Put the blame where it belongs
Everyone is blaming the government for the panic buying and profiteering at petrol stations. But everyone also knows that whatever it does, the government always gets it wrong. So blaming the government is sheer hypocrisy and no longer an excuse for an outbreak of national boneheadedness and chaos in response to trade union greed.
Panic buying grips Romiley
Ever since the petrol tanker drivers started making strike noises, there have been big tail-backs along the main road due to drivers struggling to get onto the forecourts of the village's petrol stations for a splash 'n' dash. The situation has not been helped by some members of the government telling motorists not to panic and the rest advising them to grab every bit of fuel they can before the trouble starts.
The supermarket has had to assure customers that they don't have to hang around, waiting for loaves and rolls to cool to room temperature to avoid paying VAT, because the Stealth Tax doesn't begin until October 1st and bread is exempt anyway.
Healthy but hopeless
If you want a dunkable suggestive bisquit, DON'T buy the ones McVitie has mucked about with. They have added so much oily fat in the name of making them "healthy" that the bisquits drop to bits if they're just waved about in the vicinity of a nice cup of tea.
Britain heading for a Plague of Big Fat Politicians
Suddenly, the Parasites of the Palace of Westmonster have found a new way to blow taxpayers' money. They're scoffing hot pies 'n' pasties for photographers at every opportunity to prove that they're not bovvered about VAT as they're not paying it but the poor old taxpayer is when they present an expenses claim.
Eddie-Baby Milibandit is scoffing sausage rolls eight at a time and Eddie "He's Talking" Balls is expected to be the size of a house by the end of the month.
The Department of Consumer Affairs is recuriting Pastry Police. No previous experience nesessery, no formal educational requirments, asylum seekers and illegal migrants welcome. Full equipment and training provided.
Your Role: VAT will be charged on foodstuffs sold at a temperature above ambient from October 1st. Successful applicants will be trained in measuring outdoor and product temperatures, and comparing the two to determine if a particular food item is taxable.
The DCA is an equal opportunity, diversity rich employer.
Apply at the Romiley DCA Office, 114c Riverside Drive
Chancellor lies about his budget: so what else is new?
The Chancellor has to be under the evil influence of Gordon Broon. Why else would he be planning to grab cash from 50% of Britain's pensioners by freezing their tax allowances? And why else would he be pretending that they will be no worse off?
Cigarettes are going up to an extraordinary price, making them affordable only to the rich, MPs (who get them cheap, like their booze and grub), asylum seekers and criminals. The currently fashionable packets of 14 cigarettes are expected to disappear before the end of the year, being replaced by packets of 12 to make ciggies look almost affordable again.
From 2013, the packet size with shrink to 10, then 8, then 6, and cigarettes will eventually become cellophane-wrapped singles supplied with a couple of matches as a complimentary extra. Such is progress.
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Another one that got out too soon
The people who wanted to be the first to have it and rushed to buy the latest version of Apple's iPad have found that they need an unexpected accessory. The gadget can become too hot to hold after being in use for only 10 minutes or so, and the smart Pad-user now has an oven glove at the ready.
When in doubt, do something pointless
The government is planning to waste zillions of pounds of taxpayers' cash by banning the use of the words "husband" and "wife" on all documents in both the public and private sectors. Billions of documents will have to be redrafted, reprinted and reissued. Billions of perfectly good documents bearing the banned words will have to be scrapped. And the whole deal will cost the taxpayer MILLIONS of pounds at a time when the country is so deep in debt it's not true. If this is Coalition politics, then Dave 'n' Cleggie can take it and stick it where the sun don't shine!
Knee-jerk kicks PM in bum!
Dave the Leader promised a ban on cheap drink as a distraction from the howls of protest from all sides at the Granny Tax [sexist, Ed.] in the Budget. But, as New Labour found when Gordon Broon wanted to impose something similar, it's against EU competition law and drinks firms could take the government to court if Dave tries to put a law through Parliament.
Spot the difference
Labour mouthpieces would have us believe that there's a real difference between Tony B. Liar meeting donors in secret @ private houses and Dave the Leader giving his sponsors a dip into the nosebag @ official residences. And they're right. Mr. Liar was obviously ashamed of what he was doing and that explains why he met his sponsors in secret locations. Dave the Leader, in contrast, didn't think he was doing anything dodgy and that's why he did it in public spaces.
Talking about sheer stupidity, what about that 20% VAT on pies 'n' pasties if they're hot and none if they're not? That's penny-pinching bureaucracy for the sake of it worthy of a Gordon Broon Award.
