Black Flag News
 
 2007/October 
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ARRIVALS
  Bluetongue Disease

This disease of cattle & sheep is transmitted by midges invading from across the Channel, and it is widely seen as a divine judgement and yet another consequence of the labour party's failure to secure Britain's borders.

CLIMATE NEWS
  Messing about with bugger all

climate change sloganThe government is making a song and dance about taxing air travel to save the planet, but it's just a con job designed to rip people off for no good reason. How do we get to this conclusion? Well, the Earth's major greenhouse gas is water vapour, which accounts for 95% of the heat retained in the atmosphere; or Atmospheric Thermal Capacity. Carbon dioxide from all sources provide 3.6% of the ATC and carbon dioxide from human sources provides just 0.28% of the ATC..
   The amount of carbon dioxide released by the British is 2.3% of the total human release and if we all stopped breathing and generating carbon dioxide by other methods, that would reduce the ATC by a massive 0.0064%.
   Just 6.3% of the UK's carbon dioxide emissions is due to air travel, which means that banning all UK air travel would reduce the ATC by 0.0004%. Which is neither here no there. And any politician who tries to tell you different is a bloody liar.
UpdateThe Cement industry, especially in China, is getting a kicking for being responsible for 5% of mankind's carbon dioxide releases, or around 0.014% of the ATC.

climate change sloganThat obvious, huh?
Al Gore's Oscar-winning piece of propaganda about global warming is so full of holes and alarmist exaggeration that even a British judge can spot the garbage. As a result, if it is to be shown in British schools, it has to be accompanied by 'guidance notes', which provide a warning about its lack of credibility and its blatant wrongheadedness on the science front.

climate change slogan"Bugger off, brown, and leave our milk alone!"
Everyone knows that UHT stands for Ultra Horrible Tasting when applied to milk. So consumers everywhere are telling the government, in no uncertain terms, that they want to keep their fresh milk and they don't want UHT foisted on them on bogus environmental grounds.
   "Take your UHT and shove it where the sun don't shine, mr. broon!"

climate change sloganAlibis, alibis!
We don't live in an obesogenic environment, we're just surrounded by greedy people as a direct result of new labour's sustained campaign against the concept of personal responsibility for one's own actions.

climate change sloganBaggage not wanted on voyage
The scotch gordon regime is taking the opportunity to slide overboard some unrealistic targets set by the b. liar 'smug bugger' regime.
   Operators of wind farm scams are in line for amputation of their public funding as some of the science penetrates thick government skulls and ministers realize that they aren't the way forward, they won't save the planet and they'll cost BILLIONS more to build and run than 'always on' power stations.

climate change sloganSome Uncomfortable Evidence
Ski resorts in Austria opened for business at the end of this month, and they are expecting abundant snow during the winter. So does this mean that global warming is over? Or will the climate con-men just dismiss it as a glitch?

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Non-Crime News
NON-CRIME NEWS
Justice 4 Fathers4Justice

A jury in Manchester has decided that putting labour minister margaret hodge in handcuffs is not a criminal offence. Currently MP for Barking, hodge has a long history of ignoring and covering up child abuse during her previous career as a local councillor, as the defendants in the case pointed out. The 2 Fathers4Justice members were both surprised and delighted by the verdict, which restored a tiny amount of faith in the sanity of the court system.

hierWhat the hell are they for any more?
Police forces around the country have ducked out of an operation to make life difficult for Vietnamese drug growers, who have been forced out of the London area by the Met. Why? Because they were told that targetting Vietnamese criminals is racialist and they could end up in hot water with the race relations industry and having to go on the government's waste-of-time diversity courses.

hierHe's in another hole!
The clunking fist thought that upgrading cannabis from Category C to Category B would make him look good, but the labour lie machine has already cobbled together numbers to 'prove' that cannabis consumption went down after it was downgraded and trivialized. The police ignoring people smoking and selling dope also helped to push down the official consumption figures.
   So what is the clunker to do now? The right thing, i.e. upgrade and expose the lie? Or nothing to spare himself even more embarrassment?

hierLots born every minute!
The Office of Fair Trading reckons that 500,000 people in Britain fall victim to lottery and other scams every year, and the industry is worth £320 million per annum. Which is why our grabbing prime monster has set a task force of consultants on the job of working out how to tax the profits from these scams.

