BlackFlag News
 
 2014/July 
  final
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Public Service Advice: For maximum comprehension, customers are advised to read our words from left to right and in the order in which they are presented. Please keep your eyes open whilst reading or you might miss something.

 WAR NEWS 
Dubja Bomber writes:

"Lessons will be learnt." Yeah, right!
The lesson politicians refuse to learn is that if you remove a baddie from office by force, like Saddam Insane or M. Gaddaffie, you just end up with worseies taking over.

 BELIEVE IT OR WHAT 

Q.E.D.
We have long believed that putting a gun into a copper's hands can disconnect the part of his brain which is responsible for rational thought. This view is supported by the revelation that two firearms coppers, who were sent to despatch a deer which was hit by a car in Co. Durham, chose to batter it to death with a crowbar instead of shooting the animal. Maybe they were worried they'd have to pay for the bullet?

 LACK OF ENERGY NEWS 

No one at the wheel
The United States of America will be without a president for the next 2½ years. Mr. O'Bummer has decided to give up early and take an extended golfing holiday until his term in office runs out in January 2017.
   There will be a certain amount of ceremony and keeping up appearances, but as far as getting anything major done is concerned, the incumbent can no longer be bothered.

 ENERGY NEWS 

Good luck with collecting that!
If you sign up with npower for your gas & electricity, you might find yourself stuck with a monthly direct debit for £53.5 MILLION.

Just a thought, but how much are the anti-frakkers getting from Vlad "I've got all the gas" Putin?

 FOOD NEWS 

Standards, but not as we know them, Jim
The Food Standards Agency has decided not to name supermarkets found, in a FAS survey, to be selling chicken contaminated with deadly campylobacter bugs after the industry and the government complained that it would damage sales.

Another case of brain-fade
Good news for any food-faddist who goes onto a sugar-free diet – you won't have to stay on it for very long because it will kill you. Likewise, anyone who drinks clay in an attempt to lose weight. You might lose rather a lot rather rapidly if the arsenic poisons you!

 CLIMATE NEWS 

global warming sloganSod the science, give us the dosh
Wildlife "experts" are blaming Global Warming for a plague of wheeled bin-size jellyfish. Why? Because they think there's more money to be had out of it than from endorsing the more likely explanation that overfishing by the EU's vandal nations (yes, we're talking about you and your mates, Spain) has removed predators on jellyfish eggs and rivals for their food supply.

global warming sloganGreen Mediaevalists? Pretty dam' apt name.
170 wind turbines, each 700 feet tall, in 60 square miles of the Channel off the coast of Sussex will cost £2 BILLION and generate 240 MW of electricity, and absolutely none for two-thirds of the year when the wind ain't blowing. And the GMs don't include the cost of conventional power stations to bridge this gap in their calculations.
A gas-fired power station costs £1 BILLION and produces 2,000 MW of electricity, no matter what the weather outside is doing.

global warming sloganThanks, Red Ed, for the bogus excuse
Why aren't energy bills going to drop even though the wholesale price of gas for next winter will be 20% lower than last winter's price? Because the Big 6 know that Red Ed plans to freeze their prices if he wins next year's general election, so they're not reducing them as a precaution. Which amounts to rigging the market, for which huge fines should – but won't – be imposed.

global warming sloganThe end is nigh?
100,000 lightning strikes in 72 hours mid-month, half a dozen houses set on fire by them (but it was bucketing down with rain in case the fire brigade was on strike again) and roads blocked by floods. And it was SCORCHIO all over the place. Global warming? No, just the planet in normal action.

global warming sloganAnother alibi needed
The Warmists have been claiming that the global temperature has failed to rise since 1998, as their "any result you want, Gov" computer models predict, because the deep oceans have been hoovering up all the extra heat. By some unexplained method.
   No so, sez Prof C. Wunsch, "the world's most respected oceanographer" and closet Warmist frustrated by evidence and honesty. The deep oceans have been cooling due to the effects of climate changes centuries ago. New balls, please!

