BlackFlag News
 
 2018/March 
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 ARTEFACT NEWS 

 
Not far to go
bullet Where do antiques stolen from archaeological digs in Libya go when the local Islamists loot them? Not far, actually. Just over to Spain. Well, they did until the police in Barcelona busted the racket. 'Blood antiquities' seems to be filling a gap in the illegals market left by the suppression of the 'blood diamonds' trade.

 VEST NEWS 

 
Northern Silence
bullet How strange it is that Scottish Labour has been so silent on the abundant issue of anti-Semmitism. But maybe they think it's a concern relevant only to the Corbynites in the lower moral ground of England and maybe they're embarrassed by the Rabbi C. Nesbit connotations of the whole thing.
   [Advice to Sassenachs: if you don't get the above, consult someone Scottish. Ed.]

 SPORT NEWS 

 
Far Queue symbol Non-News: Aussie cricketers cheat.
reader comment“Is there any more nauseating sight than a cheating Aussie blubbing on camera because he got caught? Answers on a PC to the usual address.”

New next time?
bullet The International Olympic Committee is considering adding Playing the Victim Card as a guest event at the next Games. Vlad the Poisoner and Jezzer the Apologist are hot favourites to contest the final of the event.
update Porkies Today, the Russian-sponsored TV channel, is leading the bidding to show the final confrontation live. BFN understands that the bungs have already been made to those usual-suspect minority nations, which can be relied upon to stay bought.
update In an extraordinary display of getting your retaliation in first, the Corbyn Camp has lodged a formal protest with the IOC over outside the interference which will blight their player's bid for Gold-Medal Victimhood.

Far Queue symbol The International April Fool Committee is investigating the circumstances under which the foreign-owned Financial Times was named as Britain's newspaper of the year two full weeks early.

reader comment“Louie Samilton's moan about an alleged lack of diversity in Formula One is pretty revealing. We have an ageing driver wanting F1 to trawl the world and fill the other cars with relatively inexperienced Eskimos, Aborigines, Arabs, Africans, Pacific Islanders and probably a few trannies, too. All of whom, he'll find easy to beat.
   “But will a string of championships won against inferior opposition really do anything for his Hall of Fame candidacy? If he's slowing down, should everyone else necessarily be required to do the same?”
reader comment“You'd never get the saintly Savatican Vettel doing anything like that!”
reader comment“FK! What a dull start to the F1 season in Australia. The only thing of note was that legal swindle, which Vettel pulled off during the virtual safety car. Thank goodness for MotoGP! At least we'll have something worth watching in a couple of weeks.”

 DONE-FOR NEWS 

 
Gone; mainly unnoticed
bullet We're getting a hell of a lot of wibble about the extinction of the northern white rhino. Future generations will no longer share the planet with them, we're told.
   Past and present generations, on the whole, were entirely unaware of their existence. The hole in human perceptions is going to be vanishingly small.

Nowhere to turn
bullet Former cycling icon Sir B. Wiggins is in deep trouble. The Daily Mail has got it in for him. And so does a committee from the House of Common Criminals. It would seem that all that expertise in swindling the taxpayer with fraudulent expenses claims has been channelled into medical expertise, and MPs are now able to rule on what is medication and what is performance enhancement. Presumably, using some form of OuiJa board in the absence of clinical data on their target.

The Fatherland is toast
bullet Germany's chief equality annoyancer is proposing another rewrite of the national anthem and the nation's terms of reference to eliminate all maleness. Funny how there is always cash for the daft frills but never enough for necessities.

Screen suicide
bullet Watching TV for more than four hours per day gives men bowel cancer, according to the latest cheerful news from the medical profession. But there is no link between gazing at a computer monitor and bowel cancer.
   Moral of the story? Watch TV on your PC and don't worry.

Far Queue symbol Berko, the much reviled Squeaker of the HoCC, is reported to be looking very pensive when President Xi of China's entitlement/enthronement is mentioned. He promised to cling to the job for 9 years when he got it, and his time is up this year. But being made Squeaker-for-life by popular acclaim would buck him up no end.
Far Queue symbol The equally awful Harridan Harperson is being touted as a replacement for Berko, and she might just get the job if MPs grit their teeth and summon up the will to stick it to the berk.

 BREXIT NEWS 

 
All one has to do it think about it (difficult for some people)
bullet There's no doubt about what will happen if MPs vote against accepting the 'final' deal reached by our government and the EU. We leave the EU without a deal and we don't have to pay the 'divorce' bill. There's no mystery there.

Crime News
 CRIME NEWS 

Don't bother us
bullet The reason why the Metropolitan police farce is unable to assist members of its public when criminals prey on them is that they are too busy with internal matters to get involved.
   They're too busy doing things like blowing £6,000 of taxpayers' cash on expenses for investigating and prosecuting an allegation of theft of a tin of biscuits by a PC; who was returned to active duty after 8 months of restricted duty after it was decided that he had no case to answer.

Draw your own conclusion
bullet The number of drivers taken to court and fined for using a mobile phone at the steering wheel dropped by 50% during last year. Which means that either doubling the penalty for the offence did some good, or the police are trying half as hard now.

bullet 15% of the aid charities which take cash from the taxpayer are investigating sex claims ranging from the serious to the imaginary/inappropriate.

bullet The Justice Sec. seems to be about to declare it illegal for crime bosses to continue to run a criminal empire from prison.

Political Precedent
bullet The fact that the leaders of Britain First have been sent to gaol for using a trial [someone else's, Ed.] for political purposes should be sending a little shiver down the spines of the gobsworths in the mainstream political parties. For who among them is not guilty of doing exactly the same in pursuit of some grubby political cause?

More Pots & Kettles
bullet The Financial Conduct Authority has taken 5 years to decide that the Crystal Methodist P. Flowers, who presided over the plunge of the Co-op Bank into a monstrous Brown Hole, demonstrated a lack of fitness (to be in charge) and propriety (too much drugs & rent boys). Not much of a condemnation if it comes from an outfit which seems to find fitness and due diligence alien concepts itself. And as tor the propriety of the FCA's officers . . . don't get us started.
reader comment“The FCA? Isn't that the cowboy outfit which picked a guy who was busted by HMRC for running a tax-dodging scheme as its chairman?”

