Tony B. Liar has admitted that he has not washed his own clothes since 1997. Another brilliant reason to give him a wide berth. In fact, the idle scumbag hasn't lifted a finger in any of his many properties since he became entitled in 1997.
Paedophiles now have to be called 'minor-attracted persons' to let them escape the stigma of their appellation. Or there will be trubble.
Pisant gesture by petty minds
Q: What do you get if you find out you've been paying child maintenance for 14 years for a girl who isn't your daughter?
The government is plotting to dump the blame for the exclusion of WahWey from developing Britain's 5G phone network on the House of Frauds, which is expected to reject enabling legislation on the grounds that all Chinese companies are obliged to spy for their government and have no option about this.
Failing to remove hate speech by Those People is costing auntisocial meeja publishers zillions of advertising dollars. Hate against white people seems to be particularly prevalent.
Fully clothed self-interest
Ten million infections (not deaths) in a world population of 7,000 million humans is fairly trivial on a planetary scale.
Too much bloody grovelling, you luvvies
“Rugby fans don't need to be educated about slavery. They should just be allowed to go and watch a rugby match, and sing the anthem if they want to, without being cudgelled with someone else's problem.” M.T.
Quite a good not me, Gov is: "When there is hate in the world, there will be hate on FakeBuk."
The anti-police, anti-other people having money gang think setting up a guillotine in front of the home of the Amazon boss in Washington, D.C., is a good way of frightening the world into letting them take charge.
Looking too much like China's president-for-life is a criminal offence, as an opera singer discovered when his auntiesocial meeja account was blockaded because he was "violating the leader's looks".
The Cabinet Sec., M. Sedwill, is being damned with faint praise as he is ousted as an obstructive waxwork in the coming civil service purge of people with a brain the size of a planet but no talent for doing things and/or a talent for grabbing more jobs than they can handle. Especially out of favour are the Sedwills with a track record for gloating about their own record of Bremoaner vindictiveness.
Sir Kreepy is finding himself in the confusing position of moaning at the government for not reopening schools whilst backing the teaching unions, which want their members to stay on paid holiday.
The Republicans in the US have settled on an all lives matter line and they're rejecting a focus on just black lives as the gang promoting it combines a ray-sist agenda with a wrecker-left agenda. Predictably, the focusists are throwing major wobblies.
Don’t mention the (possibility of) war
Plants, including trees, shrubs, fruit and vegetables, have been found to be hoovering microplastics out of the environment, so that's that problem solved.
J. Rees-Mogg, MP, has come up with a cunning ruse to preserve safe spacing in pubsserving beer in yards. Encouraging drinkers to swing them around a bit should complete the job.
The rail unions are up in arms over the government's refusal to rule that their members need not stray more than 2 metres from their homes whilst enjoying full pay & perks. They are now confecting a national strike in pursuit of this goal.
Lack of income from parking fines, bus lane invasion fees and other impositions on the motorist is driving a number of profligate local councils into bankruptcry. Cashinski Labour-run councils which awarded 50-60% rises in councillors' allowances are doing particularly badly.
Only Aussies could consider chess to be ray-sist because white always has the first move by custom and practice.
Officers of the Kent constabulary are in trouble for starting an Only Gipsy Lives Matter campaign using taxpayers' cash for their patronising virtue-flaggery.
Cambridge U. is in the dock on a hypocrisy charge for pretending that it defends the right of its academics to Xpress lawful opinions.
Being a white person who has not been a beneficiary of white privilege is not a criminal offence on the Isle of Man.
BLAME UK? With no capitalism, who's going to be able to afford to go to a football match or watch one on TV?
The boss of the Marston pub chain reckons the way to get the nation boozing again is to cut the pub VAT rate to 5% and make wearing masks voluntary so a pub doesn't look like a clinic. Same with leaving details of who the customers are.
Mhega whinge by Mhegan? Not bloody bothered.
Walking on a beach in bare feet is not a good idea, given the amount of broken glass left behind by last week's heat-wave invaders. 500,000 invaders = 33 tons of litter.
The teenage Chancellor has decided that people have plenty of cash and they need to know that VAT won't be reduced anytime soon so they'd better just bite the bullet and get on with spending it.
The Church of England is to abolish all works of art in its collection that feature J.H. Christ because he is depicted as too male and white to comply with current diversity standards. Quite a big bonfire is Xpected.
Definitions for TodayDMV: Dozey Moronic Vegetables
Maths teachers are struggling to introduce diverse racial identities into their lessons. Calculus is proving to be a particularly difficult area.
For example . . .
The areas of Leicester where the Chinese plague is multiplying are stocked with people who don't speak English and don't observe safe spacing. Unfortunately, their ethnicity prevents anyone in authority from mentioning this.
"Are you really pleased to see me, or has the Chinese plague put blood clots in your todger and given you a severe case of priapism?" This piece of research published in France gives us a bit of a change from the old 'gun in your pocket' routine.
BLAME badges are being ditched right, left and centre once luvvies find out that what the blamists are really about is abolishing capitalism, which means that luvviedom will also be history.
Cambridge U. seems to have appointed a Professor of Hate Studies. How very diverse of it!
A million bucks to listen to a woke whinge from Prince Hairy? Sounds like a really wonderful deal.
Mammon Massacres Meddlers
Reinventing the traffic jam
Anyone visiting an outdoor drinkery on Super Saturday will have to contend with gale force winds and 2" of rain whilst consuming a drinkwhich will start off as booze and end up 100% rainwater!
The etiquette Xperts of Debrette's are heading for trubble with some of their locko advice. F'rinstance, a party host telling a guest, "I wish I could give you a hug" is liable to be blasted to bitz by a wave of indignation from a militant personist.
China is planning to restore order in Hong Kong by waging a campaign of suppression against the dissidents and forcing them to emigrate to the UK or anywhere else which will provide them with a passport.
