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 WEEK 3     Up to 100% Vlad-free does include 0% Vlad-free, Comrades

The way ahead
bullet About all our prime minister can do now, as she contemplates the ruins of the Brexit plan foisted off on a Bremoaner Cabinet, is head off to Munich for a conference with the German leader and return in triumph, waving a piece of paper and proclaiming 'Peace for our time'.

An idea before its time . . .
bullet Back in 1967, they were talking about using nuclear explosions to release gas trapped in shale oil deposits. It would be worthwhile reviving the idea, if only to watch the anti-fracking lobby going into a terminal tailspin.

Cosmetics rule
police helmet Why have the police become wolf-whistle knee-jerkers? Because of their diversity agenda. People in uniform who are harassing wolf-whistlers don't need to be fit and healthy or intelligent or even able to speak English very well. Result? The Chief Constabule gets all his boxes ticked and the politicians are happy.
   The only people who aren't happy as the customers who have been burgled, robbed by scooter bandits, beaten up or swindled and then ignored by the police, even though they have paid their taxes and the wages of the ignoring coppers.

Far Queue symbol SadGeek Khan't—what an advert for city mayors! Mind you, citizens in Greater Manchester aren't pointing any fingers. We have the Stafford Hospital Guy as our Labour-list mayor.

We can do patronizing, Comrades!
The leader of the free world Is the Donald Trump likely to be impressed by wimmin banging pots & pans and yelling in his general direction? One in any direction they choose when he's scores of miles away?
   But if it gives the wimmin, their kids and the token males a spot of exercise in the fresh air, maybe their efforts weren't entirely wasted.

Another Trump Triumph
The leader of the free world President Putin was delighted to hear that President Trump has gee'd up those NATO nations, which were underspending on their defence commitments and leaving it all to United States.
   The more they spend, the more Russian government can justify spending on army and police to keep borders secure and unsocial elements within our great country suppressed.

Far Queue symbol J.C. Druncker, the EC president, had to be wheeled around at a NATO booze-up because he kept falling over while he was doing the room. He claims he was put in a wheelchair due to sciatica rather than being alcoholically legless.
   If true, this suggest that he's so desperate for a free drink that he'll endure any public humiliation necessary to get one. Not a very positive image for the EU, Comrades.
A genuine sciatica sufferer cast doubt on the explanation:
reader comment“If your sciatic nerve goes off, you don't walk around. You come to a dead stop and wait for the pain to stop. It's bloody excruciating. And you don't do anything to set it off again.”

Far Queue symbol In the competition to become Britain's Most Hated Plonker, M. Boon of Govis Thameslink, which runs Southern Rail, is working hard to overtake Oily Robbins, the PM's personal Brexit saboteur.

No news – the BBC way
bullet The BBC has a cunning way of making sure that its fiddles in relation to staff wages go undetected. It puts confidentiality clauses in contracts of employment. Which means that anyone who dares to reveal how much they are paid gets the bullet for breach of contract.

Any excuse for a skive
bullet Where was President Corby of Labour on the second Friday of the month? Hard at work in Parliament on behalf of his constituents? Nope, he was swanning around with the drones who didn't have a job to go to.
   Ain't life grand when you have your hand thrust into the taxpayer's pocket, Comrades?
reader comment“President Corb is only being a git because he's jealous of Boris and President Trump didn't say Jezzer would make a great PM.”
reader comment“I've heard most of the people who were 'protesting' against President Trump's visit aren't proper Brits at all. Most of them are illegal immigrants living off the British taxpayer, which explains why they don't have to work on a Friday.”

Some countries have freedom
bullet 100 million on the streets of London in protest against President Trump's visit? They would never have dared try that in Paris, Comrades. The CRS would have been in full bash-the-terrorists mode and the hospitals would have been full of broken bodies of traitors who had been insulting the French nation with their shameful banners and displays of thuggery.

bullet Peas and carrots are going extinct at farms in Britain due to the heat wave.

Stunt? Non event
bullet Greenpeace is making a lot out of having a couple of its exhibitionists staying at his hotel in Turnberry at the same time as President Trump. But Security knew who they were and they knew they'd be shot if they tried any funny business. So nothing happened, Comrades.

bullet Russian Ambassodor can confirm that bottle of Novichok Soviet era nerve poison found at home of C. Rowley does not bear fingerprints of V. Putin.

Definite danger zone!
bullet What's a good reason for not emigrating to Greenland? Well, you could find a monster iceberg crashing into your living room during what passes for the summer there.

