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 2020/August 
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today's efforts

 

markerStop panicking!
The Bonk of England has been back to its abacus and concluded that the Chinese Plague Slump is just the worst slump for 100 years**, not the worst for 300 years. So we can all relax and resume our skiving @ home feeling a little less victimized.
   Cheerleaders for the Great Frost of 1708/09^^ are relieved that it has retained its status. This was when Europe froze, thousands died and Sweden's attempt to invade Russia went pear-shaped big time. It is also something that today's global warming fraudsters are unable to explain away.
[** World War I aftermath, Ed.]
[^^ On a purely local level, cheerleaders for the bursting of the South Sea Bubble in 1720 would give the Frosters an argument, Ed.]

bullet O.J. Corbynstein is in real trouble. The boy D. Milipede has got the hump with him over Corby's attempts to wreck Sir Kreepy Steamer's stewardship of the party which Milipede, D. deserted to be paid millions in the US charity sector.
reader comment“That Thunderbirds rip-off that's calling itself International Rescue, wasn't it?” Nightsly Alien

markerPots & Kettles, come away!
A Labour MP does a whinge about rachel profiling after being stopped 'n' copped, treated politely and allowed to proceed on her merry way.
   Natch, it doesn't occur to her that if her rachel group were to be responsible for a much lower proportion of crimes committed, the police might find her a tad less suspicious.

reader comment“The teachers 'working' in the public sector need to be told that if they clock in for work; as confirmed by a GPS report by a crApp on their phone; they'll be paid. If they don't, they won't. ” Gelly Covid

cross symbol The government is thinking of ditching issuing a daily death toll for the Chinese plague as the numbers are just a fudge-up and fairly meaningless.

markerA nuclear bomb detonating in Germany would instantly kill hundreds of thousands of people, Greenpeace reckons. Wow! Who'da thunk it?

cross symbol The long-suffering people of Canada are becoming overwhelmed by the vast increase in the number of activist and single-issue advocate groups, which have sprung up during the idle times imposed by the Chinese plague.

Far Queue symbol The veganists in Denmark, which gave the world Danish bacon, now reckon they are numerous enuff to take a shot at the parliament.

bullet Kent is in danger of disappearing under a mountain of garbage left behind by coachloads of trippers attending illegal cookouts in defiance of safe spacing regulations.

Far Queue symbol Sad geeks have been calculating how much of various Canadian port cities would be destroyed by a blast the size of the one in Beirut last week. The Devil certainly does find work for idle hands . . .

bullet Maoists are claiming that they have taken over Lewes in Sussex and turned the place into a hotbed of revolution—for some reason apparent only to them.

bullet According to the dictator in charge of White Russia, a Mr. Lukashmachineko, CoCO19 is just a psychosis. And he, of course, would know.


 WEEK 2      

 
bulletNo chance
The global warming fraudsters are not going to impress anyone with claims of a world record temperature recorded at Heathrow airport. It's a vast expanse of tarmac and concrete, all soaking up sunshine, so it's bound to get bloody hot.
   In fact, we'd be impressed only if it didn't get hot there.

markerThe lights have gone out—official
A think tank survey of the political affiliations of academics @ British universities has confirmed that the idea of academic freedom is now a myth. Anyone who doesn't support the Bremoan cause and every bit of looney left agitation and confection on offer is now careful to keep their trap shut to avoid cancellation.

bullet Locko & the Chinese plague are getting the blame for a surge in short-sightedness cause by people gawping at screens far too much to relieve bordom.

bullet Israel is denying having anything to do with the explosion of the warehouse in Lebanon containing 3,000 tons of ammonium nitrate, which turned a port into a scrapyard and wiped out a large part of Beirut.

bullet Local authorities are being given powers to let them close public buildings, crush cars and bulldoze homes contaminated with the Chinese plague. Which should do a wonderful job of spreading it far & wide.

Far Queue symbol Sir Kreepy Steamer has given President Boris a month of fix the national test 'n' trace system or he will inflict a long, bleak winter of misery on the country.

