The last issue ever?
The wife of the new governor of the Bank of England reckons we're all doomed. The planet is going to be wiped out by an attack of rogue tea-bags. So we thought, why bother flogging our guts out, creating something which no one will have time to read because they're all going crazy with the world about to end, an' all?
Our editorial staff have chosen not to sit idly by whilst waiting for the Earth to be smothered by marauding teabags. So here are some of the things that happened during the death throes of a doomed planet . . .
In the meantime, the BFN tea-drinkers are on overtime, trying to consume enough planet-killer tea bags to save humanity. We salute their heroic efforts! [But wonder why they're bothering. Ed.]
Our science correspondent has assured us that the planet is more likely to suffer death at the jaws of a monstrous space-going crocodile than from teabags. But we're not taking any chances.
Whilst we're waiting for the end, everyone has the chance to enjoy the last ever Movie of the Month --------------->
Egg on holy face
+ + + Archbish of Cantab vows to drive payday loan firms out of existence + + + Archbish embarrassed to learn that Church of England has invested in Wonga.com (loans at 6,000% ARP) + + + Archbish still has no strategy for big banks, which charge an APR of 15,000,000% on unauthorized overdrafts + + +
Romiley Wildlife Park
Welcomes New Resident
"Hey, whose is that dog that's just parked itself on the terrace?"
"That's not a dog, mate."
"Looks well fed."
"Maybe that's why we don't see grey squirrels running around any more."
Coincidence, or what?
Our Sainsbury Local is having a rethink about what goes on the shelves, allegedly directed by the computer's records of what is and what isn't selling. How strange, therefore, that "own brand" and Basics products have vanished but equivalent but posher Sainsbury products and third party equivalents remain, even though they cost twice, three times or four times more than the vanished items. [Sounds like an even greater incentive to head on down the road to Aldi more often. Ed.]
Vienetta for £1? Great! None in the tiny freezer cabinet? Not so great. Another reason to head on down to Aldi for their 99p Vienetta clones.
You have to be tough to work for Stockport Council!
On the last Monday of the month, it was raining like Weather Control was trying to dump a month's rain in a single morning. And yet the guys emptying the blue bins into their recycling vehicle were dashing around in the deluge with total apparent lack of concern. Real tough guys!
Some clown will always find a way to screw up!
The Russians have found the reason why a Proton rocket carrying a navigation satellite crashed near Baikonur spaceport at the beginning of the month. Some genius at the factory installed the angular rate sensors "upside down" with the result that attempts to correct the direction of travel during the launch just made things worse very quickly. The rocket broke up in midair right after the launch and blew up on the ground not far away.
Prince [insert name] of Cambridge
Little is known about the newest member of the Royal Family other than that he was quite a hefty blighter when born. Not that a lack of concrete information could stop our rivals from gushing on at great length about him. Which we, with our readers' sensibilities in mind, don't propose to do.
Royal birth bad news for Dave the Distracted
Dave the Leader has become notorious for concentrating on trivia (messing about with marriage, etc.) and failing to be a leader. This month's birth of a prince deprives him of an excuse to keep up his pretence of urgency about the need to mess about with the royal order of succession, and might even result in his attention being turned to something that really needs doing. Oh, dear. How sad. Never mind.
Yet another chance for the failures
11 of 14 deficient NHS trusts have been put under external management, but with all the failures still in place, and the other 3 have been told to get things right themselves and stop killing people, or else.
There's a rumour going around . . .
. . . to the effect that the gang who held the job of health minister during the New Labour years Dobson, Milburn, Reid, Hewitt, Johnson & Burnham have all been nominated for a dishonourable mention in the next Honours List for services to funeral directing.
Is it something unusual? Probably
As if they didn't have enough to do, casualty departments at hospitals are overflowing with people suffering the effects of a quite exceptional period of hot weather. It has been described as the longest heatwave for 7 years, but a quick poll by BFN staff failed to turn up anyone with memories of a similar period in 2006.
