There are no facts any moreit's all fake news and propaganda
One-third of people admit breaking the locko rules, pollsters have found. This means, according to the office psychologist, that two-thirds to three-quarters of people have actually done it.
Barnard Castle is set to become Britain's No. 1 tourist destination on the strength of the endorsement from Dangerous Dom Cummings. One small problemvisitors will be in danger of being harassed by old gits with nothing better to do.
“Why didn't they let the Operation Midland crew loose on Dangerous Dom? They'd have had him stitched up with credible & true lies in no time flat!” R.W.
“Time to revive: 'do you want cheese with that whine?'” T.S.
Letting motorists off the requirement to have an up-to-date MOT certificate is putting death on the roads, we are assured, because people with dodgy cars are taking advantage of their licence to roam.
“Hong Kong Chinese to be the new Ugandan Asians now that the mainland waxworks have called a halt to any pretence of allowing democracy and dissent there?” F.K.
If everything is copper-plated, the world will be saved from the Chinese plague as copper has such strong antibacterial and antifungal properties that contaminants are neutralized in under 4 hours.
Q: If you're a priest, what's the world's worst excuse for chopping a bloke's head off with an axe @ your shrine in India?
A: Claiming a goddess told you to do it in a dream to bring an end to the Chinese pandemic.
The EbloodyU's negotions guy, M. Barnier, is trying talk himself into 2 more years of employment and gouge tens of BILLIONs of pounds out of the pockets of British taxpayers by talking up a 2-year extension to the transition, which runs out on December 31st this year. President Boris, though, is having none of it;.
Q: How does an online gambling giant dodge a £3.5 million fine for misconduct?
A: Dive through a legal loophole.
“The best reason for not firing Dangerous Dom is that it would give the lazy, looney left a big break.” P.I.
Giving fake news a bad name
Are we surprised that a Dangerous Dom snitch also went for an extended drive despite locko rules? Or that one of the snitches has admitted making his story up? And is now claiming that it was all a joke? Are we surprised that the 'protesters' who ignored locko to make a nuisance of themselves @ Dangerous Dom's home included a looney-left rent-a-mob contingent? Not even a little bit.
“If Dangerous Dom goes, everyone else who infringed locko must go, MPs, boffins and allin the name of fairness. Like that's going to happen, though.” R.W.
Not even trying
If that's the best the Wiltshire crop-tramplers can do to create a CoCO19 virus particle [right], they need to head back to the drawing board and stay there. Our Xpert reckons it looks more like a squashed amoebum's grandma.
Purely temporary phenomenon
Bike shops have been doing a roaring trade since locko began. Bikes for sale on eBay will be multitudinous, the Xperts reckon, when people return to their old, idle ways.
Bum-bum, bum-bum, BUM-BUM!
Go on holiday to Spain and what will happen to you? You'll be eaten by a shark. The lack of human bodies in the sea off Spain's beaches has bought the top-of-the-food-chain predators flocking to the beaches of the Mediterranean coast, fish-counters reckon, in case humans come back and start providing snack opportunities again.
“No surprise that Mad Mandy of the Sunday Post is blaming Dangerous Dom for single-handedly demolishing democracy in Britain. [While Mandy is attempting to build dimocracy? Ed.] He's also accused of politically disillusioning her son, the poor little stinker, who's a gap-year 22-year-old. But if you get paid for confecting faux outrage, it's a living.” N.S.
Hope springs eternal
This year, next year, neverthe Xperts are all busy laying their bets on when, or if, a vaccine for the Chinese plague will be found. Some guy will get lucky. The losers will all have to look around for another reputation-builder.
Good News! Scotland is enjoying a heat wave.
Bad News: It brought the midges out in force. Figures.
Pretty much swings and roundabouts
The latest apocalypse warning is that unless humans turn vegetarian and have nothing at all to do with animals, the next pandemic will kill half of the world's population.
On the up-side, the 3.5 BILLION people left will have a bit more elbow room and broadband speeds will go up with less competition for access to the system.
“Another positive spin-off is that with one-half of the population gone, everyone will become twice as rich and no one will be able to plead poverty ever again.” M.I.
Tonite's TV Hilites: 1. Mummies that shocked the nation on History Channel
2. Attenborough's Fabulous Frogs episode 4: Charles de Gaulle on Nat Geo Wilde
They never will be missed
One of our correspondents was remarking on the lack of calls from phone scammersthe computer voice pretending to be BT cutting off your broadband, etc. He was expecting lots of them whilst everyone was locked down at home. But nothing.
Which left him hoping that the Chinese plague has croaked all the scumbags with the phone-scammer gene.
Relax, they haven't gone away. Another correspondent reported a really weird artificial female voice going on about a free boiler scam.
The must-have gadget of the moment is a shooting stick, if you're allowed to visit someone in their garden but you're not allowed to sit on anything.
Take a car for a test drive and there's no one from the showroom allowed to be in it. Expect insurance companies to shove rates up considerably using as their excuse, the small number of drivers who know how to disable the GPS tracker and who will keep on going.
The number of loopholes in the quarantine plan
for arrivals in the UK
How sad do you have to be to queue for THREE HOURS to get in to an Ikea furniture store?
The city council of Yamato in Japan is considering making illegal the antisocial act of wandering about with your eyes fixed on a pocket phone instead of where you're going. Good on them if they do it!
Oh, dear! How are the bitching buggers going to survive when Dangerous Dom decides that his mission to deliver Brexit and melt the waxworks of the civil service has been completed and it's time to look for a new challenge?
The Royal Mint’s latest gimmick . . .
. . . is a set of 3 x 50p coins with colour pictures of dinosaurs on them. The packaging includes a data chip which can be scanned with a pocket phone using the Royal Mint app for further information on the dinosaursfacts, video clips and pictures.
Fire-fighters in the North-West are getting plenty to do in the hot, dry weather, which has brought to the moors of Lancashire the usual plague of arsonists and idiots who fail to Xtinguish their portable barbeque. The litter louts were also out in force.
Before the weather broke, the police were having a great time, confiscating beer and portable barbequeues by the ton. Happy times when the shift ended and all that loot needed to be disposed of?
No place like it
25% of home 'workers' have found that there is no need to get out of bed if they're just rattling the keyboard of a laptop. Xcept for trips to the fridge, of course, and also the bathroom to make room for more out of the fridge.
Getting on for one-third of the new breed of toilers 'think' they are more productive (no proof on offer, though) and half of the locko labourers prefer it to going out to work.
Cars manufactured during the formal lockdown period are set to become collectors' items. Under 200 were completed in Aprilthe lowest total since 1944, when the nation was getting ready for D-Day in June of that year.
No surprise that the teaching unions have managed to turn the return to school of some of the nation's kids into a shambles and some of the self-proclaimed Xperts are telling us that unlocko is as bad an idea as locko was in the first place.
London's cosmetic mayor is still doing his best to prevent people from using public transport apart from Boris Bikes. The SadGeek's big problem is that he is unable to give his predecessor the credit for introducing them.
Falls over in excitement and breaks a leg
The sunniest spring on record? Wow! Impressive! Well, not that impressive if you realize that the records go back only as far as 1929. And if this is the product of climate change, how come it's getting wetter and cooler as the week goes on? The climate doesn't change that fast.
Chinese employees who fail to reach their sales target have to eat live worms. The same, unfortunately, does not apply to the waxworks running the country. Who would just shift the goalposts anyway.
Gloss to loss
You have to wonder about the journalistic value-for-money of 'business magazine' fforbes if they built up a 20-year-old as the world's youngest billionaire in 2018 then decided it was all a façade of flim-flam that the fforbes bean-counters failed to spot at the time.
The Covid Couch™
Visiting someone's garden but you can't sit down for fear of being arrested for contaminating the place?
Take along your own, personal parking accessory!
• Also great for fighting off muggers now they can be out and about again!
• The Deluxe version accommodates a 12-bore shotgun cartridge to turn your shooting stick into a real burglar defence system!
• Comfort combined with versatility
A range of styles & sizes in stock @ Ramblers of Romiley, 34c Riverside Drive.
Confused tourists are now flocking to the North-East of England in search of a place they've seen on the telly to find out what's so special about it.
Somewhere called Barbara Castle . . .
Don’t play along
The Dangerous Dom Episode has just confirmed what we know about the Unspeakable Left. They'll always be trying to inflate nothing much into a major crisis which threatens the future existence of the human race.
Accordingly, the best way to treat them is to look them firmly in their beady wee eyes, tell them we know Xactly what they're doing, and then infuriate them totally by ignoring them.
“In the meantime, Dangerous Dom will continue in his valuable role of Witchfinder General by going among the ungodly and attracting the bile of the unworthy?” A.C.
We are being subjected to so much pious BS on TV just now that it is possible to hope that the world's supply could run out. Even knowing that life just ain't like that.
Simper Groan, our meeja correspondent [right], assures us that there is an infinite amount of hypocrisy in the universe. And that he, personally, can get a planeload flown in from anywhere on the planet if the British supply ever runs short.
“Anyone seen Pixie Balls-Couper taking her collection of Syrian refugees for a walk now that locko has been loosened?” M.F.
How many of the yobmob who made pests of themselves @ the Cummings residence in London were busted for a hate crime? None at all? How surprising!
The Spanish government intends to take court action against 17 airlines over their refusal to refund customers for cancelled flights and their attempts to keep the cash.
There is now a competition on-going among local authorities to be the first to have their fief put back under full lockdown.
Indulging in looting and arson are not particularly good ways of winning friends and making people value you.
“When the lootin' starts, the shootin' starts? Sounds fair enough.” B.O.
“Only members of the criminal community and their supporters could be offended by that.” H.C.
Questions we'll never have answered:
• Were George Floyd's fingerprints on the phoney $20 bill he was suspected of passing?
• Why were four police officers needed to arrest him?
A criminal can't 'earn' money by burgling holiday apartments and flats, as the latest suspect in the Madeleine McCann mystery is described as doing. Cash stolen is not earned.
p.s. That 2013 E-fit picture looks a lot like former PM J. Major!
