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 2019/November 
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zombie humbugThere is still no F in Brexit thanks to the Westminster Wonders
—but Prime Monster Boris is doing his best to ram it up the humbuggers!
 
Lord Farage of Brexit if Nigel does the decent thing?


 WEEK 1 

 
ZomkinLet us not forget that yesterday was Bollocks to Berko Day!!
 
A nation rejoices!
 
Na, na, naaa-na, na, na, naaa-na, hey, hey, hey, go-oo-od-bye!

reader comment“Maybe we can make the Monday nearest to October 31st the official Bollocks to Berko Bank Holiday to give everyone who's in the wealth-creation sector a break in the long national holiday drought between August and December.” G.I.
reader comment“If there's any whingeing about too many bonk holidays, we could always abolish the May Day one, which is totally superfluous, given its proximity to Easter and the Spring BH.” K.M.

bulletQ: When is a pair of underpants worth $25M?
bulletA: When they lead to the termination of the head of a terrorist gang thanks to a mole who offered them as evidence of identification.

Is there something about London which rots the brain?
We have abundant evidence that the people put in charge of the Metropolitan police are incapable of both good judgement and good sense such that the lives of innocent people are trashed by their neglect and people can even end up dead.
   The same applies to the Fire Brigade and as for that bunch of zombie humbugs @ the Palace of Westmonster . . .
reader comment“No doubt, if they're ever brought to book [wild laughter, Ed.], they will claim to be victims of pollution and their lawyers will demand HUGE amounts of compenbloodysation in addition to being allowed to retire early on a HUGE, if undeserved, pension.” L.E.
reader comment“Let us not forget all the local council members and council officers who put good sense on hold when at work. Mainly Labour but not exclusively.” S.V.

Pollock Vindicated
The American (piss-)artist J. Pollock's action paintings were made with skill and purpose, the Xperts have finally concluded. They have genuine visual complexity created by design rather than as an accidental consequence of chucking paint at a canvas at random, which is something which chimps, elephants and pretentious gits can do.
reader comment“No doubt whoever it was who paid $200M for No. 17A is feeling vindicated too.” R.W.

cross symbol Criminals attempting to smuggle drugs ashore @ Florida's coastline hit on the idea of painting their semi-submersible boat green. Presumably in the hope that the US Coast Guard would assume from the colour that they were saving The Planet, not trying to exploit the pesky and unwanted humans living on it.

Bonfire of the Remoaners
Tory turncoats who betrayed their party to frustrate Brexit are abandoning politics to follow the rash of Bliarite Labour MPs, who sashayed into the public sector to cash in. There's always some mug who will toss a company's cash at a has-been.

Seasonal Disorder?
The Gits have taken over @ Sheffield university, where wearing a Halloween sombrero was banned because it's racist and mocks and demeans and insults the Mexican race and their disabilities. Which is total bollocks.
reader comment“Especially the notion that only disabled people wear sombreros. I've seen lots of perfectly able-bodied banditos wearing them in films.” M.G.
reader comment“Anyone remember when people went to university to learn real stuff which might actually be useful in life in the real world?” C.P.

Those with most to hide shout loudest
The fake news industry is struggling to keep up with the demands of Princess Mhegan and her cohort of female MPs, who are ignoring protocol to confect outrage on an industrial scale as part of their agenda for state control of the news meeja and suppression of reports of their own shameful exploits and crimes against humanity.

cross symbol Motorists are such unreliable idiots that the Transport Department is considering making just thinking about a personal phone whilst driving a car; never mind using it; a criminal offence worth gaol time!
reader comment“This is probably what's at the back of all the Dash for 5G agitation—the means to put a spy camera in every car for a bank of super-Gooble-computers to monitor for evidence of personal phone activity.” G.O.

Needs must
There has been a lot of flak directed at NetFlix for providing a gadget that lets the customer zoom through a slow-developing programme at a brisk walk @ 1.25x speed, or a moderate run @ 1.5x speed.
    But if you're a Snoflake who thinks you're going to go extinct in 2030, or an oldie who doesn't expect to last that long, there's a lot to get through to get your money's worth out of life, and you can't really afford an attention span of greater than four seconds.

reader comment“If Corbynski wants to export all the rich people, who's he going to steal money from? His clients don't have any, and they rely on hand-outs from the wealthy. If O.J. cuts off their lifeline, he's liable to end up strung up on a lamp post before he's settled in @ 10 Downing Street.” C.R.

Moderated enthusiasm
Are we knocked out by the prospect of a Bridget Riley retrospective? With reservations. The optical movements, which she designed and got underlings to paint, are great. The strips, not so much. Same with the rhomboids.
reader comment“Same with the Seurat pastiches.” R.W.

zombie humbugPay more attention in future!
There's someone in Chorley who actually thinks that the coming general election will elect MPs who think they are servants of the public. Clearly someone who has failed to notice what lying, tricky humbuggers MPs really are.
reader comment“Clearly a customers for the yellow van and the men in white coats!” C.B.

bullet If you want to be fireproof against a charge of negligent homicide, get a job driving a tram in Croydon.

Still too big to go bust, or Begging bowl to be out-thrust again
The banks are going to go bust again. They are having to pay out so much for their PPI scams and the predations of scammers that there will be no cash left after they've paid the enormous wages of the managers and directors who let all this happen.

Not that it matters, but . . .
Help! We've been getting a month's rain in a day so often recently that those who haven't been paying close enough attention have lost track of where we are. Are we still getting rain from 2020's quota, or have we slipped over into 2021's quota?

Fraud condoned
As usual, the police and the electoral authorities will take no action against students who register to vote at their parents' home and register another vote where they are studying; as long as they promise to vote Labour.

Far Queue symbol A town with lots of white buildings can no longer be called the Little White Town as the name upsets racial bigots.

CFL logo Friday Night Football: the Als in Ottawa, where the pitch still looks v. tatty. A kick off rouge for MTL, who delivered a quick 2 & gone to the Redblacks. Adams took the Als to a 1st & goal, and fired a TD pass to Lewis. Another rouge from the kick off, 9-0. The RBs got moving to a FG after 13 minutes, 9-3.
    Wieneke took a TD pass 3 minutes in to Q2, 16-3. Another FG for the RBs after 7 minutes, 16-6. The Als were sacked out of FG range and punted for a single. They had to give up a safety in the 14th minute, 17-8. The RBs zoomed to FG range; a sack but Ward was accurate from 47 yards, 17-11.
    Shilz on for the Als, a TD for MTL 19 three minutes in to Q3 and another rouge from the kick off, 25-11. The RBs marched to a TD pass to Harris? Down at the 1, TD for Jennings instead, 25-18. The Als kicked a FG after 13 minutes, 28-18.
    DPI in goal by the Als in Q4 put the RBs at their 1, another TD for Jennings, the convert missed and was nearly returned for 2 the other way! 28-24. A 35-yard sprint by Williams after 7 minutes, 35-24. Ward missed another RB FG try. A goal-line stand by the Als went pear-shaped. What sort of idiot lines up with both hands past the white line? TD for Jennings, +2, 35-32 with 1:41 left. The Als punted but a pick-6 by Murray right away put the game away, 42-32 final.

The psychology of Xmas
Clumsily wrapped presents create low expectations and increase the delight factor if they contain something good. Elegantly wrapped parcels create high expectations and something good in them is no more than what is expected.

Dirty-pool politics, not public safety
There is a world of difference between earth tremors due to fracking which are higher than those legally permitted, and earth tremors which can actually be felt by people on the surface, and also earth tremors which cause structural damage. Mainly because the legally permitted level has been set deliberately very low to make sure the fracking industry can't operate in the UK to pander to the global warming fraudsters. We're earthquake experts here in Romiley and we know.

Wee Burney ZombieOne woman’s vanity or a few financial facts of life
1. As a member of the UK, Scots get a subsidy from English taxpayers of close to £2K per head and an independent Scotland will not be entitled to this sub.
    2. As a member of the UK, which is a member pro-tem of the EbloodyU, the Scots are entitled to EbloodyU grants. The EbloodyU is not a wealth-creating organization and these handouts are cash from English taxpayers LESS the admin fees skimmed off by the EbloodyU.
    3. As a non-member of the UK, an independent Scotland will not be a member of the EbloodyU and all grants from this source will dry up.
    4. Without the above direct and indirect subsidies from English taxpayers, will the Scots be willing to take a drastic cut in living standards to make Wee Burney Sturgeon the first president of Scotland?
    5. If they are, we in England will applaud their sacrifice and enjoy spending the cash which doesn't go north to Scotland and south to the EbloodyU. And if we can stop the leaks west to Wales and Northern Ireland . . . whooooh!

Look after it now!
The idiot who left a 310-year-old violin worth a quarter of a million quid on a train has been reunited with his treasure. He got it back at a police-observed handover in a supermarket car park. The bloke who strolled off with the abandoned fiddle announced that he had made a mistake. Presumably, in thinking that he could get away with an act of theft of lost property of such rarity and high value.

cross symbol The BBC is starting to become embarrassed by the antics of its non-white female staff, who think they have a divine right to be rude to visitors of whom they don't approve, especially if they are male and white. Even more embarrassing for the Beeb are the leaks about the subsequent apologies, which BBC managers had to make to the offended visitors.

Fresh start
Catologists have given up hope of re-establishing the wildcat in Scotland. The dwindling isolated pockets of them are too full of hybrids of genuine wildcats and feral domestic animals. The Xperts are now hoping to create pure wildcat colonies in suitable stretches of woodland in England and Wales.

cross symbol Party-poopers in California have blown the bottom out of the online rent-for-a-party trade with a Halloween massacre in Orinda, a posh suburb of San Francisco.

bullet Israel and the Palestinians of Gaza have begun to exchange Xmas presents early this year—bombs for rockets.