Statistics on natural wildfires are being spoilt by human firebugs.
The heatwave is seen as Nature's derision for the Met Office's prediction of a decade of cold, wet summers.
Bee in Royal Bonnet
Prince Chuck is in trouble for supporting the health sec., J. Hunt's, support for homeopathy the voodoo medicine which is described by the BMA as "witchcraft".
The Society of Homeopaths has been warned by the Advertising Standards Authority to stop making claims which are not supported by good evidence. [Prosecution for fraud was out of the question? Ed.]
Germs much tougher in Africa?
The Health Police in South Africa have been rounding up supplies of Dettol and binning them after one of the local regulators found that the disinfectant wasn't killing 99.9% of local bugs. The British manufacturer has expressed bafflement as the product does see off 99.9% of British bugs during testing.
Sorry, mate, you might sink us!
New Zealand, home of the world's 3rd fattest population after the US of A and Mexico, has come up with an ingenious way to reduce its collective Body Mass Index. No one with a BMI in the obese range is allowed to settle there.
Alan Whicker, traveller & broadcaster, 87
He created a presentation style which was so recognizable that it became the subject of impersonation competitions, and featured in an episode of Monty Python's. He joined the BBC's Tonight in 1957 as a contributor, and moved on to his own programme, Whicker's World, which ran for nearly 30 years on British TV, and always set out to inform, educate and entertain the viewers. He interviewed everyone worth meeting, good guys and bad, and he upset the BBC with his honesty, so he must have been one of the good guys himself.
|Sounds like a nasty scam|
Some civil servant trips over his/her own feet and gets half a million quid in compensation from the taxpayer. But a guy who's been locked up for 8 years wrongly gets nothing for the 8 lost years because he's "not innocent enough" and the jury did nothing wrong in convicting him on the "evidence" cobbled together by the prosecution? How very New Labour, to coin a phrase.
The police are claiming that Jordan Begley, a 23-year-old who was done to death by a police taser, had a knife. But the current state of public trust in the police is such that hardly anyone believes that this is anything other than a silly story offered as an excuse for an hysterical over-reaction.
"Too much trouble, squire."
The latest survey has found that the police can't be bothered investigating 30% of crimes reported in England and Wales. Good news for criminals, not so good news for their victims, who play police wages.
"Too much trouble, squire." Part II
A surprising spin-off of New Labour's easy benefits client culture, and the lack of checks of initial and continuing eligibility, is that activity in some areas of crime has fallen off. This is despite dire warnings of anarchy everywhere issued by the Association of Cheap Police Officers in response to "The Cuts". Apparently, burglars and muggers can no longer be bothered to exert themselves with the state paying them not to work. They're all staying at home and turning to fraud and other breeds of internet crime.
Look for a reversal of this trend if some actual cuts in benefits for the unworthy are ever made.
Another reason to hate them . . .
It is likely that banks will soon be reclassified as criminal organizations following the revelation of a new scandal. After £10 BILLION already paid out for Payment Protection Insurance compensation, the next swindle is credit card and identity theft insurance. Customers of HSBC (money laundering), Barclays (Libor fixing), Santander, NatWest and Nationwide stand to collect over £1 BILLION after being sold insurance policies for services which the bank would normally provide for free.
One law for them . . .
In another shameful Establishment cover up, the head of the Serious & Organized Crime Agency is refusing to published a list of top companies and law firms, which used private eyes to break the law on their behalf. Sir J. Andrews, the boss of SOCA, is hiding behind the 'Uman bluddy Rights Act.
Lord Luvvieson ignored this massive body of evidence completely to avoid showing up his investigation of phone hacking by newspapers as trivial in comparison.
Despite howls from ACPO about The Cuts, Scotland Yard is on course to blow £15,000,000 on its "investigation" of phone hacking by newspapers.
