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 2012/June 
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STOP PRESS: BFN has won the prestigious "Creative Journalism of the Year" award for 2011. The citation praised our "willingness to go where others dare not venture" and our "steadfast commitment to defending the right". And are we chuffed!

world news
 WORLD  NEWS 

mohicanyesright: Sic Transit Gloria Mundi
If they erect a statue to this guy, I'll contribute a pigeon ->

noTotal UN Bollux!
The United Nations Organization has exposed itself to even more ridicule by publishing a report condemning Britain's record on 'uman bloody rights. Contributors to the report included Russia, Iran, Cuba, Pakistan and Sudan, all nations notorious for rigging elections, massive corruption, fostering international terrorism and political murder.

yesThe first, and only?
Tightrope walker Nik Wallenda, the current superstar of the Flying Wallendas circus troupe, has become the first man to walk across the Niagara river at the notorious Niagara Falls. His trek from the USA to Canada took just twenty-five minutes, and he even remembered to take his passport with him to avoid being told to trot right back where he'd come from.

Oh, Crap!Surprise! They're all bent!
Twenty or so banks around the world are now under investigation for fiddling the inter-bank borrowing rate in order to steal from their customers. “Give A Man A Gun And He Can Rob A Bank. Give A Man A Bank And He Can Rob The World.” These wise words have never been more true.

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 HEALTH NEWS 


X-ray machinenoIt's bad for you but so what?
The city of New York is recruiting drinks police in an effort to clean up its image. The mayor admits that 60% of his constituents are either fat or totally obese, and the plan is to ban the sale of large-size (500 ml or bigger) fizzy drinks at restaurants, cafes and food carts. Such beverages contain around 50 grammes of sugar and official US guidelines advise a maximum intake of 40g refined sugar per day – i.e. the amount in one standard, 12 fluid-ounce can of cola.

noNot us, Gov!
General Practitioners, all being paid at least twice the prime monster's salary, would like us to believe that they didn't want to go on strike this month, but they were forced into it by the out-of-touch, unreconstructed dinosaurs bossing their union.
update90% of doctors didn't go on strike. So should we be feeling relieved that most of them are okay people? Or eager to find out who the rotten 10% are so that we can ostracize them? Or should we condemn the lot of them as cynics, who turned up for work knowing they'd have nothing much to do because all non-life-threatening operations had been cancelled and GP surgeries were closed to everyone who wasn't dying on the spot?

exploding heartDefinitely not
The government wishes it to be known that the Chancellor of the Exchequer's decision to abolish the August fuel duty rise, which was planned by G. Broon and E. Balls when New Labour was in government, was not done purely to upset Eddie "he's talking" Balls and send the blighter's blood pressure through the roof.

 DOSH NEWS 

yesPots & Kettles, come away!
The Greeks are bad people because they don't pay tax, sez O. Lagarde, the French eurocrat who is taking a turn as head of the International Monetary Fund (because the previous incumbent was sacked for being a sex-maniac). Surprise! M. Lagarde doesn't pay tax on her salary, either – the taxpayers of the world have an involuntary whip-round for her. So does that make her an honorary Greek?

noPres O'Bummer backs Brownian reckless spending
Austerity doesn't work, the pres of the USA told the eurozone. If your up to your ass in debt, the only way forward is to keep on spending and spending money you don't have until everything comes right.
 • Later this month, the pres will be inviting our deposed leader, the Blessed Spendthrift Broon, to the White House to be presented with a Hero of American Economics gold medal.

noMore official lies and delusion
The preparations for the Olympic Games, which are supposed to be on "on time and on budget" are, in fact £6.9 BILLION over budget. Tony B. Liar and New Labour sold the beanfeast on the basis of a budget of £2.4 BILLION. The present estimated cost is £9.3 BILLION.
[Good job Berko, the Squeaker of the Commons, had ruled that "liar" is no longer unparliamentary language as there should be lots of questions in the House about where all the excess cash went and which cronies lined their pockets. Ed.]

yesNice one, Dave!
Our prime monster has invited wealthy French people to come over here to evade a 75% top rate of tax planned for their own country. Result, Socialist and Communist MPs blew fuses all over the place. Result! What else are you going to do to annoy them, Dave?

noGet Dave! (but only out of self-interest, nothing personal)
British-based financial advisors to the rich and famous are worried that D. Cameron's censuring of the hypocritical tax-dodger J. Carr will make their clients sneak abroad to avoid moral outrage as well as taxes. The industry views the prime monster's comments as a dagger aimed at its black heart and a major source of revenue.

yesOops! More bonuses up in smoke!
Barclays bank has been fined the world-record sum of £290 MILLION for rigging upwards, the interest rate which banks charge each other in order to steal from customers with loans and mortgages. Lloyds, HSBC and RBS are also being investigated and criminal proceedings may follow.

 EU NEWS 

light bulbThe latest threat to the continued existence of our planet. . .
The European Commission has ordered the prime monster to remove this (sort of) sculpture of a light bulb from the garden of 10 Downing Street. Why? Because if represents an incandescent light bulb (if viewed from the right angle) and this type of light bulb has been banned by the EC in favour of Compact Fluorescent Bulbs, which use a bit less electricity, cost a hell of a lot more to make, shoving our cash into Chinese pockets, and are dumped in landfill, even though they contain toxic mercury, when they croak having failed by a mile to reach the service life advertised on the packet.

