Notice: From this month on, the government has ordered all websites to treat visitors as if they are children. Thus if we treat you like ignorant, stroppy teenage Grotters, it's nothing to do with President Boris (or us) and all to do with the waxworks of the civil service who come up with these regulations.
Please take note of this warning and conduct yourself accordingly.
Thanks be to the Nigelwe’re out!
The Romiley Brexit fireworks display was a great success. And bunging the Berko on the Brexit Bonfire proved very popular.
We'll probably do it again next year.
“Pardon me for not noticing the moment of Brexitwell, the start of the transition to exit. I was watching a crap film on TV at the time.” M.K.
Democracy has won a rare victory over Europeonism
It's happening! We're a bunch of trannies. We're transitioning out of the death grip of the EbloodyU and there's nothing the Bremoaners can do to stop it legally. [Not that they won't try. Ed.] Na-na naa naaah, hey, hey, hey, goo-ood-bye!
Q: How much does a free Brexit tea towel cost?
A: If you get it from the Daily Mail, £2.50.
Ofgem, the alleged regulator, stands accused of letting power companies overcharge their customers by £800 MILLION since 2012. Bloody waxworks.
Now is the time for all oldies to stock up on black tea, e.g. PG tips, before it is driven into Xtinction by the current racialist fad for herbal concoctions, which bear little resemblance to proper tea.
“You're fired but we’re cool about it.”
Good news for the BBC waxworks on 6-figure salaries! They will not be involved in the cull of bodies in the name of cosmetic cost-cutting. Only the little people will go. Especially if they don't have a non-job with a silly name.
The 85-year-old previous Lord Lucan (vanished in 1974 after blotting escutcheon) has been spotted again for the umpteenth time, in Australia this time. Or not.
“Is the nation going to unite in joy on May 8th, the 75th anniversary of VE Day? It's as unlikely as everyone in England uniting in a 'We hate Normans' day on October 14th, the anniversary of the battle @ Hastings in 1066.
“Like the Norman adventure, World War II is now history and should be left to moulder quietly in a cupboard with the rest of our past, glorious and inglorious.” A.T.G.
Q: What can you say when you're caught in the act of battering a document display case with a hammer to try to steal a copy of the Magna Carta from Salisbury Cathedral?
A: I thought it was a fake.
[Didn't do any good. Ed.]
It's official! The new Squeaker of the House of Common Criminals has banned the Berko Bullying Culture.
Greenhouse Grotter is trying to trademark her name to stop anyone else from cashing in on her personal brand of teenage angst.
Quick, help us to cash in while we can!! Only £27.30 each!!
Get them from Romiley Grotter Exploitation, 43b Riverside Drive
“How naive of the serial Bremoaners to vow to have nothing to do with the Brexit 50p coin. No one, even the dimmest of the rest of us, believes that they ever put a hand in their pocket to spend their own money. Not when there are taxpayers and stooges to sponge off.” S.J.
Nothing even remotely resembling joined-up thinking
A gang of evacuees from China's virus zone arrives @ an RAF station on a chartered jet to be ushered by aliens in spacesuits to coaches. They are driven from Brize Norton in Oxfordshire to a hospital in Wirral. Some of them by a bloke with a big tattoo on his left forearm.
How do we know about the tattoo? Because he wasn't wearing a spacesuit, like the medical escorts, and he had his sleeves rolled up. Instead of getting a spacesuit, the coach drivers were offered a fortnight's paid self-isolation at home. Weird.
Public sector managers are from another planet.
Britain's bank robbing community has declared an equipment emergency. Non-criminals are buying up face masks faster than they can be manufactured, putting the livelihoods of some of the criminal community at risk.
WARNING! Cloth face masks are inferior to surgical ones for filtering out airborne particles. In fact, they are pretty useless for anything other than hiding the face.
Has to do far better
The Corbynski Continuity Candidate in the Labour leadership show is going to have to become a more convincing liar if she hopes to get anywhere. Every big lie she tells is being shot full of holes effortlessly. Same with the medium and small ones.
Boris Thinks BIG! WahWey and H2S big.
Greater Manchester is among the police farces which have replaced traffic cops by speed cameras for the purpose of raising max. revenue from fines.
The Republicans in the US Senate have grotted over a Democrap attempt to keep their Trump Impeachement Pantomime going until the eve of the next presidential election in November. Oh, dear, how sad, never mind.
Losers do what losers do.
+ + + Big American Crunch jamboree on first Sunday of Month in Miami + + + Home team not involved + + + Team which hadn't won a Super Bowl for 50 years beat team which hadn't won one for 25 years + + + Absence makes the will to win stronger + + +
“The question needs to be askedwhat is God doing whilst 'uman beans are allegedly wrecking her planet? Having a tea break?” S.L.
“The Criminal Offence of the Year for 2020 has to be being Chinese in a public place.” J.P.
Book of the Month: No One Is Too Small To Make A Nuisance Of Herself by Greenhouse Grotter.
Non-Book of the Month: I Hate Everyone, So There by Bollocks to Berko.
There's a cheese-themed hotel nowin London, where else. Wot next?
Q: What do you wear with a pair of jeans with holey knees?
A: How about a two-grand designer jacket with its sleeves torn off by hand by an artisan tailor? Suits you, sir!
“What exactly is wrong with the president of the United States asking the president of Ukraine to find out what the Biden billionaire and his family are up to in Ukraine? Apart from nothing.” W.C.
Why did THEY let some Islamist nutter out of prison to attack people in a London street? Because THEY are incapable of recognizing a homicidal lump of human crap when confronted by one? Or because the laws of the land and the people who administer them in the courts are inadequate? Pick a side.
Face to face; but with whom?
A small gang of inventive criminals used Skype and a silicone mask of a French minister to chat up the rich and famous and seek to extract cash from them. Of 150 potential mugs, three of them coughed up millions to fund a secret operation, expecting to be repaid by the French state and receive its gratitude. The gang of 7 was busted before it could re-jig the scam using a mask of Prince Albert II of Monaco.
Super Duper in Miami
Was that Demi Lobotomy who did the American national anthem with some superfluous flourishes? Then we got the Kansas City Chiefs, who haven't won for 50 years playing the San Francisco 49ers, who haven't won for just 25 years.
KC were 3 and gone. The 9ers opened with a field goal, 3-0. KC reached 4th & 1 at the SF 5, made it to the 1, TF for Mahomes, 3-7 in the last minute of the first quarter. SF were stopped by a pick after a minute of Q2.
The Chiefs kicked a FG in the 6th minute, 3-10. A TD for Jackson after 10 minutes made it 10-all. KC punted with a minute left and the half fizzled out. Cue an eternity of messing about on the field.
A FG in the 6th minute of Q3 put SF 13-10 ahead. KC were stopped by a pick in the 10th minute. On to a TD in the 13th minute for SF and 20-10. The 9ers did nothing with another pick 3 minutes in to Q4. 9 minutes to go when KC restarted. DPI in the end zone got them to the SF 1. TD for Kelce (who else?), 20-17, 6 minutes to go.
If this were the CFL, someone would be saying 'no lead is safe' and everyone else would be nodding wisely.
SF were 3 & gone. A TD for Williams with 2:44 left put KC 20-24 up. The 9ers went out on downs with 1:25 left. Two plays and a 38-yard TD for Williams, 20-31. A pick by Fuller gave the ball back to KC with 57 seconds to eat. The End. Phew!
Save THE UNIVERSE from gorbal warming.
Buy Greenhouse Grotter merchandiseNOW!!
Q: How do you get yourself busted for being part of the £50M Ecclestone robbery?
