December 2015

[Tuesday, 01st] Lie To Me [20:00, Alibi] It was a case of arson with a witness credibility issue: he's a little kid. He did see Mr. Garcia. There are crap rappers involved. Dr. Cal accused the kid's mother of having an affair with Garcia. He got shouty with his duplicitous ex-wife. The kid's mom was accused of burning down her own house.
   The husband had no idea about the affair. A child arsonist was exposed! There was another fire. The office juniors exposed homophilia and disgust in the ranks of the rude and crap rappers.
Battle Creek [22:00, Universal] Det. White spotted an FBI suspect but a train got in the way. The Feds were sure the guy was dead; they'd found a body and they had DNA evidence. Russ decided he and White would catch the guy to rub Milt's nose in it.
   Russ proved that the suicide was a fake. The treacherous pathologist tipped off Milt. A stake out flopped embarrassingly. Det. White spotted the BG's car. It was a trap. Kaboom! Missed; apart from the chuck of glass stuck in White's head, which the doctor thought would kill him. Russ read her the Riot Act when she started asking White's wife about organ donation.
   Russ cracked the case and hauled in a crooked Detroit cop, who thought the bad guy was some kind of modern Robin Hood. The BG, who'd killed to fake his suicide, and tried to kill 3 cops, was busted at his boat with a bagful of loot; by the FBI.

[Wednesday, 02nd] U, Me and the A-Poke-A-Chips [21:00, Sky One] Everyone who matters was on the way to the bunker under Slough. The poor young nun had gone bonkers. Jamie got out of the bank vault. Frankie, the God-child, told the nun she was pregnant. The plane from America crashed in a field of sheep. Rhonda hijacked a truck to get them to the bunker.
   Layla crashed the car to get away when she realized she was with Ariel, not Jamie, and joined Jamie's group. The bridge on the way to the bunker had gone but the Thames mysteriously parted to allow the gang to wade through the mud.
   Grandma's boffin decided there were too many people in the bunker for the food supply. And it was Ariel in the bunker, not Jamie, who was trapped outside after Rhonda's dying husband closed the outer door with the hijacked truck.
Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries [22:00, Alibi+1] Murder at the Grand Hotel; one of Miss Fisher's bags was found beside the body. It's one her father stole along with a Mauser pistol. And he was at the hotel, instead of on a boat to England, and the £10,000 which he should have sent to his wife was in the bag.
   There was a bogus phone engineer hanging around the hotel. Dad owed money to a seedy Pole. Miss F spotted how the gambling had been rigged. She got the Pole into a poker game and cleaned him out. The maid who was friendly with Dad was done in by the phone guy, who invaded Aunt Pru's place.
   Inspector Jack bashed his brains in. Miss F. remembered that Dad swindled the guy back in 1916. And Dad was sent home in disgrace.

[Thursday, 03rd] Elemenatry [21:00, Living] SH's dad pulled strings to get the police consultants reinstated. Mass murder by a burglar; a Wagner and a guy disguised to look like him. SH had to do a job for his dad to get him to leave New York. SH flushed a guy who claimed a company was trying to kill him. He'd stolen their software and he was using it to find doppelgangers for people; proving that the facial recognition software was flawed.
   A company guy said they'd stolen Dorian's stolen code to fix theirs. Another Wagner lookalike surfaced. Wagner was involved in an 11-year-old murder. A cop's brother, and he killed Wagner and the lookalike. But Wagner was just an accessory. It was the boss of the software company who had committed the murder. After the job was done, SH's dad was staying in NY to "parent" him!

[Friday, 04th] TNF replay: the Packers in Detroit [15:00, Sky Sports 2] GB did nothing in the first quarter. The Lions kicked a FG after their first drive and scored a TD with a couple of minutes left. And another after intercepting Rodgers. 0-17. Nothing much in Q2, apart from a GB FG try hitting the upright.
   A FG in Q3 put the Lions 0-20 up. The Pack reached the DL red zone. Starks fumbled the ball into the DL end zone but Cobb fell on it for the first GB score. 7-20. The Pack got the ball back from a sack/forced fumble by Peppers at the DL 12. TD for Adams, 14-20.
   The Lions kicked a FG with 7 minutes left of Q4. 14-23. Rodgers ran in a TD with 3:04 left. 21-23. The Pack ran out of time? No, a facemask call on the Lions at 0:00 on the game clock gave the Packers 15 yards and one more shot. Rodgers scrambled out of the pocket and he was able to take a run before hurling the ball to the DL end zone. Where Rogers came down with it!!! 27-23. The Ravens at the Browns revisited!

[Saturday, 05th] The Rocketeer (1991) [16:45, Film4] A hotshot pilot in the 1930s gets shot up by bad guys being chased by cops and crashes. The BGs hide a stolen rocket pack in his hangar, from which he and his buddy are about to be evicted. The Feds think the gismo blew up with the BGs' car when it hit a gas truck. Howard Hughes burns the plans and refuses to build another gizmo.
   Clff finds the gizmo. An English movie star is paying a gang to steal it. Cliff's girlfriend is a bit player in Neville Sinclair's film. Cliff drops a flat on a take and gets her fired. Sinclair overhears Cliff telling Jenny about the rocket and promotes Jenny to Saxon princess. Malcolm the mechanic takes Cliff's place when he's late for an air show, gets into trouble and Cliff has to use the rocket to save him.
   The Feds shoot Cliff's house to bitz. Then the gangsters get on his case. More Rocketman to go after Jenny, who's too dim to escape from the BGs when given fair warning. But she's not too dim to bash Neville and find his secret room. He's a Nazi spy!!
   The Feds nab Cliff. He escapes to swap the jet pack for Jenny. The Feds crash the party. Big shoot out and Sinclair gets Jenny aboard a Zeppelin. She sets fire to it. Nev the Nazi flies off with the jet pack but it explodes onto the Hollywood sign. Howard Hughs' gyrocopter saves Jenny & Cliff and Hughes gives Cliff a new racing plane.

