Black Flag News
 
 2007/August 
  FINAL
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No. 10 Certificate of EndorsementEvery edition of BFN is compiled
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A READER RANTS . . .

This equation should be taught in all math classes! From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
   What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
   We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top!

If I may add one more equation:
W-H-O Y-O-U K-N-O-W
23+8+15+25+15+21+11+14+15+23 = 170%

R.F.

CLIMATE NEWS
  We're all doomed!

climate change sloganThe Climate industry is currently locked in competition to come up with the most blood-curdling consequence of climate change. Complete melting of the Greenland ice cap and a rise in sea levels of 7 metres is top of the pops this month. Loss of one or more the Amazonian jungle, the west Antarctic ice sheet and the Thermocline current (which controls the Indian continent's monsoon and the Gulf Stream) runs a close second.
   The big advantage for the climate doom-merchants is that their potential disasters all lie some 300-1,000 years in the future, so that they will be long gone and forgotten when their catastrophes don't happen.

climate change slogan"We were just a few fractions out, guys!"
NASA has been caught out by a Canadian serial blogger. He has forced the space agency to admit that it has been delivering bad science via its claim that things are suddenly getting hotter in the 21st century.
   NASA's list of the hottest years was based on faulty assumptions. After some recalculation, it has promoted 1934 to the USA's hottest year ever (displacing 1998), and admitted that 5 of the 20th century's hottest years occurred before 1934. Just one of the warmest years of all time (2006) now falls in the 21st century, not most of them as the Al Goristas would have us believe.

climate change slogan"We were just a few fractions out, guys!"
A study by the World Land Trust and Leeds University has found that the consequence of switching to biofuels will be to release over the next 30 years, 2-9 times the amount of carbon dioxide which would have been released by fossil fuels.
   Carbon trapping in forests makes more 'climate sense' in this context but Brazil, Indonesia and the other hosts of major forests are all busily hacking them down to get in on the great biofuel crop scam.
   Which only goes to show that all this climate change stuff is about money not saving the planet.

climate change sloganAll talk and no substance
All those plans to pump carbon dioxide from power stations into North Sea oil fields have gone south. The theory was that the carbon dioxide would be taken out of circulation while the increased gas pressure would force more oil out of the ground. Shell has just decided that its plan isn't commercially viable and BP junked its scheme in May.

climate change sloganMore reckless spending by a stupid government"
The brown regime is paying huge subsidies to cowboy companies, which are building wind farms in areas where there isn't sufficient wind to make them viable. The cowboys exaggerate the electricity generation potential by up to 50%, they cop for the cash, the government pretends to be meeting its renewable energy target even though only 20% of wind farms 'work' and the taxpayer loses. But what else is new?

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

www.Crooks In Action.co.uk

New on the World Wide Web – This brilliant resource which exposes Nigerian-type 419 scams, bogus lotteries & job offers, phishing attempts and much, much more!
CLICK HERE to find out what email miracles are on offer.

If this is so bloody new, how come there's stuff that's been on the website since 2002? Ed.

Crime News
CRIME NEWS
A sign of the times?

It may just be your reporter's cloth ears, or it may be a product of scotch gordon's budget cuts, but there appears to be a statement-issuing organization called The Association of Cheap Police Officers around.

climate change sloganA change of business plan
The Mafia, the local criminal gang at Naples and all sorts of other bad guys have been accused of setting fire to woodland in Italy and Greece to clear building land. The Italian government thought that it could frustrate its domestic gangsters by forcing the woodland to be replanted, only to find that their bad guys have moved into the reforestation business and expanded it to include carbon offsetting scams.

weatherThe next form of attack?
A seafront amusement acade in Skegness (where it's bracing) burnt down on the 3rd Thursday of the month, the Penhallow Hotel in Newquay written off completely a couple of days later. Coincidence? Or is this a change of tactics by the Islamic Terrorism Front – a switch from explosions to arson?

weatherSoggy on crime
Police Community Support Officers, a.k.a. Blunkett's Bobbies, hardly ever arrest criminals or yobs, and few actually issue a fixed penalty ticket. An assessment of their role has revealed that they are there to reassure the public by their presence rather than actually to do anything. In effect, labour's police budget cuts mean that expensive police officers are being replaced with the mobile equivalent of cardboard cut-out coppers.

