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 2019/December 
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zombie humbugThere is still no F in Brexit thanks to the Westminster Wonders
—but Prime Monster Boris is doing his best to ram it up the humbuggers!

 Remain Is Slain—Official! 
reader comment“Bremoan is . . . sloane?” Anon.

 WEEK 1 

 
Lord Farage of Brexit if Nigel does the decent thing?
Lord Farage of the Garage?

Stockport Art Guild Retrospective Exhibition

Wee Burney does Scruffier For Scotland


“Tell ’em anything, it might just work.”


Pointless pillocracy
Farmers in Scotland are being ordered to recruit more women and ethnic minority staff so that Wee Burney and their trade union's leaders can pretend they're filling some arbitrary diversity quota.

Rejoice!
Blaque Friday sales are due to continue until Xmas Eve. After a day off, they will resume on Boxo Day as a substitute for the usual January sales and continue to the end of that month.

cross symbol Oh, dear! O.J. is being un-personned by Labour election candidates. Lotz of them don't include the once obligatory photo of the party leader with the hopeful stooge and lotz don't even mention O.J.

Health at a price
Beers which are doubly fermented are wonderfully healthy for human beans because of the bacteria they contain. These Good Bugs slaughter Bad Bugs in the human digestive tract with a will. The only snag is that the price of 2F beers is liable to kill the human bean's wallet stone dead.

Hover, hover, hover
Customers who have to take a trip to the A&E department of our local hospital; Stepping Hill in Stockport; are advised to take a good, thick paperback and a couple of packed lunches as they may have to wait in a parking zone for 17 hours before being seen to.

bullet The African state of Djibouti is claiming a world record for getting the most rainfall in a single day with a claim for two years' worth!

reader comment“If O.J. Corbynski has 3 million quid, he can afford to keep his central heating on all day, every day. So if he says it's switched off, it's because he's away from home and getting free warmth @ someone else's expense. Or the bastard is lying and trying to play the victim card like a typical dishonest bloody politician.” K.L.

reader comment“Is Prince Andrew's current image crisis supposed to be some sort of substitute or compensation for the Establishment's Jimmy Savile blind eye?” S.D.

Far Queue symbol SKY News has lost it big-time if it thinks having Bollocks to Berko on its election night news programme will impress anyone.

Bloody people, eh!
One minute, primary schools are in crisis because there are too many kids and class sizes swell above some arbitrary magic number. The next thing you know, the birth rate goes down and primary schools can't find enough customers to justify their staff numbers.
    And the thing after that will be a teacher shortage in secondary schools when the current population bulge moves on to them and no one will have thought to retrain redundant primary school teachers to cope with it.

Good story
Chinese astronomers reckon they have found a black hole, which is 70x the size of our Sun and big enuff to swallow all of Labour's election lies @ a single gulp.
    Theory sez that black holes of that size cannot exist and spoilsports are suggesting it's two black holes orbiting each other and creating an illusion of a much larger single body.

Enormous disappointment
The Secretary of the Untied Nations, General A. Guterres, has issued a warning that the wheels are about to come off the Not-So-Great Global Warming Fraud. The Planet is on the point of reaching an imaginary point-of-no return, and when that happens, the fraudsters will have nowhere left to go.

tick symbol Aussie submarine biologists are trying to repair their Great Barrier Reef by playing sound recordings made in healthy areas @ dead areas, hoping to confuse fish into visiting the corpse zones and getting things going again there.

reader comment“Anyone questioning the judgement of whoever it was who let the terrorist lifer out of prison to run riot and kill people in London? No? Thought not.” D.B.
[Apparently, a change to the law made by the last Labour government let the guy out automatically without reference to the Parole Board. The Tories are saying that reversing a law like that is pretty well impossible, given the level of resistance and obstructionism from the usual suspects. Ed.]

Security to the maxx
An actor bloke is playing the race card after being refused entry to a London blues bar called Ain't Nothing' But. The pub sez it was because he didn't have proper identification! A passport or a photo driving licence to get a pint of beer? Wot next!

Ice Bowl Veterans in action
A snow match in New Jersey? No worries for the Packers. A bomb by Rodgers set up a TD for Adams in the 7th minute. Then the snow descended. The Giants got level after 12 minutes with an end zone pass to Shepherd. The Pack came back with a TD for Lazard with a minute left, 14-7.
    A pick by King stopped the Giants in the first minute of Q2. The Pack got a FG out of the turnover, 17-7. A FG at the end of Q2 made it 17-10 at half time. A 43 yard pass to Latimer in Q3 was followed by a GB sack on Jones. FG to follow, 17-13. The Packers were up close at the end of Q3 and Adams took another TD pass in Q4, 24-13.
    A pick by Savage put GB on the road to a TD for Lewis in 9th minute of Q4. 31-13 was a nice, symmetrical score to finish on.

Seasonal sneakiness
Is it really happening that alpha Xmassers are buying bigger trees with more lights to impress people who visit their webspots? Or are they just cynically adding images of themselves to virtual trees sourced on the interweb?
reader comment“Maybe we should have a referendum on it to decide.” R.W.

More sneakiness
The Labour party's agenda for the election, it seems, isn't to win a majority in Parliament. It's to push out Bliarites and the odd decent Labourite and replace them with Corbidiot MPs to put an end to in-fighting in the party by making it Momentum only.

Far Queue symbol It would be news only if O.J. said he wanted terrorists to be kept IN gaol.
reader comment“The only way to rehabilitate jihadis is to apply the Chinese Solution. It never fails. But good luck with getting O.J. on side for that.” A.C.

Those whom the Ghods would destroy, they first inflict T.B.L. upon
cross symbol "A great example of what progressive politicians could do in power", Tony B. Liar said of the outgoing Maltese PM, who is giving himself the boot as his party's leader over a web of corruption of his associates and the murder of a journalist who dared to investigate them. How very New Labour.

tick symbol Oldies with cash need to splurge it, the Xperts reckon. Doing so will boost the economy and make their heirs richer. It will also relieve the oldies of the worry that those heirs might squabble over their inheritance if there isn't going to be one.

bullet Whales are establishing their equivalent of the elephants' graveyard @ the mouth of the river Thames. The Xperts are still trying to come up with a story to cover it, but we can be sure that it will involve man-made gorbal warming.

cross symbol The current generation of GPs and trainees lacks the fortitude to put in a 5-day week, the head of their trade union has concluded. Three days max is as much as they can handle—for five days' pay, natch.

Doleful Travesty
Last month, we gave 0/10 to the BBC for imagination over messing about with H.G. Wells' The War of the Worlds. No surprise, then, that the show was slated by the reviewers when it turned out to be the Beeb's boo-hoo buggers in apology on steroids mode for Britain's allegedly terrible past.
reader comment“Don't you just wish the boo-hoo buggers would spend their time getting a life instead of trying to control-freak normal people with their twisted version of history?” G.J.

On a local note
According to the through-the-door propaganda, we have a clear choice in our constituency (Hazel Grove) between more lies and chaos with Johnson's Conservatives and different lies and fantasies for the future with Lisa Smart's Lib-Dems.
reader comment“I thought the Liberal party's leader was some woman called Swinson not this Smart.” G.R.
reader comment“And our Tory candidate is a bloke called Wragg, who got in last time, not Boris.” H.S.
reader comment“As it was a nice day, I was able to do The Planet a favour by returning the carbon content of the Liberal propaganda leaflet to The Universe for the nourishment of evergreens via a garden bonfire.” A.M.

Shock-horror not up to snuff
The Labour party's Fake News Unit is so inept that it is having to contract out most of the work to the Russians. O.J.'s recent shock-horror about the NHS being sold off to the Yanks is a typical example. [Silly story as they'd never buy such a shambles. Ed.]
reader comment“No surprise that O.J. wishes NATO didn't exist. It's all that's protecting us from a permanent puppet Labour government imposed by the Russkies to reduce us to a peasant economy and no threat to the New Soviet Kleptocracy.” S.M.
update The wheels have come off Labour's Big Lie. President Trump, on his visit to England for the NATO summit, grotted all over the idea of the US taking over the NHS.
reader comment“Won't make any difference, though. Asking people to accept the incredible is what religions and cults thrive on. And Labour is now a Corbynny cult.” W.T.

Believe this, Comrades—if you know what’s good for you
The Putinocracy is to set up a rival to Wikipedia, which V. Putin thinks is unreliable and should be replaced. Some £21 million will be extracted from the pockets of those Russians who don't have the connections to avoid paying tax to fund this extension of the Russian Fake News Bureau.

cross symbol Life expectancy of children born now is dropping rather than increasing or remaining static. The austerity caused by New Labour's profligacy, resistance to having children vaccinated and once eliminated diseases returning, gorbal warming and failures of medical technology (but not the people using it, oh, no!) are all getting a share of the blame.

bullet The Xperts are warning regular visitors to coffee shops that they will end up fat and with no teeth thanks to the amount of sugar poured into fancy drinks, vegan oaties, etc.

bulletQ: Is there a best place to get away with throwing your 30 lb baby at a copper and inflicting a severe injury?
bulletA: Try Hull. You won't end up in gaol for causing grievous bo didley harm.

