BOGGLING NEWS

Good grief!
Which is worse? A school in Barnsley giving 11-year-old pupils lessons in where not to swear and which swear words not to use? Or the precious school calling itself an Advanced Learning Centre?

Like that's going to happen
Dave the Leader is insisting that MPs can't use the VIP lanes to be driven to the Olympics and they'll have to catch a bus or a train. Which has given the junketeers the hump – so much so that they're threatening to stay at home and not gobble up the free hospitality, so there.

Power exercised without responsibility
Some major retailers think it's perfectly okay to pay farmers LESS than the cost of production for milk so that they can use it as a loss-leader. Some, but only some, have been shamed into paying the bare minimum production cost. Those who wish to boycott the exploiters should refuse to buy milk and milk products at Aldi, Arla Foods UK, Asda, Dairycrest, Morrisons and Robert Wiseman Dairies.
   M&S, Sainsbury's, Tesco and Waitrose all pay a fair-ish price and the Co-op will probably join them after some kicking and screaming.

Has he no shame?
Tony B. Liar is now trying to off-load the blame for saddling us with the £1 BILLION cost of the Olympics onto his wife. "Not me, it's all Cherie's fault," the slippery old warmonger is saying.

Klutz or Joker?
US presidential hopeful Mitt Romney (out of touch, successful billionaire businessman, member of a weird religious cult) had a "car crash" of a debut in Britain when he arrived on the eve of the Olympics. he either made more gaffes per square inch than Sarah Palin + George Dubya Bush, or he took the mickey out of the whole process of being a VIP quite mercilessly. Let the voters decide.

Mug punters, or what!
This month, Avon & Somerset police decided not to charge a Polish immigrant, who was stealing scrap metal from a door manufacturer, who was losing thousands of pounds worth of the stuff. Why? Because he told them it's not a crime in Poland and no one told the dim coppers that Somerset isn't a part of Poland.

CRIME NEWS

Always an angle
Eddie Milibandit, who was a New Labour minister at the time of the crime, is believed to be v. enthusiastic about an inquiry into criminal conspiracies at the major banks because he knows that it will embarrass a big noise in his party's top ranks. During the Broon Era, Ed "he's talking" Balls was always banging on about a light touch in re bank regulation (i.e. none).

ACPO gets real
Police stations are becoming a thing of the past as the Ass. of Cheap Police Officers tries to gain public sympathy with a display of poverty. In future, anyone looking for a copper will have to rely on a drop-in centre at their local supermarket or library (if it hasn't been closed by a council which won't cut waste instead).

Ulterior Motive?
Minds are boggling across the world at the antics of an art thief in New York. According to the official account, a scruffy-looking guy strolled into the Venus Over Manhattan art gallery's inaugural exhibition, shoved a Dali ink & watercolour into a shopping bag and strolled out again.
   The police were left clueless but, luckily, the thief saved them the bother of spraining their brains further by mailing the picture back to New York from "somewhere in Europe". It was intercepted at Kennedy airport by the US Postal Inspection Service. The thief had been kind enough to email the tracking number to the gallery. No arrests have been made and the art world is left wondering about a switch, which hasn't been spotted yet, or someone taking the opportunity to make a high-quality copy for the print market.

Oh, no! It's a new religion!
It's official. Rioting is a profoundly spiritual experience and it gives rioters and arsonists a kind of spiritual escape. Such was the endorsement from the Bishop of Bath & Wells. But the message future rioters will get from the Bish is: "If it's your religion, they can't touch you for it." And any coppers who dare to attempt to arrest rioters will be done for religious intolerance.
   Which will let police forces like the one in London do what they did last year – stand idly by while whole streets go up in flames after the looters have stripped them bare. And as the boss coppers watch the carnage on the TV news, they'll be thinking: "Diversity, mate. we've got to let them have the right to observe their weird religion whether we agree with it or not. Anyone for another chocolate biscuit? On the taxpayer, of course."

