There is still no F in Brexit thanks to the Westminster Wonders
Dream on, guys
It's 300 years since Daniel Defoe's eternal novel Robinson Crusoe was first published, and there are idiots claiming that the castaway's life on his desert island is simplewhich is utter bollocks.
Anyone who has actually read the book knows that the castaway from 3 centuries ago had a whole range of skills which have been programmed out of almost all of the world's current population.
Being a castaway is a simple life, a doddle and a desirable alternative to stressful modern life? Pure fantasy.
Bad idea, sod off
Mexico's comic opera president wants an apology for the nastiness perpetrated by the Spanish Conquistadores 500 years ago. But even if any of them are still alive, it's doubtful whether they will feel obliged to explain themselves to mere Mexican natives.
Buck the trend
Fizzy wine is going out of fashion and gin is in. Which means that people who aren't bovvered about being trendy can enjoy fizz at non-premium prices while they wait for gin to drop out of fashion.
Even more pointless quotaism
Scotland's fire service is 'battling' to recruit more women. Why? Just because 50% of the population are women, that's no reason why 50% of firemen should be women.
If the blokes doing the job are managing to get it done okay, there's no reason to meddle. Any anyone who tries to do it should be sacked on the spot with no right of appeal on safety and national security grounds.
Women who want to be firemen should get a chance to join the Fire & Rescue Service, but poor candidates shouldn't be recruited in preference to more able blokes just so that some twat can wave a virtue flag.
Let us not forget that passengers, in any job, breed resentment. But will that stop the waxworks from deciding the Fire Service needs a quota of idiots?
“Some women can be good firemen and if that's what they want to do, and they are capable of doing the job, fair enuf. But there's no earthly reason why the Fire Brigade should reflect the composition of the customers. Aptitude is everything in this context.” N.B.O.
From April 1st, broadband providers are liable to pay compensation to customers if they take more than two working days to fix the service if it goes down. So tough if it happens on Friday. Cancelling engineer appointments at the last minute will also cost them.
Sounds like an April Fool
V. Zelensky, a comedian, is poised to become the backlash president of Ukraine after decades of corruption, maladministration and Russian infiltration there. His main qualification is that he has played the president on TV, so he has some idea of how to look the part.
The big question now is which British comedian could be our backlash president. Or even if any of them is a suitable figurehead, given the number of humourless lefty-luvvies who are polluting the airwaves right now.
The (not so bloody) Great Brexit Debate is being blamed for a spike in the divorce rate, which has been falling steadily for the last couple of decades.
The experts reckon that people are taking on board all the attention on how lousy Britain's relationship with the E bloody U is, and realizing just how unsatisfactory their own relationship has become. As a result, they are uncoupling in the hope of finding something better.
Pizzas in Nigeria are so dreadful that lots of people flying there load up with pizzas in London and flog them off at a tidy profit at their destination.
The most obviousApril Fool?
Has to be Labour's deputy leader, the appalling, slimeline T. Watson, claiming that a general election now would unite the country behind O.J. Corbynski.
“It's certainly in line for the most crash and pathetic one.” N.T.
What a bunch of tossers the Westminster Wonders are
Parliament will take charge of Brexit if the government can't hack it, we were told by the Bremoaners. Then what happened? Parliament proceeded to reject every possible Brexit option.
Helpful, or what!
“A Government of National Unity? Joke! if it's a selection from the current collection of mugs in the House of Common Criminals. Any combination of this gang couldn't run a booze-up in a brewery, never mind run the country.” D.V.
It's right under his nose
A fat actor is complaining that fat actors never get to do sex scenes in blockbuster films. Could it be because the producers think the customers would rather see fit blokes and fit women interfering with each other rather than a big lump of jelly wobbling about?
Anything for a laugh
Parliament has become so boring that the first day of this month saw a bunch of Warmists booked to remove various bits of kit in the public gallery and wiggle their bums at the inmatesjust to give Her Majesty's Press something to write about the next day.
Too many trips to the refreshment tent?
Foul-mouthed Channel 4 newsreader Fuk Jon Sno is in trouble for pointing out the lack of ethnic minorities among the ranks of Brexiteers visible from his vantage point on the demonstration held in London last Friday. He has been forced to apologize for suggesting that they are too lazy to get involved in the country's future.
Channel 4 is not responding to queries about whether he will be sent to a workshop on making fake news more convincing following his attempt to portray the marchers as being on the edge of insurrection and the police looking nervous.
“Not a word from Mr. Fuk about the lack of ethnics at a Bremoaner march a week earlier. But maybe he was too busy waving his virtue flag to notice.” E.M.
J. Biden, the Democrats' presidential hopeful even though he is in his eighth decade, has been outed as a sex pest. 'Creepy Uncle Joe' insists that it is all smears and forgeries created by a cottage industry of fake news.
“The fake news industry in the US, as in the UK, is way more than one of the cottage variety, Uncle Joe.” N.E.
American news medium CNN is heavily on the defensive over its reporting of the Mueller investigation into Russia's alleged rigging of the last presidential election. It is claiming that it is not on “the Left,” and it did not get anything wrong in its reporting on the Russia investigation.
The current White House chief of staff, M. Mulvaney, has taken great delight in compiling and releasing a list of CNN blunders and factual errors made during the Mueller investigation. Meanwhile, CNN has its fingers stuck in its ears and it's going, "La, la, la" loudly.
“For 'national unity' read 'Bremoaner unity' or 'non-Corbynists wanting their noses back in the trough'. Cynical, moi?” B.C.
[received before Wasp Woman did the dirty on them and went directly to O.J. Ed.]
How did they work that out
The Joseph Rowntree Foundation claims that the definition of poverty is having less than £247/week to spend after paying housing costs. Which is really wonderful news for single pensioners living in their own home, who have less than half of the Rowntree number left from their State pension after paying council tax. And before paying for gas and electricity.
Good news for the government, though. All these pensioners have to be doomed to die early, solving the problem of care of the elderly.
“Wiseguys have been complaining that some of the people waving Union flags at the Leavers' march had them upside down. The wiseguys clearly don't know that this is an internationally recognized signal of being in distress. Which the UK clearly is thanks to the faffing about of the tossers in the Palace of Westmonster.” S.E.
The House of . . . what? Clots?
House of Selfish, Self-Obsessed Bastards?
The House of Crackheads because that's what they're behaving like.
The House of HUTAgonians?
Good News: Sugar is good for lung infections.
Bad News: It has to be inhaled, not hoovered up in fizzy drinks and cakes and ice cream.
Doomed never to get off the ground
Royal Marines flying around in Iron Man suits? Like that's going to happen given the record of the Ministry of Defence and our useless politicians when it comes to flying machines. Think Gordon F. Broon's pair of aircraft carriers with none of yer actual fighter aircraft aboard.
Guess whatit's called evolution and survival of the fittest
According to the experts, some wildlife is doing a better job of adapting to changes in the climate than the rest. Is that anything to worry about?
Not really. It's what's been going on since life got serious on this planet and it's what's supposed to happen, the march of history tells us.
Local councillors are demanding BILLIONs more for schools. But they seem to be rather lacking when it comes to saying where the cash will come from or who will have to go without as a consequence.
It's official. Travelling by public transport takes twice as long as using a car.
“Or even longer if your train is cancelled.” F.T.
The non-male persons in the British Medical Association are demading an end to everyday sexism. Presumably, because they are bored with what's on offer, having seen it all before, and they would prefer something more original and inventive.
No wonder the E bloody U is sabotaging Brexit
Manufacturing industries on the Europeon mainland are in meltdown, mainly due to President Trump getting tough over EU unfair trading practices. Here, factories are busy building stockpiles of goods for when civilization ends with Brexit.
Two Barclays banksters have been gaoled for exchange rate fraud a year after a Barclays director and a confederate at Deutsche Bank got longer sentences than the 5 and 4 years handed to this latest pair of beauties.
Bad News: Now that smoking is unfashionable, deaths from heart disease are falling.
Good News: Deaths from o'besity are rising and the population is remaining balanced.
The Brexiteers in Parliament are thought to be planning to get rid of Wasp Woman by making the government lose a confidence vote. Then, with an interim leader inplace, they will support the government in the rematch a fortnight later and that will make everything okay again.
