December 2016

[Thursday, 01st] Crossing Lines [21:00, Alibi] A chase with hysterical cops but the perp no longer has the polonium. The squad were after a weapons smuggler but he passed on the goods; enough to wipe out half a major city. The team spotted a suspect, who did a runner in a stolen car but didn't get far. Agent Arabella found fridge magnets in the suspect's bag. Is there a British traitor at the nuclear plant?
   How obstructive could the general wished on the team get? Agent Marco confronted the traitor; he wanted to expose a cover-up of radioactive carelessness but he was conned. The general ordered his people to shoot the guy as he was threatening to contaminate a building's water supply. They went off the air to talk the guy round. So the general retired.

[Friday, 02nd] TNF replay: the Cowboys @ the Vikings [VM/Sky sports od] Things were going well for the MV but holding stalled them to a FG in the 13th minute. Pinned deep in Q2, the Cowboys marched the length of the field to the MV 1, and Elliott speared into the end zone. 7-3. Bradford was clobbered and went off with a minute to go, both QBs were crunched.
   The Vikings managed another FG in the 13th minute of Q3, 7-6. The Vikings forced and recovered a fumble in the last seconds, and kicked a FG in the first minute of Q4; through off the right post, 7-9. Dallas were sacked to a punt in the 5th minute, challenged and got a recovery of a fumble in the kick return at the MV 8. TD for Bryant on the next play, 14-9.
   The Cowboys went further ahead with a FG in the 11th minute, 17-9. The Vikings reached the DC 3 in the last minute, TD for McKinnon, no +2 because Bradford's pass was too high and rubbish. But the zebras missed a blow to his head which should have been a roughing the passer penalty. They screw up again.

[Saturday, 03rd] A Touch of Frost [17:50, ITV 3] Early morning ram raiders taget a fashion shop in Denton. Frost has to train a new DS sidekick. Vickie, the physio, is murdered at lunchtime. Frost is stealing food from the other inmates at the police hostel. He calls on a member of a weird religious cult, who had treatment from Vickie, and decides to harass Mr. Meyerbridge, whose wife knows he had an affair with Vickie.
   Frost gets to harass the sinister foreigner at the health centre where Vikkie worked. Meyerbridge aimed his solicitor, of whom Mullet is terrified, at Frost. Mullet puts Frost on the ram raider case after another assault. There's a Big Dave to suspect and stake out.
   Frost harasses a butcher and burgles the first-floor room, which he allowed Mayerbridge to use. Then he harasses poor old Gwen from the building society. The new DS's wife hates Denton after just a week there. Frost steals Meyerbridge's bin bags to digd deeper. Mrs. M. confesses to the murder. Frost finally realizes it was neither of them. And the butcher is dead, apparently.
   A major lawn mower thief is bagged but not the ram raiders. Poor little Millie, the petty criminal, is done for the murder. The new DS is getting out of both Denton and the police to save his marriage.
Bones series 5/16 [20:00, Living] Dr. Sweet has written a book; and made an ass of himself with a series of assumptions based on what he thought was the first case involving FBI Agent Booth and Dr. Brennan of the Jeffersonian. But he was wrong. It wasn't their first job together. So they got to tell Sweet how the whole gang of misfits came together to solve a cold case after the victim's mother appealed directly to Booth, knowing that Sweet would probably reach the same worthless conclusions from new evidence.

[Sunday, 04th] NFL Sunday (17:30, SS 2) KC in Atlanta. The Falcs reached the end zone in the 4th minute but were denied by the zebras. So they came back a minute later with one that stuck. The Chiefs blasted back with an equalizer 2 minutes later but the PAT was blocked, 6-7. The Falcs got good yardage from PI and a roughing the passer penalty, but they were sacked to a FG. 6-10.
   The Chiefs were forced to fumble the ball away with 3 minutes left, and the Falcons kicked a FG in Q2. 6-13. A TD for the Chiefs made it 13-all. The Chiefs had to punt with a minute left but a pick by Berry went back for a TD for 20-13. Almost another pick-6 for the Falcons, but they were held to a FG, 20-16.
   The Chiefs sent out the punting unit in the 3rd minute, and Wilson blasted 55 yards for a TD! 27-16. The Falcons blew up on downs after 6 minutes. The Falcons reached the KC 1 in Q4, TD, no +2, 27-22. The Falcons scored a TD and went for 2 to give themselves a FG lead. But the Chiefs ran a pick back for the 2 points by Berry! 29-28 and the Chiefs hung on to the ball for the win.
Next, the Giants in Pittsburg. Punting. Holding in their own end zone by the Giants cost them a safety, 0-2. Green took a pass 37 yards after 13 minutes but the Steelers were held to a FG. 5-0. The Giants got close in Q2 but a pick set up a TD for Brown, no +2, 0-11. The Steelers did some grinding, they were sacked out of the red zone at the end of the quarter and kicked a FG. 0-14.
   The Giants were sacked to a punt in Q3. They went out on downs at the PS 3, but the Steelers soon fumbled the ball back to them. TD for the Giants in 2 plays, 7-14. The Steelers came back for a TD for Green. 7-21. A sack for the Giants then a pick in the last minute of the quarter.
   In Q4, Manning was intercepted going for a 4th & 13 but the Steelers punted. Manning was murdered on another 4th down with 7 minutes left. More Bell on the ground as the Steelers ate clock. Making a 4th down put the Steelers comfortably on the way to a win at the 2MW. The Giants turned nasty and tried to break Bell's neck; not spotted by the zebras, natch. The Steelers kicked a FG, 7-24. A garbage time TD for the Giants made the final score 17-24.