Far Queue symbol The teaching unions are sending their dimmest representatives to official briefing sessions on reopening schools. And when the twits are unable to explain what they were told, the union bosses immediately start howling for clarification.

markerHalf a mile wide . . .
The customers @ a church in Dorset are up in arms about a plan to rip out the double row of Victorian pews, which are too close together to let enormously fat bride- and groomzillas process up the aisle. The alternative is to replace pews with chairs, which can be scrunched closer together sideways to make room for a giants' wedding.

Far Queue symbol London's cosmetic mayor, Sadgeek K'han't, is planning to cut police funding by £110 MILLION to create job opportunities for the city's criminal community. And he's raising cash by imposing the Congestion Charge on minicabs, which were previously exempt, which has upset the local BLAME community, which has a headlock on the job.

Far Queue symbol Staff at a McDonuts branch in Aldershot are under the impression that face masks should be battered & deep-fried, and served up with chicken nuggets—to the startlement of customers.

Far Queue symbol The organizers of a film festival in Portland, Oregon, have cancelled Kindergarten Cop, an Arnold Schwarzenberger epic, as part of an agenda to exclude everything which shows police officers in a good light.

markerNot bloody listening
The locko Xperience is that the public will ignore advice and behave sensibly & with restraint only if they are @ some risk of being fined hundreds or thousands of pounds.

Kerching!The trade unions are refusing to cough up the millions the Labour party needs to pay compenbloodysation to targets of the Corbynista anti-Semitism campaign. Looks like Sir Kreepy is going to have to get his wallet out to fund what is being jeered at as his right-wing, pro-Semitism position.

Just hold your horses there
reader comment“Do we really want Mahatmacoat on a 50p coin? Of course, not. He's not British and what Xactly has he done for modern British society recently? How can an influence which supporters claim is HUGE be so invisible?
   “Mr. Ghandi was all about grabbing all the benefits brought by the British whilst hustling them out of his country. Putting him on banknotes in India would be a better idea as he was all about them and not about us.” Ludicro Inaudibile

Far Queue symbol Xtinction Matters—if it's not one bunch of confectors, it's another.

“And jackboots for all” or Nothing like going for a nice stroll on a sunny day . . .
Funny how they all look exactly the same in a bunch, no matter what the style of the uniform; or lack of it.

Bad news for the doom-mongers who keep proclaiming that more people have died of the Chinese plague here than in the rest of the world lumped together.
   The Health Sec. has told the bean counters to go back to their numbers on deaths from the Chinese plague and eliminate all cases where someone recovered from the plague but died of another cause, or was never tested before or after death and proven to have had the plague.

reader comment“The government's alleged Xperts threatenging to shut the nation's pubs to get schools reopened is a strangely familiar plot twist. It's like a bad guy pointing a gun at the head of a handy child and telling the cops: "Back off or the kid gets it." Only in this case, skiving teachers and their obstructive union are being told: "Get back to work or the pubs get it!"” Grail Mothra
reader comment“That shutting the pubs—is it to get under-age drinkers out of them and back to school?” Slurp McGurp

bulletGallic bloodymindedness
The testing teams for the Chinese plague in France have downed tools. Why? Becoz they're off on their summer holidays. Typical bloody French!

wild gooseberry!Far Queue symbol Greenhouse Grotter is back with another whinge. Everyone else mistreating the planet has cause the Chinese plague, which has severely disrupted her education.
reader comment“Strange that knowing she is in a state of ignorance hasn't stopped her from telling everyone else where they're going wrong.” Occasional Bling

Kerching!The BBC is gearing up to spend as many millions as it weasels out of the over-75s on attempts to Xtract a licence fee from non-payers as a principle is involved and it's only other people's money that's involved.

tick symbol The ban on booze @ football grounds, imposed 35 years ago, could be lifted to get customer back through the turnstiles. One big difference would be a requirement that customers must enjoy their drinkies in their seat to avoid having congested drinking areas on concourses.

reader comment“When did a commitment to take allegations of misconduct 'seriously' become a blanket guarantee that any and all accusations have to be treated as 'credible & true', and not requiring investigation or anything resembling proof? Oh, brave new world indeed!” Grosse Phibb
reader comment“Out of the same box is the notion that all Afrons are permanent victims and entitled to indulge in as much criminality as they like without interference by the police. And they are also entitled to carry the biggest knife they can manage and use it on as many people as they like. An even braver new world.” Hasmet Hours

bullet Nine Years to get a public inquiry started in Scotland with Wee Burney's SNP in charge? Not even close to any type of justice.