Engage Brain before Slagging Off
reader comment“Let's give the prison industry a really BIG boost. Let's make ALL hate crimes against the male community a criminal offence worth 3 months in gaol for the first offence and 3 years for each subsequent offence, the gaol terms to run consecutively.”

reader comment“If Russian prosecutors wanted an 8-year sentence for Mr. Glushkov for allegedly embezzling £88 million from Aeroflot, Putin the Poisoner would have to keep on going to the year 4290 to pay the debt he owes to society for his embezzlement rackets. No wonder he's getting frantic.”

Far Queue symbol The police superintendent in charge of Telford would have us believe that the child sex abuse rates there are much the same as in lots of other parts of England and Wales, and therefore nothing to worry about.

bullet If you dial 999 and your local coppers ignore you, it might be because they're having an official Yoga Day.

The people who put the 'mental' in monumental
bullet Is the Parole Board fit for purpose? asks the headlines. Of course, not. It's run by quangocrat-mentality muppets, who can fill in an expenses form but who were never trained to think. That's why they can reach really daft conclusions and feel good about themselves, and look indignant when they're shunted off to some other public-sector sinecure when they do something monumentally stupid.
reader comment“It's another example of the Extended Stockholm Syndrome. Remoaners think the EU is the bee's knees. Parole Board members think the same about dangerous criminals.”

bullet Police officers even when they're Other Ranks? Nothing like a uniform and/or a spot of authority for giving people ideas above their station.
 

Romiley News
 ROMILEY NEWS 

World high-street leaders!

bullet Back in the 1980s, Romiley used to be wall-to-wall estate agents and building society offices in the shopping centre. In the 21st century, it became wall-to-wall eateries and takeaway joints. Suddenly, the French have decided to catch up with us. A survey of central Paris has found that eateries are taking over there. Which is rather strange in view of the known failings of the French character; especially if the staff at the eateries are anything like the gentleman mentioned below . . .

They're at it again
reader comment“The phone rings, it's a woman from Microsoft (allegedly) calling about my computer. Obviously about to unload a scam about malicious downloads, so I tell her I don't have a computer, which stops her dead in her tracks.
   “'Is there anyone else in the family who uses computer or laptop?'
   “'Yes, but no one who lives here.'
   “The call terminates, the Indian lady retires from the fray in confusion.”
update Next thing you know, the Indians scammers were back, pretending to be from BT Openreach . . .
"But I don't have a BT broadband connection."
"But if you have cable broadband from any company, BT provides the connection."
   [Does Virgin Media know this? Ed.]
"But I don't have a broadband connection."
"You don't have a broadband connection of any kind?"
"Right."
"Then why are you wasting my time?" asked a cheeky young bitch with a good command
   of the English language: certainly better than the bloke before her.
"Why are you wasting mine?" (Get out of that)
Call terminated.

reader comment“Councils are always dumping fines on residents for trivialities. Maybe the same should apply the other way. Like Stockport council being hit with a series of Anti-Social Behaviour Fines of £80 per individual breach of contract for failing to empty green bins on the first Monday of this month. The fine to be deducted from the irked resident's next Council Tax payment. That'll larn 'em.”

Trust Labour? Ha!
bullet Labour has fired the first shot in the propaganda campaign for the coming May local elections. Their leaflet whines about the Coalition giving the nation austerity in 2010. No mention of the reason for the cut-back in spending, though; namely that 13 years of Labour misrule up to 2010 had tossed the nation's finances into a monstrous Brown Hole of debt.
   But you don't need to tell actual lies to mislead the people in politics. All you have to do is omit inconvenient bits of the truth.

 FOOD NEWS 

 
You're all gonna die!
bullet All those people who waste money on bottled water at fancy prices are going to become extinct. A survey has found that 93% of the main brands of bottled water are loaded with micro-plastic fragments. The medical trade has no idea yet what they do to the human body but the instant opinion is that it is bound to be something disastrous.
bullet The bottlers have begun a counter-propaganda campaign to protect their sales. Their argument is that the results used by the inconvenient survey are just false positives.
reader comment“Should we really worry about the micro-particles of plastic in the atmosphere (AMP), as we're being invited to by the 'experts'? For a start, worrying won't get us anywhere, and as the plastic is probably there to stay, there's not much we can do about it.”
reader comment“What we're supposed to do is sign up to the 'Fight Aerial Plastic' campaign, pay for the snake oil and rub it on, knowing it won't do any good.”
reader comment“The experts tell us: 'we don't know how dangerous the particles can be'. Translation: 'We don't know if they're dangerous but there are academic and lobbying careers to be built if we can scare enough cash out of the taxpayer.' Right?”
reader comment“Some 'experts are already comparing AMP to CFCs. What would be really nice is some hard data to prove that AMP is making a hole in the ozone layer, or doing something as nasty, rather than all the speculation. What the 'experts' need to do is shut their mouths and get on with some meaningful research. What we need to hear is Yes or No; not 'could possibly maybe.”
reader comment“Two points one of the experts made: 1. AMP is small enough to penetrate deep into the human body, and 2. it shows very little sign of deterioration with time. Which means that it's there but it's stable and not doing anything. How does that differ from 'harmless'?”
reader comment“AMP, although stable themselves, can act as carriers for additives used in manufacturing the plastic. What we need to know is how much is likely to leach out of a particle of 10 microns diameter. [That's 1/5th the diameter of a human hair. Ed] And whether such tiny amounts unloaded at a random part of the human body is enough to cause noticeable damage.”

Have they no shame?
bullet Gulp! The United States has a secret plan to flood post-Brexit Britain with cheap and shoddy imitations of geographically protected foodstuffs. Melton Mowbray (Kansas) pork pies, Cumberland (Ohio) sausages, Cheddar (N. Dakota) cheese and pasties from Cornish, Alabama. Shame? No, none at all in pursuit of a fast buck.

Unsustainable credibility
bullet "Sustainable tomatoes"? Heard in a Hellman's advert on TV. That old saying that 'Bullshit Baffles Brains' seems to apply especially to both Hellman's and their ad agency. Tomatoes are a resource which the human race is using up? Like coal and oil? Really?

