BlackFlag News
 
 2019/September 
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There is still no F in Brexit thanks to the Westminster Wonders—but Prime Monster Boris is doing his best to insert it!
reader comment“Forget worrying about Brexit. According to Dr. Nicholl of Project Yellowfear, we're all going to die. It's Deathmongering that makes Brexit look rather irrelevant.”
A.L.M.


today's efforts

BS Baffles Brains on the road to SNAFU
The British Army is to be drowned in greenwash to make it sustainable, friendly to The Planet and somewhere a Snoflake can work without going Xtinct. Part of the plan involves replacing all of the vehicles which are currently run using fossil fuels, which means electric tanks in the future.
    Also, the use of chemicals—explosives, propellants for bullets and shells, etc.—will be bannned. As a result, the greenwashed Army will be able to operate only in areas with an extensive and reliable power grid so that vehicles and electric weapons can be recharged on demand.

Wimp Power
The current plague of girly swots @ Bailiol College, Oxen, want to ban former inmate B. Johnson from visiting the college because they are worried about being exposed to someone from the real world, who might upset them by not agreeing with whatever nutty ideas they are currently subscribing to.

Far Queue symbol Another good reason for not letting the 21 Bremoaner Tory traitors back into the party's ranks is that it will keep Ruddy Amber on the naughty step with them.

cross symbol Dave the Ditched Leader's 800-grand-advance book is about to go on sale. Bets are now being taken on how soon it will be available for £3.50 from Postscript or Bibliophile Books.

bullet Oh, no! There's another ticking time bomb, the health Xperts reckon—e-ciggies.

Worst-Case, Won't Happen Wibble
reader comment“Operation YellowFear is a typical piece of civil service wibble. 'Some foods will be in short supply in the event of a No Deal Brexit'? Which ones? No information offered.
    “Typical lazy bloody scaremongering. One thing we can be sure of is that nothing essential will vanish and there will always be alternatives for everything else.” S.J.

reader comment“The British public has been told enough lies by politicians in the last couple of decades to keep everyone else cynical for a couple of lifetimes.” R.W.

Bye-eee!
Another reason why the current generation of kids is heading for Xtinction is that 75% of them can sleep through a smoke alarm, putting them at risk of being burnt to the ground if they live in a home which has one of the 435,000 tumble dryers which are liable to burst into spontaneous combustion when they have accumulated enough fluff in their works.

Undeclared interest?
Far Queue symbol The boss of the Met, C. Dick, doesn't think the coppers who fell for the 'Nick' child murder fantasies should be investigated. Why not? Because she's one of them.

Anyone remember YACD?
Nobody is impressed by Dave the Dumped Leader's Brexit wobbly. He created the mess and ran away, leaving TheRazor to make it into a disaster zone.
reader comment“Anyone would think he has a book to plug.” G.S.

tick symbol Finally, a judge with a bit of sense! He refused to buy a claim by a veggie that his fad amounts to a religion and people being disparaging about it infringes his 'uman bluddy rights. Compensation denied.

 WEEK 2 

 
CFL logo Friday Nite Football? Hooray! The Lions started well in Montreal, then Bowman stopped them with a sack. The Als missed a FG for a single? Cancelled by a penalty and they punted instead, nul points.
    The Als drove in to Q2 and Adams scored a TD. DPI in the BC goal set up another TD for him in the 9th minute. 0-14. Finally, a 40 yard TD pass to Burnham got the Lions started, 7-14 in the 14th minute. The Als sprinted downfield; only to be picked off by Peters in the BC goal.
    BC kicked a FG 12 minute in to Q3, and another 2 minutes in to Q4 for 13-14. The Als replied with a TD by Bray at the mid-point of the quarter, 13-21. The Lions managed a FG inside the last 3 minutes but 13-21 was as close as they could get.

With the aid of a lemon . .
bullet Fat people can become not bothered about their size and inevitable early death if they sniff lemons regularly, the Xperts have decided. There's something about the pong of a lemon which makes the human brain think everything is fine and dandy.

bulletQ: What do schoolkids most frequently buy together at the start of a new school year?
bulletA: On Amazon, it's a backpack and an 8-inch kitchen knife to use on the school's bullies.

Cheap yes, but also useless
India's space agency, which is paid for via overseas aid from British taxpayers, launched Chandrayaan-2, its second Moon probe, in July to a great national fanfare. The probe was supposed to make a controlled descent to the surface early on the first Saturday of this month.
    Something went wrong about a mile above the surface and mission control in Bangalore lost contact with the probe seconds before it was due to touch down in the south polar region. Indian prime minister N. Modi claimed that there would be more opportunities for the mission to be completed. Quite how this would be done was not revealed.
    The Indian prime minister remains confident that as long as the flow of cash from the UK continues, the best is yet to come for his nation's dodgy space programme, which specializes in doing Moon missions on the cheap. [and nasty Ed.]
question mark What else is the British taxpayer's aid to India going on beside a dodgy space programme? IVF treatment for a woman who gave birth to twins at the grand old age of 73, causing her husband (82) to end up in hospital being treated for a stroke.

