Vice-Prez Bliar & Co. stole a whole year from their customers via a bogus millennium change, which made the 20th Century only 99 years long and reduced the 2nd Millennium to a mere 999 years. And they're still at it!
A few years ago, Romiley Primary School was raising funds for its Millennium Library mainly because the local council wasn't interested in giving the school any cash. The library was built despite the council's miserly attitude, and proved to be a valuable local asset. But suddenly, the Liberals in charge of Stockport Council are breaking their necks to shut the school down and sell off the prime piece of real estate which it occupies.
Two Greek sprinters with a history of ducking drug tests didn't compete in the Athens Olympics last year after they missed another test on the eve of the Games. They came up with a story of a motorbike accident, in which no other vehicles were involved (and neither were the police), and stayed in hospital until the testers pushed off.
ASBO for Irish show-off
Cornelius Horan, a sacked Catholic priest, ruined the marathon at last year's Athens Olympics by dashing out of a pub and grabbing the Brazilian runner who was leading the race. He also disrupted the Grand Prix at Silverstone in 2003 by rushing out onto the track. No surprise, then, that Camberwell magistrates have imposed an ASBO on him to prevent an unscheduled appearance in this year's London marathon.
The Pope is being forced to work till he drops with no prospect of retirement. Even on his deathbed, Vatican officials continue to badger the dying John Paul II with paperwork over appointments and retirements in the Catholic church. His plight reflects the deep crisis in the Vatican Pension Plan, which has been in melt-down since the British Chancellor of the Exchequer, alias The Mugger was made a special advisor to the fund.
The Government has made a big thing of telling its customers to stay healthy by eating 5 portions of fruit and vegetables every day. But every time someone has dared to ask the Department of Health exactly what constitutes a 'portion', nothing helpful has been forthcoming.
Cardinal O'Connor, head of the UK's Roman Catholics, has announced that the Catholic community's traditional support for Labour is a thing of the past. Which leaves the rest of us wondering what there is about Catholicism which ensures instinctive support for the Labour party. It must be quite interesting for the customers to learn that when an RC bishop or archbishop looks down from a pulpit, he sees a bunch of Labour-supporting, ragged-arsed sons (and daughters) of toil rather than posh people like himself.
A waste of both space and money!
The BBC has paid £50,000 of licence payers' money to a 'Britartist' for this brilliant work of art.
A sign of dodginess going on behind the scenes?
Why are Hellmans spending so much dosh on advertising their mayo as a garnish for chips? Well, Belgium is about the only place where mayo on chips is popular (or, at least, considered not totally disgusting). And Belgium's capital is Brussels, which is the home of the European Union's meddling bureaucrats. So it seems more than possible that Hellmans have got wind of a fledgeling change to EU regulations in the offing. Like someone taking a bung to ban vinegar on chips and make mayo the only permitted garnish in the EU zone.
Cold War secrets revealed!
An Italian MP has spilled secret beans about what the Soviet Union was up to 35 years ago. Secret documents smuggled out of Russia show, Paulo Guzzanti claims, that Soviet submarines hid up to 20 nuclear weapons off the Italian coast in 1970 as part of a grand invasion plan. And they're still there! Rusting away!
The Labour party is holding secret election press conferences, to which only the faithful are invited. The unfaithful have to work out where they are and gatecrash. Why? Because Vice-Prez Bliar hopes to unload lies about the Tories at these gatherings (which are top secret for 'security' reasons) and stand The Mugger alongside him to pretend that they have always been good mates.
BRITAIN MEANINGLESS NOT SLOGAN!
The 3 best election pledges of the campaign so far:
TONY B. LIAR WASTE OF NOT SPACE!
Iraq War Revelations
Reg Keys, the father of one of the 6 British MPs who were isolated and murdered in Iraq, plans to stand against Vice-Prez Bliar in the general election. He would like all other candidates to drop out to give him a clear shot at the V-P.
Howard gets tough with Howard
Tory Leader Michael Howard has sacked party vice-prez Howard Flight and banished him from the Tory group in the Commons. His crime? Shooting his mouth off, despite a warning not to, at a private meeting, being recorded by a Labour infiltrator and becoming the focus of media attention, and more Labour Party lies, instead of the Labour Party's crimes in office.