Rotten Sods!
bullet A government plan to grab £520 million from consumers of sugary drinks has been sabotaged by their manufacturers. More than half of them have cut the amount of sugar in their products below the threshold for the Sugary Drink Tax to avoid the tax, which will now yield just an estimated £240 million in 2018/19.

Gallic Gaul!
bullet Being French or having French connections gives someone a licence to be rude to everyone. That's the story a bloke in Vancouver is trying to sell to a BC employment tribunal. He reckons that being sacked from his job as a waiter for abusing customers and fellow staff members infringed his 'uman bluddy right to be French and obnoxious.

 UNCENSORED NEWS 

 
The Case For The Defence
bullet The teenage Defence Sec. [well, he looks like a teenager next to the current heads of Labour and the Liberals, Ed.] is getting a lot of stick for allegedly telling the Russians to 'go away and shut up' in the wake of their poison attack in Salisbury.
   What his critics fail to realize is that the above is the expurgated version of what he actually said, which was that Putin the Poisoner should 'fuck off and stick his head down the bog'.
   Quite a different sentiment, all fair-minded people would agree.

bullet Editorial Comment: We have been criticized for not mentioning that Vlad, the guy who put the Putin in Rasputin, has been re-elected for 6 more years in Russia after getting 174% of the votes there. But that is not news. What if he hadn't managed to win a rigged election? That would have been news.

Russian presidential election ballot paper

bullet There are people whose ishoos with the actualité involve an inability to admit pants on fire — even if they are suffering full-thickness burns.

bullet The number of the beast = Pu (94) + tin (Sn, 50) = 144.
No coincidence that it equates to Gross Evil.

Hat-gate? Pur-lease!
Hat-gatestop press Why does J. Corbyn look like a Soviet/Russian stooge? Because the Bugger-up Brexit Corporation has given him that image(!), the Labour party would have us believe. It's nothing to do with the way Corbyn supports Putin the Poisoner as if his life depended on it. [Maybe it does! Ed.] It's because the Beeb used a picture of him wearing a black lumberjack hat in Red Square with a routine and unsubtle red-tint lighting effect on the picture, which made him look a bit boiled.
   The Labour PR idiots would have us believe that the Beeb superimposed the hat on a hatless picture of Corbyn. But they have no explanation for why lots of other photos exist on the internet for everyone to see him wearing the same hat. Conclusion? Labour's propaganda wing spent too long in the pub before coming up with this one.
bullet Lest we forget, Corbyn has been a Soviet/Russian/Putin stooge for as long as he has had his nose in the public-sector trough.

bullet Hitler was smarter than Putin, an expert has decided. He would never have been stupid enough to poison someone in Britain with an obviously German weapon in the run-up to his summer Olympics.

bullet Russia's military poisons experts are in the doghouse for failing to kill the Skripals on the spot and exposing Putin the Poisoner and his stooges to ridicule.

bullet Labour: FOR THE MANY, NOT THE JEW has sponsored an EnougHis movement. But does it have legs?

bullet Crumbs! There are Labour party MPs about who actually dare to call Corbyn a liar when he claims that he isn't Putin the Poisoner's best friend and most reliable ally. Top of the list for deselection when Momentum gets going with one of its EnougHis campaigns?

bullet There is no truth in the rumour that the Trump camp offered to give Putin the Poisoner some tips on how to make rigging his next election less obvious.

bullet The Labour party has anti-Semitism in its pocket appears to be the message emerging from the Corbyn camp. So everything is okay.
[As long as it stays there. Ed.]
reader comment“To be fair to old Corbyn, maybe he does have a point. Everyone knows the Jews have been in charge in America ever since Abraham Lincohen was president.”

bullet We Must Be Kind To Bremoaners! It's not their fault. They can't help it. They have been brainwashed by spooky and sinister Americans using data sneaked from gullible and trusting customers of anti-social meeja companies.

reader comment“It looks like Britain is in real trouble if our choice of government is between clueless and inept on the one hand and profligate, clueless and just plain crazy on the other. But, no doubt, we'll muddle through somehow with things getting inexorably worse until Putin loses it completely and nukes us out of our misery.”

 DOSH NEWS 

 
bullet Some people are paid less than others because they are not much cop. But they always claim victim status rather than admit their deficiencies. Moral of the story? You don't need to work hard and improve your skills. All you need is the ability to do a noisier whinge than anyone around you.

Consumed
bullet Labour deputy leader T. Watson is being told to return the tainted £540K which he received from the Mail's fave bogey M. Mosley. But why would anyone imagine he still has any of it? The Mail's page 5 picture of Watson, which appeared on the first of this month, suggests that at least £539K went on pies.

All things to all persons
bullet J. Corbyn, the Kremlin's fave useful idiot, was quick to use the naming and shaming of Putin the Poisoner in the HoCC to launch accusations of taking Russian money against the Tories. Not a mention, of course, that the poisoner is also Putin the Paymaster for Labour, the trade unions and other enemies of Britain.

bullet How much does a French president cost? The late dictator M. Gaddaffi bought one for £42 million. But that was a few years ago, so the price must have gone up somewhat.

bullet J. Corbyn has come up with an election-winner. He's going to use the foreign aid budget to promote feminist ideals and buy female votes.
[And the votes of men pretending to be women? Ed.]

Bust the boomers!
bullet What sort of people are trying to make out that "baby boomers" have too much cash and need to be taxed into extinction? The sort of people who don't have enough because they're not prepared to make an effort, or their best efforts aren't worth much. The sort of people the Labour party has told they are entitled to be supported by people who are prepared to work and people with more talent. And who's drumming up the discontent? The politicians who expect to make a profit out of exploiting the feckless and the untalented.

 OAP VIEWS 

 
Far Queue symbol OAP MP H. Harperson is upset by female MPs being called 'The Honourable Lady'. We'd like to think it's because politicians are anything but honourable, especially when cash is concerned, and the wimmin don't behave like ladies. But when did the Harperson ever have a reasonable, real-worldly reason for doing anything?

Far Queue symbol The Liberals' antique leader, V. Cable, has failed his O-Level fake news practical exam. He tried to sell a story that the PMs of eight Europeon countries had signed a joint statement calling for a second EU membership referendum in Britain. The wheels came off when all eight said they'd never signed nuffink and the story is total bollocks.

reader comment“Something the Nation's Official Oldies would dearly love to know is: At which age can one claim to have successfully avoided an early death and stop all the pretence of keeping fit, not drinking and eating sensibly?”

