Sabotage (2014, Arnold Schwarzenberger) John, our hero and DEA undercover, had a video of his wife being tortured to death by a cartel boss.The squad raided a building, sidelined $10 million and blew up the rest of the cash. But when they reached the sewers, their loot had gone! The DEA knew the cash was missing from the main stash but an investigation fizzled out and ancient John got his badge and gun back.
   He had to kick his squad back in to shape; they no longer trusted him. [memo to self: the TV will have to be reloaded with **cks after this film] After a boozy night, one of the team woke up in his camper, which was parked on a level crossing with a train approaching. Another guy was nailed to the ceiling at his home.
   An FBI lady, Caroline, got the brick wall treatment from the DEA but she was slipped a tape recording telling her about the $10M. Tripod dropped off the grid. He was taken out by Guatemalan special forces guys. Caroline was told that John was obsessed with finding his wife's killer. The gang shot up a meth lab; not a cartel operation.
   Some guy out fishing found the Guatemalans in a lake. The team fukin broke apart. One of them told Caroline that the team stole the money and someone stole it from them. Crazy Lizzie went on the run, leaving a bloody body in her fridge. She and her accomplice set a trap for John but it flopped thanks to Caroline. Cue a crazy car chase.
   The accomplice got a dead cyclist splatted all over his windscreen and crashed. Crazy Lizzie admitted she killed the others because they stole her money. John said he took the money then he shot her and vanished. In Mexico, John gave the cash to a dirty cop to find out where to find the cartel boss. Then he just strolled in to a bar and shot the boss and lots of his gang.

Safe (2012) Mai, a Chinese kid with an amazing memory, is kidnapped and taken to New York to work for gangsters. Luke, a cage fighter, who was supposed to take a dive but put a wunderkind in a coma, cost the Russian Mob a lot of dough and he's told they'll kill anyone who gets close to him. The Chinksters want to use the kid as a human ledger, who will leave no trail.
   A year later, the kid is being exposed to Chinkster mayhem and murder. She gets a numerical key then her car is ambushed by the Russian boss. The cops arrive and both Russians and Chinksters offer deals. The corrupt head cop wants the girl, who escapes. Luke meets her on the subway and protects her from Russian mobsters. Then bent cops. They hole up at an hotel. The Chinksters shoot it up.
   The bent cops learn that Luke, who was planted among them, is a government killer with a conscience: he kills only people who deserve it. Luke puts the dirty cops in a $30M deal. Some Chinksters are shot to bitz. And some dirty cops. Luke gets the CD worth $30M and makes his old boss, Alex, give up the girl. The Chinksters get their cash back and they are blackmailed into doing nothing. The kid ends up in Seattle with Luke.

Safe House (2012) Two agents do a private deal. One is killed, the other is pursued by bad guys. Frost gives himself up at the US embassy in Cape Town and he's sent to a safe house in Jo'burg run by junior Agent Weston. Frost, ex-CIA, is wanted everywhere for espionage. He tells his interrogator that he'll co-operate but he's tortured anyway. Bad guys attack, lots of bodies, Weston bugs out with Frost.
   The bad guys chase the guy driving like an idiot. Frost tells the kid there's a leak and he's being set up as a fall guy. Weston is directed to another safe house. Frost causes a riot to get them arrested. Frost escapes. Weston phones the CIA and hears the weasel words Frost warned him about.
   Frost takes a data capsule to an old friend, whose home is attacked by BGs. One says he's working for the CIA. Frost explains he quit because of all the corruption. Weston barges in to the next safe house at gun-point. The stoopid female agent lets the traitor know she's rumbled him and gets herself killed.
   Lots more fighting. Frost gives the traitor a hot time but Weston gets to shoot him after the BG has plugged Frost. Weston ends up with the corruption file. Back home, he's told that the Agency doesn't want the truth, it's too messy. So Weston releases the dirt to the meeja anonymously. Meltdown at CIA, SIS, etc.

Sahara (2005) is a Dirk Pitt/NUMA adventure by Clive Cussler. Dr. Eva of the WHO is crusading against a mysterious plague in Africa and Pitt reckons he's on the trail of the Texas, a US civil war era ironclad, which is supposed to have sailed across the Atlantic and up the Niger river. The admiral gives him 72 hours to look for it and Dr. Eva hitches a lift to Mali.
   Pitt reckons the ironclad came up the river after the great storm of 1866. He & his pals run into a corrupt general's forces and the boat goes up in flames. Pitt realizes the soldiers were trying to kill the doctor. Dr. Eva takes a trip down a contaminated well, soldiers kill her companions on the surface but, luckily, Pitt is nearby to save her ass.
   Al finds a drawing of the ironclad at a Tuareg base as the admiral is blagging some CIA help. Pitt & Co. come across a solar-powered chemical waste disposal plant, which is paying off the general and which is leaking and contaminating an underground river. The admiral decides the world's oceans have had it if the contamination travels down the Niger to the sea. Pitt & Al have to shut it down and save Dr. Eva from the French guy operating the plant.
   While escaping, pursued by the general, they come across the wreck of the Texas, which is full of Confederate gold coins, and they use a civil war cannon to blow the general's chopper out of the sky. Then his troops surrender. Mainly because a million Tuaregs come over the dunes. And the French bloke gets to drink some contaminated water courtesy of the CIA.

The Saint (1997, Val Kilmer) Simon Templar was drug up in an orphanage run by homicidal Irish Catholics, and his young girlfriend was killed when the staff set the dogs on them. They tried to force the name of a saint on him, so the Saint uses the names of their saints as aliases in his criminal career. He steals a microchip from Ivan Petrovich, who is planning to restore the Russian empire with himself as the tsar. Ivan's son catches him in the act but the Saint gets away.
   The Saint receives a coded message from 'Boris the Spider'. Ivan wants him to steal the secret of a cold fusion process from Dr. Emma Russell. She hasn't actually perfected the process but she feels 'the truth of the concept'. The Saint falls for her, of course. Ivan threatens Emma when the Saint stalls him.
   The Saint delivers but Ivan says the formula is incomplete when the Saint asks for his dough. Ivan Jr. goes after the Saint but he's not good enough. The Saint invades a club disguised as Ivan and gets his dough. As he has over $50 million, he decides to retire. Emma tracks him down to Moscow and gets him arrested. But the corrupt cops bust her, too.
   Moscow is freezing due to a shortage of fuel oil. When the Saint & Emma escape, Ivan sends his lad after them with orders to kill him but catch her so she can make the fusion process work. After a long chase, Emma makes it to the US embassy and the Saint blows up Junior's car, frying him a bit. Ivan's scientist can't make the process work, so Ivan sells the useless formula to the Russian president.
   Ivan plans to launch a coup and topple the president when a public demonstration of the process flops. But the Saint gets Emma to finish things off. Ivan comes unstuck when he tries to take over and Emma gives the process, free, to the world.

Salt (2010) Jolly Angelina, the grave robber, is a CIA agent, who has a tough time in N. Korea in 2008 and has to be swapped. Back in DC at the CIA building there, she meets a defector with cancer, he sez, who reveals a plan to destroy America using gangs of sleeper agents. Chekov says Evelyn Salt is one of them!
   The defector kills 2 agents and escapes from the CIA building. Ev runs for it. The CIA blows up her apartment just after she's left it. Cue some more chasning. Someone is going to kill the Russian president, who's visiting New York for the funeral of the US Vice-President. President Boris looks like Adolf Hitler ca 1944 but without the moustache. Coincidence? Or an unsubtle message?
   Ev blows up the cathedral a bit and plugs Boris. Then she wrecks half the police cars in NY and escapes. "We will strike back," sez the new Russian leader, President Angrily. Part 2 of the plan is to seize control of America's atomic weapons. Ev's husband is shot and the sleepers gather. She does in Orlov, who created the sleepers, with a vodka bottle and goes on a killing spree. Then it's off to a bunker 8 storeys below the White House.
   Chekov turns into a suicide bomber and Ev is spotted. The President is bunkered but Ev gets in. The missles are revved up. Shock, horror! Ed, Ev's CIA mentor, is another sleeper! He targets Mecca and Tehran to upset Moslems. Surprise! The Russian president ain't dead. Ev just drugged him with spider venom.
   Ev clobbers Ed and prevents the missile launch. Then she gets to throttle Ed a bit. At the end, Ev Salt is allowed to escape to get the rest of the Russian sleepers.

St. Trinian's 2: The Legend of Fritton's Gold (2009) The head of the school, Miss Fritton (Rupert Everett), has a pirate in her ancestry. He strolled off with a vast treasure and was never seen again. But there are clues on ancient playing cards hidden all over the place and the 2 parts of an interlocking ring.
   The head and her girls find themselves in competition with a descendant of the guy who was robbed by Pirate Fritton. He steals their half of the ring but the school follows clues to the other half.
   They're up against a member of a secret society which is dedicated to doing women down. Why? Because when the girls reach the end of the hunt under the Globe Theatre, they find that Pirate Fitton was really a woman and she became William Shakespeare!
   The descendant of the robbed guy wants to destroy all evidence that Shakespeare was a woman, including "Queen Lear", her unperformed final play. But the girls of St. Trinians triumph, of course.

SAGA: Curse of the Shadow (2013) A bounty-hunting elf bimbo slew and orc and she was invaded by its black essence. A bloke in armour slew a stroppy dwarf in his mine after learning that the Shadows are about to erupt. The eld tried to cash in the orc's head and was arrested as a Shadow agent, thanks to the orc's curse. The ambassador knight took charge of her. He wanted her to do some spying in return for having the Shadow mark removed by his priestess.
   The knight added an orc to his team. They found stash of gold and got into a fight with a giant. His priestess told the knight to do the dirty on the elf and kill her. The elf tried to get The Vessel and ended up an orc prisoner. The knight went after The Vessel and got his ass kicked. Worse, the priestess told him that was him sacked.
   The orc was waylaid by water sprites but he rescued the elf. The knight was rebooted by a lady, who claimed that she was his oldest friend. The gang reassembled. The knight now followed a better, elder god. Cue a battle with the forces of evil. The god of Death didn't make it through to this world, and the elf was croaked but the knight revived her.

