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 2016/September 
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Well, that didn't hurt did it, Dave?
Thanks for all the help from Project Fear!

 HEALTH NEWS 

 
Something doesn't add up
We keep being told that pensions are becoming unaffordable and the NHS is being swamped because people are living longer inconveniently. And yet two-thirds of Britain's adult population are fat or obese and 80% have a prematurely aged heart, according to this month's latest medical shock-horror. Which means that they are likely to die early of heart failure, a stroke or some other complaint of old age.
   If Britons are so unhealthy, how are they managing to survive to pension age and beyond?

Another solution for the pensions crisis?
Samsung has become more ambitious. As a follow-up to its range of inflammable mobile phones, it has branched out with a range of exploding washing machines.

space news
 SPACE NEWS 

Don't bother to duck, it will be too late!

An 8.5 ton artificial meteorite, the Chinese space laboratory Tiangong-1, is about to hit Earth sometime in 2017 . . . somewhere. The Chinese version of NASA has no idea where it will crash as the defunct module is spinning out of control following a systems malfunction.
   This cock-up is down to representatives of the same Chinese regime which is being allowed to be involved in building a nuclear power station at Hinckley Point. [If they can steal enough technology from the Yanks, allegedly. Ed.]

Romiley News
ROMILEY NEWS
 

Good or bad news?

Should the residents of Bredbury, Cheadle Heath, Hazel Grove and Reddish be pleased to learn that from the end of the month, Greater Manchester Police will be staffing their local cop shops all day and all night on every day of the week? Or should they be put into fear and trembling, knowing that they live where the trouble is most likely to start?

 DOSH NEWS 

 
Ignorance is no excuse
Take note everyone writing or spouting (like M. Carney, the overblown Gov. of the Bonk of England) about the new plastic fivers: "polymer" is not "a type of thin, flexible plastic" any more than "wood" can be defined as "a material derived from trees and used to make walking sticks".

2016 plastic fiver

"Polymer" is a generic name for materials consisting of chains comprising lots of (poly) units (mers) of a chemical compound, e.g. polyethylene (polythene), polyethyleneterephthalate (PET or Terylene™) and organic materials such as proteins and DNA.

What comes next?
The Labour party's shadow to the chancellor, J. McDonnell, a self-proclaimed Marxist, is busting a gut to bring down capitalism. But if no one has any capital, what then? Universal poverty? Well, yes, we'd all vote for that.

Be very afraid! Pointlessly
The Office for National Statistics, the Bonk of England and even the OECD and the Bremain-supporting foreign big banks have realized that the Cameron/Osborne Project Fear scare campaign before the EU referendum was just that intended to scare but built on lies and devoid of substance. Britain is still doing okay after the Brexit vote.
   So what about a public apology, Dave n' George? Not to mention Lagarde of the IMF, Carney of the BoE, all the "eminent economists" who predicted utter disaster and all the other stooges who got it so wrong.

 DEPARTURES 

 
Cameron quits parliament to make more millions
Dave the ex-Leader"Brits don't quit" was his cute political slogan. So does that mean Dave the ex-Leader is not a proper Brit? He certainly wasn't a proper Tory, having few, if any, political values and he saw himself as the heir to Blair, as evidenced by his penchant for flash without substance.
   Just as Tony B. Liar wormed his way into Downing Street by not being the Tories, (although Mr. Liar did embrace Tory values when it suited him), so Dave the Leader snuck into power by not being Labour.
   Now exposed as a busted flush, like his mentor, and relieved of the obligation to hug huskies or hoodies, or stick a cosmetic windmill on the gable end of his posh residence, he is quitting to cash in and put himself about where the real money is to be made. And if nobody wants him, then it's a good bet that the fragrant SamCam will deliver the goods, cashwise, in the posh frocks trade.
updateCrumbs! The Commons foreign affairs committee is blaming Daesh/ISIS on Dave the ex-Leader! The rise of the terrorists in North Africa and the Middle East is a direct consequence of Dave's Libyan adventure, which was as soundly planned as the Bush/Bliar invasion of Iraq in 2003 in the committee's opinion.

Allardyce quits to spend more time with his millions
S. Allardyce, after 67 days as manager of the England football team, has been done over by the Daily Telegraph. He fell for a "fake sheikh" routine and he let himself be suckered into what looked like a 400-grand dodgy deal in the Far East. So he was hauled up before the FA, told his resignation was required and shown out the back door with a cheque for a million quid.