[Monday, 05th] SNF replay: the Panthers @ the Seaweeds [13:00, SS 2] Things got ugly for the Panthers right away. A pick gave the Weeds a FG then they returned another pick 92 yards for a TD. 0-10. The Panthers fumbled the ball away a couple of minutes into Q2 but they sacked and intercepted their way back to the ball.
   A huge TD pass to Ginn on 3rd & 17 gave the Panthers their only score. 7-10. The Weeds needed 2 plays for another TD, they kicked a FG after the 2MW, and they had time to stop the Panthers and come back for another FG. 7-23 at the half.
   A 75 yard TD in the first few seconds of Q3 made it 7-30. The Weeds scored another TD 4 minutes into Q4 for 7-40 and a FG completed the scoring of the massacre at 7-37.
The Librarians & the Reunion of Evil [20:00, Syfy] Stone and Cassandra went after a huge lump of ice, which contained a much smaller crystal, which embedded itself in Cassy. Jones had to look after the Loch Ness Monster's egg. Cassy and Stone ended up in a hotel full of demons. The Colonel and Jenkins went to rescue them. The BGs were Frost Giants, who could do weather control. But they were no match for Cassy's magic. And the baby Nessie hatched out in the library.
Renegades (1989) [21:00, ITV 4] A big stand-off between cops and crooks in a street at night. An undercover cop strolled out of a bar and defused the BGs; and got a night in a cell for his pains. McHenry was involved in a diamond robbery, which included gratuitous murder. The remains of the gang ended up in a Red Indian museum and stole a sacred Lakota lance.
   McHenry was also looking for a dirty cop. One of the Injuns went after the lance. McHenry was shot and dumped, so the Injun took him to a medicine man instead of a hospital. McHenry tried to ditch the Indian because he wanted the BG alive and the Injun wanted to kill him for killing his brother.
   The cop attached himself to a BG lady; and got her killed. He was given 24 hours to get hold of the diamonds after the BG did some more killing; from the dirty cop lieutenant for whom his dad went to gaol as a dirty cop. Big shoot-out at a ranch. The dirty cop was filled fulla lead by the BG and the cop gave the spear back to the BG; in his chest.

[Tuesday, 06th] MNF replay: The Colts at the Jets [18:30, SS Mix] Well, this was a massacre by the Colts. I think Sky Sports must be run by Jets fans because it was a hell of a job finding out when the replay would be shown, as the TV schedule was all over the place for the usual no apparent reason. And there was the usual same old, same old duplication across multiple channels; but not for the NFL, of course.
   The Jets ended up 14-0 down after the first quarter. They showed a bit of life in Q2 but personal fouled themselves to a FG. It was 24-3 at half time, and it could have been 31-3 if a Colts receiver hadn't fumbled the ball into the end zone for a touch-back right at the end.
   The Colts went 34-3 ahead in Q3, and finished the quarter with a pick to set up another TD in Q4 for 41-3. The Jets managed a huge pass play for a TD in the 14th minute of Q4, and 41-10 was how it finished.

[Wednesday, 07th] Fire Down Below (1997) A BG is dumping toxic waste and poisoning the water table out in the boonies. Our hero, Taggart the federal agent, strolls into town as a humble repair man to investigate and beat up stroppy locals. The local reverend stands up for him when the dirty cop sheriff tries to bust him. The rev. is the one blowing the whistle on the dumping and he isn't happy about the lack of federal action.
   The sheriff has another go and Taggart reveals that he's a Fed, which trumps his authority. The BG has been paid $16M to get rid of a load of cyanide. An assassination attempt on Taggart doesn't work, natch. The church is burnt down.
   Some minor BGs get toxic wasted where it's being stored. Surprise! Taggart's boss is dirty too. A court lets the HBG off with a $50K fine. So Taggart busts his boss. Then he gets to plug the HBG a bit and bust him, too.

[Thursday, 08th] Raw [17:00, SS 5] Rollins and Fat Kev ranted. Big Show, who's been away like forever, bashed Rollins a bit then flattened Fat Kev before walking out. Backstage chat then Sammy Zain sorted out Fat Kev. More backstage stuff. Reigns bounced Jericho about a bit. Fat Kev joined in to make sure Jericho didn't become your champ.
   Rusev ducked out of a match with Big Kaz, who's 7 feet tall. Cesaro & Shameless tangled with Anderson & Gallows. The old fool Flair and his pushy daughter wasted some time and Slasher got some ritual humiliation.
Crossing Lines [21:00, alibi] A man attacked while making a video call to his wife? He ended up going out of a hotel window and landing on a police car in Zagreb. He was involved in a dam project worth €1 billion to a German contractor. The global warming swindle and wildlife protesters were also involved. There was another murder dressed up as suicide in Munich; a geologist.
   The cops went after a protester, who was in Munich. Dead a couple of days ago. There was only one suspect for the murders; he had a highly distinctive motorbike, so he was raked in without effort. As added complications, there was a blackmailing rent boy in the picture and Agent Arabella's partner sort of ditched her.
   The depressed guy in Zagreb was being blackmailed and a genuine suicide, but the lady boss of the squad chose to let him seem to be a murder so the widow could collect his insurance.

[Friday, 09th] TNF replay: the Raiders @ the Chiefs [VM/SS oD] Carr's pinkie was still dinged up. The Raiders began 3 & out but mugged the return man when they punted at the KC 38. KC lost a challenge on a pass reception/fumble recovery; it was ruled an incomplete pass. FG, 3-0.
   KC started Q2 in FG range but Smith fired a TD pass to Hill. 3-7 after 9 seconds. West went in on the ground for KC in the 7th minute, 3-14. Hill returned a punt 78 yards for a TD in the 9th minute! 3-21. Murray barged in for a TD for the Raiders in the last few seconds of the half. 10-21.
   Smith was picked in the first minute of Q3, and the Raiders managed a FG. 13-21. And then it was all defence. When the Raiders went out on downs after the 2MW in Q4, their defeat was sealed.
Jaws 3 (1983) [21:00, ITV 4] "Welcome to Sea World", which is about to open at a cost of over $34 million. That can't be a shark sneaking into the lagoon? Chomp! Same fate for a couple of kids engaged in minor criminality. The staff, which includes serious marine biologists, discover the shark at 50 minutes in to the TV version. The management wants to kill it on camera as a publicity stunt. The lady head biologist wants to catch and keep the great white because no one else has one. That's not exactly easy.
   Lots of fun & games and spectacular shows when Sea World opens. The shark croaks despite being walked. The body from the first attack is found; killed by the dead shark's mom, is the verdict! She's inside the park! Panic! There's a gang of visitors trapped in an underwater area of the park and the shark barrier is useless. Frantic attempts at repair going on. Chomp! The visitors are being flooded. But Kaboom! Bits of shark everywhere and the world is safe again. Until the next sequel.