Far Queue symbol Labour's election promises include an investigation of right-wing Xtremists; which is a typical distraction tactic. After all, where did the archetypal Socialist bad guys, the Narzis, get all their best ideas from if not from what a bloke called Stalin and his commie buddies were actually doing in Russia when Uncle Adolf and his pals came to power in Germany?

Far Queue symbol Former London looney left big-wig in the bad old daze, K. Livingstone, has been reduced to causing trouble on the London Underground to get himself noticed.

Far Queue symbol What's the latest move by the 'uman bluddy rights industry? A ban on hairy schoolkids being required to shave.

An automatic fix for gorbal warming
The latest survey of the nation's health by the NHS paints a grim picture of young people who are fat, heavy drinkers, afflicted with chronic diseases and flat bloke because they give all their money to on-line gambling firms. Hurry on Xtinction!

tick symbol O.J. Corbynski has swept the Labour party's anti-Semitism under the carpet, so there is no need to mention it ever again. Okay?

Far Queue symbol Everybody knows that Corbynski doesn't watch the Queen's Xmas message; he's a serial anti-Royalist. But there's an election campaign on and he think that gives him a licence to lie about anything that crops up. Rum bugger.
reader comment“There's nothing more likely to cheer up the inmates of a homeless shelter than Corbski glowering at them on Xmas morning!” J.E.

Good News/Bad News
Xmas is to be abolished on inclusivity grounds. It seems that a survey has discovered that 23% of the population are not bothered about it, 17% don't want it, 38% think buying presents will damage their wealth and 14.72% can't afford it.
    Preparations are now too far advanced to cancel this year's Xmas, which began back in July, but for next year and subsequent years—forget it!
reader comment“No great surprise here. In the eyes of the boo-hoo buggers, a white Xmas has overtones of white supremacy, which is as anti-diversity as you can get. ” K.K.
reader comment“But what will the bah-humbug mob grump about if there's no Xmas?” R.W.
[They'll think of something. Ed.]
reader comment“This will certainly make life difficult for publicity-seeking headmasters, who try to get themselves noticed by banning Xmas cards.” O.N.

pound symbol Labour's spending plans mean that the state pension age will have to be raised to 81 by 2022 as the state pension will become unaffordable otherwise.

Far Queue symbol Poor old J. Fonda. She used to be a film star back in the 1960s. Now, she's just a sad, dotty old attention-seeker.

The last decade will be the warmest on record!!!
Hang on. When did these records start?
    1850.
    So not all that long ago? And not all that long after we were in the grip of a mini Ice Age and there were frost fairs on the river Thames?
    Such statements are unhelpful.
    To whom? Gorbal warming fraudsters?

cross symbol Greenhouse Greta's idea of a zero carbon emissions trip across the Atlantic doesn't include the carbon emissions from flying crew members across to the US side of the pond to get her back to the Europeon side.
reader comment“Maybe she failed her maths O-Level and doesn't know any better.” A.V.

Far Queue symbol The 'plant a tree' tendency has declared war on grey squirrels, which ring-bark trees and kill them. The solution on offer is to shoot them along with pigeons and put them on the menu as extras in road-kill restaurants.

Far Queue symbol Bollocks to Berko is such a joke . . . that Channel 4 is letting him do a queen's message to the nation at Xmas. What's on elsewhere?
reader comment“No doubt Corbynski will claim he watched Berko's turn with one eye and the real Queen's message with the other.” R.W.

bullet 60% of people who buy stuff on the interweb, instead of going to shops in person, have an unfortunate delivery experience.

bullet Does it really matter that Boris's strategy guy has been voted the world's worst dressed bloke by some fashion mag? His job isn't to be a clothes hoss, after all. He's just there to nark O.J. and his chums.

bullet If you want to do on-line grooming, head for FakeBuk after it starts encrypting all of its traffic to Xclude prying eyes.

Far Queue symbol If Lord Forkbender, whose only claim to fame is that he was once T.B. Liar's flatmate, is the best the Labour party can do in the way of a grandee, it is in serious trouble. Grand, he ain't!
reader comment“Labour to become the first party to have an aardvark as its leader because no other party has had one before? It makes as much sense as having a female leader only because other parties have had one.” E.N.
reader comment“How can the Tories have stolen the miners' pension fund when the present chairman of the Labour party copped for most of it?” P.M.

bullet The Xmas tree delivered to Trafalgar Square by the Norwegian government as a 'thank you' for saving them from the Narzis and Commies during World War II is rather runty this year. Gorbal warming is getting the blame, natch.

zombieFar Queue symbol If you had any doubts about the sanity of the ecopests and Xtinctionists, stop wondering. One of them glued himself to the front of Liberal Zombie Jo's battle bus. Which is electric. This lot deserve to go Xtinct.

Far Queue symbol According to surveys, Zombie Jo is a whinger, not someone who can be taken seriously and she doesn't have the political experience to be prime monster. And she's intolerant.
    Apart from all that, she makes a great party leader for a gang as small and insignificant as the Liberals.

Ditch and Replace
If even the students have noticed that freedom of expression is no longer allowed @ universities, they (the unis) have clearly gone beyond an imaginary tipping point and there is no hope for them. The present strain of university will have to be abolished and replaced by something less flaky.

Far Queue symbol Putin the Poisoner has changed his ways. Enemies in Germany are shot to pieces in a public place, eliminating collateral damage from indirect methods of murder like poison. Just two diplomatic spies were expelled in the fall-out from this outrage rather than hundreds. Win-win

bullet The 'plant a tree' tendency is hoping to create a Dutch elm disease-resistant variety to replace some of the millions of elms lost over the last 50 years.
bullet The ancient Romans loved their trees so much that the sourced their building timber from up to 1,000 miles away in places like Gaul to avoid attacking their local environment.

Definitions For Today
Russian Whispers—Fake News
Retro—We can't think of something new so we'll just reuse something most people will have forgotten and the Snoflakes won't have seen.

cross symbol A study of the behaviour of millennial Snoflakes has concluded that two-thirds of them are rude buggers, who think only of themselves and are not bothered if others find them gross and inconsiderate.

reader comment“What's different about this election? In the past, Labourites thought they had a licence to lie about anything that took their fancy. This time, they think they're under an obligation to lie about absolutely everything all day and every day.” C.M.X.

bullet Alarmists are predicting 16 feet of snow next Thursday, when we are supposed to be having a general election. O.J. has cast-iron, copper-bottomed documentary proof of a conspiracy between the Tories and Weather Control to keep Labour voters at home.

bullet Labour is planning to turn the UK into the world's most open dimocracy by Xtending voting rights to anyone who turns up at a polling booth. Checks on identity, country & place of residence, age and the number of previous votes cast on that day will be made unlawful.

reader comment“I suppose it's too much to expect the stooges working for the alleged news meeja to get that chlorine-washed chicken is not chlorinated. #TooThickToGetBasicChemistry” L.F.

tick symbol Thanks to gorbal warming, this year's flu season has started much earlier than usual. It could even be the earliest since records began if the books can be cooked enuff.

Bring a packed lunch
The queue at the confessional of RC churches will take longer to process in future as the Pope's personal think tank has created a whole catalogue of new imaginary sins against The Planet and The Mint for the customers to confess.**
[**That's the EnviroMint, for the benefit of anyone who hasn't been paying attention. Ed.]
reader comment“All they need is a penance tie-in with a plant-a-tree franchise and we won't be able to move for all the new saplings.” R.W.

bullet Airlines are attempting to create edible cups to do away with the washing up problem. Lids are proving something of a problem, which means that things could get rather messy in a turbulence zone, especially if the customer has been nibbling at the cup between sips of the drink.

reader comment“Is Greenhouse Greta in training to become a spin doctor for a woke loser out of the Trudeau box? She certainly seems to be heading in that direction.” T.D.
reader comment“Move over Scumass and that bloke who used to work for Tony B. Liar.” M.O.

 WEEK 2 

 
Another record shattered
Crystal Palace, our meeja correspondent, reports that the Xperts are claiming that this will be the most dishonest general election since records began. The fake news campaigns run by the Russians on behalf of the SNP and Labour are getting the credit, with the fake news story that the Tories are planning to sell the NHS to companies in the United States likely to take top honours.

bullet + + + Stolen golden bog artist flogs 2 bananas and 2 pieces of duct tape to 2 mugs for 2 x $120K + + + There are still lots of total mugs around in the art-buying world + + +

reader comment“Can anyone trust someone with a sense of entitlement as HUGE as that of the BBC stooge and pathologically(?) rude bugger Andrew Neil?” H.V.

bulletQ: What do you get when Channel 4 puts subtitles on a speech by B. Johnson?
bulletA: Cloth-eared libel and an avalanche of faux outrage from C4 until its ears are forcibly syringed and the bosses realize a grovelling apology is necessary.

bullet "I'm like Hitler. Some people just don't like me." Did O.J. really say that?
[clue: no. Ed.]

bullet + + + Small earthquake in Somerset + + + Richter 3.2 + + + Romiley not affected + + + Fracking in Lancashire blamed + + +

reader comment“One good thing about the election is that it has pushed Prince Hairy, Princess Mhegan and that annoying woman whose name escapes me to one side.” T.B.

cross symbol The Big Banks are planning to do a Wonga on customers whose account strays into the red by imposing interest rates which will hit 40% for the unluckiest suckers. No danger of any regulator intervention, apparently.

reader comment“It's all very well for Boris to say we're going to try for a World Cup but does he have any idea what sort of a hit the taxpayer will take from the bribes needed to make it happen?” R.M.
reader comment“Who, right now, gives a rat's arse about a World Cup in 2030, Boris?” P.L.

