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 2019/November 
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zombie humbugThere is still no F in Brexit thanks to the Westminster Wonders
—but Prime Monster Boris is doing his best to ram it up the humbuggers!
 
Lord Farage of Brexit if Nigel does the decent thing?

today's efforts

Over & out
GPs are demanding an end to home visits; they don't have time to do them. In future, patients who are too infirm to struggle to their GP's surgery will be expected to do the NHS a favour (and the decent thing) and croak quietly and quicky.

bullet The Chinese government seems to be a tad confused. The demonstrators in Hong Kong are not enemies of the people, they are the people.
reader comment“Same story in Spain, where Catalan separatists are blocking traffic trying to travel to and from France to protest against the sending to gaol of their political leaders by the communist regime in Madrid.” G.F.

Yet another way to spend other people's cash
The latest 'uman bluddy right the Xperts want to impose on a generally reluctant to be messed about nation is a right to mess about on the internet—free of charge, if necessary. [i.e. at other people's expense. Ed.]

The next lie?
Venice has been flooded as seriously as parts of Yorkshire after its defences were overwhelmed by a particularly high tide. We are now waiting for O.J. Corbynski to blame it on Tory cuts—and not mention that the cuts were necessary to repair the damage created by the last Labour government, which will look trivial compared to what a Corbynski Labour government will inflict on its customers.

Inaction Rulz, not OK
The strategy of the Metropolitan police and other forces for dealing with the fall-out from their persecution of top people and celebrities falsely accused by fantasists is to sit on their hands and do nothing until all of their victims are dead.
    Then, they will continue to sit on their hands and do nothing until all of the police officers who perverted the course of justice are dead.
    And then they will continue to sit on their hands and do nothing.


 WEEK 2 

 
Drainage crisis, but only a small one
Romiley is full of puddles but there is no danger of the River Rom bursting its banks—that's official!

Painless politics
reader comment“About the only good thing about this election is how little time you need to waste on it if you know that everything you hear from Labour is a lie and everything from the Liberals is bollocks. And everything from the BBC is Labour propaganda.” C.M.X.

The Zombie Agenda
zombie humbug According to Wee Burney, "A vote for the SNP is a vote to stop Brexit by any means possible, a vote to keep the UK in the EbloodyU with a zombie Labour Corbynski regime and a vote to take Scotland out of the UK and therefore out of the EbloodyU."
   Vindictive or what!

bullet E-ciggies are not safe. They harden the arteries and increase blood pressure, and the Xperts reckon they are not a safe recreational indulgence.

reader comment“The latest revelation about national habits is that Britons borrow £330 MILLION every day. Who's the dodgy bastard who borrows £660 MILLION on the days when I have a day off?” R.W.

bullet The NHS is gearing up to provide unhappy A&E experiences for 1 MILLION winter customers—official!

bullet Surprise! Apes made the transition to humanoids in Europe 12 million years ago, not in Africa 6 million years ago, the Xperts now reckon.

Dig a hole . . .
tick symbol The High Court has ruled that Xtinctionists have a divine right to get in everyone else's way and they are entitled to compenbloodysation from the police if arrested for making a nuisance of themselves. Which means that they will have cash to pay compensation to everyone who was inconvenienced by their antics and they are fair game for retaliation if protesting is outwith the law. Good!
reader comment“I think that 'surprise' is rather misplaced. It's typical of the current attitude of the judiciary towards bad behaviour. The worse it gets, the more they bust a gut to condone it to show how right-bloody-on and anti-Conservative they are.” N.T.

bullet Put seaweed sprinkles on chips instead of salt as the next fad-of-the-day? No substitute for a good shake of balsamic vinegar.

Get tougher
All the manufacturers of pink breast cancer stuff had better watch out. There's a rival in town who thinks that pink is much too fluffy for cancer. The business world waits eagerly to find out which colour the new player will pick.

None but the Good is Unconstitutional
"Are only Saints allowed to stand for Parliament or can we sneak in the odd Scumbag?" the Labour party is asking the electorate. 'Which we have a 'uman bluddy right to do' is implied.
reader comment“Nobody can complain if a Labour election candidate wants Tony B. Liar to come to a sticky end as it infringes the wisher's 'uman bluddy right to freedom of Xpression.” J.A.G.
[This from a writer who gave Smug Bugger a sticky end in one of his books. Ed.]

