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 WEEK 4 

Attention clouters!
It's okay to start shedding, May be out now.

May is out, 2018

bullet Who wears a 'bateau' neckline? A sailor's wife? It's a term which looks like it can be stretched to cover a multitude of sins, from a frock with the grace of a tea clipper to something that looks like the back end of a tatty old barge.

Taking responsibility
bullet It's very hard to have much sympathy for the people living near the Kilaueu volcano in Hawaii. If you chose to inhabit a danger zone, you must expect to be erupted upon and it's unreasonable to expect anyone else to rally round when the inevitable happens.

bullet Gordon F. Broon is being described as a towering figure in UK and global politics in the puff for a coming interview by Mrs. Brown at the Southbank Centre in London. Looks like someone has managed to keep secret the abolition of the Trade Descriptions Act.

Far Queue symbol Chelski's Russian owner is being kept out of the country as part of the sanctions against Putin the Poisoner's buddies. Not being allowed to attend the Cup Final and posture with his winning team must have hurt. But, no doubt, the KGB will be able to mock up some photos to make it look like he was there after all.

Far Queue symbol Support for independence is down to 30% in Scotland but Wee Burney Sturgeon hasn't been put off wasting even more taxpayers' cash on even more independence plans.
   Her latest Big Idea is a Scottish pound, which will be independent of the UK residue pound, and probably worth about as much as the Venezuelan ruble. But unveiling her latest piece of nonsense did serve the primary purpose of getting Burney's pic in the papers.

bullet China and the US have put their trade war over tariffs on hold for the moment to allow them to concentrate more on sorting out North Korea and Russia.

Non sequitur news
bullet Dolphin died after eating rubber said the headline. The marine biologist who examined the remains said that the piece of old rubber glove in the deceased mammal's stomach was incidental. Which means that it would have been equally accurate to have used the headline:
Dolphin died after Corbyn made Labour leader

The beranting bishop
bullet No one can accuse Prince Harry and his wife Mhegan of not having a sense of humour after they imported a cabaret act for their wedding. Unfortunately, their American comedy vicar got a bit carried away and rattled on for double his allocated time slog. [Typo, should have been 'slot' but we felt that the typo was stet-worthy. Ed.]
   Luckily for the foreign bishop, he was in England, where everyone is terribly polite, and the crowd didn't start stamping their feet and yelling: "Get ON with it!" when he kept drivelling on and on and on.

Just a quitter
bullet K. Livingstone has abandoned his campaign to make the Labour party adopt A. Hitler as one of its Heroes of Socialism. The move is seen as part of the current campaign to pretend that the party's hard lefties are not anti-Semitic.
bullet Mr. Livingstone's standing in the party remains solid with the Corbyn camp, a member of which described him as a towering figure, who popularised progressive socialism.
[Yes, Reader, you're right – it doesn't mean anything. Ed.]

bullet If you're thinking about travelling by train, you might want to reconsider. Timetables everywhere have been redone and buggered up comprehensively.

bullet Inflation in Venezuela, where the nutters have just rigged themselve another election victory, is a mere 14,000%. J. Corbyn would make this look trivial if he ever gets to be PM and follows Venezuela's better way of screwing things up.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

 WEEK 1 

Scum Rising
bullet On May Day in Paris, no one was dancing round a maypole. It was masks on for a day of rioting, arson 'n' lootin' by members of the commie trade unions and their satellites.
bullet The Minister of the Interior (or Inferior? Clockwork Orange joke. Ed.] declared the violence to be completely unacceptable. Which leaves the rest of us wondering what this waxwork would consider partially, or even marginally, acceptable.

Brief encounter
bullet President Kim's chumming up to his counterpart in South Korea is seen as being just as sincere as McRon's attempt to become Donald Trump's boyfriend. All teeth and tits on the day, then back to normal when the cameras stop rolling.

bullet At the end of April, London was invaded by toxic, Corbynist, hairy oak moth caterpillars, which can cause vomiting and skin rashes. The city's pantomime mayor; a cosmetic son of a Pakistani bus driver; rushed to issue a statement claiming that there was no cause for alarm. Which triggered mass stampedes out of the infected areas.

Here's a good one that one of our contributors found:
bullet The modern world explained: Why is it called a hash tag? Because Twitter is mind-marijuana, which makes its users paranoid and crazy.

bullet President Trump has threatened to close down the federal government machine in September if Congress fails to release funds for his security wall along the US border with Mexico. The construction industry has welcomed his stance but politicians see it as an unwelcome distraction of attention from the ones hoping to be re-elected in November.

