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 2017/October 
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Time to put the blame where it belongs

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 OUTRAGE NEWS 

 
It makes as much sense as anything else on offer
bullet Conspiracy theorists are suggesting that the current Weinstein Obsession, which some are seeking to broaden from the entire film industry to the music industry as well, is being fomented by the Burmese government to push attention away from the ethnic cleansing, which is being performed by the Burmese army in the area bordering Bangladesh.

The last refuge of the scoundrel is distorted context
bullet France paid €19 BILLION to the EU last year but got a sub of €14 BILLION, mainly to distribute to its inefficient peasant farmers. But that's not enough for the extremist wing of the looney left. With the French EU bill going up to €20.2 BILLION next year, they want another €6 BILLION back, invoking Mrs. Thatcher's famous demand for a refund because; "We are very poor."
   Of course, Britain's refund was recognition of the fact that we receive nothing like a fair share of the EU budget. But the French lefties insist that as their country is still in an 'excessive deficit procedure', they should pay nothing at all until they become rich. Which is not likely to happen any century soon.
   Maybe Boris Johnson should mention that Britain also has an excessive deficit the next time President MacRon demands that the starting point for our illegal "divorce bill" should be €40 BILLION instead of the €20 BILLION our prime minister thinks she can get her eurosceptics to swallow.

 BUSINESS NEWS 

 
Enterprise culture
bullet If you want to make a living out of growing cannabis sativa, then there are police farces which are willing to let you. Farces in most of the South-East and North-East of England are taking a Lib-Dem approach to even major violations of the law, and anyone who is careless enough to make the police take action can expect to be let off with a caution.
stop pressFarming cannabis? Want to get away with it without even a cosmetic caution? Just tell the coppers you're a slave.
red blob Tip: Look for the coppers with their fingernails painted blue as part of a chief constable's nail bar stunt.

 CULTURE NEWS 

 
Time for a rewrite
bulletHey man, oh leave me alone you know
Hey man, oh Harvey, get off the phone, I gotta
Hey man, I gotta straighten my face
This mellow thighed dick just put my spine out of place
Hey man, my workday's insane
Hey man, my job's down the drain
Hey man, well he's a total blam-blam
He said he had to squeeze it but he... then he...

[Chorus]
Oh don't lean on me man, cause you can't afford the ticket
Back from MeTooSlag City
Oh don't lean on me man
Cause you ain't got time to check it
You know my MeTooSlag City
Is outta sight...he's all right

with apologies to the late Davie Bowie

Romiley News
 ROMILEY NEWS 

Great Storm Monday/Tuesday in Romiley was . . .

bullet . . . sunny and a bit windy. The night was a bit breezy and on Tuesday morning, discarded leaves had been blown into interesting patterns in wind-shadows. No sign of the ominous marmalade skies pictured in Tuesday's Daily Mail but the sun was reduced to a bright-orange blob as seen through Monday morning's clouds; before they were blown away to let us have a sunny afternoon.

Catching the fallout: Crispmageddon goes global
bullet Reports of a psyche-busting crisp shortage in New Zealand have sent the world's spivs into action. They are creating shortages around the world in their efforts to cash in on the Kiwis' plight. This is what they have done in Romiley.

Crispmageddon spreads

red blob NHS professionals are warning of a winter counselling crisis as potato-based snack-deprivation sweeps Britain.

 SPORTS NEWS 

 
Strike a new gold medal!
bullet Experts in the USA have been studying bondage and they have concluded that it is a leisure activity on the same level as playing golf or swimming. Participants are able to develop personal skills and derive enjoyment from using their specialized knowledge and abilities. Sounds like someone is preparing the ground for an attempt at inclusion in a future Olympic Games.

 HEALTH NEWS 

 
Typical bloody politician
bullet J. Corbyn, 68, thinks it's good for older people to have a flu jab as keeping themseves healthy shows concern for the wellbeing of others around them. Actually having the jab, however, is a matter of choice and he personally has chosen not to bother. Presumably because he thinks he's much tougher than any rotten flu virus.