Crime News
CRIME NEWS
Forgery gang goes to gaol
(probably for about 10 minutes)

An outfit making fake £20 notes has been sent down after the police found their printing equipment and about half a million pounds in funny money at their base in Glasgow.
   The prosecution gave the court a big thrill with its estimate that the gang could have made dodgy banknotes at a rate of £2 million per day and it could have destabilized the economy. As this is the government's job, they had to be stopped.
   The gang leader got 6 years & 4 months, and is expected to serve about a couple of years inside if he's very unlucky. 5 accomplices also got free board & lodging from Edinburgh's High Court.

hierToo stupid to live?
According to Scotland's favourite newspaper, the Office of Fair Trading reckons that 10% of Brits have been daft enough to give cash to email swindlers of the sort exposed on the Crooks In Action website. Which only goes to show that there will always be people who fall for something which is obviously too good to be true.

hierDr. Crippen is Innocent, OK?
Harvey Crippen, a petty pharmacist and hen-pecked husband, was hanged partly because the prosecution 'proved' that remains found in his cellar belonged to his wife but mainly because he did a runner with his mistress. But DNA examination of samples retained for the last century has proved that, whoever the dead woman was, she wasn't Cora "Belle" Crippen.
   As a result, Dr. Crippen's conviction will have to be declared unsafe and he will have to receive a posthumous pardon. Which will allow his surviving relatives to sue the British government for MILLIONS in compensation! Eager lawyers are already sharpening their pens and licking their lips in anticipation.

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DEPARTURES

Lois Maxwell

The lady who played the lustful and good-humoured Miss Moneypenny in 14 James Bond films has died at 80. Born in Canada, Lois Maxwell came to England with the entertainment wing of the Canadian army. She met Roger Moore, a future James Bond, at RADA before heading for Hollywood, where she won a Golden Globe award as Most Promising Newcomer in 1948. Her co-stars included the likes of Shirley Temple and Ronald Reagan. She then made a series of British B-feature films; mostly crime films.
   The role which typecast her lasted from 1962 to 1985. During this period, she also appeared in the odd TV episode of The Saint with Roger Moore, and The Persuaders, which starred Mr. Moore and an American called Bernie Schwarz. When the Bond bubble burst, Lois Maxwell continued to work in films & TV but without making the same impact.

DEPARTURES

Incandescent light bulbs

From January 2008, retailers will not be able to restock with 150W incandescents. 100W bulbs will go in 2009 and 40W bulbs in 2010. But be warned, some supermarket chains are planning to abandon incandescent bulbs in favour of dimmer, vastly more expensive fluorescents much sooner.

DEPARTURES

Ned Sherrin

The man who gave the nation TW3 and satire (a.k.a. a thinly disguised assault on the Tory establishment) has died at 76. He produced plays, including half a dozen by Keith Waterhouse, TV programmes and radio shows, and he has been a fixture on Radio 4 for the last 2 decades with his arty Loose Neds programme.
   He is recognized as a trail-blazer who gave a break to a lot of comedy writers. Up Pompeii with Frankie Howerd was another of his gifts to the nation. Mr. Sherrin even found the time to write musicals and plays for the theatre when not directing and producing with his trade-mark laid-back style.

DEPARTURES

Ronnie Hazlehurst

The man who wrote most of the theme tunes for BBC series currently on offer on digital TV has died at 79. The Last of the Old Fellers (a.k.a. Plastered On Summer Wine), Are You Being Served?, Yes, Minister, Morse, To The Manor Born; you name them, he wrote them. He had a talent for being able to produce a theme tune quickly, and make it something became accepted as entirely appropriate.
   After studying at the Royal Military School of Music during his National Service and working for Granada TV, Mr. Hazlehurst rose through the ranks at the BBC and became head of music for the light entertainment section in 1968. He also served as the musical director of the Eurovision Song Contest on 3 occasions and conducted 7 British entries (for which he has been forgiven).