A: Be a cleaner and turn up at Stansted airport wearing £30K looted earrings.
Q: How do you shut down Venice?
A: Find a 500lb WW2 bomb when repairing a sewer.
Do these characters ever read the tripe they write?
Was L. van Beethoven totally deaf at the age of 44 or did he have some residual hearing in his left ear despite his tinnitus? An Xpert, we were told yesterday, believes he 'could still hear out of his left ear'. What!?!?
We hear 'with' our ears. We don't hear 'out of' them. 'Out of' is emission, like speech, rather than reception. Claiming that Beethoven could hear out of one of his ears has to be a strong contender for the stupidest piece of journalism of the decade.
Women of pension age have overtaken men in the financial profligacy stakes. More of them are going bankrupt than men for the first time ever.
A spot of copy editing needed
"Terror Maniac wanted to kill an MP" invites 'completely useless' as a prologue and 'but failed miserably' as an epilogue.
“There must be a special circle in Hell for the 'uman bluddy rights lawyers who let these characters out of gaol. A place where the lawyers are in the pillory all day and every day and at the mercy of their innocent victims.” T.P.
“The only practical way to deal with the Islamist threat is to pay the Russians to shuffle these characters off to one of their forced labour camps in Siberia until they become de-radicalized or croak.” V.I.L.
No wonder they're called Democraps
The best the equivalent of the Corbynski tendency in the USA can offer to challenge The Donald is a billionaire socialist, who would bankrupt America with giveawaysthink O.J. only older and way, way richer; and Pres. O'Bummer's antique vice-president, who looks more ready for a retirement home than the White House and has a very dodgy past, especially his Ukraine Connection.
There's also a woke joke lady, who has the support of the victimhood-seeking liberals, an ex-lawyer, an ex-service ex-mayor called Buttiegeek who ticks the homosexual box and The Bloomberg, the media tycoon who is too grand to attend the petty initial rounds of the selection process in fly-over places like Iowa, and who has more than enuff billions to buy any presidency.
As it turned out, Mr. Bloomberg had the right idea. The pocket phone crApp used by the Democraps didn't work and the world had to wait hours (yawn!) to learn that the Buttie Candidate was top of the pops after the first flurry of activity.
They will cling to their delusions
"I cudda bin a contender. I cudda bin somebody."
"Actually, Jeremy, you couldn't. You're rubbish. Always have been, always will be."
Britain is facing a doughnut emergency after the factory in West Yorkshire which supplies wholesalers and the big supermarkets went up in flames during the Super Bowl weekend.
Eat red meat twice a week and you will die, the Xperts have concluded.
[Eat red meat 7 times or more a week, or 0 times a week and you will still die. Ed.]
“If 5G will let me control my washing machine from the other side of the world, could someone kindly explain how I get my washing from my side of the world to the washing machine on the other side?” R.W.
Kill ’em all, the long and the short and the tall
Ofrip, the toothless energy regulator, is planning to reduce the country's population by enacting laws to rip out gas central heating systems and replace them with unaffordable electrical systems, for which there will be insufficient power.
If the plan goes ahead, deaths of the elderly and the vulnerable will increase by 76,000 to 83,000 during cold winter months. Ofrip calculates that the population could be down to 58,000,000 carbon dioxide-emitters by 2060.
Q: What do you call an ex-prime monster's bodyguard who leaves his sidearm in the toilet of a commercial jet on the verge of a transAtlantic flight?
A: An ex-bodyguard.
Feb 6th is the 49th anniversary of Alan Shepard, commander of Apollo 14, losing a couple of golf balls on the Moon. Swinging his improvised club one-handed, he reckoned he drove the second ball for miles and miles and miles; certainly too far to make taking another swing at it a practical proposition.
Pocket phone zombies who don't look where they are going are experiencing an increasing rate of accidents. Xperts reckon that they will become Xtinct in 134.6 years.
Q: How does Shropshire council avoid repairing potholes in the county's roads?
A: By blowing the repair cash on a Potole Tsar, who gets £21,667 of taxpayers' cash PER MONTH, instead of repairing potoles @ 50 quid a pop.
Blackpool council is using a spy satellite to spot potoles within its jurisdiction.
Flim with an overdose of flam
Britain's efforts to 'fight' climate change are not so much "miles off track", as the bossy lady who was sacked from running the coming Glasgow summit claims. They're a complete waste of time and money and we don't have the means to control the climate, no matter what politicians, snake oil salespersons and other crooks tell us.
And when President Boris sounds off about The Planet being enclosed in a security blanket of carbon dioxide, he's talking piffle de peffel.
Long grass boot
Charging a British fleet of electric cars overnight would require DOUBLE the current generating capacity of the ENTIRE EU, and also the infrastructure to deliver all that power to individual charging points, which doesn't exist and would cost a BOMB! to create.
This is something obvious that the nutters who want to ban sales of internal combustion-powered cars after 2035 are ignoring. Why? Because they know it's just not deliverable and they'll all be retired on a fat public sector pension by then?
“Not much left over for heating homes after their gas central heating has been ripped out, then?” Chilly Willy
“Or computers for broadband super-trading or 5G phones. And what about keeping the bloody lights on?” Digital Whizz
“The best electric car scam has to be the one where the car doesn't come with a batterywhich is a necessary extra, which has to be rented @ £70/month!” Not Taken In
Old people in meeja sector jobs who want to keep them are advised to follow the Attenborough Example and exude wokeness by the bucketful, even if it's just an act.
If candidate for the job of cosmetic mayor of London R. Stewart wants to be really good at winning arguments, he should take lessons from Islington resident O.J. Corbynski, who is wonderful at it. Just take the last general election as a typical example.
“You’re mega-nicked, Chummie!”
Bicycle thieves in Belgium are in for a real shock. They are being given an additional three years in gaol for the crime against The Planet of forcing their bikeless victim(s) to use a car to get about instead of the bike, and thus causing gorbal warming.
The clue is in the name
People using a website called JustGiving have been shocked to find that, unless they are very good at navigating weasellinks, they end up just giving a big chunk of cash to . . . JustGiving.
With one bound . . . the Democraps' hopes of rewriting the 2016 presidential election result crumble into dust. Sic as a parrot semper tyrannis.
"They tried to impeach the President because they couldn't defeat him." How true these words are, even today.
The man who lived up to his nameMitt the Gitt.
+ + + Which? grots on Amazon Choice imprint + + + No guarantee of quality as Amazon doesn't do product checks + + + Fake reviews included in rating + + + Could be Mug's Choice + + +
Storm Ciara will batter Britain with gusts of up to 80 million mph on Saturday/Sunday. The good news is that it will blow the fog away from the nation's airports.
The Royal Navy Fishery Protection Squadron is beefing up both the size of its fleet and its firepower in anticipation of Europeon countries turning nasty after we regain full control of our territorial waters.
The real cost of H2S has been put at £150 BILLION. President Boris take note.
If the best that Bollocks to Berko can do in the way of a defence counsel for his bullying charges is D. Abbott, airhead of this parish, then his peerage is defibloodynitely up the spout!
Bollocks to Berko has had the cheek to offer his lack of height as an excuse for being a raycist!!
Bullying Berko the Squeaker
Who was a notorious peerage seeker
Sought to avoid all blame because he was small
Just five foot three, as we recall.
Oh, dear! The councils which have to clear up after them have Xposed the Xtinction mob as the worst polluters of The Planet as far as leaving litter behind goes. Tons of it whenever they make life difficult for decent people. These yobs and dozy oldies evidently feel too entitled to clear up their own messes.
Q: What does a white, middle-aged, female MP have to do to get herself noticed?
