Memories of the Great Romiley Earthquakes of 1984 and 2002 flooded back over the bank holiday weekend when residents found one of the village's apparently eternal landmarks in disarray. Half of the advertising hoarding to the east of the railway bridge had collapsed across the pavement and become a hazard to navigation. Some rather heavy-duty equipment will be needed to shift it!
The wreckage was removed in the blink of an eye once the bank holiday was out of the way.
The JCB Dieselmax, which has twin turbocharged engines, has broken the land speed record for diesel-powered vehicles. Wing-Commander Andy Green, an RAF Harrier pilot, averaged 328 mph over his 2 runs on Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah.
The world's airlines have become increasingly worried about the size of the items of 'hand luggage' which passengers lumber aboard with them. But all that has changed for the better, from the airlines' point of view. This month's security scare has allowed them to limit carry-on baggage at major British airports to a maximum size of 45 x 35 x 16 cm [17.8 x 13.8 x 6.3 inches], including pockets, wheels, etc.
If you fly with BA, you'll be late
Moscow gets the hump!
Do-it-yourself UFO give MoD a fright!
"Give us the dosh!" say Chief Cons.
He'll soon cheer you up!
Two airports have enjoyed morale-boosting visits by new labour's pantomime horse during this month's crisis. Not Heathrow or Ringway but Humberside and Robin Hood (Doncaster) airports were favoured by old Four Shags to avoid adding unduly to the chaos.
ne-sixth of Ireland's motorists aren't bothering with a driving test. The law allows them to keep renewing their provisional licence and spares them the bother of ever qualifying as a proper motorist.
Cops go free
DO IT before it's too late!
Ever wondered why the film of Neil Armstrong stepping onto the Moon's surface in 1969 has such crap quality? It is so bad that it has led to people claiming that the Moon landings never happened. The answer is that the original NASA footage had to be converted into a format suitable for commercial broadcasting, which produced a severely degraded image quality.
Stand by for Plutons!
A new definition of what constitutes a planet threatens to increase the size of the Solar System at a stroke. The definition would let Pluto, a candidate for the chop, retain the status as a planet which it has enjoyed since its discovery in 1930. It would become the founder member of a new planetary grouping called Plutons, which take more than 200 Earth years to circle the Sun and which have orbits at extreme angles to those of the planets nearer to the Sun. The new members of the family would be:
Atlantis Mission sunk by hurricane
The government sent its head Dalek, ruth kelly, to croak at some community leaders and ask them what they want in exchange for giving up violent victimhood and starting to behave like decent citizens. Top of the list was their own Moslem bank holidays!
Price out of proportion
On the 21st of this month, the Royal Mail's Pricing in Proportion scam was introduced to rip off customers further. Size as well as weight now counts towards the cost of delivering something via the postal system. Items to be posting must now be passed through a hole in a measuring guide as well as placed on the scales, increasing waiting times, shortening customer tempers and placing stroppy staff in greater danger of physical violence.
All PR flash and no substance
A great marketing ploy
Saving the shareholders' dosh?
The price of 2nd class postage went up to 23p earlier in the year. But it looks like the Daily Mail has a special deal for postcards which lets them knock them out at a penny off!
One Man One Demo!
Essex coppers really narked!
Some comedian living near Colchester keeps putting home-made stickers on Speed Camera warning signs to tell motorists their real purpose. Motorists are quite amused by them but the Essex police don't see the joke and they are threatening to 'throw the book' at whoever is responsible for the 'acts of vandalism'. Which seems fairly typical of the modern approach to policing.
Dome Cheeky Buggers!
The Anschutz Organization, which is bidding for a super casino for the former Millennium dome with the assistance of deputy prime minister Four Shags, is in trouble again. It included in its bid package, a faked letter apparently showing support for the casino from local religious groups, and grovelling apologies have been issued.
This feature might have to be cancelled this month as new labour's bungling has meant that prisons are running out of spare cells. When the cells are full, new labour is planning to lay off all police officers until it's worth the country's while employing them again.
There's no 'arm in it!
elgian drivers can duck out of a parking fine by going to the right website and paying about €7 for a used ticket to prove their innocence.
hree Aussie prisoners, who escaped from a gaol in New South Wales, managed to travel 125 miles before making a major blunder. They tried to thumb a lift from an unmarked police car.
Desperation rules in Lincolnshire
Burglaries and other crimes are so out of control in Lincolnshire that the county's Christian Police Association thinks the only way forward is to get victims of unsolved crimes to go to church and pray to the Lord for an arrest.
Wapping Buggers Busted
Northumberland a great place for crime
IRA firebugs on rampage again
A bloke who was caught by a speed camera in Hyde (near Romiley) thought he had the ideal solution to avoiding a fine. He returned to the camera with some thermit and reduced it to smoking slag. Unfortunately for him, the camera's data was stored on a disk drive in the base of the camera's mounting, and it survived his assault. The last image taken by the camera was of the bloke's van and its registration number.