DEPARTURES

The first 215 of 2,500 post offices

There is a 6-week consultation period, in which the people who use these post offices can try to save them, but it is likely to be another labour party sham. The 'consultation' period used to be 12 weeks but the government decided that if it wasn't going to listen anyway, there was no point in dragging things out for 3 months.

DEPARTURES

Peter Fincham from the job of Controller of BBC 1

He lied about the Queen storming out of a photo session when he knew that the material had been cobbled together in the wrong order. "He saw nothing wrong with TV faking things and his head came off in a swirl of bogus moral indignation," an insider commented. His boss could also face the chop for her part in the general flight from the truth at the BBC.

DEPARTURES

Ming the Ancient from the job of Liberal leader

Too old to rock 'n' roll, too young to die; that was the situation for Sir Menzies Campbell, who was sacked from his party's leadership after 562 days. At 66, and even older than scotch gordon, he was deemed too much of a dinosaur by ambitious juniors, who blamed him for a disastrous slide in the opinion polls. He did okay at his party conference but he went from Ming to Minger in a day when the rats started revolting.

DEPARTURES

James Leff from the job of chairman of the M&TW NHS Trust

The deaths of over 90 patients from the superbug C. difficile on his watch ensured the departure of this top man in the Maidstone & Tunbridge Wells hospital trust. He blames the government's targets for taking his attention away from the job of ensuring proper hygiene in his hospitals, but he could face criminal charges for his gross negligence.

DEPARTURES

Analogue BBC 2 TV from Cumbria

The government scam to sell of the frequencies used by analogue TV services has begun. By 2012, everyone in the country will have been obliged to stump up for digital TV via a set-top box and a new aerial, cable or satellite. Meanwhile, the government is at it behind the scenes, flogging off the redundant airwaves to its mates and setting up a parallel scam with analogue radio, foisting vastly inferior digital audio onto a nation used to high-quality VHF radio.

DEPARTURES

Alan Coren

The writer, broadcaster and former Punch editor has died at 69; an age which begs one of his jokes. He was a bright lad from humble origins, who could have become an academic if he had not been seduced to a career on the humorous side of life.
   He was one of the fixed points of the Radio 4 series The News Quiz after it shed its worthy beginnings and began to take the mick out of current events. Here, he prolonged World War Two by pursuing the Germans relentlessly and railed against the absurdities of life in ways which stopped the show with waves of laughter.
   He also found time to write 20 books when he wasn't writing thousands of newspaper pieces, and to become a travel writer on the specialist subject of Cricklewood, where he lived for 3 decades.

DEPARTURES

John Gardner

Books by John Gardner

The creator of Boysie Oakes has died at 80. The Liquidator was the first of John Gardner's 50+ works of fiction and the first of 8 featuring a guy who was as crap at being a secret agent as he was at getting his end away. Mr. Gardner wrote 2 excellent books featuring Professor Moriarty in the 1970s. Those still waiting for the 3rd member of the trilogy will be relieved to learn that it was finished just before the author's death and it will be published in due course.
   Mr. Gardner was approached by Ian Fleming's heirs and wrote 16 updated James Bond books over a period of 20 years. But he was much happier writing grittier spy thrillers containing his own characters, particularly those featuring 'Big' Herbie Kruger.

LOST & FOUND

Lost : one bottle. Finder please contact – scotch gordon, 10 Downing Street, London SW1. Not much chance of a reward.

DOSH NEWS

The brown legacy . . .

clunking coinPetrol is up 2.35p/litre this month thanks to scotch gordon. It's his final present to the motorist from when he was Chancellor. The actual budget increase is 2p/litre, but there's VAT to pay on it in line with the labour party's policy of piling tax upon tax.

hierMaking a bog of things again
The government has got its Ministry of Defence computer system into a tangle. As a result, hundreds of troops haven't been paid for anything up to 3 months, missing mortgage, rent and other payments. Naturally, the government cobbled together some numbers to prove that the problem is so trivial as to be almost non-existent instead of doing anything useful.
   Members of the Royal Marines have even more reason to feel hacked off. The MoD has reneged on a promise made a year ago to give them a £3,000 bonus.