A: Wear an off-the-shoulder frock in the chamber of the HoCC.
[Just the one shoulder. Ed.]
“Is she trying to pretend she doesn't get paid enough to afford a frock which covers up both shoulders? Bloody shame!” R.W.
Wot, we were wondering, is the point of self-drive vehicles if they need one or more 'umans aboard in case the computer software does something daft?
The Chinese doctor who first spotted people with the new corona virus strain in Wuhan, and was harassed by the police when he tried to alert the authorities and made to sign a false admission of malicious rumour-mongering, has been killed by the virus.
As for Chinese SARS, medical professionals who come into contact with infected people in the early stages of the outbreak of a new virus strain tend to receive enough of the virus to overload their immune system before it can respond to the assault.
If there were any justice in the world, this doctor would merit a statue in Wuhan. But there ain't.
The Channel Island of Guernsey has started to make cash out of selling post-Brexit fishing licences to the French.
The Warmists are trying to blame the decline of some species of bumblebee on man-made global warming rather than natural changes in the climate and major changes in farming and land-management practices. Expect a demand for cash from them any day soon.
Maybe naturalists need to be taken to re-education centres to remind them that their job is to chart the rise and fall of species and their interactions, and not to pretend that they know what the ideal climate is or that an effective form of climate control is currently possible rather than science fiction.
Put on a happy smile!
The Office of National Sadistics has concluded that the nation was subjected to a severe attack of Brexit Blues courtesy of the activities of the sad Bremoaners and their Project Fear.
Now that they are in the dustbin of history, the ONS confidently expects a huge upswing in national confidence and cheerfulness.
Q: Is anyone in the Dept. of Justice going to be taken to task for giving over 200 grand in legal aid to a rogue surgeon, who mutilated thousands of women, to fund the defence at his trial and a failed appeal after he was sent to gaol?
A: Joke. And don't even ask about the NHS managers who let him run riot for 14 years.
No longer needed or The people who put the ‘con’ into constabulary
HM Inspectorate of Constabulary has determined that the British public has given up on their police farces. They have no expectation that the police will record crimes, never mind try to solve them.
The bad news for the police is that if they have nothing to do, there is no point to having them on the public payroll and some redundancies will be inevitable. Which will help recruitment for private security firms.
The Hollywood mentality has infected film-makers in Italy, who are now trying to make the ubiquitous Mafia criminals into glamorous anti-heroes.
Q: How do you rig a student vote at a university?
A: Make everyone opposed to the motion leave because the meeting is claimed to be overcrowded.
In the meantime, we are off to hunker in a bunker until Storm Ciara has stopped lashing us with winds blowing at 80 million mph.
Four feet of rain as well as 80 million mph gusts forecast from Storm Clara over the next couple of daze.
The gust speed has been upped to 90 million mph for increased dramatic effect. As this is being written, there's no rain, not much wind and the sun is shining!
The tea industry, which is recording a decline in black tea consumption, would like it to be known that drinking tea is as good as going to the gym to burn off fat; as well as being cheaper and more enjoyable.
Surprise! Judges have actually rejected an appeal from the Bride of Daesh S. Begum against having her British nationality cancelled because she is now most definitely not wanted on voyage.
Baroness Scotland is crap @ being the Commonwealth Secretary General and facing the sack. Predictably, she's playing the race card, which now seems to have become the first refuge of the scoundrel.
Dead in the water, one way or another
Which will go first, the useless baroness or her job? The countries which pay for the bureaucracy are saying 'no more' @ a rate which will drive it into Xtinction @ a great rate of knots.
Teachers are now wearing body cameras to get the goods on teenage hoodlums who abuse and assault them. Predictably, the people who condone yobbish behaviour are bent out of shape.
Q: Which is the daftest thing a dictator has done recently?
A: The Dict of Turkmenistan has ordered all government employees over 40 to dye their hair grey to match the extent to which his hair has faded.
[He has also confiscated all stocks of black hair dye. Ed.]
So many people who knew and loathed Bollocks to Berko are lining up to dish the dirt on him that getting into the House of Frauds would now require an act of monumental perversity on the part of the usual waxworks.
Tonight's TV: The Blue Planetthe world's most obscene stand-up comedy routines.
Thought for the Day: The 'uman race could become the first species to be talked into Xtinction by crooks, silly kids and other ignoramuses.
Today's Fascinating Fact: The relatively benign start to the year has produced the earliest delusion of seeing a monster in Loch Ness since records began; the 'sighting' was made on January 18th.
Nowt to shout about
Thanks to climate change, there have been no deaths on Scottish hills and mountains in January for the first time since records began!!!
"Wow! Hang on, when was that, when the records began?"
"B . . . F . . . D."
Q: How does a Corbynski continuity candidate know she's in dead trouble?
A: When she's less popular than Lady Thornberry as a leadership candidate.
By the end of Sunday, Storm Clara's winds had been ramped up to over 90 million mph. Will the catatrophists dare to go for the ton?
“A good word for Storm Clarait stopped criminals from boating illegals across the Channel, if only temporarily.” R.W.
Nope, they stuck at 97 million mph.
Luvvies wearing sequins on their clobber @ showbiz luvvie dos are now officially the Greatest Threat to the future of The Planet.
The way it is
Are we shocked that people suspected of having the corona virus are dragged off to quarantine forcibly in China? Nope, that's what happens in a totalitarian state and the people living there should know that resistance is futile. And the rest of us should know that the news that comes out of China is heavily censored and it is likely that much worse things are happening.
On the one hand, corona is described as a deadly virus; on the other, people infected with it can be described as 'not in a serious condition'. Spit the bones out of that!
What sort of a twisted world do we live in if a psychopathic soldier feels obliged to interrupt a shopping mall killing spree to update his FakeBuk page?
Q: Why does Pulp Fiction go on for 3 hours including TV ads?
A: Because is it ANZAREND bloody dull, tedious, boring, full of pointless wibble and Tarantino sucks as a film-maker.
The true nature of diversity is emerging out of the fog surrounding President Boris's coming Cabinet reshuffle. Diversity in government means that it is necessary to have people around with really stoopid views. Rejecting these views in favour of more sensible ones makes ministers feel more confident about their decisions and choices.
[Even when they are dead wrong. Ed.]
"Storm of the Century" just 19 years in to it? That's an Xtremely diverse judgement from the Met Office on 97 million mph Clara.
Gob open, brain in neutral
One of the "Stroppy Four" Democrap wimmin wiv attitude in the US House of Representatives, Ambrosia Occasional-Cortez, has raised questions about the validity of her economics degree by not knowing the difference between the British economist John Meynard Keynes, the town Milton Keynes and the American Milton Friedman. Attention-seeking can bring unexpected rewards.
After a general election, the IRA is now in a 3-way tie with the two former main political parties in the Irish Republic, and could end up in a coalition government. Yet another reason for having nothing to do with the IR.
Back from the dead!
Vince McMahon of WW fame created a rival to the No Fun League back in 2001. It lasted just one season but gave a few players a shot at the NFL. The 2020 reincarnation of the XFL has 8 teams competing in West and East leagues, just like the CFL used to be, and will be offering 3 months' entertainment as a bridge between the NFL and CFL seasons.
It shouldn’t come around? Right!
Bollocks 2Berko is outraged. How dare all the people who were on the receiving end of his tantrums and bulling make complaints and deprive him of a peerage, squeaks the defenestrated Squeaker.
Q: How do you know you're in real trouble?
A: When a nobody in the Labour leadership race sez not giving you a peerage is a form of bullying.