The Downfall of Decadence
Is the human race becoming unglued? Or there already? The upcoming generation are drama queens, who have fantasies of Xtinction, which lets them claim to be victims of their parents' generation.
    Their grandparents' generation, meanwhile, is able to throw all the blame for the state of The Planet on their children and also embrace the drama queen culture.

alien invaders

The only good thing about this sorry scenario is that if evil aliens turn up looking for somewhere to conquer, they'll take one look at the sorry crew on Earth and move on rapidly in search of somewhere worth oppressing.
reader comment“Such as somewhere where most of the natives don't have diabetes caused by o'besity?” R.W.

Take it or do without
The power companies have very sneakily scrapped all mechanical meters and driven their manufacturers out of business to force customers who need a replacement to be obliged to take a dodgy electronic one.

CFL logo Another Super Saturday for Week 21 and the close of the regular season. The Eskimos visited the Roughriders, who opened the scoring with a FG and picked off a bad pass to get back to FG range again. After a small riot, Thigpen went in for a TD and 0-10 after 14 minutes. The Riders missed 2 FG tries in Q2.
    In Q3, the Esks made a 3rd & inches, Daniels fired a pass 45 yards to Smith, who took a TD pass from Kilgore. The convert was blocked, 6-10. Kilgore fumbled the ball away and gave the Riders a chance to miss another FG! The Esks gave up a safety a minute later, 6-12. A TD pass to Elliott put the Esks 13-12 in front in the last minute of the quarter.
    The Riders missed another long FG try in Q4. A short one missed for a single after 7 minutes, 13-all. Lauther managed a 12-yard FG for 13-16 with 1:30 left and a pick-6 by Judge made SK 13-23 winners and the Best in the West.

Don't vote, it only encourages them
If all the parties in the coming election are offering greenwash bollocks in their manifesto, there's no real point in voting for any of them.

Far Queue symbol 7-time election loser N. Farage of the Brexit Bunch will not take the risk of being unlucky (or unwanted) an 8th time. He won't be standing as a candidate in next month's election.

CFL logo Saturday Soup #2: The Argos in Hamilton. A pick-6 by Richardson opened the Argos' account after 6 minutes. The convert missed, 6-0. The Cats fumbled away their next possession. They dodged a pick in goal thanks to a penalty and a TD run by Marshall put them 6-7 ahead in the 14th minute.
    In Q2, the Cats fielded a short punt and were held to a FG, 6-10. Bang! One play, Prukop to Smith for a TD, 13-10. Another TD for Marshall put the Cats 13-17 ahead. The Argos replied with a FG, 16-17. The Argos picked a tipped pass and a FG try went over the left post (?) for a single, 17-all.
    The Cats reached the TA 8 in Q3, only to be intercepted in goal by Darby. A punt by the Argos bounced off the TC crossbar and went in to the goal for nowt! in the 10th minute. A punt by the Cats which scored a rouge was wiped out by a penalty.
    A pick by Darby stopped the Cats in Q4. Nothing from it? The Cats were done for killing the punter but the Argos had to punt after a huge play to Gittens was wiped out by a challenge. The Cats punted for a rouge with 6 minutes left, 17-18. A FG try by the Argos after the 3MW was a dreadful miss for a single, 18-all. The holder missed the tee. The Cats battled to FG range and an 18-21 win to deliver a perfect season at home.

Far Queue symbol The Tories and Labour are making spending pledges which will make Gordon F. Broon look like a miser. Where will all the cash come from? Who knows? The Liberals have invented a Bremoan Bonus of 100 godzillion quid over the next 10 minutes, which is by far the daftest fantasy of the campaign thus far.

Far Queue symbol Some theatres are abandoning addressing the customers as 'ladies and gentlemen' in case someone who doesn't know which they are drops in.

CFL logo Finally, the Stampeders in Vancouver, where they got a FG from their opening drive. A pick by Lee left the Lions backed up and they conceded a safety, 5-0. A FG after 14 minutes put the CS 8-0 ahead. The Lions managed a FG in Q2, and the Stamps kicked one after 7 minutes, 11-3. Another after 14 minutes, 14-3.
    Bridge came on for O'Brien in Q3, but O'Brien returned after DPI in goal to score a TD, 14-10. Lotz of D, the Stamps did nothing with a fumble recovery. A scrambling Bridge threw a pick in Q4, no damage. A TD by Mayala with 3 minutes left put the game away, 21-10. BC replied with a TD for 16 but no +2, 21-16. An on-side kick was fielded by the Stamps. They had to punt but they got the ball back from an interception and ran out the clock.

Labour lying git
Far Queue symbol Both the Tories and Labour are promising to restore free TV licences for the over-75s. Typically, the appalling T. Watson is telling the deliberate lie that the Tories killed the perk when he, and everyone else, knows it was the BBbloodyC wot dunnit.

reader comment“If Labour doesn't win the election and O.J.C. doesn't become PM, then Jewish interests will claim it was their success due to withdrawing their support. But they won't be able to prove they had anywhere near that much influence. But hey, it's politics, not real life.” J.M.

tick symbol If you get fired for having an affair with a colleague at work, £21 MILLION as a pay-off from a HUTAgonian purveyor of junk food sounds fairly reasonable.

bullet It had to happen—the government sticking its hand in the pocket of drone fliers for a licence fee.

cross symbol The Grenfell Tower survivors are in real danger of losing any residual sympathy if they get involved in confecting outrage on behalf of Labour party election propaganda.

bullet Smoke from Bonfire Night blazes is expected to take 18-23 weeks to clear from the atmosphere and its sunlight blocking effect is expected to reduce daytime temperatures by 8-13 deg.C over the coming months.

Cheats ever
The Labour-supporting postal union is planning to go on strike during the election campaign in an attempt to delay and invalidate postal votes from supporters of the Conservatives. No one is surprised.
reader comment“Something MI-5 needs to look in to for evidence of the Russians exerting influence?” M.C.

tick symbol The replacement Commons speaker, L. Hoyle, who saw off Captain Underpants and Horrible Harperson, is promising to restore to the job, the dignity which was eroded during the Berko years.

More do-as-I-say
The Xperts have found that private education is a Good Thing, which explains why so many lefty luvvies send their offspring to private schools. Which somehow never get closed down despite all the spouting by Labour MPs. Especially the hypocrites who pretend that private education is a Bad Thing.

bullet The government is cutting some of the cuts in sums paid to the people running local post offices by The Post Office, but not until April.

Virtue flagging?
The NHS is short of cash. Perpetually short of cash. And yet it plans to track blood donations and tell the donor where the blood was used. Which proves that no matter how short of cash the NHS is, some idiot will always come up with a way to waste it on a pointless gimmick.
reader comment“As a blood donor for decades, I never used to bother where my donations went. A totally wacko idea.” C.D.

cross symbol The things ancient luvvies come out with to get noticed now include: "I always carry a knife, especially when I hob with the nobs at the House of Useless Humbuggers."

bullet Tripewriter—what journalists and other scribes used to use before the Confuser Age dawned.

Left-handed favour
As well as the postal union, a rail union is going on strike for a month in December to remind everyone in the south-east of England just how rotten life gets when Labour is in government.
reader comment“Who's next?” A.S.
reader comment“The strike is over driver-only trains, which are safe to operate, but the union sees only the loss of income from subscriptions if guards are no longer needed. That's a threat to the living standards of its officers.” O.G.

Another no-no
The government of China has joined the long list of agitators who are trying to create no-go areas @ universities. Criticism of the oppressive communist regime there is seen as being as heinous as wearing a sombrero or clapping hands.

Far Queue symbol The EbloodyU is so desperate to klingon to the cash which it screws out of the UK that the bosses are prepared to rubbish the O.J. Corbynski Brexit plan, which is 'naive and unrealistic and never going to happen'.

Greenhouse GhretaEverywhere . . . all the timeGreenhouse Ghreta
Greenhouse Grrreta is to have herself cloned so that she can establish a presence in every major city where global warming fraudsters junket.
    The object of the exercise is to let her avoid the need to travel so that she can claim carbon-neutral virtue points when she does a whinge at the rotten 'uman bloody race for stealing her future, ect., ect., when the mood takes her.
reader comment“Greenhouse Grrrrrreta should lead the Xtinction rent-a-mob in Delhi? No, she should keep on walking to Beijing and see where it gets her.” C.W.
reader comment“Just think how lucky Grrrrreta is not to have been around when the Monty Python crew were lampooning the world's eccentrics.” E.I.

Far Queue symbol Corbynski's Biggest Election Lie (thus far) is that the B. Johnson trade deal with the US will add £500 MILLION/week to the NHS drug bill.

bullet Drinking coffee prevents liver cancer, the Xperts reckon. Hooray!

reader comment“Today's rain—is it from a storm with a cute name or is it just ordinary rain-type rain? Only it's impossible to tell the difference without a clue from the Xperts.” R.W.

We've had more than enough of YOU, mate!
It's hardly an election calamity for Labour if someone as tainted as Corbynski's appalling deputy T. Watson quits before he's sacked. It's just one small step on a long, long road toward something resembling decency.
reader comment“If Watson is supposed to be a 'moderate', you can imagine how vicious the lick-his-boots Corbynnies get.” D.F.

Far Queue symbol There appears to be a blackened thread of dishonesty running through the veganist cult if they are prepared to pay £1.75 to pretend to be eating a pork pie.

Ultimate vanishing trick
It's really Xtreme and you'd have to be really desperate to do it, but if you do a John Stonehouse and leave your clothes on a beach and arrange for one of your hands to be found in a shark's stomach, it's possible to get yourself declared legally dead.
reader comment“Alternatively, you could bribe/blackmail/intimidate the people @ the forensic laboratory into identifying someone else's hand as yours. Once it's been cremated, there's just a paper trail left rather than physical evidence.” H.P.

