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 Glad not to be there
On the last day of January, the wind chill factor was -52 deg.F in Chicago and -65 deg.F in western Minnesota, thanks to a dislocation in the polar vortex sending frozen air in their direction, and Lake Michigan was frozen over.
Naturally, the warmists are claiming the Big Freeze as one of theirs — after mumbling the usual list of bet-hedges.
 Leonardo da Vinci is credited with inventing most of the wonders of the modern world. Add time travel to the list after one of his drawings; now in the Queen's collection; was found to bear a superficial resemblance to the Duke of Edinburgh in his nineties.
 Words which might be needed this month : Snowzilla, Frankenstorm.
 The Day of the Jackal but left a bit?
Madame MacRon had better hope that her bodyguards can be trusted. The wife of the diminutive French president is a drag on his popularity, his closest aides believe, and they are convinced that the only her death would make the yellow-vest pests love MacRon.
 Not so much democracy as DIMocracy
They've made a total mess of Brexit, and as a reward, our MPs are being allowed to skive off on a 10-day holiday rather than getting to grips with essential legislation, which means that whatever eventually hits the statute book will be another mess.
Just brilliant.
 Two speeds — dead slow & stop
The Speedboat Killer J. Shepherd is in a real pickle. He's being held in gaol in Georgia whilst extradition proceedings are going on, and the pace is making a snail look nippy.
The court in Georgia is waiting for documents from the British legal system and the Devon police, and given the pace of good old British public sector burrocracy, Shepherd could easily spend 10 years in gaol waiting for things to happen. And then another five years waiting to find out if the president of Georgia wants to give him citizenship.
[Hint: they're welcome to him. Ed.]
 Yet another reason to want out of the EU — the boobies in Brussels going along with a Spanish fiction about Gibraltar being a British colony when it is an independent, self-determining territory, which voted 98% to 2% not to be Spanish in a referendum. All the more reason for boycotting goods from Spain, given that there are lots of alternatives.
 Labour claims monopoly on right to bribe
Labour's leaders and convicted Bremoaners insist that only they should have a right to offer cash incentives to neglected areas out of the taxpayer's pocket. That's the message from the gang who are objecting to the PM's offer of regeneration cash for Labour areas which voted 'Leave' in the referendum – along with O.J. Corbynski – in return for backing her Brexit deal.
Stockpiling . . .
O'besity is now officially a Good Thing as only the fat will survive the famine years following Brexit, when farmers and food companies based in the EU will choose to go bankrupt rather than sell their goods to a country which no longer belongs to the Europeon club.
 Political experiment
Our South America correspondent, Zinc Reynolds, reports that Venezuela is set to become a polypartite nation with areas controlled by the dictator who rigged the last presidential election with Chinese and Russian help, and areas controlled by supporters of the fugitive speaker of the national parliament, who has been recognized as the de facto president pro tem by most of the West.
 Q: How does a Snoflake get a job?
A: By concocting a tale on auntiesocial meeja which makes them into a victim and hoping to hear from someone with more sympathy than sense.
 Little known fact: Abraham Lincoln was the first US president to accept the Dodgeball Challenge.
Fake energy saving
The government claimed that its energy price cap would save 11 million customers £76/year. But Ofgem, the regulator, is going to raise the cap as an April Fool joke. As a result, the real saving will be £19/year.
Visit if you're feeling brave!
The former communist paradise Uzbekistan is offering 30-day visa-free holiday opportunities to British tourists, and it is removing Stalinist restrictions such as a ban on photography in the spectactularly ornate metro system.
Snags? It takes 10 hours to fly there (and probably about the same hanging around at airports). The FO reckons that ‘most' visits will be trouble free. Anyone who falls out of this ‘most' category will probably end up in some hell-hole of a gaol, cursing the useless FO and wishing they were dead.
 What do experts know anyway?
Legal experts say there would be no need to prosecute Prince Philip over his recent RTA (should the CPS consider taking him to court) if he were to surrender his driving licence.
One small problem — what if he doesn't have one to surrender, having started driving in the years before driving licences were invented?
Snoflakes rained on
The forces of law & order are starting to catch up with the snoflake students, who insist on blanket bans on everything with the potential to upset their delicate sensibilities.
They are now being clubbed with the 1986 Education Act, which protects freedom of speech for visitors to educational establishments as long as their speech is lawful, and prevents the snoflakes from extending their safe area nanny zone to the entire site.
Now that the rules have been made clear to them, the fascist bairns can be hauled into court if they ignore these rules.
 More rewards for failure
Perhaps the greatest scandal of the public sector is the way people whose major screw-up is about to be exposed can retire on a full pension with no consequences.
The latest example is the No. 2 and No. 3 blokes at the disgraced Scottish Crime & Drug Enforcement Agency strolling off into the sunset after it was discovered that documents revealing the state of administrative shambles at a police undercover unit were burnt in a garden incinerator to cover everything up.
The former No. 1 SCDEA boss baled out a while ago. Also with no consequences.
Oh, no, he isn't! Oh, yes, he is!
The SNP is trying to manipulate O.J. Corbynsky by accusing him of plotting with the prime minister to help her get her Brexit deal through the Commons.
His response is to accuse the SNP of embracing Tory austerity — but without admitting that it was Labour's fiscal lunacy that made it necessary in the first place.