global warming sloganLet us keep things in proportion
Whatever the human race is doing to the planet, it's child's play compared to what the planet can do to itself. Like the Iceball Earth 650 million years ago, when most or all of the planet's surface was frozen, and the dinosaur-busting eruption of the Deccan Traps volcanoes 65 million years ago, which resurfaced the whole of northern India. Nothing mankind has ever done is in this league. And life on the planet continued in new forms – and some surviving old ones – despite such dramatic upheavals.

global warming sloganRepetitive craziness
This government, and the last one, think saving the planet can be done by cutting down trees on the other side of the world, using vast quantities of energy to reduce them to wood chippings, FLYING the chippings across the Atlantic to Britain and burning them in power stations instead of using coal. Not quite certifiable, totally.

global warming sloganToo many to be coincidence
Global Warming is being blamed for the loss of another historic pier. The buildings on Eastbourne's historic Victorian piece of ironwork went up in flames at the end of this month, following the path of destruction which has claimed the piers at Brighton (West, 2003), Southend-on-Sea (2005), Weston-super-Mare (2008) and Hastings (2010).

 TRAVEL NEWS 


Stay put. Don't move a muscle!
All UK airports will be closed this summer as the usual suspects are worried about bombs which cannot be detected by conventional scanners. As it is policy to search only people who don't look like they belong to the ethnic groups which do suicide bombings – to avoid accusations of racial profiling from the usual suspects – the government has decided that giving up is the only answer.
If Ghod had meant people to travel around, he would not, in His infinite wisdom, have invented other countries. [What??? Ed.]

Let us be clear
Islamic terrorism is not the fault of the British public. The blame belongs to Tony B. Liar, who let any old terrorist park here free of charge, and to the Coalition, which let them stay.

Train late today?
It's because the tracks have been heated up too much in this month's heatwave and the rails are buckling and trains have been ordered to slow down to avoid being derailed.
Meanwhile, in France, trains are crashing into one another; most recently, a TGV hit an ordinary commuter train; because the heat is frying the signalling equipment.

Russian terrorists close Ukraine's air space
Another Malaysian airliner has gone down with no survivors. Unlike flight MH 370, which disappeared without a trace, flight MH 17 was shot down by a Russian surface-to-air missile by terrorists in the east of Ukraine, who went on to brag about it on anti-social media before deleting their posts under threats from the Kremlin.
The Russians are claiming the airliner was shot down by the Ukrainians because "they thought it was Putin's jet", which must qualify for the most pathetic excuse of all time.

Things take a more sinister turn
Suddenly, airliners are dropping out of the sky: the Malaysian airliner which came down on Ukraine, a local flight which crashed on Taiwan and then, an Algerian airliner crashed onto Mali. Could this be the Russians creating mayhem by stealth as a preliminary to claiming that the airliner they shot down onto Ukraine was just one of a string of purely natural disaster?

What will happen to all the Liberal MEPs, who lost their places at the Eurotrough courtesy of ungrateful voters? They're all going to get their noses plugged in at the House of Frauds.

Quiet carriages on trains are to be abolished because there are just too many travelling yobs about and train staff find it too difficult to shush them.

Who's driving? No one!!
Self-drive robot cars will be allowed onto Britain's roads next year. The government is fast-tracking enabling legislation despite warnings that the vehicles will have a tough time on roads full of potholes.

Crime News
 CRIME NEWS 
Mafia MacEye writes:
Fear to tread

Greater Manchester Police have issued a warning to anyone who has to be in the centre of Manchester after midnight. Thanks to New Labour's 24-hour drinking culture, which was supported enthusiastically by the Labour-loving council, violence has spiralled out of control and there's nothing the police can do to protect sober citizens from violent drunks.

A step too far in sanitizing history
The Hacked Toffs lobby has been trying to get newspapers to censor their online archives to prevent people from finding out about previous offences committed by people who are about to go on trial. But the Attorney General has been warned that nothing good will come of this latest adventure in Press censorship, and it has been dropped from upcoming legislation.