Mindless 1
Mindless 2

Wow, gosh! Panic!! The average Brit drinks 108 bottles of wine per year!! Panic!!! We’re all doomed!!
Hang on, that's two bottles per week and only a glass a day. Which is not any sort of big deal, no matter what the wibble mongers would have us believe.

cross symbol The appalling T. Watson is stepping down as an MP for personal rather than political reasons. Translation: he wants a peerage.
reader comment“Whatever his motive, we can be sure the appalling Watson is working on feathering his nest even more at everyone else's expense.” A.S.
reader comment“In his own words, he is as close to evil as any politician can get, as the blessed Little John reminds us.” M.R.

cross symbol Bad news, Comrades. Xmas has been cancelled because of Brexit. People are experiencing such high levels of frustration because of it that they can't concentrate on planning for the Festering Season.

More passing off
When did the BBC get the right to stick extra female characters in an 'adaptation' of a literary classic? We must have dozed off on the day when it was granted.

More empire-building by McRon
The French are trying to abolish NATO and put the blame on the United States. On the agenda as an alternative is a Franco-Deutsch EbloodyU army with a major share of the facilities and cash going to . . . France.

More passing off
Computer-generated cartoons of the dead actor J. Dean are to become the co-star 'lead' in a film set in the Vietnam war era. Rumours that cartoons of Marilyn Monroe will also be included in the epic have been swatted with a rolled-up newspaper.
reader comment“Could happen in some other epic, though. Why bother with today's midgets when you can make cartoons of genuine celebs do anything you want? And you don't even have to pay them.” N.C.
reader comment“If a supermarket can turn a clip from the film Casablanca into an advertising puff for its credit card . . . why not?” R.W.

Goose him off the busHow do you gee up a dismally dull political party leader? Goose the bugger off the bus! —>

bullet All references to Anglo-Saxons should be banned from now on! Some pissant control-freak in action or a valid contribution to historical accuracy? Maybe we should have a referendum on it.

bullet 'Knickers row' man quits safe seat bid. The outrage confection trade sinks to a new low.

tick symbol One good thing about Brexit is that it is preventing house prices from zooming to more insane levels than they are at now, and keeping them affordable for a few of the many. And it's keeping mortgage rates low, too.

bullet The race is on to cram a month's rain into the lowest number of hours below 24. The Guinness Book of Records is standing by, awaiting the phone call . . .

There is no reality any more, just unending weirdness
We—even we—are starting to get the feeling that this propaganda campaign about anti-Semitism in the Corbynny wing of the Labour party has reached paranoia and is now heading off towards the horizon, screaming its crazy head off.
    If the Scottish Gnats do hand O.J. the keys to 10 Downing Street, does anyone in their right mind really think that his first move in office will be to go round and shoot every Jew in the country and confiscate their assets? Or get his gang to do it?
    See the comment about the number of people in their right mind above.

More weirdness
If the Oscars are reduced to a single best actor category, instead of best male and best female as at present, the Oscar statuette will have to go. Maybe to be replaced by a fluffy bunny of indeterminate orientation. Or better, a panda as they are supposed to be impossible to sex without resorting to DNA analysis.
reader comment“If they do have a best performer award, you can be bloody sure that by some miracle, the number of male and female winners will end up balanced.” R.W.
reader comment“Same with the awkward sods who can't, or won't, reveal which sex they are. (or aren't)” G.M.

Far Queue symbol Anyone surprised that Ryanair, the world's least favourite airline, has also been voted the muckiest? Nope?

More perks for the unworthy
The defence of justifiable assault is to be removed from Scots law following complaints by MSPs, who are frequently smacked by constituents as an expression of the frustration generated by a particularly bone-headed action by someone on the public payroll.

Legal swindle frustrated
A prisoner in the United States tried to claim that he completed his life sentence when he 'died' whilst receiving emergency medical treatment in 2015. Alas, the judge refused to accept that the prisoner's heart stopping for a while and then being restarted constituted legal death. So his brief will have to come up with another fairy tale.

0/10 for Imagination
Do we really need yet another adaptation [or buggering about with, Ed.] something as well known as H.G. Wells' The War of the Worlds? Shame the BBC couldn't blow its perforce licence payers' cash on something good and original.

Far Queue symbol The head of the People's Vote campaign for another EbloodyU membership referendum has been dumped over People's Grope allegations by female staff members.

“Equality, but not as we know it, Jim.”
'Mansplaining' is clearly a sexist term confected to cause offence with a slight touch of humour. But 'whitesplaining' is just a racialist taunt intended to cause offence. But if the person using the latter offending term is female and non-white, and a baroness to boot [or one needing a boot up the backside, Ed,], she's allowed to get away with it.
reader comment“That's the thing about members of the ASAMEAOX Tendency who have failed to grasp English culture; they think they're entitled, especially to be paid as much as Gary bloody Lineker even if they've never scored a single goal in a football international match.” T.W.

