Accuracy & Honesty? Not for us!
The UN's climate change panel has been warned to stop passing off mere speculation and crude propaganda as science. Recent 'reports' on what is happening to the climate have been as reliable as a Campbell dossier on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction, but as the UN is about politics and money rather than what is happening in the real world, this is only to be expected.
Something else which the UN might try is to address the real issues of climate change. The UN's present tactic is to pretend that the argument is about whether the climate changes, and to tilt at climate-change deniers. The sub-text, of course, is that if the climate changes, then humanity has to be responsible.
There is no argument about the fact that the Earth's climate changes. What is at issue is the false claims by the UN's usual suspects that they know how the climate works (they don't, and neither do their computer programmers) and they know how to change it.
Yet another issue is whether people really want these fraudsters messing about with the climate because (a) they are bound to make things worse and (b) they can't be bothered asking whether people want the climate changed. After all, the planet is long overdue for a plunge into another Ice Age, so a little warming is keeping that fate at bay.
When in trouble, zap the people!
China has an interesting way of fiddling energy-saving targets switching off the electricity supply on every third day. As a result, megatons of food in fridges and freezers spoils, people in hospital who need life-sustaining equipment croak, businesses close down, and there are no phones, TV, traffic lights, and everything else needing power. But at least the appalling waxworks are able to pretend that they are saving the planet.
Sir Cyril Smith, politician, 82
He was a man about whom "larger than life" never applied life always struggled to compete with Big Cyril. He was big in local politics in Rochdale, he was the Labour mayor in 1966, but he jumped ship to the Liberals and won the parliamentary seat in a by-election. He made a nonsense of the accusation that the Liberal party could fit into a taxi by being bigger than the rest of his party put together. He was a man who went with his own opinions, he was never lobby fodder in the Commons and he retained his seat for 20 years until he retired in 1992.
Redward Edward, the new Blessed Leader, has announced a return to Old Labour after denouncing the deviation which was the New Labour cult. So that means his party will be back to union power, supporting all strikes, policies of tax and waste on an even HUGER scale that G. Broon managed, making the Brown Hole in the economy even HUGER, the politics of envy, expanding the public sector to create an illusion of people doing useful jobs, etc., etc.
He transformed himself from Bernie Schwartz, a man who couldn't act, to a Hollywood star who could fake it. He was married 6 times during an off-stage life, which was as colourful as the part in which he made over 140 films, and he might have matched that score in affairs. Universal Pictures converted a guy with a thick New Yorker accent into one of the stars of Some Like It Hot (1959), Spartacus (1960), The Boston Strangler (1968) and a host of other films. Mr. Curtis also made a fair bit of money from his 'Matisse-like' still life paintings, and he established a horse sanctuary among other good works. He had a pleasing talent for self-parody, which was evident in his role in the TV series The Persuaders with Roger Moore.
Edwin Charles (E.C.) Tubb, 90
This prolific British science fiction writer had a career which lasted over 60 years. He had 130 books published, mostly space opera and science fiction adventures, and including his 32-volume Dumarest Saga. He has another book scheduled for publication next year and there could be another in the pipeline. He made a considerable impact in the science fiction magazine field, selling over 230 short stories to the likes of New Worlds, Galaxy, Nebula, Science Fantasy and Astounding/Analog. Like many of his contemporaries he became a science fiction fan before the war, and he remained active in SF fandom for many years.
The legacy of a decade of Brown meddling
The Income Tax mob have been playing with a new computer system, which doesn't work but what else is new? As a result, 1.4 million taxpayers are about to be told that they have paid too little tax to the collective tune of £2.1 BILLION while 4.3 million people will be told that they've paid too much tax; £1.8 BILLION in total, and it might take 4 years to repay them. Who says Gordon Brown was any good with money now?
The legacy of tax blunders from the Brown Era has blown up to 18 million cases dating back 6 years.
Who needs a job when there's the EU?