A doom not to be escaped?
Commercial airlines punch tunnels in the upper atmosphere and let in dangerous levels of solar radiation, the Xperts have found. And EbloodyU countries are a major offender, as far as this source of gorbal warming is concerned. And air traffic goes UP, year no year, rather than down, which means that things can only get worse.

Another definition/explanation
TOOL—To Old Or Looney. [Think Corbynski. Ed.]

Another for the mugs
Supermarkets are now selling mince pies for dogs so that these essential pets don't feel left out @ Xmas. Sales are brisk to customers who are too thick to realize that dogs have no concept of Xmas.
bullet The pies have to be free of traditional mincemeat as its raisins and sultanas are toxic to canines.

bullet Pensioners in Scotland are being offered a 'progressive package' by the Burney Bunch and need, therefore, to brace themselves for another of the many swindles which follow deployment of the warning prefix 'pro'.
bullet Pensioners everywhere are finding their homes being turned into unpaid collection offices for parcels which unscrupulous delivery firms are unable to offload on a customer right away.

Wee Burney's legscross symbol Police Scotland is mired in scandal. The NHS there doesn't work. Neither does the education system. And transport is a disaster. Yet Wee Zombie Burney is still pretending that the SNP is fit to rule an independent Scotland minus subsidies from England and the EbloodyU. Has she no shame?
[clue: no. Ed.]
Far Queue symbol The pollsters say 50% of Scots think the NHS there got WORSE after Burney became FM, replacing the bloke who goes on trial on sex pest charges next month.

Far Queue symbol An endorsement for Burney from actor B. Cox is rather worthless when one remembers that it's his job to deliver fiction like be believes it, and he's had a successful career in the make-believe industry.

A view from a vested and panted interest
Organizations with a financial interest in the elderly are busy calculating how many people of pension age will spend the festering season alone. But they don't seem at all keen to ask how many of the oldies are not bothered about being alone and welcome the freedom to suit themself.

bullet The fries industry in the US and Canada is in crisis due to bad weather during the potato harvest season.
reader comment“Let them eat chips instead!” R.W.

Not exactly a busy day for the score-keeper in Green Bay
The Packers did all their work in the first quarter, scoring 2 touchdowns, one for Jones after 11 minutes and one for Tonyan with about half a minute left, 14-0. The only score in Q2 was a TD for the Redskins for Peterson in the 12th minute, no extra point, 6-14.
    The Redskins recovered a fumble after Rogers was mugged in the last minute of Q2 but gave the ball away with a pick. The sides exchanged FGs in Q3, 9-17. GB added a FG in Q4 and the Redskins got to within one score with a TD for McLaurin with just over a minute left, no +2, 15-20 final and 4-all in sacks.
    Meanwhile, in New Orleans, the 49ers sneaked past the Saints for a 48-46 win. That was a busy place for the scorer!

Was it wearing a suicide vest?
The BBC put up a suitably impressive Xmas tree @ its base in London. A week later, the tree was chopped into little bitz and hauled away in lotz of branch bagz. The official explanation/bollocks is that the tree had become a security risk during the election campaign.
    Exactly how this is possible has not been revealed. Possibly to spare the blushes of some over-paid and over-refreshed BBC executive with an over-active imagination.

“I didn’t leave the party, the party left me.”
Translation: 1. Tory—I tried to impose my Bremoaner views on the party and the bastards wouldn't buy them.
2. Labour—Those Corbynite bastards wouldn't pretend I'm important.

Wobbly wheels
Despite the billions of pounds blown on not very smart meters, just one-third of the recipients have cut down their energy consumption 'a bit'.
    One of the biggest lies told about these meters is the claim that they help to create a greener energy system. They don't. They just measure how much gas or electricity the customer uses no matter what the source; fossil fuels, nuclear or occasionals.

update One of the $120K bananas was eaten by another 'artist' whilst it was on show @ Miami Beach. No worries, though. The 'work of art' includes an ordinary banana, which the mug who bought it is expected to replace when it goes rotten. Thus the munched banana was simply replaced with a spare without damaging the non-existent artistic merit of the piece.
tick symbol Good news for the mug who bought the duct tape/banana combo for $120,000. British taxpayers have funded a coating for fruit and veg, which slows moisture loss and decay, and even has a veganist rating. Which means that the mug's staff might be able to get away with replacing the banana once a month instead of weekly.

bulletQ: What do you get if you are sent to gaol for being a jihadi terrorist?
bulletA: A bloody good chance of having a big chunk knocked off your sentence on appeal because British judges are soft on terrorists.

bulletQ: What do you get if you install hi-tech, all-singing, all-dancing, memory foam, temperature control mattresses on the beds in your hotel?
bulletA: Thieves nicking them in the night.

bulletQ: What, exactly, is 'hard sparkling water'?
bulletA: Alcopops in disguise.

bulletQ: What do you get if you go for a stroll in the crater of one of New Zealand's most active volcanoes?
bulletA: Killed.

reader comment“Boris to abolish the BBC licence fee so that A. Neil and other overblown luvvies get the sack? There's a vote-winner!” S.F.
reader comment“Especially if it puts the like of Gary bloody Lineker on the dole!” T.A.

For ‘standard’, read ‘worst’
The new operator of the west coast mainline railway service is planning to introduce a new travel class between 'first' and 'standard'. 'Standard', a.k.a. 'second class', will then become reduced back to the third class which it used to be up to 1956.

tick symbol Decriminalizing non-payment of the TV licence would reduce the workload on overcrowded magistrates' courts by around 10%.

Far Queue symbol Bets are being taken on how many of his life sentences the rampaging rapist and tree fugitive J. McCann will actually spend behind bars. All the smart money is going on none.

Padded Puff
The BBC is claiming world records for its viewing ratings from the 2012 Olympics. The opening and closing ceremonies each had an audience of over 24 million customers. But did anyone watch the stuff in between? We're not being told that.
update The BBC Xmas tree was hacked to bitz because it had only red baubles on it and the Beeb saw this as a dead giveaway of its looney left bias.

Like anyone cares . . .
Far Queue symbol If the Russian football team reaches the next finals of the World Cup, which Qatar bought for 2022, it will have to play as Putin United. The word 'Russia' may not be deployed because of serial state-sponsored doping and cover-ups.
    Similarly, Russian athletes will have to compete under a Putinstan flag @ the next Olympics for the same reason.

bullet The Arabs have taken over at the Met Office. We've just had a storm called Alkyida and we're bracing ourselves for a Binladen on polling day.
reader comment“After the Arabs have been deposed, let us hope that once Storm Greenhousegreta is out of the way, we get the suggestion from the blessed Little John—Hurricane Higgins.” M.F.

They'll always find a way to cheat the customer
The Gorbal Warming Fraudsters came up with a new wrinkle for Storm Alkyida. Instead of paying wind farms to switch off turbines to prevent them from producing more electricity than the network's demand, they were paying owners of electric vehicles to charge them up to distribute the excess power.

bullet Prince Andrew is now being positioned as the successor to the late, great, lamented Benny Hill.

cross symbol Gulp! The merchant shipping industry is about to be torpedoed for producing more carbon dioxide than China, India and the whole of America, north and south, together.

Far Queue symbol Fuk Jon Sno has been banned from appearing on Channel Four's election night programme in an attempt to bamboozle customers into thinking that the channel isn't biased toward the looney left.

cross symbol What the bloody hell is the point of fining Derbyshire council half a million quid for killing a care home patient through neglect? The people who pay council tax there will have to fill the hole and the waxworks running the council won't be fired. They/ll just continue on their merry way.

cross symbol Bamboo is to be reclassified as an offensive weapon due to its ability to spread underground to depths of down to 30 feet before moving sideways to cause structural damage to properties belonging to the neighbours of the owner of the offensive bamboo patch.

bullet There's a rumour going round that there's a general election going on today. Not that anyone in Romiley is at all that excited. No canvassers coming round to annoy us, no party leaders arriving on a battle bus to harangue and go, no nuffink, really.

bullet A win by the Corbidiots will put the pension age up to 69½ after his first 100 days! Crumbs!

Bad people can't help doing bad things
A bit more tarnish was added to the Nobel Peace Prize when the 1991 winner and PM of Burma, Mrs. A.S. Suu Kyi, swept in to the International Court of Justice in Holland to defend the genocide committed by her country's army against its inconvenient Moslem minority.

reader comment“Are we about to witness a high-street building boom as McDonuts creates separate eateries for its veganist customers so that normal people don't have to endure their indecent air of smugness?” T.N.

cross symbol Oh, dear! Analogue clocks and watches are facing Xtinction because Snoflakes don't have a clue what the big and little hands are telling them. Same with oldies when they succumb to dementia.
    All of which is bad news for the antique horological trade until digital watches and clocks start reaching the 100 years old mark and become antiques.

bulletQ: How do you avoid gaol for assaulting a copper when totally ratted?
bulletA: Claim you're a woman, or you identify as female, as magistrates & judges let them get away with it.

bullet Consumer Control is ordering customers to spend £500 per family on goods and services providing Festering Season good cheer.

bullet The Greenland ice shelf is melting faster than expected and 400 million people living in coastal areas will be under water by 2100. The good news is that they have plenty of time to relocate to higher ground to avoid this fate and there is no need to panic.

