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2006/July
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Welcome to Beirut (twinned with Lidice)

Criminal News
CRIMINAL NEWS
Great idea but it didn't work out

The bloke who moved a speed limit sign from a 40 mph zone in Manchester to a 30 mph zone Rochdale in an attempt to dodge a speeding fine has been gaoled for 56 days, which have to be served only at weekends.

Lord Cashpoint busted – The nation rocked with laughter
und raiser for new labour and prime target for the police squad investigating the cash for peerages scandal, his lordship was highly indignant when the fuzz dared to arrest him under the 1925 Honours (Prevention of Abuses) Act and the 2000 Political Parties, Elections & Referendums Act. The gist of his official statement was: 'How dare the police have the temerity to arrest someone in my exalted position!' Lord Levy clearly believes that being the present temporary prime minister's pal puts him above the law. Which is fair enough, given the general levels of honesty and integrity displayed by new labour.
UpdateThe police have felt obliged to question fixers for other political parties to avoid charges of political bias and the PR machine is already creaking into action.
UpdateOur present temporary prime minister is also on the police hit-list.
UpdateLord Cashpoint is in more trouble for getting his secretary an MBE for paid service to 3 charities, of which his lordship is president.

Human Rights Act 'safe in our time'
fter much arm-twisting, the human-rights lawyer wife of our present temporary prime minister has persuaded him to do a U-turn and order Home Sec. john reid to ditch plans to abolish the HRA to make life tougher for criminals and their sneaky defence lawyers. But blunk's huge sentencing discounts will go.

Honours for a price
ustomers of corrupt new labour, as the party has been rebranded, stand a 50-50 chance of getting their paws on an MBE, an OBE, a CBE, a knighthood or even a peerage if they cough up at least £50,000. Ordinary members of the public, who have done something worthy in the way of public service, have a 1 in 2,857 chance of receiving an honour.
   Compared to people who have not bunged the party, donors to new labour are 1,657 times more likely to get any sort of honour, 7,000 times more likely to get a peerage and 10,000 times more likely to get a knighthood. corrupt new labour's average going rates are £675,000 for a CBE, £750,000 for a knighthood and £1,065,000 for a peerage.
   All inquiries about paid-for honours should go to Lord Levy, who is currently not helping the police with their inquiries to spare our present temporary prime minister the embarrassment of a trip darn the nick until after the corrupt new labour party conference.

All change in Devon & Cornwall
he chief constable of the country's largest police force has been given the bullet for implementing classic new labour policies and reducing morale to rock bottom. She cut down overtime during murder cases, she caused mass walk-outs with her plans to cut the salaries of civilian staff and she took coppers off the streets to send them on diversity courses and other politically correct time-wasters. The criminal population of the south-west is expecting a thin time of things when the new broom gets sweeping.

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DEPARTURES

'Fiery' Fred Trueman

The outspoken Yorkshire & England cricketer, who became the first bowler to take 300 Test wickets, has died at 75. A ferociously accurate fast bowler, he took over 2,300 wickets in first class matches while establishing a reputation as a 'character' who had no fear of opponents and who showed them little respect as a tactic. Following his retirement in 1969, he turned to commentating, broadcasting and after-dinner speaking, becoming known to non-cricketing TV viewers as 'Al Sithee', after his catch-phrase farewell. A lifelong pipe smoker, he was awarded the title "Pipe Smoker of the Year" in 1975, and he died after a short battle with lung cancer.

DEPARTURES

Kenneth Lay

The man who established himself as the world leader in corporate deceit & corruption via the Enron swindle has croaked at 64. Or has he? Facing what amounted to a sentence of the rest of his life in gaol following his conviction for his part in America's biggest ever fraud, the conspiracy theories are flying already. Was it really Lay, a man with no history of cardiac problems, who was rushed to a hospital after a heart attack? Or was it some fall guy, who'd been given appropriate plastic surgery? And is Lay currently enjoying the hospitality of the Lord Lucan Rest Home for Fugitives? This one will run & run!