Who's really in charge?
According to a leaked manifesto, the figureheads of the civil service believe that they, not the government of the day, should be in control of each department's aims and legacy. So who died and made them the boss of the universe? And why does the Coalition, and every other wimpy government we get, let the waxworks get away with it?

Funny Money
An Ethiopian farmer, who has never set foot in the UK, is getting legal aid from the British taxpayer to sue the British government for giving British taxpayers' cash to the corrupt regime in Ethiopia which, he claims, has breached his 'uman bluddy rights (which don't exist in Ethiopia). This is what this stupid government does with our money.

Getting away with it big-time
The Association of Cheap Police Officers has been forced to admit that it is doing such a brilliant job at 50% of all crimes are never solved. And that's only half of the crimes which they bother to log.
For some crimes, the success rate is as low as 17%.
One excuse is that there is no point in investigating crimes if the perps are let off in court. So the message is that we need to be sacking soft-on-crime judges and magistrates, not cheap police officers.

And the point of the exercise is . . . ?
People who share files and films illegally using the internet will get up to four warning emails from their Internet Service Provider about copyright infringement. No further action will be taken if the warnings are ignored.

The thin edge of a very wide wedge
Police plans to kidnap mobile phones from every driver who is involved in an accident won't stop there. Before we know it, passengers will be included and then every piece of electronic equipment, even laptops and tablets locked in the boot. And equipment belonging to spectators and then everyone living within a 5-mile radius of the incident. Because coppers with the power to grab something from a member of the public know no boundaries.

world news
 WORLD CUP NEWS 

GPS failure blamed
Holland and the Aaaarghies are blaming a collapse of Brazil's wonky GPS system for their mutual failure to find the other lot's goal during their World Cup semi-final. Meanwhile, outraged Brazilians are demanding to know why the system wasn't shut down officially before they went 7-0 down in their drubbing at the hands of the Germans in the first semi-final before knocking in their consolation goal for 7-1.



 
1, 2 & 3 – Brazil vs Germany: 0-3, 0-4, 0-5; 4, 5 & 6 – Brazil vs Holland: 0-3 x 3


Grr 1, Arg 0
Q: What's the population of Brazil?
A: Glad that Argentina lost!

Romiley News
ROMILEY NEWS
 

Local Warming

Romiley Prepared is in the process of distributing its 64-page dossier on how to handle a heatwave. All we need now is the heatwave to justify this further outbreak of bureaucratic bungling and waste of taxpayers' cash.
The advice includes a warning to avoid the vicinity of personhole covers to prevent injury when they explode.

The Silence of the Doves

One of our correspondents just happened to glance out of the window whilst watching the Moto2 race of the German MotoGP Sunday, and it seemed to be snowing pale grey feathers! Then he spotted the perpetrator. He immediately grabbed his trusty digital camera and started snapping.
   The area is plagued by collared doves, which spend a lot of their time doing inane hooting. Unfortunately for us, from the general demeanour of our visiting hawk, the population has not been reduced by one specimen.
   Although the doves have gone very quiet . . .

2,000 lightning strikes in 2 hours on one day but Romiley stayed out of the firing line. But not on the day and night of 17,000 strikes and a really noisy nocturnal thunderstorm.

Home News
 HOME NEWS 
UK Flag

We pay, we get
The trade unions have told Red Ed that if they buy an election win for him, the price will be their own Ministry of Union Affairs with all the Whitehall trappings and trade union-nominated stooges in charge.
To Labour, people are "context-transcending spirits". Which explains why most of the party's official propaganda is such vapid BS and so wonkish.

They're all at it
BE IT KNOWN that in addition to Wonga and the government, the big banks and the utility companies, power and water, are all sending out threatening letters branded to look as if they are from a legal firm. Such letters from imaginary lawyers are so abundant that anyone who receives a threatening letter with a legal masthead is entitled to assume that it's a fake and bin it.

The strongest of the strong
The world's strongest beer is Snake Venom, which is brewed in Scotland, has an alcohol content of 68% and costs Fifty Quid for a 275 ml bottle.

