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The government's killjoys have started a campaign against Corona Clusters—now the nation's fave sweets.

Don't be taken in by it.

Ensure that your K-number remains above 12 (the average contents of a small bag of Clusters) by investing in plenty of these treats.

marker Thought for the Day: Once you realize that the main purpose of the government is to waste vast amounts of taxpayers' money on ludicrous megaprojects—H2S, Al Johnson's £5 BILLION subsidy-fest forest of in-sea wind turbines, the post-war ground nuts scam in Africa, Tony B. Liar's illegal war in Iraq, Ted Heath ramming us headlong in to the EEC—then things start to acquire perspective.

markerPositive note
Shops will be allowed to become the equivalent of an ATM in areas where banks have abandoned their customers and removed bank branches and cash machines. But not until next year, when we will be free of the dead hand of the EbloodyU, which drowns the process in bureaucrazy.

Far Queue symbol The Church of England's archybishes are still flogging the Bremoan horse as hard as they can. Where's the RSPCA when you need it?

marker Few children in the age range 6-16 have heard of anyone who was famous in the 20th century, including John Lennon, who invented glasses, President Aretha Franklin and the boffin Dolly Parton. Xcept for Elton John. He is still known as a singist.

reader comment“Suposititious sounds like a perfect suggestion for Sir Kreepy's plan for a universal and permanent locko until all opposition to the Wearer of the Pants of Kontrol croaks. ” Duc T’ape

marker EVERY institution in the UK is rachelist, the wonks making money out of confecting rachelism want us to accept. How Xceedingly creepy.

marker A banana republic with no bananas—that's where 'following the science' is taking us. So now we kno.

marker The British Rugby Football Union is quite happy to let women who say they're men play rugby with blokes. The world regulation body won't allow it in international matches on safety grounds.

markerOn yer bloody knees, M’sieu!
The Chinese government has ordered a museum in France to forget about holding a exhibition about Ghengis Khan because the Chinese regime has cancelled Mongols. And the French went along with it!!!

cross symbol The BBC is to do a mini-series celebrating the life & works of its long-serving paedovile J. Savile. Your licence fee in action, folks.

bullet Witless Statement: what a worthy, famous and ill-informed celeb issues in the cause of saving The Planet or some other celeb cause.

bullet New male celeb requirement: You have to have killed some random person in your yoof and got away with it. Or just imagine you have.
bullet New female celeb requirement: You have to have been groped by some meeja celeb (or just imagine you have) and not made a song & dance about it 30 years later. But you do have to mention it casually in passing a long time after the (non-)event.

reader commentWhy should actors have to give up their careers? gets the same answer as Why should stage coach drivers and coal miners have to retrain? Because the world has changed.” Quinola Djeep

reader commentDiversity built Britain, it sez on a new 50p coin. In what universe?” Noah Chance

 WEEK 3      



markermarkerYou have some money and you know you can't be trusted to spend it sensibly or on anything useful.

Gamble It Away Responsibly

marker. . . by giving it to us before the Chinese plague gets you!
In one big chunk or in dribs & drabs. We don't mind.

Hurry, hurry to Romiley Responsible Casino, 44 Riverside Drive

markerLet’s just give up?
If the outrage confectors manage to evict Admiral Lord Nelson's monument from Trafalgar Square, there will be no stopping them. Not a building or city feature will be left named after a genuine British hero and/or benefactor. What a wonderful brave new world that will be.
reader comment“These are the same twerps who have been going on about a white actress playing the Egyptian queen Cleopatra because they want her to be black & African.” Mal Comex

cross symbol Surprise! Reality TV is nothing to do with reality, a bloke who's done them reckons. Because people have to become a grotesque charicature of themself to stand out.

bullet President Kim of North Korea has invited anyone who thinks they're hard enuff to start a nuclear war with him.

bullet The latest wheeze from the mental 'elf industry is to nag customers into tidying up their cupboards and wardrobes in the hope that it will make them feel better about themselves.

bullet Surprise! The Xperts have confected a plague tipping point.
reader comment“Well, everybloodything has to have one of those these days, doesn't it?” Chelsee Glue

marker The whole world seems to be getting on with the job of exposing everyone to the Chinese plague to find out who can survive it. The World Health Organization is reporting record infection rates everywhere.

markerReality biting again, like it does
Sir Kreepy Steamer has realized that an independent Scotland would be a total electoral disaster for the Labour party as it could never win a general election without Scottish MPs—certainly more than the current 1 MP. Xpect him to be spending a lot of time north of the border trying to confect support.

marker Unable to resist a trip to the biscuit tin? Blame your ancestors for the hunter-gatherer instinct to stock up on energy foods when you have the chance.

marker Xperts at Oxford University have found that, on average, people who get the Chinese plague and die of it live 47 weeks LONGER than people who die of other causes.

markerXcellently Xtreme, or what!
If you travel by train during the winter, don't forget to wear your warmest fur coat. The wonks in charge of the Rail Delivery Group are going to approve a recommendation to open the windows on trains wide to blow the Chinese plague out of the carriages. This is part of an attempt to convince potential customers that rail travel is safe.

tick symbol Worried that no one will take them seriously after they made this year's September the warmest in the whole history of the universe, the Xperts have hit on the wheeze of making this current month the coldest October in the whole history of the universe in a bid to regain lost credibility.

tick symbol President Trump is going to sort out the UFO question once and for all. He is going to get to the bottom of what causes unexplained aerial phenomena, and you can take that to the bank.

bulletQ: What's the main snag of shedding 16 stones of surplus weight?
bulletA: The 10 grand you have to find for surgery to remove a further 2 stone of surplus skin.

kneeling steamerMe, Me, Me!
cross symbolSir Kreepy Steamer would like to ruin the economy and also impoverishing the nation by rigidly locking down the whole country until he is awarded the presidency in recognition of his heroic service to the nation.
   London's cosmetic mayor has outed his sorry self as another locko addict, confirming that it is, indeed, just the London Labour party playing politics, even if upsets all their cosmetic mayors Up North.

tick symbol Good news! MPs are to get a 3.1% pay rise next March, which is over double the current rate of inflation. And their Xpenses budget will also become more generous.
reader comment“Don't give MPs a pay rise, give the buggers an NHS-style National Clap instead” Purty Peeved

markerChallenge or Confusion
Those with time on their hands are in competition to extract from the government's Skills Assessment Quiz, the daftest recommendation possible based on their personal and employment history.
   The online tool, run by the Notional Careers Service, is available free for the amusement of everyone over the age of 13.

markerNo problem
75% of Brits don't want chlorine-washed chicken from the US and 90% don't want hormone-treated beef, surveys have found.
   The good news is that if customers read the information on the packet in a supermarket, they don't have to buy anything from the US.
reader comment“Or they could always go to a proper butcher, who sells locally sourced meat.” Cato Mara

cross symbol The Federal Bureau of Instigation is obstructing the 'uman right of a properly constituted militia to kidnap a state governor who wants to lock down her customers.

markerCinemas which sell nasty & noisy snacks to customers should be allowed to fade into Xtinction, is the view of many former customers.
reader comment“Strict enforcement of face mask rules will discourage noisy browsing, especially if spacing out the customers makes the anti-social ones easier to spot.” Viz Yualise

marker The pantomime season will go ahead this year, but as a pale shadow of the usual event. Cash from the Notional Lottery will be handed to a favoured few theatre companies to allow spaced out audiences to view limited numbers of spaced out performers on-stage.

markerXtremely cross purposes in back rooms
The government Health Team wants to freeze the economy with lockdowns. The government Wealth Team wants to know how the Health Mob will keep the NHS going with no incoming wealth.
   So does everybody else.
reader comment“Xcept for Sir Kreepy & Co., of course.” Llam Borg

An imminent & serious Yellow Peril
A major threat to President Boris' swarm of in-sea wind farms is likely to be swarms of Chinese warships sailing through Arctic sea passages opened in the summer months by gorbal warming, exercising an imagined right to navigate in British waters and crashing into monstrous wind turbines while the crew is messing about with their mobile phones instead of looking where they are going in unfamiliar territory.