 The Venezuelan government has announced that if the UK government doesn't call an immediate general election, Venezuela will recognize the Squeaker of the House of Commons as the legitimate president of England.
Held to ransom
Teachers in Scotland reckon they have a cunning plan to winkle a 10% pay rise out of their government. A threat to go on strike, they feel, will be one problem too many for an SNP regime which is struggling to manufacture Brexit crises and grounds for a second independence referendum (to follow the once-in-a-generation IndyRef1).
The teachers are confident that Wee Burney will cave in and let them have what they're demanding as the easy option.
Something most people can't be bothered looking up:
Q: What is a Vega?
 A: An open plain — which applies in spades to the desert around Las Vegas.
Afficionado (n) — a mug who paid £150 for an electric kettle which takes 6 minutes to bring its contents to the boil.
After no-booze January comes fizz-free Feb. Which means no champagne and only still cider for the kids.
Not at all Super, that Bowl
The Rams didn't have any offence in the first half. The Patriots survived blowing the opening drive with an interception. They had quite a lot of offence but they missed a field goal try and eventually went in for their half-time cups of tea just 3-0 up. A real bunch of non-entities did the half-time show.
The Rams managed a long field goal in the third quarter for 3-all. The first red-zone trip of the match didn't happen to the fourth quarter, when the Patriots managed a touchdown with 7 minutes to go.
The New England defence intercepted a pass in the 11th minute and a 41 yard field goal put the Patriots 13-3 up in the 14th minute. Missing a 48 yard field goal with 5 seconds left on the clock rained on the Rams' hopes of fielding an on-side kick with time on the clock and pulling off a miracle TD-scoring play.
Can't wait for the opening of the CFL season.
What will they dream up next?
The latest scam from the power companies is . . . vegan electricity. What is it? Well, premium 'green' electricity can be generated using farm and food waste in anaerobic digesters, and its manufacture can involve using animal products. Vegan electricity is made from veggies only. Which is probably why its premium is double the tariff on 'green' electricity because Vegans have lots more money (and even less sense) than Greens.
Point of Information: The stuff that comes out of the plug socket at 'green' or 'vegan' prices is indistinguishable from normal, non-premium electricity.
Labour's anti-Semmitism 'crisis' cracked
The party's secretary-general, J. Formby, has revealed that anti-Semmitism is endemic and part of the heart and soul of the Labour movement. It is never, ever going to go away and all efforts to root it out of its hidey-holes among the Corbynite Tendency are doomed to failure.
Problem solved, move along, nothing to see . . .
The Warmists would have us believe that global warming will reduce the length of the average chip-shop chip by one inch precisely.
Economics and fraud, not Brexit
Brexit is getting the blame for Nissan opting not to build new diesel-powered cars in the UK. Not a word about the backlash following the massive emissions fraud perpetrated by European manufacturers of diesel cars and a huge downturn in diesel vehicle sales as a consequence.
Brexit is just a whipping boy when the ones who really deserve the thrashing are Warmists, crooks and incompetent politicians. [Tautology. Ed.]
 “The BBC should do what it can with the money it has rather than picking the pockets of the over-74s. Value for money should be the rule at the Beeb, and paying gary bloody lineker the best part of two billion quid a year should be in line as the first cut.” I.M.76
The government's minions are finalizing plans to evacuate the Royal Family and all portable art treasures to Canada in the event of Bremoaners and Britain's other enemies fomenting riots following a no-treaty Brexit.
The Chinese Lunatic New Year (of the Pig) has begun.
Whoda thunk it?
+ + + Booze industry in crisis + + + Fewer adults guzzling more than the recommended 14 units of alcohol per week ++ + But deaths due to alcohol abuse UP 16% over last decade + + + Spit the bones out of that! + + +
They need to pay attention in future
An ancient video surfaces and Labour's Bremoaners start screeching at O.J. Corbynsky over his views on the EU's military Frankenstein. How strange, when it's no secret that he has been against the EU and all its poisonous works, like . . forever. If Labour's Bremoaners are pretending to believe that Corbynsky once believed in Straight Talking, Honest Politics but he deviated from the Path of Light, they're just exposing themselves to even more ridicule.
“A level of ridicule equal to that heaped on Mr. Corbynsky for expecting us to believe that he voted Remain in the referendum.” W.B.
No one is too nasty to have apologists?
The Friends of Jamaican Criminals are trying to use the Home Office bog-ups over Windrush migrants' rights to be here to prevent deportations of criminal migrants back to where they came from. Murderers and rapists are included in the ranks of undesirables that the FJCs want to keep polluting our shores.
“Interference with these deportation flights is a grievous and appalling insult to the principles of law, justice and fairness, and the sort of thing only nasty bastards do.” L.E.
Q: Will O.J. Corbynski ever find a seat on the Truth Train?
A: No, they're all the wrong colour or inconveniently empty.
FYI: There is a special place in Hell for everyone who took the EU's shilling and got druncker and drunker on entitlement at the taxpayer's expense.
“That special place in Hell for Brexiteers? It's called the E bloody U.” F.M.
“That special place in Hell has J.-C. Druncker behind the bar and no one ever offers to buy him a drink.” P.A.
Reality bites
The outlook for the French economy is decidedly rocky in 2019 after President MacRon did a Gordon F. Broon and conjured €10,000 million out of thin air for low-paid workers in an attempt to buy off the Yellow-Vest Pests.
