2010/June    final	Every edition of BFN is compiled in accordance with official 10 Downing Street guidelines on accuracy and veracity.

WORLD CUP NEWS  We wuz fukin robbd! Now, we know why FIFA refused to allow instant replay. Now, we know why FIFA banned seeing-eye dogs from the pitch. Okay, England were rubbish (apart from the goalie) and the manager was rubbish, and the team deserved to lose 4-1 to the Jairmans (they were lucky it was only 4). But there is no excuse for such an abuse of fair play.    But no doubt Sepp Blatter [German, president of FIFA] is proud of himself.

CLIMATE NEWS    Overpriced and unreliable? Their performance in the winter of 2009/10 showed in dramatic fashion just how unreliable "renewable" energy sources are compared to proper power stations. A lack of rain and wind meant that the contribution from hydro- and windmill-power to the national energy budget was down nearly 8% on January to March 2009. Worse, gas-fuelled power stations have to be on standby to bride the gap when the renewables are having an off day, and Britain is now a net importer of gas now that the North Sea supplies have run down.

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GADGET NEWS  Overpriced and not very good The £500 Apple iphone won't work if it's held by the bottom left corner, as this puts the hand into contact with the metal aerial and confuses it. Apple's solution is to demand another 30 quid from the customer for a stick-on rubber bump to prevent the phone from being held in this way. A cheaper alternative is to apply an insulating coating of nail polish, or a strip of pvc tape.

DEPARTURES  Alan Plater, writer, 75 He had a long career in TV crime and dodgy doings, running from Z Cars and Softly, Softly via the Beiderbecke sequence to the current cop series Lewis. His TV successes also include the series Oh, No! It's Selwyn Froggitt, starring Bill Maynard and dramatized versions of the work of creative sources as diverse as Olivia Manning and Bill Tidy. He also wrote for the stage, radio and films, and fitted in to a busy life, journalism, writing novels and teaching.

HEALTH NEWS  Working out at home is best – Official! Forget joining a gym and putting your embarrassing body on public display. Doing enough housework to make the place look good is enough to get someone as fit as they need to be. Just like for junkies . . . A cup of coffee in the morning doesn't buck you up. All it does is bring a caffein addict back toward normal after a night of cold turkey, according to a study at Bristol University. Something else to panic about! The World Health Organization has issued a general warning about Mad O'Bama Disease. It is highly contagious and all new-labour-style politicians (all flash & no substance) are likely to contract it. Motorists are doomed! The latest official health scare is about Legionnaires' disease bacteria in windscreen wash-bottles. According to the Health Protection Agency, White Van Man, and all other motorists, could become extinct if they fail to add antibacterial screenwash to their wash-bottles and drive with their window open. Ring-fence the NHS for this?? According to the Medical Research Council, watching TV for 14½ hours per day is guaranteed to give you a lethal heart attack. A decade-long study has concluded that watching TV raises the risk of a heart attack at the rate of 7% per daily hour, and that if the national average for TV viewing could be reduced from 4 hours/day to just 1 hour/day, 30 lives per year could be saved. Which, compared to the 3,000 casualties on the nation's roads every year, is a bit of a drop in the ocean. The MRC reached the above conclusion from the premise that "the human body is not designed to sit for long periods". Which raises a couple of questions: 1. What if you're sitting in a room where a TV is on but you're not watching it – are you still doomed? 2. What about sitting down and reading – is that as lethal as watching TV?    No doubt the MRC is eager to spend another 10 years, and a few more millions of taxpayers' cash, finding out.

POWER NEWS    It's only our money The National Grid has to adjust the amount of power generated to match demand. The Grid is fed by conventional power stations, which are efficient, controllable and available around the clock, and wind farms, which are HUGELY EXPENSIVE and unreliable. In the past, the supply has been balanced using the conventional power stations, but now the Grid's operators want to pay HUGE subsidies to the wind farms for switching off their windmills when demand drops (and the wind is blowing). Not so much green power as just another racket.

