WEEK 1    Putin the ‘ass’ into morass

 
++ US invasion of Russia an overnight success ++ Troops made indecently welcome ++ Camel A. Harrisment takes over as head of provisional government ++ Putin bear-hugged to death by camp mascot @ former slave colony in Siberia ++ China, India, Pakistan, North Korea, Syria, Iran, MacRon & other Putin allies outraged ++ New Russia's veto cancels condemnatory motion in UN Security Council ++

V. Symbolic: It's somehow fitting that the failed head of Police Scotland should fill in @ the Met until a proper successor to Dockson of Dick Green has been found.

One small slap for a man, one giant leap for Oscarkind
Actor person W. Smith is to be awarded an additional Oscar for services to getting the dull, preachy & smug award ceremoney noticed again.

Q: How do you tell when a scumbag despot has reached the end of the line?
A: Like Putrid, he/she/it will try playing the Poor Little Stinker card, which is an internationally recognized signal of distress/desperation.

Ultra-Smart Move
Ukraine has proved that it is on the ball by issuing Non-Fungicidal Tokens, which act as war bonds. 100% of the cash raised will go to supporting the armed forces and civilians of Ukraine.
   Unlike conventional war bonds, NFTs come with no guarantee that the selling price will ever be repaid.

Ireland, haven of a terrorist organization, is claiming to be neutral vis-à-vis the Russian invasion of Ukraine.

“As neutral but on Germany's side, as it was in World War II? Will we see Putinazi superyachts stocking up with goodies @ Irish ports when they realize they're not welcome anywhere else?” Bite Yerarmoff

“Threatening China with sanctions for helping Russia is a total waste of time. Any amount of stuff could go over the land border with no one any the wiser.” Jeffrey Paid

Taking a multivitamin tablet every day won't do anything much for your health, the Xperts reckon. But it will clip your wealth.

Not much actual change visible
Despite gorbal warmage, we're being threatened with spring snow in April. And Romiley's ancients can remember standing in line outdoors in a blizzard for three-quarters of an hour, waiting to get their second Chinese plague inoculation in the second week of May last year.

Either the police have lost interest in the offence or rapists are getting better at avoiding leaving evidence. Just 1% on average of reported cases in England & Wales lead to a prosecution

Q: Who are these 'blah cops' we keep hearing about? What's their game?
A: Do you mean black ops? Governments killing people and sponsoring sabotage and doing a "Not me, Gov" about it?

One note slamba
Mhegan the Merciless is in trubble for playing the victim card to the point of wearing it out in her whinges on SpottyFly.
   The Wimmin Against Wimps collective has suggested that Mhegan the Mhunchausen is more appropriate.
   Seems about right.

Jam Tomorrow Snack
The Chancellor claims he wants his customers to keep more of their own money. Unfortunately for them, he wants them to keep it in his Brown Hole @ the Treasury.
   Mr. Snack claims he's a tax-cutter. In fact, he has raised taxes more in a couple of years than his Zen master G.F. Broon managed in 10 years and he has snaffled Broon's treasured status as the Stealth Tax Honcho.

Fiscal Drag is Snack in Wonderland.
Unfortunately for the rest of us.

What a relief!
Hillarious Clinton's hopes of taking over from Creaky Joe as POTUS in the White House have been severely dented by ex-President D. Trump.
   He is planning to sue Clinton for libel over her attempts to confect a link between Trump and the Putinazis during the 2016 election campaign and that will cost her every cent of her campaign war chest.

New government bribe on offer? Maybe free electricity for people who don't object to living near a nuclear power station. Big row about the definition of 'near' Xpected and a huge amount of taxpayers' dosh being shovelled into the insatiable maw of the legal trade.

Q: Why is Putrid using a letter from another alphabet as his trademark?
A: Could be he is telling his customers they're a bunch of iggorant peasants and their alphabet ain't good enuff for him.

Europeon companies with a 'Z' logo are having to put it in a drawer in the basement for the moment for fear of putting customers off.
   Some states in Germany have gone the whole hog and made displaying the Putinazi Zwastika as illegal as showing off one of Mr. Hitler's swastikas.

Flash back to March 2018, same story as March 2022

Do we really give one of our finest rat's arses about this 'mystery' £750K the meeja are tagging on to Prince Andrew? Nice to know there's nothing serious going on in the world if the Daily Wail can make it the front page lead for two days running.
“Maybe it's an April Fool that got carried over for an extra day because they really thought people might fall for it.” Wirral Toast

From 6th April 2022 for a single pensioner:
New state pension £185.15 a week/£9,628 per year
Absolute poverty level £8,000 per year
Old state pension £141.85 a week/£7,376 per year
Not a word from Sirk Reepy Steamer and his estranged deputy, Angela Robot, about this disgraceful state of affairs.
“They probably don't think there's enough votes involved to make it worth the effort of making a fuss.” Con Tigual
“Alternatively, Sirb Eery is to busy thinking about an Xcuse for boozing illegally during lock-in and a reason why he shouldn't resign for doing it whilst he's yelling for President Boris to go.” Radar Runch

The Oil & Gas Authority is to be greenwashingly contracted to The OGA as part of the Boris Green Bollocks Agenda. Probably because the current name reminds everyone which industry is keeping the lights on when the occasionals industry fails to deliver.

From last Wednesday's Daily Wail:
	Q: Supery-achts? Why are they supery and why do they come in sets of 8? A: Might be something to do with someone failing to translate superior After Eight Mints into German.

Typical disconnection of a government department
Prof. I. Diamond, honcho of the Office for National Sadistics, is doing a nationwide 'be counted' survey with a £5 voucher on offer to those who participate.
   Participants are told that only those who provide an email address can Xpect to get a voucher as the Royal Mail is too unreliable for them to be posted. Which doesn't stop the professor's outfit from posting nag letters to customers who have already done the on-line survey.

Q: What's the going price for a £1M Russian tank in Ukraine?
A: Crews which part with them in good order get £7,500 and a place of safety for the duration.
Q: So the 500 tanks the Ukrainians have acquired have cost them a bomb?
A: Nope, most were abandoned by a crew who legged it when they got a chance.

Don’t let the door hit your ass
Russia is Xperiencing an outflux of the brightest & the best. Technomads are choosing to be somewhere else where there are no sanctions and they are not liable to be locked up for not appreciating Putin the Poisoner. Most plan to stay away until their country is de-Putinazified.

UN
The mattress industry is outraged by the way British potential customers klingon to old mattresses for 20 years, or even more, instead of rushing out to buy a new one every 5 minutes and thrusting lots of lovely dosh into the pockets of the manufacturers.

“How can the Russians claim everything is going to plan in their attack on Ukraine? It's no problem if they're rewriting the plan on a minute by minute basis.” Vash McGash

“What the natives, looney lefties and Bremoaners who are going on about Royal visits to places like Jamaica need to remember is that the locals would still be living in mud huts in Africa with no internet and no phones and liable to be sold to Arab slavers but for the Britisch Empire taking an interest in their ancestors.” Dafty McDaftname

His PR team is working hard to give Putrid the Poisoner a new alibi. Blowing up bitz of Ukraine is nothing to do with him. It's all down to the misleading intel he got from the KGB.

The terms 'edited female' & 'edited male' are to be deployed for the convenience of those who have had themselves chopped about & drugged to look like a member of the opposite sex from the one defined by their DNA.

“Are Chancellor Snack's overpriced creepers an insult to every peasant who can't afford them? No, they're telling everyone that if you make an effort to marry someone rich, as he did, you too can hurl stoopid amounts of cash @ trendy footwear that makes you look like a pillock.” Enkon Tiralo
“And you might just be able to afford your energy bills for your first and second homes, like an MP.” R. Goddit

“What sort of phone does that Labour ex-minister, M. Miller, have it if tells its number to every passing transister so the perv can flash her a picture of its meat &?” L. Bow-Greese

Dealing with wiseguys
Customer: "Two more pints, mate. . . . What?"
Barsteward:"I'm waiting for that little word."
Customer: "Pronto?"

Q: O.M.D.?
A: "Of Mass Destruction"—see recipes for Soup Of Mass Destruction, Pizza Of Mass Destruction, etc.

Needs to do better
Public satisfaction with the services offered by the NHS is at a 25-year low, according to a recent survey, and the satisfaction level for GP services of 35% is the lowest figure recorded since attitude studies began 40 years ago.
Social care, with a rating of just 15%, is right down at the bottom of the bucket.
People don't want a different NHS, they just want the one we've got to work.

Despite all the propaganda, using a pocket phone will not kill people by giving them a brain tumour, the Xperts have decided. But this applies only to adults & moderate use. There is insufficient data to say anything about heavy users, children and teenagers.

The Putinazis claiming they are giving the Ukrainian capital a break from their murderous activities is like a pick-pocket saying he's giving up on your trouser pockets to concentrate on your jacket pockets.

“Is hearing that our government grabbers have seized a Putinazi's supery-acht such wonderful news? All it does is dump the GINORMOUS running & maintenance costs on the Britisch taxpayer for the duration.” Con C. Quence

++ Putrid's army blamed for massacre in Sacramento, California ++ Putrid's fingerprints 'all over it' ++ More for the war crimes commissioners to investigate ++ Russian war criminals in Ukraine funded by £800 MILLION paid daily by Germany for Putrid's gas ++ Worst atrocities of all time being perpetrated by Putrid's rag-bag army in retreat ++

If you ain't stocked up with slug pellets, it's too late.
The government banned them last Friday.

“It's weird that anyone would think that trigger warnings should be added to books given to a generation that quite happily commits mass murder in video games. All this does is indicate that the trigger advocates should be banned from all contact with educational institutions on the grounds of being hopelessly out of touch with reality.” Arnie Gallo

President Boris is bragging that this month's soaring energy prices in the UK are world-leading. Shame he hasn't learnt the distinction between positives and negatives.

Janus + 1, facewise or Pantz is as Pantz does
You get a peerage, Sirb Eery Steamer makes out you're his best mate and vice versa. The demented despot ruling your country invades a neighbour and Sirk Reepy has never heard of you and starts demanding other politicians resign for having been mates with you.

Putrid the Poisoner's forces in Ukraine are deploying anti-personnel mines of a type which has been banned by all civilized countries when they are forced to retreat.

When did fairness have anything to do with fads?
It's not only female swimmers who are giving up the sport because of unfair competition. Bikistas are realizing they are just making up the numbers if they are required to compete against a sometime bloke with new bodywork.