Salt (2010) A CIA spy is swapped with the North Koreans, then the Agency gets a walk-in FSB agent, who says Evelyn Salt is a Russian sleeper, one of a whole gang of them, and a Russian agent is going to kill the Russian president. Then he does a runner. Ev, expecting her husband to be killed (he got her out of Korea), does the same, so lots of running.
   The Russian president will be attending the funeral of the US vice president in New York. Salt rampages around the church, the Russian president ends up dead and she gives herself up. Only to escape and trigger another huge chase. Orlov, who organized the sleeper programme, plans to gain control of Russia's nuclear weapons and start World War 3.
   America goes to Defcon 2 and the president gets ready to launch missiles. Then Winter, another sleeper, takes over the control room. Surprise! The Russian president ain't dead, just knocked out with venom from one of Ev's husband's spider collection. Ev foils Winter's plan, and she's allowed to escape to go after other Russian sleepers.

San Andreas (2015) Holly comes up with an infallible earthquake prediction method but no one believes her because she got it wrong, big time, a year ago. L.A. gets a bit of a shaking but she thinks a R9+ is on the way. She and her husband Hank have 80 minutes to rescue their daughter from the city. Elly is at an hotel, where an old fool has a heart attack in a lift because he's left his meds in his room.
   An evacuation is ordered for the whole of Southern California when the USGS predicts an R10 quake! Then all sorts of idiots do all sorts of daft things. Holly goes driving around with one of Elly's pals, who wants to take her to New York. They drive through a swarm of escaped zoo animals and lose the car. Holly's computer's next estimate is R12.0!!!
   They try to sneak into the city through the military cordon via tunnels; which fill with poison gas and explode. They reach the hotel in time to clobber a mad gunman. The old bloke obligingly croaks, allowing everyone to dash to the roof for a helicopter pick-up by Hank before L.A. slides into the sea.

Sanctimony (2000) features a male cop (Jim Bernard) who thinks about his job 24/7 and has a pregnant wilfe who thinks he needs to make some changes for the sake of their kid. The female cop (Dorothy Smith) thinks it's a good idea to chuck herself at the only suspect for a string of killings called the Monkey Murders because the victims have had eyes then ears then tongues removed. Tom Turner is a hotshot city trader who's loaded and who reported a body while in a bad part of town.
   Their boss tells Bernard and Smith that the Feds will take over the next day. But Smith becomes the next victim and Bernard's wife is nearly the one after her. Turner goes on a killing spree, starting with the presenter of the TV show where he's a guest, studio staff, and the people at the non-wedding party given by his rejected fiancée. He also sends all his company's cash down a black hole before committing 'suicide by cop' by threatening Bernard with empty guns.

Sanctum (2011) Josh was an unwilling recruit to his dad's expedition, which was trying to find an exit to the sea from a huge cave system in the wilds of Papua New Guinea. This is allegedly based on a true story. Frank, the dad, was obsessed and so unlike the laid back American sponsor, a real cool dude.
   Frank found a cathedral then Jude screwed up big time and got herself drowned. Dad blamed Josh and he blamed Dad. Then a storm struck and started to pour billions of tons of water into the cave system. Lots of climbing through waterfalls before Josh and a small group decided to rejoin Frank. The only was out was through unknown territory to the sea.
   The gang continued to die off; George, Frank's best mate, croaked of the bends. Lots of hysteria and struggling and bodies. Josh and Frank, on their own, eventually found a hole opening to the surface, through which a Jap tank had dropped during the war. But they decided to push on.
   They met the sponsor again, Josh got into a fight with him and killed him. Then Dad croaked. So Josh was on his own when he eventually found the way out and ended up on a beach – with a lot of questions to answer about the trail of bodies he'd left behind.

Sand Serpents (2009) A bunch of soldiers head for a sapphire mine in Afghanistan, which the Taliban have blown up. They're ambushed and captured, but monsters eat the bandits. Someone's been reading Dune because the monsters are 60-foot, ground-boring worms. One eats the rescue chopper! The gang head for a refugee camp in a truck, looking for food and a radio, but the stupid woman driving it crashes. She's eaten by a worm.
   The radio at the refugee camp doesn't work but the lady captain thinks she can build a hybid with the radio back at the mine. So they head back there in another truck with an Afghan man and his daughter, and blow up a worm with a bandit bomb on the way.
   The bandits come back for another fire-fight. The surviving troops take shelter in the mine, which is a weapons dump for the bandits. The Afghan bloke behaves very dodgily. BOHICA – Bend Over, Here It Comes Again! The Afgan blows his stupid self up, his daughter releases the trapped soldiers from the mine.
    Gobsworth Andrews is eaten, which shuts him the hell up, while the worms are chomping bandits. A rescue chopper takes out a worm but the lieutenant has to dive into the last of them wearing a suicide bomber belt, so only the lady captain and Afghan girl get out.

Sand Sharks (2011, Corin Nemek) A dozy kid crashes his motorbike in sand dunes. Chomp! Another biker is chased by a fin. Chomp! The town of White Sands on a island is failing because of the attacks. There's a head in a helmet on the beach. "Cudda bin a coyote," sez the dim sheriff. Deputy Brenda points out that there are none on the island. Jimmy, the mayor's chancer son, crashes in with an idea for a festival to revive the town. So that's the Jaws plot ripped off.
   Brenda calls in Sandy, a shark attack expert. The sheriff wants to close the beach. An old buzzard offers to catch the sand shark for 10 grand. Some plot from Dune ripped off. More people are eaten and she sand shark does a drive by of Sandy and lots of other see it. Chomp! No more Mr. Mayor. Chomp! So much for Sparky, the electrician and lights out big time, but the shark is fried.
   The show goes on. Sandy says the dead shark is just a baby and there must be a huge, hungry Mom around. Chomp! More chomp! There's a whole gang of sharks and only half of Deputy Brenda. The old buzzard returns with a plan to melt the sand and make shark-in-glass.
   Jimmy offers himself up as bait and the fish get fried. Then Mom turns up. Chomp! No more old buzzard. Kaboom! Bits of Mom all over the shop. But there are more little ones around still. Natch.

Sands of Oblivion (2007) An episode of Egyptian mysticism to start, and a beast imprisoned with a control amulet and buried. In the present, a professor's ex-wife, Alice, is digging for the lost set of Cecil B. De Mille's film The Ten Commandments at Guadalupe, California. Ex-soldier Mark brings his grandfather there looking for a time capsule, which he buried during the filming.
   His box contains 'The Eye of Horus', and when the amulet is exposed to daylight, grandpa is dragged into the sand and his arm is bitten off! Jesse, Alice's ex-husband, arrives to help out and the monster starts killing more of the archaeologists.
   Part of the set is an authentic Egyptian room; De Mille bought a job lot of antiquities from Egyptian grave robbers for his film. Jesse thinks the room is a cell, and they unlocked its door. All the bits of set are going to Santa Maria for reassembly as an oil company is going to destroy the original desert site. Alice meets an old actor, who tells her about the artefacts.
   Jesse is attacked by the monster and goes nuts. Mark gets weapons from an old army buddy. Jesse, his face covered in festering spots, makes off with Alice. Mark quells the monster with the amulet and goes after them. The local lawmen join in and come unstuck. Jesse is swallowed by a sand monster. There's a silly battle back at the set and a dose of good old white phosphorus takes out the monster.

Scanner Cop (1994) is based on the work of David Cronenberg, who made the horror/sci-fi film Scanners, so we were all eagerly waiting for the exploding heads. The cop in question is a telepath produced by illegal experiments on humans, and he takes a drug to suppress his psychic abilities. Then a bad guy starts working a 'Manchurian Candidate' effect on people and making them kill cops. So the telepath is forced to use his talents to track down the criminal mastermind. Lots of special effects, lots of fun and you have to wait to the very end for the exploding heads.

The Scorpion King (2002) Before the pyramids, Memnon and his gang were running riot and planning to dominate the world with the aid of Memnon's sorcerer. The Rock (the former WW$ wrestler) and his gang of assassins took the job of taking the sorcerer out. The sorcerer turned out to be a lady (Kelly Hu) and The Rack was betrayed. He ended buried up to his neck and menaced by fire ants, but he got out by acquiring a comic sidekick.
   Memnon was planning to create a 1,000-year reich. The Rack's assassination attempt flopped. He was catapulted into the harem and he escaped from Memnon's castle with the sorceress. The Rack took out Memnon's guard in caves under the desert but he was stopped by an arrow coated in scorpion venom. The sorceress saved him. Meanwhile, Memnon's boffin had re-invented gunpowder, and he joined Rocky's gang.
   Rocky & Co. were captured by rebels at a water hole and Rocky had a hardcore match with the leader. The sorceress had all sorts of bad visions and went back to Memnon. Mayhem at Memnon's castle when Rocky & allies attacked as the sorceress was taking a cobra-detection test. There was a humungous battle, the gunpowder ran wild and The Rack became the Scorpion King.

The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior (2008) Mathias, son of the warrior Asher, joins the Scorpions training squad, then the bodyguard of a general, who is jealous of his father and kills him with magic. Mathias refuses to kill a friend, he founds out that the general has impressive magical powers and the pal gets an arrow in the back when they take it on the lam.
   Mathias heads for Egypt. So does Leila, a tomboy friend, who wants to be a warrior even though she's a girl. A poet/busker joins them. They invade a palace and fall through a trap into a labyrinth where the Minotaur lurks. Mathias and his Amazon go off to slay it. The legend of Gilgamesh is tossed into the mix.
   A few of the prisoners in the labyrinth join in for a trip to the underworld. They have an hour there and there's not much treasure in sight. But there are monsters, and Astarte, who wants everyone to grovel. The Amazon has a fight with her. Astarte cheats and invites Mathias to be her consort, but he wants to avenge his father's murder.
   Some of the gang gets out of the underworld alive, and Mathias takes a magical sword. Astarte warns the general and he has a fight with Mathias whilst the rest of the gang are trying to prevent a massacre. The sword sees off the general, even after he turns into a scorpion, and Shalmaneezer becomes the king.