Deficit reduction is off the agenda and the gap between public spending and income for the government will exceed the EU limit of 3% of GDP. Not that the French are worried about the latter as the hypocrites of the EU never bothered to notice when it happening time and time again in places like Greece and Italy.
The further good news for the French is that their economy will take another huge hit when Britain exits the EU without a treaty deal. But self-harm has never been a problem for Continental Europe's politicians.
Reality bites again
Venice is doomed. The city is unable to cope with mass tourism as more and more visitors try to do a modern Grand Tour. Why? Because the hotels and eateries adopt such rip-off tactics that tourists stay elsewhere and just bob in to town to look at the architecture.
The locals have turned against tourists, blaming them for rises in rents and the closure of many small businesses. Their problem is that if they drive the tourists away, they'll have even less hope of survival. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
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The way forward
Forget Five-a-Day. The experts want everyone to eat at least 10 portions of fruit and vegetables per day now, and if they get their way, it won't end there.
The whole population will have to spend their entire day munching fruit and veg. until, with no one working, the money runs out, so does the food and everyone starves to death.
Which will solve the current crises of o'besity, a lack of housing for all the illegal immigrants, NHS overcrowding/overdemand and the lack of care facilities for the elderly. And there will be no one left to panic about global warming.
Hot, hot, hot!
The next five years will be the hottest in history, say the experts. [That's recorded history, which is, like, just a blink of an eye in the expanse of all history. Ed.] Which is good news for all the old people who would have died in the depths of winter if the Warmists had their way and plunged us into a new Ice Age. And good news for everyone who can turn down the central heating and save lots of cash.
Cities in Sweden have started to say NO to beggars; both active and passive ones. Putting a ban on them is a matter of public order but mostly a matter of principles, say the architects of the campaign.
Reasons for getting out of the E bloody U:
1. D. Tusk, 2. J.C. Druncker, 3. the Irish Teashop for starters.
Lest we forget, the EU is anti-democratic and anti-accountability, and fronted by overpaid political has-beens.
Better late than never—
but there's no excuse for this much lateness
Compare the hotel websites are having to stop swindling their customers by pushing them at those hotels which pay the website the most commission. Something else they won't be able to do is rush people into a booking by pretending that 99 other people are after the deal the visitor is considering.
It has taken the Competition and Markets Authority years to get off its fat arse and take action. The bad news is that nothing will happen until the end of this year, so lots more swindles to come.
Bang! go a lot of Tory votes
If the Department of alleged Justice succeeds in changing the current probate fee to a new Stealth Tax by underhand means, there will be no difference between Conservatives and Labour, and no point in voting for either of them.
Dear Editor of the Daily Mail:
The average water bill is £415/year, according to the Mail on 7th Feb. On which planet? I've just had my bill from United Utilities for 2019/20 and my new balance is £754.82.
Regards, an unconvinced reader.
Urban terror
The operators of National Car Parks are waiting to be charged with mass kidnapping after an alleged third-party software glitch froze exit barriers and left thousands of unlucky motorists at the mercy of jobsworth staff. Many had to call the police to escape their ordeal and they are good and mad and liable to sue for wrongful imprisonment.
40% of pensioners will starve to death if the BBC is allowed to steal their free TV licence, according to the experts.
Q: How does one pick a good university?
A: Check out the vice-chancellor's salary and the number of unconditional places on offer—the higher they are, the worse the university, by and large.
The BBC's share of radio listeners has slumped to 50% of the national audience but no one is blaming the Director of Radio's lack of knowledge of the industry and no one is mentioning that he is a failed Labour MP who was parachuted into the job by the D.G. of the Beeb.
“The Warmists have admitted that they are seeking to drive temperatures back to pre-industrial levels when Britain had slipped from the balmy Mediaeval Warm Period into shivering in a mini-Ice Age when there were frost fairs on the Thames.
“Thanks a bunch, you bastards, but no way.” D.C.
Bossier boots
An analysis of 380,000 speeches has found that Conservatives tend to know what they're talking about and go in for plain speaking.
Liberals and other lefties, in contrast, are less sure of their ground and seek to drown their audiences in a torrent of words full of ambiguities and contradictions, hoping to leave the listeners losing the will to live and too switched off to disagree with them.
We can all relax
There can't be anything terrible going on in the world if some of the national newspapers, and the TV news, had to fall back on a News of the World dirty vicar story about Sir P. Green on their front page.
“Sir P. Green was a phone-smasher, shock horror? Maybe he was just releasing his inner Gordon F. Brown.” T.V.
The government has torn up a Brexit cross-Channel transport relief deal made with a shipping company with no ships after an Irish potential partner (with ships) pulled out. The Irish government being unhelpful is getting the blame.
“Why is Vince Cable supporting assisted dying? Could it be that this is the Liberals hoping that all the old people who voted for Brexit will choose to croak and leave the Bremoaners in charge? And absolutely ancient Vince is hoping to cling to life like a human limpet to see that glorious day dawn?” C.V.
“Can someone still be an Honourable Member of the House of Common Criminals after doing a month or so in clink? Sadly, the answer has to be yes, given the devalued state of 'honourable' in a place swarming with expenses thieves.” Y.M.
 Peace for our time
Could it be that the British Army's attempts to recruit Snoflakes, which appear to be working, are part of an international conspiracy to end war? After all, how much fighting would go on if two armies of Snoflakes met on what two sets of mad politicians hoped was going to be a battlefield?