hierConspiracy theory No. 1
Why was the chancellor (a.k.a. him with the eyebrows) so mad keen to prop up the Northern Rock bank, which is based in solid labour territory in the North-East? Because the bank gave him and most of the parliamentary labour party their mortgages.

hier"Nah, mate! It's still on target."
Saying the cost of the Olympic stadium has doubled is "grossly misleading", insists John Armitt, chairman of the Olympic Delivery Committee. If the estimated cost is now £496 million, that merely reflects the magnitude of the £280 million lie told in London's bid document.

hierA different type of swindle
Following the revelation that ITV made £11 million from voting scams involving TV competitions and premium rate phone-ins, the government is looking for ways to get in on the act. Taking money off people and not giving them anything in return has always been labour party policy, particularly during scotch gordon's Decade of Shame at the Treasury. Thus his present puppet chancellor, a.k.a. him with the eyebrows, has been ordered to carry on swindling the British public in new ways, and some sort of government phone-in competition scam is looking a worthy successor to Stealth Taxes.

hierThis must be what they're calling 'brown economics'
The government has 'streamlined' 3 quangos covering disability rights, racial equality and equal opportunities into a single a superquango called the Equality & Human Rights Commission. The three midgets used to cost the taxpayer a total of £48 million per year. But the 'streamlined' superquango will cost £78 million. Spit the bones out of that!

hierThis must be what they're calling 'brown economics' II
It's time again for the nation to gasp in horror at the size of MPs' expenses, and the obvious lies they've been spared because they don't have to provide detailed accounts of how they managed to do things like sent out 800 letter per day. The total claimed by the Westminster Wonders has gone up 5% on last year's grab when inflation, according to the lying government, is only 1.8%.

hierAt least one grabber's history
Sir John Bourn, head of the National Audit Office, has been embarrassed out of office by revelations of his own excessive expenses claims. He blew the best part of £400,000 over the last 3 years. Which, come to think of it, is cheaper than most MPs.

Home News
HOME NEWS
UK FlagRats fighting in a sack?

The rump Home Office is dropping a promise to catch more serious criminals. Why? because the split-off Justice Ministry, prop. jack 'have-a-go-hero' straw, doesn't have enough prison places for an influx of deserving customers.

hierPants on fire but he don't care!
On the Monday after he bottled out of calling a general election because of unfavourable poll numbers, bottler gordon showed his true character. When confronted at that day's press conference, he told lie after lie. All his talk about 'new politics' and an end to spin was exposed as flim-flam. scotch will tell any lie to justify his blunders and he's not bothered whether anyone believes him. So much for the listening labour party!

pumpkinHalloween goes green!
Pumpkins will be in short supply for Halloween. A wet summer gets the blame. Worse, they may also have a distinctly green colour if suppliers are unable to warm them up to make them ripen to their normal 'politician's TV make-up' orange.
   And they'll cost more.
   There is a suspicion that the Church has been interfering by praying for rain in a bid to make Halloween less scary. The religious establishment seems to have no problem with Americanization, but scariness is definitely out.

hierConspiracy theory No. 1
Q. Why has the Guardian suddenly started noticing the defects in its revered labour government?
A. Because it's stuffed with blairites with a get-brown agenda.

hierConspiracy theory No. 2
The KBG is seeking to destabilize Britain by bribing members of the government to do stupid things and tell transparent lies, and also by funding separatists with a union-splitting agenda. And they're trying to deflect attention from what they're up to by accusing MI-6 of doing the same in Russia.

hierUnwelcome comparison
Relatives of the late prime minister Neville Chamberlain are up in arms because a Commons committee has compared our teenage foreign secretary to the Great Appeaser while discussing the boy miliband's handling of the latest EU treaty.
   The boy miliband and scotch gordon are both currently lying their respective heads off, saying a treaty which contains 98% of its material is nothing like the much rejected EU constitution – although the boy miliband has admitted that scotch's much vaunted red lines are good for only 5 years, and when they are exposed as worthless, the dour old curmudgeon will be enjoying his £120K pension and have shuffled off the political scene.

hierMonkey see, monkey do
In line with the government's policy of no one is every to blame, no one at ITV will be sacked for ripping off phone-in contestants for £8 million.

hierPlastered On Summer Wine
The prospect of some bloke called Clegg taking over from Ming the Merciless as the leader of the Trivial Democrats is stirring the imaginations of the fans of The Last of the Old Fellers. In particular, working which Triv-Dems are the equivalents of Compo, Foggy, Norah and all the others.

hierWhose dosh is it anyway
Why is the government promoting post offices in TV adverts and trying to make us believe they're dead good when it's closing down a further 2,500 of them?

hierWhat's the problem?
Why are we supposed to be surprised to learn that MPs evicted from the House of Commons are unemployable in the real world?