Screamers (1995) is based on a story by Philip K. Dick. In 2068, the mining company NEB found a power source called berynium on Sirius 6B, but mining it led to the release of huge amounts of radiation, which led to a nuclear war between the company and its miners. It's now 2078 and a soldier from NEB is chopped to bits by screamers at a miners' base while trying to deliver an invitation to peace talks. The screamers are killing machines, which burrow under the sand of the planet and attack anyone who doesn't have a miner's IFF gadget.
   A troop transport crashes at the base. It has nukes aboard and Jefferson, the sole survivor, tells Joe, the commander, that it was going to attack the new NEB mining operation on Triton 4. He also says that the head of the miners' alliance has been dead for 2 years, so a communication sent to the base from HQ has to be as bogus as the peace talks.
   Joe decides that everyone on Sirius 6B has been abandoned and they're never going home. He and Jefferson head for the nearest NEB base, collecting a kid called David on the way. The NEB gang blow the kid away, proving that 'he' is an android built by the screamers. The NEB command centre is a charnel house, a woman is in charge, and it is infested with Type 1 screamers; which look like chicken-size dinosaurs.
   Davids are Type 3 and the computer fails to tell Joe what Type 2s are before everyone has to run for it. The miners' base is full of Davids when Joe & his enlarged gang return. So Joe nukes it. The Type 3 reveals itself and killed Jefferson. So Joe and the woman head for an escape shuttle. Joe's old mate Josh from the miners' base shows up to kill him, but Josh ends up in a laser beam.
   The escape shuttle is a single-seater. Joe offers it to the woman but, conveniently, she turns out to be another screamer, and she does battle with another screamer of her type. So Joe gets away. And guess what's inside the teddy bear he still has from the first David encounter!
   The film is described as Aliens meet The Thing, but it's more like Tremors meets the Replicators in Stargate SG-1 and the Cylons in the new Battlestar Galactica.

Se7en (1995) Lt. Somerset, who planned to retire in a week, was teamed up with Det. Mills in a sink-hole of a patch where it was always bloody raining. Their first call was to a fat bloke who'd been forced to eat himself to death. The next was a defence attorney, who'd been forced to mutilate himself and bled to death. A pyscho was doing the 7 deadly sins, starting with gluttony then greed.
   Somerset got to meet Mrs. Mills, who was agonizing over whether to bring a child into the screwed up world of the 1990s. The cops went after a guy called Victor, but he was another victim; still alive; and the killer had chopped off his hand to plant fingerprints. The FBI's spying operation on public libraries gave the cops another suspect. He opened fire on them but he didn't kill Mills when he had the chance.
   Somerset decided to stay on to catch the demented John Doe, who gave himself up at a police station. He promised a full confession in return for giving up 2 more bodies. He took Mills & Somerset out to the middle of nowhere. A delivery guy brought them a box containing Mrs. Mills' head and Det. Mills emptied his gun into the nutter.

Sea Beast (2008, Corin Nemek) Joey is lost from Will's fishing boat in a storm. One of the yokels says it's the Harbinger. The guy who lent money to Will for the boat is hassling him. A lady marine biologist is talking about poisonous algae, which will kill off the fish stocks. A big, horrible monster kills the Harbinger guy! Leaving behind a couple of body parts; a shark or an animal, wonders Sheriff Jake, Will's brother.
   The monster has 2 hungry kids. Captain Ben won't talk about his monster attack and support Will. The creatures can spit knockout slime and camouflage themselves into invisibility. Sheriff Jake doesn't believe Will's creature story.
   A monster hunt goes horribly wrong. Stabbing the monsters works, and so does electrocuting them. But there are scores of the little ones. And the idiot townsfolk seem to have a death wish. Stoopid Barbara gets her head bit off. Other characters labour mightily to get themselves kilt. But Will somehow manages to survive blowing the big monster and her nestful of eggs to bitz.

The Searchers (1956, John Wayne, Natalie Wood) Ethan returns from the Civial War 3 years late just when Injuns massacre his brother's family and take the older girl and little Debbie prisoner. Ethan leads a posse after them, the older girl is found dead and they return home empty handed.
   A swindler tries to take $1,000 from Ethan and ends up dead. Ethan & Marty, who was adopted by the brother, continue the hunt. The kid acquires and loses an Injun "bride" by misguided trading. They meet some white women, now demented, who were rescued by the Cavalry.
   When Ethan finds Scar & Debbie after a 5 year hunt, he wants to kill Debbie because she's gone native. They escape an Injun ambush and return home as Marty's childhood sweetheart is about to marry Charlie. And they're wanted for murdering the swindler.
   Scar and his gang return as Ethan is about to be arrested. The Texas Rangers, with a token handful of Cavalry take out the Injuns. Scar loses his scalp and Marty prevents Ethan from killing Debbie, who is returned to what's left of her inheritance.

Sea Snakes (2009) The US military was doing bio-research on a Taiwanese island, which was about to be swallowed up by a Chinese naval exercise. An obsolete sub was ordered to pick up the lady doctor, her assistant and classified research materials. The doctor was allowed to keep 4 of her snakes. Jake, the assistant, packed 20 small ones and 2 huge ones. Some dumb-ass nosy sailor opened one of the containers and let out the small snakes.
   The Chinese exercise overtook the sub and, of course, the 2 huge snakes also got out. A Chinese sub started hunting an unscheduled target, but it was frightened off. The snakes, meanwhile, were killing the crew. Most of them were trapped in the torpedo room, but it looked like there were more like 120 aboard!
   Jake was one of the casualties. One of the big snakes was shot but the captain had to wrassle the other and feed it a live power cable. But the survivors eventually reached Okinawa.

Seattle Superstorm (2012) There are annoying episodes of "x hours earlier" in the film. The US Navy shoots down an Unidentified Aerial Object heading for Seattle. A bit lands in the harbour and another bit hits the city. The city's stooges go into cover-up mode and Mr. Stinson has to fob off the press. Sinister govt. agents keep his wife-to-be, Emma, a naval officer, sidelined.
   All sorts of weird stuff starts happening. The UAO stuff reacts violently with moisture and Mr. S. thinks it was engineered and it could cause a super-storm. Evacuate the city? Emma's boss won't have it even though the storm caused by the UAO keeps growing and there are earthquakes around it.
   The boss wants to do a military strike as lightning and tornadoes ravage Seattle. A Russian defector admits that the UAO was a weapon shot into space by the Soviet Union and he worked on it. He reckons there's nothing they can do but Emma's teenage daughter comes up with a solution.
   75 minutes in, we're back where the film started and did a "9 hours earlier". Twisters were marching through Seattle as the Russian came up with a method of delivering heavy water to the nasty stuff to kill it and sacrificed himself. And Seattle and the Earth were saved.

Second In Command (2006) Jean-Claude van Damme plays Cmdr. Sam Keenan, who's posted to an embassy in Eastern Europe, where a bunch of skinhead commies are trying to depose the president. But he stops off along the way to bunk up with his journalist girlfriend. Mr. President asks for help from the Americans, Sam extracts him from his palace and takes him to the embassy; cue a siege there.
   The guards allow an RPG to be fired into the building, which kills the ambassador and puts Sam in charge. The commies threaten to kill his girlfriend and 2 guys if Sam won't turn over the president. Then a skinhead kills one of the prisoners. So Sam rescues the others and pokes the skinhead's eyes out. The president's relief army and US forces are several hours away, so the CIA guy wants to evacuate the embassy.
   The plan is to bug out via tunnels and drive off in a bus; which is blown up with most of the civilians aboard. Why? Because the skinheads planted a bug on Michelle, Sam's girlfriend, and no one scanned her when she arrived at the embassy. The bad guys attack, the Marines give them hell, then the president's army arrives. All suspiciously too easy.
   Bummer! The general is in league with the commies. But US Army helicopters arrived to blast the various bad guys as the head bald commie invades the embassy. Michelle fails to plug him when she has a clear shot, but Sam takes the scumbag out. Yeah!

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (2013) James Thurber's most famous short story was rewritten for the 1947 Danny Kaye film, which worked. The opening titles of this remake are very subtle. Sadly, the film is a clunker. Walter, who just kinda zones out for a while, works for Life magazine, which is sacking staff as it switches from paper to on-line. Walter has a few day dreams then goes off on a mad trip to Iceland in search of Sean. That joke wears thin quickly, even with a comedy volcano.
   Walter finds that he shudda gone to Afghanistan. He catches up with the elusive Sean in the Himalayas and finds that all the dashing about has been a waste of time. Like the time spent watching this clunker. Sean's negative for the last ever cover of the mag is back home. Walter delivers it and . . . well, something that's flat can't really fizzle out, can it?

Seeds of Destruction (2011) Dr. Frane has created a plant which hoovers up and neutralizes pollution. Two junior ecologists trying to trap toxic waste dumpers film a guy selling a plant sample and a sniper taking out the seller, which releases some seeds. Huge Frankenroots start taking out pollutants and human beings.
   Agents from Scope pick up Dr. Stein, who found seeds from the Garden of Eden but was swindled out of them by Dr. Frane, who is recreating the Garden at a secret location. The killer roots head for Reno. The air force fails to stop them. But they stop when they reach Frane's garden, the only safe place on the planet.
   Scope HQ and Reno get it. As the nuclear option is prepared, the Scope boss admits that his undercover guy was responsible for releasing the seeds. The ecokids snoop about in Frane's lab then Agent Tomkins of Scope and Dr. Stein arrive in a chopper, which is shot down.
   Frane thinks he can put the tap root to sleep so that he can study it. The ecokids collide with Tomkins & Stein. She extracts enough toxin to kill the tap root from a tiny soil sample from the garden(!!). Frane tries to sabotage the job but he gets blown up with the tap root and the planet is saved.

The Sentinel (2006, Michael Douglas, Kiefer Sutherland) A new lady agent starts at the Secret Service on the day that Agent Charlie is blasted at his home. Not street crime, Agent Dave (best in the business) tells the useless local plod. Pete, Dave's mentor and current enemy because he had an affair with Dave's wife, is told by Walter, an old snitch, that there's a mole in the SS and someone is going to kill the President.
   The President wants the mole-hunt kept secret; Dave and his rookie get the job. Pete, meanwhile, has been photographed with the First Lady and he gets a set of prints. Walter asks for a big chunk of cash for info but Charlie's killer shoots up a meeting with Pete and just strolls away.
   Kaboom! Someone shoots down Helicopter One, but the President isn't aboard. Pete, who took a bullet for Pres. Reagan, becomes the prime suspect with Dave leading the charge. Pete does a runner to tell the First Lady he's being framed. Then he goes looking for Walter; who has lead poisoning. Dave gives Pete a touch of the same with a bullet in the shoulder.
   Pete thinks Charlie was killed because he got a hint of the assassination plot, which will take place at a G8 meeting in Toronto. The First Lady tells Dave about the affair. Pete finds out it's the KGB/Russian mob. The head bad guy threatens to kill the mole's family if he doesn't do the President in. But the bad guy and the mole are both whacked, and Pete retires.

