A friend of an RLC author had two lengthy stays in hospital and she complained about feeling isolated. So he knocked up a set of newsletters for her and invited contributions from his colleagues to a jokes section. Never ones to waste anything, RLC has recycled those jokes for our web visitors' delectation (or otherwise).

"Doctor, my wife thinks she's a cat."
    "What can I do, Mr. Smith?"
"Just stop her eating mice."

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got!

"Doctor, I feel like a billiard ball."
    "Get to the back of the queue."

The doctor's proverb: When it comes to injections, it is better to give than to receive.

If you have a headache, put your head through a window and the pane will disappear.

"Dr. Papadooblopolopolis is waiting to see you."
    "Which doctor?"
"Oh, no, he's fully qualified."

What's red and stupid?
    A blood clot.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, you have rabies and it may prove fatal."
    "Can I borrow your pen, Doctor?"
"To make out your will?"
   "No, I want to make a list of people I want to bite."

"Why are you scratching yourself, Mary?"
    "No one else knows where I itch, Doctor"

"Good morning, Mrs. Smith. I haven't seen you for a long time.
    "I know, Doctor, I've been ill."

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a goat."
    "How long have you had this feeling?"
"Ever since I was a kid, Doctor."

"Did you know deep breathing kills germs?"
    "Really? And how do you get them to breathe deeply, Doctor?"

"Mrs. Smith, you have acute angina."
   "I'm here to be examined, Doctor, not admired."

"Will little Tommy's measles be better next week, Doctor?"
   "I never make rash promises, Mrs. Jones."

"What can you give me for flat feet, Doctor?"
   "How about a bicycle pump?"

"Doctor, Doctor, kiss me!!!"
   "But I have scruples, Mrs. Jones."
That's all right, I've been vaccinated."

"Can I take your pulse now, Mrs. Smith?"
   "Why? Haven't you got one of your own?"

"So Elsie left her job because of illness?"
   "Yes, her boss got sick of her."

"My doctor put me on a diet with lots of corn and vegetable oils."
   "Does it work?"
"I don't know yet, but I've stopped squeaking."

"This hospital must have a very clean kitchen."
   "How do you know that, Mrs. Jones?"
"Because all the food tastes of soap."

"I still feel very tired, Doctor."
   "But didn't you take your sleeping pills?"
"They looked so peaceful in their little bottle, I didn't like to wake them up."

"I hear your cured my friend of biting his nails, Doctor."
   "Yes, I knocked all his teeth out."

"Does your wife cook by gas or electricity, Mr. Bimmler?"
   "I don't know, Doctor, I've never thought of trying to cook her."

"Give you a sick note for hypochondria, Mr. Jones? Are you trying to make a fool of me?"
   "I never try to improve on Nature, Doctor."

Penicillin - the perfect present for the man who has everything.

"So if I take these little blue pills, will I get better, Doctor?"
   "Well, put it this way, none of my patients has ever come back to ask for more..."

"Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards."
   "Sit down. I'll deal with you later."

"We've just had a case of tonsilitis in."
   "Good, I need a change from Lucozade."

"My wife has a slight impediment with her speech, Doctor. Now and again, she has to stop to take a breath."

What do toothless Arabs speak?
   Gum Arabic!

"I had a fall last night that left me unconscious for eight hours, Doctor."
   "That's dreadful, Mrs. Smith! What happened?"
"I fell asleep, Doctor."

If at first you don't succeed, that's normal!

"Doctor, that operation left me with one leg an inch shorter than the other. What am I supposed to do now?"
   "Limp, Mrs. Jones."

"Doctor, this nine-course hospital dinner is great! What do you think I should have to follow the pudding?"
   "Indigestion, I should think."

"Doctor, I was playing my mouth organ and I suddenly swallowed it."
   "Look on the bright side, Mr. Smith. It could have been your grand piano."