bulletQ: A 76-year-old Trollope sez she has given up on men. Is that credible?
bulletA: Sounds like men have given up on her and she's just trying to save face.

marker An investigation is to be launched into an attempt to sleaze the Health Sec., Hancock's Half Hour, by confecting a story about his being spotted in a Commons bar, boozing after 10 p.m.
   If detected, the confecter could end up self-isolating in the Tower of London until after Xmas.

bullet Sir Kreepy Steamer is @ a tipping point.
reader comment“Good! Let's hope it's him, over a cliff.” Linda Label

markerNext year’s April First arrived early?
marker As a result of a confection of outrage, the medal awarded to those invited to become a Knight Commander of the Order of St. Michael & St. George has been given a rachel & woke makeover. Instead of a white St. Michael trampling on a blackened Devil, it now shows a white girl [Wonder Woman with wings? Ed.] stomping on an unscorched white bloke.
bullet Confectors are claiming that it now looks like St. Michaela trampling on a whitened up George Floyd, the American who died while resisting arrest.
reader comment“Will the existing medals have to be recalled by the manufacturer, like defective cars, so that they can be wonked up to date?” Bhang Dupp

bullet 50,000 daily plague infections by mid-October, maybe, said the govt. doom-mongers. Didn't happen.
reader comment“October 15th—poop or off the pot over the negotions with the EbloodyU, said Pres. Boris. Didn't happen.” Icon Fess

marker Apparently, the country has a compost sector, and gardeners are finding that it has run out of mulch due to the Chinese plague interfering with the supply of raw materials.
bullet Surprise! Industry Xperts are claiming that there is plenty of mulch and there are just blips in the supply chain.
   For every Xpert, there is an equal & opposite one. [Arthur C. Clarke]

markerbullet Sir Kreepy and his satellites are still unable to resist the temptation to playing politics with the Chinese plague.
reader comment“Maybe Sir Kreepy will stick his hand in his well-filled pocket and cough up the £40 BILLION cost of his national locko.” Qintin Sardine

bullet Greater Manchester's cosmetic mayor, the Stafford Hospital Guy A. Burnham, is expected to withdraw for a period of personal readjustment to get over the shock of being accused of having his eyebrows plucked to separate them.

bulletThere is a persistent rumour flying around that backbench Tory MPs are recruiting former members of the SAS to stage a rescue mission for President Boris who, they believe, is being held prisoner and has been replaced by a robot by a clique of alleged Xperts with an agenda hostile to the national interest.

markerTreaty Treat
In the event of a no-deal Brexit, the government of Belgium is planning to invoke a charter granted by King Charles II in 1666 to ensure the right of access to British coastal fishing grounds for 50 men of Bruges. No such concession is available to the French, who have been our enemies like . . . forever.

Alien visitorbullet Speculation is rife that BFN has been awarded a BEM [bug-eyed monster. Ed.] in the year-end Science in Reporting honours list for 2020.

Knee of GraceGreat idea—ruined in the execution
The NHS is facing Xtinction, wiped out by legal actions brought by customers with cancer & their heirs over deprivation of life-saving treatments in lockdown. The nation's ambulance-chasers are rejoicing shamelessly.

bullet A priest in Louisiana is being encouraged to sue his local police force for violating his civil rights by intruding into a double-dominatrix filming session in his church.

bullet American Crunch Q: Does a Steelers linebacker have to bribe the coach to get the treasured number 57 on his shirt @ Heinz Field?

Far Queue symbol Prince Hairy is facing cancellation in the United States and the loss of his titles thanks to his attempts to interfere with the current presidential election ritual. They do it all the time themselves but the Yanks love to hate a butinski.

Far Queue symbol Universities are facing defunding if they don't stop dragging their feet over doing something about anti-Semitism.

markerMuck, glorious muck
The BBC has decided that nothing is too vile, gross, pornographic or offensive to be included in its podcast offerings. If everyone is obliged to buy a TV licence, the thinking goes, then the Beeb has a duty to pander to weirdos and preverts of all descriptions.

markercross symbol The sale of pizza pies is to be banned in the UK following complaints about cultural appropriation. The search is now on for an alternative, more acceptable description.

tick symbol Following a legal challenge on 'uman rights grounds, the term "a game of two halves" is to be abolished. In future, games will be allowed to have as many halves as the contestants wish.


Limited number of GENUINE works of art for sale

tick symbol Sculptures constructed ENTIRELY from discarded face masks and plastic gloves. All gamma-rayed sterile. GENUINE Treasures For Our Time

Hurry, hurry to Romiley Crafts, 23 Riverside Drive

markerThere’s method in it
A special prize for pointlessness has to go to the biologist from Nevada University, who used to dress up in a moose costume and hurl wolf dung at real animals to find out if it annoyed them? Actually, no.
   What Dr. J. Berger was doing was proving that a moose population which has not been exposed to wolves or a bears for 50-70 years has no natural fear of them and would be easy prey if the predators were to be reintroduced into moose space. A lesson which has clearly made no impact on the Wilders, who want to reintroduce all sorts of fierce animals to Britain's countryside.
tick symbol A special award for pointfulness has to go to the WW for its Thunderdome full of monitor screens showing customers waving to the outside world.

markerNot wanted on voyage
marker Hunt saboteurs are going out of their skulls with rage over the restrictions for traditional Boxing Day outings. The nation's hunts will be allowed to stage events on secure trails with no spectators, and haters who try to be butinskis will face hefty fines.

markerBig gets bigger
North Korea has unveiled its 11-axle truck for moving missile mock-ups on parade days. A 26-wheeler with 13 axles is believed to be in the planning stage for when the impact of the current new vehicle has worn off.
missile transporter

The next generation mock-missile for the lengthened transporter will be 95-100 feet long. There are hints that it will have an articulated design with the hinge at the mid-point to make manoeuvring the missile and its transporter, which will be similarly bendy, easier when they are en route to a parade through the capital city.
reader comment“It looks like the North Koreans have reinvented the V2 and stuck a long section of sewer pipe on the back to make it look bigger.” Cergei Putinovsk

markerDosh for Letters
Parliament's standard's committee, which is chaired by the infamous Captain Underpants [right: his internet self-portrait of the pants. Ed.], is insisting that people who receive honours must declare whether they used one of the firms of spivs which claim to boost someone's chances of getting a gong, and if so, how many tens of thousands of pounds were forked over.
   Vested & (under)panted interests, and embarrassed Whitehall wonks, are expected to resist the requirement vigorously.
[The main objection to the spivery seems to be that it gives the enterprising rich an advantage over the unenterprising poor. Ed.]
reader comment“One assumes that O.B.E. = Order Blagged Expensively.” Urbane Legend
reader comment“Which makes M.B.E. = Monster Bung Xtravaganza.” Thumper Bazzer

tick symbol Another locko bonus—an explosion of the cheeky rat population, which thinks nothing of doing a home invasion via a letterbox or a toilet!

markerHistory mocked
Sadly, the National Maritime Museum @ Greenwich is now being run by dickheads, who are trying to confect a link between Admiral Lord Nelson and the slave trade to MeeToo to the BLAME Bunch.
   Lord Nelson, of course, wasn't involved in the slave trade—he was too busy preventing the French from invading his country. As a result of this inconvenience, the museum wonks are having to resort to confection and forged doctuments to score points with the people who want us to believe that black criminals are somehow God's gift to humanity.
   Locko has a lot to answer for if it leaves so much time on the hands of mischief-makers.

bullet Today's Word: supposititious, which sounds like a suggestion for where someone else's surplus suggestion could be stuck.

bullet Black Lines Fatter—the motto of the British Bold Text League

marker Weird World: In Chicago, the police union protects the right of its customers to be members of a criminal gang and to join in gang activities, including drug dealing, when they are off duty.