The sneakiest of the sneaky
The Foreign Office has an interesting method of getting rid of inconvenient files. It stores them in buildings in areas which are flooded regularly, then destroys them on the grounds that they have been "water damaged".
Surprise! The government departments which stashed their embarrassing stuff in buildings with a leaky roof, or buildings in flood areas, have been ordered to dry out their "water-damaged" documents and submit them for enhancement.

Do no evil by definition
The Government Citizens' Harassment Quango has admitted making illegal data sweeps to record all phone and email traffic in the UK. But GCHQ denies that it has broken the law because, as a member of the Establishment, it is above the law.

Bad News: A former Labour minister thinks Red Ed is worse as a leader than Neil Pillock was.
Good News: It's only Bliarite & New Labourite Charles Clarke, who was as useless in office as Red Ed.

Exaggerate, Exaggerate
The headlines, and the BBC were yelling about 600 paedophiles being arrested, which conjured up visions of thousands of coppers on dawn raids loading furtive individuals with a coat over their head into scores of police vans. But it turned out that this was the total number of arrests for 6 months, not a mass razia on one day. Quel let-down.

More Pots 'n' Kettles
Labour is scoffing at Dave the Leader's new Cabinet team after the shambles of the reshuffle, but have we forgotten the clunkers who were in charge of ministries last time Labour was in charge? Tony B. Liar? Wee Gordy Broon? Red Ed as Global Warming Minister? Two-Jags Prescott? The Balls Monster? And all the Blair Babes who proved to be totally useless? Mandelsleaze? Lord "Millennium Dome Secretary" Charlie Falconer? And all the ones who were caught with their hand in the till and fired? Actually, no. And there's Labour's current education philosophy – Okay, you can't read, write and do sums, and you don't know how to behave in polite society, but you're so wonderful, it doesn't matter.

They are some good after all
Anti-social media are getting the credit for a reduction in teenage pregnancies. It seems that girls are too busy posting selfies to get themselves into the pudding club.

Me, Me, Me – Red Ed's obsession
Labour is spending £80,000/year on a spin doctor to transform Red Ed from Wallace into his smarter sidekick, Gromit.

The economy is now back at its peak level before the Brown Slump and growing . . .

The ghost of Wee Gordie Broon lives on. Labour is planning to put a 15% death tax into its next election manifesto. [If that's how much it will cost to die, how much will it cost to carry on living? Ed.] The mad Wallace imitator, Red Ed, is seeking to go where "The Mugger" feared to tread. Wee Gordie wanted to put a death tax in his 2010 election manifesto but eventually chickened out of doing it.

space news
 SPACE NEWS 

Where are they?

Things have gone strangely quiet on the UFO-spotting front recently. Is this because people have decided they don't really exist? Or because UFOs have got a lot better at not being spotted?

 HEALTH NEWS 
Wholeman Hunt writes:

More fine words with nothing to back them up
Dave the Leader has declared war on antibiotic-resistant superbugs. They must be quaking in their tiny boots! [Or laughing their little cotton socks off. Ed.]

Stress Buster
Everyone needs to go on a 4-day week as they will find it less stressful than toiling for 5 days. Clearly, the people of today are weaklings compared to their recent ancestors, who could manage a 5-day week with no problems.
Labour is all in favour of the change as it would make more jobs available for Labour-voting immigrants and help to pay benefits to Labour-voting scroungers.

EU Logic
The European Union's bosses plan to raise quotas for sugar production in Europe to encourage obesity. Because that's what the EU does.

Fire Damp
Exploding manhole covers are an increasing hazard in London. Rain seeping into electrical link boxes more frequently, helped by damage cause by third parties, is getting the blame, and the inspection regime is just not keeping pace.

 JUST LAUGHABLE 

What's he been smoking?
"It has been a star-spangled World Cup," gushed one of the commentators as the United States were going down fairly gloriously on Belgium's lucky day. What total bollocks these characters spout. We've been lucky to see one star player per team. And the matches in the knockout stage have all depended on luck at the end rather than one of the teams taking charge of the match.

