The Daily Disaster
 
 2012/January 
  draft
BFN email address
Previous MonthNext Month
No. 10 Certificate of EndorsementThe content of BFN meets New Labour's standards of accuracy and veracity, and our content is as reliable as a Liberal party election manifesto—guaranteed!

 WAR NEWS 

black flagsArgentine biological warfare plot foiled
An attempt to spread norovirus, a.k.a. the winter vomiting plague, around the Falkland Islands was sunk at the last minute when a "cruise liner" packed with members of the Argentine armed forces was denied permission to dock at Port Stanley.

black flagsTrumping the God card
Lord Carey, a former Archbishop of Canterbury, has lambasted the motives of the lefty bishops in the House of Frauds, who are pushing for a New Labour welfare state in which unlimited benefits are handed to the feckless and the unworthy. Strange there's no guidance on offer from the current incumbent of the job – whoever he is.

Romiley News
ROMILEY NEWS

Good news? Well, not actually.

world news
 WORLD NEWS 


black flagsEdinburgh Zoo to lose pandas? Shock, horror!
The Chinese government hired its pandas out to Edinburgh Zoo for 10 years on the understanding that they would be in the charge of the British people. So if Scotland goes independent, a lucky zoo in England will inherit them. There's another unexpected consequence which Mr. Salmond didn't plan for.

black square40-some per cent of English people want Scotland to go independent and leave the Union.
40-some per cent of Scots want to stay in the Union. So is that a draw?

black square18th January – Wikipedia's Day Off-line (sort off, if you didn't know how to work around it) in protest against ill-considered legislation going through the US Congress – allegedly to stop piracy but in reality an attempt to control what can appear on the internet and censor stuff which the US doesn't like.

black flagsPolitics Explained
Devo Max : Scotland is made financially independent decision-makingwise but if Mr. Salmond does a Gordon Broon and spends his country into bankruptcy then English, Irish and Welsh taxpayers will have to bail the Scots out.

 HEALTH NEWS 


X-ray machineDefinitely, the sickly man (and woman) of Europe
A study of insurance claims for whiplash injuries has shown that English & Welsh drivers have the weakest necks in Europe. A spokesperson for the Labour party blamed the government's NHS cuts rather than New Labour's policy of encouraging ambulance-chasing lawyers, who don't get the same degree of encouragement in Scotland.

black flagsMore business for zoos!
The NHS has started asking zoos for access to scanners built for elephants and other large animals because some of the customers are too huge to fit inside scanners built for normal humans. Apparently, this happens all the time in the United States, home of the enormous burger-bugger.

black flagsNatural Selection in Action!
A study in the USA has found that the accident and death rate for people who swan around in headphones and ignore the rest of the world, on foot or on a bicycle, has tripled in the last 6 hears.

black squareDoctors are threatening to go on strike if they have to pay for their pensions.

travel news
 TRAVEL NEWS 


brown flagsAs if Gordon Broon's spending spree wasn't enough . . .
The government's decision to back the HS2 high-speed train link from London to Birmingham will cost every household in the land £2,000. And that's only if the project is brought in to the target price of £33,000,000,000, which won't happen. Something else that won't happen is that the country will ever recover the cost of building this latest white elephant, which is out of the same box as Concorde and the Channel Tunnel. Worse, when it's running, no one who isn't on expenses funded by the taxpayer, like MPs and their staff, or a millionaire will be able to afford a ticket on the new wonder-train.

black flagsThe worst excuse of the century?
Captain "Coward" Schettino of the sunken cruise ship Costa Concordia didn't mean to abandon ship before his passengers had the chance to. He accidentally fell into a lifeboat and had no choice about going ashore. Where he accidentally fell into a taxi heading inland.
p.s. Capt. Schettino will have to change his name as he had proved he's not a little Schett, he's a great big one. (Note: perform with a South Efrican accent.)

 CLIMATE  NEWS 

GW sloganA plan devised by idiots and enforced by more of the same
The EU has ordered members to increase electricity production from "renewables" to cut carbon dioxide emissions in the mistaken belief that this will save the planet from an awful fate. The EU's focus is on wind power, but wind power, backed up by conventional power stations for when there's no or too much wind, produces more carbon dioxide than just running gas-turbine power stations all the time.
   Sez who? The Civitas think tank using this government's own figures.