Ruddy well gone
bullet Rudd resigns? Okay. Everyone knows that the Home Office is full of idiots but civil servants cannot be blamed for anything that they do. They are untouchable. When they screw up, they are promoted; sideways or upwards; or given a medal and booted into dishonourable retirement on a huge pension.
   Politicians are not untouchable, however. It is their job to carry the can back by resigning to let everyone know when the idiots have screwed up exceptionally badly. Especially if the politician is too busy to looking in other directions to notice what the idiots have been up to.
   That said, everyone knows that the person who gave the idiots a licence to abuse and behave like complete berks in re the Windrush migrants is currently the prime minister. But she's out of that firing line and in another.

Ignorance; not necessarily blissful
bullet If the replacement Home Sec.; the British-born son of a Pakistani bus driver (who also did lots of other stuff); thinks he could have been caught up in the Windrush shambles, that explains why he's at the Home Office. If he doesn't know the difference between Pakistan and the Caribbean, it's a good job he's not at the Foreign Office or even in charge of Education & Training.
   In fact, it would have been better for the country if he had been left to fester at Communities as a nod in the direction of diversity.

Smoke & Mirrors
bullet A count of those giving on-line praise to J. Corbyn has revealed that Labour has 13 times more supporters in Russia than in Britain. But that support is fugitive. If some other party began to attack everything that Western culture stands for, it would suddenly acquire a magical majority in the spurious on-line world.

Nosh News
bullet Romiley can expect yet another new eatery next month with the opening of a branch of Pasta La Vista, Baby, Arnold Schwarzenberger's chain of spaghetti joints. Refurbishing work is close to completion next door to Romiley's branch of Glad To Be Vlad, where the staff are picked for their bad attitude and slavish adoration of President Putin and all his works.
   [Hint: if you want to get into what passes for their good books, admire the Vlad posters and ask for the Salisbury Special. Ed.]

bullet We're being told by the BBC that 60% of people didn't see a hedgehog last year. Really? If they'd said 97%, that would have been more credible.

When in doubt, shoot yourself in the foot
Shot in the foot Facebook has decided to start ranking news organization on a trustworthiness scale based on user feedback. Which means we can expect a surge in membership by Russians pretending to be located a lot further west, and some very interesting websites at the top of the heap.
   The honcho's brainstorm is a result of criticism to the effect that his company's platform (i.e. publishing platform) has damaged democracy by the amount of fake news which it has carried without screening and presented as being of the same standard as real news. [Or what passes for it in today's world. Ed.]

Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!
bullet There is nothing some countries won't do to reclaim the international spotlight. Take Israel for instance. Kim and Moon have a love-in in Korea. Next thing you know, the gang boss of Israel is threatening to bomb Iran because he claims they're still making nuclear weapons (to counter the threat of Israel's nukes) but mainly because he's not getting enough attention.
   Cue some tweets from President Trump to put him back in his box? Especially as he has a long history of claiming that Iran is seconds away from creating its own nukes.

Moving the menace
bullet Utility companies have come up with a wonderful new scam. Faced with huge charges for digging up roads, they plan to move pipes and cables to pavements to escape fees for disrupting traffic. Which fails to take into account the ease with which the road tax could be extended to cover pavements, too. And the fact that many pavements are not wide enough for people and workmen.
bullet If they had any sense, the utility companies would demand a pothole discount for roads which they repair after excavating.

Far Queue symbol Iraq war hero Tony B. Liar, the man who put the 'con' into consequences.

Divide and disgruntle
Far Queue symbol Wee Burney Sturgeon has turned the Scots into a divided nation with her cosmetic legislation to give alcohol a minimum price. They now consist of those within handy range of England, who can go on a quick booze cruise to a place where it is cheaper, and those too far away to cruise comfortably.
bullet The British nation's chronic drinkers are doing their bit towards mitigating the care of the eldery crisis. Their death rate has gone up by 10% over the last decade.

bullet Flying around France is still beset by problems. The yobbo unions are still calling strikes over a 5.1% pay claim.

People Power
cargo trikebullet The German response to the prospect of bans on diesel-powered delivery vans in cities has been a rise in the number of cargo bikes on the road.
   Some are 2-wheelers, usually with a cargo tray in an extended space between the rider and the handlebars, and the front wheel, and some are trikes. More bike lanes are promised and it won't be long before Far East-style bicycle taxis start to appear.
   And then some wiseguy politician will decide that the pollution problem has gone away and start slapping taxes on the bikes to make up for lost revenue from motor vehicles.

bullet Some of the Corbynasties have had to be switched from Jew-bashing to Paki-bashing following the switch of Home Secretary. Mr. Javid, the latest incumbent, is now in line for a Labour First Coconut Award as soon as the party can find someone nasty enough to present him with it.