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space news
 SPACE NEWS 

No U-Turn by Coalition, Transit of Venus goes off okay!

Transit of Venus, 5/6th June 2012
11:30 p.m. & 11:53 p.m. on June 5th, then 2:43 a.m. & 5:02 a.m. on June 6th

Despite the competition from the Queen's Diamond Jubilee, and a British government noted for its dithering and reversals, Part Deux of this twice-in-a-lifetime event happened on time and on budget in the night of June 5th/6th. And it was on the Internet so everyone could see it – apart from when a few clouds got in the way at the end.
black squareThe next Solar System transit to look out for is the Earth doing it as seen from Mars in 2084. Let us hope the Mars Ground Observatory doesn't disappear in a world-record dust storm on the day!

 DEPARTURES 

Ray Bradbury, writer, 91

Books by Ray Bradbury

His writing career began in the early 1940s, and he kept himself apart from the mainstream of science fiction. Most of his output was whimsy and fantasy rather than hard-science SF, and the only book that looked like "proper" SF carried a message: Fahrenheit 451 (1953) was speculation about what would happen if a state banned books. His stories tended to take "everyday" characters with "normal" lives to somewhere exotic to find out what would happen. Many of his works were adapted for films, radio and/or television, and his output included horror and mystery fiction as well as his own brand of fantasy.

travel news
 TRAVEL NEWS 

noNot even "standing room only"
The rail companies made such a bog of planning trains to take people to London for the Jubilee long weekend that huge gangs of would-be passengers were left stranded at their home station as overloaded trains pulled out. Good job there isn't another big event in London this year!
   Oh . . . Calamity!

Crime News
 CRIME NEWS 

yesno   Diverse or Perverse?
The Labour party discovered that postal voting was being abused back in 1996 but did nothing about it when they got into power a year later. Mainly because Asian areas were doing it in Labour's favour. But now Labour has dropped out of favour with the block-voters, the Milibandits are getting upset. Strange that the Tories and Liberals, who must have known what was going on, have been doing nothing, even though their respective parties were being swindled by Labour in election after election.

noSelf-Interest strikes back
Police persons everywhere are outraged because the new Chief Inspector of Constabulary is a former railway regulator, who dared to write two reports exposing their "Spanish practices". Tom Winsor, we are told, was appointed as part of a plan to make the Inspectorate more independent of both the government and the nation's police services.

Oh, Crap!Crime made easy
Apple and Google are in a race to create a Burglars' Charter of British homes by flying high-resolution cameras over residential areas and making 3D maps from the data.

yesFree, but finders keepers?
Why are lots of people dashing to Staffordshire police stations to take unpaid jobs involving washing police cars and cleaning up the interiors? Well, criminals are notorious for ditching all sorts of loot, including drugs, in the back of cops cars, and it looks like this is work with potentially tasty perks.

noIt's their job, mate
It's all very well for lawyers making a bomb out of the shambles of British legal administration to say government ministers shouldn't publish their own interpretation of a law because it's the job of judges to interpret it. But who wrote our laws in the first place if not the gang at Westminster and their hangers-on? So who is better qualified to explain what the law says and what it intends than the minister who shoved it through Parliament? Certainly not judges, who seem to make a religious out of perverseness.

Oh, Crap!What sort of example was that?
There was all sorts of tough talk about tough gaol sentences for last years rioters to make an example of them. Surprise! Most of them are now out of gaol, having served far less than half of their sentence, and they're revving up for this year's riots, looting and mayhem.

 WAR NEWS 

yesThe latest cyber-threat . . .
. . . comes from "smart" meters, which will allow hackers in Russia, China, Iran or any other rogue nation to turn off the access to gas and electricity currently enjoyed by British citizens – in their homes or places of work – from the convenience of the state-sponsored cyber-terrorist's own distant place of work.

yesNot an unanticipated step
In the interests of harmonization, the European Commission has ruled that all goals scored during the Euro 2012 football tournament will be pooled and distributed equally to all teams so that the weaker teams do not feel at a disadvantage to the stronger teams.

noBroon calls Murdoch a liar at Leveson inquiry!
Broon : politics, rewrites history shamelessly, wouldn't know the truth if it bit him on the bum, covers up corruption or ignores it completely.
Murdoch : newspapers, truth, honesty and the Australian way of life, exposes corruption.
'Nuf sed!

noJust so you know . . .
The Syrians are saying they shot down an antique Turkish fighter aircraft because they thought it was a UFO. It was only after the event, a spokesman explained, that they remembered that Turkey was still using Vietnam war-era F4 planes.

yesWas crap, still is crap
The National Audit Office has found that the Ministry of Defence has wasted at least £6 BILLION on over-stocking equipment and buying stuff which will never be used – a situation which will only worsen as more and more front-line troops are sacked. The MoD insists that this is old news, the waste occurred under the previous regime and the cock-ups have been fixed, and money is being wasted in entirely new ways now (oh, what a giveaway).

