Things we should be told as a matter of urgency . . .
- Sudbury town council in Suffolk has banned bingo callers from saying 'two fat ladies, 88, 'legs 11' and similar traditional combinations at charity events at the town hall in case fat people, or people with legs, take offence and sue the council. Why can't the government pass a law allowing sensible people to impose a spot-fine of, say, £500 on idiots who come up with ideas like this for the good of the human race?
- Why do politicians lie so much when they know they'll be found out? Such as by telling us a foreign dictator has weapons of mass destruction when he hasn't, or telling us a budget will cut taxes when the reverse is true. Which leads to a second question why do politicians think telling the electorate they've drawn a line under something and moved on puts a snafu right or excuses a lie?
- What is the point of the Office of Fair Trading when it won't take on the banks over illegal penalty charges for fear of the banks starting another scam, such as an end to 'free banking', to inflate their excessive profits? And if 'free' banking does come to an end, will the banks be obliged to pay a fair rate of interest on cash in current accounts?
- What do we call 'The Black Hole of Calcutta' now that the word 'black' has been banned on political correctness grounds. Or do we just pretend it never happened as the victims of this felonious imprisonment weren't incarcerated by the filthy British?
- When did the Labour Party become an imitation monarchy with Gordon Brown allowed to take over the top job as the nominated heir without some sort of election.
- If the Labour Party is violently against Tony Blair's latest scheme for messing about with the education system, does that mean there might be something in it?
- What makes the BBC think its unwatched digital services are worth a licence fee of £200 per year and what is digital radio for if it can't deliver the same quality as FM radio on an easily portable receiver?
- Is Tony Blair planning to quit anytime soon? Or will he hang about until the economic downturn arrives and Gordon Brown is exposed as a meddler who has no idea what he's doing?
- Is Britain getting a referendum on the EU Constitutional Treaty, or what?
- How fast does a police officer have to be driving to be convicted of speeding? [Clue: 159 mph isn't fast enough]
- Why were MEPs allowed to vote on reforming the system for paying their expenses (to eliminate corruption) when everyone knew there was no chance they'd clean up their act?
- Why shouldn't Camilla become queen if Charles becomes king?
- What was the point of the bill to ban fox hunting if people are still doing it?
- What was God doing on Boxing Day 2004 while his customers were being wiped out by a Tsunami?
- If Saddam Hussein starves himself to death on a hunger strike, will anybody care?
- If ID cards are so essential in the 'war against terror', why don't we need to have them until 2012?
- Why do people still fall victim to African email fraudsters when their activities have received so much publicity? And why do they fall victim to '419-baiters' when the people who wind them up have received so much publicity?
- Why is it that so many people are keen to see Tony Blair keep his job until the next election? Is it because the know that The Mugger will make an even bigger hash of running the country? Or is it just because they enjoy watching a shifty bugger wriggle?
- If governments are allowed to impose things like a 'carbon tax' in response to global warming, how can anyone be sure they'll spend the money on anything useful? How can anyone be sure that they know how to reverse climate change trends and when did they ask anyone if we want to have them trying to mess about with our planet's climate?
- If the UK doesn't grant asylum to war criminals, what are members of the Afghan Taliban party doing here? Or was the 'war' in Afghanistan another 'police action', like the Korean 'War'?
- Rentokil Initial -- what do they do? Beat bugs to death with a damp towel?
- Why doesn't President Bush just sent Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, to Iraq to sort out Saddam Insane?
- Jean-Paul Galtieri -- which one is he? The Argentinean general who got busted for crimes against his people or the bloke who makes weird frocks?
- Can we expect to see a retrospective death penalty introduced for Argentineans who break the Boy Beckham's bones?
- How much have the Mugger and New Labour been bunged to keep open the tax loopholes which let the super-rich live here practically tax free? No, we don't believe that the party of control-freakery and excessive regulation is doing anything other than dragging its feet to keep the cash flowing into its coffers.
- Why doesn't our Glorious Leader stop messing about and declare Mandy a protected species like Stephen Byers? And give him a knighthood for 'services to political truth'?
- Why do newsreaders on ITV 1's lunchtime news keep telling us, We've been on the air since 12:30? We, the viewers, don't bloody care!
- RLC author leads the way! But why has it taken so long? For the first time ever, we get to recycle an opening line for one of these pieces! Ivan Massow, chairman of the Institute for Contemporary Arts branded most 'conceptual art' as "pretentious, self-indulgent, craftless tat" on Wednesday, 2002/01/16. Has someone lent him a copy of Dreamers Of The Day by Jon Gored? Which has been saying the same thing - and offering a positive counterblast - for the last 5 or so years.
- RLC author leads the way! But why has it taken so long? The police are planning to switch from harassing motorists to tackling street crime [2002/01/11]. Could it be that someone at New Scotland Yard has been mining Prey by Jon Gored for ideas? What RLC authors write about last year, the police and the Home Office think about doing today. Nice to know we're steering people in a useful direction. But maybe they should start throwing some money at the RLC Think Tank. The British public would get better value for money from us that it gets from Tony's Cronies.
- It's all very well having the decommissioners watch concrete being poured into IRA weapons bunkers - but how do we know they didn't sneakily remove everything via a secret back-door tunnel after the concrete set?
- Is there anyone out there who doesn't believe that the Jeffrey Archer saga is following a carefully calculated script? And that he's not scheduled to get off on appeal as a result of some dodgy and highly obscure technicality?