CFL logo Crossover Sunday, the Eskimos in Montreal and Harris is back. The Esks' opener had a fumble ruling cancelled on review and went on to a TD for Gable. Their next possession ended in a punt for a rouge, 8-0. The Als got moving and ended the quarter at the EE 4. Stanback in for a TD in Q2, 8-7.
    Gable was shoved in to the MTL goal for 15-7. Alford took the kick off through Swiss cheese for a TD, the convert missed, 15-13. The Esks made a 3rd & 1 to their 51; just! Lots of Ellingson and a TD pass to McCarty, 22-13. Adams fired a huge pass to Bray, Stanback finished off the drive, no +2, 22-19. A 43 yard FG from Whyte made it 25-19 at half time.
    The Esks kicked another FG from their Q3 opener, 28-19. A pick by Johnson stopped the Als. The Esks were blitzed to a FG after 10 minutes, 31-19. The Als replied with a FG after losing a pathetic roughing the passer challenge. 31-22. The Esks kicked another FG in Q4, 34-22. The first sack of the match made the Als punt.
    An immediate pick by the Als set up a TD for Adams, 34-29, 8 minutes left. We got an exchange of sacks and lots of D. Another pick by Johnson gave the Esks the ball with 1:36 left. They kicked a FG when the Als failed to jump on 3rd & 1 at their 29, 37-29. 1:02 left. Johnson intercepted a jump ball fired by Adams, the end.
    Why not the crossover team?

cross symbol Using the official guestimated figure for saving Scotland from climate change as a baseline, it will cost £3,200 BILLION to do the same for the whole of the UK, and the impact on the planet's climate will be immeasurably small.

bullet Glasgow City Council has launched an ambitious programme to prove that every building, monument, famous citizen and invention made there was funded by the slave trade.

Parasites' Progress explained
The Republicans in the US, like the Conservatives here, want a low-tax economy to let people enjoy their earnings. The Democrats, like Labour and the minor parties here, want high taxes so that they can get rich by skimming cash from the other people's money that they distribute to their clients. As for the EbloodyU.

More Green 'n' Gold Action
The Carolina Panthers visited Green Bay and Moore scored a TD from their 2nd possession. GB replied with a TD from Jones, 7-all after 12 minutes. The Panthers went ahead with a FG. The Pack forced & recovered a fumble near midfield in the 3rd minute of Q2. What a catch by Adams! Jones again, 10-14.
    The snow was getting more visible. The Panthers were sacked out of FG range with 5 minutes left. GB got the benefit of a bad penalty to make up for one inflicted on the Pack earlier, Graham went 48 yards to the CP 26, not quite a TD for him. With 2 seconds left in the half, the Pack went for a TD from the CP 1 instead of kicking a FG and got stuffed.
    The CP opened Q3 with a sack but Adams was wide open on 2nd & 26. Jones sprinted to the CP 25, and went in for a TD, 10-21. The CP survived a fumble but not a pick in the GB goal. The Pack reached FG range and no more. A kick by Crosby missed but a penalty on the Panthers gave him another go, 10-24.
    The Panthers reached the red zone in Q4, McCaffrey scored a TD, no +2, 16-24, 12 minutes left, the snow looking heavier but not landing. The next CP effort was sacked to a punt. Lots of D. The Panthers ended up with 2½ minutes to go 90 yards and score a TD + 2 to draw level. The grass was going white and the footing was treacherous.
    The snow worsened into a white-out. There's a rumour going round that the Pack held on for a home win and the Panthers were held inches short of making a 4th down near the GB goal line.
   Not a brilliant night for the Zebras; maybe as many bad decisions as good ones.

Far Queue symbol Is ex-PM Dave the Leader likely to be troubled by being called fat-headed by a clown like the disgraced D. Mellor? It's unlikely.

Cross-eyed politicsCross-eyed politics
The Greens and the confused keep banging on about insulationg homes. But if we're in peril from global warming, shouldn't they be agitating for retrofitting homes with huge cooling fins to shed heat and prevent the occupants from melting? Typical arse-about-face politics from people who don't think things through.
reader comment“Floods in Yorkshire are a national emergency? Such daftness could come only from the loopy Liberal leader.” D.S.

tick symbol Nigel Farage is being love-bombed from all directions by people urging him to make Brexit happen by not getting in Boris's way. Thus far, he has agreed not to field candidates from his party in the 317 constituencies which the Conservatives won after TheRazor's disastrous last effort. Will he go further? The nation awaits his decision anxiously.

bullet The NHS is facing a new crisis; damage to legs caused by bursting/leaking hot water bottles, and also by over-exposure to them.