Pakistani pigeons which stray into Indian air space are being zapped and busted by counter-espionage agents when they try to fly home. Despite years of mockery, the Indians continue to refuse to believe that tags bearing the phone number of the pigeon's owner are not top secret, numerically coded spy messages of world-shattering import.
The world's oldest bug lives in Scotland, the Xperts have revealed, and it celebrates its 425 millionth birthday this year.
Q: Is a Labour party whip breaking locko to date a bloke who's married to someone else out of the same box as Dom 'the Isolator' Cummings?
A: Only if you're a card-carrying member of the looney left or Sir Kreepy Steamer.
Level playing field EbloodyU style
Typical EbloodyUthe waxworks want all British products with protected names; Melton Mowbray pies, Stilton cheese, Scotch whisky, etc.; to lose this status but they expect Champagne, Parma ham and other stuff produced on the Europeon mainland to be protected from cloning.
Something else President Boris should say no to.
11,000,000 is the number of jobs being subsidized by the taxpayer at an expected final cost of £100,000,000,000
There is at least one Xpert willing to back absolutely any viewpoint you care to name on what is going to happen with regard to the Chinese plague in the long, medium or short term. So much for the value of Xpertise!
“Time to hand out the stun-guns and weed-whackers to reclaim the streets from parasites. Everywhere.” M.A.
“Are we really expected to believe that all these characters out in the streets have a cause? Most of them have to be bored and looking for an Xcuse to abandon locko. And the rest of the ones in the big cities are criminals out for anything that's not nailed down.” W.N.
Geometric figures with sides 2 metres long are being offered as a means of ensuring safe spacingsquares, pentagons, hexagons, parallelograms, etc.in parks and on beaches.
No doubt those foolish enough to opt for a pentagon will find themselves busted under some antique law as suspected of being involved in witchcraft if the spacing police get bored.
Staying away from people who breathe and/or talk is the best way to avoid the Chinese plague, the Xperts reckon. Touching contaminated surfaces is not considered to be a primary spreading mechanism.
Wow, gosh! The police of the Metropolis have found a 'strong' connection between hot weather and locko flouting. Whoda thunk it!
The Chinese government is threatening to invade Britain to chastise President Boris if he dares to offer asylum to Hong Kong residents with dual British/Chinese nationality who dare to free from the new climate of oppression in Honkers.
The current Gov of the Bonk of England is talking up a no-deal separation between the UK and the EbloodyU.
Relief for some
The Xperts have come up with a great way to end the general lockdownhold a national census to determine the exact age, ethnicity, medical problem status, intelligence, etc. of everyone, feed the results into a mega-computer, and let it decide which areas need to be locked down and which can enjoy freedom again.
Gooble has issued a list of words which people cannot spell and they would have us believe that is it common for people to stick a superfluous 'e' on the end of potato like former US vice-president Dan 'Potatoe Head' Quayle. That is defintly [another problem word, Ed.] hard to believe.
The way ahead
Flooding is good for The Planet, the Xperts have concluded, as rivers flush zillions of tons of carbon dioxide in to the world's oceans, where it remains on lockdown for thousands of years.
As a result, the size of the Environment agency is to be tripled and it will work toward a target of getting at least 50% of the country under water as part of an active river system by 2025.
“This is the policy which will create water shortages this summer despite a soaking wet autumn and winter last year. Water companies have been allowed to sell off reservoirs to developers so that they can put housing in areas which flood easily as part of the carbon dioxide capture strategy.” R.W.
Shopkeepers are upsetting the banks and their allies, who want a cashless society to increase their income, by accepting actual money from customers as well as card payments in the name of staying in business.
Covid Cancels Cars
The Ministry of Communities is starting a drive to convert high streets into traffic-free zones containing a few safely spaced pedestrians looking in the windows of any shops which can do enough business to remain open.
“There will have to be extensive new medical facilities to treat safely all the foot-sloggers who have been ridden down by homicidal bikers.” F.N.
Q: When does a Joint Document on the status of the former Hong Kong colony have no practical significance?
A: As and when that's convenient for the mainland Chinese regime.
"The UK is not innocent"? What a load of bollocks. The UK had absolutely nothing to do with G. Floyd's demise.
“And trust a lawyer to come up with premeditated bollocks.” S.L.
“The most repellent part of the Floyd Affair is the cashinskis, who are trying to make it all about themthe popsters, the footballers and all the rest.” P.M.
“Oh, Lord, save us from kneeling coppers and all the other self-serving bollocks.” I.P.
Dream vs Reality
The idea of humanity colonizing Mars to prevent overpopulation rendering Earth uninhabitable; as zillionaire E. Musk reckons he has in store for us; is absurd. It's just unaffordable.
Population control here is the only practical way forward. But humanity's reckless breeders, and the people making money out of them, will never let it happen.
Q: How long will a shot of a vaccine for the Chinese plague stay effective?
A: For no more than a year to ensure that the company which invented it gets repeat business, like the companies offering the flu jab.
Q: How do you know if someone has been wearing a plague mask a lot?
A: They'll probably have horrific friction acne on their face.
No-go zone still
Police officers have been reminded that an English home remains a castle. They can shout at people from the garden gate if they think they're breaking locko rules but they have no legal right to invade the property.
One-third of people think the Home Sec.'s 14-day quarantine for arrivals in the UK ain't tough enuff!
A former head of MI6, known as 'C' but not C for Covid when he had the job, reckons he's seen a top secret report which proves that the pandemic strain of coronavirus is man-made and it was released by accident as a result of monumental stupidity.
The mystery expands
The Germans reckon they've cracked the disappearance of Madeleine McCann in Portugal 13 years ago. Their theory is that she was kidnapped and murdered by a known sex offender, who was living there, and who is currently in one of their gaols.
Q: Was anyone taken in by the faked-up pictures of a strawberry-coloured or orange Moon from Friday night's penumbral eclipse?
A: No one in their right mind was.
Getting very close
Our meeja correspondent, Trouty McPout, reports . . . Supporters of the Beeb's recklessly opinionated Viewsnight presenter E. Maitlis are attempting to create a new world record for complaints about a BBC programme by using a double-bubble system.
They are issuing a complaint about the BBC's daring to notice that their employee broke impartiality rulz as well as one about the unprofessional rant which caused all the trouble.
Just a few hundred more complaints to go and the target, and a new record, will be reached!
The north of Norway is sliding in to the sea slowly but relentlessly. Gorbal warming is getting the blame.
Police forces are in a keen competition to record the fastest speeder whilst the nation's roads remain relatively empty. The West Yorkshire gang are the current leaders with a radar reading of 151 mph on the M62, a good 10 mph faster than the nearest competitor.
“Issuing an edict banning locko legover created something which is so completely unenforceable that it just brought the whole locko thing into disrepute. But no doubt whoever thought of it is in line for a massive performance bonus.” K.S.
Another feast of unBritishness?
On the Last Night of the Proms, Remoaners will be standing on their doorstep, waving an EbloodyU flag when Rule, Britannia is played audienceless.
Pulling off the concert will be a real technical triumph as the broadcast crew will have to cope with mikeing up a full orchestra, two choirs and soloists, who will have to be safely spaced around a considerable portion of the Royal Albert Hall.
Co-ordinating the performers will be such a huge problem that the technical guys are experimenting with a system which will project an immense hologram of the conductor so that everyone can see him.
The chairman of the UK Sadistics Authority, Sir N. Orgrove, is having trouble understanding government data on testing for the Chinese plague. Shame universities and colleges are closed or he could have gone on a course to top up his learning.
50% of the population reckon that they are operating a personal boycott of everything imported from China. Not a problem for native Chinese eateries, then. Or won't be when they are allowed to reopen.
President Trump was mocked by the not-so-great and the not-so-good for taking hydroxychloroquine as protection against the Chinese plague. Surprise! The study published in The Lancet claiming the drug raises the risk of death for people with the plague has been withdrawn for further consideration of 'suspicious' data.
Q: You're in court for planting a fake bomb in Downing Street, what's your Xcuse?
A: Abandoning a rucksack containing 8 bottles of Corona brand beer was a spiritual message to help fight the Chinese plague. Desperate, or what!
Good news for people living near the Yellowstone National Park's supervolcano. The Xperts reckon that it is still shagged out after delivering 2 immense eruptions 9 million years ago and, if anything, it is getting weaker. Which means that the park remains safe to visit and enjoy and the local economy can continue to thrive. Or would be able to, if not for the Chinese plague.
Reports of minor shunts are up as people who have been off the roads for a while try to remember how it all works.
Standing about doing nowtsomething they’re good at
650 MPs x 2 metres apart for safe spacing = a queue 1.3 kilometres long if all of them bother to vote on a piece of legislation.
No wonder a routine vote taking 15 minutes under the old regime now takes three-quarters of an hour to execute.
“Waterboarding will have to be done with bottled water if there's the usual summer drought and rationing? That's really going to please the government's bean-counters!” T.Y.
Drive-through testing centres for the Chinese plague are deserted. Where is everyone? In a queue @ a drive-thro' McDonuts.
“What a shame that so many of the people escaping locko for a trip to a beauty spot are litter louts and shopping zombies on a day off.” R.W.
£100 Million wasted on investigating and resisting efforts to get compensation over the actions of British troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. All the cases binned as fraudulent. Maybe the persecuted troops need to start a class action against the grasping lawyers and the New Labour pillocks responsible.
Especially the ones still persecuting soldiers who had to deal with active IRA terrorists and their pals.
Just a small quibble, but where is President Boris planning to put his 3 million refugees from Hong Kong?
“Maybe he's going to deport all the bogus asylum seekers. That should create more than enough room.” A.I.
It takes a dispensed-with Attorney General like G. Cox to put the 'crud' into recrudescence.
Q: What happens if you're in a Tesla electric car which is in self-drive mode and some idiot crashes a truck, which ends up on its side across the motorway, blocking your lane and the one next to it?
A: Your Tesla car will bury its nose in the truck, having failed to detect it in time.