reader comment“The French should definitely bring back the guillotine for terrorists like the one who murdered the teacher in Paris and their little helpers.” Purty Peeved
[The police shot the s.o.b. Ed.]
reader comment“If only as an act of posthumous judicial irony.” Purty Peeved

markerBozos is as bozos does
The owners of Rolls-Royce cars are counting the days until we are free of daft EbloodyU regulations, which include a ban on the illuminated version of the Spirit of Ecstasy bonnet enhancer on spurious light pollution grounds. Higher visibility and increased road safety clearly count for nothing when the wonks of the EbloodyU are involved.
reader comment“Bets are now being laid on the next thing to be banned on light pollution grounds being vehicle headlights.” Nec Stadverts

markerOfficial Understatement
The Gloucestershire police, commenting on the theft of an entire flock of sheep from a farm in Sharpness, announced that a large vehicle was involved. If 270 animals were stolen, then it must have been bluddy HUGE!

footshotAre you sure you have enough panic buttons, Boris?
reader comment“In normal times, a 3-tier system would have Low, Medium and High levels. In the current brain-fogged times, we start at Medium, go on to High and then on further to Boristastic. Credibility shot to bitz.” Dup Verto

tick symbol The average family is expected to have to cough up an extra £127 per month in taxes to pay off the crippling national debt mountain. All those who are not an average family are now breathing a sigh of relief.

reader comment“Studies, even those made by government Xperts, have found that lockdowns increase the overall death rate rather than reducing it. So why is Sir Kreepy trying to kill us?” Vladek Kedlav
reader comment“Another national locko will drive everyone nutz, the mental 'elf lobby is telling us. Is that what Sir Kreepy is hoping because he thinks only people who are nutz will vote for him?” Kalis Bethlove

markerreader comment“Anyone who thinks a proper Cornish pasty isn't a substantial meal in itself if served in a pub is just a greedy bastard. Add chips and you're well over the top.” Blaston Vash

bullet Police farces in England & Wales increased their confections of hate crimes by 34% in June this year.
reader comment“Keeps them off the streets and away from real crimes.” Mridian Canape

markerThe weirdness of what passes for justice
Sentencing has been deferred on a bloke who did a runner to Pakistan before his trial ended. The judge wants someone to ask him if he was trying to buy a hand grenade on the dark web for terrorism purposes.
   Presumably, if he says he was going to use it for a bank robbery, or even some river fishing, he'll get off with 2 weeks in gaol suspended for 10 minutes.

cross symbol The nation's criminologists are laying bets on when some council jobsworth will go one step too far when chucking his/her weight about @ a funeral and end up either chastised or o'bliterated.
reader comment“Are they also laying bets that a croaked jobsworth will go down in the official records as a death due to the Chinese plague?” Thal Shi'ur

cross symbol Wimmin are up in arms because those under 50 are more likely to die than men if they have a heart attack. Not having anyone to sue for compenbloodysation is doing their heads in.

markerYes, The Universe does hate us
marker It's kind of ironic that a guy who was a minister at the Department of Health when patients were dying of neglect at Stafford Hospital in the twenty-noughties is telling the government what it can and can't do about the plague in his capacity as cosmetic mayor of Greater Manchester.

markerI Am The Law
Kreepy pants Sir Kreepy Steamer's true underwear is showing. He's wearing the pants of a superhero who prevents lawful free speech if he doesn't approve of it and he hasn't given his personal permission for the offender to speak.
   He thinks he's Judge Dredd!
reader comment“The Wearer of the Pants of Kontrol is a man of a million quibbles and zero helpful suggestions. And a man who is completely unbothered by this sad state of affairs.” Kier Mudgeon

markerInclude me out, please!
Researchers working on a hibernation system for space flights to the outer planets of the Solar System are finding it remarkably easy to find volunteers, who are willing to spend up to 6 months asleep and untroubled by the Chinese plague and keeping up with variable locko regulations.

reader comment“When are we going to be told that the economy is at a tipping point? Because everybloodything else is.” Orange Cussedly

Alternative occupation
Terrorists are now working from home, MI5 reckons. Instead of plotting to blow up people, they are concentrating on cyber sabotage & crime.

reader comment“If we are all going to DIE! we might as well go out yelling our heads orf.” Knasti Fka

tick symbol A 25-year-old bloke in the United States has shown that if you try hard enuff, you can catch a different strain of the Chinese plague just 6 weeks after a primary dose.
tick symbol And if you try hard enuff, you can keep the plague virus alive on a smooth surface, such as a pocket phone screen, for up to a month.
update The Xperts are no longer sure that the customer actually did have two doses of the Chinese plague. If could have been an episode of something else followed by the plague. Or vice versa. Similarly, viruses croak on door handles, phone screens, etc. unless encouraged to stay alive.

cross symbol Desperate or what? Xperts in the USA are trying to 'prove' a link between President Trump's election victory in 2016 and a rise in heart attacks & strokes.
reader comment“Presumably, suffered by people who were outraged that the American people didn't vote the way they wanted and death due to terminal indignation.” Spae Stout

bullet Political punters are standing by to lay bets on how long Joke Bidet will survive should he get a turn in the White House before the OCW takes over, as per the secret master plan.
[Of Colour Woman. Ed.]

bulletQ: Should we be surprised that care homes will be going out of business?
bulletA: If their customers and potential customers are most at risk from the Chinese plague, not really.

Holey knees, Batman!
bulletNew Pants or New Shoes? Guess which won!

blue arrow

bulletQ: What's definitive proof that the Premiere League is feeling guilty and deeply ashamed of its ppv TV deal?
bulletA: Banning people like football team managers from expressing their opinion of it is a HUGE giveaway.

bullet Confection Corner: in the running for this month's award is confecting the fracture of a hyoid bone during murder by manual strangulation into a broken neck.

bullet Modern Etiquette: It is not considered good form to laugh after groping a female person for just 3 seconds.

 WEEK 1      

bulletQ: What actually is the difference between unemployment and people sitting at home, doing nothing and collecting the taxpayer's largesse?
bulletA: The largesse is more generous than the dolé

markerAlways look on the bright side of life
Are we "hurtling toward winter", as the doom mongers claim? Nope, we are progressing at the same rate as always. And if the world is warming up, that's a good thing 'coz winters will be warmer and less deadly.
reader comment“How amusing to watch the great 'n' the good lining up to have a good word to say for China and its government's pledge to cut carbon emissions to zero in 2060 when, according to the GW Fraudsters, something desperate has to be done in the next 10 minutes and 2060 will be far to late to do anything beneficial for The Planet.” Noah Chance

markerNo surprise
Ecofascists are trying to destroy the coal mining industry in Germany under the pretext of controlling the global climate. Other people's jobs don't matter to them.

bulletQ: How much coke can you hide in a shipment of bananas?
bulletA: 100 million quid's worth.
reader comment“Not very well hidden if it was found.” Frank Solstice

markerDosh sploshed liberally
The alleged inquiry into the alleged inquiry into former Scottish First Meenister A. Salmonella's alleged dirty old mannery and the failure to get him banged up for 999 years is close to achieving a world record for wasting taxpayers' money as no one hauled before the alleged inquiry can remember nuffink of what went on during the initial alleged inquiry.
reader comment“Some civil servants are claiming to be so absent-minded that it's a wonder they can ever find their way to where they work and back home again. If they're not shirking at home, of course!” Duncan Disorderly

Kerching!Britain's richest man is off to Monaco, a move which will save him over £100 MILLION/year. A Labour pantomime dame, whose contribution to the nation has been largely negative, is too busy being outraged to thank him for his past contributions. Perhaps trying to distract attention from her shameful record in local politics?

markerCan’t afford laundry liquid?
Israel's PM for life, Mr. N. Etan-Yahoo, has been awarded the International Scrounger of the Year award for his practice of bringing trunkfuls of dirty laundry to the US to get it washed @ the White House when he visits the president; a practice which began during the O'Bummer presidency.

tick symbol Prince William is getting a good share of the blame for discrediting the BAFTA awards by applying the dead hand of diversity to them. He is also managing to deflect a little attention away from his cancelled brother.
reader comment“Does that mean that dramas with no Royal content have no chance of a look-in now?” Doktor Kto

Far Queue symbol The government ministers who promised to stop funding the Chinese and Indian space programmes are lying bastards. But what else is new?