[Saturday, 10th] The Shadow (1994) [17;40, Syfy] could also have been titled The Saddo. A Western opium dealer is forcibly re-educated in Tibet and sent back to 1930s New York as an insane, cackling vigilante. The next thing you know, Ghengis Khan leaps out of his coffin at a museum and decides that the best way to dominate the world is to blow up NY with an atom bomb.
   Which is the nuttier? The mad Mongol or the brainwashed vigilante? It's not easy to tell. And what effect will the girl whose mind the Shadow can't cloud have? Especially if the mad Mongol can?
   Surprise! The girl rescues the Shadow from certain death, her colour-blind father, who built the bomb, disarms it by mistake and the mad Mongol ends up in a looney bin minus his powers after a frontal lobotomy.

[Sunday, 11th] NFL Sunday: the Broncos @ the Titans [18:03, SS 2] The Broncos were sacked 3 & out. A good drive by the Titans, Mariota dropped a snap but still got the ball to Walker, who was done out of a TD by the zebras. So the TT took 3 more goes to get Murray into the end zone at the half-way mark. 0-7. Denver promptly coughed up the ball and the Titans went further ahead with a FG. 0-10.
   The TT were sacked out of FG range to a punt in the 13th minute of Q2; big punch-up. The Broncos got away with PI to thwart a TT touchdown; nothing from the zebras for end zone PI, FG, 0-13.
   Lots of defence in Q3. The Broncos lined up for a 4th & 2 punt in the 11th minute but the punter threw an excellent pass for a 1st down! Siemian was sacked at the TT 20, and Q4 started with Denver blowing up on 4th & goal. The DB were back at the TT 3 with 10 minutes to go and this time, it was a TD for Sanders. 7-13. The Titans racked up their second ever forced fumble and recovery with 53 seconds left, with Denver approaching FG range, and that sealed a win for the Titans.
Next, the Seattle Seaweeds in Green Bay. Rodgers to Adams, 66 yards for a TD, 0-7. The Weeds were held to a FG in reply. 3-7. A 17 yard run by Montgomery, a 51 yard FG try by GB . . . missed. More crap from the zebras in the Weeds' favour in Q2 then a pick by Burnett gave the ball back to GB. Montgomery was shoved into the end zone for 3-14. A TD for Nelson made it 3-21. The zebras ignored PI by the Weeds and made the Pack punt. But a pick by Randall in the last few seconds stalled the Weeds.
   Rollins picked Wilson in the GB end zone after 4 minutes of Q3. Yet another pick by Randall in the 8th minute. This time, the Pack went on to a TD for Nelson. 3-28. Another sack on Wilson.
   Rodgers was struggling to move. Wilson was sacked again in Q4. Rodgers was replaced by Hundley and the Pack kicked a FG. 3-31. McEvoy got a TD back for the Weeds in the 7th minute, 10-31. An on-side kick didn't work. GB went out on downs with 6 minutes left but Hyde intercepted Wilson's first play. The first play for GB was an end around for a TD by Janis. 10-38. Another fumble recovery by GB as the match played out to their win.

[Monday, 12th] NFL replay: the Cowboys @ the Giants [12:00, SS Mix] What's that? Fog? Fireworks? Bucketing rain? Snow? It was all very misty at the start. The Giants punted. The Cowboys made 4th & inches, on to a TD for a wide open Williams. 7-0. The Giants coughed up the ball in the last minute of the quarter, got it back via a pick in Q2 but Manning lost the ball when sacked. A 55 yard FG try for Dallas with 2 seconds left hit the crossbar for nul points.
   The Giants had to make a 4th down in the DC half in Q3, on to a FG, 7-3. Prescott was picked going for 3rd & 15, TD for Beckham, 7-10 after 14 minutes. Lots of defence in Q4. The Cowboys picked Manning again with a few minutes left but they fumbled the ball away and the Giants held on for a much needed win.
The Librarians and the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy [20;00, Syfy] "How did we get here and where's Cassandra?" They were having pizza in Vegas and the Grim Reaper was after the Guardian. Jenkins came up with the prophecy angle. The Guardian did the Prophecy Cube and saw herself being done in inside the Library. So she left it.
   Off to a school with impossible grades and good luck, and swimming goggles showing the future! Cassy came up with an idea for defusing the prophecy. Surprise! The school cleaning lady was the Oracle of Delphi. She was trying to avoid being killed by getting Colonel Eve killed. But Eve cheated.
FX: Murder By Illusion (1986) [21:00, Movie Mix] Film special effects guy Rollie Tyler is recruited by the Justice Dept. to "kill" a mobster, de Franco, who is about to testify. But he turns out to be working for bad apples, who try to kill him after the "hit". Tyler's actress girlfriend is murdered by an ex-serviceman and cop, who's a JD irregular.
   The murder attracts the attention of Lt. Leo, who's at odd with his bosses and always in hot water. He objects to being booted off the case. The dirty JD agents decide to run of it and Lt. Leo finds out that de Franco, and old enemy, is still alive.
   Tyler unimpounds his special effects truck and goes after the BGs, who are holed up at the home of Colonel Mason, the head dirty JD guy. Tyler wipes out the gang one by one, de Franco's pacemaker gets fried a bit and Tyler gets Mason shot to bits by the local cops. Then he and Lt. Leo hop off to Geneva to collect the $15M which de Franco stole from the Mob and stashed there.