The Shadow (1994) Lamont Cranston, an opium baron in 1930s Tibet, is kidnapped and taken to a temple to be educated whether he likes it or not. He is taught to 'cloud the minds of men' and sent back to New York, where his uncle is the crime commissioner, to fight evil. Starting with a gangster called Duke, who wanted to chuck a guy wearing a concrete boot off a bridge. The look of sets is very much 'Gotham City'.
   Lamont meets Margot Lane, a telepath whose mind he can't cloud. Ghengis Khan's last descendant arrives at a museum in a silver coffin and visits Lamont to join him in his plan to conquer the bits of the world that Ghengis didn't get to. Both were educated by the Tibetan priest who kidnapped Lamont.
   Khan is planning to build an atomic bomb and Margot's father just happens to have an essential piece of kit, which his bug-eyed assistant built. The Shadow can't cloud Margot's mind but Khan can, and he tries to get her to kill Lamont. Khan's HQ is the Hotel Monolith, which is disguised as an empty lot.
   The Shadow is trapped in a giant sphere, which fills up with water, for a time. Khan threatens to blow up New York and demands a billion dollar ransom. The Shadow does battle in his hotel. Fun & games with the bomb and in Khan's room full of mirrors. And he ends up in a looney bin, unable to cloud men's minds because he's had a lobotomy.

Shadow Man (2006) Steven Seagal is the usual kung fu expert and retired secret agent. Jack's daughter is kidnapped with explosions. The CIA comes after him because they think he was delivering a chip containing data on a bioweapon, which the Russians also want. The action takes place in Romania, and the cops are after Jack, too. A CIA traitor shoots Harry, the boss, and pins the blame on Jack.
   The taxi driver who strolled off with the kid was in league with Harry and she wants a passport and a ticket to the US. Jack shoots up a drug den to get operating cash. He hooks up with the taxi driver and gets into brawls with cops & Russians. CIA agents grab the girl. Cue another shoot-out where the girl was stashed but Jack finds the chip.
   Jack shoots the bad guys' chopper out of the sky and does a deal with the lady at the US embassy. Loads of Americans & Russians taken out, the bioweapon lab is destroyed by Jack's hacker using its own purge system, Jack ends up with his daughter and the taxi lady gets her US passport.

Shaft: the 2000 remake features Sam Jackson as the man himself, but Richard Roundtree is also in it. Detective Shaft busts a murder suspect in a bar but his barmaid witness does a runner and the racialist killer jumps bail. 2 years later, Shaft is busting Hispanic drug dealers. The killer returns and he is busted, too. In the lockup, he makes a connection with the main spic dealer. When the killer gets bail again, Shaft quits the force to get the guy in his own way.
   Shaft pursues the fugitive witness. The spic sends 2 bent cops after him. Shaft and his cop accomplice steal the $42K which the killer was going to use to pay for the hit on the barmaid.and plants it on the bent cops. So the spic makes the killer sell heroin instead.
   When Shaft finds his barmaid, there's a shoot-out and the spic dealer goes crazy when his brother is killed. He falls out with the killer. The barmaid tells Shaft what she saw, then admits taking $50K to get lost. The spic and his gang attack so Shaft & his allies go on the run. Mucho shooting and motoring mayhem. The spic gets his hands on the witness then he gets dead.
   Finally, the day of the trial. But shock-horror! The victim's mom shoots the killer dead on the courthouse steps.
   Note: This film holds a world record for the most instances of the f-word per square inch.

Shalako (1968, Sean Canary) An arrogant German baron and his luxury hunting party invade an Apache reservation because the baron doesn't think treaties with savages count. Shalako, a white scout who helped to make the treaty, tries to change his mind and the Injuns start shooting to enforce their rights. Whilst Shalako is trying to reach the cavalry, renegades in the baron's party decamp with all the supplies and as much loot as they can find.
   The bad guys are ambushed. Shalako left a hidden stash of supplies and he returns to lead the abandoned group to safety. The Injuns get on their trail. Fulton, the head renegade, escapes to rejoin Shalako's group, only to be plugged by Sir Charles for strolling off with his wife and getting her killed.
   At the end, Shalako has to do single combat with the Apache hothead leading the pursuit, and humiliates him by not killing him. So the Injun chief lets the half-dozen survivors head for the fort and safety.

Shanghai Knights (2003) is the sequel to Shanghai Noon. The Shanghai Kid's dad is murdered in China and Lord Rathbone steals the Emperor's seal with its huge diamond. Lin, the Kid's sister, sends a message to Carson City, Nevada, where 'John Wayne' is the sheriff. He heads for New York to collect his old pal Roy O'Bannon, who has spent all the gold which they won in the last adventure.
   They head for the London of 1887, where Lord Rathbone is planning to kill the 9 people between him and the throne, and Wu Shao, for whom Rathbone stole the seal, is hoping to become the Emperor of China. Lots of kung-fu battles along the way. Our heroes team up with Inspector Conan Doyle of the Yard, a thieving kid makes off with the seal and our heroes have to escape from Lord Rathbone's blazing stables.
   Lin kicks Jack the Ripper into the Thames before being captured by Wu's men. Inspector Doyle, who has been sacked, tracks down the kid, there's a huge battle in Madame Tussaud's, and everyone is arrested. The kid, who's called Charlie Chaplin, rescues everyone from the paddy wagon.
   The plot to kill Queen Victoria and the others in Rathbone's way is foiled, Lin takes out Wu with a firework, and the Kid and Roy have a huge battle with Rathbone in the Big Ben Tower. They do a Douglas Fairbanks with a flag and drop in on Queen Victoria's anteroom. Knighthoods for Roy and the Kid, Doyle takes the seal back to China and takes up writing stories about Sherlock Holmes, an alias assumed by Roy, Roy gets Lin and everyone heads for Hollywood to make movies.

Shanghai Noon (2000) is a Jackie Chan film in which our hero heads from the Chinese court to the Wild West of the 1880 to rescue a princess, who didn't realize she was being kidnapped. Lots of battles with train robbers, Injuns, cowboys, a rogue sheriff and other Imperial Guards. Lots of references to the icons of Western films. Lots of laughs. The film does drag in a few places but it is a good way to fill an hour and a half in front of the box.

Shaolin Soccer (2001) is an enjoyable & spectacular kung fu meets soccer film. Fong, a.k.a. Golden Leg, blasted a winning penalty over the bar, throwing the match for the evil Mr. Hung. 20 years later, he was lame & washed up, and the hugely successful Hung wouldn't give Fong a job as a soccer coach and, by the way, Hung had Fong's leg broken. Then Golden Leg met Steel Leg, a Shaolin kung fuist, who was sweet on Mui, a kung fu lady baker.
   Fong advised Steel Leg to apply kung fu to soccer, so he recruited his 5 deadleg brothers. A practice match became a massacre. The Power came back to the brothers and they started doing the massacring. Meanwhile, Team Evil was also preparing for the up-coming $1M tournament.
   The Shaolin team didn't impress Mr. Hung but they won their opening match about 100-0. Natch, they met Team Evil in the final of the Super Cup. The Evils had an unbeatable goalie and the match was rigged. Mui had to go in goal to make up the numbers for the good guys, who scored as time ran out. And everyone in the area took up kung fu afterwards.

Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (2015) Two idiots from Arkansas Fracking Industries go driving into a swamp to take a short cut and their vehicle is punted by a huge shark with spikes. We're invited to believe that some surface quarrying going on obviously hundreds of miles from the swamp released the shark.
   Five inmates from the prison are sent to clear some stumps. Chomp! One less inmate. Then the group is hijacked by the girlfriend of one of them. One of the guards gets away and finds a bunker type hatch down to some caves with a river in them. Chomp!
   There's a bossy blonde and a male stooge trolling around in the swamp. They find a guy who claims his buddy was eaten by a shark. One of the convicts goes for a walk. A shark swims out of the river and through the boggy ground! Chomp!
   A bogus geologist is taken prisoner and spins a daft story about an underground sea with 40 million year old sharks, which can go through both water and land! There are 6 sharks surrounding the women and their prisoners at a house in the swamp. They blow up a decoy and run for it; as far as the bunker hatch.
   They go paddling about in a rubber boat. Chomp! Just one of the guards and one of the prisoners gets out alive, and the guard decides to say that the woman was eaten, too, so she can go back to her kid.

Sharknado (2013) There are daft sciffy films, and there's this one. A huge storm off Mexico sends monster waves for the California surfers, and lots of sharks to chomp the surfers. The sea invades the land and sharks come flying through windows for suicide snacks. A guy running a beachside bar goes to get his young adult kids to safety, taking some staff and customers.
   L.A. starts flooding. There are tornadoes full of sharks dropping them all over the place. Our hero's son and one of his waitresses blow up 2 tornadoes by hurling explosives into them from a helicopter. Our hero, Fin, launches a truck full of explosives at the last one. Daft doesn't even begin to describe this film

Sharknado 2 (2014) Sharknado survivor Fin, and April, his ex-wife who wrote a book about surviving a sharknado, are on a plane which finds itself in a storm full of sharks. The sharks crash in and eat the flight crew and passengers, Fin has to land the plane at JFK and April loses her left forearm. No one believes Fin when he warns that a megastorm is heading for New York City.
   Fin goes off to save his unloved brother-in-law, who's at a Mets game. Snow and sharks rain onto the baseball ground. The subway system floods and fills with sharks! And sharks are dumped in the streets. Fin's sister and her mates are chased by the bowling-ball-like head of Liberty.
   Unhanded April does a runner from the hospital. Fin, assisted by an old (female) friend who fancies him, tries to blow up one of a pair of tornadoes with fire-bombs but all they do is drop flaming sharks on New York. Fin eventually zaps the nado threat, and New Yorkers go kill-crazy when more sharks drop onto them. But April gets her wedding ring back out of the one which bit her arm off.