“Why should we believe that heather burnt off Lancashire's moors by wildfires started by locko loonies with portable BBQs will never return, as some Xperts are claiming? How do they think the heather got there in the first place if not by natural transportation? And there were never any fires on the moors due to natural causes in the past? Come on!” P.J.
Another sloping playing field
All fat people must stay in locko until they shed their excess weight, which makes them particularly vulnerable to the Chinese plague. This is likely to be the next diktat from the nation's health nanny.
Today's Matters Most is a man's right to claim he's a woman 'coz men's rights trump all others all the time.
Those People are trying to ban the term Old Master even though the people it is applied to are generally old, masters and men. It's that last category which really bugs the hell out of their tiny minds.
Q: What sort of a pisant chess player could be 'offended' by their opponent making a wildly eccentric opening move to spice things up a bit?
The Putinocracy is learning @ last. A 78% rigged vote in favour of making him president for life achieves Xactly the same result as a 101% rigged vote.
Police cordons have been established along English borders to prevent infiltration from locked down Wales and Scotland over the Super Weekend.
Q: How do you know that letting the head civil service mandarin, who has grabbed more jobs than he can handle, take a walk is a good idea?
Maybe 0.5 of a cheer
Q: Did MI5 plot to assassinate the uncrowned Edward VIII or is it just a story stitched together out of a few disconnected facts to plug a book?
Logic vs Data
All mouth and trousers
Labour leader Sir Kreepy Steamer is trying to blag himself a free flu jab when this year's potion becomes available. Nothing like thinking of No. 1.
The BBC considers it a hanging offence to refer to Scotland's wee First Meenister as Wee Burney because freedom of expression does not apply to the Beeb as it has become an alien concept to the waxworks in charge.
Q: How much difference is there, CoCO19 transmission-wise, between a train full of maskless commuters and a suburban rave party?
The Mercedes Formula One team has gone ray-sist by painting the formerly Silver Arrows black.
Attention everyone with cash to spenddo it now 'coz President Boris is dropping hints about tax rises to pay for his build, build, build agenda.
President Boris has revealed that he will not be bullied into kneeling down for the BLAME mob. Good for him.
“Coppers in Devon & Cornwall sitting outside pubs, timing people to make sure they don't spend more than 2 hours inside thanks to the whim of their Chief constable, who will have the pants sued off him if his gang try to arrest anyone for doing something that's not against the law? You couldn't make it up.” R.L.
“Condiments of the season dished up in eateries in individual disposable packs complete with a disposable scalpel to hack them open?” G.W.
North Korea boss Kim J-u has been forced out of hiding again by a Japanese rumour that he has croaked. Or maybe it was one of the lookalikes.
G. Maxwell is being threatened with imprisonment in the same New York gaol where the formerly rich J. Epstein was done in as a means of making her realize that saying what the prosecutors want to hear is a brilliant idea.
Man (and woman) management
If the prime minister's dad wants to ignore his son's advice not to travel unless it's essential, that's his business and nowt to do with President Boris.
Vandals have attacked the iconic Little Mermaid statue in Copenhagen, leaving the police at a loss over which bunch of self-righteous looneys has taken the hump at it.
By choosing a faceless bureaucrat as his new prime minister, Pres. MacRon of France has effectively done a Putin and claimed the job for himself, the Xperts reckon.
If you want to get sworn at, be a mask-wearing foreigner anywhere in Sweden.
The Chinese have invented a new type of swine flua strain of the virus which caused a pandemic in 2009. They reckon it has the potential to be able to infect humans. Ta, for that.
“How limp a virtue flag is a parody of da Vinci's Last Supper featuring a version of J.H. Christ with a heavy suntan?” M.B.
British service personnel have been ordered to keep off their knees and stay out of commie-flavoured politics.
Oh, dear! The BLAME Bunch are in trouble for sliding into anti-Semitism, which seems to be the natural direction of all entitled lefty loonies.
Customers Beware: The police are really keen to fine and arrest as many people as they can for locko-laxo violations.
The ineffective quango Public Health England is to be loaded with all the failures associated with the Chinese plague and abolished at the end of the year.
Sky is trying to put the slavery brand on the expression 'nitty gritty', which is a rather knotty grotty move.
Putting him in the firing line
Europe's worst drivers are the French and Greeks (rudest), Swedes (drive too fast and too close to another car), the Dutch (persistent undertakers) and the Spanish (loud and horn-tooty). And Danes (no consideration for anyone but themselves).
It gets worse
Speciality of the Day: fricken chicassee
Miserable Git of the Month? Has to be Liberal figurehead Edstone Davey for trying to sleaze the blesséd Deliverer of Brexit N. Farage.
One consequence of closing public toilets is a liberal sprinkling of human raw sewage among the tons of litter left by the mobs of trippers.
There used to be an F1 driver who became known as Andrea de Crasheris. He must have opened a driving school and sent his customers to complete in this year's Austrian GP.
The National Trust for Scotland is getting no change out of Wee Burney's minions. The Culture Sec. there reckons propping the NTS up during lockdown is not at all 'tenable'.
The Warmists are promising spells of 40 deg.C. during the British summer @ the end of the century, when just about everyone around now will be conveniently dead and no one will remember this rhubarb.
This year's GCSEs in French, German & Spanish will be worthless pieces of paper as the customers will not have to take an oral exam and demonstrate that they can speak the language.
China has decided not to get too deeply into confrontation with the Indians over the Himalayan valley which China is trying to annex. They're obviously not too sure how mad they can get the Indian government without tripping them over the edge into pushing the nuclear button.
An Xpert his putting his money on the Chinese plague having been lurking around various parts of the world for YEARS before it exploded in Wuhan.
Spanish people have the hump about being cleared off beaches to make way for cash-bearing British holidaymakers.
Sir Kreepy is going to take training in how to have an unconscious bias to rachelism? Is that what he said? It will certainly put him in good odour with the Corbynsteiners.