 The Corbynist regime of N. Maduro in Venezuela is doing its best to starve its opponents into submission. The latest tactic is to blockade a bridge connecting to Colombia to prevent US aid being imported into Venezuela via Colombia.
Further to the complaints about organizations like Gooble and Amazon not paying a fair share of tax to the countries where they make big bucks—Netflix, with 139 million subscribers, paid less than bugger all in US federal and state taxes in 2018 despite making record profits of $845million. That 'less than' arose from a $22million rebate.
Also in the US, the Democrats are being booted for going in for anti-Semmitism as enthusiastically as the Labour party here. By doing so, they are giving Republicans a big chance to play the holier-than-thou card by pointing out their many transgressions.
Just to be clear about this . . .
The bosses in Iran and state-energized mobs have been yelling “Death to America” since the Shah of Persia was evicted from the Peacock Throne back in the mists of the 20 century. And they have been misunderstood.
According to a clarification issued some 40 years late by the supreme leader, the Ayatollah Bunchacommies, the ill-will is aimed only at the politicians in charge of the United States. Which means that hapless saints like former President O'Bummer were being ill-willed as much as 'in yer face' achievers like current President Trump.
Yellow-Vest Pests from both right and left of French politics took a break from booting rozzers to have a go at one another in Lyon at the weekend.
Commentators on auntiesocial meeja posted numerous complaints of not being able to tell the two sides apart—as they were all wearing yellow vests—and not knowing which side to join for the battle.
The Italian PM, L. Di Maio, is stirring the pot actively by meeting the YVPs and giving them encouragement by blaming past left- and right-wing French governments for pursuing policies calculated to impoverish their citizens.
Unreal?
Five works attributed to the German painter and political leader A. Hitler failed to find buyers at a weekend auction of Nazibilia held in Nuremberg. Various theories are on offer, including intimidation by left-wing mobsters and uncertainty about the authenticity of the paintings.
Herr Hitler is in danger of becoming one of the most-forged 20th century artists, says our art consultant. Experts dismiss his style as that of a moderately ambitious amateur whose pictures do not stand out from the hundreds of thousands of other works created in the same period. Which makes getting the signature right about the only challenge for the art forger.
 One way to avoid them
No one is ever going to complain about deficiencies in the service offered by North Ayrshire council. Why? Because their smartphone complaints crapp doesn't work.
 Just plain useless
US House of Representatives Squeaker N. Pelosi insists that her simulated applause for President Trump's State of the Union speech wasn't sarcastic. It was just inept. She's a politician and she lacks all social graces.
Global warming will kill off all insects in the world by 2119, which is good news for midge-plagued tourists in Scotland.
Bear warning
The Novaya Zemlya islands in the Arctic region off Russia's north coast are experiencing invasions of marauding polar bears. A population explosion due to the activities of charities which have copped for grants from the UN and other Warmist organizations is getting the blame.
The local administrators have declared a state of emergency and they are planning a cull, knowing that they live somewhere too cold and too off-limits to civilians for the usual suspects to mount any protests.
We'll rule the waves again
Britain's defence sec., Private Pike-Williamson, is modernizing the armed forces in preparation for starting wars against both China and Russia. Both commie regimes are getting above themselves, sez Private Pike.
 Private Pike-Williamson's plan to refurb the Royal Navy has a cunning twist. It involves reviving the concept of the Q-Ship by buying up clapped-out ferries and cargo ships and outfitting them with camouflaged missile pods.
Combined with swarms of radar-blocking drones, the new navy's stealth fleet will have the capacity to sneak up on enemies and zap them before they know what's going on.
Islamic State is moving into cyberspace now that the terrorist gang's occupied areas in the real world are being liberated by the Forces of Light.
More junk people needed
Members of the Protest Community have come up with an interesting tactic to ensure that their gang is embraced by future generations. They are encouraging kids to bunk off school so that they enter the real world too thick to pick holes in PC propaganda.
The Nat. Assn. of Head Teachers thinks a day spent abstaining from school could be a valuable life experience. You'd think they'd know better, but knowing what to do to set a good example is something the Blob has left far behind.
“Head teachers are just like kids in that they love to have any old excuse to bunk off. And they enjoy the additional advantage of being paid on their day off.” H.E.
“The thing about kids is that they are (a) serial attention-seekers who will resort to any sort of bad behaviour to get it, and (b) like parrots in that they'll repeat any load of rubbish their owners offer to them if they think that's what's expected of them.” L.S.P.
The Barrel-scraping Broadcasting Company is having to resort to expenses-swindling German MEPs to bolster its anti-Brexit chorus.
EXTRICATION DAY – The big debate is whether that's March 29th or the date on which we finally escape the transition period and having to pay billions into the EU's corrupt and wasteful coffers.
Relax, the problem won't last
The care of the elderly crisis in Britain is only temporary, the experts have realized. It will be solved when all the old people who were raised on proper food and who know how to cook have gone to their reward.
Their descendants, who live on ultra-processed, mass-produced foods, are cutting years off their lifespan by doing so and will not last anywhere near as long as the current breed of oldie.
“One does swing towards favouring the people who are condemning ultra-processed foods on learning that things like titanium dioxide, the pigment used in white paint, can be put into foods @ Dr. Frankenstein's factories. One shudders to think what else is perfectly legal to stick into food.” J.B.