For the benefit of any pensioners wondering where the 200 quid promised by The Mugger to help pay their Council Tax bill is you won't get it until November (assuming Labour wins the general election.)
Democracy In Action!
Prez Mug of Zimbabwe has promised a free and fair general election contest with the 'traitors' of the opposition. But he added that a win by the opposition would not be tolerated. Isn't it great what you can get away with in uncivilized Third World African countries?
Watch the blighters wriggle!
The Institute for Fiscal Studies used the government's own figures to calculate that the average household take-home income fell as a result of the Stealth Tax rises in The Mugger's 2002 budget.
The Australian Grand Prix provided a chaotic grid with Fisichella on pole, thanks to violent weather during the 2-part qualifying, but not much excitement and precious little overtaking. Coulthard was forced into a hazardous overtaking manoeuvre on Villeneuve at the first corner but the audience was probably asleep by the next overtake.
Black Spot for both Keller brothers in Malaysia
Fisi slid into Mark Webber when the Australian tried to overtake at a corner (and put both of them out of the race) and Barri gave up near the end, out of the points and with his tyres shot. So it was left to Fisichella's team mate Fernando Alonso to pick up the win for Renault in fine style.
Tommy Vance, the gravel-voiced radio DJ, has died at 61. His distinctive voice was ideal for radio and TV adverts; a spin-off from his long radio career, which began in the United States and continued in the UK with pirate and commercial stations as well as the BBC. He took over from Alan Freeman as the presenter of the only decent rock music show on Radio One, and lots of items from his 15-year stint with the Friday Rock Show live on in private recording collections.
A master of TV comedy has died at 68. With his laid-back style, sitting in front of the camera with his glass of whisky and his cigarettes, Dave Allen became essential viewing on the BBC in the 1960s. Lampooning Irishness, perceptions of Irishness, the Catholic Church and anything which irritated him, his TV success continued up to his retirement in the late 1990s. Dave Allen was one of a kind and he will be long remembered with affection.
The visionary car designer, whose dream turned to dust, has died at 80. He will be remembered with affection by car buffs for his stainless steel sports car with gull-wing doors. He will be remembered with no affection at all by the British taxpayers, whom he swindled via his factory in Belfast. DeLorean achieved great success at General Motors and he believed that he could go it alone. He was wrong. His only major solo achievements were persuading successive British governments to throw large amounts of taxpayers' money at his car plant and evading attempts by the authorities in Los Angeles to bust him for cocaine trafficking.
The last Real Labour prime minister has died at 92. He entered Parliament in 1945 and made a bid for the leadership in 1963. Callaghan was the Chancellor when Harold Wilson, then prime minister, told his Big Lie to the nation that devaluation would not affect the pound in everyone's pocket. Callaghan was subsequently shuffled to the Home Office. He changed hats from Foreign Secretary to Prime Minister when Wilson resigned in 1976, fearing the onset of Alzheimer's disease, and he was swept from power by Margaret Thatcher's Tories following the Winter of Discontent and 'Crisis? What Crisis?' headlines in the newspapers.
The 70-year career of this writer of science fiction and fantasy works has ended with her death at 93. She began her career writing for teenagers, she branched out to espionage and historical novels during World War II and she began publishing works of science fiction in the 1950s. She is best known for her Witch World series of fantasy novels aimed at teenagers and young adults. Andre Norton received a shower of awards for her science fiction and she wrote, and co-wrote, an impressive 160 novels, the last of which, Three Hands of Scorpio, will be published next month. The Science Fiction Writers of America plan to keep her memory green with an Andre Norton award for excellence in the field of writing for young adults.
Spring Offer for Our Readers
The History of the Millennium Dome after the Bombing
Prime Minister Angus McBlair had wished his Millennium Dome on an ungrateful nation and he planned to hold a millennium change junket one year too early. The Millennium Dome Bomber was determined to take the wind out of his sails. Find out who wins and who loses as the Millennium Dome's explosive history unfolds from December 1999 onwards . . .