It used to be phantom olive groves which moved dosh from the pockets of European taxpayers to corrupt officials and mobsters. Now, Italian gangsters, particularly in Sicily, are "building" wind farms and bribing corrupt officials into paying them huge "green energy" subsidies for the phantom power "generated" by phantom windmills.
Puff and Nonsense
The president of the European Commission, J. Barroso, is using vast amounts of EU taxpayers' cash to keep a team of scriptwriters, journalists, photographers and TV producers available to polish his profile at every opportunity. He spends even more of our cash on keeping his website going, ghost-written blogs and self-promotional videos.
Other EU big-wigs are now lobbying for more taxpayers' cash for media staff to up their own profile in the same way.
A criminal waste of OUR money
The European Commission has spent a million quid of our money on training coppers from Gloucestershire, Hampshire, Hertfordshire and Merseyside to deal with the aftermath of a Richter 8.0 earthquake something which is geologically impossible in Britain as we are not located above any severely strained fault lines.
Saving what really counts . . .
Spending cuts forced by the Brown slump mean that police forces will sack 40,000 coppers, but the really important stuff will be protected. Like the West Mercia police service's plan to spend 3 MILLION QUID on a new driveway and gatehouse for its headquarters.
Bruvvers Demand Parity
Trade Union bosses. who are paid more than the prime minister with expenses that turn MPs green with envy, have their own envy/lust targets bankers. Which is why they are demanding parity with bankers salary AND bonuses and threatening to make Britain a darker, brutish, more frightening place if they don't get their money.
We can only hope that when they go and play on the nation's motorways as part of a civil disobedience programme, the Good Lord sends a 44-ton truck at them.
How useless can you get?
D. Hartnett, boss of HMRC, let Vodaphone off a £6,000,000,000 tax bill after the company broke tax-avoidance laws. No wonder Britain is bloody broke! Meanwhile, panto Dame L. Strathie, another HMRC bigwig, thinks the shambles over tax codes is the fault of the "customers", most of whom HMRC would refuse to accept if it were a proper company.
Mr. Bean, the deputy governor of the Bank of England, thinks everyone should spend their savings and max out their credit cards to make the economy boom. What does he think we are? A nation of Gordie Broons?
Disease of the month RAS Syndrome
The main symptom of Redundant Abbreviation Syndrome is a morbid urge to indulge in tautological addition of the word indicated by the last initial of an abbreviation. Notable examples include AC current, ATM machine, GUI Interfaces, HIV virus, the NASA Agency, Microsoft's NTFS file system, PIN number, RAM Memory, RISC computers, SAM missile and Lloyds TSB bank.
Jobs for the girls
The boss of Ryanair is thinking of ditching co-pilots as an unnecessary expense. If the pilot of one of his planes collapses, his Big Idea is to get the guy to buzz for one of the dinner ladies before he croaks, and she will then take over the right-hand seat and watch the plane land on autopilot.
When it comes to motor racing, the FIA has announced that match-fixing is okay, but only if Ferrari does it.
Which Pope will be visiting us?
Will it be His Holiness Benedict 16th? Or will it be Joey "The Rat" Ratzinger, who has condoned and covered up child abuse by Catholic priests for decades? The British public is entitled to know.
A Catholic think tank has come up with an interesting idea for papal visits instead of blowing millions of pounds on security, we should just wait to find out if it's God's will that the old bloke isn't bumped off!
Pope upsets Anglican church by using "state" visit as cover for recruiting drive.
Militant Protestants and victims of child abuse by RC priests outnumber and out-shout atheist protesters against the papal visit.
God is redundant, says Prof. Hawking
The world's most famous astro-physicist, and the author of the world's most unread book, had another to plug. Which is why he's saying that if there's gravity, matter can be created spontaneously and no theoretical creator with a down on the human race is necessary.
Representatives of the world's church organizations are insisting that their god invented gravity, but neither proof nor a patent number is on offer.
Pay our own way
Recent polls have revealed that 81% of British taxpayers don't think they should have to pay for the Pope's visit. Rather, the bill should be handed to the Roman Catholic church, Gordon Brown and Tony B. Liar.