More Space News from Reith Vogelsong, our science correspondent
The residents of Jupiter are up in arms over global warming there, which is affecting the planets characteristic horizontal stripes. The disturbance is making some stripes fuzzy and changing the colour of others.
    "Our world no longer looks smart and organized," a Citizen's Representative complained. "We are becoming a shabby laughing stock of the Solar System. Our government really needs to get to grips with the rogue ammonia ice clouds in particular."

A further case of up, cover, wash and white by the cops
Metropolitan police detectives who were involved in the abuses of Operation Midland—the pursuit of an imaginary VIP child murder and abuse ring—are being allowed to censor their role in the redacted version of the Judge Henriques report on the shambles that will be released to the public. Sounds an excellent way to restore public confidence in a highly tarnished police farce. Not.

CFL logo Saturday Nite Football #2:The Banjo Bowl in Winnipeg. The Roughriders sacked Streveler on the first play by the Blue Bombers. Then he rushed for a first down. The BB kept a penalty-aided drive going for over half of Q1 to a TD for Streveler. The RR were sacked 2 & gone but they were able to close Q1 with a FG, 3-7.
    In Q2, Streveler bashed his way 21 yards to the SK 12, then to the 5 before firing a TD pass. 3-14 in the 7th minute. The Riders had no offence. Grant returned a punt for a TD in the 13th minute, 3-21. Fajardo was sacked with violence by Jefferson and lost the ball. 38 seconds left. Time for another TD for Streveler, 3-28 at half time.
    More of the same in Q3. Augustine did a pylon dive to put the Bombers 3-35 up after 5 minutes. A measly rouge from a punt in reply from SK, 4-35. Fajardo went in for a TD in the last minute of the quarter, no +2, 10-35. A pick by Rose stopped a promising SK drive in the 9th minute of Q4. The Riders put their reserve QB on the field for the last couple of minutes. He was sacked on 3rd & goal at the BB 5. The end.

bulletQ: What do you do when you find DNA on a sub-machinegun but it could have come from any of a set of criminal triplets?
bulletA: Sending all 3 to gaol worked for the Metropolitan police.

CFL logo Saturday Nite Football #3: Mitchell's second play was picked by the Eskimos. Two runs by Gable, a TD pass to Smith and the visitors were 0-7 up in Calgary. The Stamps marched to the EE red zone and kicked a FG after 12 minutes, 3-7.
    A dodgy penalty in Q2 set up a TD for Begelton, 10-7. Kilgore replaced Harris (arm trouble) as the EE QB and they levelled the scores at 10-all. The Esks did nothing with a pick. A TD pass to Rogers put the Stampeders 17-10 up with 2 minutes to half time.
    The Stamps kicked a FG 2 minutes in to Q3, and another after 8 minutes, 23-10. They opened Q4 with another, 26-10. Hunter made a pick at the CS 47 but a pick-6 by the Stamps on an EE 3rd & 6 play dug the hole deeper. Bummer! 33-10.
    10 minutes left. The Esk reached the CS 1, TD with 4 minutes left, 33-17. After sending the Stamps 2 & out, the Esks fumbled the ball away. Bum!

Over the borderline from useless to just plain malignant
reader comment“There can be no doubt that there are a lot of bad people in politics, but after reading the account in yesterday's Sunday Post of the suffering inflicted on Scots women with mesh implants, you have to start to wonder if the SNP isn't full of downright evil bastards.
    “Especially the alleged Health Sec., J. Freeman, who is doing absolutely bugger all about a dreadful situation. And, by association, her boss, Wee Burney Sturgeon. Something to remember next time Burney starts sounding off about the failings of others.” S.G.

bulletQ: Is it olay for a prime minister to ignore a Parliament which is ignoring the wishes of the electorate?
bulletA: Yup.

Xtinction to be averted?
Scotland is running out of wild cats but its Royal Zoological Society is on the job. The society has launched a £5.5 million, 6-year training programme to teach kittens how to be wild before releasing them in the Highlands.

FIA still means . . .
. . . Ferrari International Assistance. We had Vettel causing mayhem on lap 7 of the Italian GP and getting in everyone's way— would he get a penalty? Surprise! He did. Mainly because Leclerc, also Ferrari, was in the lead and not being penalized for running Louie Samilton off the track a couple of times to ensure that one of the prancing horses won their home Grand Prix. How wonderful.

