will start World War 3, for which America will get the blame. He declared that: "A victory for Trump would be a gift to humanity. But if Clinton wins, she will be the last US president ever."

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Far Queue List

Far Queue symbol C. Oliver, Dave the Leader's spin doctor, who is now trying to claim that he believed at the time of its creation that Project Fear would be a disaster, but he kept his trap shut. Why he did so is not on offer.

Far Queue symbol The BBC, which is sacking performers for being white and male on spurious diversity grounds.

Far Queue symbol The management of the Royal Mail, which seems to be facilitating mail fraud aimed at the elderly, according to the Daily Mail.

Far Queue symbol Swami Chuckabutty might have a right to send her kids to a private school but that doesn't give her a right to pretend that she isn't as hypocritical as a bog-standard Harperson.

Far Queue symbol Edstone Miliband and Calamity Clegg, who have appointed themselves leaders of the Bremoan campaign to ensure that it sinks without a trace like their respective party leaderships.

Far Queue symbol Wee Burney Sturgeon, who is pretending that publishing a draft bill for a second Scottish independence referendum "for discussion" will make the Scots think she can give them a referendum which she has no authority to deliver.

Far Queue symbol The BBC, for its Bremoan-biased "news" coverage.

Far Queue symbol Tossers in clown suits, who need to be clobbered at every opportunity and subjected to an automatic "justifiable homicide" ruling.

Far Queue symbol the narcissistic G. Lineker, who sees nothing wrong with adult economic migrants pretending to be children to swindle the British taxpayer.

Far Queue symbol A world record fine for Vodaphone for swindling the customers with fees for top-ups which were never made and truly dreadful customer service when the customers tried to get their money back. A mere £4.6 million, though, which won't be noticed. Vodaphone is also notorious for knocking out wildly inflated bills.

Far Queue symbol A ton of rancid cess on the head of Paxperson for his faux compassion and posturing.

Far Queue symbol Just because K. Loach is a luvvie, we're expected to accept his film I, Daniel Blake as real life. As real as Star Wars, maybe.

Far Queue symbol “Far queue, far queue very much!” – Frank Zappa.

The Far Queue: the traditional parking place for everything "not wanted on voyage".

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