WEEK 1

 
Worth a try
The Labour party is expected to defuse the anti-Semitism row, which is deflecting so much attention from its good works [? Ed.], by writing it in to the party constitution to make it part of the rules, compulsory and normal. The Corbynites are hoping to bamboozle the residual Bliarites with a "line in the sand" situation.

More history to relearn
Prince Albert is in trouble with the wimminist lobby for doing too much. He spent too much time getting Queen Victoria pregnant and doing things like organizing the Great Exhibition of 1851 and not enuf time polishing his wife's shoes and being a subservient consort.

Discrimination still rulz, OK!
If you're fit and healthy and not non-white and not a sexual deviant and not disabled and not obviously disadvantaged in any way, it can take an industrial tribunal to get you in to the Cheshire Constabulary these days.
    'We do this with the best of intentions', is the excuse from the Cheshire police farce. 'And fail to realize it will have the worst of consequences for the people paying our wages,' the spokeswoman forgot to add.

The Islamist tendency, especially the ones who feel entitled to turn violent, are in trouble for daring to objecting to government attempts to promote homosexuality in primary schools.
“They'll be really narked when O.J. get in and makes it compulsory!” T.L.

The latest wonder diet—eat anything you like but just eat less than you normally would.

Topic for a Ph.D. thesis: Compare & contrast Brexit with the First American Civil War of Independence in the 18th century.

The latest claim from a weirdo expert @ the UNO's Department of Dottiness is that J. Assange was tortured during most of his seven-year away break in the Ecuadorian embassy. Those South Americans, eh!

Greenwash
A fairly mild spell of weather has let the National Grid do without coal-fired power stations for a fortnight. BFD! The Nation's needs were met using gas (mainly), nuclear, electricity generated from wood chips imported from the United States with a falsified carbon footprint, imports and the unreliables—wind and solar, which don't work when the wind don't blow and the sun don't shine and cost the poor old taxpayer money if the inconsiderate wind blows too hard.

The French are getting really serious about smoking this month—it will be banned on some of the country's beaches as well as in city green spaces.

Italy is having yet another budget dispute with the EbloodyU and doing some of the usual obfuscation to avoid paying heavy fines the country can't afford.

Oh, yes, there was a football match somewhere abroad . . .
A penalty for hand-ball in the first 30 seconds of the Champions' League final? Crumbs! Confirmed by the replay, Liverpool one-nil up on Spurs and the team that scores first has a record of winning.
    We had to wait for the 38th minute before anyone (Liverpool) fired another shot at a goal. Spurs put the ball over the Liverpool crossbar and into the car park a couple of times in the first half.
    A close miss in the 69th minute by Liverpool. Two tries at goal in the 80th minute by Spurs. No cigar from a good Spurs free kick after 84 minutes. No, it was Liverpool who sealed the deal after 87 minutes with another goal.
    A dive in the Liverpool penalty area in time added on failed to impress the ref and Liverpool became the top dogs in Europe again, winning 2-0.

“Corbyn's sour grapes over President Trump saying he likes Boris is entirely unacceptable interference in our democracy. Choosing the next Tory leader is nothing to do with Corbyn.” R.W.

The woman hoping to replace Cobblers to Cable as the Liberals' leader thinks that the country is crying out for a movement which will put the British nation and its interests last and not listen to what the people want.
    Someone who could end up in court for misconduct in a public office? Unlike B. Johnson, of course, who wasn't acting in a public-office capacity when promoting Brexit during referendum.

Save the world? Nah!
Who would pay £19,000 for a gadget the size of a washing machine, which burns organic waste to provide heating? Especially if you have to scare up 6-12 pounds weight of waste every day to produce 40% of the average home's hot water requirements.
“It sounds typical of all those wonderful gadgets which are more trouble than they are worth and fodder for mugs with more money than sense.” P.N.
“The gadget conjures up visions of people raiding their neighbours' bins in search of enough waste to get the water hot enough for a family of five to have baths/showers!” T.C.

The Bad News of the moment: is that there's always going to be something people die off. With smoking on the decline, o'besity is its successor. And after o'besity, well, the experts are sure to think of something else.

Getting tough over Mexico's porous borders has set stock markets quivering and President Trump's approval rating soaring.

Football referees are worried about the loudness of their whistles and afraid that they will make them deaf as well as blind.

The forces of evolution seem to be winning in Scotland, where the Labour party is heading for Xtinction and too busy with internal battles to notice.

Time for a reckoning
“President Trump seems to have got the number of London's cosmetic mayor as well as those of other lefty loonies in his opening announcement on the way to his three-day state visit.” L.E.
“What we need to know is whether there will be enough prison places for the global warming fraudsters when they start sending people in a public-sector job to gaol for misconduct in a public office by lying to the Great British Public.” R.W.
“That's after they've locked up all the politicians and their minions and the people they're helping to steal from the taxpayer for all the other lies, of course.” P.G.

Skull Exits
Despite Brexit, Labour's enforced austerity and Labour moaning, there seems to be plenty of dosh sloshing around. Hence a huge increase in the amount of dosh that young people have been spending on drugs. Hence hospital admissions for drug abuse increasing fourfold since 2000.

Cheeky buggers!
Surprise! Secret societies which the government has proscribed as a threat to the security of the nation are taking no bloody notice and carrying on recruiting new members and holding meetings for the comrades.

Trade unions are checking to see if they can mug UEFA if the mega-rich football organization exploits unpaid labour during the Euro 2020 competition instead of paying the going rate for the jobs done.

On yer bike, mate!
How do you divorce the ghost of a pirate, who died 300 years ago? The woman, who claimed the 'marriage' went off in 2016 and turned nasty, chose to resort to an exorcist rather than the courts to get the job done.
“Non-consummation? That would have worked.” L.E.

Arteries okay, kidneys floating?
Artery experts reckon it's safe to drink 25 cups of coffee per day without risking damage to them. We're now waiting for the views of kidney experts on making them process 5½-6 litres of extra fluid per day.

Typical EbloodyU—me, me, me and grab, grab, grab
The soon to be dismissed EbloodyC president, J.-C. Druncker, is moaning because he doesn't get a free mansion to infest. That's despite being paid £350K plus all the perks and extra benefits. Even though he's not a proper president of a country, he thinks he should have a presidential palace. And, no doubt, a presidential wine cellar of epic proportions paid for by other people.

So much for three score years and ten
It is truly amazing how many old blokes who survived the D-Day and subsequent campaigns are still around to mark the 75th anniversary of the landings in Normandy, given that they are all in their 10th or 11th decade. They really bred them tough in the tough old inter-war years. They have to be to stand up to all the messing about to which they are subjected by posturing politicians.

Nasty is as nasty does
The Labour party is finding it impossible to pick candidates for political jobs who do not have solid anti-Semitic credentials or an unfortunate past. So it has decided to give up trying.
“Same with candidates who are sex pests. If they have the right connections, family or otherwise, there's no suspension, no investigation and Labour just shrugs its collective shoulders.” D.P.
“They have the advantage of knowing that no matter how nasty and evil they get, they'll never be sent to gaol because the current policy of the Tories is to let nasty bastards out of gaol as soon as possible on licence, and not put them back inside if they breach the terms of the licence.” B.N.
“And the advantage of knowing Labour would do exactly the same if the country ever went collectively insane enough to vote them into office.” V.B.
“The Tories in the pocket of WahWey—any more disgraceful than New Labour being in everyone's pocket?” R.W.

Majority verdict
What the opinion polls are telling us at the moment is that there is a growing feeling in the country that it doesn't matter what sort of Brexit we have (or Bremain) because our current collection of politicians, who have been faffing around for the last three years, will fuck it up no matter what form it takes.

Former prime monster John Major is to blame for depriving of compensation, the people who were cynically and knowingly given contaminated blood products by the NHS.

Welcome to the 21st century
A murderer—a bloke claiming to be a woman—gets himself sent to a women's prison and starts shagging one of the real female inmates. The governor is reported to have 'gone up the wall' on being told. Which raises embarrassing questions about the governor's competence, at the very least, for not anticipating this outcome.

Even more from the experts
If you're clever enough to get into Eton, the education you get, in terms of exam grades, will be no better than what you would have had at a state sector comprehensive, which doesn't charge £43K per year.
    But you probably meet a better class of Flashman at Eton.

