BlackFlag News
 
 2014/June 
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space news
 SPACE-TIME NEWS 

Paradox Corner

What exactly is Dave the Leader expected to do about hiring – back in 2009 – the now convicted phone-hacker A. Coulson with the unvetted approval of the Cabinet Sec. and Blair crony J. Heywood? Hop into his time machine and reverse everything with an historical edit?

Announcement

Stakeholder Relations Manager

BFN is considering employing one of the above. But first, we'd like someone to explain to us what the job involves and how many tokenism points we'd score by appointing such an appendage.

travel news
 TRAVEL NEWS 


Govt. could face new ECHR battle over £10K speeding fines
A crime is a crime is a crime, says the Social Justice Movement, and the offender's ability to pay should be irrelevant. An illegal immigrant on benefits driving recklessly in an uninsured, badly maintained vehicle is more of a danger to the travelling public than a "posh bloke" in a high-powered car. But, if the offender's ability to pay is taken into account, as is being proposed, the more dangerous driver will suffer little or no inconvenience.
   The PC leftie-luvvie tendency has demonstrated yet again that public safety is of little importance when there's a pointless gesture to be made, says the SJM, but the Movement intends to fight this battle all the way through the British courts to the dens of Europe on a point of principle.

If you want a new passport . . .
. . . forget it! Passport offices around the country are clogged to the gills with applications, which they'll be bloody lucky to catch up with before Xmas – especially if the bolshy staff go on strike again – and they'll start drowning in a new surge of applications at the end of the year anyway.
Official HMG advice is to stay put in Brilliant Britain instead of gallivanting off abroad. You know it makes sense.

The Brown Hole revisited
The government has wasted £50 MILLION on a botched attempt to put the West Coast Mainline rail franchise up for auction. The cash will go in compensation to the companies which wasted time and energy on bidding, and Virgin Trains will keep on truckin' until 2017, when there will be another botched franchise auction. Having a shower of Labour waxworks involved locally hasn't helped the situation any.

You couldn't make up anything as good
Potholes are a sign of a booming economy, sez the roads minister, R. Goodwill. [And not due to councils wasting taxpayers' cash on frivolities? Ed.] Shame the evidence says otherwise.

The England team was not troubled by bothersome fans when its deportation flight landed in Manchester. No one bothered to turn up the hurl derision at the Hodgson Hopeless.

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 UNSPORT NEWS 
Aava Nalaf writes:

The last refuge of scoundrel now?
There is absolutely no corruption in FIFA, boss for life S. Blatter has assured us, especially not in the decision to award an undeliverable summer World Cup to Quatar in 2020, and anyone who says any different is guilty of racism, anti-diversity, anti-multiculturalism and discrimination, so there!

Mad as a box of frogs
Those whom the gods wish to destroy they first drive mad. They must really have it in for Tony B. Liar, who's still claiming that the murderous shambles in Iraq is nothing at all to do with him. [All Gordon's fault, was it? Ed.]

Danger, Judges At Work
The Supreme Court has ruled that doing checks to find out if a potential employee has a criminal record breaches the 'uman right to privacy of criminals. So if you suddenly find Jack the Ripper working at your friendly, neighbourhood care home, or the local primary school, you know whom to thank.

If Suarez really did score his goals against England only to get back at the FA for ticking him off when he behaved like a total twat, then that has to be a strong contender for the Worst Whinge of the Year Award.

How come the Uruguayan captain didn't get a second yellow card and a sending off in the match with England? Highly suspicious.

Scrounging to the max
Red Ed Milibandit is threatening to do a Kinnock. He plans to lead Labour into a couple of elections, lose them, then slope off to a cushy job in the EUrocracy before ending his days in the House of Frauds.