More evil:
Glasgow city council allowing the IRA to hold TWO parades in the city at the weekend. Although, the million coppers on overtime, who prevented the terrorists and their buddies from killing anyone, won't have been bothered.

bulletQ: Is there any connection between the answer to the question of Life, the Universe and Everything, and finding three numbers, the sum of the cubes of which is 42? [As per the Diophantine equation]
bulletA: Nope.

Two fingersbullet Q: Is there any point in having a double digit lead in the opinion polls if you can't call a general election?
bulletA: Nope.

Cute, huh!
Our government has discovered another wrecking tactic to work on the EbloodyU in addition to a veto on the budget. The extra is refusing to appoint a UK EbloodyU Commissioner.
    If the EbloodyU Commission is missing a commish from one of the member states, it will be illegally constituted and unable to do any of the daft things it usually does. Hooray!

We knew there had to be a good reason
The Independent Office for Police Conduct has the perfect alibi. It is infected with institutional stupidity and therefore free to fail to deliver anything other than negligent and incompetent whitewashes.

No wonder Snoflakes are going Xtinct
reader comment“There seems to be a good case for anyone who uses auntiesocial meeja to be required to produce a certificate of sanity and mental stability before being allowed access to the interweb. The number of minor celebs who have claimed they've contemplated suicide because of what is said about them online supports this conclusion.” K.M.

reader comment“The only way to outflank BA's greedy pilots would be to ban all national holidays so that they can't cause disruption by going on strike when one comes round. The public would remain free to go on holiday whenever they choose, of course, but they would be making max nuisance difficult to achieve.” P.J.

Goes around only
Restaurants and pubs are being told to cut portion sizes to reduce o'besity and save The Planet from gorbal warming. Any chance of a corresponding cut in prices? Thought not.
reader comment“There's also a suggestion that customers should be given a doggy bag for unwanted items like side-salads, which should thrill any veggie pets. If there are any which haven't been kidnapped by the animal rights mob because feeding a natural carnivore a veggie diet constitutes a cruel and unusual punishment.” C.O.
reader comment“Don't expect anything much in the way of price reductions. The food purveyors will just claim that the preparation is the expensive part of a meal and the actual starting materials just cost pennies.” R.W.

Far Queue symbolreader comment“Nobody who's a real person gives a rat's ass that Ruddy Amber threw a hissy fit and flounced out of PM Boris's Cabinet. She never will be missed.” K.P.

CFL logo SNF #1: the Argos in the nation's capital. The Redblacks struck first with a TD in the 3rd minute. The Argos kicked a FG in reply, 3-7. The RBs survived a dodgy fumble ruling to kick a FG. The Argos survived a similar ruling to go on to a TD and 10-all after 13 minutes. The Argos recovered the ball from a fumble at the RB 31, only for Bethel-Thompson to be intercepted in the RB goal.
    Jennings was picked in the TA goal as the first play of Q2 and it was raining, which is normal for Ottawa. A punt after 6 minutes gave the Argos a rouge and the lead. A pylon dive made it 18-10 in their favour. The RBs replied with a FG after 13 minutes, 18-13 at half time.
    A fumble recovery by the Argos taken 43 yards for a TD after 3 minutes of Q3? Yup! The RBs managed a FG for 25-16. They did nothing after forcing and recovering a TA fumble in FG range. The Argos scored a TD in the opening minute of Q4, 32-16. A long FG try by the RBs went for a rouge. A prance-in TD by Wilder after 5 minutes made the lead 39-17.
    Five flags flew when Logan sprinted into the TA goal with a punt return. Off-setting penalties and the RBs fumbled the ball away on their next play with 5 minutes left. The Argos extended the rout with another TD and 46-17 was as bad as it got for the home team.

Berko zombieCop for this
The zombie Berko is to receive a fitting reward for his endless mischief and abuse of the rules in the public office of Squeaker of the House of Useless Buggers.
    No chance of the customary peerage awarded to those who do a proper job and uphold the dignity of the position, and therefore no chance to lounge around in a vermin-trimmed outfit on £300 per day just for turning up.
reader comment“Last equal on the list to replace the zombie squeaker should be Harridan Harperson and Captain Underpants without a shadow of a doubt. L. Hoyle, the senior deputy, should get the job.” W.S.

You couldn’t make it up
Twat of the Month: the MP for Sydenham, who went into portashrine mode over the death of one of her constituents EVEN THOUGH the bloke was wearing a mask and battering at the window of a car with a sawn-off shotgun, trying to kill the bloke inside, who was ignoring him, when the shotgun went off and blew the incompetent assassin in half.

Far Queue symbol More victim culture—sexism by men is driving women nutz, the Xperts reckon. That's both the women on the receiving end of the sexism and the ones who feel offended, undervalued and invisible when the sexists ignore them.
bulletThe conclusion has upset the racialism industry as it feels that even thinking about this issue deprives their cause of the constant attention which it craves and feels entitled to command.