marker‘Not me, Gov’ in spades
The Putinocrats are claiming that their hacking attempts on British institutions are just fair retaliation for the millions of cyber-assaults launched on them from the UK, and they have no interest in British politics what so ever. And that's not just sour grapes for failing to get O.J. Corbynstein elected last December and failing to keep the UK in the poisoned embrace of the EbloodyU.

markerWorking from home is fine for some people. Skiving @ home, like civil servants & teachers, ain't.

reader comment“Why has the Bastard Broadchasing Company composed a 10-page letter to send to over-75s demanding a licence fee? A PC with the message 'give us the fuck'n dosh' sums up what is required very concisely.” Winkler Clodge
reader comment“With the message in BIG TYPE in case the old dear has lost his/her/its specs?” Evul Grinn

cross symbol Today's Mystery: What was the point of sewing wild oats when the craft was invented? Wouldn't tame ones be more likely to stand still and put up with it?

bulletQ: If you're in charge of Scotland Yard's drug strategy and sacking coppers who are a disgrace, what should you try to avoid?
bulletA: Being busted yourself and suspended for drug abuse.

cross symbol We might have a different squeaker ruling the Commons from Bollocks to Berko but the new guy shares the common urge to splash around taxpayers' cash on his grace & favour accommodation.

tick symbol Radical idea, radical idea!
Pay only teachers who turn up for work.

bulletQ: If you're planning to propose to your fiancée, what should you avoid?
bulletA: Setting fire to your flat by filling it with stupid little mini-candles and going out after lighting all of them.

Far Queue symbol Some head teachers think keeping schools open only until lunchtime meets the government's requirement to get them all open again in September. What planet are they from?

Far Queue symbol How long will it be before some newspaper editor confects a link between the exiled King Carlos and the late J. Epsteen? Place your bets now!

bulletQ: What's a good way to upset IRA bod G. Addams?
bulletA: Publish a book claiming he was an MI5 informer.

marker Tens of thousands of pensioners are conspiring to clog up the court system by refusing to buy a TV licence and defy the Beeb to prosecute them.

bullet More Xperts heard from: Face masks are causing an explosion of gum disease and tooth decay, some dentists are claiming. Which is very comforting news for the customers, who can't get an appointment with a dentist for love nor money.

bullet Angelica Mherkel is outraged at being trumped by New Zealand's president in the competition to be declared the world's most eloquent leader. Boris Johnson and Donald Trump, being English-speaking men, don't get a look-in.

bulletNothing changes
White Russia is in uproar. The streets are full of protesters demanding an end to the Soviet putinocracy, which has been lingering for three decades. And the leader of the opposition, who is claiming that the presidential election at the weekend just gone was a festival of fraud, is 'missing'.
[How very Chinese, Ed.]
updateShe's in Lithuania with her family, seeking a place of safety and an end to the uproar, which has claimed at least one life.
bullet President-for-life (or as long as the elections can be rigged) A. Lukashmachineko considers the supporters of the Opposition to be sheep and foreign-controlled actors.
reader comment“But not as good as Russian ones, obviously, if the Putinocracy is paying to keep him in place.” Frank Solstice

markerSnot me, it were them
O.J. Corbynski has announced his take on why Labour failed to win the 2017 general election, in which TheRazor May casually tossed away her majority. Top Labour party officers sabotaged O.J.'s campaign coz they preferred a Labour loss to a win by him. And the Russian actors assigned to Labour were bloody useless.

reader comment“That explosion in Beirut underlines the perils of leaving public safety in the hands of judges. They ordered the ammonium nitrate to be locked up and then lost interest in it. They think they know everything and nothing is ever their fault.” Fawkes Steinsteen

Flim on Flam
The banks were following their crystal-ball science of forecasting in 2008 when they fell into the Brown Hole of the financial crash. The Hockey Team were following their dodgy mathematical model when they predicted that global temperatures would skyrocket in the early years of the 21st century instead of levelling off.
   The government's Xperts & epidemiologists are doing the same sort of crystal-balling with their predictions about what the Chinese plague will do, which is why following their science has been rather less than successful.
   Xperts in uncharted territory are as lost as everyone else.
writer comment“An xpert used to be someone who knows more and more about less and less. These days, an Xpert is someone who knows nothing relevant about the crisis about which he/she is advising the government of the day.” P.H.T.

