The bloke who moved a speed limit sign from a 40 mph zone in Manchester to a 30 mph zone Rochdale in an attempt to dodge a speeding fine has been gaoled for 56 days, which have to be served only at weekends.
Lord Cashpoint busted The nation rocked with laughter
Human Rights Act 'safe in our time'
Honours for a price
All change in Devon & Cornwall
WHO is looking after YOUR website right now?
A. A friend.
Don't trust a vital asset like your website to any old Joe. Guys with beards ALWAYS know what they're doing! Trust no one else.
The outspoken Yorkshire & England cricketer, who became the first bowler to take 300 Test wickets, has died at 75. A ferociously accurate fast bowler, he took over 2,300 wickets in first class matches while establishing a reputation as a 'character' who had no fear of opponents and who showed them little respect as a tactic. Following his retirement in 1969, he turned to commentating, broadcasting and after-dinner speaking, becoming known to non-cricketing TV viewers as 'Al Sithee', after his catch-phrase farewell. A lifelong pipe smoker, he was awarded the title "Pipe Smoker of the Year" in 1975, and he died after a short battle with lung cancer.
The man who established himself as the world leader in corporate deceit & corruption via the Enron swindle has croaked at 64. Or has he? Facing what amounted to a sentence of the rest of his life in gaol following his conviction for his part in America's biggest ever fraud, the conspiracy theories are flying already. Was it really Lay, a man with no history of cardiac problems, who was rushed to a hospital after a heart attack? Or was it some fall guy, who'd been given appropriate plastic surgery? And is Lay currently enjoying the hospitality of the Lord Lucan Rest Home for Fugitives? This one will run & run!
A co-founder of the rock band Pink Floyd has died at 60. Syd Barratt came up with the band's name, and he wrote the early hit singles and most of the highly successful album Piper at the Gates of Dawn (1967). Under his leadership, the Floyd became London's most radical and 'must see' live band. But he drifted off into a drugged haze, and the band had to replace him in 1968.
A multi-time world snooker champion has died at 70. John Spencer reached the final of the English amateur championship at his first attempt in 1964 and took the title 2 years later. He scraped through his early professional years on the proceeds of exhibition matches and won the world professional title at his first attempt in 1969, taking home a prize of £1,780, which was a great deal of money in those days. He regained the title in November 1970, only to lose it to Alex Higgins in 1972.
The creator of the smash-mouth, .45-toting private eye Mike Hammer has died at 88. Mickey Spillane made his literary start in comics. His Hammer series began in the period just after World War Two as a money-making venture. His heroes were real men, who had a gun in one hand and a drink or cigarette in the other, and a stunning female (usually blonde) in tow. The series racked up sales of over 100 million.
After 271 years of hosting appearances by the nation's most notorious criminals, a piece of British legal history is to be turned into an hotel, which is a fitting comment on the collapse of the justice system under new labour. Oscar Wilde, Dr. Harvey Crippen, the Kray twins and Jeffrey Archer all stood in the dock on London's most senior magistrates' court. The last occupant was Jason Handy, a 33-year-old alcoholic, who was facing a charge of breaching an anti-social behaviour order.
Operated by the proprietors of Madame Tussaud's waxworks, this once proud home of astronomical education has been dumbed down to a place of rather tacky entertainment. The chance to view the Milky Way (now lost to our light-polluted skies), a great comet or a total eclipse of the sun on demand is gone forever.
Created by the Tories in 1993 to ensure that separated parents fulfilled their obligation to support offspring, the CSA has been put down after 13 inglorious years. Things have gone from bad to worse under new labour. The agency has outstanding debts of £3.5 billion in uncollected maintenance, and administration costs chew up 70% of all cash collected. The CSA will survive in a reduced form until its replacement is ready, probably around 2008.
New laws aimed at countering postal vote fraud, for which new labour has become notorious in the Midlands, will put an end to election-night counts. In future, returning officers will have to verify the signature & date of birth on all postal votes, will take hours and hours, which means that the ballot boxes will be locked and placed under armed guard at the end of polling day, and the count will be postponed until the next day.
British MPs are off on a 77-day paid holiday, during which, they will waste several millions of pounds of taxpayers' money on junkets. But on the plus side, they won't be passing (for a couple of months) any more defective laws, which are designed to enrich the legal profession while letting the guilty go free.
The BBC's sometime premiere pop music show has croaked of audience deprivation and new media competition at the age of 42. Originally broadcast from a retired church in Manchester from 1964, a TOTP gig was a nice little earner for London's session musicians, who provided improvised bands for songs with hit-potential between the more established acts. As a touch of symmetry, the 2,204th and last show was presented by Jimmy Saville, who did the first one. How's about that, then?
Jobsworth police at the Royal Norfolk Show had nothing better to do than issue an £80 fixed penalty notice to a bloke selling Bollocks to Blair T-shirts.
A guess is as good a result as any
Ian Cawsey, labour MP for North Lincs., who blames England's footballing woes on Mrs. Thatcher because she abolished free school milk in the 1970s. According to him, the Boy Wayne broke his foot because of a lack of calcium, and the Boy Owen's knee ligament went for the same reason. Mrs. Thatcher's 'milk snatching' could also be blamed for Sven Eriksson's incompetent training & tactics, and also the inability of messers Lampard, Gerrard & Carragher to put a penalty kick in the net.
The government is doing nothing about warnings that beef imported from Brazil is loaded with hormones, which are shoved down the throats of cattle to make them grow faster. The hormones can also cause cancers in the people who consume the beef.
The Cock-Up of the Month Award
You have to be nuts to believe these warnings!