We're all doomed!
The nation's police farces are on the receiving end of even more derision after recommending that their potential customers should pack a disaster backpack of essentials for use during the anticipated nationwide rioting, which will follow Brexit.

Two fingersHe's cool with it
Former cricketer Mr. G. Botham doesn't give a toss about the self-publicists who are moaning about the K, which he received in TheRazor May's farewell honours list, but he is still peeved about the stitch-up which he suffered in the French courts. So that's the matter settled. A line drawn in the sand. Move along, there's nothing to see.

zombie Corbyn Buggering Britain back to the glory days of the 1970s
Unemployment is at its lowest for 45 years and wages are rising healthily. But O.J. Corbynski has a plan for putting a stop to all that if he's made PM.
    He will give trade unions police powers allowing them to arrest company bosses and managers for imagined offences against the shirking class and close down businesses. Which will leave the staff free to go to rallies in support of Corbyn Zombie Labour if they don't have a job to go to.

Far Queue symbol Just to be absolutely accurate—the Border Force doesn't ‘stop' migrants at sea. It intercepts them and gives them a free ride to England.

Solar panels reach top 10 swindles list
What do we have to follow the now busted flush of PPI swindles? Compensation for mis-selling of solar panels, which are not delivering the promised rewards; or no rewards at all, in some case. Banks which handed out loans as part of the swindles will be taking another big hit.

The words ‘cow’ and ‘cash’ come to mind
Gooble has replaced Russia as the Evil Empire. The online advertising gang is under investigation in all but a handful of the states of the US for unfair business practices. US regulators have their eyes on the $50 BILLION per year which Gooble rakes in, and they see great potential for extracting a big chunk of it by applying the sort of unfair business practice penalties which have raised BILLIONs of euros for the EbloodyU.

There's only so much cash sloshing around . . .
. . . which means that the people demanding a bridge between Larne in Ulster and Portpatrick in Scotland are going to be out of luck . . . unless . . .
    BFN would like to suggest a solution. 5,000 supporters of the bridge versus 5,000 supporters of H2S in a televised pitched battle and the last man/woman/whatever standing gets to pick—the bridge or H2S. It's the democratic way!

zombie Corbyn Impoverishing Britain
£900 BILLION of private sector funds has sneaked abroad from Britain since the Brexit referendum to make sure that a future Corbynist Labour government will be unable to steal it via punitive taxation to raise funds to hand to the Labour party's cronies and the grand army of benefit-dependent cannon fodder.
reader comment“Quite how Labour will service all those cash-hungry dependents when the idiots in charge have driven the wealth-generators into Xile and/or Xtinction remains one of the eternal mysteries of pollytics**.” A.B.
[** Party hacks spouting meaningless slogans without having the slightest idea what the words mean or caring when they make no sense. Ed.]

bulletQ: How do you escape going to gaol for serious and serial benefits fraud?
bulletA: Create a cartoon character which the soft-hearted judge's offspring adore.

bullet Today's Apt Twinning Suggestion—Caveat in Alaska with Emptor in Somerset.

bulletQ: Who invented cheese?
bulletA: Not the Frogs or the Eyeties, it was the ancient Brits, the Xperts have decided.

reader comment“We hear about things starting up all the time but never the converse, stopping down. A good start to a stopping down campaign would be one waged against the Bremoaners, who are wasting hundreds of thousands of pounds of taxpayers' money in the courts.” H.T.S.

cross symbol + + + CASH CRISIS IN ROMILEY + + + ALL ATMs OUT OF ACTION + + + POST OFFICE UNDER SIEGE BY RESIDENTS DESPERATE FOR ACCESS TO THEIR LOOT + + + RIOT POLICE STANDING BY? + + +

Where the invasion will come from?
Astronomers @ University College London have spotted a planet with water in the atmosphere and a surface temperature which would be acceptable to Earth-like creatures.
    Is there anyone there looking back at us? It's unlikely. The planet is practically scraping the surface of its red dwarf star, whizzing round it 11 times during the course of a year on Earth. It is also twice the size of Earth, with 8x Earth's mass and correspondingly greater gravity, and a thick, soupy atmosphere.
    No life has been detected on the planet, but that is not surprising as the necessary technology to spot life there is unavailable on Earth.

cross symbol Forgetting to cancel trials of unwanted online services when the free trial period runs out is costing negligent Brits a total of £800 MILLION per year.

Payback time
The Combined Joint Task Force in the Middle East, which is seeing off the terrorist gang Daesh, got to practice carpet bombing on an island in the river Tigris, which terrorists were using as a hideout. Q'anus Island got its bomb carpet on the eve of the 18th anniversary of the 9/11 terror attack on the United States by the Bin Laden Bunch.

tick symbol The o'besity timebomb has Xploded, the Xperts reckon. Which means that we're all doomed. But on the up--side, we don't need to worry about Brexit any more.