The NHS is going to start asking male customers of breeding aga; or younger than 60; if they are pregnant, even though this is a physical impossibility for the male of the species. Yet another prime Xample of bullshit baffles brains.
   Also, 50% of police farces in England & Wales think that avoiding hurting the feelings of a rapist bloke who claims he's female is more important than the 'uman rights of the female complainant.
“One does get the impression that if everyone who is irrational & incompetent in a position of authority were to be dumped in the Corbin, then the unemployment rate would shoot up to about 27%” Hral Vaxt
“Let us not forget that the same sort of people as those who ran Stafford Hospital and Shrewsbury & Telford Hospital and all other disaster areas are also running the Home Office, the DVLA and everything else in government hands that doesn't work. Very little separates the Black Holes.” Laxative M. Bernous

The Metropolitan Police partygate fiasco is Xpected to cost the taxpayer £317,000 and raise £1,760 in fines.

++ 'Bollocks to Berko' deputy squeaker of Pakistan's parliament saves Putrid ally I. K'Han't from job-busting vote of no confidence ++ So much for democracy there ++

Stockport council's solution to the question of gender & public toilets is to demolish all public toilets to make the problem go away.

Q: If someone walks out of a Shakespeare play done in Yorkshire by a cast making a thing about doing it in Yorkshire accents, will the posing git get a refund of the ticket price?
A: Nay, lad. Wrong county for that sort of nonsense.
Q: What about an edited-bloke who enters a women's cycling championship?
A: It wasn't in Yorkshire but no cigar, said the sport's governing body, on yer bike!

Bloody Russians! Or was it the Chinese?
“I was sitting watching a recording of Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds last night when the lights went out at about 10 to eleven. Groped around, found a torch, just starting to get used to it when the lights came on again.
   “Put the torch back where it lives. Big mistake. Bang! The lights off again. But only for a couple of minutes. Alarms yelling their heads off up and down the street.
   “Decided to give up and go to bed. In the bathroom. In the dark suddenly. Ha! I had a torch in my pocket, so I was okay and ready for this short blackout. Just like the 1970s, according to a neighbour this morning.” Romiley Reggie

Not quite as it appears
China & Russia are moving forward to create a new, just, democratic world order?
• NEW spin on the old lies
• JUST for the benefit of China & Russia
• DEMOCRATIC with just one person in each country allowed to vote, Xi & Putrid.

The Chinese launched a massive cyber-attack on Ukraine's military & nuclear facilities just before the invasion began, revealing whose side they are on if it has ever been in doubt.

You have to wonder why the usual suspects are trying so hard to play the Poor Little Stinker card on behalf of Putrid the Poisoner. He's not some fairy princess who's stuck in an ivory tower, relying on what his minions tell him.
   If there's anyone in Putridstan who isn't subject to censorship & information deprivation, it's Putrid. He can go on the internet any time he likes to see Xactly what the situation is in Ukraine.
   No, his problem isn't that he has no idea what is really going on; he does. His problem is that he has no idea what to do about what's going on. And that's why his war of liberation is going down the plug hole.
“If the Chinese were ever worried about being attacked by Putrid, they won't be now. The Russian army can occupy territory with the willing co-operation of the locals but a fighting force? Forget it. Bombing & shelling civilians, fine. Fighting soldiers, no chance.” Gadam Gester

++ Two cups of tea with jam spilt in Kremlin ++ Infiltrating Ukrainian saboteurs blamed ++ Entire shift of cleaning staff sent to gulag in Siberia as 'necessary precaution' ++ UK President Doris Johnson handbags MacRon ++ Backsliding Frog & rest of EFU told to shape up ++ Sanctions must stay in place until Ukraine uninvaded & repaired ++

The FlyMo brand has been cancelled over fears that Xploding Islamists might assume that it is something to do with their prophet and take remedial action.

You can avoid heart disease. Bad News: You have to eat an avocado every bloody week.

More Bad News
The pop video of Dictator Kim of N. Korea larking about in shades & a leather jacket @ a missle launch was faked. The despot was real but the missle was a Type 15, not one of the ultra-advanced Type 17 ones. Mainly because they are still at the development stage and they have a habit of Xploding inconveniently seconds after leaving the ground.

Glasgow city council (SNP controlled) is trying to confect a link between the missionary Dr. D. Livingstone and slavery in pursuit of its looney left urge to be pointless, unfair and vexatious.

The Labour party wants to ration energy. Guess who will be in charge of deciding who gets any if Sirk Reepy gets his way.

“Putrid keeps claiming Russia is surrounded by enemies. Guess who created them.” Gan Davol

++ UNO exposed as cosmetic waste of time & money ++ Talk shop & lie factory only ++ No one surprised ++
“If there is no unity at the United Nations, why would the president of Ukraine, or anyone else, expect security from its Security Council?” Genral Qualters

Pointless Pillocracy
Complete the current survey for the Office of National Sadistics and you get a free £5 voucher. Well, that's the theory of it. But instead of just sending an e-voucher to the customer's email address, Professor I. Diamond, the bloke in charge, Xpects customers to go to his website and jump through a whole bunch of unnecessary hoops.
   The Prof. is clearly someone else who belongs in the Corbin.
“No wonder the NHS don't work. No wonder the Home Office can't give Ukrainian refugees a visa.” W.A. Shington

According to the Russian info source PokeIt, Putrid the Poisoner is nutz enuff to think that dunking himself in a bath full of blood Xtracted from deer antlers will keep him fit & well.
   Animal rights groups are outraged by this assault on deer populations, some of which are heading for zero if the mad dictator pursues his obsession for much longer and toadies start imitating him.
Reports that Putrid is clumping around in big fur boots in overheated rooms tend to confirm the PokeIt view that he has a wonky thyroid.

Ordinary Russians are so confident of Putrid's ability to start World War III that they are busy renting deep basements and filling them with food, bottled water, crosswords and anything else they think will help them wait out the coming nuclear holocaust.

Wee Burney Sturgeon [remember her? Ed.] is in deep horse hockey if Mad Mandy in the Sunday Post has spotted that there is the real world and Burney's not so marvellous wonderland of lies & obfuscation north of the border.

Q: How does the Chinese president get rid of people who look like they might be going places, including the place where he is?
A: He has them chucked out of his communist party & declared 'Xtremely despicable', something which is seen as an essential attribute in Russia.

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Bombay is trying for a world record with its refuse mountain, which is currently a massive 18 storeys high!

Despite gorbal warmage, the ski season in Scotland is enjoying a Big Finish. DoomBuggers north of the border are already predicting a summer drought!

Q: Should we be bovvered if ex-BBC chairman Lord Grade, now honcho of Ofcom, doesn't waste his day messing about with auntie-social meeja?
A: Not if he has minions who can do it for him and advise him. You don't expect the boss of a dairy to drive a milk float.
[Unless you're a member of the Vexatious Looneys Tendency, of course. Ed.]

Pillocracy gone mad—the UK to be covered with vastly cash-wasteful and fairly useless at providing energy wind farms, and totally useless at providing it according to demand and lotz of trees will be hacked down to make sure they get all the wind going. Including lotz of the ones which are supposed to be [but aren't, Ed.] saving The Planet from gorbal warmage.
   It's Boris Green Bollocks on steroids. They last only 15 years, they can't be recycled and they drink energy from the National Grid when the wind don't blow.
“Talking about pillocracy on steroids—the government goes for nuclear, 8 new nuclear power stations are built. But just before they are due to go on stream, after a century of pissing about, the nuclear fusion industry comes up with a workable system which makes nuclear fission reactors and windmills obsolete and wasted cash.” Sal O'Mander

Russian Diplomacy:
"Nice legs you've got there, mate. Shame if any of them got broken."

Q: Will putting calorie counts on menus make any difference to the o'besity crisis?
A: Not if the nag section contains BS like the average human should intake 2,000 kilocalories per day.
“Lots of eateries have been doing it voluntarily before it became compulsory for big chains yesterday. But this has had no noticeable effect on o'besity rates.” Jackny Colson

Q: Are the local council elections next month 'key', as we're being assured?
A: Of course, not! explains Sherri, our meeja correspondent.
   "The government will get kicked 'coz of the economy and all the crises, 'coz that's what happens in unimportant elections. Opposition parties will claim that gives them a mandate for their looney policies and ishues like "can a doxie have a dickie?" will be yelled about rather than the more sensible & vital ishue of competent local government."
[Which is something of an oxymoron anyway. Ed.]

Putrid the Poisoner is reported to be spending more & more quality time with his teddy bear. Unlike Prince Andrew, he thinks one big one will impress people more than lotz of little ones.

It's not just Putrid the Poisoner who can't get a straight answer from so-called Xperts. A former honcho of the Britisch Army is claiming that the invasion of Ukraine has beaten NATO, but the current boss of the Armed Forces claims it has made NATO stronger.
“In a sense, both are right. The unprovoked attack on Ukraine has revealed that there is a lot of dead wood in NATO but it has also pin-pointed where the dead wood is. Maybe if it is removed and maybe if NATO stops being shrunk down to Nato, maybe there will be a smidgeon of good out of Putrid's lunatic adventure.” L.G.R.

Some BBC Radio 4 bloke has been cancelled for the sin of woke conflation.

Is claiming in an advert that something is based on NASA technology necessarily a good thing given that the agency has a reputation for clunking? There was the deaths of 3 astronauts in the Apollo fire due to negligent wiring. Then the committee designed space shuttle got 14 more killed.
   The loss of Challenger was particularly unforgiveable if no one at NASA realized that rubber O-rings on the booster rockets would shrink if it was freezing at the Cape when they tried to do a launch. Some spectacular achievements, yes, but often more by guess & by God than through sound technology.

Sanctions are pushing the Russian economy back to the Soviet era, the Xperts reckon.

WEEK 2    Zapping life’s waterproof T-bags

 
Gone Guy
You know your mini-budget became a bombed turkey when your approval rating drops below that of A. Sharma, the president of the ludicrously irrelevant CON-job BeanFeast in Glasgow last November.
   Still, Chancellor Snack is no doubt hoping for a revival of his fortunes when the war in Ukraine is won and Boris is binned.

If the Chancellor's wife is suddenly fair game for the sin of being rich, even though she has done nothing disreputable or criminal, then the same has to apply to the wives of other politicians, including Mrs. Steamer.
   What sinister things has she been up to that we haven't been told about? Why is she wearing sinister shades? One law for everyone, not just envious Labour.
“That's typical Labour. They hate Mr. Snack 'coz he's made the effort to make something of himself, unlike the typical Labour layabout.” Bren Gatling

Prime example of unjoined thinking
Why is the Russian invasion of Ukraine stalled? Because Putin the Poisoner buys lotz of military stuff from Ukraine and because of sanctions & boycotts, that source of supply has dried up. Russian spivs firing missles at the factories which make their missles isn't helping any.
Suppliers of high-tech war kit, like the UK, are getting valuable feedback on the use of their products in actual battle conditions.