Home News
 HOME NEWS 
UK Flag

 
'elf 'n' naziDon't. Just Don't!
The 'elf Nazis at Whitehall had a fit of the vapours when they found that staff had been climbing on chairs to put up Jubilee bunting because it's "clearly not sensible". Staff were ordered to remove the bunting, but not to do it themselves at any cost as it had to be done by a bunting crew with full safety equipment.
   Recipients of the email assumed it was a joke at first and announced that they were leaving their bunting in place. When they found that the jobsworth concerned, one S. Morris, was serious, the Chancellor of the Exchequer and the Employment Minister rushed to overrule her. But stopped short of sacking someone who clearly lacks the sense she was born with.

black squareBook of the Month : "i" Before "e", Except After "c" by Keith Weirdly.

noDefinitely not!
The Royal Bank of Scotland, which this month suffered a monumental computer collapse when a flawed "upgrade" wiped out masses of data on the frontline and back-up computer systems, would like it to be known that the catastrophe had nothing to do with out-sourcing its computer maintenance work to India.

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 CLIMATE  NEWS 

GW sloganA new alibi
City "workers" who crash at their desk after a boozy lunch are now claiming that they're taking a necessary siesta due to global warming, as recommended by U.N. "experts", and it's not because they're too pished to keep their eyes open.

GW sloganNot all bad news, then!
The wet start to the summer has reduced the number of wasps around dramatically, so that when (or if) the sun (ever) shines, there will be fewer of the little monsters attacking the jam butties at picnics.

 UNSPORT NEWS 

      In the good old days, there used to be rules in football . . .
      . . . but the one about offside seems to have been abolished, especially for Spain.
 

There is no offside rule under UEFA regulations

upper : Navas is clearly offside as Fabregas kicks the ball to his left to Iniesta, also just offside.
lower : The ball is in the air and it looks like having 2 players offside was too much for the officials to handle, so no whistle from the ref and no flag from the linesman. When things get this bad, it's no wonder so many people automatically think "fix" when they watch football.

Far Queue List

Far Queue symbol The nit-picking (at the taxpayer's expense) lawyer at the Leveson Circus with the 50-foot stack of documents.

Far Queue symbol The United Nations, which has followed up making the late dictator M. Gaddaffy a 'uman right commissioner by making the not-yet-late dictator R. Mugabe its tourism envoy.

Far Queue symbol British Taekwondo, which is funded by the British taxpayer but which seems to think it has the right to operate as a secret society and play favourites rather than support the best competitor.

Far Queue symbol The BBC for its inept coverage of the Jubilee River Pageant, not to mention the rest of the 4-day weekend's events, using a gang of tedious, ignorant celeb-wannabes.

Far Queue symbol SKY — Believe In Bollux.

Far Queue symbol Gordon 'Effin Broon for his self-serving whinge to the Leveson Perpetual Press Regulation Inquiry.

Far Queue symbol M. Baggs, C.E.O. of Thames Water, profits and customer satisfaction dragging in the dust, got a reward for failure bonus of £420,000, and he's in line for a further million quid if he continues to fail.

Far Queue symbol That Italian bloody ref for the England vs France match in the first round of Euro 2012 put on such a shameless display of partiality, letting the French get away with anything, that he'd have got a red card in an honest competition.

Far Queue symbol Hulk Hogan Hypen Howe, the new boss of the Metropolitan Police, who's QuadH to his mates. Apparently, he believes that everyone is guilty until snooped on and proved innocent, not the other way around as the Law of the Land is written.

Far Queue symbol Another out-of-touch member of the govt.: A. Mitchell, minister for wasting aid money overseas, who thinks only pensioners think Dave the Leader's obsession with same-sex marriage is a waste of time and taxpayers' money.

Far Queue symbol Jimmy Carr, comedian and hypocritical tax dodger. [J. Carr makes 3 million quid per year? Wow, imagine how much he'd make if he were funny!]

Far Queue symbol Whoever it was who tried to move Camden council to North Korea by insisting that the ruling Labour mob had to address their party chief as "Dear Leader". A junior assistant deputy almost invisible nobody is currently getting the blame.

Far Queue symbol Some people will do anything to get noticed – like the pair of CoE bishops who are saying that, actually, same-sex marriage is a jolly good idea and the management of the Church has got it completely wrong.

Far Queue symbol S. Hester, boss of the Royal Bank of Scotland, who was hired to detoxify the brand after Fred Goodwin shredded it, and who managed only to toxify it further with an IT catastrophe. He also included the NatWest bank and the Bank of Ulster in the toxifying process as they share the computer system, on which the RBS unleashed a team of cowboys, having fired most of their UK-based IT staff.

Far Queue symbol Everyone in the whole wide world who has ever worked for a bank in any capacity what so ever.

Far Queue symbol Everybody in the whole wide world who has ever pretended to work as a bank regulator and collected a fat public-sector salary for doing bugger all.

Far Queue symbol "Far queue, far queue very much!" – Frank Zappa.

The Far Queue: the traditional parking place for everything "not wanted on voyage".

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