Black Flag News
 
 2010/October 
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No. 10 Certificate of EndorsementEvery edition of BFN is compiled according to official guidelines on accuracy and veracity set by the Bliar Institute of Truth in Politics.

 FOODY NEWS 

probably crap
We always knew that these "probiotic" drinks were a means to extract cash to no great benefit to the purchaser. Surprise! The European Food Safety Authority has poured scorn on 180 claims made about probiotic ingredients, at great expense to Europe's taxpayers. It's the 'pro' in the name that's the giveaway. Proactive, probiotic, progressive – anything with 'pro' stuck on the front is usually all to do with jargon and con jobs, and nothing worth having in the real world and best avoided.

the Eatists are at it again
The nanny state Food Police are campaigning to put all beef and dairy farmers out of business. They would also like to ban imports of cocoa, coffee and tea in the name of saving the planet. The source of the agitation is the University of East Anglia, that notorious abode of Man-Made Global Warmists, where there seems to be totally unconcern about the increase in man-made methane, which is a "devastatingly powerful greenhouse gas", according to the anthropo-warmists, if Britain goes veggie.

 ISLAND NEWS 

jersey to host next Island Cop-Show revival?
A former 'customer' (left)
with John Doublet (right)
Hawaii Five-0 has been reborn as a "re-imagining" of the 1968 original – CBS broadcast the new pilot exactly 42 years to the day after the opening of the Jack Lord version. It is rumoured that Bergerac is about to receive the same treatment, with the first episode of the new version to be broadcast on October 18th next year – 30 years after John Nettles first appeared as Jim Bergerac.
   BFN has picked up a suggestion that the new series should star the retired Jersey police officer John Doublet, the man who was the blueprint for Mr. Nettles' character, and who has yet to receive the credit due to him.
    Mr. Doublet's long and eventful career will provide more than enough material to keep the team of scriptwriters very busy.

blink and you've missed it!
The Scottish Tourist Board was able to offer one of its Special One-Day Attractions this month – trips around the nuclear submarine. HMS Astute [There's a misnomer, if ever there was one! Ed.] obligingly ran aground on a shingle bank off the Isle of Skye and gave the locals, and trippers, an unplanned chance to Meet The Navy.

 MINING NEWS 

xmas comes early for trapped miners in Chile!
They went down on a normal shift in August and found themselves trapped 2,000 feet under the ground by collapsed tunnels. Pessimists warned that the 33 miners wouldn't be out much before Xmas but Plan B has rescued them over 2 months early, leaving them with that much extra time to come to terms with being unemployed.
Good news! Los 33 have all been offered new jobs by local employers, including the Bolivian miner, who has his president batting for him to win some popularity by association.

sorry is the impossible word for a politician!
Pres. O'BummerPresident O'Bummer is being invited to take a break from shrugging off the prospect of humiliating losses in America's mid-term elections to offer a grovelling apology to BP. An investigation has shown that it was the US defence contractor Haliburton which caused the disastrous oil well blow-out in the Gulf of Mexico.
   The company used cement, which it knew to be defective, for the seabed installations. But Mr. Pres didn't wait for the facts before launching a verbal assault on a company which is perceived to be British and therefore foreign and fundamentally evil.

 UNSPORT NEWS 

sky TV calls "Foul!!"
ESPN has been voted the worst sports TV provider in the UK for 2010. Sports fans who participated in the voting have given ESPN's record of dismal failure to show programmes at the advertised time as the main cause of their displeasure. Sky, which normally wins this award with ease, is demanding a recount of the votes.

cynical, or what!
The London branch of the fire brigade union is planning to start a 2-day strike on the morning of Bonfire Night now that New Labour has made sure that the army no longer has the means to cover for absent strikers.

 TRAVEL NEWS 

stretch limo

big government?
The British School of Motoring has had to buy a new fleet of cars after finding that the average Driving Standards Agency examiner is too HUGE to fit into the previous fleet of Fiat 500s.

any old excuse for a riot
France is closed at the moment while students and yobs are having an autumn riot season, attacking the police and indulging in arson, looting and mayhem. Meanwhile, the French unions are flexing their muscles by stopping air travel and bringing the railways and motorways to a standstill. The excuse is their government's plan to raise the retirement age from 60 to 62, but it's really just the French going bananas because they enjoy it.

big Bits in Big Apple
New York is suffering a tourist drought thanks to a plague of bed bugs, which are all over the place – in all the historic buildings, offices and shops as well as hotel beds.

 RED NEWS 

hungary makes the Danube flow red
A vast, dirty ditch of toxic heavy-metal sludge burst its banks at an aluminium plant this month. Three villages and several rivers were taken out on the first day as the tide washed toward the formerly blue Danube. People as well as fish died, but the Hungarian economy is not able to pay compensation as it has still not recovered from a long dose of communism.

liu Xiaobo 1, Waxworks 0
The Nobel Prize committee has upset the Chinese government by giving the peace prize to a human rights campaigner, who has none because he's in gaol on a trumped up charge of the sort scraped up in an oppressive communist regime.