[Sunday, 06th] NFL Sunday [17:30, Sky Sports 2] The Seaweeds at the Vikings. The SH fumbled away their opening drive but the MV had to challenge to get the ball. The MV went 3 & out on a sack. Bad tackling by the Viks helped the SH to a TD with 3:30 left in Q1. 7-0. Rank bad reffing in Q2 helped the SH to another TD with 2 minutes left. A pick by the SH gave them another TD. 21-0 and game over.
   Another SH TD 3 minutes into Q3. 28-0. The reffing got even worse. Another SH TD after 14 minutes. The kick off was returned 101 yards for a MV TD. 35-7. The SH kicked a FG with 8 minutes of Q4 left. 38-7 final.
The Bears blew it against the 49ers with a missed FG.
The Panthers in New Orleans A TD for NO after 6 minutes. A pick by the Saints went to a missed FG try. But they recovered a fumble for a TD. 0-14. One back for the Panthers at the start of Q2. 7-14. A sack for the Saints as the CP were looking threatening then a catch/fumble recovered by NO at their 23. Ingram fumbled the ball away on the next play but the Saints kept it. But had to punt.
   The Panthers were back in the NO red zone at the 2MW, on to a TD but the PAT was blocked and returned by the Saints for 2 points. First time this has ever happened! 13-16.
   More bad officiating in Q3. Newton was battered away from the NO goal line just when he thought he'd stroll in. But a TD 3 plays later. 20-16. The Panthers were looking unstoppable. TD after 10 minutes. 27-16. But a 54-yard long bomb to Cooks scored a TD and the Saints added 2 points. 27-24. Two drops of certain TD passed; CP punted.
   A TD for Coleman a minute into Q4, NO 27-31 up! Ginn hung on to a pass for a change, TD for CP, 34-31. Brees was picked right away. A TD for Ingram on the next NO drive put them 34-38 ahead. Ginn dropped another. The officials missed 12 CPs in the huddle for the 3rd time. The CP reached the NO red zone inside the 2MW. TE for Cotchery. 41-38, 1 minute left. Not enough for the Saints to get into FG range, the Panthers move to 12-0.

[Monday, 07th] SNF replay: The Colts @ the Steelers [13:00, Sky Sports 3] The Steelers fumbled away the opening kick off but Hasselbeck's 3rd play was picked off. The first score came in the 5th minute; a FG for the Colts. The Steelers replied in kind in the 10th minute and again with a couple of minutes left in the quarter. 30-6.
   The first TD was for the Colts in the 7th minute of Q2. 10-6. The Steelers scored a TD with 4 minutes to go and added +2 for 10-14, and another at the end of the half. 10-21.
   Bryant hung on to a pass to score a TD for the PS in Q3. 10-28. The Steelers missed a FG try after 9 minutes. R'berger hurled a pass to Brown to when 48 yards for a TD to close Q3. And he got another in Q4. 10-35.
   The Steelers kicked a FG in the 9th minute of Q4. 10-38. Brown returned a Colts' punt for a TD and was done for objectionable conduct for crashing into the goalpost and using it as a prop. 10-45, gave definitely over but time left for the Steelers to get their 5th sack.
The Sentinel (2006) [21:00, ITV4] Dave, the best presidential bodyguard on the block, gets a new lady assistant straight out of the academy. He puts the dumb local fuzz right on the murder of an agent. Agent Pete, who was passed over for a top job and who had an affair with Dave's wife, is at it with the First Lady. An informant tells Pete there's a hit out on the president and he wants a million bucks for details.
   Dave gets a mole-hunter job. Pete gets some compromising photos of himself and the First Lady. A Secret Service trap in a mall goes tits up. The presidential helicopter is shot down (president not aboard) and Pete is framed for it. He goes looking for his informant, who has lead poisoning.
   Dave shoots Pete a bit but lets him get away. The hit will be in T'ronno, at the G8. Montrose, the mole, is warned by the Head Bad Guy (British, natch) that his family will be killed if he wavers. Dave & Peter are on to him. Pete gets to plug Montrose. And the English guy.

[Tuesday, 08th] NMF replay: The Cowboys @ the Redskins [14:00, Sky Sports 4] All defence in Q1. The Cowboys got moving in the first part of Q2 but ran out of steam. FG. 3-0. Penalties held the Redskins to a FG at the end of the half. 3-all.
   The DC opening drive of Q3 was stopped by a fumble. The WR blwe up at 2nd & 1 then 3rd & 1. FG. 3-6. The Skins stopped Dallas on a 3rd & 1, FG, 6-all. The Skins started Q4 with a FG. 6-9. They recovered a fumble of their kick off but a FG try missed.
   The Cowboys were stopped a yard from the WR goal line. FG. 9-all. The Cowboys had to punt with a couple of minutes left, the WR return man tried to do too much and gave the ball away at his 15. DC on to a TD. 16-9, 1:14 left. The Skins needed just 30 seconds to score a TD. 16-all. Which left the Cowboys with 44 seconds to set up a 54 yard FG, which scored. 19-16 final. Phew!
Lie To Me [20:00, Alibi] Cops chased a suspect onto a roof and shot him when he pulled a gun. The kid survived the fall to the street. Dr. Cal confronted Dr. Foster's cheating husband. Did the kid have a gun. The cops were telling the same story but one was lying, Cal decided.
   The Feds barged in, saying Alky Ida had infiltrated the DC PD and they were looking for sleepers. The liar was an FBI undercover. Cal refused to back off so the Feds created false evidence to frame the kid.
   Cal visited the kid in the hospital. He said he didn't have a gun; he'd ditched it. Cal decided that Officer Duke wasn't a terrorist sleeper and there was a rogue Fed. The government had lied about how the Fed's daughter was killed in Iraq. Dr. Foster knew about her husband and Eli was turned into a no-pay intern for lying about ratting out the swindler (Nov. 17th).
Battle Creek [22:07, Universal] A guy gaoled for 20 years was due for release in 5 days' time. So why did he escape? He hijacked Russ & Milt but hung on to Russ. Russ played his diabetes trick to give the Commander a clue to his whereabouts.
   Milt was able to find Russ. Ford's ex-wife disappeared. Kidnapped? Escaped from the cops, said Russ. Ford had promised a dying friend he'd attend his son's wedding and the son was due to get married and be shipped overseas before his release date. Hence the escape. All rather lame but almost plausible.