Good news for President Trump. The Xperts reckon he can dump the blame for the pandemic plague on China and feckless state governors & local mayors. The Democrats are not in favour of tough law-and-order policies for when arsonists and looters hit the streets and start demolishing shops. And big business doesn't want the Democraps back to put up taxes.
Not so good news for the North-West of England, which will have to stay in lockdown because the inhabitants are still spreading the Chinese plague with reckless abandon.
The same fate is likely for the South-East, particularly the London area, where mobs on the march are making a mockery of safe spacing rules. Rather curiously, the same reckless abandon also applies to the normally more sensible and sedate South-West of England.
“They certainly have a weird justice system in Germany if the new prime suspect in the Madeleine McCann abduction was sentenced to 7½ years in gaol in December 2019 but he's already eligible for parole.” A.M.
Police officers in the United States have started their own backlash against the proposition that Police Lives Don't Matter.
The BBC is getting a lot of grief from its sexist wimmin employees for not appointing a male Director General who identifies as female.
Care home residents; the ones who pay their own way; are being hit with a £125/week Chinese plague surcharge to pay for PPE and absent staff members.
Idle hands . . .
What's the real reason why MPs are being required to be there in person for debates and votes rather than doing it by remote control? Far too many of them are going off piste 'by mistake' and ending up gawping at porn @ the taxpayer's expense.
Going on a TV dance show makes your hair fall out? Crumbs! That's probably why no one we've ever heard of does it.
Will Floyd cashinskis cause as much havoc as the Chinese plague? Could be a close-run thing.
No rebound ’coz there’s no bounce
The government's biggest worry right now is that people who didn't have much of it in the first place have lost their last trace of the work ethic and found that they are quite happy to lounge about at home watching box sets at the expense of people who work and pay taxes.
Britain's zoos are heading for Xtinction if locko keeps going for much longer.
Some guy was moaning why can't the four countries of the UK have the same lockdown easing to make things simpler for him. Maybe he should go and ask the Chinese plague why things are not the same everywhere.
“Manchester's cosmetic mayor is getting in on the act by demanding an end to locko even though he knows the North-West is a major spreader zone.” M.B.
Face masks that used to be a quid down to 60p? Market forces or market farces? Especially if they cost 3p to manufacture in China.
“Any nation which wants unarmed and non-violent police officers has to give them a better class of suspectones who don't get intoxicated enough to resist arrest by 4 coppers.” G.T.
It's all very well for airlines to threaten to sue the British government over the 14-day quarantine for arrivals here but it's just shoving cash into the pockets of lawyers. The courts have no powers to tell the government to ignore the advice of its medical Xperts just because foreign-owned airlines don't like it.
Moan, moan, moan
The government is supposed to make decisions and give orders. But when it does just that and decides that everyone will have to wear a mask @ hospitals; staff and customers and visitors alike; from the middle of the month, there's a chorus of moans. You just can't win.
Only black lives matter?
We're just past another anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre, when the bodies of thousands of people were mashed to mince by the tanks of their 'Liberation Army' and flushed down Peking's drains. But are Chinese embassies and consulates around the world under permanent siege by cashinskis?
Maybe the lives lost were the wrong colour and nationality. Or maybe there were just too many of them.
The anti-British looney left here might be ignoring this inconvenient anniversary but the people of Hong Kong didn't, even under the threat of huge fines and a chance to see if they can survive some hell-hole of a prison on the Chinese mainland.
Thinking with a slant
The Notional Truss for Scotland has come up with an interesting wheeze to make the Glenfinnan Monument @ Loch Sheel more interesting. The 600-foot tower to the memory of clansmen who died in the Jacobite cause, built in 1815, has developed a lean, like the famous bell tower in Pisa, after receiving a £170K renovation.
The list is currently 1 foot from the vertical and the Xperts are trying to work out just what they can get away with to achieve maximum drama with acceptable safety.
The scaffolding is coming off the fire-ravaged Notre Dame cathedral after its rebuild, if anyone feels like struggling to Paris for a look.
“The looney left and anti-British racialists now have a licence to wreck anything they like with an audience of kneeling coppers beaming approval at them. How absolutely wonderful.” E.C.
This week includes the 395th anniversary of the birth of Giovanni Cassini, who invented the rings of Saturn and whose name is immortalized in the appellation of the gap between the planet's A and B ringsthe Cassini Division.
“Maybe HM the Queen should do Sir Kreepy Steamer the favour of cancelling his K if it embarrasses him so bloody much.” B.K.
“If Sir Kreepy wants to portray himself as a ragged-arse ne'er-do-well like the people he represents, he's going to have to get himself a much better drama coach.” L.S.
It’s strictly ‘he said, she said’ level onlyfor a reason
Scotland's First Meenister has done her best to frustrate any investigation of her conduct during the lockdown period by receiving only verbal advice from Xperts, who were not allowed to put anything on paper for later scrutiny.
Historians are outraged. No one who knows how slippery politicians are is surprised.
“Similar sort of situation around here. Manchester's cosmetic mayor is frantically trying to get his alibis in place ahead of his mega 'not me, gov'.” C.L.
Any gesture made with two fingers, even if they're taped together, is now known in the United States as the Winston Churchill victory 'up yours'.
Eyes Averted or Denied Demo Death Toll
The nation's bean-counters have been ordered not to calculate the extra number of deaths from the Chinese plague attributable to the mass gatherings at the start of this month. It's not politically convenient to those involved.
Divorce lawyers are eagerly expecting an upturn in business thanks to the pressures of lockdown. They expect a spike which will rival the traditional January spike following the horrors of the Festering Season.
Elopement to a wedding in the great outdoors; something which is legal only in Scotland; is now officially a growth industry. The lawyers will be delighted to know that.
“Is it racialism if a member of a different racial grouping thinks that he/she is entitled to refuse to be arrested by a white cop?” E.B.
38% of Scots have less cash due to locko, 25% have more and the rest are about the same. The Xperts are Xpecting a surge of consumer spending when the shops reopen, which will level things up a bit.
The good thing about President Trump is that he gets right up the noses of the world's HUTAgonians. As for Joe Bidet, is the poor old sod going to last out for another 4 years? And who will be pulling his strings?
“Mr. Bidet is also a customer of the sleaze merchants, which can be either a positive or a negative, depending on how HUTAgonian the voters are feeling” R.W.
Switzerland is claiming the world record for safety from the Chinese plague.
Like that will happen!
A 'top doctor' reckons the bored thugs and vandals and racialist confectors should be made to go into quarantine for a fortnight to prevent further spreading of the Chinese plague.
Is there going to be one brick left standing on another in Minneapolis if the lunatic city council abolishes the police? Doubtful.
People swanning around in Sweden don't have to wear a face mask which, the Xperts assure us, offers little protection to the wearer from the Chinese plague but does offer some protection to the people around the wearer if that person is infected with something. Even if it's just a common cold.
Masks are needed everywhere outdoors in Spain, though.
Q: Will local councils failing to empty litter bins contribute to the unlocko litter epidemic?
A: Not really. Litter louts don't use bins and councils are not bothered about emptying them regularly at the best of times. They have too many overpaid members & officials and trivialities to waste their income upon.
Any Xcuse for a Day Orf
The Culture Sec. is talking up an October bank holiday in the hope that it will shove £500 MILLION of ready cash into the economy. Celebrating Trafalgar Day is in the bottom half of the list, given the number of anti-British HUTAgonians around in Westminster.
Sir Kreepy is finding that being Labour leader isn't keeping him occupied or paying enuff. Which is why he has taken a job on a radio phone-in show.
Despite locko, residents in some parts of London are still at risk of being gunned down by some nutter on a motorbike.
The latest thing for 'notice me' celebs to claim is that they are pansexual. Translation?
They'll shag anything alive, barely breathing or long dead.
“Cops on their knees before armies of fired-up, entitled spreaders? Nothing like making an easy target of yourself.” R.P.
“No doubt they're all now having a fortnight off with pay in case they were breathed on.” D.M. [Cynical or what! Ed.]
“MPs are using a similar trick to get out of going back to work. Especially Labour ones.” M.B.
Too entitled to think straight
MP logic: “I've been isolating and I tested negative for the plague on the day before I joined in a cashinski jamboree, so I didn't give anyone the plague.”
And what about not not catching the plague yourself from a spreader during your stunt, wiseguy? And then going on to contaminate others whilst feeling virtuous and invulnerable?
The nutters who are claiming that 5G phone masts spread the Chinese plague have gone from sad to dangerous. They're putting razor blades and needles behind anti-5G posters attached to the masts.
Worse & Worser
The doom-mongers are in a desperate race to claim the highest figure for deaths from the Chinese plague on top of the official number.
The latest bid from the Office for National Sadistics is 11,000 more than the Department of Health number for England and Wales.
A major achievement of the Chinese plague pandemic is to drive casual racialism by anyone who does not identify as white to a world record level.
The waxworks in charge of foreign aid are now sending more cash to easy targetsespecially ones with a space programme like India and Chinathan to the world's poorest nations.
Is this a subtle hint to the pauper nations that they need to start a space programme of their own? And most important of all, will they cotton on to the racket?
The latest revelation about the Chinese plague is that something strikingly similar to CoCO19 was circulating in and around Wuhan last summer.
Breweries are agitating for three weeks' notice of when pubs will be allowed to reopen in order to have beer stocks ready for delivery.
Dodgy and Dodgiest
You can tell the Warmists are getting desperate when they claim that a giant sea creature living 1,000 feet down is the key to taking carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere, so please can they have a few BILLIONs to study it and find out how its mucus trap works?
Larvaceans are also great at trapping seaborne microplastic particles so can they have a few BILLIONs more for that?
Today's wonderful trend: The Televinegar Trait.
“If there is to be a major overhaul of how police forces operate, we're entitled to demand a corresponding overhaul of the behaviour of their customers so that the police emphasis is more on serving than the need to protect.” C.P.
Interesting thought: Locko is no handicap to tree-huggers as there is no evidence that doing it spreads the Chinese plague.
“While we're being lectured about which statues need to be torn down, let us not forget who made the slave trade possible. Namely, the ancestors of all the self-righteous people from the Dark Continent whose ancestors rounded up members of tribes which they considered to be inferior and flogged them off to the visiting Europeans as an alternative to working for a living.” D.L.
