Jobs galore all of a sudden!
The Church of England has reported an unusual number of vacancies for vicars following a police purge. No sooner had the not-so-Rev. A. Brown of E. Sussex been sent down for running the world's biggest sham marriage scam than police officers all over the country were busting a gut to bust their own dodgy vicar as part of the Coalition's crack-down on New Labour's abuses of the immigration system.
Just what the bloody hell are they for?
Greater Manchester police made no attempt to follow thieves who stole 3 motorbikes worth £20,000 from a dealership in Altrincham because the thieves weren't wearing crash helmets and their 'elf and safety might have been put at risk if the stress of being chased had made them fall off the stolen motorbikes.
A jobsworth representative of higher management compounded the crime by giving a television interview, in which he blamed his "service's" culture of letting the criminal get away with it on the news media. Apparently, if no one reported how good the police are at sitting on their hands instead of doing their job, then no one would get on their case for being useless and public confidence in the police would be sky-high.
Is nowhere sacred?
A German who arrived at St. Pancras station on a Eurostar train with nearly €60,000 in his underpants has had the cash confiscated. The UK Border Agency intends to hang on to it unless their victim can offer a reasonable information for having that much cash on his person.
BlackFlag News would like to know what the UKBA was doing, rummaging around in a German visitor's pants in the first place.
The woman who dumped a cat called Lola into a wheely bin is now under police guard at her home. Not to protect other cats from her but to protect her from animal rights nutters, who have vowed to shove her into one of her own wheely bins.
Lies, damned lies and BT adverts
The Advertising Standards Agency has jumped all over BT for telling porkies about its broadband speed and faking demonstrations in its TV adverts.
Re: Returning to the scene of the crime after Asil Nazir, Lord Lucan?
Pockets picked, panic over
The World Health Organization has declared the swine flu pandemic over. In Britain, it had little impact other than on the nation's finances. Bungles at the Department of Health led to the Brown Regime splurging over £1,000,000,000 into the coffers of vaccine manufacturers for stocks of vaccine which were never needed. [And just given away free. Ed.]
The Pension Service is running a scam aimed at reducing the number of its customers and, therefore, reducing their burden on the nation. What happens is that pensioners get an official-looking letter printed on pale buff paper telling them what the amount of their pension will be. Only the amount quoted is some £25 per week less than the actual basic state pension. Result the pensioner has a heart attack and dies at the thought of having £100 per month less coming in with prices soaring. Cute, huh?
No wonder the country's broke, Part 99
Between 2006 and 2008, DEFRA blew £8.6 million on daft projects via its Climate Challenge Fund. The cash went on things like a climate change computer game, which no one wanted to play, telling South Asians in London, and groups elsewhere up and down the country, about the Labour view on climate change, paying for a solar-powered circus tent and trying to persuade WI members to buy the Great Global Warming Scam.
Meeting the demand
A restaurant planned for Berlin is hoping to find people who are willing to donate body parts for its Cannibals' Corner. All dishes will be prepared using traditional recipes from an Amazonian tribe with track-tested credentials in "Compassionate Cannibalism". The management also needs to recruit a surgeon willing to harvest the meat courses.
Germany is believed to host a considerable cannibal community, most of them non-practising.
Doomed, but not yet. And no need for an inquiry, chaps.
How did the convicted Lockerbie bomber do it? How did he get out of gaol and upset of lot of anti-British senators. Simple! A. M'Grahi refused treatment for his prostate cancer in Scotland, got himself declared terminal and eligible for early release and accepted the treatment when he got to Libya, knowing the government there would bust a gut to make it the best that money can buy. And that's why he's still alive and thriving one year after he was declared doomed.
A complete waste of time and money
The latest Freedom of Information Act releases from the Department of Health show that New Labour blew over £350 million on nanny state poster, TV and cinema advertising telling people to eat and drink less, exercise more and have safe sex. The result was a doubling of reported STD cases, and epidemics of obesity and drunkenness. Apparently, the Bliar regime thought that creating the impression that the government was doing something was better for the nation than giving the money to local health services.
A double plague on your house!
With the Mandelsleaze rooting for one Milipede and the Kinnock scrounger beating his drum for the other one, "None of the Above" is looking more and more like the best choice for the health of the nation.
Mr. B. Liar reckons Ed Milipede would be a disaster for Labour. Well, he'd know, having been there, done it and got the T-shirt.
Prince Charles reduces personal liability to Vince Cable's Leg Tax
on rich people
The lowest of the low
Gordon Brown has been ranked equal last with A. B. Liar and H. Wilson in a poll of post-war prime ministers. The shortness of his reign is seen as the deciding factor in Broon's failure to secure last place outright.
"Equality means what I want it to mean . . ."
Women receive disproportionately more than men from the tax and benefits systems, but that doesn't count as discrimination against men. Government cuts in the budget in response to Gordon Brown's destruction of the British economy, will affect women more because they get more of the cash, and that is discrimination against women. Go figure.