NOSH NEWS    Another official shambles The Pope won't be at a state banquet, which will held in his honour during the papal visit in September, because . . . it goes on until after his bedtime! And the Queen won't be there because the guest of honour won't be there. So it looks like just a night out for the usual scroungers.

CLIMATE NEWS    Ski Scotland? No Problem! Scotland's mountain ski resorts have had their best season for 14 years, there are still areas of deep snow on the Cairngorms, and the ski tows and ski patrols are still in action. Which means that there will be summer skiing there for the first time in living memory.    So whatever happened to Global Warming? Africa should pay Sarf Efrica is busy claiming that Africa was the cradle of the human race and the World Cup belongs there. If the human race came from Africa, that means Africa should be held responsible for everything that human race does to the planet. Which means that Africa should pay for Global Warming as it's all their fault. Problem solved!

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT Lost . . . one set of marbles R E W A R D Would the finder please contact Mr. B. O'Bummer, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C., U.S.A. Tel. (001) 202-456-1111

CRIME NEWS  The public interest? Pull the other one! Why are the police in Cumberland wasting so much time and public money on inventing motives for Derrick Bird's massacre? Their job is to gather evidence, and to confirm that the people allegedly killed by Mr. Bird really were killed by him (and not someone else) for the benefit of the inquest. And that's it. Everything else is just pandering to the meeja and ghouls, and the egos of TV-spokesman coppers, and a complete waste of time. A change of heart out east Norfolk's chief constable is ditching the force's New Labour targets and also its meaningless slogan. Mr. P. Gormley has promised a return to common-sense policing. We'll see. [Next thing you know, he'll be resigning from the Association of Cheap Police Officers! Ed.] Something else we were wondering . . . . . . is when Pres. O'Bummer plans to release the names of the passengers on the airliners, which BP hijacked and crashed onto its hired oil drilling-rig to cause the Gulf of Mexico disaster. Not enough crime in Holland? The Dutch government is worried about falling down the European race crime league table, but it has a solution. The Ministry of Justice is deploying a fleet of "Decoy Jews" to entrap Moslems and boost the crime statistics.  • This tactic worked very well last year, when the Dutch MoJ unleashed a team of Decoy Homophiles on an unsuspecting population.

DOSH NEWS    Pretension Punctured A Swiss court has ruled that poker is a game of chance (just like roulette or playing a slot machine) to close down poker clubs, which weren't paying much in the way of taxes, and move the action to casinos, which have to pay a 50% tax on profits. Mean-spirited to the end The reason why Gordon Brown has not been seen since his rejection by the British electorate has been revealed. Realizing he was about to be booted out of office, he cut the prime monster's salary from £194K to £150K by stealth so that D. Cameron would not find out what had been done to him until after he took up residence in Downing Street. And that is why Brown was hiding in his bunker when Parliament reopened – he was too embarrassed to face Cameron across the chamber of the House of Common Criminals. Spanish Gestures In Catalonia, fruit machines bear health warnings and they switch themselves off if the customers play them for too long. This is part of an experiment aimed at cutting down on the amount of cash which Spanish citizens shove into shot machines; currently €300/year apiece. Some hope at last? Victims of American disasters are looking with new hope at Pres. O'Bummer's pledge to make BP pay for cleaning up the Gulf of Mexico. They see it not as a failing politician buck-passing but as a sign that America is now ready to "man up" and pay compensation for its calamities, like polluting Bhopal, toxic mortgages, etc., etc. No wonder the bloody country's broke The National Audit Office has just blown £82,000,000 on having its own offices done up while bitching about how much other government outfits have blown on their own refurbs. How very New Labour. Brit-bashing is the new last refuge of a scoundrel? Pres. O'Bummer would like BP to surrender billions of dollars, which will be stashed in a compensation fund in case the company goes broke. Curiously, the companies really responsible for the Gulf of Mexico oil spill are not mentioned in the scoundrel's rhetoric: Transocean (based in Switzerland), operators of the oil platform which blew up; Haliburton (US), which did the sea-bed cementing at the drill hole that didn't work; and Cameron International (US, no relation to our prime monster), which made the blow-out preventer which didn't work. How strange that these three are all so far below the O'Bummer radar. Suddenly, it's a brilliant idea No one took the Germans seriously when they said bankrupt Greece should sell off some of its islands instead of sponging on the German taxpayer. But now, it's an ideal solution and the Greek government is contacting zillionaires everywhere to ask them if they'd like their own private retreat. No wonder the bloody country's broke New Labour blew £20 BILLION via the NHS over the last 10 years on attempts to close the "health gap" between poor and rich . . . and succeeded only in WIDENING that gap.    New Labour also blew £1,200,000,000 on a swine flu epidemic that never was.

