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Eggs Benedict Arnold - Your waiter feels underpaid and passed over for promotion, so he defects to another restaurant, leaving you sitting at your table like a lemon.

Eggs Baader-Meinhof - Your waiter is kidnapped, held to ransom and shot, so you never actually get your meal.

Eggs George Bush - By the time you've filled in all the booking forms, and negotiated the security checks and the arrogant, pushy staff on the restaurant's door, you've lost your appetite and probably also the will to live.

Eggs Dave Cameron - You get free-range eggs served up by waiters in hoodies.

Eggs Jacques Chirac - The posh French restaurant collects a massive subsidy from the European Union and the owner, an elected official of the state, is claiming the entire food bill for the restaurant on his official expenses as 'household expenses'.

Eggs Tony Blair - What you think are eggs are really genetically modified laboratory specimens, which have never been near a hen, and the bastard who supplies the crap made enough money out of it to buy a seat in the House of Lords before the roof fell in on New Labour's sleaze department.

Eggs Gordon Brown - The restaurant's computer booking system doesn't work and if you do manage to get past the means-tests, the portions are tiny, badly prepared, inedible, indigestible and vastly overpriced, and there's a huge stealth service charge added to every bill.

Eggs CIA - The service is good, the food is mass-produced and hey, if one or two customers get killed by friendly fire once in a while, what the hell?

Eggs Battlestar Galactica - You probably won't finish your meal before the Cylons attack.

Eggs Saddam Hussein - The entire staff of the only restaurant for miles is executed for living in the same city as a failed assassin and the place is shut down, so you go hungry.

Eggs KGB - There is a bug in your meal but you're too scared to mention it.

Eggs bin Laden - The plate explodes 5 seconds after it reaches your table and you don't have to pay for the meal.

Eggs Mafia - If you don't like Italian food, don't expect to make it out of the restaurant alive.

Eggs Karl Marx - You are arrested for exploiting the masses and sent to Siberia before your meal arrives.

Eggs MI-5 - You get average service and an average meal, but at least you do get to eat, even if the waiters look a bit foreign, because the owner works for the Russians and he went to school and/or university with the head of the Security Service.

Eggs Milosevich - If you're not a Serb, don't expect to make it out of the restaurant alive.

Eggs Mossad - The restaurant is blown to bits by the Israeli airforce, with you inside it, because someone who looked a bit Palestinian was seen within 5 miles of the place.

Eggs McGuinness - The IRA shoots your waiter in the back of the head as he's bringing your bill, allowing you to escape without paying in the confusion. [a.k.a. Eggs Adams]

Eggs Napalm - Everyone within a quarter-mile radius gets some.

Eggs New Labour - The menu is a work of art, the presentation is wonderful but the eggs were served up a year ago and they've just been rehashed and repackaged.

Eggs Pol Pot - If your IQ is higher than 32, don't count on getting out of the restaurant alive.

Eggs Red Brigades - Your waiter is called away to help rob a bank so you either go to another restaurant or starve.

Eggs Scrooge - No one anywhere gets any eggs.

Eggs Josef Stalin - If you're not a high-up Communist Party member who's currently in favour, don't expect to get any eggs; and if you complain, your next stop is Siberia.

Eggs Stargate SG-1 - If you're very unlucky, you get an egg with a Goa'uld in it!

Eggs Virgin - You might get your meal hot and well-served, or it might be hours late; you'll never know which.

Eggs Zinédine Zidane - Some bald French bloke nuts your waiter in the chest as he's bringing your meal and everyone but you gets a share of the eggs when they go flying.

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No trees were consumed by Henry T. Smith Productions, 10 SK6 4EG, G.B. in creating this webpage for Romiley Literary Circle. © RLC, 2006