DEPARTURES

Roger 'Syd' Barratt

PiperA co-founder of the rock band Pink Floyd has died at 60. Syd Barratt came up with the band's name, and he wrote the early hit singles and most of the highly successful album Piper at the Gates of Dawn (1967). Under his leadership, the Floyd became London's most radical and 'must see' live band. But he drifted off into a drugged haze, and the band had to replace him in 1968.
   He issued 2 solo albums in 1970, The Madcap Laughs (Jan.) and Barrett (Nov.), with a lot of help from his former band-mates. Then he spent most of the rest of his life as a recluse while his psychic presence continued to influence David Bowie and Pink Floyd's output, and that of other bands which came along in the 1970s, 80s and 90s.
   The Piper nearly 40 years on
   [by someone who bought the LP when it came out. Ed.]
sychedelic start, some somewhat dodgy songs then the jazzy instrumental Pow R. Toc H. Side 1 closes with a frantic song by Roger Waters. Back to psychedelia on Side 2 with Interstellar Overdrive. Then it's an, "Oh, shit! We have to deliver an album's worth of stuff!" time. So some increasingly dodgy songs by Mr. Barratt, starting with one about a hoody gnome and finishing with one about his bike, which has a psychedelic ending.
   "It would take someone zonked on acid and so totally out of it that he can't tell what's good and what's bad to appreciate either Syd Barratt's gnome or David Bowie's laughing gnome."

DEPARTURES

John Spencer

A multi-time world snooker champion has died at 70. John Spencer reached the final of the English amateur championship at his first attempt in 1964 and took the title 2 years later. He scraped through his early professional years on the proceeds of exhibition matches and won the world professional title at his first attempt in 1969, taking home a prize of £1,780, which was a great deal of money in those days. He regained the title in November 1970, only to lose it to Alex Higgins in 1972.
   John Spencer was one of the stars of the early years of snooker in colour on BBC 2, winning Pot Black three times. He became world champion again in 1977 and he was the first player to score a maximum 147 break in a tournament – unfortunately while Thames TV's crew was having a meal break. Double vision caused by a muscle-wasting disease ended his playing career. He remained active in snooker behind the scenes until defeated by cancer.

DEPARTURES

Mickey Spillane

I, The Jury, Mickey SpillaneThe creator of the smash-mouth, .45-toting private eye Mike Hammer has died at 88. Mickey Spillane made his literary start in comics. His Hammer series began in the period just after World War Two as a money-making venture. His heroes were real men, who had a gun in one hand and a drink or cigarette in the other, and a stunning female (usually blonde) in tow. The series racked up sales of over 100 million.
[Right a 1963 Corgi edition of I, The Jury (1947), the first of the Hammers]
   The Mike Hammer books inspired 7 films (including The Girl Hunters (1963), in which the author playing the lead), and 2 series of TV adaptations. The arrest of cocaine-snorting 1980s TV Hammer Stacy Keach inspired the famous Sun headline, "Hammer In The Slammer!"
   Mickey Spillane's other characters included Tiger Mann, Master-Hero; Deep, the eponymous star of The Deep (a title also used by Peter Benchley for one of his underwater adventures); Morgan the Raider and a tough (male) cop called Gillian Burke (who had to be bloody tough with a name like that!). He described himself as a 'writer', who was in it for the money, rather than an 'author'.

DEPARTURES

Bow Street Magistrates' Court

After 271 years of hosting appearances by the nation's most notorious criminals, a piece of British legal history is to be turned into an hotel, which is a fitting comment on the collapse of the justice system under new labour. Oscar Wilde, Dr. Harvey Crippen, the Kray twins and Jeffrey Archer all stood in the dock on London's most senior magistrates' court. The last occupant was Jason Handy, a 33-year-old alcoholic, who was facing a charge of breaching an anti-social behaviour order.
   The famous iron-railed dock will be preserved and put on show when a new court building opens in Marylebone in 2009. In the meantime, Bow Street's workload will be transferred to Horseferry Road magistrates' court, which will be renamed Westminster magistrates' court, just to confuse everyone.

DEPARTURES

The London Planetarium

Operated by the proprietors of Madame Tussaud's waxworks, this once proud home of astronomical education has been dumbed down to a place of rather tacky entertainment. The chance to view the Milky Way (now lost to our light-polluted skies), a great comet or a total eclipse of the sun on demand is gone forever.

DEPARTURES

The Child Support Agency

Created by the Tories in 1993 to ensure that separated parents fulfilled their obligation to support offspring, the CSA has been put down after 13 inglorious years. Things have gone from bad to worse under new labour. The agency has outstanding debts of £3.5 billion in uncollected maintenance, and administration costs chew up 70% of all cash collected. The CSA will survive in a reduced form until its replacement is ready, probably around 2008.

