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 2019/July 
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There is still no F in Brexit thanks to the Westminster Wonders


today's efforts

Not up to the job
Surprise! Politicians can't be trusted with the job of running the railways, according to an expert recruited by the government to do a review.
    Worse, Labour's idea of renationalizing them would be an utter disaster. [No surprise there. Ed.] The railways should be managed by a National Board of experts headed by someone like the mythical Fat Controller. And the Board should insist on uncomplicated fare structures and fair compensation for inconvenience to passengers.

The nits they are a-picking
There's nothing wrong with President Trump writing the name of the terrorist gang as 'alcaida'. It's as good a way as any of expressing the sounds carried by the series of Arabic squiggles which stand for Al Q'aida or whatever.

Attention-seekers blasted
update The quartet of looney left Democrat ladies is reaping what it sowed in the form of publicity for its past racialist and anti-Semitic pronouncements. Being a Twit on Twatter is not always a great idea. Neither is being a Democrap who has massive spending plans but no idea what they will cost and no idea where the money will come from.

Far Queue symbol Female astronauts are getting their whinge in early. Spacesuits are built for blokes and women would have a hard time on the Moon. Maybe they should save their rants for when someone is actually ready with the technology to get people back to the Moon. That's a much more demanding challenge than building separate male and female spacesuits.

The law works in mysterious ways
A woman who went crazy on a Jet2 flight has been presented with a bill of £85,000 by the airline. Good luck with extracting that vast sum from a 26-year-old who works in a coffee shop!
reader comment“Cudda bin worser. The bill would have been for hundreds of millions of pounds if the RAF Typhoons scrambled to fly near the plane had decided to shoot it down.” T.P.
update Good luck also to the New York court which wants $10 BILLION from the drug dealer J. Guzman, a.k.a. El Chappo (The Bloke). The judge gave him a life sentence plus 30 years to give him plenty of time to reflect on the seriousness of his crimes.
reader comment“No doubt the American taxpayer will be stuck with the bill for keeping the body in a freezer for 30 years after The Bloke croaks in his Colorado detention facility.” A.T.P.


 WEEK 3     Up to 100% Vlad-free includes 0% Vlad-free

 
Kerching!
bullet The US economy is looking forward to a $5 BILLION boost after the Federal Trade Commission was goosed into imposing an eye-watering fine on Fakebook for playing fast & loose with users' data.
    Curiously, it was only the Republican commissioners who forced through the fine. The Democrats seem to be cool about data abuse.

Far Queue symbol The new chief constable in Northern Ireland seems a bit clueless. He has no idea how to police a hard border with the Republic. Clue: if the Southern Irish want a hard border, let them police it. Problem solved.

bullet Health Sec. M. Hancock is about to issue a directive telling his customers how many hours' sleep they are required to have. Quite how he will enforce his directives remains to be revealed.
reader comment“Sounds like something you'd expect from Tony Hancock's scriptwriters.” L.D.

It's an outrage
S. Vettel did a Schumacher on lap 39 of the British Grand Prix @ Silverstone and rammed M. Verstappen off the track.
    Louie Samilton had already bagged the lead after starting 2nd, thanks to a fortuitous safety car. Unusually, there was quite a lot of racing down the field. F1 needs lotz more tracks like this one to keep the customers interestd.
    No surprise that Vettel, at the back of the field and out of the points, got a cosmetic 10-second time penalty instead of a 10-place grid drop in the next Grand Prix. Ferrari International Assistance Rulz.
    Hamilton became the only driver to win 6 British GPs and set a fastest lap, for the bonus point, on the last one.

In Spain and fancy a jam butty? Head for this shop in Pamplona.

Spanish jam butty shop

CFL logo The Stampeders stormed in to Hamilton to extend their 14-match winning streak, which began in 2011. A successful fake punt did them no good but they did score first with a rouge from a field goal after 10 minutes. The Cats started Q2 with a FG miss . . . for nuffink.
    No 2-pointer for the Stamps after a TD, 7-0. A blocked punt gave them another quick TD. Bang! A TD the other way from the kick off! 14-8. The Cats gave up a safety instead of punting in the last 3 minutes. 16-8. The Stamps missed another FG and Speedy B returned the ball 115 yards for a TD!! 16-all in the last minute of the half. Both QBs were getting sacked rather a lot.
    The Stamps dug out of a hole half way through Q3 but fumbled the ball away. The Cats were stopped by a pick in goal. A wide open Speedy B took a TD pass 4 minutes in to Q4, 16-23. The Stampeders got back level but a 3rd TD for Banks restored the TigerCat lead. The Stamps lost the ball during a 2nd & 20 attempt. The Cats ate some clock. 27 seconds left for the Stamps. Not enuf, 23-30 final and the Cats break that embarrassing streak.

tick symbol Laughter Yoga is being offered as a Really Good Thing. It does have the advantage of upsetting politicians mightily if done next to them.

Far Queue symbol If you were swindled by hospital car parking cowboys, it was J. Hunt's fault for not delivering on a promise made 5 years ago to put a stop to it.

bullet If you go for a swim off the Brittany coast, steer clear of the rotting sea lettuce as it can be lethal.

Far Queue symbol N. Basu, the Met assistant commissioner who was issuing blood-curdling threats to the Press over printing leaked diplomatic cables sent by Britain's self-sacked ambassodor to the US, is now being positioned as a useful idiot for the Establishment waxworks rather than a prime mover as a job-saving manoeuvre.
reader comment“Was the Basu Intervention a 'chilling assault and battery with intent to cause grievous bodily harm on press freedom'? Nope. It was exactly what you expect from the Establishment's waxworks in both the police and government, who have so much that they wish to keep hidden.” R.W.