bulletQ: Where are okay things made?
bulletA: In a satisfactory.

bullet Pensioners of 75 and older have joined the ranks of trannies after being put in transition to becoming licence payers by the Bastard Bollocks Company.
reader comment“As trannies, does that mean they have the consolation of being able to troll people mercilessly on auntie-social meeja?” C. Onfecto Outtake

marker An open-air darts international between Scotland and England to be held in an inflatable arena? Sounds like a recipe for disaster if the arrers go astray!

wild gooseberry!Trends of Today: The Corpse Count
Listing in great detail how many slaves, small children, workers, etc. were killed and/or exploited to construct every building and institution on The Planet.
   Make-work for the confectors, great amounts of business for the firms manufacturing the weepy signs.

reader comment“If the government is planning to repurpose 5 prisons for housing illegal immigrants, what is it planning to do with the current customers? Give them a free pardon & a free face mask and unleash them on the community?” Mans Praeding

bullet The locko defying Swedes reckon they are close to achieving herd immunity from the Chinese plague.

marker 28,964 passengers observed not to be wearing a face mask by British Transport police over two weeks in July, 20% told to get off the train, just 33 fines issued.
   Kerclunk rather than Kerching.

bullet Still not one single case anywhere in the world of a school pupil giving the plague to a teacher, sez the Xpert counting these beans.

Far Queue symbol All Viking museums in the world will be obliged to close because Vikings indulged in slavery as well as piracy, rape, looting & arson.

bullet Being a meeja tycoon is no defence against being arrested in Hong Kong on a trumped-up charge these days.


 WEEK 1      

 
If you're feeling a bit cheerful, stop it right away! The Xperts are now telling us that human civilization will collapse due to deforestation in 2-4 decades, despite all the tree-planting going on here.
   Which means that if the Chinese plague doesn't get you, there's nothing to look forward to anyway.

Start your day with a scam . . .

TV Licensing scam

bullet 80% of the population still manage to cope without a personal assistant tin can. This percentage is expected to rise dramatically when poverty in the wake of the Chinese plague trims the amount of surplus cash in circulation for frivolities.

bulletQ: How do you upset the police and local council for Richmond, South London?
bulletA: Employ private security guards to harass the yobs who have invaded the area during locko and shown up the police and council as a waste of money and space.
bullet There is no police station in Richmond; hasn't been one for years. And the nearest one; Twickenham; is currently closed. Local residents are still expected to pay council tax for non-existent policing, though.

Smiling faces, rubbed hands
bullet Good news for pension companies. They stand to make £98 BILLION out of the premature deaths cause directly and indirectly by the Chinese plague.
bullet A quickly developed and effective vaccine would be a major disaster for the industry.

Far Queue symbol Whoop 1 Goldbrick has been cancelled for being excessively entitled.

bulletQ: Why do doctors put the Chinese plague on a death cerficate even if the customer died of something else, such as heart failure due to old age?
bulletA: Because it saves the trouble and expense of a post mortem examination.

markerWhat is the Greater Manchester Spatial Framework? It sounds like a sinister plan to move Romiley to outer space. Don't let the bastards get away with it!

bullet Wearing plastic gloves is no protection against the Chinese plague, the Xperts reckon, and can give a false sense of security.

bulletQ: What's a good way to shed the reality TV person you're married to?
bulletA: Run for president of the United States, even tho' you have nilzero chance of winning.

bulletQ: Most pathetic piece of anti-vaccine propaganda on offer?
bulletA: Bill Gates wants to put tracking chips into doses of a CoCO19 vaccine and that's why he's supporting the research.
reader comment“Obviously confected by a looney who wants to feel important enuff to imagine Mr. Gates wants to know where he/she/it is at all times?” Kerr Chhing
[Good idea if it's a looney with a gun. Ed.]
reader comment“Given how wide the tech conspiracy has spread around the planet; MicroSoft, Gooble, Apple, etc.; what makes the loonies think that the tech hierarchy doesn't know Xactly where they are and what they're doing at all times?” Maxx Pandemic

bullet Relax locko in London and what happens? The guys with guns start shooting people again and the boy racers come out in Kensington.