Get yer wallet oot, Wullie!
Scotland's Highland Council plans to put visitors off with a £1-a-night levy on tourists. Whether or not identifying as a migrant and claiming an exemption will work remains to be seen.
    The local tourism industry is reported not to be surprised as it is the sort of destructive daftness they expect from a bunch of zombie waxworks like the H.C.

Far Queue symbol Apparently, the Greenhouse Girl should be called Grater, as in cheese, if you're Swedish. If you're not Swedish, you can carry on with SillyLittleTwit.

Far Queue symbol DfID, the government department responsible for handing foreign aid billions to foreign dictators, corrupt officials and business spivs, and blowing cash on silly ideas, is worried about abolition and the waxworks at the Foreign Office getting its cash.
    We can expect a drip of poisoned propaganda against the FO to become a gushing torrent very quickly. There's nothing more savage than a vested interest losing its pants.

bulletQ: How do you tell who's a woman?
bulletA: They're the ones hopping madly around because they've been told it will strengthen their hips.

General Election Result

Party

Score

Don't Care

32.8%

Conservative

29.3%

Labour

21.7%

Liberal

7.7%

Others

8.5%

Let the wailing & gnashing of teeth begin
+ + + Boris to deliver Brexit + + + BBC flies black flags at half mast in deep mourning after Tory election victory + + + Some Labour smiles as party prepares to seek some credibility by ditching Corbyn Crew and blaming everything on their awfulness rather than general uselessness of rest + + + No Scottish Presidency for Wee Zombie Burney? + + + Oh, Jeremy Corbynski becomes NO, Jeremy Corbynski + + + Don't Care vote remains constant, same as June 2017 + + + O.J. says Labour no longer worthy of his leadership, demands People's Election in January + + + Travel industry takes big hit as Jewish Labour voters decided to stay put + + + Liberals also agitating for People's General Election in January, hoping idiots get it right @ another go + + +

Far Queue symbol The BBC is heading for big trouble if it failed to cast a female in the role of Tiny Tim for its Xmas stab at A Christmas Carol by C. Dickins.

Inaction and consequences
Parents failing to get their kids vaccinated have resulted in a plague of university students down in the dumps with mumps. Reported cases are 3x up on last year at 7,000 since July.

Bad people doing more bad things or Public sector? Unfair, don’t care
The Post Office is having to cough up £58 million of taxpayers' cash to repair some of the damage done to branch postmasters, who were falsely accused, and even gaoled, after the PO's dodgy software created imaginary losses in their accounts. A further £32 million of taxpayers' cash has been blown on lawyers during the attempts by the waxworks running the PO to cover up their blunders.

reader comment“Greenhouse Girder is being compared to Joan of Arc by some luminaries. How ironic it would be if she were burnt at the stake, releasing billions of tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere to nourish the plants she hates so much.” T.E.

Books in need of cooking
The hottest day in UK history [that's since records of such things began in 1850, Ed.] saw a surge of deaths. Unhappily for the GW fraudsters, the figures went down in the next few days with the result that the number of deaths in July this year was pretty much the same as in the 5 previous Julys. So much for gorbal warming. So much for another fake World Record. Shame.
reader comment“A lot of this talk about the weather getting more violent or unendurably bad is just the currently fashionable victim culture in action. In the good old days, people just got on with it. Now, there are too many wimps around, people who want to sit on their hands and be a victim rather than applying those hands to the task of getting on with things.” R.W.

bullet Equity release @ extortionate interest rates is about to replace PPI mis-selling as the major financial scandal of the day.

cross symbol The BBC is to be made subject to the Trade Descriptions Act with the result that 'adaptations' which fail to follow the author's plotline will be refused permission to use that author's name and title.

Sweeping changes
British taxpayers are having their pockets picked to the tune of £10 million to help with clearing away orbiting space junk. There are millions of bitz of it, and even small pieces have enough momentum to do serious damage to something in low Earth orbit, such as a satellite or the International Space Station.
    The situation isn't helped by India and China choosing to shoot missles @ obsolete space hardware to fragment it instead of de-orbiting it.

No Sombrero, Shirley!
The Xperts are warning us that the Festering Season poses a severe risk of weight gain and intoxication, and anyone who fails to go for a long, invigorating walk—68 miles would be good—WILL DIE!

Definitions for today
Woke: making a teenage girl your Woman of the Year for sounding off at the world's political leaders for not adjusting the world's climate to suit her requirements because she's too uneducated to know that they don't know how the climate works, and even if they did, the technology to manage it doesn't exist yet.
reader comment“Someone who's too dim to realize the extent of her own ignorance? Sounds like a future leader of the Labour party in the making.” A.C.

Real shame
Not so good news for German taxpayers when PM Boris gets Brexit done. Their membership fee for the EbloodyU is likely to go up from the present £13 BILLION/year to over £30 BILLION/year by 2030 to keep the eurocraps in freebies and the scrounger nations subsidized. The news for the Dutch, the other main contributor, is similarly non-rosy.

reader comment“For a bunch of anarchists, you seem indecently pleased by the downfall of the prime minister's foes.” C.U.
[Just coz we is Anarchists, that don't mean we is too stoopid to spot losers and wreckers like O.J. and his gang. Better out than in; and the further out, the better. Ed.]

bullet Poor old Ludwig van Beethoven is having his sketches for a 10th symphony finished off by musicologists with an AI program. They are going to pretend that their efforts would have had the master's approval when they are unveiled during the celebrations of the 250th anniversary of Beethoven's birth next year.
reader comment“An expert who has heard some of the barbeque Beethoven gave it a quality rating of 'unimpressive and nothing at all like the real thing'. Sounds like the AI still needs a huge amount of tweaking.” C.D.

bullet Don't expect to go anywhere in France; they're still on strike.

bullet Greenhouse Grater's 'Pollute The Planet' World Tour is doing Italy at the moment.

reader comment“Those gits @ Weather Control have really got the hump over Boris's Big Win. Nothing but rain ever since!” R.W.
reader comment“I'm surprised we've not had a claim of a year's rain in a day from someone. But maybe the record chasers are starting to go down with victim fatigue.” A.C.

bullet The Global Warming Fraudsters are getting short shrift @ the UN climate negotions in Madrid. The nations which will have to stump up the cash and make all the emissions changes are telling the scroungers that their pockets are not limitlessly deep, and the GWF are falling into a slough of despond over the scepticism which is greeting their wails of doom, doom, we're all doomed!

bullet Grauniadistas are giving a big boost to the black armband industry as their dreams of world domination lie in ruins. The staff of the Daily Mirror are also doing their bit to make it the blackest Xmas possible.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

 WEEK 3 

 
Putting things in perspective, or tail can't wag dog
The SNP won 45% of the votes cast in Scotland whilst the Tories collected only 43.6% of the votes cast across the whole of the UK. Does that mean the SNP won? Well, 45% of two-thirds (the election turnout) of 4 million comes to 1.2 million and 43.6% of two-thirds of 47.5 million comes to 13.8 million. Not even close

Far Queue symbol Harvey Weenstine has succeeded in taking world record amounts of Mickey out of the victim culture via his court appearance with the fashion accessory of a climbing frame with mutilated tennis balls on the back legs.

Tell us something we didn't know
Is it surprising that lots of Germans killed themselves in 1945 rather than let the wild animals of the Red Army get their hands on them? Nope. Do we need to spend 20 quid on a book telling us this? Nope.

bullet Thanks to the Bremoaners, the NHS is on its knees even more than usual this year.

Far Queue symbol Some actor bloke is ditching his unfaithful wife.

bullet If you steal £1 million from your spouse and you want the courts to let you get away with it, make sure you're a woman—o.n.o.

zombie burney legsFar Queue symbol The SNP might have 13 more MPs going to Westmonster but the scale of the Tory victory has reduced their party to just another annoying noise with no more power and influence than the Liberals.
Far Queue symbol Talking about the Liberals, Lisa Smart NOT winning here in Romiley, despite what it sez on the election posters still in gardens.
reader comment“I noticed the Tories didn't bother with the traditional estate agent-style posters in gardens and still won.” M.C.
reader comment“Boris should tell Wee Burney she can have as many referendums as she likes—as long as she pays for them herself and she doesn't expect to get a red cent from the taxpayer.” R.W.

bullet Piste and Baroque—the ideal foreign holiday.

Far Queue symbol Some busybugger has come up with more questions which Prince Andrew won't feel obliged to notice or answer.

Far Queue symbol Sanjid Toxic, our Special Correspondent, writes: The way the grumpy buggers of the EbloodyU are going, they will be at the back of the queue when it comes to the UK's future trading partners. Especially the Germans and the Irish, going from the volume of grump from Mrs. Mherkel and the Teashop when the election result was proclaimed.

Dreams up in smoke
The state government of British Columbia in Canada is not at all pleased with its customers. Handing out licences to stores to sell cannabis sativa products was expected to raise $38 million. But the rotten natives of BC have coughed up only $18 million.