Time to shape up
Teachers have been found wanting. They are too soft on disruptive yobs. Thus trainees are to be given instruction in the use of a vigorous clip round the ear and a cattle prod if putting on a fierce exterior fails to impress.

More politics of envy
The Diversity Mob is up in arms over Health Sec. M. Hancock's desire to restore the good old British institution of duty-free alcohol and tobacco after Brexit.
    The diversifiers fear outbreaks of jealousy, and even riots, when those who are not in a position to go booze-cruising claim that their 'uman bluddy rights are being infringed by letting people who can afford to do it go booze-croozing when they can't.

Marriage crisis in Britain
Young women are refusing to get hitched and the marriage rate is at an all-time low. What are they doing instead? Going to university to get a degree, a mountain of debt and no chance of a job which lives up to their expectations. As a spin-off, staff at registry offices face redundancy and divorce lawyers are in despair, fearing that they might have to start working for a living.


 WEEK 1 

 
Only enemies of the human race oppose air travel
One of the Daily Mail journos took a pop at lies in politics; with a thinly veiled plug for a book wot he wrote on the subject. Maybe he could direct his aim next @ the lying claim that aircraft churn out carbon pollution.
    Burning jet fuel creates carbon dioxide, which is a Natural Product on which plants depend for their survival. Plants, in turn, produce oxygen, on which all animals—including human ones—depend for their survival. CO2, therefore, is a Good Thing, the liars need to be told.
reader comment“Oborne, Osborne . . . those names are suspiciously close.” C.A.
reader comment“Global warming fraudsters should be required by law to register as a member of a personal interest group and pay a hefty premium for the privilege of breathing our oxygen.” C.T.

Far Queue symbol Paxperson thinks the current PM is someone you wouldn't trust with your sister. Takes one to know one, Paxo.

Far Queue symbol Scribbler P. Pulman is in the market for methods of doing away with our beloved PM. Might we suggest he tries out some of these methods on himself as a preliminary to picking a fave one?

Far Queue symbol Current Liberal leader J. Swinson is not encouraging her party to form a personality cult around her good self on the grounds that she lacks one.

tick symbol C. Dick, the honcho of the Met, wants a 'two strikes and you're in gaol' rule for people who attack police officers. Okay, lady, you can have it. But only on condition that you surrender the brush you use to sweep police misconduct under the carpet. We haven't forgotten 'Nick' and his police buddies, Commissioner.

reader comment“One Frog throws a hissy fit over one mistake and that means the whole system for letting citizens of the EbloodyU live here after Brexit is a shambles? Crumbs! It's a bloody good job that two Frogs didn't throw wobblies or they'd be claiming the end of civilization as we know it.” T.O.

No need to panic
Australia's Great Barrier Reef is relatively new in geological terms; 20 million years old tops; and it hasn't always been alive and under water—definitely not during Ice Ages.
    Should we therefore be bothered if it becomes lifeless for a while due to the climate changing? Not really. The historical evidence is that it will be back again when the climate becomes favourable again.

Desperate times
We are facing a national crisis. Our national supply of wibble is running out. The enemies of democracy @ Westminster and Holyrood are consuming wibble stocks at such a frantic rate that there could be a period of blessed silence—possibly extending for several months—until imports from the EbloodyU, which is also experiencing severe shortages, can be procured.

Salvation is at hand!
A No Deal Brexit will push food prices up so high that only the rich and those with their nose stuck in the public sector trough will be able to be obese. Which will take a great deal of business away from the NHS, leaving doctors on the dole and unable to give free medical treatment to foreigners who haven't paid for it.

reader comment“The Xtinctionists have been messing about in Manchester for an extended weekend, which has left everyone else wishing the buggers would hurry up and go Xtinct.” R.W.
bullet Greater Manchester Police has been washing its collective hair over the long weekend of the protests and did the usual bugger all about keeping roads open.

CFL logo Labour Day weekend delivered a clash between the top teams in the West. The Roughriders blew their challenge and had to punt for a rouge. The second Blue Bomber play was picked off but the Riders were sacked 2 and out. The Riders reached the BB red zone, only for Fajardo to throw his first pick in living memory. 2 and sack, the BB gave up a safety, 0-3.
    The first major was a scored by Evans in the last minute of Q1, 0-10. The BB inflicted sack #3 in Q2. A big sprint by Augustine got the BB to the RR 9, TD for Lawler, 7-10 after 6 minutes. The Riders spluttered at the BB 3 and kicked a FG. They kicked another in the last minute and left the Bombers with time to reply in kind. 10-16 at half time.
    Lots more defence in Q3. A pick by Purifoy stopped the BB; one by Rose halted the RR. Then there was an exchange of sacks. A fake punt play worked for the BB a minute in to Q4. Intentional grounding cost them 14 yards and forced a punt for real. The Bombers got to 3rd & goal at the SK 1, and Streveler's 3rd try for the goal worked. 17-16 with 3:44 left. Plus a rouge from the kick off, 18-16.
    The Riders closed to FG range. Powell sprinted to the BB 18. Wilder kicked a short FG with 00 on the clock and gave the Riders a walk-off 18-19 victory to keep their Labour Day win list polished.

bullet Prorogation is a poncetitutional outrage? Anything that outrages the ponce tendency is to be welcomed!