"Not me, gov," says mandelson
GM becomes universal in 2009
new labour's pantomime horse is in trouble again for consorting with moguls in the gambling trade at a time when the government is trying to cram a super-casino on every high street between the dozens of ever-open pubs. Worse, he didn't declare his freeloading in the Commons Register of Members' Interests until he had his arm twisted. There was also some shabby manoeuvring involving paying public money to a charity instead of cash from new labour. [Which probably doesn't know the difference between public money and its own. Ed.]
Another Dome Disaster for Greenwich?
The Anschutz-Prescott Dome is the most likely candidate to become Britain's first super-casino. The Casino Advisory Panel awarded its application 67 points while Glasgow got 66 and Blackpool 65. But if Greenwich is awarded the casino, its opening is likely to be delayed for several years by legal challenges from the losers in the casino lottery on the grounds of Four Shags' undeclared jollies with Mr. Anschutz and his behind-the-scenes assistance with the Anschutz application.
Junket johnny does a Grand Tour
Sunbathing can improve a patient's chances of surviving cancer, according to a team at King's College, London. Sunlight encourages the body to make vitamin D, which is bad for cancer. So a logical conclusion to draw from this information is that if you stayed out in the sun too long and you got skin cancer, then staying out a bit longer will make you okay again. What a weird world we live in!
Heavyweight crisis for the NHS
Trade & Industry Sec. alistair darling, the man who sneaked in congestion charging by stealth to keep poor people off rush-hour trains, has decided that every home will have a wind turbine BY ORDER! They will cost at least £3,000 a time, they will require inspection every 2-3 years and they will create a whole new tier of jobsworth bureaucrats, who owe their living directly to the labour party.
"Nice one, guys!"
One law for the disreputable minorities . . .
A lot of air, and not all that hot
Nelson cut down to size
Stinging things in abundance
The Environment Dept. goes carbon mad
Edinburgh Council gets an eyeful!
Attention, passport users!
"Get your head out of George Bush's ass!"
63% of the people asked by a Guardian/ICM poll think that smug bugger is too eager to do the bidding of the United States' regime, no matter how much it damages the interests of Great Britain. So they would like a bit of space in the relationship something about as expansive as the space between President Bush's ears.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
As a public service, Jenson Farrago is offering access to his collection of bogus lottery, phishing and other email spam.
"It's like going to Robert Maxwell for advice on running a company pension fund."
This was the response on Garbagegate to the news that new labour, the world's most corrupt ruling party, is planning to spend £100 million of British taxpayers' money on stopping corruption in leaders of Third World countries.
While NASA was failing to launch the space shuttle Discovery because of violent thunderstorms over Florida, Romiley got a dinnertime taste of them on the first Sunday of the month. Those watching the largely processional US Grand Prix from Indianapolis were given a little suspense would the thunder, lightning and torrential downpour turn the flickerings of lights and TV into a lengthy blackout?
After two aborted attempts, which were called off due to violent thunderstorms over Florida, the space shuttle Discovery finally set off on its trip to the International Space Station on American Independence Day.
Space shuttle Discovery lands in murky Florida
This time, NASA offered pictures to the TV networks showing the shuttle's approach to the runway at far from sunny Florida. Left : the pilot's eye view.
New type of orbiting spacecraft launched
Bigelow Aerospace has successfully inflated its Genesis I prototype spacecraft in orbit and deployed the solar arrays, which are supplying power to the onboard instruments.
Following 90 minutes of largely purposeless, scoreless, thrashing about against Portugal, and a similar 30 minutes of extra time, the England football team was let down badly by its penalty takers. Sven Eriksson, the vastly overpaid team coach, trumped his poor team selection and terrible tactics by picking 3 turkeys for the job. Owen Hargreaves showed everyone how to do it while the first 2 Portuguese players missed. Then Lampard, Gerrard & Carragher put on a truly pathetic and shamefully inept display of how to kick the ball at the goalkeeper.
Government blamed for footballing failure
xperts from a wide range of fields have concluded that England's ejection from the World Cup is a direct consequence of new labour's campaigns to put a stop to competitive sports in schools and to make English people feel bad about themselves via insincere apologies for the nation's achievements of the past and its wartime victories over foreigners.
What was his name? Baghdaditis?
"Stitch that, Jimmy!" The enduring World Cup image . . .
One-hipped bloke wins Tour de France
Zidane's Disease spreads across Channel
British holidaymakers who had to abandon a stay in Lebanon are to sue the state of Israel via a class action in the European Court.
Brains in neutral on the hottest day
Foreign motorists who speed and/or drive recklessly will be handed on-the-spot fines of up to €400 by French cops. And if they don't pay up, their vehicle will be impounded and the fine will rise steeply to the point that the motorist might decide that the kidnapped vehicle just isn't worth redeeming!
Warning #2 Universal fines on the way
300 year old conviction quashed
Dateline 17th July, South Lebanon
Putin gets stick to beat smug bugger
Russian prime minister Vlad (the Horrible) Putin is beside himself with glee. He has had to put up with a whole bunch of self-righteous tosh from our present temporary prime minister over the lack of democracy and human rights in the new Russia. But having employed a former Downing Street insider to do his PR, he was able to shut smug bugger up at the G8 conference in St. Pete with the threat of mentioning cash for honours and other highlights of new labour's bog of sleaze.
smug bugger sticks it to his rivals
Our present temporary prime minister told the G8 summit, as a casual aside, that he expects to see the gang again next year and that he won't be standing down until he has put in a nice, round ten years at Downing Street. Get out of that, scotch gordon!
American Etiquette : Lesson 1
Anything goes in the Netherlands!
Eyes OFF the bigger picture
Israeli sinks to new war-crime depths in Lebanon
Tramps in Paris get the bum's rush
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