Incumbent takes heart
America's Republican choices are dwindling. Rick Sanitorium, who doesn't know what day of the week it is, is gone. Newt "The Pornographer" Gingrich, who revelled in every salacious detail of Pres. Clinton's dalliance with Monica Lewinski, is a busted flush. And the winner, Mitt Romney, is an out of touch zillionaire and a member of a weird religious cult. All of which makes the ineffectual Pres. O'Bummer of the Democraps a racing certainty for re-election come November.
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His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!
Extent of the "green" scam revealed
Professor G. Hughes of Edinburgh University has looked at "alternative" energy generation and found that:
the operators of a wind turbine producing electricity worth £150,000 collect an additional £250,000 in subsidies;
In 2020, electricity from wind power will cost the consumer TEN TIMES more than electricity from gas-fired power stations, which will be needed anyway to keep the lights on when wind farms can't produce power;
Wind power is being sold as a way of reducing emissions of CO2 into the atmosphere, but by 2020, we will be paying £120 BILLION for wind-power electricity which would cost £13 BILLION if produced by gas-fired power stations, and the reduction in carbon dioxide emissions will be less than 3% of the power industry's current emissions i.e. an utterly insignificant amount in global CO2 production terms and it will have ZERO effect in terms of modifying the Earth's climate.
"Endangered" can be good for some!
Chinese hunters are paying a Canadian company $80,000 for a chance to bag a polar bear with a film crew and a taxidermist standing by to create a trophy. And the rich Chinese gentlemen have the perfect response for those who complain that polar bears are threatened by global warming "If the ice caps really are melting, the bears are going to die anyway so you might as well hunt them."
Canada has given hunters a ration of 500 per year of its thriving polar bear population.
The government's Economic & Social Research Council has just spotted that the British taxpayers' cash shovelled into the pockets of the UN's Clean Development Mechanism has gone to dealers in carbon credits, Global Warming Swindlers and burrocrats, and none of it has done anything to save the planet.
Democracy in Russia, never got off the ground
The Robert Mugabe of Russia stole the last Parliamentary elections via massive fraud, according to the opposition parties. Now, V. Putin has got himself back into the presidency for another 12 years by the same method. And this time, there's a lot more evidence of the fraud because people were watching out for it. Not that anything as trivial as proof counts for much in Vlad's Russia.
More of the same
The Belgian actor Hermann Rumpy-Pumpy has had his contract to play the President of Europe extended for a further 2 years with the endorsement of Dave the Leader. This undemanding role commands a salary of £250,000 per annum.
Privacy Invasion warning!
From this month, Google will be watching everything you do on its websites including email, YouTube and social networking. The plan is to target every individual user of Google services with "helpful" adverts based on Google's profile of the person concerned.
The way to minimize the spying is to avoid logging on to any Google service whilst on the Internet.
The spying could well be illegal under EU privacy laws, and Google might be hit with a fine of MicroSoft proportions in the far future, but Google has too much money to be worried about the EU.
Google can't be sued for publishing a libel if an account holder posts something defamatory on one of the company's websites. Apparently, Google is a "platform" rather than a publisher and has the same status as a wall, on which a vandal has sprayed graffiti. And whilst the owner of the wall has a certain moral duty to remove the defamatory graffiti, that owner is under no legal obligation to bust a gut to get the job done.
Even more of the same
In a feeble attempt to build up a sympathy vote, KGB agents were reported to be discovering assassination plots against the next Russian President, V. Putin, at the rate of 14 per day in the run up to the rigged presidential election, which was performed with the same lack of skill as the earlier rigged parliamentary elections.
News management rulz!
This month, the Chinese government banned all Internet and social-networking searches for the word "Ferrari" to conceal the identity of the son of a senior government waxwork, who was killed when he crashed a Ferrari 458 in Pekin.
There was additional embarrassment involved as the 2-seater car was also carrying two female passengers. The censorship was intended to stop people from asking how a civil servant could afford one of the world's most expensive cars without being heavily involved in corruption. Like that's going to happen!
EU Democracy in Action Again
The Irish are getting a referendum on the "fiscal compact", which the Germans hope will prop up the euro. But their president, the Tea Shop, has already signed the treaty and only 12 out of the 25 nations involved in it need to sign up to the treaty to make it law. But the Irish are obliged by their law to have the referendum, even if it's a complete waste of time and money which is a pretty good summary of what the EU is about, in the main.