Where there's wealth, there's a way
The Sheikh in charge of Dubai has been scunnered a bit by the Highland council and gorbal warming. He filed plans to build a lodge at his Scottish retreat and the council said no because the site will be flooded when the polar ice caps and shelves melt and the sea level rises by 30 metres.
    Luckily, the Sheikh is a zillionaire and he can afford to put the building on stilts, which will keep it safe when the sea swamps the land in, say, a thousand years' time?

Same old same old
The Belgian Grand Prix had Verstappen going into the barrier with no steering after a riot at turn 1 right after the start. The Ferraris were ahead of the Mercs on the grid. Both Mercs got past Vettel. Would Hamilton be able to catch and pass Leclerc on lap 44/44 in the traffic? Nope.

Putting the 'bam' into bamboozle
We must watch out for the pressure groups which quote percentages, especially if they're increases in the hundreds. It's usually a sign that the the number of 'incidents' (or non-events) that the confectors are counting has gone up from a small, small number to a slightly bigger (but still insignificant) small number. Say a rise from 8 to 38, which is a massive, shocking, dreadful increase of 375%. But not particularly startling if you compare 8, or 38, to the population of Britain.

The Boss delivers a reminder
The Pope found himself stuck in a lift for 25 minutes as a divine warning that whilst his predecessors might have had delusions of infallibility, he's not the one who presses the buttons and makes things happen.

Far Queue symbol The Weather Wibblers are at it again, willing Hurricane Dorian to be the most aggressive in recorded history so that they can claim another rather worthless record in geological historical terms based on records going back barely a blink of an eye.
reader comment“President Trump is hoping that God will bless everyone in the hurricane zone. No doubt those battered by Dorian will be left asking 'What the hell did I do?' and getting no answer.” A.L.

Bad Zebra Day in Hamilton
CFL logo It's the Labour Day Classic: the Argos in Hamilton. Two passes got the Cats to FG range, on to a TD for Evans, +2 for Speedy B, 0-8. Bang! Bethel-Thompson to Walker who went 96 yards for a TD. Plus a rouge from the kick off, 8-all after 5 minutes. A HUGE punch-up in the 8th minute, red dusters everywhere, 2 Ticats excluded and nothing for the Argos, not even marching orders for Wilder, who started it.
    The Argos kicked a FG, 11-8. Lots of defence, including a pick by the Argos in the 14th minute; but they fumbled the ball away on a 3rd & 1 at the end of Q1. The TA kicked a FG after 3 minutes of Q2, 14-8. A FG for the Cats after 7 minutes, 14-11. A TD for Walker after 9 minutes, 21-11. The Cats were sacked off the field on a 3rd & 1 with 3:50 to go. The Argos did nothing with this turnover, and the next one. And the next? They got a FG with 14 seconds to go to half time. 24-11.
    The Cats managed a FG 6 minutes in to Q3, 24-14. They lost a perfectly good TD to a bad OPI call but kept going to one which stuck. 24-21. The Argos were sacked to a FG, 27-21, then inflicted their 7th sack. The Cats took the lead with a TD 2 minutes in to Q4, 27-28.
    Another TC trip to the red zone, another TD for Adams after 6 minutes, 27-35. Some lumps for Bethel-Thompson! Another punch-up with 5 minutes to go. The Cats kicked a long FG with 1:20 to go and 27-38 was too deep a hole for the Argos to climb out of.

Just bloody typical
A gang of cosmetic mayors is campaigning for cleaner air in city centres. Natch,their solution isn't to ban vehicles which donate exhaust fumes to city centres, it's to grab even more money off the drivers of the vehicles.
    Thus it's cash in the coffers for the politicians to waste and the people in the city centres just have to go on coffing in air which is no less polluted.

cross symbol The chumps who buy bottled French fizzy water are having a tough time of things. The dry summer has made their fave spring dry up. Oh, tragedy!