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 DEPARTURES 

Sir Norman Wisdom, actor, comedian, vocalist, lyricist, 95

He created a character on stage, who was eager to help, over-enthusiastic, naive and always disaster-bound, and made 32 films featuring this character, which enjoyed world-wide success. The best place to see them was Albania during the Hoxha regime, where they were staples of cinema and TV, and the only Western films allowed. Mr. Wisdom had a talent for re-inventing himself, and was successful in serious acting roles. He won 2 BAFTA awards and he received a knighthood in 2000, five years before his formal retirement.

 DEPARTURES 

Linda Norgrove, aid worker, 36

This Scottish lady put herself in danger by taking a job involving helping people in a country full of criminals with automatic weapons and explosives in abundance. She was abducted by a criminal gang and died as a result of injuries sustained when a member of a US Special Forces rescue squad tossed a fragmentation grenade into the room where she was being held.

 DEPARTURES 

Benoit Mandelbrot, mathematician, 85

The man who unleashed a wealth of cool computer-generated images on the world spent his working life at IBM and Yale University. Building on the work of Gaston Julia, he was able to translate mathematical formula into visual images, using the power of computers, to create the now familiar fractals. These self-similar structures provide a systematic way of describing the complex and irregular shapes which appear in Nature, such as the shape of a tree, a cloud or a coastline. He found that very simple formula can yield extreme complexity, as explained in the 1995 Channel 4 documentary The Colours of Infinity, which spawned a book of the same name with a DVD of the TV programme included (with Arthur Clarke's name plastered all over it).

 DEPARTURES 

Stephen J. Cannell, writer and TV producer, 69

The man who gave us The A Team has gone to his reward. He began his working life in a family furniture store and sent TV scripts and ideas to local TV companies. When he sold a couple of Ironside scripts to NBC in 1970, he was away. He formed his own production company while writing over 1,000 episodes of various TV series, his credits included The Rockford Files and a whole host of cop shows, and he also found time to write 16 crime novels.

Home News
 HOME NEWS 
UK Flag

circular argument
The politically motivated strike of BBC staff, which was aimed at putting the Tory party's annual conference off TV screens, has been called off for political reasons so that the trade unions concerned can pretend that they are not politically motivated.

is it right that a married man on £44K with a wife who stays at home to look after the kids should lose his child benefit while a couple earning £87K between them keeps theirs?
Yes, because the working couple spends all of the wife's salary on child minders. [Which only proves you can provide a reasonable answer to any question going in the desired direction. Ed.]

cock Religions can be Official!
Jedi Knights are up in arms following the Charity Commission's official recognition of Druidism, a largely Victorian invention, as a religion eligible for tax concessions. They are reported to be gathering a fighting fund to go all the way to the European Courts of Human Rights and Appeal if they are not recognized as a religion of at least equal value, which has more members world-wide than the Druids.

jammy Olive complains that people don't understand him
Well, maybe his favourite celebrity cookista should learn to speak more clearly. [Or is it that people don't understand why he's such a twit? Ed.]

what Big Society?
If D. Cameron is really serious about putting the people in charge, he should let every family keep control of the £500 per year which the government showers on their behalf into the bank accounts of corrupt dictators among the usual overseas aid clients, and let each family decide how much it wants to give to India (to fund its space and nuclear programmes) and hand to China, which now has most of the money in the world.

Crime News
 CRIME NEWS 

the police 'service' New Labour wished on us
Why did the Metropolitan police 'service' need 59 firearms officers to lay siege to one drunk and crazy bloke in Chelsea and why did they need 100 guns to his one shotgun? Apparently, 7 of these 'marksmen' shot at the guy but only 5 of them hit him. So does that mean that the 2 who missed will get the sack? [No chance! Ed.]

another New Labour bargain
'Blunkett Bobby' PCSOs cost the nation £7.8 million per year and they clear up a total of 50 crimes per year and issue 122 fines. So that's £156,000 per crime and £64,000 per penalty ticket.

black squareTerrorist car bomb in Londonderry, no one killed, no arrests expected.

extortion not a crime in W. Midlands!
A 24-year-old man stole a designer dog and tried to extort £500 from the owner, who lives in Birmingham. Six detectives were involved in an ambush when the extortionist arrived. But after a token period of questioning, the criminal was sent on his way with just a police caution. How very New Labour!

prison governors up in arms
He might have been okay as a chancellor but K. Clarke is a flop as justice minister, says the National Association of Prison Governors. Why? Because Clarkie's efforts to keep criminals out of gaol (and in the community where they can continue to persecute decent people) will result in 6 main prisons closing for lack of inmates if they are allowed to continue.

oh, No!
In addition to dotty old judges, we now have a sub-stratum of dotty 'modern' judges, who see nothing wrong with bending the bail conditions of a prisoner on trial so he use his ticket for a TV show transmission.

a hundred strikes and you're out? Not even close.
The combination of 13 years of New Labour and a few months of K. Clarke as justice minister has been great for criminals. Some of them have collected over 100 convictions but done ZERO gaol time. Which explains why the British public now holds the courts, as well as the police, in such contempt.

do as much evil as you like and lie about it?
Google has taken about 6 months to come up with an explanation for why its spy cars collected by stealth, passwords, login details and other confidential information from unpassworded wireless networks. Rogue code in the system's operating software is the official excuse. You'd think they'd be able to come up with something half-decent after all that time.