Today's Fascinating Fact: The first French fast-food joint was opened by a Russian emigre;, 'bistro' being Russian for fast.
[Readers are advised to take note of the caveat at the bottom of the page. Ed.]
The new virus has an official nameCorona of Chinese Origin 2019, or CoCO19 for short.
CoCO19 has cost China its showpiece Formula 1 Grand Prix, which would have been run in Shanghai in April.
Typhoid Mary has a rivalSteve the Super-Spreader from Hove, who could have given CoCO19 to hundreds of people during and since his return from Singapore, where he was infected, via France.
Planet Vega not tops
Shock, horror! The Xperts have found that products with the vegan label are not necessarily healthier than real-food products, and they could well be loaded up with fat and sugar and therefore unhealthier!
Q: What do you get for driving at 101 mph in a 30 mph zone?
A: If you're a copper with a silly story, and the magistrate is gullible enough to buy it, away with it.
Exaggerate, Exaggerate, Exaggerate!
If the Warmists are to be believed, things will get so much worse that Storm Clara will look like a summer breeze compared to what's to come in the rest of the century. Which leaves us wondering how much egg is going to land on Met Office faces over declaring Clara to be as bad as it gets? None or a lot? The wise money is going on 'a lot', but not necessarily because of Clara.
The treatment of the Yellow Vest Pest protesters has finally made the French public start noticing the degree of casual violence handed out by their police forces. But whether anything will actually be done about it remains a moot point.
Pay for what you get
Every home in the land is to be fitted with a smart Beeb-o-meter before 2027, when the BBC's current charter runs out. The licence fee will continue but anyone who spends less than 1 hour per day watching BBC programmes in a calendar month will be refunded 1/12th of their licence fee on or before the 15th of the following month.
+ + + Front-line politics too much for Vajid Javid + + + Quits as Chancellor of Exchequer on Reshuffle Day + + + Resuming previous career as immigrant bus driver's son? + ++
The chairman of the BBC reckons that abolishing the licence fee will be a disaster for the Beeb. Are we impressed? Well, he's not exactly an impartial witness.
Brain permanently disengaged
We had the idiot surfer trying to ride out Storm Clara, and a bunch of idiots in trainers, who had to be rescued from Ben Nevis in a blizzard. The emergency services must be looking forward to Storm Dennis with a great deal of trepidation.
Meanwhile, in Paris, all green spacesparks, gardens, squares and cemeteriesare closed in anticipation of a good battering from a storm which is due to hit the city today [Thursday, 13th, Ed.] Thunder and lightning, very, very frightening, is also on the menu.
They’re all at it
The Archbish of Cantab is trying to start a revulsion war with the Labour party. He's trying to make the CoE more reviled for its treatment of Persons of Colour than Labour is for its attitude to Jews.
The Xperts reckon that people spend 7,994 hours regretting things over an average lifetime. Do add on however many seconds/minutes it took you to read this highly fascinating waste-of-time fact!
It’s only taxpayers’ money
The repairs to Big Ben's home; the Elizabeth Tower; and the clock inside the tower, are soaring. If the new Squeaker of the HoC fails to get a grip, this project could well overtake H2S in cost over-runs.
Q: A doctor @ a London A&E department tests positive for CoCO19, the new Chinese corona virus strain. What do the waxworks managing the hospital do?
A: Go in to cover-up mode and try to keep the information from the doctor's colleagues.
No waxworks were sacked as a result of this episode of Xtreme boneheadedness.
Customers are advised to make sure their wellies don't leak as the Met Office is promising 5 metres of rain over the coming weekend, which will pose a severe threat to their credibility when water companies attempt to impose hosepipe bans.
“Not really. We'll just be told that Storm Dennis delivered the wrong sort of rain and the H2O swindle will go on.” M.F.
It’s only taxpayers’ money
The waxworks running the H2S project are sooo eager to shave seconds off nominal journey times that they have failed to realize that the stations in the Northern Poorhouse Zone are closer together than those in the south and in more difficult terrain.
Consequently, trying to get the trains to run at 252 mph is just silly, and if they do get a straight bit of track, drivers will have to start braking to be able to stop at a station before they can reach top speed.
The good news is that slower trains cost less. £105 BILLION instead of £106+ BILLION? Not if the spendthrift waxworks are allowed to go their merry way unchecked.
“One reason why Vajid Javid baled out of the Chancellor gig could be that he was getting a great deal of earache about coming up with a solution to the swindle of business rates, he couldn't manage it and so he funked it and split.” L.C.
Baroness Scotland, much reviled sec-gen of the Commonwealth, is blaming her unpopularity on fake news rather than her own incompetence and greed. She tried playing the race card, but that didn't work. Wot next?
On accident stand-by
What is the point of having a Tesla car with autopilot if the driver has to be constantly on the alert to take over at a moment's notice and recover from a lunatic move by the software? This is an autopilot which can put the vehicle on course for a kamikaze high-speed crash into something very solid.
President Boris is keen to pretend to be green, but he's not thinking things through. [Surprise! Ed.] Only the rich will be able to afford electric cars if the subsidies are abolished. And if they aren't, the moderately well off who don't have a driveway will have to sacrifice their modest front gardens to obtain an off-road charging space for an electric car. And the loss of what will be millions of acres of former-garden greenish space will really please the nation's ecoterrorists!
“Used cars will become precious if no one can buy a new one after 2032 and there's nowhere to recharge electrics, which won't be available in large numbers because of a shortage of the exotic metals needed for the batteries.
“ANDbig bonus, big bonuskeeping petroleum product cars on the roads ticks the recycling box big-time.” R.W.
Not much of a closing argument
"This Conservative administration will not be forgiven if it fails to act on what it has already told us is a crisis", we are told about the state of care of the elderly in Britain.
But the same could be said of Gordon Brown's ruination of private pensions, Tony B. Liar's illegal warmongering in Iraq and lots of similar stuff. Are the perpetrators, living their lives of post-politics luxury, bovvered by a bit of lack of forgiveness? Are they buggery.
Politicians are completely shameless. Fact.
Park where you like? Speed when you like?
The Mediterranean cowboy country Malta is experiencing a traffic cop crisis. Over half of them are under arrest suspected of getting away with overtime frauds and fuel theft over a period of at least 3 years.
Storm Dennniss will deliver SIX METRES of rain to selected areas today and tomorrow. Help!
Don't expect to go skiing in France to get away from storms. The buggers are all on strike.
Maybe they could just ring one another up?
Good news for The Planetthe mobile phone jamboree in Seville, which was scheduled for later in the month, has been cancelled due to CoCO19. All those massive carbon footprints will never be planted.
How much confidence should you have in a company CEO called Mr. B. Looney? Like the boss of BP?
Forget real crime
+ + + Britain's Hate Crime Coppers as bad as the Gestapo or StasiOfficial! + + + Judge blasts jobsworth confectors and their illegal harassment over 'non-crime hate incidents' + + + Police expected not to take blind bit of notice and continue to attempt to ban legitimate free speech + + +
Upward bounce, a nation rejoices
The appointment of an Indian immigrant's son to replace Pakistani bus driver's son Vajid Javid as Chancellor of the Exchequer produced an instant Wunderkind bounce in the value of the pound relative to other major currencies, which shows how much confidence the money markets had in poor old Vajid.
Q: What do you get if you mess about with the Radio Two formula and lose 450,000 listeners?
A: The Push.
Q: What do you get if you worked for Prince Hairy @ his base in England?
A: See the above answer
The £6 MILLION Barclays boss, who presided over the attempt to prevent the bank's customers from using the Post Office to access their money in the absence of bank branches, is being stitched up over his association with the murdered in gaol paedophile Svengali J. Epstein. One way is as good as any other.