Some criminality is okay
SOCA has been sitting on details of "hacking, blagging and theft" by 102 top firms and individuals since 2008 or even earlier. Although well aware of this law-breaking, SOCA has chosen to protect the legal trade and the other offenders. Journalists, meanwhile, have been hauled out of bed by coppers making dawn raids on the flimsiest of pretexts.
Some criminality is okay? Make that one hell of a lot!
The Metropolitan police "service" is sitting on a list of 200 top firms and well-connected people suspected of employing private investigators for hacking and other illegal information-gathering jobs. That's in addition to SOCA's 102-strong list of shame.
Some people have been asking why it is that journalists, a few of whom have commissioned a bit of hacking, are hauled out of bed by the Gestapo when Blue Chip companies (including legal firms) and Blue Chip people are allowed to slumber on undisturbed despite having commissioned hacking on an industrial scale for years.
The answer is quite straightforward:
Journalists give politicians embarrassment by exposing their criminality (expenses theft, influence peddling, starting illegal wars, etc.)
Blue Chips give politicians money.
How expert are the "experts"?
Cellular phones and notebook computers have been around for a good while. So you'd think it would have occurred to someone to pack the different sorts of airliners with them to see if they have any effect on the aircraft's computer systems. But no. The "experts" still don't know if glitches in aircraft systems and the use of portable electronics are related. So how about getting the lead out, guys?
What have we let ourselves in for?
The WEB; what is it? Most people think it's the Internet but readers of The Eagle in June 1953 were informed that the initials stand for World Empire Bureau, a sinister organization created to arrange the lives of the peasantry to make them work for the glory and happiness of the few who are fit to rule them.
Suddenly, everything makes a lot more sense . . .
The Great Power Swindle
The government's Short Term Operating Reserve scam for keeping the lights on when the wind don't blow will pay operators of diesel generator parks £600 per MWhour compared to £150/MWhour for offshore wind farm electricity, £100/MWhour for onshore wind farms and £50/MWhour for proper power stations. No wonder power bills are so excessive and set to get even worse.
Just to be on the safe side
If you happen to have an iPhone and it's running out of power, it would be a good idea to get someone else to attach it to the charger and remove it when it's full of juice. Preferably, someone you don't like very much. Two people in China were zapped this month, one fatally, by iPhones which were plugged in to third-party chargers.
Another summer repeat
The Arab Spring didn't quite work out in Egypt. They got rid of a de facto dictatorship line, only to be saddled with an Islamist. So the army has taken over and it's Spring II in Egypt at the moment.
It's big and it might not be from here!
A biologist at Aix-Marseille university has found a HUGE virus. It's is ten times bigger than anything found before and it can actually seen under a conventional microscope. As only 6% of its genes resemble genes found in other life forms on Earth, the discoverers of the virus are suggesting that it's a genuine alien; possibly transported on a piece of rock, which was knocked off Mars and landed here. The good news is that the viruses live in ponds and the sea, and they are not thought to pose a serious risk to the human race.
Bad Europeans throw wobbly
The Spanish government is mounting a blockade on the road to and from Gibraltar in response to the colony's construction of an artificial reef, which will get in the way of illegal fishing by Spanish trawlers in the Bay of Gibraltar.
No surprise involved
Shock, horror! The Mandelsleaze has admitted that the H2S rail link the cost estimate for which has just gone up from £10 BILLION to £43 BILLION was a con job when Brown Labour put it at the heart of the party's 2010 election manifesto. Labour quoted a price of £30 BILLION and Brown made unsupportable promises about the benefits to the nation as an excuse for planning to throw yet more borrowed cash at Labour's supporters.
Given that the final price of a government project is usually 4x what was quoted at the outset (taking the 2012 Olympics as a marker), there is no way that the nation can afford £120 BILLION for the H2S.
The council at Nottingham, Britain's obesity capital, has decided to spend half a million quid on repairing footpaths in the hope that it will encourage fatties to go for a walk occasionally.