Always an excuse
police helmet Britain's police chiefs, through their trade unions, have confirmed that they understand that the public have real concerns about crime but they (the Chief Cons) are faced with the challenges of crime of increasing complexity.
   Translation: They're too busy inventing imaginary hate crimes to give a rat's arse about real crimes like burglary, mugging, arson, extortion and murder, so don't waste your breath moaning about it.

Dumbing sideways
bullet Universities are banning the use of the phrase 'as you know' by their lecturers on the grounds that snoflake students don't know and an assumption that they should makes them feel ignorant and inferior.

bullet IRA terrorists have been tossing fireworks at G. Adams to let him know that he is now as unpopular with his pals as T. May is with the Tory party.

bullet Enemies of the USA: 1. the EU, 2= Russia and China.

bullet The US State Department has denied that President Trump refused to meet J. Corbyn and N. Sturgeon on the grounds that they are minor and unimportant political figures. There just wasn't time in a busy schedule for him to meet anyone other than the British head of state and her prime minister and still get in his round of golf.

bullet Russian fake news is best in world — it's official, Comrades!

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

 WEEK 1         We're feeling Vlad all over!

There's always an excuse
bullet Reservoirs are well filled after a wet spring but water companies are complaining that they can't treat it fast enough to meet demand, so that's the real reason why they want rationing.
   And then there are all those leaks of treated water, which they can't be bothered to fix . . .
bullet All this hot weather is particularly bad for the Scots, who are not used to sweltering. They're having to put out gorse fires; nothing as dramatic as the Saddleworth Moor fire, though; and their water companies are making noises about rationing despite their hugely wet spring.

Nichevo, Comrades
bullet The Scottish government has bee outed for trying to hide 8 large pieces of Bad News, including the abandonment of their flagship education reforms, behind Wee Burney's latest reshuffle.
   Yet the Gnats are offering mocking smiles to their critics on the advice of their new Russian PR consultant, who has assured them that everything will be forgotten by the end of next week.

Just bloody get on with it
bullet The experts reckon they may never find the cause of the latest fire at the Glasgow School of Art as the building is in such a crumbly condition. Which means that the council needs to take the pragmatic solution: accept that the building is as much a write-off as anything destroyed during the Glasgow Blitz, knock the wreck down and build something new.
   That makes so much more sense than wasting a year faffing about in the ruins, not finding a cause for a fire, then spending five years and untold millions on something that looks vaguely like the original Mackintosh design.
   No doubt the other businesses on Sauchiehall Street would be grateful for a fast solution to let them restart their businesses.

Pragmatism rulz, okay
bullet The AA thinks that no government is ever going to force councils to get a grip on potholes and, therefore, learner drivers should be trained to deal with them and the driving test should contain a dedicated practical section on the art of spotting an avoiding potholes.

bullet Comrade Corbyn has joined the Liberals' crusade to make possession of cannabis okay; and later, presumably, compulsory.
   Comrade Corbyn stresses that he is not planning to take up smoking pot himself. He's doing it only to keep his yoof section on-side. Young Corbynites, apparently, become very narked when they break the law and find themselves being arrested for doing so.

March of the Identifiers
bullet Instead of making TV programmes which people might want to watch, and acting as the Labour Party's propaganda wing, the BBC has decided to waste lots of licence-payers' cash on working out how to put a disproportionate number of transgender individuals in its top jobs as an exercise in virtue signalling.
   Be assure that they would never be able to get away with crap like this in Russia, Comrades!

bullet Sexism, in the form of an all-woman radical participation festival, is okay. But try running an equivalent blokes-only festival and see how far you get!

Far Queue symbol Where do criminals who are wanted in France go? Israel, apparently. If Israel is in the Eurovision network, how come there is no extradition treaty?

O'Bummer: no friend of Britain
bullet Another piece of fake news has been sunk, Comrades. Then British Prime Minister D. Cameron did get then President O'Bummer to warn that the UK would be put at the back of the US's trade deal queue as part of Project Fear. All the official denials, on both sides, were just the usual political lies and BS.

bullet Will President Trump really pick cheese-eating surrender monkeys over British bulldogs as his best friends if Britain doesn't do more to boost its warmongering capacity?
   And will anyone notice a difference?

The march to Socialist catastrophe
bullet Comrade Corbyn has appointed himself a political advisor to the new president of Mexico, who is promising to take on the drug cartels and corrupt politicians and police and army officers. He hopes to help Señor Lopez Obrador to turn his country into a new Venezuela in a period as short as 1-2 years.

