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To Brett Favre of the Green Bay Packers for catching up with Dan Marino's record of 420 career touchdown passes with most of a season left.
To Casey Stoner on becoming the youngest ever MotoGP champion, and the world's most marketable Aussie, by finishing 6th in Japan and well ahead of Valentino 'The Doctor' Rossi.
Joan of Arc was a schizophrenic peasant, who heard 'the voices' and was used by the French aristocracy to front a campaign against the English at Orleans. She was discarded when she had served her purpose and burned at the stake by the English using wood bought from local French merchants.
The official kilogramme, a 1,000-gramme lump of platinum/iridium alloy kept in a safe at Sevres, near Paris, is getting lighter for an unexplained reason. As the official kilogramme is defined as the weight of this object, the French police are investigating the possibility that size zero models have been filing bits off it in an attempt to make themselves seem heavier when they are weighed for a Catwalk Eligibility Certificate.
The Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency has launched a serious Moon mission consisting of a main orbiter weighing 3 tons and a pair of 50 kg satellites. The main orbiter will circle the Moon at 60 miles up while the satellites map previously uncharted regions at the lunar poles.
"The Clunking Fist, the Listening Ear, the Big Fake Grin of a good ol' boy, the Sparkling Teeth of Perfection; our prime monster seems to be projecting himself as 'this week's body part'; a strategy which can result only in his ending up as The Dickhead with egg on his face."
"No surprise that the Bank of England talked tough then bailed out the Northern Rock bank when it found itself recklessly over-extended. The bank is based in the North-East and surprise! That's traditional labour party territory. And which sort of government do we have at the moment?"
"One thing you can be sure of; under labour's culture of rewarding failure, the Northern Rock's directors are in line for STONKING big bonuses in the near future."
"The Ferrari International Assistance organization has fined the McLaren Formula One team £50 million for benefitting from espionage and surprise! They've awarded the constructors' championship to Ferrari. But then, the FIA has a history of dodgy deals in the interests of the brand and giving to Ferrari and its drivers what they can't achieve on the track."
"That promise to bail out Northern Rock was the sort of promise you make knowing you'll never have to deliver on it; like 'I'll give you a million quid if I win the lottery.' And if the worst came to the worst, Northern Rock depositors would find that they'd have to produce 47 bits of ID and a court order to go with a claim for their cash, and knowing the speed governments go at when they're not paying cash to cronies, anyone over 30 would be long dead before any cash was delivered. "
"What happens when the prime monster 'takes charge' of a crisis? We get a pompous announcement that he's having a COBRA meeting to make it sound dead important. Then nothing. The crisis; foot & mouth, flooding, a dodgy bank collapsing, whatever; just rumbles on until it runs out of steam. And we all sit back and wait for the next bit of political posturing."
"The bin will be a good enough place to keep them in, as far as I'm concerned."
"Watching Downfall (the final act of the Third Reich Show) on Film 4, I was stuck by the strong similarities between Mr. Hitler and our own current führer. Like Hitler, the clunking fist is living in his own version of history where everything went right instead of wrong, the economy is strong instead of built on a mountain of debt and, with everything crashing in ruins about his ears, he continues to build grand visions of what his Reich will be like after a few local difficulties have been sorted out."
The first lady Beefeater in the whole history of the universe joined the gang at the Tower of London this month, providing a further attraction for tourists to photograph. She has 22 years' service in the army under her belt, including postings to Northern Ireland and deployments 'abroad'. Although officially on the strength at the Tower, she has a 6-month script-learning period ahead of her, so she won't be able to do guided tours until next February.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer (him with the unlikely eyebrows) works at 11 Downing Street but lives at No. 10 as a routine precaution against assassination, which means that his cat is free to explore the domain once ruled by Humphrey, the last official Downing Street Cat. His reign was brought to a premature end by the Wicked Witch of the West, the appalling wife of the previous prime monster. Luckily for Sybil, Mrs. Broon is a better human being.