DEPARTURES

All-Nighters for the General Election Count

New laws aimed at countering postal vote fraud, for which new labour has become notorious in the Midlands, will put an end to election-night counts. In future, returning officers will have to verify the signature & date of birth on all postal votes, will take hours and hours, which means that the ballot boxes will be locked and placed under armed guard at the end of polling day, and the count will be postponed until the next day.

DEPARTURES

Members of Parliament

British MPs are off on a 77-day paid holiday, during which, they will waste several millions of pounds of taxpayers' money on junkets. But on the plus side, they won't be passing (for a couple of months) any more defective laws, which are designed to enrich the legal profession while letting the guilty go free.

DEPARTURES

Top of the Pops

The BBC's sometime premiere pop music show has croaked of audience deprivation and new media competition at the age of 42. Originally broadcast from a retired church in Manchester from 1964, a TOTP gig was a nice little earner for London's session musicians, who provided improvised bands for songs with hit-potential between the more established acts. As a touch of symmetry, the 2,204th and last show was presented by Jimmy Saville, who did the first one. How's about that, then?

DOLT NEWS

Police in political censorship scandal

clownJobsworth police at the Royal Norfolk Show had nothing better to do than issue an £80 fixed penalty notice to a bloke selling Bollocks to Blair T-shirts.
   Following the incident, he reported a huge increase in sales and he wishes to thank Norfolk Police for the fairly cheap publicity.

A guess is as good a result as any
he Oxford, Cambridge & RSA examination board has lost 40,000 GCSE and A-level exam papers. The board intends to track down as many as it can, like the ones which fall out of the back of unlocked doors on ParcelForce vans, and make a guess at the student's grade, based on previous school work, in all cases where the exam paper stays lost.

Ankle-grabber of the month

Ian Cawsey, labour MP for North Lincs., who blames England's footballing woes on Mrs. Thatcher because she abolished free school milk in the 1970s. According to him, the Boy Wayne broke his foot because of a lack of calcium, and the Boy Owen's knee ligament went for the same reason. Mrs. Thatcher's 'milk snatching' could also be blamed for Sven Eriksson's incompetent training & tactics, and also the inability of messers Lampard, Gerrard & Carragher to put a penalty kick in the net.
   [His authorship of this theory would tend to indicate that Cawsey is so terminally useless that the only job he could get was as a labour MP. Ed.]

FOODY NEWS

Hormones R Us

dead chickenThe government is doing nothing about warnings that beef imported from Brazil is loaded with hormones, which are shoved down the throats of cattle to make them grow faster. The hormones can also cause cancers in the people who consume the beef.
   Worse, new labour is eager to lift an EU ban on hormone-laden US beef as a favour to President Bush.
   Even worse, Brazilian beef is swimming with antibiotics as well as hormones, a practice which renders such drugs useless and promotes the spread of antibiotic-resistant diseases.

The Cock-Up of the Month Award
as to go to Brand Events, which organized a food and wine festival in Birmingham and forgot to get a drinks licence in time. As a result, wine merchants and restaurant proprietors were told that they could serve alcohol only if they gave it away for free. The organizers applied for the licence at the end of June, but a delay of 10 working days before it became effective meant that the licence period didn't start until after the festival had closed. Brand Events described the show as 'a massive success'.

You have to be nuts to believe these warnings!
fear of being sued by customers who are fully paid-up members of the victim culture has led to some food manufacturers relying on ridiculous get-out clauses. Crackers, lettuce, noodles, salt and packets of sweets have all been sold bearing the warning: "May contain nuts". The Food Standards Agency has been forced to ask manufacturers to take a more sensible approach to their allergy labels because the public are ignoring their warnings because they are on absolutely everything.

"Not me, gov," says mandelson
he EU trade commissioner and disgraced former new labour MP peter mandelson has denied banning imports of Anchor butter from New Zealand. A German firm, which wants to import butter direct from New Zealand, complained about Britain having a monopoly on issuing import licences. Some jobsworth in the European Commission then slapped a ban on butter imports until the EU had decided what to do about the complaint.
   The blame landed on mandelson when it was the EU's Agriculture Directorate which had applied the illegal ban. Worried about further damage to his already beyond-salvage reputation, mandelson ranted and raved a bit, and got the ban lifted.
   Historical Note: Britain acquired its monopoly when it stood up to the Franco-German axis of the EU, which was attempting to prevent Commonwealth countries from exporting dairy produce to their traditional markets in Britain (to the benefit of inefficient French farmers).