 This is an oadlay of ollocksbay or:
Relax, the problem doesn't exist
All the hoo-haa about anti-Semmitism in the Labour party is just BS. We have been reminded that Swami Chuckabutty, noted doxy of the usual suspects, carried out an in-depth investigation of Labour in 2016 and found not the slightest evidence of it. She even got a seat in the House of Frauds as her reward for reaching the right conclusion.
“Maybe she should offer her services to the Democraps in America, who seem to have got themselves into the same pickle as the Corbynistas. She could even cop for a Presidential Medal of Honor from the next Democrap president after she clears them of all wrong-doing!” K.M.
“Meanwhile, in France, the Yellow-Vest Pests are being blamed for an alleged rise in anti-Semmitism since the end of last year. President MacRon, the target of the YVP protests, is particularly keen to make the link to achieve victim status for himself and a free pardon for all his crimes against the French population.” L.F.
Never going to happen
Work & Pensions Sec. A. Rudd will bale out of her threat to gaol company bosses who 'lose' their employees' pension fund as the same would have to apply to politicians who do the same.
The first to get a 99 years to life sentence @ Dartmoor for pension theft would, of course, be Gordon F. Broon, The Man Who Stole Your Pension.
The Dutch prime minister decoded
PM Rutte claimed that Britain is a diminished country because of Brexit. What he was really doing was launching a whinge about the plight of the Netherlands.
Holland is one of the few positive contributors to the corruption-predated EU budget and gets the worst deal possible out of its membership. That deal is about to get one Hell of a lot worse when the EU can no longer extract cash from the UK.
Time for an oil change
The prime monster's gobsworth stooge, Oily Robins, has his gas at a peep after being jumped upon for disloyalty. It happens to all of them eventually. They get too big for their boots and blabber recklessly at the mouth.
There is a move afoot to award a knighthood to O.J. Corbynsky so that he can be ceremonially stripped of it because of his many crimes against truth, justice and humanity.
Big Brother of the 21st Century
Microsoft's new web browser will feature built-in censorship which will put ticks on all pieces of fake news which the parent company likes and big, red warning signs beside or over anything which does not serve Microsoft's usual suspects agenda.
Bloody typical
The world's best goalkeeper, the late Gordon Banks, was deprived of a knighthood because some useless jobsworth stooge on the government's honours committee lost the paperwork. Natch, the government's stooges are denying this happened, but they would, wouldn't they.
Total Bollocks of the 21st Century
A man can be called a mother, according to a government legal mouthpiece. Why? Because the government has decided that motherhood is no long gender specific.
It has also ruled that 'up' can be 'down', or vice versa, depending on which suits the government's current agenda better.
“A man certainly can be called a mother. But when he is, it's generally a shortened version of mother******.” B.L.
Setting an example
Spain's teenage prime minister has called a general election for the end of April after failing to get his budget through his parliament. We have Brexiteers vs Bremoaners, they have Spanish Lefties vs Righties and Basques & Catalans; the spendthrifts vs the people who have to pay for the extravagances.
They'll do anything to get noticed
Sales of plastic tits have soared among those who feel they have something to say about Brexit but no one will listen to their tosh unless they make an exhibition of themself.
Purely to give the country informed and honest rulers
Shadow Chancellor J. McDonnell's absurd claim that Sir W. Churchill sent troops to Wales to massacre rioting miners in 1910 is curious, to say the least.
We live in an information age, in which the truth can be located with little effort and fake news of the type spouted by McDonnell can be exposed as BS quite readily. But still people like him continue to parade their little lies in the hope of achieving attention.
Maybe this makes the case for a compulsory close psychological examination for all wannabe government ministers and rejection at an early stage for the defective ones.
Gone and forgotten
As well as abandoning waiting time targets in the NHS, which are creating more problems than they are worth, the government is also considering binning recycling targets on the pragmatic ground that local councils are simply not up to meeting them.
A real dilemma for the People's Outrage Network
Should we adults warn the kids who are skiving off skool to prevent global warming that if they encourage the Warmists, they'll end up paying for enough snake oil to raise the average sea level by 42 metres?
And that the said snake oil will turn out to be totally unsuitable for recycling when they try to get rid of it?
Given that young things never listen to their elders and betters, we might as well let them enjoy the shock of the ENORMOUS bill when it's presented to them in due course.
History at a price
"Build the Bismark week by week!", the TV ad yells at us. All you have to do is buy a modest 140 magazines at a very modest nine quid a throw. Which means that you're going to end up paying for your model, close to what it cost the German Navy to build the original battleship!
Anyone who's daunted by the investment involved in building a model of the Bismark might consider the cheaper alternative of building a Terminator. It's still 9 quid a pop for the magazines, but there are only 120 extractions.
Foot-dragging at the banks
The big banks told us they were going to introduce in July this year, the anti-fraud measure of checking that the name of the recipient of a cash transfer matches the name on the target account. That won't now happen until 2020 or even later.
Getting to grips with nay-sayers — human leaves on the line
Broadly speaking, there are two categories of nay-sayers:
(a) People who say "No, it can't be done" as a reflex because they don't want to have to make an effort. They are usually found in the public sector.