Circular Symmetry
In parts of Ukraine, Russians without food supplies are killing and eating dogs, and abandoned dogs are eating dead Russians.

Putinazis attacked Tel Aviv again yesterday.

Q: Is Newcastle being 1 deg.C warmer than Barcelona a big deal?
A: 13 deg.C vs 12 deg.C is still cold and nothing to get Xcited about. Unless you're a global warming fraudster, of course.

Not enuff NHS doctors & nurses to take blood samples? Give receptionists 6 weeks' training and turn them into phlebologists who can do the job. Pragmatic, or what!

Disposable barbeques are to be driven into Xtinction, ostensibly to cut the number of wildfires caused by the careless. Will it work? Probably not. Just like idiots can outwit any set of safety precautions devised by the cleverest of people, the careless can be hugely inventive when it comes to causing havoc.

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Just in case anyone was still wondering, that Z also stands for 'zombie'.

An edited bloke ain't no joke,
Unless he's slick and just taking the mick.
The female sex has a double X.
Men have a Y, which makes them a guy.
   What's so difficult to grasp about that?

Today’s Wisdom: You're having a tough time of things if you've used up your daily quota of the F-word before lunchtime.

Labour U-turn: someone has told the party's business bloke that energy rationing would be a disaster, given that it would have to be run by civil service wonks, who have no track record for getting things right.

Scoff at your peril
Poisoned pies presented to the invaders are reported to have killed 2 russian soldiers and put 28 more in hospital. Putinstani field hospitals are reported to be filling up with troops who have ended up there; over 500 at the last count; with severe alcohol poisoning after going crazy with looted liquor.

Masochism Tango
Anyone daft enuff to try to fly somewhere from Manchester's airport can look forward to waiting 6 hours in queues for the bureaucrazy. The boss of the airport, who got rid of hundreds of staff when the Chinese plague arrived and failed to replace them, has quit trailing some of the usual BS about family reasons.
“Setting an example for Jonah Burnham, Manchester's other failure, to follow?” Otto Paridj

Putrid is moving his war criminals to areas of Ukraine where they are likely to be wiped out to ensure that they can't testify @ the coming war crimes tribunals.

“What sort of fantasy land do the Labourites inhabit? The ones who think the boy Milipede [Edstone's bro, Ed.] would give up the millions he gets from the imitation International Rescue to be an MP again and Sirk Reepy Steamer's successor?” Maple White
“Just a simple outbreak of dedoplegic euphoria. Case solved.” John Roxton

“A sometime Archbish of York pontificates that Putrid will answer to God. Well, that's sure to bring his victims back to life and rebuild their homes and their lives.” B. Jork

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The russian wig industry is enjoying a boom time using hair shorn from the heads of Ukrainian women after they were kidnapped by the Putinazi army. Shame the poor buggers are on the receiving end of sanctions but hey, we can't have everything.

Q: Wen Duzzy?
A: The full phrase, referring to Putrid the Poisoner, is "Wen Duzzy drop dead".

The president of the Police Superintendents Association thinks that his members should be allowed to Shirk @ Home full-time on diversity grounds. Groan!
“Shame all the nation's criminals can't be confined to barracks, which would make his members surplus to requirements and off the gravy train.” Jet I. Sun
P. Botherington, who has been dismissed as arrogant, pompous & foolish, also wants coppers to chose whether or not they can be bothered to go to work and which hours they spend trawling the interweb to confect imaginary crimes.

XX only
You can make a claim to be a dame
but if you're not double-cross, you're facing dead loss.

Rap is Crap—you know it
“It can't be a coincidence that a criminal record in the Untied States is known as a rap sheet.” Oopadok Putrida

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It's not a sporting contest if people with an edited male body are allowed to compete against women.

FWW1 Week 3
Team Far Queue does it again in World Motor Entertainment Championship!
   A large swarm of colourful carnivorous moths swept on to the track at the start of the final lap of what had been a fairly dull and processional event. Both leading drivers took the sensible precaution of stopping short of the swarm as they would have ended up in a zone of zero visibility with mashed moths all over their windscreens.
   When they tried to move off again, the leader's engine would not fire; clogged with moth debris blown into it by a gusting head-wind; and the 2nd place man damaged his steering trying to manoeuvre past him. TFQ swept past both of them for another dramatic win. The scriptrotter had clearly saved up all his assets for a Really Big Finish.

“You pick up the phone and you hear what is obviously a recorded female voice and the first thing you think is it's a scam? A fake-Amazon attempt to do you for dosh? No, it turns out to be United Utilities telling you they know your water pressure is low and they're working to fix the problem. But when the message ends and the recroded voice rings off, you're still surprised you haven't been asked for your credit card details and the PIN to help them fix the problem!” Ord Lebem

Go out for a paper on Sunday morning and what do you get? The VrooomBuggers trying to do ninety through Romiley village now that the speed bumps have been removed. Does Jonah Burnham, our cosmetic GM mayor, have another solution on offer? No? Surprise!

Labour announces its new strategy—offering all potential customers a massive six impossible things before breakfast every single day of the week!
[Sounds like a definite election winner. Ed.]

Respect remains something which much be earned. It's not something that can be commanded, no matter what the looney left and their allies tell you.
“Do we respect Putrid the Poisoner? Or Ali Ali, the MP murderer? Like that's going to happen.” Ugo Fuego

8

   more nuclear reactors approved "by the end of the decade"?
   So no great rush, then?
   And another decade to build them?
   Will our supply of candles last 20 years?

The official list of symptoms for the Omigod2 version of the Chinese plague has been Xtended to include every burp, cough and niggle imaginable.
   This has been done in order to confect an enormously high national infection rate.
[Presumably in an attempt to create something else that can be offered as world leading. Ed.]

Perversity or Tragedy?
An outbreak of wonk madness in St. Blaise, Cornwall, has led the town council to ban daffodils because the members think children eat them and become poisoned.
   Xperts fear that the only cure would be to lock the council members in a dank cellar until they come to their senses.
   There is also a suspicion that, given its wilful state of denial, the council might have been infected by Putinazis with the same disease that keeps their leader in denial about the atrocities committed in his name in Ukraine.

Q: Are we still allowed to have a white-out during a blizzard and a black-out during a power cut?
A: For the moment, yes. But the confection industry is working hard to cancel both of them.

UK pension funds are being probed over making 'investments' which are only now judged to have helped to bankroll Putrid the Poisoner's assault on Ukraine.

Q: If it takes 3 weeks to get a doctor's appointment—on the phone—and the surgery has a sign reading 'New patients welcome', do you assume someone is taking the piss?
A: It's more likely that the GP isn't satisfied with the current customer list—including your good self—and hoping to acquire some better ones.

Today's Wisdom:
You're either one of the good guys, or you're fair game.

An alternative to taxation?
Chancellor Snack is embroiling the Royal Mint in a Non-Fungicidal Token scheme. NTFs take actual money off mug punters in return for a virtual (i.e. pretend) share of the ownership of a notional digital asset, e.g. an image or a musical work.
   The big advantage for the vendor of NFTs is that no actual tangible assets are involved and there is never anything the mug punter can lock up in a bank vault and actually own.

Brat-busting
The tennis twats are to be stomped upon. Those who behave like spoilt brats and threaten injury to officials & ballpersons via reckless racketing are to be fined heavily and made to stand on a public naughty step until they learn how to behave like responsible adults.
[That's adults who behave responsibly, not adults who are responsible for dragging the sport into the gutter. Ed.]
   Managers and attendant relatives may also be subject to the naughty step sanction for failing to chastise the twats for letting the side down.

An audit has found that the SNP & Labour in Scotland have chopped £250 MILLION off the budget for libraries under their joint agenda of treating local communities with contempt.

The Russian army is calling up 60,000 reservists from ethnic minorities to reduce the casualty figures for real Russians.

Does anyone give the proverbial rattenkranz about the government's plan to move Channel Four off the books and into the private sector?
“Does anyone ever watch it now?
“p.s. The Beeb next?” Nemed Leno

Today's Complaint:
"There was no transperacy." Wow!

Putinazi saboteurs blocked a road in Sandiacre, Derbyshire, a week ago by making a transporter loaded with McVitie biscuits shed its cargo all over the highway. There was the usual chaos for 7 hours before the traffic flow continued. The police are Xpecting more of the same.
An alternative theory has emerged that it was a protest against the rotten treatment dished out by the current owner of the once respected biscuit firm to employees, now former, in Scotland.
   If so, the result of the next ambush will be exactly the same—biscuits all over the place, traffic @ a standstill and coppers looking on for several hours but not actually doing much.
Xperts are more of the opinion that it was a one-off incident and the alternative theory is just another stream of archytypee.

Why are countries on Putrid's side still getting aid from the Britisch taxpayer? Why are we still funding the space programmes of India & China? No answer forthcoming.
“If sanctions & asset freezes can be dropped into place at the blink of an eye, failure to address the overseas aid scandal has to be a deliberate policy.” Barney Hof

Gulp! The looney left Twatter now has Marsman Musk on its board of directors after he bought just 9% of the business. Is it suddenly going to become unwonk & relevant? Is that even possible for an organization so looney?
“Does anyone really care if the twits continue to rot in their self-dug twat pit?” Vinter Mangle

Where Chancellor Snack went wrong
He bogged up by chucking a mass of cash @ the terminally wonky NHS instead of fixing its wastefulness and getting the morons doing the wastage sacked.
   Shame he's not bright enuff to see that raising taxes when there's a war going on at the fringes of civilized Europe is a blunder of epic proportions.
   No doubt his attention is distracted by the assault on his wife's reputation by Sirk Reepy Steamer, who has yet to divulge details of what his shades-wearing, sinister wife is up to.

The Law’s Paydays
Ali Ali was found guilty of killing the MP Sir D. Amess on Monday. Why no sentence until Wednesday? It took the jury 18 minutes to see through the bollocks he offered as his defence—probably including 16 minutes going to and from the jury room. What was stopping the judge from bunging on the black cap and telling Ali to go to gaol and never come out again, and next case please?

Some Smert for Putrid
What we need is a force field to separate Russia & China from the rest of us. China has blighted our lives & our economy with its plague. Putinstan is doing the same with its assault on Ukraine. We don't need either of them.

