The Black Flag - June 2002

2002/June

Mrs. Gobachyov at St. Paul's

Double Sock-In-The-Mush for Vice-Prez

Sock No. 1 was the success of the Queen's Jubilee celebrations in the first week of the month, which took the spotlight right off the Vice-Prez. The only pictures of the Blairs in the papers showed the awful Mrs. V-P yawning her head off in public without the benefit of a hand in front of the enormous gob. And even worse, the V-P wasn't allowed to join the other royals on the balcony at Buck House.
Slap No. 2 was the boy Beckham beating the Argies in the World Cup and further diverting attention from the Vice-Prez. ["Up Yours, Señors!" - The Sun.] Not only did the victory undermine New Labour's campaign to obliterate the English national identity, it also blew out of the water the V-P's plans for a quiet hand-over of the Falkland Islands when he's shed Gibraltar.
So what was the ignored V-P's reaction to this? He's only going to invade Kashmir along with the Prez to get some media attention again. Poland next?

Black Spot Ousted

Downing Street advisors have come up with a cute wheeze to rid the Vice-Prez of his persecutor, Black Rod. They're going to have his name declared politically incorrect on the grounds that it has Ethnic Offence Potential and abolish him. That'll teach him to dare to tell the truth instead of burping out New Labour Double-Think!

The Bad Guys Are Still At It!

Osama bin Saddam Al Laden

In the USA, the security system has had Osama bin Saddam Al Laden, the man who takes the world's worst photograph, in custody for over a month for a thought crime. Apparently, he thought it might be a good to explode a 'dirty' radioactive bomb in the Land of the Free -- not that he actually had the plans or the materials to make such a device. But now his lawyer, who has one of the world's weirdest haircuts, is saying that he's innocent. If she does get him off, and Mr. Laden proves to be more than just a criminal thinker, let's hope he explodes his dirty bomb right next to his lawyer's office. Kaboom!
   Also in the USA, the Prez wants the CIA to knock off Saddam Hussein. But given their track record against Fidel Castro, the smart money is going on the Mother of All Presidents remaining in office long after Dubya is history.
   In Scotland, unemployed terrorist and president Nelson M'Andela is trying to find something to do with himself. Unlike his neighbour Mr. M'Ugabe of Rhodesia, he failed to get himself made Prez-For-Life of Sarf Efrica and so he's trying to get himself noticed again. His Big Idea was to head for the Bar-L ranch in Glasgow to complain that the other inmates are upsetting Lockerbie bomber Mohamed McGrahi by shouting at him -- which is supposed to amount to psychological torture. So? Are we supposed to care, or something?
   In England, sketchy reports are coming out of an attempt by a shadowy political figure and his cohorts to hi-jack the Queen Mother's funeral. His supporters in the news media are saying that it's unfair for their colleagues to be rotten to the poor bloke as he's totally innocent, a really nice bloke for a Vice-Prez and he had no idea what his mates were up to anyway. Shame!
   Also in England, human criminals are being put out of business by trained apes in the Hackney area of North London. Apparently, the creatures can reach into windows and grab mobile phones, which are later used by foreign terrorists. Scotland Yard is looking into the situation -- but not too hard. According to evolutionary psychologist Professor Richard Byrne of St. Andrews University, training an ape to do this would take too much time and energy and it would be easier for the thief to do-it-himself.

Round One Round-Up

Reigning champions France couldn't win a match. Germany fought World War III with its former African colony Camaroon. The teams set a record for bookings -- a grand total of 16 -- with 7 players on each side being booked and the two who were booked twice, one on either side, getting their marching orders. Quite a fair number of people think Germany 8, Saudia 0 involved a bung to one of the most corrupt nations on Earth, particular as the boss of FIFA is one of the most corrupt Germans on the planet. The USA got through to Round 2 for the first time ever. Oh, yes -- and England beat the Argies for the first time since 1982 and one of the tournament favourites got their marching orders. Sometimes, the Hand of God delivers a clip around the ear, but not often enough!