Well off-target judgement
Are sharks actually 'vicious' predators or are they just carnivorous animals which eat anything that crosses their path? Maybe they're really quite sensitive souls and they're maligned because they lack the capacity to say, "Sorry, mate!" before they bite your head off.
reader comment“Vicious or compassionate, you're just as dead by the time the predator has finished with you.” D.A.

 WEEK 2 

 
Drainage crisis, but only a small one
Romiley is full of puddles but there is no danger of the River Rom bursting its banks—that's official!

Painless politics
reader comment“About the only good thing about this election is how little time you need to waste on it if you know that everything you hear from Labour is a lie and everything from the Liberals is bollocks. And everything from the BBC is Labour propaganda.” C.M.X.

The Zombie Agenda
zombie humbug According to Wee Burney, "A vote for the SNP is a vote to stop Brexit by any means possible, a vote to keep the UK in the EbloodyU with a zombie Labour Corbynski regime and a vote to take Scotland out of the UK and therefore out of the EbloodyU."
   Vindictive or what!

bullet E-ciggies are not safe. They harden the arteries and increase blood pressure, and the Xperts reckon they are not a safe recreational indulgence.

reader comment“The latest revelation about national habits is that Britons borrow £330 MILLION every day. Who's the dodgy bastard who borrows £660 MILLION on the days when I have a day off?” R.W.

bullet The NHS is gearing up to provide unhappy A&E experiences for 1 MILLION winter customers—official!

bullet Surprise! Apes made the transition to humanoids in Europe 12 million years ago, not in Africa 6 million years ago, the Xperts now reckon.

Dig a hole . . .
tick symbol The High Court has ruled that Xtinctionists have a divine right to get in everyone else's way and they are entitled to compenbloodysation from the police if arrested for making a nuisance of themselves. Which means that they will have cash to pay compensation to everyone who was inconvenienced by their antics and they are fair game for retaliation if protesting is outwith the law. Good!
reader comment“I think that 'surprise' is rather misplaced. It's typical of the current attitude of the judiciary towards bad behaviour. The worse it gets, the more they bust a gut to condone it to show how right-bloody-on and anti-Conservative they are.” N.T.

bullet Put seaweed sprinkles on chips instead of salt as the next fad-of-the-day? No substitute for a good shake of balsamic vinegar.

Get tougher
All the manufacturers of pink breast cancer stuff had better watch out. There's a rival in town who thinks that pink is much too fluffy for cancer. The business world waits eagerly to find out which colour the new player will pick.

None but the Good is Unconstitutional
"Are only Saints allowed to stand for Parliament or can we sneak in the odd Scumbag?" the Labour party is asking the electorate. 'Which we have a 'uman bluddy right to do' is implied.
reader comment“Nobody can complain if a Labour election candidate wants Tony B. Liar to come to a sticky end as it infringes the wisher's 'uman bluddy right to freedom of Xpression.” J.A.G.
[This from a writer who gave Smug Bugger a sticky end in one of his books. Ed.]

Mindless 1
Mindless 2

Wow, gosh! Panic!! The average Brit drinks 108 bottles of wine per year!! Panic!!! We’re all doomed!!
Hang on, that's two bottles per week and only a glass a day. Which is not any sort of big deal, no matter what the wibble mongers would have us believe.

cross symbol The appalling T. Watson is stepping down as an MP for personal rather than political reasons. Translation: he wants a peerage.
reader comment“Whatever his motive, we can be sure the appalling Watson is working on feathering his nest even more at everyone else's expense.” A.S.
reader comment“In his own words, he is as close to evil as any politician can get, as the blessed Little John reminds us.” M.R.

cross symbol Bad news, Comrades. Xmas has been cancelled because of Brexit. People are experiencing such high levels of frustration because of it that they can't concentrate on planning for the Festering Season.

More passing off
When did the BBC get the right to stick extra female characters in an 'adaptation' of a literary classic? We must have dozed off on the day when it was granted.

More empire-building by McRon
The French are trying to abolish NATO and put the blame on the United States. On the agenda as an alternative is a Franco-Deutsch EbloodyU army with a major share of the facilities and cash going to . . . France.

More passing off
Computer-generated cartoons of the dead actor J. Dean are to become the co-star 'lead' in a film set in the Vietnam war era. Rumours that cartoons of Marilyn Monroe will also be included in the epic have been swatted with a rolled-up newspaper.
reader comment“Could happen in some other epic, though. Why bother with today's midgets when you can make cartoons of genuine celebs do anything you want? And you don't even have to pay them.” N.C.
reader comment“If a supermarket can turn a clip from the film Casablanca into an advertising puff for its credit card . . . why not?” R.W.

Goose him off the busHow do you gee up a dismally dull political party leader? Goose the bugger off the bus! —>

bullet All references to Anglo-Saxons should be banned from now on! Some pissant control-freak in action or a valid contribution to historical accuracy? Maybe we should have a referendum on it.

bullet 'Knickers row' man quits safe seat bid. The outrage confection trade sinks to a new low.

tick symbol One good thing about Brexit is that it is preventing house prices from zooming to more insane levels than they are at now, and keeping them affordable for a few of the many. And it's keeping mortgage rates low, too.

bullet The race is on to cram a month's rain into the lowest number of hours below 24. The Guinness Book of Records is standing by, awaiting the phone call . . .

There is no reality any more, just unending weirdness
We—even we—are starting to get the feeling that this propaganda campaign about anti-Semitism in the Corbynny wing of the Labour party has reached paranoia and is now heading off towards the horizon, screaming its crazy head off.
    If the Scottish Gnats do hand O.J. the keys to 10 Downing Street, does anyone in their right mind really think that his first move in office will be to go round and shoot every Jew in the country and confiscate their assets? Or get his gang to do it?
    See the comment about the number of people in their right mind above.

More weirdness
If the Oscars are reduced to a single best actor category, instead of best male and best female as at present, the Oscar statuette will have to go. Maybe to be replaced by a fluffy bunny of indeterminate orientation. Or better, a panda as they are supposed to be impossible to sex without resorting to DNA analysis.
reader comment“If they do have a best performer award, you can be bloody sure that by some miracle, the number of male and female winners will end up balanced.” R.W.
reader comment“Same with the awkward sods who can't, or won't, reveal which sex they are. (or aren't)” G.M.

Far Queue symbol Anyone surprised that Ryanair, the world's least favourite airline, has also been voted the muckiest? Nope?

More perks for the unworthy
The defence of justifiable assault is to be removed from Scots law following complaints by MSPs, who are frequently smacked by constituents as an expression of the frustration generated by a particularly bone-headed action by someone on the public payroll.

Legal swindle frustrated
A prisoner in the United States tried to claim that he completed his life sentence when he 'died' whilst receiving emergency medical treatment in 2015. Alas, the judge refused to accept that the prisoner's heart stopping for a while and then being restarted constituted legal death. So his brief will have to come up with another fairy tale.

0/10 for Imagination
Do we really need yet another adaptation [or buggering about with, Ed.] something as well known as H.G. Wells' The War of the Worlds? Shame the BBC couldn't blow its perforce licence payers' cash on something good and original.

Far Queue symbol The head of the People's Vote campaign for another EbloodyU membership referendum has been dumped over People's Grope allegations by female staff members.

“Equality, but not as we know it, Jim.”
'Mansplaining' is clearly a sexist term confected to cause offence with a slight touch of humour. But 'whitesplaining' is just a racialist taunt intended to cause offence. But if the person using the latter offending term is female and non-white, and a baroness to boot [or one needing a boot up the backside, Ed,], she's allowed to get away with it.
reader comment“That's the thing about members of the ASAMEAOX Tendency who have failed to grasp English culture; they think they're entitled, especially to be paid as much as Gary bloody Lineker even if they've never scored a single goal in a football international match.” T.W.

CFL logo Crossover Sunday, the Eskimos in Montreal and Harris is back. The Esks' opener had a fumble ruling cancelled on review and went on to a TD for Gable. Their next possession ended in a punt for a rouge, 8-0. The Als got moving and ended the quarter at the EE 4. Stanback in for a TD in Q2, 8-7.
    Gable was shoved in to the MTL goal for 15-7. Alford took the kick off through Swiss cheese for a TD, the convert missed, 15-13. The Esks made a 3rd & 1 to their 51; just! Lots of Ellingson and a TD pass to McCarty, 22-13. Adams fired a huge pass to Bray, Stanback finished off the drive, no +2, 22-19. A 43 yard FG from Whyte made it 25-19 at half time.
    The Esks kicked another FG from their Q3 opener, 28-19. A pick by Johnson stopped the Als. The Esks were blitzed to a FG after 10 minutes, 31-19. The Als replied with a FG after losing a pathetic roughing the passer challenge. 31-22. The Esks kicked another FG in Q4, 34-22. The first sack of the match made the Als punt.
    An immediate pick by the Als set up a TD for Adams, 34-29, 8 minutes left. We got an exchange of sacks and lots of D. Another pick by Johnson gave the Esks the ball with 1:36 left. They kicked a FG when the Als failed to jump on 3rd & 1 at their 29, 37-29. 1:02 left. Johnson intercepted a jump ball fired by Adams, the end.
    Why not the crossover team?

cross symbol Using the official guestimated figure for saving Scotland from climate change as a baseline, it will cost £3,200 BILLION to do the same for the whole of the UK, and the impact on the planet's climate will be immeasurably small.

bullet Glasgow City Council has launched an ambitious programme to prove that every building, monument, famous citizen and invention made there was funded by the slave trade.

Parasites' Progress explained
The Republicans in the US, like the Conservatives here, want a low-tax economy to let people enjoy their earnings. The Democrats, like Labour and the minor parties here, want high taxes so that they can get rich by skimming cash from the other people's money that they distribute to their clients. As for the EbloodyU.