Metropolitan police farce boss realizes nobody loves him
Hulk Hogan Hyphen Howe had jumped off the cliff before he was pushed over it. He had announced his departure just before a damaging report on his handling of Operation Midland; the ill-starred VIP child-abuse investigation; will be made public. He left to hunker in his bunker until February of next year and avoid questions about how he blew £2 million on the fiasco. The Home Sec., A. Rudd, is now faced with the task of finding a replacement who won't be another turkey. Not an easy task, given the general PC-bound mental state of Britain's top coppers.

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Help Wanted

BFN would like to recruit a Grievance Development Officer at a fat salary. The successful applicant will be able to generate ire over the slightest upset, and to be outraged by everyone, ethnic and other minorities included, and everything.
BFN is creating this post as our contribution to diversity. All applications to the usual address before the end of this month.

 WAR NEWS 

 
Not exactly a Wall of Death
The government is going to waste £12 million on building a mile-long Trump wall at Calais. The wall will be only 13 feet high, which is readily accessible to even a modest ladder, and the drop on the other side from arm's length is nothing much. Government is all about posturing and cosmetic solutions? Always has been, always will be.

Littlejohn of the Mail gets it exactly right
"England is perhaps the only great country whose intellectuals are ashamed of their own nationality. In Left-wing circles it is always felt that there is something disgraceful in being an Englishman and that it is a duty to snigger at every English institution, from horse racing to suet puddings.
   "It is a strange fact, but it is unquestionably true that almost any English intellectual would feel more ashamed of standing to attention during God Save the King [which has to be a Corbyn Nostradamus moment] than of stealing from a poor box."
  —  Eric Blair (a.k.a. George Orwell) in 1941 during the Blitz as quoted by Mr. Littlejohn
   Fast-forward 75 years and we're still getting the same tired refrain from the Bremoaners. Esta totalmente bezoomy, to quote our Spanish correspondent in Russia.

Emerging from the woodwork
The Labour poseurs, who resigned en masse in protest against the Corbyn leadership, are gearing up to swallow their principles (if they have any) to allow themselves to bury their noses in the trough again via shadow cabinet jobs. The poor dears are feeling the pinch and missing the perks.

Tell us something we don't know
"Very often it is said that bank robbers and poachers are among the very best to serve our police farces," sez Juncker the Cluncker. Which is as clear an admission that you could want that the Europeon Union and its institutions are run by superannuated crooks, fraudsters and accomplices of the above.
   But then, the EU is the institution that let its anti-corruption commissioner, a certain N. Pillock, sack the only woman in a position of authority, who was trying to put a crimp in the activities of those engaged in fraud and corruption.

Artificial Boobs 'n' Boots
The British army has come up with an interesting way to put some cosmetic female soldiers into units which could go into combat; giving men a sex change. Which fits in very well with the main rule of warfare: when it doubt, cheat!

New Horizons
Tony B. Liar sez his money-grubbing days are over and he's giving up his secret empire of cash-hiding companies. From now on, he's going to work for free for 80% of his time. So if anyone has an illegal war they need to get started, they know where to go.
black blob Mr. Liar is still getting £115,000/year from the taxpayer as a Public Duty Costs Allowance, even though he has no public duties of any benefit to Britain.
black blob There could well be a good reason why Tony B. Liar is spinning an 80% cut in his money-grubbing: he's now a busted flush. The world's despots and tyrants won't us him as an image consultant because his terrible reputation as the worst person in the world shows that he's crap at it. Worse, he has a reputation for failing to deliver on deals and promises of access to people wielding the levers of power.

Home News
 HOME NEWS 
UK Flag

Dodgy is as dodgy does
K. Vaz, the slippery and overblown MP who chairs the Commons home affairs committee, which pokes its nose into crime, migration and sexual exploitation, has been exposed in the Sunday Mirror as a customer of Eastern Europeon rent boys. But he was probably posing as Jim, a popper-popping washing machine salesman, only for research purposes. Everything is the fault of Her Majesty's Press, according to Jim Vaz, which makes everything okay.
black square Vaz-ectomy? Not complete enough. He's still a privy councillor and a committee member and an MP, so we've had the usual botched job and sleazing over by the Westminster Wonders.

If you can find a better hole, on your bike
Young people upset by the Brexit vote are said to be talking about leaving the country. To go where? (And will they be welcomed?) And to get what that they can't get here? (BTW: Bye-eee!)