The Met Office would like us to believe that we have just had the wettest summer in the whole history of the universe as part of the government's programme of climate-change scams. But hold the call to the Guinness Book of Records. The Met Office's records go back only to 1914 while weather historian Peter Eden has data going back to 1727, and he can cite 15 summers which were wetter than 2007's.
Drought? What drought?
It's always all about the money
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The police are to be sent out with ticket machines and pocket computers to make it easier for them to issue £80 fixed-penalty tickets to minor criminals. At present, only half of these fines are paid. So the government has set the nation's police services the target of doubling the number of tickets issued by 2010 to bring fixed-penalty revenue up to the right level.
Another brilliant idea bites the dust
Back in 2002, Sir Derek Wanless persuaded the then Chancellor of the Exchequer to spend lots more money on the NHS. Some bloke called scotch gordon broon then dreamed up a whole mess of stealth taxes and flung £43,000,000,000 of other people's money at the NHS.
Another brilliant idea bites the dust
"Don't panic, Mr. Mainwaring!"
Falls over in amazement!
A nice little earner!
The greatest tenor of his generation has died at 71. His career as an operatic performer began in the early 1960s and reached its peak a decade later. When he was chosen to perform Nessun Dorma as the theme tune of the 1990 World Cup, he achieved a rock star's world-wide recognition. Three Tenors gigs with Placido Domingo & Jose Carreras followed, and 'popera' performances with the likes of U2 and Sting.
A casualty of the MRSA and Clostridium difficile++ epidemics, the traditional sparkling white labcoat is to be replaced by scrubs with short sleeves to prevent the spread of disease via cuffs. Ties are also out, as are watches and items of personal jewellery which interfere with the doctor's ability to wash his/her hands properly between customers.
The man blamed for re-inventing the mime character 60 years ago has died at 84. He was the only mime working in Europe in 1949, he became an international superstar after a successful tour of the United States in the mid-1950s and now, there are places in California where you can't move for mimes. None of whom paid their inspiration any commission. Which is probably why the poor bloke was still working until well into the 21st century.
1. argumentativo [n, Portuguese (context: legal)]
2. Hemdheber [n, German (context: pejorative)]
3. Fauxbia [n, (context: medical)]
The government is stealing £60 million from the lottery funds, which would should have gone to museums, etc., to waste on the 2012 Olympics. That's in addition to the £233 million stolen in previous smash & grabs.
No one is to blame
brown bogs it up again
Ming might be good for something, after all
Dream on, you big clunker!
Sleaze-buster in action
The European Union's plan to make Britain abandon all of its traditional weights & measures has hit the buffers. Pints, feet & inches, gallons and furlongs are to remain legal 'until kingdom come' [an expression calculated to upset Jihadistas]. Which is one in the eye for all the labour Quislings, who tried to make the European establishment's grotesque obsession with sameness happen in his country.
Bank call centres are using caller ID technology to decide when to respond to the customers' need to talk to someone. Poor people from bad postcode areas are shunted to the back of the queue. So if you spend 20 minutes listening to crap music, or if you're shunted off to India, it's your own fault for not being posh enough.
Merseyrail is determined to continue to be the only train operator which persecutes yobs of all ages if they persist in wiping their dirty boots on train seats. 240 criminals have already been dragged to court and the company is fixing to smite another 600 of the ungodly in the near future. Good for them!
Never mind boots, too big for everything!
You ain't goin' nowhere in a hurry!
The Chinese army is doing its best to hack into every computer in every government department in Europe and the United States . It's all to do with a campaign of sabre-rattling by the appalling waxworks of the Chinese communist party, who are jockeying for position in the new leadership line-up.
We're still not bothered!
Time Marches Backwards, Comrades!
The European Commission wants to let in 20 million migrants from Africa and Asia. No thoughts on where to put them, of course, or their gangs of dependents.
We thought you'd like to know
Rhodesia was the bread-basket of Africa under British rule
Nice deal for the lawyers
Peruvian Who Dunnit!
How to get the result you want
"There's an 0800 freephone number to call and the booklet arrives the next day. Amazing!"
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