The only thing that J. "Two Jags" Prescott's resignation from the Privy Council has done is leave everyone wondering why he was ever made a member.
Another Dave Disaster
Those people who were hoping to fly out of Heathrow airport, but who were delayed when an Ethiopian airliner caught fire, have an especial reason to feel aggrieved. This is what British taxpayers' aid money is spent on planes to make African regimes feel important with their own airline rather than wells and drains for the people.
A new holiday destination!
Schloss Gaddaffy, the late dictator's fortress in Tripoli, is to be turned into an amusement park by a Libyan government desperate for tourist income. The concept will be similar to that for the Romania attraction Draculaland and Gaddaffy World will feature actors recreating such historical events as Tony B. Liar's grovelling visits in the main offices and torture and execution of political prisoners in the extensive basement dungeon area.
If suitable aircraft can be sourced, Gaddaffy World also hopes to recreate the historic bombing of the dictator's tent encampment by the US air force.
One in the eye for Big Brother
The residents of Royston, Herts., have forced their local police "service" to remove a spying system, which was tracking the movements of all vehicles in and around the town. The Information Commission Office has found the police in breach of the Data Protection Act and declared their spy cameras excessive and unlawful.
If it quacks like a duck . . .
The driver of the Spanish train which crashed, killing 80 passengers, has been described by his mates as an excellent person and a really nice bloke. They insist that an accident is not just caused by one thing. But when the "one thing" is doing 120 mph round a curve with a speed limit of 50 mph, you can be pretty sure of 99.999% of the cause.
The latest report is that 800,000 Bulgarians and the entire population of Romania are planning to head here next year if the Coalition doesn't do something to keep them out.
Panic behind the scenes
The government is quietly refurbishing coal-fired power stations which are supposed to have been mothballed on the orders of the EU's global warming swindlers. Why? So that they can be used to keep the lights on when the wind don't blow and we're in the nuclear gap between having old power stations shut down and new ones in the process of being built.
The Met Office is predicting a warm finish to July. But we all know what a Met Office forecast is worth!
"30c Weekend Sizzler!" said the headline in the Daily Disaster on the first Saturday of the month. Either it was something about items of weekend fast-food costing thirty cents or Mr. Celsius has been downgraded to e.e. cummings' level. Talk about dumbing down!
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They don't deserve it, but . . .
. . . MPs have chosen their "independent" Parliamentary Standards Authority members wisely. As a result, they are in line for a pay rise of £10,000 per year and there's nothing the government can do to stop it. So one has to wonder what the members of the IPSA hope to get in return for ignoring the austerity the rest of us are suffering thanks to the Balls Monster, Eddie Milibandit and New Labour. It won't be anything as crude as a brown envelope of quids for the pro quo, but there are lots of other ways of showing appreciation in the quangocracy.
They don't care what people eat
The government is letting beef from cows infected with bovine TB into the food chain. As with horseburgers, it is going into the cheapest meat products, and ones served in schools and hospitals. The Ministry of Agriculture is making £10 MILLION per year out of the deal.
As well as badgers, domestic cats are also getting the blame for spreading bovine TB, but the government has not dared to suggest a cull of the nation's 8 million pussy cats. Yet.
The BBC has wasted £175,000 of taxpayers' cash on a report confirming that the Beeb does have an institutional Labour-luvvie bias, and that this will never change.
The NHS has decided to keep the Liverpool Pathway to Death but it has to have a new name because of unfortunate associations. How very New Labour!
22% of the electorate actually think Ed. Milibandit will be our next prime monster. [Or that's what they told the pollsters for a laugh. Ed.]
Any old excuse not to do the job we pay you to do, Dave?
Dave the Leader has announced to an awe-struck collection of disciples that, following his success with the Messing About With Marriage Bill (2013), he will make it his mission in life to export homosex marriage to the rest of the world whether they want it or not.