Sieg and Ye shall Heil!
tick symbol Apparently, while no one was looking, an England cricket team containing at least New Zealanders, Barbadians and Irishmen, won the Cricket World Cup in a dramatic 'by a whisker' finish worthy of the conclusion of a Canadian football match.
    Even better, there are boo-hoo buggers claiming that they didn't actually win, as happened after the England football team's victory in their world cup in 1966.

bullet If you buy a tin of tomatoes or a tube of tomato purée and the source if Italy, you're putting cash into the pockets of gangs of slavers, who are exploiting illegal immigrants from Africa. Maybe.

bullet If you buy a house from Persimmon and there are less that 295 things wrong with it, you can count yourself as bloody lucky, from all accounts.

No excuse
Keeping death off the roads is not an easy task when the customers ignore the law. Electric scooters may not be used in a public place—road, pavement, park, etc. They can be used lawfully only on private land.
    Which didn't stop a 35-year-old woman from trying out one she got for her birthday on a stretch of road and gaining the doubtful distinction of being the first British person to be killed on one.
reader comment“There is no need for the government to 'take a look' at the legislation applying to electric scooters. It's already illegal to use them in public places. Or is someone advocating the death penalty for illegal scooting?” R.S.

bullet Lots of hoo-haa about the 50th anniversary of America's first Moon landing. Surprise! There are people still around who remember watching it on TV, which is why they're not joining in the general amazement.

Putting the SUPERSIZE into BIGot
An actress isn't allowed to play a bloke who wants everyone to pretend that he's a woman. The role has to go to a tranny. Which makes a nonsense of the whole concept of an acting profession involving people who play the part of someone else. But it does tell us everything we need to know about the diversity lobby.

Far Queue symbol No surprise that The House of Useless Boneheads in Westminster is making a complete bog of going plastic-free.

reader comment“It's rather a left-handed compliment to put the mathematician A. Turning on the next generation of £50 notes, given the small number of people who will actually see one in the flesh.” R.W.
reader comment“Mainly criminals and dodgy politicians.” W.G.

Danger postponed
Following the success of his 2009 forecast that Britain's climate would be unbearable by 2017, Prince Chuck has binned his guess that we have only 18 months to save the pound, the NHS, The Planet or something.

bullet 92% of car thieve got away with it in Greater Manchester last year. [Where we live and pay taxes. Ed.]

Far Queue symbol Fake patriotism used to be the last refuge of the scoundrel. These days, it's a fake charge of racialism.

Far Queue symbol Ground staff and pilots at a number of airports are threatening strikes for more money through the summer. So trying to go anywhere abroad will be a bad idea.
reader comment“Still, good for The Planet, eh?” S.B.

bullet Theatres which offer booze in abundance to customers are being forced to spend their profits on buying body cameras with forward-facing screens to protect staff from belligerent customers, who can be confronted with their bad behaviour and rantics on the screen, and shamed into stopping them.

Far Queue symbol Oh, dear! The decent Democrats in the House of Representatives are in real trouble. Do they support a quartet of looney left vote-losers, who are in a Twitter scrap with the president because Trump is a Republican and a rival, and he's scoring points in the run up to his re-election campaign?
    Or do they admit that the vexatious quartet are just a bunch of grabbers with a sense of entitlement as big as all out doors and a bottomless barrel of vile vitriol?
update No great surprise that politics won, decency lost and the Democraps went with the quartet.

reader comment“Are there enough cliffs available to provide all the edges currently required for the likes of Brexit, mass extinction through gorbal warming, o'besity, etc.?” F.T.

bullet Something else we need to be wary of—cross-Channel swimmers who turn out to be illegal immigrants.

Far Queue symbol Local councils could be bannef from imposing arbitrary stealth taxes on selected items brought to council tips, e.g. fence points, toilet seats, taps, etc. Which is bad news for motorists, who can expect to be ripped off even more for parking in future.

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 WEEK 1         We’re feeling Vlad all over!

 
bullet The heat wave has broken. A temperature reading of 35 deg.C recorded in Romiley over the weekend just gone was disregarded after it was revealed that the owner of the thermometer had placed it on a windowsill in direct morning sunlight.
    In his defence, he said he had just followed Warmist custom and practice for faking temperature data.

Sign of the times
Seen on the side of a van, the legend: "The artificial grass people". In view of the attempts by the Liberal party, and now also a Tory MP, to get cannabis legalized, it's possible to wonder if the van men were producing synthetic THC cheaper than growing cannabis plants and in a way that sneaks round the law.
    Could happen!

reader comment“Algae is one of the most powerful organisms on Earth, the experts reckon. Could this be why so many people are flocking to the algae boutique?” D.C.

CFL logo Canada Day Weekend gave us the Lions in Calgary. The visitors had a pick cancelled for roughing Reilly, who threw a touchdown pass on the next play. Lots of penalties on the Stampeders, 22-10 at half time.
    Celebrating an interception is unsporting? Bollocks!
    The Stampeders got going in the second half and reached 32-29 with 1:19 left; and recovered an on-side kick. Worse, they marched to a touchdown. 32-36 final and no lead is safe in the CFL. But we already knew that.

Far Queue symbol Dairy-free is for PREVERTS—respect your body, don't get involved

tick symbol Formula One rejoices! The usual suspects stayed out of the way in Austria and let the young punks have a turn for a change. There was a HUGE blot on the celebrations, however. The stewards took THREE BLOODY HOURS to agree that the winner, the son of Yoss 'the boss' Verstappen, made a firm but fair manoeuvre to pass the kid in the Ferrari. The days of Ferrari International Assistance are not yet done.

Far Queue symbol Another week, another Labour plot to steal from the not-very-rich to see how much they can make stick to their greedy fingers during the alleged redistribution process.