Knee of Grace A number of barristers who work at the Old Bailey in London, former workplace of Horace Crumpled, NQC, are being advised to seek the expertise of an image consultant because everyone who works @ the Bailey takes one look at them and assumes they are a defendant.

markerLegal tatters
The Kentucky attorney general is fried out of shape because a grand jury accepted that the police have the right to use force against a drug dealer who is shooting at them, even if the perp is non-white. The AG, of course, is non-white.

bulletQ: How do we pay the bill for all the government's bail-outs?
bulletA: We don't. We just let the pound become worthless and make the debt vanish into thin air.

cross symbol The Russians have been accused of data dodginess in their gut-busting efforts to be the first to create a vaccine for the Chinese plague. That's a vaccine for the rest of the world, by the way, as there is no plague in Putinstan. The Boss won't allow it.

bullet The government's chief scientific advisor has lots of dosh. Something that the news meeja insist on holding against him relentlessly. There's no escaping the Agenda of Envy.

markerHere they come, there they go
There are record numbers of people in their 90s around thanks to advances in medical science and the Tories always unwrecking the economy after Labour have had a spell in charge. But the minion who sends out HM The Queen's telegrams need not panic. The Chinese plague is Xpected to do an Xcellent demolition job in due course.

Nice!markerWine o’clock & all’s swell
Brits think that wine is one of their 5-a-day 'coz it's made from grapes which are fruit, a survey by Aldi has found. And 59% of us will believe any old rubbish about wine if we think it's folk wisdom or something confected by a (dodgy) Xpert. You just can't beat a good disinformation campaign!

tick symbol Sniffer dogs for the Chinese plague!!
What will they come up with next?

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the end of the world is inghmarkerHave to do better
The people spreading confusion about the Chinese plague regulations are in danger of missing a performance target and a healthy bonus. In the latest survey, only 68% of customers claimed to be confused by the regulations. Some 31% of the rest were unaware that there are any such regulations to be confused about.

bulletQ: How do you get some free publicity for your divorce lawyer business?
bulletA: Do something daft like banning staff from wearing cardigans in your chilly offices and get yourself laughed at in the newspapers.

markerShrugged off
Questions are being asked about how much people traffickers are paying the French navy to escort boatloads of illegal migrants across the Channel to the British Border Force taxi service zone. Nothing sensible in the way of an answer is expected.

cross symbol The Church of England is expecting to pay out £200 MILLION to victims of abuse by bishops and other church staff. Eye-watering, or what!

bulletQ: Did anyone seriously think that the confrontation between The Donald and Mr. Bidet would be anything like a debate? And did anyone win?
bulletA: The news meeja were certainly hoping for bear-baiting, and that's what they got. Winning and losing never came in to it. Everyone knew each side would claim victory, no matter what sort of a performance their actor provided, and that's Xactly what happened.
reader comment“Trade Descriptions Act territory, pretending it was a debate.” Purty Peeved

markerWork Xperience training for a guy with form
The regime in Putinstan has put a stooge, who is in the frame for murdering the defector A. Litvinyenko with a dose of pollonium and spreading a radioactive trail across Europe, on the job of investigating the failure to murder Kremlin watcher A. Navalny in Siberia using novichok.

bullet Attention all propagandists! We don't have to do anything about climate change. The climate is perfectly capable of changing on its own without your help.

markerEverything of clay
Surprise! J. Assange, currently a gaolbird and facing 175 years inside if he gets a free trip to the USA, is not a messiah. He's just a dirty old man, according to the latest exposé

bulletQ: Where is the worst place in the world for a South Korean to defect to?
bulletA: North Korea, where the defector is liable to be shot, soaked in petrol and set ablaze to prevent an incursion of the Chinese plague.

markerNot very helpful to the cause
The Democraps are shouting foul after the FBI found postal votes for President Trump binned @ an election office in Pennsylvania. The Bidet Bunch is outraged that this Crime against Democracy was allowed to escape in to the public domaign. "The Feds are supposed to be on our side," a mouthpiece is alleged to have moaned.

markerCustomers are requested not to encourage Claudia Winkler to think anyone gives a rattenkranz about her hair.

marker Are the nation's consumers smart enuff to get their heads round the distinction between a fast food-firm and a fast-food firm?

writer comment“Describing a novel as something which 'surfs on the tide of the times' is a rather double-edged comment. It could be interpreted as calling the novel in question shallow & temporary and something which will have sunk without a trace a couple of years from now. Especially if it comes from someone who wasn't short-listed for the Booker this year.” A.L.M.

bullet President Trump vs the Chinese plague? Won't slow him down at all in this Age of Communication.
marker "President Trump gets a spearmint? How nice for him."
"Experiment, clothears. As in an experimental concoction for the Chinese plague."

footshotBrain left in neutral
Joke Bidet has really self-mutilated by making the presidency of the USA a matter of who pays the most income tax. On that scale, he has no chance against some tech-giant geek or an air-head reality TV Xhibitionist.
reader comment“Would a reality air-head necessarily do a worse job than a political air-head like Joke? After all, there would be a team of scriptwriters and all sorts of ratings Xperts directing the Xhibitionist.” Occasional Bling

markerInevitable reaction
Crumbs! Schools are going to have to teach their customers that the cancel culture is nothing but bullying and no platforming is an attack on our freedoms and 'uman bluddy rights.
   That's going to stick in the throats of the lefty luvvies and a good few wonks!
reader comment“University student unions, where these practices are industrialized by anti-British aliens and their worshippers, will be very upset by this outbreak of evidence-based teaching.” Qintin Sardine

markerFootball's verdict on the VAR: two idiots making a considered wrong decision is no improvement over one idiot blundering in the heat of the moment.

markerGreat idea—not thought through
flyAmazeOne is to launch an indoor drone, which will fly around a mansion and look for burglars when the inmates are otherwise engaged. Quite how it will deal with doors which are kept closed to limit the spread of fire as a sensible precaution has not been disclosed.

markerLong delays are expected at, the new government website for reporting Chinese plague rule violations Your patience is requested.

markerThe Trump vs Biden bear-baiting contest has been declared a draw, even though Biden wasn't up to much and Trump kept biffing him all over the place. Rather than blaming the contestants, commentators are turning their bile on the referee as a softer target. Apparently, there's a full transcript of the affair available to anyone who's really at a loose end.
reader comment“Read the full transcript of this latest episode of the Great American Farce? Are you insane? We have much better things to do. Besides, it's wine o'clock.” Knasti Fka

bullet The first bloke to be cured of HIV has died of cancer. When The Universe has it in for you, there is no escape.

markerDo as we say . . .
The characters responsible for getting customers chucked out of the controlled environment of a pub or club @ 10 p.m. and getting people larking about in bunches in the streets have no such curfew on their boozeries.
   The bars at the House of Common Criminals are designated as workplace canteens and Xempt from all sorts of stuff, including wearing face masks.

bullet If anyone wants to give a ventilator as a Xmas present, the NHS has plenty stacked up inconveniently and embarrassingly in warehouses.

bulletQ: How long does it take to track down an air leak aboard the International Space Station?
bulletA: A year is counted as good going.

markerbullet Russia's state sponsored hackers are in deep trouble with their boss. A survey by MicroSoft has found that the guys from Putinstan were responsible for less than 50% of all global hacking in the last year.
   Vlad the Terrible is not amused by this news and has taken to reminding people how wonderful the climate is in Siberia at this time of year.
reader comment“With a shot of novichok available as a non-performance bonus?” Vladek Kedlav

bulletQ: What do you get if you do a rampage in a kebab shop after making a false claim that you've been raped?
bulletA: All together, now—"Away with it!"

bulletQ: What do you get if you're the Hungarian government and you have an account with Twatter?
bulletA: Suspended without warning or explanation.

markerLife in luvvidom!
BAFTA is handing out unconscious bias training to its 8,000 participants. Being knocked out and fed the confected party line whilst you're helpless sounds very Manchurian Candidate. Are there no depths to which the fascist left will not sink?
[No. Ed.]