The knee jerking
Google has started search censorship to hide inconvenient past crimes, episodes of incompetence and indiscretions, and doing so mindlessly. This applies only to searches made with google.co.uk, however, and the US version, google.com, is not affected by the EU's censorship laws (allegedly).

More Red Ed Logic
If the rich pay most of Britain's taxes, why does the Labour party object to the government making them even richer and eligible to pay even more in taxes?

Document Spontaneous Combustion?
The Home Office would have us believe that 114 files on political paedophiles just vanished into thin air of their own accord. No danger of dawn raids by the Old Bill on the civil shredders responsible, of course. Or of Ks and other awards being removed retrospectively from the unworthy.

Old Clueless strike again
Cleggie's free school meals policy is already in chaos, and things are getting worse. The planning has been hopeless and it is still relying on schools having a kitchen, which many do not.

Recycle! Recycle! Sounds like a winner!
Labour's strategy for the next general election is to claim that caviar commie Red Ed Milipede is "Mr. Normal" and everyone else is "Mr. Weird". Apparently, it's a rehash of the strategy they used in 2010, with huge success, for Wee Gordy Broon.

Well, we all believed it!
Surprise! The notion that we use just 10% of our brain is pure baloney and the 10% figure was just plucked out of the air like a political statistic.
The only reason the myth has survived is that it's useful to self--improvement swindlers, who make suckers think that they can achieve 11% usage and an edge on everyone else.

world news
 WORLD NEWS 

Finally, Suarez admits cannibal attack
We knew he was a guy who wouldn't know the truth if he tripped over it long before he started denying everything and coming up with silly stories about falling over and landing on an Italian player with his teeth extended. Does admitting his crime against humanity make things any better? No, it just makes him look even more of a git for the obfuscations. And does anyone believe his promise not to do it again? No more than anyone believes David Cameron's promises now.

Worst of the worst
President O'Bummer has achieved the distinction of being voted the worst US president since 1945. Ronald Raygun came out top of the pops. Gordon Broon is the shiftiest British politician of all time; he rarely gives a straight answer to a question. He finished just below 2-Jags Prescott in the survey, but Prescott has the excuse of not being able to produce comprehensible English.

Allez les Bleus!
"A French politician is nobody until he has been arrested at least three times on corruption charges which don't even begin to get to grips with his thievery and dishonesty."

Anti-social networks around the world suffered meltdown following Brazil's collapse in their World Cup match with Germany. None of them had anticipated that level of traffic.

Ve don't do Deutsch!
Munich Technical University is planning to teach all of its courses in English to help its graduates to compete in global business. [And broaden its intake from abroad. Ed.]

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 SERENDIPITY 
Aava Nalaf's brother writes:

Gesture bonus
D. Cameron, current leader of the Conservative & Unionist Party, has enjoyed a Juncker Bounce in the polls after taking a stance against the decision by Europe's boss, Ms Angular Merkel, to appoint the man who is tackling Europe's booze lake single-handedly as the next president of the European Commission.

 DOSH NEWS 
Farqi Nell writes:

Wonga is safe!
The 6,000% payday loan company can't be prosecuted for using a self-created bogus legal firm to pursue defaulters. Why not? Because Vince Cable's section of the government machine has been using the same scam on student loan defaulters. So if Wonga goes to gaol, Vince will end up in the next cell.

Covering her ass
Why is Angular Merkel so keen for Britain to stay in the EU? Because she knows that German taxpayers would take it out on her if they were suddenly saddled with our EU bills on top of their own.

Wrong by a mere £1.9 BILLION per year
HMRC, which wants the legal right to raid bank accounts to get unpaid taxes, has been making a bog of calculating how much tax is collected since 2011. Sounds like the dozy bozos in charge should be getting bogus lawyer's letters to freak them out a bit.

Bloat!
The BSBC is still growing its employee list despite many promises to cut staff levels. And it blew £660K on headhunters in 2012/13.

Money-go-round
Network Rail has been fined £53 million out of its enormous subsidy for failing to deliver punctuality targets. The boss blames trains running late on too many people wanting to use them.

Bad news for payday loans firms
6,000% APRs will be abolished and no wonga will have to pay back more than twice the amount borrowed. But not until January 2015.