From bad to worse
Our apology for a Justice Sec., D. Gauke, a.k.a. the man who wants to pick your pocket with a death tax of probate, wants to abolish prison sentences of less than 6 months.
The so-called justice committee in the House of HUTAgonians has gone one better. They think that gaols are overrun with feral kids and they want to abolish sentences of less than 12 months to keep these 'orrible monsters on the streets.
The Saudi regime is paying millions in blood money to the children of J. Khashoggi, the journalist who was ambushed and butchered in the Saudi consulate in Istanbul. An official mouthpiece said this is a cultural thing, not an attempt to buy the silence of the Khashoggi children.
Something else we have to thank the lefty education Blob for is schoolkids thinking that if their head orders them to stop messing about with bottles of water during lessons, that violates their UNO-given 'uman bluddy right to enjoy clean drinking water.
Iran has joined the catalogue of foreign enemies launching cyber attacks against British institutions. It is to be hoped that our wimpy government is getting in at least a modicum of retaliation.
Unheeded and unappreciated
Oh, dear. We are totally unable to get it right, the experts reckon. If people don't kill themselves by smoking, they do it with a bad diet. Anyone would think these rotten people do it deliberately just to nark the experts.
Good News: Dark chocolate is good for lowering blood pressure.
Bad News: It's also good for o'besity, which can lower blood pressure to zero.
Who needs 'em
Liverpool's Grand National horse race @ Aintree is showing solidarity with Brexit by booting French champagne into touch and offering English sparkling wine instead.
The main complaint against the Paras in Afghanistan who filmed themselves shooting up a picture of O.J. Corbynski, who wants to scrap the Armed Services on behalf of the IRA, seems to be that they were using paintballs rather than real bullets.
“We're hearing a lot about lack of respect for the leader of Her Majesty's Opposition. Respect is something which can be commanded by virtue of a position in society, but it has to be maintained. Corbynski is well out of his grace period and he has proved time and again that he doesn't deserve any.” W.V.
The education industry Blob encouraged the sale of school playing fields by banning competitive sports. Now, the government is getting the blame for obese kids with nowhere to play. It must be great to be along the Teflon luvvie lefties and their blur of virtue flags.
More daft advice
Feeling stressed? Help is at hand. Go and sit next to a tree for 20 minutes, is the latest from the experts. Sounds like something to add to the Skivers' Charter as a 'uman bluddy right but the Health Ministry would like to see more Tree Companionship prescribed by doctors in preference to costly drugs.
Revenue of the future
Using auntiesocial meeja is more addictive than smoking and boozing, according to Prince Harry. Next thing you know, the government will tax it, claiming the money will be spent specifically on treating victims of the on-line community.
5p a click to go on Fakebuk or any of the others?
Experts or trough-scoffers?
Is it reasonable to expect a new major construction project like the Elizabeth Line extension to London's Tube system to be run competently and within spitting distance of the original budget?
Long experience of government plus the public and/or private sector tells us no. Think H2S or making the NHS work.
“Watching my cat sitting on the doormat yesterday, looking at the rain and deciding there was no way he was going out in that lot, made me think of those silly schoolkids who did the march in London to order the government to put an end to climate change.
“They might just as well have demanded an end to rain during the day and rain only in the early hours of the morning. It would have got them just as far.” R.C.
“No doubt Corbyn would have told them he'd do it if they made him P.M. as a lesson in not believing anything a career politician tells you.” Mariella L'Arc
Another Gerald Ratner moment
The boss of Saga announces that it will stop ripping off loyal insurance customers and the share price collapses by one-third. The shares are now also standing at one-third of the offer price when they were launched. Sometimes, the people running private sector companies can be as useless as the government.
The French take on common sense
The EbloodyU is in the process of creating labelling regulations, which will prevent non-meat products from being passed off as steaks, sausages, escalopes, burgers, hamburgers, etc.
Those supplying the vegivore industry will now have to describe their products in other terms such as discs, tubes, slabs or something more exotic. A French MEP is behind this move.
From a vegan flier from a burger chain:
Smashed avocadohow do you know when a vegetable is good and drunk? Just lying there, inert, is something they do all the time.
Humorous chipotle wrapsomething vegan with a sense of humour? Never!
“Do we really need the term 'flexitarian'? When we already have 'omnivore'.” I.X.
Unimpressive virtue flags
The Luvvie tendency is demanding a boycott of Brunei. But as they are the only people likely to go there, or use its institutions such as the posh hotels owned by the Sultan of this oil-rich Islamic state, it's all about them and nothing to do with the rest of us.
There is no such thing as a sugar rush, a gang of experts in Germany have decided. On the contrary, sweets, fizzy drinks and chocolate cause a sugar crash rather than filling the consumer with vim & vigour.
We are now standing by for another gang of experts to rebuild the myth.
Yet another paradox
Prince Harry has yet to answer the awkward question of why, if auntysocial meeja are so addictive and terrible, does he contribute to the pool of poison via his own auntysocial meeja accounts?
Satellite navigation systems are due to have a Millennium Bug Moment @ the first weekend of the month. Older systems contain a counter, which rolls over after 1024 weeks of continuous use (19.7 years).
Not many people were using GPS @ the first rollover in August of 1999. There are so many users now that some equipment is expected to end up in a hell of a mess when it finds it can't get its bearings again.
Living in dreamland
Sumac Greegor, our political correspondent, writes:
All those people who talk about the Tories being out of office 'for a generation' after betraying the country over Brexit need to be on the receiving end of a monumental raspberry.
Labour never takes more than 13 years to wreck the economy well beyond the party's capacity to repair it. Think Gordon F. Broon for the most recent example.
Just excess baggage?
“The prime minister is making a really big deal about The Union; probably as a preliminary to ditching it; but do we really need it? We could get along okay without the Welsh, the Irish have always been nothing but trouble and as for the Scots, they only signed up because they were flat broke, their rulers having done a Gordon Brown and blown the nation's wealth on a mad colony scheme in Central America. England on its own would do okay.” G.W.
More independent than dogs
A study in Japan has found that cats can recognize their main servant's voice and the noise which corresponds to a human-given name. But whether or not they take any notice of a human calling their name depends on whether the cat is hungry or anxious to get indoors out of the weather.
The government of Ecuador is believed to be anxious to shed J. Assange, who has been lurking in their tiny embassy in London for 6½ years to avoid arrest on criminal charges.
Ecuador has had a change of heart and Assange is being allowed to stay put in his little room.
Reports on retail websites give a false impression of how good a gadget is compared to consumer reports in sources such as Which?. Why? Probably because the purchasers don't want other people to think they're mugs who paid good money for a loada rubbish.
The words 'Europeon Union' are no longer being printed on the front of new British passports as the government has discovered that it is not a legal requirement.
Crime? Ugh! Nasty! Make it go away!
The West Midlands police farce has been turned into a social work organization with orders not to charge or even warn young people caught with cannabis in their possession.
Their chief constable says he's trying not to harm the life chances of the young things. He's also doing a great job of burying evidence of drug use in Britain's cannabis capital.
Big cat hunters are advised to head for Harrowbarrow in Cornwall, where the latest mystery big cat is on the rampage.
The experts have spoken again. Staring at screens doesn't affect teenagers. If they're stroppy and withdrawn, it's because that's the way they are and that's the way they'll always be.
Freak of Nature
If you can remember every single password for every single one of your on-line accounts, there is something wrong with you as most people can't. BTW: Usinjg one password for everything is cheating and doesn't count.
The Russians must be getting a bit bored as they are stirring up another episode of civil war in Libya. They are hoping to create a new Gaddaffy; a general rather than a colonel; who will be in their pocket.
The nation's honest punters are scratching their heads and wondering why on-line retailers have taken to long to think of a blacklist for people who buy stuff, wear it then return it for a refund.
Take a peep at the real world, guys
Academics in Scotland are complaining that their essential medical research programmes will end and they will be out of a job when EbloodyU funding dries up after Brexit.
Maybe someone should tell them that the EbloodyU is a wealth distributor not a wealth creator, and all the cash they get comes from British taxpayers less what the EbloodyU has skimmed from it.
Consequently, if they are getting £100 million from EbloodyU funds now, more should be available post-Brexit. If the government plays fair.
[Which is not a given. Ed.]
Is the paint industry behind this?