New homes for old tosh
The Popular Front for Honesty in Political Memoirs has tasked its members with putting Mr. B. Liar's latest book on the right shelf in bookshops. Thus the "Journey from lies to lots of dosh" is migrating to Crime, Science Fiction and Fantasy & Horror sections or even to the Mills & Boon section.
The book is to be found among the toilet paper in branches of Asda.
"The Milipedes are the most compelling set of political brothers since the Krays."
Visiting Pope attacks Freedom in Britain
Atheists are like Nazis, says Benny 16, a former Youth for Hitler. He added that people shouldn't have the right not to believe in his god and communicate their non-belief to other people. And there's nothing wrong with child molesting if you cover it up properly.
Vote for Dave, get Ed!
Mr. Ed lost every round of the Labour leadership election except the last one. His brother won every round except the last one, thanks to alternative voting, which seems designed to elect the wrong candidate.
Walter Mitty rides again
The Broon propaganda machine is calling the B. Liar memoirs "trash" and "delusional". The latter is probably directed at Mr. Liar's claim that the proudest moment of his presidency was becoming the first man to set foot on the Moon, but single-handedly bringing peace and democracy to both Iraq and Afghanistan came a close second.
This quote could also be part of it: "It was a bumpy ride but saving the world from global warming made it all worthwhile. My only real regret is that Gordon was ever allowed to darken the door of 10 Downing Street as prime minister".
Too soon to tell!
The Ministry of Defence has denied that there are plans to share Britain's aircraft carriers with the French. Under the previous regime, this would have been an automatic admission that the story is true. But it's too soon to tell what the Coalition has done to New Labour's culture of lies in government.
Hatred, ridicule & contempt? She has that already!
The Wicked Witch of the West is demanding that the Mandelsleaze recalls his recent memoirs so that a chapter can be ripped out and pulped.
Apparently, the ignoble lord dared to report the contents of a poison pen letter sent to him by the WWotW, in which she trashed G. Broon (the guy who used to be prime monster after B. Liar got the sack; until he also got the sack). It seems that the WWotW is worried that people will think she's not a nice person if her attack on the Broon Bungler slides into the public domain.
Bad for some businesses
The egg and shoe industries have been done out of a bonanza by Mr. Liar's decision to chicken out of a book signing session at Waterstone's in London. Mr. Liar has become increasingly worried about being arrested by a posse of outraged citizens and shipped to the Hague to stand trial for his war crimes.
Mr. Liar is now planning to distribute his signed books by post from a secret bunker to keep the cash flowing.
Truth is bad for business
Red Eddie Milipede has been advised to pretend he's not a raving leftie nutter during the period of the Labour leadership election in the hope that it will win over middle-class votes.
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Just say NO!!!
The EU budget commissioner, J. Lewandowski, wants a 6% rise in the annual budget (currently £107 BILLION) and he also wants Britain to give up the residue of the Thatcher rebate, which Mr. B. Liar failed to surrender when prime monster. It would appear that Lewandowski needs to be told forcibly that there will be no reduction in Britain's rebate, and we will be paying 10% less than our current contribution until the EU gets its accounts endorsed by reputable auditors.
5 years of the EU's emissions trading scheme have made a great deal of money for spivs who bought "licences to pollute", and also for the politicians who received bungs, but the scheme has reduced overall carbon dioxide emissions by less than one-third of one per cent.
Bringing the world together
Religious and other bookshops around the world have reported a surge in sales ahead of International Burn a copy of the Koran Day on the 11th of this month, which was inspired by Pastor T. Jones of Gainesville, Florida.
Readers of theGrauniad might know the volume better as the Q'uor'n.
The sales figures are even higher in Europe where, under EU law, religious tracts of all denominations have to be burnt to avoid giving Islam an unfair advantage.
International Bung a Boot at Bliar Day
Make it every day the lying fraud dares to show his mug in public until he gets the message!
Sponsored by the Campaign for Decency in Politics