[Tuesday, 13th] MNF Replay: the Ravens in NE [13:00, SS 2] The Ravens were pinned at their 1 after a NE punt. Safety in the 4th minute, 0-2. The Ravens had a FG try after 9 minutes but one of the commentators started saying he'd never seen Tucker fail to deliver. So one of the Patriots leapt over the Ravens' center to block the kick. NE got close and charged into the BR end zone in the 14th minute. 0-9.
   Another NE TD in the 6th minute of Q2. 0-16. The BR drive that followed was stopped by a pick, but Brady was picked off in the BR end zone. Tucker managed a 50 yard FG, 3-16.
   Another NE TD 7 minutes into Q3, 3-23. NE botched a punt reception and left the Ravens at their 3, TD, 10-23. A blown coverage by NE, another TD for the Ravens, 17-23.
   The Patriots scored another TD after 8 minutes of Q4, 20-30 (we didn't see the BR FG). The Ravens managed another FG. 23-30 with a couple of minutes left for the Patriots to consume. The curse of the commentator: we were assured before the match that the Ravens had the Patriots' number.
Elementary series 5/01 [21:00, Living] A bloke was blown up by a football in a park whilst Holmes was chatting to a killer at the edge of a roof, waiting for Watson to taser the guy. The park bomb was the work of a serial killer, who was back after 6 years. A guy who did a runner from the park was raked in with SH's help. He was sure this Nathan was the serial killer.
   One of Watson's old customers knew something about the bomber. Nate had been in gaol for arson and vehiclular manslaughter. Talk to Clay, his ex-cellmate, Watson was told. Bang! Two more bodies but the bomb wasn't planted by Nate. Two bombers said SH. Clay claimed to be the bomber but SH knew he was working for Nate.
The Numbers Station (2013) Two secret agents decode a numerical broadcast. Kent kills everyone in a bar; it's a CIA wet job. Kent gets wobbly over killing a girl at the next stop. He's sent to a numbers station, which broadcasts coded orders to people like him, as Katherine's bodyguard. They're attacked right away and their station is a shambles.
   When Kent phones for help, he's told the code has been broken and he has to kill his asset. But he repairs her injuries instead. There were 15 unauthorized broadcasts made from the station and CCTV recordings show the place invaded by BGs. Kent realizes he's no longer talking to his CIA controller; his communications have been hijacked, 15 top CIA bosses are now targets and the BGs burnt the cancel code.
   Kent leaves the station to go after the BGs before they can break in, leaving Katherine in a safe room. But she gets the unlock code from an internal email and starts sending out cancel messages. Our hero meets and beats the enemy outside and kills an assassin who got inside and put a bullet in Katherine.
   Kent tells his boss he's retired the asset and puts bombs everywhere. The bloody car won't start but he meets a rogue agent (very convenient) on the other side, kills him, gets shot, drives the dead guy's car into town and crashes. Kent wakes up in a hospital. Katherine is still alive. He tells the boss he was one of the 15 whose lives Katherine saved, and shames him into making them look like 2 more casualties in the blown-up numbers station.

[Wednesday, 14th] Murphy's Law (1986, Charles Bronson) A teenage car thief steals Det. Murphy's car and wrecks it. He catches her but she boots him in the groin and escapes. Then he gets a death threat from a woman who says she's going to put him through Hell. Murphy is a mess, whose wife left him and now works in a cheap strip joint.
   Murphy busts Arabella, the car thief. Then the Hell lady slugs him, shoots the ex with Murphy's gun and he ends up in the lock-up with Det. Ed trying to railroad him. Murphy escapes handcuffed to Arabella and strolls off in a police chopper. Which promptly runs out of fuel.
   Murphy crashes onto a dope farm's barn. He does some shooting with the good ol' boys whose barn he trashed, and steals their truck. The fugitives head for the home of Murphy's old partner, who's retired. The Hell lady gets him. Murphy goes after Vincenzo, the mobster. He didn't have the ex-wife killed and he puts 10 grand on Murphy's head after being humiliated.
   The Hell lady kills her parole officer. Murphy discovers she's killing everyone who put her in gaol; his partner, the judge, the prosecutor, etc. Det. Ed tries to feed Murphy to his pal Vincenzo but the psycho bitch gets him. And Vincenzo and the Hell lady are no match for Murphy at close quarters.

[Thursday, 15th] Crossing Lines [21:00, Alibi] A Polish football team is blown up a bit. Terrorism by right-wingers objecting to black players from Africa? The owner blames the Ultras, which are led by the manager he fired. The manager says that's garbage. Agent Arabella's motor caravan is attack by Ultras? The team spots a banned thug on CCTV at the match. The guy is a tattooless misdirection.
   The British government is involved? Another herring. The real crime is the team boss doing match fixing. The guy who used to have a gambling habit is sent to bug the casino where the match fixing goes on. And the boss is busted.

[Friday, 16th] TNF replay: the Rams in Seattle [13:00, SS 2] where the Squawks were wearing hi-viz fluorescent green outfits. The first quarter was scoreless. A bogus holding penalty helped the Squawks to a TD in Q2. The Squawks added a FG and the Rams kicked one in the last minute of the half. 3-10.
   The Rams were done out of a pick in their end zone in Q3 and the Squawks went on to a TD. And another to start Q4, which made the final score 3-24. Not much of a show by the Rams on offense.
The Avengers In Colour! [The Superlative Seven, 20:00, True Entertainment] The Avengers were investigating a bunch of death athletes when Steed went off on a jolly on a plane. Each of the 7 experts in one field or another had a different host's name on the invitation and the plane was being flown by remote control to an island somewhere.
   There were 6 coffins in the castle on the island; one of the group was an expert in a new form of unarmed combat, which the creator was trying to sell, and that person was going to kill the rest. Natch, Steed became the prime suspect. Mrs. Peel dropped in for the last 10 minutes and saw off . . . the other of identical twin killers. It was a fraud and the perpetrator and his customer shot each other.
The Dave Clark Five and Beyond: Glad All Over [21:00, BBC 4] is a 2-hour journey through the career of the band until it expired in 1970, and Dave Clark's career after that. It's proof that Dave Clark is a jolly fine fellow compiled by . . . Dave Clark.
Dusty at the BBC [22:55, BBC 4] is an hour-long compilation from Dusty Springfield's career across 3½ decades from when she was the girl in the middle of the Springfields to a megastar with her own TV shows. It's a bit of a mish-mash at the start.