GW sloganWhat does accuracy have to do with it?
Met Office staff have been awarded huge bonuses for failure in line with inherited New Labour practices. Last year's awards were up by 30% on 2010 levels in spite of the failure to warn the country that the winter of 2010/11 would be the coldest in living memory (apart from 1947's).

Home News
 HOME NEWS 
UK Flag

black flagsAn Olympic class excuse?
The management of King's College, Cambridge, has come up with a novel reason why their exam results were so crap this year. Apparently, their "students" were too busy protesting against the size of the university's tuition fees to do any studying.

black flagsEyes on you!
Ten of the biggest shopping malls in Britain have deployed stealth tracking technology to follow people via their mobile phones. The reason given is to find out which shops and services are of most interest and use to shoppers. The next logical step is either to evict traders who don't bring in enough business or charge the popular shops more rent and force them to put their prices up.

black flagsSomething else to thank Tony B. Liar & Gordie Broon for . . .
New Labour's policy of mass immigration to bolster its vote put 160,000 British citizens out of a job between 2005 and 2010. The Liberals in the Coalition are reported to be eager to continue the good work.

black flagsBad hat award
MPs, who know a thing or two about disgraceful conduct in office, are agitating for Fred the Shred, who wrecked the Royal Bank of Scotland then strolled into the sunset with a huge pay-off, to be stripped of the knighthood for "services to banking", which he got on the recommendation of G. Broon, the sacked prime monster who landed the British economy in its present mess.

ADVERTISEMENT

2012 Places to go instead of the london olympicsBOOK OF THE MONTH
2012 Places To Go Instead of the London Olympics
by Gorren Moore

  • Suggestions for days, fortnights, weeks and even months away
  • Do it on the cheap, do it on the dear!
  • The essential companion for the summer of 2012

The excellent hardback book is yours for just £19.99 / €34.49 plus NO VAT because we don't believe in it.

Buy it @ Romiley Bookstore, 101, Riverside Drive, Romiley

 FOOD NEWS 

the EU, better out than inAnother reason for saying, "To hell with the EU!"
British farmers face unfair competition from France, where farmers are allowed to continue to use their "barren battery cages" for egg production without fear of prosecution by the Sarkozy regime. Battery cages became illegal to use under EU rules at the start of this year, and British farmers have adopted a more expensive system which gives hens more room to manoeuvre.

 DOSH NEWS 

black flagsTotally unwanted!
The euro is in such deep trouble that everyone, but everyone is getting out of it. And that includes big stores like Sainsbury's and Lidl, which have junked euro chocolate coins in favour of good old reliable sterling. Lidl, in particular, seems to have done quite well out of the switch.

the EU, better out than inGrab warning!
The European Commission is trying to make things harmonious again. And that means abolishing our reduced VAT rates, including zero rating on food, books & newspapers and children's clothing. The EU's position is that SOME of the stolen cash can be returned by reducing other taxes, like income tax. So that's money wasted on collecting the extra VAT, money wasted on changing the existing tax structure and money wasted on giving only SOME of the extra VAT back. Bureaucracy for the sake of it and lots of cash wasted – which is what the European Union is all about.

black flagsTalk big out of office, do nothing in office?
"We must tackle abuse of the tax system. For those who employ the right accountant, the tax system is a haven of scams."
   Antonio B. Liar, 1994, going for the Labour party leadership
Income, £12 million, tax paid on it, £315,000
   Antonio B. Liar's accounts, 2011, after a decade as prime monster

black flagsU-Turn
Virgin Bank has decided not to charge customers £5/month for a current account with what was the failed Northern Rock bank after prolonged howls of protest. But anyone who is willing to pay for a current account will be offered the usual range of fairly worthless perks.

black flagsBad News : Britain's official national debt has hit £1 TRILLION.
Worse News : It has been over a trillion quid for years thanks to G. Broon's tactic of hiding debt, like PFI projects and the infrastructure of the railways, off the books so that he could lie about the state of the economy.
  Adding on the cash handed to the bailed-out banks, the trillion becomes £2,300,000,000,000.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