All rather pointless, really
bullet Labour's OAP voice in the wilderness, H. Harperson, wants the next Labour leadership election to have an all-woman candidate list. Which, naturally, would have to include any men who choose to identify as female for the duration of the election process.
   How wonderful it is to watch people like Harperson try to rig the world using the democracy of a trade union show of hands, only to have to watch the wheels come off thanks to some other piece of PC stupidity, which they embraced enthusiastically in the past in the hope of getting something out of it.

 AMBASSADORIAL TRIPE 

 
A. YakovenkoAttention: A. Yakovenko,
   Putin the Poisoner's ambassodor to the UK

If it acts like a Nazi,
If it quacks like a Nazi,
It probably is one.
 
left: the man who put the 'sod' in ambassodor

Far Queue symbol The Russian ambassodor is moaning that Britain is painting a picture of Russia as an enemy. If it quacks like an enemy . . .
bullet Point of Information, Mr. Squeaker: The world didn't choose Russia to host the football World Cup, as Mr. Yakovenko would have us believe. The Russians bought enough members of FIFA to buy the event.
bullet Another Point of Information, Mr. Squeaker: A. Hitler would never have let anyone capture pictures of people voting multiple times in a presidential election and officials stuffing ballot boxes to make the turn-out greater than the number of registered voters in some places. Putin the Poisoner, on the other hand, is lazy as well as crooked.

reader comment“A nerve agent which escaped from Porton Down just happened to drift down the road to Salisbury and attack one of Putin the Poisoner's enemies? How desperate is his Dr. Goebbels getting?”

reader comment“Russia is the land of opportunity. How else could a deputy prime minister on a salary of £112K and with declared assets of £634K come up with £12.2 million in cash to buy a swish apartment in London? The fact that he's a crony of Putin the Poisoner is neither here nor there.”
 

 LIFE NEWS 

 
Legal paradox
bullet A Romanian bloke, who was deported from Turkey after being discovered living there illegally, is in real bother back home. In 2016, a Romanian court allowed his wife to receive a death certificate for the bloke back-dated to 2003/12/31. Going to court to get himself declared undead [in Dracula country, Ed.] got the bloke nowhere. The judge told him that the earlier decision had to be final.
   Which raises the interesting question of what would have happened if the bloke had produced a gun and shot the dotty old judge dead on the spot? After all, a dead man can't be charged with murder, can he?

Baron Corbyn10 things you didn't know about J. Corbyn

No. 3 : He used to be a wrestler for the WW, where he grappled under the nom de guerre "Baron Corbyn".

Here he is (left) doing a political rant at an unappreciative WW audience, an experience which stands him in good stead during his political alter-life.

Underclass Distinction
bullet How do you spot poor people in Britain? It's easy — they're fatter than rich people because they spend their day sitting around scoffing vast amounts of junk food, according to the latest findings of the experts. Of course, the survey had to have been made of nouveau poor people, rather than genuinely impoverished people, if they could afford a diet of junk food.

Common Ground
bullet The Russians are being accused of spreading fake news after the Scottish independence referendum to the effect that the result was rigged. The antics of the Putinocrazy this month provide the explanation, if anyone was wondering.
   The Russians want to create a perception that all elections are rigged, so that if they are too lazy to hide what goes on during their elections, they can just shrug their shoulders (being careful not to dislodge the shoulder-holster) and say they're not doing anything that doesn't happen everywhere else.

 TRAVEL NEWS 

 
bullet If you're reading this at the start of the month, don't bother! SNOW!

bullet If you're reading this before Easter . . .
. . . and you're travelling abroad, you might want to think again. The French are on strike for the holiday period, and that includes air traffic control and public transport. And don't think you're going to get anywhere after Easter as the strikes are continuing in April.

Democracy Inaction
bullet The bosses of Ryangrounded (Irish) and Lufthansa (German) think it would be a good idea if they stopped flights to and from Britain to make us reverse Brexit. Who the fuck do these foreign bastards think they are? Little Putins?

bullet Anyone travelling via Stansted airport is advised to be on the lookout for idiots. Like the one who decided that a 1" model revolver pendant could be mistaken for a real firearm.

bullet If potholes kill or maim 400 cyclists per decade, how long will they take to exterminate Lycra Louts completely? [Wouldn't you just love to see that on an applied maths exam paper? Ed.]

bullet A lie is right round the world before the truth has put its coat on. Thus the view of the 'experts' that fake news spreads 6x faster than the truth on antisocial meeja has been met with much scepticism and concern about decimal-point slippage.

What excuse could there be?
bullet A woman pushing her bike across a road in Tempe, Arizona, had the misfortune to become the first pedestrian to be killed by an Uber car in driverless, automatic mode this month. Apparently, there was a woman sitting behind the steering wheel of the car, but she was unable to prevent the accident. Which leaves us wondering how the words 'safety driver' ever got into her job description.
update The Uber car was speeding, which means that the programmer could be liable for a manslaughter charge, and the alleged safety driver is a failed and gaoled armed robber, who is now pretending to be a woman!
   The case for the defence seems to be heading towards a claim that the dead woman was a homeless junkie, who hurled herself in front of the Uber car out of roadside shadows.
   You couldn't make it up, as the blesséd Little John tells us.
update Uber has reached a legal deal with the family of the dead woman to eliminate the prospect of an embarrassing legal confrontation.

 HYSTERIA NEWS 

 
bullet Only an idiot thinks that March 1st is the first day of spring

If there isn't a problem, the EU will create one
bullet Why would anyone with half a brain think that having a border with checkpoints between the UK and the Irish Republic would give the IRA a licence to resume killing and maiming people? Not to mention expanding its extortion rackets, etc. Switzerland, France and Germany seem to be able to manage okay without Checkpoints Charlie.

Good news for Millennials
bullet The government's official pantomime dame, S. Davies, has stuck in her thumb and pulled out a plum. The deadly blue light emitted by the screens of mobile phones, tablets and PCs [why not TVs? Ed.] causes heart disease, diabetes and cancer. Which means that pensions and their care in old age won't be a problem for Millennials. Mainly because they won't live long enough to need either. Assuming the pantomime dame is right, of course.