More Green 'n' Gold Action
The Carolina Panthers visited Green Bay and Moore scored a TD from their 2nd possession. GB replied with a TD from Jones, 7-all after 12 minutes. The Panthers went ahead with a FG. The Pack forced & recovered a fumble near midfield in the 3rd minute of Q2. What a catch by Adams! Jones again, 10-14.
    The snow was getting more visible. The Panthers were sacked out of FG range with 5 minutes left. GB got the benefit of a bad penalty to make up for one inflicted on the Pack earlier, Graham went 48 yards to the CP 26, not quite a TD for him. With 2 seconds left in the half, the Pack went for a TD from the CP 1 instead of kicking a FG and got stuffed.
    The CP opened Q3 with a sack but Adams was wide open on 2nd & 26. Jones sprinted to the CP 25, and went in for a TD, 10-21. The CP survived a fumble but not a pick in the GB goal. The Pack reached FG range and no more. A kick by Crosby missed but a penalty on the Panthers gave him another go, 10-24.
    The Panthers reached the red zone in Q4, McCaffrey scored a TD, no +2, 16-24, 12 minutes left, the snow looking heavier but not landing. The next CP effort was sacked to a punt. Lots of D. The Panthers ended up with 2½ minutes to go 90 yards and score a TD + 2 to draw level. The grass was going white and the footing was treacherous.
    The snow worsened into a white-out. There's a rumour going round that the Pack held on for a home win and the Panthers were held inches short of making a 4th down near the GB goal line.
   Not a brilliant night for the Zebras; maybe as many bad decisions as good ones.

Far Queue symbol Is ex-PM Dave the Leader likely to be troubled by being called fat-headed by a clown like the disgraced D. Mellor? It's unlikely.

Cross-eyed politicsCross-eyed politics
The Greens and the confused keep banging on about insulating homes. But if we're in peril from global warming, shouldn't they be agitating for retrofitting homes with huge cooling fins to shed heat and prevent the occupants from melting? Typical arse-about-face politics from people who don't think things through.
reader comment“Floods in Yorkshire are a national emergency? Such daftness could come only from the loopy Liberal leader.” D.S.

tick symbol Nigel Farage is being love-bombed from all directions by people urging him to make Brexit happen by not getting in Boris's way. Thus far, he has agreed not to field candidates from his party in the 317 constituencies which the Conservatives won after TheRazor's disastrous last effort. Will he go further? The nation awaits his decision anxiously.

bullet The NHS is facing a new crisis; damage to legs caused by bursting/leaking hot water bottles, and also by over-exposure to them.

Far Queue symbol Bolivia's socialist pres-4-life has been forced to stand down after international observers found him guilty of fixing last month's election. O.J. Corbynski is downcast by the downfall of a fellow lefty who was too obvious in his swindling, and outraged that justice was applied to him.

Anyone with juice listening, though?
US general D. Petraeus (retired) has come out against the corrupt politicians and legal vultures who are creating imaginary war crimes for fun and profit. We're getting more noises in this vein on this side of the Atlantic, but precious little in the way of action to end the abuse.
reader comment“War biz is great biz for crooks and hypocrites and lefty pals of terrorists. ” G.C.
reader comment“Talking about hypocrites, we get all the sad faces parading on Remembrance Day; unless they were trapped by floods like O.J.; and then they turn their back again on persecuted ex-soldiers.” C.M.

cross symbol Some shops are banning Xmas songs to spare their staff the ordeal of having to listen to the same bloody stuff over and over for hours on end.

CFL logo It was dead cold in Calgary for the Western semi-final between the Blue Bombers and the Stampeders, and not all of the snow had been swept off the pitch. No sign that the sun was melting it!
    47 yards for DPI put the CS at the BB 5, 3rd & 1 & goal; TD for Begelton. Lots of D then Mitchell was picked by Jones in the last minute of Q1 at the BB 7. Collards to Adams to the 41 but a punt in Q2. Jeffcoat forced a safety to open the BB account, 2-7. Medlock added a FG, 5-7. Lots of D. A 53 yard punt return by Jerome set up another TD for Begelton. Medlock kicked a 52 yarder to close the half at 8-14.
    A 33-yard TD for Demski in the 6th minute of Q3 put the BB 15-14 ahead. The BB ended the quarter in FG range, Medlock again in Q4, 18-14. Almost a lost ball from a BB punt return, saved by no yards on the Stamps. Collards to Adams, 71 yards for a TD, 25-14 after 4 minutes. Taylor took a pick to the CS 34, Medlock put a FG through off the right post, 28-14, 7 minutes left.
    Maston stopped the Stamps with a pick, +15 yards for roughhousing. Streveler came on for a dive in to the goal, 35-14 and the normally mighty Stampeders looking like losing at home!!!! They woke up a bit, but went out on a 3rd & 1. The Bombers ate clock with Streveler in charge and booked a place in the Western final @ Regina.

tick symbol Good news! The UK isn't going into a technical recession. That's bound to make an absolutely HUGE difference to everyone's life. [Or not. Ed.]

tick symbol The Xperts have calculated that J. Corbynski's lunatic fiscal policies would dig a hole in Britain's finances in just ONE YEAR which would be even huger than the one dug by Gordon F. Broon in 13 YEARS of Labour misrule.

Stand-up Politics?
All this stuff Labour is coming out with—ban the rich, ban private schools, dish out more cash to their clients than there is in the whole world . . . One does get the distinct feeling that they don't expect to win the election and they are just taking the opportunity to take the piss out of the whole thing.
reader comment“It certainly explains why O.J. is tossing around promises to spend BILLIONs of imaginary cash after he's expelled all the rich people. And trying to weaponize the floods in Yorkshire, where Labour local councils are doing nowt.” N.T.
reader comment“And why his stooges are already setting up Russian hackers as their alibi for losing.” R.W.

Over & out
GPs are demanding an end to home visits; they don't have time to do them. In future, patients who are too infirm to struggle to their GP's surgery will be expected to do the NHS a favour (and the decent thing) and croak quietly and quicky.

bullet The Chinese government seems to be a tad confused. The demonstrators in Hong Kong are not enemies of the people, they are the people.
reader comment“Same story in Spain, where Catalan separatists are blocking traffic trying to travel to and from France to protest against the sending to gaol of their political leaders by the communist regime in Madrid.” G.F.

Yet another way to spend other people's cash
The latest 'uman bluddy right the Xperts want to impose on a generally reluctant to be messed about nation is a right to mess about on the internet—free of charge, if necessary. [i.e. at other people's expense. Ed.]
reader comment“What we need is a box to put Xperts like this in. A bloody big one.” F.T.

The next lie?
Venice has been flooded as seriously as parts of Yorkshire after its defences were overwhelmed by a particularly high tide. We are now waiting for O.J. Corbynski to blame it on Tory cuts—and not mention that the cuts were necessary to repair the damage created by the last Labour government, which will look trivial compared to what a Corbynski Labour government will inflict on its customers.

Inaction Rulz, not OK
The strategy of the Metropolitan police and other forces for dealing with the fall-out from their persecution of top people and celebrities falsely accused by fantasists is to sit on their hands and do nothing until all of their victims are dead.
    Then, they will continue to sit on their hands and do nothing until all of the police officers who perverted the course of justice are dead.
    And then they will continue to sit on their hands and do nothing.

Salvation postponed
The anti-transport lobby has come up with another scare story—mining the ocean floor for mineral nodules, especially the ones rich in cobalt, to make batteries for electric cars will 'damage' the life forms on the ocean floor. Maybe.
    Translation: hand over lots of cash so we can lark about on the ocean floor, looking at what's there, and in the meantime, everyone else can go on planting lots of trees and pretending that will save The Planet from gorbal warming.

The swindle goes on
The alleged review of the cost & benefits of H2S has been condemned as hogwash and exposed as a Bremoaner-style stitch up by co-author Lord Berkeley.
    The 'independents' doing the review are mostly supporters of H2S who have no problem with ignoring inconvenient evidence that the final cost will be well over £100 BILLION and over 3x greater than the original budget of £32 BILLION. Also, the potentially beneficial bits of the extension to the rail network won't open until 2040.

bullet The Notional Truss is offering artificial cream teas to the veganist cult. No doubt bamboo sausages and bamboo mince pies will also be on offer on the menu; at a suitably fancy price.

cross symbol Putin the Poisoner has another string to his bow—anyone who stands up to him goes out of an upper-floor window. Clearly, something inspired by the Defenestration of Prague rather than anything original. We can only hope that it doesn't inspire another Thirty Years' War. Which is likely to drag on for a couple of centuries thanks to four centuries of inflation.
reader comment“What the world needs is a new tag for Vlad to take recognition of this sideline.” N.K.
reader comment“Putin the Projector?” V.I.
reader comment“Vlad the Vexilologist—a word currently without a dictionary definition and available to have one assigned to it.” J.D.
reader comment“Not a bad idea. Vexillology with a double-l is the study of flags and that's what a lot of Vlad's victims end up getting a chance to study at close quarters—flagstones.” K.D.

Far Queue symbol O.J. Corbynski thinks the latest dead Daesh leader should have been captured alive. [No strategy offered for coping with a nutter wearing a suicide vest. Ed.] So that O.J. could have offered him tea on the terrace of the House of Useless Humbugs? The scummier the bag, the more eager O.J. is to shake its hand.
reader comment“This just confirms what has been said about him. O.J. knows he's unelectable, he knows he's heading for the dustbin of history and he's just taking the piss while he has the chance.” J.D.

Self-inflicted chaos
If the courts are underfunded, undermanned and under pressure, it's because they waste time and money on stoopid complaints from badly behaved foreigners, who eat smelly eggs on public transport and create a public nuisance, and then are encouraged by idiots in the police and the CPS.

Damage in a different way
Far Queue symbol The Xperts have decided that the vaping craze will do in the heart, lungs and brain of the kids who fall for it. But if they are all doomed to become zombies, and go Xtinct in 2030, it probably doesn't matter that much.

reader comment“The truth about Labour's alleged hack attack is that the bad guys strolled in to their files, found a confused mess and no substance, and strolled right out again feeling they'd wasted their time.” T.W.