World Cup Ticker
+ + + Life ban for Suarez for persistent and blatant cannibalism? + + + The world's Press begs Suarez to emigrate to Bolivia so that he can be rebranded as The Bolivian Biter + + + Colombian Cannibal would be good, too + + + Would you believe The Nicaraguan Nibbler? + + + Chilean Chomper? + + + Guatemalan Gobbler? + + + Uruguayan FA claims bite marks on Suarez victim Chiellini are Photoshopped!!! + + + All the fault of a new manhunt against Suárez by British press, sez Uruguayan meeja + + + All records of previous misconduct, even as a teenager, redacted from library, newspaper and Uruguayan football federation files + + + Suarez didn't headbut a referee in a youth match, he "fell into him accidentally" + + + Luis does a lot of falling over + + +



p.s. Suarez didn't do anything as bad as this!

Anyone who votes "NO" in the referendum on Scottish independence could be in line for an M, O or CBE, or even a K for services rendered.

 ALIBI NEWS 

It wisnae me!
Gordon Effin Broon wishes it to be known that he's not to blame for ruining the British economy and creating a £150 BILLION Brown Hole budget deficit in 2010 though his 13 years of reckless spending. And it won't be his fault if his bitching sabotages the No campaign, Scotland becomes an independent backwater and a popular revolution deposes A. Salmonella and insists on making G.F. Broon the first Scottish President of a country which will have its hand out to the IMF for a massive loan within the next five minutes.

Irrelevant extra: "effin" is sometimes a typo for "elfin" and allowed to stand if the slightly built lady actor person in question is having a tantrum day.

Think of a number? No, make one up!
Q: How do you "prove" that poverty has doubled over the last 30 years?
A: Ignore the previous official definition of poverty and make up your own so that you're no longer comparing like with like.
   BFN is now wondering if the guys at Bristol University are related to the Warmists of the Climate Change Unit of the University of East Angular.
p.s. Our statistical expert informs us that using a tiny sample of people helps to produce the desired result.

A voice from the wilderness
The notorious DPM of the B. Liar era, 2-Jags Prescott, claims that he wrote to D. Cameron in July 2009 telling him that employing phone-hacker A. Coulson as a spin doctor was a bad idea. "I received no reply to my warning," old 2-Jags is complaining. Possibly because someone is still struggling to translate his message into coherent English?

 HEALTH NEWS 
Wholeman Hunt writes:

Not bad enough for some
The government is on target to declare 3.5 million children "in poverty" by 2020. This is the consequence of putting former health sec. A. Milburn, whose spell in charge of the NHS was an unmitigated disaster, in charge of producing a daft strategy for a problem of Labour's creation. The last Labour government, of course, promised to abolish child poverty but it was caught in the act of fiddling its statistics and never worked out how to create the illusion of performing a miracle.
Labour is believed to want to inherit at least 10 million impoverished children so that they can be lifted out of distress dramatically with a swift shift of goalposts.

More of the same?
Roy Hodgson, current England football team manager, isn't a wally or a turnip, his apologists assure us. But he's obviously a loser and a prime candidate for the boot. Which is why the FA is keen to keep him in place until 2018. And there's said to be no obvious replacement, so no need to bother looking.


Or: My girlfriend wanted to go out for a Chinese but I fancied an Italian instead.

The NHS wastes BILLIONs every year because of the staggering ineptitude of its bureaucracy, which exists mainly for the benefit of the staff rather than the patients.

Portable BBQs and a telly next?
If convicts take to the rooftops in the summer, the guv'nor of their gaol will offer them suncream, drinks and snacks in the mistaken belief that failing to do so will breach 'elf 'n' nazi rules. No sign of the Ministry of Justice firing any idiots to encourage the others.

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Crime News
 CRIME NEWS 
Mafia MacEye writes:
Secret justice is the first step on the road to a cover-up

Parliament hasn't given its permission for criminal trials to be held in secret. So how come 2 suspected terrorists (no names, no offences, just the initials TBL and JGB) are being tried in secret and the very existence of the trial was revealed only because the Press took the government to court? Yet another example of a judge making up the rules as he goes along? And getting away with it?
   A few cases of abuse of due process have emerged from the murky world of the Court of Protection and the Family Courts. The government and the judiciary cannot be trusted with an extension of this system to the criminal courts. Too many slippery characters with much dodginess to cover up are involved.