Are we allowed to know if there is any official mechanism for checking that face masks worn in shops and which are compulsory on public transport are brand new and previously unused?
That's as opposed to worn every day and given a bit of a rinse then parked on a radiator to dry if they start looking a bit grubby?
Q: What happens if the participants get into an arse-kicking contest over a marriage with assets of £600,000?
A: The lawyers cop for £590,000.
Some universities are demanding that examiners go easy when marking papers of non-white students in case they've been traumatized by all the rioting going on. Which tells a prospective employer what? That the degree ain't worth the paper it's printed on? Because the ones in the private sector ain't stoopid. They can't afford to be.
Official: We are doomed if the 2-metre rule ain't scrapped.
Zoos & safari parks can open because they need the income. Schools in the public sector will not reopen, even if the kids need the education, as Labour councils and the teaching unions are not being co-operative. And the 2-metre rule, especially for kids, is not helping.
Teachers at schools where the inmates are allowed to spit at them have a point.
Definition for Today‘transparent’: "This is my father, who used to be my mother."
Transister: “My brother also had the operation.” H.T.S.
Transiaunt: “So did my Uncle. Then he changed his mind.” A.L.M.
New rules for cartoons: Bugs Bunny cannot be shot at or threatened with a gun. But he can still be placed at risk of being blown up or maimed with a scythe.
Dentists can reopen but they can't actually do anything much in the way of treating customers. How very New Labour.
The silent call industry seems to be picking up againa sign that the phone scammers definitely have not gone away.
The bosses of the Swiss railway system want their government to cancel its working from home recommendation to get the nation moving again and give railway workers something to do other than stand around idly all day. Putting the price of petrol up by 12 Swisscents/litre is expected to help a little.
The Swedish police have named a prime suspect for the public execution of the then prime minister in 1986. The suspect is conveniently dead and unable to sue for slander.
“Drug rings and gangs taking advantage of the faux outrage to settle scores and wage turf wars? What better time could there be than right now?” E.N.
“They're talking about abolishing the police in Canada in the US completely, or cutting down their funding to leave them unable to do anything more than sit around all day, drinking coffee and not arresting members of vexatious minorities.
“Sounds like the same would be a good idea here. Especially cutting off their funding before they start splurging on knee pads and kneeling mats.” R.P.
See you, Jimmy!
A Swiss research outfit has come up with a transparent face mask to help out people who lip-read and people who feel threatened if they can't see the people around them smiling and looking non-threatening. The masks can be manufactured in Switzerland, which has been required to create a new industry as a result of a ban on PPE exports by its neighbours, particularly Germany.
The bank-robbing community is lobbying vigorously for a ban on the see-through masks.
The Football League doesn't know which threat is greaterthe Chinese plague or a terrorist attack by Islamists taking advantage of slackened security.
“You do start to wonder if those sci-fi films in which aliens steam in to prevent the human race from contaminating the rest of the universe with its bigotry and hypocrisy didn't get it Xactly right.” H.C.
TLC 4 FPS
The Founder Protection Society is reporting a large increase in donations. The FPS seeks to protect the reputations of Britain's founding fathers and benefactors from assaults by anti-British interests in pursuit of a repellent agenda.
Brain switched off
Contrary to the public impression, it is not necessary for someone travelling alone in their vehicle to wear a face mask as you can't catch the Chinese plague from yourself.
No welcome in the hillsides
Wales will remain shut to non-residents all through the summer. Anyone wanting to be rained on will have to go somewhere else. Or have a picnic in the comfort of the shower in their own bathroom.
Equality in Britain
If you are ancient, female, vindictive and a luvvie, you can slander anyone at all to your heart's content on TV with Ofcom's blessing.
Making the science work
The hospitality industry is demanding a redefinition of the metre in the way the good old British pound was deconstructed from 240 old pence into 100 New Pence in 1971.
The New Metre will be reset at 50% of the size of the old metre to allow the hospitality industry to make a profit with safe spacing of 2 New Metres. The advantage of this is that existing signs demanding two-metre spacing can still be used.
The Xperts have considered probiotics and concluded that they don't harm healthy people and they don't help people with a disease of the digestive tract.
The South will not be cowed
If you're a fan of the Dukes of Hazzard, you'd better not wait any longer to buy the box set because it is bound to be banned due to its Confederate flag and music of the South content. Not that there won't be an efficient black market in such products, but the price is bound to sky-rocket.
“If the people agitating over a cause are ignorant thugs, the cause becomes identified with ignorance and thuggery 'coz that's the way the world works.” A.L.
“You do start to wonder if the looney left and top coppers are secretly conspiring to foment racialism so that they can score virtue points by pretending to condemn it. Because without it, they would have no raison d'être.” E.D.
The ‘Up Yours’ by other means?
“In American and Canadian football, the quarterback takes a knee in a 'Victory Formation' to eat the clock at the end of a match and indicate that his team has won and there's not a damn thing the other lot can do about it. Do the jelly-livered top coppers realize that their kneelers can be seen as taunting the rioters and calling them losers?” M.X.
We're getting a Cultural Revolution. How wonderful. and will it kill more people than the ones Chairman Mao and Pol Pot wished upon their grateful nations? It will have to in the name of making us the world leader in the field.
“The Warmists are going to be up in arms when the Cultural Revolutionaries start burning books and dumping zillions of tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.” R.W.
Q: Are all the HUTAgonians who were baying for Dangerous Dom to be sacked about to be sacked themselves for breaking locko rules themselves when rioting?
A: You can't sack layabouts who don't have a job.
Human nature never changes
80 years ago, back in 1941, the government got the hump over people buying soap with the same fervour as this year's boggo rollo bandits and creating a temporary artificial shortage when there was plenty to go around.
Another brain in neutral
Some wiseguy is astounded that the homes that crashed into the sea off the Isle of Sheppey got planning permission for their construction. It's obviously someone who didn't get that they were built a long way from the sea but the Environment Agency made no attempt to protect the coast from erosion and that's why they disappeared over the advancing edge of a cliff.
Minute burst of electromagnetic radiation @ radio wave frequencies from beyond our galaxy are being offered as possible messages sent by an alien civilization. But not to us, of course. Only an idiot would think that.
Further, something lasting for 1 millisecond sent every 16 days is not exactly a conversation and sounds much more like a signal from a rotating object of some sort. Think pulsars. Although, this view is much too sensible for the LGM community to accept.
The nation's official number-crunchers have decided that children under the age of 15 are more @ risk of being zapped by a bolt of lightning than the Chinese plague.
The foot-dragging by the teaching unions over reopening schools is creating a generation of mentally challenged youngsters, the Xperts reckon. The kids' failure of to learn how to interact with others and appreciate someone else's point of view could produce a generation of serial killers.
Policing in the UKin a sorry state
In England, it's the Brazilian Killers vs the Nonce Squad for a shot at the Bristol Surrender Monkeys in the next round. In Scotland & Wales, the SNP and Labour are making respective bogs of things. And in Northern Ireland, IRA supporters are directing assaults on former British service personnel.
“Dentists need to put the customer's head into the equivalent of a laboratory glove-box with a highly efficient extraction system so that all the virus-laden (maybe) aerosols generated by drilling are fed to a sterilization system. Totally impractical in the long term, though.” R.W.
No Rhodes scholars from Africa in future and cancel the visas of those currently here. It's only fair to them.
The paint industry is getting a much needed boost from all the statue and street sign vandals.
The world don’t work like that
Maybe someone could mention to the misguided people who are agitating for an immediate public inquiry into the government's handling of the Chinese plague that these things take years and YEARs to unfold because of the difficulty in extracting facts from a sea of fake news.
Thus, the agitators won't get the instant answers that they think should be on offer and any 'answers' they do get will be tripe and truth indistinguishably mixed.
Only one-third of the coppers in Hampshire are the right weight for their height. The rest are either obese or plain enormous. Just as well the same applies to the customers.
The failed nonce finder police chief Hulk Hogan Hyphen Howe has copped for a Cabinet Office imaginary job @ a grand per day.
There are so many acts of gitism going on that the word 'contemptible' has had to be returned to the factory for a retread.
A fine one to talk
It is rather amusing to see former Labour minister D. Blunkett, whose career went Blunk! against the buffers twice for Mandelsonia, pontificating about education. He let The Blob run riot during the New Labour episode.
And he would have Xploded with faux rage if anyone had suggested his present remedy for getting kids back to schoolusing an army of retired teachers and assistants to by-pass the foot-dragging teaching unions.
Q: We're told that the exact number of deaths due to the Chinese plague will never be known because not everyone who died with or of it was tested or PM'd. Who are the winners and losers?
A: The bean-counters are severely distressed & depressed by being unable to come up with an Xact figure. Fake news merchants are elated as they can continue to think of a number that suits whatever garbage they cook up..
Cocoavid™? Oooh, Yes!
• More than just a bedtime drink!
• A real Plague Pacifier!
• Nourishment combined with Feel Good!
in stock @
Romiley Healthy Living, 41b Riverside Drive.
Confluence of brilliant ideas
1. Anticipating further pandemics from the east, estate agents are trying to promote gardens as a must-have accessory @ a huge premium.
2. People lucky enuff to have prised a refund for a cancelled holiday out of a travel firm/airline's clutches are spending the cash on anything from a back garden paddling pool to an elaborate inflatable hot tub. The firms flogging these latter items are selling them as an investment with a life of 20-30 years.
Those still with a hole in their accounts courtesy of the travel industry can join in the fun only by using binoculars from an upstairs window.
Things that the management of British Airways do cannot be a national disgrace as it is no longer a British company. It has been Spanish-owned for ages. Not that you'd expect MPs to bother about inconvenient basic facts when they're in ranting mode.
It must take real precision for a marching band to celebrate the Queen's official birthday whilst maintaining rigid safe spacing. Makes you proud to be British!
The thing minorities need to remember is they're called that for a reason. There are fewer of them than the people in the majority. Thus they are entitled to enjoy the rights, privileges and responsibilities of any citizen, and if they want to speak up about something, they can do.