markerThere’s news and there’s outright twaddle
Unprecedented hospitalization of the President? What total bollux. President Trump going to hospital with Chinese plague symptoms is more unprecedented than President Reagan ending up in hospital after a failed assassination attempt? Only if something that was international news nearly 40 years ago doesn't count.

markerCentral Casting has bogged up big time when handing out the scripts. A.G. Haldane, the Chief Economist at the Bank of England, is full of good cheer about the economy, which should be the PM's job, and President Boris is doing the BoE's traditional doom 'n' gloom 'n' more gloom broadcast.
[Maybe they're hoping no one will notice. Ed.]

reader comment“It was rather amusing that the sacked Beast of Bolsover, when taking a pop @ the invisible baroness in charge of the plague test 'n' trace system, chose to quote that line about some are born mediochre. Given that the Beast was always a very brown shade of tan.” Vill Anus
reader comment“His opinion of her is devastating??!! In what version of The Universe?” Mans Praeding

marker Cutting opinion: Seen in a review of a house for sale which seems not to have been snapped up on the spot—"Not so much mock Tudor as piss-take Tudor".

cross symbolIt comes as no surprise to learn that Sir Kreepy Steamer considers his best mate to be the fellow loser Sadgeek, London's cosmetic mayor.

markerStriving for excellence
The world land speed record for a wheeled bin is held by a British competitor.
   It's a massive . . . 43 mph!
reader comment“Garden shed? 106 mph.” Rashgan Vuyshol

tick symbol A good way for women, and also men, to shed weight is to get married, the Xperts reckon. All that extra worrying really does you in!

bulletQ: If you want to attack the staff of the magazine Charlie Hebdo, what should you be careful not to do?
bulletA: Take your machete to the offices the magazine used to occupy years ago but doesn't any more.

markerDefinite medical world-beater
What does the world REALLY need? Someone to invent the transporter technology enjoyed in the Star Trek universe so that people with the Chinese plague can be moved a short distance so that the system's biofilters can Xclude the virus from their re-materialized body.

bullet Days are 0.08 deg.C. warmer than they were 20 years ago, Xperts at Essex U. reckon.
reader comment“Which is pretty well the square root of bugger all in terms of switching the central heating off and saving The Planet.” Gorrie Zontal

markerDiet or not?
Surprise! Not eating for 16 hours then consuming a normal day's worth of food in the remaining 8 hours does not cause weight loss. But it does cause loss of muscle mass.
   There are no quick and easy solutions and the short cuts frequently end up taking users to somewhere unpleasant. Such is life.

Knee of GraceApparently, the police will knock on the door of someone who is supposed to be self-isolating a couple of times to check whether they are. After that, there is no further enforcement action on offer and they will lose interest.
   These are the rules.
reader comment“I suppose ringing the doorbell is out of the question? As it seems to be for most delivery persons.” Tased Ernin

markerThe government's Xperts reckon that the plague is not spreading among school-age kids; something the teaching unions claimed would happen as an Xcuse for skiving @ home.

reader comment“Will O.J. Corbynstein have the cheek to shove on his MP's expenses, the fine of £200 he collected for holding a dinner party for nine?” Bjor Fhield

markerWe will fight them before they get to the beaches . . .
marker Home Office wonks in blue sky thinking sessions are reported to have suggested things like putting gigantic wave machines in the Channel to discourage illegal immigrants and patrolling the likely landing areas with sharks fitted with a fin-blade capable of slashing a rubber dinghy to bitz. They then leak their daft ideas, hoping that idiots will believe that the Home Sec. came up with them.
   Apparently, there is no truth to the rumour that last weekend's storm was brewed up by Home Office Xperts as part of a new strategy to sink migrants before they can reach British waters.

bullet If you're not having nightmares about the Chinese plague, you're not paying attention, the Xperts reckon.

markerPerks for the tough
Emergency service workers are being sent on surfing holidays and immersed in cold water to help them cope with the stress of their job.
   Most of those receiving the cold water treatment reported a boost in mental health. Probably to avoid another dose of chilling.

Far Queue symbol "I am up to the job," President Boris tells the BBC—that's despite all the attempts to 'prove' the opposite by confecting fake news.

cross symbol President Boris has plumbed new depths of unappreciation with his Krazy Kurfew Rulz. The nation's dedicated boozers and noshers, which includes journos of all hues, are now solidly agin him. Sir P. Villainy, the nation's Chief Crisis Confecter, is now only marginally less popular than President Boris.

bullet Kanceller Mherkel of Germany reckons that a good way to keep the plague at bay is to open your windows and let a ventilating gale blow through your house. Sounds like an excellent strategy for blowing away the effects of your heating system and driving up your winter fuel bills.

bulletQ: What happens if you dump 2 million cubic metres of sand on the beach @ Walcott, Norfolk, to prevent coastal erosion?
bulletA: A 70 mph storm blows it into the village and the residents spend ages digging cars and homes out of sand dunes and lumbering the sand back to the beach.

bullet The propagation rate of the Chinese plague may be slowing, the Xperts reckon. The death rate remains Xtremely low and it is being made insignificant by deaths from other causes, such as medical conditions which were ignored because of the plague.

markerWonderful TV!
flyThere is a masochist making videos of himself being bitten and stung all over the world by the most dangerous bugs & beasties on offer for sadists to watch on ViewTube.
reader comment“Makes a change from porn, I suppose.” Aram Admin

bulletIf you're desperate to hear some music, try a trip to Germany, where orchestras are continuing to stage concerts, regardless of the Chinese plague.

cop tin can assistantmarkerBig Brother really is on the job
The Director of Public Prostitutions has decided that recordings collected by spy gadgets such as domestic digital assistant tin cans can be offered to the courts as evidence to create universal scrutiny and a true "No Hiding Place" culture.

bullet O.J. Corbynski is in dire straits indeed if the only person with a good word for him is his former stooge D. Abbacuss Abbott.

marker The female person who replaced scandal-prone MP Jim Vaz seems to be carrying on his tradition. She is suspended from the Labour party and due to be hauled up before the beak on a charge of harassing an unnamed woman for a couple of years.
   No surprise that she was parachuted into the former Vaz seat by Corbynistas.

cross symbol There is a growing suspicion that all sorts of long-term medical conditions are being blamed on the after-effects of a dose of the Chinese plague and, as a result, nothing is being done to diagnose the real problem.

bullet If you're a fan of floods, northern Italy and south-eastern France were the places to be at the weekend.

Kerching! Britain is broke and getting broker. How is the government addressing the problem? By creating new laws & regulations related to the Chinese plague, with the inevitable financial penalties, and introducing them without warning. As a result, the first people know about them is when they're hit with a fine. Cunning or what!

markerMaybe gluten-free but not necessarily blame-free
Are the wheels about to come off the BLAME Bunchers' cause? There's always a backlash to everything and it's inevitable that if someone who's non-white gets into trouble, there's going to be an automatic assumption that they are guilty as charged but hoping to get away with it by being non-white.
   This is an inevitable response to all the recent bother having been caused by enemies of society leaping to the defence of criminals and their associates, and committing arson and looting in pursuit of the right of crims of colour not to be subject to the rule of law.

Far Queue symbol The Hong Kong police have a great tactic for suppressing protests. Demos are banned due to the threat of violence—that's police violence against the protesters.

markerClottish cops
The nation's police farces, which feel unable to tackle real crime, are resorting to prosecuting learner drivers for minor infringements of traffic laws to give their 'dragged into court' statistics a boost.
   Sadly, the tactic is proving to be a flop and appeal courts, which keep on overturning convictions from lower courts, are not amused by the extra unnecessary work. But the lawyers making money out of the shambles are very happy indeed.

marker Lycra lout cyclists are trying to have using this description certified as a hate crime. As well as making the driver of a motor vehicle involved in an incident take the blame, even if a cyclist caused the disaster.
   Someone else trampling over the 'uman bluddy rights of others.

marker A quintet of African grey parrots has been put into isolation @ the Lincolnshire Wildlife Park to prevent them from teaching their Xtensive vocabulary of swear words to other inmates.
   And also to avoid causing distress to sensitive visitors to the park.

markerreader comment“By the logic of Krazy Kurfew Deniers, keeping pubs 'n' clubs open all night will halt the plague dead in its tracks practically overnight.” Thumper Bazzer
reader comment“Sounds like something worth trying out for a month or two, at the very least.” Blown Gales
reader comment“It would certainly put the 'rat' back into the aching hearts of impoverished restaurateurs.” Kooper Kupp

markerThere’s no Evil in Evolution (well, not much)
Should we be worried that plant species are going Xtinct before the Xperts can catalogue them? Nope, coz there's always another species on the way that's better adapted to the current climate. That's how Nature works.
   And all this chat about the vanished plants possibly depriving the 'uman race of a natural cause for some dreadful disease or defect—if Mother Nature thinks including the miracle cure in plants is a good idea, she'll do it again but do it better the next time.