CFL logo Next, the Altercation in Alberta. BL Mitchell was back for the Stampeders' home match with the Eskimos. The CS first drive went to a FG. Same result after an interception, 0-6. Another tipped pass ended up in the Eskimos' clutches, FG from it, 3-6. Jones lost a 93 yard return to goal of a CS punt in Q2; holding. More solid defence.
    A CS FG try missed for a single point, 3-7. The Esks managed a FG in the 14th minute for 6-7. A 51 yard pass play got the Stamps to the EE 24 and Arbuckle completed the drive with a 1-yard TD sneak. +2 via Begelton, 6-15.
    Another FG 5 minutes in to Q3 put the Stamps 6-18 ahead. The Esks managed a FG in reply, 9-18 after 12 minutes. A TD for Begelton in Q4, 9-25. The Esks reached the TC 36; only to go out on downs with under 3 minutes left. Effectively, game over.

reader comment“All this Xtinction nonsense proves that there's no idea too daft to be sold to kids if it lets them pretend to be martyrs and gives them a licence to behave badly.” B.K.

tick symbol There can't be much wrong with the British economy if there are mugs around who will pay £335 for a branded pair of two-quid flip-flop 'summer sandals'. Especially now that the summer is over.

reader commentfrom our sports correspondent, Mans Praeding:
“I really do think there should be a special zone in Hell reserved for the shouty blokes, who sound like they're wetting their pants every time someone scores a goal with a bit of panache or does an overtake for 13th place on a racetrack. No punishment could be too cruel or too unusual for the shouties.”

bullet Cheap and cheerful electrical gadgets bought online are very good for starting fires and keeping the Fire Brigade in business.

cross symbol If you have cancer, there's only a 50% chance that the NHS will spot it in time to do you any good, the cheerful Xperts would have us believe.

Yet another brilliant record?
The pundits keep telling us that people don't vote for divided parties, sniping at the Tories while ignoring the fact that Labour is just as divided. Which means that it looks like the next general election will be the first to report a percentage turn-out in single figures!

reader comment“The news meeja let Swami Chuckabutty, Labour's anti-Semitism whitewasher with a tainted peerage, lie her head off about how a leaker was sacked and evicted from Downing Street. It would be nice if a nice policeman marched the Swami away from the gravy train at gun-point.” P.O.
reader comment“Baroness Chuckabutty has struck a blow for diversity by confirming that talking bollocks doesn't entail having bollocks and it isn't something exclusive to male politicians.” J.G.

Corbyn not to blame?
He's been demanding a general election every minute of the day since he lost one in 2017. But now there's a chance of one, the people who are really in charge of the Labour party have told him "No way!"
   Which confirms O.J. Corbynki's status as a pointless figurehead. Hence his policy of destructive ambiguity—a.k.a. fence squatting.
reader comment“He's been on that fence for so long, he must have outfitted it with a comfy chair, a TV and a barBQ, and he'd be hopelessly lost if he ever tried to return to the real world.” R.W.

tick symbol Are the 'issues' of climate change really so 'complex and challenging'? The climate changes constantly but extremely gradually and there are snake oil salespersons about pretending that they can control and accelerate the changes.
    What's so complex about that?

Ain't we sweathearts!
Amazon has revealed that it pays a corporation tax rate of just 2% on its sales in Britain of £10,900 MILLION. Why? Revealing this miserable contribution is just waving a pair of middle fingers at the world and companies which pay a fair rate of tax. But then again, maybe Amazon isn't worried who hates it and how much.

More hot spuds than you can shake a stick at
Metropolitan police honcho C. Dick doesn't want the country to sleepwalk into a ghastly, Orwellian, omniscient police state with robots and cameras everywhere spying on everyone (except the privilged few, natch). She wants to gain the trust of the British public so that the turkeys will vote for Xmas.

tick symbol The latest @ the airport game is "What's not going on?" Is the place @ a standstill because the pilots are on strike? Or the ground staff? Or the luggage transport system? Or is it just computer saying "No!, No! No!"?

Some people never learn—or don't want to
Hurricane Dorian flattened lotz of the buildings on the islands which constitute the Commonwealth of the Bahamas, but the people there aren't going to relocate to somewhere safer. They're just going to rebuild surface structures instead of creating safe bunkers and wait for Mother Nature to flatten them again to show the Baharmy Army who's boss. Weird, or what!

bulletQ: What can the BBC do to attract further derision?
bulletA: Employ a Momentum propagandist with anti-Semitism credentials as an Xpert for a programme which does some routine finger-pointing at the long-gone Nazis.

Must try harder next year
Disappointingly for the Xtreme weather junkies, this year's summer managed to be only the 12th hottest in the pitifully brief period of record. But it did manage to be the 7th wettest.