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (2015) Fin Shepherd gets a medal from the president as a massive tropical storm is heading for D.C. The mayor of New York gives him the Order of the Golden Chainsaw. Fin can sense another sharknado on the way. Chomp! Zillions of sharks and most of Washington's landmarks are obliterated. Mrs. Fin, their daughter and grandma are at Universal Studios in Orlando, enjoying the fun fair.
   Fin drives into another sharknado on his way south and meets Nova with her sharkbustermobile. She has a tracking app for Fin. She reckons sharks are surviving at high altitudes and eating birds. Sharks fall on Orlando. The storms are getting stronger and threatening to join up and wipe out the eastern US.
   Sharks rain on the Nascars at Daytona. Nova kills the tornado with a drop-tank from the borrowed jet she's flying. Fin collects his family then heads for Cape Canaveral, where his dad is a big noise. Nova reckons that the solid rocket boosters from a space shuttle can save the world from the sharknado wall.
   Fin, his wife and his dad take off in the secret shuttle, Independence. Dad gets into space at last. Nova's idea doesn't work, so Dad deploys a Star Wars laser manually to zap the storm. Sharks are hurled into space and they smash the shuttle to bitz. Fin and Mrs. Fin return to Earth in sharks, Mrs. giving birth during re-entry, and Dad ends up on the Moon somehow.

Sharknado IV: The Fourth Awakens (2016) The threat of sharknados has been eliminated. There hasn't been one for five years thanks to Astro X. A mere 10 minutes into the film, there are sharks biting off heads in Las Vegas. But this is a Sandnado; sand-based rather than water-based. So where do the sharks come from? Cue lots of fun & games on a pirate ship. 25 minutes in, cue the titles! Then wheel out Colonel Hoff.
   There's a flood in the Grand Canyon. The dust-storm sharknado strikes a train. Astro X needs to restore public trust. Who wants to destroy the Grand Canyon? The sandnado hits an oil pipeline and becomes an oilnado! What next? Firenado, Lightningnado. A nado heads for the Astro X HQ and grabs the Hoff's car. But he's saved by Iron Woman April.
   Fin is there, too. At last, a proper sharknado with water. But in Tornado Alley, there was a cownado. Fin & family do some larking about in a lightningnado. A hailnado and a lavanado are stopped but the lightningnado is heading for a nuclear power plant. The Astro X nerd tries to chuck Niagara Falls at the nado. Fin Shepherd is going to reverse the falls to drown the nado. Of course, he is. If the stooopid kid doesn't get him killed.
   Eat Niagara, you nado. The lightningnado turns into a regular sharknado, so nothing to worry about. The stoopid kid goes over the falls in a barrel? No, Iron Woman saves the little creep. And he chops Fin out of of a shark the size of a blue whale, along with half the cast, to be jump-started with an improvised defibrillator.

Sharknado V: Global Swarming (2017) Some larking about at Stonehenge. A Level 10 Sharknado was heading for London. Strange that there were ancient Routemaster buses, which loaded passengers from the right at the rear (as in the United States). The titles arrived half an hour in, but that didn't matter. This film isn't so much sillious as supersillious. There isn't much of a plot, but that doesn't matter either. It's just a vehicle for a series of daft stunts and special effects. So sit back and have a laugh.
   Sydney was threatened next. April, the flying robot lady, got a rebuild there. The opera house turned out to be a secret weapon: a nado-zapper. The leaning tower of Piza was straightened up by a sharknado. A sharkvalanche landed on Tokio. A safarinado created havoc in Africa.
   April was written off and the planet looked doomed from nado events everywhere. Fin Shepherd's son, and his stoopid hat, had been swallowed up by a nado event but right at the end, he reappeared, looking older than his dad, and he offered to explain all when the story is continued. Looks like were doing some time-travelling in Sharknado 6 to undo the events that wrecked the planet. We can hardly wait.

The Last Sharknado: It's About Time (2018) Fin had been sent back to the time of the dinosaurs to destroy the first Sharknado; with a small gang of helpers who'd been done in along the way but saved by Gill, his son. The Sharknado appears and is neutralized, but it's a different 21st century when the gang does a time jump. Next stop, Merlin's castle and another Sharknado to quell. Another time jump and more changes. They're at the time of the First American Civil War and Judge Washington and Ben Franklin help to destroy a Sharknado.
   Brian, the history teacher, bales out there. Billy the Punk Kid is the next bit of history. Fin's son has to be saved from a hanging. Fifties California next and Fin meets his parents. Then Santa Monica in 2013. Nova wants to save her grandpa, even though Fin tells her it can't be done. Nova and April are both killed.
   There's just Fin left to go to 20013 AD, where there are ruins, metal sharks and the ‘people' are all crazy April robots. And the real April is in a stasis chamber. Fin escapes to confront another Sharknado and a parade of history. Then it's time for a reboot to Fin's bar when April was about to give birth.
Not so much an ending, more a fizzle out.

Shark Shock (2017) We're somewhere with brown water in the river, bayou, rednecks and wind turbines, from which a good ol' trailer trash guy was trying to steal power. Kaboom! Malcolm, the guy whose land the trailer trash had invaded, got a BG to blow the levee and flood the place. Our hero filmed the BG running away from what was supposed to look like a natural disaster.
   Next thing you know, there was a Great White in the river and it got electrified when it chomped Uncle Jeff and his power cable. One of the stoopid trailer people got his horse eaten by the shark! The bomber was told to kill our hero. The shark had swallowed his camera and he was hoping to kill the shark and retrieve the camera.
   The electric shark ate the BG's two sidekicks as they were fixing to kill trailer lady Daisy. It got rid of two trailer trash, leaving just our hero and his girlfriend, whom the BG fancied. Our hero managed to tag the shark with two metal barrels on a chain. Then it leapt in to the air, trying to chomp our hero, who was up a tree, and was left dangling in mid air from the chain!
   Malcolm turned up at that moment. He didn't do too well. Next thing you know, the shark was hanging from a turbine and being hauled up to be splatted by the blades. Then there was just the bomber to sort out; Daisy soon fixed him.

Shark Swarm (2008) Bad guys are dumping crap from the closed Full Moon Bay power station into the sea, killing the fish and turning the local sharks psycho. Hamilton Lux is buying up the town to turn it into a resort with condos. Only Daniel, the fisherman, and his brother Philip, the marine biologist, are refusing to join in the windfall.
   Daniel finds Nick's boat adrift with a hole in the side and lots of big shark teeth in the woodwork, and people are being eaten by sharks at an increasing rate. Lux is having problems with Amy of the EPA; he needs clearance for her for his development. Amy is nearly eaten by sharks while taking water samples at the power plant site.
   Philip's professor hacks a NASA satellite and sees a swarm of sharks heading for Spivey Point, where Dan's daughter is surfing. Dan falls in the sea with a taser but sees off the sharks. Then he spots the bad guys dumping crap. But his wife phones the sheriff and he's in Lux's pocket.
   Dan & his wife are taken prisoner by Killer Kane & his wife, who both end up dead after Dan & Mrs. Dan escape from drowning in a shark cage. The Prof. spots 3 swarms heading for beaches but the good guys zap them with the shark guns, Lux is eaten and the swarms disperse.

Sharktopus (2010) is a Frankenfish feature, produced by Roger Corman, in which just about everyone who appears is eaten! At a beach resort, a girl swimmer is menaced by a shark, but it is grabbed and eaten by the US Navy's next super-weapon. A speedboat damages the control system and the man-eating shark with enormous octopus tentacles heads for Mexico and starts eating people.
   Flynn, sacked from the project, is recalled to help catch S11 alive. A lady investigative journalist's cameraman films an attack and the US Navy isn't amused. The network tries to replace Stacey but she won't have it. Flynn loses 2 divers and some blood.
   Her dad tells Nicole, a marine biologist, that he made S112 into a killer, and the sharktopus carries on proving it's just that! Flynn loses his best mate next. Nicole's dad gets it; very messily. And so do Stacey and her cameraguy. And Flynn is almost eaten before Nicole can get the kill switch working.

Shepherd (1999) After the apocalypse, everyone is living underground and competing religious cults are in charge, one run by Miles (Rowdy Roddy Piper, the WW$ wrestler) and the other by Sophia, the Amazon. Their 'shepherds' are male and female assassins. Cole, whose wife and child were killed sometime in the past, gets fed up with the job but agrees to do one last job.
   Cole's target, one of Sophia's outfit, has a son, so he goes on the run with her, pursued by Gideon, the head of Miles' shepherds. Lots of shooting and crazy driving. His target asks Cole if he believes that the surface is okay now and the cult leaders are keeping everyone underground to keep them under their thumbs.
   Cole parks mom & the kid, goes on a bender, gets beaten up by druggies but returns as mom is trying to save the kid from a cannibal. Mom does a spot of assassinating, borrows Cole's memory specs to have a lot at his family and climbs into bed with him. Gideon gets his ass into gear, resumes the hunt and grabs the kid.
   Miles & Sophia start their own armageddon, Gideon nails Miles in a crucifixion pose and admits to Cole that he killed his wife & kid. The cult leaders take each other out and the 2 shepherds, and the kid, make it through an exit tunnel to the glorious outside where, presumably, the gut-shot Cole croaks for lack of medical attention.

The Shepherd (2008, Jean-Claude Van Damme) Night manoeuvres in Kabul and a human bomb. Boom! 2 years later, Det. Jack of New Orleans PD is moved to the Border Patrol in New Mexico. He has a rabbit called Jack and he can sort out rednecks, which gives Capt Garcia the hump. She gives him the token black guy as his partner. The Mexican smugglers have a mole.
   Jack gets involved in a border incident and a kid wearing a bomb goes Boom! The smuggers are using people to get heroin across the border, and they're ex-US special forces led by Benjamin Myers, ex-CIA, who takes out 2 rivals. Garcia gets the hump even more when Jack kills 2 armed muggers.
   The BGs crash over the border to Mexico on a bus full of nuns & priests, and start a small war. Jack is grabbed by corrupt cops and his parner is a BG. Capt. Garcia presides over burying half of her outfit. Jack tells Meyers, to prevent Garcia from being blown up, that his drugs killed Jack's daughter, that's why he's after Meyers.
   Jack and Garcia escape and she phones for back-up. Meyers is cut off by his associates, who grab all of his cash. The cavalry arrives for a huge battle. Meyers gets what's coming to him and the partner is blown up. Then Jack goes back to his wife with his daughter's rabbit.