You are what you eat
Surveys have found that Bremainers are major consumers of smoothies. Extensive research has shown that nothing good comes from adults living on a diet of baby food.

black square Is a Corbin somewhere to dump political deadlegs?

black square + + + Corbyn re-elected Labour leader with enlarged majority + + + Dissenters to be Erdogan'd if they don't run for their lives + + +

Not wanted on voyage
Opponents of grammar schools are claiming that allowing new ones to be opened will "split the Tories". But that will have the benefit of exposing to public view the antis, who are not true Conservatives and candidates for rejection.

On behalf of Racialism needs addressing
hollyThe Great British Xmas is under threat, a government survey has shown. Anti-British lefty councils are trying to suppress traditional British values in their eagerness to ingratiate themselves with migrants. The only cure would appear to be to appoint a corps of inspectors tasked with supporting the British way of life, people who will slap recalcitrant council officials and members around the head until they acquire a modicule [that's a cross between a molecule and a modicum, Ed.] of common sense, decency and an appreciation of British values.
   It that doesn't work, sackings for misconduct in a public office are inevitable. The alternative is letting things happen like the police ignoring child abuse by ethnic minorities on spurious political correctness grounds.

Nasty Nutters On Purpose
J. McDonnell, who is being overpaid as Labour's shadow chancellor, is having a laugh. Knowing that he will never be required to put it into effect, he trotted out the daftest menu of looney left spending imaginable for the Labour party conference. And the wonder of it all is that people actually bothered to take him a bit seriously instead of giving him a polite smile for a feeble joke.
   Of course, there's also an element of political strategy involved in that the nastier and crazier his acolytes are, the nicer and saner, and less like a garden gnome, the leader, J. Corbyn, seems in contrast. Funny old business, politics.

 TRAVEL NEWS 

 
Never let politics get in the way of loot
The Labour party has done a deal with Virgin Trains to get a discount for comrades travelling to the party conference in Liverpool. (If it goes off, seeing labour has upset its security provider.) So lots more opportunities for pointless political sit-downs will become available for inclusion on anti-social meeja websites.

Bye-eee!
The man in charge of the H2S shambles, S. Kirby, has quit his £750K job one jump ahead of a major review. His departure is viewed as "getting out before the mess he presided over is realized".
black blob Kirby has been "poached" by Rolls-Royce. Sounds like good news for their competitors if he thinks H2S is an example of his ability to deliver a project on time and to budget.

Using a mobile phone at the wheel is okay, apparently
The nation's police farces are not bothered about drivers messing about with mobiles, as shown by a drop in the number of convictions of 50% since 2010. The number of penalty notices issued is down by 75%. The courts are equally unbothered by illegal use of mobiles. A typical penalty is 3 points on the licence and a fine of £100 with the option of taking an expensive Mickey Mouse course as an alternative.

Four legs equal
A photograph taken in Cambridgeshire by one of Gooble's fleet of spy cars included an image of a cow munching grass. In the interests of giving the animal the same privacy considerations as those afforded to human beans, some headbanger @ Gooble blurred out the face of the cow in the image posted online.

 CLIMATE NEWS 

 
We'll wait and see
The environment sec., A. Leadsome, has promised to ban the use of plastic microbeads in cosmetic and other products. Hooray! The oceans have been saved for posterity from toxic pollutants. Well, only if the rest of the world follows suit. Otherwise, it's just a moral massage for politicians, like closing all our coal- and gas-fired power stations to save the world from global warming when no other country is doing the same.

Spin, mostly harmless
Outgoing President O'Bummer is claiming he has saved the planet by joining China in signing up to the Paris Global Warming Swindle Agreement from last December. Fine. Except that China has no intention of doing anything other than increase its rate of carbon dioxide emissions over the next couple of decades and O'Bummer has no hope of getting Congress to give him its endorsement. And then there are all the coal-fired power stations which India plans to build . . .

Flash & No Substance
The Met Office is convinced that giving storms cute names was a great success when it came to alerting people ab out threats of death, property damage and travel disruption. Which is a telling indictment of the current mentality at the Met Office. Telling people about threats is their job. If done properly, the cute names are superfluous.

It's chilly, Willy
This month, the annual Arctic refreeze started earlier than it has for 20 years and there is over 20% more ice now than at the same time in 2012. Whatever happened to all that malarky about the Arctic ice disappearing as completely as the Himalayan glaciers?

 SELECTION NEWS 

 
The right result by accident
Recent surveys of the Great British Electorate have shown that the Establishment's self-interest campaign to keep us in the EU had the opposite effect. Around twice as many people thought Project Fear was a good reason to vote Leave than those who clutched nanny and voted Remain.