Collective Narcissism Syndrome
bullet The news that lefty luvvies are less vulnerable to fake news than real people is . . . fake news, according to the experts. If it agrees with their prejudices, luvvies will swallow any old tosh as the truth.

bullet Q: What do you get when you ask Apple to give you a £25 replacement battery for a failed old one in an iPhone?
        A: Charged £250.

bullet The local elections attracted little interest from the political parties. A quick survey in Romiley turned up the news that no one questioned had been doorstepped by either a candidate or a representative. As for posters, those surveyed reported seeing a total of none for Labour and the Liberals in the central area of the village, and one for the Tories.

Coming to a phone near you . . .
Far Queue symbol The latest internet scam in the Romiley area is a recorded voice of a lady with an American accent, who claims to be from the victim's internet service provider (no name, no pack drill) and brings the news that their IP address has been compromised from several countries and the service will be cut off within 24 hours. But the good news is they can get a new one for free by pressing 1' to contact a technician (and be scammed).

No Platform for 'murky' censors
Far Queue symbol Universities have been claiming a right to ban anyone whose views are likely to upset snoflake bigots and racialists. As a result, the Universities Minister, S. Gyimah, has felt obliged to pull the plug on them. Vice-chancellors must allow the free exchange of views which do not violate exisiting laws, and they can no longer pretend they are helpless in the face of bans imposed by student unions in pursuit of dodgy causes. Or else the pound in their pocket will be trimmed.

Thought for the Month
bullet Hopeless resignation – is that necessarily anything to worry about? Hope implies a desire for change. But if no change is desired, and one is content as well as resigned to one's circumstances, then hope (and its overtones of change) is actually unwelcome.
   A hope-less state can involve serenity through the lack of a fear of disruptive change. But only for those who know how to appreciate what they have and who do not feel inclined to indulge in change for the sake of it or because others expect it of them.

The New Britain
bullet Courts in smaller towns are to go the same way as bank branches; into extinction. Under a new justice-on-the-cheap scheme, rooms will be booked in a town hall or hired in a hotel or pub, whenever a venue for legal business is required.
   What's the next step? Mobile courts like mobile libraries and banks?

More money for less
Far Queue symbol The EU, which is about to lose one of the handful of states which actually pays money in, is demanding an even bigger budget from the remaining 27 nations. Which will be really tough on the Germans and Dutch.

Higher? Lower?
bullet Big question of the month: How will the number of Windrush scammers compare with the number of Grenfell Tower bogus resident scams?

Far Queue symbol The UN has sent one of its special envoys to the UK to promote post-Brexit racialism. This latest UN clown is a lawyer and a promoter of the 'uman right of vicious and nasty people not to go to gaol no matter how heinous the offence committed. Criminals adore her.

bullet Flushed indestructible wet wipes are creating wipebanks of Dogger proportions in the Thames. It is feared that they could become a hazard to navigation if not tackled right away.

bullet The government of China is said to be highly embarrassed by the £50 million of 'small change' overseas aid which it receives from the UK. The Department for International Development has no plans to stop sending it, as it has a mountain of cash to shovel into Brown Holes and every little helps.

Not that original after all
iceberg There is a guy trying to convince the South African government that towing icebergs there from Antarctica, at a cost of only around £100 million, is a reasonable solution to their drought problem which no one else has thought of yet.
   That's apart from the people who have been suggested the same scheme for supplying rich but arid Arab nations with iced water for the last 40 or 50 years. And the brewing industry in Chile was actually using small icebergs in the middle of the 19th century! And the Canadians routinely tow icebergs around when they are on a collision course with an offshore oil platform. But hey, let's not let a few facts get in the way, eh?

How to be a dognapper
bullet Note: this is based on an actual case.
a) get a job delivering stuff for Amazon, b) spot who is ordering dog food in bulk, c) find out if the pet is valuable, d) if it is, stroll off with the dog after making a delivery.

Far Queue symbol The Squeaker of the House of Common Criminals has been warned that all hell will break loose if he fails to keep his word and quit by June 22nd after 9 years spent disgracing the job by throwing 'legendary' tantrums and showing shameless bias to the Labour lot.

Far Queue symbol There are idiots everywhere, even in the ranks of the management of the RNLI. One of them has cost Whitby the services of most of the crew of its lifeboat with an act of pathetic political correctness and general nastiness.