Category : Contemporary History @ the Millennium Change
Someone has come up with an interesting twist on the theme of corporate blackmail. The Australian firm Multiplex has been ordered to hand over £20 million if they don't want snipers taking out the operators of their giant cranes at construction sites. Multiplex has contracts all over the world, including the new Wembley Stadium, and the police officers looking for the extortionist have a real headache of a job before them.
Cannabis use went up by 25% in the first two years after New Labour downgraded it from a Category B drug to Category C. The street price of cannabis has dropped by 40% over the last five years in response to market growth.
King Tut not murdered (or not the way they thought)
X-ray CAT scans of Tutankhamun's body have shown that his skull fractures occurred either during the mummification process or after his remains were found by Howard Carter in 1922. So all the books and TV programmes about his murder via a clonk on the head have been shown up as garbage.
Boy racers be warned! If you give your souped up car a kit which shoots sheets of flame out of the exhaust, the police will be after you and your insurance company will weasel out of your contract. In the first ever prosecution for this offence, Stephen Dixon of Colchester was fined £100 and awarded 3 penalty points for using a car in a dangerous condition that could have caused harm or injury.
The great, grey bulk of HMP Weare is about to disappear from Portland Harbour, Dorset. The UK's only prison ship is to be pensioned off after eight years as a 'temporary measure' intended to mitigate prison overcrowding. New Labour is hoping to house its overflow of criminal customers in private gaols built to a low-rise design and full of bright colours and natural light. The Home Office seems to be intent on making New Labour's prison experience as pleasant as possible rather than a grim alternative to the straight and narrow.
Flog 'em and hang 'em high works for Iran
When it comes to dealing with serial killers, Iran can teach the rest of the world a thing or two. Mohammed Bijeh, who preyed on children, received a trial behind closed doors then he was dragged out into public view for execution of his sentence. No nonsense about appeals to the House of Lords and the Eurocourt of Human Rights, just 100 lashes while being stoned by spectators, then death by slow strangulation while dangling from a crane. And the snuff movie of the whole spectacle should make a few bob for Iranian entrepreneurs.
The 192 directory inquiries service should never have been abolished, the National Audit Office has concluded. People are now paying up to ten times more to get phone numbers and they get duff information 17% of the time. Oftel, now consumed by Ofcom, made the fundamental blunder of fixing something which wasn't broke.
Good News for Criminals
Thanks to New Labour's love of bureaucracy and red tape, police officers spend less than 10% of their time tackling crime. Most of their day is, in fact, devoted to filling in forms and doing 'trivial tasks', according to the chief constable of Surrey. The Home Office insists on paying highly trained coppers to do low-level clerical work and chief constables have been left in no doubt that they will suffer severe budget cuts if they try to bring in lower skilled and paid civilian clerks to do the work. Why? So that the Government can falsify statistics about the numbers of police officers by citing total numbers without mentioning that 90% of them aren't fighting crime.
The police have decided to concentrate on their strengths to the virtual exclusion of all other areas of activity. So forget arresting people who commit burglary, assault, fraud and all that stuff. The police are going after motorists big time. Their prey of choice will be those who are driving around without the benefit of road tax and insurance. The idea is to raise vast amounts of cash from fines via a pilot scheme so that the whole country can be covered with a network of cameras linked to computers linked to tax and insurance records.
UN Secretary General Kofi Annan has used standard New Labour tactics to evade personal involvement (for the moment) in a corruption scandal involving UN staff and his son, Kojo.
Europe Minister Denis McShane is in trouble for calling the French voters who oppose the EU constitution néo-cons, which translates as neo-cretins. He has upset a French socialist MP so much that the bloke plans to take Dr. bloody Denis to court for 'public abuse'.
Fresh evidence has emerged that Lord Goldsmith, the attorney general, didn't declare the 2003 Iraq war legal until his arm had been twisted right up his back by Vice-Prez Bliar's minions. The censored bits of the resignation letter of senior Foreign Office legal adviser Elizabeth Wilmshurst have leaked and they show that Goldsmith started off saying the war would be illegal, he faced both ways for a while and he finally flopped in the right direction for Vice-Prez Bliar.
In March 2002, Vice-Prez Bliar decided regime change in Iraq had to go ahead even though his Whitehall officials told him that there was no basis for it in international law.