Brown Vacuum Explained
The reason has emerged why G. Broon has not been seen in the House of Common Criminals since his rejection as prime monster by a pissed-off British nation. Apparently, Gordo thinks he's worth $100,000 per speech, and no one is willing to pay it, especially if plutocrat-class air travel and hotel accommodation have to be included in the package.
Romiley welcomes careful drivers . . .
. . . but doesn't always get them. Just one day after 3 blokes were spotted messing about with the uncrowned lamp post on the new traffic island at the Stock Dove, the lamp post was a sawn-off, flattened wreck and a garden wall a short distance past the crossing had become brick rubble. Clearly, some people aren't paying attention.
Talking about paying attention . . .
No sooner had workmen installed the traffic island, new kerb stones and new paving along the Stock Dove's footprint than they had to rip it all up again. Someone had blundered and the gap between the island and the pavement was barely enough to pass a bus and other large vehicles. So the island has to be shrunk and the new paving has to be ripped up to make it a foot narrower on the Stock Dove side of the island.
Talking about paying attention II
Romiley's overtaxed residents are now asking why the council didn't just have a pedestrian crossing installed here. It would have been easier, quicker and a hell of a lot cheaper.
Anywhere but Russia!
Wildfires are burning out of control in a heat wave, 'secret' nuclear sites are threatened by forest fires, 700 people per day are dying of heat-stroke in Moscow and the morgues are overflowing, but the Russian government is in full Soviet denial, doctors are forbidden to record the real cause of death of the heat wave's victims, and the news media and blogsphere can't report the crisis. Plus ça change, and all that.
British troops who want to take a leave out of Afghanistan are having to spend their own money on commercial airline flights because the RAF's transport planes are old and past it, thanks to New Labour, and they keep breaking down.
No Fly Zone Postponed for now . . .
The union Unite has called off a bank holiday strike at UK airports to avoid embarrassment to the Labour leadership hopefuls, who get their election next month.
The Unite union is hoping its man E. Milipede wins, or that's lots of members' cash blown on a lost cause.
Anywhere but Boulogne!
Beaches around the French port have been closed after customers reported seeing a 9-foot crocodile doing a spot of surfing. The police immediately began checking zoos and private collections for escapes.
Most crocodiles inhabit tropical fresh water, and one which is swimming in the cold sea of the English Channel is likely to be very uncomfortable and positively snappy.
Panic over. The French authorities decided that people who saw the croc didn't have their specs on and it was just a piece of wood which looked like a crocodile from a distance.
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The age of miracles?
M. "The Assassin" Schumacher has actually admitted that he might have been in the wrong when he tried to force R. Barrichello into a wall at 190 mph during the Hungarian Grand Prix. Next thing you know, he'll be apologizing to all of the other drivers he shunted to gain an illegal advantage.
The road to disaster
The latest silly story about the Blair regime is that the parliamentary Labour party ganged up on the old war criminal and made him quit because his missus overstepped the mark big-time. As well as billing the party for her haircuts, she had the Downing Street nuclear bunker done up at vast expense to the taxpayer because she didn't like the decor. And that sent Blair's underlings into a permanent tail-spin.
Nothing wrong with a spot of cheating?
If members of the Harlequins rugby club think it's okay to have a bag of fake blood capsules standing by on the touchline to help players to cheat, how come the lot of them haven't been banned for life?
Bad, worse, worsest
Lloyds TSB is bidding energetically for the title of Britain's Worst Bank. The bailed out monster, which choked after swallowing HBoS at Gordie Broon's request, got 2,300 customer complaints PER DAY in the first 6 months of the year and REJECTED 90% of them. Strong contender the Royal Bank of Scotland currently receives 1,600 complaints per day but it ACCEPTS 80% of them as justified.
Is his journey really necessary?
The president of Pakistan offered to "educate Cameron on terrorism" after Dave had the bad manners to point out that Pakistan exports terrorists. But do we really need Con-Lib nutters racing round the world, killing people and blowing things up? Don't we already have the IRA for that?
p.s. Pres. A. Zardari is known as Mr. 10% because he takes a cut of all major government contracts and he spent 10 years in gaol facing corruption charges. So is he really the sort of person who can claim any moral high ground over our Dave?
Rising to the occasion . . .
N. Sarkozy, the French president, who stands barely over one metre tall, has rushed through a new law to make his lack of stature less obvious. Minimum height rules for police officers and bodyguards have been abolished and no one, including world leaders, will be allowed to approach within 2 metres of the ornate presidential box, on which M. Sarko stands when he is delivering a pointless speech or at a junket.
His wife has been trained, at great expense to the European taxpayer, in the art of sagging at the knees in public to avoid towering over her spouse.
Does Mr. Liar have a new PR guy?
The disgraced ex-prime monster, A. B. Liar, has decided to surrender the book-deal advance for his latest volume of alibis and fiction to the Royal British Legion for the care of troops injured in Mr. Liar's illegal wars.
The nation is being invited to consider the possibility that he might have a conscience, no matter how unlikely that seems. But no doubt some optimistic member of his vast staff has persuaded Mr. Liar that there could be a spot of redemption in it.
There are no indications that G. Broon will cough up the £2.73 advance on his next book, which is confidently expected to sell around 27 copies.