Problem solved
bullet There's an obvious solution to all the hoo-haa about anti-social meeja being used to rig elections. Don't let anyone who's signed up to InYerFaceBuk and all the others have a vote.

bullet The response of the ambulance service and the fire brigade to the Manchester Arena bombing was pathetic, according to the official review. Should we be upset by the lack of preparation and ability to think on the ground? Or pleased that such events are so occasional that no one is ever ready for them? Probably, it all depends on the critic's political agenda.

 INTERPLANETARY NEWS 

 
Blast from the past
Laughing Martiansbullet The big news of the day is that the nations domestic tin cans — you know, the ones containing a digital assistant — are prone to bursts of insane laughter, usually late at night.
   The explanation turns out to be suitably sinister. Alexa, and all the other gadgets which spy on unsuspecting households and report everything they hear over the internet to SMASH or one of its associates, have been infected with a virus by the Martians robots, who used to be so amused by what humans on Earth did with potatoes back in the 1970s.

 BULLYING NEWS 

 
Good for business but past his go-by date
bullet Berko the Bully of the HoCC has given the sticker industry a boost. Despite having political neutrality written in to his job description, he's driving around a vehicle with a 'Bollocks To Brexit' sticker. Those fed up with him are now commissioning 'Bugger Off Berko' stickers in response.

Stoopid gesture politics
bullet Southern Health NHS Trust has been fined £1 million each for the preventable deaths of two customers. Which means that the government moves two million quid from one pocket to another, and the people 'served' by the trust lose two million quid's worth of treatment. And, one presumes, the people who were responsible for the negligence will just be shuffled quietly to some other well-paid sinecure in the public sector quangocracy.
No wonder there are revolutions. [The only wonder is there aren't more of them. Ed.]

 DEPARTURES 

 
Sir Ken Dodd, comedian par excellence, 90
bullet The announcement of the death of the master of comic endurance; the man who put audiences though a 5-hour pounding; reminds us of the sheer stupidity to be found at whatever the Department of Inland Revenue is calling itself.
   Doddy was in the habit of keeping his earnings in cash at his home in Knotty Ash but some genius of a taxman persuaded his bosses to haul Mr. Dodd into court to claim tax in the interest which he would have earned if he had invested the cash.
   Investment income zero? Tax due zero! Fortunately, the court agreed that the taxman was barking but the legal trade got to gouge Mr. Dodd for £2 million to put a flea in the taxman's ear.

Nikolai Glushkov, enemy of Putin the Poisoner, 68
bullet The list of convenient deaths which are obviously not from natural causes grows and grows. Glushkov, an administrator, was railroaded into gaol when he discovered that the Putin regime was using the state airline Aeroflot to fund the Kremlin's espionage operations. His demise follows hot on the heels of the attempt to kill a spy, who was swapped for a Russian agent, the spy's daughter and half the people of Salisbury. Looks like Putin is trying to write off as many enemies as possible before someone writes him off in an act of sheer self-defence.

Professor Stephen Hawking, physicist, cosmologist and thinker, 76
bullet The Wheelchair Guy was an amazing example of survival against the odds, keeping going for 50 years as a brilliant mind trapped in a body devastated by the effects of motor neurone disease. He is destined to be celebrated as one of the greatest human intellects of all time.
   When he lost the power of speech, he acquired a speech synthesizer with a comic-robot accent, which became his trademark. He will be remembered as the man who created a Theory of Everything, and also a means of detecting black holes. He longed to follow his imagination into space, but nearest he got was a chance to experience weightlessness aboard the NASA 'vomit comet' astronaut training aircraft.
reader comment“How does a scientist achieve world-wide recognition in his own lifetime? By having a weird hair-do, like Albert Einstein, or by having a biog which no Hollywood screenwriter would dare to create. This, Professor Hawking achieved.”

Jim Bowen, teacher, comedian and TV show host, 80
bullet After making a career in the education system, he tried his hand at comedy and became one of the many stars of the ITV series The Comedians. He went on to host his own show, Bullseye, for 14 years and enjoyed a successful parallel career as a TV actor. Just shows what you can achieve if you have a go and stick it out.

 NEW BROOM NEWS 

 
Political Swings
bullet Gordon F. Broon is going to be spinning furiously in his political grave. The leader of Scottish Labour has announced that he will spike all PPI scams for building schools, hospitals, etc. Which is an act of monumental disrespect to The Man Who Stole Your Pension.
   Broon saw PPIs as a way of concealing the size of public debt [that's lying about it, to be blunt, Ed.] but the latest Labour guy north of the border is all about re-nationalization and letting the trade unions hold everyone to ransom again.

Away with the past — kind of
bullet France's Opposition leader, Marine Le Pen, is seeking to do an update/upgrade to her political party, the Front Nationale, with a name change. She feels that the party is too strongly tied to the memory of her father, its co-founder Jean-Marie Le Pen, and that some new window dressing is needed.
   The plan is to retain the 'National' part but to tack on something fluffier. Rassemblement National has been proposed but the party really needs to get more creative. How about Unité National? Or Pertinence National? Or even Gentillesse National?

Raus Mit Ihnen
bullet Chancellor Mherkel's new interior minister plans to get tough with migrants who commit criminal offences, and to speed up repatriation of failed asylum seekers. Horst Seehofer, from the coalition partner the CSU, has been a determined critic of Mherkel's policy of flooding Germany with migrants. He plans to adopt a firm law & order line, and to take a largely zero-tolerance stance to incomers, who break the law or pose a threat to national security.

Depersonalized eternity
bullet Sexist cards are to be banned by common consent. Mother's Day, Father's Day, Auntie Susan's Day — they are all to be replaced by "Happy Person Day" cards with the approval of the United Nations.
   Users of the cards will be encouraged to attach a suitable message for the recipient using a Post-It note or a paper clip so that the card can be recycled multiple times to multiple persons.


Hey, Hey, Vlad Poo-tin!