Just stop
bullet If you want to increase your chances of still being around at this time next year, stop breathing. According to the European Environment Agency, air pollution is responsible for one in eleven deaths in the UK, but it's very easy to do something positive about it.

Striking out against speciesism
bullet Italy has extended the nation's sick-note culture to pets. A court has ruled that owners of them should not be required to take annual leave days to look after a poorly pet as long as they have a note from the animal's personal physician.
red blob This is clearly part of a campaign to have pets ruled members of a familty with a status equal to humans. Owners of pet rocks are now studying the case with interest.

Crispocalypse is stalking New Zealand
bullet Lots of wet weather has drowned the potato harvest whilst causing floods on both North and South Islands. As a result, the local crisp industry will have to leave the Kiwis on short rations until the new year at least.
comment from the industry: “Having potatoes is a very important part of the New Zealand psyche.”
No doubt gangs of councellors are on standby, just in case the situtation gets really desperate.

What do MPs do all day?
bullet Some of them spend an hour in the bath, making themselves all soggy and wrinkly, before wasting their time and taxpayers' money on the proceedings of the All-Party Parliamentary Group on Mindfulness. There can't be much wrong with the world if that's all they have to do with themselves.

 SHOE NEWS 

 
In case anyone is interested . . .
bullet These ‘experts'! They come at you from all angles. A study for a firm which makes shoes has found that on average, adults smile 11 times per day; and mean it 9 of the 11 times. Surprisingly, things that make people feel good are most likely to promote smiles.
   70% of those surveyed said that grinning at other people made them feel happy. No information was released on how the recipients of the unsolicited grins felt, however.

Pull the other one, Comrade
bullet The Russians just don't get it. The Death of Stalin, a satyrical film made by Scottish humorist Armando Iannucci, has got them chewing their carpets. They are now pretending that a monster who had 40 million of his countrymen (and women and children) killed is too holy to be mocked. But not doing it too convincingly.

world news
 WORLD NEWS 

Spain turns Corbynasty
bullet What do you get when the Catalans hold a meaningless independence vote and thumb their collective noses at the Spanish government? Police brutality on a hysterical scale and the Spanish government in the dog house for totalitarian tactics worthy of the Corby Cult's trolls. The events up North must make the residents of Gibraltar even more determined to retain their independence from the mainland.

Yes, but not now
bullet Catalonia has declared independence from Spain but the signed declaration has been filed in the regional president's Ignore Tray rather than his Action Tray. The region's departure would drop the same sort of financial bombshell on the regime in Madrid as Brexit will drop on the vultures in Brussels. Which explains why the Spanish government is reviving the worst of the nastiness from the country's experiences under anarchism, communism and fascism.

Dwelling on divorce
bullet According to the Centre for Europeon Policy Studies, the EU has assets of €160 billion and liabilities of €232 billion. The EU is therefore in the red to the tune of €72 billion. As the UK is contributing 14% of the EU budget, the maximum divorce payment that can reasonably be expected is 14% of the deficit, i.e. €10 billion rather than the €100 billion which the EU is demanding.
   An even fairer settlement would be 1/28th of the deficit, i.e. €2.6 billion.

There's always a way
bullet Venezuela, the spiritual home of PM wannabe J. Corbyn, has run out of the materials for creating new passports. Paper and printing ink have joined food and medicines on the list of things which are unobtainable unless you're a member of the regime.
   But these commies are nothing if not tricky, and the president has recycled an old wine list as an emergency degree extending the life of existing passports by two years.

New Deal
bullet Austria has chosen a teenage president, who wants to stop economic migration and creeping Islamism, cut taxes, give everyone a good minimum wage and kick the EU out of his country's business. Sounds like he'll be a big hit.

Mediterranian mob paradise
bullet What do you get if you investigate corruption in Maltese politics and the Establishment in general? A bomb in your car and an investigation by the very cops you were investigating. With all the gambling money flooding to the island, it's looking like Cuba before the Castro dynasty took over. And the government is behaving like Russia over the last century, Castor-Cuba, Venezuela or any other commie paradise.

red blob It's Bugmageddon! Dutch researchers have found that the population of flying insects in Europe has fallen by 75% since the 1990s.