Cultural hate crime
The Japanese government is claiming that scoffing whalemeat is part of their culture, so the whaling fleet is taking to the high seas again. And yah, boo, sucks to the rest of the world.

bullet President Putin has denied that his government was behind the recent poisonings in NHS hospitals. He is also claiming that he knows nothing about whatever it is that has given Chancellor Mherkel of Germany the shakes.

bullet The Corbyn Resistance Front inside the Labour party is being blamed for revealing that O.J. is too old and fragile to be a full-time prime monster.
reader comment“No doubt the Corbynskis are claiming that their leader is not losing his marbles on the grounds that he never had any in the first place.” J.M.
reader comment“O.J.'s body double had to be deployed on a suitably vintaged bike at the weekend in an attempt to creat fake news about his lack of frailty.” T.W.

bullet The Chinese government is being accused of exporting agitators to Hong Kong to 'provoke' staged confrontations with the police there.

tick symbol Electric cars will be required by law to fit a noise-maker so that people can hear them coming. It is expected that the deaf community will demand that they be fitted also with a flashing light to make the vehicles more visible.

bulletFerrari has decided not to invite further humiliation by appealing against M. Verstappen's victory in the Austrian Grand Prix @ the weekend just gone.

reader comment“If it's now fashionable to make up stuff about Boris's first marriage, are we allowed to do the same for O.J.'s first and second?” C.D.

reader comment“It's rather strange that someone who has been exposed to politics as much as Dominic Lawson, son of Nigel, the former Chancellor, should imagine that the civil service in London makes any attempt to be impartial. He must have seen tons of evidence to the contrary.” R.W.

Far Queue symbol MPs are attempting to sneak into law, extensions of their online censorship ambitions, which will allow them to send to gaol, journalists and editors who upset them by publishing the truth about their sordid little (and big) dealings.
[They have to catch them first. Ed.]

Bad people do bad things
O.J. Corbynski is being gummed for mocking the award of the Nobel Peace Prize to the EU way back in 2012. Which is typical of the way the world works.
    He does one thing right in his whole life and the waxworks and luvvies start twitting him for it!

Far Queue symbol A gang of US billionaires has come in for a great deal of mockery after calling for higher taxes on the wealthy as a virtue flag-wave.
    If you want to give money to the government over and above what the taxman demands, they are being told, what's stopping you?
    No surprise that the leftie flag-wavers include some of the world's most notorious tax dodgers.

tick symbol People who are habitually late for work or slap-dash about delivering jobs on time will soon be able to sign up to an App, which will deliver excuses with maximum credibility based on their personal circumstances.

The lethal side of migration
A bloke in Clapham had a near miss with the corpse of a stowaway whilst sunning himself in the garden of his posh home at the beginning of the month.
    The block of frozen humanity fell off the landing gear of a jet which was completing a 9-hour flight from Kenya, according to a bloke on a bike, who was spying on it using a phone app.
    The remains missed the householder by just a yard, cracking paving, splattering the garden with blood and alarming the neighbours. The survivor of this near-death experience is now taking refuge elsewhere.
reader comment“Something else for people who will be living under the flight path of Heathrow's third runway to worry about.” L.K.

Far Queue symbol The main reason why the Bonehead Bastard Cult is stealing free TV licences from the over 75s is that it is overpaying lots of undeserving wimmin to achieve parity with overpaid blokes, e.g. Gary bloody Lineker, and plumping up their overblown pensions.

Who sez policies must be sensible?
The Tory leadership contenders have decided that if Labour can have a Magic Money Forest, so can they.
    As a result, they're trying to out-McDonnell Labour's crazy spending plans and give away ZILLIONs of pounds with no thought as to where the cash is coming from. [The rich? Ed.]

Start with like a dramatic gesture!
Britain's 29 Faragist EuroMPs upset the rest of the gang by turning their back on the EU anthem when it was played at the start of their first day in this rotten institution. Appropriately, the new session was in Strasbourg rather than Brussels, underlining the waste which goes on across the EbloodyU.
   Predictably, the Liberals turned out in their Bollocks To Britain T-shirts to get noticed and the scattering of Greens appeared to be wearing Fwoar! Fascism T-shirts.

Whatever floats your boat

bullet O.J. Corbynski has adopted as his new anthem, the theme song of the Star Trek series Enterprise. That's I've Got Space Between My Ears for the benefit of the uninitiated.

Far Queue symbol TheRazor May's failed Brexit stooge, Oily Robbins, has binned himself before the next PM can sack him. If a loser like N. Clegg can blag a multi-million dollar job as an apologist for FakeBuk, his job prospects must be great!

Far Queue symbol The eco-posturing mob @ the Glastonbury Festival left behind enough plastic rubbish to sink a fleet of battleships. So much for Sir D. Attenborough's delusion that it was the first plastic-free festival.
   And no one outside the Fuk Jon Sno compound sang the O.J. Corbynski song this year.

bullet Mile-high Guadalajara in Mexico left FIVE FEET DEEP in hail? Must be that gorbal warming.

CFL logo Canada Day Football—the Argos in Regina—started with the Roughriders returning the kick off almost to field goal range. But that's all they got. But they finished the first quarter with a 98-yard touchdown play.
    Cue a storm and a weather delay for lightning with 1:39 left in the second quarter, just after the Riders had scored a touchdown. TWO HOURs later, they kicked the convert for 7-26 and cue a punch-up.
    There was no half-time break. Just a field goal for the Riders in the 3rd quarter. How close could the Argos get? No closer—7-32 final in the home team's favour.

Far Queue symbol Russia denies all responsibility for Russian-supplied missile which was fired from Syria at mystery target in mountains to north of Nicosia in Cyprus. As missile struck in Turkish-occupied area of island, EbloodyU is officially 'not bovvered'.

bullet The Warmists are seeking to ban barbeques as a danger to the climate.

Far Queue symbol Sacked former Chancellor G. Osborne has ditched his wife as a first step on the road back to politics? It's unlikely that he will find a constituency willing to have him, though, or enough voters who are mug enough to elect him.

bullet Most local councils will be extinct by 2025, having run out of resources thanks to decades of reckless, Gordon F. Broon-style fiscal lunacy and creation of non-jobs for usual suspects.