Standing out from the crowd
In an era when political parties are defined by what outsiders claim they don't like—all Jews in the case of Labour and Islamist terrorism supporters in the case of the Tories—the Liberals are different.
    They are defined as the party which doesn't mind having gropers and child molesters in its ranks.

Pointless posture
What is the point of parking some BBC stooge (well) outside Buck House at 11 p.m.? No one cares that he's there rather than in a studio somewhere else for his voice-over.
    In reality terms, he's as absent as O.J. and Berko.
“Trump's problem is that he hasn't murdered enough people to be a pal of Corbyn, Watson, Khan and all the rest.” D.P.

Unity is strength, not diversity
“The thing to remember is that London is full of foreigners and people in hock to foreigners and BBC beauties, and not at all representative of Britain.” L.M.

The C21 Dictionary
muderate (n)
London's current mayor, to whom too much has stuck for him to be able to conceal his fundamental nastiness any longer. [see also: Corbyn, O.J.]

That heat wave the forecasters were going on about but no one noticed? It was yesterday. Or maybe the day before.

Today's lesson
Roman Ackley offers advice on how to fake having read the Inspector Morse books—that's books rather than novels as there is also a collection of short stories.
    “Probably the best approach is to speculate on how much time Mr. C. Dexter wasted on tracking down the quotations used as chapter headings—seventy or even eighty of them in one case.”

“That the judge who made that ludicrous decision regarding Boris is still in a job tells us all we need to know about the state of the legal trade in Britain.” V.W.

President Trump turned down a chance to meet O.J. Corbynski during his state visit? No bloody wonder!
“Corbyn wants to change the world, but not for the better. His ambition is to steal everything and turn the population into serfs—New Labour's benefits culture on steroids. Everything—cash, land, former personal property—will become the property of the State and available to be plundered at will by Corbyn and his crooked mates.” R.W.
“He'll have found Nigel Farage much more convivial company than old misery guts Corb.” D.S.

Embrace your fate, people!
Xtinction is the new black—all gloom and doom. The snoflakes reckon gorbal warming will see them off. Boris reckons failing to deliver Brexit will wipe out the Tories.
    But in the midst of all this, we had O.J. Corbynski rabble-rousing against President Trump and looking like he was psyching himself up to invade Poland and start World War III. Which would definitely put the pesky human race on the road to o'blivion.
    But on the up side, Xtinction of humans would give The Planet a bit of peace after the explosions from the bombs die away and we all want to Save The Planet, don't we?

Land for the Many, Controlled by the Few in the Labour Party, All Taxed to the Hilt.

A wasted life?
A self-proclaimed expert on the Loch Ness monster has concluded that Nessie does not exist. Which misses the point entirely. Nessie is like God—a concept rather than an actuality—a concept which the 'expert' has clearly failed to grasp.

A concern only for the rich and Mandelsleazes
The new plastic £50 note will contain negligible amounts of tallow, which means that immigrants from the planet Vegan will be unable to consume them, as for lesser denomination notes.
    The alternative to tallow is to use palm oil, which is much more costly and drives environmentalists absolutely mental.

The D of the Day rumbles on
“It was very nice of President Trump to offer to advise the Irish teashop on building his wall along the border with Northern Ireland!” C.B.
“No doubt O.J. joined the German contingent at the D-Day eve commemoration in Portsmouth to express his solidarity with Britain's enemy back then.” W.D.
“Did miserable old Corby actually turn up at the D-Day event? Or did he refuse to be associated with Tory triumphalism over a British victory?” N.M.
“Oh, dear! Labour's carnival of raspberry blowing on Tuesday was pretty much rained off. Only the most rabid storm troopers turned up to make up in viciousness for lack of numbers.” L.H.G.
“Labour is the party of balance. Its zero-tolerance policy on racialism and sexual assaults is balanced by a zero-action policy on investigations.” L.E.
“Total and utter surprise that Labour wasn't washing its hair during the D-Day commemoration to avoid having to commit to Democracy, Tolerance and the Rule of Law.” J.S.
“Don't let's be Beastly to the Germans. It's true that enough of them swallowed Nazism to let Hitler & Co. take power for 12 years. But right here, enough people swallowed New Labour to give Tony B. Liar & Co. 13 years in charge. And, no doubt, O.J. is hoping to get his poisonous creed swallowed in a sufficient dose.” R.W.
“Of course, the Germans were at the D-Day do. There wouldn't have been a D-Day without them!” A.G.

Today's Web Quiz questions:
1. Which Shakespeare play is the home of the quotation which provided the title of the final Inspector Morse novel?
2. In which Inspector Morse novel is the above quotation offered as the heading for Chapter 34?
Answers tomorrow.

Labour-controlled Greater Manchester has lost one-third of its former Green Belt areas to development. So much for Labour's pretence to have Green credentials.

As a result of vigorous weeding out the no-hoper candidates, the Tory succession list has been reduced to . . . Boris de Pyramid de Pfeffel.

Answers to yesterday's Web Quiz questions:
1. Henry IV, Part II
2. The Daughters of Cain

Atheists triumphant
The Democrats in America are pursuing a vigorous deGodifying agenda in public life. The latest brainstorm is to remove “so help me God” from the U.S. House of Representatives oath, which witnesses must take when testifying before those congressional committees which are currently under Democrap control.

Much to the surprise of everyone, the Mexican president is making noises about plugging his borders to avoid the steadily increasing tariffs, which President Trump made noises about precisely to provoke this response..

Recycled scam
Rejected presidential candidate A. Gore became a self-appointed expert on global warming and made a fortune out of carbon trading schemes. Rejected presidential candidate H. Clinton is currently going down the same road, even though she will acquire the carbon footprint of a medium-size country from all the flying and conferencing and self-promotion involved.

Sad, but it's not a perfect world
A Capitalist makes money by being inventive and exploiting weaknesses in the system and people.
A Communist makes money by killing people and robbing the corpses.
If you don't approve, blame God. Or blame O.J. Corbynski, who thinks he's God.

Bad people go crazy
According to a criminal psychologist, it is perfectly normal to want to kill one's boss, or someone else in a position of authority, or even anyone at all, if you have had a bad hair day.
    We are now awaiting a rival expert opinion from a psychology expert who isn't a criminal.
A study in the US has found that fantasizing about acts of violence is bad for one's mental health. We're now waiting for the results of the study which proves the exact opposite.

“That mental health thing certainly explains the bloated baby lookalike Harpy, who was doing the looney left Nazi rant on Tuesday at an old bloke who thinks President Trump is an okay guy.” U.C.

Public health in action
The NHS official nanny, Dame S. Davies, has come up with the bright idea of making NHS staff who refuse to have a free-to-them flu jab wear a badge to let customers choose to avoid contact with them.

The Boris-bashing attempt over the Brexit bus has been thrown out of the High Court. Let us hope that the Lord Chancellor does the same to the judge, who let the time be wasted.
[Fat chance. Ed.]

Blinding flash of revelation
People have been going to gaol for millions of years and getting out again. But it has taken the experts until this year to work out that releasing bad guys (and gals) on a Friday, knowing that support services will be closed over the weekend, shoves them back into temptation. And then back into gaol. Which keeps the prison industry going, of course.
“All the time and taxpayers' cash used to find out the above has been wasted. The current justice guy, D. Gauke, is doing his best to abolish prisons.” D.S.
“And don't the unions really love him!” N.M.

There's Boris, and there's everybody else.

+ + + Chunky What's-his-face picks another bunch of losers + + + Binned loser Labour for No Chance UK, the Bremoaner party + + + Now he's a Liberal loser + + + He'll do anything for a bit of attention + + + the Green losers next if the Liberals don't make him their leader? + + +
“V. Cable, the soon to be discarded Liberal leader, has really lost it if he really does think that Chunky Umunna is a 'formidable and serious political figure'.” J.T.

Here's a wonderful story!
It seems that the eruption of Indonesia's Mount Tamora in 1815 put so much ash into the atmosphere that 1816 was officially The Year Without A Summer, crops failed and there was famine and a lack of horses. Cue Baron Karl Von Drais inventing a prototype of the bicycle to allow people to get around.
    The device didn't have pedals and it was propelled by foot-power, like the hobby/dandy horse. Even though the inventor could manage 4½ km/hour on his Laufmachine, not many people were interested in it—mainly because the roads were in a terrible state and having to push the thing uphill was a pain.
    Worse, things returned to normal in 1817 and there were horses again in abundance.