Oh, Catastrophe! (not)
bullet The BBC is really cross with the Conservatives. Having predicted confidently that the Tories would be wiped out in the local council elections, the Beeb's experts were left grinding their teeth in fury as they wiped egg off their collective faces when the results came in. The Tory vote didn't collapse and Labour had a bleak old time of things.

bullet Pakistan has staked a claim on the hottest April day ever recorded on the planet with a reading of 50.2 deg.C in Nawabshah province on the 30th.

Far Queue symbol The US Department of Homeland Security has reported a large increase in the number of illegals being intercepted at America's southern border. Clearly, President Trump is making such a great success of reviving his country's fortunes that everyone wants to get in on the act.

Inappropriate Imprecision
bullet What sort of expert talks about 'half a cup of Novichok' as the amount used by Putin's poisoners to attack the Skripals in Salisbury? Clearly, someone fresh from a cookery course.
bullet The official view is that the amount of nerve poison is indeterminate, which means that it could have been anywhere between a tablespoolful and a teaspoonful.

Heading for the Red Planet
NASA InSight lander launchbullet NASA's first ever launch from Vandenberg Air Force Base in southern California took place on the first Saturday of the month. The Atlas V launch vehicle, carrying the Mars lander InSight, was fired at 4 a.m. so that if it blew up, there wouldn't be too many people around to watch a flop.
   The mission will take 7 months to reach Mars, and the InSight lander is scheduled to touch down on the surface at around 3 p.m. EST on November 26th. The object of the mission is to detect marsquakes and monitor sub-surface heat flow at the lava plains of Elysium Planitia to obtain data to help space boffins understand how rocky planets form.

bullet Wondering where all the traditionally terrible bank holiday weather has gone? As Britain basks in sunlight, and it's supposed to be hotter than Morocco, they're clearing up in western Canada. Cattle had to put up with standing up to their armpits in floods of freezing cold water in new Brunswick and roof-ripping gales hit Ontario.

Far Queue symbol Someone needs to tell Tony B. Lliar crony Lord Adonis that it's not the Home Secretary who deports people, it's the idiots at the Home Office. And if they abuse the system, that's because they're . . . idiots.

Unwelcome change
Far Queue symbol Labour looney J. McDonnell is quite right when he says Karl Marx was a force for change. Followers of Marx's looney ideas are really great at changing live people into dead ones. By the million.

bullet Better late than never, but a lawyer has spotted that the luvvie left plan to make newspapers which are not in Labour's pocket pay the cost of a failed libel action brought against them violates 'uman bluddy rights laws and would be rejected by the courts.

Far Queue symbol Vlad the Putin has taken a break from trying to rig foreign elections to rig the domestic ones in Russia in order to keep himself and his mates with their hands in the till.

 WEEK 2 

Good and bad bus news
Bus on fire in Romebullet France is on strike but the buses are running in Italy. But the bad news is that they are liable to turn into an involuntary barbeque, especially in Rome, where 9 buses have gone up in flames already this year.
   There were 22 bus fires in the Italian capital last year, and the mayor has the Guinness Book of Records on speed-dial on his phone just in case this year breaks the record. An ancient fleet of buses and shoddy maintenance are getting the blame for the fires.
bullet Rome is about the only major city of the world where a bus on fire in a major street is automatically blamed on the transport authority rather than terrorists.

Do as I say, not as I do
Far Queue symbol After moaning about the Trump plan to prevent illegal migrants entering the United States from Mexico, the Mexican government has been quietly ramping up border controls on its southern border. The bus companies in the area have reported a significant fall in revenue due to the loss of the migrant trade.

Let's have Russian Democracy here!
Far Queue symbol Vlad the Putin won another 6-year term as Russian president by a mile — by banning his main rival from standing as a candidate in the election. How, we wonder, would Russia's fans in the Labour party react if Mrs. May did the same to J. Corbyn? Shrug their shoulders and say 'fair enough'? They could hardly object without casting aspersions on their hero in the East.

bullet Here's a wonderful scam: A driver sticks a bank card in a reader at a petrol pump and is done for £99. After filling up, the cost of the petrol is deducted from the 99 quid and the driver gets the change — anything up to two days later.

update The experts have decided that the Uber driverless car, which killed a pedestrian in Arizona in March, has software which probably concluded that the woman was a plastic bag, which could be clobbered safely (safe for the car, that is). In addition to the defective software, there was also a 'safety driver' in the car, who must have been similarly defective.