The Big Idea of the moment is to paint the roofs of buildings in towns and cities white to prevent the creation of an urban heat island. The object is to reduce the number of deaths due to a heat wave.
If this is done, then the roofs would have to be painted black before winter to return the thermal bonus because ten times more people are killed by cold weather than hot weather. And the ratio will only increase if roofs are left white.
There is still no F in Brexit thanks to the Westminster Wonders
To be an expert, first remove the sense of proportion?
The experts are now blaming just about everything bad in the world on Britain's Brexit-focussed vision. If not for Brexit, they claim, we would have sorted out Syria, Sudan, Venezuela, Turkey, Yemen, North Korea, China and Russia, and talked President Trump out of building a wall to keep drugs, criminals and migrants from invading the US via Mexico.
We've spotted an interesting trend, which given an insight into how fake news is manufacturedthe more of a lefty luvvie the commentator is, the longer he/she claims the prime minister's record length Cabinet meeing went on.
Bets are now being laid on when some luvvie will have a brainstorm and try to boost it beyond 24 hours.
A rare win
The wildlife in the Kruger National Park in South Africa has managed to see off 20% of a gang of poachers. One of them was foolish enough to let himself be trampled by an elephant and his workmates left him to die before (or during) being eaten by lions.
W W Wthat's gaps in the WWW to give our government internet control parity with Russia, China, North Korea, Iran, Saudia, etc. or
"OfWeb" means you're banned from the Web
The government is creating more jobs for civil servants in the form of a regulator for the WWW. Ostensibly, OfWeb is to be used to make Gooble, Fakebuk and the rest refuse to host material from terrorists, pornographers, etc., but there will be soft edges, which will let the regulatory jobsworths censor fake news.
As there is no legal definition of what constitutes fake news, this is bound to become a licence for the waxworks in office to prevent criticism of their often appalling and usually tardy choices.
“Also a means of raising cash by imposing arbitrary fines for imaginary offences. You forgot to say that.” O.L.E.
[We were merely leaving the door open for you to chip in. Ed.]
The bosses of the NHS are having to send the SAS round to deal with GPs, who are ignoring a ban on prescribing placeboic homeopathic treatments and wasting thousands of pounds of taxpayers' cash.
The UK National Weather Service is heading for a world of hurt if it decides to ban the use of female names for severe storms on the grounds that the public take their storm warnings seriously only if the storm has a male name attached to it.
The usual suspects will be leaping up and down madly and demanding 'peril parity' in a heartbeat. And giving the NWS staff as vigorous a duffing up on auntysocial meeja as the one the experts in the US are getting after coming to this conclusion.
Shape up, you slackers!
The Democraps in the US Congress have been told that President Trump's tax returns are nobody's business but his and they should get on with what they're paid to do rather than waste time on idle curiosity.
The Latest Threat: Everyone with a compost heap will be wiped out by the drug-resistant superfungi, which invade them. It's going to be a case of Farmer's Lung for the whole body with medical science out of answers and helpless.
Fact: The only people who want H2S are the waxworks making money out of it and the people with an unsellable mansion in its path.
One step on a long road
The Justice Department's move toward divorce on demand is seen as part of a long-term campaign against marriage. Once an easy escape route is available, the next step will be to remove all benefits and tax advantages associated with marriage.
And it is even possible that a future Labour government will introduce a marriage tax, claiming that being married gives couples an unfair advantage over those in lesser relationships or without a close relationship.
Fuk Jon Sno is under investigation by Ofcom for putting offensive content into Channel 4 'news' broadcasts.
Trust in very short supply
The government is trying to play the 'good guy' card in its attempts to censor the internet but not making much headway. The big problem is that Vajid Jong un, the Home Sec., claims it's all about cleaning up auntysocial meeja while seeking to get control of everything on the WWW. And no government, especially a Labour one, can be trusted to play fair with people who criticize it.
“Aren't you being a little harsh on Labour, Comrades?” A.W.
[For as long as Labour continues to add Vindictive to the Bumbling associated with the Tories, and politics becomes even more toxically feminine, we will be harsh. Ed.]
Desperate measures to come
The Bonk of England has announced that it is committed to helping people to carry on using cash for as long as they want to.
As banks close branches and ATMs disappear, the result could be heavily armed BoE convoys taking cash to stricken areas to relieve customers with no access to it.
The listening Beeb
The BBC is in trouble with people in Cornwall, Devon and the Scilly Isles because the presenters of its weather snippets persist in standing in front of their vital parts of Britain. One possible solution was to squash up a standard weather map [below, left] to create a condensed map [below, right], which would move the affected areas away from the presenter..
In the end, the pragmatists won and it was decided simply to move the presenter further to the left in the picture [below]. [The natural direction of travel in the BBC Ed.]
No great surprise
Record numbers of MPs are claiming to have 'mental health issues' over Brexit. Which just confirms what we knew anywaythat they're all just a bunch of nutters.
“And then there all the civil servants talking to their imaginary bloody DogBot on the interweb. No wonder Brexit has been a fuck-up from start to finish.” O.R.
Free pass for all?
Want to avoid being sent to gaol if you're unlucky enough to be busted by an overkeen fuzz? Claim you're a drug addict and the magistrates/judge won't send you down. That's what the Sentencing Council would like to see happen.
The Palace of Westminster will now be renamed The HUBthe House of Useless Boneheads.
The way ahead
“Parliamentary politics will be in the doghouse for a generation following the hash the Westminster Wonders are making of Brexit, and not even someone with the charisma of O.J. Corbynski will be able to repair the damage until every one of the present generation of MPs is gone.” M.A.
He's said to be the most corrupt politician in the Middle East but that doesn't seem to have prevented Mr. Yahoo from cobbling together another coalition government in Israel. No doubt O.J. Corbynski will be one of the first to send him a telegram of congratulation.
Standing up against dirty deeds
President Trump is planning to slap import duties on all sorts of goods from the EbloodyU in response to WTO findings that EbloodyU subsidies to the 'aviation giant' Airbus have affected the US adversely. After 14 years of argy-bargy over subsidies to Boeing and Airbus, the time for action has finally arrived. Well, maybe in a year or so.
Don't get ill in Germanythe doctors there are going on nationwide strike.
Weird bunch, these foreigners
Two blokes on a rape charge in a court in Ancona, Italia, were convicted of rape in 2016 but a year later, they were released because because the panel of three female judges decided that the victim looked “too masculine” to be raped.
Italy's supreme court has now decided that the physical appearance of an alleged rape victim is wholly irrelevant and the courts will get another go at the case in due course.
The Razor May is going to Klingon to the PM job to see Brexit through. Which raises the spectre of Britain still in the EbloodyU with Prince William's grand-daughter on the throne and the May brain housed in a steel tank in the Cabinet room @ 10 Downing Street, still getting postponements of Brexit because she's still right on the edge of a deal.
In Devon & Somerset, they have trained a team of community responders to fight fires, or persecute motorists in special constable uniforms, depending on what needs doing on any given day.
The middle class has had its day, the experts have decided. They are doomed to disappear, leaving a society consisting of lower classes, bosses and politicians.
The EbloodyC president, J-C Druncker, has come up with an apt description for Pres. MacRon of France. He's like a schizophrenic up a treepresumably one who's threatening to jump, so there!
Back to the drawing board, you guys
Flying cars are having one of their periodic revivals. The experts have decided that VTOL cars would be green and great for journeys of more than 22 miles. Unfortunately, most car journeys are shorter than this.
If the government confiscates the 700 grand which a hacker made by stealing from people who visited porn websites, does that make the government guilty of living on immoral earnings? Or is that something governments always have done and always will do?
Fair can be fair
Should a British fund manager be sent to Sweden to stand trial for his part in what is alleged to be a £70 MILLION fraud case if he has a serious heart condition? Only if he made sure that none of the people who were ripped off had a serious heart condition or something equally serious medically.
There will be no trains during Easter. Every station will be shut for H2S; at least, that's what it will feel like.
The people of Ecuador have spoken again. The on-off eviction of fugitive from justice J. Assange from their embassy in London has become on. He's now heading for gaol then an appointment with fear in the United States.
The Speedboat Killer has been given an extra 6 months in gaol for bail-jumping. Which probably means an extra three weeks inside if he's very unlucky.