Nark it, matey
Maybe someone should mention to Pres. O'Bummbler that we don't care what his views on Anglo-American trade deals are because, when Brexit finally happens, he will be long out of office and even more irrelevant than he is right now.

No need to panic (for the moment)
Attention pill-guzzlers:
Statins are officially safe.
[Although they may be declared unsafe again at any moment if another survey comes along. Ed.]

Educational ignoramus
Grammar school opponent D. Swayne, a Cameroonie, thinks it's dreadful that children who don't get in to a grammar school "would have to be bussed elsewhere". Maybe someone should tell him that 11- to 19-year-olds are perfectly capable of catching a bus, or even a train and a bus, to get to school and they've been doing it for a lot longer than he's been around.

black square As everyone knows, British is best and manufacturers used to be able to put that on their products before the governance of the country was taken over by spineless, crypto-communist, quiche-eating smoothie drinkers.

Change should go many ways
There have been lots of protests in the USA about black people being shot by (black) cops and a demand for change. Okay, wouldn't it be nice if black people changed so that they lost their image of someone likely to have a gun and/or a knife and be a danger to life and limb?

black square For some strange reason, the Labourites are trying to dump their domestic violence mouthpiece because she has form (allegedly) for violence against her ex-husband. How typical of Labour not to value on-the-job experience!

black square The producers of Coronation Street have to have dropped a major bollock in sacking a Pakistani actor for ranting at Indians on antisocial meeja. Everyone knows that only white people can be racist. That's what the lefty luvvie lobby would have us believe, anyway.

 FOOD NEWS 

 
Look out! Another expert
Eating "late at night" gives you a good chance of having a heart attack or a stroke, according to a Turkish "expert". She defines "late at night" as within two hours of bedtime. But who goes to bed at 9 p.m.? (apart from naughty children) That's when the human brain reaches its hours of maximum creativity.

Retro tipple
Pol Roger plans to market pint bottles of champagne in the wake of the Brexit vote. This is a very gentlemanly quantity, apparently, much favoured by our great wartime leader Winston Churchill.

black square The common dormouse, a snack of choice of Roman occupiers a couple of millennia ago, is becoming extinct. Maybe it needs to become fashionable nosh again to survive.

Crime News
 CRIME NEWS 

Too obvious for words
There never seems to be a shortage of cash for surveys. One of the latest concludes that seeing a Bobby on the Beat doesn't happen any more for most people. But did they really need to waste money on confirming that? Doesn't everyone know that the police charge around in cars these days – and with the siren blaring if they're late for a tea break?
p.s. We're told that poachers are about to wipe out the elephant in parts of Africa. Have they already done the same to policemen on foot here?

Total non-event
There was a wonderful story from an on-going rape case in our morning paper on the second Thursday of the month. Apparently, the accused claimed that when he produced 10" of meat with a circumference of 4", the lady went, "EEEK!", slammed her legs together and nothing happened. As the blessed Little John of the Daily Mail says, you couldn't make it up.

Another case of inanity in a public office
The Chief Constable of the West Midlands has lost it bit time. D. Thompson has announced that he would be cool with a Moslem copper wandering around in a burka complete with a face mask. The Moslem Council of Britain is aghast, describing the notion as "frankly, a mad idea".
black blob Thompson is the chief con who won't tell the public about criminals on the run to protect the fugitives' imaginary 'uman rights.

black square Culture Sec. K. Bradley is of the opinion that there is no place in our society for hatred. No doubt the Police Fed Reps for the Hate Crime Squad will give her an argument if their members' jobs are on the line for a lack of customers.

It's a fair question
Are the police pathetic and useless? Well, if it took the Met about 6 hours to remove 9 exhibitionists who'd chained themselves to a lump of wood on the runway of the London City Airport, then the answer has to be yes.

Press pester power
The transport sec., C. Grayling, has been Daily Mailed into increasing the penalty for using a mobile phone in the driving seat: 6 points on the licence and the fine doubled to £200. But not for at least 6 months. Natch, insurance companies are rubbing their hands over how much more they can charge offenders.

Recycling? Hardly
A woman has been convicted of recruiting her ex-husband and her son to murder her boyfriend. The noteworthy thing about the case is that they stuffed the body into the box for a flatscreen TV before dumping it.
   It must have been a bluddy big TV!

The wheels grind dead slow? More like dead stop!
Yahoo! has just discovered that the company was hacked back in 2014 and 500 zillion customer details were copied. The big question now is why did Yahoo! take so long to realize it had been reaped? State-sponsored hackers (Chinese, Korean, Russian, etc.) are getting the blame as this sounds a bit better than scumbag criminal hackers looking to make loot out of it.

