We have just had what is officially the hottest June since the Great Drought Year 1976. June ended and July started with such determined downpours that this month looks like it's fixing to be the wettest July since the Great Flood. Still, as a benefit to Romiley residents, the swimming pool in the mini-park at the junction of Compstall Road and Sandy Lane is filling up nicely ...
A Harley Street doctor has announced that he has supplied some female MPs with testosterone patches to make them more stroppy and masculine in the House. Trade & Industry Sec. Praticia Hewitt immediately said that the story isn't true -- which proves that it must be.
Don't Mention The D-Word
Vice-Prez Blair has come up with a radical new strategy on targets. His previous policy was to shift the goalposts if his minions missed an arbitrary target. Now, he has admitted that his gang is incapable of DELIVERING on its promises and he has abandoned targets completely. He will now concentrate on changing names because he thinks that doing it makes something better, e.g.
While we're talking about the Fire Brigade ... it is understood that a special unit in London is standing by in case the blaze in Alastair Campbell's pants starts a second Great Fire of London.
ITV Makes A Bog Of Grand Prix
Lots of people said ITV weren't capable of handling the Formula One franchise -- and ITV itself proved the critics right at the French Grand Prix. Instead of showing Ralf Schumacher's last lap and his Williams cruising past the chequered flag, followed by his team mate Montoya, ITV put some adverts on! And then it showed the ITV 1 logo and played some uninspired music. Not the sort of conduct one would expect from a TV company which is organized.
The Mugger's Mate
The new governor of the Bank of England, Mervyn King, joined the Chancellor's crusade against the British public with a cut in the bank rate at the first opportunity. The Mugger has ruined the pensions industry with his stealth taxes. Mr. King seems hell-bent on doing the same to the savings industry and the economy. After all, why bother saving for a rainy day if the interest rate on your money is a joke?
Unfair To Arthur Daley
Arthur was a model of propriety and sound business methods next to 'Dodgy' Blair. Tory leader Ian Smith will do Arthur a grave injustice when he mentions him and the Vice-Prez in the same breath in his speech to the party faithful at Millbank Tower.
Power Project Blowing In The Wind
The government is planning to spend £6 billion on building off-shore wind turbine farms. They 'could' be providing power for 17% of the UK's homes by 2010, although the Tories have described the plan as 'absurd'.
£8 billion spent but NHS shows no improvements
Why? Because a lot of the money went on raising staff wages (not a bad thing) and the rest went on administrators and micro-managers (not a good thing).
Government threatens to take over Oxbridge management
Why? Because the universities are "too old fashioned and bureaucratic". The only problem is that the takeover will be by the same government which 'managed' the Millennium Dome disaster, the foot and mouth outbreak, the Wembley Stadium shambles, the Railtrack fiasco, the NHS stagnation, the current crisis in schools and the exam system, etc., etc.
Educational Spite, Educational Spite, Educational Spite
The government is threatening to remove the charitable status of private schools, which will send their fees rocketing. But this can't happen until after Labour MPs have voted themselves an extra allowance to cover the increased school fees.
Hoon Shocks Nation -- Keeps Trap Shut
Defence Secretary 'Buff' Hoon crashed a Foreign Office press conference to the surprise of Foreign Secretary Jack Straw. Then he proceeded to surprise everyone else there by not answering awkward questions about his part in the death of government WoMD expert Dr. David Kelly.
Just A Thought Or Two ...
If God had wanted people to fly with British Airways, she'd have let them travel with their luggage.
After the kicking the late Spike Milligan got in the Daily Mail, everyone who knew Bob Hope, who died aged 100 at the end of the month, should brace themselves for storms when his funeral is out of the way.
Official figures published at the end of this month show that, for the tax year 2002/2003, the Chancellor's mismanagement of the economy has cost the average family £2,000 and that his Stealth Taxes have added a further £4,000 for a total deficit of £6,000.
Street Crime Mirage
Vice-Prez Blair's street crime initiative was a flash in the pan, the official report says. Street crime was reduced in some areas, but increased in others, during the 6-month exercise in April to September, 2002; but the criminals just turned their attention elsewhere until the heat was turned off again. 10 months on, everything is pretty much as it was.