“The Balls-Cooper woman sez she's concerned about the idea of Britain becoming a country which no longer respects democratic values. But if she doesn't, despite being paid to, why should anyone else bother?” F.E.
Crackers, like the rest of them
When does an architect cross the borderline into demented? Lord Foster wants to build a copy of the Commons' and Lords' debating chambers in a temporary structure for use while the fabric of The HUB is being restored.
If he wants to hire craftsmen to reproduce the exact same degree of wear and tear on the temporary seating as per the originals, it is definitely time for the men in white coats to close in and accommodation in a rubber room for his lordship.
How do you reduce air pollution in London? If you're a Labour politician, you charge people lots of money to drive around there and do nothing about the pollution.
Silence in court whilst the judge disengages his brain
The Best Judge in the World Award goes to one who decided that a violent Turkish criminal can't be deported because he is now socially and culturally integrated into British society.
How did the druggie thief do this? By joining a gang which the London police has at No. 2 in their Most Dangerous Gangs list. As the blessed Little John sezyou couldn't make it up.
“Anyone who threatens to kill an MP now has a perfect defence to deploy in courtdoing the nation a favour with a spot of free pest control.” D.V.
One up the kilt for the SNP. They want to stay in the EU and they want independence. But, as the PM pointed out to their figurehead, if Scotland becomes independent of the UK, it is automatically out of the EbloodyU and would have to apply for membership, which could take years.
“Just as a matter of interest, in which galaxy would Boris + Rudd be a dream team? Certainly not in this one.” A.L.
“As for Vajid Jong un, we've seen what Pakistani bus driver's sons can do and we ain't impressed.” London Ratepayer
Endemic government uselessness
Figures from the Office for National Sadistics and Migration Watch have confirmed that all the talk of Brexit giving us control of our borders and reducing immigration to a manageable level is just hot air.
The government and its minions are totally clueless and totally ineffective when it comes to migration. Hence the guestimate of England's population reaching 60 MILLION as soon as 2026.
What cheeky chappies!
Iraq is offering to solve the problems caused by jihadi prisoners from Britain and elsewhere, who are being held in neighbouring states, with a 10-minute fair trial followed by a fair hanging. And all for $2million/head. But per year? Who came up with that one?
The Notional Union of Students has a history of electing nutters and deadlegs as the figurehead. It has happened again with the appointment of a racialist Islamist.
Head in the clouds
The Culture Sec. (Tory) claims that laws to provide censorship of the WWW and exclude access to parts of it from British eyes won't be applied to Her Majesty's Press. Just wait till the next Labour government gets inyou won't believe what they get up to, mate.
If a judge calls the bearded and unfragrant Assange bloke a narcisist, that just creates fodder for the appeal court on the grounds of judicial bias. It is the job of a judge to punish criminals according to the law. Tossing nouns and adjectives around is outwith the job description and could end up with the EbloodyU court of 'uman bluddy rights butting in to try a case of misnouning.
WIN A MONSTER HUNTING BREAK AT LOCH NESS yells the headline for the prize draw linked to a film, which is 'in cinemas now'. But what is on offer exactly? Is it a monster hunting-break or a monster-hunting break? And is the lack of definition a get-out in case no monster puts in an appearance during the break? We should be told.
Amazon's employees, it seems, are allowed to use the company's Alexa gadget as a bugging system and listen in on what customers are up to. But they are not allowed to dial 999 (or 911) if they hear an assault or even a murder going on. Such is the state of morality in C21.
Any old excuse to bunk off
"Don't waste time," the EbloodyU Commission president told our Parliament after giving our MPs until Halloween to get their act together on Brexit.
"Okay," said Britain's MPs, "we'll go on holiday for a fortnight."
Sudan has dumped its president-for-life via a military coup. The charges include "bad administration, systematic corruption and absence of justice". Which leaves us wondering why the EbloodyU is so keen on a Europeon army as it would be in perpetual deadly danger if it had onefrom a military coup with the above charge list.
Just the way things are
Amazement over a coke can dating back to the 1982 Olympics being spotted on a beach near Edinburgh? Totally misplaced. Litter doesn't have legs and all it can do is stay where it was dropped until someone clears it up. Unless it's biodegradable, which aluminium cans aren't.
£1.5 BILLION of the Brexit Bonus has gone down the tubes now that the PM has abandoned the No Treaty option after making all sorts of preparations for it.
Is it a new space donut treat?
Data from 8 radio telescopes around the world has been combined to create an image depicting what goes on in the neighbourhood of the supermassive black hole at the centre of the galaxy M67. False colour, of course, as the radio telescopes were recording EM radiation with a frequency of 1.3 mm, which is nothing humans can see. But the picture looks very pretty.
No image of the actual black hole can be obtained, however, on account of its blackness and holiness.
The experts assure us that there is no reason to panic as the black hole is swallowing stuff up around 55 million light years away from us, and it will take some time to chomp everything in range.
Time for a change
When the Westminster HUB has been rebuilt after 2 centuries of neglect, Parliament will be dragged part of the way into C21. Prayers at the start of each day's session will be abolished in favour of a rendition of the new anthem for The HUB"I got space between my ears". It will be performed by the Annoying Minority of the Day.
Terrorist? Criminal? Scumbag? Labour is on your side
The appalling D. Abbott has been roasted by one of the women who filed a rape charge against the appalling J. Assange. Abbott was just doing empty-headed, reflex "Labour on the side of someone appalling", but the tragedy is that she and her kind will never realize how offensive that is to decent people.
“What an utterly marvellous Home Sec. she would make in a Corbyn government. Until the internal coup by the Luvvie Left set, of course.” D.L.V.
If there are to be Europeon Parliament elections, the consensus around here is that if there's a UKIP candidate, that's who will get the protest vote. Or Nigel's Brexit Bunch. Otherwise, the people paying for it will just try to ignore the whole sorry waste of £111 MILLION of their money.
There is still no F in Brexit thanks to the Westminster Wonders and the EbloodyU. Halloween is the latest postponement.
Happiness for all
One of President Trump's advisors has come up with a fascinatingly diabolical planto dump illegal immigrants in areas where there is a solid Democrap vote, knowing that they will be welcomed with open arms.
The migrant plan has had the desired result of really narking the Democraps, especially those in the 'sanctuary areas' which ignore the rule of law.
The real reason that Snoflakes are pissed off with life is that two-thirds of them lack the earning power of their father and can't afford to live as well as their parents.
We can report another election triumph for President Kim in North Korea. Lacking a rival, a landslide is always assured, and there are no abstentions because this invites an inventive and extremely painful public execution.
If you want to avoid gaol for drunken driving, make sure you get a female judge and identify to the court as female.
What a wonderful deal
Write your own professional documents and letters
No computer required
Perfectly portable and ready for work in an instant!
What is this wonderful invention?
Oh, it's a manual typewriter for only 220 quid with ribbons at 15 quid each?!?
So much for the march of progress.
“No matter how idiotic or repellent the cause, you can always find a bunch of idiots who are prepared to march in support of it to get themselves noticed. That's the true human tragedy.” A.P.
The control freaks are still at it
Global warming is going to topple Scotland's historic coastal castles into the sea, say the experts, and they are using this to tell people they need to make changes to their lives with an implied 'to save the planet'. Which is just plain silly.
The notion that Scotland's population, which amounts to less than 0.1% of the world's population, can change the planet's climate by adjusting their lifestyle is as absurd as it is dishonest.
What needs to be done, to save the castles and anything else close to the coast, is to get the Scottish government to spend money on sea defences. The only problem with that is that governments always screw up and the likely result will be that the erosion problem is just shifted to another part of the coast.
Nepal is sending a team of surveyors to the top of Mount Everest to find out if the R7.9 earthquake in the region four years ago has had any effect on the mountain's height.
The theme tune for the TV series Sherlock came out top of a Radio Times poll. But can anyone hum it? Thought not.
Train punctuality in Scotalnd is declining because trains are no longer allowed to sail through stations without stopping to inconvenience both passengers on board and passengers wishing to board.
Owners of electric cars are up in arms because local councils are installing charging points but not connecting them to the mains supplysomething which would involve joined-up thinking, which seems to be banned in the public sector.
The nation is shocked that the coppers who removed J. Assange from the Ecuadorian embassy weren't provided with thick gauntlets and biological isolation garments in the light of all the reports about his contempt for basic hygiene.