markerSinging: “Who’s the bastard, who’s the bastard in the black?”
One-nil to Chelski after 5 minutes of the first Cup Final played with an invisible crowd. [So what was all that crap in the background of the TV broadcast? Ed.] Stop for drinkies after 21 minutes. Cheers! (Fuck'n wimps!)
   Artificial boos for a goal disallowed for offside? What BS. Chelski wrestling gave Ars a penalty, 1-all in the 28th minute. Hard to bear, nowhere near for Ars from a free kick just before half time and more drinkies.
   One in the car park by Ars after 57 minutes. Same by Chelski 5 minutes later. In the net by Ars after 67 minutes. 2-1, cue drinkies. Chelski were down to 10 men after 74 minutes thanks to a second yellow card for a nothing foul. A card for the manager for daring to point out that the ref was a complete a tosser?
   Afterthought: What a bunch of wimpywanky crap actors footballers are and maybe the match had to be held behind closed doors to prevent the crowd from lynching them for their dying swan acts.

markerA good place to catch the Chinese plague in Switzerland is somewhere like a bar, a nightclub or a restaurant. If you would rather have heatstroke, head for Italy, where things are sweltering.

bulletQ: Why did Russia boycott the LA Olympics in 1984?
bulletA: Not because the US didn't go to the Moscow Olympics over the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. No, it was because Sovyetskiy athletes were so full of drugs, they rattled and/or sloshed when they moved about and the Russkies didn't want to be banned for serial doping. As they are now.
   [See the conspiracy theory that the Russians are behind the Chinese plague to postpone the Tokio Olympics until they can buy, blag or blackmail their way back into contention. Ed.]

bullet The reason for the high o'besity rate in the UK being so HUGE, the Xperts have concluded, is that there are so many fatties around that people feel left out if they don't look like them.

markerThought process
If you can read the phrase 'silver surfer' and start thinking about big waves and nutters on surfboards getting wiped out by them rather than the internet, there is still hope for you.

bulletQ: What's the daftest idea imaginable?
bulletA: Putting a piece of a Martian rock, which was knocked off the Red Planet and landed on Earth as a meteorite, on a NASA rover sent to Mars to repatriate it [as an illegal immigrant? Ed.] has to be well up the looney list.

Far Queue symbol The Bride of Daesh S. Begum remains 'not wanted on voyage' whilst the Supreme Court chews over letting her crawl back here. Not something guaranteed to inspire confidence in the British taxpayer and her potential victims in the UK.

Who ya gonna sue?
bulletQ: If men belonging to ethnic minorities are twice as likely to collect a fine for breaking locko rules, what does that prove?
1. That the police pick on ethnics?
2. That ethnics break locko rules twice as often as whites?
bulletQ: If Afrons are more likely to come to a bad end in police custody than whites, what does that prove?
1. That the police pick on ethnics?
2. That Afrons are more likely to turn violent when someone is trying to restrain them?
bulletA: Depends whether you're trying to confect ethnic bias or doing an objective study of behaviour across different cultures.

bullet None-masked passengers on public transport harassed by police =28,964.
bulletNumber fined £100 = 13.

bullet The upsurge in cases of the Chinese plague has been explained by the fact that less than half of the people in Britain are safe spacing, and less than a third are doing it with family & friends.

markerWe had the technology
Around 45 years ago, NASA stopped fishing astronauts out of the ocean when they returned from space and started launching them to near-Earth orbit in a reuseable shuttle & bringing them back to an air force base on dry land.
   Now, SpaceX has reinvented the old technology and returners from the ISS are ending up in the drink again. Sounds like a lot more development and engineering is needed before the US can think of heading for the Moon and Mars.
reader comment“Poor blokes, evicted from the safety & security of the ISS and made to live on a plague planet!” Noah Chance
writer comment“Bods back on the Moon by 2024? To do what?” A.L.M.

tick symbol Just when everyone was going to sleep as the procession unwound @ Silverstone, Formula One unveiled its new tactic for the rest of the season. Dodgy tyres to make the teams unsure of how long a set will last and shake things up with precautionary pit stops for a new set.