Round Two Round-Up

A perfect win for England. The Irish should have practised their penalties. Germany and Brazil took their time about winning their matches. USA 2, Mexico 0? What's that all about? Don't say Dubya's Demons are fixing to win it! The Japs went out but co-hosts the South Koreans went through at the expense of Italy! We're still on course for Engand v the USA in the final.

Quarter-Final Controversy

England became clueless after a fluke goal by Brazil. The USA was robbed when the blind officials failed to spot a goal-saving, goal-line hand-ball. Spain was robbed of a Golden Goal and the South Koreans had been practising their penalties. Afterwards, Spain lodged an official complaint and the newspapers started wondering about the size of the bungs which had kept South Korea going. Sepp Blatter, who stands accused of using FIFA cash to buy his own re-election, took a swipe at the officials. But with part of the World Cup being played in the first equal most corrupt country in the world, and regulated by an organization led by the most corrupt German on the planet, no wonder the conspiracy theorists are on quadruple time. Finally, Turkey's blunt attack sneaked up on Senegal in extra time.

And Finally ...

The bungs ran out and Germany got another late goal against South Korea. Brazil managed only one against Turkey. In the 3rd place match, Turkey jumped the South Korean defence and scored in 10.8 seconds! They went on to win 3-2 with the hosts getting a late goal to make the scoreline look a bit more respectable. The Germans were all over Brazil in the final, taking the ball off them with ease, but their attack was blunt. The Brazilians knocked in 2 chances and wasted a whole lot more.

Part 1 -- In Search Of A Good Script

Forestry worker Terry Barton started a major fire in Pike Forest near Denver. No argument about that. Her story was that she was burning a letter from her ex-husband in a fit of letter-rage and the fire got out of hand. But the investigators have come up with a much better scenario -- she started the fire deliberately so she could put it out and become a heroine!
The bad news for Ms Barton is that if she's convicted of deliberately starting a forest fire, she faces a fine of $1,000,000; which amounts to 38 years' wages. And she won't get out of gaol until she's 103.

Part 2 -- Doomsday Postponed

Friday, June 14th was the day when the Earth could have been hit by 2002MN - an asteroid of size 360 x 160 feet travelling at 23,000 mph. It missed us by 75,000 miles, one-third of the distance from the Earth to the Moon, and it wasn't spotted until Monday, 3 days after the close encounter.
The asteroid is too small to be detected by routine scans, which look only for bodies larger than 1 km in diameter. If it had hit the Earth, 2002MN would have devastated an area 50 miles across and the impact could have been interpreted as a nuclear first strike. Wipe-out!

Tutti Bananas, Prodi!

The minions of the EU have been telling us for years that their alleged directives on the straightness of bananas [EC Regulation 2257/94] and cucumbers are media myths and they never framed any such rules. All lies!
   The truth came out after two High Court judges ruled that the straightness regulations have no legal standing in Britain and that the petty jobsworths who hauled Asda into court had no right to stick their noses in.
   The past victims of EU fruit complaints include a wholesaler in Hull, which was done in 1995 for selling strawberries which were "too square" and the operator of a market stall in Burnley, who was hauled up for selling eggs which had "the wrong shape". Also, the EU has ruled that it is illegal to sell peaches of diameter 51 - 56 mm after June 30.
   And then they complain when people call them a bunch of useless bastards!

Middle East : Peace In Our Time!

Palestinian Prez Yosser Arafat has offered to step down and be replaced, as requested by Prez Dubya, subject to 2 small conditions.
   1. The United States must hold a presidential election regulated by a Palestinian Electoral Supervision Committee to obtain a democratically elected leader without election fraud, particularly in Florida.
   2. Israel hold must hold a general election in which NO CANDIDATE HAS TERRORIST CONNECTIONS as certified by a Palestinian Electoral Supervision Committee.
   Now, that's fair, ain't it?