Time to be tough
reader comment“Prime Minister should stop messing with EU. If they offer nothing, not even talks about talks, she should tell them: ‘Far Queue, EU. We do trade deal with Russia instead.’ See how they like that!”

bullet D. Cameron is giving T.B. Liar severe competition in the race to be named Britain's Worst Prime Monster of All Time. But BFN still has its money on the sleazy Mr. Liar. He is a sound bet, if ever there was one.

Reasonable Assumption
bullet Hard-working women are 63% more likely to get diabetes, according to the experts. Which means that any females who don't get diabetes must be slackers. And we know who you are, Comrades.

Victory Assured
bullet A survey of football fans has found that 84% of people in all British Isles will support Russia if we face Brazil in World Cup final. Cheating and Ronald Ho diving in penalty area are main reason why British people would prefer to see Brazil lose.
bullet Forget West Germany 7, Brazil 1. Putin Panthers will win nine to nil!

Carry On Riding
bullet Attempts to exclude British champion cyclist C. Froome from Tour de France have collapsed in abject failure, which exposed inadequacies of current drug-testing procedures; something about which we in Russia know great deal.

bullet Political quote of the week: “The discrimination and bigotry which the transgender community is creating is unacceptable in today's society. We need a culture change.”

Spot the difference
bullet Trade union leader L. McClusky would have us believe that prime minister is held prisoner by dogmatists and fantasists of far right, and that he and other dogmatists and fantasists of far left are feeling ignored. Tough titty, Comrade. Grow a set.

bullet Russian government has issued vigorous denial that it had anything to do with latest poisoning incident at Amesbury, Wiltshire.

bullet Nick, the coppers' nark, who thrilled so many gullible top cops with his fantastic tales of a VIP abuse ring, has been charged with fraud and attempting to pervert the course of justice. No police officers who were his willing dupes have (yet) been charged with misconduct in a public office.

Attention masochists
bullet Anyone thinking of flying with Ryanair might have to think again. Their pilots are talking strike again and the sinister shadow of Ryangrounded is looming again. Other airlines are available and just as annoying.

bullet The total of wildfires burning in England and Wales has reached 19.

Cogito hairdo naffThe modern sayings of
René Descartes:
Cogito hairdo naff!

Look out!
bullet Customers are advised to watch their step if they go to France; it's the riot season there. Shops and vehicles are going up in flames, especially in Nantes in the west of the country.
   The excuse in this particular instance was the death at the hands of the police of a thief from Paris, who was trying to hide out in the immigrant ghetto. A police officer shot him when the suspect tried to run him over.

Look out! Part II
bullet If you're a bad guy, you need to watch your step in Italy, where the police forces in 11 cities have been issued with tasers for the first time to find out if they provide officers with effective protection.
   Police in Bologna, Brindisi, Caserta, Catania, Florence, Milan, Naples, Padua, Palermo, Reggio Emilia and Turin are all getting tasers. BGs are advised to stick to Rome (apart from the Vatican), Venice or somewhere else which isn't in the scheme.

Tired of being tarred with bad guy brush
bullet Russian ambassador to Sweden has taken local prime minister to task for calling Glorious Soviet Union a major threat though campaigns of foreign interference. Next Swedish government needs to reevaluate its policy toward peace-loving people of Soviet Union, the ambassador added.
   Successive Swedish governments have attempted to deny rights of Russian citizens living in Ukraine, have made miserable complaints about Russian fighters carrying out practice bombing runs over Swedish territory, and outraged whole region with massive military exercises, which included overseas troops as well as Swedish troops.
   We in Russia are well aware that you have upcoming election in September, Comrades, our ambassador said in conclusion. And we will be taking appropriate action.

bullet The Comrades at the BBC have managed to adjust their gender pay difference figures; partly by rigging the way the numbers are calculated.
[And they used to claim that Soviet Union had monopoly on numerical fraud! Ed.]

bullet A Belgian plot to spread a listerine epidemic throughout Europe using sweetcorn which was produced in Hungary has been thwarted. Only 9 deaths so far.

Non-survival of the unwanted
bullet The South Africans have come up with an interesting deterrent to rhino poaching on their game reserves. They park gangs of lions in the vicinity of the rhinos and let the lions eat any poachers who dare to try to kill the rhinos.