Is there any hope of transparency about what Labour figures are up to if they insist on keeping the Shades of Influence firmly in place as a barrier to access?
“There is definitely no hope of Labour ever doing honesty and abandoning weaponized sleaze.” Pern Bruck

Actor person W. Smith Xcused being at the boring O'scars for 10 years for clobbering a wiseguy a little bit? Sounds well worth all the acting he had to do afterwards.
Another tolchok in 2032 to be Xcused for life?

“Re: the Cornish daffodil ban. If it wasn't for local government, the unemployment stats would be permanently bogged down with hundreds of thousands of people incapable of holding down a job requiring 2 or more functioning brain cells.” Mal Practice

Q: Cmep(pi)?
A: It's a variation of Smersh, which is a contraction of the Russian expression "Smert Shpionam" or "Death to Spies". It became famous as the moniker of a bad guy gang tackled by superslayerspy James Bond (Britisch). Smerp substitutes Putrid for spies.

Is it deliberate or does she just not care?
Another of Wee Burney Sturgeon's long list of failures—a refusal to offer pregnant women the potentially life-saving pre-eclampsia tests, which have been approved by NICE south of the border and available 'free' to NHS customers. Wherever the eyes are, it's not on the ball and her customers ain't pleased. Not one little bit. Regime change due?
Something else Wee Burney's gang has bogged up is equipping police forces with laptops. As a result, the police system north of the border is in meltdown due to lock-in, when coppers had to manage with whatever hard-copy documents they happened to have and they had no access to electronic files.
And the pair of £92M ferries, which will cost over £400M and be delivered maybe a decade late. Remember them? Work hasn't even started on the on-shore bunkers for the LPG, which they will use as well aa diesel fuel. And the Xperts doubt if they will ever be built.
   To blame for the shambles is Wee Burney, who thinks Scotland is ready to function as an independent nation.
And the engines for the ferries, which were bought & delivered 5 years ago, have never been tested and they are out of warranty if they don't work.
Something else not happening is a proper investigation of the two disastrous fires, which wrecked the iconic Glasgow School of Art. Ready for independence? Really?

If you live in South Yorkshire and your tapwater starts tasting odd, blame the broadbanders. Fibre-optic cables are to be threaded through water mains as an alternative to digging trenches for them and all sorts of gak from the interweb is liable to leak out into the drinking water. Reducing water wastage by over 50% is part of the selling plan for the scam.

Mr. Snack, the Chancellor, is in real trouble if his popularity level has descended to a massive 4 points lower than Sirb Eery's miserable rating.
“The only reason Labour wants Mrs. Snack to pay more tax is so that they can plunder it with dodgy expenses claims.” Morgan Lesser

BP Petrol in Romiley today is 161.9p/litre
Diesel is 174.9p/litre, was 184.9p/litre at the beginning of week 5 in March.

Kreepy Pantz of Kontrol vs
   Sinister Shades of Influence?
Sirk Reepy Steamer is under siege over his policy of attempting to confect rows over irrelevant ishues to deflect attention from his lack of ideas for digging us out of the current economic Brown Hole. Other than grabbing more in taxes to hand to his customers, of course.
   There is also the ishue of the failure of the police to give him a fine for socialist boozing during lock-in and his rank hippocrisy about it.
“Envious socialists, any old Xcuse. Dregs of The Universe.” Igor Blimey
“How much does his wife earn—or how much is she paid— and what does she spend it on? If Labour has made the wives of politicos unfair game, Mrs. Sir Steamer has to be top of the revelations list.” I. Senbahn
“It's breathtaking hypocrisy, to quote the man himself, for Sirk Reepy to claim his allies are not behind weaponizing leaks about people who haven't broken the law. And such trivial sums. £20M in the context of a government which wastes hundreds of BILLIONS of pounds is as irrelevant as the UK's contribution to global carbon dioxide emissions compared with those of China, India, Russia, the Untied States, etc.” Franq Fert

Chancellor Snack has acquired the title of Most Sleazed Politician in the UK, displacing President Boris. Looney left politicians and their lackeys in looney left meeja have confected more enough BS to sink one of Putridstan's biggest battleships about a man who is more than paying his way—as is his family.

Unsurprisingly, looney left NHS managers are opposing Xcluding men from female wards.
“On the one hand, it should be incredible that NHS managers are ordering staff to lie to customers about the presence of rapist edited males in female wards. But on the other, the public sector is such a haven for wonks, some downright evil, that such perversity can be seen as obligatory.” Kort Nilreh

The government's strategy for energy has been unveiled. It will be 95% nuclear plus occasionals by 2030. And so loaded with Green Bollocks subsidies that it will be unaffordable for everyone but the very rich and MPs. As a result, one modest nuclear power station and a handful of wind farms will be sufficient to provide for the entire nation.

The wonky Blob plans to wonk up Latin with trigger warnings, make schoolkids translate cheesy pop songs into Latin and bin authentic Latin texts? Wonderbloodyfull.
“Only an idiot would think that translating pop songs into Latin is a brilliant idea. Hang on. It came from the looney left The Blob? No surprise, then,” O. Derneißer

Do your bit for the Ukrainian war effort New to the Despot BoggoRollo™ range 14 different designs to choose from A donation to refugee relief funds made from every sale GUARANTEED! Don't let the Putinazis get away with it! Romiley Specialities, 163 Riverside Drive

Pakistan's flailing leader, I. K'han't, has been forced to borrow the remains of the tattered Poor Little Stinker card that has been done to death by his best mate, Putrid the Poisoner.
   In his attempts to klingon to power, he convinced the in-his-pocket speaker of the Pakistani parliament to neutralize it to make a no-confidence vote go away. His opponents did not giving up, however.
Democracy prevailed for once, Mr. K'Han't can't be the prime monster any more. But he'll probably be back after he's had a good sulk.

A bit of snow around? No, its detached apple blossom, there not long before the leaves arrive. Lots & lots of it.

Sirk Reepy Steamer for being no more than an opportunist hippocrite with friends in the police, who are keeping him from being fined for breaches of lock-in regulations. The Pantz of Kontrol will be incinerated and the ashes consigned to landfill. His exile will remain in force until he quits Parliament and starts doing something useful for a living.
[Actually, that sounds like an impossibility. Ed.]

Private schools don't make their customers happier in their 20s than state schools, wonks @ Cambridge U. reckon. Which misses the point of schooling entirely. It's to educate the customers, not amuse them, you wonks.

What's stopping Ukrainian refugees from getting digs in the UK? The nit-picking of the Local Government Association, which is throwing every road block it can confect into the way.

Aid for Ukraine = 3% of the billions the EFU contributes to Putrid's economy.
Angular Mherkel, the discarded boss of Germany who grew up as a communist stooge in the East, is getting the blame for creating this mess.

Q: Can women have penises?
A: No, the rule is one todger per customer so penises, plural, is out.
“You realize that denying real & faux women multiple todgers is spitting in the face of plurality?” Prem Ontario
[Oh, dear. How sad. Never mind. Ed.]

Q: "It's only live once"— but eleven what?
A: We're not sure that cute but meaningless slogans are intended to be read as a mixture of Englisch and Spanisch.

Never their fault
Now that the deposed prime monster of Talibanistan, I. K'han't, has finished with it, President MacRon of France is playing the tattered Poor Little Stinker card blagged from Putin the Poisoner. It's Putrid's assault on Ukraine that's making MacRon unpopular back home, not his toadying to Putrid and his other multitudinous failings.

A grasp on reality continues to be eluded
Attempts to decriminalize crimes in the Untied States have stalled. Cutting police budgets has led to a surge in crime, the criminal 'community' is waving its guns with a sense of entitlement and police-involved shootings are at unusually high levels.
   This state of affairs is Xpected to continue until the US public acknowledges that the rule of law applies to everyone, even minorities.

Notice me again, Purleeeese!
The Putinazi assault on Ukraine has made no friends amid the global warming swindlers at the UNO. They are chewing carpets and demolishing them at a tremendous rate over the lack of attention paid to their 'final' warning on gorbal warmage [if only it were, Ed.] and making more and more demands for even bigger wodges of other people's cash.

This week, Marsman Musk is ahead of Amazonian J.B. Zoss in the richest man in the world stakes.

Someone has slapped Pixie Balls-Cooper, the refugee's friend, round the back of the head and told her to get trolling. The Shades of Influence cracking down on slackers?

Espèce de Putin!
No doubt the people who got the benefit of the £15 MILLION the Boy Beckham's boy & supporters blew on his wedding were overjoyed to get the business. And wot business is it of the NozyBugger Tendency how they spend their dosh?

Will an inquiry spot the self-righteous envious socialist who put the Chancellor's wife's private tax affairs up for trolling for impure political motives? Not if more of the same are doing the lick & spit and "Nothing to see, Gov." apology for an investigation.

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WEEK 3    Putin the ‘con’ into conundrum

 
Today's Revelation:
Samoans are originally from ancient Greece. That's why they're called Ouzos.

(A): The Russian flagship of the Black Sea fleet, the Moscva, hit by 2 aptly named Neptune sea-skimmer missles built in Ukraine using Russian designs, set on fire & sunk.
(B): The flagship of the Russian Black Sea fleet is so crap that it caught fire, the ammunition store went up and it sank.
[Take your pick. Ed.]

The trade union Unite has been the target of multiple raids by the police & HMRC staff. Noises are being made about fraud, bribery & money laundering. Unite premises across England & Wales have been done over big time.
Lest we forget, Unite's Labour-donor management spent £100 million of members' dosh on building a hotel worth £20-some million.

Neutral, Schmeutral
Putinazis in the Irish Republic are expected to hold more events in support of their fave despot over the Easter weekend, following the failure of the Irish government to do anything about their rampaging around in convoys and posturing last weekend.

The suspect busted for Tuesday's @ random shooting episode on the New York subway @ Brooklyn is of colour, and therefore Xpected to get away with it because of that.

Bin The Blob
Students need to see themselves in their textbooks, some Cantab wonk called Hunt [sounds like the first line of a limerick! Ed.] reckons. Kids learning Latin need stories about Romans who are worried about climate change & colonialism & pluralism.
   Wot cobblers!
“How do you 'see yourself' in a maths text book? With great difficulty. Good job it's not something any normal person Xpects.” Kalash Nikov

A Nit Award goes to S. Glover, newspaper pontificater, for his contention that a smear carries an imputation of untruthfulness. He should know that in the world of politics, smearing is presenting facts in a way calculated to generate envy & hatred in the minds of the unreasonable & the unreasoning & opportunists.
   He can't be much cop at his job if he don't know that. Unless he's being deliberately obtuse as a way of endorsing smears.