Far Queue symbol The Attorney General of New York, who leapt aboard the MeeToo bandwagon, has been MeeToo'd out of his job.

update Sainsbury's is also trialling delivery vehicles consisting of a trike with storage boxes ahead and behind the rider. But these replacements for diesel-powered vans are electric trikes, which means that the delivery persons will not derive the benefits of healthy exercise gained from applying pedal power.

reader comment“Anyone thinking of making a donation to the Lifeboats is advised to realize that the cash could be going to pay fancy wages to some management stooge, who thinks a knowledge of corporate speak and an ability to come up with cute slogans is more important that trying to retain the services of RNLI crew members, who are willing to risk life and limb to rescue those in peril on the sea.”

bullet What do you get if you build a house on the slopes of the volcano Kilaueu in Hawaii? Swallowed up by a river of red-hot molten lava, that's what.

Loyalty matters? Really?
bullet The insurance industry has promised a new ethos and approach in the future, and to stop ripping off existing customers with eye-watering rates far exceeding those offered to new customers.
   Their only problem appears to be getting the public that they have stopped being money-grubbing swindlers.

Give us lots of cash and save BILLIONS!
bullet They're not called global warming swindlers for nothing. The Financial Ombudsman Service reckons that upwards of 20,000 people signed up for loans for installing solar panels on the understanding that the panels would pay for themselves via electricity sold to the national grid. But what they got was ripped off to the tune of as much as £1,000.

bullet Beaver dams are good for the environment because they trap soil eroded from intensively managed grassland fields upstream, say the experts. Which helps prevent erosion of the fields how? No word on that yet.

bullet A rise in petrol prices means that motorists are driving less. Which must be doing wonders for air quality by reducing the amount of pollutants going into it.

bullet If you're driving a foreign car, especially a BMW or Volkswagen, don't expect to be told about any potentially lethal faults and don't expect the software to comply with legal requirements. And don't expect the seat belts to work if it's made by VW.

Surveillance society
bullet Everyone who doesn't need a mobile phone had better hurry up and die. One of the country's top judges has decided that carrying a mobile phone, and having it switched on, will be a legal requirement in the 2030s in the interests of knowing where criminals are when crimes are committed.
   It will also help with the judicial ambition to abolish courts in buildings and perform all legal stuff on-line or on the phone.
reader comment“It would be really nice if overpaid judges would stick a hand in their own pocket and buy a phone for anyone who doesn't need one. And a charger if they have to be permanently switched on. And a spare battery, And pay for all the electricity used by the charger.”

bullet The House of Lourdes is being threatened with reform/the chop yet again. Customers are advised not to hold their breath.

Snoflakes melting in the heat of exposure
bullet Cambridge U. will allow students to opt out of a public display of exam results to reduce stress levels in duffers. Which means that only students who expect to do well will appear on publicly displayed lists, and everyone not on the lists will be assumed to be a duffer.

update The telephone scammers who want to provide a "no nuisance calls for life" service are after a debit card number and £140.

reader comment“I had a mailing offering to do a free PPI check to find out I qualify for lots of lovely loot the other day. After watching Eddie-baby Millipede's swivel-eyed performance in the Commons on TV yesterday, I started to wonder if it's possible to take out PVI insurance. So that people like poor-me Ed won't be persecuted by Powerful Vested Interests, as he claims is always happening to him.”

bullet If you live in Germany and your car has turned yellow, don't panic. It's not a manufacturing defect in the paint. It's pollen from spruce trees, which go crazy and produce it by the ton in some spring seasons. Customers are advised to wash it off rather than trying to wipe it off with a dry rag, as this could damage the paint finish. Or just let wind and rain remove it.
bullet If this year is one of the spruce 'mast years', everyone is safe for the next three to seven years.

bullet Revealed! Boris Johnson and Donald Trump are the same person because lots of pictures are available showing them them in the same pose. Also, they are both real people rather than mealy mouthed creeps with neither a personal philosophy nor a set of values and beliefs. And both have stickability. But we already knew that.

The party of DOOM!
bullet The Labour party is getting the credit for solving the problem of an ageing population. The last time Labour was in government, Tony B. Liar and his chums set in motion the process of paying doctors to prescribe drugs which are beneficial to some [£15 BILLION since 2002. Ed.] but downright life expectancy-reducing for others who do not really need to take the pills.
   But now, people are seen as walking bags of money by doctors and drug companies. And if they drop dead, there are always new customers available to take their place.