weatherPolice demand life without possibility of parole for sausage-hurling
Greater Manchester Police are at their wits' end over a 12-year-old kid, who doesn't take any notice of being told to behave himself. He has now taken to hurling cocktail sausages at pensioners as they walk home from a pub in Wythenshawe. Bereft of sanctions, GMP have decided that the only way to make the public safe from this hooligan is to give them the power to have him locked up forever.
   A spokesman for the prime minister's office said that scotch gordon is very concerned over the threat to pensioners from cocktail sausages and he is minded to give the police what they want when he returns to work after his 10-week summer holiday.

weatherA logical impossibility
The govt. is threatening to send wildcat striking prison officers to gaol if they don't go back to work. But who's going to bang them up and let them out for slopping out if the screws are all on strike? This is yet another example of the labour party's serial inability to think things through.

weatherA deployment of limited scope
Officers of 10 police forces have been given permission to use tazer weapons on unruly customers for a year. A spokesman for the pressure group Apologists International immediately claimed this as a victory following rumours that the Association of Cheap Police Officers has been lobbying for permission to use small tactical nuclear weapons on gangs of stroppy teenagers.

DEPARTURES

Rodney D. Wingfield

A prolific writer of radio plays, and the creator of Inspector Frost, has died at 79. In the late 1960s, Mr. Wingfield was able to give up on office jobs and spend the next 20 years writing plays with a twist in the ending for BBC radio. He came to the attention of the publisher Macmillan, which offered him a non-returnable advance of £50 for a novel in 1972. Mr. Wingfield offered Frost At Christmas, which was duly rejected.
   The central character was recycled for the radio play Three Days of Frost starring Leslie Sands. Another radio play formed the basis of his 2nd Frost novel. The sixth and final book is due for publication next year. The TV series starring David Jason was launched in 1992 but failed to win the author's approval, mainly because he felt that the hard edge of the novels had been blunted and the dark humour softened too much.

DEPARTURES

Tony Wilson

The man who invented Manchester has died at 57. He began his career with Granada TV and became well known as a presenter of Granada Reports. He then branched out into business ventures associated with the music scene in Manchester, founding Factory Records and opening the Hacienda club. He had a flair for giving opportunities to up and coming talent, and a talent for making a total bog of the money side of his business ventures.
   He went through a pompous phase when he insisted on being Anthony H. Wilson but he retained a wide circle of friends and admirers, who came to his financial rescue when the NHS decided it wouldn't pay for drugs to treat his kidney cancer. The last twist of his eventful life was to die of a heart attack instead of his cancer.

DEPARTURES

Bullfights on TVE

Spain's equivalent of the BBC has decided that it can't show them live during the day in case children are watching. This surrender to bogus political correctness is widely seen as a victory for the anti-bullfighting lobby. TVE has decided to relegate them to a late night highlights spot. Luckily for fans of the spectacle, however, it is still readily available live in the afternoon on the many regional TV channels.

DEPARTURES

Michael Vick from the NFL

One of the most exciting quarterbacks has been lost to the sport of American crunch through his off-the-field activities. Michael Vick delighted the fans of the Atlanta Falcons with his scrambling ability and his amazing stats for rushing yards gained, which more than made up for his lack of a strong throwing arm.
   His involvement in the seedy world of dog fighting, and a guilty plea to a number of charges, means that he's destined do some gaol time. A lot of people would like to see him rehabilitated and returned to the football field, but the pessimists feel that he'll be too old to be worth it by the time he's available again.

DOSH NEWS

Skyway robbers done over

clunking coinVirgin Atlantic conspired with British Airways to defraud passengers over fuel surcharges but VA escaped a criminal record (and DNA sampling of all the staff) by shopping BA to the government's competition watchdog. So BA copped for a fine of £270 million and VA got off scot free.
   Well, not quite. Class actions brought in the courts in the United States and here by swindled passengers are expected to take an eye-watering £300 million off both conspirators.

weatherThe Iraq war costs Britain £31 per second. Which doesn't sound much until you realize it adds up to £80,000,000 per month. The United States, meanwhile, has already wasted $250,000,000,000 on Iraq.

$Elvis has an annual income of over $200,000,000. Not bad for a guy who's been dead for the last 30 years.

mugger binThe latest government scam . .
. . . is to replace 240 litre wheely bins with one with a capacity of 140 litres and charge householders for removing everything they can't cram into the smaller bin. The charge will take the form of a fixed-penalty notice for littering, which will give the DNA police the opportunity to swab the householder and add his/her DNA to the national databank. The government sees this new initiative as a profound disincentive for fly-tippers, who will be persecuted to the max if their DNA is found on illegally dumped rubbish.