Sherlock Holmes (2009) SH is at a loose end having caught a crazed black magic killer, who murdered 5 women. The crazed Lord Blackwood is hanged. Someone hires Irene Adler to wind up SH. Lestrade thinks Blackwood has been resurrected! The body in the grave isn't his. SH is busy trying to prevent Watson from marrying Mary and deserting him.
   SH and an 8-foot French BG wreck a boat yard. A secret society of magicians contacts SH. Blackwood is too powerful for them to handle. The Home Sec. is one of them. He's murdered and Adler outsmarts SH again. Blackwood wants to head the Order and rule the world. Adler is nearly bisected.
   SH, Watson and Adler are blown up a bit and SH is made public enemy No. 1 by the Home Sec. Blackwood is planning mass murder at Parliament. Foiled, then there is some pratting about on Tower Bridge, which is under construction, and Blackwood ends up being hanged with no trickery.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (2011) It's 1891, war is in the air and someone is letting off bombs. Not anarchists, it's Moriarty, SH thinks. Watson is about to marry Mary. He gets a look at the spider's web of Moriarty's activities, which SH has created in his old room. Mycroft pokes his nose into the stag do. SH rescues Madame Sin, the fortune teller, from a Cossak. Her brother is about to do something terminal. Moriarty invited SH to a confrontation at his place of work.
   The married Watsons have to throw an assassin off their train. SH does the same to Mary to save her life and Mycroft fishes her out of a river. Mucho murder on the train then it's off to Paris for hedgehog with Madame Sin. Her brother is Moriarty's bomber. He blows up the head of an arms factory, giving control to Moriarty.
   SH is taken prisoner. He knows that Moriarty is planning a world war. SH's escape triggers a minor local war. Watson has to reboot SH, who thinks that Moriarty's next move will be an assassination to start his war. Moriarty has replaced one of the people at the peace conference with a surgical look-alike.
   The failed killer is killed. Moriarty tells SH that he has killed Irene Adler. SH improvises their final struggle instead of letting it play out logically and takes both of them on a death plunge? [not at Reichenbach] SH is still alive and up to his tricks at Baker Street at the end.

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Silk Stocking (2004, Rupert Everett as Holmes) A young Holmes was on a drug binge when a female body was found on a Thames mud flat. Watson kibitzed at the post mortem. The victim was strangled with a silk stocking and dressed like a prostitute but she was Lady Alice, the daughter of the duke of Marlborough. The duke hired Holmes, who accused Watson of dogging his heels. Watson said he was just trying to get Holmes off drugs, then he introduced Holmes to his American fiancée, who was a shrink. She started profiling the killer.
   Lady Georgina was kidnapped next. "She's dead already," Holmes told Lestrade, and she was found hanging in the fog, dressed in Lady Alice's clothes. Holmes set a trap at Lady Georgina's funeral but Lady Imogen disappeared in the fog. Holmes shot up with coke but Imogen was recovered alive. The killer was a foot fetishist and she had a club foot.
   Holmes questioned Charles Allen, a footman on the duke's staff, Imogen freaked out when she was confronted by him in a corridor but the duchess reclaimed him (because she was having casual sex with him) and the duke fired Holmes. Holmes, wearing a brilliant disguise, set another trap at a ball. He caught a Charles Allen trying to abduct a girl but fingerprints said it was the wrong man. Holmes deduced identical twins.
   Lady Roberta was grabbed next. Luckily, she had a nose-bleed, which left a trail at the killer's lair. Watson shamed the duchess into helping while Lestrade worked over the prisoner in his cell. Lestrade lost his prisoner. Holmes tracked the killer to his lair, there was a confrontation with both brothers, and they both ended up in clink, destined for a date with the hangman.

Sherlock Holmes and the Incident at Victoria Falls (1991, Christopher 'Count Dracula' Lee as Holmes, Patrick 'John Steed' McNee as Watson) It's 1910 and Holmes is about to retire to start a bee ranch in Sussex when his brother sends him to South Africa to escort a diamond called the Star of Africa back to England. The Matabele are after the diamond because it was part of treasure which they stole, which was stolen from them by the British. Holmes meets Mr. Marconi during his travels.
   The plan is for Holmes to switch the diamond for a fake but, before Holmes can do the formal switch but after he has handled the diamond privately, Chandra Seth organizes a gang to tunnel into the vault containing the safe, steal its contents and leave the safe-cracker dead inside. The Boer police superintendent is a complete dolt, who keeps arresting the wrong people.
   Red herrings flow thick and fast. Mr. Morrison at the hotel turns out to be A.J. Raffles, who is shacked with Lilly Langtree, the dumped royal mistress, so the stupid super busts him. Holmes & Watson bust a gut to get on a train for Victoria Falls to follow up a clue. Holmes meets ex-president Teddy Rosevelt on the train. Then he finds Mr. Seth stabbed with a Matabele knife.
   The president helps to trap a fleeing suspect. Watson catches up with Lord Roberts, with whom he served in the 2nd Afghan War. Holmes gets to shoot a charging lion. A Thug takes out the obnoxious Greek chancer, who is determined to marry the widow of a Maharaja, who is from the lowest cast and vulnerable to blackmail. A sinister African burns the treasure map as Holmes, as a hoody, is burgling James the rotter, whose father found the Star.
   James' wife is murdered and chomped by a crocodile. The treasure cave is blown up. Holmes & Watson scramble onto another train to race home to the funeral of Edward VII. 'Marconi' is an imposter and he has the diamond (or the fake). Holmes gives the fake to Lestrade and decides not to retire. Then his brother bursts in on him, demands the real rock.

Sherlock Holmes and the Leading Lady (1992, Christopher 'Count Dracula' Lee as Holmes, Patrick 'John Steed' McNee as Watson) A remote controlled detonator for a bomb is stolen in Vienna from the British government agent who buys it in 1910. Both the Kaiser & the Tsar want it. Sherlock Holmes suspects Irene Adler, who is performing in Die Fledermaus at the opera house, where the inventor is killed. Dr. Watson is convinced that Dr. Freud, who hypnotizes Adler for information, is a charlatan.
   Fun, games & skulduggery at an Austrian minister's castle. Adler's maid is killed instead of her. Then Simpson-Makepiece of the British embassy is found bludgeoned to death with the plan of the detonator in his pocket. Holmes decides it is a fake. Holmes has a Reichenbach moment with the bad guy Oberstein, who comes to a sticky end. Then he follows the trail of a fat Hungarian, with Dr. Freud taking over from Watson for a while.
   Holmes becomes involved in an impromptu auction for the plan, which he burns. So everyone chases the prototype of the infernal device, which is in the hands of Bosnian terrorists, who are planning to kill Emperor Franz-Joseph at the opera. Adler is kidnapped from the theatre because the bombers think Holmes is getting too close.
   Holmes deliberately walks into a trap but Eliot Ness, posing as a suitor to Adler, shoots the Serb whom Holmes was hoping to question, so Holmes is left clueless. Dr. Freud does some more hypnotizing and Holmes eventually realizes the bomb is at the opera. The emperor refuses to go somewhere else but Watson finds the bomb and chucks it into the river. Then Holmes & Adler got their separate ways.

Sherlock Holmes and the Voice of Doom (1942, Basil Rathbone, Nigel Bruce) A German radio station is making simultaneous mocking broadcasts as disasters and sabotage happen in wartime England. The government can't figure out what is going on; send for Mr. Holmes. He deduces that the messages are recordings made in England and flown to Germany for broadcasting.
   Narzi agents ambush Holmes but the good old scum of the East End come to his rescue and he lets Mr. Meade escape, knowing he's in harassing East Ender Kitty, as part of a plan to identify the leak on The Council of great & good.
   The Voice brags about a coming attack in the North so Holmes drags everyone to the South Coast. Some Narzi leaders are captured, and Holmes unmasks the infiltraitor Heinrich von Bock, who has been in place since the last war.

Sherlock: Case of Evil (2002) Sherlock Holmes (who looks about 22) is busted for murder but there's no body. Even so, the papers credit him with killing Prof. Moriarty, who was blackmailing his client, Lady de Winter. Mr. Harrington, the drug dealer, wants to hire Holmes to catch whomever is killing off London's dealers. Holmes meets Dr. Watson at the autopsy on a dead opium dealer. Holmes tells Inspector Lestrade that the killer is short and hook-handed.
   The killer is found hanging and the police are happy with suicide. Holmes gets Watson to do an unauthorized autopsy to confirm murder. Harrington is done in next. Holmes hits the bottle to do some thinking over Watson's autopsy reports. He realizes that Moriarty is killing opium dealers to build a monopoly for himself.
   The drug-shattered wreck of Mycroft Holmes, one of Moriarty's victims, fires his brother up again. Holmes finds 'Lady de Winter' and shoots Moriarty again in his bullet-proof vest. Then he's taken for a ride and hooked on heroin, which Moriarty invented. Watson rehabilitates him and Holmes locates Moriarty's warehouse.
   The police go in shooting Moriarty's men to bits. Moriarty escapes, does in 'Lady de Winter', and battles with Holmes in the Big Ben clock tower. He's run through with Holmes' sword but his body vanishes into the Thames.

Sherlock Holmes in Washington (1943) features Basil Rathbone as Holmes and Nigel Bruce as the world's dimmest Watson. Bad guys were after 'The Document' but they grabbed the courier after he had passed it on. Sherlock Holmes was put on the job of recovering The Document as he knew the missing 'Gregson' a.k.a. Pettibone. Holmes deduced that the document was on microfilm concealed in a match book, which was passed around frequently from hand to hand.
   Holmes received a trunk containing Pettibone's body in Washington, so he did his CSI act and went looking for a dodgy antiques shop. Meanwhile, the bad guys had kidnapped the woman into whose handbag Pettibone had dropped the match book. Holmes and the head bad guy took turns to fool each other but, of course, the great detective had the last laugh.