markerHomecation? Great idea!
Going abroad on holiday doesn't seem such a brilliant idea after you've read a story about some guy being attacked by a shark off the Australian coast and another having his arm chewed by a lion in Tanzania.

markerbulletQ: CBD oil—what's that and is it worth buying it on the cheap?
bulletA: As the product is the active ingredient in cannabis sativa, the initials stand for Causes Brain Damage and scoffing it is probably not a brilliant idea.

markerWas it worth the effort?
Isn't it great when you knock pix out at the rate of 5 per week for 6 weeks and one of them is flogged for $5 million? In the case of former Bradforder D. Hockney, who has smoked his way to safety from the Chinese plague, it might have been even greater if it had happened 40 years ago and he'd had a slice of the action.

bullet Quarantine 14, 10, 9 or 8 days? Place your bets!

markerBrilliant if obvious
A Treasury honcho wants to plaster prefab houses all over the place to help out the people who work from home. Typical of a politician not to see that the obvious solution is to convert high street and city centre offices into homes for the staff who want to work there.

Far Queue symbol The alleged collapse of the health service in Hong Kong is being seen as an excuse for the regime to move inconvenient people to hospitals in the rest of China and thence to oblivion.

bullet Not Really news: Can the identities of Mhegan's poisonous posse be kept secret? And is pleading for secrecy just more attention-seeking?

bulletQ: Pubs closed to allow schools to open? What's that about?
bulletA: Teachers are hiding in pubs instead of going to work and need to be smoked out.

markerbullet It is pretty much a hanging offence to notice that the habits and customs of some ethnic minorities encourage the spread of the Chinese plague, which has to be treated as an equal opportunities disease, even if it isn't.

bulletQ: What's a good way to get in to the House of Frauds?
bulletA: Be President Boris's brother. A simple case of BoJo's your bro!

markerAn over-75 pensioner has come up with an interesting way to blag free board & lodging, free meals and free TV—not pay her TV licence fee and be sent to gaol.

markerNo, no, bloody no!
We are assured that spacecraft will be launched from a site in the British Isles within the next few years. Not if the nation's Nimbys have anything to do with it. There is bound to be a gang of them yelling about their 'uman bluddy rights being violated when a site for the first spaceport is picked.

bullet Government rithmetic: Spending £2,000 MILLION on getting customers onto exercise bikes to save the NHS £100 MILLION.

markerWonks in action
The residents of St. Johns, Michigan, are unable to tell a Norwegian flag from a Confederate one, with the result that the operators of the Nordic Pineapple bed & breakfast joint there were trolled with hate emails when they put a Norwegian flag on display at the entrance to announce their Nordic heritage.

markerbulletQ: Is it a criminal offence for a millionaire farmer to repatriate £25K of the British ransom to the EbloodyU as a farming subsidy?
bulletA: No, it's a Good Thing, and attempting to sleaze the entrepreneur with innuendo is unBritish, even if his brother is a government minister.

bullet Tip of the Day: Buy a baseball bat and swing it around to impose Stone Cold Distancing on anyone who gets too close.

markerCollapse of sanity
The government has created a migration points system which makes 660 MILLION people eligible for a visa to come here. Crumbs! Where is President Boris going to put this gang and how much arm-twisting will be needed to get the Xperts to agree to endorse safe spacing of three inches?

markerFar Queue symbol The wonks of the Office for Statistics Regulation are under the impression that politicians are not allowed to pick and mix the statistics they find useful. Where do they find These People?

marker Someone is hanging on to round pounds worth £120 MILLION. They can still be deposited @ most big banks but good luck with finding one with open branches.

bullet The Scold's Bridle will soon be available on the NHS. Not to prevent vicious wimmin from slagging people off but to be padlocked on to the heads of obese people to stop them from scoffing.

bulletAll change
Free speech in the United States is officially history. Any journalist who doesn't agree with Those People, and dares to admit it, is sacked and trolled & socially murdered into o'blivion.
   Oh, brave new world . . .