No getting rid of them
Is anyone really worried about the Union splitting and shedding the Scots? If they do break away, they're bound to go bankrupt, as they did 300 years ago, and they're bound to come crawling back, much to the chagrin of Wee Burney Sturgeon.

bulletQ: What's the best thing to do if you find yourself struggling with a Ph.D. course at a top university?
bulletA: Throw a hissy fit and play the race card as you abandon your course, get your picture in the papers and hope to get a job in the virtue industry.

reader comment“A cancer charity reminds people that o'besity causes cancer (just like smoking) and the NHS agrees. Next thing you know, twerps are sounding off about fat-shaming and promoting o'besity as a good thing. It's a weird world.” H.E.

Royal Mail Inaction
reader comment“I heard something come through the letterbox. Then somethng else. As it was just after 4 p.m., I assumed I'd received more advertising bumf and carried on working. Wrong.

Ignore other card

   “What I found 20 minutes later was a missed delivery card addressed to me with ignore other card written on it. The other card was addressed to someone further along my road. Which gave the game away.
   “Some skiving bastard had been doing hit-and-runs with these cards instead of bothering to ring a doorbell, knock on a door and try to deliver the packets. The fact that he had a card ready for the next house on his list proved it.
   “I shall definitely tick the 'Courier Delivery' option next time.” F.P.

Far Queue symbol The new leaders of the EbloodyU's institutions are all tainted by corruption and or federalism. So no change anywhere.

Far Queue symbol The nation awaits with equanimity the impending sacking of Hooray Hammond, the most up-beat Chancellor of the Exchequer the nation has ever known.
   His constant optimism and benign stewardship of an economy wrecked by his two Labour predecessors has created a widespread feel-good factor in the nation, which not even O.J. Corbynski and his stooge of a chancellor wannabe have been able to quench.

For every expert . . .
The Xperts at the University of Essex reckon that identifications made using facial recognition software are wrong 81% of the time because the software is deficient. The Police of the Metropolis reckon their system produces the right result 99.9% of the time. You pays your money . . .

bullet 3,200 miles—that's 10%—of Britain's A-roads and motorways are not safe to use.
reader comment“We don't even dare to think what percentage of Britain's hospital buildings are crumbling about the ears of their staff and the customers.” J.H.

Unfortunate friends
Cruise ships from the United States are no longer visiting Cuba because the regime there supports O.J. Corbynski's South American paradise of Venezuela.
    The once-growing Cuban tourist industry is going back into decline as it is having to survive on visits by Russian warships. So the pickings are now v. lean.

Far Queue symbol The International Monetary Fund will be in real trouble if Gordon F. Broon gets to replace its corrupt but departed figurehead. Or G. Osborne. Or even M. Carney

reader comment“Yesterday, I received an email from the Royal Mail. Their email address was donotreply@royalmail.com. The header included a return email address—which was donotreply@royalmail.com. Spit the bones out of that!!” R.W.

Corruption is as corruption does
How typical of the EbluddyU to make a woman who is a convicted criminal rather than a banker [who would be an unconvicted criminal if a bankster? Ed.] the new head of the Eurobloodypeon Central Bank. Of course, she is French and the EbloodyU is notorious for being a Franco-Deutsch stitch-up.
reader comment“If anything, she'd be more suited to head the EbloodyU's Eastern Bank and be in charge of corrupt transactiions with Putinstan and points east.” N.L.
reader comment“The latest EU horse-trading and Franco-Deutsch stitch-up for the top jobs confirms that this rotten shambles remains uncontaminated by that sinister force democracy.” T.G.

bullet O.J. Corbynski has achieved Gordon F. Broon's voter confidence level of 18%. The future is now bright red and we're on our way, Comrades!

It’s a volcano, it’s what they do
The residents of the Mediterranean island of Stromboli and visitors are said to be in a state of shock after the local volcano came to life and blasted out debris and a mile-high ash plume.
    Why they should be surprised remains a mystery. The volcano is recognized as one of the world's most active and it has been sounding off regularly for the last 90 years.

bulletQ: What's this 'freak air' we're supposed to be getting from the government? Something to do with gorbal warming?
bulletA: That's 'free care' as in 'for the elderly', Clothears!

bulletGood News: Boris is going to give us 20,000 more coppers.
bulletNot So Good News: It will take 2 years of training before they can start harassing motorists and ignoring burglars.
reader comment“Maybe he can spend those two years getting rid of the dead wood in the management levels of the nation's police farces and turn them into something effective.” C.B.

Nicel little earner
UK police helmet The reason why the nation's police farces have gone soft on cannabis has been revealed—thanks to a police cock-up.
    When the Greater Manchester Police raided a building in Failsworth, they were embarrassed to find themselves in a former police station, which had been closed and turned over to cultivating weed.
    The chief constable of GMP currently has the PR department on overtime, trying to come up with some sort of a story.

reader comment“If the Tories are selling dinner with the next PM @ £300K a pop as a fund-raising scheme, that has to be a plug for Boris, who'd be a much more entertaining host than the other Jeremy.” D.S.

Too reasonable to happen
As Britain's graveyards run out of space, some lateral thinker has come up with an ingenious solution—put lines of graves alongside motorways.
    Such motorways of the future would have an overtaking lane, a middle lane, a slow/departing lane, a hard shoulder and a dead zone. Burials along the routes of railway lines has also been suggested.
reader comment“Should make for some interesting funerals with the mourners dodging juggernauts or trains.” T.S.