Boris rumbles on . . .
Despite getting 114 million votes in the first round of the Tory leadership race, the Anyone But Boris lobby is still determined to Brexit him.
    It has been calculated that they would need to persuade 153,206 members of the Conservative & Unionist Party to quit to have any hope of doing it with a façade of legitimacy.
“Was that really only the first round of voting for the next Tory leader? The whole thing seems to have been dragging on for ages. But weeding out the 'absolutely no hope in this or any other universe' candidates to get down to 10 of them didn't count as a round, apparently.” M.R.
“What a bog-up that vote was. Mainly because of the ridiculous threshold for elimination—just 5½% of the 313 Tory MPs. If they'd made it 15% or 47 votes, that would have got the whole thing done in one foul swoop. And if they'd made the threshold 20% or 63 votes, that would have concentrated minds even more thoroughly.” R.W.
“Vajid Javid's problem is that he behaves too much like a spiv to be mistaken for someone with authority and gravitas.” E.P.

Flying without the danger? Maybe!
Skydiving simulators, popular in the United States, have come Spain. Well, there's one in the village of Campillos in Malaga province.
    Most of the ones in the States have a safety cage to contain the floater in the blast zone above a vertically mounted wind generator. There is no safety cage visible in photographs used to promote the one in Spain, which means that the instructor who accompanies each flyer, @ €60 a pop, needs to be bloody good at the job.

WEEK 2

 
You just knew this would happen
The proposal of a Straight Pride Parade in Boston provoked howls of outrage on anti-social meeja from the mayor, the acting community and the algae boutique tendency. It took the filing of a discrimination complaint against the city; and the city's lawyers advising the city fathers that they were on a hiding to nothing; to force the bigots to shrink back into their holes.
“I wonder if there's any truth to the story that a Short-Sighted Pride Parade ended up in the harbour where the tea was dumped by the revenue dodgers as a protest against a tax CUT, which would cut their profit margin.” R.W.

Spot the weasel word
No asteroids have been detected which are on a collision course with Earth in the next 100 years, the experts tell us.
    But all the rocks out there haven't been charted and Jupiter's proximity to the Asteroid Belt and all that gravity means that orbits can change.
    Collisions also change orbits. And the arrival of cosmic visitors like comets. Thus there is still a chance that The Planet will be saved from humans in the next 10 decades.

Forward into the new century [like backward is an option Ed.]
What to do with the old Pacer trains? which are being put out to grass after centuries of faithful service (it seems like). One suggestion is to put them out to grass literally—deposit them in the equivalent of an American trailer park and convert them into residences for the citizens of the Northern Poorhouse.

The big question of the day is which PR genius told the Tory leadership contenders to out themselves as dope-heads because it will make them seem more interesting.
“Meanwhile, we're all waiting for a Tory hopeful to threaten to kidnap the first-born of all the nasty bastards who are blocking Brexit as his/her prime pitch point!” B.N.

Official! Britain is now so prosperous that 10% of the population are so unworried about being ripped off that they never use cash.

Trump—the best ever
President Trump's state visit to Britain was wonderful. It was easily the best visit every by a foreign head of state. Xcluding O.J. Corbynski from the main events is seen as contributing significantly to the success of the visit.

London's stone cold loser of a mayor thinks that everyone will fall over and worship him if he imposes a 20 mph speed limit on an area where the average traffic speed is 7 mph on a good day.
“Maybe he should be limited to 20 minutes of meeja access per month to make sure he has something worth saying before he opens his gob.” C.R.

Today's Joke: Wolfie Corbynski knows he'll be in 10 Downing Street quite soon—he's just applied for a job as a cleaner and he's pals with the relevant union boss.

“The big mystery about the D-Day Do's could be why it took 75 years to erect a memorial to the troops who arrived in France on June 6th in 1944 to begin liberating Europe from the Nazis.
    “But that's how long it took to convince our French 'allies' that the monument would not be a danger to the tourist trade in Normandy.” R.W.

Tuff Tactics Triumph
President Trump's threat to impose ascending tariffs on Mexican goods if the government there failed to do something about its porous borders has worked. Mexico is now promising to take strong measures and the tariffs are off the table. For the moment. The ball is now in Mexico's court.

Still with Trump
The current American president has improved relations with every single one of his nation's allies, repairing the damage caused by previous president B. O'Bummer, whose efforts to appease Iran, Russia and other enemies alienated nations which are traditionally friendly to the United States.

All too predictable
A former Member of the Scottish Parliament, who stole over £25,000 from pro-independence groups to spend on personal frivolities, was sent to gaol for 18 months. [Probably 6 months tops actual time served. Ed.] But the wimmin from whom the cash was stolen are up in arms.
    Why? Because the thief is a woman and they don't think female criminals should go to gaol. So much for equality for the sexes.

We're having a bit of rain from time to time, France is being battered by Storm Miguel.

Tolerance failure
The city of Rome is pondering making acts of cultural misappropriation an arrestable offence. The city parents are having a severe attack of the hump over tourists dressing up, e.g. as a centurion or a senator from the city's glory days, and making nuisance of themselves, and a mess, at ancient monuments.
“No doubt it will be the death penalty for anyone who dresses up as a centurion and adds a Red Indian war bonnet to top off the outfit!” E.B.

Peonies, with their huge water-trapping potential, face a tough time over the next few days, for which a good battering from torrential rain is forecast. Maybe time to snip one that's fully open and bring it indoors for some appreciation?

“Would someone mention to Prince Charles that he doesn't need to lie awake at night, worrying about loss of biodiversity. Nature is very creative and as species die out, others evolve and move in to the vacated territory.
    “Think dinosaurs and mammals.” B.H.

"Fill, but not as we kno it, Jum."
India is boasting that its largest landfill site, which covers 70 acres and stands 213 feet high at present, will top the 239 feet height of the Taj Mahal by 2020.
    But before the New Delhi town council gets on the phone to the Guinness Book of Records, maybe the members should start to ask themselves how something that tall qualifies as landfill."

Canadian Cruncher
Starting from pole position, S. Vettel (German) was hoping to end the Ferrari F1 win drought. Shock, horror! though. He went off the track, did some grass-tracking back on to the course and forced Louie Samilton (British) to stand on his brakes.
    Vettel was first across the finishing line but he had collected a 5-second time penalty for his Schumacher Manoeuvre and had to settle for second place behind the British driver, who was only a second or so behind him.
   The blue air around his Ferrari during the slow-down lap confirmed that Vettel was mightily MPD.

“ If he's feeling really cynical and Corbyn, Tory leadership hopeful M. Gove can claim that his cokehead past gives him a unique life experience, which his rivals cannot offer!” R.W.

Red Lunacy
Labour thinks that limiting people to a working week of just 10 hours and cutting pay by 75% will prevent the climate from changing.
    One thing that it will do is cut Britain's foreign aid budget to £0 billion because the economy will crash and burn.

Message for Vajid Javid: Britain doesn't need a cosmetic, non-white leader. Britain needs a leader who can do the job without posturing, waving virtue flags and playing the race card.

The BBC has eliminated terrorism by banning the use of the word 'terror' in its broadcasts. Cute or what!!

Another Warmist con job
Shock, horror! Electric cars are not green! Their brakes and tyres produce just as huge amounts of toxic microparticles as any proper car, and the power they drink in from the mains in order to operate ain't necessarily all that green either.

Foreign Sec. Jeremy, whose surname BBC stooges can't handle, has picked as his Tory leadership campaign manager, the bloke whose strategy lost the 2017 general election for TheRazor May . . .
“Given the presently prevalent WahWey Effect, should not J. Hunt be ruled out of the Tory leadership contest for having a Chinese wife? Even though he pretends she's Japanese.” R.W.

Q: Give the last wooden sailing ship built in Hamburg (in 1883) a €1.5 million face-lift and what happens?
A: It hits a container ship on the river Elbe and sinks.

The BBC has done a Gordon F. Broon. Instead of getting its finances under control, it has stolen the free TV licence from the over-75s.