“Austerity, schmausterity if one of those big accountancy firms, which never seem to spot that their customers are sinking, can pay TheRazor May 96 grand for an afternoon's attendance at a do.” R.U.V.
Enforcement of the Diversity Programme has resulted in a steep rise in the rate of femicide. Despite this, the annual assassination rate for females remains @ only about one-half of the male homicide rate.
“Criminals who damage public property things are still criminals, even if they pretend to be saving The Planet from a fate which doesn't bother rational people by digging up a patch of grass in Westmonster.” C.H.
Q: Where is the best place for a fake nun to hide in Italy?
A: Convents in the north of the country are a good place for eluding justice for a couple of years.
Despite the arrival of Storm Denniss, Romiley was remarkably still there when BFN staff ventured out to buy Sunday papers. And the pavements were suspiciously dry despite the assurance of a month's rainfall overnight.
“Not if we're talking about the rainfall of a drought month. There's always a weasel way out.” W.G.
Q: Do we care if some octogenarian former film star has given up plastic surgery?
A: Yes, desperately.
Building on the success of the Wuhan prefab hospital for CoCO19 patients, which was erected in a 10-day week, a Chinese railway company is offering to do H2S very cheaply in 5 months. This is a hell of a lot better than what President Boris is offeringa 15-year build @ £8-34 BILLION less than the current estimate of £106 BILLION.
“The only condition from the Chinese is that we supply the concentration camps for the labourers?” S.R.
Watch your step, matie
America's attorney general is getting a lot above himself if he thinks he has the right to censor his president. Everyone is entitled to an opinion if freedom of speech is a 'uman bluddy right, and that includes letting the AG know when he's about to do something daft.
“Especially as D. Trump is a breath of fresh air. For instance, he's the only world leader who treats Greenhouse Grotter for what she isa teenager who can't relate to the world and blames everyone else for her failures. And his refusal to take her seriously does seem to have forced her to get a bit of a grip on reality. A bit of one only, though. Maybe he can have the same effect on the AG.” W.B.
Judges and the 'uman bluddy rights industry have conspired to make deportation of foreign criminals, no matter how repulsive, virtually impossible. Something requiring deeds, not just words, from Home Sec. P. Patel.
Football Xplained: VAR stands for Very Annoying (offstage) Referee
Security for the 12-day jamboree for global warming swindlers in Glasgow in November will cost the taxpayer £250 billion, according to Police Scotland. That's a very nice little pre-Xmas earner for the lads & lasses.
“200 heads of state and 30,000 other scroungers all scoffing at the expense of English taxpayers. Nice one, Boris.” T.B.
Keeps them off the streets
Has it occurred to the SETI mob, who are trying to detect evidence of intelligence in radio signals from the centre of our galaxy, that any life forms whose communications leak out as far as us are probably long dead, given the millions of light years the messages have had to traverse?
It was very nice of the Corbynski Continuity Stooge to tell Wee Burney Sturgeon that she can have another IndyRef if she asks nicely. Big shame it's not within the stooge's gift.
Today Science Discussion Topic: Offer your opinion on who was the chemist who put the 'sod' into sodiumwith full justification.
“If President Boris, when the cosmetic mayor of London, couldn't get a bridge built across somewhere as safe, and as relatively narrow, as the river Thames, what hope does he have of getting one built across the storm-tossed seas between Scotland and Ulster? No time or taxpayers' money should be wasted on this fantasy.” I.B.
“Hang on, maybe President Boris will switch to a tunnel to rival the Chunnel.” R.W.
rip in the direction of off
Surprise! Operators of roadside charging points for electric vehicles are ripping off the customers shamelessly. The going rate is 10 quid for 100 miles of driving but some spivs are charging £23, which is eight times what a home charge would cost the driver.
No surprise that Storm Dennisss has been a total let-down for Romiley's victimhood freaks. It was a bit noisy last night but the pavements were dry in the morning and we've not had our five feet of rain.
The Pund that dare not speak its name
The BBC has sacked a pundit for daring to notice that some people are not of the same racial origin as others, which is a mortal sin when committed by a member of the non-ethnic majority.
Gimme, gimme, gimme, NOW!
President MacRon is getting impatient with outgoing German Kanzler Angular Mherkel over her opposition to his ideas for 'strengthening' the EbloodyU post-Brexit. As most of the ideas involve German taxpayers paying more to France, and Europe paying for protection from the French army and its nuclear weapons instead of NATO, it's not too surprising.
The French foreign minister is determined to get in to a post-Brexit ass-kicking contest over trade with Britain which will 'rip both countries apart'. No wonder we spent most of the last millennium at war with them.
Not thinking big, thinking GIGANTIC
The Met Office is to get a billion-pound-plus supercomputer to replace its present supercomputer, which cost a mere hundred million quid. The current computer is good for offering a big picture. The new one will add more detail; if the programming is any good.
The ultimate ambition is to offer local forecasts on a street-by-street and hour-by-hour basis so that shoppers can work out if they can get to and from the supermarket without being drown by an unexpected deluge.
Bye, Bye, Beeb!
Never mind waiting until 2027 to scrap the TV licence, the customers are choosing to do it for themselves and the big question for the BBC is will there be anyone left on their books when the current regime runs out?
The country's population is rising but the number of TV licence payers is dropping more rapidly as former customers find NeatFlix and other subscription services more relevant to their viewing needs.
Wrong sort of water
Phone companies have been deluged with complaints from angry and outraged customerspeople who were assured that they would be able to control their home from their phone but who were unable to use it to keep out flood waters from Storms Clara and Denniss.
Good Xcuse for not doing housework: "I'm avoiding giving the kids asthma through Xposure to modern household detergents."
The Corbynnies running for the nice little earners of the Labour leadership and deputy leader jobs want to give their hero a BIG shadow cabinet job to ensure that they get the Xtremist vote come the ballot. Anyone who disagrees with giving the old booby a pay rise and the sinecure of shadow foreign sec. is officially unfit to lace Corby's jackboots.
Today's 'elf warning: Beware of sea salt, which is absolutely loaded with sodium, which makes the 'uman heart go like the clappers, which can lead to an early demise.
Union inadequate, no bloody muscle!
Students are up in arms because they are not being offered a refund of fees when their lecturers going strike for a couple of weeks, or get compensation for having to repeat a year due to lost teaching time.
The official view is that pay-outs would lead to cuts in the six-figure salaries of university admin staff, and are therefore undesirable.
Rubber from recycling worn-out tyres is to be incorporated into a material for making pavements to give people who fall over a soft landing on a bouncy surface and save millions of lives. Which is not going to do anything much for the Over-Population Crisis, which is threatening the future of The Planet.
[Yeah, right. Ed.]
Q: More minor fringe royals getting divorced, are we bothered?
A: Aaah, . . . nope.
Falls over in amazement time
The Environment Sec. has dared to come out with the simple truth that the country cannot afford to build enuff flood defences to keep everyone dry who is idiot enuff to live on a flood plain, which becomes inundated when it rains more than a bit.
No doubt the looney left will be telling us the Xact opposite tomorrow, as they are never shy about spending other people's dosh.
Planet X is 90 years old
February 18th marked the 90th anniversary of the discovery of a new planet, the presence of which had been predicted mathematically. Clyde Tomaugh, who was just 23 at the time, had spent a year at the Lowell Observatory in Arizona examining pairs of night sky photographs taken at different times, looking for an object which had shifted its position; something which stars don't do over the time period involved.