Ofsted, the schools inspector, has started to notice at long last which of them teach looney left notions as facts and downgrading them. How soon before 'highly unsatisfactory' becomes the top of the league table rating? Can't be all that long.

Self-deluding, or what!
Wonkiness is not confined to the UK. In the USA, there are fossilologists in North Dakota who believe that they have found the leg of a dinosaur which was killed hours after that asteroid formed the crater @ Chicxulub in what is now Mexico 65 million years ago.
   Yeah, sure they have.

“If edited men are allowed to compete against real women, then ALL edited women should be OBLIGED to compete against real men in some sport assigned to them by a random selection process in the name of plurality. No Xcuses accepted!” Avin A. Laff
“What would be brilliant would be an intelligence test covering the basics of life, which anyone who wants to become an MP must pass with flying colours. Then we might be spared idiots like D. Butler (Labour, natch) who thinks babies are born without a biological sex.” Charles Zech

“After reading about all the nit-picking that council jobsworths are doing to prevent people in the UK from giving a refuge to someone from Ukraine, you have to wonder which is worse, a jobsworth or a putinazi? Institutional vs deliberate evil. Too close to call has to be the judgement.” Conran Isotope
“The putinazis are killing Ukrainians. The jobsworths are giving them the torture of 1,000 niggles.” Oscar Pajoska

Remember that fleet of mobile crematoria the Putinazis took to Ukraine?
As well as sending their own dead up in smoke to avoid embarrassing body bags arriving in Russia, the Putinazis are vanishing the bodies of civilians who were tortured, mutilated & murdered in occupied territory to remove evidence of their multiple war crimes.

Q: One of President MacRon's slogans is "Allez vous". What does that mean?
A: With 'en' understood, it means "Push off!"

“There's one rule for the rich and another for the scroungers. Strange we never hear the accurate version from the looney left parasite class and their stooges in the House of Expenses Swindlers.” Scorcha Dallas

One rule for the rachelists . . .
The BLAME Gorbal Network has felt the urge to splurge. So that's $6 MILLION of the dosh donated by the deluded splurged on a massive mansion in California for use as a rest home for the network's thought controllers.
“Maybe the Floyd family will use some of their $27 MILLION to buy the mansion next door.” Wat Supdoc
“Where's the other $236 MILLION gone that they blagged over the last couple of years? Down the necks of, and into the pockets of, the usual suspects?” Mo Lee Hamsted

V.V. Putrid, thief, liar, poisoner & walking corpse.
Hurry on sundown.
“Peoples are not evil, only their leaders and those of the people who do evil for their leader.” Imogine Whoar

Apparently, Dockson of Dick Green has been binned to spend more time with her millions for failure. Anyone noticed a difference? No? Bunch of unobservant sods!

Innuendo: the political martial art of sleazing.

Russian army looters stole highly radioactive materials from laboratories at Chernobyl to sell on the black market. They probably Xposed themselves to such dangerous levels of radiation ignorantly that they could be dead before the year is out.
   Oh, dear. How sad. Never mind.

There are perks for rich people to use to hang on to some of their wealth. If these rules didn't Xist, rich people would go elsewhere and take their wealth with them.
   By attacking people who use these rules completely legitimately, Labour, the SNP and other scrounger parties are seeking to impoverish their worst-off customers.
   Anyone who votes for the envy-spreaders in next month's council elections and ends up worse off will blame everyone else but themself.
   Oh, dear. How sad. Never mind.

Today's Message:
Get yourself into a traffic jam. Do it for the tourist industry!

Double think still compulsory in Putridstan
The Putinanzis have release a video of the crew of the scuttledship Moskva (flagship, sunk) meeting the head of the Russian Navy before its last voyage to o'blivion in the Black Sea to pretend that they all survived.
   Also on offer are pix of the ship moored @ its base, apparently undamaged, despite an admission that is it now an adventure playground for fish & crabs.
   Also on offer is a ban on President Boris and a dozen Cabinet ministers going to Putinstan. Like they'd want to.

The Secretary of the United Nations Organization, General A. Guterres (Portuguese), is collecting a lot of flak for being (a) an invisible person of no consequence and (b) a useless figurehead whilst Russia is trying terminate Ukraine on spurious Poor Little Stinker grounds.

Putin battered prisoners on TV for propaganda purposes is a clear breach of the Geneva Convention. Not something Putinazis subscribe to, however.

A nation reels in shock!
. . . at the sight of some coppers actually stopping giving cups to tea to Gloopy Warmage Fools and starting to bust the arses of some of them for getting in the way.
   Is this a sign that the nation's police farces have remembered what they are paid to do? Or just some isolated incidences of coppers getting bored and busting some bad guys to pass the time?

The price of fanaticism
Britain's biggest child birth charity, which blags a million quid per year from the taxpayer, is still pushing the natural birth agenda which has been killing NHS customers for at least 20 years.
“If the alleged regulator, the Care Quality Commission, doesn't care and has no quality of standards & performance itself, why would you Xpect a charity to have any?” Vosyem Gai

Want an Xcuse for being o'bese? Blame it on believing the calorie count info printed on ready meal packaging, which is always 4-46% lower than the actual value.

Q: Why are there no non-doms in the shadow cabinet?
A: Because they're all deadlegs who couldn't gain any advantage from it.

Z & Dead!
Whilst Putrid the Poisoner is having KGB stooges arrested to use as scrapegoats, his conscript army is doing the same scraping job with failing commanders in Ukraine.
   Around 43 officers of the rank of lieutenant-colonel and above—including generals—have been written off and the percentage cancelled by their own troops remains a matter of hot dispute by the Kremlin's fake news merchants.
Ordinary Russians are unhappy about the 15,000 plus rank & file terminated thanks to Putrid in Ukraine. But since when did any politician anywhere listen to the customers? Especially in a dictatorship.

Putrid the Poisoner is threatening to invade Finland, a long-term target for Russian aggression, and also allegedly neutral Sweden if they dare to apply to join NATO in the interests of national protection against a psychopathic and downright dangerous neighbour, which is threatening to use nuclear weapons.

Is £5,000 an energy price 'cap'? Try telling that to the people on the old style pension of £141/week, which is £40/week less than the new pension offered for making 62% of the oldies' National Insurance contributions. As a cap, it's a fantasy unrelated to real life.

“How does the First Meenister of Wee Burneystan walk into a barber's shop to do some plague-spreading glad-handing unmasked 'accidentally'? Total bollocks, completely pathetic Xcuse for not collecting a fine. Typical of what the SNP has become.” Roman Ackley

Today's Definition:
Fibrary—an archive for election leaflets.

++ Archbishes of Cantab & York exposed as looney lefties & institutionally wonk ++ Played politics instead of doing relevant Easter messages ++ The sack for both on the cards? ++
[Maybe a couple of celestial thunderbolts Ed.]

“If an archbishop claims he knows what his god is thinking about illegal entrants & bogus asylum seekers, he needs shipping to the funny farm without delay.” Eve Hoe
“Welby on the side of the people traffickers? How very ungodly of him!” Amin Barast
“You really have to be desperate to be noticed to claim that the government came up with shipping illegal entrants & actual asylum seekers to Rwanda just to distract attention from partygate. Slushtag ^PretheticPlonquer.” Elsa Poppin

The BIG problem for the NHS is that it's run by failed Labour spin doctors, who have no notion of consumer service. These are people who think, like J. Goebbels did, that if they tell BIG lies often enuff, the mug punters will believe them and accept that the shambles that is NHS management is nothing to do with the uselessness of the people who are overpaid to run it.

Something as dreadful as the NHS situation is the double think required by The Blob, which has taken over the world of education. It requires all pupils to parrot their line that white people are to blame for everything 'coz they're fundamentally evil to pass the Blogaganda exams that let them break free of The Blob of Falsehood.
“Sounds like the next film in the Harley Porter series will have to be called something like: Harley Porter & the Blob of Falsehood.” Open Zashlogal
“Or we could get a Lord of the Rings confection called The Hobbit: The Desolation of Falsehood.” Vin Aghar

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++ Mhegan the Merciless sneaks in & out of country like thief in night ++ Obviously knows how popular she is here ++ Did she deliver more legal threats to those who made bullying accusations? ++ All suspiciously quiet on that front ++

Q: Why is theGrauniad so dead against exporting real & bogus asylum seekers & uninvited migrants to Rwanda?
A: Because a lot of its readers make a mint of money out of the migration & asylum rackets and theGroaner doesn't want to upset paying customers, even at the cost of wasting the taxes paid out by hard-working families.
“You just have to look at who's yelling loudest about sending uninvited migrants to Rwanda to know it's a great idea!” Fahr Quinell
“It's not possible to criminalize illegal entrants, as the looneys claim. By coming here uninvited, they have made themselves into criminals.” Onva Conse

Cash-flow compromised
Global warming fraudsters are looking on in despair as all the cash they were promised @ the COP-out Beanfeast in Glasgow last November goes up in smoke due to the need to deal with the fallout from Putridstan's invasion of Ukraine.
   Shame all that outrage can't be directed @ Putridstan and put to some useful use.

Are the actions of members of the Law Society who frustrate attempts to evict illegal immigrants (a) politically motivated? (b) fuelled by greed tor taxpayers' cash? (c) both?
   Take your pick.

No Escape
The government in Wee Burneystan is in disarray. A professor @ Edinburgh U., who specializes in public health ishues, has warned Wee Burney that the public inquiry into her handling of the Chinese plague epidemic will not be allowed to become a cover-up.
   All the ghastly failures need to be Xposed and put on record as well as any triumphs.
“The professor's credentials appear to be as full of holes as any other Xpert's, and her wrong guess count is also as high as any DoomBugger's.” Prah Gnatic

“No unmasked fine for Wee Burney after her unjustifiable invasion of a barber shop? Isn't it great when you've got the police in your hip pocket!” Bukka Tea

What does the teaching trade want? No more Ofsted & the freedom to be as wonk as it is possible to be.
   See that dark cloud on the horizon?
   That's your future; or lack of it; when the iggorant and superwonk take over the world.

They are growing caviar in a lab @ University College London with not a sturgeon in sight. Which will create another niche market for snob suppliers.
   A fiver for a 500 gramme tin of the artificial stuff for the common herd, 100 times as much for a 125 gramme tin of yer actual fisch caviar.

Q: What were NHS surgeons who didn't do cancer and hip operations during the lock-in phases of the pandemic doing?
A: Nose jobs and boob inflation in private sector hospitals.
[Keeping busy, then. Ed.]