New for you
bullet The Royal Mint has decided to celebrate the not-so-great global warming swindle with an issue of 'climate change' 20-pence coins.
   They will be made available to collectors in special packs initially, but they are expected to be introduced into the general run of coinage once the novelty wears off.
   Don't expect to find the colour-printed versions in your change; unless someone has blundered.

climate change 20p coinclimate change 20p coinclimate change 20p coinclimate change 20p coinclimate change 20p coinclimate change 20p coin

bullet Let us not forget that reality and cherished fables diverge as a matter of course. Hence the not-so-great global warming swindle.

bullet The Scottish government was 'working hard' to get its alibis in place as England thawed out from our big freeze at the start of the month. Poor economic growth, and everything else the Scots Gnats thought they could get away with, got the blamed for the Wee Burney's BIG FREEZE north of the border.

reader comment“The weather isn't suddenly more extreme. People just got on with it in the olden days and they couldn't waste time whingeing on anti-social meeja. There isn't more weather, just more people going on about it.”

The corrupt dream of halting change
bullet The global warming swindlers are really going to town! 50% of all animal and plant species gone from some areas! But what they don't want anyone to remember is that this is what has been happening on the planet throughout the billions of years since it became infected with life. And for every species which vanishes, a niche opens for a new species to occupy.

bullet The snake-oil sales staff of the WWFN would have us believe that 74% of Scots actually believe that their government has the means to change the planet's climate but lacks the will to do so. And that if Wee Burney & Co. can be given a kick up their collective arses, they can make everything wonderful.
   Brilliant stuff, this snake oil. Nearly as good as Buckfast tonic wine for confusing the Scots!

Seasons, they change
bullet On the one hand, there's the not-so-great global warming swindle. On the other, we have a positively cold start to spring (March 21st), and the spring of 2013 was one of the coldest on record. We're more in the pick 'n' mix territory of politics than science when it comes to what's going on out of doors.

 NEW MARKET NEWS 

 
We got wood!
bullet The baubles industry is seeking to aid families who are keen to create new traditions. A toe in the water is the Easter tree, which is just a surplus Xmas tree down-sized and re-concepted.
   Mothers', Fathers' and St. Valentine's days are obvious candidates for membership of the new-tradition forest. And, of course, Thanksgiving in the US and Canada.
   Maybe not Bonfire Night, though, because it already has wood.

All change
bullet We can't be consumers any more because that word has negative connotations. We have to be prosumers instead. One slight problem: that 'pro' at the start of a word usually heralds a difficulty (problem) or a swindle (proactive, progressive, etc.)
   Sadly, the revision of the English language is bound to continue and before we know where we are, we'll be required to call fatties 'extrasumers' or something similar. Where will it all end? [It won't. Ed.]

bullet The people trying to come up with an effective male contraceptive pill which blokes won't forget to take are getting excited about a new product. But why are they bothering, given that the existing one makes the customer fat and spotty? Surely that combination is a more than effective contraceptive!

bullet Where are the idiots in the United States? The firm shipping designer plastic bags with a $600 price tag over there seem to think that the idiots are concentrated in Seattle.

National Interest
bullet The government is getting a pasting because the Remoaner Home Sec. is about to award the contract for making the carcases (minus security info) of the new, blue passports to a Dutch firm, which is about to be taken over by the French. The current printers, De La Rue, are threatening to sue, which is a rather dumb move.
   They don't have a leg to stand on if the other bid is £12 million/year cheaper than their bid. They'd be much better advised to point out loudly that other major Europeon countries ignore competition laws and make their own passports, and keep the lawyers out of it.

 POWER NEWS 

 
Mherkel Marches On!
bullet Angular Mherkel, the long-serving Chancellor and the female who took the 'man' out of wo and Gery, has added the Social Democrats to a not-so-grand coalition after 6 months of wrangling. The removal of the SPD from the Opposition benches leaves the new, and larger, AfD party in pole position as the official Other Side, with all the attendant perks.
bullet The deal with the SPD includes a review after two years to give them the option to bale out of the coalition if being 'The Government' is costing them too much support in elections.

The wheels are off already
bullet The cost of installing allegedly smart electricity meters everywhere will be at least £20 BILLION rather than the initial guess of £9 billion.
   The architects of the scam promised that the nation's electricity bills would be reduced by £16.7 billion (note the bogus decimal point to add spurious scientific value) in terms of lower consumption and decreased admin costs for the power companies. Thus the scam would pay for itself.
   Alas, that is going to be a bit difficult now.

bullet The Friends of Harridan Harperson [she has friends? Ed.] would like her to be the next Squeaker of the House of Common Criminals after the current incumbent, Berko, is booted into touch. They think that the appalling Harperson has a good chance, if only because anyone, even Tony B. Liar, would look almost competent after the Berkon [like the Mekon only less green. Ed.].

reader comment“Maybe it's just as well that Russians don't have uncensored access to the internet and news from abroad. They'd all have died of embarrassment if they'd seen Putin doing his pathetic victim routine over the Salisbury nerve gas attack and yelling: 'Infamy, infamy; they've all got it in for me!' Chort vosmi!”

Half his luck . . .
bullet If J. Corbyn is looking a bit green around the gills, it's envy. Xi has been made president-for-life in China and COB would just love the same to happen to him here.

world news
 WORLD NEWS 

Good Sense from the White House
bullet President Trump shocked America by taking a responsible attitude to firearm regulation in the wake of the Florida school massacre. His demand for effective background checks on people who buy guns horrified Republican congressmen. Even worse, the president thinks that the authorities should have the power to remove any weapons from the hands of the mentally ill without wasting time on lengthy court proceedings. Sequester the weapons first then do due process, is the Trump way.

A very doubtful honour
bullet The Nobel Institute in Norway has announced that it has reported to the police what looks like a fraudulent nomination for President Trump to receive this year's peace prize.
   The president was also nominated last year for his "ideology of peace through strength" by an anonymous American gentleman. The Nobel Institute suspects that this year's nomination came from someone who committed identity fraud to appear eligible to make the nomination.
   Some of the recipients of the peace prize were worthy of it but their ranks also include the Europeon Union, President O'Bummer, the global warming swindlers of the UN's Intergovernmental Panel On Climate Change plus Al Gore, and the discredited Burmese leader Aung San Suu Kyi.
   Maybe President Trump would think twice about being in their company.