You choose which she is
Defence Minister A. Soubry reckons that anyone who is worried about the extent of immigration is either ignorant or racist. We say that anyone who is an MP is either a fool or a fraudster. So there!

Attention all escaped killers!
The best place to go after your stroll out of an open prison is Derbyshire, as the police there won't bust you because it would violate your 'uman right to privacy. D. Richards was able to enjoy 9 years of liberty there after strolling out of Sudbury open prison, and he'd still be claiming benefits if the Daily Mail hadn't ratted him out to the Metropolitan Police this month.

Let us be fair about this
A Home Office leak has assured BFN that the Minister knows that water-cannon are un-British and that is the reason why they will be licenced for use only on un-British rioters.

Having failed to make an impact on adult crime rates, the nation's cheap constables are planning to treat larking about by children as major crimes to bolster their fiddled crime figures.

Let us be fair about this, as well
The Supreme Court's deputy president, Baroness Hale, has admitted that the law is doing too little to protect the 'uman rights of Christians. And who made that law? Oh, yes, wasn't it judges like 'er ladyship?

Free pass
If you're a one-armed Czech heroin addict, you have carte blanche to steal anything you like, according to Southend's magistrates.

Well, that's a big deterrent
What do you get if you steal £43,000 from the taxpayer with fraudulent benefits claims? A suspended gaol sentence and an emotional well-being course.

Too nice to pop?
Wonga, the 6,000% interest payday loans company, is not to be prosecuted for criminal deception for sending fake lawyer's letters to customers in arrears, the City of London police "service" is alleged to have decided.

 STUDY NEWS 
What has surfaced this month in the way of revelations?

There are currently 35,000 people eligible for a telegram from the Queen but a study has predicted that the number of centenarians will top half a million in 2066.

The blue light given off by screens on cellphones and tablets, computer monitors and TV sets stimulates the appetite so much that messing about with a phone or tablet at the dining table, or watching TV whilst eating, will make you enormously fat.

Blondes do not have a special dumbness gene. People with fair hair are just as smart (or can be just as stupid) as those with any other hair colour.

Sleeping in a room with thin curtains will make you fat. If you’re exposed to too much light during the night, your waist measurement and your body mass index both shoot up. Well, who’d have thunk it!

Eating fast food containing lots of additives has been blamed for a rise in allergies to almost everything. Such allergies were rare or unknown 30 years ago, when the fast-food industry was just in its infancy.

The Institute for Fiscal Studies reckons that it's better to send pupils from poorly performing schools to university than pupils from good schools as the former achieve better results.

Talking about booze makes people as aggressive as drinking it! Also sprach the University of Kent.

A good night's sleep prevents the build-up of rogue proteins in the eye and reduces the risk of Alzheimer's disease. Well, it does in mice.

The heavier the glass, the better the drink tastes. And never ever give someone a plastic beaker.

People who are a bit overweight tend to live longer than people who are in the "normal" weight range.

10% of all deaths in England and Wales are caused by obesity-related conditions, especially diabetes and heart disease. 66% of the population is now overweight or obese, which will make room for migrants and relieve the housing shortage when they pop off.

Using a mobile phone whilst driving distracts drivers more than the effects of drugs or drink, even if a hand-free rig is used.

After a lengthy research project, we can be assured that even rats can feel regret over a lost opportunity.

Black coffee without sugar can stop tooth decay; as long as it's the right sort of Brazilian coffee.

Drinking too much coffee can cause staining of teeth and acid damage to the enamel.

Eating Red Meat causes heart disease, strokes, diabetes and cancers.

A lack of Red Meat causes anaemia, tiredness, shortness of breath and muscle weakness.

Processed meat is lethal!

40% of people living in England don't give a monkey's about the World Cup.