HOME NEWS  British Was Best Move over Mike L. Angelo. Robert Boyle, 17th century gent. and the inventor of chemistry is now being credited with inventing absolutely everything: transplantation, satellite navigation, cosmetic surgery, frankenstein foods, living past 40, flight with balloons and gliders, drugs to keep people awake, making giant people, the lot. Justice in Britain? No, thanks! Not here! If there were any justice in this country, Tony B. Liar would get the £200,000,000+ bill for the Bloody Sunday 'inquiry' and all the judges and lawyers who made money out of it would be hanged from the nearest lamp post for giving aid and comfort to Britain's enemies. Please Note . . . The Office of Budget Responsibility has been renamed The Office of Brown Reality. Conservative MP D. Ruffley was hit by a train at Victoria station on the 3rd Thursday of the month. The Metropolitan Police are ignoring the incident, a spokesman said.

ROMILEY NEWS    More spin from Stockport MBC The Trivial Dems running Stockport council claim they've done wonders for drainage in Romiley, but every good downpour confirms that the Triv.-Dems are to drainage what Gordon Brown was to the British economy.    An Olympic-size swimming pool forms at the bus stop at the Romiley Arms after a deluge. Another forms on the opposite side of the road, in front of the station. And it's the same story at every dip up and down Stockport and Compstall Roads.    It would be nice if our councillors did something to justify the huge salaries they pay themselves out of our Council Taxes. But if we're after public service, we're obviously expecting too much from the current breed of local councillors, who tend to show themselves with a list of imaginary achievements only when there's an election in the offing.

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TRAVEL NEWS    Going it alone EasyJet plans to install infrared scanners in an airliner to see if they let the pilot detect aerial volcanic ash clouds and avoid them. The air travel industry feels that it should not be bound by guesses made by the operators of the Met Office's notorious computer about when it is safe to fly, and do-it-yourself is the only way forward. If you're going to crash and burn . . . . . . the last place you want to do it is at the Texas Motor Speedway, as Simona De Silvestro found out during the IndyCar race at the first weekend of the month. Her car caught fight after a crash, TWO fire trucks arrived, and the bozos with the hoses just stood around, watching the struggle to get Ms De Silvestro out of the car INSTEAD OF PUTTING THE BLOODY FIRE OUT. The Americans seemed to take a very relaxed attitude to the whole business but it's impossible to imagine the same thing happening in Formula One. [We have some pretty outrageous 'elf 'n' safety laws in Britain, maybe they have worse ones in the USA and fire crews aren't allowed to go near a fire while it's burning. Ed.]