Took them long enough
The Planetary Society is inviting the public to offer names for the largest unnamed minor planet in the solar system. 2007 OR10 is a Kuiper Belt Object, one of the sea of planetesimals which orbit the Sun beyond Neptune. It has a surface coating of water ice with possible traces of methane ice, and there is something else which makes it the reddest object ever found in the Kuiper Belt.
Only 3 names are on offerGonggong,a Chinese water god with red hair who creates chaos, Holle, a Europeon winter goddess of fertility, rebirth, and women, and Vili, a Nordic diety who helped his brothers Odin and Ve to defeated frost giant Ymir.
The Planetary Society clearly has the good sense not to let the public make suggestions. Otherwise, there would be a landslide for something daft like Unknowny Unknownface.
One of them is real partisan cheese, spot the copy. And could you tell the difference in a taste test of chiz grated onto your pizza or spaghetti?
Survival of the weirdest
A double-female relationship has the side effect of destroying the sense of proportion, leaving the partners unable to deal with the simple question: "who is the mother?" in the context of the registering a birth without one or both of them throwing a wobbly.
Anyone surprised that the lefty weirdos running the legal aid system [into the ground? Ed.] have awarded millions of pounds of British taxpayers' cash to the Bride of Daesh for an appeal against losing her passport for treachery?
The nanny state is intent on making every website treat visitors as children unless they do a login and provide proof of age, e.g. by providing credit card or passport data which hackers are bound to steal, for every visit.
The government is doing this to allow its minions to monitor everyone's internet use without permission for the purpose of snooping on everyone. This will provide a huge helping hand to criminals who do the same, but that's not anything that bothers the inhabitants of The HUT.
The annoying and ungrateful guest
Apparently, J. Assange was evicted from the embassy where he grotted for 7 years for embarrassing the president of Ecuador by publishing pix of Mr. President enjoying luxury foreign holidays with his family whilst his subjects were enjoying austerity back home in Equador.
The regime has played the indignation card over this, proving that it's the truth.
Bremoaner MP D. Lammy is in trouble for cultural appropriation after using the Nazi tactic of branding Breiteer Tories as a bunch of Nazis.
Deadleg is as deadleg does
The Chancellor, P. Hammond, has been reminded that he is not a candidate for the job of the next Tory leader for reasons which are too many and too obvious to need to be specified.
The appalling Clintons have resumed the book-flogging tour, which they abandoned last year from lack of interest. Bill, in particular, soon had cause to regret it when a heckler started asking questions about his embarrassing pal Jeffrey Epstein and his adventures with teenage girls. The heckler was quickly silenced, but not before he had made his point.
The sanctuary cities in Democrat-occupied areas of the United States are claiming that they will welcome illegals with open arms. Probably only until the legal residents are required to open their wallets even wider.
The French government is seeking to rehome Quasimodo following the destruction of the iconic hunchback's home by a fire which caused as much damage as the terrorists did to Notre Dame cathedral during the French Revolution.
Tough being popular
The Internet Age has left lots of people with information overload and information fatigue. Being bombarded with lots of new stuff every second, and lacking the ability to filter it for areas of special interest, has left lots of poor darlings battered and bruised and with the attention span of a mayfly.
Andy Warhol used to reckon that people could be famous for 15 minutes. With the current amount of competition, they're lucky if they last 15 milliseconds.
Why does O.J. Corbynsky have such a long face?
The PM is off to Wales to go walkabout instead of getting to grips with Brexit, but before she went, she promised not to dash back for a general election, which will reduce the Tory presence in The HUB even further and put O.J. in Downing Street.
[Until the inevitable coup evicts him. Ed.]
Inspiration in short suppy
Is it cool to display 3 homeless people in a glass case for a couple of days or is it just plain daft? The three rough sleepers who were shipped to a gallery in Denmark for the stunt were paid two grand a head, so they're not complaining.
Sleep for less than 5 hours per night and you are doomed, say the experts, even if Winston Churchill and Margaret Thatcher could do it.
Despite The Cuts and Brexit, mobs of people with nothing constructive to do can still clog the streets of London to further the not-so-great global warming swindle.
“I was amused to read Sarah Vine's comment that the mob are poisoning themselves with the extra pollution from the idling engines of the vehicles which they have brought to a standstill. Looks like the problem could be self-solving!” N.E.W.
Jobs, but not as we know them, Jim
“The phrase When records began in 1993 has to make you stop and think. What does it mean? That someone in government thought that counting people to create a previously unnecessary statistic would be a great way of doing some empire-building by growing the civil service.” T.P.
Analysing the aftermath
The blame game for the Notre Dame fire is going to be a long, drawn-out job if the evidence is charred, water-drowned bits a long way from their origins. Which is good news for the investigators, who get security of employment.
It is even better news in that they can fit up anyone they don't like because the evidence is such a mess that any interpretation of it is possible and the truth will be what the loudest voice yells.
“The great cross is still there not on account of divine intervention but because the fire didn't get to that outer edge of the building and the falling bits from the roof missed it. Simples!” I.A.
“Good news that the cathedral's twin towers, which were inspired by the old Wembley Stadium, are still intact. Which is more than can be said for the iconic old Wembley Stadium.” S.F.
“More also than can be said for the twin towers of the similarly inspired World Trade Centre in New York.” T.H.
“A big, big thanx to the French for some different news. Brexit was boring the pants off us.” Not Boris
That's the way the political wind blows
Why has President MacRon put a 5-year limit on repairing Paris' iconic cathedral? Something which will encourage mega-bodging to meet the arbitrary deadline.
The most likely explanation is that Ron wants to claim the credit for the finished job before some political, financial or sexual scandal erupts and sinks him utterly. In other words, it's all about Ron and sod doing a proper job.
Today's Doomcast: Ham, bacon and red meat will give you cancer, yell the experts. And don't even think of having a drink to take your mind off this.
Part Two: The Easter heatwave will coincide with a pollen bomb as all sorts of tree species deluge the country with it simultaneously. Anyone with asthma is in trouble, the experts reckon.
Pardon the cynicismor not
Are we really in an age when the diagnosable cases of mental ill-health in children have doubled? Or is it just that the shrinks have been twice as inventive to keep the cash flowing?
Putting the RAT in restaurateur
Only Italians can make a pizza because only they understand the cuisine, an Italian bloke with a restaurant reckons as an excuse for not hiring British staff.
Only someone whose ancestors are British for at least 3 generations can work in the public sector in Britain because only they understand the culture. The perfect counterblast to the diversity mob! And if you have the one, you have to have the other on fairness and consistency grounds.
Useless, or what?
“If the police don't have enough cells for lefty ecolouts, maybe the capital's coppers should just leave the ones who have superglued themselves to something where they are until Nature takes its course.” A.B.
“Maybe they could even superglue three or four ecoyobs together around a lamp post as a means of parking them until a cell becomes available.” Pragmatist
“Maybe they could start with the clown/spiv in charge of the Environment Agency, who's trying to create a job-for-life for himself at the taxpayer's expense by pretending that climate change is a clear and present danger and the government can do something about it. Which is just typical lefty airhead thinking.” Another Pragmatist
“Re: the government doing something. Is that before or after the referendum to find out if anyone really trusts the Warmists to do anything beneficial for the people they're screwing around?” D.E.
Oppressive, but not quite as bad as the worst offenders
Good News: The UK has risen to 33rd place in the international index of Press freedom; up from 40th place.
Bad News: The apparent rise is caused by the UK depriving the Press of freedom more slowly than the global trend, so things are just getting worse here more slowly than elsewhere, but the trend is still inexorably toward worse.
The Normans are credited with bringing rabbits to Britain as food. Now, it seems that the Romans did it first. But whether the rabbits were food or exotic pets has yet to be determined.
Notre Dame cathedral could end up sporting a messy, unmade bed if the French PM's contest to design a replacement for the collapsed spire goes in the direction of contemporary rubbish art.
Anyone surprised that Nigel's week-old Brexit Bunch is top of the pops in the polls for the Euro Parliament elections? Nope?
Rich faddists caned
Shock, horror! Vegans are being charged two-thirds more than carnivores in restaurants because there is not much money to be made out of plant-based foods. [Unless you stick the price up, obviously. Ed.] And there is all the fiddling about and picking and choosing to make sure everything is 100% vegan.