103% of Scots have an "anyone but England" attitude.

Families in England will spend an extra £300 because of the World Cup.

Wearing sun cream doesn't offer reliable protection from skin cancer. Enough UV to cause lasting damage can still get through.

Statins are brilliant and everyone should take them.

Statins are lethal because of the side-effects.

Eating 2 sausages per day doubles a man's risk of heart failure but eating unprocessed steaks is okay.

Extra sleep, especially via a long lie-in at the weekend, will make you feel more relaxed and it will help fatties to lose weight by suppressing their appetite by 14%. On the other hand, insufficient or disrupted sleep will pile on the pounds.

A musical accompaniment can influence how food tastes, eliminating the need to add sugar and salt, those two serial killers. A spot of Satie can be an effective sugar substitute, and adding some Schumann can create sweet 'n' sour. And the right brand of rock music can improve the taste of specific types of wine.

Washing raw chicken spreads bugs all over the kitchen and it will kill everyone in your street.

Not only is red wine good for preventing heart attacks, strokes and stress, it can also prevent the eyesight from deteriorating. Young wines in screw-cap bottles are the most beneficial.

Telling lies to your children will turn them into habitual liars, just like you!

Motorway bananas are bad for your financial health. A banana which costs 12p in a supermarket will set the customer back 75p @ a motorway services.

75% of prisoners in Scottish gaols say they are happy with their incarceration; possibly because over 50% are taking mind-bending substances.

Women who have had 4 or more children are more likely to develop heart disease than less-frequent breeders.

Watching TV for more than 3 hours a day doubles your chance of an early death from the usual suspects; diabetes and heart disease.

Playing too much football can turn people into Italian-eating zombies.

Children should never get fruit juice at the dinner table. They should be offered only milk or water to prevent diabetes, heart disease, obesity and other nasties.

Fruit juice no longer qualifies as one of the 5/7/13 a day because it contains lethal amounts of sugar.

All married women have an inner psychopath, which leaps out of its cage unpredictably, and all husbands need to be very afraid.

The Archers on Radio 4 gives a better account of rural life than BBC News programmes, which are scripted with a fluffy, Labourite bias and have little contact with the real world.

Sleeping too much will damage the brain power of 50- to 64-year-olds as much as getting too little sleep.

Romiley News
ROMILEY NEWS
 

Cash Machine Causes Panic!!!

Nil Dosh!You go to the cashpoint, you draw out some money, you check the balance in your account . . . and it's NIL!!! At that point, any reasonable person would go into panic mode on the spot.
   Then reason returns. If someone had cleared out your account, he wouldn't have left forty quid for your withdrawal. He wouldn't have known you'd want forty quid. He'd have had the lot.
   The infamous NatWest computer system is having another tantrum and giving everyone a morning heart attack as part of its twisted sense of customer service. Ta, very much.

 CLIMATE NEWS 

More "Believe it or what?" stuff
Hurricanes given female names cause more deaths, one of these brilliant studies has found. Why? Because people think that something with the feminine touch will be less dangerous and they're more likely to swan about in the deadly storm and get their stupid self killed!

Something else to thank Europe for
A fortnight's rain in an hour on the first Saturday of the month! And why? It was caused by hot air from Europe colliding with our more reasonable air.

Go figure
The Met Office used to alarm us with the news that summers will be hot, dry and full of drought thanks to global warming. Now, we're being told to expect warm, wet summers with floods for the same reason. So much for the alleged experts and their consensus of "settled science".

 INFO NEWS 

Call this justice?
Google is drowning in the flood of requests for search censorship. Every criminal in Europe and all of its as-yet unconvicted dodgy politicians want to acquire a sanitized past, it seems, courtesy of the EU Court of InJustice.
The information will still be available via search engines which are not based in Europe.

Newark by-election results
The Tories held the seat with a halved majority, UKIP was second, Labour came 3rd with a significantly reduced vote and the Liberals were 6th, behind the Greens and a local-issue candidate, and lost their deposit.