Far Queue symbol Bolivia's socialist pres-4-life has been forced to stand down after international observers found him guilty of fixing last month's election. O.J. Corbynski is downcast by the downfall of a fellow lefty who was too obvious in his swindling, and outraged that justice was applied to him.

Anyone with juice listening, though?
US general D. Petraeus (retired) has come out against the corrupt politicians and legal vultures who are creating imaginary war crimes for fun and profit. We're getting more noises in this vein on this side of the Atlantic, but precious little in the way of action to end the abuse.
reader comment“War biz is great biz for crooks and hypocrites and lefty pals of terrorists. ” G.C.
reader comment“Talking about hypocrites, we get all the sad faces parading on Rememberance Day; unless they were trapped by floods like O.J.; and then they turn their back again on persecuted ex-soldiers.” C.M.

cross symbol Some shops are banning Xmas songs to spare their staff the ordeal of having to listen to the same bloody stuff over and over for hours on end.

CFL logo It was dead cold in Calgary for the Western semi-final between the Blue Bombers and the Stampeders, and not all of the snow had been swept off the pitch. No sign that the sun was melting it!
    47 yards for DPI put the CS at the BB 5, 3rd & 1 & goal; TD for Begelton. Lots of D then Mitchell was picked by Jones in the last minute of Q1 at the BB 7. Collards to Adams to the 41 but a punt in Q2. Jeffcoat forced a safety to open the BB account, 2-7. Medlock added a FG, 5-7. Lots of D. A 53 yard punt return by Jerome set up another TD for Begelton. Medlock kicked a 52 yarder to close the half at 8-14.
    A 33-yard TD for Demski in the 6th minute of Q3 put the BB 15-14 ahead. The BB ended the quarter in FG range, Medlock again in Q4, 18-14. Almost a lost ball from a BB punt return, saved by no yards on the Stamps. Collards to Adams, 71 yards for a TD, 25-14 after 4 minutes. Taylor took a pick to the CS 34, Medlock put a FG through off the right post, 28-14, 7 minutes left.
    Maston stopped the Stamps with a pick, +15 yards for roughhousing. Streveler came on for a dive in to the goal, 35-14 and the normally mighty Stampeders looking like losing at home!!!! They woke up a bit, but went out on a 3rd & 1. The Bombers ate clock with Streveler in charge and booked a place in the Western final @ Regina.

tick symbol Good news! The UK isn't going into a technical recession. That's bound to make an absolutely HUGE difference to everyone's life. [Or not. Ed.]

tick symbol The Xperts have calculated that J. Corbynski's lunatic fiscal policies would dig a hole in Britain's finances in just ONE YEAR which would be even huger than the one dug by Gordon F. Broon in 13 YEARS of Labour misrule.

Stand-up Politics?
All this stuff Labour is coming out with—ban the rich, ban private schools, dish out more cash to their clients than there is in the whole world . . . One does get the distinct feeling that they don't expect to win the election and they are just taking the opportunity to take the piss out of the whole thing.
reader comment“It certainly explains why O.J. is tossing around promises to spend BILLIONs of imaginary cash after he's expelled all the rich people. And trying to weaponize the floods in Yorkshire, where Labour local councils are doing nowt.” N.T.
reader comment“And why his stooges are already setting up Russian hackers as their alibi for losing.” R.W.


 WEEK 1 

 
ZomkinLet us not forget that yesterday was Bollocks to Berko Day!!
 
A nation rejoices!
 
Na, na, naaa-na, na, na, naaa-na, hey, hey, hey, go-oo-od-bye!

reader comment“Maybe we can make the Monday nearest to October 31st the official Bollocks to Berko Bank Holiday to give everyone who's in the wealth-creation sector a break in the long national holiday drought between August and December.” G.I.
reader comment“If there's any whingeing about too many bonk holidays, we could always abolish the May Day one, which is totally superfluous, given its proximity to Easter and the Spring BH.” K.M.

bulletQ: When is a pair of underpants worth $25M?
bulletA: When they lead to the termination of the head of a terrorist gang thanks to a mole who offered them as evidence of identification.

Is there something about London which rots the brain?
We have abundant evidence that the people put in charge of the Metropolitan police are incapable of both good judgement and good sense such that the lives of innocent people are trashed by their neglect and people can even end up dead.
   The same applies to the Fire Brigade and as for that bunch of zombie humbugs @ the Palace of Westmonster . . .
reader comment“No doubt, if they're ever brought to book [wild laughter, Ed.], they will claim to be victims of pollution and their lawyers will demand HUGE amounts of compenbloodysation in addition to being allowed to retire early on a HUGE, if undeserved, pension.” L.E.
reader comment“Let us not forget all the local council members and council officers who put good sense on hold when at work. Mainly Labour but not exclusively.” S.V.