[Wednesday, 09th] Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries [21:00, Alibi] The old lethal spider in the lady's shoe trick; one dead tennis player. Miss F. found another spider and decided that Connie, a tennis nut, was the intended target. Inspector Jack made Miss F. a special constabule. A scumbag photographer was harassed and another spider visited Miss F.: big but harmless.
   Miss F. discovered that Angela had to win all her matches or she would lose an endorsement deal. Was Belinda the real intended target all along? Miss F. did a strip for the dodgy photographer to get info. Constance was knobbled by Miss F. and Inspector Jack, so Angela won the match. Connie killed the poor kid for the sake of her career and she kudda bin a contender.

[Thursday, 10th] Elementary [21:00, Living] Abby, a lab tech, was missing from a fertility clinic. No, she was a skeleton in the basement. No hyoid bone so strangled by someone she knew. A police detective was stalking Watson; she had a down on consultants. Abby was dying of cancer and she was married to an oncologist. She was having an affair with Dr. Fisher? No, he was her other husband in a thruple.
   Det. Cortez was interrogating Watson's friends. Abby's last "marriage" involved 5 other people! And they owed her 100 grand. Watson got nowhere with Cortez, a homophile. Abby was taking unwanted embryos for access to blood testing equipment. That lab was trashed.
   Abby was taking blood from other cancer cases; ones her husband had been misdiagnosing for his profit. That was why he killed her. Watson challenged Cortez to a boxing match and kicked her ass.

[Friday, 11th] TNF replay: The Vikings @ the Cardinals [16:00, Sky Sports 2] The Cards reached the MV 7 but were held to a FG. 0-3. TD for AP, 100th career, 7-3. A 65 yard pass, Palmer to John Brown, who can move his body at speed. 7-10. In Q2, the Cards stopped the MV with a strip and recovery but Palmer was sacked out of FG range. Same for the MV? No, they made a 44 yarder. 10-all.
   An MV trick play in Q3 ended with another fumble recovery by the Cards, who weren't fooled. A 42-yard TD pass to Floyde made it 10-17. A diving TD for Johnson was brought back to the MV 2 on review, and the Cards ended up kicking a FG to start Q4. 10-20.
   The Vikings kicked a FG 3 minutes into Q4, and a TD with 5 minutes left got them to 20-all. The Cards kicked a FG with 1:23 left. The Vikings reached FG range but Bridgewater was sacked and fumbled to the Cardinals, who won.
Sherlo Combs: The case of the silk stocking [20:00, Drama] 'Orrible mjurder. Holmes is zonked on opium. The dead woman is Lady Alice, not a prostitute, as the pathologist assumed. The duke hires SH. Another aristo girl vanishes. Dead already, SH decides. He deduces a third, humble victim; a suicide. SH has the body dug up. Imogen is grabbed at the funeral of the duke's daughter.
   Imogen is found and Watson's fiancée, and American psychologist, interrogates her. SH tricks a suspect into doing a perp walk before Imogen; the duke's footman; but he's cleared inexplicably despite freaking out Imogen. There's a glittering ball and SH upsets Watson by not sharing his plans.
   Oh, no! Identical twins, one a psycho-killer. Lestrade doesn't have the killer, just the brother who covered things up. Lady Roberta is in very grave danger. SH confronts the killer and clobbers him. The other brother joins in and is wrecked. Watson has to jump-start Roberta. Then Watson gets married.

[Saturday, 12th] Beyond Sherwood Forest (2009) [19:00, Syfy] There's a flying monster, then there's a woman with an arrow in her. The monster killed Roland, the sheriff of Nottingham, so his successor tried to capture the weird beast, only to be stabbed in the back by Malcolm as his son, Robin, looked on. Flash forward 15 years to Robin as a man.
   Robin's gang ambush Prince John's cash wagon in Sherwood Forest. John does a Gordon Broon and puts taxes up. Malc promises to catch Robin Hood within a week and Marion has done a runner. Malc offers the monster her freedom for killing Robin. The dragon finds that it can't get through its magical stargate to go back where it came from.
   Marion has to marry Leopold of Austria. A battle with the dragon ends in a draw but Friar Tuck is written off. Robin, John and Will go through the stargate. The dragon infiltrates Robin's camp in her human form. Malc catches Marion. Robin & Co. meet the Sylvans, who tell them the dragon lady's history. Malc finds Prince John's lost chest and its compromising contents.
   Robin & Co. have to get some luminous berries. Robin as grabbed as soon as he steps through the stargate. He escapes to fight Malc. The dragon joins in. Malc and the dragon are written off and Prince John is blackmailed into ransoming Wretched the Lionheart.
Red 2 (2013) Frank and Sarah are playing house, then Marvin shows up. His car blows up and Frank stabs the body in the hand at the funeral, but Marve ain't dead. The government grabs Frank to ask about Project Nightshade. A cartoon assassin shoots his way into the building. Frank causes major destruction and escapes with Marvin's help.
   Victoria gets a contract to kill Frank. Off to Paris on a Frog hunt; Sarah cracks him; and to meet Frank's Russian Kryptonite lady, who fails to get the Frog's key from him thanks to Marvin. The cops grab the Russian lady, to Sarah's delight. The gang breaks into a looney bin to extract the nutter who planted a nuke in Moscow in the 1980s. Then they are smuggled into Russia.
   A mad Oriental is hurled into the mix. Victoria is removed by her own side? No, she's too smart for them. Frank and Co. find the nuke in the Kremlin. Victoria tells Frank that the looney wants to set off the nuke. The Russian lady is shot. Frank and the others end up in front of a firing squad; which Victoria blasts.
   The looney outwits the cartoon killer. Frank gets the Oriental on his side to do the right thing. Victoria starts a riot while Marvin tries to make the bomb safe. Fail! The gang has to ditch the active bomb. The looney thinks he's outwitted everyone; then he realizes the bomb is on the plane he's stolen.