Things are much the same in supermarkets with vegans being charged 100% or even 200% more for their specialized products compared to mass-market brands because of the much higher cost of producing vegan nosh.
How not to stack the deck
The Spanish prime monster has got himself in a real tangle over TV debates with opponents. He wanted to try to duff up a new party, Vox, which is doing well in the polls but has no seats in the parliament.
Then the Electoral Commission got involved and say Vox couldn't take part. Then the PM threw one wobbly after another and spun himself into the ground with U-turns. He also managed to upset the national public TV company RTVE with his decision to attend debates only on private channels.
The last anyone heard is that he will be empty-chaired in the TV debate from which Vox was excluded if he doesn't show up.
“It was amusing to see former Home Sec. Blunk trying to play the wise elder statesman card over the total ineptitude of the police force in London when confronted by ecolouts. Especially when one recalls that he, like lots of other top Blairites, got the push from the Cabinet for abuse of his position.” S.H.
“Blunk's posturing is further punctured by his admission that he voted for Edstone Milipede's Climate Change Act, a piece of Labour cosmetic posturing, which won't change a thing.” P.V.
As a result of gorbal warming, keen anglers can go fishing for piranha if they know where to go in Yorkshire. In fact, that's all they will be likely to catch in the near futureafter the invaders have scoffed all the local carp, perch, pike, etc. and munched their way through all the ducks and other waterside bird life.
“In fact, the piranha are being dumped by people who bought them as pets or trophy fish. But don't expect to hear that from the Warmists.” M.B.
The road to outrage
As a natural successor to yesterday's "only Italians can make a pizza" comes the revelation that a Swiss haulage company has let the 'leaders' of local migrant community confect a ton of outrage by advertising for a 'Helvetian' driver and revealing that the company's employees happily eat a pork steak and sausages together after work.
Either being au fait with the local culture is no longer permitted in Switzerland, or the outrage confectors should get a life.
Happy Easter? Right!
The ecolouts are threatening to be out and about disrupting airports over the weekend. No doubt with the full co-operation of the police and airside security will be allowed to go to pot. There's nothing lefties and luvvie enjoy more than making life miserable for other people.
“If carbon dioxide is so terrible, why don't the ecoyobs do the world a favour and stop breathing and stop producing it? Okay, it would be a gesture which would have absolutely no effect on the global climate. But isn't that what Warmism is all about? Pointless gestures?” C.E.
“Being fair, with difficulty, to the ecoyobssome of them are just silly kids who have been convinced that they could be the last generation of humans!!! Which, given that level of gullibility, could well be true!” E.P.
Lyme Regis has solved its aggressive, visitor-attacking seagull problem by hiring a couple of bald eagles, with handlers, to scare the pests away and make them someone else's problem. Exceedingly cute!
Q: How long will a £1,500 Samsung phone with a folds-in-half screen keep working?
A: A few yours or a couple of days if you're really lucky. But none have caught fire like the last generation of Galaxy phones. Yet.
President Trump is reported to have been resigned to being stitched up good and proper when the Muller investigation into alleged Russian involvement in the last presidential election was announced. The world remains amazed that his enemies were unable to make this happen.
Did anyone fall for the Pink Moon story?
April is the traditional month of foolery, but that's supposed to expire at noon on the first of the month. Which leaves us wondering why, according to the story, there should be a pink Moon in mid-April.
Many ancient cultures started giving the full Moons throughout the year names as a way to keep track of time. The Earlier Americans [that's Injuns Ed.] in the United States and Canada get the blame for this one. But don't expect the Moon to look pink when it crawls above the horizon. The EAs are talking about the time when the wild ground phlox, which has pink flowers, blooms in early spring.
Boring but true.
Deadly but silent
North Korea has a new wonder weapon, which is absolutely fantastically terrific. But Kimjongstan is not telling anyone what it is.
The lefty Blob is up in arms about the Standard Assessment Tests inflicted on 11-year-olds at schoolbecause they show up how bad teaching is getting. Another case of trade union turkeys trying to abolish Xmas.
Not that wonderful, really
The huge conspiracy to shut down Heathrow airport with a mass of echolouts turned out to be 20 or so teenagers, who had no real idea what they were supposed to do. They ended up being parked in the shade to protect them from sunburn until the got fed up and sloped off.
[You're certainly behaving like one that's too dumb to survive. Ed.]
The official Labour view is that the echolouts are brilliant but if they glue themselves to O.J. Corby's front fence, they become evil Tory stooges.
Other cities, including Edinburgh and Glasgow, were invaded by echopests but they didn't get any TV coverage, being vastly inferior to London and the South of England.
One to ponder
16 million people were killed during World War One. 50 million died as a result of the Spanish Flu pandemic in the post-war period.
Conclusion? War is preferable to disease.
One way to do it
The president of Liberia, whose qualifications for office include playing football for Chelsea and Man. City, has been forced out of his office by an invasion of poisonous snakes. Could it be that the enemies of our own dear PM are wondering about getting some "crawling and creeping things" [No, not MPs. Ed.] to evict her from Downing Street?
The only downside to such a scenario is that it might let O.J. Corby sneak in, given that he's the pal of anying repellent and/or an affront to human decency.
It was all a PR stunt
God burnt down Notre Dame cathedral to generate some goodwill for Christians, who are under threat from Islamists and every trendy gang of bozos on the planet, the BBC included? Well, maybe.
Go away? No Way!
The Notre Dame fire has not deterred the Yellow Vest Pests in France. On the contrary, it has given them a new grievancethe millions of euros of taxpayers' cash promised for the rebuilding work at the cathedral at the expense of better causes.
“The Carbuncle Squad seem to have their sights firmly fixed on the Notre Dame site. If they get their way, the likely result is some big glass bubble with the twin towers knocked down to provide a better all-round view of it. And multiple entrances, each with their own walk-through gift shop.” R.C.
Big mouth, big bucks, no morals
No surprise that the 'uman bluddy rights lawyers at the UN are long on the state's responsibilities to citizens who leave Britain to join terrorist groups abroad, as this is what pays their wages, and very short on the responsibilities of the traitors. The virtue flag waved out of impure self-interest.
No doubt the Sultan of Brunei is lamenting the loss of his honorary degree from the University of Aberdeen and feeling suitably chastised.
Public Service Announcement
He's been called the Blogger of the Decade
His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!
We keep hearing about a semi-legendary Shakespeare theme pub called The BarD which sells artisan ales and Elizabethan eatsadaptation of 16th century recipes.
Anyone actually been there and can prove it?
“The BarD sounds more like a cowboy theme pub in the pseudo-American quarter of town. Probably next door to the café which looks like it's called z'ol when you look through the front window into the street. But it's really Jo's backwards.” U.P.
Q: Is the EbloodyU a serious place to be?
A: Not as long as it has rules on how bendy bananas can be (vague and undefined) and also cucumbers (defined).
“The real reason why the lefty Blob is against SATs is that headmasters are getting kids to do revision sessions during the Easter holiday to polish the school's image and interfering with Blob leisure time.” T.T.
Time for another change
As expected, the good people of Ukraine have rejected politics & corruption and gone for the comedian candidate as their new president. V. Zelenskiy replaces P. Poroshenko, a billionaire businessman, who did his country the big favour of ousting a Russian stooge from the presidency in 2004.
Just a protest, no worries
Does it really matter that two-thirds of Tory voters are going to support Nigel's Brexit Bunch if there are Euro parliament elections? Not to Wasp Woman as The Razor has gone blunt and she's on her way out. And not to the party because most of the defectors will be back for a general election, especially if O.J. Corbynski has been replaced by the slimeline T. Watson as Labour's leader.
“N. Farage offers 'simple populism', is Labour's condemnation. As an alternative to corrupt communism, it sounds harmless and preferable.” D.V.
Switching off lights on motorways to save the planet has had the reverse effect on the motorists using them. The rate of deaths and serious injuries has doubled in the last lightless decade.
A Stockport resident (a near neighbour of Romiley), on hearing that the PM is on a walking holiday in Wales, is reported to have advised her to "keep on going and don't come back". Sadly, politicians never listen to their customers.
How predictable. The EbloodyU gets one-eighth of its charity budget from Britain but it is cheating British-based companies out of opportunities to earn fees for administering projects funded from this budget. Bastards is as bastards does.