 EMPLOYMENT VIEWS 

 
Equal-opportunities employer
bullet If you're an honest terrorist and you fancy a public sector job, try the council for Southwark in London. They don't bother to check their job application forms for such details as declared criminal offences.

Selective-opportunities employer
bullet On the other hand, if you're white, male and normal, don't try getting a job with British Transport Police, which has no vacancies for this category of employee due to an obsession with diversity at the expense of competence.

reader comment“Treasury minister Lizt Russ would have us believe that the Chancellor, Gloomy Phil, is a very happy man. If so, he's brilliant at hiding it.”

The Carney Letter:
bullet Dear Chancellor, as you know, I have a cosmetic inflation target of 2% but it has exceeded 3%, hence this letter.
   As you also know, I have as little control over inflation as you have over the economy, which means that you might be getting another letter next month. On not.
   Yours, etc., GOTBoE.

That's one way to do it
bullet A shortage of imported nurses is creating problems for the NHS. The government plans to fix things by making the English language tests simpler. This is a response to the observation that Australian and Canadian nurses, who have English as their mother-tongue, can fail. Maybe they should have tried the test out on some British born nurses first. But 9.5 out of 10 for pragmatism.

 BOOZE NOOS 

 
Where does all the money go?
bullet One-tenth of the entire Scottish budget -- that's £3,600 MILLION -- is spent on picking up the pieces after alcohol abuse. A million Scots drink to harmful levels -- that's nearly 20% of the population. Something to bear in mind next time the Scots Nats start acting up at Westminster or Wee Burney Sturgeon starts demanding more cash from English taxpayers.

Don't Panic. [Wrong!]
bullet The night of 15/16 October marks the 20th anniversary of the great storm, which felled 15 million trees in the south of England and killed 18 people here and 4 more in France. It's the storm Michael Fish infamously reassured the public wouldn't be a hurricane.
   He was right as far as nomenclature goes as a hurricane is a storm in the Caribbean. But there was no excuse for the Met Office's failure to spot that the effects of the storm would be as bad as those of a hurricane and issue an extreme-weather warning.
   Wind speeds of 110 mph were recorded with gusts of 115 mph. They could well have been greater but that was as high as the measuring instruments could go.

 INNOVATION NEWS 

 
Which is it?
bullet There are differences of opinion on the logic behind our new plastic banknotes. Are they meant to be user-friendly to Millennial snowflakes, because they feel like bank cards and pocket-phones? Or are they intended to make people give up cash in favour of electronic transactions because banknotes now feel cheap and plasticy and worthless?

Nasty plastic banknotes

Accessories of questionable legitimacy
reader comment“With the machinegun rattle of the Las Vegas massacre still ringing in our ears, it's time to take stock a little. There is no excuse for the bump stock. Anyone using a gun to shoot cuddly critters or targets has no need of more than one bullet per pull of the trigger. Anything else is frivolous recreation of the sort practised by militia in the Middle East, which should be discouraged in allegedly civilized countries.
   “Silencers, or more correctly sound suppressors, do have more legitimacy in that they prevent damage to the hearing. Telling shooters that they need to wear ear-defenders is all very well, but it does nothing for anyone standing nearby, who might have a profound religious bias against ear-goggles. Don't laugh, someone will claim this.”

A whiff of honesty
bullet Ofcom is giving new rules to broadband providers. In future, they will have to bin their 'up to' garbage and reveal actual peak-time speeds. They will also have to guarantee a minimum speed, which could become the basis of contract-busting or even compensation claims.

 HARVEST NEWS 

 
More choice, pur-lease!
bullet There is a move afoot to make organ donation the default, which means that people will have to opt out – rather in, as at present. In that case, it would be an excellent idea to provide a tick-box for "Please DO NOT harvest my organs whilst I am still mobile, aware and compos mentis" in case a future fascist leftie government extends its concept of everyTHING being the property of the state to everyBODY.
   This is something which could happen later in the century, when the Blessed and Eternal Leader Jezzer the Corbyn the Magnificent is in need of his umpteenth full-body transplant to keep him going.