Edstone, man of honor
bullet Does it really matter whether Edstone Milipede stabbed his brother in the front or the back? Wherever the lethal blow landed, he still forced Banana Man David to emigrate to the US and get a £500K job with some charity instead of being stuck with the job of leading the Labour party into yet another electoral defeat. How crool is that!

bullet The UK is no longer officially measles-free. The disease is staging a comeback via imports from the EU, mainly from Italy and Romania.

bullet Labour is the welcoming party—official! Britain's communists feel right at home at Labour events because there is now no difference between the two parties, as far as their politics is concerned, with Corbyn's looney lefties in charge. Which saves the communists a fortune in not having to field candidates at elections.

bullet Q: What do you get when you let W.H. Smith open a shop in a hospital?
        A: Charged 8 quid for an 80p tube of toothpaste.

bullet Q: What do you get if you let the Establishment try to make the rail connection between Glasgow and Edinburgh 10 minutes faster?
        A: A bill for £900,000,000.

bullet Lewis Hamilton won the Spanish Grand Prix easily. All of the excitement came in the first lap when there was a huge crash, which wiped out three cars. Thereafter, it was pretty processional and yawnworthy. Vettel blew a finish in 2nd place with an extra pit stop and let Bottas and Verstappen claim the other podium places.

bullet If two-thirds of the population of Britain is supposed to be overweight, how does that square with Labour claims that everyone is living in poverty? And would it have been 101% of the population is overweight if Gordon F. Brown had been allowed to continue to chuck around borrowed cash?

Far Queue symbol Racialist African descendants of the people who rounded up slaves and flogged them off to the highest bidder coming here to bitch about the slave trade is like drug dealers beefing about the morals of their customers.

bullet Fray Bentos pies in a tin have been around for 60 years and the ancestors of the Millennials have had no bother with getting at them. But the Snoflakes just can't do it, so a redesign of the packaging is needed. Aaaah!

bullet Q: What do you get if you go gorilla-trekking in the Republic of Congo?
        A: Kidnapped by guerillas.

Far Queue symbol Bananaman Milipede is back from the States to save us from Brexit and deliver a hard Bremoan. Oh, joy!

Far Queue symbol Wearing a kimono if you're not Japanese is a really good way to set off offence-seeking junkies, the Eurovision Song Thing proved. It is also possible that adding a sombrero to increase the cultural misappropriation will make the junkies explode. Which makes it an experiment well worth trying!

 WEEK 3 

No Mr. Nice Guy
bullet This week marks the 70th anniversary of the Palestinian Holocaust, when they were displaced from their homes by Jews from Europe in one of the usual deals by the usual suspects.

bullet Q: What do you get when the US opens a new embassy for Israel in Jerusalem?
        A: A massacre of Palestinians with scores dead and hundreds wounded.

Information Categorization
bullet The Information Commissioner is concerned about the number of mug shots held by the police in their databank. Everyone who is hauled off to a police station, either under arrest or for some harassment, is snapped and the databank contains lots of pix of people who were not charged or had not actually committed an offence or got away with it by one means or another.
   Perhaps the IC's mind could be set at rest by reclassifying the images as being those of pre-guilty people—on the grounds that the cops can fit up absolutely anyone for something if they try hard enough.

Le Marin by P. Picassobullet Given the choice of having in your hot, sticky little hand $52 million or a slightly dinged picture of a sailor by P. Picasso (which is currently being repaired), any sensible person would pick the money. Luckily for the art trade, there are lots of people and institutions around with more money than sense.
[One could ask: where would you get another painting like it? But then, why would you want even the original in the first place? The Philistine called Ed.]

bullet Q: What is the main job of the Labour party?
        A: Creating new words which can be deplored as racist, 'gammon' being their latest effort. Maybe they should try harder?

Insidious Information
bullet Mad scientists have discovered a way of transferring the experience of being given an electric shock from shocked to unshocked sea slugs. No time scale for doing the same to humans on offer, but the technology could, one day, help the police to massage their crime figures by converting pre-guilty people into guilty ones with skilfully transplanted memories taken from their snouts.

He's still getting no marks for trying
bullet From:
Date: 15/05/2018 10:33
Subject: Hi
Hi 750 dollars i want,ok.
From country Nigeria,ok.
Hi i am a winner of The Irish/Espana lottery 2007 program
Have a good day,ok.
Paypal account holder:Alred Ademola

He's fooling you
bullet Kim Jong-whoever's tale that he is giving up his nukes is just flim-flam, sez a former deputy North Korean ambassodor to Britain, who defected in 2016. He reckons that the North Koreans will just move everything away from the earthquake-damaged current testing site and frustrate all attempts at inspection, as permitting scrutiny by the UN or whoever will smack of weakness on the part of the Blessed Leader.
update The North Koreans are preparing the ground for throwing a wobbly in case Chairman Kim chickens out of the planned meeting with President Trump. America will get the blame, of course, on account of some imaginary crime against the Universe.