[Sunday, 13th] NFL Sunday: The Steelers @ the Bengals [17:30, Sky Sports 2] The Steelers marched to the CB 1 and Williams went in for a TD. The Bengals reached the PS 5 then Dalton was picked and injured when he made a tackle. The Steelers finished Q1 in FG range. A penalty on Brown pushed them back in Q2 but they made the FG. 0-10.
   The Steelers gave up a ton of penalty yards but the Bengals failed to make a 50 yard FG try. The Steelers were held to a FG with 7 minutes left. 13-0. AJ Green blasted past 2 defenders and took a pass from McCarron 66 yards for a TD. 13-7. The Steelers kicked another FG at the end of the quarter. 16-7.
   Gay ran a pick back for a PS TD in the first minute of Q3. 23-7. The Bengals managed a FG in reply. 23-10. The Steelers were sacked to a punt but they started Q4 with a FG. 26-10. A pass by R'berger was intercepted but the Bengals were quickly stopped by a Steeler's pick. A TD for Williams, 33-13, 3:49 left. A TD for the Bengals with a minute left made the final score 33-20.
Next, the Cowboys in Green Bay [21:25, Sky Sports 2] McFadden almost dropped the ball then he went 50 yards to the GB 12, but Cassel had a tipped pass picked in the end zone. Good work by Cobb & Lacy, Starks in for a 3rd down TD? Ruled short and the Cowboys kept the Pack out of their end zone on 4th down, only to go 3 & out into Q2. Finally, a TD pass to Starks after 4 minutes. 0-7. Rodgers to Rogers with 2:40 left. 0-14.
   Lots of punting in Q3. Swiss cheese and a TD run for Turbin. 7-14. GB were sacked to a punt and the same happened to the Cowboys early in Q4 as the offences struggled. Then Rodgers contributed a 1st down to a GB drive and Starks, with room to run, went 30 yards to the DC end zone. 7-21, 4:44 left.
   It was chucking it down with rain, good and proper. The Cowboys went out on downs at their 38. Lacy battled to the DC 1 and went in for a TD on the next play. 7-28, and that was enuf.

[Monday, 14th] SNF replay: The Patriots at the Texans [09:00, Sky Sports 3] One scoring drive for each team in Q1, 7-3 going into Q2. NE were held to a FG. 10-3. Same for the Texans. 10-6. Gronkowski jumped for a TD in the TX end zone at the end of the half. 17-6.
   In Q3, a challenge by the Texans took away a NE first down and forced them to kick a FG. 20-6. In Q4, a sack/fumble on Hoyer put the Patriots at the TX 7, and they went on to a TD. 27-6, and that was the end of the scoring and the end of the NE losing streak.
Game of Death (2010) [21:00, ITV4] A guy with a million bucks goes into a church and tells the priest his story. He's a killer, like the newspapers say, but he was also a CIA undercover. He was on a job, protecting a Fred Smith, when the rest of his team went rogue and Smith started having heart trouble.
   There's a battle through the streets to a hospital, more murder and mayhem there, and the BGs haul Smith off to confront a hood who's going to give Smith lots of lovely cash. Marcus Jones turned up to frustrate their knavish tricks and kill the turn-coats.
   Then he strolls out of a building infested with SWAT with a big bag of cash; which he leaves in the church.

[Tuesday, 15th] MNF replay: The Giants in Miami [09:00, Sky Sports 2] Miami were stopped by a forced fumble and recovery by the Giants, who kicked a FG after a sack. The Dolphins made 4th & inches at the NJG 27 and went on to a TD for Miller against a blitz. 3-7. The Giants reached the Miami 6 in Q2, and went on to a TD. 10-7. Miller burst through tackles to go 38 yards for another TD. 10-14. The Fins kicked a FG at the 2MW. Beckham took a pass 45 yards and a bad penalty gave the Giants another 15 yards, on to a TD. 17-all.
   A TD pass to Stills against a blitz in the 6th minute of Q3 put Miami 17-24 ahead. Beckham got a TD after a review 10 minutes in, 24-all. An 84 yard TD pass to Beckhan in the 5th minute of Q4, going through blown coverage, made the score 31-24, and that was the end of the scoring.
Lie to me [20:00, Alibi] Dr. Cal was in gaol to crack a pathological liar, who had a copycat on the outside. He was steered to another victim rather than to the guy who was blinding women and raping them. Dr. Foster and the Feds got the hump. An associate of the BG was put under pressure. Foster was attacked but the perp got away. One of the victims had to find out that her husband was a fan of the gaoled Jenkins and the copycat. And the cops saved the girl he'd taken prisoner.
Battle Creek [22:00, Universal] Russ was in uniform and bearded when he helped to get a guy who'd been shot in a park to hospital. The witnesses were useless. Milt blackmailed an ex-associate in Detroit for information on the shooter. It couldn't be used for a warrant but the guy was busted anyway. His lawyer got all the evidence tossed and Milt was suspended.
   The cops set a trap: Kowalski turned out to be a hit-man whose wife had cancer. The wife of the man he shot became a prime suspect. Russ thought she was okay, the Commander didn't. Derek was a gambler, who raised $50,000 to have his wife killed, then changed his mind and took the bullet intended for her in the park! At the end, frustrated Holly threw herself at Russ in the evidence room.
Lie To Me season finale [23:00, Alibi+1] An Akbarist blew himself up on a bus in DC. Dr. Cal got a shot at a suspect, which upset the Feds. Deciding that he was innocent upset them even more. The ladies bearded the mosque attended by the suicide bomber. The suspect helped to smuggle a real terrorist into the US. Another bomb went off in a shopping mall.
   The CCTV of the bombings showed that the kids carrying the bombs didn't know about them. Illegal bugging tapes from the mosque were grabbed from an ex-agent. Cal spotted that the father of the second bomber knew who was behind it. The nasty bastard was shot in his workshop as he was about to set off more radio-controlled bombs.

