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Isn't there something called Brexit supposed to be going on? Or did I
just dream it? Ed.
“It was the worst of times; it was the worst of times”, to misquote Charles Dickens

today's efforts

exclamation mark One of our usual suspects here in Romiley, England, G.B., found this (see below) in the in-box of a minor email address. He's still trying to work out if it's malware or he has had anything to do with this outfit in San Jose. And if the date on it is significant.

bullet The government is to sneak out a Gordon F. Broon stealth tax on SUVs in an attempt to force people to buy an expensive electric car.

reader comment“Why don't supermarkets operate a one-way system? sez some wisguy, who has clearly never been shopping and doesn't know that supermarkets move stuff around constantly to confuse the unwary.” C.B.

Far Queue symbol Despite the lockdown, crazed Islamists are still killing people—two dead in a knife attack in Romans-sur-Isère in southern France by a paperless infiltraitor.

reader comment“I wonder if Mr. Snack, the current Chancellor, is paying 80% of their wages to unemployed bank robbers, who must be having a thin time of things. If they can find a branch that's still open, its doors will be closed coz of the Wuhan plague.” F.P.
reader comment“Maybe they're getting a sub from other members of the bank-robbing community—the ones who are taking advantage of the current lull to dig tunnels instead of crashing through the front door.” M.J.

Time on his hands?
A former judge is doing his best to incite one of these bods with more money than sense or responsibility to mount a legal challenge to the government's CoCO19 lockdown rules on the grounds that they are based on irrational fears and they are unnecessarily costly to the nation.
reader comment“Maybe the judge has a point if the Health Sec. is telling people they can't sunbathe in the privacy of their own garden or whilst observing social separation outdoors during lockdown.” R.W.

It were them! Deferably!
The latest from the intelligence community is that it does not discount the possibility that the zoonotic (originated in animals) Chinese plague virus first spread to humans after leaking from a Wuhan laboratory.
    Significantly, the Chinese government has not been able to deny that it has such a laboratory there—their Institute of Virology, which is the most advanced laboratory of its type on the Chinese mainland.

Nurse, he’s out of bed again!
The government is furious with the waxworks running Public Health England, who refused to overcome testing shortages by involving the private sector. Which rather undermines the claim by the New Model Corbyn, Sir Kreepy Stumer, that a Labour government would have done things better using these same waxworks.

bullet Official Message: If not much water seems to be coming out of your cold tap, don't panic. The pressure is low because every bugger else is at home and using water at a frantic rate.

 WEEK 1 

“Have we got any candles?”
The latest bit of good news is that we have to be ready for blackouts. The government policy of closing down proper always-on power stations has left the nation's electricity generating companies unable to cope with the demand of a population stuck at home and spending all day messing about on the internet.

tick symbol Supermarkets report sales up by 20% during March thanks to boggo rollo bandits and other panic buyers. The crisis is clearly doing someone some good. Kerching!

The KGB mentality will never get it
The nation's jobsworth coppers have been reminded again that they do not have the right to tell people they can't go jogging or go for a drive if they observe social distancing rules. Policing by consent seems to have gone out the window as the petty minded rush to abuse their imagined authority.
    Police bosses are worried that the public have long memories for false fines and arrests, and that they will be even less willing to help the police—as non-criminals—in the future.

bullet Insurance claims for damage to vehicles caused by potholes are expected to drop by at least 25% in line with the reduction of traffic during the lockdown period.

How dare you challenge ‘our’ truth
The Chinese government is threatening reprisals against foreign governments, including ours, which dare to reveal that the current plague was brewed up in China.
    The attitude from the East is that the Chinese should have a monopoly on what the ‘truth' should be where their virus in concerned, and foreign politicians should feel guilty for spreading views which challenge the Chinese truth.

Fingers pointed
The Xperts reckon that a lack of mass testing for CoCO19 in the UK is due to problems of organization rather than a shortage of facilities. The UK is supposed to have the necessary laboratory capacity but NHS bureaucracy is making it inaccessible.

cross symbol More Xperts reckon that if May is warm, CoCO19 will go into decline. But it will be back when things get cold again at the end of the year. Where's global warming when you need it?