Far Queue symbol Those people are trying to ban every instance of the name Rhodes, even if it has no connection with the national benefactor Cecil. Wot next?

marker Xperts in Holland have convinced themselves that face masks damage the fight against the Chinese plague. The face mask industry is aghast.

markerDon’t tell us; we don’t want to kno
Surprise! Only 45% of the British nation knowing what the current locko rules are is not due to a failure to communicate by the government, as Sir Kreepy and his stooges like Captain Underpants would have us believe.
   The customers know it all and they just aren't listening any more. Because customers tend to have a gnat's attention span and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

Far Queue symbol Surprise! Wee Burney is telling porkies about the Scottish rate of infection with the Chinese plague, the UK Statistics Authority almost managed to mumble.

bulletQ: What's a good way for a footballer who's feeling shagged out to get a red card?
bulletA: Coughing on the ref or a member of the other side works a treat.

bullet Today's Conspiracy Theory:The coronavirus plague was imported into Britain by the BBC to kill off everyone of 75 and older to remove a source of embarrassment over the decision by the waxworks in charge to cancel a free TV licence for 75s and over.

Cycle of Outrage
reader comment“People who get bent out of shape over what went on in the past are idiots. Without a time machine, and if they're not running a communist regime, there's nothing they can do to change or rewrite past events.
   “And they can be assured that anyone looking back on them from the same interval in the future will find the conduct of the idiots just as contemptible as the targets in the past of extended rants by today's idiots.
   “But, being idiots, today's idiots won't realize that. And the ones out for a free ride because someone with the same skin colour had a tough time centuries ago are in urgent need of cancellation.” Jonth Pollcan

markerSocial con-trick
Who is going to want to live in Portland & Seattle if the criminal communities there succeed in getting the police departments disbanded? And how are the criminal communities going to survive if all their customers leave?
   Typical bloody criminals, not thinking things through.
reader comment“Any of them asked what they can do for their country recently? Thought not. JFK who?” Urbane Legend

bulletQ: What's a good thing to avoid when you set fire to your car, planning to tell your insurance company it was stolen?
bulletA: Also burning down 673 hectares of protected jungle in Brazil.

bullet Violent crime is back to pre-lockdown levels as criminals go on the rampage again.

bullet Good news! The Xperts have decided that people using public transport are NOT a major source of spreading the plague; as long as masks are worn and safe spacing is observed.

bulletQ: What can you be sure of if you bomb the Boston Marathon and kill people?
bulletA: That a gang of judges will cancel your well deserved death sentence.

markerFaint praise indeed
Calling the late John Hume the Nelson Mandela of Northern Ireland is a pretty left-handed compliment when you think of the antics the gaoled communist terrorist Mandela, his associates and his family got up to.

Far Queue symbol China is willing to be friends with the UK as long as everything is done on their terms. Who do they think they are? The EbloodyU?
reader comment“China has banned pro-independence campaigning in Hong Kong. Can you imagine how loud the BANG! from Wee Burney would be if President Boris did the same here?” Slurp McGurp

markerDifferent but not better
The NHS of the future will embrace the call centre culture, the Xperts reckon. All contact with doctors will be by phone or videolink, which means that the doctor could be anywhere; even on the Moon or maybe even an AI computer program; and face-to-face meetings will take place only in the private sector if enuff cash changes hands.

bulletQ: What constitutes a really vexatious piece of litigation?
bulletA: Hauling an ex-husband into court on charges of causing actual bodiddly harm and wounding with intent for letting a 17-year-old daughter get an ankle tattoo.

markerJust not bloody trying
The current French Xcuse for letting illegals boat across the Channel to England is that the infiltrators threaten to chuck themselves into the sea. The reply to that should be a Gallic shrug and an invitation to, "Go on, then." But the French always were an awkward bunch.

bullet If schools are allowed to reopen, everyone in the country will get the Chinese plague, some Xperts are claiming now.
reader comment“Quarantine used to be 40 days; hence the name. Then it became a fortnight, 10 days, 8 days, 5 days. How long before it's no days and if they croak, they croak?” Cashier Nadal

arrowhead cowboy zombiemarkerRed Lives . . . mutter, mutter
The Hollywood film industry is facing a major CGI campaign to 'revisualize' all Western genre films to remove all slights to Earlier Immigrants to the US territories.
   Injuns who were wiped out will have to be reimaged to show just a small bruise instead of a fatal bullet wound and all cowboys will be reimaged as white, oppressing, nasty-bastard zombies.
reader comment“Wot, even John The Duke Wayne? Crumbs!” Bjor Fhield

bullet Is President Boris planning to lock down London just to upset the cosmetic mayor, Sadgeek K'han't? It would certainly be good for a laugh.