But what they don't have is a right to force anyone who doesn't want to listen to them to take any notice of what they're saying. And they also don't have a right to overrule the majority.
The Xperts have decided that very little of the Chinese plague was exported directly from China. The sneaky Red Menace arranged for two-thirds of our dose to be imported via France and Spain.
Sinn Fein/IRA is blocking pensions for victims of its terrorists until clumsy IRA terrorists who blew themselves up get one too.
“If some racialist criminal refuses to be arrested by a cop from a different ethnic grouping, is there any realistic alternative to solving the problem quickly, and ensuring the safety of other members of the public, by shooting them?” J.P.
Evil is as evil does
Gooble has tried to erase Britain's wartime leader Sir Winston Churchill from history by removing his picture from a line-up of our prime ministers at the behest of confused looney left twits.
Q: How do you persuade the police to track down your stolen £20K superbike?
A: Doing an expletive-laden rant on Twatter worked for the actor L. Fox.
+ + + US to reform police on Presidential Edict + + + No danger of same applying to their customers + + +
It will be a game of two halves no longer. Football matches will become, 4 quarters like the American variety, with a break midway through each half purely at the referee's discretion. Presumably when things are a bit boring or when the team he doesn't support looks in danger of scoring a goal.
Why? Coz modern snoflakes can't go for more than half an hour without a swig from their personal water bottle.
Legal slavery was abolished throughout the British Empire in 1833, which means that no one alive today was affected by it and no one alive today merits an apology and a free ride because of it.
A real pillock of an advert
“30 quid for a watch that's accurate to 1 second in 138 MILLION years, the advert claimed. Which left me wondering how anyone is going to confirm that. And will the customers get their money back if the watch is 2 seconds slow after only 137,000,000 years?” R.W.
Those whom the Gods would destroy they first send mad
A non-white criminal who's armed and dangerous can be shot only by a cop of the same ethnic origin in the name of abolishing racial partiality? Not so much fuzzy as fantastical logic.
“We've heard more than enuff stuff from the world's whingers. A period of blessed silence would now be in order. Say, for about 6 years.” Clint Vogeldraxt
80% of the people who get a dose of the Chinese plague experience no symptoms and don't get involved in the track 'n' trace scheme. One-third of the people who do get themselves tested and turn out to be positive won't share their contact details.
It's at times like this that a government can decide that the quality of its customers is so low that it is no longer worth making an effort on their behalf.
Police do more stop 'n' cop exercises on non-white customers because they contribute a disproportionate membership to the criminal community in some areas. Any politician/stooge who pretends not to get that is dishonest or a cosmetic mayor.
** that's the super-size version.
“According to the small print, the soon to be shrunk 2 metre rule is officially just guidance, not a hard and fast edict. Looks like the public got it right by accident this time.” Colm HaNutter
“Bloody typical. The Xperts spend zillions of pounds of taxpayers' dosh on coming up with the term 'bimetricism' only to see it all go to waste before the word can be put into circulation.” Fuki Nehl
Good News: Dictionaries are to become cheaper following the abolition of everything beginning with the letter 'w', starting with white and women. Website will also have to go.
Like he does . . .
Current Labour leader, Sir Kreepy, has released a picture from the days when he was New Labour's Director of Public Prostitutions. It shows him practising kneeling in anticipation of a whack on the shoulder by a Royal prior to the award of a knighthood, allegedly from a grateful nation.
He is now believed to be in strenuous training toward being able to kneel on both knees so that he will be able to achieve simultaneous virtue posturing in support of two unworthy causes of the sort so beloved by Those People.
There are a lot of good persons of non-white origin and a few real stinkers. As seems to be inevitable, the minority spoils everything for the majority.
Good News: If you have had a dose of the common cold caused by a betacoronavirus, you might possibly be temporarily immune to the Chinese plague.
Just go for it!
President Boris would like us to shop till we drop to generate tax revenue to support the 11 billion people on furlough. Shame that savers will be unable to contribute anything to the retail binge for as long as interest rates fail to provide them with surplus loot to blow.
Thugs come in all sizes and sexes
One of Those People is filmed throwing rocks @ French cops. Later, she is filmed being arrested roughly.
Sympathy Quotient: Zero. Righteousness Quotient: Zero.
The BLAME Tendency seems to be doing its best to confect outrage against every historical figure who committed the cardinal sins of being white, well to do and a benefactor.
No surprise that the statue of Lord Baden-Powell on Poole Quay is on the hit list of the looney left local council there.
Guy's & St. Thomas' Hospital in London is to be closed on public safety grounds in case it becomes a target for racially motivated arsonists.
“Children 11, adults 40,000+ is the death toll from the Chinese plague. Clearly the solution to reopening our schools is to put child teachers in charge of classes rather than vulnerable adults.” Dai Lupp
Police forces are warning that yobs who normally go abroad for a summer holiday of havoc are planning a staycation summer of riots right here.
How absolutely wonderful.
The megabusiness Unilever has been persuaded not to migrate to Rotterdam and will become a solely British company based in London.
Fans of Marmite-flavoured, chocolate-covered icecream lollies can remain assured of no price rise due to import duty on a Continental product. But, no doubt, the product will not be immune to becoming smaller @ an unchanged price.
Rule Number One: Some Xpert or other will back anything you want to pretend is true.
Animal rights fanatics are demanding that those members of the BLAME Tendency who are most in favour of removing statues should be required to spend 100 hours per weekat their own expenseas Substitute Pigeon Poop Points. The alternative is some domestic arson for the obstructionists courtesy of the ARFs.
“There's no more shameful sight than statues of Britain's achievers boxed up to protect them from Those People because the police are standing idly by. Until members of the Righteous Right come along, of course.” Yamomas Mustash
“If it's a straight choice between being 'one of us' or one of 'Those People', it doesn't take long to pick a side.” Nadia Despotovik
Coming soon to Romiley Art Gallery:
A statuary installation by Larid Vogelsong
In association with Romiley Arts Federation
Official: We are running out of tolerance. Resupply could take months or years.
Sheffield United outraged, Aston Villa relieved
When is a goal not a goal? When the Hawk-Eye goal-line gadget 'malfunctions and fails to spot that the ball has gone into the net, and the ref goes along with it despite the protests of the players. Nil-nil final.
If we had a million quid each, there would still be poor people
If we'd known about this cheap and cheerful steroid which calms an over-excited immune system three months ago, 4,000-5,000 lives could have been saved from the Chinese plague. If we'd known ten months ago that China was about to export a global pandemic, 40,000 lives could have been saved in the UK.
If they'd known how to handle the Black Death in the 14th century, one-third of the world's population wouldn't have died and we have had a global population of about 13 billion now.
Which gets us . . . where?
“Basil Fawlty with concussion saying 'Don't mention the war' around German visitors is ray-sist? Only to Those People @ the Bollux Broadcasting Company.” J.A.G.
“There are actually people swanning around on buses going through Romiley. Looks quite strange after all the empty ones we're used to seeing cruising around aimlessly.” Druba Rimor
“And the Romiley bookie is open again. Which is a sure sign that we're back to normal. Or what passes for it.” Tulid Battledart
“What's the quickest way to shop in Romiley? A trip to Aldi. Straight in with a trolley with a freshly wiped handle, no hassle getting round and pretty well straight out again.” Jus Binther
People with access to spy satellite images are comparing old and recent pix of the car parks @ Chinese hospitals. This exercise in digital epidemiology is aimed at establishing Xactly when the plague started to circulate in and around Wuhan.
Hospital traffic started to accelerate in August 2019, some four months before the official Xmas outbreak date. Unsurprisingly, the Chinese government is continuing its campaign to persuade the world that the whole plague thing was cooked up by the CIA.
There seems to be a conspiracy going on in TV circles everywhere; including the UK as well as the US; to get rid of anyone who doesn't feel at all involved in the George affair. Especially if they're white. Gooble is also playing the same game. Those People just can't resist promoting more polarization and division.
Principles? Any you like!
"Life is too short to spend time with Those Horrible People", the new boss of the Beeb almost managed to say 2 years ago. But who better than one of Those People like him to do a U-ey?
Victim culture is now the first refuge of the scoundrel.
We are not accepting any BLAME, so KFO.
Twatter is boasting that it has shut down over 30,000 fake accounts set up by governments where the regime is hostile to the truth, especially China, Russia and Turkey. The Xperts reckon that they have barely scratched the surface of the problem and around 80% of Twatter accounts could be run by hostile-government stooges.
First it was a claim that the Russians got President Trump elected in 2016. Now, the story is that China has got the job this year. Just as well a US President can serve only two terms; unlike the president of say . . . Russia; or we'd have some wag trying to get us to believe that it's North Korea for Trump in 2024.
How smart is a 'smart' phone which won't work with the track 'n' trace app for the Chinese plague?
This week's major conspiracy theory: Shutting changing rooms in department stores and also public toilets is just a plot to prevent men who claim they are women from using them.
Savvy shoppers are not joining in the Boris Binge in the hope that teenage Chancellor Rikishi Snack will cut the rate of VAT, currently at 20%, to amplify the binge.
We’re not bloody listening any more
It's all very well for the plastic pundits to come up with new and Xciting clichés for the current financial mess. But the fact remains that we've not had anything like the Chinese plague to contend with before and so there's nothing to compare it with. Not that such a sensible consideration is likely to bother the Hot Air R Us mob.
“If the virus episode has taught us anything, it is that there is an infinite amount of bollocks sloshing around and a vast army of pillocks dishing it up and recycling the overspill.” R.W.
China is trying to start a border war with India, but only if it can get in place, an agreement that nukes will be kept in their silos.
The city council of Paris has decided to open up the Eiffel Tower next week on the condition that people can look at it from close range but no one is allowed inside it.
Those People are now outraged by President Boris's decision to include the interests of poor white children in the scope his racial inequality commission.
A too obvious swindle
The Drax power station is burning wood pellets made from slow-growing ancient trees in Russia instead of coal. This is part of the global warming fraudsters' attempt to claim that electricity generation in the UK is becoming carbon neutral. Par for the 'green energy' course.