Pollock Vindicated
The American (piss-)artist J. Pollock's action paintings were made with skill and purpose, the Xperts have finally concluded. They have genuine visual complexity created by design rather than as an accidental consequence of chucking paint at a canvas at random, which is something which chimps, elephants and pretentious gits can do.
reader comment“No doubt whoever it was who paid $200M for No. 17A is feeling vindicated too.” R.W.

cross symbol Criminals attempting to smuggle drugs ashore @ Florida's coastline hit on the idea of painting their semi-submersible boat green. Presumably in the hope that the US Coast Guard would assume from the colour that they were saving The Planet, not trying to exploit the pesky and unwanted humans living on it.

Bonfire of the Remoaners
Tory turncoats who betrayed their party to frustrate Brexit are abandoning politics to follow the rash of Bliarite Labour MPs, who sashayed into the public sector to cash in. There's always some mug who will toss a company's cash at a has-been.

Seasonal Disorder?
The Gits have taken over @ Sheffield university, where wearing a Halloween sombrero was banned because it's racist and mocks and demeans and insults the Mexican race and their disabilities. Which is total bollocks.
reader comment“Especially the notion that only disabled people wear sombreros. I've seen lots of perfectly able-bodied banditos wearing them in films.” M.G.
reader comment“Anyone remember when people went to university to learn real stuff which might actually be useful in life in the real world?” C.P.

Those with most to hide shout loudest
The fake news industry is struggling to keep up with the demands of Princess Mhegan and her cohort of female MPs, who are ignoring protocol to confect outrage on an industrial scale as part of their agenda for state control of the news meeja and suppression of reports of their own shameful exploits and crimes against humanity.

cross symbol Motorists are such unreliable idiots that the Transport Department is considering making just thinking about a personal phone whilst driving a car; never mind using it; a criminal offence worth gaol time!
reader comment“This is probaly what's at the back of all the Dash for 5G agitation—the means to put a spy camera in every car for a bank of super-Gooble-computers to monitor for evidence of personal phone activity.” G.O.

Needs must
There has been a lot of flak directed at NetFlix for providing a gadget that lets the customer zoom through a slow-developing programme at a brisk walk @ 1.25x speed, or a moderate run @ 1.5x speed.
    But if you're a Snoflake who thinks you're going to go extinct in 2030, or an oldie who doesn't expect to last that long, there's a lot to get through to get your money's worth out of life, and you can't really afford an attention span of greater than four seconds.

reader comment“If Corbynski wants to export all the rich people, who's he going to steal money from? His clients don't have any, and they rely on hand-outs from the wealthy. If O.J. cuts off their lifeline, he's liable to end up strung up on a lamp post before he's settled in @ 10 Downing Street.” C.R.

Moderated enthusiasm
Are we knocked out by the prospect of a Bridget Riley retrospective? With reservations. The optical movements, which she designed and got underlings to paint, are great. The strips, not so much. Same with the rhomboids.
reader comment“Same with the Seurat pastiches.” R.W.

zombie humbugPay more attention in future!
There's someone in Chorley who actually thinks that the coming general election will elect MPs who think they are servants of the public. Clearly someone who has failed to notice what lying, tricky humbuggers MPs really are.
reader comment“Clearly a customers for the yellow van and the men in white coats!” C.B.

bullet If you want to be fireproof against a charge of negligent homicide, get a job driving a tram in Croydon.

Still too big to go bust, or Begging bowl to be out-thrust again
The banks are going to go bust again. They are having to pay out so much for their PPI scams and the predations of scammers that there will be no cash left after they've paid the enormous wages of the managers and directors who let all this happen.

Not that it matters, but . . .
Help! We've been getting a month's rain in a day so often recently that those who haven't been paying close enough attention have lost track of where we are. Are we still getting rain from 2020's quota, or have we slipped over into 2021's quota?

Fraud condoned
As usual, the police and the electoral authorities will take no action against students who register to vote at their parents' home and register another vote where they are studying; as long as they promise to vote Labour.

Far Queue symbol A town with lots of white buildings can no longer be called the Little White Town as the name upsets racial bigots.