Blood money
It has to be the pernicious influence of bean-counter broon, but the Ministry of Defence set up a 'help line' for relatives after a fatal helicopter crash near Catterick camp in Yorkshire – but didn't have the decency to use an 0800 toll-free line. The MoD chose instead to make money via an 0845 premium-rate number.

Finger pointing paper tigers
The news meeja have been having a go at economists who want to raise interest rates even though the government's official inflation figure has fallen. Have the economists got it wrong? Actually, no.
   The government always pushes the rate of inflation down at this time of year so that pensions and other benefits can be raised by an unreasonably low amount next April. Once September is out of the way, it will be back to normal on the inflation front and the pundits will be moaning again.

Rosy days ahead for the legal profession
The government's 'Pay As You Throw' plan for local councils is expected to produce a plague of 'dumping on your neighbour' by people seeking to reduce their refuse bills. It will also create an army of indignant householders, who have been convicted without proof of not putting the right stuff in the right bin and fined arbitrarily. When they take their council to court, seeking redress, there will be an absolute bonanza for the legal profession.

weatherBuckets of opportunities to come in the banking world
The bad news: our stock market lost over 13% of its value due to the activities of American crooks & spivs. The trouble came after negligent American banks gave mortages to people who had no hope of paying them off then packaged up the loss-making deals and sold them on to spivs and chancers around the banking world.
   The good news: When the US Treasury & the FBI, and their counterparts around the world, have busted all the crooks involved in the racket, some 22% of everyone currently employed by a bank will be either out of a job and in gaol or just out of a job. Which means that banks will be scrambling for bodies to fill the gaps. So right now would be a good time to get some banking credentials (real or fake) on your CV.

Save the planet; and a few bob!
Apparently, it has been legal since last month for anyone to make up to 2,500 litres of home-brew diesel fuel out of vegetable oil tax-free. The oil has to be cooked with sodium hydroxide then washed to free it from impurities, then it can be used in an unmodified engine, either alone on mixed with commercial fuel.
   A processing kit is available at £700; an investment which is recovered after 824 litres of home-brew have provided a tax saving of 85p/litre. The purification process is noise- and smell-free, and suitable for a garden shed.

weatherBuckets of opportunities in war zones!
Six Italian army officers have been busted for using troops and military transport to ferry hundreds of carpets home from Afghanistan. Their regiment has been posted there for 2 years but it has yet to distinguish itself in combat.

EDITORIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

CORRECTIONS & CLARIFICATIONS
   None for the month of July. We did our usual perfect job.

Home News
HOME NEWS
UK FlagUnwelcome return of foot & mouth disease

Last month, it was floods, which were made worse by the labour government's cuts in the budget for constructing & maintaining flood defences. This month, it's an outbreak of foot & mouth disease in Surrey (suspiciously close to a laboratory complex where vaccines are being developed). The last outbreak in 2001 cost the taxpayer £8 billion. As the same dozy bunch is responsible for stopping this latest outbreak, confident, we ain't!
UpdateNobody is surprised to learn that the suspected source of the outbreak is a government funded research establishment near the farm where the outbreak began. The place is under suspicion because the government cut its funding and a committee of MPs found the place sub-standard last year.
   So that's at least another £200 million lost to our economy thanks to this useless government's negligence. Or more if the French get the EU to leave its ban on British beef & dairy exports in place for longer than 3 months after the outbreak is declared officially terminated.

weatherA Nation Mourns (don't you just wish!)
gordon brown was found to have foot & mouth disease at the beginning of the month and he was put down in the first wave of culls of infected beasts. He becomes the prime minister with the shortest ever term in office, and his staff at Downing Street has contacted the Guinness Book of Records with a view to have him included in the next edition. brown will be remembered as a member of a government which allowed foot and mouth disease to spread all over the country in 2001 through indecision and lack of leadership.

weather"The dog ate my thesis, honest!"
Someone else likely to end up in the Guinness Book of Records is guitarist Brian May, who chose to making his fortune with Queen over completing his PhD thesis. Now that he's an old bloke of 60, he has decided it might be nice to be Dr. May after all. His only problem is that Imperial College of London U. might think that a 30-year-old project, plus a bit of new stuff, is still too ancient and too late.