[Wednesday, 16th] Murder, She Wrote [Dead Letter, 18:55, ITV3] Cabbage Cove was having a rummage sale, Jessica bought a bureau (probably to put a body in it) and found an old letter for Bud (Mr. Angry) in it. The furniture store went up in flames and Bud was found dead inside. The insurance lady said arson and ran rings round the clunker of a sheriff.
   The letter was from Bud's wife saying she was going to ditch him; but she didn't. Bud was killed before the fire. The sheriff blundered around, as usual, and it was the widow who helped Jessica to pin her latest murder on someone else.
Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries [21:00, Alibi] An astronomer was murdered; by the crazy RC priest? The bloke swindled by Miss F's dad escaped. There was a daft story about Martians attached to the astronomer. The priest admitted assault and was arrested. Dad got a gun stuck in his thieving ear. There were luminescent and radioactive eyedrops everywhere. The astronomer died of polonium poisoning.
   The sinister Turk tried to rat out his pal, the swindled bloke, and he was slaughtered. The mysterious man was Dad's cousin, who was thought to have died in the war. The killer did in the astronomer for revenge and he had no regrets. Dad blamed everything on his cousin. PC Hugh sorted out the crazy priest and married Dot. And Dad's punishment was having to fly home in Miss F's Tiger Moth.

[Thursday, 17th] Elementary [21:00, Living] Sherlock has been a no-show at addict meetings. A guy called Ross was burnt to the ground. He'd borrowed some digging equipment from an archaeologist friend to excavate a landfill site, apparently in search of dumped computer games that didn't work, which had become worth lots of cash.
   Red herring; the games had been dug up. So what did the dead guy find? Det. Bell turned up a toxic waste connection but the wheels came off corporate murder thanks to a smart lawyer. But the corporate guy was nailed on corporate arson and murder. Then SH spotted that his ex-sponsor was struggling.

[Friday, 18th] TNF replay: The Bucs @ St Louis [12:00, Sky Sports 4] Both teams were playing in bright red/bright yellow pantomime kit. The Rams scored first with a TD. The Bucs were held to a FG. 3-7. A 60 yard pass for a TD put the Rams 3-14 ahead, and Gurley battered into the Bucs' end zone in Q3 from a 3rd & 1 at the TB 3. 3-21 and Gurley went over 1,000 yards in his rookie year.
   TB got very close in Q3, but they were held to a FG. 6-21. Another TD for the Rams in the 10th minute, running through a crowd. 6-28. In Q4, TB nearly gave up a TD when a player threw a live ball away after hitting the ground. But they got the TD, went for +2, went back 10 yards for holding and chose to kick a PAT instead. 13-28.
   Cunningham ran the kick off back to the TB 3, Gurley was held out of the end zone on 3 tries and the Rams kicked a FG. 6-31. The Bucs scored a TD inside the last 2 minutes. 23-31. They were just one score away, but the Rams held on for the win.

[Saturday, 19th] Rosemary & Thyme [18:55, ITV3] The ladies go to help a blind professor, Rosie's mentor, whose allotment is under threat from a developer. The prof. is murdered, the cops think it was just an accident so the ladies have to investigate. And find that posh Hugo is as lethal as he's financially useless; and the half a million quid the professor left to Rosie is history. Rosie finds this out when he traps her in a lift shaft; but the prof's guide dog saves her.

[Sunday, 20th] NFL Sunday: the Panthers @ the Giants [18:04, Sky Sports 2] Drops by receivers then a 47 yard sprint by Newton + a late hit penalty on the Giants put the CP at their 2; 3rd down TD pass to Ginn, 7-0. The officials were letting Beckham get away with violent assaults on most plays. Why? The Giants got level in the 14th minute.
   Mostly defence in Q2. The Panthers got the ball from a fumble after a challenge with 3:22 to go, and went on to a TD pass to Olsen. 14-7. The Giants were gone in 40 seconds, allowing time for a TD pass to Funchess and 21-7.
   Ginn had the drops in Q3 but Brown hung on to a TD pass after 5 minutes. 28-7. Ginn scored a TD 5 minutes later. 35-7. The Giants had a penalty strewn drive with Beckham out of control to a TD. 35-14. The Panthers went to sleep.
   The Giants got another TD in Q4. The Panthers had a FG after 6 minutes and recovered by the Giants, but Manning was picked in the CP end zone. the Panthers fumbled the ball away right away and gave the Giants a TD. 35-28. A TD for Beckham with 1:46 left made it 35-all. The Panthers made FG range. helped by a run by Newton, 38-35 final. The Panthers are now 14-0 on the season.
Meanwhile, the Broncos @ the Steelers [21:26, Sky Sports 2] The Steelers had to punt but the Broncos fumbled away their 2nd play. A TD for Williams, 0-7. Osweiler hit Thomas with a TD pass in the 10th minute, 7-all. Another TD pass, to Sanders, with 3 minutes left. 14-7 Denver. R'berger was picked with a minute left.
   Swiss Cheese and a TD run by Osweiler in Q2. 20-7, the PAT missed. The Steelers got to "& goal" but they were held to a FG. 20-10, punch up, 7:33 to go in the half. Another TD for the Broncos after the 2MW. The Steelers replied with a FG. 27-13.
   Lots of punting in Q3. The Steelers were helped to the DB 9 by pass interference by Denver, TD pass to Brown, 27-20. Some punting. The Broncos returned a kick to the PS end zone with a minute to go but their bench had rushed onto the field and they were done for technically illegal substitution. And a Steeler has touched the ball with a foot out of bounds, so it was dead anyway before the Broncos picked it up. Phew!
   The Broncos punted in Q4. The Steelers rushed downfield to a TD for Wheaton. 27-all. Lots of defence. Osweiler was picked with 4:20 left. TD for Brown within a minute. 27-34. The Broncos were stopped but R'berger was picked off!! at the PS 41 by Marshall. Allen missed a pick for the Steelers on 3rd down but the Broncos went 4 & out. The Steelers made a 1st down, then they were able to run out the clock for the win.

[Monday, 21st] SNF replay: the Cardinals @ the Eagles [13:30, Sky Sports 2] Brown dropped what cudda bin a TD pass on the first play but the Cards advanced to "& goal", TD run by Johnson, 7-0. The Eagles kicked a FG in reply. 7-3. The Cards kicked a FG and the Eagles scored a TD in the 8th minute of Q2 for 10-all. Johnson ran right through the Eagles' defence for a TD. 17-10. The Eagles were stopped on a 4th and inches near the AC 7 in the last minute of the half.
   Floyd made a spectacular catch at the PE half-yard line, which survived a challenge. Johnson ran in for his 3rd TD. 23-10. Bradford fumbled to the Cards when sacked. Palmer had a finger banged up, punt. Another fumble by the Eagles set up a TD for Brown in the last minute of Q3. 30-10.
   The Cards ran a pick back for a TD at the start of Q4. The Eagles replied with a 77 yard TD pass to Matthews, also in the first minute. 37-17. The Cardinals kicked a FG with 3 minutes left, 40-17 final.