It's only licence-payers' cash
The BSBC is sending 300 staff to cover the 4 days of the Glastonbury festival but only 272 bodies to cover the whole of the World Cup in Brazil – an event which lasts 4 weeks.

New career lined up.
Who says politicians never listen? The unwanted Milibandit has been scouting alternative career opportunities recently in the light of the public's refusal to imagine him inhabiting 10 Downing Street.
   His most promising offer has come from one of the American TV giants, which is considering a remake of the ever-popular Addams Family series. Red Ed has done a couple of camera tests and the studio's executives are almost convinced that he would be a worthy successor to John Astin in the patriarch's role. He is believed to be receiving coaching from an expressions expert to make his smile more "enjoyment of evil" and less "terminally constipated".

Well, who'd have thunk it?
Having accused UKIP supporters of being internettally illiterate, Labour posturer Chunky U has been dismayed by the flood of derision added by UKIPers to Labour's Facebook page.

 DOSH NEWS 

Ain't gonna happen
Sepp Blatter, president-for-life of FIFA, is being told to resign (again) in the midst of a shower of allegations of bribery and corruption over the award of the 2022 World Cup to Qatar, where matches would have to be played in summer temperatures of up to 50 deg.C.
England received just 2 votes when it bid for the same event, which demonstrates the futility of honesty and having a non-bribery policy on the international stage.
Most people we've asked were surprised that the event was bought using a secret slush fund containing as little as $5 million.

Voting to staying in the United Kingdom will be worth 295 free fish suppers to the Scots, Treasury Sec. D. Alexander has calculated.

Another Super European Deal
The European Central Bank has reduced its deposit rate to -0.1%. So money left in its "care" will lose value to inflation plus the bank's 0.1% fee for looking after it. Sounds like Gordon Brown has got a new part-time job.

The Evil Empire strikes back
The Putinocracy is behind campaigns by "environmentalists" to prevent recovery of Britain's underground gas and oil reserves by fracking, which is seen as a threat to Russia's gas sales to the West.

world news
 WORLD NEWS 

Junk your Juncker, or else!
Dave the Leader has been accused of blackmail over his bid to prevent federalist dinosaur J.-C. Juncker from becoming the next president of the European Commission. But as the accusation is being hurled by the man after the job, he can be drowned out with return cries of "vested interest" and "Euro-bloody-scrounger." Problem solved.
At the beginning of the year, Mr Juncker was obliged to deny that he has an alcohol problem after the Dutch finance minister described him as a heavy drinker.

One small step for a dictator
Russia is supposed to have withdrawn the potential invasion force of 40,000 troops, which has been trying to intimidate the Ukrainian government. Where they have gone became clear when the Ukrainians took back the airport at Donyetsk from insurgents and most of the dead on the bad guys' side turned out to be Russian citizens.

Sumo Sunset
Japan's national spot has been much tarnished by scandal in recent years, but there is an even bigger threat to its survival on the horizon. The rise in the number of Sumo Babies born to obese mothers threatens to create a world-wide bank of competitors, which could reduce Japan's status in the Sumo world to no more than that of an off-shore island.

Application of imagination
Thailand's military rulers think the best way to make their benighted country the “Land of Smiles” again is to give everyone a free haircut!

The D-Day + 70 Message
"We didn't fight off Nazi uniformity to drown in a grey sludge of European Union conformity."

One way to fill the Brown Hole
Hungary has sole half a million citizenships to non-EU citizens, most of whom will end up here on benefits.

Who Goes Home?
It's interesting that the Latins; Italy, Portugal and over-rated Spain; crashed out of the World Cup with England despite having superstars in their ranks. Looks like getting them to perform to order is far from easy, even with the biggest prize in football at stake.

Who should have stayed at home?
The Neil Pillock of Luxembourg has been installed as the next president of the European Commission by his drinking buddy Angular Meerkat. The accused has a track record of lying in office and Federalism. His admission to the Eurobunglers' Hall of Shame cum retirement home is seen as an essential first step to easing Britain out of the dying clutches of both the EU monster and Dave the Leader.