GM becomes universal in 2009
he government is to licence GM crops at secret sites from 2009. Contamination of surrounding areas by GM pollen is inevitable, so the government will allow 0.9% pollution of conventional & organic crops, and also honey. The plan is to make sure that farms which suffer higher contamination levels get little or no compensation and to pass new laws to allow unlimited GM contamination of gardens & allotments.

FOUR SHAGS NEWS

Four Shags in bed with casino operators, too?

Four Shagsnew labour's pantomime horse is in trouble again for consorting with moguls in the gambling trade at a time when the government is trying to cram a super-casino on every high street between the dozens of ever-open pubs. Worse, he didn't declare his freeloading in the Commons Register of Members' Interests until he had his arm twisted. There was also some shabby manoeuvring involving paying public money to a charity instead of cash from new labour. [Which probably doesn't know the difference between public money and its own. Ed.]
   Described as the driving force behind new labour's eagerness to promote gambling (because he thinks it's a vote-winner back home in Hull), it's a wonder old Four Shags found the time to service the 2 additional mistresses, who have broken cover recently.
   p.s. Don't try to find this story on the BBC because the Blair Broadcasting Company has suppressed it as a special favour to new labour.
Updatenew labour's stooges laid down so much smoke that it became painfully obvious that 4 Shags had done something monumentally stupid and/or corrupt. And proof soon emerged that his officials have been twisting arms at the Dept. of Culture & Gambling to get a super-casino for Philip Anschutz, the American billionaire sucker who bought new labour's prize turkey, the Millennium Dome (built at vast expense to the taxpayer) for next to nothing.
cowboyUpdateFour Shags would like us to believe that the only reason he was free-loading at the Anschutz ranch is that he's a fan of cowboy films. But no one would chose to have business and social meetings with such a clod unless he thought he was going to get something really good out of it.
UpdateHow appropriate that Four Shags should be in trouble for not declaring a cowboy outfit given to him by Mr. Anschutz while the billionaire was trying to do a deal with another cowboy outfit – new labour.
UpdateThings are getting so bad for Four Shags in the Commons that new labour's speaker, Gorbals Mick, is having to make up bogus rules to protect his ass.
UpdateFour Shags is now inviting us to believe that he's not responsible for what his officials do on his behalf. Which raises the question of why he's paid so much if he does bugger all and isn't accountable for anything.
UpdateDowning Street is plotting to get rid of Four Shags this month so that they can put someone with a fragment of integrity in charge of the country when our present temporary prime minister takes his summer freebie hols.
UpdateParliament's watchdog has given Four Shags a mild suck, rather than a chewing, over his antics with Philip Anschutz & his entourage. So freeloading and not declaring prezzies is officially no big deal when new labour is in charge.

Millennium DomeAnother Dome Disaster for Greenwich?

The Anschutz-Prescott Dome is the most likely candidate to become Britain's first super-casino. The Casino Advisory Panel awarded its application 67 points while Glasgow got 66 and Blackpool 65. But if Greenwich is awarded the casino, its opening is likely to be delayed for several years by legal challenges from the losers in the casino lottery on the grounds of Four Shags' undeclared jollies with Mr. Anschutz and his behind-the-scenes assistance with the Anschutz application.

Junket johnny does a Grand Tour
ext month, while our PTPM is on holiday and Four Shags is in charge, he plans to make a grand progress around the country and let chosen subjects view him in all his glory. Those granted an audience are advised to refrain from asking why there are no official plans (and no taxpayers' cash allocated) to celebrate his 10th anniversary as deputy PM, which falls in May 2007.

HEALTH NEWS

Death Rays to Life Rays

X-Ray MachineSunbathing can improve a patient's chances of surviving cancer, according to a team at King's College, London. Sunlight encourages the body to make vitamin D, which is bad for cancer. So a logical conclusion to draw from this information is that if you stayed out in the sun too long and you got skin cancer, then staying out a bit longer will make you okay again. What a weird world we live in!

Heavyweight crisis for the NHS
he NHS is spending hundreds of thousands of pounds on reinforcing equipment to withstand grossly obese customers. Every hospital has to have beds, trolleys, chairs, operating tables, etc. able to withstand a patient weighing up to 50 stones, and at least one set rated at 70 stones.