A German amateur mathematician has claimed the world record for the largest known prime number. Dr. Martin Nowak, a dentist, came up with [225,944,951] -1 on his home computer. His number contains nearly 8,000,000 digits. The search continues for a prime containing 10 million digits, for which the Electronic Frontier Foundation will pay a bounty of $100,000.
An inventor in Finland has come up with a jacket to protect dogs from wolves. It blasts a 1,000-Volt shock into anything which bites the jacket and there is padding to save the dog from injury. Wolves kill just 30 dogs per year in Finland so it doesn't sound like Jussi Aro has much of a market. Even so, he hopes to have the jackets on sale this autumn.
Look out, Baron Frankenstein!
Scientists at Stamford University, California, are planning to breed mice with brains made entirely of human cells. They have already produced mice with brains containing 1% of human cells. The object of the research is to understand how human stem cells (which will be added to the mice) might provide a cure for brain diseases such as Alzheimer's and Parkinson's.
City Tip! Hackers are believed to be field-testing viruses to find out which work best with the new generations of mobile phones. Sounds like a good time to buy shares in the firms which offer anti-virus software!
Forget Global Warming and the Gulf Stream switching off. Forget Death Rocks From Space devastating the planet. This month's Reason To Be Fearful is one of Earth's super volcanoes. There are five of them: one each at Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming; Long Valley, California; Naples, Italy; Toba, Indonesia; and Taupo, New Zealand. If any of them blows, the result would be a 'volcanic winter' and another mass extinction. And the one at Yellowstone, the experts believe, is getting ready to let go anytime in the next ten thousand years.
Time to consult the expert?
Physicists in New York reckon they have created a black hole, which lived for a hundred thousand billion billionth of a second, by smashing the nuclei of gold atoms into one another at near light speed. Seeking to consult an expert, they are now planning to visit London, where The Mugger has created a much more enduring black hole in the nation's finances, which is likely to linger on for decades if Labour is re-elected in May.
The Driving Standards Agency imposes quotas on driving examiners to make sure that their individual pass/fail rates reflect the average rates for their area. This archetypal New Labour system of targets was exposed when an examiner was sacked for having a personal pass rate over 10 points lower than his local average rate of 47%.
Non-stop around the world
American millionaire 'adventurer' Steve Fossett has succeeded in his bid to fly solo around the world in GlobalFlyer. His aircraft is constructed of composite materials which, he hopes, could make future aircraft cheaper, more fuel efficient and more environmentally friendly. When asked about the long-term significance of his flight before he took off, Mr. Fossett replied, with rare honesty, "None!"
Brits unfair game for a rip-off
The travel firm Thomson looks like being shopped to the European Commission for charging British holidayers 45% more than Dutch customers for the same holiday. The scam was uncovered by the 'consumer watchdog' Which? and the cause has been taken up by Trading Standards officers.
UK Rail travellers have been warned that 40% of tickets bought on-line from thetrainline.com could be invalid and using them could result in a fine and having to pay for the journey again at a higher price.
Britain's roads are full of potholes because local authorities are misusing funds allocated for road repairs. As a result, claims by motorists for damage caused by sub-standard roads are up 60% and £93 million was wasted on compensation payments last year. Romiley residents can confirm that Stockport Council is a prime offender where neglect of roads and pavements is concerned.
Someone else taking the p*ss out of the customers?
Ryanair has a long history of offering customers rock-bottom fares for their flights and then tacking on all sorts of stealth charges, or advertising flights to tourist-trap cities but landing their aircraft at airports miles and miles away. Their latest profit-seeking dodge is to sell own-brand bottled water at £4 per litre. This nice little earner consists of Thames Water's product (costing 0.06p per litre) plus a spot of carbon dioxide to give it a fizz.
APOLOGY of the MONTH
BlackFlag News would like to apologize on Vice-Prez Bliar's behalf to Admiral the Hon. John Byng, MP, who was shamefully done to death on 14th March 1757 by a British Government not unlike the Vice-Prez's. Admiral Byng was made the scapegoat for the Government's negligence, which resulted in the loss to the French of the Mediterranean island of Minorca.