markerMe, Me, Me!
A writer bloke is demanding that Britain's theatres be allowed to open this month. Why? So he can stage a monologe about the rotten time he had with the Chinese plague and blame President Boris for it. Nothing like a healthy dose of self-interest as a motivator.

cross symbol You're getting really desperate for an anti-Brexit story if you start telling people that migrants are busting a gut to get across the Channel before Brexit is finalized. Like that will make any difference.

bulletQ: The SAS do a good job of taking out Talibandits in Afghanistan. What do the BGs' supporters do?
bulletA: Confect a story about a gang of rogue soldiers executing more innocent civilians than you can shake a stick @.
reader comment“Cue the grasping hands demanding cash and law firms trawling for customers.” Dred McGram

The show must go on
stakeholder Denmark to host the first three stages of the Tour de France? But not until 2022 instead of next year. What's on for 2023? A visit to Russia, or China? Or maybe even somewhere in South America? Why not!
   This year's event; entirely in France; has been put back 2 months to the end of this month. Something that most people will be unaware of is that the organizers are so worried about the threat from European vampires, that they have appointed a team of stakeholders to provide extra security.
   It is expected that the stakeholders will also leap into action if crowd numbers exceed the permitted limit of 5,000. People who refuse to wear a face mask will also become targets for staking. Snipers in helicopters will be used to take out spectators who run onto the road and attempt to maul the competitors.

reader comment“If the Washington Namelesses have players of multiple rachel origins; black, brown, white and yellow, they could be called the Washington 4Skins.” Vregas Chir
writer comment“If any Earlier Immigrants risked cancellation and joined the NFL, adding red to the mix, the team could become the Washington 5Skins. Which scores more points for inclusivity.” J.A.G.
reader comment“But not until after all the 4Skins merchandise has been sold so that everyone will have to buy 5Skins stuff to catch up.” Gorrie Zontal

Modern Jobs of Our Time No. 37: Clocker-inner
markerThe job involves camping @ the front entrance of a civil service department with a staff of around 2,000 and clicker-counting the handful of bods who turn up for work on behalf of a national newspaper running a shaming campaign.
   Type of work: undemanding
   Biggest drawback: boredom

bulletQ: If you're a Putinocrat of the financial persuasion on the run from gaol in the UK, where's a good place to hide out?
bulletA: A chateau near Nice would work.

Knee of GraceTortured concept
Is having to pay the BBC for a TV licence really going to drive millions of pensioners into abject poverty, as we are invited to believe? Will they really choose not to eat and not to use energy for heating for the sake of being able to consume the crap on TV these days? Sounds like a very over-egged pudding.
reader comment“But it makes the problem self-solving. All impoverished telly addicts will starve and/or freeze to death and no longer be an embarrassment to the Bullshit 'n' Bastards Company.” Raison Deathtrap

cross symbol Daring to notice that minorities ignore locko rules; as shown by plague surges in their areas; is a hanging offence. Sez who? The people after their votes. Surprise!

bulletQ: If you're a conman, what's a good way to avoid being sent to gaol when rumbled?
bulletA: Chomp your way to 28 stones and beyond the capability of the prison service to handle you.

wild gooseberry!reader comment“The health system in Britain seems to have gone back in time by 70 or so years and the message to the customers is back to 'don't get sick and don't get old'. Oh, brave new world . . .” Polla Minto

cross symbol+ + + Xperts declare Chinese plague a failure + + + human overpopulation crisis goes on + + + plague kills only 2% of its customers + + +

bulletSafety first
The reason why the NHS track 'n' trace system doesn't work is that people are refusing to take calls from 0300 numbers they don't recognize in case it's a cold call from someone trying to sell them dodgy cavity wall insulation or a similar domestic disaster.

markerNorth Korea is doing a pretty good job of confusing the rest of the world by claiming that the country is free of the Chinese plague and yet locking down large parts of it.


Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, August MM20 like anyone cares