The inevitable backlash starts in Californiaa BLAME mural paid for out of the public purse was splattered with black paint within hours of its completion.
Nine of Diamonds Situation
Q: How many people behaving responsibly does it take to create an irresponsible mob?
Bubonic plague, the killer of the Middle Ages, has resurfaced in Inner Mongolia.
Q: Is £500 MILLION enough to bail out local councils?
Q: Does going to a pub on public transport constitute a 'necessary' journey?
Q: What's an easy way to make yourself highly unpopular?
“Maybe now would be a good time for Louie Samilton to make the move to Ferrari. It won't make him any less popular.” J.H.
60% of Scots would like their First Meenister to throw a wobbly, make a pointless jaunt to Newcastle just to prove she can, and then have to spend 2 weeks in quarantine when she flounces back across the border.
Formula One won't be putting a carpet on the grid before the next race to help kneelers keep their knees clean. And that's likely to put a stop to this poisonous gesture.
Telling gambling addicts to do it responsibly. That's going to work.
The BBC is in trouble over the explosion of anti-white racialism in podcasts committed by its employees, who seem to be trying to make it the new norm.
Q: What's a good name for a drug dealer who does 100 mph chases with the police through residential areas?
Morons is as morons do
Commuters are being encouraged not to use deodorants and not to wash to force everyone using public transport to wear a mask as a matter of self-preservation.
Want to be in a heatwave? Head for Siberia, which is enjoying [? Ed.] temperatures some 10 deg.C above average including a spike of 38 deg.C.
Q: What's a good way to find out what running for your life feels like?
Bought too many face masks and you'd like to get rid of some of them? Export them to Germany, where keeping them compulsory for going to shops is still the agenda.
If you prefer illegal parties to night clubs, Spain is the place for you!
Up yours, planetary stet devretners!
They should call it the virus propagation rate for the Chinese plague and use the Greek letter Π to represent it. We'd love to hear the Westmonster waxworks talking about pi-rates.
What's the daftest locko-laxo rule? Insisting that churches have disposable hymn sheets even though singing is banned to avoid spreading the Chinese plague.
“If ex-princess Mhegan made a billion quid out of her wedding to Prince Hairy, why does she expect others to pay for her bodyguards?” C.L.
President Trump opens trade talks with the sabre-rattling Chinese leader,
The president of Brazil, like a lot of his subjects, has the Chinese plague. But he reckons he's feeling fine. He obviously has a rather wimpier strain of the plague rather than the one that felled President Boris. President Bolsonaro puts his okayness down to following President Trump's advice and taking hydroxychloroquine.
Q: What has upset the nation's whinge junkies the most so far this month?
Excessively precious estate agents are no longer able to talk about a master bedroom as the BLAME bunch have hung a slavery tag on it. Which makes them easier to avoid.
Q: How many Saudis does it take to murder one dissenter?
Welcome to Cowboy Country. Again.
A couple of places which have cashed in on the Harley Porter franchise are biting the hand of their beneficiary, the author? Scumbags is as scumbags do when they wave their virtue flags.
Q: Is it possible for his former associate, the notorious conman P. Foster, to put anything in his memoirs to damage former prime monster Tony B. Liar?
If the key to reaching old age is trusting others, as some Xperts reckon, it's a wonder so many people last past their 30s without becoming suicide bombers with an uncrushable sense of resentment.
MPs don't have to leave details of who they are and where they live when they go boozing @ the taxpayer's expense in House of Commons bars. One law for us . . .
“Maybe we can swap Hong Kong's enterprising dissenters for the same number of British malcontents who want to live in a communist paradise. Purely in the interests of keeping both populations stable.” A.L.M.
If it has been a bit wet out, its the same old same old. We're getting a month's rain in a couple of days. Again.
Prince Hairy would like the British Commonwealth of Nations to apologize to all of its victims? Shouldn't take that long if there are none.
No noise cricket
It seems to be beyond the abilities of the cricket authorities to produce virus-free spit-substitute to let bowlers who know how to make a ball swing in the air do their thing. Shame.
The latest bid for the origin of CoCO19 is a Chinese mine full of bat-droppings in Yunnan province back in 2012.
A crap rapper [tautology, Ed.] is planning to make a mockery of this year's race to the White House if all the Democraps can put up against President Trump is some ancient looney left guy. He is planning to run for America's top job on a reality TV-style ticket, according to reports. Move over the Monster Raving Looney Party!
Q: Why are Leicester's sweatshops free from harassment by 'elf 'n' narzi inspectors, the police and the minimum wage mob?
Stay put and just do it?
The Shock of the Day @ the first Austrian Grand Prix was definitely seeing a McLaren driver on the podium after their long string of car design disasters.
Q: Is driving while black in the sort of car favoured by drug dealers a criminal offence?
Q: Is a court competent to decide who is the more monstrous, filmist J. Depp or his discarded wife?
Never mind taking a knee, lets get on with giving a knee and aiming somewhere that will do most good
“Something you might not realize is that the knee people kneel on when doing the black power salute has a different significance, left or right. Using the correct knee makes the difference between being called slightly or totally ray-sist.” T.N.
The wheels of justice certainly grind slow in Texas, where it took 27 years to line up an 18-year-old for execution for killing a man of 82 to steal his truck. Plus a further 5-month delay due to the Chinese plague.
Q: Does it make sense to mine in the north-east of England, the coal required for turning iron into steel here in Britain instead of importing coal from abroad?
The teenage Chancellor confidently Xpects Britain's debt mountain to be brought under control by the end of the century. Barring further bumps in the road. He is just the bloke to take the difficult decisions needed.
The government has blown £10 BILLION on a track 'n' trace system that doesn't work and £15 BILLION on overpriced Personal Protection Equipment. No wonder the National Debt is heading north of £3 TRILLION.
Just because the bosses of the UK branch of WahWey won't comment on China's new repressive security law in Hong Kong because they know what's good for them, that's being taken as proof that the company is under the thumb of the Chinese government. How outrageous!
