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TOTAL SCAMMOLOGY SYSTEMS Inc. presents: Computer Tonic® 2.39
Computer Tonic® is a program which turns any personal computer into a personal health spa. Many people suffer discomfort as a result of long hours spent at a computer.
HOW IT WORKS
Computer Tonic® Users Claim:
Computer Tonic® runs in the background behind all other applications with any version of Windows from Windows 98 on. 250 Mb of free hard disk-space required.
Full details from: Romiley PC Ware, 31, Riverside Drive, Romiley
This disease of cattle & sheep is transmitted by midges invading from across the Channel, and it is widely seen as a divine judgement and yet another consequence of the labour party's failure to secure Britain's borders.
The government is making a song and dance about taxing air travel to save the planet, but it's just a con job designed to rip people off for no good reason. How do we get to this conclusion? Well, the Earth's major greenhouse gas is water vapour, which accounts for 95% of the heat retained in the atmosphere; or Atmospheric Thermal Capacity. Carbon dioxide from all sources provide 3.6% of the ATC and carbon dioxide from human sources provides just 0.28% of the ATC..
That obvious, huh?
"Bugger off, brown, and leave our milk alone!"
Baggage not wanted on voyage
Some Uncomfortable Evidence
BOOK OF THE MONTH
The excellent hardback book is yours for just £19.99 / €34.49 plus NO VAT because we don't believe in it.
A jury in Manchester has decided that putting labour minister margaret hodge in handcuffs is not a criminal offence. Currently MP for Barking, hodge has a long history of ignoring and covering up child abuse during her previous career as a local councillor, as the defendants in the case pointed out. The 2 Fathers4Justice members were both surprised and delighted by the verdict, which restored a tiny amount of faith in the sanity of the court system.
What the hell are they for any more?
He's in another hole!
Lots born every minute!
An outfit making fake £20 notes has been sent down after the police found their printing equipment and about half a million pounds in funny money at their base in Glasgow.
Too stupid to live?
Dr. Crippen is Innocent, OK?
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
New on the World Wide Web This brilliant resource which exposes Nigerian-type 419 scams, bogus lotteries & job offers, phishing attempts and much, much more!
The lady who played the lustful and good-humoured Miss Moneypenny in 14 James Bond films has died at 80. Born in Canada, Lois Maxwell came to England with the entertainment wing of the Canadian army. She met Roger Moore, a future James Bond, at RADA before heading for Hollywood, where she won a Golden Globe award as Most Promising Newcomer in 1948. Her co-stars included the likes of Shirley Temple and Ronald Reagan. She then made a series of British B-feature films; mostly crime films.
From January 2008, retailers will not be able to restock with 150W incandescents. 100W bulbs will go in 2009 and 40W bulbs in 2010. But be warned, some supermarket chains are planning to abandon incandescent bulbs in favour of dimmer, vastly more expensive fluorescents much sooner.
The man who gave the nation TW3 and satire (a.k.a. a thinly disguised assault on the Tory establishment) has died at 76. He produced plays, including half a dozen by Keith Waterhouse, TV programmes and radio shows, and he has been a fixture on Radio 4 for the last 2 decades with his arty Loose Neds programme.
The man who wrote most of the theme tunes for BBC series currently on offer on digital TV has died at 79. The Last of the Old Fellers (a.k.a. Plastered On Summer Wine), Are You Being Served?, Yes, Minister, Morse, To The Manor Born; you name them, he wrote them. He had a talent for being able to produce a theme tune quickly, and make it something became accepted as entirely appropriate.
There is a 6-week consultation period, in which the people who use these post offices can try to save them, but it is likely to be another labour party sham. The 'consultation' period used to be 12 weeks but the government decided that if it wasn't going to listen anyway, there was no point in dragging things out for 3 months.
He lied about the Queen storming out of a photo session when he knew that the material had been cobbled together in the wrong order. "He saw nothing wrong with TV faking things and his head came off in a swirl of bogus moral indignation," an insider commented. His boss could also face the chop for her part in the general flight from the truth at the BBC.
Too old to rock 'n' roll, too young to die; that was the situation for Sir Menzies Campbell, who was sacked from his party's leadership after 562 days. At 66, and even older than scotch gordon, he was deemed too much of a dinosaur by ambitious juniors, who blamed him for a disastrous slide in the opinion polls. He did okay at his party conference but he went from Ming to Minger in a day when the rats started revolting.