[Saturday, 17th] Space Cowboys (2000, Clint Eastwood) [18:27, Channel 5] In 1958, a lunatic pilot broke a $4M X2 and the US government cancelled the Air Force's Project Daedalus; a team training for a Moon-shot; in favour of NASA's ape astronauts. In the present day, a Russian communication satellite was coming out of orbit and its obsolete guidance system; a stolen Skylab system; needed repair. NASA was ordered to help.
   Dr Frank Corman (Clint), the designer, was able to blackmail his old enemy Bob into putting the Daedalus team on the mission if they could pass the physical tests. So Frank, Hawk, Tank and Jerry cheated nobly while Frank (aged 69) remained convinced that Bob was trying to screw him.
   Hawk had inoperable cancer, so was that him off the mission? No, the old guys were heroes, the mission was leaked to the press and NASA was getting more cash, so Hawk made it into space. Surprise! The "communication satellite" was a Soviet nuclear platform, so stopping it from re-entering was vital, and the Russian general said Frank's guidance system was stolen from good old Bob by the KGB.
   Frank got to make an EVA. The satellite had a defence system, which threatened the shuttle. Frank's back-up, the traitor on the crew, went solo, got himself killed and nearly wrecked the shuttle with shrouds thrown off by the missile platform. Hawk piloted the platform on a one-way trip to the Moon so that he could fire the missiles into space and half-blind Tank and Frank had to land the wreck of the shuttle.
Jonathan Creep 2001 Special [Satan's Chimney, 21:00, Watch] There was a bunch of crazies in a castle in Tudor times then some old bat making a porno film? Mr. Creep was still struggling with the appalling Adam and an air-head actress. A Kenny showed up to inflict himself on Adam, playing the old mate card. There was a murder at the movie: Vivian had been shot thorough the heart in an empty room.
   Mr. Creep went to investigate and got the appalling Carla, an agent, as his sidekick. She was into sneakiness and blackmail. The appalling Alan was found dead in a stream. Carla had to be lesbianized whilst Mr. Creep did some hacking. Did Alan kill Vivian because he was a religious nutter and she'd had an abortion?
   The dozy copper got Alan's death totally wrong. Mr. Creep worked out how the execution device in an underground room of the castle worked; and nearly got the appalling sidekick written off. Doing Alan in was justifiable homicide. The appalling Carla had to evict an equally appalling admirer, who burgled her flat. There's more mystery to solve, Mr. Creep decided (with half an hour left to fill). Like the bullet through the window trick.
   Creep & Carla burgled Tom, who had a Vivian shrine. He was the child who was adopted instead of aborted and now a matricide. A zip gun in an axe was the murder weapon, and his father, the evil Alan, put him up to it.

[Sunday, 18th] NFL Sunday: the Lions @ the Giants [18:03, SS 2] The zebras missed a 'pass' which Beckham picked off the ground in the Giants' opening drive, and that helped them to a TD. The Lions replied with a FG. 3-7.
   67 yards to Tate in the 4th minute of Q2 got the Lions to the NJG 11, but they fumbled the ball into the end zone. The Giants had a TD called back for a penalty, FG, 3-10. The Lions blocked a punt by the Giants in the rain with 2 minutes left but nothing came of it.
   The Lions were sacked to a FG; no roughing the passer call for a hit on Stafford's helmet, 6-10. The quarter ended with a sack on Manning. A TD with 6 minutes to go in Q4 put the Giants further ahead at 6-17. They lost a punt return for a TD to a penalty. Stafford was picked in the NJG end zone with 2 minutes to go. The end of a fairly dire match.
Next, the Patriots in Denver [21:25, SS 2] where Brady had a 2-7 losing record. NE had to punt but the return man gave them the ball back, FG, 3-0. Denver replied with a FG after 8 minutes. 8-all. The Pats scored a TD 4 minutes into Q2, 10-3.
   NE kicked a FG in the 10th minute of Q3, and another after 7 minutes of Q4, 16-3. The Denver offense woke up but blew up on a 4th & 2, and a fumble with 14 seconds to go set the seal on a dismal day for the Broncos.

[Monday, 19th] SNF replay: the Buccaneers @ the Cowboys [13:00, SS 5] Dallas were sacked to a 55 yard FG try: short. The Bucs got closer for their kick. 3-0. A FM penalty on Dallas held them to a FG, 3-all. But DC recovered a fumble and Elliot went in for a TD in the 3rd minute of Q2. 3-10.
   A 2 yard, walk-in TD for Prescott made it 3-17. A stoopid penalty on TB put them at 2nd and goal at the DC 28! The got a FG out of it, 6-17.
   A DC defender tipped the ball going toward his end zone and it ended up in the grasp of Humphries in the end zone for a TB TD! 13-17. Another TD after 11 minutes put the Bucs 20-17 ahead.
   The Cowboys got level with a FG in the 3rd minute of Q4, 20-all. A quick pick by Dallas left them close, they had a TD called back for holding, FG, 20-23, 9½ minutes to go. Another DC FG with 3 minutes to go, 20-26. A pick at the 50 yard line sealed a win for Dallas.
We're Doomed! The Dad's Army Story [19:00, BBC 2] is a comedy drama about how the TV series was sold to the BBC back in the 1960s. Perry, failed actor, was pushed into writing but he wanted to play Walker in the series. He gave his script to Croft, a jobbing producer, who wanted to be the co-writer.
   The Beeb decided to have 5 more scripts. Then there was the casting with the waxwork at the head of BBC TV proving a problem. Perry was convinced that he couldn't be one of the cast. Arthur Lowe was a real pain in the neck and the bum. The waxworks hated the show. So did the focus group. So Perry buried their report until after a proper audience had appreciated it.
The Librarians & the Tears of a Clown [20:00, Syfy] An evil magician parked his carnival on private land. Jenkins ignored a warning from Colonel Eve to stay away and managed to rescue his gang of Librarians; Eve had been turned into Zaphod Beeblebrox and Cassie was a mermaid. The carnival was full of zombified killer clowns.
   The gang decided that the artefact wielded by the evil magician had to be new one rather than an ancient one, and returned to the carny in fancy dress. The BG was trying to find Charlotte, his friend from high school (Dr. Holly Martin of Eureka). Jones spirited the artefact away from the BG and tricked him into diving into a huge can of red paint.
Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) [21:00, Film 4] A bloke with a Captain America shield is found entombed in ice. Back in 1943, a Nazi officer wrecked a church a bit to get an artefact, and puny Rogers had to struggle to get a doctor willing to let him enlist in the US army. The Nazi wanted to put the artefact in what looked like a crude naquadah generator.
   British Agent Carter and an American general were in charge of training a new breed of super-soldier. Weedy Rogers proved to be the smartest of the bunch. The German boffin in charge of the project told him about a fanatical Nazi, who had bought Hitler's superman myth. The boffin thought a formerly weak man, who knew compassion, would be a better test subject than a strong bully.
   There was an UNCLE-type setup behind an ordinary shop in Brooklyn. There, Weedy was put in a gadget and turned into Charles Atlas. A spy shot the boffin and escaped with part of the gadget. So Super-Rogers ran him down and wrecked his James Bond mini-sub. Then it was off to save his cousin's unit, which was trapped by Jairmans.
   The Nazi, Schmidt, had turned himself into a superman with a Phantom of the Opera face. Captain Rogers was written off by the Americans but he returned in triumph from saving his cousin and got some bulletproof clothing. Schmidt wanted to blow up the world. But what chance did a Nazi nutter stand against Captain America? The Captain had to crash into the sea instead of onto New York when he returned. And when he woke up, he was in modern New York after being asleep in the ice for 70 years.