When it comes to foreign tourists, only visitors from the United States and China are more hated than the British in Europe, especially in France, Germany, Italy and Spain. Which probably explains why the exchange rate between the pound and the euro is such a rip-off.
The latest explanation for why it has been so easy to award Britain the highest death rate from the Chinese plague is that we got off lightly during the last two winter flu seasons.
The NHS needs a good kicking after its period of adoration, the Xperts reckon, otherwise the people who perpetrated the 3 lengthy periods of scandal exposed by the Daily Mail will just get away with it and go on to damage more lives.
O.J. Corbynstein is preparing to sue the teenage Chancellor of the Exchequer for stealing his Magic Money Forest.
No more circusesthat's the future. They are being driven into Xtinction by the Chinese plague.
White employees of the City of Seattle are being forced to take unwhiteness training to convince them that being white is a truly dreadful condition, for which they should apologize every day of their life.
And here in the UK . . .
The people selling face masks @ inflated prices are lobbying for them to be made compulsory for trips to shops here.
Q: How do you get away with stealing £700,000 from your employer?
The BBC is seeking original ways to be ray-sist and bigoted about white people. All suggestions on a PC to the DG.
Not an easy ‘that’ to get out of
“Is the firm Radio Rental still going or has this piece of rhyming slang faded into obscurity?” B.B. [Yup. Ed.]
The Chinese plague is turning British teenagers into a generation of idle, druggie criminals with a rent-a-mob mentality. Foot-dragging by the teaching unions can only make things worse.
The Xperts have got it wrong over working out who has had the Chinese plague, the Xperts reckon. They should be looking for T-cells rather than antibodies.
Cancelling the Cancel Cult? Feels like a great masthead slogan for next month's BFN.
President Boris refusing to kneel for the BLAME Bunch has the approval of two-thirds of Brits, who object to people being bullied into making join-in gestures.
We’re still getting crap like this:
From: Campus de Alfenas <"\"\""@unifal-mg.edu.br> Reply-To: email@example.com Subject: Covid-19 Support Group Date: 11/07/2020 17:30 Attention. This is to inform you that exceptional COVID-19 Social Relief distress grant of 1,500,000.00EURO have been awarded to you by World Health Organization. You are therefore advised to send the following information to the W.H.O Trust Fund to process your claim [firstname.lastname@example.org] Full Name: Country: Gender: Contact Address: Mobile Number: Occupation: Marital Status: Age: Country of Residence: send the following information to the W.H.O Trust Fund to process your claim [email@example.com ] COVID-19 is real, Please follow W.H.O instruction and all Government and Health Authority Advise. Together we can assist the World to fight this pandemic and make the world safer for us all. Covid-19 Support Group World Health Organization. firstname.lastname@example.org --- This email has been checked for viruses by Avast antivirus software. https://www.avast.com/antivirus
“Boris's dad has really upset the self-righteous community. He doesn't have a public sector job they can demand he resign from. Rotten or what!” Occasional Bling
Anti-obesity campaigners don't know whether to clap the government for President Boris' plan to ban junk food deals or boo Chancellor Rikishi Snack's "go out and binge on cut-price meals" campaign.
The civil service is frantically [tactically? Ed.] trying to sleaze President Boris' man D. Cummings ahead of the hard rain, which is about to fall on the slackers and waste-of-spacers.
The police tactic for preventing illegal raves seems to be harassing the DJs who organize them in the hope of putting them off.
We appear to have a choice between 1. letting the Chinese government and its gangs of useful idiots spy on us and plunder all our commercial and technical secrets, and 2. a trade war.
Q: What do you get if you book a seaside holiday in parts of Europe, e.g. Croatia and Spain?
S n e e e e e e z e !
Q: If you set up a FakeBuk webcam in a nest box for owls, what do you get?
“Care homes were bribed to take in customers from hospitals? If they were charging customers a grand a week, they were doing a pretty good job of taking in the customers already.” G.K.
Q: How do you beat U. Bolt's world record for sprinting 200 metres?
Britain's wildlife faces Xtinction due to litter louts & fly-tippers. Birds & beasties will keep on scoffing trashand croaking when it clogs them up insideuntil there are none left.
Things keep blowing up in Iran. Factories have gone up in smoke with attendant power cuts, a health centre in Tehran exploded. A set of gas tanks went up near a military complex and warehouses under construction near a nuclear site have been flattened.
The British government has decided to be included out of the EbloodyU's vaccine scheme for the Chinese plague. It has been confirmed that Britain would be expected to fund the programme but be at the back of the queue when the vaccine is handed out as a non-member.
Q: If you're related to someone well-known, such as the president of a country as big as the United States, what do you do?
“A good way to nark Those People would be to organize a dwarf-hurling event and launch it under the banner of A Game of Throwns.” Thal Shi’ur
Just 12% of Brits want life to return to normal when the Chinese plague emergency is over. The rest would rather stay at home, out of the rat race and away from external family and not terribly brilliant friends.
Leicester's sweatshops are allowed to get away with it because the police are afraid of being called ray-sist if they do anything about them. Same story as for the kiddie-fiddlers of Indian sub-continent origin.
Prince Hairy is finding L.A. as disconnecting as wife Mhegan found England. Maybe the solution for them is to split the difference and live 3,000 miles away from each place; in New York.
Locko is having a severely degenerative effect on the human brain if some self-appointed Xpert can claim that there's a scientifically approved method of tying shoelaces.
Xperts in Chile are trying to prove that the mysterious Planet Nine, which was declared to be Pluto, is actually a grapefruit-size black hole. Good luck with confirming that, guys!
Hollywood's film industry is now officially a haven of reverse ray-sism and a toxic environment for anyone who is white, middle-aged and any good at anything.
If you have to be wearing a face mask to go into a shop to buy something, how do you get in to the shop to buy a mask in the first place?
Who cares who, or what, gets hurt if the pictures are great?