(b) People like O.J. Corbynsky, who always want to repeat the blunders of the past and dig the Brown Hole in the economy even deeper. "Nay!" or even "Nay, Nay and thrice Nay!" should always be said as a reflex to people like him.
Against the tide
We are constantly being assured that plastic is poisoning the planet and only natural products are acceptable. A message which has failed to reach the clothes shops run by Booboo, which is busy replacing wool with polyester on vegan ethical grounds.
Booboo has done a quick U-turn, wool is suddenly acceptable again and the vegans have plant-based egg all over their faces.
Reality Check
There is a move afoot to line up all the 'business leaders' who are moaning about Brexit uncertainty so that each can receive a hearty slap about the chops before being informed that Britain is conducting negotions with the EU's civil service — an organization as fanatical as Daesh and with the morals of a flock of serial killers.
Of course, there's bloody uncertainly. That's what the foot-dragging EU specializes in.
War-mongering twitting by the teenage Defence Sec. has done the Bremoaner Chancellor out of a jolly to China. Private Pike-Williamson's threats to match their sabre-rattling in the South China Sea have given the Chinese government the hump big time.
Corbyn's sweetie jar empty?
A dozen or so frustrated mainly Blairite Labour MPs are reported to be on the verge of quitting the party because they're not feeling looked after and stroked.
Their hump reasons range from not getting their leader's support for a second Brexit referendum to their leader's lack of action over endemic anti-Semmitism in the Labour movement.
They never will be missed
Tory Bremoaners are trying to head off deselection with claims that their local Conservative association has been tooken over by UKIP infiltrators the way Momentum took over Labour and gave us O.J. Corbynsky as a national hero. Sounds like a tactic doomed to indifference
Up-sizing
The RAF is having to fit new ejector seats to its fighters to cope with the menace of the fat pilot. Existing seats can handle a load only up to 15 stones. The new ones will be able to boost an 18-stone monster to safety.
Drop in the oil well
Tax exile Beardie Branson is hoping to raise $100M to provide food and other essentials for the struggling peasants of the Corbynite paradise which is modern Venezuela.
He has to raise a huge amount to make any sort of difference as the expectation is that the regime and its stooges will stroll off with 95% of anything that makes it across the border.
Interesting consequence
The diversity mob is demanding a non-white face on the new £50 note, but have they considered the implications? After all, how many times does an average punter actually handle a fifty?
Most of the diverse fifties will end up hidden away in the pockets of drug dealers and other criminals. Leaving the rest of us with cash bearing pix of people who made a contribution to British life big enough that we've actually heard of them.
 There was a word for it
The BLTZ lobby eternally struggles to come up with a term for people who insist they are neither male nor female, or a different gender from the one written in their chromosomes.
Help is at hand. All we have to do is revive the word NONDESCRIPT to have just three categories—M(ale), F(emale) and N(ondescript).
March of the nondescripts
Some British Dr. Frankenstein could well be the first surgeon to transplant a womb into a bloke to let him experience the joys of pregnancy and childbirth.
Quite what the weird cocktail of chemicals circulating in the bloodstream of the organ's host will do to the unborn infant doesn't bear thinking about.
Death by kitchen pollution?
Toasting a couple of slices of bread raises the concentration of ultra-fine particles in the kitchen's atmosphere to 3x the WHO recommended maximum for 15-20 minutes (if the extractor fan isn't on).
Roasting a large turkey releases 20x the maximum for hours. Is this grounds for alarm? No one knows. The superfine particles can get into the bloodstream and be deposited in the lungs, but no one knows if that does any damage and the WHO figure is just 'think of a number' in action.
But, no doubt, the fast-food industry will seize on this latest scare and try to get home-cooking banned on environmental grounds.
Image is everything
Dregsy Hatton, who was chucked out by Neil Pillock for bankrupting Liverpool in a Militant Tendency fit of pique, is now the new poster boy for the reduced Labour party. Which tells us everything we need to know about the state of it.
Chunky the Skinhead was hoping for the job and expressed his displeasure at not getting it by joining the Gang of Seven defectors. No doubt they will enjoy the huge political success enjoyed by the Gang of Four defectors of the 1980s.
True to form: One second, the Labour party was welcoming Dregsy back into its ranks. The next, he was suspended again for being insufferably above himself on auntiesocial meeja.
It's interesting to see D. Blunkett being touted as an elder statesman pundit on the strength of being a former Labour Home Sec. Maybe we are expected to forget that he was sacked from the job after an attack of Mandelson's Disease. But as he was sacked only once for abuse of office, not twice, maybe that's supposed to make him okay.
Nick nicked
C. Beech, 51, called himself Nick and persuaded the waxworks in charge of the Police of the Metropolis to blow £2.5 million on the pursuit of an imaginary ring of Top People paedophiles and murderers.
He's now in court charged with making a fraudulent compensation claim for imaginary sufferings and attempting to pervert the course of justice. Another nice little earner for the legal trade and, no doubt, some dotty old judge, either after the trial or on appeal, will decide he's suffered enough and let him off with a caution.
Nothing is stranger than the workings of British justice.
“One can gather from the verdicts of President Trump and his opponents on the United Status of America that it's 'not very'. But hey, it never is. ” D.W.
Noses in the trough again
Much quivering in the ranks of the legal trade when the Home Sec. announced that Daesh groupie S. Begum has had her British citizenship cancelled as an unwanted alien, but she can appeal. Also much wailing and gnashing of teeth now that the pay-day can't be made to drag on for 5 years through to the European Court of Human Frights.