Cosmetic job, Bill?
Foreign Sec. W. Hague reckons he's doing an audit of how the EU pokes its nose into Britain's business as a first step to loosening the EU's stranglehold on us. But will Dave the Leader actually let him do anything on this score, given the stranglehold which the Liberals have on the Coalition? Doubtful.

According to the Can't Prosecute Service, J. Terry called A. Ferdinand a "f***ing black c***". No doubt, if they'd hired a different lip-reader, they could have come up with something better than a "foolish black clot".

Ministerial Truth
In December 2011, Immigration Minister D. Greene assured the nation that the government was doing "everything in our power to increase the number and speed of removals" of foreign criminals. This month, the Sunday Telegraph counted 250, whom the Home Office had made no attempt to deport. Which means that if the Minister was telling the truth, then the fact of the matter is that he is powerless and another purely ornamental drain on the public purse.

Not me, Gov!
Someone involved with the Olympics has lost or stolen the very expensive and high-tech keys to Wembley Stadium. The Metropolitan police, Locog (the outfit running the Games) and G4S all deny being responsible. The keys to Wimbledon and its drugs locker are also on the missing list. G4S is to be sued for that.

SPONSOR VIEWS

"Don't you dare or the police will harass you."
Thanks to the Paramilitary Games, half of London is in lockdown for pretend security alerts. And use of the following words without a licence has been banned under a law passed by the Bliar regime:
 
      Games, Two Thousand And Twelve, 2012,
      Twenty Twelve, Gold, Silver, Bronze, London,
       Medals, Sponsors and Summer.
 
   They are now the exclusive property of the businesses sponsoring the Twenty Twelve Olympic Games in London. Using pictures of the London skyline, or any other view of the capital, for any purpose at all has also been banned.
All logos belonging to firms other than Olympics sponsors are banned from peri-Olympics locations as well as the buildings and sites associated with the Games, and anyone wearing an offending logo will be required to cover it up for the duration of their visit to a controlled zone.
   The police have the power to arrest and commit brutality upon anyone whom they merely suspect has infringed the B. Liar Olympics Exclusivity Act (2006). Anyone who dares to mention Article 10 of the Bliar regime's 'Uman bloody Rights Act [protection of free speech] is invited to see how far they get with the Olympics Nazis.
Olympics Enforcement Squads are putting themselves about all over the country. Their job is to make sure that all Olympics tat is being offered for sale only by registered traders, who have paid for an Olympics Sales Licence and bought their goods from approved Chinese suppliers. Illegal street traders are liable to be strung up from the nearest lamp post if they don't manage to clobber the O.E. posse first.

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Somewhere to avoid
If you're planning to visit the main Olympic park as July runs out, forget it. The Park's official status of "on time, on budget and ready" has been reversed to "not ready yet". Apparently, people actually tried to go there and the contractor had to admit that there were on-timeness issues outstanding. Apparently, this is not a problem for the government, which did not expect any of the gang of Olympics contractors to deliver on the promises which they made!

Watch your step! It's not about the sport, it's all about the money.
Anyone planning to visit the Olympics is advised to check all brand-names carefully as Olympics Enforcement Squads will search them and steal any drinks, crisps, other snacks and other goods which were not manufactured by an official sponsor.

STATEMENT
The organizers of the Olympics wish it to be known that it's a bit rich for the Labour party to moan about the way the preparations are going because it was New Labour which wished the event upon a reluctant nation as an ego-boost for Tony B. Liar and most of the people who are screwing up now were given their jobs . . . by New Labour.

Don't ask!
The secrecy junkies of the SNP are in trouble again – for refusing to reveal how much they're spending on junketing at the Sassenach Olympics and keeping their revered leader, Mr. SalmonD, in pies and champagne.

Holiday snaps
The organizers of the Olympics are having to round up gangs of volunteers to put their bums on seats left empty at Olympics events by foreign Olympics organizations, IOC members and the meeja, all of whom couldn't be bothered to turn up to use their freebie tickets. The director, Lord Coe, thinks the acres of newspaper pictures showing the empty seats are just "holiday snaps", proving that he hasn't quite grasped the concept of news photography.