Forget slapping, the French go in for 'happy crashing' in Spain
Police make new demands
Coppers in the dock
MBE 4 Me
Lion Quality Eggs has responded to regular requests for help by inventing a logo which shows when an egg is boiled to a specified degree soft, medium or hard. The indicator is invisible when printed on the shell and it turns black when the egg has received the right amount of heat.
Stand by for more foody highway robbery
It's not just red veg which are good for you!
Junk food is good for something!
Crisps with everything!
Lord Forkbender, sometime flatmate of our present temporary (on holiday) prime minister and former ringmaster of the Millennium Dome, thought the Freedom of Information Act was a great idea when it took effect.
For 3 weeks starting from August 4th, corrupt new labour's pantomime horse is in charge of the country while our present temporary prime minister goes off on his freebie hols. The police investigation into Four Shags' antics with the Anschutz organization's Casinos Wing continues but he is unlikely to be busted while in charge of Britain.
What goes around comes around
Thanks for all the fish, but no 'So long'!
Poles out after 130 years
he Department of Guesswork has estimated that 750,000 people living in areas of the South-East which are subject to drought orders and hosepipe bans are creeping out in the dead of night to water their gardens.
The vultures gather
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
As a public service, Jenson Farrago is offering access to his collection of bogus lottery, phishing and other email spam.
What used to be Poland's 4th largest city is losing its population, and its place in the league table, with distressing speed. The citizens are all sloping off to England for the good life. So Wroclaw has started an advertising campaign over here to tell its émigrés about the advantages of living and working back home, away from stroppy foreigners. The big problem is that English wages for skilled jobs can be up to 20 times what someone would make in Poland.
British troops die in Iraq & Afghanistan while smug bugger schmoozes America
Having sent our troops to fight George Bush's foreign wars, which smug bugger admits are being bungled on the political front, the man himself has dashed off to the States. When he's not knocking back margaritas by the bucketful, he's job-hunting and hoping to ingratiate himself with the bosses of companies which have made a bundle under the Bush regime.
Back-door ban for foreign colas
"Vote any way you like, but vote for me!"
Bombing without responsibility
Dracula Park set to rise from its grave?
Romania's then tourism minister put plans to build a tacky Dracula theme park on hold when Prince Charles rubbished the idea during a state visit. Four years on, a new tourism minister has decided it's not a bad idea, after all.
A Man with a Plan: Stop the Rot and DO IT NOW!
resident Ahmadin Egad! of Iran reckons the best way to bring peace to the Middle East would be to destroy Israel. Hmmm . . .
Plus, you'd have the place over-run by Jewish foreign fighters the way Iraq is full of Iranians, Pakistanis, Afghans, British Jihadistas, etc.
How can Israel afford to pay compensation for 1,000 Lebanese citizens dead, thousands more injured, a million refugees, most of them made homeless and infrastructure damage which will cost BILLIONS to put right?
Looks like the only practical solution to the Middle East's problems is to set of enough neutron bombs to wipe out the natives while preserving the archaeology.
Mobile phones are a major health hazard. They are crawling with ten of thousands of bugs per square inch and they are kept in warm conditions which are idea for multiplying bacteria.
Dell laptops double as novelty barbeques!
Research at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota has shown that truly obese people, in terms of their Body Mass Index, have a greater risk of dying from a heart-related illness than those with a 'normal' BMI. No surprise there, but the research also shows that, compared to 'normals', overweight people live longer and really skinny people die sooner.
Recipe for further disaster
f you want to live forever, drink four cups of tea a day. This is the advice of Dr. Carrie Ruxton, a public health nutritionista. Drinking the right amount of tea prevents heart attacks, cancer and tooth decay, ensures proper hydration of the body, builds healthy bones, helps concentration, improves the tea-drinker's mood and provides antioxidants to kill off free radicals.
o-called 'healthy' orange drinks, and other acidic ones, are eating away the nation's teeth, the British Dental Association has warned. Tea, on the other hand, is good for them.
ider is being pushed as a rival for tea in the universal panacea stakes. English cider apples are supposed to contain phenolic antioxidants, which prevent strokes, heart disease and cancer.
No, it's nothing to do with James Bond. Relatives of the service personnel killed in corrupt new labour's foreign wars have formed a new political party, which intends to fight by-elections and put up to 70 candidates into the field at the next general election. The members of Spectre feel that they have been lied to, ignored and insulted by corrupt new labour. Their ambition is to make cnl's ministers 'pay with their seats'.
Compiled in 1086, it is finally available to all in 2006. No, it's not another corrupt new labour computer project, which has run well past its completion date and come in a ten-times its budget. But it has the feel of one!