weatherCouch classics for all
The Royal Liverpool Philharmonic is planning to put a live show on its website on 14th September. The performance will be presented in a virtual 3D version of the orchestra's concert hall. After the show, customers will be able to click to the virtual bar to chat with the conductor, who will appear as an animated avatar.
   The orchestra is hoping that using new media will help them to connect to people who are put off going to concerts by lack of public transport, and people who want to do everything without leaving the comfort of their own home.

weatherBoris-Battering Season Opens
Boris Johnson, the Tory MP and London mayor wannabe, has really got the labour party worried. So much so that a hand-picked team of sleaze-mongers has been assembled to paint him as someone as sleazy as a blair-era cabinet minister with an added penchant for genocide and political incorrectness. The BBC has also put a small team of video editors on stand-by so that embarrassing pictures will always be available when the sleaze-mongers invent something truly breath-taking.

weather"Diana who?"
Happen Princess Camilla is quite pleased to be excused the tedium of the Princess Di 10th Todestag memorial service. Happen she'd much rather have a day off from being royal and stay at home to do some ironing or whatever.

weather"What's he going to do now?"
It is rumoured that john prescott, corrupt blair labour's pantomime horse of a deputy PM, is planning to join the cast of the BBC's longest running comedy show The Last of the Old Fellers when he quits Parliament. He will become a much-needed replacement for the loud and loutish Compo.

INNER SPACE NEWS
Russians claiming Romiley puddle by puddle

Russian infiltrators are using a fleet of sub-miniature submarines to plant national flags in Romiley's puddles during wet weather as part of a campaign to annex the village by stealth. Stockport council's neglect of Romiley's pavements means that it is theoretically possible to lay claim to 82% of them by this method. The process is expected to take several years as the Russian fleet consists of just 2 s-m subs, which have to visit thousands of puddles.

climate change sloganOnly half the population are idiots!
A survey published by DEFRA would like us to believe that only 50% of the population realize that their lifestyle has no effect on climate change. And the respondents weren't honest enough to say that cutting down on power consumption and wasting less food is a good idea on personal economic grounds but it won't do anything much for the environment.

Mona Lisa?Mobbed Attraction = Disgruntled Tourists
It's the Silly Season, so lists of the top 10 tourist let-downs in Britain and the world got to fill space between adverts in the newspapers. But the real problem isn't with Stonehenge, the Eiffel Tower, the Statue of Liberty, etc. It's all down to the sheer number of people who want to see them.
   By the time trippers have got into viewing range, they are so totally pissed off with all the hassle and hanging about that they are in no condition to appreciate anything, no matter how good or bad it is.

weather"Now wash your hands"
The latest theory from the Fat Stories Factory is that fat people aren't huge because they eat too much, it's because they're permanently infected with a virus, which causes colds & sore throats, which they get because they never wash their hands. Spit the bones out of that!

Romiley News
ROMILEY NEWS
Small earthquake in Manchester

Completely unnoticed in Romiley. The only surprising thing was that the presenters of Granada Reports in the evening didn't remember, or hadn't been briefed about, the long cluster of earthquakes around Manchester in 2002 (see our reports in the October edition of BlackFlag News).

weatherBad electricity
Romiley was plagued by a series of minor power cuts on the 4th Friday of the month. They lasted just long enough to force a computer to reboot, leaving the user sitting cursing through the endless Windows reloading process and the smug messages about having to check hard disks for errors because Windows hadn't been switched off properly. Then came the frantic scramble to find out what had been lost since the last time the file in progress had been saved.
   There was no obvious cause for the interruptions in service, like the gales which were lashing the power lines together and causing short power breaks last December. So it had to be some twat at the electricity company messing about.

Romiley in bloom

Romiley in bloom

weatherSmall Earthquake in Manchester, no one killed
It happened at 5:45 a.m. on the last Friday of the month but everyone in Romiley was in bed asleep and no one noticed the Richter 2.4 non-event.

SCAM OF THE MONTH

 

climate change sloganBritish Gas is letting its customers pay the company an extra £84 per year in return for what the mug can pretend is 'green' energy.
   Will it save the planet?
No chance!
   Will it boost BG's obscenely high profits?
What do you think!

space news
SPACE NEWS
Phoenix rising

NASA's next Mars lander is safely in space and on its way, a journey which will take 10 months. If it survives its encounter with the Great Mars Gremlin, which has gobbled up 22 of the 35 spacecraft sent to the Red Planet since 1960, Phoenix will touch down near the north pole.
   Cobbled together out of bits left over from previous Mars-related projects, the probe will dig into the permafrost and look for signs that life might just have developed on Mars in the distant past, before it lost its atmosphere, or there might possibly be conditions present under which life might just possibly have developed, given a lot of luck.