Too much like hard work?
The nation's police might be out and about, looking for opportunities to impose fines, but they don't seem to be doing anything about fly-tippers. Apparently, they're too busy out vandalizing beauty spots, like the Blue Lagoon at Buxton, which was treated to a dose of indelible black dye.

Stockport council seems to have stopped emptying the green bins for garden trimmings and food waste. Residents found this out the hard way by lumbering bins out to the front, and then having to lumber them back unemptied at the end of the day.

Motions and going through
President Boris is writing to every home in the country warning that things can only get worse. Sounds like a rather pointless and thankless task, and good luck with getting the letters delivered with the nation's postpersons as vulnerable as anyone to CoCO19.
reader comment“How long does it take to sign 30 billion letters?” K.L.

bullet The garden supplies and nursery industry is heading for Xtinction as a result of the CoCO19 lockdown closures.

Any old excuse recycled
Surprise! Council trading standards departments are being inundated with complaints about over-charging. The Competition & Markets Authority is similarly swamped.
    Could be tougher laws on the way, could be prosecutions for profiteering. Just don't hold your breath.

bullet It was April Fool's Day yesterday but no one remembered until 12:08 p.m., when it was too late for any foolery.

Xtinction strategy
The banks are doing their best to wipe out 20% of UK firms by refusing to give them government-backed loans unless the people running the business put their home and savings on the line as security. The banksters have clearly forgotten the bail-out they got from the nation in 2008.
reader comment“Or they're just bloody trying it on anyway, which is what they do.” O.L.

bullet The Xperts at Imperial College London have come up with a guess of 1.8 million for the number of people who have already had a dose of CoCO19.

Just one more non-person
The Chinese government has put a Wuhan doctor, who was one of the first to spot the new corona mutation, into lockdown to prevent her from saying anything that conflicts with official propaganda and revealing that the authorities tried to claim there was no threat from the virus until it was too late.

bullet Sweden is still open for business and unlocked down.

bullet Charities, which are at a financial stand-still, are the next in line for cash from the Chancellor (on behalf of the nation).

Virus? Wot virus?
If you happen to be in Turkmenistan, don't use the word coronavirus and don't wear a face mask if you wish to remain unarrested. The regime in the former Soviet state, which has a southern border with Iran, a CoCO19 hotspot, is ignoring the Chinese plague completely in its news media and expects the population to do the same.

cross symbol Exhibitionists are getting themselves captured on CCTV doing things like licking banknotes and leaving them lying around, or licking their hand and wiping the hand on the door handle of a parked car. Small things amuse small minds . . .

bullet Lack of business will force the close down of petrol stations in rural areas, the Petrol Retailers Association reckons.

Another hazard of lockdown
You get a delivery slot from a supermarket but your bank blocks the credit/debit card payment, pretending it's ‘unusual'. As a result, you go to the back of the queue again.
    The Royal Bank of Scotland is particularly good at this, apparently.

Crap and Carrots
Why should anyone compare the death toll from CoCO19 with that caused by the Islamist terrorist attacks on the United States on 2001/09/11? Unless it's done to upset the Chinese even more by comparing their plague with an act of deliberate terrorism.

bulletQ: What's the official pronunciation of CoCO19?
bulletA: [Cocoa One-Niner. Ed.]