WORLD NEWS  Deutschland über Alles The Germans are getting fed up of being mugged by the spendthrifts of Europe (Greece, Ireland, Spain, Italy, etc.) and they're starting to insist that their government has to put German interests first for a change. Which could be the downfall of Kanzler Merkel, who glad-hands like a female Gordon Brown to keep herself right at the head of the trough.  • The German conscript army, which doesn't actually do anything, is in line for the chop. There's always someone more reviled than you . . . Tony Blair is now working for Col. Gadaffy. The Libyan dictator seems to have ignored warnings that his reputation would be tarnished beyond redemption if he associated with this war criminal as well as the Mandelsleaze. Playing politics is no substitute for leadership Pres. O'Bummer's popularity rating continues to decline. The latest group of disaffected Americans is BP shareholders, who have watched their investment sag to 60% of the pre-leak value thanks to O'Bummer's scape-goating and the failures of BP's American contractors – which seem to have escaped O'Bummer's notice.  • The US government's experts were against a halt to drilling in the Gulf of Mexico but the O'Bummer regime decided to ignore them to "justify" the attacks on BP. Things the World Cup has taught us 1. South Africa's contribution to world culture is a cheap horn which makes such a racket that conversation and coherent thought become impossible. 2. The rubbish teams play in the afternoon and the ones which play in the evening aren't much better. 3. Ronaldo still cheats and gets away with it most of the time. 4. ITV's internet broadcasts are rubbish; the picture keep stopping. Unnatural selection Pres. Sarko of France gets his staff to screen out all tall people before he visits a factory, or whatever, so that the TV record doesn't include people towering over him and underlining what a midget he is.  • At present, no one over 5' 2" tall is allowed to work at the French presidential palace.

Doubling Capital Gains Tax to the level the Liberals want. Cameron 'n' Clegg skiving off work to take the kids to school and tuck them in bed. Haven't these toffs heard of staff? The Food Standards Agency, which is run by a former New Labour minister for the benefit of the Frankenstein foods industry at vast expense to the British Taxpayer. Ex-minister A. Ingram, who has been obliged to admit lying to the House of Common Criminals from 2003 onward. Suffolk county council (Cons.), which has hired a £700/day spin doctor "to save money". E. Balls, G. Broon's former bagman, who is now banging on about immigration policy failures after being responsible for them in office. Santander of Spain is officially the worst bank of all time in terms of the number of customer complaints. Its new acquisitions in Britain are going the same way. Abbey has been rubbish for years while Alliance & Leicester and Bradford & Bingley are now adopting the parent bank's worst practices. Pres. O'Bummer saying he'd fire T. Hayward, the boss of BP, if he were working for him provokes 3 reactions: 1. Typical bloody politician, picking a scapegoat to draw attention from his own failings and those of his administration, and 2. THAT from a bloke who wouldn't be given any sort of management job at BP! Plus 3. Pres. O'Bummer has turned into Gordon Brown with a sun tan. Labour politicians who whine about being blamed for everything bad when it was New Labour which created everything bad in Britain. Tameside council, which wants to fine dog owners £1,000 for having a lead longer than 6 foot eight inches. PM D. Cameron's failure to stand up to Pres. B. O'Bummer's hypocritical, anti-British bitching at BP. The Saville report; nothing new, a partial and partisan appeasement of the IRA and a total waste of £200 million by New Labour. The inmates of the House of Common Criminals, who are demanding taxpayer-funded credit cards for their expenses. The ref for USA versus Slovakia. The notion that the mindless vuvuzela noise has anything to do with Sarf Efrican 'heritage'. The ref. for Australia versus Ghana. C. "Family Values" Huhne, the multi-millionaire Lib. MP, who used his family shamelessly during the election campaign while planning to ditch his wife and shack up with his former press officer. President O'Bummer moaning at BP boss T. Hayward for going yachting while Mr. hypocrite Pres. skived off for 5 bloody hours, playing golf. The ref for Chile versus Switzerland. The ref for France versus South Africa. Portugal's cheats versus Brasil's no-hopers. The crew of blind Uruguayan refs for England versus Germany. Andy bloody Murray, the tennis player, with his stupid mouth wide open. Justice Minister K. Clarke's assertion that prison doesn't work. If it keeps thieves and thugs from ruining the lives of proper people for a while, it works. The medal and the hundred thousand bucks Tony b. Liar got from those idiots across the Atlantic for "bringing liberty to the world". Sheesh! What sodding planet are they on? The NatWest bank, which has decided to keep the miserable few pennies per month, which it used to pay as "interest" on its current accounts. The bin is still ready & Mandelson page top Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression. Sole © RAL, June 2010.