Shooter (2007) A US covert force in Ethiopia abandoned a sniper and his spotter, who was killed, but the sniper made it home. 3 years later, Bobby Swagger was dragged out of retirement to protect the President from assassination. Only the target turned out to be an Ethiopian archbishop, who was about to expose US terrorism in his country.
   Swagger got the blame when the archbishop was killed, apparently by a shot that missed the president. But he mugged Special Agent Nick Memphis of the FBI and escaped. He went to his spotter's girlfriend for a refuge and some improvised ER treatment for bullet wounds. Memphis began to realize that the story the FBI was getting about Swagger didn't add up.
   The bad guys grabbed Memphis but Swagger saved him and he became the spotter. The BGs grabbed the girlfriend next. Swagger, on the trail of the real killer of the archbishop, was told a tale of oil and murder in Ethiopia; the job his spotter was killed on. Swagger arranged to meet "The Colonel" and the Senator behind the massacre on a snowy mountain.
   There was a bit of shooting, Swagger let the Senator escape then he surrendered. He told the Attorney General what had happened but the BGs were allowed to get away with what they'd done because that's the American way. So Swagger took heed of a hint dropped by the AG and took them out.

Showdown In Little Tokyo (1991, Dolph Lundgren) A cop goes to arrest a mobster at fight night in L.A.'s Japanese quarter. There's a big shoot-out and the bad guy gets away Yakuza shake down the cop's breakfast joint, which is wrecked, and he ends up with a new partner: Johnny of the Asian Taskforce. The Yaks are planning to distribute a new version of meth called Ice from their brewery.
   The partners crash a club and find that the new owner is the bad guy who killed the cop's parents in Japan when he was 9. The cop rescues a dishonoured singer from the BG's pad, so the BG demands the blond cop's head. The partners get into a bath house brawl and the BG gets away.
   The cop and the singer take a break at his Japanese style home but BGs set fire to it and grab the girl. The partners have to escape from a car shredder. They wreck the BG's brewery and meth plant, and the BG ends up skewered on a katana and Catherine wheeled!

The Siege (1998) is a naive terrorist drama set in New York pre 9/11. The US military grab a terrorist sheikh and his followers start bombing New York, taking out the FBI's HQ with a van bomb. So martial law is declared and the army surround Brooklyn, where the Arabs live, and begins rounding up suspects with their usual heavy-handedness. We learn that the sheikh was groomed by the CIA as an opponent to Saddam Hussein then abandoned, and that the bombers are CIA trained.
   And at the end, we are invited to believe that New Yorkers would take to the street in support of their wronged Arab neighbours and the FBI would be allowed to bust the general in charge of the army expedition, who also captured the sheikh in the first place.

Signs (2002) Mel Gibson play a former minister, who lost his faith when his wife was run over 6 months before. He has 2 kids and his brother living in. They find signs flattened into his corn crop in Pennsylvania. One of the dogs goes crazy and the young son has to kill it. They report people messing about at the farm to the lady sheriff, but they didn't actually eyeball anyone.
   There's a worldwide plague of crop circles; either the most elaborate hoax of all time or aliens have arrived for real. The local army recruiting sergeant thinks they're scouting the human threat. The rest of the people in the town are also seriously weird. UFOs appear in the sky over Mexico City. MG's brother decide the crop circles are for navigation.
   The local vet admits killing MG's missus when he nodded off at the wheel of his car, and by the way, he has an alien locked in his pantry. Mexican TV shows pictures of an alien sneaking about. MG finds everyone wearing cooking foil hats when he arrives home after confirming there really is an alien in the vet's pantry.
   MG & Co. barricade themselves in their house. Luckily, the aliens have trouble getting through doors. Aliens get the other dog when they invade the house but MG's brother belts one of them with his baseball bat to save his nephew. Humanity defeats the evil aliens and MG puts his dog collar back on, his faith restored by his wife's apt dying words. A very silly film.

Silent Trigger (1996) is all about a sniper (Dolph Lundgren) who won't pull the trigger. Full of empty spaces and driving rain, it alternates between real time and flash-backs as the sniper and his female spotter set up operations which are never performed. The spotter is told to kill the sniper on both occasions and he is under attack by friend and foe alike. Which seems fair enough if he won't go through with his jobs.

Sinbad and the Minotaur (2011) is a not very good creature-feature. King Minos stole the golden head of the Colossus of Rhodes and he was done in. 1,000 years later, Sinbad nicked a clue to the head's whereabouts, and a slave girl, from a sorcerer. Everyone ended up on Minos, the island, where the natives were far from friendly.
   Sinbad and his crew went for a wander in the labyrinth. Sinbad outsmarted the Minotaur, then he had the sorcerer to deal with. The locals turned into zombies, so cue a battle and the sorcerer recaptured the girl. Sinbad hadn't killed the Minotaur, all he'd done was make it angry!
   More zombies went after Sinbad's crew. He found the golden head in a temple. The sorcerer bamboozled the zombies into thinking he was their king, but he ended up barbequed. Sinbad slew the Minotaur and the volcano blew its top.

Sin City (2005) is based on graphic novels and very cartoony. A cop an hour from retirement has to rescue an 11-year-old girl from a Senator's demented killer son. He shoots up the bad guy, his partner shoots him in the back but the girl is saved.
   A human gargoyle is framed for a hooker's murder. Marve carves his way through informers until he comes up against a killer who's better than him. But Marve takes out the creep, and his crazy archbishop mentor before he's railroaded to the electric chair.
   A killer with a new face goes after Jackie-boy and his posse. A seriously hostile woman takes out Jackie; oh, no! He's Iron Jack, a hero cop, a truce has been broken and dirty cops and the Mob will take over Old Town from the hookers. McCarty tries to get rid of the bodies in the local tar pits but one of the hookers blabs. But a monster ambush sees off the bad guys.
   A cop in a coma: the guy from the first story is repaired and put in gaol for 8 years. Then the letters from Nancy, under a false name, stop suddenly. He admits everything to get himself released. Too late, he realizes he's supposed to lead the bad guys to Nancy. An unkillable stinky freak turns out to be the Senator's son rebuilt. So the cop has to protect and serve one last time.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World (1998) In Mongolia in 1934, a Professor White finds a live pterodactyl egg and a whole gang of dinosaur bats with big teeth. He tells Professor Challenger what he found just before he croaks and Challenger meets with much mockery in London. So he takes an expedition of misfits, including White's daughter, to Mongolia in search of dinosaurs.
   Miss White is almost fed to pterodactyls in a King Kong rip-off and a gratuitous balloon takes the expedition up to the plateau. Roxton, the mercenary hunter, tries to leave everyone in the lurch but he falls down a crocodile's hole in the ground. Only to appear later on and get what's coming to him.
   The dinosaurs chomp their way through the group, starting with the old professor who called Challenger a liar. Only Challenger and Miss White get off the plateau alive, and Challenger decides the world isn't ready for a place where there are live dinosaurs. And the mad Irish journalist is left alone on the plateau to survive for as long as he can manage.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes (2010) A dying Dr. Watson watches London burn during the Blitz and dictates an account of SH's greatest accomplishment. It begins in May, 1882, when a Treasury ship carrying taxes from the West Indies is attacked by a monster in the Channel. Watson & Lestrade think the sole survivor is delusional. Robert Sherlock Holmes, who's a bit of a twit, gets Watson to do some pratting about on a cliff, to no avail.
   A dinosaur rampages in the East End of London. Holmes & Watson meet it in a park but keep quiet about it. The monster steals a water pump and Holmes thinks the next target is copper wire. A trap flops. Holmes follows a lead to a factory, the dinosaur gets there first and the place blows up.
   Holmes & Watson continue to blunder about in the dark, and they meet some mechanical monsters. Mycroft Holmes is behind them. He has it in for Lestrade, who keeps stealing the glory for Mycroft's brilliance, and Mycroft plans to frame Lestrade for something terrible; the assassination of Queen Victoria.
   His robot assistant, Miss Ivory, heads for the palace as a suicide bomber. Mycroft sets fire to London with his flying dinosaur while Holmes pursues him in a hot-air balloon with a propeller on the top. Watson breaks Miss Ivory. Holmes takes out Mycroft, and Lestrade grabs the credit for saving the Queen.

The Skulls (2000) Luke is invited to join a secret society, to which 3 past presidents belonged, and get his college fees paid. His pal Will gets bent out of shape when Luke is made a 'soul mate' to private school type Caleb Mandrake. The new recruits get a watch, a skull brand on the arm, a key to the society's 'ritual room', a rule book and a flash car. Judge Mandrake is a top Skull, and so is Dr. Grissom of CSI:Las Vegas, who poses as a senator.
   Luke finds $20,000 in his bank account when he takes his other pal, Chloe, out for a meal. Will steals Caleb's key, intending to expose the Skulls in his student newspaper. He has a confrontation with Caleb and he's found hanging; an apparent suicide. A detective tries to frame Luke as a murderer.
   In the society's Truth Chamber, Caleb tells Luke he caught Will in the ritual room and Will fell and broke his neck. Caleb's father says they tidied things up to protect the Skulls. But Luke turns to his criminal school mates for help and steals a surveillance tape, which shows Will surviving the fall until the university provost, a Skulls stooge, killing him.
   Luke takes the tape to the police but the detective switches it for a blank tape and busts him for murder. Luke ends up drugged in a mental hospital. Chloe tells Caleb he didn't kill Will, she rescues Luke and the detective saves their asses when killers come after them.
   Luke uses Skulls' Rule 119 to challenge crack-shot Caleb to a duel, then he urges him to tell the truth. Caleb shoots his dad when he tries to intervene. Luke stops him killing himself. The senator is now top Skull and tells Luke he's seen how the world can be made to work for him. But Luke dumps the Skulls.

Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow (2004) It's 1938 and Hindenburg III is flying to the strange, sepia world of New York. A scientist tells reporter Polly that he's the last survivor of a secret German team and Totenkopf is coming for him. Flying robots attack New York; one of a string of attacks worldwide. Sky Captain Joe is summoned but doesn't achieve much, and Polly gets to run around with giant robots stomping nearby.
   Joe delivers a dead robot to Dex, his techie, and Polly arrives at his base to harass him. He tells her the machines have been hitting targets for 3 years, and vanishing after stealing various items. Dr. Jennings gives Polly 2 vials and tells her Totenkopf is after them, and the count-down to the end of the world has begun.
   Joe's base is attacked, he & Polly fly along New York streets, Dex is captured and Joe's plane can become a submarine! Totenkopf is a genius, who's building a doomsday device. Joe & Polly head for Tibet and Shangri La. They find a uranium mine just before it's blown up, and end up in a monastery.
   They follow a lead to Totenkopf and land on a British aerial aircraft carrier to get reinforcements for an attack on Totenkopf's island. The bad guy is building an Ark; a rocketship containing examples of all life on Earth and he plans to blow up the Earth when his ship clears the atmosphere.
   Shock, horror! Totenkopf has been dead since 1918. The island is now Totenkopf. Joe & Polly battle aboard and make the rocket fall to bits after the launch and the Earth is saved! A well-made and very watchable film.

Skyfall (2012, Daniel Craig) Bond burgled, the bad guy got away. Cue a chase and some carnage in Constantinopolis, pratting about on the roof of a train and Bond being shot by another agent when M told her to try to kill the BG, who had an encrypted list of undercover agents embedded in terrorist organizations.
   The fall from the bridge into the river and going over the waterfall would have killed a lesser man. M was told she was out of date and had to retire voluntarily. Like Hell! The BG blew up the crappy MI6 building. Bond, rusticating and boozing, went home after seeing a TV report. The new MI6 was in a WW II bunker. Bond's MoT was a bust but he was still approved for duty.
   The new Q was a schoolboy? Orf to Shanghai to brawl with a killer, then to Macau. The list had been decrypted and the agents were being put on the Interweb 5 at a time. Orf to a casino to collect the killer's case of cash and collect a new friend. Bond met the hissy freak of a hacker, who ended up locked up in a glass box.
   Q's attempts to get the better of the hacker released the hissy freak as M was being patronized by bumptious MPs, who were shot up a bit. Orf for some fun in and under the Tube. Bond strolled off with M as bait. They ended up at the McBond estate, now occupied by Kinkaid, the gillie. Let battle commence!
   The hoose got a good seeing to. Good job there was an escape tunnel. Bond had a Mythbusters moment with the propane cylinders. Then it was the old shoot the ice on the frozen lake trick. The hissy freak got what was coming to him eventually and M croaked. So there was a new one, and the lady who shot Bond turned out to be Eve Moneypenny.

Skyjacked (1972) Charlton Heston is Captain O'Hara, an airline pilot who gets to smoke his pipe during take off! Some rotten sod writes a message on a toilet mirror in lipstick telling the plane to divert from Mineapolis to Anchorage because there's a bomb aboard. Not to mention people smoking! There's a senator and a pregnant woman aboard, but no nuns.
   Bad weather means no fuel margin and an instrument landing, courtesy of the US air force, at Alaska; and an encounter with a small plane with no radio on the way. Capt. O'Hara lights his pipe to celebrate the successful landing. The psycho army sergeant hijacker pulls a grenade out of his sock when he spots Feds lurking on the tarmac. He wants to go to Moscow.
   The Fed who infiltrates the cargo hold is a frozen flop. After being buzzed by the Soviet air force, and after the pregnant woman has given birth, the plane lands and the sergeant offers his services, and his aircraft, to the Russkies. By the way, there's no bomb, he adds to Capt. O'Hara before shooting him cosmetically. Then the Russians blow the nutter away.

Skyline (2010) Glowing lights landing in a city. Oh, crap! It's a 15 hours earlier. Jerry, our hero, and his girlfriend, Elaine, get the VIP treatment in LA. His buddy Terry wants Jerry to move there. Elaine is secretly pregnant. Then aliens arrive and use the blue lights to turn people into zombies. They are still at it when Jerry and Terry go up on the roof of the hotel for a look around.
   Jerry thinks they should make a run for it on his boat. There are monsters with claws and tentacles on the streets, so lots of running away. What are the air force doing? Getting shot to bits taking out one of the big spaceships and wrecking even more of the city.
   "They're not dead," Jerry decides, "just really, really pissed off!" More alien chomping and chasing. Jerry is being taken over when Elaine puts an axe in its glowing brain. Then he clobbers the beast to save her. But they're sucked up to an alien ship to be eaten by the scum-sucking aliens, or have their brain transplanted to an alien body, in Jerry's case. Then he can protect pregnant Elaine from the other scum-suckers.

Slap Shot (1977) Paul Newman stars in this ice hockey comedy with wall-to-wall extreme bad language as Reg Dunlop, the player/coach of the Chiefs. Their home town is going down the pan and the owner takes on the 3 Hanson brothers, who all have thick specs, as new team members. Dunlop comes up with a strategy of violence and taunting to turn him team into winners. He also tries to find out who owns the team and spreads a story about a company in Florida being interested in buying it.
   The violent Chiefs become winners, and the Hanson brothers are arrested in Hyanisport when they retaliate against a thug in the crowd. Dunlop eventually tracks down the team's owner, only to find that she thinks it makes better financial sense to fold the team and take a tax loss than to sell the team.
   Dunlop admits to the team that he made up the story about a move to Florida and asks them to play their last ever match, for the championship, in a clean, old-style way. Fine, except that Syracuse turns up with hockey's biggest criminals on the team. The brawling starts after Dunlop learns that there are scouts in the crowd. No. 10 takes the piss out of the whole thing by doing a strip, Syracuse are disqualified for abuse of an official and the Chiefs end up winners!

Small Soldiers (1998) features the Emergency Medical Hologram from Cap'n Quack's Voyager. Toymakers put military chips into 'Action Man' type toy soldiers and monsters, making them much too clever to be let loose. Only a group starts a war in an American suburb and the "Sir, Yes, Sir!!!" soldiers nearly wreck the homes of a toy store owner and his neighbour. The lead characters are a couple of youngish teenagers but the film is full of laughs, thanks mainly to the antics of the robots, and suitable for adults.

Snake Eyes got 4 stars and it proved to be an interesting and different film. A politician is shot at a boxing match, which the champion throws to settle his debts. And the crooked cop finds out that the whole thing was arrange by his best buddy, the naval officer in charge of the politician's security.
   The film is all about whistle-blowing on a defence contract for a missile that didn't work. There are lots of replays from different points of view as the cop works out what really happened, and he goes from hero to zero – facing gaol time in the end. Oh, yes, and the twist is that the politician – the US Secretary of Defense – isn't crooked!

Snakes On A Plane (2006, Samuel L. Jackson) A kid riding around Honolulu on a motorbike saw a Chinese mobster, Edward Kim, kill a visiting L.A. prosecutor. Agent Neville Flynn rescued the kid from a Chinese hit squad and tried some misdirection. But Kim knew which flight they were taking and loaded the cargo hold up with poisonous snakes with a time release mechanism and sprayed the plane with pheromones to drive the snakes wild.
   There was mayhem on the plane when the snakes were released and the captain was one of the first casualties. The snakes kept zapping the avionics and the copilot disappeared to reboot them, leaving Flynn and one of the dinner ladies to pull the plane out of a nose dive.
   The FBI rounded up the guy who supplied the snake and made him talk. Flynn shot out a window to de-pressurize the plane and expel the snakes. One of the passengers had to land it after the co-pilot croaked, but he had 2,000 hours logged on his Play Station 2.
   The kid was attacked by a snake as he was about to go down the escape chute but Flynn shot it. And the kid survived to take Flynn surfing.

Sneakers (1992) has become a bit of a historical film, as far as the computer technology is concerned. A gang of lovable experts, who get paid to try to penetrate security systems, are recruited by the NSA to steal a maths professor's little black box. There's some clunking comedy along the way.
   Surprise! The gadget is the ultimate code-breaker and it can be used to hack banks, air-traffic control, everything. Surprise! The NSA guys aren't. Their boss is an old friend of Martin Bishop, who wants to destroy the world's financial systems, and he frames Marty for the murder of a Russian diplomat as well as the professor.
   Marty and his gang try to make a deal with the real NSA. They find out where the box is and attempt the sort of high-tech burglary tried out by the Mythbusters. Things go a bit pear-shaped and the blind guy ends up driving the truck. The NSA does make a deal, but the box doesn't work because Marty stole the vital chip.

Snow Beast (2011) There's a monster in the frozen woods killing people, and the usual dysfunctional research team looking for snow lynx and dreaming of a trip to Antarctica in an area where the RCMP have a missing snowboarder. More people vanish. The team finds strange tracks and hears noises outside the cabin. One wrecked snowmobile by a creature which walks upright.
   The team is right in the middle of the local sheriff's incident reports. The leader finds a body stashed in a snow cave. Jim decides the creature is too dangerous to investigate and they have to leave. Marcie doesn't agree, goes off on her own and ends up dead.
   The truck won't start and the creature has eaten everything else in the area. There's just Jim, his stroppy daughter and Rob left. Jim goes for help and crashes. Emmy wants Rob to take her to the monster's cave to look for her dad. 4 trank darts slow the monster down. Dad's not dead but Rob is pretty soon.
   Jim starts an avalanche to get away from the monster and manages not to kill himself and Emmy. They're labelled "Survivors of the Hoax" in the national press. Natch, the monster ain't dead.

Snowmageddon (2011) It's Xmas at the town of Normal, Alaska, which sits at the foot of a snow-capped mountain. Our hero gets an anonymous gift: a snow globe with a clockwork mechanism, and when the kid starts it, all sorts of bad things happen in the globe and also in Normal. Like methane explosions then the mountain shooting out snow bombs with ice-bullet shrapnel, and people being killed.
   The kid's mom and his sister are shot down with their helicopter, and when dad rescues them, they're buried by an avalanche. The stoopid kid decides it's all his fault and goes off somewhere. One of the local roughnecks tries to break the snow globe and doesn't even dent it.
   They have to throw it in the volcano, sez the kid. But the volcano has been dormant for thousands of years. No, it starts popping off. So dad makes hard work of throwing the snow globe into a lava flow, and that makes all the bad stuff stop. Yeah, like that would happen!

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