 NEWS NEWS 

which planet are they on?
The BBC's politicized journalists are worried that strikes during the Tory party conference will make the public think there's an anti-Tory bias at the Beeb. As if demonstrating their bias every day of the week hasn't provided conclusive proof of leftie leaning.

some people reckoned 10/10/10 would be a lucky day
So I put £10 bets on 10 horses with the number 10 in their races. And they call came in tenth. Lucky for bookies!

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 DOSH NEWS 

billions to trillions
Britain's Brown Debt has now reached £1 TRILLION and it costs the same as the Defence budget to service the interest.

mr. Kettle upset with Mr. Pot
Britain's discarded prime monster, G. Broon is supposed to be blazing mad because the replacement Labour leader, E. Milipede, slagged him off for ruining the economy. It is not clear what Broon is upset about – whether it's because Milipede didn't buy the Broon fantasy that he's a financial genius or it's because Milipede was looking over Broon's shoulder at the Treasury while the wrecking was going on and he's not taking his share of the blame.

more Brown Economics
Man Utd., one of the world's richest football clubs, has racked up a record loss of £83.6 million because it has a serious MONSTER debt loaded on to the club by its American owners.

crocodile Season
Lots of usual suspects are wailing that the cuts needed to do something about the Brown Hole in the economy will hit only poor people. But how many of them are genuinely concerned for the poor? [0%. Ed.] And how many of them are the very people who profitted from Labour's profligacy with the taxpayer's cash, contributed to the Brown Slump and are now pretending that it's nothing to do with Labour? [100%. Ed.]

 WAR NEWS 

rewrite merchants
The Senate foreign relations committee in the USA is working hard to lay the blame for the release on medical grounds of Lockerbie bomber A. M'Grahi where it belongs. Probably on Pres. O'Bummer's orders, the committee is eager for evidence that lobbying by BP was responsible. And once this link has been established, the committee will go on to 'prove' that BP caused Hurricane Katrina, which took out New Orleans in 2005, and then the BP incited the 11th September terror attacks in 2001.

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world news
 WORLD NEWS 


cuts Hurt!
The president of Ecuador, which is broker than post-Brown Britain (if that's possible), had to be rescued by his bodyguards from rioting police, who tried to kidnap him as a protest against pay cuts. It's a safe bet that the pay of the bodyguards is safe!
   Half a world away, the Icelandic government, which presides over another Browned & broken economy, had to flee en mass from a mob which arrived at the state opening of the Icelandic parliament armed with eggs and shoes.
Why doesn't the French government raise the retirement age from 60 to 75 and give its gangs of lazy moaners something real to moan about?
It's a great pity, but you can be certain that any cuts in the British science budget won't be aimed at the rash of totally stupid and useless 'studies' of trivialities like the 3-year study by DEFRA under New Labour, costing £300,000, which 'proved' that ducks like rain.

This Month's Garbage

The Garbage

The management of Broomfield Hospital in Essex, which blew £421,000 on 'modern art' when the dunces were supposed to be looking for £40,000,000 in cuts.

Holding the Ryder Cup golf tournament in Wales, which is notorious for lots of rain.
[At least they didn't hold it at New Mills! Ed.]

npower, which has been told to repay £63 million to swindled gas customers.

The morons who told judges not to call gypsies "gypsies". [Persons of Traveller Heritage: Ed.]

A. Johnson, Labour's shadow chancellor, who reckons the Brown Hole in the economy is nothing to do with Labour.

The woman who claimed she gave a winning £113M EuroMillions lottery ticket to her husband, knowing he's lose it, and the 1,000 other people who bunged in "lost ticket" claims before the real winner turned up.

The council 'serving' Hailsham, East Sussex, where Council Tax is wasted on a Duck Warden, who harasses people who give the ducks white break instead of wholemeal.

The creeps at the BBC who are wearing last year's poppies before the Royal British Legion's official launch date for this year's appeal.

The Labour party's efforts to wish the country into a double-dip recession in the hope that it will make this bunch of deadlegs look good.

Harridan Harperson, the Saddam Hussein of mealy-mouthed political correctness, who thinks it's okay for her to call a Liberal minister a "ginger rodent" because her party lost the election.

The bin is ready and Mandelson.

 
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