Old bloke pretending to be James Bond reader comment“That tanker of Iranian oil which the Royal Marines seized off Gibraltar to prevent it from being delivered to Syria—will the cargo be sold off to pay for the repairs to the tankers which the Iranians assaulted in the Gulf zone?” M.S.

reader comment“Switching on early for the Canadian Football condensed version, I was greeted by the weird spectacle of gangs of Yanks going bonkers over some guy called Joey, who scoffed 71 hot dogs with the encouragement of a shouty bloke to become world champion of something or other. It's a funny old world.” R.W.
reader comment“When will dog-cramming become an Olympic sport?” C.W.

reader comment“Perhaps the worst example of corpse-dancing of recent years was the appalling T. Watson (Labour, what else?) comparing the loss of a wife or husband to the loss of a free over-75 TV licence. Are there no depths to which political scumbags will not sink?” J.D. [Nope. Ed.]

CFL logo Thursday Night Football featured the Tigercats in Montreal. Almost a touchdown from the Alouettes' opener. Then they stopped the Cats with a pick and came back for a TD. 0-10. It was 10-all early in the 2nd quarter and 18-12 at half time.
    Tonite, we were in for a different story from the massacre in Hamilton. The Als took the lead again toward the end of Q3. Another Montreal major started Q4. 29-36 final on Stanback night. The Cats provoked too many red dusters to win.

Just bloody twerps
Just how stoopid do the Warmists think we are? [Very. Ed.] Who's going to be impressed by football shirts made out of bamboo on the grounds that they are made from natural rather than synthetic fibres? Are we supposed not to know that cotton (not synthetic) has been available in abundance for donkey's years?

No comment causes panic
The nation's scribblers and wafflers are upset by the current trend of silence—Boris about his private life and Archie about who his godparents are. Shame that they have to spend even more time making stuff up to fill the gaps.

Far Queue symbol A hissy Labour MP dumps her kid in Downing Street and isn't arrested for felony child endangerment. Oh, to be a politician and not subject to the law like everyone else.

CFL logo Friday Nite Football was the Bombers in the nation's capital, where they exploded 82 yards for a touchdown after making the home team punt. 7-1 after the first quarter.
    Suddenly, it was 8-1 and 4 minutes of Q2 had gone. What a tatty-looking pitch the Redblacks have. 15-4 at half time and the Blue Bombers were firmly in charge. It was 22-7 after their kicker had converted his 59th field goal in a row. Then quickly 22-14 after a major from the Redblacks' defence.
    Medlock booted a punt and galloped down the pitch to knee the ball out of bounds at the Ottawa 3! An inevitable major, 29-14; and that was the final score. The Winnipeg side is now the only unbeaten team left.

bullet The barmy bikers are back, going autour de France via Belgium. Surprise! The reigning champ (British) was crashed off his bike by a copper (French). Why are we not really effin' surprised?

Another of the looney left Blob’s failures
How strange that so many people think they're entitled to a vote to chose the prime minister. Clearly, they didn't learn at school that we don't have the equivalent of a president.
    In fact, the system is that we put people in Parliament on the basis of a party manifesto and leave it to the victorious party to pick their leader. So much for Education, Education, Education.

question markWTF are 'buffalo wings'? A bison or buffalo doesn't have wings.
reader comment“They come from chickens with bingo wings.” M.C.

bulletQ: What do you do when you crash your car into a ditch and the police find you're four times over the drink/drive limit?
bulletA: If you're a Swedish migrant on benefits, blame it on Brexit.

 WEEK 2         Putin on the agony, Putin on the style

 
Things fake scientists tell gullible kids (and gullible adults)
bullet 1. If Britain stops producing carbon dioxide, we'll be safe from global warming and Xtinction—no matter what the rest of the world does.
    2. Spacecraft launches punch holes in the containment layer and let the atmosphere leak into space—so anyone living near a spaceport will die.

Things Warmists don’t tell us
1. Carbon dioxide is good for plants. They breathe it in and exhale oxygen. Take carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere and the plants will die and everyone will have to go around in an oxygen mask.
2. There is no No. 2; that 1 is enough.
reader comment“No doubt the Warmists have shares in oxygen mask companies and in the firms which will use electricity from wind farms to electrolyse seawater to release the oxygen.” D.A.

tick symbol If IndyRef1 was a 'once in a generation' vote, then the Scots can have IndyRef2 in 2050. No problem. Xcept for the political has-beens like Wee Burney, who will have to live, and cling to power, until then.

CFL logo Lots of defence when the Lions visited hot and sticky Toronto. A big strike by the Argos gave them just a field goal with rain falling. The Lions got level half-way through Q2 and it was still 3-all at the half.
    More rain in the 3rd quarter. BC forced a fumble and went on to a major after 5 minutes. The Argos returned a punt for a TD to get level? No, they bogged the convert; the holder was looking at the kicker when the snap whistled past him. 10-9.
    The Lions started Q4 with a TD. The Argos managed a major in the last minute and a 2-point convert for 17-all. The kick-off went out of bounds, putting BC at their 45 with about that many seconds to go. They reached FG range. A 38-yard kick went through; but there was a red flag on the pitch for procedure!
   A repeat kick from 42 yards went wide left but Rainey had to step out of bounds to catch the ball!! A rouge for the Lions, 18-17 final and they got their first win. The Argos are still winless. Oh, that failed convert, you Argos!
    It's definitely excitement all the way with the CFL.

bullet Romiley Weather Centre recorded 40 degrees Centigrade this morning! [but on the thermometer in direct sunlight. Ed.]

bullet Rule No. 1: Non-disclosure agreements should never be used to conceal wrongdoing—unless it was by the Labour party.
reader comment“If Labour's chancellor wannabe, J. McDonnell, isn't trying to oust Corbyn stooge Scumas Milne, he's doing a great disservice to the nation.” U.R.

