May Day / Local elections
We thought about doing an item on these topics but we couldn't be bothered - just like the protesters and the voters.
Oh, No! The 'X' Word"
"What are you giving your kid for Xmas?"
"Tony Blair's government. The lad's always wanted a cowboy outfit and Blair's is pretty cheap. They'll do anything for the price of a newspaper."
"Don't Blair me," Pleads Blunk
The current Home Secretary (D. Blunkett, Ed.), due to address an angry Police Federation conference, came up with the drippiest reason imaginable for not barracking him. Booing him, he reckoned, would set a bad example to thieves and violent criminal everywhere!
They might have invented the term "big girl's blouse" for such a craven lackey as Blunk. In the event, he started his gig at the Police Federation conference with a grovelling apology for being so crap in his job, which meant that he got a rough ride but no actual boos.
p.s. Blunk doesn't want the police to publish real crime statistics in competition with Home Office's dodgy guestimates because having too many sets of numbers in circulation "drives up the fear of crime".
There isn't a girl in the universe big enough to provide a Blunk-size blouse!
"Don't Blair me" #2
Liar Byers (S. Byers, MP, sometime Transport Secretary, Ed.) parts with the truth about New Labour's plot to rig a referendum and sneak the UK into the eurozone. Next thing you know, the Vice-Prez is going ballistic and calling him a liar! Given the global shiftiness of the V-P and his crew of cronies, it's obvious now that Byers is going to get bombed by the media when he tells lies and bombed by the V-P when he spills genuine beans. Nice!
p.s. The Vice-Prez as Prez For Life of the EU? Blair Heil!
"Don't Blair me" #3
The bogus Zinovyev Letter, which advised British Communists to carry out subversive activities, was published in 1924 and brought down the first ever Labour government. 78 years later, New Labour have tried the same trick on their opponents.
The Times published a letter, allegedly from two senior military men, defending the government's plan to scrap the Royal Navy's Sea Harrier aircraft. But when former Defence Minister Nicholas Soames tabled a Commons question asking if the officers had been given permission to write to the papers, the wheels came off.
Defence Minister Adam Ingram had to admit that no officers with the names quoted were currently employed by either the navy or the air force.
Insiders are now saying that the letter has to be the work of New Labour's spin doctors – and few people are disbelieving them.
The Thief versus The Fascist
Jacques Chirac would be wearing a suit with arrows on it if he wasn't sitting in the French president's office again. The police would - well, love to question him is probably dead wrong, given the repressive nature of the French way of doing things. Getting on the wrong side of the Establishment, even to weed out corruption - especially to weed out corruption - is a certain career-cruncher over there. Start again.
The police should be questioning Chirac about his serial fraud and cronyism during his previous years in office (so he's the Vice-Prez's role model, is he?), but they can't touch him while he holds the highest office in the land.
The French electorate knew this but they still chose to let him back in and they even managed to feel good about it by pointing out that they hadn't elected Jean-Marie Le Pen. Odd lot, the Frogs.
Watch Your Backs, Chaps
The murder of right-wing politician Pym Fortuyn by a left-wing nutter had an interesting effect on the Dutch general election. The Socialists and Liberals lost a whole bunch of seats and a right-wing coalition took over. That must have set our New Labour and Trivial-Democrat leaders quaking in their boots, hoping that none of our home-grown lefty loonies takes a pot shot at Mr. IDS Dunc (a.k.a Ian Duncan Smith, sometime leader of the Conservative & Unionist party Ed.), the similarly skin-headed scatterbrain with whom the Tories are currently saddled.
It's a real job keeping up with the price of things today. Everyone knows you can buy favours from the Blair government with luncheon vouchers. But how much does it cost to buy a Formula One Grand Prix win?
For Ferrari, the price at Austria was a £10 million, 2-year contract for their No. 2 driver and a lot of adverse publicity. But only from those misguided souls who still thought that motor "sport" isn't an oxymoron.
Hey, wake up, guys! It's big business and exploitation and making money now. There hasn't been any sport in Formula One in living memory. It was just one more dodgy episode in the tainted career of their No. 1 driver.
There used to be a guy in the World Wrestling Federation in the late 1980s called Ted DiBiase, the Million Dollar Man, who reckoned he could buy anything, the WWF Championship included. Looks like he's working for Ferrari now.
We can't wait for the International Put A Ferrari In A Car Crusher Day!
Camelot chief executive Dianne Thompson has told the punters that they have no realistic chance of winning the Lottery. But, as a consolation prize, she's going to "put the fun back in".
You pay your quid, you get a ticket and you don't win. Where's the fun in that? Where's the hope of the slightest bit of fun-potential in that?
"Nurse, she's out of bed again!"
Boy Beckham Breaks A Leg!
The Boy Beckham broke his leg while walking on to the pitch for England's first World Cup match. The entire population of England committed suicide in the next 10 minutes. Bogus asylum seekers immediately flooded into the country to fill the vacuum, many dropped helicopter by the French air force, and joined battle with looters from Wales, Scotland and all-Ireland.
Despite frantic efforts, Tony Blair was unable to find out where the Scottish Chancellor Gordon Brown, who was multiply assassinated during the mass suicide campaign, had hidden his famous War Chest, which contains billions and billions of hi-jacked tax-payers' cash.
New Fiver Disappearing Serial Number
Shock Horror Drama!
The Bonk of England unveiled the most forger-proof and longest lasting fiver in the whole history of the universe. They then had to stop issuing them because someone had found out that the serial numbers can be rubbed off. Clearly, the notes are a prime example of New Labour Syndrome -- all flash and no substance.
But why are disappearing serial numbers such a tragedy? If somone steals a load of cash, it can be traced, in theory, via the serial numbers and it becomes unspendable hot money. But if someone takes the time and trouble to erase the serial numbers from a whole heap of stolen fivers, it's still hot money. After all, a stack of fivers with no numbers at all is just as suspect as a stack with dodgy numbers.
If everything but the serial number
rubs off, does that mean it's a dud?