Negative advertising seems to be the trend of the moment. Drink Horlicks and become a vindictive bastard. Put Hellman's mayonnaise on your chips and become an enormously fat Belgian. Are these TV adverts likely to sell more of the above products? No! So it looks like a couple of ad agencies are heading for the order of the boot.
No wonder they call them TRIVIAL-Democrats!
Nearly 4 years ago, a polished boulder inscribed with the text of a 16th Century curse went on show in Carlisle. A Triv-Dem councillor is now lobbying to have it removed as he is blaming it for the area's recent disasters, which include the foot and mouth outbreak, job losses at major employers, fires in the city, their football team's relegation and this year's floods.
Nottingham county and city councils have decided to abandon Robin Hood as their symbol. So they paid £120,000 to a PR agency, which came up with a giant letter N. WOW!!!!
92% of all emails are spam, says an email security firm. BlackFlag News is surprised to hear that the figure is as low as 92% and feels that 96.8% would be nearer the mark.
"One in three people in the UK has links with a terror group," said a Government security expert. The rest of his remarks were drowned in gales of laughter from his audience.
The ITV soap The Bill is painting an interesting picture of Sun Hill's Moslems. They don't want to know the police and they're so deeply sunk into victimhood that they won't shop drug dealers (unless someone puts a charge of dynamite under them) in case having criminals in their ranks reflects badly on their 'community'.
2003: "Saddam Hussein has chemical and biological weapons of mass destruction which are ready for use against the UK in 4-5 minutes."
A failure of imagination?
A woman in Stalybridge is being persecuted by her neighbours and her local council for having a garden that looks like a refuse tip. The town hall tyrants are so upset that they are threatening to chuck Mrs. Helen Abbott in gaol for 14 days, and she faces eviction by the housing association from which she rents the house. BlackFlag News would like to suggest a way out for Mrs. A. All she has to do is claim that her garden is an installation and apply to the Big Lottery Fund for a grant to maintain a national treasure. Or she could always flog it off to a London-based collector with more money than sense.
The Government's plans for imposing hugely expensive ID cards on its customers and giving them a casino on every high street are unravelling at high speed. Vice-Prez Bliar has upset so many residents of the House of Commons that most of the bills offered in the last Queen's Speech are falling by the wayside as reality bites.
Not much of a budget
The Mugger was extravagant in his bogus claims that he's brought prosperity to the nation for the longest period in the known universe but his offerings didn't amount to all that much. He took a billion pounds from the oil companies and handed some of it to pensioners to pay this year's Council Tax. But he gave the 'grey voters' a one year only deal, which means they're on their own when the Council Tax increase percentage hits double figures next year.
Congrats! to Pte. J. G. Beharry of the 1st Battalion the Princess of Wales's Royal Regiment on being awarded the Victoria Cross for valour in the presence of the enemy in Iraq.
"Don't vote, it only encourages them!" Which is probably why 3 million people, according to the Department of Guesswork, have not bothered to register to vote in the May 5th general election.
Vice-Prez Bliar has been shamed into cleaning up his act somewhat. The country is no longer in danger of being thrust into an illegal war on the strength of a chat over drinks involving Tony and his political staff with no one taking notes. The V-P is being obliged to return to the proper cabinet procedures with everything on the record, and Labour politicians are not to be allowed within a million miles of spy data as the evidence shows that they are unable to resist lying about it and distorting it out of all recognition.
NASA used to be the butt of jokes about its fiscal out-to-lunchness. Who can forget the $1,000 lavatory seats and $500 hammers? But the BBC, for all its cost-cutting and sackings, is right there with NASA in the waste-of-cash stakes. The Beeb outsources work to Land Securities Trillium, a property management firm, and the good old generous Beeb is quite happy to pay LST £57 to change a light bulb, £2,500 to erect 9 shelves, £5,500 to install a £2,500 air-conditioner and £1,000 to put up a sign.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Crooks In Action
The European Union is promising to do something about the criminals who send out emails about bogus lottery wins and extract cash from the gullible as 'administration fees' (but don't hold your breath).
The Government announced last month that it was determined to do nothing about the threat of Avian Flu, which has killed three-quarters of the humans who contracted it. The Department of Health insisted that it had no stocks of vaccine and it had no plans to purchasing any.