Home News
 HOME NEWS 
UK Flag

U kip if you want to, we're still here!
bullet UKIP has a new Farage. He's ex-army, a holder of the OBE for services to international security and he used to work for the F.O. in Brussels. His tipple of choice has yet to be placed prominently on the record.

Memory lapse
bullet Party conferences: do they really matter? The PM's opponents are trying to make out that her coughing fit at this year's Tory conference is a disaster on the same level as the Black Death. But does anyone remember what happened at any of them last year? Or the year before? Or the year before that?

Begone!
bullet Supporters of the Conservative party are calling for the sack for all MPs who called for Foreign Sec. Boris Johnson to be sacked over his dead bodies in Libya comment. Such people, the Tory grassroots feel, are humourless robots who are unfit to represent a great party of real people.

Conference note
reader comment“Possibly for the first time ever, the audience didn't go to sleep during a speech by Theresa May. That's what will make this year's Tory conference memorable.”

Political stupidity
bullet The independent of government body responsible for collecting census data is making noises about making more categories of information; in addition to religion; optional. But there is not much point in having a census if it doesn't collect basic information such as the sex of the customer, which is what the PC posturers are proposing.
   If ticking the boxes is optional, all the census becomes is just make-work for the people employed by the census and the statistics manufacturing industries. Pandering to tiny minorities at the expense of doing a proper job also renders census data worthless to future generations of historians.

I want don't get
bullet The PM is demanding an end to discrimination in everyday life. Fine. While she's at it, why doesn't she demand competence from everyone in the public sector, the government included, and at least 5 sunny days every week. She has as much chance of getting all three by just demanding.

 WAR NEWS 

 
Dalek State
bullet "Violence can never be an instrument in politics" was the EU response to Spanish cops going clubbing (with real clubs) in Catalonia. Unless, of course, the violence is used to further the cause of creating a grey, harmonized Europe in which all national identities have been exterminated.

Labour's real slogan
bullet CON the many* ROB the Few**
* those too young to know Labour ALWAYS wrecks the economy and breaks its promises
**who have anything worth stealing

Way to go, Moggy!
bullet Jacob Rees-Mogg seems to have found a devastating weapon to use against Corbynasty fanatics. He's polite to them and treats them as if they could be something resembling a decent human being, which baffles the hell out of them because they don't have a strategy for someone who doesn't start screaming and trying to start a punch-up when confronted by an opponent.

The EU Way
bullet The Spanish government gave the Catalan president until next the third Monday of the month to reveal whether he actually signed the Declaration of Independence, which he said was lurking in his Pending Tray. Or what? The tanks go in and bombs start to fall on Tuesday?

How tough can you get?
bullet What happens when the president of Spain gives his counterpart in Catalonia an ultimatum on whether he signed a declaration of independence and the Catalans ignore the deadline?
Another ultimatum, that's what!

The EU's position on Brexit is:
bullet a) Everything stays the same with EU institutions in charge
b) The UK hands over &'8364;100 BILLION for starters
c) There is a re-evaluation of the evidence and Germany is declared the winner of WW II

 TRAVEL NEWS 

 
There's nowt as annoying as tourists
bullet The latest craze for Chinese and Japanese tourists is to take selfies with the remains of Grenfell Tower in the background. The locals are up in arms but they are bound to be fighting a losing battle with the forces of history. Grenfell Tower is the new Colosseum for some.

Well, that was a bit of a laugh
bullet Talk about driving the wheels off the bloody car!!! It was Vettel's fault that his Ferrari became a Reliant Robin on the slow-down lap of the last Malaysian Grand Prix for a while, so the stewards just looked blank and whistled a merry tune to themselves and pretended it never happened.

Kinder, gentler politics; or it it Necrotizing Fascism?

Hang The Tories banner

bullet "Hang The Tories?" Really? In that case: "Kill All Labour Scum Slowly & Painfully" or even: "Wouldn't it be fun to blow up Corbyn and make it look like IS got him?"
Ain't the new politics fun??!!