 WEEK 3 

 
Far Queue symbol 71% of Labour candidates for the coming general election don't think O.J. Corbynski is a fit and proper person to lead the party but they're prepared to pretend that he is to get their noses into the Westmonster trough.

Far Queue symbol Manufacturers of yoghurt are using EbloodyU language to try to distract customers' attention from a blatant swindle. Offering 10% less product @ an unchanged price is 'harmonization' rather than a cynical rip-off.

A fantasy which won't wreak havoc
The government and the Daily Mail are going to plant 1.5 zillion trees under the illusion that it will save the world from gorbal warming. The notion is total bollux, but fairly harmless compared to some of the looney ideas the serious global warming fraudsters are selling.

Bring on the robots and bin the bloody useless ’umans
What the world really needs right away is A.I. systems which can take over from GPs, who are turning into stroppy jobsworths, who won't lift a finger and do something unless it is specified in full in their inflated contract of employment.

bullet Women are happier to talk to strangers about sex than their pay, a BBC one reckons. Presumably, because it's easier to get away with lies about the former than the latter.

Major Not Me, Gov
The mayor of Venice has come up with the ultimate excuse for not taking responsibility for the flooding of his job. He reckons it's down to climate change and nothing to do with the botched, corruption-riddled tidal defence project, which was launched 2003 and is now rusting quietly whilst the spivs argue endlessly over it.

cross symbol Germans who don't want their children to be vaccinated against measles can pay an avoidance fee of €2,500 when a new compulsory vaccination law comes into force next March. Unvaccinated kids will not be allowed to attend state schools.

bottle of boozereader comment“Is putting up with a bit of routine anti-Semitism a price worth paying for free broadband in 2030, a country which will be full of interesting immigrants and terrorist fugitives from all over the world and free of rich people and their embarrassing wealth, a National Dole paid to Everyone!!, and instant access to the full range of NHS treatments on demand? Let the people choose.” J.M.
reader comment“None of this will happen during the first term of an O.J. Labour regime, but you're not supposed to notice that.” R.W.

Far Queue symbol The BBC is helping the Chinese firm Wahwey to sell its products in the UK, unconcerned by its client's the sinister links to the Chinese government.

Motorists are getting no mercy, though
The legal system in Britain is doing its bit to abolish crime as shown by a 2% drop in the number of criminal suspects taken to trial in the year ending with June 2019. The Ministry of Justice's campaign to strike fear into the hearts of law-abiding citizens is going from success to success.

Put the blame where it belongs
Spivs building houses on flood plains, councils letting them against the advice of the 2 sensible people at the Environment Agency and idiots buying the houses is nothing to do with gorbal warming and everything to do with negligence by local and national government, which have failed for decades to put in place adequate building regulations and enforce them.
    Despite the current crap from O.J. and his buddies, Labour has nothing to boast about in this area.

In division is strength
Compulsive shopping on the internet is to be declared a mental disorder in its own right to allow shrinks working in this area to form their own society with notepaper different from that used by shrinks who treat compulsive shoppers who make their purchases in actual shops.
reader comment“Another part of the campaign to create a blame-free society in which no one is ever responsible for their own failings and daftness.” A.L.

laughing manAnother zombie struts his stuff
Clearly, Labour's Chancellor wannabe has read the runes and, like O.J., realized that he has no chance of a billet in Downing Street. Thus, like O.J., he has descended to extracting the wee-wee by claiming that he'd grab BT and other broadband providers, tax the hell out of Gooble and give all of his customers free broadband. Maybe.

bullet The Paris police used tear gas when Yellow Vest Pests resumed making trouble. Something our wimpy police here would never do to Xtinctionist Pests. Useless bunch!
bullet This will really thrill the Scottish Tourist Board—recording video in a public place is now a criminal offence there!

bullet We can't wait to hear how those students in Bolton managed to set fire to their residential block.

bulletQ: What do you get if you wear fingerless gloves in cold weather?
bulletA: Chilblains on the exposed bits of your fingers coz that's the way the world works.

cross symbol What's the difference between 87.61% and 87.14%? Just about bugger all in the real world but it can be used to 'proove'** that state-run academies get more kids than fee-paying schools into universities.
[** the 'proof' is as bad as the spelling. Ed.]

Daft enuf to happen
Next up from Labour—a pledge to do something about the 8 million people living on their own in Britain? Such as billeting a couple of bogus refugees with them?

In the event of sonic attack . . . or not
The Xperts have concluded that the epidemics of headaches, nausea and memory loss experience by staff @ the US and Canadian embassies on Cuba in 2014 were not caused by a secret Russian sonic weapon. The alleged Havana Syndrome was nothing more than good old self-amplifying mass hysteria.

A nation trembles .. .
The staff of the firm which produces chilled dips are threatening to go on strike and cause Xmas party chaos.
reader comment“On the other hand, guests might get something decent as the host's alternative.” F.S.

Bash, Riot, Kerching!!!
Ripping an NFL quarterback's helmet off and hitting him with it is worth an indefinite suspension (at least to the end of the current season), as the Cleveland Browns' defensive end M. Garrett found after doing it to the Steelers' QB, M. Rudolph, during this week's Thursday Night Football.
    It is also a nice little earner for the League, which will collect half a million bucks from the teams, plus any fines levied on the players who joined in the riot triggered by the crude assault. The teams will be able to raise some cash toward their fines by sticking some on their players, but nothing like the NFL's grab.

zombie humbugreader comment“Corbyn's Election Goodies Crap is just another political smoke enema.” T.J.
[A fashionable way to consume tobacco among people with more money than sense in the 19th century, something which gave birth to the 20th century fad for pointless colonic irrigation. Ed.]

cross symbol Labour will plant twice as many trees as the Tories and the Liberals will plant a dozen times more trees than everyone else put together. And all the parties will claim that it was their trees which saved The Planet from the terrors of gorbal warming.

Dishonesty by exaggeration and omission
The tree-planters are trying to score more bonus virtue points than they deserve by deliberately obscuring the difference between a purely local micro-climate effect and the global climate. They're also presenting planting trees as an instant solution, ignoring the years and years that trees take to grow to a reasonable size.

Far Queue symbol What's the best way of describing J. McDonnell's financial plans? It's like someone stealing a boat to offer free trips round the lighthouse then shooting holes in the bottom of the boat as it sets sail.

reader comment“If you take Corbyn's age, add 4 and reverse the total, you get 47, which is The Number of the Beast. This cannot be a coincidence.” R.W.

More jobs for jobsworths
No doubt the police who are said to be 'assessing' the claims of peerages offered to Brexit party members to get them out of the Tories way [by mysterious backstage characters, Ed.] will be from the redundant Nick the Fantasist Squad, which has lost its purpose in life. No doubt they will be showing their famed capacity for credulousness and lack of due diligence in this new role.

Far Queue symbol The Liberal candidate is the best choice to be the next MP here . . . sez the Liberal candidate. So not exactly honest and unbiased information.

cross symbol It could be that the Scottish Gnats are so keen on independence because they want to reduce scrutiny of their failings. If the Scots are no longer in the UK, English taxpayers won't be funding justice, education, the NHS, transport, and everything else north of the border, and not bothered if the SNP is making a bog of them.

CFL logoWhy not the crossover team?
On Golden Sunday, the Eskimos arrived in Hamilton for the East Semi. Their opening drive ended in a pick and a challenge for DPI gave the Cats a FG. Then Gable fumbled the ball away. The Cats converted 3rd & 2 & goal to a TD for Watford, 0-10. They were stopped at the EE 1 and kicked a FG, 0-13.
   A walk-in TD for Daniels in Q2 was matched by a 45 yard TD pass to Speedy B, 7-20. The Esks kicked a FG after 10 minutes and another in the last minute of the half. 30 seconds on the clock; the Cats were sacked to a FG and 13-23 at half time.
    A pick by the Esks stopped the Cats in Q3 but they had to give up a safety for field position, 13-25. Another FG for the Cats, one back for the Esks in Q4, 16-28. Watford replaced Evans for another short TC TD, 16-35, game over in the 9th minute. 16-36 final after the Cats got a rouge from a punt.
   Why not the crossover team? Because the Universe hates us or because the Cats are too bloody good on their home ground at the moment.

It's all that Daniel Defoe’s fault for not having a time machine
Surprise! Some Scottish academic thinks Robinson Crusoe should be rewrotten with a female lead because Crusoe is too much a man of his times and doesn't reflect modern fads like diversity and wimpism.

reader comment“If the people want politicians to explain their policies, the worst way to do it is via a slanging match of party leaders in a BBC or ITV bear pit.” D.B.
reader comment“Especially with the inevitable pro-Labour 'moderator' as well.” M.V.

bullet If all the time spent checking credit scores for opportunities go to in to the red were put to some useful use, the human race might achieve something useful before it goes Xtinct in 2030.

CFL logo Next, the Blue Bombers up for the Western Final in Regina, where the Roughriders were sacked to a punt for a rouge. They fumbled away a punt return but sacked the Bombers to 2 & FG, 3-1. A 66-yard pass to Adams got +15 for roughing Collards and the BB went on to a TD for Lawler, 10-1 after 14 minutes.
    Lots of D in Q2 but the Riders got to FG range with 4 minutes to go. And that's all they got. The BB got a rouge from a punt, 11-4 at half time. Another huge pass by Collards in Q3 found Demski; just a FG for the BB in the 9th minute. One back for the RR after 8 minutes, 14-7. The BB were sacked to a FG at the end of the quarter, 17-7.
    The Riders got to the BB 1 in Q4, FG, 17-10. Both teams zoomed to FG range and stalled, 20-13. The Riders were stopped on a 3rd & 1 & goal with 2:14 left. The BB punted. Fajardo fumbled the ball away when sacked and the BB win? Ruled an incomplete pass. 3rd & goal from the 8, Fajardo's pass to the end zone bounced off the crossbar of the posts!
   It was that sort of day for the Riders; they were always close but they never really looked like winning except by some miracle. Much like the poor old Eskimos.