[Tuesday, 20th] MNF replay: the Panthers in DC [13:00, SS 2] The CP got a FG from their opening drive. The Redskins got one after 8 minutes, 3-all. Ginn scored a TD after 13 minutes, 10-3. Cousins was picked in the last minute of the quarter. The Panthers were held to a FG in Q2, 13-3. The Skins shoved Kelley into the end zone for a TD in the 12th minute, the PAT missed, 13-9.
   Cousins lost the ball on the first play of Q3, recovered by the CP to the goal line, TD, 20-9. The Panthers kicked a FG in the 10th minute for 23-9. The Skins made a 4th down with a minute to go to the CP 10 and their No. 86 was ejected for throwing a punch.
   The Skins kicked a FG in Q4 to get within 2 scores at 23-12. A FG try by the Panthers in the 10th minute missed. A wrong penalty on the CP helped the WR to a FG in the 12th minute, 23-15. The CP ate clock and kicked a FG, 26-15 with 1:07 left. And when the Skins fumbled the ball away, that was it.
   The Redskins played like Denver on Sunday: their defence was there but not the offence.
Elementary 5/02 [21:00, Living] SH was the prisoner of some scumbag gang-banger; he had a robbery for SH to solve. SH forced him to do a deal to mutual advantage. Watson was doing a similar job for her former client. Rivals for the box SH was looking for contacted Watson with a $50M offer. SH was hit by an injunction when he tried to question an old enemy, Mr. Vax. He resorted to megaphone diplomacy.
   The North Koreans smuggled the box into the US. The original Imperial jade Seal of China was used to bash a guy's head in, SH revealed. Holmes got to tell Vax he knows Vax is nearly bankrupt and he's done a dirty deal with the Chinese to try to stay afloat. More to come.

[Wednesday, 21st] Divergent (2014) [21:00, 5*] In a post-apocalyptic society, there are various factions. Our heroine, Beatrice, is a girl who is about to be tested and assigned. She turns out to be something special. Jumping on and off trains features heavily in the film; it gets Beatrice and fellow recruits to a place where they can prove they're Dauntless.
   The leaders of this gang are charmless bullies; it's a warrior faction, which defends the city. The weakest get killed off. The defenders do rather a lot of pointless pratting about. The government has it in for talented people with a personality. Beatrice has to fake being just one of the herd, but she refuses to get involved in mindless murder.
   Beatrice finds there are others who haven't bought the party line; including her mom, which gets mom killed. Her father is another unbeliever, so he doesn't last long. Beatrice gets some resistance types into the Fortress. She finds her pal, Mick, is now just a zombie controlled by the city's computer, but she brings him out of it.
   Beatrice turns the evil blonde city boss into a zombie by injecting a control chip into her and makes her take down the system. They it's off on a train into the distance.

[Thursday, 22nd] Star Trek TNG [Darmak, 19:00, Syfy] Some episodes of series stick in your memory because of their sheer daftness. Like this one where the aliens rant at one another in allegory. What HAD that script-rotter been smoking! A better title would have been Picard Up The Creek.
Crossing Lines [21:00, Alibi] A lady journalist on the way to see the boss was done in on a train; poisoned. She had an international story and thousands of lives were at stake. Marco harassed the doctor she was having an affair with, so he clammed up. He was cheating patients with cheap drugs, and the journalist's sister was one of the victims. She was just about to expose the racket.
   Surprise! The real story was huge. The doctor thought he was buying cheap generics to sell as branded drugs. In fact, the pills were useless and being produced on an industrial scale by a guy who was using the profits to buy arms for Chechen terrorists! The assassin was popped trying to kill the sister. Cue a chase and the HBG busted.

[Friday, 23rd] TNF replay: the Giants @ the Eagles [13:00, SS Mix] The Eagles opened with a TD for Sproles in the 6th minute, 0-7. Then a pick-6 for Jenkins, 0-14. The Giants were held to a FG, and they kicked another half-way through Q2, 6-14. A 40 yard TD pass put the Eagles 6-21 up after 10 minutes. The Giants scored a TD in the last minute of the half. 13-21.
   A FG for the Giants 7 minutes into Q3 got them to 16-21. Jenkins picked Manning again 3 minutes into Q4. The reason for the lack of Eagles' offense was clarified when Wentz returned to the field after a concussion check. He did a Houdini act, which helped the PE to a FG. 16-24.
   The Giants kicked a FG in the 10th minute for 19-24, and at the end, they were left with just over a minute to score a winning TD. A pick by the Eagles as the Giants were about to run out of time to get off another play settled their hash.
Morcambe & Wise: The Greatest Moment [19:40, Gold] An hour and a half of the career of the nation's favourite comedy duo with clips from their shows and gangs of talking heads. They weren't half excellent!