Home News
 HOME NEWS 
UK Flag

+ + + Labour claim of a huge rise in zero-hours contracts ends in humiliation + + + Labour Party and cheapskate Labour MPs found to be responsible for the biggest rise + + +

Out of touch? Moi?
Our weird Leader of Her Majesty's Opposition [But only because H.M. has no say in the matter. Ed.] doesn't read newspapers or watch the news on TV. He stays out of touch with what's happening here by getting his information from a US website, and he keeps up mainly with what's happening in the world of baseball.

Big beasts endangered species?
When told that K. Clarke is to be chopped at the next Cabinet reshuffle, most people express surprise that he's still in it, and feel sure that he will not be missed.
For the benefit of those who do not follow Clarkie's career, he's the Minister for Not Doing Anything Much.

"Okay, what can we say, Sarge?
Scotland Yard's Diversity Squad is thought to be preparing to prosecute everyone in the Monty Python team who was involved in the concept of the Knights who say 'Ni!'. Why? Because 'Ni' contains letters present in the word 'nigger'.
Police officers have been ordered not to tell customers that they have been nicked because 'nicked' also contains letters present in the word 'nigger'.

More racialism from Ofsted?
Ofsted has been accused of making rural schools, where the inmates are "too white", bus their kids to areas full of migrants so that they can be exposed to the ethnic experience and achieve multiculturality. Not to mention a higher Ofsted rating for their school.

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 WAR NEWS 
Obama Gaddaffy writes:

It's true but how dare you mention it!
It has emerged that Pres. Putin of all the Russias didn't disagree with anything that Prince Charles said in comparing Putin's sabre-rattling around Ukraine to the preliminaries to Hitler's annexation of the Sudetenland, Austria and former German territory in Poland. He objected only to Prince Charles exercising his right to speak his mind.

Now they all want some!
Following the publication of pictures of North Korean leader Kim Whatever's personal bodyguard, feminist soldiers around the world are demanding equality of opportunity. They all want to serve in crazy hats and killer heels, and they won't take no for an answer.
   A mouthpiece for the Ministry of Defence assured a BFN reporter that it remains an equal opportunities and widely diverse employer and that extraordinary uniform applications from all soldiers, regardless of sexual orientation, real or imagined, will be considered sympathetically.

World War Myth: It's not the EU, that monument to corruption and waste, which has preserved the peace in Europe for 69 years, it's NATO. And didn't the French quit NATO in a fit of pique? That probably has a lot to do with it.

We know who's to blame
The Labour party has chosen to pontificate about extremists taking over schools instead of getting down on its collective knees and apologizing for letting the scumbags responsible into the country in the first place. And putting in place, the 'uman bluddy rights laws which stop the government from evicting them. And, of course, there's no chance of Labour supporting the eviction of social undesirables to protect the 'uman bleedin' rights of the rest of us.

Some consolation
Mr. Mckay The Noo of the Daily Disaster seemed concerned in his column after the D-Day do's that Pres. Putin got the cold shoulder a bit. Well, the old poseur can always cheer himself up by counting the BILLIONs which seem to have leaked out of the Russian state coffers into his secret bank account.

Self-inflicted wound
It is curious that current and former bosses of the British army feel entitled to whinge about Defence cuts when they have effectively reduced the nation's fighting strength by over 30,000 bodies by letting that many soldiers get too fat to fight.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

Far Queue List

Far Queue symbol Tony B. Liar, who's trying to get himself made president of the European Commission again.

Far Queue symbol Defence Minister A. Soubry, who played the Brown Bigot card over migration and called voters who raise it as a problem "frankly racist".

Far Queue symbol Paddy Pantsdown and the police force which failed to harass him for threatening Lord Gropington with mutilation.