Another episode of 'all change'
bullet The Italians went to the polls this month and reversed the trend of the last few decades. They have chosen to let themselves be ruled by the corrupt burrocrats in Brussels rather than their even more corrupt home-grown political beauties in the past. But no more. The anti-EU surge was HUGE.

bullet + + + President Kim meets President Trump + + + Kim gets autographed picture from Trump + + + Sells on eBay for big bucks + + + Job done + + +

Dickhead diplomacy
bullet The thing about the Russians is their clumsiness. If they were to buy a gun in, say, a badlands pub in Manchester and shoot an enemy, that would be the job done.
   But no, they have to get diabolical and use something which could only have been brewed up in a Russian lab. And use it incredibly clumsily and in a way that gives lots of other people the benefit of the diabolism.
   Then their leader-for-life has to go on TV and do a pathetic, clumsy victim act, which even J. Corbyn can't pretend to believe. Not what you'd expect from a superpower.

No hands across the Channel
bullet Apparently, 'a strong and co-ordinated response from our allies' to a Russian chemical attack on UK citizens doesn't include participation by the perfidious French. Nice to know who your friends are. Although, the French taking the side of our enemy comes as no surprise. As W. Churchill almost said: "The greatest cross we have to bear is the double-cross of Lorraine."

bullet The Norwegians are confident that their relationship with Putinstan won't deteriorate because they have made just a tiny, insignificant MeToo expulsion of one Russian spy. Their strategy, apparently, is to make it look like they are joining in whilst doing something so easy to overlook that the Russians will feel that retaliation is beneath them.

bullet The United States has put a cap on its contribution to UN peacekeeping operations. The current burden of 28.5% will drop to 25% to encourage others to pay a fairer share. China, for instance, coughs up a mere 10% of the budget despite having more money than you can shake a stick at.

 SELF-IMAGE NEWS 

 
How will they keep their specs on?
bullet Plastic surgeons are enjoying a boom in the nose-job trade. Why? Because noses, being closer to the camera in a phone taking a selfie than the rest of the face, tend to look HUGE. And that creates serious insecurity problems in Millennials, who are rushing to their friendly neighbourhood plastic surgeon in record numbers.
   [Apparently, they are not bothered by having a titchy snitch in real life. Ed.]

reader comment“How long have you been a politician, mate? That's how long the bugger has been growing.”

Corbyn selfie hooter

Putin the Poisoner strikes again?
bullet If they wanted to, the assassins of the Putinocracy could kill an enemy and make it look like a clear accident or natural causes. But Vlad the Bad has to let the rest of the world know what he's done. Hence the clumsy poisoning of Alexandr Litvinyenko with radioactive polonium in 2006.
   Back then, the KGB killers left a radioactive trail half-way round the world. The present attack on double-agent Sergei Skripal and his daughter in Salisbury seems at little less clumsy not long after the event. But the identity of who's behind it remains just as obvious.
   The absence of any mention of the poisoning in the meeja in Russia is telling. So is the Russians playing the victim card so desperately that they are in real danger of wearing it out.
reader comment“Good job they don't have uncensored access to the internet in Russia or Putin would never get away with it. Same with Mao Two Xi in China.”
reader comment“What use is an idiot when no one takes him seriously? Like Corbyn's pal Scumass?”

bullet Words of Wisdom No. 29:
Rule Number One: The day you don't will be the day you should have.

bullet English Understood:
"Tell the truth!" Translation: "Say what I want the truth to be."

reader comment“You can certainly see why people like Max Mosley want a right to censor their past. And just going from the stuff the Mail has dug up about Mosley, it could provide useful employment for a whole gang of censors if Mosley gets his way. Assuming that Max and other candidates for erasure won't have the time to do the job themselves. Especially if they want to enjoy life and hold whiplash parties.”

Far Queue symbol The MeTooSlag movement seems to be suffering a bit of a backlash. Which is fair enough. A woman who Weensteened herself knowingly to further her career, and got the career advancement, has no cause for complaint. Unlike the prostitute who didn't realize she'd been raped until the cheque bounced.

reader comment“The AgeUK lobby organization would have us believe that one million pensioners think their life is meaningless. It would be interesting to know how they defined 'meaning', how many people they asked and why meaningfulness is so important”

bullet Judges have been banned from putting selfies on anti-social media sites to ensure that they maintain the dignity of their office. Breaking this new rule is now a sacking offence!

Far Queue symbol Manchester's lame-duck mayor, A. Burnham, took a pop at the uselessness of the local fire brigade when the report on the Manchester Arena bombing was released. Then the Stafford Hospital Guy had to do a quick rehash to say he wasn't taking a pop at the rank and file union members.
   It was the bosses he had issues with. "Process, leadership and culture", he came up with. Maybe he thinks everyone has forgotten about all the people who died of neglect at Stafford Hospital when he was health minister in the government of Tony B. Liar.
   Process . . . Leadership . . . Culture . . . Burnham.

 WAR NEWS 

 
Just so you know . . .
bullet The Europeon Court of Injustice supports convicted fraudsters who want to suppress internet access to the details of their past crimes — even if the person concerned is still in the same line of business and claiming to be of unblemished character.

bullet The Labour party is getting so many complaints from women about sexual harassment that it has been obliged to appoint a special commissioner to sit on them. We have been asked to point out that the commissioner will be sitting on the complaints, not the women. [Ed.]
update The Labour party's Office of Inexcusable Behaviour is filling up so quickly with documents that it will need to an annex of equivalent size 'within two months'.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you
bullet What can we do in response of Vlad the Putin's claim that he has unstoppable missiles other than laugh? He knows as well as the rest of us that if he starts shooting off these missles, then the $200 BILLION which he has liberated from the pockets of Russian taxpayers during his reign will become worthless overnight.

bullet The Brussels burrocrats giving Britain a bad Brexit deal as a punishment for daring to jump ship isn't an option, and they know it. If what is on offer is bad for us, we can opt for the 'no deal' route and avoid punishment. And they know it.

Bad people do bad things
bullet The fact that J. Corbyn's mate J. McDonnell has a plaque commemorating dead IRA terrorists in his office at the Commons just confirms what we already knew. No act of treachery is too awful for Labour to contemplate and no terrorist's hand is too slippery with blood to shake.