[Saturday, 24th] NFL Sunday [17:30, SS 1] the Dolphins in Buffalo. Punt, punt then the Dolphins got their running game going, TD for Ajayi, who shed tackles and charged for the end zone. 7-0. The Bills tried a FG in the last minute of the quarter; missed.
   Bang! A misdirection play and a TD for the Fins in the 2nd minute of Q2. 14-0. The Bills went for 4th & 1 after 9 minutes. Short. But they got going finally, Taylor made a 1st down and he fired a TD pass to Watson at the back of the end zone, 38 yards. 14-7. The Bills were sacked to a punt in the 13th minute. The Dolphins were stopped by a pick in the BB end zone.
   3 minutes into Q3, Parker slashed through the spluttering BB defence, 56 yards for a TD. 21-7. The Bills came right back with a 19 yard TD run by McCoy. 21-14. More Swiss cheese D by the Bills, MD TD in the 12th minute. 28-14. Taylor to Watkins, a huge play to the MD 25, TD for Clay, 28-21.
   A FG try by the Dolphins 5 minutes into Q4 hit the upright. Alomst a TD for Buffalo, went for 4th & 1 at the MD 16 and the Dolphins obliged with 12 men on the field! The zebras missed end zone PI by the Dolphins; how obvious can it be? FG, 28-24, 6 minutes to go.
   After a Miami punt, the Bills had 4 minutes to score a TD. A 25 yard gain on a 3rd 7 1, a big strike for Woods from a flea flicker, 4th & goal, TD pass to Clay! 28-31. 1:20 for the Fins to tie or win. A 55 yard FG, a career long for the kicker, made it 31-all. OT.
   The Colts missed a FG in Oakland.
   Neither side could do much in OT in Buffalo, but a run by Ajayi got the Dolphins close with time running out. They did a lot of faffing about before kicking a winning FG. 34-31 final.
Over to Oakland just in time to see a TD for the home team as the first play of Q2. One back for the Colts in the 5th minute. Another TD for the OR after 10 minutes but Janikowski missed the PAT!! 7-13. A pick by Nelson in the OR end zone in the 13th minute prevented the Colts from taking the lead. The Raiders had time to score another TD but Janikowski missed another PAT!! 7-19.
   The Raiders scored a TD 5 minutes into Q3, and Janiknowski didn't miss with the PAT!! 17-26. The Colts were forced to cough up the ball, another 22 yard TD run by Washington, 17-33. Blunders by the OR helped the Colts to a TD in the 10th minute. 14-33.
   Carr went off injured in the 5th minute of Q4, and it looked bad. The Colts scored a TD +2 points, 22-33. They kicked a FG with under 3 minutes to go, 25-33, and the Raiders held on to win. But they've lost their star QB; it's a broken fibula.

[Sunday, 25th] SNF hilites: The Bengals in Houston [15:00, SS 1] Lots of D to start. Lots. The Bengals got into scoring range right at the end of the first half, FG, 3-0. In Q3, Houston were stopped at '& goal', FG after 6 minutes, 3-all.
   A TX drive got to 1st & goal in the 1st minute of Q4, just a FG, 3-6. LaFell took a pass 86 yards and outran the TX defence for a TD in the 5th minute, 10-6. The Texans blasted back with a TD but the PAT was blocked. 10-12. The Bengals were left with 2 minutes to get into FG range. A 43 yard kick was wide right.
   The Texans win their division and they're in the playoffs.
NFL Sunday [20:30, SS1] The Ravens at the Steelers for their divisional title if the Steelers win. Thursday Night Special? Don't those Yanks know what day it is? The Sky crew had been given a day off, so no chance of correcting them.
   The Ravens punted. Lots of Bell and a TD pass to Grimble, 0-7. Bad tackling gave a big gain to Smith, +15 yards for a late hit, to the PS 22. No further, FG, 3-7. A very dodgy penalty gave the next BR drive +15 to the PS 17, sack back to the 27, botched snap on a FG try, Pittsburgh ball a minute into Q2. Lots of D. The Ravens got into FG range at the end of the half and that's all they got. 6-7.
   The Ravens started Q3 by intercepting a bad pass by R'berger, TD for Smith 1½ minutes in, +2 to Smith, 14-7. Both teams kicked a FG for 17-10. The Ravens picked R'berger again in the last minute of the quarter, and got a FG out of it. 20-10.
   A TD for Bell 4 minutes into Q4 got the Steelers to 20-17. Bell for another Td after 8 minutes, 20-24. The Ravens hit the PS end zone with 1:18 left, 27-24. The Steelers were at the BR 19 with 41 seconds to go, at the 4 with 14 seconds to go, TD for Brown, who had to reach the ball across the goal line because he was caught up in a crowd, 27-31.
   9 seconds left, which was one play by the Ravens then a pick by the Steelers to finish things off.

[Monday, 26th] SNF hilites: the Broncos in wet Kansas City [12:00, SS4] Good start for the Chiefs, a TD after 4 minutes, Smith with a scamper for the pylon, 0-7. Wow! a 70 yard sprint for a TD by Hill, great blocking, 0-14. A pick in the 13th minute put the Broncos at the KC 6, TD, 7-14. Kelce took a pass 80 yards for a TD in the last minute of the quarter for 7-21.
   KC missed a FG in the 7th minute of Q2. Denver kicked a 52 yarder, 10-21. They lined up for a 53 yarder, but it was a fake, which flopped. Lots of D in the 3rd quarter, and an idiot on the field in the last minute.
   KC kicked a FG in the 4th minute of Q4, 10-24. The Broncos lost the kick off return to the Chiefs, FG, 10-27. A double fumble by Denver ended up in KC hands and their version of the Fridge, Poe, No. 92, lobbed a 2-yard TD pass to the back of the end zone. The PAT missed but 10-33 was enough for a KC win.
The General's Daughter (1999, John T. Revolta) [21:00, Sony] Our hero, a wise-ass military cop, is a target for assassination a quarter of an hour in. The perp is a guy our CID pal was planning to bust the next morning. A general's daughter is raped, murdered and staked out. Our hero met her at the start of the film, when she helped him to change a tyre. He met her father when he was in Vietnam.
   The cop and his lady sidekick find some sex-tapes, which are stolen when he's clobbered. Our hero makes a stoopid bust whilst his partner is being bashed. The general's daughter was banging everyone in sight to get back at her dad. The cop grots all over an attempt to close the case prematurely.
   The dead girl's shrink is bamboozled into talking about how the dead woman was raped by a gang of other cadets on a night exercise. Her father led a cover-up for the sake of the good name of West Point, and he made her pretend that her ordeal had never happened.
   The cop gave the general a list of the rapists. Then he and his partner tried to bust the sorry son-of-a-bitch who killed the daughter, but he blew himself to bitz. So the cop kissed his career goodbye and busted the general for conspiracy to conceal a crime. Which put the mockers on the general's plans for a career in politics.