Today's piece of information: NARCOTIZING DYSFUNCTION is the human propensity to substitute knowing for doing.
[Found on a scrap of paper which someone had been using as a bookmark. Ed.]

BoJo doing a bodged job?
Is it possible that Boris is deliberately making a bog of his leadership campaign because he has realized just how much external income he would have to give up for a prime minister's £150K plus whatever can be fiddled in the way of expenses?
    The figure 700 grand per year is being tossed about.

Something worth repeating . . .

Surprise! The EbloodyU is confident that it can keep up the flow of Irish goods to the Continent via England no matter what sort of Brexit we have. Which proves that all the crap about the backstop is just routine nastiness from the EbloodyU.

How to lie by telling only selected bitz of the truth
600 plant species have become Xtinct in the last 250 years, the experts reckon, and an unknown number have come and gone in the same time period.
    This revelation was accompanied by some guff about how plants put oxygen into the atmosphere, implying that we're all going to be gasping for breath very shortly. [Apart from the incredibly rich and MPs, of course. Ed.]
    Curiously, there was nothing at all on how many oxygen-producing new species have appeared to fill the niches created in the last 250 years but, of course, that's not something that fits in with the Warmists' agenda.

Good News on the care for the elderly front: Thanks to the BBC, they won't end up unwanted in a basic care home. They'll all receive care out of the community in one of Her Majesty's prisons, banged up for not having a TV licence.

Hustings News
That limerick about the young man from Hong Kong—it's about M. Gove, according to yesterday's revelations in the Daily Mail—whose emolient cream correspondent rejoices in the wonderfully French name of Gemma Fromage.

“Just what makes TheRazor May think the rest of the world will follow Britain's dive over the cliff to a wrecked economy in the name of zero greenhouse gas emissions by 2050? If the old girl thinks that's a legacy worth having, she has finally gone doolally.” C.O.

Despite Labour's enforced austerity, Brexit and the obstructionism of the EbloodyU's Sieg-Heilarchy, Britain is in the throes of a jobs miracle—it's official!

More from the experts—letting kids try out alcoholic drinks turns them into potential binge boozers.

Rapid Reaction Forces
The truly amazing thing about the world today is how quickly a rent-a-mob can be out performing for the cameras. One day, the BBC steals the free TV licence from pensioners. The next, they're out and about with banners and everything doing a mass protest and blocking roads.
“At least you know that most of them are not skiving off work for their meeja exposure.” R.W.
“What, exactly, does Gary bloody Lineker DO for his two hundred million quid?” J.C.
“How curious that the banner-waving oldies were in the papers but the BBC didn't have much about them on its news.” T.C.

Refuge for the Many, thanks to the Few
Europe is filling up with refugees from South America, especially from Corbynist paradises like Venezuela, where the government's policy is giving the citizens an environment like those enjoyed in places like Syria, Yeme, Iran, Iraq and Afghanistan. Many are heading for Spain, which gave their native land its language, rather than here; to the relief of all the migrants from the East.

Q: How do you avoid gaol after being arrested and convicted of a £60,000 fraud?
A: Arrange to be identified as female, non-white of foreign extraction and a magistrate yourself. Works every time.

Q: How do you get away with murdering your brother?
A: Claim he was a CIA agent. Worked for Kim Jong-un.

“O.J. Corbynski is just like Gordon F. Broon—he believes in stealing from the many, not the few; money, property, even stuff that's nailed down. Nothing is safe from the commie klepto.” D.S.

Q: What is responsible for all the torrential rain, which is drowning everywhere but the North-West of England?
A: Gorbal Warming.

“Vajid Javid isn't doing himself any favours by kicking up a stink over not being invited to the state banquet with President Trump, where space was limited. No one is going to vote for someone with this big a sense of entitlement.” S.O.

Canadian Crunch is back today—in Canada, that is. The Canadian Football League kicks off another season at half-past midnight on Friday here.

Today's Wisdom: What the wasteful government machine needs is fewer Morons and more Lessons.
“Same for schools.” R.W.

Just a suggestion . . .
Maybe the Daily Mail should be in government as the state's moral compass. It seems to be very good at running campaigns which shame politicians in to doing something useful for a change.

The BBC licence grab will affect women more than men as they have the temerity to live longer than the more fragile sex.

WEEK 3

 
The air remains tepid
Stet Devretner, our meeja correspondent, writes:
It's all very well to claim that free speech is for everyone but that is just not true. Lefty twerps, no matter how repellent, can get away with anything at all, no matter how vile.
    Everyone else is rousted for hate crimes and no platformed, no matter how trivial and inoffensive (to a real person) their remark.
    If lefty twerps got the same treatment, might not we be able to enjoy a period of blessed silence and freedom from wibble? A consummation devoutly to be wish'd!! Not that it is ever likely to happen, given the current state of society.

If anyone wants to chuck a milk shake, or something smellier, at lefty twerp J. Brand, they'll have a target which is difficult to miss.
“If J. Brand is to be lynched [rather than lunched Ed.], let us make sure it's for the right crime—for being a hypocrite with appalling taste and a disgrace to the human race.” C.T.

This Gorbal Warming has a lot to answer for— like almost a tornado rampaging across the poor old Isle of Wight. [The funnel never actually reached the ground and it was there and gone with just enough time to get a phone out to snap it. Ed.]

53 Commonwealth leaders have ganged up to sabotage an attempt by Baroness Scrounger of Scotland to blag another 4 years as their Sec.Gen. Her ladyship is notorious for blowing vast amounts of taxpayers' money—but then, she is a former Labour minister and so the Xtra charges of cronyism (doing favours for pals at other people's expense) come as no surprise.

Ferrari's claim to have lodged an appeal against the penalty imposed on their driver Vettel (German) for almost Schumachering Louie Samilton (British) in Montreal has turned out to be just hot air.

President Trump is a breath of fresh air, a blowtorch among the dull waxworks who are the usual suspects of politics.
    Discuss.

How did they ever get that reputation?
Canadians are supposed to be really nice people. Which makes it all the more strange that their football league, the CFL, decided that it was necessary to include discretionary penalties of the loss of 25 yards of territory for extreme crimes as an alternative to the previous maximum loss of 15 yards.
    All became clear on the opening day of the 2019 season, when the Hamilton Tiger-Cats gave up 2 of the ultraviolence penalties and gifted the visiting Saskatchewan Roughriders a touchdown from their first drive.
    But the Cats managed to send the visitors' starting quarterback to the locker room with a concussion after just three plays. And went on to batter the second string QB out of the match on the way to their victory.

That's a pretty extreme way to dodge all the bitching and back-biting of the Tour de France—crashing into a wall and putting yourself in hospital for 6 weeks! But we suppose former winner Chris Froome knows what he's doing.

No more Mike Reilly at Edmonton? How can this be!! Any connection with the team's outbreak of fumbleitis? Still, the Eskimos threw away a 17-point lead over the Alouettes and still managed to get the job done, despite the second-string quarterback doing as good a job for Montreal as the starter. A monster day for T. Harris, Mr. Reilly's replacement, and their main running back kept the Eskimos looking like winners.

The EblooodyU has put its money on Britain not being able to get out of the EbloodyU this year.

Will Iran manage to raise the price of oil enuf to offset the effects of sanctions on the rogue regime via terror attacks on oil tankers in the Gulf of Oman? At least clashing with the US deflects the attention of its citizens from the dire state of affairs within the religious dictatorship.

Hong Kong says No! to giving up its independent judiciary and putting its citizens at the mercy of the sinister commie waxworks on the mainland and their sinister court system.

‘Not us, Gov' culture
Despite the fine words from 'Elf Sec. M. Hancock, the NHS is still locked in cover-up mode. That is the only conclusion to be drawn from how long it took for truth about the recent listeria poisonings and deaths to come out.

The US Secretary of State, M. Pompeo, has revealed that Britain under a commie Corbynski Labour government would have roughly the same status as Iran.
“No surprise that O.J. Corbynski is on the side of the terrorist state Iran. As an alcoholic can't walk past a pub, he can't resist shaking a bad guy's hand, especially if there's someone with a camera to record the event.” D.R.

Oh, dear! The experts have found that fat people can't blame their condition on their genes. They're fat because they eat way more than they need to.