The deaths of over 90 patients from the superbug C. difficile on his watch ensured the departure of this top man in the Maidstone & Tunbridge Wells hospital trust. He blames the government's targets for taking his attention away from the job of ensuring proper hygiene in his hospitals, but he could face criminal charges for his gross negligence.
The government scam to sell of the frequencies used by analogue TV services has begun. By 2012, everyone in the country will have been obliged to stump up for digital TV via a set-top box and a new aerial, cable or satellite. Meanwhile, the government is at it behind the scenes, flogging off the redundant airwaves to its mates and setting up a parallel scam with analogue radio, foisting vastly inferior digital audio onto a nation used to high-quality VHF radio.
The writer, broadcaster and former Punch editor has died at 69; an age which begs one of his jokes. He was a bright lad from humble origins, who could have become an academic if he had not been seduced to a career on the humorous side of life.
The creator of Boysie Oakes has died at 80. The Liquidator was the first of John Gardner's 50+ works of fiction and the first of 8 featuring a guy who was as crap at being a secret agent as he was at getting his end away. Mr. Gardner wrote 2 excellent books featuring Professor Moriarty in the 1970s. Those still waiting for the 3rd member of the trilogy will be relieved to learn that it was finished just before the author's death and it will be published in due course.
LOST & FOUND
Lost : one bottle. Finder please contact scotch gordon, 10 Downing Street, London SW1. Not much chance of a reward.
Petrol is up 2.35p/litre this month thanks to scotch gordon. It's his final present to the motorist from when he was Chancellor. The actual budget increase is 2p/litre, but there's VAT to pay on it in line with the labour party's policy of piling tax upon tax.
Making a bog of things again
Conspiracy theory No. 1
"Nah, mate! It's still on target."
A different type of swindle
This must be what they're calling 'brown economics'
This must be what they're calling 'brown economics' II
At least one grabber's history
The rump Home Office is dropping a promise to catch more serious criminals. Why? because the split-off Justice Ministry, prop. jack 'have-a-go-hero' straw, doesn't have enough prison places for an influx of deserving customers.
Pants on fire but he don't care!
Halloween goes green!
Conspiracy theory No. 1
Conspiracy theory No. 2
Monkey see, monkey do
Plastered On Summer Wine
Whose dosh is it anyway
What's the problem?
A reader asks: "We still haven't filled in the bogus survey which our MP sent out. Does the fact that the prime monster bottled out of calling a general election mean we don't have to bother now, as Mr. Stunnell won't be bothered about getting himself noticed until 2009?"
Searching for a better deal
The Japanese Grand Prix was held at the soggy Fuji International Speedway, where the late James Hunt won his championship 31 years before. The organizers started the race, with rookie championship hopeful Lewis Hamilton (British) on pole, behind the safety car. Every team, and the commentators, were told that the cars had to be wearing Xtreme wet tyres.
Hard Cheese all round!
The Department for Transport's latest gimmick is a 20 mph for residential areas. But the DfT's own statistics show that the rate of fatal or serious accidents is 17% in 20 mph zones as opposed to 13% in 30 mph zones. But as the DfT has a long history of falsifying statistics, especially to prove that speed cameras are for saving lives not just extracting cash from motorists, no doubt the accident rate numbers will be swapped around 'accidentally' in the near future.
The clunking fist went to Iraq during the Tory party conference for a stunt with a sleaze level at least as high as anything pulled by his predecessor; you know, that bloke who's been air-brushed from labour history in the last few months. Once he'd taken his photo-opportunity, the clunking fist announced that 1,000 troops would be home for Xmas. Fine, except that he should have done it in Parliament, not on a political stunt, his government had already announced the return of 500 of the troops and 270 were already back home.
Will he, won't he bottle out?
A cunning plan!
Cop for this!
There are so many Poles in Britain that their prime monster & the leader of his opposition are coming here to try to fire up the faithful as their general election on October 21st approaches. Apparently, Britain has become 'a crucial Polish constituency'.
One scam scuppered; there's bound to be another on the way!
How do they know?
Fistometer : one careful owner, hardly used. Would suit someone making early preparations for the 2009 general election.
All genuine offers considered
Apply: Romiley Electoral Materials, 42b, Riverside Avenue.
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