Home Secretary Blunk is planning to charge £42.50 for compulsory ID cards which will cost £1.97 to manufacture. Under forthcoming new legislation, his customers will have to carry a card bearing a 'smart' chip loaded with personal biometric data and a digital signature from January 1st, 2007. The exact nature of the biometric data has not yet been decided but it will comprise at least fingerprints and/or iris prints, and possibly a 'quickie' DNA profile, and master copies of everything will have to be stored in a grand government universal databank.
Blunk Just Wants To Be Noticed
Home Secretary David Blunkett is feeling ignored. That has to be the reason why he felt the need to have a go at (1) the BBC for illuminating the failure of his asylum policy, and (2) the prison service for letting Brendon Fearon out before David Martin. The latter decision stinks but you can be sure that the jobsworths have covered their asses, so Blunk is just getting himself some headlines rather than doing anything useful.
Stealth Tax #61
Home Secretary Blunk is planning to add £35 to all fines and £3 to the cost of a home insurance policy. Why? To give it to lawyers bringing bogus compensation claims and 'the victims of crime'. The spin is that the penalty will fall on vandals, thieves, muggers, burglars, etc. but we all know where the serious money will come from -- fines for parking and speeding. No wonder police forces everywhere are breaking their necks to install more and more speed cameras.
Loch Ness in Scotland is famous for having a monster, even though most of the pictures of the creature have turned out to be out-right fakes or 'not of anything in particular unless you want to see a monster in them'. The best known picture was 'taken' by Robert Wilson, a surgeon, in 1934 -- and revealed as a fake 60 years later. Various assaults on the monster's habitat have been undertaken by submarine and all sorts of high-tech equipment. None has produced any proof that there is a monster in the loch. In fact, Nessie's existence is about as well established as Saddam Hussein's Weapons of Mass Destruction -- the ones which were available for use in four to five minutes!
Government bans ageism in the workplace -- so that it can make people work until they are 70 to avoid having to pay them a pension at 65 because, guess what? The Mugger has ruined the pensions industry.
Smoke cannabis and you will become a nutter permanently, says the Institute of Shrinkology.
Gordon Prentice, MP, is going for the Brain-Dead Wheeze of the Month Award. He wants us to have regional anthems to replace God Save The Queen in the less civilized parts of the country.
Despite the Vice-Prez's dastardly insinuations, an analysis of its reports from Iraq has shown that the Blair Broadcasting Corporation was pro-war!
The provisional wing of the Countryside Alliance is threatening to make the MPs who voted for a ban on hunting face the consequences of their action. They plan to use their unwanted free time to disrupt the affairs of the people who disrupted their lives. Democracy in action, in fact.
The Police Minister Hazel Blears wants to pay young criminals £20K per annum to do 'community service' to deflect them from a life of crime. Yeah, like they won't go back to burgling and mugging in the evenings and at weekends!
Getting divorced is the path to riches -- but only for men. Leaving his wife can make a man up to four times richer than someone who remains in the chains of matrimony.
Cherie Blair is in the market for a PR guru to give her an acceptable public image. Only proven miracle workers need apply.
12-year-old Shevaun Pennington is back with her family after running off with a 31-year-old Yank, whom she met on the Internet. Let us hope her mother sells her PC and keeps the kid chained to a radiator until she acquires some sense.
The government made such a bog of the 2001 census that it's planning a re-run in 2006.
The government has fiddled the crime figures again. The actual numbers of crimes are up but that makes us safer. Somehow.
MoD WoMD expert Dr. David Kelly commits suicide after being thrown to the wolves by the government as a tactic in its ass-kicking contest with the BBC, parliament, the public and everyone else.
Responding to comments on the mental health of Vice-Prez Blair in the New Statesman, an official spokesman has assured the nation that our fearless leader has not gone "potty".
Wearing your tie too tight can put pressure on the neck veins, raise the pressure in the eye and give you glaucoma, says a study by New York's Eye & Ear Infirmary.
Rogue judge wastes £25 million of the taxpayer's money by abandoning a trial based on a police sting operation against Gibraltar-based crooks. The judge bleated 'entrapment', the police said, "He's crazy."
Sadly, but only for her, the EU's legal experts have told her that she can't do it. So she'll just have to go back to straightening her paperclips for amusement.