Planet X acquired the name Pluto. It has yet to complete a circuit of our Sun since its discovery, having an orbital period of 247.68 Earth years. In 2006, the International Astronomical Union attempted to deprive Pluto of its planetary status. Didn't work.
The image of Pluto [above, right] has tweaked colours to bring out surface detail.
The nation is to be given a referendum on abolishing the BBC's licence fee. And another if the idiots get the first one wrong.
The tin can with always-on ears
Six million people are letting the Amazon tin can spy on them. But their number does not include a former top bod in the web services department. He makes sure that the tin can is switched off when he wants privacy. Which still leaves Amazon staff with a growing mountain of amusing sound clips to choose from when they feel the need for a quick spot of entertainment.
This week's health scare: Rocket lettuce leaves in 'healthy' salads are, in fact, lethal!!
Flood plains flood; the clue is in the name
People expecting President Boris to come round and bail out their flooded premises personally are reputed to be Xtremely disappointed that there isn't enuff Boris to go around.
[They should count themselves lucky Boris doesn't come round to bang heads together and tell them to go and live somewhere sensible. Ed.]
FYI: Prince Hairy Sussex is no longer Royal and licenced to sell Royal stuff.
Luvvies in a twist
Questions are being asked about the values of the luvvie lobby after it hounded an original thinker out of President Boris's backroom staff. Surprisingly, they turned on the son of a multi-millionaire trade union executive, who is a cheerleader for O.J. Corbynski @ a union which has pumped zillions into Labour's coffers.
MPs who swindle the taxpayer by misuse of credit cards will be suspended until they cough up the dosh. Whether or not it's without pay has not been revealed.
They have got it absolutely right, those Xperts who point out that this year's flooding is nothing Xceptional and we have a long history of storms going back before the global warming fraud began.
Where they get it wrong, however, is insisting that everyone else should pay for flood defences for people who own properties on flood plains. Some help to get them relocated to somewhere safer maybe. A licence to indulge their lunacy in perpetuity? No way.
That said, the Environment Agency should be abolished forthwith to end its lunatic policies of creating wetlands for birds and failing to ensure adequate drainage of areas used by 'uman beans.
Most of the MPs from 'ethnic backgrounds' have played the race card when caught in the act of behaving badly.
Today’s Urgent Issue
Why is a rise in house prices everywhere seen as a Good Thing when it means that even fewer ordinary people will be able to buy a second home?
The average wage is now back where it was before the Brown Crash of 2008, when, lest we forget, Labour was in government and screwing things up royally. It has been a long road back.
Prince Chazzer is at it again. Despite the failures of his previous predictions of Doom in a Decade, he has come back with another one. And, no doubt, there will be yet one more in 2030.
Decades too late, the Liberals are about to give the boot to ex-leader D. Steel for not blowing the whistle on the mountainous paedophile C. Smith.
V. slow on the uptake
Some luvvies are starting to get that TV reality shows are trivial and tacky. Maybe there's a tiny glimmer of hope for some of them.
Prince Andrew was able to celebrate his 60th birthday without having tedious hangers-on pestering him and asking him how he feels. Sounds like quite an okay condition.
When vandals start destroying a public amenity, such as a university's lawn, there are always coppers hanging around. But now, they are not there to arrest the vandals.
Their job now is to protect the vandals from outraged members of the public, whose taxes will be wasted on repairing the damage, and to ensure that the news meeja have unlimited access to the vandals.
“When did we acquire the 'uman bluddy right to dig up a university's lawns? I must have slept through that one.” N.K.
“More importantly, when did police superintendents get the 'uman bluddy right to tell barefaced lies and claim that acts of vandalism committed under the noses of his coppers are not a threat to public order?” H.W.
“Political correctness is turning into a wonderful excuse for sheer bloody laziness and misconduct in a public office.” J.C.
Pantomime in court
Is the late film mogul H. Weensteen going to have to make a final public appearance when the jury reaches a verdict on the charges against him in the still on-going trial? Will there be a coffin in the dock at the Supreme Court in New York? Or an urn of ashes if he has been cremated?
“And what about the appeal? More unrest for the wicked?” C.A.
Public Service Announcement:
We would like to direct the attention of the IALF in the direction of the Xtinction vandals and their backers.
Q: Is the country stricken with grief and wallowing in it after HMexit?
A: Actually, we seem to be doing okay without them.
President Boris is getting a good kicking over his ambition to be another Gordon F. Broon and wreck the private sector pension system even more. Not a good move, especially at a time when Boris's Svengali, D. Cummings, is being positioned as another Berko by those who would have him binned for personal advantage.
They’ll have to start another Far Queue
The EbloodyU is now demanding that the UK empties its museums and art galleries as part of its negotions for a Brexit trade deal. Which tells everyone that the EbloodyU is on its usual course.
Its waxworks aim to spend the next nine months enjoying free lunches and dinners and making daft suggestions, and they will try to cobble something together during December. And if they fail, Surprise!! It will be our fault.
“The EbloodyU waxworks pretending to treat London's cosmetic mayor, Sadgeek Khan't, as a person of status underlines their lack of eagerness to be in serious Brexit negotions.” K.C.
The campaign to sleaze Prince Andrew by association is still going full speed ahead.
She's a Green MP (the only one), so no surprise that C. Lucas thinks she's done nothing wrong by charging 150 quid for a tour of the House of Common Criminals, which makes the £26.50 charged by official guides look almost reasonable.
Q: What do you do when your best buddy turns out to be a busted flush?
A: Labour's micropelargic Chancellor wannabe, J. McDonnell, is trying to replace O.J. with J. Assange, who faces 175 years enjoying the hospitality of the American people if extradited and convicted of espionage there.
Talent? Forget it
ITV has joined the diversity bandwagon. White male actors can forget leading roles from now on. Female, ethnic and peculiar is all that will be on offer in the future.
Q: Was it really a wonderful idea for some civil service waxwork to create a Department of Productivity, Renewal, Industry, Climate & Kinesthesia?
A: Depends whether they can find anyone who wants to be the boss of . . . OMG!
Marks & Sparks has a new gimmick for selling cakesgetting some stooge to pretend they're Satanic. It certainly seems to be working a treat with their 10-quid Easter Bunny cakes!
Q: Was it really a wonderful idea for some civil service waxwork to create a Department of Productivity, Renewal, Industry, Climate & Kinesthesia?
A: Depends whether they can find anyone who wants to be the boss of . . . OMG!
Today's Shock-horror: If you want to die, eat out or get some takeaway food. Either way, you get grub that's full of toxins like norovirus and other nasty bugs, sez the Food Standards Agency.
“That will be due to councils pretending to 'fight' the climate emergency instead of employing hygiene inspectors to address the food emergency.” R.W.
Q: What do you get if you bash five coppers in a drunken frenzy?
A: If you're female, away with it.
Daft Excuse of the Month: Barclays Bank claims the spy software on its in-house computer network is there to prevent employees from overworking as much as it is there to frighten the skivers into doing more.
Is there a connection between the search for Xtremes by SF scriptwriters and the present wish to pretend that every drop of rain that falls should bring out our inner Noah? Could be.
A different look
Stand by for the new plastic £20 note featuring President Boris. Scrunched-up paper 20s will still be accepted; as long as their condition is not to disgusting; for a while yet.
Unscrewing the scrutineer
How typical of a vested & panted interest like a Dimbleby to play the man instead of the ball by pretending that the issue of the BBC licence fee is not about the relevance of the Beeb but an attempt to undermine it and prevent scrutiny of government policies.
Other meeja outlets exist; some as biased as the Beeb and in the same direction. And other views exist apart from the current BBC culture.