The founder of the seminal 1960s band Love has died at 61. His band was the first signed to the folk-rock Elektra label and the 3rd release, Forever Changes (Feb. 1968) achieved 'classic album' status, although it failed to make much money. Arthur Lee celebrated the darker side of flower power with his lyrical arrangements and sinister messages. He spent the next 30-odd years rebuilding his band in various forms. He was stuck in gaol from 1996 to 2001 for firing a gun outside his apartment. His early release from a 12-year sentence put him back in circulation with an audience for his back catalogue and full of inspiration, which leukemia snuffed out.
The American physicist who discovered the radiation belts around the Earth, which now bear his name, has died at 91. He designed scientific instruments for research flights ranging for miniature instruments for small rockets and balloons to the instruments added to space probes which travelled to other planets in the solar system, and beyond. Instruments which he built for Explorer 1, the first ever U.S. satellite, discovered the Van Allen Belts radiation belts and spawned an entirely new field of research; magnetospheric physics. Van Allen designed the first instruments taken to another planet the 1962 Mariner 2 mission to Venus and his later projects studied radiation belts around Jupiter and Saturn. He taught at the University of Iowa until his retirement in 1985 but he continued to write, supervise research and monitor data gathered by satellites "as long as he was able".
The artist who painted the Green Lady, the best-selling commercial print of all time, has died at 93. He considered his 1950 portrait of a San Francisco restaurant owner's daughter to be his personal Mona Lisa but the image, which features a blue-skinned woman in a bright yellow dress, earned him the title The King of Kitsch.
French fries (skinny apologies for chips) and French toast (a.k.a. eggbread) are back on the menu at the cafeteria in the US Congress after an absence of 3 years. They were renamed 'freedom fries' and 'freedom toast' respectively after the French (a.k.a. cheese-eating surrender monkeys) opposed President Bush's invasion of Iraq. Apparently, nobody cares any more.
Only £30 million over budget. Only 3 years late. So it's a typical corrupt new labour Millennium Project.
The paintings are too famous to sell and the motive for the theft was probably a hare-brained ransom attempt which didn't work out.
Two accomplices were gaoled earlier this year but the gunmen are still at large despite numerous arrests by the Norwegian police and the offer of a reward of 2 million kroner (£170,000). The embarrassed museum had to spend £4.3 million on a security upgrade after the thefts.
Having enjoyed freebie holidays at Sir Cliff Richards' villa in Barbados, our PTPM is supporting Sir Cliff's campaign to extend the copyright period on his early work from 50 years to 70 years. The 50-year rule is eroding income from performers, who thought that their early work would provide a nice pension in their declining years. Sir Cliff will start to lose bits of his personal pension from 2008 onwards. Lots of other artists are affected but some, like the Rolling Stones, probably aren't too worried as they can always go out on tour again and make a packet.
In confusion lies extra profit
Extortion, Extortion, Extortion!
Amputating the hand that feeds him?
Royal Mail shoots itself in the foot
Bush: "Yo, Blair. We need to get Lebanon off of the TV news. There's too goddam much of it."
Blair: "I don't know what you guys have talked about but I could do something on the security alert front."
Bush: "Yeah, sounds good."
Blair: "In fact, something to do with air travel with the anniversary of the 9/11 thingie coming up."
Bush: "Yeah, yeah, sweet . . .."
Blair: "A major security alert with armed police at all the airports and some usual suspects arrested, and like that."
Bush: "I just want some movement . . ."
Blair: "And if we don't tell the guys at the airports what's happening, we'll have thousands of passengers milling around with nothing better to do than moan at TV crews."
Bush: "Yeah, works for me."
Blair: "And it should put the kybosh on recalling Parliament."
Bush: "Yeah, that, too. So what's the weather like in London?"
Blair: "Actually, I'm on holiday again. And it looks while I'll be able to stay on holiday if this works out right."
Congrats to Jenson Button for his first Formula One win in soggy Hungary. He came out on top in the only race of this season that's been worth watching. Button qualified in 4th place but an engine change dropped him 10 places and he started one place ahead of the current champion, Fernando Alonso, who had been dropped to 15th for dangerous driving during qualifying.
The new Wembley stadium has a pitch and goal posts, but only as a PR exercise. The stadium won't be open for at least another year, and they have to play a series of trial matches to get its safety certification sorted out. So anyone who wants to see next year's Cup Final live will have to do it in Cardiff for the 7th year running.
The penalty for being a nutter
The penalty for having too much testosterone
Fourth Test match reduced by 20%
he umpires for the 4th Test against England, an Australian and a West Indian, award 5 runs against Pakistan for ball tampering. Instead of taking the rap and appealing later, the Pakistanis refused to come out to play after the tea interval, and the umpires have no choice but to award the match to England.
|Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression.|
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