A seat on the board ain't enuff for Marsman Musk. He's thinking about taking over the whole Twatter show, is the story.
The bosses of Twatter don't want to be tooken over & de-wonked and they are preparing a Musk Bomb poison pill to discourage him.

++ In China's pocket boss of WHO goes to 1st resort of scoundrel ++ Calls all the attention Putrid's assault on Ukraine is getting 'ray sist' ++ What bollocks ++

The current bosses of Virgin Meeja, whoever they are, are trying to get enuff male employees to pretend to be women to let them pretend that they have 50% each of women & men. Or something like that.

It comes as no surprise to find that this year's entries for the grossly enludicrated Turner Preis are a load of the usual silly rubbish with a cherry on top.
   No doubt J.M.W. has given up as a bad job, rotating in his grave.

The Subway Shooter in New York has been Xposed as a well-known nutter as well as of colour, so getting away with it is his only possible direction.

Lest we forget, today is Adolf Hitler’s birthday and we have Putinazis on the rampage going west instead of east.
Wot a wonderful world.

HUTAgonians as far as the eye can see
“We have a rogue dictatorship kicking lumps off a neighbouring country, we have all sorts of cost of living & energy prices & bogus asylum seeker crises. But the Westminster Bubble has its head stuck firmly up its own arse over partygate.
   “Slushtag: ^Wasteoffuckingtimethelotofthem” Roh Yabote

Q: These HUTAgonians—how do they do it? Do they bend over backwards or is it a forward tuck?
A: Frankly, who cares?

++ Resignation of Opposition leader demanded after 'shameful' display in Commons ++ Too much beer drunk during lengthy Easter break? ++ Further accusations of police playing politics ++ 'Curious' that only Tories fined ++ Why no Beergate investigation despite clear evidence of criminality? ++ Wot about Wee Burney 'getting away with it'? ++

Q: Are the police blatantly politicized?
A: How many looney lefties have been whacked with a fine for illegal boozing @ excessive gatherings?
[Clue: none. Ed.]

“Memo to the British Red Cross – Rwanda isn't half-way round the world from the UK. That's just emotive sloppy thinking by the intellectually bankrupt.” Bay Cananeg
“Exporting illegal entrants & bogus asylum seekers to nice, warm Rwanda will prevent them from falling into fuel poverty. But will there be any gratitude from them? Sure, there will.” Bakter Real
The Evil Left is up in arms @ having attention deflected from the nonsense of partygate to a real ishue.
“What's really prethetic is sticking the 'world first' label—now thoroughly discredited—on sending uninvited migrants to Rwanda.” Gorrie Zontal
“Something else prethetic is the way the Evil Left are having a go at the President of Rwanda for bigging it up. If you're running a successful country, that's one of the perks. But, of course, the looney left know nothing about running a successful country.” X. Ponential
“That Welby bloke got far too much attention. The Church has decayed from major oppressor to just another vexatious minority. He may have a fancy outfit and unlimited access to the meeja but he is NOT the Voice of the Nation.” Katta Pilar

The more cash the government throws as the managerially defective Brown Hole of the NHS, the longer waiting times get, surveys have found. And the worse the service delivered becomes. Is there a pattern evident here?

The Uncaring No-Quality Commission rates 42% of NHS maternity services in England as 'probably unsafe'. No improvement is Xpected anytime soon.
[Don't get old, don't get sick, don't get pregnant. Or you could be in real trouble. Ed.]

Q: What sort of pay does a marital abuse counsellor get and what sort of a headbanger goes looking for advice on the best ways to zonk their sometime significant other with a hefty dose of marital abuse?
A: (1) Enuff dosh to make your eyes water. (2) Faded celebs trying to get themselves noticed again.

Kinder Surprise chocolate eggs made in Belgium come with an Xtra surprise this year—the chance of a dose of salmonella poisoning.

“The looney left keep claiming that the people in line for shipment to Rwanda are traumatized refugees when 90% of them turn out to be draft-dodging young men and economic migrants.
   “How strange that politicians don't get that long Xperience has taught people how to spot when their story is a deliberate lie—especially if they keep repeating it. All this does is make people wonder what else they are lying about and reluctant to believe anything at all they're told by kitty-litter politicians.” Walker Shoe

Channel 4 is being condemned as a toxic place to work because it has too many white wonks in charge of it and not enuff of colour wonks. And the wonks they have spend more time moaning about diversity than doing anything useful.
[Sounds like a tactic to drive down the price when it's sold off. Ed.]

This Week's Wonked-Up Book:
Moby-Penis or, The Whale by Hisorher(wo)man Melville.

Q: SNFTM?
A: Situation Normal (for the moment).

The Austrian Kanzler has reported that he has met the enemy, who has lost all contact with reality. Putrid the Poisoner thinks he pre-empted a Blitzkrieg assault on Putinstan from Ukraine and that everything about his invasion is going fine, on target and one time.

Putrid is having to call up his version of the Hitler Jugend to fill in for all the conscript troops killed & damaged by his attempt to conquer Ukraine.

Doshan is as doshan does
According to the wonks running Marks & Sparks, people with no clothes on are no longer 'in the nude', they are 'in the rose quartz' or 'in the opaline'.
   Some clown has got hold of the idea that 'nude' applies only to white people and the word has to be cancelled on plurality grounds.
   No wonder the share price is sinking.

Radio 3, the former Classical music station, is so desperate for relevant programme material that the director has felt obliged to fall back on half an hour of a Labrador dog doing heavy breathing and a bit of barking to fill up the air-time.

Civil service to be hit by Shirk @ Home pay cuts?
Should any confirmation have been needed, a survey of the public sector reveals that most civil servants are skivers. They are shirking @ home, still getting salary adjustments for travelling to an office and not doing the work they would have been doing were they in an office and under surveillance.

The Home Sec., P. Flamingo (according to Little John), is confident that the EFU will pick up on her plan to export uninvited migrants and genuine asylum seekers, and that fairly soon, the EFU waxworks will be claiming that they gave her the idea.

Predictably, current & former Home Office mandarins are against the plan because yet again, a Home Sec. who takes no nonsense from them, has obliged her minions to get up off their fat arses and do a bit of work for a change.

It takes more than the truth to set you free
President Creaky Joe has been backed into a corner and forced to confront reality. That's why he has finally realized that Putinazis are bad guys and Ukraine needs military hardware, and lots of it, to survive.
   Time now for Sergeant Schultz and whoever ends up as president of France [prolly MacRon again, Ed.] to pull their weight instead of sitting on their hands.

Public Service Announcement He's been called the Blogger of the Decade His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

WEEK 4    Putin the ‘grim’ into pilgrimage to Ukraine

 
Meaningless Apology Not Enough
The Gov. of the Bonk of England and his entire staff of managers have been forced to resign after the Ludicrous Wonk Tendency dug out records showing that the Bank once owned 598 slaves in the Caribbean 250 years ago as a result of their previous owner defaulting on a loan.

Our local MP, W. Wragg, inciter of the now Xtinct Wragged Wrevolution, remains stuck in the ranks of HUTAgonians, spending his days making meaningless apologies for the fine dumped on President Boris by the politics-playing Metropolitan Police instead of doing anything remotely useful.
   He claims to die a little inside every time he does one of his pointless apologies. Might we wish him a rapid end to his suffering and a speedy departure?

“It's obvious opposition parties are making such a thing of President Boris' fine as a distraction from their own crimes against humanity. Despite the best efforts of the looney left meeja, we know they've been getting away with it with the connivance of the police.” Kneil Sin
“Also a distraction from their lack of solutions to all the problems facing the government and the rest of us.” X. Pensive

There is a theory flying around that Britain will soon have no history. Everything achieved by dead white males is being cancelled by BLAME Bunchers and the Ludicrous Wonk Tendency, which leaves, well, nothing much!

Today's Myth:
Abram O'vich is running dangerously short of ready cash.

Talking about myths . . .
Prince Hairy's scriptrotters seem to have pulled out all the stops for his latest piece of NeatFlix Nonsense. They had him claiming that his granny thinks he's the only person in the world she can trust and he's ever ready with his little gun to protect her.
   Who needs real life with fantasies like this flying around?

Pampered supermodels face Xtinction. The frock trade has realized that it would be cheaper to get robots to parade ludicrous outfits on a catwalk, and there would be less back-chat, fewer tantrums and more reliability from machines. And dumping the defective ones would be a lot easier.

Despite all the cosying up to Putrid the Poisoner done by Pres. MacRon, the French regime has confishcaked a €110 million Riviera mansion belonging to Putridian Abram O'Vich. How two-faced can you get?
[A lot more than that. Ed.]

Putin the Poisoner's definition of 'liberated':
Not one stone standing atop another.

Z, and he’s dead!
Finland is wondering whether to respond to the threats of violence from Putridstan by applying to join NATO. The hope is that Putrid the Poisoner will get so furious when the news finally filters through to him that he will blow a fuse and croak on the spot.
A co-ordinated application from Sweden, which is also getting veiled threats of invasion, might just do the trick!

Next Honcho will have Zero Expectations of Success
The successor to Dockson of Dick Green will have to deal with a police farce which is at least as crooked as its customers, is the new perceived wisdom for the Polis of the Metrolopis.
   All a legacy of the rot that set in during the corrupt new labour years, and which has been allowed to flourish through this century.
“The Met, the House of Common Criminals—both confect any old Xcuse not to do anything worthwhile. A strike of taxpayers to get their attention when their cash stops flowing? Could work.” Prog Nosis

Curse of the iggorant minority
Britain is sitting on 50 years worth of shale gas and it's only green bollocks merchants who are stopping the nation from getting the benefit of it.
   Maybe an extension of the treason law to include deliberate economic sabotage is necessary as a matter of urgency.

President pro tem MacRon of France, who is likely to be returned to office as a busted flush, has had to resort to all sorts of dress-up tricks to make his rival look old and frumpy and mumsy.
   His latest wheeze is an accessory which no active female person would ever consider wearing . . .

When did they ask the rest of us about this?
NASA is getting a booting from Xperts based in Oxford over a plan to beam a message into space. NASA wants to dish out information on where to find Earth & what sort of life it hosts.
   The Xperts reckon that the info is most likely to end up in the hands of alien Putinazis, who will zap the occupants of a potentially useful world, and NASA should just keep quiet.

North Korea has stopped issuing official videos of its alleged new missle test launches so that foreign devil spoilsports can't spot that the rocket is an old one with a new paint job, not something brand new & Earth-shattering.

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If you have a Russian flag, big or small, you are invited to contribute it to an Incendiary Condemnation Event to be held on Monday, May 9th, Putinstan's official Day of Shame.