Another EU No-Brainer
The EU has decided that all chemicals which have been in use since before 1981 must be tested for safety with regard to human health and the environment. New products introduced after 1981 have to be tested but traditional ones escaped scrutiny -- until now. So table salt, beers, wines and spirits, baking soda, washing soda, plastics, glass and a whole BUNCH of other stuff will have to be tested with no order of priority. Things that have been used safely for thousands of years will not be pushed to the back of the testing queue.
EU @ Panic Stations
The European Commission is terribly afraid of what will come out of the investigation of Eurostat, its statistics agency, which was involved in 'a vast enterprise of looting'. Millions of euros of taxpayers' money have vanished into irregular reserves and secret bank accounts, and the EU's bosses are worried that the Commission may have to resign en masse, like Jacques Santer's rotten bunch in 1999. And with euro elections coming up next year, they're not going to be able to sweep everything under Neil Kinnock's carpet, as usual.
Clowns In Action
Anyone working more than 10 feet off the ground is required to wear appropriate safety clothing and there are NO EXCEPTIONS. So we can expect to see trapeze artistes wearing hard hats and high-wire walkers struggling along in steel-toed safety boots in the name of European harmonization. What next? An MOT for the disintegrating clown car?
A Cautionary Note
While the scheming eurocrats are dreaming up ridiculous regulations to get the customers laughing, let us not forget why they do it. It's a diversionary tactic to take the taxpayers' attention away from what is happening at the core of this rotten ant-heap. 10% of the budget is STOLEN every year by crooks and EU bureaucrats. And the response of the eurocrat in charge of rooting out corruption, a certain failed British politician called Kinnock, is to sack or suspend whistle-blowers.
The UK car market used to be condemned regularly as a rip-off compared to Europe. But all that has changed in the last 6 months and cars (some of them) are now cheaper here than in our near European neighbours. And anyone who doesn't believe it is suffering from Dodgy Dossier Syndrome.
"I'm on the motorway, having a shagtastic time!"
A German man crashed his car into a motorway sign while bonking a hitchhiker, a court in Cologne heard. But all the police could do him for was fleeing the scene of the accident. German legislators had not thought of making a high-speed shag illegal. So the bloke was fined €600 for assault and battery on the sign and ordered to pay a further €400 for repairs.
Trust an Irish God-botherer to spoil a British occasion
Motor-racing fans were watching the British Grand Prix at Silverstone with their seatbelts fastened. Why? Because the cars were OVERTAKING one another ON THE TRACK and the spectators were in danger of falling out of their chairs from shock. The seat belts were put under severe strain when a lunatic in an Irish kilt and emerald green underpants started running down Hangar Straight towards the cars.
Lance Armstrong has won his 5th Tour de France, becoming the 5th man to achieve this feat, and poor old Jan Ullrich has come second behind him for the 5th time in a row. They say that no one ever remembers the second-placed man, but Ullrich does have his win in 1997 to look back on.
Customers at the Great Western Hospital, Swindon, can have 2 glasses of red wine per day as part of their treatment. Research suggests that the antioxidants in red wine can cut the risk of a heart attack by 50% and a stroke by 20% [So maybe a bottle a day would make you 100% safe from both? Ed.]. Red wine also prevents blood clotting and 'furring' of the arteries by cholesterol.
Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi told a finger-stabbing, ill-mannered lout of a German MEP, "Mr. Schulz, in Italy, they're producing a film on Nazi concentration camps. I would like to suggest you for the role of Capo (commandant). You would be perfect."
Unfair To Sergeant Schulz -- a reader writes :
How dare the hacks bring Sergeant Schulz from the US comedy series Hogan's Heroes into this shambles? The Sgt. Schulz on TV was a thoroughly decent, if gullible, guard at a prisoner of war camp not a concentration camp. He most certainly was not a finger-pointing, loud-mouthed yob like the socialist MEP Martin Schulz. So anyone who starts linking the 2 Schulzes owes a massive apology to Sgt. Schulz.
Talking about badly behaved Krauts ...
A bloke in Berlin is facing a spell in gaol because he taught his dog, Adolf, to give a Nazi salute with his right paw on command. Asian and Turkish mothers complained when they saw Adolf busy Sieg-Heiling their kids outside their school and Roland Tach yelling racialist insults at them. The fate of the dog was not revealed.