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world news
 WORLD NEWS 

Here's a real puzzle!
TRUMP
PENCE

What's that all about? Some weird new alternative currency to the US dollar?

Crude and unusual
North Korean guru Kim Jong Whoever had his minister of education shot by firing squad last month for failing to sit up nicely at a meeting. Two other stooges have been sent for re-education for being pushy.

Absolutely Glueless
If you think the level of organization by public servants in Britain is bad, imagine how the poor old Austrians feel. They tried to hold a presidential election in May but the result was annulled by a legal challenge of the way it was run. A new election is due on the 2nd of October but whoever bought the envelopes for the postal votes must have gone to his cowboy brother-in-law. The glue on the flaps doesn't work, and votes which arrive unsealed are invalid. Get out of that!

Eurobollocks
According to Europeon Commission president and hate criminal J.C. Juncker, if he starts staggering about after drinking lots of free booze, it's not because he's an alcoholic and he's pissed. No, it's because he was in a car crash in 1989. Nul points for credibility but a couple for imagination.
   Something else that boils Juncker the Cluncker's beans is that the British dared to bale out of the Europeon Union on the basis of 40 years of bad press about the antics of the Eurocraps. Juncker would like us to believe that every exposé of corruption and maladministration is a deliberate lie and only EuroTruth from his propaganda ministry should be communicated to the masses.

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Far Queue List

Far Queue symbol Striking junior doctors and the trade union bosses of the BMA.

Far Queue symbol Hands up everyone who thinks "More roots than Kunta Kinte" is racialist so that real people can steer clear of a sprinkling of outrage junkies. Ofcom included.

Far Queue symbol The dad-dancing Balls Monster.

Far Queue symbol The management of the BMA since time immemorial.

Far Queue symbol Someone should have told "Jim" Vaz that when Ken Livingstone starts making excuses on your behalf, you've left it way too late to resign with a scrap of dignity left.

Far Queue symbol Paddy Pantsdown, who thinks Brexiters are no different from the Brownshirts of Hitler's SA. Oh! how these hasbeens strive to be noticed!

Far Queue symbol Judge Roscoe, E., who let off the 9 layabouts who shut down the City Airport in London for 6 hours. No fine, no gaol time for breach of anti-terrorism laws, just £95 for court costs [sounds highly inadequate. Ed.] and "don't do it again".

Far Queue symbol Yuncker the Clunker, President of the EC, for making a "state of the union" speech about the EU and pretending to be a properly elected president, as in the USA, which he isn't.

Far Queue symbol Hillary Clinton if she expects anyone to believe she could recover from pneumonia in a couple of days instead of a couple of weeks (or more).

Far Queue symbol Anyone who thinks transferring the Great British Bake Off from the BBC to Channel 4 is a catastrophe of Titanic or Hindenburg proportions.

Far Queue symbol Tony B. Liar and his pretend money-grubber's guilt.

Far Queue symbol M. Schulz, the head of the Euro parliament, has committed a grotesque libel on Brexit supporters by accusing them of killing Jo Cox, MP. It just underlines the fundamental nastiness of those who have their noses buried deep in the Euro-trough.

Far Queue symbol Arthur Scaregill, who claims to be totally against everything Mrs. Thatcher did as prime minister, acquired his London council flat, even though it wasn't his main residence, as a half-price million pounds under the Thatcher right-to-buy system. Not above putting his principles under the bed when there's cash to be made from it, then.

Far Queue symbol C. Oliver, who got a K for being Dave the Leader's spin doctor and who got dodgy permission to publish a book of spin-fiction before the Tory conference to do the dirty on the current prime monster, Mrs. May, and maintain the fiction that Project Fear won the moral argument and the Bremainers were right.

Far Queue symbol Baroness Swami Chuckabutty, another Labour luvvie who sneers at the little people below her level of privilege. The Swami took a pop at Essex man even though she's the for-show chancellor of Essex U. But no one expects her to get the sack for casual regional contempt seeing she's a Labour luvvie peer.

Far Queue symbol Saint Diane Abbot, another Labour racialist hypocrite.

Far Queue symbol HP, which rolled out a stealth "update" to ensure that its current printers won't work with cheaper, refilled ink cartridges.

Far Queue symbol “Far queue, far queue very much!” – Frank Zappa.

The Far Queue: the traditional parking place for everything "not wanted on voyage".

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