Romiley News
ROMILEY NEWS
An empty political gesture

A reader asks: "We still haven't filled in the bogus survey which our MP sent out. Does the fact that the prime monster bottled out of calling a general election mean we don't have to bother now, as Mr. Stunnell won't be bothered about getting himself noticed until 2009?"

hierSearching for a better deal
HM Inspector of Constabulary has assessed the UK's 43 police forces. The results make depressing reading for Romiley residents. Bedfordshire was in solitary last place, declared almost totally useless. Greater Manchester Police, our service provider, was just one place higher. As a result, Stockport Council is being urged to give the local policing contract to the neighbouring Lancashire force, which came joint top with Surrey.

SPORTS NEWS
Cheating makes you deaf?

The Japanese Grand Prix was held at the soggy Fuji International Speedway, where the late James Hunt won his championship 31 years before. The organizers started the race, with rookie championship hopeful Lewis Hamilton (British) on pole, behind the safety car. Every team, and the commentators, were told that the cars had to be wearing Xtreme wet tyres.
   Curiously, the Ferrari cars came out on standard (intermediate) wet tyres, Massa proved how unsuitable they were by spinning off the track, and both cars had to go into the pits to change to Xtremes just one short jump ahead of a black flag for being a danger to the other drivers.
UpdateLewis Hamilton is being subjected to a trial by fans' video and blamed for making Webber & Vettel crash behind the safety car in Japan.
UpdateThe FIA, a.k.a. the Ferrari International Assistance organization, has decided to do nothing after Hamilton threatened to quit Formula One and deprive it of the income associated with having a golden boy on the books.

Brett Favre, Green Bay PackersCONGRATS!!!
To Brett Favre of the Green Bay Packers for passing Dan Marino's record of 420 career touchdown passes. Numbers 421 & 422 against the Vikings in week 4 of the NFL season made him the new record-holder.
   No Congrats to the bad Favre for his 2nd half Monday Night performance against the Chicago Bears. Someone who's been playing in the NFL for 17 years shouldn't be allowed to do dumb things which would get a rookie either benched or sacked.

hierNo Congrats
to the Formula One scriptwriters. Making Lewis Hamilton slide off going into the pits in China because he'd been left out too long on decaying tyres to give Raikkonen and Alonso a chance of winning the title in Brazil was positively lame.

hierHard Cheese all round!
Not a good month for the sporting Englishman. The football team is more or less out of the World Cup, the rugby team finished 2nd in their World Cup and a spluttering McLaren car left Lewis Hamilton runner up in the F1 drivers' championship in his rookie year, which is still bloody good going.
   A much better script would have been Hamilton and Massa colliding and both going out at the first corner in Brazil, then Raikkonen and Alonso colliding at the last corner of the race, and both going out, to let Hamilton inherit the title in truly dramatic fashion.

travel
TRAVEL NEWS
No brainer at all!

The Department for Transport's latest gimmick is a 20 mph for residential areas. But the DfT's own statistics show that the rate of fatal or serious accidents is 17% in 20 mph zones as opposed to 13% in 30 mph zones. But as the DfT has a long history of falsifying statistics, especially to prove that speed cameras are for saving lives not just extracting cash from motorists, no doubt the accident rate numbers will be swapped around 'accidentally' in the near future.

WAR NEWS
No more spin? Or "Is it brown or is it bliar?"