Bears a bit bashed on a wild night in Green Bay
Rodgers to Adams for a 29 yard TD play to open the scoring after 10 minutes. Both teams went out on down to start the 2nd quarter. The Bears managed a FG in the 14th minute, 3-7, and the Packers chucked the ball about a bit with 00 on the clock after a pick of a desperation hurl by Trubisky.
    Jones went 21 yards for a GB TD in the 3rd minutes of Q3, 3-14. Jones again from 2 yards out for another at half-way, 3-21. The Bears managed a FG toward the end of the quarter, 6-21. Trubisky to Miller for a 2 yard TD after 7 minutes of Q4. 13-21.
    The Pack were sacked out of FG range with 4 minutes to go. Nearly a pick by GB in their end zone or a TD by the Bears, pass incomplete with 1 second on the clock. The match finished with a mad rugby-style scramble and the Bears almost getting to the GB end zone but the Pack recovering a fumble at their 1!

A bit more fall-out
Far Queue symbol Labour's mad Marxist Chancellor wannabe is blaming the election massacre on the news meeja for reporting the magnitude of the disaster Labour's policies would have created and how unfit to lead the nation Labour's waxworks are.
reader comment“Which is worse—someone who spouts Labour's lies and pretends to believe them, or someone who actually does believe them?” T.L.
reader comment“O.J. Corbynski sez he won't lead Labour into another general election. Does that mean he's plotting with his Russian and other terrorist buddies to stage a coup and take power without another election?” R.H.

zombie burney legsWee Burney to depose the PM of the UK? Joke!
Mad Mandy, writing in the Sunday Post, was talking about the UK looking like a country of two halves with the SNP in Scotland entitled to dictate terms to the mob in Westmonster. Which rather explains her name. Look at a map of the UK, look at any table of statistics of population, etc., and it's more like Scotland is one half of one quarter of one half of the UK.
reader comment“Even worse, the movers and shakers of the SNP are now starting to ask when Burney is going to pack her tent and stroll off into the sunset because everyone knows that her administration has been a disaster for education, the NHS, transport and everything else in Scotland.” C.U. Jimmy

As Unbig a Deal as you can get
A village on the Scottish island of Lewis is being offered as the World's First to convert to all LED lighting.
   Wow, gosh!
All but one of the occupied houses took up an offer of free LED light bulbs.
   Wow! A big operation?
Actually no, there are only 31 occupied homes on the island.
    So we're straining record fever to the very limit? Typical!

bullet The new railway timetables introduced this month will make everything wonderful.

Definitions for today
Behind the 9-ball: One worse than behind the 8-ball.

Far Queue symbol Some advice for O.J.: Il faut cultiver votre jardin.

Far Queue symbol + + + Gorbal warming swindlers cobble together compromise on gorbal warming in Madrid + + + World awaits another wobble by Greenhouse Gertie + + +
reader comment“The great thing about President Trump is his honesty. He's the only world leader prepared to treat Gertie as what she is—a stroppy teenager throwing tantrums because she thinks the sky is falling in and someone not to be pandered to.” A.E.

Ho, ho, bloody No!
Radian Housing of Southampton has banned the occupants of its 2,800 homes from putting an Xmas wreath on the front door in case it goes into spontaneous combustion and burns everything and everyone to the ground.

Like that would happen!
The Security Services are still arguing about the objectives of Russian interference in the recent general election but the outcome is likely to be an assumption that the Putinocracy made Labour look ridiculous to boost the Conservative vote and make it look like the Russkies have cleaned up their act and stopped interfering in foreign elections.

bullet If you want to get very drunk very quickly, go for sherry or port as the human body is ideally suited to absorbing a drink with 20% alcohol in it.

bullet If you want to set fire to your Xmas tree, the best way to do it is to buy a set of self-igniting lights for under a fiver from an on-line cowboy outfit.

bullet Small screw-up by Weather Control—Cumbria got its 7-foot snow drifts on the Sunday after the election rather than on election day.

bullet E-ciggies promote lung disease? Well, who'da thunk it!

. . . Comes around
The Post Office's IT nerds from Fujitsu could find themselves in the dock on perjury and/or perverting the course of justice charges over evidence given to help convict postmasters of theft—wrongly—over imaginary losses created by the IT nerds' buggy software.
    The judge handling a class action compensation case against the Post Office has referred the testimony given by the nerds to the Director of Public Prostitutions.

bullet The institutionally pro-Labour BBC is upset by being slagged off by Labour for costing the Corbynnies an election win by not being pro-labour enuff.

zombie BerkoHe’s a hypocrite? Surprise!
Before he was evicted from the job, the sometime Commons Squeaker, B.T. Berko, proclaimed that it would leave a bad taste if he were to profit from his time as Squeaker.
    Guess what he's doing now?
[clue: cashing in. Ed.]

bullet You can expect the two days of the Xmas break to be wet & windy or dry & sunny, Weather Control reckons.

cross symbol If you want to be ripped off by a bank offering 'savings' accounts paying 0.1% interest when the Bank of England base rate is 0.75%, go to Bank of Scotland, First Direct, Halifax, HSBC, Lloyds or Nationwide.

Pointless pastime
If you have absolutely and completely nothing to do, try going into the wilds of Nature and see if you can tell the noise one type of tree makes from that made by a different breed of tree.

zombie Liberal humbugbulletQ: What do you have to do to earn elevation to the House of Frauds?
bulletA: Be the leader of the Liberals for a couple or three months.
reader comment“The ancient and disagreeable Baron Bolse of Beastover? Would the old curmudgeon go for that?” R.W.

Far Queue symbol B.T. Berko is attempting to set a new World Record for appearing on the most TV broadcasts with the lowest every viewing figures in the most countries.

Wot about our right to know?
The Director of Public Prostitutions has pontificated about public concern over the large gap between the number of rapes being reported and the conviction rate, which is currently 3%. But he and the rest of his trade are remaining notoriously quiet about what they consider would be an acceptable conviction rate.

Brilliant!! Well, maybe not . . .
MeeToo'd former Hollywood mogul H. Weenstone has pointed out that it was he who single-handedly created the current female A-List. But when you look at some of the names on that list, maybe he has 'achieved' something best kept quiet about!

Far Queue symbol Banksters are now as socially acceptable as used car dealers—official!

See that thing 1,760 yards away? That’s the point.
"Everybody is human", sez the Archybish of Canterbury, offering himself as a human shield to Prince Andrew. But when you think about Vlad the Putin, O.J. Corbynski, T. Watson, the waxworks of the EbloodyU, Tony B. Liar, Bollocks to Berko and their ilk, maybe the Archbish is over-egging the pudding quite a lot.

bullet Message for those who think Boris's guy Cummings should look like a fashion model—he's a brain, not a clothes hoss, deal with it.

bullet The UK Border and Migrant Transport Agency has hoovered up and imported 1,800 illegals from the Channel over the last year.

A different kind of dishonesty
T.B. Liar is howling that Labour should shift to his brand of cronyism and profligacy and away from Corbynism. And getting as many raspberries as O.J., who continues to insist that the election hammering was nothing to do with him and all the fault of the news meeja for not being biased enough to the Looney Left.

bulletQ: 'Hairdryer moment'—Qu'est-ce que c'est que ça?
bulletA: Yelling your head off at someone in the rudest bugger fashion possible like all the Labour MPs who bought the O.J./McDonnell election manifesto and lost their seats. [see also 'hairdryer treatment']

Far Queue symbol The Chinese government would like anyone who has noticed that it is solving its Moslem problem by obliterating them to turn a blind eye. Or else.

Far Queue symbol Things look bleak for the next Democrap president of the United States. From Day One, he/she/it will be looking over hiser shoulder and wondering when the Repubs will strike with their tit-for-tat impeachment.
reader comment“If the Democraps are busy with a pointless impeachment of President Trump, it means their capacity for making mischief will be limited; if maybe only a little bit.” R.N.
reader comment“I note that bearing the name of Kennedy by virtue of being the grandson of the assassinated Robert doesn't prevent someone from talking utter bollocks to the House of Representatives.” J.R.

bulletQ: Who is Greenhouse Gertie picking as her role models?
bulletA: O.J. Corbynski is clearly one if she pulled that trick of his of sitting on her luggage on a train looking lost when she and her dad has been awarded freebie first-class tickets by the train company.
reader comment“She's definitely well on her way to an O-Level in dishonesty and a career in politics.” A.C.

They shall not bloody move!
cross symbol Thinking of flying to or from France next month? Forget it. The buggers in the pilotage and air crew industry will be on strike for more pay like the rest of the transport shirkers once they have recovered from their New Year hangovers. And the trains aren't running in Spain at the moment, as in the south-west of England

Answers on a PC to the usual address
Does anyone believe that a) 10% of Brits have promised not to drink a drop in January and b) that more than 0.01% of them will actually do it?

More obstructionism
cross symbol In Austria, there is a huge demand for skiing and not enough infrastructure to meet it. But the global warming fraudsters are trying to block plans to open up new areas, pretty much on a 'because that's what we do' basis.

bulletQ: Where is the best place to be when a court in Pakistan sentences you to death for treason?
bulletA: Dubai works for the former supremo General Musharaff.