[Tuesday, 27th] MNF replay: the Lions in Dallas [16:30, SS4] The Cowboys spent 5 minutes going to a TD for Butler. The Lions did the same, 7-all. Just a couple of minutes for the next DC TD; Elliott against a blitz, 7-14.
   The Lions went for 4th &1 & goal in Q2. Were they stopped? No, a TD, 14-all. They went ahead with a TD in the 8th minute, and Bryant took an equalizing TD pass in the 14th minute, 21-all at the half.
   The Lions were sacked then picked 3 minutes into Q3; on to a TD for Elliott, 21-28. Another stoopid call by the zebras against Detroit then Bryant tossed a TD pass to Witten! 21-35.
   Bryant caught a TD pass from Prescott 3 minutes into Q4, 21-42. Stafford was mugged for the ball with the Lions close to scoring range with 4:11 to go. No more scoring.
The Librarians and the Trial of the Triangle [20:00, Syfy] Colonel Eve had Flynn chained to a chair as a liability and the gang read their complaint lists. Flynn told them the world is coming to an end in weeks and he's been looking for the Eye of Ra. It could be with the Petrie Collection, which disappeared on a ship in the Bermuda Triangle, which is a wormhole into which stuff goes in only.
   Stone reckoned there was a pattern to the disappearances, so off to Venezuela and a trip on a plane with disappearing passengers and crew and a gun-waving DOSA agent. The rest were evacuated to the Library whilst Flynn ended up in Alice in Wonderland, where he played silly chess to get the Eye of Ra and learnt that his was on a suicide mission. And the DOSA agent was returned to base thinking he was a chicken.
Elementary [21:00, Living] SH meets Kate, Captain Gregson's girlfriend, who wants to use him to investigate medical malpractice. She has something terrible and no medical insurance herself. A naked stalker is shot? No, he's a nudist who took pictures of a kidnapped woman. Her husband got ransom calls and he won't co-operate with the cops. SH wondered if Mr. Stone thought it would be cheaper for the kidnapper to kill his wife than get divorced.
   There was a 30-year-old piece of blackmail film showing a mobster committing murder; only it was CGI using a brilliant program created by Stone's partner, who wouldn't get much cash thanks to his employment contract. The partner was SH's next suspect.
   The wife escaped with a tale about being abducted by 2 foreigners, who demanded $3M. SH decided that the wife and the partner were in it together and the wife was allowed to roll over on the partner, who killed the nudist. At the end, SH persuaded the captain to elope with his GF to fix her health insurance problem.

[Wednesday, 28th] Live Once Die Twice (2006) [19:15 Movie Mix] Evan, Nicole's husband, and George are killed by an exploding boat on a fishing trip. A bomb, the FBI says. Evan & George & Dugan were dealing in stolen platinum. Dugan tells Nicole she needs to find the money and disappear. Then he gets dead and Nicole is kidnapped by a Russian twat and told she has a week to cough up the cash or her family gets it.
   Nicole gets a pal to lay a fake trail for the FBI whilst she goes to Detroit to follow up a clue left by Evan. The guy she was looking for died in a fire, the widow tells her. Surprise! Zoe is also married to Evan. She knows Mac, a bounty hunter, who takes them to Montreal. The Feds head there, too.
   When Nicole catches up with Evan, he claims he's deep undercover, working for the State Department in a massive sting operation. He loses Mac and Zoe, gets his hands on $25M and heads for a marina. Evan bamboozles both women and takes them on a boat ride.
   Mac turns up shooting, he's killed and Zoe is shot in the back. Evan gets a spear through the chest. The lady Fed brings flowers to Zoe in the hospital. And the Russian scumbag drops in on Nicole to say hi and 'bye.

[Thursday, 29th] The Shadows: The Final Tour [21:00, Sky Arts] is 3 hours (including the ads) of these old blokes at the Cardiff Indoor Arena in 2004 playing music from their glory days. And they're still v.g.

[Friday, 30th] Crossing Lines series 3 12/12 [20:00, Alibi] There's a Russian hitman-woman with a young daughter. The ICC is faced with protecting a whole gang of the world's most un-luvvie politicians, so Agent Marco skives off on the trail of his missing sister. There's already a body in Berlin to get the gang going. They identify the main target, who refuses to be silenced by the lefty establishment.
   The killer hits one of the target's people under the noses of the ICC mob. She's ID'd. She's allowed to swan about backstage at the rally with a printed plastic gun and a do-it-yourself rifle conversion kit. Agent Arabella makes a bog of busting her and she just swans off; until Marco unskives to pop her.
Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia (2009, Ken Kennedy) [21:00, Movie Mix] An officer's family is murdered by a terrorist bomb in Bogota. Surveillance finds a huge stash of cocaine in the jungle and a US Special Forces team is sent in without telling the leaky locals. But they find the Colombian army making a peace deal with the FARC terrorists. Then another gang steams in to shoot the meeting to bitz.
   Two survivors of the US unit get away having left a wounded man behind. The Colombians try to blame everything on US insurgents. Their boss orders an evac for the 2 survivors still at liberty but the CIA puts the kybosh on it. The prisoner breaks out as his mates are breaking in to rescue him from a fanatic: his family was killed by the Bogata bomb.
   The Yanks contact an army survivor from the massacre, who's in hospital. The CIA is fitting up the US soldiers as stooges of a drug cartel. The troops on the ground go after proof that Colombians are behind all the bombings and trouble. The CIA tries to shut down their support at home.
   The fanatic loses a knife fight with an American hero. The survivor from hospital turns up; the fanatic is working for him and the survivor was behind the Bogata bomb, so he gets dead. Then the truth breaks out and the Americans become heroes again.

[Saturday, 31st] Knowing (2009, Nicolas Cage) A new school buries a time capsule, which is opened 50 years later. The genius son of a college professor gets Lucinda's string of number-codes. His father gets pissed and realizes that they are dates and places of every global disaster over the last 50 years; plus another three.
   The professor realizes he's going to be at the scene of one of them, and an airliner crashes in a field right next to his car! He tracks down Diana, Lucinda's daughter, who doesn't want to know about trying to avert the next catastrophe. Prof. John tries to warn the authorities but no one will listen. Natch.
   He thinks he's going to prevent a New York subway train from crashing but a runaway train smashes into it spectacularly. The prof. realizes that the third catastrophe is a Big One; a CME which will give life on the Earth no chance of survival. Caleb, his son, gets the number bug.
   The prof. catches up with Diana again. She thinks he's crazy and drives off with Caleb and her daughter, only to have her car stolen by a weird alien. She steals a car to chase them and gets wiped out by a big truck. When the prof. catches up with the kids, they have each been issued with a rabbit and the aliens are putting them on a spaceship.
   The kids and the rabbits are dumped on a new planet. The rabbits will probably survive if they aren't too domesticated. But the kids, without adults, have no chance.

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