CFL logo Friday Night Football: the Als in Ottawa, where the pitch still looks v. tatty. A kick off rouge for MTL, who delivered a quick 2 & gone to the Redblacks. Adams took the Als to a 1st & goal, and fired a TD pass to Lewis. Another rouge from the kick off, 9-0. The RBs got moving to a FG after 13 minutes, 9-3.
    Wieneke took a TD pass 3 minutes in to Q2, 16-3. Another FG for the RBs after 7 minutes, 16-6. The Als were sacked out of FG range and punted for a single. They had to give up a safety in the 14th minute, 17-8. The RBs zoomed to FG range; a sack but Ward was accurate from 47 yards, 17-11.
    Shilz on for the Als, a TD for MTL 19 three minutes in to Q3 and another rouge from the kick off, 25-11. The RBs marched to a TD pass to Harris? Down at the 1, TD for Jennings instead, 25-18. The Als kicked a FG after 13 minutes, 28-18.
    DPI in goal by the Als in Q4 put the RBs at their 1, another TD for Jennings, the convert missed and was nearly returned for 2 the other way! 28-24. A 35-yard sprint by Williams after 7 minutes, 35-24. Ward missed another RB FG try. A goal-line stand by the Als went pear-shaped. What sort of idiot lines up with both hands past the white line? TD for Jennings, +2, 35-32 with 1:41 left. The Als punted but a pick-6 by Murray right away put the game away, 42-32 final.

The psychology of Xmas
Clumsily wrapped presents create low expectations and increase the delight factor if they contain something good. Elegantly wrapped parcels create high expectations and something good in them is no more than what is expected.

Dirty-pool politics, not public safety
There is a world of difference between earth tremors due to fracking which are higher than those legally permitted, and earth tremors which can actually be felt by people on the surface, and also earth tremors which cause structural damage. Mainly because the legally permitted level has been set deliberately very low to make sure the fracking industry can't operate in the UK to pander to the global warming fraudsters. We're earthquake experts here in Romiley and we know.

Wee Burney ZombieOne woman’s vanity or a few financial facts of life
1. As a member of the UK, Scots get a subsidy from English taxpayers of close to £2K per head and an independent Scotland will not be entitled to this sub.
    2. As a member of the UK, which is a member pro-tem of the EbloodyU, the Scots are entitled to EbloodyU grants. The EbloodyU is not a wealth-creating organization and these handouts are cash from English taxpayers LESS the admin fees skimmed off by the EbloodyU.
    3. As a non-member of the UK, an independent Scotland will not be a member of the EbloodyU and all grants from this source will dry up.
    4. Without the above direct and indirect subsidies from English taxpayers, will the Scots be willing to take a drastic cut in living standards to make Wee Burney Sturgeon the first president of Scotland?
    5. If they are, we in England will applaud their sacrifice and enjoy spending the cash which doesn't go north to Scotland and south to the EbloodyU. And if we can stop the leaks west to Wales and Northern Ireland . . . whooooh!

Look after it now!
The idiot who left a 310-year-old violin worth a quarter of a million quid on a train has been reunited with his treasure. He got it back at a police-observed handover in a supermarket car park. The bloke who strolled off with the abandoned fiddle announced that he had made a mistake. Presumably, in thinking that he could get away with an act of theft of lost property of such rarity and high value.

cross symbol The BBC is starting to become embarrassed by the antics of its non-white female staff, who think they have a divine right to be rude to visitors of whom they don't approve, especially if they are male and white. Even more embarrassing for the Beeb are the leaks about the subsequent apologies, which BBC managers had to make to the offended visitors.

Fresh start
Catologists have given up hope of re-establishing the wildcat in Scotland. The dwindling isolated pockets of them are too full of hybrids of genuine wildcats and feral domestic animals. The Xperts are now hoping to create pure wildcat colonies in suitable stretches of woodland in England and Wales.

cross symbol Party-poopers in California have blown the bottom out of the online rent-for-a-party trade with a Halloween massacre in Orinda, a posh suburb of San Francisco.

bullet Israel and the Palestinians of Gaza have begun to exchange Xmas presents early this year—bombs for rockets.

The Downfall of Decadence
Is the human race becoming unglued? Or there already? The upcoming generataion are drama queens, who have fantasies of Xtinction, which lets them claim to be victims of their parents' generation.
    Their grandparents' generation, meanwhile, is able to throw all the blame for the state of The Planet on their children and also embrace the drama queen culture.

alien invaders

The only good thing about this sorry scenario is that if evil aliens turn up looking for somewhere to conquer, they'll take one look at the sorry crew on Earth and move on rapidly in search of somewhere worth oppressing.
reader comment“Such as somewhere where most of the natives don't have diabetes caused by o'besity?” R.W.

Take it or do without
The power companies have very sneakily scrapped all mechanical meters and driven their manufacturers out of business to force customers who need a replacement to be obliged to take a dodgy electronic one.