The strawberries not consumed @ bloody Wimbledon have been made into jam and are on sale in tiny pots @ a suitably outrageous price.
The BBC will become 100% repeats on a permanent basis until at least the third quarter of next year.
“How are kids going to get free school meals during the summer if all the schools are shut thanks to the efforts of the teaching unions and Labour councils?” Ratupa Dhraynparp
Apparently, it was Sir Kreepy Steamer who got the free school meals concession, not some footballer. Or that's what His Kreepiness would have us believe.
Guess what the Xperts have come up with now! They reckon that people walking to work put more carbon dioxide into the atmosphere than car users as a result of the high-calorie grub scoffed by walkers.
Q: What do you get if the West Sussex police bust you for illegal drone operations near an airport; even though you don't own a drone; and lock you up for 36 hours illegally?
A: Two hundred grand or £92.59 per minute.
No surprise that the guy the BBC hired to police its impartiality on antisocial meeja has turned out to be one of Those People. The Beeb's response is that their guy is providing professional advice and his lack of personal impartiality makes him an expert at spotting it. Or something like that.
Another reason to panic
Official: The alibis have run out. So many people have been putting one in place about some bit of the fallout from the Chinese plague that there are none left on The Planet. Resupply from Mars is expected to take 3-5 decades.
Relief in sight? Or not
The Xperts are trying to convince themselves that the CoCO19 virus has climbed a learning curve and realized that killing its customers is a bad idea if it wants to go forth and multiply.
Another theory is that the virus is just getting tired and shagged out after a lengthy rampaging world tour, as virus evolution is a process that takes years, not months.
When the current spell of storms and floods and torrential rain and power cuts is over, we can expect a heat wave.
Former convict park Australia is getting its own back by deporting to the UK a killer who chopped off a teenager's head and used it as a bowling ball. Their excuse is that the killer was born in the UK and exported to Oz as a child, which makes him our problem.
Uncle Ben, the cheerful, black, rice farmer, is being erased from packaging in the UK in the name of ending rachel injustices. As pictures of brown or white rice could be considered ray-sist, the product will have to be offered for sale in a plain packet bearing just the unqualified description 'rice'.
How many triangles?
Come on! It doesn't even take the brains of a gnat to spot that there are absolutely none at all.
A gastropub is providing greenhouse-like structures in its grounds for small groups of customers who don't need to space themselves apart. Sounds okay except when the weather is cold and nasty.
The police have knocked out statistics on the ethnicity of people fined for breaking locko rules and found that they had seven times more non-white customers than white customers. So much for rachel equality.
The Gooble Safari browser for Mr. Internet is under attack by bad guys who are in pursuit of browsing history and login details for nefarious purposes. And Australia is also under sustained attack by cyberspies of hostile nations out for anything they can blag.
“The traditional light show @ Blackpool is going virtual? What a complete waste of time and a complete misunderstanding of what it's like to be among the Blackpool Illuminations.” Sanova Beach
Football matches are to be extended from 90 minutes to 2 hours to allow sufficient time for all the pre-match gestures and quarter-time swigging of energy drinks.
Gulp! theGrauniad has been outed. It was built on cash from the slave trade. But will it go into voluntary self-isolation until it learns the meaning of hippocrisy?
According to the Xperts, there could be an alien civilization on 36 of the planets in our galaxy.
“Or more, or fewer, or even none at all.” Krol Kolodziel
“One small problemall of the theoretical planets all too far away for meaningful (or even any) communication unless someone at both ends figures out the quantum entanglement thingy.” Ssam Ermurd
“If police chiefs decide they can't be bothered getting their posse to protect public monuments from Those People, maybe taxpayers will decide they Knut B. Arsed about contributing to top cop wages.” Poflak Squarebush
Captain James Tiberius Kirk back on the bridge as the commander of a starship called Enterprise? That will certainly drive home the message that the retirement age must rise. 100+ in a couple of centuries from now? It doesn't bear thinking about!
Schools in Northern Ireland will be back in business when the autumn term starts. So will private schools in Scotlandone-third of them will be able to handle their full roster from day one and the rest will follow soon after. Which just highlights the foot-dragging in the public sector north of the border. And south of it, as well.
U-turn is to be banned as a political pejorative which prevents governments from being willing to change a decision in the light of further evidence.
“History rewritten by Those People will have to be filed on the fiction shelf in future. Or there will be trubble!” L.G.R.
Q: La Bourwho she?
A: Could be a misprint for Boer, some person of Dutch/Sarf Efrican descent. Or Boor.
Oh, dear! There aren't enuff cases of the Chinese plague to let the Xperts calculate its R-number with any degree of certainty. They need thousands of cases to get anywhere near a good guess rather than a handful.
Q: How does someone upset the nation's Moaning Minnies?
A: By getting an article published in a fringe paper, like the F.T., telling everyone how well they're coping with locko.
China has copped for the blame for last week's cyberattacks on Australia and the government of China has the hump big time. You can tell that from the amount of bile in the anti-Aussie propaganda flood.
The nation is doomed, is the latest conclusion from the Xperts. Teens & 20-somethings are either too wiped out on hippy crack or too woke ever to amount to anything. And the present generation of schoolkids will emerge into the world too uneducated even to draw the dole.
There is a plan afoot to raise the motorway speed limit @ roadworks from 50 mph to 60 mph, especially where absolutely bugger all is going on. The trouble is, some jobsworth is bound to grot all over the plan because that's what they do.
50% of traders in India want a boycott of Chinese imports after the attack in the Himalayas; a trade worth $70 billion. The rest see their incomes going up in smoke if they have to rely on locally produced versions of Chinese stuff.
Just how dumb do These People think we are?
One man refuses to be arrested by his local police on suspicion of passing a dud $20 bill and towns and cities around the Western world go up in flames. And we're expected to believe there was no agenda, no orchestration? There's bound to be a trail of Red Gold somewhere along the line.
The agitators in the UK have been outed as having abolishing the police, closing prisons and doing away with capitalism on their agenda. What a shock they'll get when the Red Gold dries up!
The brother of some guy called J. Corbyn was hauled into court for persistent breaking of locko rules @ mob outings in Hyde Park. Who he? This Corbyn?
Q: Does adding a Black Power fist salute cancel out kneeling down?
A: Oh, yes, especially if you're a footballer.
“One assumes the kid is too naive to know that the gesture is intended to be as provocative as a Narzi salute in modern times.” Duncan Angry
A Chinese Xpert has announced that the CoCO19 plague can be preserved for 20 years at minus 20 deg.C., making its use as a weapon in future years something to worry about.
Almost forgotten menace comes back to haunt us
CERN is hoping to spend $20 BILLION on building a new underground particle accelerator, which will make the Large Hadron Collider @ the French/Swiss border look like a kid's toy. The people who thought that the collider would create swarms of lethal black holes are even more worried about the new gadget.
Wot’s going on?
The five-mile trail of destruction, which has left the south of Minneapolis looking like Beirut in the good old days, was caused by equal opportunity arsonists and thieves.
Businesses owned by black, Asian and other migrants and their descendants met the same fate as those run by white migrants and their descendants. The city fathers & mothers kept the police & fire departments on the sidelines and encouraged more devastation by abolishing the city's police forces.
Their customers were left wondering what the agenda is, knowing that Xpecting anything sensible from the looney left council is much too much to Xpect.
The city F&Ms of Minneapolis want to divert the cash spent on policing to fund donations to criminals in the hope that they will reform.
What about the ones who don't? They will be tackled by armed public safety staff who won't be police. Oh, no way.
If average earnings have gone up an artificial 20% the next time the government does the pension rise sum, only the opposition parties will start howling about a broken manifesto pledge if the rise the following April is less.
On the other hand, if the Bonk of England is printing a godzillion quid of imaginary money, giving some of it to the corona-ravaged ranks of pensioners to spend is not a bad idea.
“Given the number of pensioners who have been wiped out by the Chinese plague, a 20% rise for the ones left probably won't cost any more than the bill would have been without the Chinese plague.” Morbid Funk
The haircut & beauty industry doesn't want customers to bring coats & jackets into salons. So where are they supposed to leave them?
Great Xcuse for losing 5-0 at home to Man. City. The Burnley team were upset by a plane flying a white lives matter banner over their ground.
“City obviously weren't.” Cassidy Malpassidy
It's inevitable. The Doombuggers are doing their best to talk up China's warmongering in the Himalayas into a global nuclear war. Do they all have tickets to Mr. Musk's colony on Mars?
What do they have on the US TV sports channels? 12-year-old reshows of things like the WW Royal Rumble from 2008. You'd need to be really keen to pay for that.
Hand held out but stays empty
Every special interest group is claiming that it has been blighted by the Chinese plague and deserves a bigger handout from the taxpayer. Like that can happen with the country in a Brown Hole of debt megazillions deep.
The Xperts have concluded that social spacing of 5 metres would be safer than the current 2 metres or, in the case of Sir Kreepy Steamer, 110 metres.
If you're really cute, you claim a hangover is an attack of the Chinese plague and take a fortnight off to recover.
The average Russian citizen would be 72% better off if he/she didn't have to fork out the cash creamed off by the ruling kleptocracy and all the Red Gold paid to fellow travellers abroad to encourage them to make trouble and making things within the Putinocratic Evil Empire look slightly less appalling in comparison.
Large gatherings of people are banned except for the ones to which the police will turn a blind eye? A lot of Red Gold goes a long way.
“These attacks on statues like that of Sir W. Churchill are nothing to do with promoting good relations with minorities and everything to do with the Red Gold agenda of division.” Yafadas Mustash
Just time-consuming, nothing else
Case studies vs statistics as a way for politicians or reporters to make their case to a TV audience. Most people find sadistics boring and/or irrelevant, and as for the story told by Mrs. X of Burbsville as her personal experienceit might be interesting if brief, but it is never particularly applicable to most people.
See the above headline
Pardons and apologies for the 2,500 women who were executed in Scotland as suspected witches centuries ago? Problem 1: pardons will be worthless to the women as they are all dead. Problem 2: apologies cannot be made to any of the women as they are all dead.