Skivers' charter
Some lucky academic will eventually make him/herself Xtremely unpopular by comparing the rate of spread of CoCO19 against self-isolation rates. No doubt the trade unions will take to the streets in protest when the academic makes estimates of the numbers of people who took advantage of the plague to have a week off with pay.

bulletQ: Why aren't lots of people being tested for CoCO19?
bulletA: Because control freaks in Public Health England are refusing to take advantage of offers from private labs to do testing. They want to do all the testing at a single site in Milton Keynes, which isn't actually up and running yet.
Summary: It's not the government, it's the bloody public sector waxworks. President Boris is being urged to revive the Dunkirk strategy and use a fleet of small-ship testing labs to get the job done.
Stat: 242 health sector quangocrats on 6-figure salaries are dragging their feet. That's a hell of a lot of friction.
On the other hand: There are people claiming there isn't a quick and accurate test, there's a shortage of the chemicals needed for the testing process and all sorts of other stuff.
Conclusion: There are more excuses and alibis than you can shake a stick at.
Even Worse: Out of power politicians, especially potential successors to O.J. Corbynstein, and civil servants are leaping to get in place their personal story of how CoCO19 would have a been brief and harmless visitor to these shores had they been in charge.

bullet The Spanish government thinks that its lockdown is working.

bulletJargon of the moment: Furloughed
bulletTranslation: Get lost until business picks up again.

cross symbol Teaching kids at home will create a generation with the weirdest ideas about how the world works, many of them totally wrong. And it's a heaven-sent opportunity for the Islamists to spread their propaganda.

Far Queue symbol China is being accused of economy with the truth over CoCO19 by America's spies. Under-counting and changing the method of reporting are being used to conceal the true extent of the outbreak.
bullet Under-counting of infection rates is also routine in similarly repressive regimes. You know which they are.

bullet The current Squeaker is making plans for a virtual House of Commons so that ministers can be questioned face to face at a safe distance should a return to Westminster at the end of the month be ruled unsafe.

British Transport Police busted a woman from York for being at Newcastle Central station in breach of the Coronavirus Act 2020 and refusing to explain herself to them. She was fined 800 quid. Now, a leading 'uman bluddy rights lawyer has pointed out that she was convicted of an offence which doesn't exist and she should appeal.
    Also, presumably, she can sue the rail cops to get compensation for her false arrest and sue the magistrates for being a victim of their misconduct in a public office. Un-Kerching! for the State, deserved Kerching! for the victim plus the inevitable big Kerching! for the legal trade.
update The National Police Chiefs Council has been forced to make it known yet again that under the Act, police officers do not have 'stop and account' powers. Neither are they entitled to force a member of the public to explain himerself to nosy coppers.

bullet Migrants are still sneaking across the Channel and Border Force offices have now been issued with face masks for used when listening to bogus asylum claims.

bullet President Trump has sent the US Navy south to get in the way of South American drug bandits, who are trying to take advantage of a world in a state of CoCO19 shambles.

bullet Where is this bright, sunny bloody Saturday we were promised?

There in spirit
Prince Chazzer, a CoCo19 survivor, got to open the newly built Nightingale hospital @ the ExCel Centre in London via a videolink with a remote-control unveiling of the obligatory plaque. The NHS is now trying to work out how to achieve the same virtual presence with the staff and the patients.

bullet Should we; the entire population, that is; be wearing a protective face mask when outdoors? That's the advice in the US. But as there aren't enough to go round for NHS staff here, the question is a waste of breath.

Far Queue symbol Gary bloody Lineker

cross symbol Mexico has halted production of Corona brand lager on the grounds that the product is non-essential (and it has an unfortunate name).

bullet An Xpert at Harvard U. reckons that coughing and sneezing are not the only risk factors for the spread of the Wuhan plague. Just being in the same room with someone who has CoCO19 and is breathing puts you at risk.

The worst of the worst
Environmental pollution via fly-tipping is going up way faster than the CoCO19 infection rate with the result that the lockdown will become more severe because streets will become blocked with discarded stuff and rendered impassible.
    Overflow from recycling sites which are no longer being cleared by councils, despite the huge rises in Council Tax imposed this month, is not helping any.

The smartest of the smart
The organizers of bloody Wimbledon were smart enough to include a virus clause in their insurance policy after the SARS outbreak in 2003 (which no one remembers). As a result, having to cancel the world's major tennis tournament will result in compensation of £100 MILLION! Kerching! Kerching!

tick symbol The Wonderful Idea of the Week Award goes to the management of the Premiere League football club which suggested finishing their season in China to avoid having to repay almost £800 million to TV companies which have not been able to show matches. The idea is receiving a fairly universal grotting.