“What did Dimbleby ever govern?” D.C.
“The thing that's got D.D.'s knickers in a twist seems to be that President Boris has power and he doesn't. Oh, the frustrations of entitlement thwarted!” N.M.
“Do you trust Pres. Boris, N.M.?” M.W.
“About as much as I trusted Tony B. Liar. But if he's the President with a stonking majority from a free election (apart from the usual Russian interference, of course), we're going to have to put up with him and pick the pieces up later.” N.M.
A licence to do your own thing?
Good News: If you drink every day, you could reach 90, the Xperts reckon.
Bad News: If you drink every day, you could drop dead early, the Xperts reckon.
Brexit 50p coins
ONLY £4.50 each!!
Lots and lotz in stock . . .
. . . Mugs willing to make
with open arms
Hurry, hurry to:
Romiley Coin Centre, 102c Riverside Drive
Q: What do you do if a civil servant collapses after being obliged to work past 4:53 pm?
A: Give him/her/it a packet of ready salted crisps for a case of sodium deficiency.
Getting the alibi in place early
The Democraps who are hoping to replace President Trump, and put themselves on course for an income in the hundreds of millions of dollars when the job is over, are warning the Russians not to interfere in the election in November. If (when) they lose again, it will be due to those bloody Russians, not their unelectability.
If you were thinking of going to Italy, don't bother. All sorts of events have been called off, including a Fashion Week, and some small towns have been effectively closed down. All thanks to the corona virus strain brewed up in China.
Let’s play the blame game!
Sadly, a great deal of the blame for the current flooding falls on bad decision made by Labour governments and/or Labour councils, and also the sheer bloodymindedness of lefty nutters in the Environment Department.
They are the people who chose to waste taxpayers' cash on creating new wetlands for wildlife and neglected to dredge rivers and keep drainage channels in good order as a matter of policy.
All of which means that even if President Boris put his wellies on, nothing is going to change overnight.
Anyone who plays the race card over trying to spot Islamist terrorists should be cast into a deep, dark hole and forgotten.
Q: Why is it a bad idea to be an actor in Eastenders?
A: Because you're not allowed to retire until you're in your 90s.
They’re HUGE and they’re everywhere
Scotland has potholes which can be seen from space. Motorists and motoring organizations blame local councils for wasting cash on pretending to 'fight' global warming and other non-issues instead of filling them. Council officials would have us believe the visibility is entirely due to advances in space imaging technology and nowt to do with their failure to do the job they're paid to do.
“Surprise! The Xperts are blaming gorbal warming for Scotland's potoles.” A.K.
Blue passports (made in France) are making a comeback next month, which is bad news for the firms which make the blue plastic jackets for burgundy passports with the EbloodyU imprint.
LAUGH @ FLOODS
with the ACME personal hovercraft
Glide along flooded roads and enjoy the freedom from rival traffic!
* * Electric, Hydrogen, Atomic power options * *
* * * YOU choose! * * *
Hurry, hurry to:
Romiley Hovercraft Solutions, 15b Riverside Drive
International Alarmists are already setting deadlines for containing CoCO19. Cynics are saying they're just getting their alibis in place early.
Q: What do you get after flying home from 14 days of quarantine on a plague-stricken cruise liner?
A: Another 14-day quarantine in the UK.
The cruise industry is getting a bit desperate thanks to CoCO19 and BOGOF offers are proliferating for 2021.
It seems that man-made fibres are out in the fashion industryunless they have been recycled, which is creating a brand new industry, the function of which is to recycle virgin, freshly made fibres immediately before they have been contaminated by exposure to 'umans.
Natural fibres from plants are also a Big Thing; including fibres from nettles. Knickers made from nettles for masochists? Sounds a wonderful innovation!
The Taliban has now become responsible for death or injury to 100,000 Afghans over the past decade.
Vice-chancellors and chairmen of university governing bodies are upset by their institution's lack of touch with the real world and contempt for decent values. But who, other than them, is to blame for letting that state of affairs come in to existence?
Today's scam call, allegedly from the security department of "your bank" about a £600 credit card payment to "a foreign country made 15 minutes ago" came from: 00393050 683694. At least the buggers got a female who sounded English to record it rather than relying on a badly generated message from a computer.
Any excuse for a whinge
There's nowt as sore as a Labour loser. Which explains why some Labour nutters are trying to organize a boycott of Yorkshire Tea because the new ethnic Chancellor of the Exchequer let himself be photographed with a big box of their teabags.
There's a novelty! Football matches in Italy are being played in empty stadiums; not because the crowds have been behaving badly and the authorities want to punish them but because no one wants a dose of CoCO19. The same could happen in Spain, where no one currently has the virus but people who have been to Italy are in quarantine or under investigation.
Long live the dream
An American Mad Mike tried to prove that the Earth is flat by launching himself into space (or the upper atmosphere) using a home-made, steam-powered rocket. Which didn't work too well. Neither did Mike's parachute. Flat or round, the result of an impact with the Earth from a high height is exactly the same.
“What's this obsession with naked flames in spaceships and on space stations in US sci-fi series such as Babylon 5 and the Star Treks? Does it appeal to their inner firebug because all Yanks have a secret ambition to be a firebug?” J.D.
The French are at it againclaiming world record temperatures for their winter.
Brain permanently in neutral when not in excuse mode
Boneheads in Whitehall and local councils have approved the construction of 11,000 new houses on land which will probably become flooded in the future, theGrauniad's ferrets have discovered.
Expect buckets of misery for the berks who buy the houses; and lotz of blame shifting between central and local governments in due course.
One-third of the goods bought on-line are okay and safe to use. The rest are bads which fail to comply with safety regulations.
The nation is on course for reaching 90% of NHS customers having type 2 diabetes by 2073 thanks to o'besity due to compulsive face-feeding with junque foods.
The Bollocks to Berko memoirs, which came out at the beginning of the month, are now No. 10,003 in the National Register of Best-Sellers.
Some schools have been closed completely, others have just sent home those staff and pupils who went on mid-term skiing holidays to northern Italy, which is now officially a plague zone.
Oh, no! Not another bleedin' turning point. The government's drama queens are now cobbling together one for the corona virus.
“The only good news on that front is that Fuk Jon Sno is stuck in isolation after a jolly to Iran.” S.D.
The Chinese government has banned the sale and consumption of the wildlife which gave the world CoCO19. The trade is now expected to go underground and become even more insanitary and disgusting.
The way things are going, there's not going to be any world trade, but the government is still talking to the US and the EbloodyU among others. Which prompted this observation from one of our people:
Americans can eat chicken which has been D-bugged with a chlorine wash. Americans are tough and strong.
British people would drop dead on the spot if put in the same room as a pack of chlorine-washed chicken. Brits are weak and wonky and stoopid.
That's what comes across from the Project Fear being run by ecofascist foodies.
Relief in sight
The problem of an ancient population will become less of a burden in the future, the Xperts reckon. Why? Because the trend to greater life expectancy has hit the buffers, especially where poor people are concerned.
Those who can afford an old age will continue to achieve what is the current average for their income group. Poor people, who cannot afford old age, can expect to see a decline in their average lifespan.
The Xperts are blaming the trend on a decade of austerity which, lest we forget, was thrust upon us as a consequence of 13 years of Labour misrule and having Gordon F. Broon as Chancellor.
Prince Hairy is back in the UK. No wonder the weather has taken a turn for the worse!
The French think the EbloodyU should not be blackmailed into a bad post-Brexit trade deal but Britain should. No wonder everyone calls them perfidious.