Mr. Internet will tell you that wearing a face mask deprives the brain of oxygen and causes brain damage. Taking what you read on Mr. Internet seriously can have the same damaging effect.
Ecowars loom . . .
If you have more money than sense, you can blow 500 quid on an artificial intelligence toothbrush. No guarantee is offered that it will brush any intelligence into the purchaser.
Take a ride on a Japanese rollercoaster and you will have to follow a 'no screaming' rule to avoid spreading the Chinese plague.
Xperts are now telling us that working in an office is a Good Thing because desk jobs keep people mentally alert but manual workers end up with memory problems. Anyone calculated how many Xperts have a manual job?
Stand by for Scotwars north of the border as rejected SNP leader A. Salmonella comes roaring back to sink Wee Burney and trample all over her dream of becoming the first queen of an independent Scotland because the nasty wee besom didn't have his back 100% while he was being hauled through the court system on sex-pest charges.
In Switzerland, the Xperts reckon that office workers returning from working at home should wear a mask if they sit in an open-plan space with air conditioning. Why? Because the aircon is an Xtremely efficient system for transporting clouds of virus-laden particles everywhere to ensure that everyone gets some.
Heads or Tails, you lose
China's useful idiots abroad are predicting regular pocketphone blackouts lasting as much as a couple of days here if WahWey is Xcluded from 5GUK. 4GUK will also vanish, probably for even longer breaks. And even the inferior, lesser Gs will croak in sympathy.
Q: If people have to declare their fave pronouns in an email signature, as @ the BBC, can they nominate them for other people?
Current Labour leader Sir Kreepy Steamer is all in favour of other people picking up litter on his behalf.
China is starting trade wars with Canada and Australia after they suspended their extradition treaties with Hong Kong and offered a welcome to businesses which wish to relocate and get the hell out of the new, dynamic, thrusting, oppressive China.
Brexit is on course to create abundant jobs among the smuggling community. The onus is now on the waxworks of HMRC to come up with ways to tax the buggers.
Reptile dysfunction? No hiss in the snake? Doso Me Thing.
We're being told that we're going into the biggest recession for 300 years. What happened back then? Scotland went bust trying to set up a colony in Central America and had to be bailed out by the English, hence the United Kingdom.
Some over-zealous museum staff are having to be forcibly restrained when they insist that all of the exhibits must be spaced 2 metres apart as well as the customers "just to be on the safe side".
This month's Maritime Mystery: How did 57 Argentine fishermen manage to test positive for the Chinese plague after 35 days at sea even though they all tested negative before their trawler set sail?
The Xperts have done their measurements and their sumsand concluded that people who refuse to wear masks and/or observe safe spacing really are somewhat clottish compared to the rest of us.
Actors will be allowed to resume doing the industry standard humpy-pumpy sex scenes required in TV dramas now that broadcasters have created a testing regime for the Chinese plague.
Think of a number and then bluff
Q: What is actually wrong (in real-world terms) with an actress doing some acting to play the part of a bloke who has decided he's a woman?
Typical bloody waxworkismbarbers can trim a bloke's beard and/or moustache but salonistas are banned from sculpting a lady's eyebrows. Sense, but not as we know it, Jim.
What will the future brings for Mr. Snack? His Magic Money Tree dropping dead of exhaustion and he finding himself impaled on the Cactus of Tax Rises?
The world is awash with dosh if rejected PM TheRazor May has been bunged a million quid over the last year for doing naff after-dinner speeches. Maybe Mr. Snack can award her a special tax rate of 150% for pointless earnings.
Weird does not command respect as of right
Q: What's a good way to nark a celebrity chef?
“If any further proof were needed, China's threats of retaliation over exclusion of WahWey from 5GUK has to be the clincher. WahWey is controlled by the Chinese government. No doubt.” Chung P'chung
Xperts in Denmark can now vaccinate mice against the Chinese plague. Which means that it won't wipe out all life on The Planet.
The American Crunch team based in Washington D.C., formerly the Redskins, will be rebadged as the Washington Ray-Sists for the coming NFL season. Next stop, the Kansas City Chiefs? And will there be Edmonton Eskimos if the CFL ever restarts?
The Chinese plague is killing lots of people everywhere. But not in Norway, apparently. The funeral industry there has run out of customers and is having to seek a bail-out from the state to keep afloat.
The Chinese plague vs the Laws of the Universe
Benefactor for Xhibitionist
Q: What do you get if you steal £200,000 from the school that employs you?
National treasure seeks salvation
Q: What happens if you're chucked off a House of Lords committee for being a groper?
New Norms for the Plague Year No. 38:
The Xperts reckon that the differences between Lancashire and Yorkshire accents are disappearing and the population Up North is developing a new panregional accent, which is educated and urbane as well as northern.
Next month, Comrades, you will have the perfect Xcuse for not paying any Council Tax. Claim that wearing a mask distresses you and they wouldn't let you in to the Post Office to make the payment without a mask. No one can argue with that.
Official: speed cameras are placed in good hunting grounds for fines by the police, HM Inspectorate of them has concluded.
When it comes to accounting the achievements of the Chinese Plague, right at the top has to be Xposing the degree of anti-white racialism sloshing about in the BLAME community and luvviedom. Nasty bastards is as nasty bastards does.
The Health Sec., Hancock's Half Hour, has said that face coverings won't be made compulsory in offices.
What do Xperts kno anyway?
The manufacturers of Red Bull are being twitted by Those People for failing to shift the company's emphasis from the brand of pop that it makes to the BLAME cause.
President Boris wants to distribute Parliament to the regions. The Midlands will get the House of Lords. Which means that they will have to watch the next Queen's ceremonial Opening of Parliament on telly.
Believe it or what
Some spoilsport surgeon has measured blood oxygen levels with and without a face mask and proved that wearing a mask does not cause deoxygenation. But no doubt the complainers will soon find something else to moan about.