Okay, let's move on
bullet The Prime Minister offered her party a formal apology at the annual Conservative party conference, which was held in Manchester this year. She is sorry for running a bogged general election campaign during the summer. Anyone interested in details of its failings can seek out a copy of the book compiled by E. Pickles under the title: "126 Things That Theresa Got Wrong, The Idiot".

The cheap seats are over there, madam!

The Conservatives received a warm welcome from Mancunians in their characteristic urban leisurewear, which includes a mask to avoid identification by the police and sneaky CCTV cameras, a weapon suitable for committing a murderous assault and a flare to torch the evidence remaining after the Mancie has indulged in a spot of looting—or "aggravated shopping", as the Labour party calls the sport. As usual, GM Police had somewhere else to be when the locals were being Corbynasties.

Corbynasty in Manchester

Something else the ‘experts' got wrong
bullet The news wings of BBC and Channel 4, all sorts of MP rent-a-gobs, ditto academics and, of course, the Eurocrats scoffed at the idea of people flocking from East Europe to the UK when their transitional limitation period ran out in 2014. Even though this is exactly what happened when New Labour opened our borders to spite the Tories a decade earlier.
   The last count of Romanians and Bulgarians living here came to over 400,000, most of them Romanians (80%-ish). And people wonder why there's a housing shortage and schools are bulging.

Well-meaning if futile
bullet In Switzerland, public toilets are illuminated with blue lights so that drug addicts can't find their veins. Which seems to assume that everyone in need of a fix is too dim to pack a torch in their kit or take along a miner's helmet.

Panic in the streets in Heide
bullet You take your life into your hands if you go touring in Schleswig-Holstein! Aggressive wild pigs have been running riot in town centres, forcing the police to warn people not to leave buildings. Unless, of course, the pig is in them, as happened when one invaded a supermarket. Police and firemen had to break windows to rescue trapped customers. The 70 kilo monster was finally despatched by a sniper.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

Crime News
 CRIME NEWS 

OJ out of the can
bullet The sometime American Crunch and film star O.J. Simpson is out of gaol after serving 9 years of a 33-year sentence, which had more to do with the state's frustration at failing to convict him for murder than anything else. Now an old bloke in his 70s, all he wants to do is live near his children in Florida (has no one told him about the hurricanes?), eat seafood and charge 5 million bucks a pop for TV interviews.

More guns than you can shake a stick at
bullet It's all very well for Democraps to moan at President Trump about gun control, but why didn't their guy, Obama, get guns out of private hands during his 8 years in the White House? Clearly, gun control wasn't anything the Democraps were bothered about when they were in charge.
   It has been suggested that the American Establishment knows that Russia will never dare invade their country as long as there are so many guns in the hands of crazies all over the place. And that sounds outrageous enough to be true.

Plenty of job vacancies up-coming
bullet Mass sackings are expected in the ranks of the Wiltshire police following their failure to pin child abuse charges on former prime minister Sir Edward Heath. The "investigation" was launched with loud publicity and promises of great things but, despite spending millions of pounds on trawling expeditions, the Wiltshire police farce rounded up just a few fantasists.
   There is a desperate PR exercise in progress to try to put a positive spin on the lack of success but no one is buying it. Worse, when the chief constable of the country pleads poverty in the future, he will just be laughed at.

Murkier and murkier
bullet We are now being given to believe that the Wiltshire police farce nobly resisted opportunities to have Sir Edward Heath labelled a Satanist. Presumably, because the chief constable thought that adding Satanism to an already ludicrous charge list would confirm to everyone that the police were just extracting the urine. And, of course, giving aid and comfort to even more people with spurious compensation claims.

Fiction factory
bullet The Wiltshire police farce's list of ‘credible' accusations against the late Sir Edward Heath includes one from a man who is known to be a habitual liar and a paedophile serial sex offender, and someone known to confess to murders in his spare time. No doubt he felt right at home with the fantasists in charge of policing in Wiltshire.
   M. Veale, the chief constable, seems to be doing his best to talk up his delusions of an Establishment cover-up and turn it in to a conspiracy on the level of all the cover-ups of UFO sightings by officialdom. Sounds like he needs to be sacked for wasting police time and resources, and told to do his fantasizing on is own time and at his own expense.