Bad hats everywhere
Is it good to know that ministers in the Scottish parliament can be as deceitful and in denial to the same extent as their counterparts in Westminster?
    Nope. Confirmation that politicians everywhere in the UK are useless is grounds for a revolution.

Planet Saver!
According to a survey by a tea firm, 58% of their respondents think just drinking tea could make a difference to the world. Our Science Correspondent, Knoh Witall, comments:
    “When you consider the calorie content of tea with no milk or sugar or any other additive, it's a great recipe for getting rid of the human race by starving the buggers to death. That would definitely make a significant difference to the world.”

The usual all-change between seasons in Canada has put Mike Reilly in a BC Lions' uniform and added the spectacular wide receiver Duron Carter to his offensive line-up.
    Some electric play by the Lions in their season opener got them level at 14-all just before half-time and then ahead via a field goal. How ironic that a botched convert attempt left them unable to manage better than 2nd place against the Blue Bombers after 4 quarters.

The president of the World Jewish Congress has called for Jews globally to take to the streets to combat antisemitism. Oh.J. Corbynski and his miserable mates had better watch out!

Law Avoidance
They're not bothered about theft or burglary. Most police farces now chose to ignore the activities of those who grow and consume cannabis. Is there anything the police actually DO these days?
[Apart from keeping roads closed forever at the site of a road traffic incident. Ed.]
“No surprise that the Liberal party is all in favour of ignoring drug laws.” D.S.
“The Home Office expects chief constables to enforce drug laws. Maybe if Vajid Javid made it clear that they will be fired for misconduct in a public office—and no pension—if chief constables don't enforce the law, that will persuade them to do the job they're paid to do.” A.F.

Surprise that the Environment Agency is getting the blame for the floods in Lincolnshire? Not really. That's what outfits like the E.A. do—bugger up the environment.

“It's more than time that foot-dragging civil servants and others on the public payroll were deprived of the we don't comment on individual cases excuse for covering up inaction and botched jobs.” A.G.

Not a good enuf Xcuse
A. Leadsom is blaming her failure to attract votes in the Tory leadership contest on the party not wanting another female figurehead right after its TheRazor May Xperience. But in these crazy times, there was nothing to stop her identifying as male to get around the road-block. Which makes the failure due to her lack of imagination rather than the fault of everyone else.

How did Labour manage to win the by-election in Peterborough to replace their sacked perjurer? The local police are currently investigating even more complaints of postal voting fraud perpetrated by the migrant community.

“Two million out on the streets in Hong Kong at the weekend to show their contempt for an arrogant and insincere political leader? Antisemitic, grab-everything O.J. Corbynski should be able to beat that easily.” C.L.

“I was totally gobsmacked to read that as recently as 80 years ago, it was possible to watch a criminal have his head whacked off by a guillotine at a public execution in France. So much for their claims to be civilized!” L.F.

The Grey Cup rematch in Calgary started with the home team socking it to the accident-prone visitors from the nation's capital. But the Ottawa RedBlacks bounced back and set us wondering if they would be able to hang on to a surprise lead for the last 1:15 on the clock.
    In the CFL, no lead is safe but anything is possible—and the RedBlacks did indeed manage to pull off their first ever win in Calgary with a pick in goal with 5 seconds to go. 32-28 final for the visitors!

Envy of the world or a death machine?
Once again, the deficiencies of the people running the NHS have been exposed. Safety standards for food supplied to hospitals are lower than those for foods sent to supermarkets—no excuse for that. And the advice not to give sandwich packs to the elderly and those with a depressed immune system without a doctor's approval was reversed—no excuse for that either.
    Contaminated blood kills. Contaminated food kills. Place your bets on what will be next.

Londonistan—too close to the truth for comfort
Foreign Sec. and Tory leadership hopeful J. Hunt has upset the twerps on Twitter by sharing President Trump's disapproval of London's cosmetic mayor, who has the support of fellow Pakistani bus driver's son Home Sec. Vajid Javid.

It's only taxpayers' money
The BBC has blown £32 MILLION on setting up a BBC Scotland TV channel. Opened in February, it has managed to achieve an audience rating of ZERO!
    Worse, the Beeb was warned that there was no demand for the channel long before the twerps in charge decided to go ahead with it.

A definite loser, tactics-wise
Vajid Javid playing the 'poor me' card? Hardly a vote-winner in the Tory party's beauty pageant. It's all very well claiming that he can't do public speaking because he didn't go to a posh school, but that just won't wash. It's something for which lessons can be had. That he has chosen not to learn this art is . . . his choice.

Business retirement plan
Failing Mexican drug cartel leaders have hit on a cute way to get into the United States. They provoke rivals who are about to put them out of business into a gun battle at the US border, cross over and claim asylum, rat out all their rivals in return for a 'stay out of gaol' card and live out the rest of their days in luxury somewhere in God's Country.

A Broadway play based on the lives of the appalling Bill and Hillary Clinton has become a Broadway flop very quickly. "The people don't want to know", is the explanation.

DENIAL NEWS

 
The Russian mass murderers, who shot down Malaysia Airlines flight MH17 over Ukraine five years ago and killed around 300 people, have been named but not shamed as, being Russians, they have no shame. And being Russians hiding in Russia, they are in no danger of being hauled before the court in Holland for next year's trial.

The Crown Prince of Saudia has been named as a person of interest in the murder of journalist J. Khashoggi @ the Saudi consulate in Turkey last October.

The Pentagon has published video of Iranian irregulars removing a failed limpet mine from the side of a Japanese tanker in the Gulf of Oman. Another mine worked and breached the hull. The Iranians, of course, are denying everything.
Maybe this makes sense in the weird world of politics, but Iran is defiantly treaty-busting and producing enough bomb-grade uranium to be classed as a rogue state—and claiming this as grounds for not being classed as a rogue state.

The BBC is denying that it made a total bog of last night's beauty contest for five Tory leadership hopefuls.

O.J. Corbynski is expected to deny that there are any circumstances under which he would be prepared to take Britain's side against any of our enemies. [Manymies? Ed.]

Equality is just a variety of tokenism
ITV has stopped commissioning comedy scripts from all-male teams of writers on spurious gender equality grounds. Which means that blokes have to prove their ingenuity by using such ploys as claiming that their tea lady (or someone's mum) is part of the team, a bloke claiming he identifies as a female, using a gender non-specific name like Evelyn or Leslie, ect., ect.

Good news for the country's spivs
Everyone with a mental health issue will become eligible for a Blue Badge and freedom from parking charges. The really good news is that the Xemption will also apply to people with hidden disabilities @ the end of August—even if the disability is so well hidden that the experts can't work out what it is.

Chauvinism can be a friend
A bloke walked in to a pub and ordered a drink which was priced @ 20% off for women as a virtue flagging gesture. He was refused a chance to pay the lower price until he told the bar staff he identified as female. He then got his drink.
    After that success, he got really cute by sueing the brewery in a small claims court, which awarded him a grand for the hurt feelings caused by having to lie about his sex. Not so much beating the system as smashing it down to small, shapeless fragments!

“The grandmother who tangled with the escort of a royal road convoy was lucky it happened in this country. If it had been China, North Korea or Russia, she'd have been shot as a saboteur.” V.L.

Natural selection in action: the experts have decided that e-cigs will probably kill off most of the people who have bought the propaganda message that they are harmless.

Jobbing Inaction: One day's work per week is all that is needed to keep us healthy, the experts have concluded. As for wealthy and wise—forget it unless you're lucky enough to be plugged in to O.J.'s Magic Money Forest.

Russia is using computer-created images of idea women to bait its honey traps on auntysocial and commercial meeja. So that's even more job security for the people who screen out fake identities!

The EbloodyU has banned Germany from imposing an autobahn-use fee on foreign drivers as it discriminates against citizens of other member states.
[And violates their 'uman bluddy rights? Ed.]

SNAFU @ the Beeb
The BBC is in trouble again for the usual—anti-Tory bias via putting them perched on silly chairs and using a rigged set of questions for this week's 5-way beauty contest. Not that the waxworks will take a blind bit of notice. They consider it part of life's diversity pattern to be uniformly anti-Tory.
“No surprise that Tory voters were excluded from a show 'n' tell TV show featuring five candidates for the leadership of the Tory party.” C.R.
“The bias extends to the website [surprise! Ed.] where the pictures of the four remaining Tory leadership candidates includes one of Boris looking windswept and his rivals in studio poses.” R.W.