“Journalists have a weird idea of life expectancy if they think there's any difference between a sentence of 29 years in gaol and one of life for Harvey WeenSteen, who's 67.” E.N.
“Look how long the other Steen, Mr. Ep, lasted before he had his neck broken in three places when he was locked up in a US gaol.” A.C.
“Mr. WheenStheen's next destination is Riker's Island, a prison where the staff are generally worse than the inmates. It is due for closure in 2026, which leaves New York with the problem of alternative accommodation for H.W. for a further 23 years until he reaches the grand old age of 96.” F.N.
Civil Service Speak
Bullying: a politician has told me to do something which would involve getting off my fat arse and getting some useful work done.
Today's Health Scare; Drinking ONE can of fizzy drink every day will give you a heart attack. [If CoCO19 doesn't get you first]
FakeBuk is having to ban ads offering a miracle cure for CoCO19 as well as ads for face masks claiming a 100% protection rate. Swindlers are everywhere.
[But you already knew that, didn't you? Ed.]
“Are we allowed to notice that Hindus and Moslems are having religion/race riots and arson around in India? Or are we expected to be too polite to notice foreigners doing the things we're always being accused of?” R.W.
“As long as the death toll is less than 1,000, we should just avert our gaze politely. Only when it gets to 1,000,000 should we consider boycotts and refuse to fund India's space programme.” C.T.
Bad guy out, bad guy in?
Former Liberal chief D. Steel will not be taking lunch money from the House of Frauds in future after his decision to ignore the crimes of Labourite turned Liberal C. Smith were exposed at great length by the £150 BILLION child abuse investigation.
The appalling Nonce Finder General fantasist T. Watson is hoping to take his place if a recommendation from O.J. Corbynski gets past the scrutiny committee.
Bakery staff at the supermarket chain Tesco are getting the boot because the Great British Public has turned its collective back on real bread in favour of wimpy foreign substitutes. Take heart, though. Real bread is still on sale at Aldi & Sainsburys in Romiley.
Greenhouse Grotter has a rival; she's called Tanya, she's rather supernatural and she looks a lot more fun than the troubled little girl with understanding ishues and irrational anger ishues.
Politics & Academia; a poisonous brew
The Xpert commissioned by Gordon F. Broon, the man responsible for the Decade of Austerity, has blamed a world-wide plateau in life expectancy on austerity in Britain, ignoring the fact that the NHS and the poor here have done rather better than anyone else during the period since the Brown Slump.
Which could explain how the poor manage to get o'bese and croak early. Thrown in some spurious statistics and the Brownwash is complete.
Prince Hairy is to enlarge his carbon footprint by going to a sustainable travel jolly. How gracious of him.
Free to use ATMs will be Xtinct in 2 years, Which? reckons. What sort of bloody useless government lets that happen?
“If carious means decayed as in teeth, how do you get to vicarious?” B.R.
[Two separate and unconnected Latin sources. Ed.]
Greenhouse Grotter is fomenting social disorder in Bristol today, stating: "I will not be silenced. Will you?"
To which we reply: "Neither will we! Grotter Get Lost!"
“Maybe people would take a bit more notice of the Xtinction louts if they started to pick up their litter instead of despoiling The Planet with it.” E.L.
Today’s conspiracy theory: No Olympics without Putinstan
Russia is in fact behind the CoCO19 pandemic. Why? To get this year's Olympics postponed until their ban from international competition for institutional doping runs out . . . in 2024.
Not having a religion is a recipe for ill-health, the Xperts would have us believe and you're more likely to be a smoker if you don't have a religion.
“Does it ever occur to the people who want President Boris to go to flooded areas that he can see what's happening on TV and get reports from the government department which is charged with addressing the problem? Probably not.” M.D.
“Where do these characters get the notion that the PM of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is at their beck and call? He's got a whole country to run.” P.N.
“The climate has not changed very much. What we've seen is an increase in wimpery and victimhood-seeking based on smaller and smaller fractions of one percentage point and a large increase in wilful failure to manage the environment properly and sensibly.” J.F.
Canada pleads poverty
As a result of their lousy trade deal with the EbloodyU, the Canuks have realized they just can't afford the zillions it costs to protect Prince Hairy & Co. from ecofascists and other crazies. So they're not going to.
It has taken 12 years to clear Barclays Bank of criminality over not going bust and becoming a drag on the taxpayer when other major banks were going bust and doing just that thanks to the Brown Slump of 2008.
Surprise! Screen idol G.C. Looney has been paid 30 zillion bucks to advertise coffee which could have been harvested by child labour. BFN will now take the opportunity to wave a virtue flag. None of us here ever drinks Mr. Looney's pod coffee. We prefer the real thing made with Aldi's Warp 5 ground coffee. Or tea. PG, Yorkshire or anything that's on ‘50% extra for free' offer.
“And the effin pods are too small to recycle, despite the manufacturer's claims, without using more energy than producing new aluminium from scratch.” R.W.
Energy companies are lying when they quote complaint rates, which are typically under reported by 75%, the watchdog has found.
The Pope wants to turn the internet into a wasteland by persuading everyone to give up trolling for Lent.
Wot is going on? A Leap-Year Day summary
On the one hand, we have the age-old question of what do we do when oil and gas stocks run out. Which won't happen for 200 years. On the other, we have the Warmists and environmentalists, who claim we are living in a Golden Age, which must be preserved at any cost. [That the cost will be to other people is understood. Ed.]
The Warmists claim that a warmer climate, which was a Good Thing according to the historical record, is suddenly a Bad Thing. But if we hand them enough money to buy millions of gallons of their snake oil, everything will be okay. And the ecofascists want money to prevent the world from changing, even though it is the natural order of things.
“When are the Warmist fascist bastards going to get round to listening to the opinions of people who think having things a bit warmer is actually a good idea? Apart from never, of course.” T.J.
And then there are the Politicians, who have to pretend that they can solve any problem, real or imaginary, and if they throw BILLIONs @ the Warmists and mortgage their country's future beyond redemption, it doesn't matter because failure will be down to the Warmists, not the Politicians.
We also have the Drama Queens, young and old. The young pretend that the coming 'catastrophe' is something grown ups are doing to persecute them. The oldies claim that if no one listens to them, the world will go to Hell and they need to be noticed and taken seriously as wise elders. In both cases, the message is NOTICE ME!!!
To which the obvious answer is: "We have and you're just a waste of space."
“We are what we do.”
That's what the NatWest bank tells us in its TV adverts.
Sadly, that amounted to closing the branch and buggering off, leaving the customers stranded, as far as Romiley is concerned.
For more info, have a look at this page on the Romiley Arts Federation website.
Q: How do you avoid going to gaol for a violent crime despite a history of violence?
A: Get the judge so baffled about which sex you are that he/she takes the easy way out and suspends the sentence.
Pakistan is suffering from a plague of locusts. Official government advice to the customers is to eat the pests as an alternative food source, barbequed or in a curry, which is only fair.
Neighbouring China is offering the services of an army of locust-eating ducks in the hope of avoiding an invasion of its own territory.
Issue of the Month: Should spaghetti eaters be allowed to use scissors at the dining table in polite society to trim off inconvenient rogue strands?
“Point of information: spaghetti is never served and therefore never eaten in polite society. Far too messy.” R.W.
Too wimpy to be noticed
The last storm we heard about was called Denniss. We're being offered a Spanish one called Jorge for this weekend. Whatever happened to Excalibur, Feckit, Grotter, Humungous and Incest? Not big enuff?
Today's Word is Gastrogymnastics: Eating dinner with a cat on your lap.
Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.
|Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression|
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, February MM20 like anyone cares