Crime News
 CRIME NEWS 

black flagsMore cash for the lawyers
V. Blank and E. Daniels, respectively former chairman and chief executive of Lloyds Banking Group, are to be sued by US shareholders for pretending that a takeover of HBoS was a good deal for LBG shareholders. In fact, HBoS was insolvent when the takeover took place, and required a bail-out of BILLIONS from the British taxpayer. Worse, LBG shares are now trading at less than 10% of the price at the time of the takeover, when Blank and Daniels were running the company into the pocket of the British taxpayer.
 • A similar class action is being prepared by British shareholders.
 • Blank & Daniels left LBG in ruins but they both strolled off with millions in pay-offs and pensions as rewards for failure.

the EU, better out than inChina sez "No!" to £79 million EU extortion attempt
Chinese airlines will not be paying the newly introduced EU tax on carbon emissions. The United States and Russia are also affected by the unilateral decision to bring air travel into the EU's Emission's Trading Scam; another a tax dressed up in "saving the planet" clothes. The US has just lodge protests about restraint of trade thus far. But maybe China's lead will stimulate God's Country into growing a set.

black flagsOn the lam in Japan
This month, 800 cops had to hurtle around Hiroshima looking for Japan's first prison escaper for over 20 years. Li Guolin, a foreign devil from China, got over a fence using handy scaffolding. Residents in the area around the gaol were asked not to hang out washing as Mr. Li escaped in his underwear and needed a cover-up.

black squareAnyone who failed to cry convincingly enough over the demise of North Korea's dictator was awarded free blubbing lessons in a labour camp.

black squareNew rules from the Sentencing Council, coming into force next month, will let drug dealers caught with a suitcaseful of cannabis escape a gaol sentence. How very New Labour.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

www.Crooks In Action.co.uk

No longer new on the World Wide Web – a brilliant resource exposing Nigerian-type 419 scams, bogus lotteries & job offers, phishing attempts and much, much more!
CLICK HERE to find out what email miracles are on offer.

Far Queue List

Far Queue symbol Anyone and anything to do with the euro.

Far Queue symbol Prime Monster Vlad of all the Putins.

Far Queue symbol Virgin Money, which got a sweetheart deal from the government when buying the failed Northern Rock bank (the taxpayer took a £400,000,000 kick in the teeth), and which will charge new customers £5/month for a current account.

Far Queue symbol Judge S. Pitt, who thinks that illegal immigrants who play cricket and make friends here are entitled to a social life here, and at the British taxpayer's expense, rather than in their country of origin.

Far Queue symbol E. Milibandit, whose only solution to the disaster which Labour made of the British economy is to stop raising the Winter Fuel Allowance for pensioners by the rate of inflation – he doesn't seem to know that the Tories didn't give pensioners an inflation-rate rise in the WFA in 2011, they CUT the allowance instead.

Far Queue symbol HMRC, which has been convicted of deliberately contriving to stick small firms with huge late-payment fines as a Broon revenue raising tactic.

Far Queue symbol Whoever was steering the cruise ship Costa Concordia and its captain, the escape artist Signor Schettino.

Far Queue symbol Labour MP J. Dromey, who continued working for the Unison union after he became an MP, didn't report £60,000 in payments and will be allowed to get away with it without penalty under the new, tougher rules on abuse of their privileges by MPs.

Far Queue symbol Lord McConnell, the former Labour leader in the Scottish parliament, who pushed for a K for Fred the Shred, like wee Gordie Broon, and who thinks everyone else is to blame for letting Fred do his shredding, but not Fred himself, and Lord McConnell is innocent, too.

Far Queue symbol Ex-Cabinet Sec. Baron Gus O'Donnell of Clapham in the London Borough of Wandsworth, who doesn't know that Clapham is in Lambeth.

Far Queue symbolStephen Hester, head of the failed Royal Bank of Scotland, who got a £1M bonus despite presiding over a collapse in the share price and failure to meet the government's lending targets to small businesses – mainly because New Labour put the bonus in his contract.

Far Queue symbol "Far queue, far queue very much!" – Frank Zappa.

The Far Queue: the traditional parking place for everything "not wanted on voyage".

back to toppage
top
Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression.
Sole © RAL, January 2012.    Free web counters are available from www.digits.com