The BBC admits knowing that its bods make a mockery of impartiality on toxic auntie-social meeja, but has no plans to do anything about it.
Q: What do you get if you're a non-white footballer whose number plate has been cloned by a criminal?
Exploding stars are getting the blame for global warming as they shed humungous amounts of carbon when they Xplode off their outer layers and evolve into a white dwarf. This carbon then travels to planets like Earth and Venus (an extreme case), and gobbles up oxygen from the atmosphere to form carbon dioxide.
ATTENTION ALL READERS:
“Praising God for killing 219 people in Manchester with the Chinese plague at a service in the cathedral? What a weird concept.” Slam Muttermug
WFH? What F’Hook? No, Work From Home.
Just to be cleara cloth face mask is primarily intended to try to stop someone with the Chinese plague from spreading it to people in their vicinity.
In an attempt to attack consumer wealth, the confectionary giant Cadbury is to reduce the size of its chocolate bars but keep the price the same.
Oh, wonderful! Our judiciary has decided to re-import the Bride of Daesh S. Begum as part of its strategy for making Britain a safe haven for terrorists and their supporters.
The Swiss military is being showered by derision after joining in a Bastille Day parade in Paris and demonstrating a complete inability to march in step.
The Warmists' war on carbon, the Xperts reckon, is destroying the fertility of soil in England and Wales, which has been degraded to the point of containing too much clay and not enough carbon.
More of the same
Q: How do you stop customers from congregating @ the bar in a pub?
There is no danger that H2S will be delivered on time or anywhere near the current budget, the Xperts reckon. But President Boris is determined to crash on with it. Doshan bleeda.
Some Xperts, the cheerful sods, are placing bets on 120,000 deaths in hospitals over the winter if the Chinese plague resurges. People not having a flu jab won't help.
Q: What does it have to do with a deceased war hero if his modern major-general of a son breaks locko rules?
The Chinese have invaded the Galapagos islands to hoover up all sea life there with their factory ships 'because they can'.
Q: What is a good way to get away with it?
The charge list against Epstein substitute target G. Maxwell includes the rather dubious one of having a secret husband!
The French police are investigating rumours of a sinister plot to fire-bomb all of the major cathedrals in the country. First, Notre Dame, Nantes this week, where next?
The waxworks in charge of the Royal Navy reckon that using terms like 'man overboard' turn off potential female recruits. Sounds like it deflects the right sort of snoflake.
“President Boris wants it to be all over by Xmas. Xpert medic Prof. C. Whitty wants it to keep going for a long period of time. No doubt it will be all over by the time the prime monster of the day celebrates the arrival of the 22nd century a year early.” Berf Bergladom
Just 7% of crimes committed in England and Wales resulted in a charge or summons in the year to March 2020.
Q: What do you get if you write a book about Sweden's collaboration with the Narzis during World War II?
A rachel awareness course celebrating Scotland's part in the slave trade of the third quarter of the 20th century is to be made a requirement tacked on to all education degrees obtained north of the border, sez the Ed. Sec. there.
“The expression 'reverse discrimination' is offensive only to Those People who feel embarrassed when they are outed for doing it.” Fohr Hom
A senior curator of the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art has been cancelled for refusing to stop collecting work by white, male artists. How very woke!
A good way to upset looney lefties and BLAME Bunch civil servants is to make them go into the Winston Churchill room at the Treasury. To their credit, the politicians replied with a robust "Grow a set" to efforts to cancel the name.
The Wokists are using the methods of Chairman Mao's Red Guards as a blueprint for their cancellation operations against anyone who arouses their displeasure. Coming up with something new, exciting and original was clearly too much to Xpect.
Are face masks as brilliant as they are touted to be? If the president of the discredited Royal Society sneers @ the concept of some rigorous scientific research into their actual effectiveness, you have to have a healthy helping of doubt.
Q: What do you get if cleaners scrub a piece of graffiti showing a rat using a face mask as a parachute off the interior of a Tube train carriage?
President Boris has ordered a 50-foot conference table for Cabinet meetings in a long gallery at the Foreign Office to allow safely spaced meetings for Cabinet members with civil servants also in attendance. Megaphones will be available to those who need to speak up due to their degree of remoteness.
China's biggest complaint against the UK seems to be that we're being an ally of the United States. Trumpophobic, or what!
Q: Does spending £180 on a battery powered coffee storage pot make you a mug?
Does this document prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that O.J. Corbynstein always has been, and always will be, in the pocket of the Putinocracy? >
The Xperts are offering the prospect of a range of mixed infections over the wintercovidcolds and fluvid, to name just two.
Q: What happens when you plant a plastic patrolman on the A85 @ St. Fillans in Perthshire to try to frighten motorists into observing speed limits?
It’s all about the money, really
The Xperts are placing their bets on what constitutes herd immunity. Anything between 20% and 70+% of the population having been exposed to the Chinese plague is on offer.
The idiots running the Welsh government are claiming that reading a newspaper on a train or a bus spreads the Chinese plague. Taxi operators are still waiting for a ruling on their case.
The nation needs to be told
The Chinese government is doing itself no favours by branding our suspension of the extradition treaty for Hong Kong as 'brutal'. The Chinese are just exposing themselves to ridicule for Xcessive confected diplomatic outrage.
No sherbet, Shirley
The nation's police farces are going to have to stop referring to jihadi terrorists as terrorists because it is upsetting the terrorist community, which plays a vital part in Britain's prosperity and cultural life?
The mayor of Bristol is complaining that he can't win, having been chewed out over the Colston statue & replacement farce by both the BLAME Bunch and their opponents.
Q: How do you get the locals on your side when you want to buy Newcastle United football club?
30% of office staff want to continue to work from home, which is bad news for the transport and catering staff who make a living out of them.