Home News
HOME NEWS
Windbag's Wind Plan

Trade & Industry Sec. alistair darling, the man who sneaked in congestion charging by stealth to keep poor people off rush-hour trains, has decided that every home will have a wind turbine BY ORDER! They will cost at least £3,000 a time, they will require inspection every 2-3 years and they will create a whole new tier of jobsworth bureaucrats, who owe their living directly to the labour party.
   And if the whole country takes off and crashed onto France when all those propellers get turning in a gale, that's just too bad!

"Nice one, guys!"
howing typical sensitivity, Moslems in London have chosen to kick off Islam Expo, their biggest PR job in Europe, in nice time for the first anniversary of the suicide bombing attacks on London's transport system on July 7th, 2005. Over 50 people were killed, and another bunch of Islamic suicide bombers tried, and failed, to do the same a fortnight later.

One law for the disreputable minorities . . .
reaching race hatred and inciting murder at demos in February of this year was worth a fine of only £500 to a Moslem extremist. Imagine what would have happened if a white British person had done the same with Moslems as the target!

A lot of air, and not all that hot
all Me Dave Cameron's wind turbine for the roof of his West London home is expected to cut his electricity bill by 20%. It will take 40 years to pay off the cost of installing it and servicing it for the first 25 years.

Nelson cut down to size
he facelift of Nelson's Column was completed this month – a project which will send a flood of funds into the pockets of eager printers. Someone decided to measure the monument and found that it's really 169' 5¾" (51.659 m) tall, not the 185 feet quoted in London guide books, all of which will require reprinting.

Stinging things in abundance
he British Wasp Council is warning that the number of ill-tempered wasps, bees and hornets will go up with a rush as the hot weather continues to excite the advocates of the human-induced global warming conspiracy. People are advised to wear white clothing, which will reflect the sun and blind marauding insects, and to avoid sugary drinks outdoors. Not antagonizing striped flying creatures will also help.

The Environment Dept. goes carbon mad
f dave milliband gets his way, everyone in the country, including the Queen, will be issued with a swipe card loaded with an annual carbon allowance. Every use of non-renewable energy, including petrol and airline tickets, will be charged to the card. Heavy users of such energy will have to buy more Carbon Points from the government as a further stealth tax.
   Anyone who doesn't use up their allocation will be able to sell the surplus to a central bank, which will buy Carbon Points at a whole lot less than the selling price, if scotch gordon brown has anything to do with this swindle.

Edinburgh Council gets an eyeful!
ew regulations for Edinburgh's strip clubs put the kybosh on total nakedness and oblige the clubs to install CCTV cameras connected to the council offices so that their compliance with the rules can be checked constantly by the council's T&A monitoring officer.

Attention, passport users!
f you can, renew yours before October 5th as the price will be going up by 29% to £66 for a standard model. An XL model with extra pages will cost £77. The price of a passport was last raised in December 2005, when it went up from £42 to £51. The annual inflation rate for passports is currently 62%.

"Get your head out of George Bush's ass!"

63% of the people asked by a Guardian/ICM poll think that smug bugger is too eager to do the bidding of the United States' regime, no matter how much it damages the interests of Great Britain. So they would like a bit of space in the relationship – something about as expansive as the space between President Bush's ears.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
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QUOTE OF THE MONTH

"It's like going to Robert Maxwell for advice on running a company pension fund."

This was the response on Garbagegate to the news that new labour, the world's most corrupt ruling party, is planning to spend £100 million of British taxpayers' money on stopping corruption in leaders of Third World countries.
   The fund will be used to help the media, trade unions and the country's parliament to hold the leadership to account – something which no longer happens in Britain.

Romiley News
ROMILEY NEWS
Heat-wave special #2

While NASA was failing to launch the space shuttle Discovery because of violent thunderstorms over Florida, Romiley got a dinnertime taste of them on the first Sunday of the month. Those watching the largely processional US Grand Prix from Indianapolis were given a little suspense – would the thunder, lightning and torrential downpour turn the flickerings of lights and TV into a lengthy blackout?
   In the event, the answer was no, and the signs of the storm passed very quickly when it was over. An hour or so after the gutters had been running half a yard wide with rivers of water, the pavements were dry again and we were back to oppressively hot & sticky conditions.