Reasons to be idle Number 99 : Community Acquired MRSA is spreading to communal areas of gyms and sports centres via dirty and poorly cleaned towels. CA-MRSA causes boils and other skin inflammations, and it can trigger a lethal type of pneumonia. You Have Been Warned!
German beer consumption is down 20% over the last year. Breweries are faced with a choice between going out of business and finding a way to convince younger boozers that beer is quite cool, actually, and alcopops are for wimps.
The Government has been forced to scrap its plans to ban, on cost grounds, NHS prescriptions for drugs which provide an effective delaying treatment for Alzheimer's disease at about £2.50 per day. Vice-Prez Bliar is worried about losing even more of the 'grey vote'.
Garden alert: killer ladybirds on the way!
As the weather warms up, a predator from the Far East will soon be rampaging around British gardens. The harlequin ladybird arrived as an illegal immigrant on plants imported from one of our European neighbours last September. It is bigger, tougher, hungrier and psychopathic compared to our 46 native species of ladybird.
Upset by the loss of his parliamentary expenses, IRA spokesman Martin McGuinness has warned the relatives of Robert McCarthy, who was murdered by the IRA at a Belfast bar last month, not to stand against him and his mates in the general election. Isn't it great what you can get away with when you have a private army behind you?
Attention all pot-heads! It would be a good idea to stock up on your noble weed of choice. Home Sec. Charles Clarke is going soft on New Labour's policy of going soft on cannabis. He has suddenly realized that Vice-Prez Bliar's being soft on criminals and soft on the causes of crime isn't impressing the customers, especially with a general election looming. So Clarke is now planning to make possession of cannabis non-compulsory. And he might even try to make it ILLEGAL if he thinks he can get away with it!
Are Americans born evil or do they have to work at it?
Mrs. Terri Schiavo has been in a vegetative state, severely brain-damaged and unable to swallow, for 15 years. She has no quality of life and her husband thinks she should be allowed to die. Her family and the lunatic fringe in the United States want to keep her alive by artificial means just for the sake of keeping her alive.
Barclays are proper Klingons when it comes to their customers' cash!
Customers of Barclays Bank found themselves unable to draw money from cash machines on Easter Sunday. When the clocks went forward one hour, the bank's main computer got itself in a tangle and refused to have anything to do with ATM transactions for the rest of the day.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
For the tenth successive year, the European Union's accountants have refused to approve its accounts. They were not convinced that the £70 billion of taxpayers' money went to the right people and not the usual crooks. Every member of the European Commission, apart from Neil Kinnock, was obliged to resign six years ago because of the amount of money which was disappearing no one knew where.
The government of Sudan, a country which practises genocide almost as a national hobby, would like the name of the allegedly carcinogenic red dye Sudan 1 changed. The Sudanese government is worried that bad publicity from the recall of food products containing the dye will have an adverse effect on their country's reputation around the world.
The spivs have their hands out again
The UK is about to overtake Germany as the biggest contributor to the EU's coffers. Our price of membership of this corrupt, shambolic and bullying organization will be £4.3 billion compared to Germany's paltry £4.1 billion. To balance this, the UK is right at the bottom of the list when it comes to getting cash back from the EU. And despite all of the above, the blighters are still trying to grab the UK's Thatcher Rebate, even though they have done nothing about the unfair system which justifies the rebate.
The chess grand master and former American Bobby Fischer has escaped from Japan after being held there since July last year. Japan's criminal government kidnapped him at the behest of that war criminal Prez Bush, Mr. Fischer said on his release. His 'crime' was to play chess against Boris Spassky in Montenegro in 1993. Mr. Fischer escaped from the 'bullshit' charges by applying for political asylum in Iceland and then for citizenship of that frozen nation.
The French and the Germans used their stooge Vice-Prez Bliar to block an EU plan to open up the labour market in their countries to competition from lower-waged European nations. Then Jacques "I'd be in gaol if I wasn't in office" Chirac sent the Vice-Prez on his way with a pat on the head and a kick up the bum in the form of a warning that the UK rebate from the EU will be toast this summer. Which leaves the rest of us asking: "Do we really need friends like the Frogs and the Germans?"
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