The Putinocracy has the hump big time after a report by the Commons Spyforce Committee on Russian attempts to meddle with British elections on all sorts of issues revealed that the government here thought them too trivial to bother about. Harsh questions are now being asked of the KGB about the value for money it achieved with the billions blown on trying to bribe useful idiots, members of the House of Lords, etc. Not to mention all the other shenannygoats and setting up the London markets as somewhere to launder money for putinocrats.
Q: How much is the opinion from a BBC luvvie on £190K worth if she tries to tell us that the licence fee, which pays her overblown salary, is 'worth it'?
Own worst enemies
The firm that makes Ribena has created a strain of blackcurrant adapted to warmer wintersadapting to a change of climate rather than whingeing and pretending to be able to manipulate the climate. More of that attitude is needed.
The artist who perpetrated the Colston repo job in Bristol has been outed as a blacksploiter and an exhibitionist oppressor by a discarded GF, who turned out to be a BLAME Buncher. Worse, he has been told he'll have to pay for the removal and storage of his outburst or he doesn't get his plastic repo statue back.
Aliens is as aliens does
“Out here in the real world, we have flim & flam. A claim that Princess Bea was married in secret is both with doses of flum, flom and flem tacked on. It's just sour grapes from the usual suspects coz they weren't invited to a very select, plague year gathering.” Dred McGram
The nation's police farces have announced that they will NOT take any notice of people going into shops not wearing a mask because they are too busy. Doing what?
Q: Can a 3 feet tall parcel left with a doormat parked on top of it be considered to be in a safe location?
Q: What do you get when a 2-day EbluddyU summit on CoCO19 bail-outs goes on for a third then a fourth day?
Q: Did the Queen have to commission a sword 2 yards long to award a knighthood to Captain-Colonel T. Moore for his charity mega-fundraising?
Well, that’s telling them
Q: What does a beauty queen have to do to be cancelled?
Q: What do you get @ a 'Viking re-enactment' rehearsal using real, sharp swords and unskilled actors?
Cowboys installing faulty cavity wall insulation have made 800,000 homes unsafe or uninhabitable due to damp and mould. Something to think about before applying for one of the Chancellor's 'home improvement' hand-outs in September.
Q: Just how many photos of it can there be in the papers before those same papers stop claiming that a royal wedding is a secret?
There is no cash shortage due to locko if 40% of people are drinking more to get themselves too blotto to notice the inconvenience.
Expected Skivers' Charter
President Boris is now convinced that the EbloodyU is not interested in striking a trade deal with the UK and it will be WTO terms of business from January 1st 2021 onward.
A Swedish Xpert has put his money on people who have had the Chinese plague being immune to it for 6 months whether or not antibodies can be detected in their body.
The government is being urged to let empty shops be converted into dwellings to prevent high streets from becoming derelict, deserted zones.
Branches of the Royal Bank of Scotland are to be rebranded as NatWest (formerly National Westminster) branches in an attempt to shed the toxic image created during the Fred the Shred era. This is not a problem as far as Romiley is concerned as both the NatWest and the RBS branches here were closed yonks ago.
Surprise! International Mask Day yesterday was a bit of a shambles. A grateful nation thanks all who contributed to the confusion.
The Swiss recipe for celebrating their National Day on August 1st is no large events and everything on a DIY basis. But with firework sales to individuals putting a smile on the retailers' faces, everything should go with a bang, as per usual.
London's cosmetic mayor is claiming that he had a career as a comedian. In his case, practice had deferably not made perfect.
Lack of visitors to the Tower of London is going to do to Her Majesty's Beefscoffers what the Chinese plague failed to dothin their ranks via redundancies.
Doctors are being told to advise their customers to get out into the countryside as an alternative to popping pills to ease pressures on the NHS drugs budget now that the country is officially broke.
Q: What's the difference between 200,000 extra deaths caused by the Chinese plague and 200,000 extra deaths caused by the locko manoeuvres to prevent deaths due to the Chinese plague?
The Warmists are hoping to kill off polar bears by the end of the century.
Lockdown has had a severe effect on vaccine development, the Xperts reckon. The dramatic fall in the number of people getting the Chinese plague has made it harder to tell if trial vaccines are preventing people from getting a dose of CoCO19.
Don't you just wish Dumper Amber could be neither seen nor Heard?
Q: What do you do if a delve into your family history shows you are a descendant of slave traders and slaves?
Gulp! Chancellor Snack is on the list of Tory ministers and members of the Spyforce Committee who are accused of taking Russian gold.
The Xperts reckon that refusing to wear a face mask, not following locko rules and hoarding boggo rollos is a sign that the culprit is psychopathic and/or narcissistic.
China got &71 MILLION in handouts from the British taxpayer in the last year. Sheer bloody craziness.
Touchscreens are now obsolete, thanks to the Chinese plague. Especially the ones provided to log in @ a doctor's surgery. Contact-free technology is the coming thing.
Any more for any more?
Care from cradle to grave redefined?
Now, they tell us
Q: Are the UAR and Chinese Mars missions, paid for by British taxpayers' money and launched this month, really in a race to the Red Planet?
Pay-outs of compensation to victims of industrial level anti-Semitism could drive the Labour party into bankruptcy. Some legacy for the supporters of O.J. Corbynstein to defend!
All for nothing?
Elimination by other means8 inmates on death row in San Quentin State Prison, California, have croaked of the Chinese plague.
Greenpeace is warning that plastic pollution from disposable face masks has become the greatest threat to the survival of The Planet imaginable. Or something like that.
No wonder they’re called global warming fraudsters
The latest alibi for not opening the £18 BILLION Crossrail link in London next summer is . . . the Chinese plague.
Fair play is demanded
Q: Woke or wonk? Which is correct?
The bloke who upset President Boris by blagging the chairmanship of the Commons SpyForce Committee had his first public outing this week. Unfortunately, he gave a display of bumptiousness and toobigforbootsism, thus dispersing his previously favourable image. Oh, well. Business as usual.
Q: What do you get if you block one side of the M60 in Greater Manchester to lark about a bit?