CFL logo Another Super Saturday for Week 21 and the close of the regular season. The Eskimos visited the Roughriders, who opened the scoring with a FG and picked off a bad pass to get back to FG range again. After a small riot, Thigpen went in for a TD and 0-10 after 14 minutes. The Riders missed 2 FG tries in Q2.
    In Q3, the Esks made a 3rd & inches, Daniels fired a pass 45 yards to Smith, who took a TD pass from Kilgore. The convert was blocked, 6-10. Kilgore fumbled the ball away and gave the Riders a chance to miss another FG! The Esks gave up a safety a minute later, 6-12. A TD pass to Elliott put the Esks 13-12 in front in the last minute of the quarter.
    The Riders missed another long FG try in Q4. A short one missed for a single after 7 minutes, 13-all. Lauther managed a 12-yard FG for 13-16 with 1:30 left and a pick-6 by Judge made SK 13-23 winners and the Best in the West.

Don't vote, it only encourages them
If all the parties in the coming election are offering greenwash bollocks in their manifesto, there's no real point in voting for any of them.

Far Queue symbol 7-time election loser N. Farage of the Brexit Bunch will not take the risk of being unlucky (or unwanted) an 8th time. He won't be standing as a candidate in next month's election.

CFL logo Saturday Soup #2: The Argos in Hamilton. A pick-6 by Richardson opened the Argos' account after 6 minutes. The convert missed, 6-0. The Cats fumbled away their next possession. They dodged a pick in goal thanks to a penalty and a TD run by Marshall put them 6-7 ahead in the 14th minute.
    In Q2, the Cats fielded a short punt and were held to a FG, 6-10. Bang! One play, Prukop to Smith for a TD, 13-10. Another TD for Marshall put the Cats 13-17 ahead. The Argos replied with a FG, 16-17. The Argos picked a tipped pass and a FG try went over the left post (?) for a single, 17-all.
    The Cats reached the TA 8 in Q3, only to be intercepted in goal by Darby. A punt by the Argos bounced off the TC crossbar and went in to the goal for nowt! in the 10th minute. A punt by the Cats which scored a rouge was wiped out by a penalty.
    A pick by Darby stopped the Cats in Q4. Nothing from it? The Cats were done for killing the punter but the Argos had to punt after a huge play to Gittens was wiped out by a challenge. The Cats punted for a rouge with 6 minutes left, 17-18. A FG try by the Argos after the 3MW was a dreadful miss for a single, 18-all. The holder missed the tee. The Cats battled to FG range and an 18-21 win to deliver a perfect season at home.

Far Queue symbol The Tories and Labour are making spending pledges which will make Gordon F. Broon look like a miser. Where will all the cash come from? Who knows? The Liberals have invented a Bremoan Bonus of 100 godzillion quid over the next 10 minutes, which is by far the daftest fantasy of the campaign thus far.

Far Queue symbol Some theatres are abandoning addressing the customers as 'ladies and gentlemen' in case someone who doesn't know which they are drops in.

CFL logo Finally, the Stampeders in Vancouver, where they got a FG from their opening drive. A pick by Lee left the Lions backed up and they conceded a safety, 5-0. A FG after 14 minutes put the CS 8-0 ahead. The Lions managed a FG in Q2, and the Stamps kicked one after 7 minutes, 11-3. Another after 14 minutes, 14-3.
    Bridge came on for O'Brien in Q3, but O'Brien returned after DPI in goal to score a TD, 14-10. Lotz of D, the Stamps did nothing with a fumble recovery. A scrambling Bridge threw a pick in Q4, no damage. A TD by Mayala with 3 minutes left put the game away, 21-10. BC replied with a TD for 16 but no +2, 21-16. An on-side kick was fielded by the Stamps. They had to punt but they got the ball back from an interception and ran out the clock.

Labour lying git
Far Queue symbol Both the Tories and Labour are promising to restore free TV licences for the over-75s. Typically, the appalling T. Watson is telling the deliberate lie that the Tories killed the perk when he, and everyone else, knows it was the BBbloodyC wot dunnit.

reader comment“If Labour doesn't win the election and O.J.C. doesn't become PM, then Jewish interests will claim it was their success due to withdrawing their support. But they won't be able to prove they had anywhere near that much influence. But hey, it's politics, not real life.” J.M.

tick symbol If you get fired for having an affair with a colleague at work, £21 MILLION as a pay-off from a HUTAgonian purveyor of junk food sounds fairly reasonable.

bullet It had to happen—the government sticking its hand in the pocket of drone fliers for a licence fee.

cross symbol The Grenfell Tower survivors are in real danger of losing any residual sympathy if they get involved in confecting outrage on behalf of of Labour party election propaganda.

bullet Smoke from Bonfire Night blazes is expected to take 18-23 weeks to clear from the atmosphere and its sunlight blocking effect is expected to reduce daytime temperatures by 8-13 deg.C over the coming months.