End of term larking about
The shouty bloke going nuts about someone overtaking for 12th place in the Brazilian GP wasn't going to fool anyone. Formula One left it very late before things got interesting and only the die-hards would have been still awake to see the usual suspects wiped out.
    Bottas retired making smoke and the field was bunched by a safety car. Then Vettel crashed out his team mate and himself to let Mercedes call Hamilton into the pits for tyres and make sure he didn't finish on the podium. And when Hamilton had the temerity to shunt his way up to 3rd, he collected a penalty which dropped him to 7th.
    Not exactly motor sport but certainly something different from the usual run of things.

That automated phone call . . .
The Mastercard & Visa security department of 'your bank' (not named) scammers are having another go at Romiley this week with their bogus message about £600 sent from your account to an unspecified foreign country.

Clouds & Cuckoos
Labour is promising everyone £123 BILLION of freebies. No word on where the cash is coming from, though, if O.J. abolishes the rich and destroys all the wealth-creating industries by putting them on a two-day week.
reader comment“Maybe his mates in the EbloodyU will lend it to him in return for a few bungs before it runs out.” R.W.

cross symbol That ill-considered TV doomcast by Prince Andrew has unleashed a positive luvviefest of name-dropping by people claiming to be on shoulder-rubbing terms with Royals past & present. Are there any left undropped? It's unlikely.

Far Queue symbol Gaolbird J. Assange's tactic of fleeing Sweden to dodge arrest on a rape charge has worked. The Swedish authorities have decided to abandon the case, even though the accusation is "credible and reliable", nine months before the statute of limitations applied.

All Change!
People buying clothes at Lewis' are liable to find the female trying-on rooms full of blokes and the male equivalents full of female refugees from the pervs and weirdos. And all in the name of diversity and gender irrelevance.

The Republic must fall if this can happen!
Far Queue symbol The French Court of Auditors has actually dared to admit that the national rail operator, SNCF, has too many jobsworths and hangers on, and they are being paid too much. Which is a fair smack in the gob for the unions, which are planning to take December off on strike over a raft of imaginary grievances.
   Pay rises at SNCF are currently automatic and based on time served rather than seniority and competence, and end-of-year bonuses are not linked to performance. And the shirkers can retire at 50 on a full pension.
    Riots in the streets of France are expected if the gendarmes are set on rail shirkers with a sense of entitlement when they start causing trouble.

Your ship has sunk, mates
One of the Big accounting firms is abandoning Prince Andrew as an associate 'to protect its reputation' over his association with the gaolhouse murder victim J. Epstein. Which leaves us wondering what reputation?
    None of the Big bunch has a reputation right now for anything other than incompetence after all the scandals and collapses around Big firms, which got involved in scandals and/or went bust while the Big accountants were supposed to be scrutinizing their books.

Far Queue symbol Bets are being laid on how many works of fiction about President Trump by an anonymous alleged insider will appear during his reign. There's another out this week.

Severe overcrowding
Far Queue symbolThe world is bracing itself for revelations from chancers who are going to claim that something Prince Andrew said or did years ago has left them aghast and trembling and scarred for life ever since.
reader comment“Is there going to be enough space in the Far Queue for all these fragile bods or are we going to have to seek planning permission for an extension or even a new one?” P.M.
reader comment“Still, it gives the meejaists, who might be getting fed up of writing political bollux right now, a chance to branch out into confected outrage bollux.” S.D.

Just Bonquers
A Corbynny Labour government will waste a ton of other people's cash on an inquiry into the British Empire [Ghod bless it, Ed.] The inquest can have just two outcomes:
1. Intense frustration for Labour if an honestly conducted inquiry finds that the British Empire was a force for good, which civilized most of the rest of the world and also demolishes the myths which Labour has tried to attach to the British Empire, and
2. Intense frustration for Labour if a dishonest inquiry finds that the British Empire was a Bad Thing as there's nothing Labour can do to change history, lacking an armada of time machines.
reader comment“3. Compensation payments from the British taxpayer to people who will become rich enough to bung a healthy percentage of their undeserved wealth in the direction of the Labour party's coffers.” T.H.

Since when was good sense relevant?
The National Blue Badge Parking Scheme for disabled people is being extended to include people who identify as disabled (even if only to get free parking) as a result of intensive lobbying by the 'uman bluddy rights industry.

Xtended practice
GPs are being ordered to cut short-supply pills in half to make them go further during the present crisis created by reckless regulation. Which conjures up an image of a GP wearing surgical gloves, and a chain-mail glove on the holding hand, hacking away at a mound of pills between customers.

Just too tough?
The NHS is seeking to eliminate the problem of excessive numbers of elderly customers by calculated neglect, not creating drugs which work for oldies and other devious means.
reader comment“And what are the elderly doing in response to this? Not dying in large enough numbers. The bastards!” O.P.
    [FYI, the above Outraged Pensioner is in hiser 70s. Ed.]

Would you like fries with the egg on your face?
Could it actually be possible for motorists who use a phone to pay for a drive-through meal to be charged under currents laws about using pocket phones on roads? As the motorists are not actually on a public road when they're driving through, a CPS clown who tries to bring a prosecution will end up looking really stooopid.

The road to stagnation
If you accept that gender and race and (dis)ability are matters of personal choice, then everything else has to be up for grabs. Before you know it, some wiseguy is going to be using 'uman bluddy rights lawyers to claim he/she/it is eligible for a state pension and the full rate of attendance allowance on leaving school.

Far Queue symbol If elected, 'Moocher' McDonnell, Labour's chancellor wannabe, is planning to wreck big business in Britain as part of his strategy for creating a UK which will make Venezuela look prosperous and well run.

tick symbol The Office for National Sadistics has a plan to rebrand 'three score years and ten' as the age for receiving the state pension in the hope that a fair number of customers will do the decent thing and croak before getting there.

Far Queue symbol The investigators who delved in to the TSB computer melt-down in April 2018 have concluded that it was due to the bank being run by brain-dead foreigners with as little common sense as the average Bremoaner.

Real Xperts on the job
The amazing new strategy on offer to combat flood damage to homes isn't a sensible building plan and a scheme to move people away from flood plains. It's to introduce thousands of beavers into the wild in the hope that their dams will be a more effective water-management tool than the tactics of 'umans in local government and the Environment Agency.

Poor substitute for a routine TV cop show
What exactly was the point of the TV bear-baiting featuring Boris 'n' O.J.? Corbyn made an ass of himself, the PM didn't. And they came out even-steven, according to the exit poll. Which means that they were preaching to the converted and wasting their time.

Not so hot
Despite gorbal warming, the country has shivered through the coldest night of the year under a blanket of freezing fog. How can this be? Unless all the scare stories about Xtinction-driving warming are just old-fashioned wibble.

bulletQ: How much does a Daily Mail planet-saving 'free' tree for Xmas cost?
bulletA: A fiver for delivery—and provide your own pot for the sapling.

bullet Prince Andrew is taking an extended Xmas break from his job as a Royal. In effect, he is abdicating to deprive the wibble mongers and woodwork emergers of an easy target.
reader comment“The old boy must be about old enough to take early retirement with the thanks of a grateful nation by now.” R.W.

Yawn
With the election campaigning having started ages ago, it's difficult to raise any enthusiasm for the manifestos, which are only now starting to emerge.
    The Tories will make everything brilliant. Labour will nationalize everything, tax the squeak out, drive out big business and give its clients huge bonuses. The Liberals will make consumption of cannabis compulsory so that no one will notice what a bog they're making of things.
    Oh, brave new world.
reader comment“O.J. as Prospero and that flaky Lib-Dem woman as Ariel in a zombie pantomime version of The Tempest?” W.S.

cross symbol Labour local councils are adding 17-year-olds to their voting registers without letting them know what has been done. Opening a window for a touch of election fraud in marginal seats?

 WEEK 4 

 
Historical Departures
November 22nd: Today is the 66th anniversary of the death of the author C.S. Lewis. And? Also the death of the author Aldous Huxley. And? Some Yank called Kennedy.

Morally plastic
A poll commissioned by the BBC has concluded that people aspire to high moral values but generally fail to maintain them. The Beeb is using this lack of enduring moral fibre in the nation at large as an excuse for its own crimes against the truth and shameless political bias against the Conservatives.

bullet If you want to be crashed in to, or run over, by a drugged-up driver rather than a drunken one, head for Hereford.

Morally contemptible
Trees in towns are now officially a wonderfully Good Thing as they protect against pollution, promote good health and cut early death rates.
    But the tree lobby is finding itself locked in a war to the death with jobsworths employed by local councils, who feel that their mission in life is to hack down every tree, bush and shrub on bogus 'elf 'n' nazi grounds.

bullet Universities will become safe zones all next week. That's safe from delivering education as the staff will be on strike for more dosh.

Inconvenient historical accuracy
If it were possible to feel sympathy for one of the founders of the Xtinction zombie movement, one might feel a slight twinge for the middle-aged zombie R. Hallan.
    He has lost a book-publishing deal in Germany for daring to suggest that the Nazi campaign of extermination against Jews, Gipsies, homosexuals and others was just one of a long series of genocide campaigns in 'uman history and not a unique event in that history.
    The sucker didn't allow for the strength of the German national guilt trip.

bullet After years of dithering, the Austrian government has decided to convert A. Hitler's birthplace @ Braunau am Inn into a police station. The building was confiscated from the last private owner in 2017 and has been rotting quietly ever since.