What's his game?
International Rescue logobullet What prompted D. Milipede's return to Britain to save the EU from Brexit? Could it be that he was feeling a little out of it at the HQ of International Rescue? Which is miles from anywhere on Tracy Island in the middle of the Pacific ocean. Not many branches of CoffeeCreeps and MacDoodlebugs out there, and the locals are all too intelligent to fall for the boyish charm of a political schmoozer who's heading for sixty.
   Or maybe he's here to start a new political party for those Blairies who are feeling rejected by the commie Corbynites, the odd Tory Bremoaner and the Liberals who crave attention again. A British Union of Malconents, maybe?
   Vote BUM and get one!
   Who could resist that offer?

bullet Berko, the Squeaker of the House of Common Criminals, has been accused of bullying his staff into helping his allies to spread fake news to the meeja to the effect that Berko is not a bully. Another case of circular deployment of taxpayer's money by a Westminster Wonder.

0/10 for effort and inspiration
bullet A professor has marked the 200th anniversary of the publication of Mary Shelley's novel Frankenstein, or the Modern Prometheus with the startling (to him) revelation that the creature 'probably' was equipped with 'the machinery of manhood'.
   But if the good doctor was trying to create a lifeform out of a collection of spare parts, it is hardly likely that he would have hacked off the todger rather than leave it in place. After all, even a monster needs to have a pee occasionally.

Can't remember = Can't be bothered
bullet The experts have cracked the reason why Grumpy Oldie Syndrome overtakes seniors. It's all to do with the memory. One of the consequences of old age is that seniors tend to forget to pretend to be interested in people they find boring or inconsequential.

Was it a brainstorm?
bullet As a sound-bite, it fails completely. People stuff pockets, safes and bank vaults with gold. Not even the idiots who ran Carillion into the ground, or their obliging accountants, stuffed their mouth with it.
   What makes the sound-bite all the more incredible is that it has been attributed to Frank Field, who is one of the few MPs credited with having all of his marbles.

Far Queue symbol Where are all the Labour party's migrants going to live when Dotty Diane abolishes all controls on who can come here? Corbyn Concentration Camps in the leafy suburbs of Islington?

Was it another brainstorm?
bullet The Federal High Court in Germany has ruled that beer is unwholesome in compliance with the EU's rules on advertising alcohol. Which means that the Leutkircher brewery can no longer describe its product as bekömmlich. Grounds for a revolution, surely?

bullet Cornwall [no, not ours, a small city to the south-west of Ottawa] is being taken over by stray cats. The feline population is estimated at around 7,000 and the city council is contemplating a by-law, which would require people to keep their cats indoors — unless supervised! — so that the number of strays can be determined and the true extent of the problem determined.
   One idea for reducing the number of strays cosmetically is a ruling that anyone who feeds a stray cat automatically acquires responsibility for it.
   By the way: good luck with supervising your cats, chaps!

bullet Q: What do you get if you speak Spanish to the staff of a New York restaurant?
        A: Some guy threatening to report you to the Immigration Service as an illegal.

Armed and VERY dangerous
bullet The police are intent on closing the gap to the military, weaponswise. Specialist firearms officers are to be issued with rifles fitted with sound suppressors and night-vision equipment to make police snipers silent and deadly at night.
bulletThe chief constables' union would like to train officers in rural areas to use firearms in case they run into armed terrorists 'on the rampage' and it would take too long to get an armed response team to the scene.
update Their task is complicated by the response from the legal trade to a shooting. If it's a terrorist, that's okay. If it's a criminal, then the copper is liable to end up in the dock at the Old Bailey on a murder charge, surrounded by legal vultures who are watching their cash registers kerchinging on overtime.

Far Queue symbol What are the career prospects for a survivor of sexual harassment, like Prof. S. Sharoni of New England? Who spent several hours working on her script before throwing a wobbly about a remark made by Prof. R. Ledbow of King's College, London.
   Quite good, apparently, if a carefully timed explosion well after almost hearing an old joke in a crowded lift can be heard on both side of the Atlantic. And it's a good point of entry for moving on to the outrage and bullying industry.