- Has anyone seen a better description of the 2001 General Election result than the one from Dame Shirley Williams, namely that it was a mudslide rather than a landslide?
Keith Waterhouse called it a "landslip" in the Daily Mail (11/06/01), but that doesn't quite capture New Labour's overtones of sleaze.
And does it really matter if we have a governing party which 75% of the electorate rejected?
- Do 2 days in May when the temperature climbs above 20 degrees Centigrade count as a summer?
- If bungs to New Labour of £500,000, £100,000 and £27,500 produce a peerage, a knighthood and a CBE respectively, what could one expect in return for £2,000,000?
[a peerage and an unpaid job as a government minister? Or something really spectactular when your realize that the bloke who got the Millennium Dome bunged just £100,000! - ed.]
- How come it's so cold as we go from February to March, 2001? Whatever happened to Global Warming and all the dire warnings that we're not going to be able to recognize the British climate in the 21st Century?
According to the climatologists, we're still technically in a mini-Ice Age. And if the Earth warms up, that's just the planet going through a normal colder/hotter cycle. So where does so-called global warming fit into all this? And aren't the inhabitants of a planet supposed to adapt to its whims, not the other way round?
We didn't get weather like this
under the Tories!
- What have you got to do to get yourself noticed these days? Say snowmen are sexist? Tell the army to turn down the volume of its shouted orders and brass bands? Tell the army it needs more wheelchair soldiers and women on the battlefield? Has our society been dumbed down so much that people have been reduced to such pathetic means for getting their name into the papers?
[well, apparently, yes - ed.]
- Why don't George 'Dubya' Bush and Al Gore just pack up and go home? Isn't it obvious that no one wants either of them? Don't Dump Bill. Let him have another term. You know it makes sense!
- Is there anyone around who doesn't believe that the Great Dome Diamond Heist Fiasco wasn't a publicity stunt dreamed up by M. Gerbil?
- How do these Earth Watch characters expect us to take them seriously when they predict an asteroid impact on the Earth in 2030 one day then calmly announce that the sums were wrong a few days later? Or do they just do it for the notoriety?
- If the Government says don't panic-buy petrol and the People drain the pumps dry, who's to blame? The People for being selfish? Or the People for not trusting a shifty bunch of politicians?
- If the Autumn 2000 floods are as severe as those of 1947, and if they're also due to global warming, how come there were severe floods in 1947 before global warming was invented? Or are that nice Mr. Blair and his crew just using global warming as an excuse for putting taxes up, giving our money to their cronies and the usual suspects, and achieving nothing of any benefit to the taxpayer, as usual? And has anyone calculated the environmental benefits of having no vehicles cluttering up the flooded roads and no diesel trains running on the railways?
- How long will it take this guy to walk every line in the rail network, one side at a time, and shouldn't he have some help?
- When are they going to tell us who it was who slobbered on Mr. Milosevich?
- In mathematics, a negative multiplied by a negative gives a positive; so if a politician lies about telling a lie, does that make everything okay again?
- September, 2000 - Has anyone calculated the environmental benefits of the reduced number of vehicles on the roads during the fuel blockade? Or is the government too embarrassed by it all to let the Department of Guesswork loose on that particular task?
- Is it really possible for playing the National Lottery to be fun? You pay your pound, you get your ticket, you don't win. How can there be any element of fun in that? Or are the people who talk about making the Lottery fun really talking about fun for the characters making money out of it and playing Lord or Lady Bountiful?
- In terms of degree of embarrassment, how many times can a 16-year-old boy get falling-down drunk and arrested before he's even with parents who've just presented him with a new baby brother?
- What exactly has K. Livingstone done in the two months since he was elected mayor of London? Or is it a good thing that he hasn't done any meddling on the grounds that meddling politicians only make things worse?
- If T. Blair and his cronies won the last general election by being Not Tories, have they spotted the obvious route to winning the next one? Have they noticed that changing just two unimportant letters of their party's name transforms them from New Labour into Not Labour and distances them from the sleaze, cronyism and corruption of the present government?
- Odds against winning the National Lottery - 14,000,000 to 1; odds against being struck by lightning and killed in the UK in one year - 5,600,000:1; odds against the Earth being hit during a human lifetime by a devastating asteroid which causes a nuclear winter - 20,000 to 1; odds against being injured in a theme park - 590,000,000 to 1; odds against being injured on the way to a theme park - 2,950 to 1! Is all this a joke by the Almighty? Or just proof that he's really, really got it in for us?
- If London already has a Lord Mayor, what the hell does it need K. Livingstone for?
- "What's the collective noun for Jaguars?" Martin Brundle asked when he saw that team's cars together on the track during qualifying for the F1 Brazilian Grand Prix [Sat.25.03.2000]. Martin, as any true British person knows, the collective noun for two Jags is a Prescott.
- Why don't F. Dobson and K. Livingstone have a WWF-style Hell In A Cell battle to decide who should be Labour's mayoral candidate?
- 2001 was still the first year of the 21st Century in 1968, when Arthur C. Clarke's Space Odyssey was published. When did 2000 get promoted and which jabroni made the decision?
- Of which continents is the Word Wrestling Federation Intercontinental Champion the champion? And has any European other than the British Bulldog ever held their European Championship belt?
- Does anyone outside London really care if the city gets a mayor? Or anyone inside London, for that matter?