Which reduces the exercise to plugs for the authors of books and the makers of films on the subject, and people with a modern witchcraft cult to promote.
Someone has let Greenhouse Grotter out of her locko box to complain that the world is beyond the gorbal warming tipping point. Which means that we're all doomed but the good news is that we don't need to hear any more from Grotter about how everyone else in the world has ruined her life. Hooray!
“You need a mobile phone to register yourself before you can get a drink in a pub? And, presumably, a passport and a driving licence to confirm your identity for track 'n' trace? Not really worth the effort.” R.W.
Almighty Buck or All Backs Scratched
In the United States, it is perfectly okay, the judiciary reckons, to publish what is presented as a volume of memoirs but which contains classified information that exposed the US to harm from its many enemies. Why? Because letting the book be published creates opportunities for the legal trade to hoover up cash when the author finds himself in court facing civil or criminal charges.
“Studying history is going to be a real doddle if everyone who achieved anything is censored out of Xistence and replaced by a handful of nobodies, who didn't upset Those People because they achieved about the square root of bugger all during a very quiet life.” Dai Laffin
“Ideal for someone with a 10-second attention span!” Schedd Meigastr
Definitions for TodayStakeholder: Some money person who's prepared to drive the stake they're holding into the heart of you, your business or your sport to turn a profit.
The Met Office issued a hottest day health alert yesterday based on a temperature of 32.6 deg.C. How was that confected? By putting the thermometer at the heart of all that heat-gathering concrete and tarmac that is Heathrow airport.
And that was the best they could do?
The boffins at Romiley Weather Centre had no trouble at all with confecting the above thermometer reading of over 50 deg.C @ 11 a.m. this morning. Good job they're not running the not-so-great global warming fraud or everyone would be a believer!
His dong was exceedingly long? Maybe that's how a drug smuggler ended up busted @ Brussels airport after he failed a drug test and was taken to a hospital for further examination. The artificial organ was found to contain a stash of coke and its owner is going to gaol.
President Boris unveils his new Cooperman act
“Fuelled by Red Gold, the rabble demand every form of diversity Xcept diversity of opinion, knowing that politicians prefer mindless appeasement to the labour of defending democracy.” F.I.
“Those People are creating a new form of apartheid. Who's going to want to have anything to do with them or their clients?” L.C.
“Do we really want a bunch of narcissists and HUTAgonians telling us what history can and cannot be?” T.R.
“It's amazing how much outrage daring to point out that white lives also matter can create. It's more or less the cause that dare not speak its name.” O.D.
“Has Louie Samilton returned all the millions he got from Mercedes, a firm which used slave labour (under a different management in a different political climate) during World War II?” B.E.
“Maybe if Louie actually lived here and paid his whack of taxes, we might take a bit more notice of him.” A.S.D.
The number of deaths in England is reported to be about average for the time of year despite the Chinese plague.
It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it
The rich are better than the poor at coping with the plague era, the Xperts reckon. Which is as it should be. There's no point in making the effort to become rich if there are no perks to go with it.
An Xpert wants the elderly to wear a lapel badge or ribbon when they dare to venture out of their homes to warn others to stay away from them during the Chinese plague emergency.
“Wot about people who don't have lapels coz they're wearing an anorak? Are they Xcused?” R.W.
“Wot colour won't upset some special interest group? And where do the badges/ribbons come from?” S.M.
The deadline for everyone to have an unsmart meter has been amended. Was 2020, currently 2024, will be 2025 until the next tweak. The Chinese plague is the alibi for the latest shift of the goalposts.
Just brain-dead bloody waxworks
The Environment Agency is well aware that much of Britain's rainfall is allowed to run off into the sea instead of being stored in reservoirs. Yet its solution to an expected water shortage this summer is to urge the customers to use less rather than demanding more reservoirs and an efficient distribution network.
When the fun stops, stop?
More like: When the cash runs out, drop dead!
Asbestos they can manage
Newspapers have become very coy about their sales in the internet era, preferring to offer percentages rather than actual numbers. The Daily Mail has revealed that its average Monday to Saturday daily sale is 950,000probably thanks to a huge boost from the Saturday edition with its excellent TV guide to the following week. Not bad, but a long way from the millions and millions sold every day in the glory daze.
The German government wasn't afraid to impose a district repeat lockdown in the area around a meat factory, which had become the centre of a localized CoCO19 outbreak.
A couple of hot days in a row are nothing much to get excited aboutunless you're a professional doom-monger. And things will be back to normal at the weekend.
The police in Columbus, Ohio, have an interesting tactic for dealing with vexatious protesters who have artificial legsremove the legs and stroll off with them!
It's looking very dull out of the window; or it was when this was written; and there has been some rain, but the heat wave ain't quite history yet.
Just how dim do they think we are?
Despite their trouncing by Romiley Weather Centre yesterday, the Warmists are still working very hard to get their thermometers @ the centre of the biggest areas of tarmac available in their area in an attempt to confect a hottest June day ever this week.
[That's 'ever' in the sense of 'since records began', which is nothing in 'history of the planet' terms. Ed.]
Q: How do you know it's a hot day, even if your work-room thermometer goes no higher than 28 deg.C?
A: You keep having to go and rinse your hands because your fingers keep sticking to the keyboard and the mouse & its mat.
In the USA, they don't have the Chinese plague. It's Kung Flu there.
Safe-spacing spies will be lurking around beer gardens and other outdoor eateries and drinkeries when they reopen on Super Saturday July 4th, hoping to slap fines on people who get too close together.
Outdoor eateries near roads are being advised to have plenty of bollards in place to protect customers from vehicular attacks by Islamist terrorists.
30 London cops damaged by partying hooligans in Brixton, only 4 arrests. You'd have to be Dickhead of Dock Green to think that's A-okay. Get off yer knees, Cressie.
Xperts in the US are well on the way towards testing a couple of vaccines for the Chinese plague. Great news for cats and other pets. No applicable to humans.
Q: You're in hospital with the Chinese plague in northern India and on a ventilator. What's the last thing you want your relatives to do?
A: Kill you by unplugging the ventilator to use the power point for an air cooler.
The mayor of Seattle, USA, has found out the hard way that leaving police-free zones in the city just encourages her customers to take the piss by shooting one another.
“The French are talking up a no-deal Brexit for their own neunfarious ends, such as acquiring unlimited access to our fishing waters to hoover up everything there. Just say 'Non!' should be our attitude to their negotions.” W.C.
Is the 'uman race deselecting itself? This is an obvious conclusion from the Xperts' finding that the diabetes gene is flourishing in children.
Luxuriating in victimhood is to be made a criminal offence.
“Am I allowed to feel like a victim because I didn't have a troubled childhood and I don't have a troubled background to go on about?” R.W.
The clothing trade is Xpecting a HUGE boost in sales now that it can reopen from all the people who piled on the pounds during locko and became HUGE enuff to need a complete new wardrobe.
“Does it matter that the Tory poll lead over Sir Kreepy's Labour lot is just 4% if there ain't going to be a general election anytime soon?” E.M.
Big surprise that J. Rowling's publisher has told its snoflakes to stop posturing and get back to work because the firm believes in free speech if it's not included in one of their books.
The fashionable thing for the female snoflake now is to be racked with guilt over something they must have done in their past life but they can't work out what it can be.
Honesty not guaranteed
Does the UK have the worst rate of deaths from the Chinese plague in Europe? Or are some doctors giving the virus a name check on a death certificate for political reasons, as at least some of the Xperts reckon?
It's not as if the medical trade has no record at all of playing politics with the numbers; such as by comparing like with unlike; for its own sordid ends. The people at the sharp end might be doing a grand job but the same cannot be said for some of the blunter ones.
Sense is for other people. That's the conclusion from the millions of beach invaders when the sun came out. Still, a spot of rain should dampen the hot-heads nicely.
Gangs of Romanian thieves sneaking in to the UK with evil intent are getting severe competition for the best targets from bad guys from Chile.
You really have a bad case of Locko Fever if you're reduced to making cakes that look like pan scourers with a green plastic top and a yellow sponge base. Or knitting donuts.
The national debt has exceeded GDP for the first time since 1963, which is making a post-Brexit Tory exit strategy for 2021 look exceedingly attractive. The idea which is gaining the most support is for President Boris and Co. to retire from politics en masse and leave Sir Kreepy and the SNP to show us what they're made of!
Teaching history in schools is to be revamped with greater emphasis placed on Britain's role in civilizing the rest of the world in the fourth quarter of the last millennium. That's the rest of the world beyond Europe and Russia, which were both deemed to be beyond hope back then.
Sky TV is going to slap disclaimers of the sort that no one ever pays attention to on all of the films it shows in a vain attempt to score virtue points.
“It all depends what you see on your TV. Personally, I interpret it as some effin scrounger with his hand out wanting a free ride at my Xpense, which is why I press the 'No Way' button.” G.E.
“Good point by Little John of the Mail150,000 members of the BLAME gestapo on the streets, 68 million normal people at home and not engaged.” P.Y.
Who'da thunk episodes of the ancient BBC Radio four comedy show The Burkiss Way would be waggling snoflake woojas if repeated now. It was just a bunch of smart alecs being smart and plain daft.
But hey, just about anything can be claimed to cause offence and hysteria if the eejit who wants to be offended tries hard enuff.
“I've heard most of the episodes and I agree that it's full of smart-arse stuff and v. funny. But humour is getting very political and unfunny these days with all the virtue signallers getting too much of a look in. Especially if anything that was actually funny is banned, leaving no basis for comparison. As J. Cleese remarked elsewhere, wasn't there once a prog about some bloke called Monty Python?” N.R.
All you need is a plan
The London Marathon is still on @ the beginning of October, Chinese plague permitting. The organizers are hoping that the professional runners won't have to wear a fender the size of a hula hoop to ensure safe spacing.
Amateurs will be encouraged to wear masks or even a full body garment, such as a diving suit or biological isolation gear, as their ranks will be more closely packed.