Manifesto small print
bullet Labour will set fire to all residential tower blocks to give the occupants victim status.
bullet Everyone called Lily Allen will be required to donate £15 MILLION to Labour party funds.
bullet Labour will introduce an additional marriage tax of 32% of gross income from all sources on those who have opted for a mixed-sex marriage.
bullet Britain will both Leave and Remain in the EbloodyU.
bullet Membership of at least three trade unions with compulsory contributions to Labour party funds will be made compulsory.
bullet No Labour supporter may be sent to gaol.
bullet Unlimited abortion on demand
bullet Owning shares will become illegal and all shares will have to be surrendered to the Labour government within 10 days of its taking office.
bullet All public service staff, including MPs, will receive a 5% annual service bonus in addition to any other pay awards.
bullet Free Movement will become compulsory. Everyone will be required to buy a motor-caravan, park it somewhere nice and remain there until the place has been turned into a refuse tip.
bullet The voting age will be reduced to 12.
bullet Any mention of Semitism or anti-Semitism will become illegal.
reader comment“The Corbyn Manifesto of Doom just confirms what everyone suspected—he knows he has no chance of winning the election and he's just taking the piss while he can.” R.W.

CFL logo


 
The ancient bods who were Duran Duran could well be asking the ancient Prince Edward the same question!
 


bullet The demand for skins from donkeys for use in the Chinese alternative to medicine is expected to drive the creatures into Xtinction by 2030, along with the Xtinction zombies.

tick symbol J. Corbynski has come down on the side of a referendum on whether there should be another Brexit referendum—but he reserves the right to change his mind if the political wind changes.

bulletQ: What do you get if you place a football-related bet online or @ a high street bookie?
bulletA: Swindled.

cross symbol J. Corbynski is promising to steal everything whether or not it's nailed down, but he has slipped up big time. O.J. has failed to add facilitating free movement by creating an army of pothole fillers to make the 49% of British roads that are crumbling driveable upon again.
reader comment“If no one will be able to afford a car or a van under a Labour government, the demand for road space will drop dramatically and existing pothole budgets will be more than adequate to repair the roads used by free-for-all buses.” R.W.

Far Queue symbol GPs vote to ban home visits**. Medical trade becomes as unloved as lawyers, MPs and hack journalists.
reader comment“If you're 90 years old and in poor health, don't expect to see a GP when you need one. Do expect to be given the chance to croak on a trolley in an overcrowded A&E department, however.” D.M. & D.C.
[** If they can break their current contract of business with the government. Ed.]

cross symbol Anyone surprised that the cannabis hemp business run by J. Corbynski's son has gone belly up? No?
reader comment“What sort of dope can't sell dope?” L.D.
reader comment“Maybe Tommy Corbynski was worried that his dad would nationalize the business and steal all the profits.” B.A.

Far Queue symbol Details of sacked SNP leader A. Salmond's alleged demi-decade of Sex Pestism have been published @ the High Court in Edinburgh.

All property is open to theft under Labour
The Labour party is mightily miffed. Its gnomes spent ages ripping off a Coca-Cola Xmas TV ad only to be forced to bin their efforts when Coke took Xception to the theft of intellectual property.

Self-preservation
If you have a Whirlpool brand oven, make bloody sure you're not in the same room when it is goes into self-cleaning mode. The glass door is liable to Xplode ins a shower of hot, sharp shrapnel. Worse, a 'rigorous' inspection by the company will find no fault with the oven.

bulletQ: What do you get when the BBC claims there isn't a Six Chips Maximum policy @ the Broadcasting House canteen?
bulletA: Lots of pictures posted by customers who got only 6 chips with their broccoli and hummush dish-of-the-day.

bullet Prince Andrew is being done over royally and sidelined for consorting with one dead alleged paedophile. Labour's current leadership has consorted with hundreds of actual live (but some now dead) terrorists, and continues to do so, and yet they're still frontlined. How's that for industrial hippocrisy.

bulletQ: What do you get when you hurl two steels balls at unbreakable windows on a new Tesla car at its launch?
bulletA: One new Tesla car with two broken windows and one Tesla founder E. Musk with egg on his mush.

Far Queue symbol What sort of army do we have if a Warrant Officer becomes a total emotional cripple after getting his bum smacked (allegedly) in a washroom?

bullet Wine consumption in Britain is a meagre one bottle per fortnight, according to the latest survey. Before that starts to sound Xceedingly moderate and virtuous, let us remember that surveys have found the average beer consumption to be 32 pints per fortnight.

Cor Binbullet If Labour's canvassers are in short supply in some areas, it's because they are too busy organizing postal votes for unsuspecting students with targetted electoral fraud in mind. Allegedly.
bullet Labour's official response to all the charges of anti-Semitism is that they are news meeja inventions, i.e. wall to wall denial and "Not me, Gov".
bullet Labour's appalling Chancellor wannabe has upset the Green movement by advocating a return of flying pickets. The Greens are accusing him of reckless Xpansion of the party's carbon footprint via all the flying that will be done.

Far Queue symbol A new Charlie's Angels film is a box office flop. This time around, the producers replaced the traditional attractive and smart Angels with a gang of stroppy, homicidal arridans on diversity grounds and the ungrateful film-going public failed to appreciate the gesture. The bastards!
p.s. Poor old Bosley has had to undergo a sex change.

Nothing like Mother Nature for complicating things
The Xperts have grotted all over the idea that dogs age 7x faster than humans. Some of them are middle-aged at 2 years old and the equivalent of 50 at 3 years old. Then the rate of ageing slows considerably until a 10-year-old dog becomes the equivalent of a human of 3 score years & 10.

Another Burney balls-up
Yesterday's Sunday Post cheered us up with another front page tale of lethal neglect @ an NHS hospital run by the same SNP government which is pretending to be competent to run the whole country.
reader comment“It's no advert for the way the NHS in Scotland is run if we know the name of the Health Secretary only because she gets her arse kicked regularly in the newspapers for being useless.” A.B.
reader comment“Same with Police Scotland. All that's good for is covering up cover-ups of shambles.” R.O.

CFL logo Grey Cup 107 in Calgary, the Tigercats vs the Blue Bombers, who picked the Cats' 3rd play but did nothing with it. Evans was sacked and fumbled to the BB at his 15, Harris in for a TD, 0-7. Two shots of Speedy B helped the Cats to a FG, 3-7 after 7 minutes. Medlock missed a FG for a rouge, 3-8. The Cats couldn't make a 3rd & 1 but they managed a 47 yard FG in the first minute of Q2, 6-8.
    The BB were using both QBs. Collards was nearly picked in the TC goal, FG, 6-11. The Cats were sacked to a punt. Harris rushed for 22 yards and caught a TD pass threaded between defenders in the TC goal, 6-18 after 9 minutes. The BB were held to a FG in the last minute of the half for 6-21.
    The BB kicked a FG 4 minutes in to Q3, 6-24. A run by Sutton got the Cats to FG range but they were stuffed on a 3rd & 1. Their next drive got a first down from a fake FG play, on to a TD for Addison, no +2, 12-24 in the 13th minute. The BB kicked a FG at 00 on the clock, 12-27.
    In Q4, more Acklin doing the job of dinged Speedy B, Demski was doing a grand job for the BB, Streveler was dinged and Harris continued to make plays. Bailey had a TD cancelled on review, FG, 12-30 with 6 minutes left. Evans was sacked and fumbled twice; the BB recovered the second @ the TC 24, FG after the 3MW, 12-30. Evans was sacked again and the Cats went out on downs. Time to dunk the BB coach and wait for the final whistle.
    It's 29 years since the gang from Winnipeg last won the Grey Cup!

Andrew Harris, Grey Cup 107
Andrew Harris, Most Outstanding Player, Most Outstanding Canadian

cross symbol 27% of the respondents to a survey claimed that they were concerned about the commercialization of Christmas. Why? As in: Why waste time being bothered about something beyond your capacity to change? And why not redirect the time you're wasting to doing something worthwhile?

reader comment“When is Labour going to promise to compensate the blokes who had to wait to 65 for a pension when wimmin were retiring at 60? Unfairness for the many, not the few?” U.B.

bullet The number of Scots being treated for alcohol abuse keeps going up. So much for the paradise the SNP claims it has created north of the border.

Liberal candidate


“Should I vote for you? You’re a Liberal!”
“Yeah, but I’m kinda cute.”


Vested, Panted and Bloomered interest
"It's all very well for the Pope to denounce the evil of nuclear weapons on a jaunt to Japan. But let us not forget that the number of people killed by nukes is trivial compared to the zillions slaughtered by the Catholic church and other religious fanatics." A.E.S.

bullet Russian travel firms are offering customers with more money than sense a chance to take a holiday in a Syrian war zone.

How weird can academics get?
Two chemistry professors were arrested for making methamphetamine after other members of staff at the university in Arkansas reported smelling a 'chemical odour' coming from their laboratory. Which leaves us wondering what else one would expect to be emanating from a chemistry lab?

More Green 'n' Gold Action
Sunday Nite Football was the Packers in San Francisco, where their first drive ended with a fumble to their 2 and a TD for the 49ers. Another trip to the GB red zone gave the 9ers a FG, 0-10 with 3 minutes to go in Q1. The Pack were stuffed on a 4th & 1 in Q2.
    Their defence sacked SF to a 3rd & 30 & punt. SF kicked a FG with 3 minutes to go, they scored a TD at the start of the final minute and had time to dismiss the Packers and kick a FG for 23-nil at half time with GB lucky to have nil.
    GB got to & goal at the end of Q3. Surprise! A TD for Adams on a reverse and he caught a pass for +2. 8-23. SF went 75 yards in 2 plays for a TD, 8-30. They scored another TD with 5 minutes left in Q4 for a final score of 8-27. Their Dark Ages are over, the comms reckoned, and they are 10-1 and looking like winners. At 8-3, the Packers are looking like runners-up.