ROMILEY NEWS

Sticking to the agenda
It hasn't stopped raining much but the latest Stockport Review (news from your council) has a feature which starts:
     "If there is a severe heatwave over the summer, you may get dehydrated
      and your body may overheat, leading to heat exhaustion or heatstroke.
      Both need urgent treatment. . ."
But then, our council is run by the Liberals, who are notorious supporters of the Great Global Warming Swindle and not the sort of people who let the real world intrude into a good scam.

	TRAVEL NEWS
Parking permitted! If you're looking for somewhere to park your luxury yacht, Italy's marinas have lots of space. Even better, the rates for foreigners have been reduced by making them exempt from a €1,000/day parking fee for bigger boats. Why so much free space? The taxmen, coppers, coast guard, and every petty official in sight have been harassing yacht owners multiple times as part of a purge on tax dodgers. Fed up, lots of them have moved their boat to a neighbouring country to avoid being invaded every five minutes. Another scam exposed Diesel-fuelled cars have been touted as planet-savers, but the facts say otherwise. They are more fuel-efficient than petrol-engine cars but they cost more to buy and so does their fuel. Add in improvements to petrol-engine cars and the break-even point for a diesel-engine car is about 8 YEARS down the road. Bad news for the travelling public If you live in London and you normally go to work by Tube, you might find your journey disrupted during the Olympics. Dave the Leader is setting an example by going to work on the Tube, which means gangs of armed detectives forming a human shield around him and taking up half a carriage, and more gangs of detectives along the route, making sure the customers can't get anywhere near Dave at the start and finish of his journey or along the way. Justice delayed, and all that Back in January 2010, a guy whose local airport was closed did a tweet saying he was going to blow it up if the operators didn't shift the snow and get it open. In May, he was hauled into Doncaster magistrate's court and, because he had tweeted "a message of a menacing character", he was hit with a fine.    In November 2010, a crown court judge and a brace of magistrates dismissed his appeal, saying that the tweet was "clearly menacing". It has taken until this month for the Lord Chief Justice and a pair of lesser judges to decide that the lower courts were talking tripe and allow another appeal.    Which leaves us wondering: is everyone associated with the court system and the Can't Prosecute Service up to the rank of crown court judge is a complete idiot? Or do they just drag these things out to cram the maximum amount dosh into the pockets of everyone associated with the courts?

COMMENT

No wonder people think the police are idiots

This month: 17 cars & vans of hysterical Staffordshire coppers with guns, 13 fire engines, 4 ambulances and an army chemical warfare unit, the M6 toll road closed for 6 hours – and for what? A passenger on a coach was "smoking" an electronic cigarette, which isn't a criminal offence, and everyone was left on the coach for 3 hours before the armed coppers got round to harassing them.
   The Saville inquiry dragged on for 12 years, blew £100 MILLION of taxpayers' money, and failed to realize that the IRA caused the trouble on Bloody Sunday in January 1972. Now, the police and CPS-equivalent in Northern Ireland want to blow another £10 MILLION on a 4 year investigation covering exactly the same ground.
   There will be no police inquiry into the murders of 53 members of the Parachute Regiment by Irish terrorists.
   And still coppers at the top end of management would have us believe that they can't do their job because of savage cuts and not because they waste a great deal of the cash they get, just like the rest of the public sector.

No wonder people think the police are dangerous
Apparently, they can kill members of the public, who are going about their lawful business and committing no crime, and get away with it despite doing it openly and viewed by CCTV cameras which leave no doubt as to their guilt – e.g. the case of Ian Tomlinson, who was killed in April 2009 by PC S. Harwood, who got away with it at Southwark Crown Court this month.

Pass the salt, Mabel
Saturday June 30th: West Midlands police grab a car they suspect isn't insured. Two days later: they search it and find a couple of guns, neither automatic, and a few bullets. They round up some suspects over the next couple of days. No great sense of urgency, apparently. Then suddenly, the papers are talking about the terrorist attack on Bombay in November 2008 as if something comparable has been foiled. Is that the police spin machine in action again? Even if it isn't, that's what we've come to expect from New Labour's breed of senior coppers.
One less good copper
The antics of his befuddled senior officers are put into stark perspective by the death of PC I. Dibell, who was shot dead when he intervened in a dispute between neighbours. He was off-duty at the time but his sense of responsibility and duty wasn't.