If terrorists claim returning them to their source violates their 'uman bluddy rights by putting them at risk from psychos back home, there is an answer. Dump them @ the airport nearest to the capital of their origin and dump the safe-keeping problem on the government of their country.
Bets are being laid on when astronomers will be banned from using the term red, white or brown dwarf star by some PC pillock with imagined authority.
How can there possibly be a shortage of medical oxygen when it's a major component of the atmosphere? [A mere 21%. Ed.]
The murder of 3 people in a park in Reading by a crazy Libyan migrant is being used as ammunition for arming the police here.
Go to a locko rave in Greater Manchester and you're liable to be shot to bitz by gang bangers.
The bean-counters reckon that 25% of the population have enjoyed a picnic during locko. But as the fare on offer tends to be vegepies, hummus and slushi if it's fashionable, rather than real grub, 'enjoyed' is probably the wrong description.
Estate agents are encouraged by the prospect in an upturn in income due to a migration away from cities as people look for less populated areas and somewhere safer in case there's another pandemic.
Tony B. Liar is worried about a cold war with China, source of the current pandemicand possible damage to his income?
They shall be rewarded accordingly . . .
Whitehall's civil service & science Blobsimilar to The Blob that gets in the way of delivering a decent standard of educationis to blame for the government's CoCO19 failures and a general purge of their ranks is on the way when things return to something resembling normality.
The government is to keep a beady eye on service industries to watch out for price-gouging when they are allowed to reopen. Whether anything will actually done about it is another matter.
Gulp! There could be aliens living in the ice-covered ocean on Jupiter's moon Europa. The good news is that they are unlikely to invade us. After all, why would they want to go to a planet that's too hot for them and infested with a lethal plague?
“A racialist, I was amused to read the other day, is someone who has no experience of life as a member of a white race and complains constantly because of it.” S.B.
Is gargling with salt water the answer to the Chinese plague? Some Xperts reckon salt is toxic to viruses.
“Watch out! Some gloopy clinic will be offering customers a chance to be saved from the plague by having their lungs rinsed out with purified seawaterone at a time, of coursebefore very long.” R.W.
Vlad the Putin is revving his customers up to pretend they're getting a vote on keeping him in power until he croaks when it is already a done-behind-the-scenes deal.
Six people stabbed in a Glasgow hotel packed with asylum seekersincluding a copper. The perp shot dead on the spot by armed police. But Police Scotland can't confect a terror incident out of it? Obviously not trying.
President Trump is up for moving his European NATO contingent from Germany to Poland because the Germans are not paying their NATO membership fee.
Q: How much point is there to going mad with rage because you find it too hot to sleep?
A: None at all.
“We're hearing rather a lot about reforming the police in the US but not very much about what the customers are putting on offer. Like a guarantee that they'll obey the law and they won't consider themselves entitled not to be arrested, no matter how much funny money they try to put into circulation or how intoxicated they get.” J.H.
Only 50% of the population reckon they have put on a few pounds due to Xtra biscuits and chocko during locko. The rest are so HUGE that a few more pounds don't show.
“Maybe we can start a campaign to get the Romiley gastropub renamed the Fish Finger and Face Mask in time for Super Saturday July 4th.” R.W.
Is anybody surprised that an Xpert is claiming that the government hasn't chosen the best antibody test for the Chinese plague because that Xpert didn't get to make the choice?
Surprise! Flying a banner behind a plane proclaiming that white lives matter on the day after 3 white people were murdered in Reading is not yet a criminal offence. But don't hold your breath.
“Three times the tragedy of the Floyd demise but zero as the international impact. That sez it all.” H.P.
“Is G. Floyd's death some sort of world tragedy? Not if he was the architect of his own downfall.” L.R.
Good News: Being allergic to cats could spare you a severe dose of the Chinese plague.
Bad News: If you're not allergic to cats, you're doomed.
Ain't it great when you have a Bonk of England? The country has gone bust and run out of pocket money, so the BoE prints a vast amount of funny money so that the government can pretend that everything is okay.
“Here on Earth, we have the expression 'flim-flam'. This isn't even flim.” O.W.
Despite locko, we still have to put up with crap like this . . .
Subject: Investment Proposal
From: Nael M. Al Homoud <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Reply To: email@example.com
Date: 28/06/2020 08:38
My associate from China wants to discuss a business investment deal
with you. I awaiting your response to enable us discuss about this
Nael M. Al Homoud
Executive Director & High Investment Committee Member@
The Arab Investment Co
Heat wave over, it's back to rain and weather we understand.
Anyone daring enuff to open a drive-in cinema could make a few bob under safe-spacing rules. One small problem, though. No new films are being made ’coz of the Chinese plague and existing films are being banned in increasing numbers as some new gang of pisant whingers claims they're an affront to 'uman bluddy dignity.
Even worse, when film production resumes, the products are likely to be so PC and bloody boring that not even the most dedicated luvvie will want to watch them.
Under 50s are more likely to die from an accident or injury than the Chinese plague and under 40s are more likely to die in a traffic accident. As for under 25s, flu and pneumonia are more deadly.
“Will there be enuff beer to go around on Super Saturday if brewers haven't had the 3-week heads-up to restart brewing, which they were demanding?” K.N.
The legal trade is trying to persuade the government to abolish jury trials for a lot of offences so that they can make an absolute MINT out of appeals on spurious 'uman bluddy rights grounds if a customer is sent down by just a judge sitting with a couple of safely spaced magistrates.
Weddings are back on and the good news for the father of the bride is that they will have to be small and quite cheap.
According to an Ofcom boss bloke, the Chinese plague has made a radical change to the way we live, work and communicate. Is that a surprise? Nope. It's an expression of the bleedin' obvious. What would have been a surprise is if everything had remained unchanged.
A wiseguy has come up with a solution to the problem of distributing, using and collecting cutlery @ eateries during the plague period. Make everything finger-food. Chips in a basket, anyone? With optional fish fungus?
“Sounds infinitely superior to a few scraps and puddles on a daft substitute for a plate @ a fancy price.” H.K.
Not a bit like us
Americans are beyond weird if they think that 'British Tea' is half a mug of water boiled in a microwave, to which half a mug of cold milk is added THEN a teabag. And sugar if desired. No bloody way is that anything like real tea.
“Americans are beyond perverse if they think the Boston Tea Party was anything other than tea smugglers chucking unsmuggled tea into the harbour because the tax on tea was about to be REDUCED to the detriment of their profits and they wanted to create an artificial shortage.” K.E.
“Mega-perverse, if that was the best excuse they could come up with for starting their first civil war.” G.J.
Newspapers are the only thing holding the line against the fake news distributed by Gooble and the auntiesocial meeja companies, Ofcom reckons.
“What's the country's biggest problem right now? Too many effin whingers going on about some effin loada crap which has absolutely no effin relevance to the real world. Apart from that, everything in chunky rory.” S.C.
[And apart from the Chinese plague. Ed.]
50% of Britain's imported CoCO19 cases came from Pakistan. Ta, for that.
A head teacher being suspended after daring to notice that some of her staff were behaving like petulant kids and just sitting around doing nothing during locko? Welcome to Corbynstein Britain.
Scotland's Labour shadow to the job of Chancellor there has been reduced to offering Gordon F. Broon, architect of the Brown Slump of the Noughties, as a paragon of fiscal virtue. The rest of the country is divided on whether she has blown a fuse or she was just taking the piss.
The management and staff of Liverpool FC have only themselves to blame for their fans going wild in celebration at the first League title since 1990, drowning the city in litter and setting fire to the iconic Liver Building. If the team managed to win a little more often, a league title wouldn't be such a 'once in a generation' wonder.
Residents of tower blocks in London, like the one where there was a panic in Kennington at the end of last week, need to be told that the buildings are quite safe as long as the inmates refrain from setting fire to them.
At last, something good
The Boris Voyager looks very swish after the RAF refuelling jet got a make-over of just its tail rather than the whole fuselage to fly the flag on political flag-flying visits abroad by (prime) ministers and other official junketeers.
Are doctors getting better at treating the Chinese plague if death rates are now 25% of what they were mid-March? No, it's just that the easiest to kill people are no longer with us and the virus is having to contend with tougher customers.
There are now 17,000,001 bits of stuff floating around in Earth orbit after American astronaut C. Cassidy
lost a small mirror from his suit during a space jaunt outside the ISS.
“No surprise that Louie Samilton has confirmed the accuracy of B. Ecclestone's comment about his sense of entitlement with an entitled rant.” E.J.
“The experience of someone else is worthless because it's not experience Xperienced by him? It's just the characteristic arrogance of the self-obsessed.” L.P.
“What we need is more people speaking their minds, like B. Ecclestone, including their wind-ups, and a lot less knee-jerking by the HUTAgonians now running Formula 1.” M.F.
+ + + IRA outraged by Xclusion from Irish government coalition of everyone else + + + Promises trubble and lots of it + + +
The owners of still closed indoor gyms are v. upset with the government, which they are accusing of playing fast and loose with the health of the nation. Translationthe government is trifling with the financial health of their businesses.
Theatre owners and actors are making the same complaint.
“Both are ignoring their personal fatal flaw. The government needs people to spend money so that the government can tax it. If people don't go to a gym or a theatre, they will spend their dosh on something else and the government will rake in its cut just the same from the diverted Xpenditure.” R.W.
A police officer taking a selfie with a dead body should be grounds for instant dismissal with no prospect of appeal. That it happens at all is the direct responsibility of the failed leadership of police forces everywhere.
Pretending that Britain's carbon dioxide output is zero by 2050 (after some crafty fiddle of the figures) will achieve absolutely nothing useful for the nation. Which is why the Westminster Wonders are going ahead with the scam.
Product of the WeekDdactyl Candle: Smells like Gwynedd Paltroon's feet after a lengthy route marchan IDEAL Halloween gift.
“Gift. Isn't that German for poison?” J.E.
Initials Update: EET = Eternally Enraged Tendency. NTI = Not That Impressive.
Next Week's Topic: The Imaginot Line and its failure.
Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.
|Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression|
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, June MM20 like anyone cares