The man who put the ‘sod’ into ambassodor
reader comment“Our man in Washington, K. Darroch, has set British-US relations a hell of a long way back with his undiplomatic treatment of the leader of God's Country.” L.P.
reader comment“Say what you like about Trump, he has shown that a real person can occasionally be installed in a top job and say the things that need to be said, no matter how much they upset the waxwork tendency.” C.D. reader comment“That leak of what should have been confidential diplomatic feed-back is typical of the anti-British, lefty civil service. They leap on every chance to do damage to their country.” K.P.
reader comment“Not making N. Farage our Man in Washington is just another of the things TheRazor May got badly wrong.” F.T.

Far Queue symbol A mouthpiece for the Foreign Office, from which the US ambassodor's opinions on President Trump were leaked, said: "Our team in Washington has strong relations with the White House. No doubt these will withstand such mischievous behaviour."
    Depends whether President Trump dismisses the ambassodor's efforts as just mischief-making.

No hiding place
General Horowitz, the US Justice Department Inspector investigating alleged Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act abuse against the Trump campaign by the FBI, is turning up witnesses who are ready to co-operate with his investigation. The wheels are about to come off what appears to be a conspiracy between the FBI and the Clinton presidential election campaign back in 2016.

Junk debunker
Pyrolysis is the latest answer to doing something with old clingfilm and other difficult to recycle plastic products. No, it's not a new process, it has been known for yonks. Using it is all down to someone looking at what's available in the way of technology and getting creative.

CFL logo No Mitchell for the Stampeders in Regina but he wasn't missed. The visitors went ahead with a major with a failed 2-point convert attempt, and started Q2 with a field goal. 9-0. Too many penalties on the Roughriders, 15-3 at half time.
    The 3rd quarter kick off was returned to FG range but the Stamps went on to a major. 15-10. 22-10 at the end of the quarter. 30-10 after a pick-6 by the Stamps in the 2nd minute of Q4. 37-10 final. Not much for the home fans to cheer about.

Osborne & Hammond to blame
A 90% tax rate is extending NHS waiting lists and discouraging staff from doing the overtime needed to reduce them as they will get little or no benefit from the extra hours worked.
    The spirit of Gordon F. Broon lives on @ the Treasury.

bullet The nation's spirits have been lifted by 7 days of tennis? Cobblers! Most of the nation doesn't give a ratburger for bloody Wimbledon.

bullet Air pollution will knock 2-7 months off the lifespan of a kid born in 2011, the experts reckon. Not anything much to be bothered about.

Brilliant idea
The genius of a development chef at the Notional Truss has come up with the idea of adding cold surplus potato to the mixture for making lemon sponge cakes.
    Apparently, the bonus spud improves the texture of the product and gives it a longer lasting and stronger lemon taste.

tick symbol The UNO has decided that Jodrell Bank, home of the iconic radio telescope, is officially a national treasure. To which the British people; the ones who have been paying attention; reply: "Tell us something we didn't kno."

bullet Political correctness is getting the blame for the continuing persecution of Christians by the looney left.

bullet For some French wines, 2019 will be the Year Without A Vintage, thanks to the Saharan Plume, which has blasted grapes to raisins. But this applies only in the south of the country. Further north, the growers are smiling and expecting a high-value crop.

Something else we’ll believe when we see it
Smoking is to be banned and outlawed by 2030, the government has decided. No one will be allowed to smoke anywhere in the country—except in the smoking galleries, which will be opened at the expense of the tobacco companies alongside the shooting galleries for drug addicts.
reader comment“The government has focussed on smoking tobacco and ducked the issue of smoking cannabis. Could it be that the fix is in and smoking dope is about to become legal?” R.W.
reader comment“That ban on smoking everywhere raises the interesting question of enforcement. No doubt the skies will be darkened by squadrons of police drones, seeking out hot spots with infrared cameras and looking for rising plumes of smoke, even at the tops of mountains.” H.H.H.H.

bulletThe man who put the 'sod' into ambassodor in Washington on behalf of Britain has achieved the diplomatic feat of being unable to be in the same room as President Trump @ a public event.
    Natch, TheRazor May still has full confidence in him.
bullet The government stooge whose leaks disabled relations between the UK and the US is frantically hoping that Putinstan's hackers will get the blame. Or the Chinese government's malicious snoops.
reader comment“It has been poited out that our US ambassodor's reports home contain nothing beyond what appears in the headlines of the anti-Trump press in the US. Surely just tasking someone in London with scanning the right left-wing websites would be more cost-effective than paying a fancy salary to an Establishment stooge.” L.P.

Far Queue symbol Berko, the Commons Squeaker, would like everyone to know that he is the embattled US ambassodor's best mate in the whole world and if Berko is your mate, you can't go wrong.

bullet If you can't sleaze Boris, sleaze his girlfriend.

You're crap and you know it
The trade unions have reminded O.J. Corbynski that his 'principles' have always been worthless and that is why Labour is now officially a party of Bremoaners and sod the views of the majority of its supporters.
    Labour wil also lobby for a DickHead Vote to take the UK back into the EbloodyU, rejecting the People's Vote of 2016.

No sugar, Shirley
Are we surprised that unskilled workers from East and West Pakistan are not paid top dollar? You'd have to be a luvvie or a member of another looney left fadction to expect anything different. Or someone making money out of the race industry.

stop press Our lame duck of an ambassodor in Washington has limped off into the bushes before the hunters can put him out of our misery.
reader comment“Now that his career is over, maybe our former lame duck in Washington will choose to manage a pub in his retirement. Not so much The Ambassodor as The Ambassodoff.” R.W.

Far Queue symbol The MPs @ Westmonster have warned the warring politcians of Northern Ireland that if they don't reopen the Stormont parliament in a fully functioning state by Trafalgar Day, the Westmonster Wonders will make homosexuality compulsory in the province.