Realizing that he has no hope of justifying the war that way, Vice-Prez Blair has abandoned his hunt for Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. What he's after now is proof of a WoMD programme. And all that takes is some professorly bloke with an Iraqi accent claiming he was in charge of the programme and some bodged up documents of the sort that could be knocked out on the Downing Street spin-doctor's desk-top publishing computer. All the spin-doctor needs is a copy of WordPerfect, which provides a couple of Arabic fonts.
Words of Mass Deception
Vice-Prez Blair would have us believe that no one will find the Weapons of Mass Destruction because Saddam Hussein hid them in September, 2000 -- which had the benefit for everyone else that they couldn't be used quickly.
Terrorist Suspects Cast Adrift
The government has decided that the case of the Guantanamo Two is all about legal aid for the lawyers who would get to defend them in a UK court, and so they're going to spare the country the expense of trying them and let our American allies bear that burden of cost.
Some inconsistency here, surely?
A Sky News reporter sexed up a report on submarines during the Iraq war by splicing together film shot on a docked submarine and archive footage of a cruise missile launch. Standard drama-doc stuff, surely? And pretty much in the same spirit as the dodgy dossiers which were used to justify the whole shooting match anyway.
"History will forgive us," Vice-Prez Blair told the US Congress
And what do we have to show for this £5 billion? Well, George Bush wants to devalue the Congressional Gold Medal (which was awarded to Winston Churchill) by giving one to his good pal Tommy, but he's a bit too embarrassed to do it on this month's transatlantic junket for the Vice-Prez.
Just A Thought Or Two ...
Why don't the Yanks make Saddam Hussein the 2 of clubs, instead of the ace of spades, in their pack of cards showing Iraqi criminals? If they do, everyone will assume he's unimportant and ignore him.
Why is everyone so damn certain that Dr. David Kelly committed suicide and that Uday and Qusay Hussein did the same? And is there any chance that the Vice-Prez and Alastair Campbell will get the message?
Buy an Epson printer and you'll go broke in a hurry, a survey by the consumer magazine Which? has shown. Their ink and toner cartridges are programmed to show 'empty' when they're still half full and their ink, volume for volume, is 761% dearer than 1985 vintage Dom Perginon champagne.
Some dieting system that no one's ever heard of [No one who matters, Ed.] is getting itself publicity by getting into an ass-kicking contest with the potato industry. Carbohydrates are bad for fatties, apparently. BlackFlag News confidently predicts that the humble spud will be around and thriving long after this latest fad diet has taken its place in the dustbin of history.
Genetic Monstering : The Shock Verdict
Vice-Prez Blair's beloved GM crops will bring no economic benefits to the UK. Worse, genetic monstering will leave the UK over-run by super-weeds and the population gasping with a host of new allergies. There will also be massive clean-up costs for un-polluting organic farms when the genetic monster gets out of its box.
Pizza Conquers Cancer
A study in Milan has found that eating pizza regularly reduces the risk of cancer of the oesophagus by 50% and cancer of the colon by 26%. The tomato sauce is thought to provide the protective effect.
Food Frolicks In France
Assuming that she would not be able to buy puff pastry in France, Gail Booker took some ready-mixed puff pastry along when she, her family and her friend Peter Calder went to France on holiday. She became detached from her rucksack due to a mix-up over luggage. Mr. Calder rang Toulouse airport to ask about it, but he couldn't get through. The French police had closed the airport because they had found the rucksack, assumed that the puff pastry was Semtex and blown up the rucksack!
Being robust -- lying and blustering shamelessly; e.g. the Vice-Prez was robust when defending himself in the Commons against charges of misleading his customers.
I bloody well hope not! -- an expression of sincere horror; e.g. Prince Philip's reaction when asked by artist Stuart Wright if he'd captured his likeness in a portrait.
After threats of various boycotts by the United States on behalf of Israelis war criminals, the Belgian government is going to repeal its Universal Competence law, which allows war criminals from anywhere in the world to be tried in a Belgian court. In future, it will be restricted to a Belgian Competence law.
Another Trough For Eager Snouts
First, lawyers enriched themselves by taking on the tobacco companies on behalf of clients who knew smoking would give them cancer, heart disease, etc., but they went ahead and did it because nicotine is addictive and they had an excuse for their lack of self-control.
|Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression.|
© RAL, July 2003.