Attention everyone who is 74 years old
cross symbol You are about to exit the decade during which the Xperts reckon you are/were most happy. But what do that bunch of bozos know anyway?

Don't get ill
One-third of doctors reckon they can't provide the quality of care that their customers require. Doing other things to avoid burn-out, or giving up doctoring entirely, are not helping to uncreate this care gap.

bullet Ofcom is making noises about doing pocket phone users a financial favour and banning the rip-off of locked phones.

Parliament reopens . . .

Winner & Loser

reader comment“What happened to 'hang all the lawyers'? How did that get left out of this latest Queen's Speech?” A.T.
reader comment“Let us hope that Frank Field gets a peerage, if he wants one, and a government job, if he wants one.” R.W.

And now for something completely the same
Former cabinet minister and refugee host Pixie Ball-Cooper [did she actually take in any Syrian refugees (in the literal sense) as she promised to? Ed.] is offering herself as the next Labour leader to satisfy the 'must identify as female' requirement.
    Her platform is that the Labour party needs to offer a more wishy-washy form of lies than those offered by T.B. Liar and O.J. Corbynski if it is to bamboozle the electorate successfully.
reader comment“Pixie is way off-beam if she thinks the Corbidiots are internationalists. They're 'everyone else but the British, who are always in the wrong', which is exclusivism rather than inclusivism. Anti-patriotism is the first resort of the Looney Left.” K.T.

reader comment“What a warm day we had yesterday! [Thursday, Ed.] If this is the Winter of the Warm Future, bring it on!” C.E.
reader comment“Maybe someone chucked a few global warming fraudsters on the old camp fire.” P.C.

Oh, dear, how sad, never mind
Veganists are going to die of irreversible nerve damage, the Xperts reckon, because their diet excludes vitamin B12.

Recycling pays off!
Who says we are no longer an enterprise culture? A bloke has just been sent to gaol for making £215,000 from buying up used postage stamps and recycling them as unused stamps after postmarks had been removed.

bullet The Culture Vulture industry would like us to believe that visiting a museum or art gallery every few months cuts the risk of an early death by one-third for people over 50.

bullet Foreign owned British Airways is heading for parity with Ryangrounded in the 'Most Hated Airline' category.

bullet We're still struggling to believe that people living in a village called Fishlake could have expected not to be flooded out of their homes.

Shifting intolerance
Alf Jackson, our victimhood correspondent, reports: There is a move afoot to turn 'nerd' into the proscribed N-word of the moment. Also candidates for the list of words worth imprisonment are 'boffin' as the new B-word and 'geek' into the new G-word.
[Readers are invited to nominate their own candidates for the rest of the proscribed alphabet. Ed.]
reader comment“Let us not forget that sometimes the law is an ass and sometimes it is administered by donkeys for and on behalf of corrupt political interests. Maybe not prison sentences at first, but fines are sure to be on the menu.” M.P.

zombie pumpkinDemocracy crumbles
+ + + Zombie plague overtakes US House of Representatives + + + Dark hand of Putin Poisoner in action? + + + "Hatchet job on Presidency" sez House Leader N. Pelosi** + + + Support for sitting President Trump rockets as re-election bid approaches + + + Pelosi being set up as scapegoat for further Democrap election flop? + + + "Not us, they commit electoral suicide without our help," say Russians + + +
[** In 1995. Ed.]

€54 BILLION down the drain by 2023
Germans are to be bribed to take trains instead of flying as part of a huge scam to create the illusion that their government is saving the world from gorbal warming. The scam also involves taxing everything which produces carbon dioxide until the pips are crushed.
    Natch, the Warmist doom-mongers are whingeing that this episode of Mherkelmania doesn't go far enough. And they keep reminding Mrs. Mherkel that it was her decision to phase out nuclear power stations which is keeping the nation reliant on fossil fuels to keep the lights on.

Wet and warm
flood symbol Weather Control is busting a gut to create an unbeatable World Record for flood warnings with over 100 already in place in England, and more expected.
    Motorists planning to travel anywhere in the South and Wales are advised to hack a surveillance satellite to make sure that their planned route is not under water. The same advice is offered to those planning to travel on rail routes which are subject to flooding.

Buffers struck everywhere
train In Canada, the high-speed train is being touted as a wonderfully green alternative to travel by road or air. Toronto to Montreal in under an hour is on offer, according to the advocates of something which looks suspiciously like H2S. Unfortunately, there is a lack of political will and, as in the UK, people keep asking where the money will come from.

Far Queue symbol Oh, dear! The Australian government's resistance to the not-so-great gorbal warming swindle is starting to crumble as the usual summer epidemic of bush fires is hystericed up to World Record levels by victimhood seekers and fraudsters.
    In fact, shooting arson suspects to make sure that they won't do it again would be the best way to combat bush fires, but it could work only in China.

 WEEK 4 

 
Xmas is absolutely the worst time to go anywhere but that consideration never seems to check the optimists.

Starliner launch, 20th December 2019Don’t panic! Another space slip-up
When NASA dropped out of the business of launching astronauts into space back in 2011, Boeing and SpaceX were awarded contracts worth billions of dollars to come up with replacements for the space shuttle and end the humiliating dependency on Russian launch facilities.
    The hope was that they would come up with something better than the inevitable cross between a camel and a corgi, which a NASA committee would be bound to unload on its customers.
    Boeing was hoping that its launch on Friday would be a dress rehearsal for a manned launch to the ISS in the summer of next year. The Gremlins of Near Earth Orbit said otherwise. A clock in the control systems of the Starliner capsule, show atop an Atlas 5 rocket (right), went haywire and lost touch with reality.
    Mission control tried a manual override to tackle the problem but a satellite communication problem meant that they were unable to contact the capsule in time. As a result, too much propellant was burnt, the vehicle ended up in the wrong orbit and the mission to dock @ the International Space Station had to be scrubbed.
    The capsule will return to Earth today [Sunday. Ed.] and land at White Sands, New Mexico. NASA is saying that had there been astronauts on board to fly the mission manually, there was no time at which they would have been unsafe, everything would have been okay and the mission would have been a success.
update The Starliner capsule landed safely in the desert, touching down on a collection of airbags after a pre-dawn descent with the usual trio of parachutes. NASA is insisting that the aborted flight was a success, despite the failure of Starliner to reach the ISS on what was meant to be a final dress rehearsal before a crewed mission.

Starliner in New Mexico, 22nd December 2019

bullet Boeing's unstable airliner the 737 Max, is known as the Flying Coffin after killing hundreds of passengers in two major crashes. That's bound to cheer up any astronauts lucky enough to get a ride in a Starliner.

cross symbol Oh, dear! The global warming fraudsters are going after fatties as obese people emit more carbon dioxide than those of a more modest build. They are getting the blame for 1.6% [BFD, Ed.] of all man-made carbon dioxide emissions.
bullet People who work out are also Enemies of the Planet on account of the extra CO2 they produce when grunting and groaning in a gym or pounding a stretch of pavement.

Just what we need
Santa or Santo Christmas and the Three Wise (or not) Men, Women, Otherwise or Don't Know? Well, there's a catchy title for a panto. Especially if the Dame is gender fluid and pretending to be a man playing a woman and the Principle Boy is anybody's guess.

bullet MI5 agents have a licence to kill, kidnap and torture to protect the British people from our enemies—official! A judge said so. Boo-hoo buggers, be very afraid!

Canadian Christmas stamp 2019What??
If someone in Canada has sent you a Xmas card, the envelope could well have sported one of these stamps. Which shows what? The staff at the office here were baffled. The best anyone could suggest was a giant orange slug with one eye stalk. Then some Bright Spark suggested that as it's Xmas . . .
[See right down at the bottom of the page for the shocking truth, Ed.]

Rejoice! Idiots are Everywhere! (Well, maybe not)
The Belgian army has blown €30 MILLION on making tanks into armoured hotels on wheels for service in terrorist hotspots in Africa. One small problem. The average height of a member of the Belgian army is around 6 feet but anyone taller than about 5½ feet can't move around in the cramped interior of the new wonder tanks.
    Oh, well, back to the drawing board and the taxpayers have lots more money.

bullet It had to happen. Britain's police forces are claiming a new World Record for their use of tasers in the last year.
bullet Meanwhile, a GP in Maidstone is claiming a World Record for having to look after 11,000 customers single-handedly.

cross symbol NHS eye-specialists will be on triple-overtime @ A&E units in anticipation of the seasonal rush of twits who have shot themself with the cork from a bottle of fizz.
bullet A&Es will have to treat well over 300,000 customers to claim a new World Record for this year.

Gyrambitions
cross symbol After 2 weeks of negotions @ COP25, a UN-sponsored conference/junket in Madrid for gorbal warming fraudsters, nothing much was achieved. Poor countries were indignant that rich countries weren't shovelling more cash into their pockets and the rich countries kept reminding them how much they get and how little appreciation they show.
    Taxpayers are advised to watch out for some cunning stunts pulled by the GW fraudsters, who have painted themselves in to a corner. Reaching their imaginary tipping points created by dodgy computer programs is pretty well inevitable, which leaves them with nowhere to go unless they start moving goalposts. For which they have a long and dodgy record.