Screw IraqThe clunking fist went to Iraq during the Tory party conference for a stunt with a sleaze level at least as high as anything pulled by his predecessor; you know, that bloke who's been air-brushed from labour history in the last few months. Once he'd taken his photo-opportunity, the clunking fist announced that 1,000 troops would be home for Xmas. Fine, except that he should have done it in Parliament, not on a political stunt, his government had already announced the return of 500 of the troops and 270 were already back home.
   Still, maybe the shameful episode shows signs of a slight improvement in scotch gordon's honesty level. He has a record of announcing the same thing up to 5 times during his reign as chancellor. Maybe we're lucky he wasn't promising to bring 5,000 troops home for Xmas. Or even in time to vote for him in a snap election.

The FistomererWill he, won't he bottle out?
As our prime monster dithers and wonders if he dares call an autumn general election, knowing that he could lose if he's brave and he'll cop for the derision of the nation if he chickens out, BlackFlag News unveils an important election tool. Replacing the Swingometer, the Fistometer charts scotch gordon's performance in purely pragmatic terms.
   BFN's graphic animator wishes to announce that should scotch bottle out, he'll be highly pissed off if his work fails to receive the proper level of appreciation.

The FistomererA cunning plan!
The Tories have hit on an interesting tactic for the pre-election positioning [posturing? Ed.] – they announce something dramatic and when the labour lot rubbish it on cost or some entirely spurious grounds, the Tories turn round and say that everything was based on official government figures. So either the government is lying with its numbers or the labour rubbishing is just spin.

hierFlim-Flam Exposed
The 70 US military personnel who were 'disciplined' for flying nuclear weapons around by accident seem to be victims of unreasonable weapons paranoia. The episode proves that those involved were able to move nuclear-tipped cruise missiles safely and without all the usual hoo-haa, which has exposed as a waste of time and money, like most military rituals.

hurricaneCop for this!
US hurricane researchers reckon they are close to working out how to steer a hurricane by showering it with soot. The plan is to divert it away from a collision with a major city and, preferably, keep it out to sea.
   Once the control mechanism has been perfected, the next step is to work out how to steer the hurricane to Iran and make the whole process look like something which can be blamed on global warming.

world news
WORLD NEWS
Reduced to just another region?

There are so many Poles in Britain that their prime monster & the leader of his opposition are coming here to try to fire up the faithful as their general election on October 21st approaches. Apparently, Britain has become 'a crucial Polish constituency'.

The EU better out than inOne scam scuppered; there's bound to be another on the way!
The EU cap on tariffs for mobile phone calls within Europe becomes mandatory this month. The robber barons of the networks can charge no more than 38p/minute for outgoing calls and 19p/minute for receiving calls.

hierHow do they know?
Organized crime is said to be the biggest business in Italy as it has an annual turnover of €89 billion. But where's the evidence for this? Are we supposed to believe that the Mafia, the Camorra, etc. file tax returns? Or is it just the Department of Guesswork at it again?

The Fistomerer

FOR SALE

Fistometer : one careful owner, hardly used. Would suit someone making early preparations for the 2009 general election.

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This Month's Garbage

The Garbage The Princess Di inquest and whoever gave it a budget of £10 million of taxpayers' cash for the 6-month waste of time.

bottler brown's early election and his reasons for ducking out of it.

Any pretence of originality, or accuracy of forecasting, in the chancellor's pre-budget report.

Rose Gibb, ex-chief executive of the Maidstone & Tunbridge Wells NHS Trust, who's in line for a payout of well over £250,000K after 90 patients died of superbug infections in her filthy hospitals because she put reaching government targets above basic hygiene.

Everyone at the Department of Health for letting the M&T shambles occur.

The unsackable Sir John Bourn, the auditor general to the government, who has blown £400,000 of taxpayers' cash on living it up over the last 3 years.

A Nobel peace prize going to Al Gore for his contribution to bad science and global warming scams.

Letting the board of directors which drove the Northern Rock bank into the ground stay on after a takeover.

The Bollux of the Month Award goes to the latest medical fad, which insists that drinking 2 glasses of wine per day is harmful.
UpdateThe bloke who came up with the government's safe drinking limits of 21 units/week for men and 14 units/week for women has admitted that they're just numbers plucked out of the air by the Department of Guesswork.

Slough Borough Council, which banned the bonfire from its annual Bonfire Night fireworks show on bogus environmental grounds.

 
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