Actually tough on terror
bullet Is President Trump about to appoint a lady who can get tough with bad guys as his new CIA director? If so, it's not before time. The BGs have been allowed to have it too easy for far too long. Giving them a hard time is long overdue. So is letting them know that they won't enjoy life after they're caught because they'll end up in the hands of a lady who is currently being called a sadist and a monster by the sort of person for whom patriotism is anathema.
reader comment“Maybe the new broom will be a reminder that with rights come responsibilities. That's where the EU gets it wrong with its declaration of 'uman rights. It's all about the right to have things there; give, give, give — especially in the direction of the gang at the top of the bureaucratic chain, like Mr. Druncker.
   “Maybe when we're out, we can have our own UK charter of rights and responsibilities. Which include a responsibility not to blow up British citizens at random or mow them down with a vehicle if someone wishes to enjoy the rights and entitlements.”
reader comment“Not to mention not claiming thousands of pounds by pretending to have been a resident 'somewhere' in Grenfell Tower.”

Home News
 HOME NEWS 
UK Flag

Reality crisis
bullet 12% of allegedly homeless beggars are for real. [0% if they are Albanian or Romanian] The trick is to spot which one of a group of 8 beggars isn't a fake. Suggestions, anyone?
bulletThe odds are that the one non-fake beggar thinks he can make more money on the streets than from the benefits offered by local councils, the government and charities.

Labour puts the 'mess' in 'message'
bullet The Labour party announced that it has stopped taking donations from M. Mosley because he's a subversive. But in the next breath, the mouthpiece claimed that the party is inclusive. Which has to be a lie if it excludes subversives.

reader comment“In Labour's magical alternative to reality, you don't actually have to be female to get on an all-woman shortlist. You just have to say you're a woman.”

Waiting for maturity to dawn
bullet The barely post-teenage SNP MP, M. Black, deployed the c-word ['clot' Ed.] with a will in the HoCC in pursuit of the on-going female hate crime conspiracy against the male community. She claimed the word is used repeatedly about her by members of the public. If so, they are right. She is one, and a foul-mouthed one to boot.

Far Queue symbol Everyone in the Labour party is either being bullied or bullying others, or both. Worse, all of the guilty parties are playing the victim card as furiously as Putin the Poisoner.

Far Queue symbol Is there anything Vile Vinny Cable won't say to get himself noticed? But maybe he's too puddled to realize he's the day-before-yesterday's man. And maybe there isn't a care home which will take him.

Far Queue symbol If the HoCC is looking for someone to lead a cover-up inquiry committee into 40 years of child abuse in Telford, who better than M. Hodge, the former pride of Islington, to take charge?

Far Queue symbol Berko chairing a Commons debate on bullying? Well, he is an acknowledged expert in the field.

Far Queue symbol The Bugger-up Brexit Corporation is getting stick for not covering the Telford child sex abuse scandal. Apparently, it fails to trigger BBC values alerts as the victims are working class, white girls, who are invisible to the Beeb, and the perps are mainly Asian men, who are untouchable and beyond reproach.

reader comment“Old Corbyn is making a proper fool of himself over the Salisbury poisoning. He's behaving exactly like someone in Putin's pocket. Fancy saying the Russians should be allowed to run tests on the nerve-agent samples. Like they're going to admit the poison is one of theirs and they brewed it up and administered it. What planet is he from?”

Quantity discount
bullet This month is a worrying time for Russian refugees in Britain. As well as an attempt on the life of S. Skripal, Russian gangsters seem to have succeeded in murdering N. Glushkov; but not by poisioning. Presumably in an attempt to divert suspicion that he is another victim of the serial killer, who has taken over in Russia.
   The strategy would appear to be to knock off lots of people as a group so that Russia suffers a single bout of retaliatory sanctions, which is less than the sum total of individual bouts of sanctions applied to separated, individual murders by the Russian state.

Modern Times
bullet Apparently, it's okay for non-white racialists to hold a dinner for themselves at Trinity College, Cambridge. If white students tried to do the same, they'd be lucky to escape with their lives when the racialists turned up with half the Labour party and started a riot. But, thinking about it, maybe they could get away with it if 50% of them agreed to identify as black.

Far Queue symbol Two fingers to the Russian ambassador. The World Cup which the Putin regime bought is just as much a political propaganda tool as A. Hitler's Olympic Games. We don't have a problem with most Russians; they're not the ones behaving like Nazis. Unlike Putin the Poisoner, his mouthpiece and the other stooges.

bullet J. Corbyn is under severe threat of the removal of his 'uman bluddy right not to admire the actions of the state of Israel.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

 YUROPEON NEWS 

 
Typical mandarin sloppiness
bullet Some guy called Martin, who used to be big in the Department of Transport, would have us believe that opting out of the EU's market would be like swapping a 3-course meal for a packet of crisps. Naturally, he was too bloody idle to specify the flavour of the crisps. No wonder he got the boot.
reader comment“Strange that someone who was always banging on about diversity at the DTI would prefer the limitations of the EU to the opportunities of the rest of the world.”
bullet Lest we forget, he was also the guy who gave the nation the 'Boaty McBoatface' saga. Ed.
updateMartin forgot to mention that we can have cake whenever we want it and without the EU hacking a slice off before it arrives.

bullet The prime minister has delivered a handbagging to the burrocrats of the EU, who are attempting to annex Northern Ireland. Shades of Hitler laying claim to the Sudetenland?

We are not alone
bullet Disputes between medical trade unions and the government are not unique to Britain. The authorities in Denmark are having to cancel thousands of non-urgent operations and other hospital appointments because of a major contract dispute with their unions.

Far Queue symbol Even the EU's toothless watchdog thinks the way the former EC boss, J.M. Barroso, was allowed to walk in to a top job with GoldmineSachs was the unacceptable face of eurocronyism and negligence on the part of those charged with scrutinizing the propriety of such troughnosings. But nothing will be done about it. Ethics? Is that even a word in any Europeon language?

Far Queue symbol The EU has demanded the annexation of Northern Ireland as its price for a transition deal signed before the end of this month. Has Mr. Druncker secretly changed his name to Hitler?


Below the line mission statement: We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, March MM18.