What's his game?
Prince Harry is reported to have described Africa as feeling like a second home. Does that mean he's turning into Gordon F. Broon? Who declared that Africa was his passion after he found that he could buy more friends there with British taxpayers' money than anywhere else in the world.

tick symbol A Scottish judge has ruled that prorogation of Parliament is a matter for politicians, not the courts, so up yours, Bremoaners. But if you want to stuff vast amounts of other people's money into the pockets of the legal trade, please feel free to continue to do so.

cross symbol The EbloodyU has admitted that Brexit talks are pointless because the lack of goodwill on its side means that the EbloodyU will never offer a deal which non-traitors in the UK will be prepared to swallow.

Far Queue symbol If the Metropolitan Police start pleading poverty, it's not due to The Cuts, it's down to blowing over £4 MILLION of taxpayers' money on the Nick fantasies and other abuses in a public office.

More make-work
The Met Office, it seems, hires someone to trawls through books of names from all countries to compile a diverse list for its stooopid practice of giving names to storms as part of its pretence that the weather is getting unbearably and unsurvivably terrible in order to scare the pants off Snoflakes.

Shifting position
With the end of his tenure in sight, the Gov of the Bonk of England has realized that he needs to start thinking about his next sinecure and a reputation for getting things 100% wrong 100% of the time ain't going to help.
    Thus Brexit, he reckons, will now be somewhat less of a total disaster than it was when Mr. Carney was fully signed up to Project Fear. He's now reducing himself to associate member status before he starts to pretend that he was never ever anything to do with this poisonous gang.

tick symbol More good news for veggies from the Xperts—don't eat meat and you won't have a heart attack. You'll have a stroke instead.
bullet And veggies are even more doomed if they consume artificial sweeteners in diet drinks.

Living up to its name
The aptly titled Malmaison hotel in Manchester will charge customers £55,300 for a bottle of ordinary beer if it thinks it can get away with it. It clearly has as much regard for 'do no mal' as Gooble.

Massaging the numbers
The nation's police forces have stopped arresting Islamist terrorists and they are concentrating on right-wingers in a bid to achieve diversity parity and a 50-50 split. There is a big hill to climb as the current Islamist to right-winger arrest ratio is 89-11.

bulletQ: How do you spot a pathetic control freak?
bulletA: He's the one threatening to fire his employees if they using plastic cups and pretending he's saving the planet.

What a come-down
A DNA Xpert has concluded that the Loch Ness monster could be a 10-foot eel if a plesiosaur and a giant shark have to be ruled out. Not even half a cheer for something as pathetic as that!

American Crunch resumes!
The NFC is back with the Packers @ the Bears on Thursday Nite Football. No offence for the Pack in Q1, just a FG for the Bears. A big pass helped the Pack to a 4-play TD drive a minute and a half into Q2. 7-3. Rodgers was getting sacked as often as Mike Reilly, the former other green 'n' gold QB.
    Defences ruled in Q3. Rodgers rushed into FG range on a 3rd down in Q4, 10-3 with 5:15 to go. A pick in goal by the Packers with 2 minutes to go stopped the Bears. The Pack went 3 & out in a quarter of a minute. A 4th down sack finished off the Bears. Lots of action even if there wasn't much scoring.

A death worse than fate
zombifying Corbyn You spent half your time demanding a general election which you know you are bound to lose and half your time refusing to have a general election because your party comrades don't want to lose their places on the gravy train and they won't allow it.
    No wonder O.J. Corbynski is turning into a zombie!

Sainthood in due course
Far Queue symbol R. Mugabe, the man who turned the once prosperous Rhodesia into the Venezuela blueprint in terms of institutional corruption, theft from the few taxpayers and destruction of the economy, has croaked at 95 in exile in Singapore.
    The usual suspects are now busy whitewashing his reputation.

Suffering in the name of equality!
The Xperts have found that women, who have shorter necks than men, are prone to get pains there from using a mobul phone. The only answer on offer is a neck-stretching operation like the one employed by those African ladies, who consider wearing lotz of brass neck-rings to be an essential personal fashion statement.

Far Queue symbol The list of people you wouldn't pee on if they were on fire now includes airline pilots, especially those 'working' for BA and RyanGrounded. Their trade union officials have been on the list forever.

Just Froggy bollux
Don't believe all the crap about the French blocking a Brexit date extension; it's just MacRon pissing about. He knows he'll get the back of his head slapped and his arse kicked if he deprives the EbloodyU of extra monthly episodes of a billion bloody quid from the British taxpayer.

cross symbol The Turkish despot is threatening to flood the EbloodyU with millions of Syrian migrants posing as refugees in order to Xtract more cash from it. Yet another reason for getting out soonest.

reader comment“The daftest Storm Dorian story has to be that retired actor Sean Canary was lucky to escape death and destruction when the storm hit his personal Bahama. No, he wasn't sitting in the back garden, hugging a tree. He was in a storm-proof bunker which was designed to be hurricane-proof. One sacked PR for coming up with something so ludicrous?” R.W.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!


Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, September MM19 like anyone cares