The nation's police, ever eager for an Xcuse to avoid doing the boring old job of fighting crime, are lobbying for 'looking at someone a bit peculiar' to be made a criminal offence. Which will give them an Xcuse to park in front of CCTV footage with a cup of tea and a box of biscuits instead of doing any useful work.

++ Captain Underpants (a.k.a. C. Bryant, MP) pontificates about spying ++ Arab countries, Cypriots & Indians using Israeli malware to spy on us (alleged) ++ Impact lost—it was 2 years ago ++

insert picture of President Boris using pocket phone so thick readers will kno what the story is about.

The management of the NHS has arranged a 'winter in spring' beds crisis for their customers. Wunderbar!

Q: The NHS now has more bed-blocking customers stuck in hospitals that Chinese plague cases—what to do?
A: Send them to Rwanda?

“It's all about the money. Hence the moans @ Wimbledon from tennis unions about the ban on stooges from Russia, Red & White.” Peter Terrible

FWW1 Week 4
True to life but massive yawn from World Motor Entertainment Championship!
   The FWW1 scriptwriters were given a week off to remind everyone what an unscripted race looks like. Thus there was no drama and the race finished in qualifying order after a dreary procession with TFQ in 5th place.
   No crashes, no external interventions, not a lot of overtaking, no pit stop dramas. In fact, this race was a prime example of how dreadful motor 'sport' had become under the previous management and with the previous team of scriptrotters.
   Having mercy on the paying customers, the organizers did put the scriptwriters for the lesser Formulae on a bonus and they were super-eventful! Especially the Electric Event, which followed the dreary not-so-Grand Prix. Xtremely smash 'n' crashadelic!

“Let's face it, despite the government's enthusiasm, nobody expects the coming plague of driverless cars to be any smarter than 'smart' motorways. Slushtag ^LethalChunkaMobileMetal” Joy Ryder

A civil service trade union has accused Cabinet Enforcer J. Rees-Mogg of micromanagement by ordering ministers to end the Shirk @ Home culture. The union has shot itself in the foot by yelling that Mr. Mogg should be concerned with what is being delivered by civil servants, not where their desk is.
   Big Problem. What is being delivered is sub-standard and lacking whilst the skivers are using a desk @ home and the customers are not getting any value for their money.
“Concession for the skivers—they can stay @ home but on half pay, which will be reduced if they don't maintain acceptable levels of productivity.” Epi Sodit
“The trade union boss reckons Xpecting civil servants to do any work for the dosh they blag from the taxpayer is vindictive. How very new, old & forever Labour.” Gullible Traveller
“The bloke's members are just as bad. The first resort of the scoundrel, in their case, is accusations of ethics violations—their wonk version, natch.” Behr Living

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The Home Office is trying to recruit Shirk @ Homesters for the security and counter-terrorism fields, including GCHQ work.
   No one appears to have told the wonks running the H.O. that this makes life a doddle for Russian and other enemy hackers as domestic internet connections are fairly unprotected.
“Maybe the government should send everyone involved in the Home Office's failed Prevent scam on holiday to Dartmoor prison for six months to let them know what the customers think of people who grab cash out of their pockets and give nothing in return. And for pretending the far-right is the main terror threat when they know full well it's Xploding Islamists.” Scep Tique

Hell, yes!
Are they a bunch of loonies in the Untied States? Is the legal trade there run by total nutters?
   If a firm can be fined $450,000 for holding a (perfectly legal) birthday party for a now ex-employee; an unappreciative sod who threw a wobbly; then the answer to both questions has to be a resounding affirmative.

The government is planning to cut lotz of rail fares in half as an unlocko celebration, relieving customers of some of the burden thrust upon them by grabbing, Labour-backing trade unions.

“Why did the Archbro of Cantab bring God into his rant about Rwanda? If the Almighty was all mighty & compassionate, She'd sort out the migrants and prevent the people muggers from hoovering up all their cash. If that hasn't happened, She's clearly busy doing something else and happy to leave the job to our Home Sec.” Scart Issue

Couldn’t hear it coming? Oh, dear!
Electric cars are Xpected to thin the ranks of headphone wearing pedestrians considerably, doing terrible damage to the profits of the manufacturers.

Z The Lot
A US congressperson is demanding sanctions against half a dozen Britisch lawyers, who are described as foreign enablers for Putinazi oligarchs.
   They are accused of abusing the UK legal system to harass & intimidate people who dare to notice what evils the Putinazis are getting up to.

The Moscow police are not investigating too rigorously, the death of an out-of-favour Putini and his family in their grand apartment. The cops kno what's good for them!

Burney in a padded cell?
Hippocritical Opposition politicians, and Tories who hate our President, are pursuing the distraction of party fines to the point of derangement, Xperts have warned.
   Which raises the spectre of their being sectioned under the Mental 'Elf Act and locked up until they regain touch with reality. Which is looking not that possible for the creepiest & beeriest of them.
“Looks like they've all glugged a spot too much of the old jump juice and it's dissolved the connections between their brain cells.” Oval Sitrep
“One gets the distinct impression that the Labour leader is a HUTAgonian of the XR sort, and that his head is glued up his rear end so that there is no possibility of real life intruding.” Hadda Nuff
“All the dunghill of BS about parties has confirmed is that there are lots of dickheads & time-wasters in both Parliament & the meeja. Not that any confirmation was necessary. We were all too aware of the situation beforehand.” Sue Preem

GPs are now allowed to prescribe sick bags on the NHS for as long as the Labour & SNP bozos continue to pretend that details of old parties matter more than their leaders' lies & hippocrisy.

Eggon Face Time for Rachelism Confecters
Wonks with wonky binoculars did a tirade against a DJ doing a fundraiser @ an elementary school in Phoenix, Arizona. The school was accused of hiring a white guy who'd blacked up. Surprise! The DJ turned out to be of colour—but obviously not enuff for the wonks with wonky eyesight—and mightily MPD by the assault on his skin tone.

The Z To Recovery
Creaky Joeland has come up with an interesting way to stick it to the Putinazis. There is $100 BILLION of Russian funds frozen @ the US Federal Reserve Bank. Which could be used to offer military & humanitarian aid to Ukraine without putting a burden on US taxpayers.
[How much have we got stashed here? Ed.]

NeatFlix shares are tumbling as subscribers give up on it. The presence of Mhegan the Merciless and her hairy sidekick on its programme list is proving to be something of a poisoned chalice.

The Amazon talking tin can is getting ambitions. It will study the 'umans around it, then decide for itself what needs to be done. Which sounds like a recipe for certain disaster.
“Maybe the tin cans will realize invading Putridstan is a good idea and they'll actually do something useful.” Nodda Clue

Marsman Musk upsets HUTAgonian cancellers by buying Twatter for $44 BILLION. His minions are Xpected to have a job for life now because there is much to be unpicked from the wonk version of Twatter, is the Xpert opinion.

He never will be missed
“Putrid the Poisoner can posture all he likes and pretend he's Kim Jong whoever by firing off missles, but if he starts tossing nukes around, there won't be a Russia for him to steal from. And all his cronies know that, too. Lifestyle disaster.” Con Fector
“Right! Old Putrid has stolen more than he knows what to do with and he's a really old bloke. If he looks like depriving his up & coming grabocrats of the chance to enjoy decades of the fruits of crime, he'll have a bit of an accident and be replaced pronto.” Bueler Faceoff

Neither of them
++ Record low attendance for French presidential election run-off ++ Riots in streets give police busy time ++ Yellow Vest Pests remind MacRon they will be back in force ++ MacRon alibi confection team growing @ alarming rate ++

“We have Captain Underpants, the French have Captain Clueless and the Yanks have Captain Creaky. Wunderbar.” Sam Dunk
“The Germans have Sergeant Schultz and the Russians have Corporal Hitler Mk. II. Even more Wunderbar.” Gopher Yagun

Health service customers in the UK are the toughest in Europe, the Xperts reckon. They have to be to get within 50 miles of a GP these days. And if they do get any GP service, most of them think it's not that much cop.
“We are being invited to cherish GPs. But when it comes to getting close enuff to do it, chance would be a fine thing!” Bacs Lang

Xperts with nothing better to do have concluded that dogs don't like to go to a vet to be mauled around and have needles stuck into them.

Swindle binned
It has taken a vigorous boot up the backside to let the Financial Conduct Authority know that counting men who claim to be women as females won't wash when compiling male/female staff ratios.

“When old kreepy pants starts going on about parties again, every decent person in the area needs to yell: 'Fuck off!' at him and stand & stare @ him until he does. That's the only way to stop him from being endlessly tedious.” Stew D'Olive
“Tories who work together and get together are fined. Old Kreepy goes jaunting round the country with his gang of plague spreaders and . . . nothing. Then he has the gall to whine about one rule for the Tories and another for him. Typical legal tosser.” Prog Nosis

++ Storm over Local MP Angela Robot's sluttish behaviour in Commons ++ Gutter politics @ its lowest by Labour ++ Party in full denial/guilt mode ++
“Sluttish? Is that just a bit slutty rather than the whole hog, as Jonathan Miller said about being Jew-ish?” Garth Vador
“If Ms Robot really is doing this, it's shameful. No prime monster should have to put up with this.” Anro Binson

Creditable con job
Is the Picasso painting being sold by the heirs of the actor person Sean Connery 'unbelievably colourful' and 'Xtremely powerful'?
   Well, it has colours but not to any Xtreme. And it's a typical Picasso daub of the 1960s—a cartoon. Good for a laugh but that's about all.
   To his credit, the actor wasn't taken in by the Picasso hype and he realized that the artist was just going through the motions sloppily in his declining years. But the picture was a good investment and should raise a tidy sum for the Scottish good causes which will get the benefit of . . . £19 MILLION from some head-banger in Hong Kong?

Q: Is it cultural appropriation if the Indians insist on putting a turban on President Boris and blobbing paint on his mush when he's on a visit there?
A: No, it's just politely putting up with the weird ways of foreigners.

Until the Musk Mugging, Twatter, like Gooble, was busy cancelling the accounts of everyone who dared to challenge the scams of global warmage fraudsters', who provide advertising income for auntie-social meeja. New financial model with the new guy at the controls?

China is running out of young people who can work to support the oldies. Chairman Mao's population edict of one couple, one child is getting the blame.
   Natch, the waxworks in Peking who are currently in charge of the country are entirely blameless. Particularly everyone called Xi.