Definitely artificial rather than ficial
It seems that L. Hoyle, the Commons squeaker in replacement for Bollocks to Berko, is in the habit of riding around on trains with a parrot which keeps squawking "Lock the doors!" and causing mass chaos.
Politics warning [Ed.]
A professor @ Imperial College, London, has put his money on the Chinese plague being around for decades. Thanks for that.
President Boris is dropping hints that face masks will have to be worn in shops at least until next summer.
O.J. Corbynstein was spotted out on Face Mask Friday without one. No danger of him copping for a £100 fine, though.
“According to the Chinese government, having a solemn position, repeated representations and making economic progress entitles the waxworks to brainwash the Moslem population of Xingjiang in concentration camps. Logic, but not as we know it, Jim.” C.P.
The test of the Russian satellite-buster weapon a couple of weeks ago was not an orbital weapon test, sez the Putinocracy. There is no way that a satellite with a projectile-launching capability can be classed as a weapon under international law.
Q: What's the world's absolutely worst Xcuse for stabbing someone in the chest twice with a 10" saw-toothed knife and killing him during an official Knife Awareness Course?
“Gastric clamping is described as not being a silver bullet for the morbidly and persistently obese. Getting the Lone Ranger to plug the really enormous members of the eatist community would certainly be a hell of a lot cheaper.” A.C.
Cash is King
Nowt to brag about
Malicious slander? That's what the Chinese are saying about their spy centre in Houston being closed down by the US government. But is it possible to have any sort of slander other than malicious? It's not exactly something that can be benign.
Q: Why are enemy spies called actors?
Dog owners in South Korea are urging their government to place a ban on dogburgers, which are currently traditional summer fare in Korea.
“The civil service wonks who didn't want to work in the Churchill Room @ the Treasury should be given a choice between working in the Hitler Room permanently and being sacked on the spot.” J.G.
Public health hazard
Watching more than 2 hours of TV per day will kill you, claims a so-called Xpert. Only eating chocolate @ least once a week will keep you alive.
Q: If the Jews in Biblical times had slaves, as noted in The Bible, does that Xcuse anti-Semitism now?
If you're planning to buy something online, you might consider doing it before the fast-food Chancellor slaps an extra tax on the purchase to 'save our high streets'.
President Boris and his government are going to run a campaign against o'besity. Cue a succession of pictures of fat people's wobbly bits whilst the BBC newsreader does a voice-over. Does the nanny Bollocks Broadcasting Company really think we don't kno what o'besity is? Shee!
Fast bucks, slow ones, Burney’s Army wants them
If you want to avoid being spied on by a digital assistant tin can when you're trying to have a private conversation, adopt a Glaswegian accent. The cans can't cope with Weegies! Brummies also baffle the, and Scousers, but the people who take the baffling biscuit live in South Wales.
Q: What do you call a bloke who has spent 50 years trying to spot the Loch Ness Monster and has seen Nessie just the once; maybe, perhaps?
Ding! Ding! All change again!
In case you were wondering, Prince Hairy & Mhegan remain cancelled.
Also mentioned on page 7 of the VV . . .
Yesterday’s pathetic swindle attempt
An Xplanation of sorts
The Bollocks Broadcasting Company would have us believe that PM W. Churchill took time off from waging World War 2 to travel all the way to Bengal personally to strangle 3 million people. Yeah, right.
According to UK Finance, nine out of the ten bank branches still in operation stayed open during locko. The location of the single branch which felt the need to shut and barricade its doors remains a closely guarded secret.
If you want to annoy pigeons and magpies, a good way is to install lights in your garden and leave them switched on.
Despite gorbal warming, the air is full of complaints about the lack of a summer.
The civil service unions are promising major strikes if their members are ordered to stop skiving and get back to work. Ta, for that.
Clint Eastwood as Captain-Colonel Tom Moore, the mega-million NHS fund-raiser, in the movie? That should be good for a laugh.
Q: How do you know if the lady in charge of your local Post Office is dodgy?
Drone fliers and pilots of low-flying aircraft are going to have to keep their eyes open when phone companies are allowed to build 300-foot relay masts in the name of eliminating 'not-spots'.
Q: What do you get if John Elton mentions you in a book?
Good sense, but not as we know it, Jim
Today's World's Worst Excuse: The Russians are denying deploying weapons in spaceit's their actors wot dunnit. Those pesky Russkies are also accusing the Americans of deploying weapons in space even though they are not under threat there. Except from the dreaded Russian actors, of course. And the Chinese ones, of course.
A touch of frivolity does you no harm in today’s police
Q: What's the daftest 999 call the police have had this month?
Brain switched off . . .
Environmental cases are trying to ban plastic lawns because they reckon their owners don't wash them often enuff to satisfy the mental cases, or even at all.
It's official, Bollocks to Berko ain't getting a peerage because of his efforts to put an end to parliamentary democracy. Nonce Finder General T. Watson (a.k.a. the Bond villain NonceFinger, thanks to an apt typo) will not be elevated either.
Brain switched on . . .
Tells the mugs anything; they might just believe it
Are the auntiesocial meeja companies likely to be bothered if a few people boycott them for a couple of days for not cancelling anti-Semitic posts fast enuff? Like that could happen.
Today's Observation: Feng Shooglyan afternoon session of furniture rearranging after a good Glasgow pub lunch.
Imagination somewhat totally lacking
Britain's binned top civil servant, M. Sedwill, reckons that President Boris's Cabinet is far too big. Translationthere are so many of them that intimidating all of them takes far too long. Worse, there are some Cabinet members who dare to express the opinion that the civil service is less than 100% wonderful!
Q: How many humans are needed to rescue an 8½ stone St. Bernard rescue dog, who conks out in the Lake District?
Britain's doomy head boffin medical officer, Prof Whitty, is getting the blame for putting the kybosh on foreign holidays as a reward for being so cheerful and such a ray of sunshine during the Plague Year.
Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.