It were us!
The members of an indoor bowling club which was closed in Liberal PM-candidate Zombie Swinson's former Scottish constituency are claiming the credit for evicting her from Parliament. She lost by 149 votes and the club has/had 300 members.

bullet No white Xmas this year—gorbal warming is getting the blame. Instead, customers are advised to make sure that their lifeboat is fully stocked as Weather Control is hell-bent on delivering 2 weeks' rain on Boxo Day.

Far Queue symbol "How much money does anyone need?" an envious and unenterprising SNP MP asked on learning how much the fattest cat in the private sector is paid. To which we reply: "Just because you're a deadleg, that doesn't mean everyone else has to be one too."

Far Queue symbol "The independence issue needs to be settled," says a rejected Scottish Labour MP, who clearly hasn't been paying attention. It was, mate, in 2014—'for a generation'.
But you weren't paying attention, natch.

Luck? Definitely for pushing!
In competition for the World's Weakest Tourism Incentive is the Garden Arms hotel in Gardenstown, Aberdeenshire, the management of which is proposing a local Dracula Trail because Bram Stoker might just (or not) have done some tweaking to the manuscript of his novel Dr. Acula there some 10 months before the book was published.

Brexit 50p coinA chance to cash in?
The Brexit 50p coins which the Royal Mint prepared for the Great Day have been melted down for recycling when someone can assure the Mintmaster that the Blessed Day has actually been and gone.
    Which means that anyone who was able to blag one or two, or maybe fake some, is now on to a Good Thing as far as the market in historic coins that never were is concerned.

Far Queue symbol Police in Britain are investigating 14 murders ordered by the Putinocracy. No arrests are expected.

Dodgy is as dodgy does
Surprise! The replacement for J.C. Druncker as president of the EbloodyU Commission has been accused of having an official pocket phone wiped to wipe out evidence of dodgy contract awards when she was Mrs. Mherkel's defence minister.

bullet 10% of the nation's oldies; that's 1 million of them; are malnourished and therefore not contributing to gorbal warming by being obese. Hooray!

All you need is juice
Only one-third of the members of the Saudi Kill Squad, which murdered and dismembered journalist J. Khashoggi in the Saudi consulate in Istanbul during October of last year, have been given the death sentence. The rest had enough pull to get off.
reader comment“Heads will roll, literally! Or will they? Secret execution? Claimed to have taken place but not in public to avoid outraging faint hearts? No one actually dead? Could happen.” S.B.
reader comment“The architects of the elimination have been cleared due to lack of evidence—it's all been shredded and anyone else in the know has been warned that the same will happen to them if they talk.” A.S.
reader comment“Could it be that the Saudi hit squad went to the IRA school of making people disappear and sought the advice of the headmaster, a Mr. Adams?” T.R.

How do you get this gig?
Want to make some spare cash? Dodgy firms are paying £13 a pop for dodgy glowing reviews of their goods to be posted on mega-retailer Amazon's site.

bullet Oldies should get their scoff on a blue plate, the Xperts reckon, as the colour helps them to see what they are eating. And they should get grub that tastes and smells good.
[This would be Xperts in the bleedin' obvious? Ed.]

happy touristNo problem, mate!
Does the Aussie PM have anything to apologize for if he's on holiday with his family during the summer bushfire arson season? Not really. Especially if his subjects are too dim to tell the difference between arson and the effects of gorbal warming.

Far Queue symbol Shock, horror! Supermarket Xmas cards are cheap because the packs are stuffed by slave labour in China, a lot of it Moslems being reprogrammed. Gulp!

bullet A ban on smoking in public places is being blamed, in part, for the increase in the elderly population and the problems oldies cause.

The Be Nice To Boris party?
The Labour party is hell-bent on defying logic and appointing a new leader who will be Corbyn in a frock and just as useless.
reader comment“The favourite is a new T.B. Liar? How wonderful.” A.W.B.

Far Queue symbol "Of late, democracy has come in for a pounding," says B.T. Berko, the sacked Commons Squeaker. He failed to add that he was responsible for most of the battering.

And the Division Champion is . .
Okay, it's Xmas, but did the Packers really need to keep turning the ball over to the Vikings in the return match in Minnesota?
   "Look at that balance! Aaron Jones, see ya!" (on his way to the MV end zone) And then there was Mr. Smith with his 3½ sacks in the Packers' 23-10 win. And Green Bay are top of their heap again. And they have a defence which can manage to do some defending.
    Can not be bad!

It’s Xmas day: The Queen has had a bumpy year.
But haven't we all!!

Far Queue symbol Watch yourselves! The waxworks running the prison system have let over 1,000 dangerous customers out of gaol for Xmas.

The thick blue line
The waxworks running Her Majesty's police farces have blown millions of pounds of taxpayers' cash on electric cars, which are no good for either chasing fugitives or getting coppers to the scene of an incident in time to do any good.
    No promotions, bonuses, honours and other awards were affected by this bone-headedness.

cross symbol Track repair campaigns by Notwork Rail and the usual suspects out on strike are helping to make this Festering Season an even dafter time to try to go anywhere.

One loser Xplaining where another went wrong
Another Labour big-time loser in a general election, Edstone Milipede, is figureheading an inquiry into why his party got such a tonking at this month's general election.
reader comment“Could be something to do with winning an imaginary argument rather than enuff seats in Parliament to form a government.” W.G.
reader comment“One of the lesser Xperts doing the review reckons Labour keeps losing because its 'offers to the country have been insufficient'. Crumbs! What more than the Everything For Free that was on offer this month can they come up with for next time?” R.W.
reader comment“The official Labour luvvie view is that the only thing funnier than a review by Edstone would be one by O.J.” D.G.M.

bulletQ: What's a good way to blow up a car?
bulletA: Spray an air-freshener aerosol around inside it then use a lighter to ignite a cigarette.

bullet PM Boris is not making friends in the Middle East, Pakistan and other places where Christians are persecuted by the state. He's promising to stand up for persecuted Christians everywhere. Christians in Britain, who keep being persecuted by the legal system, are now wondering how serious he is.

tick symbol There is nothing wrong with a GP's receptionist performing triage and deciding who gets to see the doctor PROVIDED said receptionist is fully qualified to make the decision and fully insured in case of mishaps.

Far Queue symbol On Xmas Day, we had a cheerful bloody TV weather bloke going on about the brilliant sunshine, and there we were, looking out the window at a very grey day and wondering what the bloody hell he was talking about.

zombie humbugOne approves . . . sort of
The Queen had what looked like a good word for the Greenhouse Grotters in her broadcast to the nation, but it was possible to detect a certain veiled irony in HM's praise for their 'sense of purpose'.
    Translation: "Silly kids, good at stopping the traffic but not much else."
Orrrr-daaa!
bullet Sacked Commons Squeaker Berko did a parallel turn on Channel 4 but no one we know could be bothered watching it.

bullet The wheels are coming off in Germany. They're going to put speed limits on their Autobahns!!

bullet The Xperts have peered into their crystal balls and they reckon the UK and the US will do okay up to 2034. Things get a bit hazy after that.

Takeover bid
Santa (or Santo) Claus does not reside @ the North Pole; he/she lives and works in northern Sweden. Sez who? A bunch of geography nerds at . . . a Swedish university.

5 reasons why the Madrid Global Warming Scampage ended in shambles
1. Chile was in charge, the people there wouldn't stand for it and the jamboree was switched to Spain, where the Chilean environment minister made a bog of controlling the delegates from 196 nations.
2. Lobbyists for the energy industry had to be there as the world doesn't work without them.
3. The Trump Effect and the breath of fresh air introduced by his scepticism.
4. The China Effect—everyone else can do what they want, China will do what it wants.
5. National interests versus multilateralism—the countries with a decent standard of living don't want to give it up.

bullet France is still on strike, but what else is new!

Typical bloody EU, too little, too late
The Europeon Parliament was outraged by scumbag British Liberal MEPs wearing Bollocks to Brexit garments in a chamber which condones T-shirts, jeans, trainers and backward-facing baseball caps.
    The rules are to be changed to ban insulting messages and offensive behaviour; but not until long after Brexit and the departure of the Liberal yobs.

bulletQ: What does a pet kangaroo in Belgium get on Xmas morning?
bulletA: Eaten by a wolf.

reader comment“There we were on Boxo Day, in the lifeboat, standing by for 2 months' rain in 24 hours and . . . nuffink! Sheer Weather Control hysteria and victim wannabe.” R.W.

Far Queue symbol Surprise! The FO is using gorbal warming as its alibi for blowing zillions of pounds of taxpayers' cash on electric vehicles as an exercise in virtue flaggery.

Busted
Celebrated archaeologist Sir M. Wheeler has been outed for inventing the massacre of a tribe of Ancient Brits @ Maiden Castle in Dorset in 43 A.D.
   The evidence says that area of the battle cum massacre had been abandoned a century before the Romans arrived here and the 'victims' of the massacre had been buried over a period of 50-100 years before the alleged battle.
    Sir M., it seems, chose not to let inconvenient facts get in the way of a good myth.