Greed 'n' 'Uman bluddy Rights
No wonder the legal trade is kicking up a stink about the government's plans to cut legal aid. Some of the vultures are taking £1,000 a time from the taxpayer for filing immigration judicial review claims which they know will fail; hoping to bump that up to £2,500 if the wheels come off after the next hurdle.
It's only taxpayers' cash
The BBC's management broke its own rules whilst handing out £369 MILLION in severance payments some of it to staff who had worked out their full notice period. So the question now is where does the buck stop? Who loses his/her pension for misconduct in office and waste of taxpayers' money? (Apart from no one.)
It's only taxpayers' cash II
Dr. C. Garada, the chairperson of the Royal College of GPs, is perfectly relaxed about foreign health tourist scroungers. She is not at all bothered that over £20 MILLION of taxpayers' money, which could be better spent on British people who were obliged to put it into the government's coffers, is being wasted on the scroungers every year. But as she is profiting from the health industry, hers is not exactly an objective and useful opinion. [Editor's Note: "charperson" is obviously a typo but we liked it so much that we decided to leave it in.]
Bad news for the Balls Monster
The British economy is recovering at a faster than expected pace from the slump into which Balls 'n' Broon and the rest of New Labour cast it. Which hasn't stopped the architects of our decline from coming up with new and even more pathetic alibis.
In contrast, the Labour party is being threatened with a slump in its economy if it refuses to give its paymasters, the trade unions, an even bigger say in who does what and who gets to join the Westminster Scroungers.
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Too many to include them all! But we'd like to make especial mention of:
Oxymorons of our time: the BBC Trust.
Calamity Clegg, who thinks MPs deserve their 16% pay rise to £75K (on top of all their other perks) and they shouldn't be affected by the austerity which they brought down on the rest of us.
A. Campbell, New Labour liar, who thinks the lies he and Tony B. Liar told for their own personal benefit were nothing compared to the whoppers that Winston Churchill told during a world war to mislead the enemy (rather than to cram dosh into his own pockets).
Pres. Hollande, who's throwing a wobbly because the Yanks are spying on his country (and everybody else's) just like the French are also spying on everyone else, including the Yanks, and especially including the British.
County Durham & Darlington Fire "service" and the police "service" for Co. Durham for sending 2 fire engines and a police car to rescue 3 verminous pigeons caught in netting on a roof.
The Squeaker of the House of Common Criminals: he's biased and he postures, it's as simple as that.
E. Milibandit: he's in the pocket of the trade unions and they don't care who knows it.
C. Jamieson MP (Labour, of course), who got bent out of shape when Billy Hague dared to point out that she was being stoopid.
ESPN, which has the rights to show the Indy Cars series on its TV channel but not the inclination to show the actual races.
The BBC, which is reduced to hoovering up foreigners with an uncertain history in its attempts to ambush government ministers over "The Cuts".
The Thames Valley police "service", which has been ignoring misconduct by its employees right up to the point where the evidence became embarrassingly obvious.
The BBC is in even more trouble for being sycophantic and doing overkill on the royal birth by padding out its programmes with correspondents who had nothing much to say but still wittered on endlessly in a patronizing fashion.
The Serious & Organized Crime Agency, which touts itself as Britain's FBI but which has been ignoring serious and organized hacking and other offences by friends of the Establishment for years and years. Not to mention the other members of the legal trade who have also turned a blind eye to criminality despite being Officers of the Court (you know who you are, Lord Luvvieson).
Vlad the Putin, who has been caught out telling a fishing whopper. No one believes that his 10 kg pike weighs the 46 lb (21 kg) he claims (unless he stuffed it full of lead shot), and most people think a frogman attached a stunned fish to his hook so that His Putinness could pretend to catch it.
The claim is being ranked alongside the Putin's story that he found some ancient Greek urns in the Black Sea; which turned out to be true in that his staff had planted them and told him where to look.
"Far queue, far queue very much!" Frank Zappa.
The Far Queue: the traditional parking place for everything "not wanted on voyage".
|Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression|
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, July MM13.