Wot is going on?
Something we need to be told is why nutters are allowed such free access to dangerous weapons like machetes. Like the one who went to where the Charlie Hebdo offices used to be in Paris with murderous intent and a machete.
   It happens too often to be random chance. Is there some sort of 'uman bluddy right to be able to maim & mutilate involved?

bulletQ: What will be the effect of negative interest rates?
bulletA: People will keep cash @ home instead of paying a bank to look after it and lots more burglars will end up @ A&E after being sprayed in the face with thick bleach by an invaded householder who didn't have a gun handy.

tick symbol Building on President Boris' closing speech to his party's virtual annual conference, the Chinese government is taking the credit for providing the plague, which will be the catalyst for much needed change to British society.

bulletQ: How many people were killed by President Trump leaving his hospital room, where his case of the Chinese plague was being treated. to wave to reporters a long way off?
bulletA: Square root of bugger all territory.
bulletQ: What would be a good description for Democraps who got on Trump's case afterwards?
bulletA: Start with pissant confector and keep going until you run out of puff.

marker Every shopper in Romiley is wondering where they can get hold of Super Pounds. The plan to turn the redundant NatWest bank branch into Romiley town hall has been scrapped in favour of a Super Pound store of epic proportions.

reader comment“Does President Boris have a plan for keeping the lights on and toasters toasting when the wind don't blow and his turbines are standing idle? Or the wind do blow, but strongly enuff to mean they have to be turned off?” Guy Drologist

reader comment“Lord Bethel of Health sez people who test negative for the plague don't have to safe space because they won't be putting others at risk. But they will still be at risk of catching it from a plague carrier if they get too close. A lorryload of bricks short of a wall, mate.” Hugr Ahnt

markerreader comment“Interesting that Sir P. Villainy has admitted that his prediction of 50,000 plague infections per day was just a scare story. Makes you certain that most of his other pronouncements were more of the same.” Slurp McGurp

bulletQ: When is a ripple a second wave?
bulletA: When it suits the doom-mongers.

tick symbol Rockall is to be turned into the nation's sole processing centre for bogus asylum claims from cross-Channel sneakers. Bring your own tent.

marker Surprise! 50% of the people who have been hit with a plague-related fine have actually coughed up the cash!
reader comment“They're obviously not sneaky enuff to give a false address or go and hide under the bed when the bailiffs call.” Ronald Ho

bullet 10 MILLION people will need happy pills for depression, the people making money out of the mental 'elf industry reckon.

Corona ClustersDespair ye not!
Halloween might have been cancelled by the nation's police forces 'coz of the Chinse plague, but there are still supplies of Covid Clusters available to ease the disappointment.

reader comment“They're calling President Trump an old and angry man after that comedy election turn but what did they put up against him?
   “An even older bloke who is also dreadfully dull and who forced Trump to do all the work. No wonder they're called the Democraps.” Nasty Pelagra

markermarkerUncertain times
Ex-president J. Carter, 96, is described as 'tight as the bark on a tree'. We assume that means he's tight-fisted and a modest spender rather than drunk as a skunk on a permanent basis. On the other hand, alcohol is a pretty good preservative for ancient specimens.

marker "All we want is the truth", the news meeja insist
Translation: Give us some new stuff to twist into lies and blatant inventions.
Just bluddy make it stop
The Germans are getting so bored by the Chinese plague that they can't be bothered turning out in large numbers to demos against wearing face masks any more. As a result, the German police are complaining about having nothing much to do but stand around, looking useful.

cross symbol Students in Glasgow have been told that if a fire alarm goes off, those isolating with the Chinese plague should stay put and be burnt to the ground whilst uninfected customers are evacuating the building and running for their lives.
update This advice has been cancelled. The person who came up with it has probably been awarded a bonus to ease their disappointment.

 WEEK 2      


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markerNot so much Captain Obvious as Private Pillock
The people of the United States want a president who is going to listen to the Xperts, according to a Democrat strategist. Which will achieve what if there are whole gangs of rival Xperts, each with a different conclusion to broadcast based on the same set of facts and assumptions?

writer comment“If Joke Bidet wins in November, all those who have just reached the qualifying age for what used to be a free TV licence will become younger than the US president. Which is something to worry about as great age has obviously not conveyed great wisdom to Mr. Bidet.” L.G.R.

markerCrims of all denominations, rejoice!
If you feel like committing a crime, Scotland is the place to do it. The court system is a complete shambles, the backlog could take the rest of the century to clear, and the devolved government there is concentrating on inventing new crimes and new laws for conduct which is already well covered by existing legislation.
   As a result, there is going to have to be a mass cancellation of all charges short of mass murder and imaginary hate crimes to regain an illusion of control.
update The rejoicing is to be shared by criminals gaoled in England, where the judiciary is using the plague as an excuse for letting criminals go free sooner. Probably as an exercise in job security.

marker Today's word is tartle
—to shock someone by behaving like a proper little tart.

markerIt had better be more than well worth waiting for
Bets are now being laid on whether D. Craig, the actor who is currently portraying Ian Fleming's character James Bond, will reach pension age before his final contribution to the canon is released for public consumption.
   The franchise holders are suspected of delaying the release to buy themselves time to decide which race, sex, orientation, planetary origin, etc. the next Bond actor should be.
bullet A major current problem is how to blockbuster a film in a world where all the cinemas are shutting down, possibly never for the majority to reopen.
reader comment“NeatFlix? ViewTube?” Icon Fess

Far Queue symbol Thought for the Day:—There are idiots all over the shop. Unfortunately, universities seem to be exceptionally good @ collecting them.

Black Ink Matters
reader comment“I have noticed that some newspapers are going in for pale shades of grey rather than blatant black for their body text. Which has set me wondering whether it's part of a sinister plot to drive people to the online version so that the company can do away with all the hassle of printing plants, trade unions and distribution of physical newspapers.” Raison Deathtrap

reader comment“Why not call the currently nameless Washington American Crunch team the Slavers to remind the self-righteous SoB Yanks who drift across the Atlantic to object to place names in the UK that their capital city is named after a founding father who owned 317 slaves?” Justin Prevert

markerreader comment“Despite all the bad press, we actually need the far right—if only to remind us what people sound like when they don't think betraying their country is their duty.” Urbane Legend

marker Things to wonder about during the Plague Year: What are Jehovah's Witnesses & Mormons doing if they can't go out knocking on doors?

tick symbol Luvvie Quote of the Month:—"Everything it (wokeness) stands for is, essentially, great."
[Note the full stop, which cunningly reverses the apparent meaning. Ed.]

marker Why would anyone pay £15 plus £7 delivery for an edible pineapple indoor plant when you can buy a fully grown, ready to eat pineapple for less than a quid at the Romiley Aldi?

markerHow wonderful
Dumping 28 tons of carrots in the street outside a London university site is an installation and a work of art? Not particularly good art. Even worse, when they have served their purpose, the contaminated carrots will be shovelled up and converted into animal feed.
reader comment“Maybe some animal rights fascists will string the installer up from a handy lamp post as their version of an installation.” Ellie DeGenerate

marker A commission of inquiry has concluded that Prince Hairy is too privileged to take time out from enjoying his new home in a $13M Californian mansion to do a privilege check on himself.
[We thought of tacking on a picture of Hairy in his Narzi uniform fancy dress but we couldn't be arsed. Ed.]