“He said it in double Dutch but still no one believed that particular prime minister when he claimed that the creation of a Europeon superstate is now off the agenda among the EbloodyU bosses. Just how stoopid does he think we are? Clue: a huge amount.” E.S.

Danish Xtinctionists tell their government what they think of the latest preposterous greenhouse gas emission targets

"When will you do the right thing and call a general election?" wails the Labour stooge.
    "When you stop beating your wife," responds the astute candidate.

“How many batteries would have to sacrifice themselves to damp down Djo Brand?” H.B.

“Rory Stewart presented himself in the BBC 'debate' as a kind of Tory Corbynski—'unspun, quirky, authentic and trustworthy', we were told. One small problem; none of the four qualities applies to O.J.” R.W.

Another of life's mysteries
How do you make £1,800,000,000 from an online video game which is allegedly 'free to play'?
    Clearly a case of 'free, but not as we know it, Jim'.

Climate of cluelessness
The National Audit Office has come up with yet another statement of the bleedin' obvious. Apparently, the waxworks in charge of distributing overseas aid don't have a clue whether it does any good, whether the taxpayer gets value for money and how much is stolen by corrupt foreigners and British professionals in the aid trade.

Manchester will have to call in firemen from Merseyside if there is another terrorist attack as the specialist unit in Manchester has been disbanded as a result of trade union intransigence and wage demands.

Life Eternal: "I've had that tin of corned beef for ages. I wonder if it's still okay? Expires in June . . . 2023. Okay, why was I worrying?"

"What do you do if you're busted for something and the cops have you bang to rights?"
    "Claim you have mental health issues and you shouldn't be sent to gaol."

The NHS has appointed a knife crime tsar. That should put a stop to it.

BA pilots plan to save the planet from Xtinction by going on summer strike over pay and reducing the amount of air traffic. But it won't do anything about the increased amount of hot air spouting from frustrated luvvies.

President Trump has made curing diseases, including cancer, a priority for his next term in the White House.

Most rough sleepers are foreigners polluting our streets, the experts have found.

Gove played the victim card (boo, hiss, shame!) after his eviction from the Tory beauty contest, which is now down to Boris (loud cheers!) and the other Jeremy, whose name the waxworks at the BBC can't get right. (Did you really say that?!?)

WEEK 4

 
Worth a try
"What would you have done with that pushy woman who gate-crashed the do at the Mansion House, Minister?"
    "Put her in a deep, dark hole until she developed some manners. Along with whoever was in charge of security at the Mansion House."
“Yob is backward boy and slag is backward gals. This cannot be a coincidence.” G.B.

The Democraps are desperately worried that President Trump won't declare war on Iran and give them an excuse to moan their heads off and throw a mega-wobbly.
“Shooting down a US drone operating over international waters in the Persian Gulf area has done wonders for the price of the oil which Iran is not allowed to sell to civilized countries.” B.C.

Surprise! Boris and the other Jeremy are going to but heads on ITV rather than the BBC. Let us hope they get a decent set without 'make them look like twerps' chairs and some woman who thinks the nation wants to hear her sounding off rather than the inconvenient guests.

MPs have been sub-letting their offices, which are provided by the taxpayer, and keeping the income. Natch, the ones doing it will NOT be named and shamed by the toothless (and gumless?) parliamentary watchdog.

A Home Office mouthpiece has informed the nation that: "We are determined to protect the public by removing Foreign National Offenders who commit criminal offences."
    "Starting when?" that same public is entitled to ask.

“Nobody fails to win a competition; e.g. the one for the leadership of the Tory party; because he/she isn't good enough any more. Now, there has to be a conspiracy and victimhood.” R.W.

A Mr. Careless has been investigated by the police for promoting toxic bonds to mugs. He was released with no charges after a bout of questioning. Maybe he would be well advised to change his name before continuing in the same line of work.

More Bad News: Thought you were safe working just one day per week, as the experts advise? Think again. If you put in a 10-hour shift as your week's work, you'll have a stroke, the experts now reckon.

The government's attempt to make porn sites collect passport details or something similar to verify the age of visitors has crashed and burned because the Ministry responsible has made a bog of it. SNAFU.
The waxworks at another ministry bogged up getting the Speedboat Killer gaoled for bail-jumping. SNAFU Too.

Another head rolls
The good citizens of Brecon & Radnor (well, 19% of them) have ganged up to boot out their MP for expenses fraud. This is definitely a trend to be encouraged. Despite all the alleged reforms, the Westminster Wonders collectively remain as bent as ever.

Justice Sec. D. Gauke, who wants to abolish short prison sentences, had has his nose biffed by the country's most senior criminal judge. [Who is not a criminal himself, we hasten to add. Ed.]
    The judge thinks that removing the danger of gaol just encourages criminals to keep on stealing, assaulting and generally behaving badly. Not a concept a politician can grasp, apparently.

If you want to be ripped off by a holiday car hire firm, head for Ireland, France, Italy, Switzerland or Portugal.

Never the shadow of a hope
The FIA (Ferrari International Assistance) has laughed out of court, the attempt by S. Vettel (Germany) to have set aside, his penalty for attempting the Schumacher (German) Manoeuvre on Louie Samilton (British) in the Montreal (Canadian) Grand Prix.
    Ferrari (Italian), Vettel's team, has been busting a gut to get an appeal heard without shoving millions of dollars into the pocket of some legal-trade shark. Didn't work this time for some unfathomable reason.
Vettel is thought to be bloody lucky to avoid a charge of bringing the sport into disrepute for his petulant displays after the race in Canada. Anyone else from any other team would have been done over good and proper.

They have form for it
The latest conspiracy theory is that the Russians are behind some of the attacks on shipping in the Persian Gulf area to put pressure on their client Iran to remind the Ayatollahs of how few friends they have in the rest of the world. Apart from O.J. Corbynski, of course.

Q: Why isn't a chaperone a bloke as a basic requirement?

Wildfires are becoming more frequent, the experts claim. They also claim that global warming is to blame. Not a mention of more people going into the countryside, many of them careless buggers.

I definitely wouldn't buy that for a dollar
The banks are staging a creeping refusal to handle coins as part of their march toward a branchless culture. They are obviously looking over their shoulders at the concept of the FakeBank, where no one ever has physical possession of money and all the customers can do is circulate pretend cash and hope the whole thing doesn't go belly up and vanish in an instant.
“When CryptoCurrency becomes KleptoCurrency?” R.W.

Easy money; whilst the fad lasts
In these days of austerity caused by the last Labour government's reckless spending, what we need is a law against promulgating fake news confected by a vexatious neighbour.
    If the penalty were set at 4% of the gross income of the offender, we would get either a huge boost to the state's economy or a long period of blessed silence.

More cash for the lawyers
The Frivolous Fraud Office has blown £15M on a failed attempt to do over a Barclays boss for keeping the bank afloat with an injection of cash when all the other big banks were going bust during the reign of Gordon F. Broon, the man who stole your pension.

“If we dropped all the nukes on the Middle East, that would solve a hell of a lot of problems. A huge amount of state-sponsored terrorism eliminated, denuclearization of weapons achieved, most of the world's oil gone, saving us from global warming, no more squabbling over who owns Palestine . . .” B.C.

Brains on hold
Politicians have no connection with the real world? This is confirmed by the actions of the Scottish government, which has decided to close a redundant school. The building has been out of use since August 2016 but instead of closing it as soon as the decision was taken, the bozos in office are waiting to the end of the current school term. The why, of course, is not on offer.

There are actually vegan tartan fabrics on offer now. Raise the virtue flags? Nope, they're made of plastic, which is killing everything on the planet, according to the experts.
    Which confirms that vegans are just as nasty bastards as everyone else!