The experts have realized that the way to get teens to stop eating junk food is to tell them the manufacturers are exploiting them and play on the natural 'I'm against it' tendency of teenagers to nudge them into scoffing something else.
Eyes on you
Big supermarkets and large stores are in trouble for filming customers covertly (and probably illegally) and using psychologists to try to manipulate them into buying more stuff. Worse, they have also been putting compilations of shoppers dropping stuff and other bloopers on U-Tube without seeking the permission of their victims.
Labour is in trouble for not knowing which day it is. The stooge handling the auntysocial meeja accounts deployed the "Happy St. George's Day" message a day early.
It's true, they do have no shame
Bremoaner Tory MPs are accusing Brexiteers of 'fuelling death threats' as part of their on-going sleaze campaign. The nation now waits, agog, for some jobsworth copper, out to curry favour and secure promotion, concocting bogus hate crime charges against Brexiteers.
Cute child actors, cute message, entirely wrong target
It has been calculated that the earnest young kids who claim to be in fear of extinction are likely to have as much impact on Britain's politicians as someone lecturing vegans on the perils of eating meat.
If they're so worried about carbon dioxide, they should be lecturing politicians from China, the US, India, etc., where it's produced en masse. Tinkering with what the UK produces is the stuff of waving virtue flags; all show and zero effect.
But they're only kids and they don't know any better. And, as has been pointed out before, kids are like parrots. They'll repeat any old load of rubbish without having a clue about the meaning.
“How come no one arrested D. Abbott, MP, for boozing on a London train; something which was banned 10 years ago? It's not as if the pictorial evidence is lacking. One law for them, another for the rest of us.” A.D.V.
Cease and desist!
The Dept. of Health is advising its customers against DIY cosmetic surgery. The doctors' union is up in arms either over lost paid work or overwork due to having to repair botched jobs by unskilled labour.
The NHS is to be banned from paying people not to blow the whistle on malpractice, even if incompetent management suffers embarrassment.
People who sit down at work all day are advised to walk to their place of busines to avoid an early death from Lethal Inactivity Syndrome.
Those on sit-down strike, or sitting to make a nuisance of themselves, are advised to carry on sitting and croak and do the world a favour.
Another blind alley
The world can be saved by giving elderly people more time from traffic lights to cross the road? Wrong! That just leaves traffic stopped for longer periods with engines idling and creating more and more air pollution.
The only way to save the planet is to separate traffic and people to keep the vehicles flowing and give pedestrians access to everywhere without running the risk of being mown down by some maniac in a motor.
Go, Brexit Bunch!
One of Change UK's EuroMP hopefuls has been given the bullet for noticing that most of the pickpockets on the Tube are Romanians. Change UK sounds a pretty poisonous bunch.
GOVERNMENT DECLARES CLIMATE EMERGENCY!
The Government then spends decades chewing over what to do about the emergency.
Nothing gets done, but that's expected if the government is involved.
Anything not nailed down is liable to disappear and the police won't want to know.
That's the rule for C21.
Maybe extinction isn't all that bad an idea for a society full of thieves and jobsworths.
If you buy fuel for a vehicle or gas and/or electricity from a power company, you will be ripped off. That is now an established fact of life.
The old maxim 'Physician, heal thyself' could never have been more apt if 27% of doctors have mental health problems. Especially if the NHS is having to recruit more doctors to treat other staff rather than customers.
Maybe we need a military coup hereurgently
“Get us out of the EbloodyU, the customers demanded THREE bloody years ago. Something which the useless bastards at The HUB have been unable to achieve. So no wonder H2S and the new Elizabeth Line on the Tube are such a shambles And so are the trams in Edinburgh. And the rail link to Glasgow.
“When it comes to getting anything done, politicians are bloody useless.” A.O.
More reasons for the military coup
Despite 'The Cuts' following Labour's profligacy and Austerity due to Labour's profligacy, the NHS is still letting thousands of foreign women come here and have a baby for free on the British taxpayer.
Is it beyond the wit of the government to charge this and other abuses to the foreign aid budget? Apparently, it is as politicians are bloody useless, lying bastards, as concluded above.
Definitely an "O" for Originality!
Two peoples divided by a common language, indeed! Apparently, over the pond, LGBTQ stands for Liberty, Guns, Bible, Trump, BBQ!
“On a point of information, those initials are now being pronounced algae boutique to simplify them.” R.W.
Life isn't all roses for the well-to-do. Rich golfers are being poisoned with pesticides and wealthy sea-food fanatics get mercury poisoning.
The Trump Bonus
Cosying up to the President of the United States has worked big time for Pres. Kim of N. Korea. He's got Pres. Putin eager to give him the VIP treatment in the hope that some of the gloss rubs off on the Russian dictator.
Putin has denied that he is just playing catch-up with Kim but he had undermined himself fatally by refusing to offer any further explanation.
Smoke e-cigs and your lungs will be zapped by fungi and bacteria, the experts have concluded. This living forever business is not as easy as one might think.
Sod off and write your own book, mate!
Is it really acceptable for George C. Looney and his buddies to rewrite Catch 22 because the way women are portrayed gives them the wobbles? Maybe these arrogant SoBs should rewrite the Koran first and if they're still alive in, say, six months, then ask the rest of the world if we want a C20 classic rewritten by the likes of George.
The minority wags the dog again
Thanks to the influence of Islam, the winners of the FA Cup will no longer be allowed to spray one another with champagne afterwards in the privacy of their dressing room.
Naturally, those members of the winning team who are not Moslems or TT will not be given the option of following the tradition among themselves.
Not wanted on voyage
Is some guy who didn't drown when the Titanic and then the Lusitania sank under him the world's luckiest sailor? No way. Never being shipwrecked at all has to be an essential part of the qualification process.
The consequences of anti-vaccination fake news
The Extinction kids no longer have to be worried about global warming. They're all going to be killed off by the current global measles pandemic which is helped by half a million kids in Britain not having been vaccinated.
Screens and children under two do not mix well, the experts reckon. Exposure to TV and the internet at an early age destroys the infant's abiloity to spot fake news.
History in cycles
"I shall remain in Berlin so as to take part, in honourable fashion, in the decisive battle for Germany, and to set a good example for all those Remaining."
Adolf Hitler wrote the above (in German) on 1945/04/24 in a message sent out from his famous Bunker; a copy of which is on offer at an auction for 70 grand.
Substitute 'London' for 'Berlin' and 'The EU' for 'Germany' and it could have come from Downing Street's Bunker on 2019/04/24.
The buck doesn't even get started
Wee Burney Sturgeon has been informed that she has no authority to hold another referendum on Scottish independence at the taxpayer's expense. In fact, if she wants to hold an IndyRef2, she would have to pay for it herself and the result would be without legal authority and meaningless.
“It would be only fair if Wee Burney had to have to pay for a People's Vote on whether there should be another referendum so soon after the 'once in a generation vote' of IndyRef1. She's going to need lots of rich mates.” B.P.C.
It was always inevitable, but the gang in Paris are now trying to pin the Notre Dame fire on someone breaking the rules to have a crafty ciggie.
The Looney Left marches on
As a result of looney rules created by the cosmetic mayor and Transport for London, Wimbledon adverts featuring images of strawberries and cream have been banned from buses, trains, etc. as cream is classed as a junk food (which it isn't, not being a processed product) under these junk rules.
Torquay is under siege by monstrous jellyfish. Something else we can blame on the EbloodyU.
Something to upset them
We are grateful to the Daily Mail for reminding us of the words of the blessed JFK, who pronounced: "Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future." Something to drop on echopest children when they get uppity.
Change UK has lost another Euroelections candidate after it was discovered that he reported, years ago, that he had been chased in Amsterdam by a crazy black wheee.
As the Euro and council elections looms . . .
Vote Labour and get tax misery
for the many, not just the few.
Going round in circles
Theatres are eager to flog e-tickets for shows in order to wave virtue flags by not issuing paper tickets. Then they have the cheek to get the hump when people who have their ticket on a phone forget to switch it off and the phone starts ringing, chirping, whatever during the show.
A stand against the bad guys
The National Association of Scholars in the United States; a network of scholars and citizens united by a commitment to academic freedom, disinterested scholarship, and excellence in American higher education; has realized that it needs to start a fight for intellectual freedom on university campuses. No danger of the same happening here, though.