Un-Kerching? No way! Entitlement rulz
Footballers on massive salaries are deeply upset by the Health Secretary's suggestion that they should take a pay cut if they're not delivering the goods on the pitch and generating income for their club.

Far Queue symbol The Aussie PM is trying to evict all students and visitors who have no visible means of support. "Go home right now," is his message. "We want you only in good times."

Brief respite
Supermarket restrictions will remain in place on some goods to frustrate panic purchasers but restrictions on things like Easter Eggs, which are usually bought in larger numbers than three, will be eased. Milk, butter, cheese, pasta and some canned goods will continue to be rationed.

bullet Wonderful News: Romiley's Sainsbury Local has tins of chopped tomatoes on offer.
If there are any on the shelf.

Bone-headed manoeuvre
A Venezuelan patrol boat came off second best when it tried to hi-jack a Portuguese cruise liner which is being operated by a German firm. The Venezuelan captain tried to ram the liner in an attempt to force the ship into his country's coastal waters. Unfortunately, he picked on a ship with ice-breaking capabilities for polar expeditions and damaged his patrol boat so badly when battering the reinforced prow that he sank his own ship.
[Context—Venezuela and Portugal are having a beef about something or other. Ed.]

bullet The NHS fears that the CoCO19 self-isolation campaign may fuel the o'besity crisis as people stuck at home are able to snack at will and grow enormous almost without noticing.

cross symbol The video conferencing system Zoom is under siege by hackers, who are doing their best to Xploit every scrap of sloppy code in its software. Windows passwords are being stolen and the webcam and microphone on Macs can be hijacked.

bullet Today's Disinformation: The phone masts for 5G networks spread CoCO19.
"If it's on the internet, it must be true!"

Not wanted on voyage
Bagn! No cheers at all for the power-hungry opposition political wannabes who expect us to believe that they could have done a better job of goosing the Can't Do waxworks of the civil service into doing something effective against CoCO19.
    Just how gullible do they think we are?
[Obviously, gullible enuff to vote them in to power. Ed.]

reader comment“Cyclists riding in big bunches, like they do, and people daring to go to beaches in defiance of ailing President Boris' edicts? Just as well this isn't a serious police state. Yet.” R.W.
reader comment“Could we please replace 'underlying health condition' with 'already ailing' as the former sounds like waxwork BS.” O.L.

Really Lateral Thinking
Some genius has found that a drug used to treat parasitic infections such as head lice might be effective against CoCO19. Tests in Australia suggests that the drug paralyses this strain of corona by giving it a nervous breakdown, preventing it from replicating and killing it in a couple or three days.
[Let us hope the little bastard bugs get a severe dose of agony before they finally croak Ed.]

bulletA spot of egregious gossip: The difference in predicted Wuhan plague death and infection rates coming from the government's boffins in London and their rivals in Oxford is said to be down to earlier academic fallings out and bad blood as much as what passes for the science of the business.

At least he made the effort
Zombified O.J. Corbynstein (left, below) has had a face makeover in an attempt to revitalize his image (centre, below). Sadly, the efforts of the Venezuelan chop-shop soon wore off (right, below).

Corbyn makeover

You just can't win
The medical trade complains about unnecessary trips to overloaded A&E departments in normal times. Now, in abnormal times, we're being told that people are not seeking treatment for fear of catching the Chinese plague at a hospital and putting their health at potentially severe risk by not getting necessary medical attention.

bullet Champions of the Great Depression of the 1930s are severely worried that universal unemployment due to CoCO19 could overwhelm the numbers set during their fave period of history.

bullet The Aussies have captured the lead from President Trump in attacks on the communist regime in China's failure to contain the Wuhan plague and the lies and black propaganda arising from that source.
[If the UK death toll from the plague is 25% higher than the officially reported Chinese death toll, you have to think the Aussies have a point. Ed.]

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, April MM20 like anyone cares