What's an appropriate reward for failure these days? P. Clarke, shunted out of Tesco after a dire spell, got £10 MILLION.

Maybe next year
The Church of England employs 72 staff, who are being paid less than the living wage. They will all get the living wage from April next year, but no doubt their ranks will be thinned by those who failed to survive on less than a living wage, which will save the CoE a few bob.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

Far Queue List

Far Queue symbol The Uruguayan Football-Field Snacker and his late apology after the lies didn't work.

Far Queue symbol The Luxembourg Lush and all his supporters.

Far Queue symbol BA and its "summer flight deals" which apply only between September and December.

Far Queue symbol The match officials in the first 2 World Cup quarter finals.

Far Queue symbol The top-people paedophiles and the gang on the public payroll protecting them.

Far Queue symbol Politicians who tell us they will "learn the lessons" when we know they never do.

Far Queue symbol BA is sorry if some customers may have felt misled by its lying adverts about "summer holiday" deals between September and December.

Far Queue symbol Those who present themselves as standard bearers for the poor and victimized but, in reality, manage only to impoverish the under-class even further.

Far Queue symbol The football teams of Brazil, Holland and Argentina.

Far Queue symbol Bury council, which will be emptying general rubbish bins only every 3 weeks. (Despite the many empty promises from Bins Minister E. Pickles)

Far Queue symbol V. Cable, who cost the taxpayer £1 BILLION with his botched privatization of the Royal Mail.

Far Queue symbol R. Branson, who thinks that if he gives up eating meat, he'll save the planet.

Far Queue symbol Stoke-on-Trent council, which has blown £10,000 on making a DVD on how to change a light bulb and other minor household tasks. The production job has already taken two years, and shows no signs of reaching completion any decade soon.

Far Queue symbol The Welsh government (Labour), which ignored all warnings and blew £48,000 on a wind turbine, which generates electricity worth a fiver a month at its location in front of an office building in Aberystwyth.

Far Queue symbol The traffic warden, who slapped parking tickets, which could be removed only by the driver, on two portable toilets deployed in Silsden for the convenience of spectators when the Tour de France came to Yorkshire.

Far Queue symbol The unemployed bloke with 13 kids, who gets £53,000 a year in benefits, despite IDS's cap of £26K, and used it to buy and maintain 300 koy carp – until some kind person poisoned them.

Far Queue symbol The judges at an immigration tribunal who ruled that a drunken groper from Ceylon can't be deported because he has a right to family life, even though his kids have been taken from him for adoption and he will never see them again. New Labour rules, of course.

Far Queue symbol Red Ed, the striker's friend, who's too ashamed to admit it.

Far Queue symbol Harridan Harperson, who wants the middle classes to hand all their money to a future Labour government as penance for being middle class.

Far Queue symbol Dave the Leader and his cute high-five, hand-slapping with Juncker the EU Cluncker.

Far Queue symbol Public Health England (quango), the management of which thinks it needs to waste taxpayers' money on telling people to open windows in hot weather.

Far Queue symbol Leftie-luvvie head teachers, who distribute plagiarized letters telling their "students" that learning isn't all that important.

Far Queue symbol Leftie-luvvie Ofsted inspectors, who get their pants bunched up if teachers actually dare to use textbooks and write stuff on a blackboard with chalk during a lesson.

Far Queue symbolThe ungaoled criminals at Lloyds Bank (and all the other banks), and the ones who slid out with a huge pay-off.

Far Queue symbol N. Rosberg, who's claiming he was blocked in the Hungarian Grand Prix by British driver Lewis Hamilton (hooray!). He clearly needs to learn the difference between a team mate not getting in his way whilst he's overtaking and a team mate being asked to park up at the side of the track when Rosberg can't even get close to him.

Far Queue symbol The management of NHS hospitals which run parking-fine scams and employ parking scammers.

Far Queue symbol “Far queue, far queue very much!” – Frank Zappa.

The Far Queue: the traditional parking place for everything "not wanted on voyage".

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, July MM14.