What do you get when you switch on for BC @ Edmonton? Three-quarters of an hour of women's tennis somewhere Spanish, then the Eskimos getting their asses kicked 5 minutes in to the second quarter and a score of 14-3.
    Things started to go wrong for the bloke in the No. 13 Lion's shirt when there was a TV audience and that score was 17-20 at half time. In the second half, the Eskimos stretched their lead and No. 13 was sacked 3 times early in the fourth quarter.
    Another two sacks with about 5 minutes to go raised the tally to six. 23-39 was the final score, and No. 13 was sacked a total of 7 times. Welcome back to Edmonton, Mike Reilly!

J. Hunt is being severely distressed by B. Johnson's tactic of talking only to Tory party members, the people who elect new leaders, rather than Hunt, who won't be voting for him, and the meeja, who don't have a vote.

“Boris must be desperate to get fixed up in Downing Street to get away from those appalling Bremoaner neighbours. But hey, Stasiland is sarf of the river and Crass War lives there. 'Nuff sed.” W.R.

"Someone who wants to be prime minister should answer questions on anything," sez O.J. Corbynski. But how much does he know about nuclear physics, phantom astronomy, marine archaeology and real life?

O.J. has come up with another plan to shove his hand even deeper into the pockets of feckful property owners to buy more votes from feckless parasites.

The Cats gave the Argos their first match of the new season in T'ronno on Ricky Ray Day—two Grey Cup wins with the Eskimos, two with the Argos, off to the Hall of Fame.
    The Argos coughed up 2 fumble recoveries in the first half, which ended at 20-6 in Hamilton's favour. Things got even worse for the Argos in the second half, which included a missed field goal try being returned for a major by Speedy B!
    The massacre seemed to be heading for a final score of 58-14 but the last play bounced off the intended receiver to the Cats' No. 0 and he hit the goal with 00 on the clock. 64-14 final.
    Ricky Ray had to watch his old team lose by 50 points, but the visitors seem to be reformed characters. No one [on any team] has given away a 25-yard penalty since the two given up by the Cats on opening night to put Mr. Collards of the Roughriders on the sick list.

Not exactly news
Warmist apologists will tell you: "Bizarrely, carbon dioxide is being bought by pubs to put fizz into lager and beer." No, this isn't new technology saving us from gorbal warming. It's been going on for ages. But, of course, the Warmist wouldn't know that.

“Gordon F. Broon sez the UK could split apart if Boris becomes prime minister. As long as he's in the bit that's discarded, and banned from entering Not-Quite-As-Great-As-It-Used-To-Be Britain, we don't bloody care.” R.W.

What do you get when you try to watch the Roughriders in Ottawa? Half an hour of baseball, the first quarter gone and the score 7-9 but about to become 10-9 with a 57-yard field goal. No Mr. Collards for the Riders after being killed by the Cats last week. 24-31 at half time.
    The Riders had their moments. The home team always looked like winners; until the very end. With a score line of 41-44 and 26 seconds left, Saskatchewan's finest had to field an on-side kick to have any hope of a draw with a field goal or a win with a major. But on this occasion, the lead was safe.

Not much of a choice!
"Do helicopters have ejector seats?" a Daily Mail Correspondent enquired.
    Hmmm! That's quite a quandary. Stay aboard a crashing helicopter or fire the ejector seat and be turned into chips by the rotors.
    Not much of a choice, when you think about it.
“They could always have sideways ejecting seats. Which would mean that only those who hit the eject button first will survive as everyone sitting beside the quick ejectors will be turned to toast by the rockets used to blast the seat clear of the crashing chopper.” W.G.

We now have a new 'uman right—which applies only to wimmin, natch. They are now entitled to at least three-quarters of all available storage space for clothes bought on impulse and never worn.

One way forward
Another Grand Prix win for Louie Samilton and the powers that be @ Formula 1 are looking thoughtful whenever someone recalls B. Ecclestone's suggestion of installing rain-simulating sprinklers for use when the 'race' is too boring and processional.

RAF jets were scrambled to intercept a passenger airliner after a demented woman tried to open a door at 30,000 feet then tried to get at the flight deck crew.
    To do what, the jets? Apart from shoot the plane down and kill everyone on it?

Crushed out of existence by the diversity bludgeon
Female athletes in the US are trying to challenge a decision to let pushy males, who choose to identify as female, to enter competitions for women and hoover up all the prizes. Given the state of the virtue industry in God's Country, however, they are unlikely to get very far.
A teenager was kicked out of a class in Aberdeen for daring to tell his teacher that there are only two sexes. The teacher was mocking a website at the time, calling it old fashioned for having only two gender options available. Intolerance is everywhere.

The Mexicans living in Mexico are becoming increasingly intolerant of migrants now that the Trump administration is preventing them from waltzing straight through Mexico to the United States. "Mexico for the Mexicans" is now supported by two-thirds of the natives.

Sanctions, not bombs
President Trump's proportionate response to the Iranian provocation of shooting down a $107M drone which was flying in international airspace has been to apply further financial restrictions, which will cost the Ayatollahs billions of dollars. That's the way to screw 'em.

Coat throughly turned?
Former somebody in Tory ranks, K. Clarke's eagerness to take his gang over to the Corbyn camp to bring down a Conservative government suggests that he's desperate for a peerage, he knows Boris won't give one to a traitor and he's hoping that O.J. will oblige.

AAA-List or delusion?
The names of 60% of Tatler magazine's Top 10 Social Power People/Couples produced blank stares from those consulted as to the value of the list. Of the others on the list, one is a 7-year-old daughter of the Boy Beckham (!!), one works for the BBC doing something, and some of the respondents thought another was something to do with football.
   The top spot is occupied by Mr. & Mrs. Prince William, the only really identifiable ones in terms of what they do for a living.

1 banana: The Department of Health is giving taxpayer's money to cafes which serve miserable portions at fancy prices under the guise of offering healthy food to an obese nation.
2 banana: A BBC producer wants repeats of Dad's Army banned because people watch them in preference to the Beeb's Bremoaner current affairs programmes and they have a subliminal a Brexit message in them!

Intra-party wrangles, no one important killed
The Democrats in the USA have been warned about doing what the news media here tried to do to the Tory leadership contest—turn their rush to shove themselves forward as a presidential candidate into a circular firing squad.
    It’s still early in this political silly season, but the Democraps have been accused of going off the deep end already because there is a big gang of presidential candidates, some of whom have no idea why they’re running, but they are all desperate for any attention whatsoever.
    They are also so hungry for any sort of headline and media message that they will seize any opportunity to invent a phony excuse to stab another Democrap in the back.
    [Yep, it's a very familiar story to those on this side of the Atlantic. Ed.]

It's probably that gorbal warming at it again
Something has gone seriously wrong at Weather Control. The expected 'month's rain in a few hours' will land before the Glastonbury Festival and there will be a 'Saharan' heat wave to dry up all the mud before the stooges, led by Fuk Jon Sno, start to sing their anthem:
    Oh, Jeremy Corbyn, what shall I do?
    I wanted someone sensible but ended up with you!

People who went to the best schools still dominate in the top jobs, the experts have been reassured to find. Which is as it should be despite all the current diversity crap.

British Muttonhead Association
Calling all BMA doctors—if you don't co-operate with charging fees to foreign health tourists, don't expect to be paid for what you do. If you want to wave a virtue flag, you can bloody well do it on your own time.

No one is faster than a speeding Popeye
Athletes who can manage to scoff 9 lbs of spinach per day could gain a performance-enhancing boost of ecdysterone, the experts have decided. Which is why the World Anti-Doping Agency wants capsules containing the same amount of the extracted plant hormone to be banned.

The Warmists aren't daring to claim that the currently expected 'Saharan plume' heat wave is due to man-made gorbal warming, which they falsely claim they can prevent, but everyone knows they'd love to.

Teutonic tactic
Supermarkets in Germany have come up with a beezer wheeze to boost beer sales. The plan involves persuading far-Rightists to organize a music fest, getting the police to confiscate their beer from arriving music fans and getting the locals to buy up all the stocks in the supermarket to prevent the far-Rightists from restocking and lingering.
“From the amount of shaking that the German Chancellor, Angular Mherkel, is doing at the moment, we can make a pretty good guess at where the confishcaked beer is going!” R.W.

According to the Social Metrics Commission, the national overall poverty rate has slumped from 35.5% a decade ago, when Gordon F. Broon was PM of a Labour government, to 22% now.
    O.J. Corbynski intends to put this right and reach at least 50% over the course of his first Parliament.