DEPARTURES

Eric Sykes, writer & performer, 89

Probably the last of the great comic actors from the 1960s has taken his final curtain call. In addition to performing, especially in his TV series with Hattie Jacques, Eric Sykes was in great demand as a comedy scriptwriter for the likes of Bill Fraser, Frankie Howerd, the Goons, Peter Sellers and "Professor" Stanley Unwin. He also branched out into writing novels, and film directing and producing. He managed to perform successfully despite becoming totally deaf quite early in life. He was the brains behind the silent film The Plank (1979), which is rated as a classic. It is now a bit too late to award him the overdue knighthood.

DEPARTURES

Jon Lord, musician, 71

A keyboard expert and founder member of Deep Purple, one of the loudest bands in the world, he kept a foot in both the Classical and heavy rock camps, like a number of his contemporaries. Thus Deep Purple's heaviest albums, e.g. In Rock (1970) and Machine Head (1972), were balanced by Mr. Lord's Concerto for Group & Orchestra (1970) and Gemini Suite (1971). His long and successful career, which included excursions out of and back in to Deep Purple, and solo efforts, took a turn to the Classical side when he retired from rock in 2002. His Durham Concerto (2008) and Boom of the Tingling Strings (2008) were both voted to Classic FM’s Hall of Fame.

HEALTH NEWS

Nurse, he's out of bed again!
The Cleggster, the Liberal party's calamitous leader, thinks he had a lobotomy and it didn't work. Why? Because his feelings of inadequacy remain as strong as ever. He's also severely delusional in that believes that he is working at a "frenetic" pace on such useful matters as a billion-pound makeover for the House of Lords, mauling marriage around to include same-sex couples and similar matters of immediate concern to the fantasy electorate of his imagination.

Come on, Tim!
Has A. Murray, Britain's latest tennis nearly man, joined some weird cult, which worships a rain god? This would certainly explain his habit of doing a double-index-finger-point at the leaden July sky after each win at bloody Wimbledon.

What's in a name (apart from a lot)?
The troubled security monster G4S used to be called Group 4, but they had to change the name to leave behind an earlier image tarnished by calamity. Something without a "G" and a "4" sounds good for the next makeover.

	HOME NEWS
Here's another one whose operation didn't work Tony B. Liar reckons that he still has something to say to the British people. You can bet your bottom dollar, if it hasn't been stolen by your friendly neighbourhood bank, that it won't include the word "sorry" and an apology for dragging us into the Bush war in Iraq on a lie. Can anyone play? Home Sec. T. May seems eager to let any foreign police force on the planet, which asks nicely, to have unlimited access to the Home Office's SnoopBank of recordings of all phone and internet use by British residents. When does inflation become profiteering? Kelloggs Crunchy Nut Cornflakes – price up 21% on a 500 gm box last month, and the Radio Times subscription rate up 40%. Attention, the German ambassador! We in Britain have no problem with a single market. In fact, we were scammed into what is now the European Union on the basis that we were joining a Common Market of European states. It's all the political stuff and the grabs of our cash and resources, like fish in our territorial waters, that we don't want. You clearly didn't get that before, Herr Boomgaarden. Do you get it now? One of the undeserving masses? The Chancellor, G. Osborne, will not be apologizing for saying that Ed "Exploding" Balls has questions to answer over the Liebor-fixing antics at Barclays bank. Apparently, the man who claims he was pulling Wee Gordie Broon's strings finance-wise is such an appalling character that even if the Chancellor got it wrong, nothing said about the Balls could do further damage to his reputation.

ANNOUNCEMENTS
Mr. R. Diamond-Geezer, late of Barclays bank, wishes it to be known that he left his job to spend more time with the £120 MILLION that he received over the last 5 years and the £18 MILLION he expects to get in the way of additional dosh.	Mr. D-G's daughter would like to explain that her public message inviting Messers G. Osborne and E. Milibandit to "HMD" was an invitation to "Hug My Dad" rather than the "hold my dick" explanation offered by the newspapers as, being of the female persuasion, Miss D.-G. wasn't issued with the necessary equipment.