Money talks louder than principles
Will Labour cut its ties with the trade union Unite, which is threatening to sabotage the Olympics because members are being asked to pay for their gold-plated pensions, and hand back the union's donations? Yeah, right!
What the hell is going on?
Dave the Leader's government is handing cash to Argentina, MILLIONs of pounds of taxpayers' cash, via the EU and the International Monetary Fund. This is the same Argentina which has a shaky, tin-pot government, which is sabre-rattling over the Falkland Islands and banning the importation of British goods and denying port facilities to British ships. Whose side is Dave on? [clue: It's not ours.]
Gordon Brown's endless campaign of reckless spending, which put Britain deep into debt, has cost savers a total of £76,000,000,000 thanks to 3 years of rubbish interest rates with more to come.
There's gratitude for you!
Pres. Sarko of France got £42 million of carefully laundered money from Col. Gadaffiy for his successful election campaign in 2007, according to Mediapart, an investigative website. But just 4 years later, he was bombing Gadaffiy into extinction. Is there anything more contemptible than a politician who won't stay bought?
Calm down, dears!
Why all the fuss over the Prime Monster meeting Tory donors? Everything was for sale under New Labour, including honours and an exemption from tobacco advertising regulations for Formula 1. How else could characters on ministerial salaries have become property millionaires?
Labour has always been bought and paid for by the trade unions, which is why Eddie-baby the Milibandit won't say a word about the threatened strike by petrol tanker delivery drivers their union provides 25% of the Labour party's income. And only this month, Red Ed skived off an NHS protest rally to cosy up to a donor at a football match.
Identical sleaze scandals under successive governments just proves that: "They all do it, everywhere, and they always will, no matter what they say."
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Who took a profit while the pockets of the world's taxpayers were picked.
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Same-sex offenders "out of control"
The number of same-sex offenders has risen dramatically in the last 18 months, a spokeswoman for Labour's shadow home secretary is claiming. "Despite Tory election pledges to reduce the rate of same-sex offences dramatically," she added.
A Home Office spokeswoman dismissed the Labour claim as "disingenuous" and pointed out that the Coalition has put in place a new counting system, which now includes a range of same-sex offences, which were ignored for over a decade by Labour for purely political reasons.
Shape up or ship out?
Coppers who fail to reach the required fitness standard, and that includes chief constables, face the prospect of being taken off active duty and losing about 3 grand in pay. And if they persist in staying unfit to tackle life on the streets, they could get the sack. The Police Federation is believed to be studying 'uman rights law as a matter of urgency to head off this discrimination against fat bobbies.
Want to get out of jury duty?
All you have to do is wrap yourself up in a set of robes, leaving just your eyes showing, and there's a sporting chance that the judge will toss you back into the jury pool to kick your heels on the grounds that you might be listening to an MP3 player instead of the trial, or even watching a video on fancy glasses.
Haven't they got this backwards?
West Midlands police have arrested a bus driver, whose vehicle broke down on the M25. A lorry driver went into the back of the stationary bus in fog but it's the bus driver who's under arrest on suspicion of causing death by dangerous driving.
New Zealand's first cannabis shop has a dispensing machine for the pot so that no one can be charged with dealing. But what about the guy who puts the dope in the machine and empties out the cash collector?
How desperate can you get!
Ed "The Wrong" Milibandit is said to be taking leadership lessons from Tony B. Liar. Just as well Eddie Baby isn't P.M. or we'd be going into another bloody foreign war before long.
Seriously . . .
Does anyone other than the Editor of the Daily Mail and Labour stooges give a rat's ass about whether Dave the Leader rode sacked News of the Screws boss Rebeker's borrowed police horse?
Cloth ears, or does the TV advert really say this?
"Blingapore Airlines a great way to die!"
"Nurse, he's out of bed again!"
Dave the Leader has suddenly started raving about Iran building intercontinental ballistic missiles which the Ayatollah BunchofCommies will use to nuke London. Just like Tony B. Liar started raving about Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction, which were supposed to be ready for use against us in 4-5 minutes.
Those whom the Gods wish to destroy, they first drive mad . . .
"Things you can get away with when there's no chance of a vote on your leadership No. 82:
If you're Eddie-baby Milibandit, pulling a sickie to get out of boring NHS protest rally to go on a junket to a football match is no problem at all.
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It has been pointed out that the expression "weird religious cult" is tautologous. We take the reader's point.