Not swimming, broiling
bullet Sales of sun-blocker and sunburn treatment for ornamental fish have reached record levels as the heat wave continues.
   Our expert said: "Fish are too dumb to realize their skin will suffer damage if they stay too near the surface of their habitat in weather like this."
   So now, you know.

May betrays Brexit : Tories doomed in next election
Far Queue symbol Her big mistake was to ask what the EU would accept in the way of a deal and go beyond that. What she should have done, of course, is decide what's the least we're willing to give and offer even less for wiggle room.
   Oh, for another Mrs. Thatcher; someone with a few principles and stickability.

bullet Amazon is planning to launch a Sub-Prime free TV channel or two; but we all remember what happened when sub-prime was applied to mortgages, don't we?

Okay, which is it?
According to which expert is pontificating, the Russian lethal weapon Novichok ‘effectively lasts forever' or such toxins are generally unstable and should break down gradually over time. It would be nice to know which set of experts is right.
reader comment“The big suspicion is that the couple in Amesbury are victims of a fresh attack by the Russians, which is aimed at muddying the waters and pretending that they were not responsible for trying to kill the Skripals 4 months ago.”
   [This is total capitalist BS. Ed.]

Useless vs Useless
reader comment“Is anyone going to bother to vote at the next general election? Our current choice seems to be between Unelectable A – what Cameron and May have done to the Conservative party vs Unelectable B – what Bliar/Brown/Corbyn have done to Labour.”

Never miss a chance to pushing a fake news agenda!
bullet Surrey is experiencing clusters of earthquakes similar to the ones which rocked Romiley back in October 2002. Anti-frackers tried to blame the quakes on drilling by oil companies. The wheels came off their fake news campaign when the Oil & Gas Authority revealed that there had been no drilling in the area and the British Geological Survey added that fracking would not have caused these quakes.
bulletRussian government wishes it to be known that Russian gas companies do not pay anti-frackers to spread fake news in UK. They do it of their own accord.
bulletThe last noticeable earthquake in Romiley took place at 00:58½ on 2008/02/27.

Know your own limitations
bullet What do you do if you're a major high street retailer and you come up against a guy who keeps buying stuff and bringing it back with complaints? If you're John Lewis, you write him a letter telling him that his custom, and all the time-wasting involved, are no longer required and by the way, he's banned from all of your stores and from placing orders by telephone and online.

 WEEK 2         Putin on the agony, Putin on the style

Ready 4 Anything
bullet The PM is taking lessons from a Canadian Native American shaman in case she needs to perform a rain dance to break the current drought and save the nation's harvest from terminal scorch.

That's a sport?? Pur-lease!
reader comment“Blimey! BTSport is really scraping the barrel. The Saturday afternoon replay of Friday Night Football; the Ottawa Redblacks in Montreal; started an hour late due to baseball over-running.
   “What got the chop when the CFL also exceeded its time slot by an hour? A hot dog-eating contest. Really? Wot next?”

Soft, sticky fudge
bullet The PM's 12-point plan for Brexit looks fairly harmless at first glance. It's only when the suspicious customer looks more closely that the dodginess becomes apparent, e.g. Clause 5 vs Clause 7 and Clause 9.

Hidden menace
bullet Doom and gloom for Chinese firework manufacturers as the world's biggest trade war starts and people looking to put on a public show in the United States move away from old fashioned fireworks displays to light shows created using computer-controlled drones.

Educational Supplement
bullet Sir Arthur Clarke started it by channelling Sir Isaac Newton to create Clarke's Fourth Law: 'For every expert, there is an equal and opposite expert'.
   BFN takes up the torch with the Universal Law of Diversity: 'Every noun, verb, adjective, adverb, etc. has an equal and opposite counterpart'. E.g.: up vs down, common vs rare, etc.
   In particular, subliminal messages, which are statements below the threshold of consciousness, have their counterpart in supraliminal ones, which are statements of the bleedin' obvious described in Latin to remove the overtone of vulgarity.

bullet The resigned Brexit Sec., D. Davis, called the PM's Brexit strategy 'dangerous'. Clearly, he was much too polite to call it like it is, namely betrayal of the 174 million people who voted to get out of the EU and its poisonous influence completely.
reader comment“It's obvious the PM isn't committed to making Brexit mean Brexit if she writes a list of British 'demands' by wondering what the EU will let her have and then going soft on that. Negotiation involves stating what you want and maybe giving a bit of ground here and there if you get something in return. Negotion involves caving in at every spot of adversity and every unreasonable demand and then pretending the outcome is a great triumph. [see: David Cameron's record as PM vs Brussels] Yes, we do need someone like Donald Trump facing up to the EU and ready to walk away to a 'no deal' if they don't shape up and do so bloody quickly. C.J.
reader comment“The EU's negotions merchants say the PM will have to water her wishy-washy 12 proposals down further. What clearer proof do we need that they are not acting in good faith and we need to just walk away and start planning seriously for 'no deal; right now. G.R.

bullet British prime minister sacks foreign secretary for having Russian name—Boris. She really does hate us, Comrades.