And equality for all
bullet Two holiday food-poisoning scammers are caught and sent to gaol. The bloke gets 15 months. Does his partner-in-crime get the same? No, she's going down only for 9 months, which will probably work out as that many weeks in practice. So much for fairness and everyone being equal under the law.

red blob 90% of burglars get away with it, according to official Home Office figures. [It's 96% in Hertfordshire. Ed.]

 DOSH NEWS 

 
There's another investment opportunity gone
bullet The bottom is dropping out of the classic car market as the skilled mechanic becomes extinct. The current generation of car fixers can't do anything if there's nowhere for them to plug in a computer to do a diagnostic. They just don't know how to strip down a vehicle and spot faults.

Explanation needed
bullet If Labour manages to abolish capitalism, what then? If there is no wealth generation going on at the level need to sustain the economy for a population the size of ours, we need to know how Labour will get the money to pay a vast army of public sector clients and service their generous pensions.
   Borrowing will work only until potential lenders realize that they have no chance of getting their capital back, or payment of the junk-bond interest rates, which Labour will be forced to offer.
   Hint to J. Corbyn: no one believes in your magic money forest.

No Chok
bullet The nation's traditional favourites in the way of chocolate products are enjoying a slump in sales. There are all sorts of theores as to why this is happening but shrinkflation; the manufacturers' policy of reducing the amount of product in the wrapper and increasing the price; has to be significant. And, of course, other, cheaper alternatives are available.

reader comment“What Gordon F. Broon did to the British economy was on the scale of dropping a nuke on the Hoover Dam. The repair work will last decades.”

Unfair comparison
bullet The usual suspects are making noises about pensioners getting an inflation rise of 3% next year when workers will get only 2.1%. But in real terms, someone on a real pension, rather than the new one which hardly anyone gets, will collect an extra £190 over the year from April 2018 while someone on the average salary will cop for around £550. Which is quite a bit more in cash terms.

red blob Citizens' Advice has found that 36% of mobile phone users who stay with the same company for over 2 years are being swindled out of payments on a handset, for which they have already paid in full.

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Far Queue List

Far Queue symbol Gary bloody Lineker.

Far Queue symbol Tony B. Liar and his good buddy Juncker the Druncker.

Far Queue symbol The idiot newsreader, who was complaining that the Las Vegas police had no idea of the motive of their murderous nutter on only the day after his shooting spree.

Far Queue symbol M. Veale, the Chief Con. of Wiltshire and his child abuse understrapper Supt. S. Memory.

Far Queue symbol All the luvvies, who prostituted themselves for some reflected glory from Harvey Weinstein, and who are now claiming they didn't do it for the money and the meeja attention.

Far Queue symbol Berko; the little creep is getting above himself again.

Far Queue symbol Chancellor P. Hammond, who's still trying to flog shares in Project Fear.

Far Queue symbol Non-resident R. Branson. Could we please have him flattened by another hurricane? Ta.

Far Queue symbol Loughborough council has banned a trader from all the local markets for selling mugs bearing the insignia of the Knights Templar and their motto.

Far Queue symbol A. Salmond and T. Ahmed-Sheikh, both sacked from the Westminster Parliament at the last general election, are still being allowed to booze it up at the British taxpayer's expense courtesy of EU talking shops.

Far Queue symbol A. Gurria, Sec.-Gen. of the OECD, which gets £10M/year from British taxpayers, would have us believe that Brexit will damage Britain as much as the Blitz of the 1940s. Presumably, he expects Mrs. Merkel to send some bombers over in revenge for making Germany pay more towards Mr. Druncker's enormous bar bills.
red blob The OECD has been consistently wrong in its forecasts for the British economy. Mr. Gurria blames that on unexpected good management by the Treasury and the BoE.

Far Queue symbol “Far queue, far queue very much!” – Frank Zappa.

The Far Queue: the traditional parking place for everything "not wanted on voyage".

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, October MM17.