Far Queue symbol Clammity Clegg 'n' Clueless Cable if they expect us to buy their "best buddies in a pub" PR gimmick.

Far Queue symbol Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, the US soldier/hero/traitor/deserter whom Pres. O'Bummer swapped for 5 major Islamic terrorists.

Far Queue symbol Pres. O'Bummer for swapping one suspect hero for 5 major bad guys on bogus health grounds.

Far Queue symbol G.M., West Yorkshire and West Midlands Police, which won't uphold/make much effort to investigate allegations of discrimination against their officers made by (stroppy/obstructive/lying) members of the public.

Far Queue symbol The author Robert Harris, if he thinks the Mandelsleaze is the soul of plain living compared to anyone, never mind Tony B. Liar.

Far Queue symbol 2-Jags Prescott, if he thinks selling one of his Jags will do wonders for the enviromint and save the planet.

Far Queue symbol Pres. "Hitler" Putin @ the D-Day do's.

Far Queue symbol Prof. A. Glover, chief scientific advisor to the European Commission and Warmist, who complains about politics overwriting science, but who thinks that global warming will lengthen the daylight enjoyed by Scotland. [Explanations on a small postcard, pliz. Ed.]

Far Queue symbol Labour luvvie Y. Cooper, who's accusing home sec. T. May of breaking the ministerial code even though it seemed to be compulsory when Labour was last in government.

Far Queue symbol Dave "heir to B. Liar" the Leader and his Cool Britannia revival @ the taxpayer's expense.

Far Queue symbol Oxfam, for using taxpayers' cash to knock out Labour party propaganda.

Far Queue symbol The Greater Manchester Police Public Protection Unit, which seems not to have protecting members of the public very high on its agenda, going from the ordeal to which Mr. W. Crompton was subjected after giving his arthritic wife a pain-relief patch in her care home, also Det. Supt. J. Rawlinson, whose reported attitude beggars belief.

Far Queue symbol Price comparison websites (some of them) are a sham; they do secret deals with their clients and make the customer pay more.

Far Queue symbol That Japanese ref who did the opening match of the World Cup. Croatia wuz robbed!

Far Queue symbol The management of Ford open prison, West Sussex, which has left the front door open to let 90 absconders take a break from Her Majesty's hospitality. Could it be that the prison "service" is failing to do proper risk assessments of prisoners in case they breach New Labour's 'uman bluddy right requirements?

Far Queue symbol D. Monteith, dean of Leicester cathedral, who thinks his £2.5 MILLION bike rack is a fitting memorial for King Richard III, who is due to be reburied in the cathedral next year.

Far Queue symbol P. Pugh, the guy in charge of the passport office, has apologized for the delays his incompetence has caused but he doesn't consider it anything he needs to resign over.

Far Queue symbol That major benefits scrounger the BSBC, which tried to abolish Samantha, the imaginary score-keeper of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, a radio 4 programme which doesn't actually have competition and scores.

Far Queue symbol That wimpy Serb ref, who didn't book an Argie who hauled out a corner flag and hurled it to the ground in a fit of pique, and who actually took it upon himself to amble 30 yards to the corner to replace the flag instead of leaving it to the stadium staff.

Far Queue symbol Luis "Count Dracula" Suarez, the World Cup Biter. "It puts a whole new slant on 'I fancy an Indian tonight but if you'd rather have an Italian?'"

Far Queue symbol The jobsworth who gives taxi money to the 5-grand boob-jobster J. Cunningham out of the taxpayer's pocket because she's too hated to take a bus and too idle to walk.

Far Queue symbol E. Milipede claims that D. Cameron is the first prime monster to bring a criminal into the heart of Downing Street. Wrong! And this shameful ignorance comes from the leader of the party which put Tony B. Liar into Downing Street.

Far Queue symbol The Church of England has no plans to stop investing in wonga.

Far Queue symbol “Far queue, far queue very much!” – Frank Zappa.

The Far Queue: the traditional parking place for everything "not wanted on voyage".

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