Justice delayed is justice denied
A Chelsea Pensioner is testing this maxim with a threat to take legal action against the police of Northern Ireland, who have been dragging their feet over 'investigating' a shooting incident involving British troops and insurgents, which took place in the province nearly 50 years ago.
    Which is fair enuff. It's high time the footdraggers were held to account and/or just bloody sacked for misconduct in a public office. No pension, no references, no gongs, no nuffink.

poverty pantsWhere’s the Corbyn Cash when you need it?
A UN poverty commission led by Professor Penetentiara of Venezuela has delivered a stern assessment of life in England. The Professor was particularly distressed by the numbers of women and girls of all ages who are forced to walk the streets in ragged clothing, even in the coldest weather.
    "What hope is there for the beggar nations," the Professor asked, "if so many citizens of one of the richer countries of the world are reduced to wearing worn-out garments?"
reader comment“The Daily Mail needs to concentrate on planting Magic Money Trees when it is saving The Planet with its ambitious plan to turn the whole of Britain into a forest.” D.G.

Lawyer saves chickens from fox
What everyone wants to know is how come he had a baseball bat handy when he needed one? A quick survey of the BFN gang revealed that none of them owns an example of this handy fox assassination weapon.
reader comment“Don't chickens have animal rights, including the right not to be chomped by a bloody fox?” A.J.
reader comment“The guy is a Bremoaner, so no sympathy available.” N.F.

reader comment“Is Black Friday over yet? Is it safe to come out of the bunker?"” W.H.
reader comment“An 80% Boxo Day price cut is all very well, but if it's not something you want . . .” H.D.

zombie humbugDon't call us . . .
The nation's police farces are reducing the number of crimes reported by letting the phone ring and ring for hours on end if someone dials 101 to report a crime which is not actually in progress. Three hours in some cases.
    Only the terminally persistent manage to get through to report a crime which won't be investigated after screening. Unless, of course, it involves an imaginary hate crime.
reader comment“It can be a 4 hour wait in Greater Manchester. Not so bloody great.” H.T.

Far Queue symbol A refugee charity in Kent wants the Home Office to admit everyone & anyone into Britain because Jesus was a refugee! And their proof is . . . ?
reader comment“This is known as a bugger-boo; some bugger making something up to make their case.” B.S.

Dreams do come true
Want a first-class honours degree in absolutely ANY subject, even from one of the best unis?
    If you are still alive in 2057, grade inflation will mean that your dream will come true. Natch, your degree won't be worth the PDF file it come as, but what the hell?

Politics question of the day
Which would you rather have, Democracy, which is a society of demics, or Autocracy, which is a car-owning society?

 WEEK 5 

 
tick symbol The Xperts reckon that parents should set strict bedtimes for their offspring up to the age of 18!! Good luck with that. It's clear the Xperts don't have any stroppy [is there any other sort? Ed.] teenagers of their own.

cross symbol It might be warmer in parts of England than it is in Athens and Rome, but 14 deg.C is not that bloody wonderful by any manner of means.

Self-discipline severely lacking
Despite all that Labour propaganda about austerity and poverty, Britain's middle-aged munchers are managing to eat themselves into an early grave.
    Their vast size puts 50% of them (60% for women) @ increased risk of diabetes, heart disease and cancer, the Xperts reckon.
[There's a cheerful thought in the wake of the Festering Season. Ed.]

Not even a candidate for the Far Queue
Labour's ousted deputy leader, the appalling T. Watson, is doing a whinge about the brutality and hostility he experienced in the party. Someone needs to tell the Nonce Finder General that playing the sympathy card is a total waste of time as no decent people have any at all for someone as appalling as him.

What did we get in the 2010s?
• An end to Labour in power and the Conservatives with a chance to repair the damage inflicted on our economy by 13 years of Gordon F. Broon
• A British bloke winning @ bloody Wimbledon. Twice!
• A way out of the EbloodyU
• An American president, D. Trump, who is a real person and not a crook or a waxwork
• Vlad the Putin and his world conquest by murder plan
• Daesh and 'radicalized' scumbags
• Scumbag City on FakeBuk and Twatter
• Austerity in Europe to repair socialism-ravaged economies without revolutions
• A fake climate emergency and lotz of teenage & oldie hysteria
• Constant Whinge Olympics featuring every minority imaginable demanding more rights without responsibilities and more of other people's cash
• And all the rest.

tick symbol Good news! Everyone living in a city will be knocked off by the microplastic particles in the air, the Xperts reckon (on a maybe, could be level) solving all sorts of problems for our overstretched NHS and giving the funeral industry a HUGE boost.

zombie humbugEverybody gets some!
If you've never heard of the chilli sauce manufactured by Huy Fong Foods of California, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Their bottles of Sriracha brand chilli sauce are prone to spontaneous explosion—something guaranteed to liven up even the dullest of dinner parties.

Two peoples separated by a common language
"My bad," said the American with a hint of a non-guilty smile.
    "Your bloody atrocious, if you're talking about your grammar," said the Professor of English with a pained expression.
    "How does my grandma come in to it?" the American said with a frown.
    The words 'cause' and 'lost' flowed in to the professor's mind.

Heinz Situation!
bulletQ: What do you get from the Chinese government if you're the independent, nothing to do with that government tech company WahWey The Lads?
bulletA: £57 BILLION in subsidies.

Maybe you're not supposed to win
There's a frantic race going on to plant zillions of trees to prevent gorbal warming, air pollution and sea levels rising 600 feet by the end of next week. But the Xperts have found something to whinge about.
    They don't like the number of apple trees sprouting beside motorways as a result of people hurling apple cores out of vehicles. What's wrong with them? They're the wrong sort of apples, the Xperts howl because they are worried about generations of supermarket apples putting genes into the wild or crab apple population.

Lifes Sabbich (and then you die)
What did the Packers go to Detroit to do? Faff about aimlessly, managing just a field goal in reply to two touchdowns and a field goal from the Lions. You fix the defence and the offence splutters.
   The prettiest ugly win of the season for Green Bay? Typically, the winning field goal just scraped through instead of drifting wide left. 23-20 final and the Packers at a totally unconvincing 13 wins!!

zombie humbugThat bloody Mugger!
What is it about Gordon F. Broon and pensions? He stole private pensions with stealth taxes. Now, it has emerged, BILLIONs of pounds of public sector workers' pension cash has sloshed into the pockets of scammers under a scam introduced during Broon's watch. A scam which had HMRC approval.
    That same HMRC is now demanding a slice of the cash which went up in smoke from the victims of the scam. What's Vajid Javid, our Chancellor of the Exchequer, going to do to repair this latest New Labour crime against humanity?
reader comment“You don't have to be nasty and incompetent to be a taxperson, but it does help.” R.W.

Far Queue symbol Surprise! the on-line hate unit of the Police of the Metropolis is just a cosmetic job created by London's cosmetic mayor Sadgeek Can't. But it does give the rather dodgy dignity of employment to half a dozen coppers.

Far Queue symbol Surprise! The outgoing [in the sense of he's been terminated rather than he's a great bloke, Ed.] Governor of the Bonk of England has jumped onto the climate emergency bandwagon. Probably as part of his campaign to become the President of Canada.

bullet New Year's Eve? Oh, yes, the French are on strike again. Still, the exercise of walking home will do everyone a lot of good after a boozy night out.

bullet Something else French is their curious habit of setting fire to cars on New Year's Eve; something which has been declining since 2010 because the news media are no longer impressed and the police are putting more patrols in areas noted for arson attacks.

They always come out ahead
Surprise! The lawyers acting on behalf of the complainants against H. Weenstine, who was found mysteriously dead in what was supposed to be a high-security gaol, will make a hell of a lot more cash than the complainants, which seems to be the natural order of things.

Far Queue symbol Surprise! The boss of the Lake District National Park is upset with young, non-white and disabled people because they are not visiting his fief in sufficient numbers to let him do as much holier-than-thou virtue flag waving to keep him happy.
    Bloody minorities!
    Apparently, more zip-wire and amusement park zones are needed urgently. And lots of roads for 4x4 wheelchairs. And ethnic stuff.

Don’t trust official warnings!
Thousands of people are refusing to leave the areas of Australia which are threatened by arsonized wildfires because they think things will be okay for them and there are no worries. Bloody tourists, eh!

bullet Edited News: Corbynistas must drive out Labour to beat Semitism, sez leader.
[Spot the missing words, Ed.]

Not bloody paying attention
Climate change may destroy our pensions, claims the departing Bonk of England boss; that Canadian bloke. Who is clearly so out of touch that he doesn't know that Gordon F. Broon has already done for pensions of all descriptions.

cross symbol Greenhouse Gertie has done wonders for the profits of the big pharmaceutical companies by scaring lots of gullible teenagers so much that they are gobbling anti-depressants by the fistful!

bullet Tidying things up before you croak so that your heirs don't have to is known as . . . Swedish Death Cleaning, and people have even written books about it. How bleedin' depressing and what a HUGE disincentive for doing it.

Bigots thrive
If you are poor, white and a boy, don't expect any scholarship help with getting a place in a posh school. The usual suspects have got it in for you big time as a result of severe cases of inverted snobbery, rachel victimhood, liberal guilt and sheer luvvie bone-headedness.

Another of life’s mysteries
How can someone possibly have made a new film version of Little Women as Louisa M. Alcot's book is politically criminal on sizeism and sexism grounds.


Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

The Canadian Xmas Stamp shows a Partridge in a Pear Tree. Allegedly.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, December MM19 like anyone cares