SPACE NEWS
Space Shuttle Discovery Launched At Last

Discovery launchAfter two aborted attempts, which were called off due to violent thunderstorms over Florida, the space shuttle Discovery finally set off on its trip to the International Space Station on American Independence Day.
   In fact, there was a certain suspicion that its launch was postponed deliberately to the 4th of July to add an extra feel-good factor.
   Lift-off came at 19:38 hours RLT (Romiley Local Time) and everything went so smoothly that ten minutes later, the staff at mission control were to be seen putting their jackets back on and pushing off to the pub.
Shuttle underside   As usual, the external tank did shed some bits of insulating foam, but early reports suggest that nothing big enough to be dangerous came off.
   Slightly more worrying were the black patches seen on the underside of the shuttle (looped in green) before separation from the external tank.
   Do we have some missing tiles? And are they vital ones? No doubt we'll be told in due course.

Heading for the runwaySpace shuttle Discovery lands in murky Florida

This time, NASA offered pictures to the TV networks showing the shuttle's approach to the runway at far from sunny Florida. Left : the pilot's eye view.
   The pilots in the audience at Romiley Space Authority were muttering, "Excuse me, shouldn't you be getting your nose up?" as the shuttle approached the runway, 'gliding like a brick' to quote the usual comparison.
   But everything went fine and there was a billow of smoke from the rear tyres as the space vehicle made contact with the runway at 14:14 hours RLT.
Discovery lands in Florida   This very important mission shows that NASA can operate the space shuttle safely if the cowboys and the doom merchants are left tied to a tree somewhere remote, where they can neither put the shuttle crew at unnecessary risk nor delay a take-off unreasonably.
   The next mission of a space shuttle to the International Space Station is scheduled for the autumn, and NASA will have to get its collective skates on if the ISS is to be finished before the surviving three shuttles are parked for the last time in 2010.

Inflatable space station prototypeNew type of orbiting spacecraft launched

Bigelow Aerospace has successfully inflated its Genesis I prototype spacecraft in orbit and deployed the solar arrays, which are supplying power to the onboard instruments.
   "All Systems are operating within expected parameters," said Robert T. Bigelow, the company's founder. The spacecraft's internal temperature is 78 deg.F (26 deg.C), and the air pressure is within normal limits.
   Launched on Wednesday July 12th aboard a Russian Dnepr rocket from Dombarovsky missile base in Siberia, the spacecraft was lifted to its designed orbit of 550 kilometres (340 miles). A short time later, computer-controller air tanks expanded the pre-folded structure into a watermelon shape.
   The one-third-scale prototype is 4.5 metres (15 feet) long and has a diameter of 2.4 metres (8 feet). The fabric shell is made of a composite of Kevlar and Vectran. It has a planned operational lifetime of 5 years to determine whether:
   1. it can maintain the designed air pressure and temperature;
   2. it can withstand any collisions with space debris and micro-meteorites, and
   3. solar radiation causes deterioration of the air-tight fabric shell.
   Bigelow Aerospace plans to launch another prototype in the autumn. The eventual plan is to create the first space hotel for private space tourists by linking a set of Genesis-type modules.
   The only slight cloud on the horizon is a lack of suitable transport from the Earth to the orbiting hotel. Which is why Robert T. Bigelow has launched a competition in the hope of awarding a $50 million prize to the builder of the first private spacecraft capable of carry five passengers and crew to an altitude of 400 kilometres (250 miles) by 2010.

SPORTS NEWS
England out of World Cup on penalties. Again!

footballFollowing 90 minutes of largely purposeless, scoreless, thrashing about against Portugal, and a similar 30 minutes of extra time, the England football team was let down badly by its penalty takers. Sven Eriksson, the vastly overpaid team coach, trumped his poor team selection and terrible tactics by picking 3 turkeys for the job. Owen Hargreaves showed everyone how to do it while the first 2 Portuguese players missed. Then Lampard, Gerrard & Carragher put on a truly pathetic and shamefully inept display of how to kick the ball at the goalkeeper.
UpdateThe horizontal Portuguese went out in their semi-final to a penalty for France, which was awarded after Henry added on some ham acting when fouled in the Portuguese penalty area. Germany, who never looked much like scoring, went out to Italy, who looked even less like scoring. So the smart money is on penalties to settle the final. Unless one of the coaches manages to stick a rocket up someone's ass!

The ScroungerGovernment blamed for footballing failure

xperts from a wide range of fields have concluded that England's ejection from the World Cup is a direct consequence of new labour's campaigns to put a stop to competitive sports in schools and to make English people feel bad about themselves via insincere apologies for the nation's achievements of the past and its wartime victories over foreigners.

footballWhat was his name? Baghdaditis?
ands up the English people who were supporting the Cypriot who blasted Scottish loudmouth Andy Murray's ass out of Wimbledon. Mr. Murray, it should be recalled, was cheering on England's opponents on during the World Cup.