[Tuesday, 22nd] MNF replay: the Lions @ the Saints [16:30, Sky sports 4] The Lions started the scoring with a TD, the Saints were held to a FG. 7-3. The Lions rushed to the NO 14 at the end of Q1 and advanced to another TD in Q2. 14-3. And another 10 minutes later. 21-3.
   A TD for the Saints with a minute left was wiped out by a review; they restarted at the DL 1. A TD was wiped out by a penalty and a 4th down TD was also wiped out. The half was over then so no chance to kick a FG.
   The Lions went another TD ahead 4 minutes into Q3. 28-3. The Saints made the DL end zone and all the penalties were on the Lions. 28-10. A challenge got the Saints a fumble recovery in Q4, on to a TD. 28-20. The Lions survived another fumble and went on to a TD with 5:24 left. 35-20, too much. The Saints scored another TD for 35-27 but an on-side kick try failed.
Inspector George Gently [Peace & Love, 19:00, Alibi] CND scumbags attack the police guarding the local dockyard, which his full of Polaris submarines. One of their rabble rousers, a university lecturer, is done in so cue some poor man's Morse. There's a missing Elizabeth. Her prof is somewhat paranoid, a CNDer and a man-hater. The dead guy put it about a bit among the students and he smoked pot.
   The head porter is ex-SAS and working with Special Branch, so Gently is warned off him. There's a missing dockyard guard, David. Liz turns up and says she might have killed Fraser, who got her pregnant. Her prof. sent her Edinburgh for an abortion, which didn't work.
   David is busted trying to emigrate. DS Bacchus finds himself in a club for homophiles, to his dismay. His father-in-law, the Boss Cop, orders him to fit up David for the murder. David, a member of the club, is murdered; dressed up as suicide. Fraser was trying to blackmail him into letting CND vandals into the dockyard.
   Gently decides that the simplest thing to do is fit up the college porter because he's the only one in the area who's doing anything to protect the country from the Useful Idiots in CND, and because it's the sort of thing a mealy mouthed liberal like Gently would do to a war hero.
Battle Creek [22:00, Universal] Holly back-pedals. The coach at Valley High, an icon, is dead. The Mayor gives the case to Milt. Russ spots the murder weapon right off. Crazy Eddie is an obvious suspect; only he committed suicide on the railway tracks before the coach was killed. Milt tries to fit up Eddie's dad. Fail.
   Holly is going to law school in Indiana, so that's Russ dumped. Russ worries the new coach, who admits stealing money to buy grades but not murder. Crazy Eddie was being damaged by concussions, his dad tells the detectives, but the dead coach made him keep playing. Dad saw the train hit Eddie so he made the coach answer for killing his boy. Justifiable homicide. Russ makes up with Holly at the end.

[Wednesday, 23rd] CSI:NY [19:00, Watch] This is the first ever episode of the spin-off, which explains the picture quality. In fact, it looks rather stark and dark and arty-farty with the colour bleached out and a lot of yellow or green missing. An unintended consequence of the passage of time?
   The story is about nailing a serial killer, who locks women into their bodies. The picture quality improves somewhat as the mad medic's tale unfolds and Det Mac establishes his robotic personality. And the BG is Russian, not American, so that's okay.
Meteor [1/4, 20:00, Pick] An ancient professor spots that an asteroid 3x the size of Mount Everest has been tagged by a comet and moved onto a collision course with Earth. It's called Cassandra. There's a mad dirty cop after a girl and her cop father. Precursor rocks start to bombard Earth, which is 24-48 hours away from a Life Extinction Event.
   The US military decides to shoot the rock to bitz. Satellites are being battered to bitz by incoming rocks, knocking out communications. Imogen, the prof's assistant, takes a side trip to Mexico and ends up grabbed by bandits. Get everyone underground, the US military decides while trying to get the missiles organize.
Meteor [2/4, 20:00, Pick] There is mayhem everywhere and the cops are chucking their weight about. The army has fun shooting ground-to-air missiles at incoming rocks. Imogen bashes a bandit's head in with a fire extinguisher and shoots another and nicks a police car. She's hassled by dumb Americans at the border.
   Imogen barely gets trajectory data to the control room. The vice president rescues Imogen from the border idiots. She works out that the military shot to bits only one-half of the incoming Cassandra and the bigger half is still on the way.

[Thursday, 24th] Cheesie NY [19:00, Watch] A human skeleton badly assembled as a fright figure in the subway. A teenager dead for at least a decade. The cops failed to fit up the kid who built the fright figure. The dead kid was a human rat, who lived and died at the bus depot. As before, the quality of the video veers from okay to grim and dark and arty-farty.
   The kid was alive in 1990. The killer was trapped when he unpawned his watch after 14 years. His unfortunate parents, who had been looking for him for years, realized that they'd wasted all that time looking for a scumbag.
Meteor [3/4, 20:00, Pick] The bits continue to fall and the president claims "We prevailed", which is a lie because there's a bigger half still on the way. The crazy cop is written off right away. Imogen, the professor's assistant with all the facts & figures, is in a car crash with a border guy, who croaks. The crazy cop is undead.
   More bits make the president look an idiot, and also the gang at Meteor Control. Imogen pulls a gun on a red-neck to try to use a phone but she's out-gunned. The crazy cop crashes the car. Imogen finally gets through to Meteor Control. But communications are knocked out.
Meteor [4/4, 20:00, Pick] Imogen is still struggling and Meteor Control has to rely on the Russians and the Chinese for missiles to take out Rock #2. Society is going to hell; with a few noble exceptions. The Chinese join in but the stoopid Russians won't. Bluff them, a young lieutenant suggests, because they're radar blind. The ISS is taken out.
   The tedious dirty cop is whacked. Oh, crap! He's still alive. The tedious tosser is shot some more. Imogen saves the day in the face of gross obstruction and incompetence among the military. But there's another rock, which could be knocked off course in 18 years' time.