Just a wasteland
Wee Burney is mightily upset with the gangs of her customers who have spotted that all the whinges about the government in England are a smokescreen that's failing to hide the mess the SNP is making of things in Scotland. Especially when it comes to providing essential ferry services for island communities.
   She is reported to have had to buy a collection of wigs; on expenses, natch; to hide the fact that she has torn most of her hair out in frustration @ being held continually to account for her failures to get things done.
“Bring decency, honesty & integrity back into our politics? [if they ever existed there, Ed.] Not going to happen whilst Kreepy Labourites & Burney's gang are around.” Carlotta Blotter

Another Wee Burneystan fail—99% of the homes & businesses eligible for a broadband connection voucher remain without it. No doubt Wee Bee will try to blame the wicked Tories for yet another instance of her failure to deliver.

++ Peking to be Shanghai'd ++ Summer-long lock-in threatened ++ Chinese regime failing to get to grips with its own plague ++

The Putinazis are causing global famine. Such is the drastic effect on food availability & prices due to the assault on Ukraine after Putrid made grain silos primary targets for missiles.

The Santander bank (foreign) claims to provide more personal banking service whenever customers need it. This is being achieved by closing branches & reducing further, the opening hours of the remaining ones.
   Looks like they've given their advertising account to the Labour party's spin doctors so they have something to do between confecting political party games.

Achtung! Kebabfeur!
The police in Berlin are so hard up for something to do that they made a big production job on auntie-social meeja out of arresting a bloke for throwing a kebab @ a security guard @ Berlin-Neukölin station.
   The police report on Twatter included pix of the remains of the missle and an interview with the bloke who assembled it, in which he expressed his distress @ the product being turned into a lethal weapon.

another “Blast From The Past”
Back in 2009, the 'Elf 'n' Nazi Xecutive blew £250,000 of taxpayers' cash on proving that bowling alleys are terribly dangerous places.
   They even drafted a regulation requiring bowling alleys to put a barrier at the end of each lane to stop people knocking the pins down by hand. And then some rotten sod pointed out that the barrier would stop bowling balls from reaching the pins and defeat the whole object of the activity.
   You definitely couldn't make up this sort of stuff.

Q: How much notice should you take of a self-styled self-help guru who doesn't know that the battery in a smoke alarm needs to be changed when it starts chirping or how to do it?
A: Sounds like he should get a job as a Labour MP so he can have a minion paid for by the taxpayer to do his maintenance jobs.

Load up the alibis
Re-elected President MacRon is being positioned as a lame duck, who is swimming in a sea of spoilt ballots & abstentions, and unloved by 72% of the electorate.
   If successful, the positioning campaign will leave his opponents unable to complain if he does nothing as no one expects anything from him.
   The current leader of the Labour party is believed to be indulging in the same ploy. Like MacRon, he has no strategy for dealing with the UK version of the Yellow Vest Pests, the cost of living crisis, the energy bill crisis, ect., ect.
“The choice on offer to the French electorate was described as being like one between the Chinese plague & cholera.” Bart Smorgast

Britisch Airways (foreign) is doing its best for the gorbal warmage swindlers' cause by cancelling hundreds of flights.

++ Veteran Commons Squeaker tries to ‘do a Berko' ++ Demands editor of Mail on Sunday report for wigging ++ Told to get lost ++ A. Robot admits confecting cosmetic outrage over crossed leggate ++ Has been a big laugh for months ++ Playing Poor Little Stinker card now dismissed as just typical Labour hippocrisy ++ Not isolated incident, either ++ Just trying to queer beery leader's pitch with any old distraction to further own leadership ambition? ++ Definitely needs much better scriptrotter ++

Girls who want to be a gondolier in Venice just have to pretend to be a bloke to crack this previously all-male gig. Ain't life wonderful!

The kreepy one is also having to contend with leaks about non-disclosure deals to cover up sexual harassment charges. Rejected Labour leader O.J. Corbynstein wouldn't allow NDAs, which makes using them—and being found out—all the more humiliating & embarrassing for his kreepy successor.
“Maybe he's still trying to work out what a woman is and what a man is.” Enver Cheter

The Archybish of Cantab, the alleged refugee's friend, has yet to offer a place in his mansion to anyone from Ukraine, somewhat like the flowery Pixie Balls-Cooper and all the other cardboard saints.

Call this progress?
Fancy electronic wrist watches are fuelling road rage. Especially the ones with a crApp that tells the wearer that the driver in front has taken more than 3 seconds to respond to a traffic light going green.
   Four or more seconds and it's Grrr! Kill! Death!

Good News: The regime in London has cancelled someone worthwhile in order to name a park after Diane 'Abbacus' Abbot.
Bad News: No one with an IQ greater than 3 will be allowed to enter it.

Q: What is Donald Trump for?
A: Saying the unsayable, like telling our Queen she should de-duke Prince Hairy & Mhegan the Merciless. And also that Hairy is whipped. He had to use the reduced form as pussy-whipped has been cancelled on animal rights grounds.
   He also reckons that Hairy is in line for being dumped when the Merciless one gets fed up with him and spots some better prospect with greater earning potential.

WEEK 5    Putin the ‘moth’ into smother

 
“All President Boris needs to do is tell anyone who comes round pestering him about old parties that he has already dealt with the matter and he has nothing to contribute, and just walk away. Even the thickest will get the message after about 18 or 19 rebuffs.” M. Stron

The Bank of England boss is Xpected to fuel inflation and tip the UK into recession, the smart money sez.

Putinstan admits, by mistake, waging a proxy war against the West in Ukraine.

Durham police to face investigation over failure to fine kreepy Labour leader for beery boozing @ do in Hartlepool?

Oh, dear. How sad. Never mind
It has been reported that President MacRon of France had to be locked in a dark room when he threw a major wobbly over President Boris' visit to Ukraine.
   Ron had been hoping to stage an electioneering stunt by being the first Europeon leader to do it. But Boris unleashed a monsoon on his parade.

++ Labour forced to retract ludicrous cost of living rise forecast figure ++ £26,200 worse off for families next year ++ A mere 40 times worse then most pessimistic Xpert guess! ++ Too much bier swigged with Leader @ bull session blamed ++
“Are Labour's scare tactics dishonest? Of course, they are. But what else do you Xpect from them?” Frog Nemesis

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Do it the easy way
Want to get your grotty book published even though it's crap? Change your name to Grotschen and tell a wonk publisher you're now a woman. Job done!
[Should work for women, too, as they will find pretending to be female a doddle after all the practice they've had. Ed.]

Q: What's a good way to rile Labour & Trivial wonks, especially Captain Underpants?
A: Leave notes on the desks of Skiving @ Home civil servants saying 'Sorry I missed you'. Worked a treat for J. Rees-Mogg.

Fruit & veg. are only half as nutritious as they were in the 1940s. Thanks to intensive farming methods, they lack essential minerals. But there is good news. The Xperts reckon that the only people who will suffer are those who choose a bad diet instead of a healthy one.

The ravages of vanity/cashing in on technology defects
Plastic surgeons in the Untied States are making a fortune out of customers who want their hooter shrunk to ridiculously small proportions. Why would anyone want this done? 'Coz they reckon the schnozzle looks ginormous in selfies, even if it is of a perfectly sensible size.

The experience of the Untied States is that fracking for shale gas works, even near urban areas, as long as the companies doing it are watched and regulated. Which puts the anti-frackers here on Team Putrid.
   Something to remember next time they start agitating and spreading more fake news . . .

You can trust Labour—to do nothing but lie

“It's a complete waste of time for ‘senior party figures' to warn their boozy leader that obsessing about ancient parties makes Labour look out of touch. They haven't been in touch for yonks.
   “But the police being goosed into taking a closer look @ the beer ‘n' pizza dos around the country might help to get Old Beery back in touch with reality. Especially if he cops for a richly deserved fine.” Athol Smerk
“There's no comparison between the kreepy Labour honcho swigging beer & noshing pizza out in the wilderness of Labourland & Pres. Boris having Happy Birthday sung at him by work colleagues? Quite right. Boris is Innocent, OK! The kreepy one belongs in the Tower on charges of gross hippocrisy – until the headsman has his axe nice & sharp.” Dr. Bino Benzeqino

Labour Lies: The Debate
Have they been lying about beergate for months or has it been for years?

++ Labour party forced to confirm Angular Robot was boozing with beery leader during lock-in ++ Clear breach of rules ++ Work-session obvious lie ++ No fine, natch, as Kreepy leader offers legal defence that rules do not apply to Labour ++ And no fine for beery leader's birthday party ++ Police to be investigated over multiple failures to investigate breaches of lock-in regulations by multiple Labourites ++
“Is Mrs. Steamer standing by her lying old man?” Gopher Broke
“As a Labourite & a lawyer, he's probably claiming the lies he tells are nothing compared to the ones we got from tony b. liar, the mandelsleaze, campbelsleaze and the rest of corrupt new labour, and therefore not worth bothering about.
   “One rule for him, one for everyone else. It's the Labour way.” Jon Cumming
“Hippocrisy no longer comes close, where the beery liar is concerned. We're in the realm of the brontosaurus, size-wise.” Alby Going
“Ancient parties, Angular Robot's legs, any old Xcuse to divert the public from the Labour party's lack of ideas for tackling our real problems.
   “p.s. Still no fine for Sirk Reepy because . . . ?” Broo Swillis

Can’t bear to leave us
Remember that plague we got from China, home of the world's other Major Oppressive Regime, a couple of years ago? The Xperts now reckon that 71% of the UK population have had at least one dose of it. And the figure is around 80% for some areas.
   The magic number was only 40% last November, before Omigod 1 & 2 came among us.

“What sort of idiot described Pres. MacRon as Le Champ when he's clearly Le Chump?” Kier Bier
“MacRon & Sergeant Schultz sell arms to Putinstan ‘for civilian use'? Translation: ‘for killing Ukranian civilians'.” Toman Djeri

Should the government be employing people with a garage fixation, like the woman who claims seeing a house with a double garage drives her bonquers? Taxpayers' cash should be going only to level-headed people who can be relied upon to keep focussed on the job in hand and not zoom off @ personal tangents.
“She's one of the warmist catastrophists. She also works for Wee Burneystan's regime. MHM.” Sven Se7en

Q: MHM?
A: Must Have Mates.

The pillocks who thought rebranding the town of Bromyard in Herefordshire by reversing the final ‘D' might have thought their idea was worth the 90 grand of taxpayers' cash they got for it.
   But every burrocrat sending printed letters to the residents will have to ignore it as there's no backward ‘D' on a standard keyboard.

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true. BFN is recognized as a premiere class observational blog and a multiple winner of the OB of the Year award.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, April MM22 like anyone cares.