“The message she should get is that we don't need any more supporters of terrorism in the country, we have quite enough in the ranks of the Labour and Liberal parties and the legal profession.” F.T.
“Typical of lawyers after a payday to claim that the sociopathic Bride of Daesh could be let back into Britain because of her baby on 'uman bluddy rights ground. If that ever came up, a court would have to rule that she is an unfit mother and she can't be allowed to raise the child. Maybe the baby can come to Britain but there's no reason for the mother to be allowed back into the country she rejected and betrayed.” D.B.
“The baby could also have Dutch citizenship if his parents went through a form of marriage which would be recognized as valid by Holland. Another place for the kid to go. But not the mother, as she would have no such automatic nationality right.” F.T.
“If Ms Begum is a sociopath, the best place for her would be a permanent billet in the British Serial Killer Containment Unit. And if we don't yet have one, she could be the first customer.” R.J.
The Long Game
What's Labour up to? The party elects a not-so-comic opera supporter of terrorism as party leader and expels all the Jews. Then, in a storm of publicity, it expels all the Corbynnies, makes D. Milipede its new leader, welcomes the Jews back and claims it's now the People's Party and fit to govern.
The fickle people, fed up with the Tories running things properly, vote Labour, the new, improved party repeats all the blunders of the past, ruins the economy and is ejected from office in a shower of Bliarite corruption.
The Tories patiently rebuild the economy, as they do, and things get better. Then Labour makes another Corbynsky its leader and the Jews start trembling.
Stop me is you've heard this one before.
“O.J. Corbunsky is still grinning because none of his flouncers is any loss to his party. In fact, he's probably thinking better out than in.” C.L.V.
“Same story with the Tory flouncers; no great loss of expertise, just a loss of numbers to a prime minister who's blown a working majority.” C.T.V.
The Parliamentary Bremoaner-Semite (BS) Group is now the same size as the Liberals and bigger than the DUP, the IRA and the Welsh Gnats.
Once a weasel . . .
"Obviously, I'm anti-austerity," BS Group member C. Leslie is reported as saying. Translation: "I would much rather wallow in the economic mess that Gordon Brown and the Labour party created and make it worse rather than get involved in trying to fix it."
Sounds like he's still very much a Labour MP at heart!
Meaningless stats
According to a YouGov poll, the BS Group has the support of 14% of voters. But as there are 650 constituencies and only 11 of them, and they have no national party organization, they're not going to have much of a chance of winning 14% of the 650 seats.
Playing God and doing it badly
Spoon-bender U. Geller claims it's only his telepathic powers which are preventing O.J. Corbynsky from becoming the British PM. It has to be rather significant that he is not trying to use them to make Corbyn's Labour party abandon anti-Semitism.
The Smollett precedent
The US courts have decided that if a black man sends a threatening letter to himself to concoct a complaint of racial harassment, gets drunk, goes driving without a licence, makes a false complaint to the police that he was attacked by racialist white men and is found out a dozen years later, then he should suffer only a mild slap on the wrist for a hate crime which would have the anti-whitists forming a lynch mob.
Just say no way, José
This February is being touted as the warmest on record, as far as daytime temperatures go. Not that this is any sort of big deal as the records began when we were coming out of a mini-Ice Age. What is a big deal is that the Warmists want to steal pleasant February from us. They're that sort of people.
“When the ONS releases figures for excess deaths during last year's Beast from the East February compared with this year's clement month, will we hear a squeak the Warmists, who are pretending that colder is better? Probably not.” C.E.
Electronic sabotage
“A good way to stall the career of a high-flying senior copper is to send him/her indecent pictures as part of a group mailing and then shop the recipients.
“The waxworks running the police will have an attack of the vapours and the high-flyer will be parked in a hangar for months or even years.
“Career stalled successfully.” A.S.
O.J. Corbynsky can never be accused of losing the plot. He never had it in the first place.
Trust the French not to take things seriously
Catr Vandisnerf, our French correspondent, reports that her nation intends to extract the urine from the 2024 Olympic Games by including breakdancing in the events. This has been done to make the Games more diverse, more urban and more artistic.
Skateboarding, sport climbing (presumably, of buildings) and surfing (!! presumably by simulating a tidal bore along a suitable stretch of the Seine) are also included under the same agenda.
Things can only get worser?
Rail services are at the worst they have been for 17 years, which takes us back to the start of the century, when New Labour was wrecking everything. Predictably, the Office of Rail & Road found things at their worst in the North of England, Labour's traditional heartland.
Wonderful neighbours to have
The Russians are making themselves popular in Norway by jamming GPS signals in the trackless far north of the country, just where they are needed most. The idea behind the nuisance jamming is to make life difficult for NATO exercises, but it also disrupts air traffic and emergency services operations. Maybe it's time to dish out a dose of the same medicine to the Russian warmongers. The only problem is finding someone brave enough to do it.
Thriving unseen
How have puffins managed to thrive despite the experts declaring them to be endangered because of gorbal warming? Simply by moving away from the places where the experts were doing their counting.
Apparently, lumbering grey seals were battering puffin burrows to bitz on the outer Farne Islands and the puffins decided to flee to the safety of the inner islands. And the good news for the puffins is that now that the experts know where to find them, they are officially doing okay.