Far Queue symbol Market research has found that the BBC has failed to overtake Russia Today as Britain's least politically impartial broadcaster. Only ITV and Channel 4 can claim to be politically impartial(ish).

bullet Nurses in NHS hospitals are having to be bribed to accept free flu jabs. Go figure.

Coming next month
bullet The Tottenham Jezzer Festival is expected to feature the Hugo Chavez Singers teamed up with the IRA Big Booze Band. The impromptu appearance of the Hezbollah motorcycle suicide squad is expected to go with a bang.
   A celebration bonfire will feature an effigy of the Prime Minister and it will light the way to a kinder, gentler style of politics, which will become possible when all the Tories have been killed and all of their assets have been stolen.

Plausible conspiracy theory?
bullet The MeeToo movement is a plot by slags to deprive women of their 'erotic capital'. The slags would like to make it illegal for other women to dress up and try to make the best of their looks, figuring that they might have a remote chance of getting a decent job (or a bit of adoration) if everyone else looks like something the cat dragged in.

bullet Are chickpeas really houmungous? Not if they're loaded up with oil, sugar and salt. Indeed, the fact that hummus is being blamed for the national obesity problem in Israel could just be the Arabs' revenge.

Far Queue symbol"Methinks he doth protest too much." That's the only possible response to Putin the Poisoner's increasingly pathetic cries of 'It wisnae me!' as S. Skripal is discharged from hospital after a murder attempt on the uncovered double agent failed.

Far Queue symbol The London mayor has attempted to reinforce his credentials as a miserable socialist git by letting Transport for London shut down public transport in large areas of the capital on Cup Final day.

bullet The Thames Valley police farce thinks confetti is a potential security risk, especially in Windsor. Presumably, they see it as a vehicle for one of Putin's poisons.
update Putin's latest whinge is that if he had tried to poison the Skripals, both of whom have now been discharged from hospital, they'd be dead. Except for the fact that the assassins bogging the job up so badly points the finger even more firmly at Russia.
bullet The Russian ambassodor is still agitating for access to both Skripals, presumably to do a recce of their secret hiding place so that the poisoners can have another go.
bulletMeanwhile, the CIA is investigating rumours that the Russians are planning to poison Chairman Kim to prevent a thawing of relations between North Korea and the United States. They will then try to dump the blame on Britain. Like they do.

Fake terrorism
bullet Suspicion is growing that the Remoaners are secretly recruiting mercenaries, using a grant from the EU, in order to stage fake IRA attacks if the Remoaners don't get their way over keeping Britain in all of the EU's institutions.

Far Queue symbol Berko, the Commons Squeaker, will not be quitting after 9 years, as he promised. He has been convinced that he is the perfect embodiment of the shameless, unreliable expenses swindling MP, and therefore completely representative of the inmates of the aptly nicknamed House of Common Criminals & Cover-Up Artistes.

80% short of half-measures
bullet That Donald Trump, what a big-hearted fellow he is. When he makes a threat, he doesn't go all the way. Thus President-for-life Kim is threatened only with total decimation if he doesn't do a nuclear weapons abandonment deal rather than total wipeout.

It's a good story.
Far Queue symbol Conspiracy theorists the world over will be uniting to condemn the French as rotten spoilsports. A gang of French experts was given access last year to the Hitlerania in the KBG/FSB archives in Russia, and they are certain that they found proof positive that Adolf Hitler died on 1945/04/30 in Berlin.
   So much for all the stuff about fleeing to Argentina in a submarine, or taking refuge at a secret base hidden somewhere in Antarctica or even being shot to the far side of the Moon.
   Or is it? Who knows what the Russians have been up to for the last 70-odd years with what they allege are Hitler's remains.

Far Queue symbol The good people of Windsor are getting themselves braced for the return of their collection of phoney beggars, who were cleared out of sight for the Royal Weeding.

Far Queue symbol It turns out that Irn Bru is banned – to avoid unshiftable yellow stains on expensive carpets – by lots and lots of high class businesses, not just by Donald Trump's hotel. But perish the thought that facts should get in the way of any Trump-bashing expedition!

Double feature
bullet The big advantage of not having a ticket for the Cup Final is that you can watch both of them on TV without having to travel hundreds of miles, and the toilets and catering facilities are very handy.
   Celtic played safe by banging a couple past Motherwell in the first half and giving them an impossible mountain to climb. Chelski teases the millions (and millions) of Man.U. Haters by scoring just the once in the first half and leaving Grumpy Jose's team tantalizingly close right up to the end of the second half and its 5 bonus minutes. Bunch of sadists!

 WEEK 5 


Below the line mission statement: We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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