Pay up & look cheerful
bullet What sort of a vegetarian wants a veggie-burger that looks, bleeds, sizzles and tastes like a meat-based burger? One who isn't serious about being a veggie; or ashamed of being one.
bullet Carnivores will be delighted to know that the faux veggies will be charged 325% of the price of a real burglar for their fakes.

bullet Apparently, the government's extra cash for the NHS won't make services to the customers any better. But the doctors might smile a bit more as they will be getting a very healthy pay rise.

Rain that won't go away
bullet Where is all our rain? Falling on Japan. Flash floods, land- and mudslides, millions evacuated from their homes, around 100 deaths. These have been the consequences of record-shattering downpours on the Land of the Rising Sun.

bullet What's the worst that could happen to you if you go on holiday in Norway? Getting bitten by a snake is this holiday season's favourite. Up to the end of June, the poison information advice line has had to field almost a whole normal year's worth of calls.

Mañana don't come into it!
bullet Where's the best place in the world to skive? No, not Liverpool. A bloke, who used to be a civil servant in Valencia, got into the habit of clocking in at 7:30 every morning and them going straight back home. And his useless managers let him get away with it for 10 years!!

bullet At the end of this month, the Swiss air traffic controllers, presumably in co-ordination with the stroppy sods in France, will be taking their turn to go on strike.

bulletQ: What do you get if you ask for wine in a French restaurant, especially rosé?
bulletA: Spanish plonk worth 30p/litre sold at prestige French label prices.

bulletQ: What will the Next Big Thing in prisons be?
bulletA: Mugging convicts for their phonecards after they get phones installed in their cells.

bulletQ: What do you get if you defraud the DWP and the taxpayer out of £20,000?
bulletA: Away with it.

Otherwise engaged
police helmet Greater Manchester Police are asking potential customers to have an online chat with someone rather than trying to phone them until after the coming weekend.
   They will be too busy 'dealing with' (i.e. watching) the World Cup to offer any assistance.

bullet There is rumour going around that Russian football team is out of World Cup.
Fake news. Don't believe it, Comrades.

bullet The agitation being whipped by Britain's drone population over the state visit by President Trump is reminiscent of the organized violence of the Nazi era in Germany. Trump is okay, Comrades—that's official.
reader comment“Maybe drones are upset because President Trump thinks visiting President Putin will be better than visiting President May. I.G.

bulletQ: Which is worse, Britain sold out to the EU by May or Corbyn?
bulletA: Nothing to choose between them.

The prime minister lets the nation into
the secret of her Brexit strategy . . .

PC rules if there's a profit in it
bullet The Co-op has a great excuse for ripping off its elderly customers with insurance policies sold at outrageous prices. Its bosses claim that it would be unethical and ageist to offer older customers an honest dead, even though, knowing dates of birth, they could do so. Not exactly the customer-oriented spirit of the Co-op as it was founded but the spivs take over everywhere eventually.

Far Queue symbol President Corby of Labour party has appointed as his shadow equalities minister, woman who has received extensive anti-Semitic training. Labour sure do things different, Comrades!

Trump does Europe
bullet First stop: NATO to tell them they're not pulling their weight in the Universal Military Stand-Off. Germany is the worst offender, the bad guy of Europe. Next, Englandland to have tea with the Queen and meet some civilized people for a change. Not an easy task in the south, especially in the London area.

Danger! Exploding outrage junkies
bullet It seems the design of the Elizabeth Tower, home to Big Ben and the clock for which it does the bongs, includes half a dozen shields above each dial. They are currently white with black crosses.
   A plan to repaint the shields with red crosses has provoked howls of outrage from Welsh and Scottish Nationalist bigots. But would they be willing to put some red-crossed shields on buildings in their countries next to their own national symbols? The way the Tower also has leek-shamrock-thistle shields? Sure, they would!

 WEEK 4 


 WEEK 5 


Below the line mission statement: We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, July MM18.