[Friday, 25th] Live NFL: the Chargers in Oakland [01:25, Sky Sports 1] The Raiders were stopped by an early pick of a tipped pass. SD from the OR 32, Brown rushed in from the 1, 7-0. The Raiders got moving, survived a sack by Perryman and Murray went in for a TD on the next play. 7-all. Some work for the punters into Q2.
   Penalties on the Raiders gave the Bolts a short field. On to a TD, 14-7. Murray got his 1,000 rushing yards for the season. 50 yard FG for the Raiders. 14-10. SD punted. The Raiders tried a fake punt and got 18 yards, but they were done for an illegal formation and did a real punt. SF kicked a FG in the last minute of the half. 17-10.
   Defences took charge in Q3. Rivers was sacked in his end zone for a safety. 17-12. Finally, in Q4, SD reached FG range. They kicked a FG but holding by the Raiders gave them a 1st down. TD on the next play; wiped out by a review and a FG try missed. 7 minutes left.
   The Raiders punted then fumbled the ball to the Raiders, who restarted at the SD 3. TD on the next play. 17-20 after a 2-pointer. 4:42 left. The Bolts reached FG range via pass interference on the Raiders; Intruders on the pitch. The Bolts kicked a FG with a minute left. 20-all, OT.
   The Raiders killed themselves with penalties; 2nd & 29, then 15 yards on SD. Nearly, nearly a TD for the Raiders; a miracle catch for 33 yards to the SD 10, back to the 18; FG, 31 yards, 20-23. SD went 4 & out. The Raiders win.

[Saturday, 26th] Elementary [series 4, No. 6; on demand] A nutter with a gun was shooting people. Dad called on SH to say the guy was ex-French special forces and a killing in the financial district had been concealed in many. But you can't tell the police. SH spots a target; a plumber from Statten Island. The killer goes off a fire escape when the police call on him and croaks.
   Dad gets an Interpol agent to check the killer's Swiss bank account and goes back to the company from whose building the shots were fired. The plumber was banging Mr. Fitzgerald's wife so the motive was jealousy. Dad homes in on Bill of DE as the BG's helper. He smuggled the sniper rifle past his firm's metal detectors.
   Dad sees off a guy who tries to extort cash and threatens to tell SH what his dad is really up to. Dad sends him home with a death threat to his family.
   What on Earth are the idiots making Elementary up to? Interiors so ill-lit that they look like night outdoors. Only the exteriors were properly lit and the director was probably gnashing his little teetch with frustration that there were no black clouds overhead to continue the noir theme.
Perry Mason: [The case of the heartbroken bride, 19:00, True Entertainment] A girl sneaks into a wedding between a pop girl and a minor soap start. PM is there, of course; he's the bride's uncle. The groom's drunken uncle starts a punch up. The bride is found with his body. So the stoopid cops arrest her. PM goes after the missing intruder.
   The bride's father is thought to have embezzled $250K from his clients. PM's snoop is ambushed. The dead guy stole a lot of bootleg cassettes. The groom saves the snoop's ass. Mason points fingers at so many others that the truth vanishes in a web of conjecture and his client is left off as the easiest thing to do.
Skyfall (2012) [20:30, ITV 2] is probably the least convincing Bond film of all. A whole lot of stuff was blown up but I'm still trying to decide whether the plastic villain should be called Win Jer or Wayne Kerr.

[Sunday, 27th] Saturday NF replay: The Redskins @ the Eagles [09:00, Sky Sports 4] The Eagles started with a TD drive. One back for the Skins but the PAT missed. 6-7. Another TD for Reed after 14 minutes and the PAT worked. 13-7.
   The Eagles kicked a FG 6 minutes into Q2. 13-10. The Redskins got a bogus fumble recover decision from the blind ref, but were held to a FG. 16-10. Cousins twatted up a chance to kick a WR FG at the end of the half by failing to spike the ball, so the clock ran out.
   The field was increasingly slippery in heavy rain. TD for the Skins 8 minutes into Q3. 23-10. A TD for the PE after 10 minutes. 23-17. A fumble at the hand-off gave the Redskins a recovery and a defensive TD. 30-17.
   The Redskins scored a TD with 9 minutes left and added +2 points. 33-17. The Eagles didn't put on much of a rush. They scored a TD with 4:34 left, not enuff, 38-24 final.
NFL Sunday: The Patriots @ the Jets [18:05, Sky Sports 2] Punt. Punt. The Jets did a lot better in their 2nd drive, FG, 0-3 after 12 minutes. Punting into Q2. NE made a 4th down to avoid a 51 yard FG and kicked a 35 yarder instead. 3-all. A TD for the Jets via Marshall after the 2MW. 3-10.
   In Q3, NE were stopped by a pick by Revis! 33 yard TD to Marshall on a 3rd & 11! 3-17. Sack, FG for NE, 6-17. A fumble by Fitzpatrick was returned for a TD by the NE defence. 13-17.
   The Jets kicked a FG in the 3rd minute of Q4. 13-20. Another Jets sack; NE punt. Punt. Punt. The Pats scored a TD after the 2MW; 20-all. The Jets failed to get into FG range. OT.
   A screw-up by the Patriots made them kick off. A big play took the Jets to the NE 30, Marshall to the 6, TD pass, Fitzpatrick to Decker. The Jets win 20-26.
Packers @ Cardinals [21:26. Sky Sports 2] AC start, 3& out. GB punt. Johnson throught Swiss Cheese for 44 yards. Palmer sacked; AC punt. & GB. Q2; TD for the Cardinals a minute in. 0-7.
   Rodgers sacked 4 mins in. AC got to "& goal" but held to a FG. 10-0. Rodgers sacked again. And again on the next play. Punt. 2:24 left in the half. Palmer picked off right away by Daniels @ AC 15! Rodgers picked in the end zone. 47 yards for the Cards through Swiss Cheese to FG range; TD, what else? 0-17.
   GB fumbled away their first play of Q3; a couple of plays to an AC TD. 0-24. Rodgers was sacked 3 more times, fumbling the 3rd time, defensive TD for the Cards. 0-31. Lacy hit the AC end zone and the flag was on Arizona. 8-31 with +2 points.
   The sacks went on. Another forced fumble by Rodgers, another AC defensive TD. 8-38. GB got to the AC 7 on pass interference + 15 yards for objectionable conduct on Arizona; out on downs. The starting QBs were taken off in Q4 and the match just drifted to a close.
   It's all very well, the coach telling us what a fantastic job he thinks he's doing, but watching the Packers this season is a cruel and unusual punishment for fans.