WAR NEWS

Ooops!
Two pilots of the Brazilian air force are in dead trouble. Whilst taking part in an air display, they did a supersonic drive-by over their nation's supreme court building. The stunt smashed the glass façade to billions of bitz, did in all of the windows and took out a lot of the glass on neighbouring buildings. No injuries were reported but two previously promising careers are now on hold.

Justice delayed, etc.
Twenty-eight years after the murder of WPC Y. Fletcher by gunfire from the Libyan embassy, the Foreign Office and the Metropolitan Police are still dragging their feet over tracking down the killer. Even the new regime in Libya is remarking on how slowly things are happening despite their identification of a prime suspect. This is probably because D. Cameron promised a full investigation, and we all know how good Dave is at delivering on his promises.

Is Pres. O'Bummer America's Gordon Broon?
He has presided over economic stagnation, he's never had a proper job – he's always been on the State payroll – which explains why he has no idea how businesses work and he thinks the government creates them, not individual entrepreneurs, and he has no problem with blowing vast amounts of taxpayers' cash when the country is up to its eyebrows in debt. And he thinks the way to win re-election is political muck-spreading rather than being good at the job of being president. Does any of this sound familiar to the people who rejected Wee Gordie?

Cock-up or trouble-making?
Someone shoved a South Korean flag on a giant screen when North Korea's female footballers turned out for a pre-Olympics match. So the ladies were made to storm off the pitch in a huff. Given all the checks that go on for these occasions, could it have been done deliberately by a bored employee? "This will annoy the buggers! I know I shouldn't do it, but, what the hell? I just can't resist it." Could happen.

DOSH NEWS

Forlorn hope?
The chairman of Barclays bank has resigned because "the buck stops with him". [Since when? Ed.] The share price plunged after the bank was fined £290 MILLION (only £60M to the British government but £230M to the Yanks) for rigging the interbank lending rate, now known as "Liebor".
   "Silver-haired" M. Agius (65) had planned to retire next year. Surprise. He's not actually going, he's staying at his post "to ensure an orderly succession". The bank hopes that sacrificing the silver fox will save the ass of the CEO, R. Diamond, who was in charge of the bank's casino operation when all the cute stuff with the interest rate started back in 2008.
Mr. Diamond is toast (but he goes with shares worth more millions than you can shake a stick at.)

Credit – and Credibility – Crunch
The latest leak from the New Labour archives shows that the Bliar/Broon regime was up to its collective greasy neck in fixing Liebor. Lady Vader, Darth's missus, had charge of the operation.

Losers weepers
Being chucked out of the job of president of France has had serious consequences for N. Sarkozy. The cops now feel free to do him over for "cash for tax favours" corruption left over from the 2007 presidential election.

Making a bog of it R us?
The management of G4S, a.k.a. Good 4 Sod-all, reckon they're going to lose 50 MILLION quid on the job (which they screwed up) of recruiting and training bag and body-searchers, who'll do a fortnight's work at the Olympics. That's despite being paid enough to be able to charge the taxpayer £28,400 per teenage recruit.

More cash down the drain
The Can't Prosecute Service has blown £500,000 on the trial which failed to convict footballer J. Terry of racial abuse. The judge eventually decided that it was impossible to prove that Mr. Terry was guilty and tossed the sorry affair out of court. Worse, the alleged victim, footballer A. Ferdinand, didn't want the case to go to court in the first place, and he didn't know he'd been abused until the police persuaded him that he had been. An unnamed police jobsworth is getting the blame for starting the whole circus off. Which raises the question of why the CPS didn't call this character as a witness at the trial.

The name says it all!
The US Congress is set to dump a billion-dollar fine on the HongKong & Shanghai Bank for Criminals for the trivial offence of money-laundering trillions of dollars for bad guys from Mexico, Iran and other places with major criminal presences. But with a name like that, what else would they be doing?

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