Cheats ever
The Labour-supporting postal union is planning to go on strike during the election campaign in an attempt to delay and invalidate postal votes from supporters of the Conservatives. No one is surprised.
reader comment“Something MI-5 needs to look in to for evidence of the Russians exerting influence?” M.C.

tick symbol The replacement Commons speaker, L. Hoyle, who saw off Captain Underpants and Horrible Harperson, is promising to restore to the job, the dignity which was eroded during the Berko years.

More do-as-I-say
The Xperts have found that private education is a Good Thing, which explains why so many lefty luvvies send their offsppring to private schools. Which somehow never get closed down despite all the spouting by Labour MPs. Especially the hypocrites who pretend that private education is a Bad Thing.

bullet The government is cutting some of the cuts in sums paid to the people running local post offices by The Post Office, but not until April.

Virtue flagging?
The NHS is short of cash. Perpetually short of cash. And yet it plans to track blood donations and tell the donor where the blood was used. Which proves that no matter how short of cash the NHS is, some idiot will always come up with a way to waste it on a pointless gimmick.
reader comment“As a blood donor for decades, I never used to bother where my donations went. A totally wacko idea.” C.D.

cross symbol The things ancient luvvies come out with to get noticed now include: "I always carry a knife, especially when I hob with the nobs at the House of Useless Humbuggers."

bullet Tripewriter—what journalists and other scribes used to use before the Confuser Age dawned.

Left-handed favour
As well as the postal union, a rail union is going on strike for a month in December to remind everyone in the south-east of England just how rotten life gets when Labour is in government.
reader comment“Who's next?” A.S.
reader comment“The strike is over driver-only trains, which are safe to operate, but the union sees only the loss of income from subscriptions if guards are no longer needed. That's a threat to the living standards of its officers.” O.G.

Another no-no
The government of China has joined the long list of agitators who are trying to create no-go areas @ universities. Criticism of the oppressive communist regime there is seen as being as heinous as wearing a sombrero or clapping hands.

Far Queue symbol The EbloodyU is so desperate to klingon to the cash which it screws out of the UK that the bosses are prepared to rubbish the O.J. Corbynski Brexit plan, which is 'naive and unrealistic and never going to happen'.

Greenhouse GhretaEverywhere . . . all the timeGreenhouse Ghreta
Greenhouse Grrreta is to have herself cloned so that she can establish a presence in every major city where global warming fraudsters junket.
    The object of the exercise is to let her avoid the need to travel so that she can claim carbon-neutral virtue points when she does a whinge at the rotten 'uman bloody race for stealing her future, ect., ect., when the mood takes her.
reader comment“Greenhouse Grrrrrreta should lead the Xtinction rent-a-mob in Delhi? No, she should keep on walking to Beijing and see where it gets her.” C.W.
reader comment“Just think how lucky Grrrrreta is not to have been around when the Monty Python crew were lampooning the world's eccentrics.” E.I.

Far Queue symbol Corbynski's Biggest Election Lie (thus far) is that the B. Johnson trade deal with the US will add £500 MILLION/week to the NHS drug bill.

bullet Drinking coffee prevents liver cancer, the Xperts reckon. Hooray!

reader comment“Today's rain—is it from a storm with a cute name or is it just ordinary rain-type rain? Only it's impossible to tell the difference without a clue from the Xperts.” R.W.

We've had more than enough of YOU, mate!
It's hardly an election calamity for Labour if someone as tainted as Corbynski's appalling deputy T. Watson quits before he's sacked. It's just one small step on a long, long road toward something resembling decency.
reader comment“If Watson is supposed to be a 'moderate', you can imagine how vicious the lick-his-boots Corbynnies get.” D.F.

Far Queue symbol There appears to be a blackened thread of dishonesty running through the veganist cult if they are prepared to pay £1.75 to pretend to be eating a pork pie.

Ultimate vanishing trick
It's really Xtreme and you'd have to be really desperate to do it, but if you do a John Stonehouse and leave your clothes on a beach and arrange for one of your hands to be found in a shark's stomach, it's possible to get yourself declared legally dead.
reader comment“Alternatively, you could bribe/blackmail/intimidate the people @ the forensic laboratory into identifying someone else's hand as yours. Once it's been cremated, there's just a paper trail left rather than physical evidence.” H.P.

Well off-target judgement
Are sharks actually 'vicious' predators or are they just carnivorous animals which eat anything that crosses their path? Maybe they're really quite sensitive souls and they're maligned because they lack the capacity to say, "Sorry, mate!" before they bite your head off.
reader comment“Vicious or compassionate, you're just as dead by the time the predator has finished with you.” D.A.


Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, November MM19 like anyone cares