Boris has had 2 wives. How many has O.J. had?

Tonite's TV @ 21:00: D-Day: the King Who Fooled Hitler—how Elvis worked a miracle of misdirection on the Germans before spearheading the liberation of Yourope.
Tomorrow Nite's TV @ 21:00: E-Day: the King Who Fooled Stalin—how Elvis threw off the yoke of Communism and liberated Eastern Europe from the dead hand of a dictator and his Corbynistas.

Health professionals more interested in ripping off the taxpayer and talking in circles than in doctoring?
The decision of the BMA to play the race card in favour of health tourists freeloading on the NHS proves that even a complete idiot can get a medical degree. And then the Doctors For Freeloaders start moaning about a lack of resources.
    No bloody wonder!

Shock, horror! A nation stunned. The other Jeremy isn't ashamed of being a multi-millionaire through his own efforts.

Q: How do you get out of housework and other domestic obligations?
A: Dash off to the police and make a complaint of controlling behaviour to get your wife or other live-in skivvy busted and hauled into court and ordered to stop persecuting you.

Socialist ruin
Corbynites running local government have failed to collect £1 BILLION of the amount of Council Tax due last year. But hey, as long as their wages and pensions are paid, what the hell? They can always blame their uselessness on The Tory Cutz

The investigators sifting through the ashes in Paris which used to be Notre Dame cathedral have failed to find a smoking cigarette end to blame for the fire.

Despite all the alarmism further south, it's not going to get wonderfully warm Up North this weekend.

The Spanish have come up with a novel means to start wildfires as the Europeon mainland bakes in a Saharan Plume—spontaneous chicken-manure combustion.
   The fire caused by a chicken farm's waste is expected to devastate 20,000 hectares in north-eastern Catalonia but the Asco nuclear plant, which is several kilometres away, is said not to be at risk because the wind is blowing away from the plant, which is on the far side of a river anyway.

The Bremoaner Broadcasting Cult has been caught in the act of faking news by tampering with an alleged documentary featuring Tory leadership candidate B. Johnson.

Archaeologists in Kurdistan/Iraq are quite happy with the local weather as it has given them a chance to explore the ruins of a 3,400-year-old palace, which has emerged from the drought-hit Mosul Dam reservoir. The site was spotted back in 2010 but the fossickers have had to wait almost a decade to get their hands on it.

Public Service Announcement He's been called the Blogger of the Decade His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

WEEK 5

 
Not just Bremoaners
The experts have been investigating British Whinge Culture and found that Millennial Snoflakes are the champions, moaning about everything conceivable for some 15,000 minutes/year. [No sugar, Shirley! Ed.]
    Women find more to grouse about that men and Olympic standard whingers will spend 9% of their whinge quota going on about other people's moans.

"Clued in by Princess Kate"

The total amount of taxpayers' money blown as a result of fraud and blunders by benefits staff rose £300 MILLION last year to a world record £4 BILLION. Something else to thank the Corbynists in and out of the civil service for?

Are there any cigarettes which are not king or superking size? It would appear that people are pretending to smoke less by consuming fewer cigarettes but actually smoking bigger ones.

Penalties on the Eskimos was the story of the first quarter of their match in Winnipeg. No touchdowns in the first half for the visitors but they reached 12-14, thanks to their kicker, after two quarters.
    More bad Esks in Q3 and Swiss Cheese defence. They had twice as much offence as the Blue Bombers but the home team could score majors and hold the visitors to field goals. The Esks had a chance to get level at the end but two dropped passes left them 21-28 down with the ball in the hands of the Bombers with a minute left.
    This being the Canadian Drama League, the Bombers promptly fumbled the ball away on their first play!! More chances for the Eskimos, more passes going astray to shagged out receivers, and the Bombers hung on for their 2nd win of the season.

Corbyn Labour has decided that it has been too apologetic over its endemic anti-Semitism and there will be no more of it in the future. [That's apologies. Ed.]

Climate apartheid?? WFT is that??

Cofficionados Welcome Translation—mugs who will pay over the odds for a fancy name and not much of it are welcome.

In prehistory, various crocodile species were carnivores, omnivores or vegetarians. Only the carnivores are still around. Something for the vegan brigade to ponder . . .

Taking selfies in silly circumstances is now killing more people than shark attacks.

Oh, dear! O.J.'s dream of leading the nation into a mega-Brown Hole of Doom is crumbling. The civil service thinks that he's too fragile to be prime minister, his memory is going and he is not firing on all cylinders.
“Talking about people losing it—TheRazor May is heading there with her notion that overseas aid should be spent on combatting climate change.
    “Climate change is something to which we can adapt but anyone who pretends that we can fight it and prevent it is either demented or a crook. Or both.” E.C.

Vegan mush with strawberries instead of real cream? No thanks!

Looks like the Tories are starting to see the other Jeremy as a much safer pair of hands than Boris.

Okay, it's a swindle but that's not anything that bothers the Warmists
The British Weather Bureau is looking for the biggest area of tarmac in the south of England. Why? To put a thermometer at the centre of it in an attempt to beat the highest temperature ever recorded in June—35.6 deg.C in 1976.
    The BWB is trying to put one over on the French, who are claiming a highest temperature since official records began there. But as the French didn't start their official records until 1947, they don't exactly have much history to be alarmist about.

Surprise! The experts have decided that the people who blow £1 BILLION/year on fish oil and vitamin supplements to boost their brainpower are out of their minds. The stuff has no effect what so ever.

A failure of legal imagination
The judge in a £2 million divorce case of utterly ridiculous proportions has missed an opportunity to make a truly splendid ruling. When asked to decide who gets a pair of curtains, he failed miserably to award the warring couple one each.

The Church of England has appointed its first black female bishop. Wot next? Algae boutique Indian? Chinese? How many virtue flags are there to wave?

The hottest June day in the whole history of the universe (allegedly) was sunny Up North to about 4 p.m. Then clouds arrived to return things to normal. We even had a few drops of rain as 6 p.m. approached. Then the sun reappeared.

Friday Nite Football and will any of the Als get out of Hamilton alive? They had the best of the scoreless first quarter. The Cats woke up in Q2, led by Speedy B, 3-15 with a minute to go to half time, the Cats at the Montreal 1 and held out of the goal on 3 tries!
    The Tigercats started Q3 with a 75-yard touchdown play and marched on. 10-41 final and 6 sacks on Adams and his back-up after the Als' starting quarterback was killed. Can't wait for the Stampeders to roll in to Hamilton in week 5.

While Weather Control was trying to rig a new world record for the June temperature in Southern England, Scotland and Up North were being blasted by lightning. Eye off the ball, chaps.

Different kind of action in Holland
Unusually, the riders managed to stay on their bikes in the Dutch Moto3 race, despite tight bunch racing; until about half way. Basher Binder went up from 25 to join the leaders and caused some mayhem. The Scottish guy, McPhee, also drove from the back to the front-runners. Nothing like this in F1!
    There was a 4-bike crash with 6 laps to go, and Binder was gone a couple of laps later, which spared the stewards the trouble of giving him a penalty for multiple assaults.
    Bikes flying in to the kitty litter in Moto2 as the British guy, Sam Lowes, reached the front; only to be bashed off the track at half-way. Just one of many departures. Alex Marquez was done in with a couple of laps to go and only 18/29 riders finished.
    MotoGP was much more mannered and cerebral. Marc Marquez couldn't get the better of Viñales and chose to settle for 2nd place and extend his championship lead.

Too busy moaning to do anything useful
We keep hearing woeful forecasts of more and more wildfires ravaging the countryside due to gorbal warming. No mention of planning for this future, though; such as by creating fire breaks in large areas of woodland and moorland and controlled burn-off of litter.

“Anyone who claims that someone else doesn't understand coffee because the someone laughs at pretentious names has be some sort of pond life.” R.W.

No longer possible
A bloke who has prised merchandising rights to Carry On stuff loose from the dead grip of ITV is planning to make more of them a generation after the last one hit cinemas.
    One small problem; all the Carry On big names are dead or in retirement. One big problem; now that vexatious minorities have so big a say in the entertainment biz, the films can't help but be neutered shadows of the originals, and a total waste of time.

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
    We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, June MM19, like anyone cares