Stitch that, Jimmy!"Stitch that, Jimmy!" – The enduring World Cup image . . .
as to be Zidane planting a head-but onto Materazzi's chest over some verbals from the Eyetie and getting himself sent off in his last ever match.
   "Fancy a player of his experience falling for some trash-talking from an Italian!"
UpdateZidane has been voted Best Player of the Tournament. Spit the bones out of that!
UpdateFIFA took nearly 2 days to decide that it needed to inquire into Zidane's very public assault on Italian opponent Marco Materazzi. While it would be no problem to fine Mr. Materazzi for bringing the game into disrepute, it's difficult to see what they can do to Zidane. They can't ban him because he won't be playing again, and he has no incentive to pay a fine to be allowed to play international football again if he has retired. So some pointless thrashing around before the whole episode is quietly forgotten looks likely.
UpdateFIFA has fined Zidane €4,500 and banned him from 3 international matches for nutting Materazzi, who was fined €3,000 and banned for 2 matches for provoking him.

One-hipped bloke wins Tour de France
t seems strange to see someone other than Lance Armstrong claiming the prize for this bike race, but Floyd Landis, also of the USA, has done it this year, even though he's scheduled for a hip replacement operation in September. He seemed out of it on Stage 16, when his legs gave out with 10 km to go and he lost a lot of time.
   He rode back into contention on Stage 17, winning the stage with his breakaway while the peloton hung back and did nothing. After an easy time on Friday's flat Stage 18, Landis took the overall lead via 3rd place in the Stage 19 time trial, and he managed to stay on his bike during the formality of Stage 20 and the finish in Paris.
UpdateLandis did it on drugs?
The A drug-testing sample given by the Tour de France winner after his amazing comeback win in Stage 17 showed an abnormally high level of testosterone. If the B sample gives the same result, that's Landis gone – stripped of his title and sacked by his team – and Oscar Pereiro gets his name in the record books instead.

Zidane's Disease spreads across Channel
ritish jockey Paul O'Neill is facing a short ban from racing for head-butting his horse at an event at Stratford. City Affair threw him off as they arrived at the start of a 2-mile hurdle race. So Mr. O'Neill gave his horse a nutting to the nose before remounting. The combination finished 4th.

travel
TRAVEL NEWS
Israel to be sued for millions

British holidaymakers who had to abandon a stay in Lebanon are to sue the state of Israel via a class action in the European Court.
   "Israel's eagerness to take part in European institutions (e.g. the Eurovision Song Contest), and its eagerness to seek special status, gives the European court system jurisdiction," an expert in international law told BlackFlag News.
   "And if awards of damages are ignore, Israel faces having bank accounts frozen and assets sequestrated until a satisfactory settlement is reached."
UpdateAs a second string, further class actions are to be raised against the US government in the United States. Our expert told BlackFlag News: "As the United States government has been paying for Israel's armaments via its aid budget since at least the Carter presidency, the United States is legally responsible for their misuse. British holiday makers who have been bombed out of Lebanon, and citizens of that country who have lost family members and property as a result of Israeli attacks, will also be entitled to seek compensation from the US government in American courts."

Brains in neutral on the hottest day
obsworth officials of Essex County Council cause an 11-mile traffic jam on the hottest July day on record by setting up road blocks to hold a traffic census. The local police tried to get them to think again, but the bureaucratic boobys could not be denied.

world news
WORLD NEWS
Warning #1 – the French getting tougher

Foreign motorists who speed and/or drive recklessly will be handed on-the-spot fines of up to €400 by French cops. And if they don't pay up, their vehicle will be impounded and the fine will rise steeply – to the point that the motorist might decide that the kidnapped vehicle just isn't worth redeeming!

Warning #2 – Universal fines on the way
rom 2007, fined imposed in one EU country will be enforceable in another. So anyone caught by a speed camera abroad can be pursued for the cash and persecuted at home.

300 year old conviction quashed
he state of Virginia has decided to pardon Grace Sherwood, the only resident ever convicted of witchcraft. Her trial in 1706 had a non-lethal outcome as, although the details of her punishment have not survived, the state records show that she lived on to the good old age of 80.