Tin-can medicine
People are being encouraged to seek medical advice from Amazon's spy in the living room Alexa to take pressure off the declining number of NHS GPs. It is believed that arms are being designed for the gadget to allow simple surgical procedures to be conducted by remote control.

tick symbol Today's good news from those cheerful Xperts . . .
. . . is that drinking fruit juice and/or fizzy drinks will give you cancer.
[Along with everything else you consume, it seems. But maybe walking barefoot on grass will keept the cancer at bay. As long as there are pigs flying overhead. Ed.]

reader comment“The Daily Mail mist be having a laugh if it wheels out Lord Blunkett to gum President Trump over his views about our late ambassodor. Lest we forget, Blunk was one of Tony B. Liar's ministers but Mr. Liar had to perform the Mandelsleaze Manoeuvre on him twice when his dodginess was exposed. Clearly, the Mail couldn't get anyone decent to do a hatchet job.” O.J.
[see below: an item recycled from our December 2004 efforts. Ed.]

Smug Buggerrecycled PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
on behalf of

Smug Bugger

Vice-Prez Bliar wishes it to be known that he has never met anyone called Blunkett; in fact, he has no memory of ever having heard the name before and it does not appear on any correspondence in his filing system.

If you want to know what was being said 15 years ago, the first time Blunk was booted into touch, have a click here.

bulletQ: What do you do when you run a fish 'n' chip shop in the centre of Leicester but your prices are fancier than those of your rivals and the shop is empty most of the time?
bulletA: Throw a wobbly about sustainable fish being unobtainable and close up the shop.

Not quite back to the Stone Age
The Ministry of Defence is spending £130 MILLION on electromagnetic pulse weapons, which wipe out anything containing computers and other electronics, e.g. drones, vehicles and communications equipment, and also other sorts of electrical equipment.
    Unfortunately, such gadgets do nothing to stop soldiers with guns and bullets and grenades.

They'll swallow anything if it's daft enough
Some 2% of male prisoners enjoying Her Majesty's hospitality are claiming not to be men and 10% of female prisoners are claiming to be men if they are persons of traveller origin.
    Clearly, the prison service isn't giving inmates enough to do to stop them from getting silly ideas. Equally clearly, there is a case for bringing back the treadmill and the hard labour of breaking rocks in a quarry.

bullet Ryanair is trying to deny that it now charges a premium for booking a seat next to someone who isn't a drunken raving nutter.

bulletQ: How does the Conservative party manage to claim that it has 160,000 members?
bulletA: Quite a lot of them are members of more than one constituency association.

bulletQ: How could the Labour party manage to claim to have more members than the entire population of the British Isles?
bulletA: Only by lying.

Far Queue symbol The Commish of the Police of the Metropolis has decided that, compared to the Labour party, the Met is no longer institutionally racist.

reader comment“Who are we to blame for the downfall of the departed ambassodor to the US? Not him, natch. And certainly not the Establishment luvvie who did the leaking to the Mail on Sunday. Boris is handy . . .” J.M.
reader comment“Of course, Boris isn't the PM; TheRazor May still is, in case anyone had lost track; and it wasn't up to Boris to make a decision on who should be our US ambassodor. But hey, this is politics, so who cares about reality?” D.S.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
on behalf of

The British Democracy Movement
Heed The Peoplestart quoteWe'd like some in the government of our country, please.end quote

Doom, Doom, Doom!
If you're a Democrap in America, you don't have to pretend to be making an attempt to be rational. That's the conclusion genuine meteorology experts have reached over the persistent claims by the Democraps in the House of Representatives that every slight bit of weather is a direct result of a climate catastrophe, which will wipe out all life on the planet.
    [And will The Planet care? Not really. Ed.]
reader comment“These are the same Democraps who are trying to unload a $100 TRILLION New Green Deal on the American public. Even though they have no idea where the money will come from.” O.C.
reader comment“Turn every National Park into a forest of Corbynski Magic Money Trees?” R.M.

Freebies is what it's all about
Why did senior White House staff flock to our departed ambassodor's parties if everyone hated him so much?
    Because that's what they do—go from one free binge to another. And our deposed ambassodor was never backward in coming forward when hospitality was on offer. Something he learnt on the Brussels freebie circuit, no doublt.

bullet The taxpayer is going to have to stump up for CCTV in the House of Frauds to prevent the inmates from groping the staff. Apart from the ones with dementia, of course, who can get away with anything.

bullet German Chancellor Angular Mherkel is claiming that her shaking fits are psychological. Being involved in the dirty dealings of Europeon politics for decades has driven her nutz.
    She expects the symptoms to abate after she is booted into touch in 2021.

Operation Danger
The BBC is eager to create a new Mad Cow Disease scare 20 years after the original CJD outbreak as a means of deflecting attention away from its theft of the free TV licence for the over-75s to top up the pensions of overpaid staff.

bullet Warmist Logic: If you dare to say you don't think climate change is doing any harm to The Planet, you are guilty of denying that the climate ever changes and also of stealing the food from the mouths of the children of Global Warming Fraudsters.

bullet Production of the iconic Volkswagen Beetle ends this week. Not a bad run for something created back in 1937!
update In the future, Volkswagen will be manufacturing a new range of electric cars. The name Voltswagen has been suggested for them.

Disorder, Disorder
Surprise! Just like the House of Frauds, the House of Common Criminals is full of sex pests. Also bullies and slave drivers and hissy freaks. And it's all the Squeaker's fault. He spends too much time posturing and not enough time getting a grip on the conduct of the inmates.

We’re not that fragile, mate
If Prince Chuck really thinks that the world's experts can get control of the planet's climate in 18 months—to stop the human species from going Xtinct, no less!—then he really has lost it.
    The human race has survived in hotter and colder conditions that those obtaining right now. But that's not something the Warmists want advertised.
reader comment“A 'By Royal Appointment' for the Cooling Cap™ after Prince Chuck visits Romiley to stock up?” L.S.