Check your change & GomarkerBlind alley
What on Earth is the EbloodyU Commishleiter going to do if she tries to haul the UK in front of her sinister organization's court of injustice, only to be told: "Actually, old bean, we're not subject to your kangaroos any more. And by the way, you can whistle for your massive fines."
bullet The more pragmatic nations of the EbloodyU have recognized that the gesture is more routine blackmail and attempted intimidation than anything to do with the real world.
reader comment“Especially if the kangaroos are not likely to get to the case until about the middle of the current decade.” Rag Narok

markerBetter alibi needed
The Chinese tech firm WahWey the Lads is claiming that defects in its security and engineering practices are not due to interference by the Chinese regime. Which still leaves the defects there, unexplained, and their systems unsafe to use.

cross symbol Coming soon to an accident near you—electric ambulances, which will have the potential to run out of puff on the way back to a hospital and reduce the odds of survival by that bit more for a badly damaged customer.

markerMake Room, Make Room
Previously unspoilt areas of rural England will become tatty building sites thanks to a new AlGoreithm created in a government back room.
   Major cities will be shrunk and the inmates will be moved to new rural conurbations. And there are all the migrants who could possibly make a positive contribution to the country to house. So Xpect a massive cowboy building BOOM.

Far Queue symbol Despite the current wave of woke, getting your kit off is still the best way for a non-male luvvie who's getting on a bit to get the meeja crawling all over her gloopy person.

cross symbol The US Navy Seals have put themselves on the road to becoming a laughing stock by embracing a wonk diversity agenda.

markerInstant loss of confidence
The new honco of MI6, the latest invisible Mr. C, has let it be known that he won't give jobs to either George Smiley or James Bond types. If he is Xcluding clever people from the job, and those ruthless enuff to get things done, it seems likely Mr. C's real boss lives in Putinstan.

award symbol The 2020 Nobel Prize in physics has been awarded to the mathematician and physicist Sir R. Penrose. He is best known to the public as the creator of what became known as the Penrose Triangle, an impossible object described in a 1958 paper, which he wrote with his father, the psychiatrist L. Penrose.
[The impossible tribar was created in 1934 by the Swedish artist O. Reutersvärd—but as a set of 9 cubes rather than a solid object. It was reinvented independently and brought to a wider audience, which included the artist M.C. Escher, by the Penroses.
   The tribar and many variations on the theme feature in the impossible object designs created by the Romiley artist Harry Turner. Ed.]

Far Queue symbol A scam call from 01626 565573 demanded seventyninepointninenine and began: thisisacallfromamazonaboutyouramazonprimeaccount
The machine voice went on without a pause between words and invited the potential mug to press '1' and cough up bank account details

markerPragmatic solution
We are assured that there is a desperate mental 'elf crisis in the country. People who can't cope at the best of times have been driven even further out of their skulls by the conditions prevailing due to the plague But there is a holy grail.
   All we need to do is go back to drilling holes in skulls to release demons and evil spirits, and the number of mental cases will shrink dramatically.

bulletQ: What's the difference between not acceptable and downright illegal?
bulletA: Having MP after your name.

bulletQ: Does someone saying that someone else lied to him amount to an admission? (of guilt implied)
bulletA: If he's an SNP MP, yes.

bulletQ: Do we give a Rattenkranz about the Dodgy Cars Bloke and will we buy his book of alleged memoirs?
bulletA: One guess.

bulletQ: How fast can the cosmetic mayor of Middlesboro' change his mind over being a local locko denier and decide to go along with new government regulations for his area?
bulletA: Overnight. Probably even faster if pushed. The trick is to play the rebel card loudly and hope no one spots the inevitable U-ey.

markerHubris, anyone?
Do the Scots hate Wee Burney Sturgeon? One minute, she's bragging about how low virus transmission rates are in Scotland, The next, she's wiping egg off her smug grin because parts of Scotland are setting new world records for plague cases.

marker YACD—with the 'D' standing for Dom. As in Dominic West.
[Something they used to say about Dave the Leader. Ed.]

Rental Health
reader comment“In the good old daze, people didn't want anything to do with mental cases. [Except to exhibit them in Bedlam. Ed.] Now, they're in the majority and wondering if they want to have anything to do with us handful of normals. Or what used to be normal.” Dup Verto
[Radio Rental. Ed.]

marker Today's word: nanaputian—describes the constraints a nanny state applies to people with the good sense to know that the government is being excessively silly.

Far Queue symbol A grateful nation coughed up £19K severance pay for Bollocks to Berko when he was evicted from the Squeaker's Throne. He did not have the decency to decline the £1M pension pot. No surprise there.

markerViagra adverts, the Xperts reckon, are so potent that they can raise the birth rate unaided.
reader comment“And therefore need to be banned?” Lego Disko

cross symbol The reason why the revived Spitting Image didn't make it to one of the main TV channels has been revealed. The scripts are duff.
reader comment“Maybe it will be the Dave Channel's Xtra-special Xmas treat.” Nec Stadverts

markerGive it a rest
Wouldn't it be nice if all of the candidates for the job of next cosmetic mayor of London could be nice, normal people who don't feel the need to push the personal tragedy and persecution buttons for all they're worth.

marker Stump up six million quid of your loot or spend another 7 years in gaol? Sounds like a great rate of pay.
[If you expect to live long enough to enjoy the loot. Ed.]


A Celebration of Safe Spacing

Romiley Exhibition centre is to revive some historic installations of the past as the centrepiece of the grand re-opening.
   Among the featured works will be a recreation of EMPTINESS IN A DARK ROOM by Jeff Hardly.

What they said about the original showing:
"Has to be seen to be believed" "Just enough light to see that there is absolutely nothing at all in there!" "An unforgettable experience, which may be shared or not, according to the whim of the moment" "Misleading to the point of being quite astonishing"

sneezebullet Xperts @ Yale U. are investigating whether having a good dose of the common cold protects against the Chinese plague.
[How long does a cold last? A week? Ed.]

bullet Praise from elderly customers for Romiley Health Centre's flu clinic: "A very smooth and quick operation. Very well done."

Door handle, eyes, dies? Nope!
marker Door handles may not be the super spreaders they were touted to be, the Xperts have concluded after extensive (and expensive) tests. Airborne virus microparticles are much more promising candidates for the blame.

tick symbol President Boris has achieved Royal status via a volume of fan fictions (from someone else) about his family life in the early days.

cross symbol Xmas turkeys are to be put on short rations to ensure that they grow big enuff only for an Xmas Day banquet for 6.
[Plus the usual week's leftovers. Ed.]

markerWonk ye not
President Boris' preferred candidate for the job of BBC chairman has taken a long, hard look at the gang of appalling people he would have had to work with and decided "Naaah!"
   Sounds like an extremely wise decision.

footshotBrain disengaged?
marker A head teacher has the hump because young people are being called snoflakes. She reckons the current generation is remarkably powerful & resilient. But if that really is true, they are not going to be bothered about being called snoflakes.
   Which means that the outrage has to have been confected in an attempt to promote admiration from the head's snoflake customers. Who, if the head is right about them, really ought to be too bright to fall for the scam.

Creating welcome employment
President Boris has had to add extra bodies to his personal protection team following threats from animal rights campaigners, who are claiming that his scam to surround the British Isles with forests of in-sea wind turbines will kill 86% of the migrating bird population.
   One the Dept. of the Environment didn't spot?

marker Can a luvvie claim to be someone we really have to listen to if we need to be told the name of the film or production he/she/it is supposed to be famous for?
reader comment“Even less impressive if you haven't actually seen the epic.” Spae Stout

Just a matter of time
The next major petition from scientists and medics is expected to urge the government actively to get involved in infecting the young and healthy people with the Chinese plague to get it over and done with.
   This approach assumes that once infected, the customer is unlikely to become re-infected and become a spreader again.