Grant Ehlinger <Grant752@wasitgood4u.co.uk> wrote in to say:
Why now? Why not when he started to write the book? Or when he finished it? Or when he got the advance? Is he trying to buy some goodwill before he's hauled back in front of the Iraq war inquiry to explain why he's not telling the whole truth or anything like the truth? The spin doctors might be talking about "out of the goodness of his heart", but goodness has nothing to do with it.
Stealth benefits war raging in HMRC & DWP?
There is an ethnicity war going on in the ranks of the government's tax collection and benefit payment wings. A number of staff at the Belfast office of HMRC have been caught in the act of rewriting files to make sure that people from ethnic minorities received reduced amounts of child benefit.
Something similar appears to be going on in the Department of Work & Pensions on the mainland. BFN has evidence that DWP staff in Cheshire are sending out letters announcing pension cuts of around 25%. The alarming letters always go to native white Britons and they bear a signature which clearly belongs to a member of an ethnic minority, indicating that pay-back is involved.
When challenged, the DWP was unable to provide a convincing explanation for why such letters would be issued. Such evasiveness is generally a sign that the government is trying to cover up either a terrible disaster or something shameful.
Will it take 70 years for the truth to come out?
The evidence to date about Iraq weapons specialist Dr. David Kelly's death confirms that: 1. he was murdered; 2. the Blair regime covered up the murder after the event and could have been involved before the event; and 3. the Blair regime prevented a proper inquest from being held by illegal means.
All that remains to be determined, Coalition willing, is: 1. who was paid off; 2. when the pay-off was made; and 3. what form the payment took.
One's too many now!
It has been said that, during a recession, we don't need 2 Milipedes in Parliament. And now that the Labour leadership race is hotting up, and Davey & Eddie are showing off their inner "Mr. Nasty", we're asking ourselves if we need any Milipedes at all.
For your information, young Eddie is in hock to Old Labour and the unions while Banana Boy worships in the church of New Labor at the feet of the Rev. Bliar.
One extreme to another
As a result of the hosepipe ban for the North-West, the National Weather Control Service has moved the jet stream further to the south, and it will be chucking it down with rain until November.
So watering the garden will be unnecessary, and anyone living in a low-lying area is advised to make sure that their flood insurance is paid up to date.
This warning applies particularly to residents of southern Scotland, whose flood-defences budget has vanished into thin air, much like Pakistan's, and northern England, where it was Labour policy to build house on flood plans and not provide a flood-defences budget.
Veslas, the world's biggest wind turbine manufacturer, went from profit to a €120 million loss in the 2nd quarter of this year. The credit crunch has cut the amount of cash available for subsidies to uneconomical wind farms, and made their power even less competitive than that from proper power stations. So expect a big increase in electricity prices in the near future when the Green nutters demand another squeeze on the taxpayer.
Help wanted, desperately!
President O'Bummer is in the market for suggestions for new scapegoats to distract unwelcome attention from his failings in office now that the BP thing is running out of steam. Apparently, most of the oil spilt into the Gulf of Mexico has gone and the expected major environmental catastrophe hasn't occurred. All suggestions to:
Deanna Gunn <mohawkTmohawk@lyricsty.com> wrote in to say:
"A showing of The Untouchables on Film 4 on the second Sunday of the month should remind us that the country which spawned Prohibition and organized crime has no mandate to lecture the rest of the world on how to conduct their affairs."
The EU's budget commissioner, J. Lewandowski, is proposing that the European Commission should be handed the power to slap a tax on anything which it thinks will raise lots of money, e.g. banking, air travel, breathing, etc. He also wants Britain to surrender the remainder of the Thatcher Rebate, which Blair 'n' Brown failed to give up.
The EU's accountants have refused to sign off on the books for 15 years in a row due to fraud and failure to keep a proper record of where the money went.
Some 10% of the EU's 2010 budget of €140 BILLION will vanish due to accounting lapses and theft.
Neil Kinnock, when an EU commissioner, fired the only EU official who was doing anything to stop the endemic fraud.
Leaps & Bounds
China has overtaken Japan and now has the world's second largest economy. If things go to plan, the Chinese government expects to be presiding over the world's top dog, economywise, before the end of the decade.
Sleight of Hand
President O'Bummer is running a cunning political ploy. He's getting America upset by endorsing the construction of a mosque next door to the site of the destroyed World Trade Centre in New York, America's only officially hallowed piece of ground. And while that row is going on, there's no mention of his failure to sort out the American economy and deliver his "Change we can believe in". Or, indeed, deliver anything much at all.
With regard to the spill of oil in the Gulf of Mexico caused by BP's American sub-contractors and regulation failures by the US government, The White House would like to issue the following clarification: "The number is 75%. We do not know if 75% of the oil spilt has gone or if 75% is still there, but the number is definitely 75%."
Nice to be proved right!
The big buzz at the end of the month was that Pres. Bush and PM Bliar are supposed to have conspired together in 2006 to keep G. Broon out of No. 10 because Bush had "grave doubts" about his fitness to be prime monster. Which just goes to show that they weren't complete political duffers after all.