No way of winning
The Austrian government is in a real pickle. The Europeon Court of Injustice told them that making Good Friday a public holiday only for members of certain Christian churches is now illegal. The Austrian regime responded with a plan to give everyone the afternoon of Good Friday off.
Did the nation embrace the compromise? No effin way!
Protestants are up in arms about losing 50% of what had been a day off. Businesses are claiming that the new public holiday will cost them too much. And the trade unions are moaning that most of their members skived off on Friday afternoons anyway and they won't be getting anything extra.
Even more grief
Nothing the Austrian Government can do is right, and that includes buying the house in Braunau Am Inn where A. Hitler was born. A regional court set a fair amount but the Procurator (Financial) is currently trying to bully the current owner because she won't go along with a lower price.
Elephants endangered? Nope!
There are lotz of them in Botswana. So many, in fact, that the government is considering a cull to calm down the farming lobby, which is up in arms about the damage they do to cash crops.
What will happen to the massive corpses? Will they be transported to a dignified funeral in the Elephants' Graveyard? Nope. There is a scheme afoot to turn them into pet food.
Food faddists are doing their bit to promote global warming. Cultivation of their lower-yield fad foods puts larger amounts of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, according to the experts.
“One of the hissy tart Tory defectors is claiming she won't return to the party. But what makes her think she'll ever be invited back? Or still be an MP after the next (by-)election?” S.V.
“One of the Bride of Daesh's apologists in Britain offered the following wisdom: ‘If there's a wasp in the room, I want to be able to see it.’ Wrong!"
“If there's a wasp in the room, it needs to be either shoo'd out through an open window or swatted.” R.W.R.
Germany could turn out to be a great place to be bitten by a mosquito after one of the mildest winters in living memory. If the weather stays warm and dry, there might not be much of a problem. But it starts raining and raining, watch out!
Red Sky @ 7 a.m. on what will be the hottest winter day on record!
Frustration, frustration!
A white bloke who lost his temper with an awkward black woman on a Ryanair flight won't be persecuted as the incident happened in Spain, which is another country and outwith the ambit of British jobsworths.
“What does a Labour government led by O.J. Corbynsky have in store for us? Troops shooting up aid convoys to prevent them from entering the country? We can hardly wait to find out what other Venezuelan imports he has in store for us.” D.P.
Nasty but non-lethal
False widow spiders are marching northwards after establishing a foothold in the south of England. A result of gorbal warming? Nope. The little buggers are evolving to stand the colder, wetter conditions Up North.
This is what the Warmists are trying to steal from us
O.J. Corbynski to quit Labour and join the BS Group?
BBC journalists are to receive unconscious bias training with a view to making their visible biases less obvious.
More from the gullible experts
A gang of them has reached the conclusion that cats mirror the behaviour of the human who offers them food, shelter and affection. Clearly, they have failed to grasp the essence of the feline nature, which is that they are contrary creatures.
Some cats will copy humans, some won't and some will do it only when an expert is watching and taking notes.
Dodgy builder, record profits
Despite being on the receiving end of more complaints over shoddy workpersonship than you can shake a stick at, the builder Persimmon has posted a record £1 BILLION profit, a lot of it out of the taxpayer's pocket thanks to the Coalition's Right to Buy scam.
Eggon time for usual suspect faces
The usual suspects, having nothing better to do, were up in arms when a porter poured soapy water around a dosser who was behaving badly at his railway station.
Surprise! The dosser turned out to be a drug-dealing gaol bird with a murder on his rap sheet, and not the sort of person you want hanging around your local station. Or, indeed, your local anywhere.
Virtue wars
Oh, dear! Handbags drawn in the Charity Sector (Africa) as the people who think they should be in charge, and get all the credit, are in a name-calling crusade against celebs who do a drive-by on their turf and bag a lot of meeja attention.
"You're taking our praise away from the professionals and threatening our incomes," is the beef of those who insist that Professional Virtue rulz and the Drive-By version should be banned.
“Which is the least worse description of the parliamentary flouncers—The Bremoaner-Semite Party or The Independent Party? Bearing in mind what BS usually stands for and a TIP is where the rubbish is dumped.” F.V.
“O.J. Corbynsky needs to get a grip on his party. How dare they tell him that he can't be friends with someone just because he's a terrorist or violently anti-Semitic.” LV.
“We live in sad times when people mock Jacob Rees-Mogg for being informed, well-dressed and polite rather than slovenly, rude and ignorant, like the MPs and others who mock him.” N.T.
Changing times
'The robots are taking over', the boo-hoo buggers keep wailing. But in the case of the medical trade, this can only be a good thing if the claim that 40% of Britain's GPs are going to give up during the next 5 years is more than just alarmism. It seems that today's generation of doctors can't handle the strain and they are cracking up under it.
Soon, a consultation with a friendly online avatar medic will be the only option. But there is a positive side to this development. At least the online medics will be safe from the thousands of violent patients, who are banned from access to a human medic every year.
You can't get more into disrepute than in disrepute
Labour has only itself to blame for being duffed up for being anti-Semitic, according to the Corbinnies. The party has been far too apologetic and should have toughed it out.
So much for kinder, gentler politics.
O.J. Corbynski is offering a stunning reward to anyone who finds the Labour party's lost moral compass— a guided tour of his allotment.
Below the line mission statement: We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.
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