“Something else sinister going on over there is an attempt to make the American Census Bureau asking people in 2020 if they are citizens of the United States. The aim is to add seats in Congress to states which have large migrant populations and ignore the warning from the Founding Fathers against letting foreigners manipulate representation by overwhelming the country.” A.B.
“The time has come to revive the much neglected term ‘twerp' for idiots in office, luvvies, outrage confectors and all the other people who live to invent stupid rules and make silly complaints.” D.F.
Looks like all the famous Tories are joining Nigel's Brexit Bunch for the Euro elections. Which makes the rest look like robotic jobsworths fighting a battle no one wants and lending their support to a cause they don't believe in; which makes them hypocrites.
“Is there someone in the chain of command at The HUB whose job it is to give Berko a slap when he gets above himself? If not, there must be thousands of people who would pay good money for the chance to hold this essential job.” C.V.
Russia, it has been revealed, is trying to depopulate the West by spreading anti-vaccine fake news on auntysocial meeja to try to kill everyone off with measles, etc.
Naturally, Brexit is getting the blame
Austria is having another climate emergency with fears of a drought like last year's effort. Farmers are expecting a bleak harvest [don't they always? Ed.] and firemen are looking forward to more overtime than they can shake a stick at when the forest fires begin.
“"The Yellow Vest Pests in France want to pay less fuel tax. The Echoyobs in Britain want other people to pay more to prevent the yobs from going extinct. Why not drag the whole lot of them to Battle, near Hastings, and see who wins a rumble?” H.S.
“It was always kind of inevitable but Greta, the echokid, is now being dismissed as an obsessive on the receiving end of Pushy Parent Syndrome.” R.W.
“Nice to know there's nothing serious going on in the world if the sagas of Sir Mo and the Furore Hotel and Greta, the echobrat, are getting so much newspaper coverage.” N.G.
“What we have to ask ourselves is whether President Trump and HM the Queen will feel any sense of loss at not having O.J. Corbynski and Berko glowering at them during a state banquet.” R.C.
Northern Ireland has been without a devolved government for over 2 years after the IRA threw a wobbly over a suspected green energy swindle. And yet, things haven't come to a standstill. How surprising.
Standing up for the fakery
EbloodyC president J.-C. Druncker is planning to wage a vigorous war during the Euro elections in an attempt to suppress all exposés and revelations of malpractice by the EbloodyU's administrators.
His main opponent is the Hungarian PM, V. Orban, who is always ready to take a swipt at Herr Druncker when he strays from the path of righteousness. [Which is pretty much all the time. Ed.]
They don't seem to be sneaky about messages, these days. Companies with a film to sell just cobble together a long TV advert and shove bald BOOK TICKETS NOW on a black screen right in front of the viewer. Or do they? Maybe there are subliminal commands buried as well. After all, advertisers are noted for their sneakiness.
Pack up and move on
“Change is the natural order of things, as demonstrated so ably by King Knut during his beach holiday. All we can do is adapt and go with the flow. The Xtinctionists are free to go back to a golden Mediaeval lifestyle if that's what they really want, but they have no right to impose it on those who find their Luddite views tedious.” C.G.
Harmless waste of time
The SNP has voted at its conference for a new Scottish currency [the SuperGroat? Ed.] after they get their independence. Which was about as meaningful as deciding what they'd spend it on if some rich Englishman gave them a fiver.
“It's worth remembering that Scotland is in the UK only because its rulers blew all of the nation's wealth and had to be bailed out by England. And that spirit of fiscal incompetence lives on. No one has yet forgotten Gordon F. Brown, and his countrymen & women have learnt nothing from his disasters.” G.O.
The world's least convincing explanation?
Which? consumer-tested fitness trackers for accuracy by putting victims on a treadmill and getting them to run a marathon. One gadget wanted the poor sod wearing it to go 37 miles instead of 26.2 miles.
Garmin, the manufacturer, claimed that their gadget was so far off because Which? had used one without a GPS system. Which would have been of how much use in the case of someone trying to run 26.2 miles on a stationary treadmill?
Is this the bobby of tomorrow?
The question in our title was asked in the Daily Mail on September 1st, 1978, we have gathered from an ancient newspaper cutting, which resurfaced briefly on the way to a recycling bin. The cheerful copper on the left had strapped on a pistol for a trial in Lambeth of a group of terrorists and the newspaper's reaction was a bit shock-horror.
But judging from the rather more seriously armed coppers we see lurking about 40 years later [right], the verdict on the Mail's headline has to be: "Not even close, mate".
25% of Scots adults claim they can't manage on their salary. How will they manage when they lose subsidies from English taxpayers? Either directly or via the EbloodyU.
It's cruel to mock the afflicted, but we can make an exception
Surprise! The Swedish Wunderkind who's given the meeja such a thrill turns out to be an obsessive who has frightened herself into an eating disorder over global warming propaganda, and who's trying to take the rest of the world with herwith the encouragement of pushy parents.
Natch, all the luvvies and looney lefties are insisting we take notice of the poor little girl because she's having a tough time.
Our 1p and 2p coins are safefor the moment. The Chancellor pro tem, Hapless Hammond, has been ordered to do a U-turn on his plan to abolish them.
The Communists are no longer having it all their own way in Spain with the rise of the Nationalist Vox party, which is expected to claim two dozen seats in the parliament after Sunday's general election. Which is 824 seats more than the Tories are expected to have after the protest bloodbath of the local elections this coming Thursday.
“If voters turn their backs on Tory candidates and let spendthrift Labour take over local councils, who are they going to blame when their Council Tax bill shoots up to pay for all the non-jobs created for Labour's mates? Not themselves, that's for sure!” E.C.
Another processional Grand Prix in Azerbaijan. The only excitement was a bit of off-track bad driving by Ricciardo, who overshot Turn 3, tried to rejoin the race but reversed into Kvyat, who had followed him off the track, taking both cars out of the race.
The government's Fracking Tsar has quit because she thinks her masters' wibbly-wobbly approach to shale gas extraction means that it will never happen here and her job is an unnecessary waste of public money. Something which never seems to bother politicians.
There's a lot more carbon in soil than in the atmosphere, and not a lot of people know that, we're assured by experts trying to startle us. Which has to be up for a prize for the silliest shock-horror attempt.
The atmosphere contains 400 parts per million of carbon dioxidethat's just 0.04% and it contributes just 3.6% of the greenhouse effect, which means that human going carbon-neutral everywhere won't achieve much.
Any educated person should not be surprised to know that soil contains lots of carbon, both in minerals such as carbonates and in up to 10% by weight of organic compounds. These carbon compounds are what makes soil work as a growing medium. If there were just 0.04% of them, soil wouldn't work.
It is worth remembering that past rises in the Earth’s temperature have always been followed by a rise in atmospheric carbon dioxide a few centuries later. Which is the opposite of the scenario the Warmists would have us believe, namely that the temperature rises were caused by an increased carbon dioxide level.
Give us the cash and push off
The reason why the police precept went up by 14% in Romiley residents' new, improved Council Tax this month has been revealed. Greater Manchester Police needs it for pay rises and increased pension contributions for the growing cadre of senior coppers, who decide which crimes can be ignore. [i.e. most of them. Ed.]
Good Sense? Wasted @ Westmonster
The International Development Sec., P. Mordaunt, is lobbying to divert cash from the bloated overseas aid budget to local councils which have to support children dumped in Britain by foreigners. Nice to know there's one member of the government who isn't a total idiot.
The bloke in charge of rare birds at Regent's Park in London thinks all pet cats should be kept indoors. The guy has obviously never been near a cat in his life and doesn't know they are fast, smart, crafty and always get their own way.
Which proves, yet again, that an expert in any given field can be a total idiot out of it.
The forecasters are talking about a 3-month heatwave to come. That's after winter returns for the opener of May's two bank holidays, of course.
The nation's police farces have announced that anyone making a rape allegation who won't hand over their mobile phone and tablet, and all of their passwords to on-line accounts, will be ignored.
If you're thinking about going to France tomorrow, think again. May Day will be a day out for Yellow Vest Pests, trade unionists and every daft protest group under the Sun, and France will be out to lunch for the whole day.
Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.
|Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression|
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, April MM19, like anyone cares