Dateline 17th July, South Lebanon
taly, Spain, Saudia and other countries have evacuated their citizens from Lebanon, which is under attack from Israel again. The British government, however, is sitting on its thumbs and outraged Britons in fear for their lives are describing the British embassy staff, with admirable restraint as 'useless' – which is pretty much par for the course.

Putin gets stick to beat smug bugger

Russian prime minister Vlad (the Horrible) Putin is beside himself with glee. He has had to put up with a whole bunch of self-righteous tosh from our present temporary prime minister over the lack of democracy and human rights in the new Russia. But having employed a former Downing Street insider to do his PR, he was able to shut smug bugger up at the G8 conference in St. Pete with the threat of mentioning cash for honours and other highlights of new labour's bog of sleaze.

smug bugger sticks it to his rivals

Our present temporary prime minister told the G8 summit, as a casual aside, that he expects to see the gang again next year and that he won't be standing down until he has put in a nice, round ten years at Downing Street. Get out of that, scotch gordon!

American Etiquette : Lesson 1
How should the President greet the British prime minister?
"Yo, Blair, ma' poodle! How is yo' ass!"
   Notes: The President should not stand up or offer to shake the prime minister's hand, and if the President is having his lunch at the time, it is acceptable to carry on chewin'.
   The prime minister should remain standing during the conversation, he should keep his tone respectful and he should speak only when spoken to.

Anything goes in the Netherlands!
trip to the court at The Hague has given the Dutch Paedophile Party the right to field candidates at the next general election. The people trying to get the PNVD party banned were told that it is up to the voters to pass judgement on them, and suppressing the party would violate its members' human rights of freedom of expression, freedom of assembly and freedom of association.

Eyes OFF the bigger picture
fficials in Jakarta had 20 minutes' warning of this month's tsunami which killed over 500 people when it hit Java. Warning centres in Hawaii and Japan contacted the Indonesian government, but the Science & Technology Ministry was too busy watching aftershocks from the earthquake to pass on the message. It was left to survivors of the Boxing Day 2004 tsunami to realize that it would be a good idea to head for high ground after an earthquake.

Israeli sinks to new war-crime depths in Lebanon
srael's air force is including Lebanese emergency services in its campaign of punishment. Even clearly marked ambulances are considered fair game for a missile attack under Israel's rules of engagement.
UpdateThe UN in South Lebanon has also become a target. Four UN observers at a 'long established and clearly marked monitoring post' were killed by an Israelis bomb, which one of their aircraft dropped onto the UN air-raid shelter as a climax to 6 hours of shelling.

Tramps in Paris get the bum's rush
he mayor of France's once splendid capital has promised to get rid of the eyesores, who are camping out on the city's streets and in its squares. But the citizens have had enough of empty pledges, tramps' tents, the rubbish and the revolting smells. Setting fire to a vagrant's tent is the usual method of protest and duffing up the occupant is becoming increasingly popular.

Gardez chien!
bloke in Sosnowiez in the south of Poland was lucky to get away with his life when Oscar, a St. Bernard dog, landed on him as he was walking along the street. The 110 lb dog's drunken owner had hurled him out of a 2nd storey window!

This Month's Garbage

The Garbage Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard & Jamie Carragher for gross negligence. Also Sven Eriksson for this tactics during the England versus Portugal match and for picking these clod-footed dolts to take penalties at the end of it.

The regulator's order that Thames Water (annual profits £350 million, prices up 21% in 2005) should spend just £150 million extra over the next 4 years on fixing leaks and not refund to its customers, at least some of the cash swindled from them.

The bill for the 2012 London Olympics has shot up from £1.5 billion to £5 billion, and there's still 6 years to go.

A one-sided extradition treaty automatically makes the NatWest/Enron Three innocent.

Tom Watson, governor of Brinsford Borstal, who has ruled that inmates can't be called 'prisoners' by his staff and that the staff have to address his customers as 'mister'.

smug bugger wants the NHS's customers to take more responsibility for their own health. Which is his way of admitting, "I've made a bog of the Health Service and you're on your own, people."

British Gas for putting up its price by 12.4% in September and doubling the cost of its gas in 3 years.

The United States and smug bugger cheering on the Israeli war crimes in Lebanon and the failure of the rest of the world to overrule them.

No. 10 Certificate of EndorsementThis edition of BlackFlag News was compiled in accordance with official 10 Downing Street guidelines on accuracy and veracity.

 
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