CFL logo Mike Reilly and the Lions hosted their return match with the Eskimos. BC were sacked 2 & out to start, the Esks were held to a FG from their opening drive. 10-3 after a quarter.
    Another sack put the Lions out of field goal range. Two more sacks in the first 10 minutes. Harris was roughed off the field in the last minute? No roughing after a challenge. Poor old Reilly was sacked again. 16-3 at half time.
    Bang! A 77-yard TD for the Esks to start Q3! Another after 5 minutes for Daniels, who has moved from Calgary to Edmonton. 30-3 going in to Q4. Reilly lost a TD scramble to holding and the Lions kicked a FG instead, 30-6 and 9 minutes to go. 33-6 final. The commentators blamed the Lions' offence for the loss. Some protection for Mike Reilly would be nice.

Shameless power grab
Labour's appalling deputy, the Nonce Inventor Watson, seems to be seeking to position himself as a decent person compared to O.J. Corbynski. Not exactly something that's hard to do.
    Part of the tactic includes accusing the BBC of not being biased enough in the direction of the looney left after the humiliation of the Beeb's exposure of how anti-Semitism is accepted @ the upper levels of the Labour party and, despite Labour's condemnation of non-disclosure agreements, they are showered on dissenters within its ranks.
    Alien 'Angry' Duncan, our political correspondent, offers the balancing opinion that: "You can't pretend that O.J.'s politics have not been kinder and gentler. He hasn't opened any gulags in the Outer Hebrides or staged a Kristalnacht."

Far Queue symbol Prisoners @ Her Majesty's prisons are to be given the keys to their cells, lots more pocket money and 'in-cell' catering facilities. 'A recipe for disaster' said the Prison Officers' Association; a dinosaur which got it right for once.

Life just got a bit weirder
It is now fashionable to name kids after the mother's favourite tipple. Tiamaria and Johnnywalker are obvious choices but parents who aren't sure which gender their offspring will choose can opt for Beaujolaisnouveau or Southerncomfort or something else non-revealing.

Moving with the times
On-trolley waiting times in hospitals are rising at such a fast rate that the NHS is being forced to have a major rethink about their comfort factor.
    "A brief stay on a trolley is all very well," BFN was told, "but lying on some of our equipment for hours on end is no joke."

reader comment“What is the point of 'intercepting' migrants at sea near Dover? Why waste the taxpayer's cash on giving them a free ride to shore rather than waiting for the buggers to land under their own steam before we let them pretend to be refugees?” J.D.

bullet Following on from success in the world of chess, a university in the US has developed a computer program which can beat the pants off a group of the world's top poker players.

Always have, always will
Owners of weapons which have become illegal to possess in New Zealand are complaining that the compensation offered under the government's buy-back scam is inadequate.
   No surprise there. Governments always swindle the customers when they change the rules. Possibly because politicians have a built-in criminal mentality.
    [Hence all the expenses fraud. Ed.]

CFL logo The Argos were in Winnipeg for Friday Nite Football. A guy called Lucky returned the opening kick off for a Blue Bombers' touchdown!! The Argos had to punt and the kick was returned to their 4. Another TD one play later and the home team was up 0-14. A bomb of a TD pass made it 0-21 after 10 minutes.
   The Bombers struck again 4 minutes into Q2. Finally, the Argos managed a TD in the last 3 minutes but missed the convert. 6-31. Two more FGs from Medlock, 6-37 at half time.
    The Argos fumbled away their first play of Q3 but no damage done. They did better than in the first half, outscoring the home team 15-11 but the damage had been done and the final score was 21-48.
    It could have been closer had not a 2-point conversion attempt by the Argos flopped and the Bombers not staged a goal line stand with 3 minutes to go, which gave the Argos just 2 points from a safety instead of 7. Too much fumbling by the Argos.

Mixed messages
The Bad News for journalists is that the Police of the Metropolis are trying to make publishing a leak from government circles into a crime when whoever it was who breached the Official Secrets Act is the only criminal.
    The Good News for journalists is that they are probably safe from coppers who can catch only 2% of real criminals like burglars.

bullet Bloody Wimbledon News: Some foreigner beat some other foreigner at tennis.

Far Queue symbol President Macron is staging a Bastille Day military parade of the sort that communist regimes favour in order to warn President Trump that sending in the Marines to sort out his rogue regime would be a bad idea. But given that America has the bestest armed forces in the whole wide world, no one is likely to be too impressed.

tick symbol Flash mobs around the world are gathering for a few minutes in weird, red outfits to celebrate Wuthering Heights Day in tribute to the song which Kate Bush performed for the first time, in a red frock, 18 years ago.

tick symbol Something which is upsetting the French in particular is that even if Britain leaves the EU, English will remain not only an official language—because it is used by the members Malta and Ireland—but it will likely also remain the principal working language of the EU institutions because everyone who is anyone speaks English.

CFL logo What do you get when you switch on for the Alouettes in the nation's capital? No first quarter, not the first 3½ minutes of Q2 and a 6-0 scoreline thanks to bloody baseball over-running. [But the Canadian team did win. Ed.]
    The Als kicked a 3rd FG half-way through the quarter. Ward replied with No. 60 in a row for the Redblacks. 9-3 with 4 minutes to half time. The Als were stoopid enuf to line up offside with the RBs going for a 3rd down at their 1. TD Ottawa. But the RBs ended up trying to make a 2-point conversion from their 22 after procedure and roughness penalties. No cigar.
    FG No. 61 for Ward was answered by a 75-yard TD pass but a missed convert, 15-12. Another TD for the visitors after 12 minutes and 22-12. Adams scored a TD in Q4, one back for Davis, 29-19. A missed MTL field goal attempt did the job of a good punt with 2½ minutes to go. A 1-yard TD for Adams made the final score 36-19. The Redblacks are really missing Trevor Harris, who is now an Eskimo.


Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!


Below the line mission statement: We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, July MM19.