[Monday, 28th] SNF highlights: The Giants @ the Vikings [20:00, Sky Sports 4] Beckham banned for his disgraceful display last time out.
   The Vikings collected a tipped pass after 7 minutes but they were sacked to a punt. So were the Giants. The Vikings reached FG range toward the end of Q1, and that's what they got. 0-3.
   They added a 28 yard TD on a 2nd & 14 some 4 minutes into Q2. 0-10. A 50 yard pass play to Jenning got the Giants to the MV 13; FG, 3-10. The MV defence returned a pick for a TD 4 minutes before half-time. The PAT missed, 3-16. A 52 yard FG at the end of the half made the score 3-19.
   The Vikings kicked another FG 7 minutes into Q3. 3-22. Another pick of a pass by Manning was returned to the NJG 4; TD for AP, 3-29. The Vikings kicked a 53 yard FG after 13 minutes. 3-32. The Giants scored a 72 yard TD a minute later. 10-32.
   Bridgewater scrambled to the NJG 8 at the end of Q3, on to a TD in Q4. 10-39. The Vikings kicked a short FG in the 6th minute for 10-42, and added a 68 yard TD with 3:36 left. The Giants managed a consolation TD. 17-49 final.
S.W.A.T. (2003) [21:00, Sky One] Bozos with automatic weapons at a bank. Crazy Brian drags his partner, Jimmy, into a confrontation against orders and takes out the BGs. The pissant captain is all for dumping his 2 best men. Jimmy stays on in the stores, Brian quits. 6 months later, Old School Hondo rolls into town to pick a new team, which includes Jimmy, to the pissant Captain's disgust.
   Cue some training. Some French guy is busted by a traffic cop; he turned out to be wanted everywhere. The scumbag offers $100 million to anyone who can turn him loose when he's about to be moved to a Federal gaol. All sorts of BGs go for the cash; including Brian and a turncoat in Hondo's outfit. Brian comes up with a plan to hijack a small plane and land it on a bridge. But it's not a good day for BGs.

[Tuesday, 29th] Battle Creek [series 1 finale, 22:00, Universal] Milt goes for a run. His car blows up when he gets back but he escapes miraculously. How? The car is armoured like a tank. Milt has done something dreadful. He and Russ are grabbed by the bomber. Milt confesses that he blackmailed a 16-year-old kid into setting up a drug lord and got the kid killed as his father looked on.
   The BC cops connect Milt's car to a drug lord. The Commander goes to Detroit to confront Milt's old partner. Milt killed the drug lord. The BC cops show up as Milt is about to be whacked. Milt goes crazy and dares the father of the kid he got killed to shoot him. So he does. But he botches the job.

[Wednesday, 30th] Johnny English Reborn (2011) [20:02, E4] He was MI7's top agent 5 years ago but took his eye off the ball in Mozambique. He's twatting about in Tibet now, but he's recalled to London even though the Master says he's not ready. His boss, Pegasus, is one of the shoulder-chippy wimmin. Off to the Q dept with Simon, then to Honk Kong with a native bearer, Tucker. Vortex is planning to kill the Chinese president.
   English applies some wisdom to a chase but The Key is gone from his case by the time he gets back to England. The killer char lady is disguised as Pegasus' mom, so English beats up the wrong one. Kate, the department psychologist, does her thing on English and he ends up golfing with a Russian Vortex agent, who's whacked by the Chinese char.
   Fun in a helicopter. The Russian says Vortex is KGB, CIA and MI7, and it did the job in Mozambique. Simon in the traitor, of course. Tucker spots this but English won't believe him and gives the Russian's key to Simon. Big chase of English, who's in Q's souped-up wheelchair. Kate spots that Vortex is using a CIA mind-control drug.
   After another brush with the Chinese char, English & Tucker head for Switzerland. English gets a trip up a mountain in a body bag. He drinks the drugged drink, instead of Pegasus, but he fights off the mind control and doesn't kill the Chinese president. Kate helps him to survive the lethal drug. English takes Simon out almost by accident. Then a bit of a cock up over the Chinese killer, who's disguised as the Queen.
   The ineptitude is done skilfully rather than clumsily, which makes the film well worth watching. And there are some pretty cool stunts in it. Bond, it's not. But it's better than some recent Bond. The song at the end is well performed and the novelty cooking with the titles is a bit of fun.
Raw [22:00, Sky Sports 4] When in doubt, bring out the Keystone Kops. And it was Vince's turn to end up in handcuffs. Which proved very popular with the fans. Neville vs the fat twat Owens lasted about a minute before the twat lost. The post-match massacre lasted longer. Boring. Orange hair vs Red hair in the Divas' match. Plus Miss Red's 2 pals at ringside. An amazingly long tussle by Raw standards ended with the ref failing to DQ Red for outside interference and condone the swindle.
   A 6-man tag shambles next. Curses! Vince made bail. Cena vs the man called Rio because he's utterly wet went to the old 'kill the ref' swindle and Rio's gang joining in. Boring. Enter Vince for a final whinge.

[Thursday, 31st] CSI:NY [19:00, Watch] Okay, there are all these Cheesies with their microscopes and mass specs, but are we supposed to be hypnotized and sit their with our brains switched off? Tonight, we were invited to believe that a bride was killed by formaldehyde poisoning because some guy had stripped a wedding dress off an embalmed corpse and sold it to her.
   But if there was that much formaldehyde on the dress, wouldn't the bride, and everyone around her, been able to smell it? It would certainly have made everyone's eyes water, even if the entire crew had been suffering from colds. Pur-lease!

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