STS 118 liftoffNASA tackles unfinished business
The space shuttle Endeavour has made its first trip into space since 2002. Its main mission was delivering components to the International Space Station, but an important piece of unfinished business was also concluded. The crew included teacher/astronaut Barbara Morgan, the back-up to teacher Christa McAuliff, who died aboard the shuttle Challenger in 1982.
STS 118 badge   Ms Morgan took over the burden of the Teacher in Space Project, making the school visits all over the United States, which Christa McAuliffe would have made. She went back to teaching but rejoined the astronaut programme in 1998. 25 years on, she has been able to finish the job begun by her colleague.
   Through sending teachers into space, NASA is hoping 'to develop new ways of connecting space exploration with the classroom and to inspire the next generation of explorers'. Not to mention creating another generation of taxpayers who might be willing to pay for space exploration.
   On the evening after the launch, space-watchers in Romiley were permitted a fairly unclouded night so that they would watch the 10:30 pm transit of the ISS followed, a few minutes later, by the smaller speck of light which was the shuttle on its way to a rendezvous the following day.
   The mission was ended a day early in case category 5 Hurricane Dean attacked the mission control centre. The shuttle made a successful return trip to the Kennedy Space Centre in Florida despite some tile damage (which did not need a repair) cause by debris from the external tank during the launch.

SPORTS NEWS
Alonso does a schumacher

Desperate to claim pole position for the Hungarian Grand Prix, reigning Formula 1 champ Fernando Alonso deliberately delayed his departure from the pits after the final tyre changes of the qualifying session to ensure than his team mate would be screwed. Lewis Hamilton, waiting behind him for service, hit the track too late to be able to get in a final hot lap and he ended up in second place on the grid.
   McLaren team boss Ron Dennis had nothing to say about the incident immediately afterwards, but his vice-like grip on the back of the neck of Alonso's personal trainer spoke volumes about his displeasure.
UpdateEveryone seemed to be telling a different story about what went on, but the stewards stepped in and shunted Alonso back 6 places on the grid (he eventually finished 4th) leaving Hamilton to inherit pole position and win the race despite a lot of pressure from Raikkonen.
   The stewards also ruled that McLaren can have no points out of this race for the constructors' championship and no one from McLaren was allowed on the podium to accept the award for the winning constructor. But they did let Hamilton claim his very fancy gilt vase thing.

weatherDesperation Culture
Formula One is having to scrape the barrel to generate a spot of interest. The organizers of the Turkish Grand Prix were reduced to giving championship leader Lewis Hamilton a 'Mansell Moment' to get people talking about what was otherwise a dull procession. But they could manage only a pale shadow of the original.
   Nigel Mansell lost the drivers' championship in 1986 with a spectacular double blow-out of his rear tyres in Australia. Hamilton lost just his right-front, and he was able to limp to the pits for a replacement and finish 5th instead of 3rd.

travel
TRAVEL NEWS
The benefits of secure borders

The Home Office has come up with a brilliant cash-raising wheeze. Criminals who haven't paid fines and health tourists from abroad scrounging on the NHS will be placed on the 'air-rage and disruptive passenger register' when our Border Police is up and running. This manoeuvre will prevent them from leaving the country, either to go on holiday or to go home, until they have settled their account.
   Cynics expect bogus asylum-seekers to take advantage of the plan by sneaking into the country, running up a bill on the NHS and then refusing to pay in the expectation of receiving free board & lodging, plus cash benefits, for the rest of their lives.

climate change slogan"Holy carbon dioxide, Batman!"
The Vatican has joined the list of criminals out to destroy the planet by getting into the business of running charter flights for pilgrims. The pilot programme will take religious tourists from Rome to Lourdes, but Pope Rottweiler I's minions are planning to send package pilgrims all round Europe, to the Holy Land and to South America, as well.

weatherThe wrong sort of trains
The railway companies have come up with a new excuse for trains running late – it's all down to tracks collapsing under the weight of new of trains, which are heavier and have stiffer suspension systems than the old 'slam door' trains introduced in the 1960s. A failure to adjust track maintenance schedules is the main problem, however.