Far Queue symbol Wee Burney Sturgeon has been accused of driving the Scottish pub industry into Xtinction with her 'draconian' two-week alcohol ban.

markerLet them all croak!
Commuters are in serious competition to take a phone-shot of a public transport employee who is wearing a face mask whilst travelling. [That's a mask covering the nose and mouth rather than one being used as a chin-sling. Ed.]
   Fear of bolshy trade unions calling a strike is preventing the alleged bosses of transport firms from enforcing mask rules on employees, even if they are endangering the lives of paying customers.

bulletQ: How much will it cost the taxpayer if the Chancellor gives people 50% off a trip to the pictures to prevent the economy from tanking?
bulletA: Not a lot if most cinemas are shut.

markerHow absolutely marvellous
It has been disclosed that the Notional Crime Agency has been thinking arse about face for years. It has been arresting foreign migrants for attempting to LEAVE the country whilst awarding itself pats on the back & bonuses for doing a grand job.

bullet Surprise! The smallest EbloodyU pay gap is in Romania, where no one is paid all that much.

cross symbol Under gender diversity rules, it will soon be illegal to describe drugs as auntiebiotics as the term Xcludes uncles. A search is on for a more acceptable appellation.

Far Queue symbol The Home Sec. has ordered the police to stop looking the other way when Xtinctionists & BLAME Bunchers & other pests make nuisances of themselves. But, as usual, the buggers are not listening.

cross symbol Wemen are up in arms over the decision to let men who claim to be women become eligible for the Woman's Prize for Fiction award. Customers of the Algae Boutique are particularly upset.

bullet For new university & college students, the death toll from taking drugs is far higher than that due to the Chinese plague.

marker "It's weird to go into a shop", sez Prince Hairy. But when did he ever go into a shop? What are minions for?

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bullet 'Uman bluddy rights laws have been deployed successfully to prevent locko in Madrid.

bullet Demonstrators have taken to the streets of Jakarta, the Indonesian capital, in protest against New Labour.

markerInexplicable, Inapplicable & other words beginning with ‘in’
You have to wonder about the me tooism of politics. If the Republicans in the US field a presidential candidate in his 70s, the Democrats come up with an even older guy who'll be in his 80s by the end of a first term; if he lasts that long.
   If he's a genius, who will save the world, okay. But that sure doesn't apply to Sleepy Joe.

markerNot much better
The lunch mob of international Xperts who want to let the Chinese plague run rampant among young, middle-aged and healthy people, shot themselves in the foot with the start of the second paragraph of their manifesto.
   'Coming from both the Left and Right and around the world . . .' What do politics & national origins have to do with whether someone is competent enuff to draw scientifically valid conclusions from medical data?

marker Every nasty bastard petty official in the country is praying for President Boris to ramp virus restrictions up rather than down so that the aforementioned bastards can ruin even more lives with their nastiness.
   Will there be enough lamp posts to include them in the harvest, come the revolution?

bullet Small earthquake in Perthshire on Saturday the 10th, no one killed.

bulletQ: Should we be alarmed by world record daily rises in the number of plague infections?
bulletA: If deaths are not shooting up, no. If reinfection of plague survivors is unlikely, no. Otherwise, yes.

markerDoing us a favour
The police are not bothering to prosecute people who make fraudulent successful applications for bounce-back loans in order to avoid adding the burden of court costs to the Xpected £26,000 MILLION pounds lost to the taxpayer as a result of fraud.

Far Queue symbol The Church of England has been a safe haven for paedophiles for the last 70 years, the current and everlasting child abuse inquiry has found.

bullet President Boris' claim that the whole nation will get its electricity from wind power in 2030 is bunk & hot air, the Xperts reckon. Surprise!

bullet New in-sea wind farms are to include missile batteries which will be used to defend British coastal waters to the east and south of the country from intruding foreign fishing vessels. Especially French ones.

markerThe real future reality
Xperts critical of the wind scam point out that it will be unable to supply the demand for electricity. But this is not necessarily true.
   The cost of windy leccy is likely to be so HUGE that no one who is not on the public payroll will be able to afford it. As a result, the demand for electricity in 2030 is confidently expected to be just a modest fraction of what it is today.
reader comment“Not much is being said about using a combination of hydro and wind power to store surplus energy by pumping water uphill to a reservoir above the hydro turbines. Too sensible?” Dred McGram

markerbullet Contrary to conventional wisdom, country folk are not kind, the Xperts reckon. Yokels are actually exceedingly bolshy, is this week's view from them.
   The Xperts are expected to deliver this same opinion, only about city folks, after a junket to New York.

marker Paper journalism is more valued by the customers than the fake news & entertainment on the internet, the Xperts have decided. This is even more true now than it was before the pandemic arrived.
   Stand by for the opposite to be 'true' next week.

bulletQ: How do you tell cultural appropriation from appreciation?
bulletA: By how big a ratbag the person moaning about appropriation is.

marker 40 grand to dress up in a 7-foot green dinosaur suit @ Arsenal FC? Nice work if you can get it. Oh, no. you can't, can you? The job has been binned to give the cash to some overpaid footballer.
reader comment“That £40K will definitely go a long way toward paying the £45 million transfer fee and the £230K/week salary.” Con Yakker

Vote early, vote often.
Herd immunity—is it in fashion this week? Keep checking if you're really bothered. Same with locking up the elderly.
There is no scientific justification for a 10 p.m. curfew—OFFICIAL! Same with closing pubs and eateries to slow the spread of the plague.

bullet Manchester's cosmetic mayor is attempting to foment a dangerous winter of discontent.

markerHope by the bucketful
President Trump's case of the Chinese plague was cured in record time by a miracle drug. The only side-effect of it seems to be that it turns your face orange instead of the characteristic yellow of those with the Chinese plague. Which is not really a drawback if you spend a lot of your day wearing peculiar TV make-up.

reader comment“Wouldn't it be great if a fraction of the energy wasted on waving virtue flags could be diverted to something useful?” Occasional Bling

markerHow very Covimental!
The firm Cambridge Analytica was driven into Xtinction on the basis of false allegations of the misuse of data to influence elections @ home and abroad and the referendum on EbloodyU membership, the Information Commission has confirmed. Massive compensation claims to follow against the allegators?

bullet On TV tonite, 18:00-00:05, all channels: Monster Crap

markerDo not go gentle into that nasty locko
Current conventional wisdom is that lockdowns don't prevent deaths due to the Chinese plague, they just postpone them. Which is not likely to be seen as a bad thing by anyone who is able to enjoy that extra bit of life.

reader comment“Just a thought, but what will President Boris be doing in 2030, when the wheels have come off his wind power for all scam? Because he'll be long gone from Downing Street, that's for sure.” Purty Peeved

Arrow in headmarkerThings the Chinese plague has spared us from . . .
. . . if only temporarily. Some posturing woman won't be sitting motionless in a chair for 8 hours a day in a public space whilst customers queue up to sit opposite her and pretend to be joining in a performance instead of being just a waste of space and an idler.

Far Queue symbol Something else the police are not doing anything about as a matter of policy is arresting venue staff who use track 'n' trace details to harass fanciable customers who were obliged to leave the info.

markerMore brain in neutral
People on holiday abroad should be made to self-isolate before they fly back to the UK is a brilliant government wonk idea. The customers are going to be delighted to pay to spend a week out and about in a foreign country and then pay more to spend a week confined to their hotel room before they fly home if it reduces their quarantine period here.

reader comment“Are people messing about in a canoe still able to do an Eskimo roll to get right way up if they capsize? Or are they expected to drown to avoid cultural appropriation?” Hoijin Sharma

markerNo-ël? Absobloodylutely none at all
Scottish health boards are offering track 'n' trace jobs on contracts running to the middle of 2022, such is their confidence that the Chinese plague is here to stay.
   Xperts everywhere are laying bets on a Xmas spike of the plague if the hospitality sector is allowed to reopen fully at the end of this month and the government responding by screwing down the lid and Scroogeing the Festering Season out of Xistence.
bullet The Xperts are having to lay bets because current wisdom is that the rapidly changing nature of the plague makes forecasts for the end of this year just guesses.

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His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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