Lolly-gosh!
The race is on to provide the Democraps in the US with a billionaire presidential candidate to rival D. Trump. Someone who will offer more credibility and responsibility than the tax 'n' waste liberal usual suspects on offer.
    Meeja mogul B. Loomberg has put himself on offer but he has a reputation for turning his coat and being a Republican, an independent and a Democrap according to how the mood takes him.

Far Queue symbol Veganists are trying to claim that a meat-free diet puts lead in the male pencil. The Xperts have responded with amusement.

Derbyshire deputy chief constable R. SwannInflicted only by yourself, mate!
The deputy chief constable of Derbyshire has the hump over being twitted industrially because of her Xcentric hairstyle. She is unable to accept that other people could find her weird appearance a distraction from taking her seriously.

Honey, but not as we know it, Jim
As a successor to the 2013 horsemeat passed off as beef scandal, the Notional Food Crime Unit is investigating honey, which is full of chemicals from China rather than anything which has been anywhere near a bee. The Tesco chain has been forced to clear its shelves of suspect jars.

Disaster postponed a bit
The Big Challenge for the Labour party has to be how to come up with a credible bribe for everyone. Or enough people to steal a general election win. Their next Big Challenge after a famous victory will be to avoid being lynched by their disappointed customers when they fail to deliver on the bribes.
reader comment“Add up all the bribes and Labour is promising to spend twenty-eight times more than the Conservatives—without telling anyone where the money is coming from. Which kind of suggests that someone is going to go, 'Whoops! Wonky decimal point, got shifted a couple of places. Sorry.' before very long.” R.W.

cross symbol Does anyone but the Chief Rabbi believe that if the Corbynists form a government, they'll start rounding up all the Jews and people who don't share their love for terrorists? Presumably, to dump them in concentration camps in the unimportant areas of England which voted to Leave the EbloodyU. It's victim culture and scaremongering on steroids.

Labour jeans


If Labour wins the election
      EVERYONE
will have to wear jeans like these.


Confused? You’re supposed to be!
Surprise! The Xperts have concluded that 95% of Blak Fliday 'bargains' are swindles with rigged prices to confuse punters. 100% of the responses from the swindlers are turning out to be wibble.

bullet The BBC has decided to stick to tradition and show wall-to-wall repeats over the Festering Season.

bullet It would have been news only if O.J. hadn't backed this week's strikes by teachers at universities.

There’s more to it than carbon dioxide
The atmospheric carbon dioxide content is the same as it was 3-5 million years ago—less than the blink of an eye in geological terms—at around 0.04%. And yet the world is 2-3 deg.C colder than it was back then and sea levels are 30-60 feet lower than they were back then.
    Any danger of a credible explanation? No?

bullet If you want to have an affair with a prison warder as an inmate [screw a screw? Ed.], the best place to do it is HMP Berwyn near Wrexham.

An explanation from an Xpert
Events may be taking the same amount of time by your chronometer as ever they did, but there is more and more interstitial squeezing.
    The intervals between events are dwindling to nothing, and for any resistance we may put up, that crowding of events goes on.
    H.G. Wells, 1942

De-evolution?
Are people at large getting stupider? If they start accepting what goes on in TV dramas (especially those about the Royals) as historically accurate, maybe. Or it could just be a sign that they are just getting lazier and not bothered whether what they 'know' bears any relation to the real world.

The Non-Broadcasting Corporation
The BBC is promoting the concept of 'slow radio' as a money-saving wheeze. Instead of a manic presenter yapping 293 to the dozen, slow radio delivers . . . nothing. Not a sound. Dead air to give the listener a break from having to concentrate on taking in information and think about it. And boy, slow radio is bloody cheap, so more licence-payers' cash for the waxworks in charge.

bullet Pollution from cars causes glaucoma, the Xperts reckon. Maybe. But that's good enuf for the tree-planting lobby to cite it as another benefit of their campaign.

Niche mindset
The BBC's political correctness correspondent is bemoaning the lack of unintelligible regional accents on the Beeb. Here's another Xpert who can't, or won't, grasp the concept of an organization which speaks unto the whole nation in BBC English.

Another Warmist faux panic
The thing about The Planet is that it isn't a static system. Glaciers form and disappear. And one in Switzerland retreating by 2 miles over 150 years is just something that happens naturally, not a sign of the impending End Of The World.
reader comment“The valley where the glacier used to be has filled up with carbon-dioxide-gobbling trees and vegetation. But it's obviously too much to expect the Warmists to notice something so inconvenient to their cause.” R.W.

bullet Teens who get obese on junk food suffer from brain damage, the Xperts have decided, which explains rather a lot.

Far Queue symbol Oh, dear! O.J.'s support for Moslem terrorists has cost Labour the Hindu vote as well as the Jewish vote.
Tax the Many, not the Jew—because there won't be any left to tax if Labour wins.

Far Queue symbol Oh, double dear! O.J. has created his very own Zinoviev Letter out of US preliminary demands for everything before they get serious about trade talks with the next UK government.
reader comment“It's bollux but that's all O.J. has going for him.” T.W.

Not quite yet
You might think O.J. is as bad as a party leader can get (Xcluding Wee Burney), but at least his gophers aren't being questioned by the police over their part in the murder with a car bomb of a journalist who was investigating governmental corruption on Malta.
    But maybe it's just a matter of time . . .

cross symbol The burghers of France are going to have to put up with Do-It-Your-Bloody-Self Month very soon. In December, most of the trade unions will be holding extended strikes; that's transport, teachers, airline staff, the postal system, ect., ect.
    The public sector unions don't want 42 different systems for deciding when people can retire and how much pension they get crunched down into a single national system, which doesn't disadvantage the private sector nearly as much and has reduced capacity for swindles.

No Sugar, Shirley!
British troops would get their arses kicked in a one-on-one conventional war with Russia, a bunch of Xperts has concluded. Not something everyone else was in any doubt about, given the amount of customers' cash the paranoid Russian regime blows on its armed forces.
    Just as well we have nukes, then, and O.J. isn't our president.

reader comment“The blessed Jeremy ain't gonna apologize for nuffink. Deal with it.” D.A.

bullet The Mug Punt of the Day has to be the idea of paying £59 for a 50p coin with a Father Xmas pic on it.

 WEEK 5 

 
pot, kettle, black


“O.J. stands for Old Jeans?
    “Well, we live and learn!”


reader comment“If O.J. really is worth an amazing £3 MILLION, as the news meeja are claiming, then he is obviously not paying enough tax.” L.F.

reader comment“Is it possible to sue the justice system for fraud and passing off? Judges keep imposing ‘life' sentences on heinous criminals and then qualifying it to 17 years, 11 years or whatever. That's a joke compared to the life expectancy of someone in hiser 20s, 30s or 40s.” L.E.

Plus ça change . . .
Back in the 1950s, it was Teddy Boys causing trouble and even wrecking cinemas showing rock 'n' roll films. Now, we have gangsters with machetes doing the same in cinemas showing an urban gangster film. The difference is, the director of the current film playing the race card and, of course, the victim card.

Brown wilderness
The country is soon to be full of the corpses of house plants, which Millennials bought thinking they were saving The Planet, but which croaked when no one remembered to water them.

tick symbol MASPI [Men Against State Pension Inequality]
We're really, really looking forward to the £31,000 compensation we'll get from O.J.

Save the trees
There's a system for slapping unrealistic felling prices on ‘amenity trees' on private properties to discourage the owners from cutting them down. Shame it doesn't also apply to the local councils which are doing their best to de-tree Britain's towns and cities. Maybe if the inflated amenity loss charge were to be imposed on the pockets of the vandalistic council members and officers, though . . .

bullet 73% of people with an Amazon talking tin can experience depression because Lexa sounds so bloody miserable all the time.

pot, kettle, black


reader comment“No wonder the firm run by the Boy Beckham's posh missus is losing zillions of pounds. She's not selling holey jeans to cover up her posh trisers.” F.G.


Let the taxpayer pay so the guilty can go free?
£900,000—the cost to the taxpayer of compensating the former MP H. Procter for the attempt by the police to stitch him up for child abuse in pursuit of the C. ‘Nick' Beech fantasies and for perverting the course of justice whilst doing so.
    PLUS another million or two blown by the Met on its own legal manoeuvring to try to make it all go away?
    It was the threat of putting former Met chief Hulk Hogan Hyphen Howe, and the current incumbent, C. Dick, in the witness box for a humiliation which was what caused the cave-in, apparently.

Self-indulgence, self-inflicted—make the buggers pay?
Oldies are not helping out the NHS, which is now in a state of permanent crisis. This unfortunate condition is not helped by pensioners returning to the druggie habits of their youth, the Xperts reckon, and clogging up A&E departments with zillions of OD cases.
reader comment“Sounds like some vigorous cancelling is needed.” O.S.
[That's as opposed to counselling? Ed.]

Profligacy vs an inability to be parsimonious
The Xperts have concluded that Labour tax plans will hit the many and not just the rich few, and the Tories will end up spending more than they're planning to because that's what they always end up doing.
    Labour's spending splurge is undeliverable, and a Labour government's meddling and nationalization would depress wages and create a genuine depression.

Far Queue symbol Edstone Milipede has joined the list of candidates outed for telling porkies about Brexit.

bullet Who are the real Masters of the Universe and the Oppressors of All? According to an Oxford U. professor, it's those apparently harmless, but secretly smug, characters with a geography degree.
Spoiler: The professor is a ‘social' geographer with a looney left chip the size of a tree trunk on his shoulder.
reader comment“Is a social geographer someone who flits from one foreign freebie to another? C.E.” R.W.

reader comment“Imagine opening a 5-figure bill for your cancer treatment. Imagine paying for giving birth. [Especially if you're not female. Ed.] Imagine paying for having a GP check-up. That's what Corbynski and McDonnell want if you're not a member of a trade union which contributes to Labour's coffers.
    “This making up election scare-story lies is really terribly easy. I wonder if I can find someone eager to pay me to do it? ” N.M.


Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, November MM19 like anyone cares