world news
WORLD NEWS
One down, 70,000 to go

The collapse of the bridge carrying Interstate highway 35W over the Mississippi river has given prominence to the fact that 70,000 other bridges in the roadway system have been classified 'structurally deficient'. Even more galling for the Great American Motorist is the fact that all of them, plus a further 30,000, could have been brought up to standard for what they've wasted on George Dubja Bush's Iraq war.
UpdateThe collapse is now being blamed on accelerated corrosion of part of the bridge caused by pigeon droppings. A failure to do anything about the problem and a failure to strengthen or replace the corroded steel beams is a more credible cause.

weatherCompensation Culture
The Russians are pretending that dumping a flag on the seabed lets them claim all the oil, gas & mineral rights in the Arctic region. Apparently, the twin-submarine, flag-planting expedition was intended to make up for the Soviet Union's failure to send cosmonauts to the Moon to plant a flag there.

weatherChicken Germans Milkless & Helpless
The Germans are upset because the Chinese are buying up their milk and they can't increase production because the milk quotas which the EU imposed in 1984 can't be changed until 2015. So they face a price rise of 50% because they lack the testicular fortitude to tell the Eurocrats to get stuffed. They're also having to increase benefit to make milk affordable to the unemployed.

weatherDon't believe nuffing you see on TV!
The Russian state TV company Rossiya has been convicted of sexing up an alleged news report on the minisubs, which allegedly planted the Russian flag at the North Pole last month. In fact, the pictures of ghostly blue searchlights in foggy water were nicked from the opening sequence of the 1997 film Titanic. The footage was shot in a film studio and, even worse, the minisubs Mir 1 and Mir 2 were built by a Finnish company, not a Russian one.
   And if you thought things couldn't get worse than that, fasten your seatbelt! The need for such fakery is casting doubt that the mission to the North Pole ever took place, which is doing serious damage to the Russians' claim to a big chunk of the vast deposits of minerals and oil in the Arctic.
   Canada, Denmark and the United States are also busily preparing claims to anything worth having.

weatherLeave or stay here dead!
As India & Pakistan celebrate 60 years of independence from British rule, ungrateful descendants of the former colonials are now moaning that the British got out too fast. For their information, their former colonial masters did it mainly to avoid being killed by the murderous natives, who wiped out millions of former neighbours just because they happened to subscribe to the wrong religion.
   The Brits also bugged out because the ancestors of the moaners wanted them gone because they thought they were fit to run their new countries; something which they manifestly weren't up to, especially in Pakistan. Which explains why so many people from former British India are here in Britain instead of enjoying the benefits of home rule back home.

weatherUnintended consequences
The Richter 8.0 earthquake on the coast of Peru was good news for the inmates of Chincha gaol. 700 of them were able to escape when it collapsed. The latest daft story on the Internet is that the earthquake was triggered by a secret US research facility in Alaska, of all places!

This Month's Garbage

The Garbage People who confuse television programmes with real life.

Greater Manchester Police, members of which arrested a householder after a burglar fell off the bloke's house while making his getaway.

Edinburgh Police, a member of which verbally assaulted a couple of Fringe performers with giant green waterpistols, claiming they could be mistaken for Islamic tourists. A mouthpiece for Lothian & Borders police added that the officer concerned had had a bad day, having been humiliated in court the day before for another gross error of judgement.

The Guantanamo Five, who were supposed to be taking refuge in Britain, but who were arrested while up to no good in terrorist hot-spots.

The council servicing Ormesby, Middlesborough, which offered a bloke counselling to help him get over the emotional stress of having his wheely bin stolen.

Thames Valley Police and their pair of 16-year-old Police Community Support Officers. Apparently, they're supposed to help the police to represent the spread of ages in their community, and TVP are currently working to fill quotas for burglars, drink drivers, bogus asylum seekers and paedophiles.

Currys, which employs technicians who won't fix a computer if the owner smokes.

Danish culture-vulture minister Brian Mikkelson, who offered a bogus apology to the Irish for Viking raids on their island in the first millennium.

The immigration judges who ruled that killer Learco Chindamo, who murdered headmaster Philip Lawrence in 1995, won't be deported to Italy when he's let out of gaol because it would breach his human right to have a family life. Not to mention the labour government which bodged together its human rights act.

Red Ken Livingstone for his tearful bogus apology for his part in the slave trade.

The West Sussex police in charge of Worthing beach, who charged 2 young women with indecent exposure when they flashed their tits at a CCTV camera, which was clocking them. The charges were dropped hurriedly when the ladies called the coppers' bluff and opted for a trial with a jury.

 
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